Showing posts from May, 2007

Going up!

Well, like I said in the other post, I can always count on my moods to pass. Today, I'm going up, surfing the internet and plotting my budget. Enhancing my disaster kit seems like an excellent idea, and it's not all wrong. Hurricane season starts next week and we are predicted to have a higher-than-normal chance of landfall along the Texas Gulf Coast.

Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I may have to chase down my Valerian Root; that's good stuff.

Whenever I have a lot of trouble sleeping, tossing and turning, I can always count on Bubba. Bubba is my Baby Kitten - all 16 pounds of him. He's extremely independent and only likes petting when he's outside. I can forget about getting him in my lap - that's just his personality. But whenever I have trouble sleeping, he climbs into bed with me and curls up. I'll flop over in the middle of the night to discover him nestled by my pillow. Last night, when I did drop off, I had a hideous dream. I a…

On Bad Thoughts

Last night was a bad one, as depressive episodes go. Thank God I do have my medication, and that it works so well. Today, everything is soft, foggy, and peaceful.

Whether I'm up or down, I tend to have trouble falling asleep. I take enough pills; I don't need or want any more. So as I lay awake in bed, I tell myself stories, plan projects, or write in my head. Last night I was thinking about today's post.

When things are bad, I try to think of myself in the third person. I am a horrible, worthless person (so the bad thoughts go). I use up oxygen, I am a parasite, etc. Hey, that's why I call them Bad Thoughts. When they're bad, I try to think of myself in the third person.

"Heather's having a bad day. What nice things can I do for her?" A monster movie on Sci-fi while working on "Happy" (the original brainless knitting project - garter stitch afghan - in bright reds and orange)? That's a good start. Then a nice bath with the…
This weekend I wound up a mile of laceweight yarn. I got it from Knitpicks. Wonderful, lovely, laceweight wools and alpaca/silk blends. Tasty. I'm going to have loads of fun making it into gorgeous lacy shawls and scarves. The Depression (which should be in all caps) is sniffing and scratching at the door, and it helps to have a nice brainless project, (like yarn winding) to keep my mind and hands busy. I've never been so happy to have my hands shaking! Thank God for my pills and the side effects.

I'm practicing some lace stitches (psso, etc) with the natural lace yarn - at $4 a skein for half a mile's worth of yarn, I can afford to experiment. I've also been thinking about learning to spin my own yarn. With places like offering insanely affordable yarn I don't NEED to learn, but I think it'll be fun.

I've been reading about drop spindles and fibers. I like to think I'm always stretching my brain. Just think, a ll…

My favorite afghan

I'm a fairly advanced crocheter and an intermediate knitter. I have several stitch dictionaries with thousands of patterns and dozens of balls of yarn. I have only one afghan, though.

I made it myself. It's not very fancy but it's mine, and it's my favorite. I've made dozens of "nicer, better" afghans, but I love what it represents. I deserve something beautiful, in my favorite colors, in an interesting stitch pattern. I deserve to invest dozens of hours into something for myself.

Since I can remember, I could never measure up to the normal stick - all the things normal people were able to accomplish with such ease. Tying my shoelaces? Riding a bike? All that happened, with great difficulty years after all the "normal" kids could do it. I had terrible social skills and was socially immature. No one knew it, but these were all classic signs of my disabilities. I always had a tremendous creative impulse, though, and I loved expressing …

"I wish I'd brought my knitting"

I never realized how much knitting helps me to wait. I do a lot of waiting. I wait on our rides, everywhere. Getting into my car when I want, and driving in a straight line to my destination? That's as alien to me as the concept of you getting into your spaceship and flying off to Jupiter. You can envision it, but it isn't real.

Once I get to work, for instance, I have to wait on deliveries (junk food, soda, milk, sandwiches, donuts, and repairmen). Once I'm done with work, I have to go outside and wait some more on my ride (could be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours). When I'm on the ride, I wait some more while the driver makes other drop offs and pickups. A "straight trip"? That's a treat. The drivers seem to enjoy us and we do a lot of witnessing so I know God's got us where He wants us. The largest part of witnessing, in my opinion, is showing God's love. Don't get ugly and then talk about Jesus! I digress.

I wait ho…

Do you pay the mortgage?

I just sicced Ron on someone. Somehow, the sight of a blind man, wielding a long white cane like a sword, headed for their nice, shiny Stuck Up Vechicle bothers people, making them want to get out of his way.

