Showing posts from October, 2015

I wait

Ron fixed the gate, but gave God most of the credit.  I helped in a minor fashion. 

We awoke to torrential rain this morning, as promised.  However, it's nice and dry now.  Should be good weather for trick-or-treat. 

I did a shower, God Time, didn't get a nap.  Kids wanted to play outside, and I doubt I could have slept anyway. 

Anxiety was really bad this morning.  I don't know if it was a "brain fart" or a reaction to the iced tea I had with breakfast.  I just know it was awful and I hated it. 

I can see why people drink and use drugs.  I really can.  Will I?  No. 

I will say I would have given up the battle long ago, without my faith.  Speaking of, I did up a little more candy for the kids tonight.  I have about 120 bags.  2 handfuls assorted candy, full sized candy bar, scripture booklet.  Even if I only get one kid a year that's a lot of kids. 

For now, I wait.

Imperfect men

I went to bed around 8 last night.  I was sleeping pretty well until #6 made a lot of noise with their trash can, around 9:30. 

I got up, peed, drank some water, and unplugged my cell phone, which had finally finished charging.  I wasn't really upset, it was probably yet another diaper. 


Don't get me wrong, I worked for several years in our church nursery, 9 months to 3 years.  If only they knew I was crazy!  As it was, I was seen as "good with the children" and a positive volunteer. 

I can't go into how I was drafted to do this, suffice to say I started to help a third party, then they liked me enough they asked to "keep" me, which my stepmother allowed.  The church had pretty progressive teachings, so probably a good thing I was kept away from the sermons. 

I did miss sitting next to Chris -my big high school crush.  Oh, I adored him.  He probably appreciated the break.  Wherever he is now, I wish him lots of love and happiness, he was very…

"I got people" handout

"Gimme Dat" is basically my theme song.  More on that in a minute. 

Today I brought my loaded up handcart to Sam's Club, and then to work.  I got to watch my cheap laminated sign flap around in the back of the truck, worried it would fly off onto someone's windshield.  I'm glad I didn't bring my "nice" one!  It got a little chewed. 

I took the cart into my work area and left it while I did my job, or, for the believers, "Made tents".  Paul, the missionary, made tents for a living and preached the gospel on the side, and boy did he.  I had to make my tents before I could be the missionary. 

After work I sent Ron home on the bus.  I'd planned to take the #6 bus to the transit center, then transfer to the #99.  I didn't realize I'd have to drag a heavily laden handcart across half a mile, literally, of grass.    Not only was it hard to move, it wobbled back and forth like a bucking bronco.  I got a …

All Important Pride

Today I was reading part of an old diary that runs from 1991-1997. 

It was profoundly depressing.  Ron got mad at me.  He was mean.  He threatened to throw me out.  I had a good day out by myself.  Came home.  Ron was mean. 

It's like - wow.  He was a creep.  It didn't get better.  About the only time he didn't threaten to throw me out was the time when I paid all the bills.  He still did a lot of pouting and dramas.  He has a very bad habit of pouting, sulking, and "punishing" when things don't go his way. 

Today was a good example.  Our first ride was a contracted cab.  He arrived an hour late.  After we got a couple blocks from the house, I realized I forgot my badge. 

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have even mentioned it but I knew I'd have more hell to pay if I didn't correct it now.  As it was, both Ron and the driver had hissy fits when I POLITELY asked to go back. 

They kept blowing out angry little sighs and the driver drove like a …

Pretty stupid

"I hate to tell you I'm queasy" I whined "Because I'm always queasy."  Sad but true.  Ron and I were at lunch. 

I slept in pretty late for me, about 7 AM, and did my shower and God Time.  Even though it's supposed to rain on Saturday, I have a feeling it's going to be a blowout. 

I viewed what's left of the to-be-bagged candy, and resolved to buy some more candy.  Just in case.  I can always hand out leftovers to other people. 

We went to the bank.  They got us there late and arrived early, leaving us scrambling to finish our business in time. 

