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Showing posts from April, 2013

Sometimes I need a night off.

Poor Pretty Kitty has the runs.  I think the shock of moving and a new cat food have combined to make her a little uncomfortable.  She has an appetite, I've heard her eating at night.  I'm just praying she gets well soon (or off to the vet). 

This weekend will be crazy - guys coming over to paint the house BLUE praise You forever Jesus.  It'll freak out the Metrolift drivers for a bit but they'll live. 

I think I should get some prominent new house numbers, though. 

So, I have tomorrow off and it's pretty much an off day.  I got my lithium level back.  It's good, which means I just need to deal with the side effects. 

I've said it before, I see why people go off their meds - but to me that doesn't excuse it.  I know what I am off my pills - and I will not inflict that on anyone. 

Anyway, onto happier subjects.  Tonight I mainly just played online and listened to Demon Hunter.  I didn't do the laundry, pick up, or organize.  I played a few songs…

.6

Ron and I were talking about my medication, and I read the side effects for each aloud.  "Low blood pressure".  "Dizziness".  Common themes, along with darker themes of cardiac problems and fatal seizures. 

I take the hardcore stuff [making fake gang signs].  I'm in the lithium crew. 

I got my lithium level today.  .6  Optimal.  Medline on optimal lithium level

It's good because it means I'm going things right.  It's bad because it means I will have to manage these side effects - the dizziness and low blood pressure.  For instance, if I stand up or stop walking, I get very lightheaded.  I need to move or sit, or I will fall down. 

God, I hope I don't.  That would be so ghastly if I passed out somewhere. 

One problem I encounter, Ron is slow.  I love him dearly, I married him, but he takes a while to stand up.  Then he takes a while to start walking.  In the meantime, a wave of dizziness swamps me and I feel like I just got off a very whirly …
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I slept horribly, woke up with a migraine, and had to work anyway. 

But I did get to come home to this. 

Special Peple

I am almost certain my lithium level will come back toxic.  I am having a lot of physical symptoms.  I just feel ill.  Today, at church, between grief for Bubba (last place I expected) and taking care of Ron, I just felt like I was watching it all happen at the other end of a tunnel.  Afterwards, I felt very dizzy, like I just got off a carnival ride.   I had to keep sitting down.  My left arm kept twitching.  Now I'm enjoying the nausea on top of the dizzy, sick, weakness. 

I've never had a hangover, but it felt like what I have seen in others, nausea, weakness, shaky.  Surprisingly, I do not have a headache. 

I guess one could consider it a good thing - my physical symptoms certainly distract me from my grief.  That's what the addicts do: use the addiction to mask emotional pain.  I don't want to do that, I just want to feel well.  I do need to grieve and it's hard to do sick. 

Considering the crisis last week, I do not want to reduce my lithium dosage unless …

Pretty Girl

Cat lovers will laugh with me.  I left the house with certain expecations.  I'd find a nice kitten, adopt it, and bring it home Monday after I got it fixed.  I wouldn't adopt an older cat because they've broken my heart, twice. 

I left the house with Ron in the wheelchair, various snacks, and drinks.  I am such a vending geek I wondered if the shelter had a vending machine.  It has a contract with Dr Pepper. 

We rolled in, it was chaos.  When we told them we wanted a cat we were directed to another area.  I only saw 2 other people who got cats today, but I think the dog kennels are nearly empty (sadly, I saw at least a dozen dogs "surrendered"). 

They had the cats in a trailer.  We went up the ramp and met a cheerful volunteer. 

The last time I went to BARC (board of animal control), it was awful.  Frosty had gone missing for a while back in 2005.  I was directed into a 200 square foot room crammed with cat cages, surrounded by miserable, begging, meows.  It …

Tomorrow

Last night *something* told me to go look up adoptable pets at the county pound.  Last I heard, they had horrific kill rates.  You can imagine how a black cat might fare. 

You know me, I'm partial to "undercats".  Black cats are misunderstood, feared, and murdered at a horrifying rate because no one wants to love them. 

Like I told the vet, years ago, indicating blind, stroked-out Ron in his wheelchair "I married him the way he is now".  I understand, and relate, to the unloved and unwanted. 

Had Ron and I been "normal" I have no doubt we would have had half a dozen, adopted, special needs children. 

