Showing posts from August, 2012

Theology and Bad Trips

"Why are we having such an awful time today?" Ron lamented "What is wrong?"

"Well," I told him "I guess somebody got saved out of that last Bible Handout - and Bad Things are furious!"  For once, Ron actually agreed with my theology.

If you care to hear it; here's Ron's theology.  Ron loves God, accepts Jesus' death on the cross, is saved.   His feels, since he's saved, he's had "enough trouble" in life and deserves to get taken up to Heaven, one way or another.  Ron also deserves an "easier" life, being saved, and God refuses to oblige him.  Because God refuses to do so, He is "Torture Man" or "Torch" for short.  Boy, I heard both names A LOT today.  Ron is happy to share God, ranges from neutral to supportive as regards my evangelism, and doesn't usually impede me.  He finds the concept of prayer and Bible study "pointless" and interrupts me frequently when I do my God…

Farmer's Tan

I was discussing New Orleans with someone today, and ended up pretty upset.

Suffice to say, after Katrina, I did not see the best citizens, New Orleans had to offer.  [snerk]  So, I have a very bad case of NIMBY - not in my backyard.  The rest of the city feels that way, too, and I am CERTAIN our mayor will not re-enact the Katrina fiasco.  I understand getting back on your feet, but choosing not to work for years, because you have free housing, utilities, and food stamps?  Then whining when they cut you off, after 2 years?

If you've read my blog from 2008, you know I had a pretty hard time, and I had ZERO outside help.
POD envy
In Sickness - don't forget that "ailment" progressed to a crippling neuropathy that has Ron in bed, at home.  He only gets up to eat and use the bathroom.

I had all that - and then the hurricane.  Good thing I had my faith.

I did find it interesting, I saw Mississippi and Louisiana plates, in the Walmart parking lot, as we left today.  Sma…

Keep It

We got to the warehouse, got our supplies, and got our next ride, praise God.  She was a nice driver, one I like.  After the last trip, I told her, I needed a hug and she gave me one.  What a sweetie!

We got to work, and I unloaded the drinks, fetched the cart and wheelchair, and got the drinks into the fridge.  Ron used the wheelchair to get into the building.

Snacks look dreadful, but Ron promised me more inventory on Saturday.  Good.  Only problem, I had a tentative Bible Handout planned for that day.

However, Ron got a phone call.  My Handout Helper got thrown out.  He needs to find a new place to live.  He will not be helping anytime soon.

I feel vaguely guilty.  I know Bible Handouts make the Devil angry - I feel like I should have warned him, somehow.  I do pray for everyone, daily, so my hands are clean on that.

So, Saturday, work in the morning, yard work in the afternoon.  I plan to slap a brown henna treatment on my hair, put it under a shower cap, and mow the yard wit…

Trips Hell

It's been a weird day, already, and I haven't even gone to Walmart!

Our first ride was late.

It's always a bad sign when the driver has a bunch of stuff in the front passenger seat.    Generally, that indicates a driver with extreme control issues.  The drivers are supposed to keep all 4 passenger seats clear for passengers.

It wasn't just a clipboard or a map on the seat, it was lots and lots of stuff.  She clearly did not want anyone "in her space" (if so, don't drive a paratransit cab!).

Why am I going on about her?  Because, when she realized we were on a schedule, she deliberately took the slowest routes possible, driving very slowly, getting "stuck" in traffic when she could have easily taken another route, and incessantly asking "When are they coming to get you?  How long do you have before your next pickup?"  She already knew, she was trying to "work us up" about it.

I ignored it, even when she got "stuck&quo…

I have to laugh at myself

Bubba loves to come over for petting as I prepare to blog.  So, I fulfilled my primary function - petting the cat, before I started typing.

Boy, I slept horribly.  [Bubba wanted more petting, but he's gone now]

I see it like this, I drank diet soda, way too late last night, but I didn't want to get dehydrated and pass out pushing Ron in the wheelchair!  Sounds good until I remember the gas station sold water, and Powerade Zero, in addition to the Diet Dr Pepper.