We did.  Then we went to Arby's, where I whined at Ron.  I told him I am very sick of depression and anxiety, can't wait to get manic, even though I don't like the whole "compulsion to activity" thing inherent in a mania, or mine at least.  I told him I am nearly always wracked with anxiety, sick of it, and can't wait until God takes this load from me. 

If this is stable I w…

Safety is our goal!

I went to bed as early as possible, but took a while to fall asleep.  Then I woke up ready to go at midnight. 

Like a vampire. 

I forced myself to go back to bed.  While I may wake up, early, on occasion, it's been my experience the initial energy surge is followed by a brutal crash. 

I woke up again when my alarm went off, around 2.  However, I was tucked in, nice and warm, with 3 cats in the bed.  I hit the snooze, more than once. 

I finally got up around quarter to 3.  I took my shower and did my God Time later.

I drank 2 Diet Dr Peppers, ate an energy bar, and took my meds, but they didn't agree.  I was pretty horribly nauseous.  I don't know what it is, when I'm queasy, everyone wants to talk about steak.  Ugh. 

I can't go around saying "I'm queasy" every time I am, because it would be a real downer for Ron and rather self-pitying, in my book. 

Anyway, my Pepto tablets did the job.  Which is why I bought them, and have chosen to keep them …


I've had a horrible time this weekend, anxious, agitated, depression.  Nothing that'd make me call my doctor, just thoughts running wild like small animals in my head.  Round it up, stomp it, just get rid of the damned things, already.

Torbie seems to sense some disquiet, she's been spending more time with me.  She wants to be my consolation. 

I read my Bible: "I would have you without care"  Yeah, I'd have me without it, too. 

We don't always get what we want, do we? 

I do my best to quash it.  It's wearying. 

I hope to God someone gets something out of the blog, something that encourages them to go on, to realize that others battle, too.  I'd hate to think I couldn't help encourage one soul. 

I tell myself my thoughts seem darker than they are.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.  I will continue. 

Ron's been OK.  We both got as much sleep as possible during "the big storm".  That's about the only time you're …

I don't live in a vacuum.

Anxious depression is hell.  Just H E L L.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even a child torturing rapist. 

I get very weary.  Then Ron has to much to drink and blubbers how much he loves me; it reminds me I don't live in a vacuum.  Even if I had a 100% certain method to "end it"; which I don't - and believe you me, God will absolutely send you back if it's not your time - I wouldn't because it would be cruelty to my survivors. 

Dark thoughts for depression; am I suicidal?  No, just reminding myself why I never could be, even if things were That Bad (they aren't). 

I slept OK except for the mosquito feasting on me.  I woke up tired, I'm always tired unless I'm manic. 

Shower, did God Time later.  We went to work. 

The machines were pretty wiped out.  I was very busy stocking.  The bottle vendor was completely empty.  That was an easy list: everything.  So I put everything on the cart, rolled it out to the fridge (in a very inconvenient new …

Cast Iron

I didn't sleep well last night; worried. 

I dragged myself out of bed, shower, God Time, careful not to use all the hot water.  Ron took a bath and got dressed. 

My aunt came and drove us to the center.  We ended up waiting 2.5 hours before Ron went back.  It was freezing cold. 

After Ron went to the back, he waited another hour before they took him to surgery. 

It's OK, I understand.  It was certainly an assembly line (but, gotta pay the bills), but everyone was kind. 

I found it a bit disturbing filling out paperwork on job related insurance.  Since we are two, we don't fall under the regulation. 

But that isn't their business, in my opinion.  I don't blame the medical people, I blame regulation. 

Finally, got it all done.  Finally, Ron went off to surgery. 

I took my bill validator cleaner and gave the vending machine a good workout.  Yes, I'm a geek.  It was filthy. 

We came back, it wasn't too long before they called me back.  Ron was fine.  H…

Pretty worn out

Yes, Ron got really drunk and had a blackout.  I am simply amazed he got himself to bed. 

Biscuit threw up, twice, after I gave him his num-num (canned food) this morning.  Poor baby.  Praise God he did so on the tile. 

Ron woke up. 

