Sunday, January 31, 2016


Last night, #6 had some kind of gathering.  The gathering involved kids kicking their soccer ball into the fence, and occasionally the side of our house, for hours, lots of loud yelling and screaming, etc.  They had about 3-4 additional carloads of kids in addition to their own 6.  You can imagine the racket. 

I didn't tell Ron, but apparently one of the cats wandered over, trying to make friends.  One of the kids started screaming, a girl, and the boys chased it off.  If I told Ron he'd be apoplectic, but hopefully the cat (I assume one of the boys) learned his lesson. 

I had hoped to go to bed around 8.  The party went on until well after midnight.  Ron called the police. 

I just don't get it.  No one, and I mean no one, else in the subdivision acts that way.  No one.  I wonder why he thinks it is OK.  I would accept it if he did all this in the afternoon, but at night, when people are trying to sleep?  Midnight? 

He would probably say it was a weekend, but when I get up at 4 AM everyday I'm kind of wired to do that.  Enough about that. 

Needless to say I did not sleep well.  I got up and did my God time.  I had hoped to take a nap later. 

I don't discuss anyone's schedule, including my own.  I only discuss what I've done after I do it but I can't, and won't, share details of someone's routine.  Suffice to say I had hope of a nap. 

We watched church on the computer and I checked to see if I could rest.  Not yet. 

I took a shower.  When I got out Ron asked me, fairly nicely (he can be pretty vicious asking for help on cleaning and organizational issues - he gets very upset), to please clean up the counter around the garbage disposal switch.  As I did that, I saw my chance to take a nap. 

I wasn't sure when they'd be back so I took an hour, called it good, and got up again.  I finished cleaning that area, did some laundry, and got our packages from Amazon. 

I got Ron an HD antenna.  I've mentioned this, he wants to pair it with an inexpensive TV and get rid of cable.  I'm fine with that. 

He gave me the money for it. 

I got my new neck wallet.  The old one was so beat up and dirty looking.  I was happy to make the transfer. 

I also got my new validator cleaning cards.  I haven't used those in a while, at work, and could stand to do it. 

Ron and I went through some items I found while organizing and he told me to get rid of them all.  So I did. 

I would say that's the difference between me and a hoarder.  I have no problem getting rid of, or donating, something.  I just need to figure out if I want it, and where I'm going to store it if I am keeping it. 

Oh, and my butt hurts.  I apparently really felt the burn, squatting down at those CPR classes yesterday.  I was a little uncomfortable yesterday, but today I feel like I've been powerlifting.  It's just my butt, though. 

Pretty funny if someone catches me rubbing my butt tomorrow.  [snort]  I will probably tell everyone, anyway, though. 

I overshare. 

Saturday, January 30, 2016


Ron and I took a CPR class today.  I don't know why I'm so profoundly depressed. 

I didn't sleep well last night, got up at 5 AM, and got picked up at 7 to attend the training.  Ron came with me and left his mobility devices at home.  He just hung onto my arm, it was rough but he did it. 

The instructor arrived on time and had us watch some videos, then practice on the dummies.  He had everyone go first, and then Ron.  He had Ron and I practice the 2-rescuer technique.  We learned about the Heimlich maneuver, CPR on babies and small children (I don't see us using that any time soon), etc.  I had a hard time kneeling on the floor in my sandals.  If you have a CPR class, wear tennis shoes or something flexible. 

The class ran late which meant our ride left us.  After we paid and got our cards, Ron called a cab and we went home.  I had a short nap before #6's kids came out to play.  They are really loud when they get going. 

If Ron and I ever needed an apartment, I would do my best to get us a top floor so we wouldn't have to deal with issues like that.  That probably wouldn't work without an elevator, though. 

Oh, I'm so tired.  Just now, I yawned so widely I nearly swallowed my face.  I really hope/pray I can get a good quality of sleep tonight, although I am nowhere near as tired as I was when I was sick and barely catching 3 hours of sleep a night. 

Ron can sleep through just about anything.  Many times various neighbors have been in uproar and he's lying in bed snoring.  He snores, but that's not a big deal. 

I had a bedroom as a kid/teen that adjoined my parents bedroom.  Dad snores very loudly and I got used to it.  When I married Ron it was no big deal. 

He's snoring right now.  It's funny, actually, when they took him off the ventilator after his accident, he immediately began snoring.  Loudly.  In ICU.  I found that one interesting.  I never imagined a comatose patient would snore. 

We talked a little in class about Ron's story, just that he had been injured and CPR had saved his life.  We didn't get into the whole "testimony", though, there wasn't time and it didn't seem appropriate. 

We had 4 other students.  3 were healthcare providers and one had a business check for payment, so I'm not sure what she did.  I would have felt fine having any of the healthcare providers work on me or Ron. 

The instructor was a doctor.  He had a rather heavy accent, I could understand him but Ron had some trouble. 

At any rate, it's all done and we have our certification now.  I don't see us using it but it will satisfy the blind vendors, and is far more useful than anything else I could think of. 

The teacher did make a good point that we should carry a breathing mask to use on the patient, if we are serious about using CPR, because there are nasty diseases out there and you don't want to catch them.  Besides, I don't think anyone really wants to put their mouth on a stranger if they can avoid it.    That's a good point.  Someone I see regularly recently told me he has Hepatitis C, which I know is highly contagious and very nasty.  I'm not interested in adding another problem to my roster.   

I wasn't depressed before the class, or even my nap, but I sure am now.  I wish I understood why - but then again, I probably don't. 

Ron said he'd buy me dinner but I think I'll just order some pizza.  It will last me a couple days and I can get him the chicken he likes.  Then I can take my meds, and if anything will help my mood, it's that. 

My jeans are still baggy and my weight right at 222.  That's appreciably lower, at least 15 pounds, than it was before I got sick. 

I think I can keep it off, and lose more, as long as I don't gorge myself.  My appetite is better but still no where near 100%. 

I don't miss that. 

Friday, January 29, 2016

First Stop

Well, I bought another neck wallet.  No, it doesn't bother me, although I wasn't washing the lanyard and may have gotten an abscess due to that.  I got the infection right about the time I got my bladder infection, so it was easily solved with the antibiotic. 

Headaches have been, dare I say, better, but that could be because I was too sick for both the illness and a headache.  God is merciful that way. 

I think the worst headache I had lately was when I walked into the cinderblock wall at Walmart.  Oh, that hurt, but it hurt outside my skull, which was an interesting change of pace.  I was pretty tender for days. 

Today I got up at 2 AM for a soda delivery.  I didn't sleep very well, I think I was too warm on my heated mattress pad, but sometimes I get a chill when I'm sleeping so it's hard to guess. 

Anyway, I got up after a fitful sleep and took my shower.  I did my God Time later.  We went to work. 

I felt bad the driver made some noise out front when he picked us up at 3:30 AM,  but as it turns out, the kids next door had today off anyway.  The driver made backing up beeps, talked loudly in the driveway, etc. 

Why would you do that?  Not everyone is awake, when you are.  I try very hard to be sensitive to that but I can't control other people. 

We got to work, eventually, and to my delight we had my new favorite driver, who actually delivered at 6:30 AM.  "I'm going to make you my first stop" she told us.  "Because I know you (both) like an early delivery."  Praise God.  That is so huge. 

She thanked us for giving her a compliment on the last delivery.  I was happy to do it. 

If this works out, soda delivery day just got a whole lot easier.  We were done, on time, at 10. 

I had a problem with a snack machine, it wouldn't accept coins.  After some troubleshooting, I found a very sticky nickel (that would have been a good title) stuck in the coin acceptor.  I had to partly disassemble it to find it and remove it, then I had to clean it with some rubbing alcohol.  All done, it was accepting coins again and back to behaving beautifully.  It's one of our better "sellers" so it was important to get it fixed ASAP. 

Other than that, it was a pretty average day stocking, except a couple of people wanted change.  Apparently I am The Lady To See when you want change.  [sigh]  I guess I don't mind, as long as they are putting some of those dollars into the vending machine. 

I do find it funny when someone gives me a $20 and then orders me to give them a ten, a five, etc.  I tell them "If you want change, it's going to be $1 bills because that's all I have.  If you want anything else you need to go to the credit union."  They always take the $1 bills.  Truth is, a $1 bill is the easiest thing to spend, anyway, so I don't see a problem.  Plus it is not in my job description to do this anyway.  It's a favor.  I'm not walking around with a cash drawer. 

