Showing posts from September, 2014

Ebola has come to Texas

Am I worried?  Only slightly. 

If we get an epidemic, I thought, you'll find me out on a street corner, handing out Bibles.  To paraphrase World Missionary Press: when things are in crisis, people really need God's Word.  I couldn't agree more. 

I would absolutely hit the streets for evangelism.  I would, and do, witness as much as possible because I don't know how much time I have left. 

I could die tonight, or get raptured tomorrow. 

In the meantime you'll find me doing up my Bibles.  I like to put a tract in before I hand them out.

A whole lot about my new toilet

Still pretty depressed.  Getting really sick of these depressions. 

We went to Walmart, I got some cleaning supplies.  I found a tropical smelling Lysol.  I also bought some wax melts and a warmer because I thought I could plug it in the bathroom. 

Our toilet installer came, and I wanted him to have a pleasant, yet not overpowering, experience.  Yes, my house is a mess.  It took me forever to clean a 48 square foot bathroom.  I emptied it, too.  I like the way it looks and will probably keep it sparse. 

I also got more deli meat, some yogurt for work, etc. 

We came home.  I emptied the bathroom and cleaned it.  I tried to plug in the warmer, only to realize our only bathroom outlet was installed upside down.  Normally it's not a problem, but my warmer didn't have an adjustable plug.  Funny I only now notice that after over 10 years. 

Of course I had no other air freshener items.  AGH. 

I finally found a can of Febreeze spray, ran through the house with that, and used the trop…

9 inches in the flood plain

I slept really badly last night, got up at 2 AM, and went to work. 

I managed to wheedle a driver into permitting me to take my magliner on the vehicle, to work.  The handcart had lived in my garage for the last year, and I really needed it at work.  We strapped it down and a friend took it in while I pushed the wheelchair.  

I worked a long day, getting 2 deliveries and putting away half a pallet of soda (40 cases, 24 cans each).  It took me two hours just to stock snacks.  My label gun ran out.  I had to hand write expiration dates on stickers and apply them to the merchandise.  I've done it before, it's kosher, but the customers aren't quite as eager to buy - which, considering my pathetic pastry level, is a good thing. 

Our sandwich guy was on time, and the soda guy was late.  But I got them and stocked/stored them.  I had a heck of a time wedging the handcart into my area when I left.  I should have brought some vaseline! 

We went home after work and had a turnaround…

Inside the Beltway

We missed church, the last 2 weeks.  Ron wanted a day off the drama of trying to get to church on time. 

Overall, work is very flexible, which is great, 'cause anyone else would fire us. 

Church is on a set schedule and we hate "walking" in late. 

So.  The first week was Ron's.  The second week I was extremely depressed and figured no one would want me around, so when Ron asked to skip again I didn't argue. 

Last night one of the guys called Ron to see how we were doing. 

That's never happened before. 

Now, I swore up and down I wouldn't compare churches, and I won't.  I will say, out of the entire denomination, ours is the only church in the Houston Metrolift/bus service area.  The only one, and they have several.  The churches here have all gone to the suburbs. 

Mine's the only one that went inside the Beltway.  I value that. 

Like Jesus, they hang out in the "iffy" parts of town.  Respect.

Ron was happy to tell our friend we'd b…

I need more worms!

I overslept, took my shower, and saw this on TV:

The newscast clearly showed the paratransit logo on the van.  It appears one of "my" drivers killed someone. 

I have a guy.  I will contact him and see about mailing the cab driver a care package.  If nothing else they are unemployed (I would IMAGINE!), scared, remorseful..

They can use a care package. 

Now, you might think, this driver ran over someone just like that guy ran over your husband.  Don't you lump them together? 

No, I don't.  God enables separation. 

On that note, we went to the warehouse.  Ron wanted 18 cases of drinks.  I needed a lot of snacks.  I got everything and checked out.  A man was waiting, at the door, to help me load the truck. 

DELIGHTFUL!  "Thank you, Sugar!" I told the "big black man" as I shoved the cart towards the pickup.  I love black people.  :) 

We got that rascal lo…

"Time is precious"

Really?  Then you must not have severe bipolar depressions with psychosis.  If you did, you'd realize that time is an enduring torture. 

Ron asked me an important question today, and I was honest enough to tell him the truth. 

"Why do you have such faith?" 

"Because, if I didn't, I'd have a sawed-off shotgun and a hell of a mess."  Ron laughed, patted my shoulder, and rolled away. 

No, I am not suicidal, but if I had no hope for eternity why would I live?  The thought of 40 more years like today - the thought is just horrifying. 