I have to laugh at myself sometimes.  Today will be interesting, I'm sure.

Ron needs supplies from the warehouse.  I have to get them, and get them into work.  Then some accounting, end-of-month procedures.  After that, I get paid, hopefully.

After all THAT, I then go to Walmart and pick up a few little things for my trip.  I HATE waiting until the last minute and prefer to have my bag packed at least a week in advance.

At any rate, I need to get moving so I'll be ready for the pickup.  I hope you have a …

"He gets all my money"

Today was my day off.

Last night, I felt pretty horrible.  I had a horrible headache and nausea.  I came very close to vomiting, after I took my phenergan.  Happily, I kept it down, laid down, and got a good night's sleep.

I woke up today and took it easy.  I basically did my God Time, a little reading, took a long nap.  I figured, if I needed the sleep I'd better get it.

After I got up, Ron and I decided to go out on the bus.  I put him in the wheelchair and pushed him to the bus stop.  When we got to the transfer point, I saw another guy.

His electric wheelchair was parked at an odd angle, near traffic, on the grassy verge.  He was holding a white cane but clearly had some vision.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye.  It is very unusual to see a blind man (even legally blind) in a wheelchair, and I know for a fact Medicare does not pay for electric wheelchairs for blind people - for obvious reasons.  I had some red flags going.

I made sure Ron was parked safely.  …

Thank You, Lord

So, whatever happened with Ron?

An interesting story.  Yesterday, as I was praying, God let me know I had to let the Holy Spirit work on Ron.  All believers have the Holy Spirit, and when we do wrong it convicts them.

The Holy Spirit also comforts us during hard times.  Anyway, I left it alone.  I didn't talk to Ron until I got home.

When I did, he acted friendly, but not overly so.  As I was strapping the Bibles to my handcart, he came out and sat in his wheelchair.

"I'm sorry".  What?  "I had [a driver we know] today.  I told him what happened and he said I was wrong.  He said a few months isn't even long enough to get me out of the jail, much less probation or release!"

Thank you, Lord.

He also made a point of telling me how much he values me, several times, today.

Handout Update

My #1 thing I ask God: keep me useful.  Make me, and keep me useful.  I will do whatever it takes to share You, just show me Your will.

I am filthy, tired, sunburned, and battling a headache, but it's worth it.

Normally I get a ride to the Handout, on paratransit, thanks to my husband.  However, he was angry at me today and refused to arrange a ride.

Fine, I thought.  I'll go on the bus.  Important point: I normally never take the bus to a handout, although I did for years when I was starting.

I had my 80 Bibles strapped into my handcart and in my shoulder bag.  I almost forgot the sign :pound but God reminded me.  I've got a handcart, a sign, and a shoulder bag.

I head out to the bus stop.  The minute I get to the intersection, I am approached by a strange man.  Vietnamese.  Drunk.  I give him a Bible, and he takes it.  He's confused, but he puts it carefully in his bag and pushes his shopping cart down the street.

I get on the bus.  The driver is kind of gapin…

Get Strapped

I had a fun day out.  Albeit, a hot and sweaty day out.

I left the house, carrying my backpack and some spending cash.  I went to a gas station and got some drinks.  Spent a while waiting on my second bus (a theme for today - waiting on the bus).

Finally got the bus, and went to the thrift store.  I recalled they had swimsuits.  They did.  Baby and toddler size.  AGH.

I found a cute stuffed toy for a friend (she loves orange tabbies), so I just got him.  I headed to the mall.

Now, "The Mall" is a very nice mall.  Affluent.  I kept feeling like I should go to Sears, which I did.  I found a cute, modest, bathing suit with a skirt and some padding on the chest (so I don't "salute").  I liked it.

