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Showing posts from March, 2011

Cooked brains

Happily, I had a lovely evening.  When Ron has been ugly he tends to retreat to his room for a while.  He did. 

I tended my garden, took the tags of my "new" thrift store clothes, did laundry, and chose a nice (used) book out of my goodie bag.  The used bookstore offers a special of 8 inspirational romance novels for $4.  I can afford that! 

I had a great dinner, some veggie soup and tuna salad, with some low-carb blackberry yogurt for dessert.  It's true, what they say. 

Other people don't have to dictate my day to me.  I decided I'd have a good one and I did. 

Sure, he was ugly, but that's on him.  He also seems to forget, that words said "between us" are recorded by God and will be replayed at the White Throne Judgement one day.  Basically, God reads off your whole life to you, and if you aren't saved, it's hell.  If you are, you may take some of your actions (done in love, for God) to heaven, but many hypocrites will have even their …

They use bleach on the sheets, don't they?

Heidi, my local family is now in Europe.  I will talk to her when she comes back, or I might just get a week at one of the extended stay motels.  They use bleach on the sheets, I think. 

I have a small emergency fund, so if I'm about to lose it I can:

 1.  Call my sister in Florida - she is itching to get me loose of Ron.  She even investigated a local employment agency for people with mental illness.  She would be happy to buy me a one-way ticket and have me live with her until I got on my feet (not long, I bet). 

2,  I could call my Dad.   I wouldn't want to move back to California but he would help me get my own place, I think. 

3.  Aforementioned aunt and uncle. 

4.  I could call the adult services line and tell them what's going down; see what they advise. 

5.  There is at least one person I could call and spend the night (a married couple). 

6.  Rent a week, at the Rent-a-week motel.  They even have them on the good bus line. 

I absolutely agree, his behavior …
I went thrifting. Got a cute skirt and 2 shorts. While talking to a male cashier, who liked my handmade (by me) cell phone holder, Ron called. A whole lot of talking on his end. I took this away; he will only care if I am the codependent pleaser. Then a lot of talk about his use of time; I told him that was his business, and I won't condone any addictive behavior. He didn't like that and hung up.
Heather
Walked in on him during XXX, made a pass, rejected. Later told me I.was too fat - at size 16. Might have bought it, but still uninterested at size 10 (too much work). I told him I inderstood he didn't love me, that I was a lot less important than drink, porno, and anger at God. Sad.
Heather

Even during the migraine

Last night, I woke up and I realized I was better.  Oh, I spent some time praising God, let me tell you. 

This morning, and most of today, I still battled hideous nausea.  I felt pretty limp. 

Ron woke and and asked me why I was "Acting funny".  I got pretty mad.  It's like he totally forgot, again, that I had a migraine. 

It was bad enough, last night, of all the things he could have eaten for dinner, to heat up a hamburger when I'm queasy.  I suggested, today, that if I ever say "I am queasy" to please eat something out of the package without warming it, like a bag of peanuts.  He got an attitude. 

After he ate the burger, he got upset about something to do with the aluminum can recycling bag.  He banged them around, loudly, for several minutes.  While I had a migraine.  Why?  I never got an answer on that. 

I figured reacting, when he was obviously wasted, was just going to feed more obnoxious behavior.  Then he began cursing me because of the alumi…
Ron wanted to know why I was "acting funny" today. Somewhere between the fact he couldn't bother to remember I had a migraine; cursing me out when I had it; buying vodka but not enough to pay me; told him I wished God would let me leave.

Whining

Nasty migraine today.  AGH.  What a lousy "Day Off".

My favorite was taking the shower, with a bucket in the enclosure with me "Just in case" I couldn't fight the nausea anymore. 

I have to be careful about staying hydrated, or I could get REALLY sick.  Did fine with that, but I'm still not peeing enough.  I need to fix that. 

I also need to go stuff something down my throat so I can take my pills.  Still pretty severely nauseous.  I was doing OK until Ron forgot and mentioned hamburgers. 

On the plus side, I got some great cuddles from Bubba, it was quiet for most of the day, and the old bottle of leftover peppermint shampoo felt pretty nice on my poor head today.

