We did not cover the bathing issue, just work and the drinking. It gets a little ugly at the end but not bad for him.
Note: high levels of denial, including the amount he drinks every day. The impact this is having on me, etc.
Now he is baby talking Torbie and petting her.
He did say he wants to leave the program, I will confirm that a few more times with him and then talk to the other vendor about a reference because I don't trust Ron.
Once I get the other job he can resign and we can take it from there... I am OK with that as the job has caused him high levels of stress. BUT he admits in the video he is extremely depressed and I think it could hurt him in that regard.
As one poster said, it is a cluster.
18 comments:
He was sober, he said he wanted to leave the program, he's been saying he wants to leave the program. I don't see why you need to confirm it a few more times. Because you don't want to find another job? It'll be so good for you to move on, meet new people and have a "life".
The first step is always the hardest. You could probably get a job anywhere and you let a diagnosis define you. Everyone has something they're dealing with. Start looking today. As Dr. Phil says, looking for a job should be your job.
Don't get paralyzed and let life happen to you. Be proactive. Start looking for jobs on the bus line.
This video is incredibly sad. He was trying to tell you how he felt, how his depression hasn't been this bad before, and how much it sucked on his birthday.
You talked over him and jumped straight to medication, and you compared all of his problems to yours as though the conversation was about you. He was trying to talk about himself and you were trying to talk about yourself.
I said it in another comment, but here I go,again...If you really want to protect yourself, you will pick up the phone and ask for professional help using the number you called in the past. You are not able to be objective. He needs help. You need help.
I assume he did not know he was being filmed and that is why he said you were being weird. He knew something was different.
Wow. He needs professional help. He’s in denial though so not sure how much good it will do. Does he always speak like that?l, very strained and slow?
He tends to speak like that, it is more pronounced when he is drunk.
A Ron defender... the only thing that will help with depression is medication which is why I went to that.
He is not sober he drank a very large amount early this morning and then threw the bottle on the floor... so not sober yet. Getting there.
I know I cannot "cut him off" it has to be done medically. He is making excuses now about why he "had" to drink yesterday and making no sense in it.
His latest thing is asking for help getting into bed and then screaming that I am doing it all wrong and verbally abusing me, as I literally tear muscles in my body trying to move his reeking body into place in bed.
I agree with the other commenter who said it seemed like you kept making it about you. As much as he can be abusive (I am def not team Ron by any means) he IS still a human who needs proper care and he’s not able to care for himself and you are not able to care for him. I think both of you have narcisstic tendencies.
Be careful because of you don’t get the man help (with all the bathing and environment issues-urine soaked bed, what if he gets an infection -oh we forgot all about the sores on his leg from months ago) you are going to be in hot water.
No you are wrong about medication being the ONLY THING. It may be the only thing for some, but not all.
Put him in a rehab facility then so he can “medically get sober”. Today.
I am genuinely curious what you think would help Ron's depression, not medication. One of those headband thingies?
Remember he has Traumatic Brain Injury.
I will talk to him when he sobers up a little and see what he wants done.
Um, therapy? With a counselor? Exercise, going outside, better diet, List goes on. Medication is only effective and necessary if there is a chemical imbalance. Not all depression is due to a chemical imbalance. You aren’t a doctor to make that diagnosis in Ron.
And I take medication so I’m not against it if you try to infer that.
You are doing the best you can but it may be that he needs more help than you can give him at this point. And you don't want someone calling Adult Protective Services on you.
He told you what he wants and you keep ignoring it. You are the problem now not him. That video was painful to watch. You were like a cat toying with a mouse. I do believe on some level he doesn't want to live this way and be this person but there are just so many layers to the whole thing you both need an outside person to come into the home and help both of you. Do the right thing. There are people and services that can help him and you.
Oooh Heather please don't take comments as for or against either one of you. You both need outside help to get this situation under control. I think the first step is to make that call and ask for the help to get the ball rolling. Both your futures depend on that. I realize how scary that call will be for you, but it has to be done.
You know Ron can't stop drinking on his own, he really needs to go into rehab for that. I don't think you need anymore confirmation that he wants to withdraw from the business. He now has verbally expressed that, but even before he said it out loud his actions were loud and clear.
These are the two most important decisions to be done immediately, from there you can maybe communicate with each other better and make a plan for what comes next.
Here's what I think could help Ron's depression:
1. Talking to a professional about his feelings and his needs. You are not able to provide this. His feelings are real and should be acknowledged and respected.
2. Case management services to discuss his options in an unbiased manner and to encourage him to make decisions that are healthy for him. You are not able to provide this, but you can get the ball rolling by calling the number you called before and asking for help.
3. An outlet (or several) to develop new friendships and social connections. There are support groups, day programs, community events, etc that a case manager could connect him with. Don't dismiss this. It is important that he have some connections with others.
4. Proper medical care for his alcoholism and proper diagnosis of any neurological issues that have emerged or accelerated. You have not been able to get him to a doctor, but professionals who do this all the time may be able to.
5. You getting services in place for yourself. They exist and you have not reached out for help. It would probably help Ron considerably to know you have resources for yourself.
6. Retiring. I have no idea how many times he has to say that he can't do this anymore. The last time I quit a job, I only had to say it once.
Stop dismissing what people are telling you. You need to remember that he has traumatic brain injury. You are obligated to get him help. His life doesn't have to look like this. Your life doesn't have to look like this.
Get help. Call the number you have and ask for help. Be persistent.
Heather, you can't "see what he wants done" - at this point, I don't believe he is capable of making an informed decision. You simply MUST reach out for help. This situation is untenable.
I posted my last comment before I saw yours.
What would help Ron's depression? What I said in my previous comment. Getting him clean from the alcohol in his system. Medication for depression as he is now wouldn't help him and could be dangerous. Removing the stress of the business that he feels he can't do anymore, could be very important to alleviate that pressure.
Anonymous Anonymous said...
He told you what he wants and you keep ignoring it. You are the problem now not him. That video was painful to watch. You were like a cat toying with a mouse. I do believe on some level he doesn't want to live this way and be this person but there are just so many layers to the whole thing you both need an outside person to come into the home and help both of you. Do the right thing. There are people and services that can help him and you.
January 22, 2020 at 11:51 AM
I agree with this post.
Put yourself in Ron's shoes. Let yourself imagine Ron in a facility where they have lifts to get him into the tub. He will get to feel clean and smell like soap. Warm meals in a dining room where he can socialize with others, therapists to talk to, etc. Versus, laying in bed....ALL DAY....no bath...drinking because he hates his life and that is his escape.
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