I know some of you are nodding your heads.  You understand completely.  The idea of a lifetime of depression is just too much to bear sometimes.  The only way you get through it is reminding yourself you're not always depressed.  You may even get a little manic sometimes, not too much, just enough to add an extra sparkle and make everyone around you grin. 

I know I do all of that.  I remind myself of the good things in my l…

"We're going to die here"

We bought the house because it was "so quiet".  However, here's your moral: Don't buy a home near undeveloped land. 

An update on the rumbling bassy noises:

"They" have been developing a plot of land to the south of us.

I truly hate it when someone gives a written description so I'll keep it short.  We have about 100 acres directly to the south of us, running parallel to the subdivision - which is a long rectangle.

So, 2 long rectangles, one on either side of a bayou (stream).  I live a few hundred yards from the south edge, about halfway down. 

The area near us was clear.  However, as they developed the land to the east and west, I began to hear more noises at night.  Basically a low intermittent rumble, disliked by the psychotic depression.

Now, however, they have built some kind of heavy industrial manufacturing facility directly to the south of my home, about 1/4 mile away, if that.  I hear rumbling during the day, AND at night.

I know, however, i…

I know how evil we can get

I'm going to talk a little about black-on-white racism.  It exists. 

Nearly everyone I know, of color, is an awesome person.  I like being around them.  They are fun, professional, interesting, and look out for my husband as much as I do. 

I married a black man.  We've been married 22 years.  

A lot of my drivers listen to 102.1 "Magic".  In the morning, they have a talk show.  During the talk show they disparage anything to do with whites or white culture.  They promote racial division and glorify ignorance.  It's awful. 

The main "black radio" is promoting racial division, the white people hate you and are out to get you, etc.  They talk a lot about white on black crime, but never talk about the fact that over 80% of young black men are killed by other young black men.  They never talk about the black on white crime, either.

So, those seeking to stay in touch with "black culture" are fed a very distorted worldview wherein they are perpetual…

22 and counting

So, since it's my anniversary (22nd) I have to do something to acknowledge that.

Here, have a slideshow video.  It took me a while to find some copyright free music (provided by Youtube).

It's really funny seeing Ron and I in our "old" security badges.  We've been through 2 new badges since.

A lot of this, of course, is stuff from my blog slideshow, but I have a few things that are not.

Ron's giggling in the other room.  He must be watching an old sitcom.

I woke up with a nasty headache.  I tried drinking some hot french vanilla (that stuff is full of chemicals).  It worked - I "had" to drink some French Vanilla at work one day, and it worked on a migraine.

[The machine had run out.  I restocked it but I had to make sure the product was dispensing.  It looks the same watery or "good" so I had to taste it and ensure it was alright.  I drank a couple sips of the good cup, and the headache vanished.  I suspect the heat, sugar, and caffei…


Ron told me about something I found rather upsetting. 

A woman, born with a disability, chose to have a child, knowing it would probably have the same disability. 

When my husband discovered his blindness was inherited, his children at high risk, he chose to sterilize himself.  I agreed wholeheartedly (after the fact). 

"If we want" I told him "We can always adopt a blind child out of the system."  Many people don't want a "broken" baby and dump them into the child welfare system. 

I have a friend who has done this twice, adopt special needs children.  She is commendable and a shining example of God working through a life. 

As it turned out, God didn't want us to be parents.  That's fine.  I'm happy with my 2 cats. 

Ron's mother had 3 "normal" children when she bore him.  She never had a child afterward. 

My mother had 3 live births, and shot herself during one pregnancy, attempting suicide.  That baby died, she did not.  I w…

What a 40th!

It's my birthday, and I have to laugh.

I didn't sleep well because I was working up a migraine.  After I woke up, I took some generic headache tablets, and my shower.  After the shower, I vomited.

A couple of facts:

When I vomit, I prefer a bucket.  Happily I was able to access my bucket in time.

I vomited up red fruit punch, which I had well before bed.  I don't think I'm going to touch that stuff for quite a while.

Enough about that.  I used my mouthwash, made sure I looked OK, and did half my God Time (the Bible Study, most of it).  We went to work.

Yes, with a migraine, on my birthday - but interestingly enough getting sick took nearly all the edge off the thing.  Ron said that was God's birthday gift to me.  I brought my fizzy headache medicine, and took that 4 hours after I took the headache pills.  That helped.

We'd worked Saturday, so we didn't have much on our plate.  Good.  I was feeling pretty lazy!

Ron did not get a good day's work out of me…

Where are they now?:

I thought it might be interesting to create an update for some people who had a huge influence on my life. 