Laying the Demons to Rest

I'm listening to my favorite song ever, Laying the Demons to Rest, by Theocracy.  Video with lyrics

You will probably be proud of me, today.  Got up, early, early, early.  2 AM God Time is always a little surreal, especially with a diet soda in hand. 

On the way to work, Ron played his talking book.  The "explicit descriptions of sex",part, of his talking book.  I was VERY unhappy. 

I said what I could, but when we got out Ron seemed to enjoy the whole "I'm outrageous, I'm unpredictable" part of his book.  I resolved, then, to NEVER ever, forget my MP3 player again.  If he chooses to do that, I can choose to listen to my music instead of being forced to listen to that. 

Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy sex... in the context of marriage, "Just you and I" enjoying each other kind of way.  I don't want, or need, anything else. 

Even though I was mad at Ron, I still brought him the wheelchair (really tempting to leave it in the stockroom a…

Newest Bipolar video

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Dude, I have a LOT of videos!

Mojito marmalade

So, being gluttons for punishment we had 2 more trips.  We had the same driver for both trips, and he was so bad one of my neighbors called in a complaint on him to dispatch.  Wow. 

That, to my knowledge, is a first.  He was a little - zippy. 

It's just been a day for wierdness; I had a thread going on a Christian message board (one day I will learn my lesson about message boards, huh?) and it got closed. 

"Getting Ron Some Help" - Hm.  I asked why, we'll see what they say. 

I mean, unless it's my place (here), other people are going to have editorial control.  I remember at the end of the low-carb road, I actually had a moderator go into a post and delete the names of snack foods out of my blog. 

One of the readers had asked about my best sellers.  I don't know why they found that upsetting. 

The nice thing, about this, is objectivity.  Thanks to my medication, I can say, well, Heather, the verbal abuse and all is awfully raw and real.  Maybe a little …

I thought THAT ride was bad!

Today has already been a really wierd day.  I'm a talker, you can see that in my videos. 

When, during every trip today, I'm silent and staring out the window, you know there's problems. 

We had 3 trips, so far, today.  First trip, going to the warehouse.  I needed candy for work. 

I opened the backdoor of the cab, as the front passenger seat was taken.  "Oh, we're going to be sardines!"  - Another passenger in the backseat means Ron and I are crammed in there with her = sardines. 

The front seat passenger began lecturing me about "complaining".  Hello?  Me?  The one who can find something good in even the worst day ever? 

I went and got Ron, stuffed him in the middle seat (he is good about taking that bullet for me - I hate the middle seat), and got in myself.  The woman was STILL raving. 

I could tell Ron was wondering why the driver was going so fast; but it made perfect sense to me as she began raving about Jesus.  Now, I'm pretty &quo…

Aren't you going to help him?

I made a comment about rude and annoying people, and it reminded me of something that had happened at work today. 

I think it goes to WHY I had such a hard time, asserting myself, for so long. 

Ron uses the wheelchair at work.  He uses a "bungee rope" to connect a metal handcart to his wheelchair, then propels the whole works where he needs to go. 

Ron demands a lot at work; but he was always kind and considerate of his employees.  Unfortunately, in his eyes, I am far more "wife and lackey" than I am "employee".  The way he sees it, he drives HIMSELF every minute he's on the clock, so of course I should do the same. 

So, the natural tendendy, since I'm the "caregiver", is to run around and work myself as hard as he does.  But I'm not a workaholic.  I need a break now and then. 

One thing I've concluded is that I haven't been true to myself; and I need to be someone I can respect.  I asked myself a hard question a while b…

Video blog - much better lighting

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"Never let him cry"

This morning, Ron did his usual "I forgive you for angering me" routine.  I wanted to tell him to stuff it; but I ignored it. 

I told him this morning, I would be happy to run the cross-town errand with him, but I wanted to be dropped at home before he wnt to the liquor store.  He took it badly, a lot of ranting and screaming and cursing.  If I wanted to go, I would have to go to the liquor store with them.  "It was no big deal, you can sit in the truck if you want to 'be wierd'".  I told him I would not; I'd stay home. 