"I remember something about the cat door" Ron moaned.  "What did I do?"  I told him, plainly, without any drama. 

I assumed, once I told Ron about his activities, he would understand he needed to change, but when he came out of the house he hadn't.  He was not presentable by any standard. 

We had to go to Sam's.  My consolation, they just got a bunch of new hires.  No one knew us. 

No cart attendant either.  I was so glad I wear a modest men's t-shirt, as I found myself standing in the truck bed, bending over, and accepting cases from Truck Guy.  At least I wasn't showing my bra. 

We got it loaded, went back home.  I took my morning pills and a salt tablet.  Ron changed and used the bathroom.  We went to work. 

Some days I just endure

Well, unexpected result on my talk with the neighbors about the little boy in the street. 

They switched their parking.  Now the "husband's" work truck abuts my property.  The "family car" is behind it, towards #8, now. 

I guess they didn't like me talking to the oldest.  Well, as Ron says control your animal.  Keep him off my property!  Keep him out of the street!   My PTSD does not need a small dead body in the road.   Ron made a sarcastic comment, to me (at home),  about them trying to thin the herd. 

I'm "sorry" I had to "remind" you his antics could put him in a wheelchair, or worse.  [rolleyes] 

If I had really understood the drama inherent with neighbors, I would have bought property out in the middle of nowhere.  It still baffles me, completely, why they think it is "not a big deal" to let the little boy run in the road a couple times a day, that I've seen. 

I remind myself, I've had worse. 

I know, I …

The Iceberg

I got a good night's sleep, thank God. 

I woke up and found the little boy next door running down my driveway into the street.  I resolved to mention it to a Responsible Person if I caught him at it again. 

When he gets run over, I want to be able to say I did what I could to prevent it.  You hear about it all the time, wild little toddler runs out where he shouldn't. 

Anyway, I went on with my day, and headed off to work.  Snacks didn't need much stocking, so I focused on helping Ron. 

At one point, a difficult lock that's been troubling us unmounted itself and came off in Ron's hand.  Great.  I managed to get it... or did I?  It wouldn't work for a minute but we finally got it done. 

The freezer guy came out.  Basically we have to thaw "the iceberg" that is our freezer and mop it all up.  Then he will come back and analyze it. 

Defrosting a freezer like that is a horrific job.  I am NOT looking forward to it. 

By that time, work was done and w…

Big People

Well, after months of watching little "cinco" (the fifth child, and third boy) run out into the street, playing catch-me-if-you-can with his mother and siblings, nearly run over by Metrolift twice because he likes to dart into the street, etc... I finally had a talk with his oldest sibling. 

"Do you know why my husband ended up in a wheelchair?"
"Do you know why my husband ended up in a wheelchair?"
"He was hit by a car."  I indicated the little boy, standing in the gutter in front of my home.  "I just thought you should know that." 

I didn't bother to tell him that nearly every toddler hit by a car dies of the head trauma, and those who live - well, their parents wish they hadn't.  I figured the specter of his little brother in a wheelchair might make him a little more diligent. 

Now, if he does get hit, I can say "I warned them about letting the little boy run wild." 



I'm disappointed in Ron, and it's a shame, because yesterday wasn't bad. 

We stayed home in the morning.  Normally I leave around 6.  #2 decided to play with his lawnmower around 8 AM, I was glad I was already awake. 

I had horrific anxiety all day about the neighbors (possibly) making noise and coming into my yard.  It was exhausting.  I think I'm going to talk to doc about aspartame. 

I took my shower, dressed, we went to Walmart around 4 PM.  Ron wanted more root beer.  We got it, and I got a few little things (including the cat sweater for Gravy).  I think the gray camouflage is cute because he has grey spots.  He was happy to get rid of it, but forgave me when I gave him a can of nasty fish cat food. 

We went to work.  We rode with a former driver, now a passenger.  They fired her for cleanliness issues - a supervisor told me.  Why am I sharing this gossip?  Well, she looked a lot better, clean hair, dyed hair, no odor (and there was, before!).  She seemed ver…

Gravy, in a sweater.