If I had to wear a 20W bathing suit, it made me look pretty cute and a little bit slimmer even.  Bad news, it cost $50.  Yes, I "probably" could have found a cheaper bathing suit elsewhere.... but I don't have transportation.  I'll leave the tags on …

"You need to help him"

I know, without a doubt, if God wanted me to leave He would make it apparent.  Since, every time I've taken "the issue" to him, I get the same "NO" - and trust me, I wanted a "Go ahead and leave him", I have to assume this is where I'm supposed to be.

That said, Ron "let" me sleep last night.  He was making a lot of noise with his talking book machine.  I got up and said "I'll shut your door".  He knew what I was saying.  Then I saw the cat.  "The cat's is in here, after he leaves I will shut the door".  He made some more noise for a while, and then stopped.  I think he was trying to get more attention.  No one could sleep through that racket.

Now, don't get me wrong, he has ABSOLUTELY kept me up all night, on purpose.  I think, in this case, he was being thoughtless.

Anyway, I slept pretty well last night.  I got up at 5:30.

Got on the computer, looked around for a bit, and Ron woke up.  When he walke…


God only knows what will happen tomorrow.

I know this: I will take the bus and hand out the 80 Bibles I did up tonight.  Guaranteed.

I'm pretty beat, so I will be going to bed early.  I will probably get up early, take my shower.

After that, I don't know.  Depends on the drama level with Ron.  I will probably leave the house, on the bus, and go to various thrift stores and a mall.  I can look for my bathing suit.  That'll keep me busy.

Then, come home, and go out again with the Bibles for handout (I like the evening rush hour).

I have no idea how Ron will act tomorrow.  He wrote me a "Pleading" letter telling me "not to let fear run your life".  When he is calm and rational, I will tell him about the last time I bought him alcohol and why I swore I would no longer do so.

He had a very bad habit of buying vodka, hiding it, and telling me he was only drinking beer or wine that night.  He'd have a blackout.  

He had a very ugly blackout, was extr…

Pending Bible Handout(s)

The cat just came in his (cat) door, meowing.  I called him and put my hand down at cat level.  Bubba ignored me and strutted off down the hall.

"Ron, Bubba's home!  It's for you!"  He jumped up on the bed and I hear Ron talking now.

It seems like everyone in the world is asking me about a Bible Handout.  Tomorrow, I'll do one in my usual spot, afternoon rush hour.  I just need to finish up the Bibles.

I may do one Saturday morning, in the usual spot, need to pray on that but one of my friends would like to do one, and works a conventional job.  Not all of us get up at 2 AM to receive deliveries!

Speaking of, that's what I did.  I admit, I hit the snooze button.  But, I got up, did my God Time.  It comes in two parts: me, praying - I talk to God.  Then, reading the Bible (I have various reading plans), where He talks to me.

I did that, while sucking down a Diet Dr Pepper.  Funny.  The time Diet Dr Pepper has spent in my God Time ought to assure it a plac…

I needed that

I can't tell you how much I needed that hug and prayer.  Battling horrible depression.

Now Ron, God love him, doesn't get it.  He knows my depressions are "bad" and I "don't want to do anything" but he doesn't grasp it.  

His idea of "helping", if I mention "I'm having a hard time with depression" is yelling at God about  "breaking" me.  Calling God Torture Man and worse, shouting and very angry - he assures me "on my behalf".  Then walking around in a black, ugly, mood for days after.

If I mention I have been depressed, he wants to know why I didn't tell him.  Yeah, we could clearly use some counseling on this.  [snort]  When have I ever said that?

So, safe to say, things are not "supportive" at home.  He's not malicious, just oblivious.  He doesn't know, and doesn't want to know.  If I try to tell him he shuts down the lines of communication.

I also have to think, if Ron rea…

That's not Heather!

Sometimes I look at my "friends" list on Facebook, and wonder "Where did you all come from?"

I had joined and my adoptive sister friended me, then the rest of the family.  Then someone, very active on a low-carb message board, found me (I think via email) and friended me.  People from pretrtib Christian message boards friended me.  We can't forget the work group, either, and the friends I picked up through there.