I found adorable black kittens, one in particular really spoke to me.  She had a lot of cattitude.  She's a tiny little furball but adorable. 

From what I read online, ideally I will get a smaller, younger, cat.  I told Ron, I'd like to go to the pound. 

He said OK and made the trip.  He is really helping me grieve.  He's telling me it&#…

Remembering Bubba

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God, I'll miss him

When my mother came visit, she brought her camera.  She's a world class photographer, and what better subject than my cats? 

Bubba felt differently, in fact, when she pointed the camera at him he began defecating.  It's the only time I saw her put the camera down. 

That's my Bubba, no photos please.  Except the ones in my slideshow.  He's the black cat. 

Yesterday, Bubba didn't want treats.  I found that alarming, but he seemed otherwise OK.  I didn't see him last night and assumed he was hunting.  He does that when the weather's nice.  Very hot or very cold weather would find him loafing in my bed. 

I used to tell him "You get the bed during the day, and we share it at night."  Past tense. 

We had today off, and I spent it at home.  I didn't see Bubba today, until after 5 PM.  I had stepped out to check the mail. 

When I came back, I saw Bubba and greeted him delightedly.  Then I realized, this cat is sick.  He was panting and gasping f…

Queasy

OH, I'm so horribly queasy. 

I read an interesting statement somewhere - it said "When you're taking lithium, if you get queasy you need to drink more water".  I think it's right.  It's just hard to drink anything when I feel like I might "blow" any second.  But I'm getting it in. 

I woke up with a pretty bad headache today; excedrin helped, but it was still present, and I had to take more than one dose of painkiller.  A bad headache only needs only dose, pretty bad needs multiple. 

I had to work, and I could, and that's what mattered.  I slept in and had a choice of a shower, or doing my God Time.  Last time I did the shower so this time I did the God Time.  I looked fine - I tried putting some hair gel on the top of my head, around my part.  The hair tends to frizz up in the humidity. I was impressed, it worked pretty well considering I only took a few seconds.  I'm glad I got the 99 Cent store #10 ultimate hold made in America hair…

Scruff

Not my best moment: I found myself shouting at a driver today. 

A work pickup is pretty complicated.  The driver can see 3 driveways.  One is marked "entrance".  However, it is the entrance for other parking lot. 

I was standing in the employee entrance/visitor parking parking lot.  I kept seeing him drive up and down the street, waving at him, saw him go in the wrong parking lot, twice.  Then he parked.  AGH. 

I ended up walking about half a mile, carrying my backpack, at high speed.  I was worried he would start driving away from me. 

I yelled at the wrong person, Ron was in the hallway between the stockrooms, talking to the other vendor.  It's a notrious dead zone for cell phones.  I must have called him 10 times, leaving progressively more annoyed messages. 

Ron knows better than to go in a dead spot when we have a ride due, because I call him to come out.  I asked God to help but I didn't really submit my will to Him, so I acted badly. 

I was too caught up…

Random thoughts, strung together

I woke up with a migraine so this will be more in the "random thoughts, strung together" category. 

I think what bothers Ron about my weight - I don't seem to mind.  I don't talk about it (mainly because he will get started), but yes, it does bother me.  For now I have accepted it because I have a lot on my plate.  So, he thinks I'm fine with it, he's not, and he wants me to know.  I think, when it comes up next time, I'll tell him "I know my weight bothers you.  It bothers me, too." 

I ate 2 small apples with my dinner last night (a cheap chicken TV dinner with tomato sauce).  I got a migraine from the apples.  I know it's them because I've eaten the TV dinner before. 

I saved my TV dinner tray for Bubba-cat (the black one).  He loves tomato sauce.  I discovered this about a year ago, I had placed the TV dinner tray on the floor, it had a few tablespoons of sauce.  I was depressed and didn't want to get up to dispose of the tray.…

BOING

Ron and I talked.  To him, my weight is a big deal, but not massive.  I told him I find it hurtful when he goes on like that, and reminded him that weight gain is listed as a side effect on all 3 of my medications.  I don't think he knew that - or had received it.  I understand this is a big deal to him, but I need to figure out what's going on with my lithium level.  I am due to be tested soon.  Once I get my results, I may be able to cut my dose.  If I can cut my dose I will have more energy and motivation; if not I will have to figure out how to work with what I've got. 