More yelling. 


Ron kept asking why I was "acting funny" and I realized, for him, I am. He is used to a co-dependent pleaser, terrified of upsetting him.

A new woman has emerged, one who says "You know, it isn't cool for you to call me a stupid, broken, #itch, no matter how angry you are. It hurts me. Saying you are sorry does not take the pain away. When you do this, you are hurting me."

I also realized, as …

A little too real for some, maybe.

I'm pretty pissed right now.  Please leave a message after the tone. 

I heard Ron talking, and went into his room, thinking he was calling me.  Not.  Quite. 

He was listening to "The Chat Line". It's free to call, but I believe the men have to pay to talk to the women, or leave them messages.  Ron's always trying to get me to listen to things he's taped off the line.  One memorable one featured a married woman, saying she wanted another man, and shouting at her husband as he walks in the room. 

I think it's like the alcohol; if I listen, then I am OK with it, and he can do it.  I have told him, I don't want to talk about this, and if you do I will stop the conversation.  I'm a pretty major gossip and he tries to entice me sometimes, but I always say NO.  "But the guy and his wife...".  NO.  And I walk off. 

The entire time I've known him, he's loved those lines.  He actually maintained a "dating account" while we we…

Sugarsnack

I told Ron today, "I don't think I'll get old".  I seldom talk about the premonitions. 

Mostly, I got them when I was ill, I think they would go under the "Psychotic Features" heading.  I'd have a strong conviction "I'm going to die today".  Overwhelming. 

Lately, though, it's just a simple belief that I won't get old.  I'll either die, or get raptured.  You can google "Rapture" - I am a "pretribber" - I believe in a pre-tribulation Rapture. 

Basically, that Jesus will take all of us "true believers" one day; and the rest of you will be fed some malarkey about aliens.  See, I told you ahead of time. 

Now, aliens could exist (boy, do I sound like I went off my pills OR WHAT?).  I accept that.  If so, then God created all of us, and has a purpose for all of us.  I would be shocked, if we were alone in the universe.  However, I personally think that while there's other intelligent species, cul…

"The Snarl Test (see 2:20 on video)"

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I know, right now, someone is twitching for a video blog (laughing).  "Is Heather manic yet?  What do her jams look like?  Oh, Heather, you need to make a video blog." 

So, to spare that poor soul the agony of typing out a request, I have made a video blog.  [snort] 

Yup, I'm a little manic.  Off to go eat, pill time, and God Time.  I like to talk to Him right about when I take my pills, because that's my sharpest time of the day. 

Make groceries

Thank you Jesus, I'm finally a little manic. 

So, when I left you I had all the conflict about Ron and when I "could" cook.  Did I mention he loved my sugarfree splenda jam?  I used Sure-Jell, by the recipe.  He adored it. 

Today, in fact, he begged me to make him some sandwiches, with the new jam, and gave me some money to buy "his" bread (a "High fiber" but secretly low carb bread) and crunchy peanut butter.  He also bragged on me to 2 friends during phone calls.  Awesome. 

I slept in, had a headache.  Did my God Time, Ron woke up. 

"Why aren't you cooking my beans?"  Huh?  Oh, the beans.  I got them started.  Ron is always happy to help; cut up the sausage and agreed to do the dishes. 

Living with Ron, it's easy to want to do everything.  It's a struggle for him to get to the bathroom or dressed.  What kind of monster would "make" him do anything else? 

Me.  He loves it when I ask for help; and it's doable …

Orange Spice

Well, lest I devolve into "My-husband-is-a-monster", I feel I should say that today he did 2 good things for me:  He took me to Walmart, a nice long trip.  He also bought me a pressure canner.  I'll be paying him back on payday, unless he says "Keep it" (pretty good odds). 

Got up early, since my new modified depression schedule I DO NOT do God Time in the morning.  Not exactly prime time for me, these days. 

We went to Sam's Club on vital and important business: Ron wanted some 1 ounce peanuts, for personal use (we paid with our money).  We did that. 

Then we went to Walmart.  My garden's pretty full, so I skipped the garden department.  I didn't have much cash, or I'd have bought the canner myself.  Once I had the canner onboard, I got some 8 ounce jars, strawberries, lemon, and sugar. 