Dad: still alive, still happily married to my stepmom.  They do some traveling and have the kind of life I always hoped he'd have. 

Stepmom: surprisingly close, considering everything.  She is very protective of me now.  Yeah. 

Birth Mom: died years ago of a heart attack brought on by smoking.  Smokers beware. 

Ron: still married, he doesn't look to be getting out of the wheelchair.  He uses it full time now.  We may need to modify the bathroom doorway. 

Primary sibling abuser: has a pretty miserable life, volatile personal life, many unhappy issues.  Probably, I suspect, how some expected me to turn out. 

Whatever you say about Ron he does have a role in me living a "productive" life. 

My older half-sister had many issues when last we spoke.  Poor health, divorced, very, profoundly, unhappy.  I suspect she wanted to break up my marriage so I could "move i…

This is the First Amendment - Public property for all

So, I'm feeling better.  Oddly enough, while it doesn't supposedly "work" on depression, I often feel far better after my lithium. 

So there. 

Anyway.  I was thinking about people I find upsetting. 

See, "depressed ravings" nonwithstanding, most of the time I like nearly everyone.  I usually have a huge affection for black service providers, gang-bangers of all color, other service providers, etc. 

Although I do have to say I would, if asked, say God has "sent" me more to the black and latino crowd as regards evangelism. 

Speaking of, someone's very upset. 

Here's an important fact: the first amendment works across the board.  If I can hand out Bibles on the median, the homeless guy can beg on his median, or the JW's can hand out material on their median.  It's public property for all. 

Private property is far more tricky. 

In one case, a Florida public school granted permission for Bible distribution to each child.  As a result, …

I'd skip it, depressed ravings

It's not about my birthday. 

As I see it, I'm doing pretty damned well for a crazy, brain-damaged women turning 40. 

I own my own home. 

Ron and I own our own business, which is doing well in spite of the economy. 

I have a rewarding evangelistic career. 

I have a strong faith life. 

I am healthy (save the odd cyst); I have the use of all limbs and senses. 

I have a husband who is working on appreciating the things I do for him.  He has gotten a lot better at that, lately. 

I don't mind the caregiving stuff, not that I really think I have that much anyway.  But it is nice to hear thank you and "You do a lot for me" now and then. 

That said, I'm pretty depressed. 

I was listening to - Signed up to Die, by This'l. 

I had the thought I often have, it's a lot harder to live for Jesus, than it is to die for Him.  A decision at gunpoint, a bullet, it's over. 

Living for Jesus - battling all my inner demons, Bad Thoughts, et…


This won't be the typical blog. 

I am in a horrible mood.  Depressed and very irritable.  Not really fit for anything public. 

I had planned to go to bed very early, but that didn't work out. 

I did have a lovely cuddle with Torbie last night.  She slept in the bed, and permitted lots of petting and kisses as I hit the snooze alarm. 

I'm limping along, trying to practice my faith the best I can, honor God, and not release my inner bitch. 

Some days.  I just want to take out my brain and put it in the freezer.

I want to control my content

When depressed, I often encounter the "I'm so depressed, negative and boring." line of thinking.   

However, my hit counter (about 2800 views a month) says y'all like me anyway.  Yes, it's a popularity contest.  I admit that.  It makes me happy to see lots of hits, although I don't think I'll ever get the 7K hits I did the month our house was robbed back in December 2012. 

Today: got up, shower, no energy or motivation for God time.  We had some pretty severe downpours and some minor street flooding.  We are due for more rain, too. 

Baby Girl has become more "my" cat, although Torbie does sleep with me on occasion.  I'll take what I get. 

Ron and I had made a date to go to House of Fries.  I saw it after a Bible Handout a while back and I've been interested to sample the menu. 

Of course, I took this along: 
My afternoon meds.  Clearly I take some supplements in addition to the prescriptions.  The pink capsules are lithium, the small o…

"Get me a switch"

Another point. 

I have been the victim of domestic violence on more than one occasion.  On nearly every occasion I used physical violence to defend myself. 

I had to teach one abuser, getting within arms reach while attacking me meant they'd be choked until they agreed to stop hitting me.  A harsh lesson to teach, to be sure. 

I have knee problems due to one physical assault, from someone who was taught karate.  If you have a violent and abusive child, don't send them to karate.  It just makes them more effective tormenters. 

I have various physical scars from physical assaults before I met Ron. 