I told him I was also battling depression; I am.  My mania lasted quite a while, 6 weeks I think.  It lasted long enough for my family visit, thank God. 

It also means I may have an equally long depression (I didn't tell Ron).  I just said, it's important for me to focus on positive things when I'm battling depression. 

We decided to "take a walk" in the wheelchair.  It turned o…

"Too Fat"

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Ron's talked about this in public, to other people, so I don't see any violation of boundaries.

He told me, in all seriousness today, he thought I should weigh 120 pounds.  He means it. 

He told me he doesn't find me attractive at this weight, I need to lose weight.  Ron, I told him, you didn't find me attractive when I weighed 60 pounds less than I do now. 

Let me find an example.  Waiting for that to load.  There it is, to the left.  I think I have a nice figure and a pretty flat stomach, in the photo.  I am healthy and I like my face. 

At any rate, everyone else, and complete strangers, said I looked "good". 

This is "too fat, needs to lose 50 pounds" according to Ron, today. 

I think anyone can say, that's a pretty healthy body. 

What makes this painful for me, and Ron knows this - I had severe body issues as a teen.  I was diagnosed as anorexic.  I saw myself as "fat" and tried to get under 100 pounds.  I am 67 inches tall…

I just don't get it

Sometimes I'll complain about the neighbor kids.  "That's what children do" my aunt will gently chide.  Another time, she told me a story about a neighbor who "Didn't understand little boys".  My aunt had 4. 

I always get the feeling she would like to tell me "You lack understanding because you are not a parent".  No, I'm not.  I don't want to be a parent, even by proxy. 

Do I hate kids?  No, but I lack the patience and understanding that only comes with parenthood.  I understand that, just as I understand I will never parent a child. 

So many times I hear "My life changed forever when they put the baby in my arms".  I bet it did, and I mean that in a positive way.  They experience and unfailing trust and love from their children, something I won't experience. 

Right now, I should add, the neighbor kids are quiet.  They wanted to play, I wanted a nap.  The kids won.  The neighbors do all the can to wear out the kids, …

The hair-a-dox

While adding a photo to my slideshow (look right), I noticed an interesting paradox.  I have long hair when I'm fat, short hair when I'm not. 

I have no idea how this happens.  I do know, once, I got tired of washing my long hair after every workout and cut it off.  Maybe that's it - long hair is hard to maintain when I'm working out.

The last time I had long hair (2006-9, I think), I had to wash my hair with either a cheap detergent shampoo (I still do that if it's greasy) or a 2-in-one conditioning shampoo.  Then I'd apply the 3 minute conditioner and clip it up on top of my hair while I finished bathing.  I'd unclip it and rinse it out. 

I still use a hair clip in the shower, it's very useful.  Nowadays, I wash with either a 2-in-1 (The Pantene 10 stuff if my hair is basically clean) or the detergent shampoo, then I do another wash with the Pantene Ultimate 10.  Usually I don't put the leave-in conditioner, I don't find I need it. 

I just …

Try

"You did WHAT?" Ron bellowed. 

I sighed.  "I forgot the wheelchair".  Our driver, hunched over the steering wheel in rush-hour traffic, carefully didn't look at either of us. 

Ron had asked me to bring the wheelchair.  I forgot.  I put it under "properly medicated".  At 4 lithium a day, my short term memory is shot.  Or maybe some of it's the  Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  At any rate, the wheelchair was in the house and not in the back of the vehicle. 

Ron was pretty unhappy.  I had to enforce a few boundaries. 

I don't think I've written them out: 

Do not touch me when you're angry, or I will remove your hand.  I will guide you but don't grab me.  Put your hand on my elbow and I will take you where you need to go.  Anything else is out. 

Do not call me names, or I will walk away. 

Do not shout at me, or I will walk away. 

Don't ask me to remember things.  If you want something done you will have to do it.  [Ron has to carr…

The Alternative

I got up early yesterday and hit the ground running.  I was exhausted. 

I found myself going to bed at 6 PM.  I was exhausted.  I needed to rest.  Why stay up?  I slept nearly 12 hours and still woke up tired. 

Welcome to bipolar.  I did some research.  1 in 4 of us, or at best, 1 in 5, don't make it out alive.  We lose more people than breast cancer (23%); but you don't see special ribbons and "Race for the meds".  We don't have a special awareness month or any of that. 