I have former bosses, current bosses (Ron's supervisor), childhood friends (them, I found on my own), a lady I met at the bus stop, and even another woman with my name.  Heather is common.  The last name is not.  I found that one pretty funny.  She is gorgeous, "hot", seems like a lovely lady.  And we have the same name.

I wonder how many people go to find her and I pop up?  And, vice verse.  "That's not Heather!" they say!

At any rate, I have well over 200.  It's generally people who know me and their friends.  Oh, …

Help me pack

I'm off to see my sister in Florida, in a few weeks.  I'll actually be flying on my birthday, but I like planes and airports.  I'll have my music and my Kindle.  Money for snacks.

So, would you like to help me pack?

This is what I have so far, for clothing:
1.  Formal dress for wedding, appropriate shoes to match.
2.  Dressy gauze dress for rehearsal dinner or a nice meal out, shoes to match.
3.  Black broom stick skirt.
4.  T-shirts, several.
5.  Black capri pants
6.  My beloved gray cargo shorts (probably wear on plane)
7.  Jacket (will wear on plane)
8.  Maybe - black knit cotton shorts.
9.  Appropriate undergarments.
10.  Socks.
11.  Bathing suit

I'm a little baffled on shoes.  I will probably take my gray sneakers to wear on the plane.  That should be OK for everything but the more formal occasions, which have their own shoes (black flats for the gauze dress/broom stick skirt; dressy sandals for the wedding).  I might bring my plastic clogs - the ones I …

Rock the chest

I had a good talk with my sister yesterday.  "Don't forget your bathing suit" she said.


You might think I hate swimsuit shopping because it makes me feel fat.  Well, I am.  I'm OK with that for now.  Yes, I have a good 70 pounds to lose, but I will.

I hate it for the modesty issues.  How do I state this?  If I have to shave, wax, or pluck in order to wear the suit, it's not for me.  I am fine with shaving my legs.  No problem there.  The rest?  Ah, no.

I don't want to flash my butt, either.  I try to at least pick something that covers at least as much as my underwear.  That, however, is hard to find!

Yes, I have breasts.  However, if you can see the bite scar from an assault at age 12, it's too frisky.  I have found the halter-style to work the best for me.  It covers the scar nicely.  I could probably really rock the chest, if I wanted, but I'm only interested in my husband.

Now, factor in a "Plus Size".  [shudder]  Good luck, …

What am I?

Here's an odd one.

Ron's sister had 3 sons.  One of them had a son.  Now that boy has a girl pregnant.  What the heck are Ron and I, to the baby?

But it gets weirder.  My own mother had my brother when she was 13.  My sister at age 14.  Then she had me at age 32.  I have a nephew two years younger than myself.  But wait, HE has kids.  At least 3 that I know of.  One of them may have kids.

I also have a niece a few years younger than that.  She has kids.  They are still, kids.

That's not even counting the steps.

Thank God for medication

Sometimes I'm really hard on myself.   And then I read something like this:  In the context of mental disorder, a mixed state, also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode, is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously, such as agitationanxietyfatigueguilt,impulsivenessirritability, morbid or suicidal ideationpanicparanoiapressured speech and rage. Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or

Without Him

So, other than playing "archeologist" with my past, what have I done today?

Not much.

Ate sugar.  Battled a headache.  Avoided all chores.  Talked to Ron a little - but he was in a dark mood; sleeping now, and will probably be up all night.

I did my God Time, and had some quality time with the cat.  I didn't take a shower yet, but I will.

I also remade the bed, based on the last sentence.

Tomorrow should be pretty busy, Walmart, Work, the bank I think, and then home.  Ron made noises about getting some takeout later, but I will verify if he wants to do that.

We are on a budget.

I can sure save him a lot of money when I'm depressed.  I don't want to do anything.

I did catch up on the laundry.  Yay, me.

Today was one Wellbutrin.  I can go up to 2.  I'm going to get my pill cutter and cut some in half for the rest of the week.  Take one and half.

No one deserves to feel like this.  I have to think it goes to keeping me humble and dependent on God.