Long day, not a bad one, but lots of anxiety. 

And Gravy, in a sweater. 


I slept in, woke up at 5 AM with a moderate headache.  I took some aspirin, put 2 Diet Dr Peppers in the fridge, and went back to sleep for a couple more hours. 

We had a trip planned, to the pet store. 

We were supposed to leave today but Ron got a pass due to the whole "crapping blood" thing. 

Glad to see it served a purpose. 

I took a shower (did my God Time later), and got ready.  Our ride was due at 9:30, didn't come until 11. 

I keep hearing how the service has all this great "on time" service, and I figure either they are the biggest liars in the whole world, or we are just very unlucky! 

We finally got there.  Ron had to adjust the pickup so we had time to get the cat food, a drink for him (I don't drink Starbucks since the owner said he doesn't want money from people who support conventional marriage), and a kolache for me.  As far as I know, the Kolache Factory is "cool". 

I was pretty queasy due to the aspirin.  It's an o…


I woke up, exhausted, on Thursday.  I did my God Time later, but did do my shower.  I used my "no frizz" hair care regime, which, to me, smells like rotted fruit salad.  However, it does the job and Ron likes the fragrance. 

We went to Sam's Club and got 60 cases (I checked), mostly drinks.  Boy, that was exhausting.  I also got what snacks I could manage to shove into the truck bed. 

We got to work.  Ron was very stiff so I had more unloading.  I got it all on the carts, stuffed it in there.  Our selections have been pretty popular (at least 50% sold out every time we come in).  I got everything stocked (! took a minute!), helped Ron, and, yet again, God performed miracles with space time laws and our tiny stockroom. 

Maintenance came and told us they are moving our fridge/freezer unit, but it's a good move for us.  I feel Ron will be a lot safer.  That's probably why they are doing it. 

Ron got his stuff accomplished and we left. 

I came home and took a na…


Wednesday was pretty busy.  We went to work, came home, I got a short nap, we went to Arby's and the Dollar store.  We came home. 

Ron had the bright idea to make a later-night Walmart trip.  I, in my foolishness, thought it a good idea.  We went. 

The store was fine, a lot of people coughing, little kids running wild and screaming in Spanish, but lots of checkout lanes.  We were out of cat treats, so we kind of "had" to go. 

The actual trip went fine.  Our ride was sent to the cab company and a driver took it... then nothing, for over an hour.  My Walmart closes at midnight and we were well after 10 PM.  We also had a very early wakeup for "truck day".  Happily I had already managed to do my God Time. 

Anyway, the driver finally came and took us home.  It was like a scene from a bad movie, 3 people waiting on a cab, all of them wanting him, he was there for us.  I wanted him to drive away before we even got the setbelts fastened. 

The other people were pr…

Don't take it!

I finally got some sleep, about 10 hours, and woke up feeling charged if not energized.  Nuances. 

I got up, did my God Time, shower, teeth. 

It may interest you.  Since I have horrible gingivitis (it runs in the family, and I have a very dry mouth due to medication), I have to do a bit to care for my teeth.  I use the plaque buster rinse, brush with a child's toothbrush (gets into the nooks and crannies better), and floss.  Twice a day.  My gums seem happier and less swollen. 

Like a lot of people, I have nightmares about my teeth falling out.  Ugh.  I plan to put that off as long as possible, although Ron tells a story of a girlfriend who used to take her teeth out...

We went to Walmart.  Ron complained I wasn't "fun" and "was mean".  I told him it was depression; I wasn't mad at him.  We basically agreed mental illness sucks, and takes a toll on the whole family, yet another reason I never had kids.

If you are crazy, and bred, fine.  I don't t…

I don't want to be that person

I figured today would be difficult, I was right. 

First of all, I had to go to bed very early last night.  #6 had a lot of people over, I figured out later it must have been some kind of Bible study, but it had me up wondering if they were about to blast out a party. 

That, as it turned out, happened today when I was trying to nap. 

So, I had to get up at 2.  I did my God Time later (not long ago, in fact).  I took my shower, shaved my legs, because I just wasn't 100% certain.  I treated my "hangnail" on my toe with some tea tree oil (love that stuff). 