In fact, if we try to tell someone we have the disease, they can turn it around and use it against us as a weapon.  "Well, you're crazy".  I can see why many do not divulge their illness. 

I was sexually harrassed; the guy said "No one will believe you, you're crazy".  When I told someone (not my husband, who did believe me), he said "Are you taking your pills?  Maybe you misunderstood."  Meaning, don't bother me. 

I am sure if I were ever the victi…

Dumb Phone

So, Ron and I "stood" in the middle of the phone store.  Ron, in his wheelchair, me in my workboots (of course I was fully dressed).  We "looked" at the phones. 

"What is the most expensive?"  I told him, showed him, and frankly told him it scared the crap out of me.  I went over to the other end "This is the cheapest" I showed him a basic flip phone with a camera.  "I like this". 

Ron objected.  It wasn't as nice as my LG Sentio, I should have something nice.  Was there anything I liked? 

I saw a "texter" type cell phone with a slide out keyboard, and showed it to Ron.  "They've got this"  I looked at the menus "But I'd rather have the basic one". 

Why? 

Well, it's simpler.  These days I need something simple.  Was I sure?  Yes.  OK. 

So we got it.  It will cost him $2 a month. 

I don't think the technician understood the problem with the old phone until she tried to open my con…

Splat

When I'm depressed, I'm always looking forward to the mania.  When I'm manic, I'm dreading, watching for, depression. 

It may be coming.  Time will tell. 

Ron is pretty loose, talking on the phone. He had a lot to say to God, earlier, but he was surprisingly nice when my cell phone died. 

"Ron" is a verb in our house.  "To Ron" means "To render an electronic device useless".  "He Ronned it".  I don't allow him near my computer. 

However, I'm pretty hard on my cell phones.  I dropped one in an unused toilet.  I drop them (more than one, and sometimes more than once).  Ron had a cell phone in his coat when he was hit by a car.  It survived the accident, only to die when I dropped it a few months later. The last one lasted about 15 months, a pretty good timeline.  They only live a year or so.

Ron has had his cell phone for years.  It was mine first, we got it in 2006 I think.  I remember having it on a trip to visit my …

How about some photos?

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Peaceful

"Why is it" I told Ron bitterly "We always have horrific terrror attacks during our vacation?" 

Mom and Dad got to town on Saturday.  We went to church on Sunday, I did a small Bible Handout, and then we went to lunch.  They dropped us off at home and I went to bed. 

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked, but found out I don't have as many problems with "the music" (the music that may or may not be present) if I turn up the volume on my noisemaker.  I got up, took my shower, and made sure my bags were packed. 

We were going to Galveston.  Since Mom and Dad wanted to go to the "nice" restaurant, I brought my little black dress.  Happily it is synthetic and packs well.  I brought sandals, wore my workboots, and took my foam slip on shoes (fake crocs).  I brought a few changes of clothes and a few items for Ron. 

Cell phone chargers, medication, blah, blah. 

Then, off to work.  When I got to work I realized I had forgotten the c…

The best moment

"I can't imagine anything worse" I told Ron "Than bombing marathon runners at the finish line.  That's the happiest place on Earth."  I sighed. 

I don't consider myself a runner anymore, even though I ran a half marathon (13.1 miles) back in 2004. You can see the race photos in the slide show.  One is taken at the halfway point, and then the finish line photo.  I was really happy because I had beaten my goal time by half an hour - half an hour faster than I thought.  I was delighted. 

After a breathless, adrenaline fueled phone call to Ron, I walked around for a while afterward, in a happy glow.  3:02:50 I had done it, and done it better than I hoped.  It was one of the best moments of my life. 

Then someone turned that moment into the worst moment of their lives.  That's abominable.  It's like bombing a daycare. 

I continued, talking to Ron "They are very physical people, they are always pushing themselve to go better and faster."…

I finally got a photo!

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Mom made me a collage.  :) 

I'm up for the Challenge

Huh.  Blogger changed the format. 

A minute ago, I was stacking Bibles on my bookcase.  I'd had 60 whole Bibles, 3 cases, but I handed them all out in the last week.   I got some more today and put them in the vacant spot. 