We left, our ride was late, and had a Burger King takeout bag.  I mentioned it to Ron when he asked if she was hungry, and she was embarrassed.  I guess she figured she could get takeout since she was "only" taking us home.  Then she spent forever at a gas station.  "I guess" I told Ron "Burger King didn't agree."  She walked out with more food, after 15 minutes, and I had a hard time keeping from rolling my eyes. 

It is my understanding they are paid based on on-time performance.  I don't see how she could get away with that. 

We got home and I got a short nap before the kids started making racket next door.  I did my God Time and then we ran some errands, we got some food, Ron got some liquor (I didn't help), and we got some extra tickets for paratransit. 

They are instituting a new policy, which I've mentioned, if you go "out of area" they will now charge you two tickets, even if you have a pass.  So, if we even think we might want to go somewhere, we'd better get some tickets. 

Here's a good example:  We live, shop, and work within the green area.  We do go to a few places in the "yellow" (premium) area, but overall we are "green" which means we "ride for free" on Ron's yearly pass.  We still got some tickets just to be safe, though. 

Besides, for now tickets are $19 for 20.  In a couple of days they will be $25 for the same amount.  Smart to get it now. 

We did all that and came home.  Ron carefully brought in his bottles of alcohol, resting on his walker.  It was a little eeky watching him bring it over the threshold, it looked like they would fall, but if they do it's his problem, not mine. 

It is NOT my job to help Ron drink.  Ever.  And I won't. 

Tomorrow we do the CPR class to satisfy our "training" requirement to the blind vendors program.  The boss was fine with that.  And, I think it will actually prove to be a useful skill.  We have a lot of overweight to obese, middle aged, diabetic men sitting around in the lunchroom every day.  One day we may need those skills. 

Or I could have a problem, God knows I have a family history of heart trouble.  Ron has a family history of strokes, one of his cousins just died of complications from one. 

I try to think about the worst case. 

Ron's asking a question about hot dogs.  I'll post tomorrow! 

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

God using me

Last night I had a series of worst case scenario nightmares, all featuring Bad Things happening to Ron.  It was exhausting.  I feel like I need another 8 hours. 

"Why is it" I said on Facebook "I will tell anyone about the hallucinations and mood swings, but hide the anxiety like a porn addiction?"  Good question. 

Maybe it's just living with Ron.  He has some kind of depressive disorder.  No one is that negative all the time, that depressed, without a brain chemistry issue at play.  I dearly wish I could get him diagnosed and medicated, not so he would "shut up" but because I don't like to see anyone suffer, much less my husband. 

The cats are good, Biscuit greeted me when I woke up this morning, smelling my nose and meowing cutely.  When I got up I gave him his can of food.  My vet will be so happy, she wants them on canned food. 

Of course, if you've ever read the label on a can of cat food, you'd doubt the wisdom of that!  "You want me to feed him that?"  And I feed a good brand (Fancy Feast). 

We have today off.  I need to buy some things online for the business, and Ron wants to buy a HD antenna.  His goal is to buy inexpensive small TV's and pair them with the antennas, then fire the cable company.  I'm all for saving money. 

"I'm not married" I told him "To any one program".  That's true.  I'd miss my internet far more than I'd miss my cable. 

I only regret I'll have to give up my old, low-def, TV.  I get very attached to things.  That's a mixed blessing, but I'm very fond of it.  We've had many good hours watching shows together. 

I also worry if I'll have the brains to set the things up.  Things are different, medicated.  Having just had paranoid fantasies of job hunting after Ron's death, fantasies running for hours, I'll stop there.  I wouldn't want to scare an employer. 

Needless to say, I wouldn't aim for "top of the class" type jobs.  I would go for basic service jobs and maybe some part time accounting assistant work.  After all, I do help Ron with the accounting.  I'm good at that. 

I also think I'd make a good caregiver. 

Anyway, hopefully this will work.  I am fine with the changes.  I'm the one who got Ron to kill the landline phone, years ago, and he's never missed it. 

Yesterday Ron forgot his phone and was beating himself viciously all day long.  I'm glad, I told him, you forgot it and not me.  I'd hate to have that pointed at me all day.  He has, on occasion.

It was simple to fix, I called Sandwich Guy and told him to call me, then confirmed the delivery time.  Later on, I called paratransit and confirmed our pickup time.  Everyone was very nice and probably a little curious to hear what I sounded like.  Ron spends a lot of time on the phone with paratransit. 

That was all.  No big deal, to me, but Ron found it a major issue and kept telling me how he was going to fix it. 

Funny fact, he made a big point - does every day - of reminding me to make sure I had my keys, badge, and phone. 

I carry a huge ring of keys that reminds me of some kind of warden.  I wear my phone in a belt holster, and the badge goes in a neck wallet.  I wear everything, basically.  It works for me. 

I have found the simple methods work best.  If it's on me, I can't forget it. 

I also carry my bus pass in the wallet, I have about a $20 credit on it, which, with my discount, is probably a month of service.  Ron once got very ugly and refused to take me home, and I had to beg him for bus fare.  That's not the kind of thing you forget.  I won't put myself in that position again, ever.  Funny thing, though, they rode him around and I got home before he did.  He was pretty irked. 

God does have a sense of humor, let me tell you.  :) 

So, if I know he has tendencies, I can work to protect myself.  Should do that. 

I have some issues with the Bible at times, it tells me to submit to Ron as a spiritual leader, but he's not.  He is very negative and calls my faith "a waste of time".  Clearly, if I went along with that, I would hurt myself.  I prayed about it and God told me to treat him as the "unbelieving husband".  If he wants to live with me, do it, and if we separate don't remarry.  Ron won't be throwing me out so it's my job to protect myself from abuse, guard my faith as a valuable asset, and try to have a good witness. 

Like at work, the other day.  I didn't shout back and call him names.  I just walked away.  People saw that.  They know what they would do in that situation.  People know I am a woman of faith, after Ron's accident ALL I wanted was prayer. 

Hopefully, I make a small impact.  If I do, it's just God using me. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

Slept like a baby

"I slept like a baby" I told Ron "'Up every two hours".  Ugh.  I blame the caffeine laden headache pills. 

I dragged my butt out of bed half an hour before our pickup and did the bare essentials.  We went to work.  I did what I'd come to do. 

However, it was easier.  This time, they delivered our sandwiches in a box, instead of on a rack.  The rack is very bulky and inconvenient, and hit Ron in the head last week (it fell).  This time, I could stock and simply throw the box away.  So.  Much.  Better. 

I do think we need to cut the order back.  We have an awful lot of sandwiches. 

I drank a fair amount of caffeine but it didn't seem to affect me much. 

After work (Ron wasn't abusive, but he was very gloomy and negative, has been, all day), we went to Walmart. 

Going to the work, we had a "shared ride" of over an hour transit.  Going to Walmart, same thing.  We discussed the fare change policy and I said "Basically, all the nice neighborhoods will cost you two tickets ($2.50), all the ghetto you can ride with your pass or one ticket."  The driver got that. 

The company has issued brochures, clearly explaining the policy.  If your location is on or near a bus line, you spend one ticket or use your pass.  If it is not, then you have to use two tickets.  There's a guy at work who rides, and I know for a fact he is out of the area, so he will be paying $5 a day to go to and from work.  I'm sure it's going to be a big shock for him when it happens. 

They're just trying to keep their heads above water.  They cover a huge area, more than they have to, and their expenses are not totally covered by the government.  Not to mention, they have a lot of people riding, who in my opinion, don't deserve to. 

The rule is, if you cannot ride the bus, you get the service.  Ron cannot ride the bus by himself.  However, I see many people with minor issues riding because it's "cheaper than driving". 

I don't deserve, and don't get, service, because I can ride the bus by myself.  I can walk to the bus stop, board, disembark, and transfer as needed.  I can go pretty much anywhere in the Metro Houston area.  I can't go places like Cypress or far NW, but as of yet I haven't really seen a need to. 

I make enough now that I could call the rare "short trip" cab if needed, like when I was sick and went to the doctor.  I really did not want to go on the bus in the freezing cold, taking two buses and waiting on a transfer, if I could just reach in "my" pocket (Ron paid for the cab) instead.  So, I did that, and I don't regret it.  In my opinion, money well spent. 

People can't imagine how I live without a car, but I have my eye on the long road.  Ron will die eventually.  I will lose paratransit riding as his caregiver (and I help him a lot so I feel OK about that).  I need to live on an active bus line.  My current line runs nearly 20 hours a day.  That can encompass pretty much any job, should the need arise. 