Everyone in my family needs a real sugar jam; the fake stuff triggers violent migraines.  [shrug]  For my own stuff?  I plan to do half sugar, half splenda…

And dead rodents too

So, I figured first things first: did my  God Time. 

While praying, He reminded me to keep my eyes on Him. 

Good point.  If I am looking at God, I am not making Ron my idol, and if I am looking to God for my love/support/approval/validation than I won't be disappointed.  If Ron can provide some of what need (and he does), wonderful! 

The cat has also come and sat on my foot, to remind me he provides plenty of affection, and dead rodents, too.

Jam tomorrow?

It seems every time I get depressed, the flavors of the exact depression are a little different.  This one's been far more a loss of interest/fatigue type. 

Anyway, got up early, did my God Time.  Dealt with Ron (yike!).  We went to the grocery store. 

The customers are not buying the big-ticket items.  They want to get a little addition to the lunch they have brought.  I am trying to fill that niche. 

For instance, I found some individually wrapped saltine crackers.  The customer gets two, 5x7 inch crackers, for 25 cents.  From my snack machine.  If you have a quarter, you actually have 3 choices in one snack machine.  I needed more crackers. 

We went to the grocery store that sells them, and got the crackers.  Ron also wanted some bottled soda.  I got that, too. 

We had a pretty good ride to work.  We had to take our new handcart.  It works pretty well.  It isn't very large, but it moves the needed merchandise. 

I unfolded the handcart and loaded our merchandise, got i…

A very bad day for him.

Today was pretty hard for me.  It wasn't the worst depression ever but it was hard. 

I got up, did what I had planned for the God Time, took my shower.  Ron was in an incredibly dark and grim mood; which did not improve all day. 

I wonder, absently, if he was picking up on the depression and it made him angry.  He does a lot of the big angry thing when he knows I'm depressed; little realizing that makes the depression about a thousand times worse.  So I don't tell him if at all possible. 

Just a lot of ranting at God, God is so unfair, God allows him to have his physical problems.  A lot of comments I find very hurtful about "needing a normal woman, and getting you instead" . 

Well, I sure know who to lean on when I'm down: God.  God has never once made a hateful comment.  If I were truly dependent on my husband for emotional support, I would have killed myself years ago. 

No, I'm not running suicidal, just making an observation.  I think, with Ron, …

I unloaded everything

I'm getting munched by depression.  Occasionally I allow myself to forget, this illness has teeth. 

Boy, does it.  I'm actually glad the neighbor kids are running around and shouting in the yard, right next to my bedroom.  If I went to bed, I wouldn't sleep anyway.  I would LOVE to go to bed; it's 5 PM. 

So, how was my day?  Got up, headache again.  Took my over the counter generic excedrin; again.  Didn't do my morning God Time; I didn't have it.  I reminded myself that since God created me, He understood. 

I don't ever want anyone to think "Oh, she's so saintly" or "She has it all under control".  [snort]  Not.  Quite.  True. 

So, Chuck was due to pick us up around 8, and he did.  We went to the wholesale warehouse.  I loaded cases of bottled soda onto the handcart (Chuck is about to retire on disability for back, etc.); I got the snacky things we needed: Munchies, Japanese Peanuts.  I made an awful joke about them glowing in t…
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I've had this stuck in my head, ever since I heard about the suicide workers in Japan.  They know the radiation will kill 'em, but they're doing everything they can. 

Look out, dandelions

I don't know if it's just me or not; but I have a tendency to look at the bad thing that happened in my day, and call it a bad day, especially when battling depression. 

When I was a kid, I remember hearing a pastor give a sermon.  He held up a white piece of paper with a black dot.  He said, all you probably notice is the dot, but look how small it is compared to the rest of the paper.  So, I guess I'm not alone. 

I have had a time, taking care.  Yesterday I did have a Day Out, I went to the grocery store, and Favorite Dollar.  I got some wooden "wind chimes" - which seem acceptable to the neighbor's dog (rolleyes).  I got the neighbor's dog a squeaky toy, because she had NO toys at all.  She seems to like it. 