As I stepped back from the bookcase, I had to laugh, because, facing me, three times over, were the words "Are YOU up for the challenge?" 

You see, back in 2005 Thomas Nelson did the Million Bible Challenge.  By 2010, they had sold six million of the Bibles - they are sold pretty much at cost with some evangelism material inside.  I  have handed out hundreds.  I like them.  The recipients like them.  It's a solid translation and even the KJV only crowd can bend a little for a New King James. 

In fact, my personal Bible is a NKJV.  It's a compact size, softcover, in a case I bought separately.  I have the case stuffed with scripture booklets and various tracts.  I think the Bible cost me less than $10. After "The water bottle incident&…

Not an enemy

I could still hear the bass notes on the music, pretty low, last night.  I also had a terrible time sleeping.  I think the latter related more to my consumption of a Diet Dr Pepper around 6 PM.  I know better than to do that.  I lay in bed vowing I would not have any caffeine after 11 AM. 

I stuck to that today, and managed to get a pretty good nap too.   

When Ron woke up I told him about the racket, and how I'd gone over to ask them to turn it off.  Ron was horrified.  "You did what?  Never, EVER, do that!  They could have been... grabbed off the street..." (telling Ron it was only 8:15 PM didn't help).  "ALWAYS wake me up.  Always!" 

I was shocked he was so upset.  I didn't think it was a big deal.  Admittedly, with FAS, I am pretty clueless on a lot of social rules.  I was about 30 before I figured out people didn't really want to know how I was doing, they wanted to hear "Good" only. 

Now and then Ron surprises me, and that was a …

"I'm going to lose my temper".

I'm pretty pleased with how I handled myself. 

As you may know, I always seem to have some kind of hassle around the Bible Handouts.  I'm used to that.  It can be all kinds of things.  Maniacally barking dogs.  Ron "off the chain".  Both.  [eek face]  I'm sick.  Ron's sick.  Someone I love is sick.  Problems with the cats - like when Bubba proudly lets live rats loose in my bedroom. 

You get the idea.  Drama.  Hate it. 

Sooooo.  We'll call them #3.  #3 used to be a nice Asian family, with an elderly exemption.  Apparently, they are renting now, because a young latino family lives there. 

Let me be clear: I love the 3 latino families living directly by me.  They are great. 

However, these guys are more "ghetto".  They like to play loud ooom-pah-pah music all night long (literally).  The first time they turned it off when they saw me, obviously tracking the music.  It was 5 AM.  Tracking backwards, it was probably the night they moved in.  Th…

Another ghetto handout

All done!  I handed out 54! 

I had brought more, Spanish, because I HATE it when they ask if I have Spanish, and I do, but I left it at home.  I'd rather bring an extra 40 or so then run short. 

However, I was wiped out of everything English and about 5 Spanish in, according to my husband, 23 minutes.  They kept me running! 

I had a LOT of people who saw Ron's sign (we were at a T intersection, and he waved his sign to the long arm of the T), pulled into the gas station, and laid on their horns until I ran over and distributed whatever they wanted. 

People go nuts for the Childrens' Bibles - everyone wants them for the kids.  So, at each car, I was doing a couple of adults and a couple of kids, each.  The kids in the backseat love it when I reach a Bible to them, as the parents smile and hold their Bibles. 

I was glad I had brought the Spanish, because I had some takers, including some guys who worked for a painting contractor.  There was a traffic problem that backed…

I just want to hand out Bibles

Today I handed out about 53 Bibles.  Tomorrow I will hand out about 94. 

How do I know?  I was thinking about that today, some of you might be interested in my selection process, etc.  If not you can scroll. 

Today, for instance, I was very attracted to a corner I hadn't used before.   The handout was such a hit I hope God sends me back.  I just felt very drawn to the spot. 

I generally feel a draw to a certain spot: that's where I do the handout.  Or I go to my default spot, wherever that is - right now in Acres Homes.  God may send me somewhere else next time.  I go where I'm sent. 

In fact, when I visit SW Houston, I notice the nice medians and abundance of traffic.  I need traffic to have a handout. If I don't have cars, I don't have recipients, although I have handed out plenty to pedestrians!  I'd be happy to do a handout in Southwest. 

Someone asked me today "Do you think they are used to you?"  Am I fixture?  Oh, look it's Bible Lady,…