When I was a teenager my grandmother, widowed at a young age (by the time she was my age), told me to always have a backup plan to support myself, not to rely on my husband only as a sole support.  She really emphasized that. 

Of course going to work for Ron kind of shot that in the head, my current skills are caregiving and vending, if someone else provides transportation, and they won't.  However, I could go work for the bus company doing customer service.  Or retail, if it paid well enough.  Aldi seems to treat it's people pretty well. 

But I'm never going to drive.  My mother fried that part of my brain and I have to live with that.  It's actually a lot easier for me having this congenitally - from birth - rather than "she got in a wreck when I was 28 and gave me a head injury, rendering me unable to drive".  That would have been horrific to have the freedom and mobility, only to lose it because of her carelessness. 

If that's you, you have my sympathy.  It's a lot harder to walk that road than the one I have. 

Ron feels the same way about being blind.  In fact, if you ask him, the hearing loss is the worst thing.  It seems to be worse lately, I find I have to shout at him sometimes "DO YOU WANT A TACO?" just to be heard.  Second worst would be the right-side paralysis he has as a result of the accident, then his back, and the neuropathy. 

I can see why he is so negative at times.  It must be really hard to have all those physical problems and no remedy. 

He did opt out of a trip to the liquor store today, which made me smile.  He chose to do that on his own, without my input. 

I just hope, when he goes, he chooses "mild" beverages instead of the stuff that makes his colon bleed.  I really don't want to see bloody tissues in the bathroom trash can unless I'm having my period!  [grin]

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Mold Killer

I'm finally getting a little manic.  I cleaned out the laundry room and finally decided to attack "The problem" in the bathroom. 

While Ron is pretty lavish with the heating, he is very stingy when it comes to air conditioning.  I don't care, I like it warm anyway.  Today it was 60 degrees out and one of our drivers had the air conditioning on!  Brr! 

Anyway, he was obsessed with the bathroom.  We get a lot of east sun through the bathroom window.  It is one of the few windows not blocked by any trees or shrubbery.  Ron had a couple of solutions: he put roll down blinds on the outside of the window, but they blew off in the hurricane. 

Then he decided to close the bathroom door, the minute I finished my shower, so we had 100% humidity in the heat and confinement.  You can imagine the results, icky black mold on the ceiling above the tub.  I  tried to tell him, he wouldn't listen. 

We had a mold issue in CA due to bad plumbing upstairs, and it was horrific, multicolored layers of slime.  I tried to clean it myself but got sick every time, and we had a slumlord to boot.  As a result, I didn't have much hope of resolving my problem. 

Until I found the "mold killing primer" at Walmart.   Wait a minute, they make mold killing paint?  Awesome. 

I did some research and found it worked exactly as claimed.  I was all set to buy some, but Walmart had stopped carrying it.  [bad word] 

I told Ron I wanted to go to Home Depot to buy some supplies, and not only did he arrange the trip, he offered to pay for everything.  I confided my fears about even sharing this online, but he reminded me "We're not selling the house" and I would disclose it anyway "I had a little problem... but I fixed it". 

While there, we got a couple different items, a gallon of the paint (yes, overkill, but I want to do to the whole ceiling just to be certain, all 45 square feet of it!), and a couple of hand held spray bottles. 

I tried a couple of them out.  This one actually takes the mold and the stain:  I was impressed.  I plan to use it on the affected area. 

Ron and I talked some more, and we agree it would be smart to buy a ventilation fan (we're a little slow), we can have our electrician friend install it - and a ladder so I can do the painting easily.  That's a big load off my mind. 

It's really depressing to literally have mold hanging over my head every time I take a shower.  Or bath. 

I came home and did some research, finding a good vent fan with excellent reviews and a reasonable price tag.  The one I originally liked only had 2 stars and was "as noisy as an airport".  Huh. 

I woke with a migraine, the OTC stuff worked, but needless to say all the caffeine did not lend itself to a nap when I got home.  I still feel pretty wound up and I took my last dose at 9-10 AM. 

It's after 5 PM right now. 

So, I would call that a good day.  The laundry room looks great - I finished it.  It is what I'd say 90% done.  I still have a laundry basket full of stuff, and clean laundry on the dryer, but I'm not walking on old clothes and junk when I go in there anymore.  It really came out of Hoarders before, pretty bad. 

Not anymore.  Glad I got that done. 

Ron will also look into getting the "outside" blinds, have that installed, and then the vent fan.  Then I will use the paint.  In the meantime, as I have the energy, I will use my mold killing stain remover miracle spray to eliminate "my little problem". 

It's almost like getting a bad tooth fixed. 

I will be using eye protection, N95 mask, gloves, and some kind of hair covering for both the cleaning and the painting. 

The cats are good.  Biscuit has been adorable, Torbie got in my lap twice, Gravy licked my hand, and Baby Girl let me pet her. 

I'm running a load of laundry right now, mostly Ron's.  When it's done I'll put it over a chair in his bedroom, he hangs it up himself.  That's what he gets for complaining I woke him up, opening his closet.  I have a big bag of laundry room trash to "can" and I'm waiting on that. 

I probably haven't told you, we are all ground floor here, house about 900 square feet.  Windows, most of them, don't have screens, but not a big deal unless we have a power outage in the summer.  Which has been very rare. 

Anyway, we put the trash cans outside Ron's window, so we just open the window and throw the trash away.  It's very handy.  But I can't do it when he's sleeping. 

He got another blister abusing his back massager, placing it on his legs to deal with neuropathy pain.  I am treating it with peroxide and some spray disinfectant.  He's using the massager again but on a different leg. 

I don't judge because I don't have neuropathy, praise God. 

Ron has NOT been a creep today, so I will take that as a gift.  I got plenty of sleep last night and the night before.  Even better.  I took my medication so my mood will be balanced, but I still have enough mania to want to do some spring cleaning. 

If you could see my house, you'd know I need all the help I can get with the cleaning thing, so that's a gift too.  Plus my parents are coming to visit in a couple weeks and I'd like the house to be somewhat presentable. 

A busy day, but a good one. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Lovely, and sad.

Yesterday was a long, exhausting, and depressing day.  I woke up early, went to work, did heavy manual labor organizing and clearing my carts.  I have very limited storage, and store a lot of bottled drinks on the carts.  However, I desperately needed more snack inventory so I had to clear the carts, so I could use them, to bring more inventory into the building, so I could stock. 

The apex of that was Ron and the water.  I had brought him some water on a cart, it looked like he needed 3 cases.  He made a big point, of yelling at me in front of the customers, how I was "stupid" "a bad helper" and such because he needed 4 cases. 

I finally walked off, making "yak yak" motions with my hand and shaking my head.  This, unfortunately, is pretty common with Ron at work.  He is verbally abusive - from rude to downright filthy.  Up to this point, no one has said anything or even made a comment, but yesterday one guy exclaimed "Oh wow." during the height of Ron's ravings. 

Ron waited until well past the last minute to leave and I had to chase him out of the building.  A customer chased me down.  I told her I had to leave. 

"This won't take a minute.  I want you to know you are appreciated.  We know you bust your butt for us every day and we really appreciate it.  You bust your butt, you help him a lot, you're a hard worker, and you remember we appreciate you." 

I was shocked.  I guess she had heard the tirade. 

She's the first person who ever bothered to say something to me.  It's lovely, and tragic, all at the same time.  15 years of him shouting at me at work.  Finally someone has something nice to say. 

Normally I just get complaints. 

I didn't tell Ron, and won't. 

He doesn't see what he does as wrong and there is no way I can convince him.  God will have to work on him with that. 

Happily I got a little encouragement.  We went to the store.  I got my supplies, a teetering stack of potato chips higher than my head, and a lot of other products.  We came back to work. 

I unloaded the truck onto my empty carts and brought everything into the building, then I stocked my tragic, empty, machines. 

I don't think we can take 2 days in a row anymore. 

I got my end done, except for pastries.  I ran out of time on that. 

Ron did all his stuff, it seemed to take a lot longer than usual.  I don't know why.  Maybe because he had more time.  We came home.  I went to bed early. 

I slept late, for me, 7:30.  I thought it was at least nine or so. 

I got up and did my God Time, then Ron and I decided to run some errands on the bus.  It took Ron forever to get ready. 