I got dressed and went outside.  I didn't want to wait inside, because, many times, the driver pulls up, dispatch radio blasting, shouting a cheerful good morning, banging the wheelchair ramp, etc. 

I don't like to disturb the neighbors.  I know one of them's up about the same time anyway, but the others are not. 

So, when she pulled up, yelling Good Morning, I asked her, politely, to please keep it down,…


I woke up around 8 AM, pretty depressed. 

We have to get up (I do, at least) at 2 AM tomorrow.  We have three deliveries and a repairman, coming in.  The repairman has proven rather erratic. 

"He laughed at little too hard" Ron said last week "At my joke about sobering up before he came by".  [twitch]

I didn't take a shower, but I did do my God Time.  I watched Law & Order reruns.  I took my medication. 

I got tired, and considered going to bed again, to grab some sleep.  I regret I didn't. 

I did go to bed around noon, but shortly afterward, Mr. #6 let his children out to play, loudly, in the backyard right next to my bedroom wall.  I got up for a while.  I noticed he was also playing music.  In my experience, hyperactive children + music = party.  Now, they are "about" due for a party due to my calculations, but I figured it to be next weekend.  However, 3 strange cars out in front of the house kind of contradict that point. 

I waited u…

The strangeness

I'm sleeping better, but still have a hard time falling asleep. 

I woke up pretty exhausted.  I did my shower, and my God Time later (before I got online, that's my rule - if I have enough energy for this I have enough for Him). 

Sure enough, my Haldol perked me right up.  I have no idea why, it's not supposed to do that.  And it didn't, at a lower dose. 

We went to the warehouse and loaded up.  The cart attendant was late to work so I had to load most of the truck myself. 

I had a nasty headache, so I ate a muffin before I took my painkiller (two doses of OTC painkillers today).  It helped. 

I got to work and got everything stocked - things were pretty wiped out.  It's great they like what we're doing, but it's a little scary too. 

I was able to finish my work and help Ron with his, with both of us happy.  Good. 

We left and had a good ride home.  I took a nap, but Ron forgot and woke me up.  I heard some other noise but I still slept for over an ho…

End of the Line

Addressing comments: Ray Bradbury wrote a very good book on writing.  The significant part, for me, he said, just let it all erupt onto the page.  Don't worry about how it sounds.  Just get it out, then edit later. 

Yes, Ron is still drinking, up to about 8 ounces hard liquor, a day.  He isn't bleeding - not yet. 

I had to ditch a couple of people on Facebook.  One did the "Medication makes you a shooter" routine.  I've written enough on that, I find it absolutely enraging.  You would NEVER say that to a diabetic or heart patient.  I imagine some epileptics still get "the business" though, because of the nature of the seizures.  Anyway, I was furious, confronted her, she got an attitude, so I dumped her.  I would have agreed to disagree if she had taken the original post down. 

The second one does what I find from some "hardcore" Christians.  "Oh, Halloween is a devil holiday.  I won't celebrate the devil!"  Even if it means y…
Yesterday was horribly long, more later

Hard Times

I slept, horribly, again.  I have to think it's the Haldol.  I felt like I had 5 Mountain Dews (or cups of coffee).  I kept tossing and turning. 

Torbie knows I am having Hard Times so she got into bed with me.  I loved that.  I kept petting her as I'd toss and turn, she didn't mind.  I did have to move her out of Bed Central a couple times, because I couldn't roll over. 

Funny how a 12 pound cat can occupy so much square footage. 

Alarm went off, I hit snooze a few times, and got up.  My bedding is starting to smell funny so I did a load of laundry (bedding) before we left for work. 

Work wasn't too bad, about 33% sold out as opposed to 50-75%.  I had a lot of work to do on my candy, though.  We sell a candy bar for $1.  Our wholesale cost is between .60 and .65 cents, so it "should" be $1.25.  A gas station or convenience store sells them for a little under $2, for a standard size. 

