Showing posts from December, 2011

It doesn't have to cost a fortune.

Year in review: pretty awful!  I'll do a more extensive one tomorrow. 

Happily my biggest issue right now, other than eating the pizza I'd already bought for New Years, is how to find some field peas for my garden. 

I cannot find the seed anywhere.  I ordered it from one company - never got it.  I ordered it from another company - out of stock!  Agh! 

I love to eat them, too.  [sigh]  Ah, well, if that's the worst of it right now I'm OK. 

Tonight will be fireworks and pizza.  Ron bought plenty of firecrackers, a few whistling fountain type items, and I got a few kiddie things - like sparklers and the flaming balls that spin on the ground. 

It doesn't have to cost a fortune, to be fun. 

I had a great quote on Facebook - I had mentioned how Ron and I will try to avoid setting his hair on fire this year (the wind will often blow his hair into the lighter, as he holds lighter and firecrackers up near his ear).  One of my friends said "If he sets his hair on …

"New Post"

It's been a few days since I hit the "new post" button.  Sorry about that. 

I can trot out the old "depression" flag, and that's the majority of the issue.  Doc once told me, I am a "loss of interest" depressive.  I don't want to do anything I find fun.  I have to force myself to it. 

Heck, I was doing pretty good just to shower!  One day I went to work with pretty greasy hair.  Laundry?  Good luck with that.  So, mostly depression. 

A lot of fatigue, and headaches.  Today I had another migraine but the "headache relief formula" kept me functional enough to work and run errands. 

I've reached a conclusion: no more sugar.  It's just not worth it. 

What kind of person am I, pointing the finger at an alcoholic when I'm just as bad?   When I'm enslaved to a health-destroying, mood-killer, substance?  There are no health benefits to sugar, and I can make a pretty persuasive argument that at least Ron's red wine ha…

Depressing video blog

He'll take my adoration when I'm manic

A sing-a-long?  Oh, you poor thing.  You don't know.  I am incredibly tone deaf.  Every cat I have ever known flattens his ears back and flees when I sing. 

I'm listening to Theocracy (Gospel Metal)'s version of Christmas carols.  Ron calls it "Your devil music".  [snicker] 

I'm pretty sure I can coax Ron into making a video blog; I'll appeal to his vanity and tell him an adoring fan requested it.  [giggle]   He tends to get moody on holidays, so it'll be a good distraction. 

Boy, I have felt like crap this week.  Crappy horrible depressed mood.  We have gotten lots of rain (I think the yard has gotten about 4 inches this week), which is wonderful - but I do miss the sun.  Cold, too. 

Plus, I started cycling depressed.  UGH.  Throw in my "new" cycle and it's not a fun week.  OH, and the migraine.  [wheezing] 

I can't tell you how many crappy Christmases I have had, either sick, depressed, or both.  Good thing God made me, and un…

Whatever happened to soffit?

Oh, I'm beat. 

Something has been waking me up in the middle of the night, now and then, for a while.  I couldn't determine what though, and blamed the dog that lives behind us. 

I gradually realized something was scrabbling around in the attic at night.  It was very bad on Monday night, and woke me up.  As I lay awake in bed, a thunderstorm rolled in.  My neighbor had put a bucket right under the corner of my house, at the eaves, and I had to endure a very loud DRIP DRIP DRIP. 

I got up at 2 AM.  Got a lot done, then went to work.  Worked, came home.  Talked to Ron about the problem, worked up our nerve, and went into the attic.  Whatever it is, doesn't sleep in the attic during the day, so I can put up vent covers to keep them out.  Good.  Ron went up into the attic and changed the light bulb, and put a small radio turned to the news station.  It worked.  Nothing last night. 

When the neighbor's wife left to run an errand, I went over into the yard and found the …

Sunday Night Readers

Pretty tired tonight, but I know I get a lot of Sunday night readers.  Happily, yesterday I was fairly manic; we went to the store, went to work, stocked it all, fixed a down vending machine, etc.  Came home, I took a nap. 

Then I raked the front yard (maybe 400 square feet).  I poisoned the fire ant mound - pillow sized, in Ron's path to the mailbox - that would have been DREADFUL!  I am completely organic, except for fire ants. 