I was quite annoyed to find out he has lost both his coats.  He must have carried it onto paratransit, set it on the seat, and gotten out, leaving it behind.  It's frustrating.  Just wear the coat, or leave it at home.  Don't drag it around and then complain you lost it. 

It makes me annoyed because I do so much picking up after him already, now I have to check the backseat every time he gets out and make sure he isn't leaving something.   That's something the driver should do, anyway.  890pooooo  Biscuit says hello. 

I get a lot of cat hair in my keyboard. 

Ron's wheelchair has also been damaged, by lazy drivers who hook the securement into the grip on the wheel, and not the frame as they should.  Now I've got a whole part about to fall off the wheelchair. 

Ron just called me "mindless" as regards my faith.  Now, I let other people make conclusions.  I've had a hard time lately, Ron's negativity is like acid, eating away.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water.  It's ironic because he told me once he wouldn't date me unless I had a faith in God. 

He's had three drinks just in the last hour.  I hope it's a quiet night.. 

Thursday, January 21, 2016


When I was a young teen, I was placed on an antidepressant.  Like a lot of other young teens, I felt I was "fat" at 115 pounds (67 inches tall), and talked about "dieting". 

Well, the antidepressant had an interesting side effect: anorexia, a lack of appetite.  Of course my therapists felt I was anorexic, the eating disorder.  I wasn't.  I just wasn't hungry.  Even when I was hungry, I wasn't hungry, it's hard to explain.  Hungry, I felt as though I'd already eaten a large meal. 

This persisted for years, until the antidepressant was discontinued.  It didn't work that well, anyway. 

Well, I seem to have a paradigm shift in my side effects, because it's back: anorexia.  I find myself forcing myself to eat, gagging down an energy bar, or a modest portion of salad with a serving of protein, at dinner time. 

Results are impressive, I've lost about 15 pounds in less than a month.  Will this last, I don't know. 

I was a little worried, because I know lack of appetite can signify serious problems, especially when paired with significant weight loss.  What to do? 

I looked it up, and sure enough, "anorexia" is listed as a side effect in 75% of my medication side effects.  Huh.  Explains a lot. 

Why now?  I wasn't that sick, I don't think.  I'm not complaining.  "I feel like" I told Ron "I had a gastric bypass".  I just don't enjoy eating.  I gag it down because I have to, because I need it to take my medication and I need fuel for my body.  I need building blocks to build immunity and such.

It's just odd.  I've gone from snacking and hunger all the time, to satiety and weight loss.  Very odd.  I am making a point to put healthy things in my mouth and eat "balanced" - very reduced carbs, plenty of lean protein, and lots of salad.  Well, lots for me, maybe 3 cups a day? 

I eat it with an olive oil and vinegar dressing, that seemed pretty close to natural.  I can certainly sidestep chemicals. 

Of course I feel like a total whore writing this as I make my living in junk food. 

Ron had a good birthday today.  We woke up, I did my God time and shower, went to the mall, and got him his favorite takeout.  I had Chik-fil-a, a grilled sandwich with cheese and bacon.  It was very juicy and good. 

I actually enjoyed eating that

We came home and I had a pretty good nap. Biscuit joined me in bed.  Interestingly enough, Biscuit and Gravy don't like people food, except for one thing: cheese sticks.  They adore them.  They bite and lick the sticks as I hold them in my hand.  So, I bite off a little segment and offer it to them.  They eat that off to the side, leaving the rest of my cheese stick unmolested. 

Just a little glimpse at my life. 

Ron didn't want a cake.  He didn't want to go out to dinner.  He just wanted some takeout, which we got. 

He slept a lot and drank a little, I'm sure, but he was quiet. 

He did carry on a lot about my weight which I found odd, considering I have lost a lot.  My clothing size is pretty much the same but that's OK, I just want to get the weight off my systems and joints. 

That can only be a good thing. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Hits and misses

Yesterday was a long day, we went to the warehouse, got the supplies, brought them to work, and a whole lot of stocking.  By the time I got home, I was pretty tired. 

I had enough energy to do my God Time, or blog, so I did God Time. 

I went to bed, so glad I had today off. 

Today I went to Walmart.  Well, I got up, took my shower, got dressed, took my antibiotic, drank some diet iced tea because I can't have my soda with the antibiotic, and went to Walmart. 

Ron wanted a lot of snack foods, but my appetite is still absent.  I took my meds tonight with one slice of pizza.  Normally I eat 2 or 3.  I have found I can take my lithium on less food than previi144444444444  (Biscuit says hello). 

I can take my lithium on less food than I previously thought.  I did forget to eat my salad tonight. 

Anyway, I got some healthier foods, high protein, lower carbs.  I did get a bag of potato chips and did eat some, but they didn't taste very good to my palate. 

Now, being sick, I had some hits and misses on what actually worked for me:
1.  Antihistamine: made me manic.
2.  Decongestant: made me manic.  That ruled out pretty much EVERY OTC remedy. 

3.  12 hour mucus relief with cough suppressant, worked.  So well, in fact, I was literally counting the minutes to the next dose. 
4.  Breathe-right strips.  "Open nasal passages".  To my surprise, they actually did, enough that I bought another box today.  I got a really good deal on some more today with a coupon I had from the first box.  Coupon $1 off.  Box had a 10 count free in addition to the 26.  So, I got them for about half off cost per unit.  And, like I said, they work.  They ride a little odd with my glasses so I just use them at night when my glasses are on the nightstand. 
5.  Generic tissues with lotion.  A lot better than the paper towels and hankies I was "blowing" on. 
6.  Generic cough drops, sugarfree.  Although I didn't use these during periods of high coughing due to an incident where I nearly choked. 

Plus, of course the medical items: a steroid shot, and a course of antibiotics (nearly finished, now).  [sigh]  I really hope I'm done with being sick for a while now. 

Although this happened in 2009; I was sick, had an assortment of various issues, and finally had a run of good health lasting several years.  Well, except for the odd migraine. 

I'd even take a migraine if it meant I'd be "done" for a while.  That's one reason I'm really trying to increase the quality of my food.  I can control that; I can't control much else. 

Oh, and how we all love to feel powerless. 

Monday, January 18, 2016

High quality fuel

Yesterday, Baby Girl camped out on my computer chair.  I didn't have the heart to move her and didn't even get online. 

Today, I had to get up at 4 AM and go to work, but at least I slept pretty well.  A little too well, in fact, I had a heck of a time getting up. 

It's going to be in the 30's tonight and two of my, three of my neighbors, have mowed their yards today. 

Today's Biscuit and Gravy's birthday.  It is funny to watch the progression, over days, from "I don't want them" to "I guess we're keeping them".  I plan to give them an extra can of cat food to celebrate. 

Work was OK but our inventory levels are low.  I think Ron hasn't wanted to "make" me do a big supply run when I'm sick.  But, we need it, and I am feeling better.  Not great, but better. 

Still no real appetite.  I did pizza for dinner so Ron had something hot and fresh.  I was bad and did not eat my customary salad.  Maybe I can have it tomorrow with breakfast.  I am trying to put high-quality fuel into my body. 

Torbie is making a lot of racket, she got into a paper bag and is rustling around.  My cats tend not to like the actual cat toys, they like strings, paper bags, and things out in the yard.  Since I am allergic, I try not to hug them or pet them too much until I'm better - it would just get my sinuses mad. 

I plan to go to bed early tonight.  My mood has been OK (!) which is another indicator I'm sick.  I'm just tired but then I always am. 

At least I'm sleeping better, now. 

Saturday, January 16, 2016

When I get depressed and hungry

Yesterday was a long day.  I had to get up at 2.  The night before, Ron, upset about various things, decided to get drunk and make a lot of noise, so I didn't fall asleep until probably 9. 

The next day, he was shocked to hear he hadn't been quiet.  I thought it was a pretty cheap shot to take at a sick person who needed her sleep.  I know it wasn't intentional, but as he was drinking, he kept telling me "I might have a problem, make a video".  I told him the next day it isn't my job to make a video, it is his job to be responsible so I don't have problems. 

Anyway, the only good thing I could see: I had a couple of hours to drink my diet caffeinated sodas before I came up on Antibiotic Time.  I can't have sodas around that, they could damage the penicillin. 

We went to work and I did what I could.  They sent out soda delivery to Crosby and it took a while to get it back.  Then, some of the cases were damaged, but we got the rest and put it away. 

We finally left around 10 and went home.  I managed to get a nap.  Ron had wanted to get some takeout, but changed his mind later. 