They know it's a great deal, and they take advantage.  I hear …


Tough day, with depression, but I think I managed a lot. 

Got my shower Took Ron to the mall, in spite of vicious headache.Slew the headacheCame home, took meds, nap.Accounting report.Housecleaning Took out trash. Loads of laundryMade Ron a double batch of split pea soup (from scratch).  He's very happy and says it helps his colon.  Put up the soup in the freezer.  Did up my meds for the week, and took the rest of the day's dose.  Meds definitely get me to functional; not Happytown.   Doc says that's to be expected.

"It's her pork roast".

I could just cry today. 

The pork roast turned out good.  Even Gravy wanted some.  Ron was on the toilet and heard him begging, and laughed.  The baby "Yellow Dutch" potatoes made the whole meal.  They did not get mushy. 

Things went fine at work.  All is back to normal, except for the water.  We will get our own, and to me it's truly worth the extra effort. 

We came home and I took a nap.  Biscuit laid on me and we had a good one, but I was a little stiff due to lack of movement.   Ron wanted, and ate some pork roast, then had a horribly bloody bowel movement.  Yike. 

We went to the doctor's office.  They liked my documentation.  Boy, I had a lot.  Doc was NOT impressed with either of the reports, so has scheduled Ron for a new colonscopy.  He doesn't agree with the UC diagnosis, either. 

So, God only knows.  Ron claimed it was my pork roast.  I can't help laughing every time he says that. 

Doc ordered a blood test.  Medicare may or may not pay for it.…

Can and will be used against you

I slept OK, but woke up horribly depressed. 

I managed my God Time, but not my shower.  I used the bath wipes (they are designed for home care). 

Ron, I could tell, had been battling colitis issues.  He was having a lot of symptoms.  We're not sure if it's the BBQ, raw cucumber salad, or the potatoes, but some combination launched an epic flare.  Poor baby. 

I decided, in the interest of "keeping the peace" I will "apologize" on Monday.  Something along the lines of "I'm sorry if you felt attacked, that wasn't my intent".  Even though I am deeply frustrated and nearly certain he set it up to inconvenience me, even though he was very alarming in his behavior after he lost his temper, I'll do it in the interest of "keeping peace".  He said he had "told" the other vendor, so I may have to deal with him too. 

I can't tell you how much it pissed me off, when Ron did the "Oh, you know Heather, she can't h…

Truck day, glorious weather

It got down in the 50's last night, so I threw an extra couple blankets on the bed.  One cotton bedspread, 3 fleece blankets, one wool blanket (in between the other layers).  I was very comfortable. 

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked, or as long, but I didn't have nightmares. 

I decided to try my porridge.  I bought it yesterday.  It is a mixture of ground beans and grains.  It is faintly sweet.  However, it was very runny at the directed amount of water.  I'll try it again tomorrow at half the suggested water. 

It wasn't bad, though, just different. 

I ate an energy bar to be sure, and took my medication. 

We went to the warehouse, and got a LOT of merchandise.  Ron called, at one point, while I was pushing the fully laden hand cart, by body at a 45 degree angle.  He wanted to know why I was panting, when I answered.  "I was pushing" I choked.  "Oh". 

I had not one, but two, nice young men help me load.  Ron had a colitis attac…

Under the bus.

Pretty upset today.  I feel Ron threw me under the bus (betrayed me when I needed his support). 

What happened?  Well, first I have to explain the stockroom.  I was "given" about 10% of the available space.  I have 34 square feet in which to stock 9 vending machines.  I have a corner in the front (the other guy wanted the pilferers to go after my merchandise, as he blocks his with carts and supplies). 

Our boss had to fight for me to get 2 racks.  I was "lucky" to get the space I had, but needless to say it is very crowded.  I have two, 6 foot high metal racks, 18 inches deep, with shelving.  I have a row of milk crates along the other wall, about 6 feet, stacked with canned soda.  I have two, rolling handcarts that can hold additional merchandise, and I have just enough room (if I set the handcarts over the base) for an additional folding handcart. 

The other vendors do not use their space effectively, things are spread out all over, poor use of vertical space,…