These are the incredibly filthy people, so I doubt they even noticed the toy.  I doubt they'd care, anyway. 

I got some driver candy, which I bagged up and started distributing today, and a lot of batteries for the disaster kit.  Pretty mu…

I'm going to COOK it.

So, what have I been up to? 

Well, 2 trips to Walmart.  The first time, they didn't have Ron's medicine, but when we did get it; it was cheaper.  By about $20.  For us, that's a lot of money. 

I spent a couple of bucks on some really nice looking strawberry plants.  When I got them home, I realized they'd been planted 3 to a pot, so I got 3 times what I paid for.  Not bad for $5 - I got about 15 plants! 

I am on the hunt for an inexpensive water-bath canner (about $20), to can up strawberry preserves.  Maybe figs, I don't know.  I always liked Fig Newtons, so I figure I will eat a fair amount of them fresh. 

Not much energy; battling depression.  I had energy for Ron (need some quality marriage time), some housework, and work.  That was it.  Hardly any energy for my God Time, even. 

I find it a little sad, but then I realize the God who created me understands when I am out of gas.  He loves me anyway. 

The other vendor said some very rude and offensive things…
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Heidi, I turned up the "gain" (microphone volume level) as far as possible but I plan to do a regular post too.

You're going to be so disappointed when you wake up tomorrow.

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As I hear about Japan, I am struck with the amazing similarity to the movie, Atomic Twister.  It's one of my favorites. 

A disaster hits the plant.  They shut down and go to backup.  The backup fails.  Now what? 

Ron is very agitated, he keeps talking about meltdown.  Again, another movie "The China Syndrome". 

What a day!  I found it so sad when Ron called a friend.  Ron chatted briefly, and then said he wasn't worried about tomorrow, because he knows where he's going when he dies.  Go ahead, death!  Bring it! 

"Buddy" got very alarmed and said he wasn't ready to die, and didn't know what would happen when he did.  Ron tried to tell him about Jesus; but the guy wasn't hearing it. 

Ron was devastated.  "What's going to happen to this guy?"  Well, I told him, WE know.  I reminded him that not everyone is called by God (John 6:44).  God has not drawn Buddy to Him, yet. 

As events escalate, it is very clear to me that I am l…

"Like Barbeque"

Occasionally Ron will lean in close and whisper in a husky, passionate voice "You smell good, Heather....

Like Barbeque."  He will take a deep whiff of my hair, scented with woodsmoke, charcoal, and roasted meat, and sigh deeply.  I always laugh. 

I love to barbeque.  Right now I've got some pork ribs smoking on the grill.  Foodtown had them on sale for less than $2 a pound.  I marinated them, and now I'm smoking them over mesquite. 

Today got off to a rather odd start.  All those birds I'm feeding, make a lot of racket.  I got up, thinking it was about 9:30 AM.  I took my shower, and did my God Time, talking to Ron about an item I planned to get for the disaster kit. 

On that subject, upon speaking with many "I don't have one and I'm not going to bother, either" people, who then added "Since you're so well prepared, I'll just show up at YOUR place..." I seldom speak of the disaster kit. 

I have one.  You should, too.  http…

Let's go get our medicine

Yesterday the weather was forecast to be grim.  High winds, severe thunderstorms, my butt.  Yeah.  It was a nice little drippy drizzle, and in the 70's all day, with light breezes. 

I had to tell Ron the business account was overdrawn.  Oops.  He does all the "bank recs" - balances the checkbook.  His bad.  Well, all my books say "Let him accept the consequences" and he did. 

After that auspicious start, I got to do the monthly report.  Talk about depressing; for Ron.  I have food in the fridge, the mortgage is paid, and we have utilities.  I say "Thanks, God!"  Not in front of Ron. 

Ron was really grim; and I let it infect me.  Which is why, today, I went ahead and took an extra lithium at lunch (per my protocol with Doc "Take an extra if you're having a hard time") even though I "felt fine".  I'm mildly depressed now; how would I have been without it?  SHUDDER 

The weather was lovely yesterday and today.  I finally fo…