On one memorable occasion, Ron got violent with me during a blackout when I prevented him from walking on broken glass.  He slapped me and left me black and blue.  I ended up hitting him over the head with an old running shoe until he backed off - and let me tell you, that's a hell of a place to be, pinned on the floor by a crippled head injury victim who's doing me damage - w…

Date night

I've mentioned I have a scar on my chest.  It's upsetting. 

The scar itself isn't upsetting.  I have scars from various other injuries that don't bother me a bit.  I have acne scars..  I have moles and some large, dark, freckles. 

It's the context.  I got the scar in an assault.  When I went for help, those I trusted to help me not only refused to help, but blamed me for the assault and denied medical care. 

"If I see it and I'm depressed" I told Ron "It's very upsetting and really aggravates the depression."

Ron them proceeded to tell me that everything was made of atoms so scars, and skin, didn't exist anyway.  [sigh]

We went to the Dollar store a while back.  I saw some temporary tattoos. 

I have considered a permanent tattoo.  However, I tend to abscess and that could get ugly real fast.  I want to minimize it, not amplify. 

I thought the temporary tattoo might be a good solution.  I applied one this morning, after my shower.  I…

"It has a black cowboy"

We had our truck day yesterday.  Overall, it went pretty well save a few issues: 

1.  Sandwich guy was late so we had to come in on our day off, today, to get the delivery and stock.  However, it did give me the chance to realize business is about the same, regardless of who supposedly showed up over the weekend.  No worries about getting wiped out- at least not yet.  Things will get busy as we approach Christmas. 

2.  I'm very glad we have help - someone with a truck.  However, he did not tell Ron he had parked all the way across the parking lot and walked over, instead of pulling up outside like he usually does. 

The cart attendant brought the flatbed out the exit door, and when I called Ron to come over the guy took his time, clowning around, pushing the wheelchair in circles.  The cart attendant had a lot of work to do.  When he realized our driver didn't even have a vehicle nearby,  he left (rightly so). 

Later Ron asked why I "had" to load the truck by myself (…


I realized, to my horror, my Breakfast Biscuits may contain nut allergens. 

I know I am allergic to Almonds.... goodbye breakfast biscuits.  I've been giving them out to (nice) drivers. 

I don't want to wake up with a tube down my throat because I had an "episode". 

I woke up pretty early today.  We had to go to Walmart. 

Ron fell and broke his plastic desktop fan.  He loves to lie in the breeze.  Yesterday, we bought a metal fan but it scared Baby Girl.  She wouldn't even go in his room to eat when the fan was running. 

Clearly, we need another fan. 

Ron didn't want to go to church today, so we got up early.  I took my shower (yay!  Quite the job when I'm depressed) and we went to Walmart before it got crazy. 

I did my God Time later, before getting on the computer. 

I took Ron over to the fan section (pretty sparse these days!) and he selected a stand fan.  I reminded him he had broken a lot in the past, by falling on them. 

"That was when I had al…

Help this migraine!

"Lord" I begged a few days ago, while lying in bed "Please help this migraine."

I had a thought.  Help it what?  

I had to laugh at the image of praying to make the migraine stronger.  I thought it was very funny at the time.

Tonight I told Ron "Dad's praying for your neuropathy"  I started laughing at the thought of Dad praying for worsening neuropathy and explained myself to Ron.  He laughed too.

Maybe it's our own special weirdness.  

Today was pretty quiet.  We went to Walmart and came home, then we went to Carl's Jr and home.  I took a nap.

Things look to be getting very busy at work soon, so I'm trying to rest up and take care of myself.   Am I worried?  No.

We had about this amount of customers before, 13 years ago.  We managed that and a full time deli on top.  Now we're "just" vending which keeps us plenty busy.  Worst case we can hire a part time, driving, helper.

Ideally, if we did that, I would hire someone with…

It's not your business!

I started using henna on my hair several months ago.  At the time, I believed it was temporary.  I wouldn't have used it if I knew it was permanent.  I got a nice deep auburn. 

However, I had to keep maintaining the treatments, which involved me sitting around for hours on end, on my day off, my head full of green glop. 

I also noticed all the other brunette "rebels" who had colored their hair auburn.  I was starting to feel like a lemming.  I've always sworn I wouldn't be the woman who vainly colored her hair for fashion, to match the crowd, to assimilate, and to cover oh horror the gray. 

Yet I was. 

I decided to stop.  It's growing out, pretty quickly.  I will have brown/gray hair with auburn ends, for a few years, assuming we don't get raptured first (assuming I don't cut it, either). 

I'm sure some people will be disappointed, because "Oh, it looked so cute".  Hey, I have limited energy.  I certainly don't want to spend it on my…