A better arrangement

Don't get me wrong.  It seems like EVERY Christian I know is having a hard time.

This depression is a killer.  I've tried everything today.  At first, I thought, maybe I'm exhausted because I've been running and running, taking care of all the little things.  So, I went to bed early and slept in this morning.

Then I resolved I wouldn't do anything resembling a chore.  I can paint the wood tomorrow.

I tried resting, and had nightmares.  Still depressed.  In fact, a little worse because a nightmare reminded me of some childhood issues.

Ron put it very eloquently: when my Dad remarried, he married his wife and her family.  Her family did not marry me.  They didn't like me, thought I was favored.

To a large extent, they were right.  I was Daddy's little girl.  What little free time he had, I got.  He wasn't as strict with me.

I think he was strict with the other kids to establish his (alpha male) position.  I already knew Daddy was boss.  They  had a …

I will

I finally drew a line in the sand.

Yesterday, I got up early, went to the warehouse, got the supplies, got them to work.  Heavy cases of soda.  I don't mind physical labor.

Went to work and stocked.  I almost ran into that mean woman but I hid.  Got all the work, worked.

AFTER work, the Home Depot, and plenty of home repair supplies.  I had squirreled a little money away for home repairs before I got the pay cut.  I used that.

Hard work getting the boards in the truck, and then into the backyard.  But, it had to happen if I want my siding repaired, which I do.

At some point the hardie plank has to be painted, so we can just go into the neighbors yard and put it up directly, without bothering them again.  Zero property lines are a hassle.

Basically, for me, one wall of the house is the property line.  Fortunately, they are overall very quiet and respectful of the property.  They probably pray I will paint it one day - it's a rather loud orange.  Can't afford that, and…

"I love Jesus" and a coffee can

If you're a man, you might want to skip the first paragraph.

Ugh.  My cycle started, with the usual wracking, eviscerating, cramps.  I had to take a couple doses of naproxen, which raise my lithium levels, so I've been a little dim today.  I also slept horribly.

However, we had a LOT to do today.  So, I got up.  We went to the warehouse and got chips and soda, took them to work.  Lots of heavy lifting for me.

After work, Chuck picked us up, ran an errand and then Home Depot.  I needed caulk, a caulk gun, all kinds of things, particularly 8 foot hardiplank boards.

I did a good job, asking for help, and I got it.  I put the various items on the cart.  We had left Ron up front.

I finally got over to the boards.  I started loading them up.  I put all 8 onboard and Chuck said "These are 12 foot".  Oops.

So, I had to get out my cell phone and calculate.  If I needed 64 linear feet of board, how many 12 foots do I need?  I got 6.  Boy, they were heavy.  I smashed my ha…

I pray for you daily

Pretty tired.  I went up on the antidepressant per my protocol.  We kept it simple; Ron took me to Starbucks.  I went to a grocery store from there and got the giant incense sticks (the whole garage smells like sandalwood).  I went back to Ron and came home.

Ron & I are good.  Having some good quality time, which I always like.  Bubba cat is good, too.

After I got home, I took a nap, then got up and mowed the yard, took out the trash, etc.  Did some laundry, ate dinner and there goes the energy for the day.

Tomorrow should be fun; we're getting the home improvement supplies after work and probably getting lunch.

Have a good one!  I pray for you daily!

The hard way

Ron got drunk and made some very stupid comments on the phone tonight, on a friend's voicemail.

I hope things work out.

I have told him, again and again, there are certain things you do not say, ever.  Ever.  Even the Bible talks about this.

But, I guess, some people may need to learn some lessons the hard way.

No photo; no filter

No comments this weekend.  Maybe I need to make another political post!  [laugh]

So, would you like to see a photo of my house?

We got the tree limb issue fixed.

Sorry, when I uploaded the photo it had my address.  Both photos, actually.  I have to be careful.

I was worried about the bee issue today - but every time I've gone out and looked I didn't see any.  I also saw this:
Organic bee remover

Ron and I are going to go get some giant incense tomorrow.  That's the great thing about living in the big city - I have choices.  Once they're gone, I can caulk it.