About the time I had planned to go to bed, my breathe-right nasal strip firmly attached, my medication taken, my nose irrigated, vitamins taken... one of the neighbors decided to play loud music.  It wasn't as loud as it could have been but it was persistent.  Ron, I think, called the police and had that corrected. 

It is a quiet neighborhood.  If you're looking for a place where everyone's playing their loud polkas every Friday night, this is not the place, you'd be better off looking off Airline Drive.  But if you want peace and quiet at 8 PM most every night, we're it. 

I fell asleep and slept late.  waking up at 7:30.  tfgrr (Biscuit is helping). 

I got up and did my God time (did it yesterday, too), ate a decent breakfast, and took my medication.  I was very careful to take it with iced tea and not soda. 

I'm less congested, but I'm still draining and coughing.  I haven't seen any green/yellow crud lately, so that's good.  I believe the infection is clearing up, it's just taking a while. 

I've been eating a big salad every night with dinner in the hopes of improving my nutrition.  Offhand, that was the one single thing I felt would do the most good.  [cough cough]  But I didn't get this run-down overnight, and I won't get better overnight either. 

I just need to be patient.  Boy, I have really taken my health for granted. 

It's interesting, though, when I am physically sick a couple of things happen: 1.  I lose my appetite (still have none) and 2.  My mood goes average (pretty much still).  When I'm better, I get depressed and hungry. 

I'll be glad, I guess, when that happens. 

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Awfully tired

I slept better last night and had some dreams, always a good sign my body is healing. 

I got up around 7, did my God Time, and showered.  I ate and took my medication, all of it, and did not have a soda while I did so.  I opted for instant iced tea with stevia. 

I really am down about 10 pounds from a couple weeks ago.  My clothes fit the same, I think some of it is my glycogen stores, but still, not bad. 

I'm still coughing and blowing my nose, that's not going to resolve overnight, but praise God at least I'm getting some sleep.  I started using breathe-right strips at night and that seems to help. 

Ron had been telling me I had to go to the doctor for "an immune shot".  Of course that doesn't exist, but the steroids seem to be doing a pretty good job. 

My left ear gets a little clogged now and then but I've been able to clear it swallowing, yawning, etc. 

I'm debating what to do tonight.  I need to go to bed early, and I need to take my cough suppressant at 8 PM.  So, either I go to bed "on time" and wake up to take it, or I just stay up.  I haven't decided. 

We went to Walmart, Ron wanted to buy me a vaporizer and I "let" him.  It sure isn't hurting.  I got some other items as well, but not much.  Mainly tissues, etc. 

*- - Gravy jumped up to say hello, and give me a lick.  His love language is grooming.  Biscuit is more of a "rub up against me while purring loudly" cat.  Torbie just climbs into my lap.  Baby Girl meows at us, and tolerates petting. 

They each have their own personality. 

Happily, they are letting me sleep by myself (mostly).  We got home from Walmart and I put the stuff away, and took a nap for a couple of hours.  That way I'm at least partly covered if the neighbors have their "gathering" tonight.  They tend to have erratic church gatherings, often when we have a delivery the next day, and we do. 

At any rate, nothing we can do about it. 

Ron's listening to "Devil Woman" singing along and laughing.  I wonder if he's thinking of me. 

Huh, that's a funny thought.  What if Ron's parents had been able to afford to send him to Catholic school?  Assuming he weren't blind.  I don't think private schools really "do" disabilities like that. 

He probably would have been more himself than he already is. 

So, I just wait an hour or so, eat, take my meds... not much of an appetite, being sick and on steroids, but I see that as a good thing.  A lot of people would pay good money for this. 

That's it for today.  I'm still awfully tired. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016


Well, I actually got some sleep last night. 

Boy, it's amazing what a difference that will make.  I whine about missing a nap - nearly a week of minimal sleep taught me a real lesson on that. 

I think the steroids make a huge difference.  My poor sinus cavities were so swollen and miserable. 

We got up, went to work, stocked, did some banking, got Burger King, and came home.  I just got some nuggets.  Yeah, the sauce has corn syrup but not enough to significantly impair my immunity.  50 grams is the operative word on that, per my Encyclopedia of Natural Medicine. 

It is awful to be hungry, with no appetite.  It reminds me of when I took Prozac.  I felt the same way for years.  Nothing worse than hungry, gagging down food, but I don't want to eat.  Been doing a lot of that, lately. 

I still eagerly await 8 o'clock, twice a day, so I can take my "mucus and cough suppressant" medication.  It has a 12 hour life. 

I was a little sharp with Ron at work, at one point I made a mistake and he asked me "What is wrong with you".  I leaned in and turned my sarcasm to "high".  "I'm sick?  I haven't slept in a week?"  He rolled off. 

Later on, boarding paratransit with some change in a jar, he wanted to do this complicated maneuver.  "Just get in" I told him (apparently in a nasty tone because the driver kept going on about it) "and I'll hand it to you."  The driver kept repeating that "Just get in". 

In the course of our trip, I told her, within 1 month I have 1.  Sprained my finger.  2.  Bladder infection and 3. Sinus infection, working the whole time.  She changed her tune pretty fast after that.  Maybe I was just exhausted, not an abusive "meanie" caregiver after all. 

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not an excuse to crap on people, but I think Ron needs to be just a little accommodating.  Overall he is doing pretty well.  He happily paid for the doctor, both times.  He went along with lowering the thermostat so the hot forced air doesn't dry me out and make me cough. 

But no, I don't want to do truck day tomorrow.  For one, we still have plenty of Coke products.  Two, we have a lot of inventory already.  Three, if I have a lot of inventory on the carts I have to remove it before I get the new stuff, then I have to find a place to put it when I bring the new stuff back.  I think we need one more day of stocking before we can really do that. 

We got everything done, happily.  I did my God Time after we got home and I took a nap (!!).  I'm liking the heated mattress pad. 

One interesting thing I learned from my pill book, if you are taking penicillin, you have to be careful what you take it WITH.  Acidic drinks like soda (even diet!), lemonade, juices, will damage the drug and make it less effective. 

I had a little whoops this morning but I will be careful from now on.  I figure God knows I didn't mean to do it, and allowed enough to stick around and to the job. 

I'll just be so glad when I'm finally better.  I'm still blowing out green/yellow crap so hopefully all the crud in my nose is dying. 

It also confirms I did have a sinus infection.  I think I caught it from the cart attendant at Sam's Club who said "I get sick a lot". 

At any rate, I also got some salad.  Dark leafy greens, premixed, and some dressing.  Of course I got dressing all over my shirt last night but I will put a towel on when I'm eating tonight, or something. 

I figure half a hamburger and a salad ought to hold all my medication tonight  I'm trying to take my antibiotics and 6 and 6.  The other one goes 8 and 8. 

I'll just be glad when this is done! 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


I got some fitful sleep last night, and after my God time and shower this morning, caught a pretty good nap later. 

One secret: I made my bed with the heated mattress pad.  I can't abide very hot forced indoor air right now, but I don't want to freeze either.  The heated pad offers a good option.  The cats like it, too. 

The rest was just me, lying patiently in bed, thinking calming thoughts. 

I woke up with a mild frontal headache, which progressed.  I was also "blowing" out greenish-yellow crud, as I have he last couple days.  Great.  A sinus infection. 

I had Ron call doc and set up an appointment, then I took my nap.  I got a couple hours, 2-3 I think.  Not bad. 

Who knew sleep could be so hard to attain? 

So, I went to the doctor.  We (I took a cab) got stuck in traffic for nearly an hour.  Ugh.  The driver remarked I seemed very subdued, my aunt had remarked I sounded terrible last night. 

I saw doc pretty quick, for him.  He said I have a classic presentation.  Bacterial sinusitis.  He gave me steroids and a prescription antibiotic.  Like my other doc, he works with me to figure out what will work.  He also factors in the cost of the medication. 

Oh,  I'm tired.  Anyway, Doc seemed pretty convinced this would fix me up.  I sure hope so. 

I'm just ready to go to bed and sleep! 

Monday, January 11, 2016


Well, Ron gave me three days off, back to work on Sunday, lots of stocking and wiped out my inventory.  This morning, back to work, got a delivery, went to the warehouse, got a truckload of supplies, loaded, back to work, unloaded, onto carts, into the building, vending machines, and stockroom. 

At least it wasn't raining this time, unlike last week! 