Speaking of organic, I put the leaves in the compost pile after some internal debate.  The ash tree is a "common" ash, with seed pods.  If I put the leaves in my compost I get baby ash trees coming up for months.  My pile doesn't get hot enough to destroy them, and that's OK.  They are easy enough to remove and often draw my attention to other problems. 

I am not always very observant.  While placing the leaves (I got a nice layer), I noticed some old bean pods are sprouting.  I have pole beans coming up in the compost.  That's fi…

Take your pills!

I've been seeing a lot of paranoia on Facebook, which is sad.  Someone on a message board said she was afraid to post because "Is this safe? Am I putting myself at unnecessary risk by 'voicing' my beliefs so strongly?"

I strongly suggested she get some medical help.  It is easy for me to see, in others, what I battled for so long. 

One thing I can say, I may go up, I may go down, but I'm not paranoid anymore.  I don't have delusions (one, I will share now: for months I was convinced my sister's daughter was actually mine - even though I have never given birth, she looks just like her parents, etc... yet I couldn't get it out of my head).  I don't have delusions, anymore.  I was paranoid and delusional; I know how it "feels". 

I always, always suggest they talk to a good doc and get some medication.  God knows mine has worked great. 

Which is a good thing, because I started cycling depressed again.  Boo.  Ron was actually the first…

A trip down memory lane

Oh, I'm so happy.  I found Theocracy Christmas music, for free.  Christian.  Metal.  Christmas music.  So perfect.  AAAH.  It's got me thinking about some assorted Christmases I've known. 

When I was a kid, guaranteed I WOULD get the flu around Christmas.  Every year.  It was pretty horrible.  And it would linger forever.  I always got pretty much anything I wanted, and a lot besides.  I think my favorite childhood gift (other than learning to crochet when I was 8), was a weaving loom. 

My adoptive Mom would cook the most delicious tidbits.  Little cheesecakes on a Nilla wafer.  Fudge.  Oh.  The fudge.  A huge dinner.  Special Christmas morning casserole.  Good times! 

We always had an artificial tree.  Dad would argue, every year, it was in perfectly good shape, so why buy a real tree?  So, the memory of "Dad taking the disassembled Christmas tree out of the attic, and assembling it" is another happy memory. 

I remember when I figured Santa out - and Mom beg…

The Lithium always wins

Today I found out yet another family member has bipolar disorder.  I really wonder, if you threw a dart at my family tree, would you hit a "normal?"  Doubtful. 

Well, I pray for everyine.  I also have a page in my notebook; and pray for people with mental illness (the right medication and will to use it, proper diagnosis, affordable medication, etc).  I just wish I didn't know so many who qualified. 

Don't get me wrong; I love them.  But I know it is hell, and I hate to see anyone, especially those I love, suffering the way I do.  AGH. 

Not much I can do, just pray.  Encourage them to take medication as directed, avoid alcohol, and strive for a stable routine.  However, we have at least 4 generations running around out there.  [sigh]

I am glad I'm enrolled in a genetic study for bipolar disorder.  I hope, one day, they will be able to do a DNA swab and tell a parent "Your child has ABZ Bipolar disorder.  As she starts to exhibit symptoms we'll start h…

You don't like money?

You know, I get it.  Some people find me annoying.  I understand. 

However, in this wonderful internet age, no one has to read a thing I type.  Between message board "Ignore poster" buttons, "Unfriend" or "block" on Facebook - and the simple fact that anyone can delete a bookmark, why would anyone choose to read something I wrote, if they don't like my style? 

I talk a lot, I get that.  I talk a lot about my problems; because I hope it can help other people, with, I hope, "Lesser" problems.  I talk about my problems because I want to be a source of encouragement for people with mental illness and those who love them: "Heather does all right because she takes her medication as directed".  If you don't like that, you can stop reading.  I can't force anyone to read a thing I type. 

I hope, people, would also learn from me; a 20-years-older "boyfriend" might bear a little consideration.  Drinking is bad.  Especiall…

Houston Squash

Still battling depression. 

I have to pick how to spend my energy.  Ron loves it when I cook him things; so I did that.  He was a good sport about doing the dishes.  I made him some tuna salad with hardboiled eggs, and some pinto beans.  I canned most of the pintos (and sausage). 