After my last post, I got up to eat and take good old Big L(ithium). I saw someone parked at the foot of our driveway, blocking us in. We don't have a car, and I'm happy with that. We save buckets of money and we can afford to work part-time. But it's our driveway! Especially aggravating were the added facts that: 1. Plenty of room in front of our house and the other house they were waiting for, even room in their driveway. and 2. They saw me giving them "The Bad Eye" from my kitchen window for several minutes. They don't move? I don't want to pick a fight. I send Ron out there with the information and a question.

He walks out. It's obvious he wants to talk to them. They pretend they don't see him until he taps the wheel with hi…

In Twenty Minutes...

I'm going to eat something and take my pills. I'm going to thank God with every swallow; thank God for a: dry mouth, indigestion, shaking hands, dizziness, giddiness, drowsiness, foggy thinking, postural hypotension (my blood pressure drops when I stand up quickly, causing me to almost pass out), ghastly metal-mouth taste (like I'm always sucking on a zinc lozenge), acne breakouts, and constant thirst.

It's better than being sick. Last night I realized depression was waiting to kick my butt again. ANYTHING is better than being sick, and battling constant suicidal impulses takes a lot more energy than I lose to the pills. No words can adequately convey the horror of a bipolar depression. I told Ron once "Even if we won the Lotto, I would still want to kill myself." That's the best and most concise way I can phrase it. Ugh. I've been sick long enough. Why wouldn't I happily tolerate all those side effects and more if it means I only suffer the echoes…

Where's the knitting?

Let's see. I've done the pilot and ranting on a few subjects near and dear to my heart.

So what about the knitting?

I don't have digital pictures yet (coming soon!) so I'll just have to describe my projects. I learned to crochet when I was 8 because someone gave me a "Knitting nobby". I couldn't figure it out. I tried so hard I ended up in tears! I asked my Mom and stepsister. No joy. So, they taught me to crochet instead.

I was definitely an on-again-off-again crocheter. When I'm manic, I tend to feel a tremendous flow of creative juices. Hundreds of color ideas and textural images stampede through my brain. I buy yarn, lots of it, and happily plan and execute, until... the crash. The depression hits and the poor sad yarn would languish in the closet for another few months.

After Ron's accident, I made dozens of 2 strand granny square afghans on a lovely N hook Ron bought me for a present. Pretty much everyone involved with his care g…

Are you ready?

Having survived a 7.1 earthquake in California (I never knew I could hide under a twin-sized pillow but I did an excellent job), severe weather, Hurricane Rita, and a disaster-area-proclamation flood, I am DISGUSTED, PEOPLE!

Why don't you have a disaster kit? I don't get it! Imagine: something terrible happens today, a earthquake, flood, or terrorist attack. You can't get to the stores. The roads are impassible. You have no electricity. Now what? We all saw how well that worked after Hurricane Katrina! People went LOOTING because they had nothing stored to feed their kids!

I'm getting out my disaster kit. I work part-time and make a part-time salary, and I think anyone with the means to own a computer and read this ought to have one. Here's what I've got:
Battery operated TV (10 C-cells) and extra batteries.Canned food we both like for a couple weeks. Ron's into the canned pastas, I prefer canned meats and soups. The means to store at least 40 gallons of water…

You should be thanking God we don't have kids!

Today on our ride home from Krogers (we use the paratransit shared-ride service because I can't drive, another post topic), an older lady asked us several very intrusive questions. She had a difficult time believing we didn't have children and even more trouble with the concept that we don't want them. I have to say, you should all get down on your knees and thank God we didn't.

What is it with this whole societal concept that I'm not a "real" woman until I have kids? I have regular cycles, not that it's anyone's business. My life is difficult enough managing my disabilities. And my husbands? Now, add a perfectly healthy child into the equation - a lot of work and buckets of money. No thanks. Children take a tremendous amount of time and energy, time and energy I don't have. I need to take a nap most days and so does my husband! I have a healthy ego that does not need an infant to complete.

Now, let's take a look at the fruit of my womb. Mos…


Today I'm very happy that my hands are shaking. Why? Well, for most of my life I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Knowing me was not fun. Being me was even worse. Last year I finally (Praise God!) got diagnosed and medicated. I also learned to knit.

Once I just said Yes to drugs (Lithium, Lexapro, Risperdal) my life improved dramatically. I had wanted to learn to knit for years. However, my illness made it so tough for me to focus on anything that I gave up trying. I was very worried about the shaking hands side effect from the Lithium so I asked God if he could make it possible for me to do my needlework (I crochet too). Even when my hands are shaking enough that it's tough to type, I can still do my knitting.

I love how knitting makes me a better, more wonderful person. I'm a lot more patient when I've got my knitting in hand, and when I'm done making stuff for myself and my very dear Husband, I've got plenty of friends and relatives. Currently ..…