Symptoms: mainly, miserably congested with a nasty postnasal drip cough.  My period finally finished.  I can only breathe through my mouth at night, which makes it difficult to sleep.  I am managing to catch some sleep in 1 and 2 hour increments, and it's apparently "enough" for now.  I have to lay still, patiently calming myself, before I can drop off. 

What can I take?  Well, not decongestants, and not for a couple of reasons.  1.  They contraindicate my medication.  2.  They don't really work.  3.  They make me manic. 

Remember the part about lying quietly in bed?  Yeah.  Impossible with a mania. 

Let me tell you, lying in bed quietly breathing through my mouth, managing the anxiety, is exhausting.  If anything's going to make me fall asleep... it's that. 

What can I take?  Well, so far my only contender has been the 12 hour guiafenesen with cough suppressant.  They don't sell the cough suppressant by itself, not that I could see, so I got that.  Clearly I can't take the Sudafed formulas.  It helps, appreciably, minimal side effects other than an odd taste and a very dry mouth and throat at times, but workable. 

And I can work, I'm not just lying there hacking up a lung.  I did some laundry and I'm being very careful about my diet, only eating high quality proteins, fats, and carbs. 

I just wish I weren't so tired and congested. 

Friday, January 8, 2016

4 hour pills

I didn't sleep too well last night, but I got a 3 hour nap and then a 4 hour.  I took it. 

This is my second day off, Ron says he is giving me three.  I'll take it. 

I got up, took my meds, took my shower, did my God Time.  Then we went to Walmart.  I felt really bad about it but I needed some medication. 

Ron opted to stay up front, away from me.  I couldn't blame him.  I sound pretty awful.  I have a horrible dry, hacking, cough, and a runny nose.  Coughing can involve gasping for air and it's not fun. 

I did take all my medication, though.  Happy about that. 

I got some combo medication, but the Sudafed in it makes me manic.  Not knowing that, I got some straight Sudafed... I can always give that to drivers when they complain of sinus troubles.  I got some 12 hour mucus pills with a cough suppressant - I'm pinning a lot of hopes on them.  Last night I had to wake up and take an additional dose of my 4-hour pills. 

Wouldn't that be great if we only got a cold for 4 hours?  Awesome. 

I only have one issue with Ron, who alternates between support and fear of contagion (I tell him he would have already got it by now): the heater.  He likes to run it very warm in here, upper 70's.  I'd love it to be in the 60's.  The hot, dry, air is very irritating but I don't want to freeze him, either.  I sneak the thermostat down if it gets unbearable. 

My aunt swears by Zicam, so I got some of that, too.  Ideally one takes it at the start of the cold, but hopefully it will also work late-stage.  If nothing else I'll have it for next time. 

I already had the 4 hour mucus pills on hand, from a viral sinus infection some time ago.  They cause a miserable hour of drainage and hacking, followed by clear passages and silence.  Hell of a tax.  That's why I hope the 12 hour stuff with the cough suppressant will help more. 

I also got cat food and stuff for Ron, so everyone's happy.  Biscuit eats a lot of canned food.  He's a little terrorist, he gets up on my desk and walks on the keyboard.  Fool that I am, I get up and give him a can, so to him, it's just making an order.  He was lying on the spacebar earlier, purring, some function window open in the background with script.  I checked, he ate everything I gave him earlier (rather, they did, the other cats eat the canned also), so he got another. 

The vet will be thrilled to hear about this.  She wants them on canned food.  It just took a while to find a family favorite. 

Biscuit also threw up on the floor, but it was easy enough to clean.  He just has trouble eating dry food.  I suspect that may be one reason he got dumped nearly a year ago. 

That's right, Rescue Day is coming up.  I plan to give them two cans of cat food, one for each boy, and a cut up cheese stick.  They love cheese sticks. 

Thursday, January 7, 2016


Still sick. 

Last night, the highlight would have had to be me, coughing, with a breath mint in my mouth.  Doc told me once, years ago, any "hard candy" will work as a "cough drop". 

Anyway, I got to coughing, wheezing, and inhaled the mint.  It got stuck in my esophagus, thank God.  Imagine if I'd inhaled it!  It eventually dissolved on it's own.  In the meantime I had to deal with a hard lump in my throat in addition to my other symptoms. 

Ron was very sympathetic.  I thought that was sweet.  I feel he fails me sometimes, and I know he feels the same, but he's been a good guy in this. 

Last night he told me he's scared I'm leaving him.  I told him I'm not (and I'm not), I just want some job protection in case something happens to him.  He said nothing would.  I didn't argue. 

When I got up, I contacted my aunt, who understandably was not interested in lunch with viral vector #1.  My cousin agreed.  This is the second time we had to reschedule due to my problems.  I don't see myself as having that kind of life, but I guess I do, sometimes. 

Ron gave me today and tomorrow off, so I've been taking the cold medicine I can handle (not much), trying to rest as much as possible, coughing, and blowing my nose a lot. 

I worry this thing will get up in my sinuses so I am taking some herbal measures as well.  Ugh. 

I suspect the antibiotics affected my resistance, normally I don't get colds.  When was the last time I got a cold?  I don't know, but half my cold medicine is expired.  We have various viruses going around, but no more than usual, I'd say. 

I had to take the antibiotics for the bladder infection.  THAT was not optional. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016


I'm going to complain a bit. 

Yesterday I woke up at 3 AM to get a delivery.  I had to do heavy manual labor, with a cold. 

I took a Benadryl (first generation antihistamine) because my symptoms include a runny nose, mild fever, and congestion.  I took it about 7 PM. 

I went to bed around 9, because the neighbors had one of their gatherings with the people in the yard singing and all.  They can't rent a hall?  Yesterday, when we were leaving, I counted 2 other neighbors also leaving at 4 AM.  Which means we all need to go to bed early.  Anyway. 

They left, I went to bed.  And I realized, my medication had backfired and made me manic.  I COULD NOT sleep.  I had to get up, I did my God Time, I read a book, but I could not sleep.  I started sneezing (another symptom) about the time I started getting tired, around 12.  My liver had cleared the antihistamine, I went to bed, and slept. 

But I had to get up at 7 today.  Now, it was very nice to sleep in until 7.  It was lovely.  Normally I'm getting up 4-5 AM.  Sometimes 2. 

We went to the warehouse, in the cold and rain.  I got our supplies, and had to load and unload in the cold and rain.  With a cold and not enough sleep.  And I started my period. 

Done complaining. 

Once we got to work I found denuded vending machines.  I got to work.  We had so much work we had to reschedule our ride to give us additional 2 hours. 

Ron, happily, didn't need much help.  We worked our asses off. 

I tell you, I know I am getting enough exertion.  My legs and back were tired. 

If I went to a gym I would be interested in doing that upper body workout where you move the ropes, drumming them, basically?  My triceps in particular are pretty flabby. 

I blew my nose repeatedly, into tissues (at home I use a hanky), tossed the tissue, and then washed my hands, every time.  I also covered my mouth the couple times I did sneeze, but I'm not too worried. 

I found 2 empty packets of cold & flu remedies near my vending machines, and heard plenty of people sniffling and coughing.  I have a lot of close contact with my customers, so it's inevitable.  Ron isn't sick yet so I assume he is immune to this. 

Oh, I'm tired.  I am really thinking about going to bed early tonight. 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Am I petty today?

I have a full blown head cold. 

When I was a kid, we had "head colds" and "chest colds" (bronchitis).  Neither went to a doctor, an attitude I support. 

If it's a virus, Doc can't do anything for it. 

Anyway, lying in bed at 4 AM, just TOO depressing to think about getting up, taking my shower, doing my God time.  I went back to sleep for another hour and hit the snooze a couple times. 

I think Biscuit was worried I wouldn't have time to feed him!  I did. 

We went to work.  Our soda delivery came around 8:30.  The Dock Expeditor was shouting at me to move the truck because "He needed it for express mail".  As it turns out, during the entire delivery the area remained clear.  He didn't need it at all.  If I were petty, I would say I hope the next vending machine rips him off. 

I haven't decided if I'm petty today. 

Anyway, I helped.  We got it all put up and then I helped Ron stock.  We have everything go in a sequence, so Ron knows, Diet Dr, regular Dr, Big Red, orange, etc.  He was stocking stuff before I had even put it all away. 

My cold had me uncomfortable but not miserable. 

A lot better than last week and that bladder infection! 

I try to stay positive, even when I'm depressed.  I slept pretty good, too, considering. 