Today, I made some 15-bean soup, with a sprinkle of bacon.  I also put in some fava beans, and some dried pole bean seed from my garden (I picked it off the vines).  I added a lot of salt and garlic, two of my favorites.  It's extremely doubtful Ron would eat any of it, he loves his pintos. 

The weather will be nice and mild, so I put my plants outside.  Well, all of them except the pointsettia.  I watered the container plants with some saved water (from the showers we had). 

"Don't just work" Ron told me "Have some fun".  So, once I finish the dishes, and set the canning jars to cool, I plan to take a nap. 

When I was manic, I got some garden edging and marked some tentative…

Thank God for Santa hats

For the last couple days, I've been completely exhausted.  It's not a depression fatigue, I know those well; no hopelessness, despair, or pain.  Just an unrelenting desire to sleep, and some vague aches. 

If I had a sore throat or a fever, I would have called it "the flu".  If I were vomiting or otherwise, I would have called it "a virus".  As it is, only God knows.  Nothing specific enough for a doctor visit. 

I decided to treat myself as thought I were sick; what would I do?  I would get tons of rest; so I did.  I would stay warm and take it easy mentally - did that.  I would do things I enjoy - didn't really do that, but I got a lot of sleep. 

I love a red wool "safety" blanket I bought online a few years ago.  I have no idea why a $8, itchy, wool blanket makes me happy, but it does.  I put it on the bed.  The cat and I love it.  I have a huge mountain of blankets, actually.  5 if you count the quilt. 

I'm happy; I don't take ve…

Two migraines, a pointsettia, and some cheesy bread

Boy, I'm tired. 

I'm not sure if I'm fighting something off, "just" depressed, properly medicated ("fatigue" is listed on all my medication side effects), or a combination, but I'm exhausted. 

Happily, we got some rain this weekend.  Before it hit, I got some good garden time.  While this week promises to have lows in the 30's, and generally miserable daytime weather, I have a nice warm house.  I brought the lettuce planters in for a nice vacation.  I have plant lights. 

Saturday I was a pretty depressed mess. Dad always used to say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and I figured that also applied to my blog. I also had a vicious headache that wanted to be a migraine. My aunt, and my niece, both swear a cold front storm system is always "good" for a migraine.

Yesterday, before the rain, we ordered some pizza and cheesy bread from Dominoes.  When we lived in "Cracktown", Dominoe…

You're getting in the truck

I've been hearing a lot about the purported "FEMA" camps, online.  Message boards and facebook.  I thought, I'd better share my perspective. 

First, lets take a trip back in time; my early teen years.  I love reading biographies, adore them.  I really enjoy the "overcoming adversity" ones, so I've read a fair amount on WW2 survivor accounts; The Hiding Place, etc. 

Part of my illness includes delusions and some persecution issues.  I have always been convinced, on a deep and unreachable, level, that one day THEY will come to get me and put me into some kind of concentration camp.  I'd obsess about it. 

Happily, my medication pretty much got rid of it.  I mentioned this and got some odd comments about "telling the 6 million Jews to take medication".  I didn't say that.  For one, I think it is incredibly insulting to WW2 Jews, to compare them to yourself today.  They endured horrific persecution and discrimination, before being put in…

The thought of tomorrow

If you're a regular reader, you might remember a post I made a while back. 

In the post, I displayed two images.  One was a small white mouse.  Ew.  Get it away from me.   That's how a lot of people interact with depression.  It is a yucky, nasty, thing.  They are glad to see the last of it. 

For me, [pardon me while I get out the violin], my depression is far more relatable to the second image; a massive, nasty, vicious BEAST that clearly wanted to eat you for dinner.  In another post, I described my depression as "roaring in the basement".   Sometimes, managing my depression is a lot like walking past a cage containing a vicious animal. 

I got bit.  Oh, I feel like I'm crawling off to hide, bleeding profusely; in terrible pain.  Trying desperately to distract myself as I face the fact that, no, I don't have the "juice" to take a shower tonight. 

I tell myself that's OK.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't have to do it all.  I do…

Side-effected... Video Blog

Not just whining about side effects (brain fog), talking about my garden and faith, too.