This morning, I had a good day at work, very productive.  Someone asked me how much we work, and I told him it depends on sales.  Better sales - more work.  I also explained I don't drive, we use public transit, we have a very small mortgage, so we can afford to live on what most people couldn't.  He understood.

After work, we came home.  I had taken some OTC headache stuff at work, and felt pretty go…

I just hate the journey

Depression came last night.  Happily, no paranoia or much anxiety.  "Just" a horrible hopelessness, "loss of energy", etc. - the stuff you see in the antidepressant ads.

Ron's listening to "Folsom Prison Blues".  I'm listening to "Holy War" by Whitecross.

Last night, the neighbors had a party, but it wasn't too loud or late.  Today, they brought me cake.  I thought that was nice.

For some reason, they seem really friendly lately.  They've been there for 2 years.  I'm not complaining.  They are the best of the various renters.

As I lay in bed, I got hammered with a ghastly depression.  Sometimes, it creeps up on me, like a slow flood; other times it's like a tsunami.  Boy, was it.  I can take up to 2 Wellbutrin a day.  Normally I take 1, because I can hallucinate at 2.

I fell asleep, so I guess I was OK.  I didn't sleep too well.  We finally got some rain, Ron's tarp blew off the outside of the bathroom window…

Noise machine

Today was a little weird.

It started off with a nice sleep-in.  For me, that meant until 7:30!   In the morning, of course.

After that, I got up and did what cleaning I could, while Ron was home.  I did my God Time and took my shower.

 My aunt and uncle were coming over.  Years ago, during a horrible blackout, Ron blamed his drinking on my housekeeping.  Ever since, it's kind of been a hot button with them.  
I do what I can...but it's not what they'd like to see.  
So, I had to choose what I did, and what I didn't.  They seemed to like everything but the sink - the one thing I hadn't gotten!  They at least felt OK getting some canned drinks out of the fridge.  
When the guys came over to do the bathroom, it was AWFUL.  One reason I always bring pre made foods to the church potlucks.  

After Ron left for the liquor store, I did the cleaning.  I needed to clean the bathroom, but his allergies have been hair-trigger.  I used some carpet cleaning spray the other da…

Hell met Earth and had babies.

I had a very interesting dream last night.  It was the Tribulation.  What's that?  

 "Tribulation is a relatively short period of time where anyone who chose not to follow God up until the Rapture and was therefore left behind (according to Pre-Tribulation doctrine, not Mid- or Post-Tribulation teaching) will experience worldwide hardships, disasters, famine, war, pain, and suffering, which will wipe out more than 75% of all life on the earth before the Second Coming takes place." - Wikipedia  

I am a Pretribulationist.  Anyway, Hell met Earth and had babies.  It was complete chaos.  I was a tribulation saint - someone who got saved after the rapture - and I found my (Heather's) backpack.  Oh, I had all kinds of good things in there!  Food, medication!  A pocketknife!  Sometimes I wonder about the stuff I carry around - but in the dream all these things were absolutely vital to another person's survival.  

Wow.  I've never had a dream like that before.

I just have to laugh

I"m up late, for me.

I had a couple of random thoughts I thought I'd share.

*  The day of Ron's accident, I was notified by Ron's boss (Ron's family decided not to tell me and left me waiting for hours).  When he knocked on the door, I thought he was Ron, and opened the door stark naked.  For our boss.  I'm not sure who was more traumatized.

*  Within a month of Ron's accident, I lost my birth mother and my grandmother (the good one).

*  Ron's family swore they would help us.  "Trust us to get you what you need".  So, I did.  And then they dropped us like a phlegm wad when Ron said "Treat Heather with the respect due my wife", 12 hours before discharge.  I didn't have a bed for him (he slept on the floor due to back problems).  I didn't have a wheelchair, commode chair, or anything else.  I stole a bedpan from the supply closet!  I didn't have medications or groceries.  However, because they were so hateful, I was ab…