We came home.  I do feel bad about my drivers, but for all I know, one of them gave this to me.  My only other option: riding the bus, and exposing even more people to my cold. 

I ate a small snack, shared my cheese with Biscuit and Gravy (they are cheese-heads), and went to bed for a couple hours.  I slept as long as I could, my immune (and yours) system is most active when I'm sleeping. 

I am trying to eat a lot of protein as well, and avoid sugar.  I don't have much of an appetite which is pretty standard for me, sick.

Ron and I went out for hamburgers last night.  I mentioned my possible entry into a CNA/Home health aide program.  He loved it. 

Good to know I will have his support, if he balks on accommodating the hours I need for school I won't be able to manage.   

Monday, January 4, 2016

The Ick

Tossing and turning all last night, unable to fall asleep.  I finally caught a few hours only to be awakened by my alarm, and a nasty sore throat.  Great.  The "ick" got me. 

The "ick" has been making the rounds here for about a month.  Sore throat, nasty cough, congestion, etc. 

I do not.  Need.  The.  Ick.  I just got over the bladder infection! 

I know some of it goes to mood, I've never read a study but I am sure my immunity's down when I'm depressed.  The good news, I have been taking antibiotics and all the herbal supplements I feel help.  So, not much to do on that account except add some whey (protein) for added immunity. 

I tend to run deficient in protein and iron, unless I make a special point of getting both. 

I just felt like: really?  I already had to get up early, now this. 

I did enjoy two cats in the bed last night.  They were very sweet.  Biscuit hogged the foot of the bed, and Torbie slept next to my pillow.  I love that so much. 

It seems only the very old cats (Frosty, Bubba, now Torbie) will do this, but I find it incredibly comforting and soothing.  I always have much better dreams, too. 

I took my shower and did my God Time later.  I dressed and we left for work.  We had a straight trip. 

I didn't have a lot of stocking to do, but I did what I could.  Our primary goal was the soda delivery.  I waited for hours. 

Imagine how I felt when I found out Ron screwed up making the order (I'd say it's about half his fault, half the company), and we would have to go in tomorrow.  Already exhausted, I was facing another bad night's sleep.  My throat hurt.  I was tired, and Not Happy. 

I corked it.  It wouldn't do any good to unload all over Ron, who was busy shouting into the sales rep's voicemail. 

Ron had put the ride on hold, so he took it off and we got home an hour before we would have (had we not done this).  So, I did get that.  And I got a 3 hour nap before the kids next door decided to play right outside my bedroom. 

Another accomplishment, you know when you suddenly encounter someone, and you have an automatic reaction?  It just comes out? 

For a very long time, I presented a lot of hostility (understandable) toward the man who ran over Ron.  Today, I bumped into him while getting a repairman and greeted him with honest delight.  I was so happy about that. 

I've gone from wanting to commit felonies against him, to feeling friendly.  All in all, he's the other victim in the accident. 

The anniversary for that rascal is coming up in a few days.  It's always an odd day for me.  Ron doesn't care, I think because he was unconscious during the worst of it, and head-injury-demented for months afterward.  By the time he came back to himself, things were pretty fine. 

Well, as fine as they get around here. 

Sunday, January 3, 2016

In the mix

If we hadn't gone to work, the machines would have been empty, 3 of them would have been out of order too, and we would have had to throw out a lot of sandwiches tomorrow. 

Ron gave me a hard time about "wanting" to go to work today, but I told him "We need to at least look".  I also told him we needed at least a couple hours to manage things if we did have business (that worked well, seriously). 

I got up at 5 AM.  I got a decent amount of sleep but I kept waking up to pee.  I'm a little tired of that. 

My hands stopped shaking, mostly, but did act up when I was working on the vending machines. 

I got my shower and my God Time, feeling pretty good. 

We went to work, the machines were as I said.  I got to work.  Two vending machines ate a dollar bill - I don't know why people put limp, wrinkled, bills into the vending machine.  They just lose the dollar, don't get anything, and shut the machine down for everyone else.  The third machine had a coin jam.  I was baffled because I couldn't find it, but the unit and the computer were both telling me I had one.  I finally opened it up at the top, where it "never" jams, and sure enough the coins fell through.  Glad that was a quick fix.  Not ashamed to say I prayed over that one, and that's where my hands were shaking, too. 

I was busy stocking my items, Ron was demanding.  He didn't curse me out, but I just felt an overall attitude of extreme disrespect. 

He's so negative, and toxic.  I get he may not be very appreciative; but alternately, you don't shout at me all day, make an appreciative comment, and cancel out all the abuse. 

I don't know what he needs but I know I'm not the one who can fix him.  He has to hear what God has to say to him.  Until he reaches that point, he can't do anything. 

I just have to try to protect myself, which means tuning him out, a lot.  Then he wonders why I "never listen" and "am busy all the time". 

It's a mess only God can fix.  We have to get up early tomorrow (2 AM) for a soda delivery, I get to put it away, and do everything I did today all over again. 

If I had known Ron would become an alcoholic I never would have married him.  I never would have quit my career to work for him. 

I am now considering getting some vocational training as a CNA (nurse aide) or Home Health Aide ("Helper") just so I have a backup.  I feel a need to ensure I can support myself. 

I've been out of the office/accounting game for so long I doubt I could get back.  Food service = atrocious hours and no real pay unless you have a degree, and I don't have time for that. 

However, as my Facebook proves every day, people need help with their aging and disabled loved ones.  THAT, I know.  I have seen enough "helpers" riding Metrolift to know they aren't required to drive, either. 

Of course I will be praying on it but it's in the mix. 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

I won't

I slept pretty good last night, considering I woke up a couple times to pee. 

I'm getting there. 

I got up, did my shower and God Time.  The rest of the day was pretty horrific. 

Ron spent most of the day shouting at me, accusing me of "trying to be perfect" etc.  Have I ever come off that way here?  If anything, this whole blog is about exploring my imperfections.  I was thinking today what a bad idea it was to put all the bills in Ron's name.  He did it, I didn't, but now if I ever need to move out I have a blank slate, not a good thing creditwise (except for an old hospital bill I did pay over a course of years). 

We went to Walmart, then we went home.  He only wanted an hour instead of 1:45 the paratransit company had "gifted" us, so he called someone, and paid them, to make it an hour by picking us up and driving us home.  I had told him I was fine with the longer period of time, in fact I prefer to have more time, but Ron only wants to spend an hour at Walmart, so that's all we do, because he controls transportation.  Then he shouted at me for "deceiving" him. How could he hear me, he was so busy having a tantrum he couldn't hear anything I said.  He kept yelling "I only wanted an HOUR!". 

I was thinking today he is very controlling.  He told me he was fine with me cutting my hair short, twice, then both times said "Well, I really like it long".  Why not just tell me before I cut it? 

He yells at me about my weight - harangues me, and then wonders why I don't want to go out to eat, primary activity #2 (aside from drinking).  He has over two decades of horrific blackouts, then a 5 year tantrum (still ongoing) because I refuse to be involved in buying him alcohol. 

Then he does stupid tricks like trying to use my abusive past against me, in below the belt fashion.  But he can't remember the details so it becomes comical. 

He gets obsessed with stupid, irrelevant, theological details, pouts, and tantrums at God because He's coming back on His schedule, not  Ron's.  Ron doesn't like anything in his life to revolve around anyone, or anything, else. 

Some of it is the head injury, it just amplifies everything.  The rest is just Ron being a very selfish man. 

Funny thing, when I controlled the finances and paid all the bills, he was sweet and supportive.  He couldn't have been nicer, except for nagging me to give him money and whining about being alone all day.  And listening to the telephone dating line. 

Now he's having a tantrum because he got some food stuck in his throat and I didn't freak out.  "If you can talk" I told him "You're not choking".  Now he's going into the "You'll miss me when I'm dead" routine. 

If he keeps it up, I WON'T. 

In fact, he keeps going on about how he's going to die, I'll miss him when he's dead, I'll be happy when he's dead, etc.  He knows I hate him, he's only ever told me "the truth about how you are" etc. 

How deluded! 

I told him, if he was thinking about suicide, that would be a very bad idea because God has a way of having people survive attempts, but with more physical problems.  He muttered agreement, but if he keeps this crap up I'm going to put my jeans on and call an ambulance.  Maybe a couple days downtown, a forced dry out, and the initiation of antidepressants would do him some good. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

"I think I overdosed"

I almost forgot the exciting part of my New Years. 

Ron has a system for taking medication: he has a digital recorder and records every time he takes his medication.  For whatever reason, he heard 6:30 PM as 2:30 PM, and took an additional dose of XS Tylenol. 

He brought me the bottle "How often do I take it?"  "Every 6 hours". 

"I took two doses in a 2 hour period.  Am I going to die?"  Probably not, I figured, but we should call poison control.  "No" he replied "I don't want to do that."  We should go to the hospital, then.  "No, I don't want to do that.".  What DO you want to do?  "Just wait and see if I get sick" He replied. 

I did enough research to determine over 4 grams a day was "bad" and he had only had 3 so far that day.  I didn't tell him that, but continued to encourage him to call poison control or go to the hospital.  He kept refusing. 

He wanted a drink.  I talked him out of that, explaining rather sharply: the medication has bad liver interactions with alcohol at NORMAL doses, much less overdoses.  He reluctantly agreed to abstain, while laughing at me. 

I didn't think it was funny.  He has no idea what he could have done to himself.  He snored all night, so when I woke up I at least knew he was alive.  He kept asking me where his liver was in case it started to hurt, and I told him.  He had no pain. 

I can't think of anything I can to do prevent something like this in the future.  It was an accident.  Ron was not having a blackout.  It could happen again.  It could happen to me, theoretically, although I use my pill organizer.  From what I have read, though, an extra dose wouldn't hurt me much.  I am taking far less than maximum doses on all my medications. 

Anyway, that was my shock and horror on New Year's eve.  Not at all what I wanted but at least Ron seems to be OK. 

Storage unit

Wednesday I had off.  I had been reading in one of my natural medicine books and come across "potassium citrate".  It looked very promising, pain relief, infection control, over the counter? 

I recalled seeing some kind of bottles of "citrate" at the drugstore.  I figured odds were good I could find it a couple miles down the road. 

I did my God Time, took a shower, and headed out the door, my hair still wet.  It was pretty cold but not overly so. 

I headed to the bus stop and waited for a while, about 20 minutes, before my ride arrived.  I disembarked at my stop and walked past a nice dormant vacant lot.  It was very pretty, in a dead winter way. 

I got to the drugstore.  I quickly found magnesium citrate, which is apparently a laxative.  I can't imagine anything worse than using a laxative during a bladder infection.  I couldn't find any potassium citrate, and the pharmacy tech was "busy" with a pretty girl.  I got a few snack foods, the magnesium (maybe I got it wrong) citrate, and some diet decaf soda. 

I went to the supermarket drug store.  The haughty pharmacist kept telling me it was in the vitamins.  No, it wasn't, and it is prescribed so he was wrong! 

Most Nigerians are awesome, but I have met a lot of very haughty Igbo (a tribe).  He was Igbo. 

Frustrating.  I got some herbal teas and went to McDonald's, bought some hamburgers to go.  While I was in line one employee was yelling about the empty soap dispenser.  I was called to the register. 

"By the way" I grinned "I'm with the health department."  Her face collapsed in an interesting fashion.  I laughed, so did she.  Health department rules say you always have to have soap in all dispensers, and they usually visit during a rush like I did. 

I got my food, and lived, eating the burgers, so clearly OK. 

I went back home, ate my burgers, and took my meds.  I keep getting confused on whether I have taken my antibiotic yet.  I have had to take it out and count it, more than once. 

So, I put the antibiotics and the other medication in my pills-of-the-week organizer.  It's pretty full now. 

I also did some research on potassium citrate, found it is usually prescribed, but small doses are available over the counter.  I will try that. 

I was also told D-Mannose is a very good supplement for bladder infections.  When "Sara" and I met, she was having a pretty rough life.  She stayed with us for about a month and we taught her some beginning computers. 

She didn't tell Ron - or he didn't tell me, she had a debilitating disability and was not on benefits.  We eventually had to ask her to move out before the landlord threw all 3 of us out in the gutter. 

Anyway, she moved on, had a child, got married, had more kids, picked up a stepdaughter along the way.  She divorced and started her own business. 

She has done far better than I hoped.  She is mature and some would say "too" responsible, taking on challenges that would send "normal" screaming.  Anyway, one of her daughters has bladder trouble and she advised it. 

I did some research (I always do) and it seems legit.  I ordered some. 

I had a horrifyingly high total on my vitamin order.  I still get a little dizzy when I think about it. 

Here's another odd note, I have been crying.  At commercials, at movies.... I don't know whether it is God giving me a more sensitive heart, whacked out brain chemicals, or what.  I find it mildly embarrassing. 

What else?  Well, that was it for Wednesday. 

Yesterday I had to get up early, shower, and go to the warehouse.  Ron wanted more supplies.  He didn't tell me he didn't have a list, he just cobbled something together on the way.  So, in my opinion, we ended up with stuff we didn't need. 

I also had a lot of inventory loaded onto both carts (remember I only have about 30 square feet of storage), which I had to move to load the new inventory.  Not the best supply run. 

Oh, and the driver almost went off the road, trying to unwrap a cough drop, scaring the crap out of me.  Why is it so hard to wait until you are at a red light?  He gets very distracted, weaves all over the road trying to grab his cell phone or get a cough drop, and probably wonders why I don't ride with him much outside of work. 

I don't worry about him killing us.  I do worry about him mangling me in some wreck and now I can't work for half a year. 

We even asked him to increase his liability offering on his insurance and he said no. 


Then I had to get everything into the building and everything stocked.  I wasn't too original in the pastry offerings but at least they are stocked. 

Since Snack #3 continues to have the "Won't give a nickel's change" glitch, literally holding back the nickel and saying ".05 Credit".  People get so mad about that.  They don't want anyone else to get the nickel. 

It's just a nickel.  You don't have to use the machine.  I always pay it back. 

Anyway, I have fixed it.  Many people put in 75 cents to buy the 70 cent bag of chips.  They don't get their change, sometimes, with #3.  Answer, don't sell 70 cent items, sell cookies instead, 75 cents.  You put in 75 cents, you get your 75 cent item and no change required. 

Trust me, I have had many repairman consultations.  When they are stumped you know it is bad. 

It's a little odd, people expect chips, but the other two machines are full of chips with very few cookie selections.  I think it balances well. 

I got it all stocked and we went to the bank.  That took a while, then we went home. 

Well, I did.  Ron went to buy more liquor.  I reminded him the rectal bleeding stopped when he stopped drinking the apple whiskey.  He concurred, but bought some anyway, so I may anticipate seeing more blood in the bathroom trash can. 

I tried to take a nap but they were pretty loud bringing the liquor.  Now, I get it.  Humanity, in general, doesn't care if I get a nap.  They don't give a flying shit about my fatigue.  I just wish I could impute a couple of days in my head, to them.  It would be a very different outcome. 

After Ron got his alcohol in the house, and the driver left (same guy), I did get some sleep for a while. 

I was worried #6 might have another party.  The "refugee tents" of awnings topped with black plastic had fallen down and been taken away, but Wednesday he was out there "fixing" the plastic and hammering it into the patio cover.  He clearly has future plans.  It makes very annoying flapping noises but it's not the first time he did something like this.  Years ago, he rigged up something with blue plastic tarps all over the patio, then never even used it.  He left that up for half a year, at least.  I had to learn to sleep with that racket, so I can learn to deal with this. 

It's just inconsiderate, which is a pretty common theme with him.  Happily, around 6, they packed up and left. 

The other neighbors only really act up on the 4th of July, and New Years.  They put on quite the show with things exploding all around for hours.  Then, the other 364 days (leap year), they are quiet. 

Either way, I needed that nap, which I did get.  I got up and ordered a pizza, then watched Lord of the Rings for a couple of hours.  I got really tired and tried to go back to bed, but the constant war zone racket woke me up around 10:30.  I stayed up until about 1, when things started to taper off, and went to bed. 

I woke up early but was able to force myself back to sleep until 8.  I did my God Time and watched some Supernatural, incredibly depressed.  I finally went back to bed around 10 and woke up around noon.  I watched the end of "Journey to the Center of the Earth", avoided "Spider man" and am now watching a Weather Channel series for lack of anything better to do. 

Depression is still pretty bad, but I am getting tired of the front room.  I may attempt some organization.  Right now I feel like I live in a storage unit. 

2 days in one, again

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  We went to the warehouse, got our supplies, went to work and stocked.  Jack will be out of town next wee...