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Showing posts from May, 2013

Get up!

God is the only thing holding the wheelchair together. 

Yesterday, my day off, I woke up with a "pretty bad" headache.  They can usually be resolved with Excedrin and a very cold, caffeinated beverage. 

I was wrong, as it turned out.  It was a migraine and I later found myself desperately swallowing my phenergan at the bus stop. 

Ron and I didn't have any trips.  When I got up, I found Ron sleeping in his bed, Pretty Girl lying next to his head.  I think she's claimed him as her special human. 

She loves me, but not the way she loves Ron.  She finds him wonderful, someone to cuddle, someone to pet her, someone who stays in the same position for hours (unlike Mommy).  I'll take her scraps. 

He is not giving her any treats, either.  We had a talk about that.

Ron wanted to go to McDonalds.  I had just taken the execdrin and went back to bed for an hour.  When I got up, around 8, I told him I'd go. 

We ended up leaving around 9:30.  As usual, we took his ma…

Video Blog today

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Some nice footage of a snuggle with Pretty Girl. 

Own it

Most of the time, I love owning a home. 

On a 95 degree day, with high humidity and higher bermuda grass, not so much.  Today wasn't that bad.  It was overcast and not very humid. 

Either that, or the Depakote gives me better heat tolerance.  Fat lady + medications + feels like 100 = not a good idea. 

I forgot my hat, and gloves, but I got out there. 

I was pretty pleased with myself. 

Since I have a pretty big (about 7 thousand square feet, minus one thousand for the house) yard, I have a lot of yardwork.  That wasn't much of a problem before my illness got bad. 

Now, it can be, especially with a pending inspection.  Our insurance company sends an inspector every year.  Last year, they found some problems. 

I'm fine with that.  I think it's a great idea to inspect the properties and keep the liability down.  For instance, years ago, Metrolift made a pickup at a home.  We had a "tropical thing" in the Gulf of Mexico, and the home was overshadowed by a …

I might even name it Bubba

I slept badly, got up late (I had already washed up in the bath last night), and looked out Ron's window. 

Lo and behold, it's a giant possum.  EW!  They look so ratlike. 

I shuddered and went to work.  The other vendor says I sound brighter.  Good. 

With God's help, I was able to fix a down vending machine.  I had made it a lot harder, in my head, than it turned out to be!  Thanks, God. 

I need Him in almost everything.  I think that's a bonus to being disabled.  I'm used to leaning on Him. 

We had a good ride home with "Mr Politics".  He was ranting about drug testing and disability.  He feels no one should have to take a drug test if they are applying for disability.  I told him I don't want my money going to support drug addicts. 

He kept going on about "getting MY money back".  I tried to tell him "his" money was long gone.  It's the people after him who will be paying his checks.  He didn't want to accept it.  H…

Wet hair

Time to climb under my own hood for a bit. 

A lot of people don't understand how I can share so much about my thoughts and feelings.  How can I not?  It might help someone, or at the very least foster a little understanding. 

The Depakote has been a huge relief for me: no more mixed depressions.  They are hideous, wound up and despairing at the same time.  Galloping thoughts and hopeless.  Driven to do something, yet lacking energy. 

Now I'm back to an average depression.  You know what?  They still suck. 

They don't suck, like a mixed depression.  We'll call that an 8 on a 1-10.  This is more of a 6. 

It's still a 6. 

Right after my diagnosis, I came up with an elaborate rating scale, plus 10 to minus 10.  I've forgotten it now. 

I'm still walking around with a hole in my soul.  It's not infected, but it's there.  God will heal me, one day, in the meantime I slap bandages of medication and lifestyle on top of it and try to go on with my life…

All the nations

In the Bible, Jesus tells us to go out into the world and preach the gospel to all the nations (Matthew 24:14, Matthew 28:18).  Jesus tells us this. 

Jesus, the son of God, commands us to do something: I'm going to do it. 

So, to my way of thinking, all the nations means just that.  I could never work in overseas missions.  I have a serious health condition; a severely disabled husband.  However, God can use me here. 

All means everyone, right? 

So, I would like to know why I never saw or heard from the mormons, or the jw's, when I lived in the "bad" areas full of poverty, crime, and violence.  They need God more than anyone else.  If you're doing God's work, He will protect you; and even if He doesn't He will use the injury or death to further the gospel in that area. 

That's the way I see it. 

I just wonder how they reconcile preaching the gospel everywhere, to everyone, with their strict attention to nice neighborhoods. 

I find it sickening.…

"For your own good"

Human or feline, I hate having to do the "It's for your own good" medical stuff.  It's one thing if I decide I want to check my own blood sugar, maybe it didn't work, so I had to do it again.  I'm the only one "suffering" (with my lancet, I feel more of a tingle than a stick, when I lance). 

Some of the worst moments of my life were giving Baby Girl (the first) eye drops back in 2004.  She screamed.  She fought.  They hurt her.  It was hell.  I wished desperately I could find someone else to do it. 

But it doesn't just apply to cats.  Say I had to check Ron's blood sugars.  Can you imagine what it would be like?  It would be fun.  I imagine, if I had to check his sugars, he'd carry on quite a bit.  Maybe use the word "torture" because I had to stick him twice. 

Sorry you have lousy circulation.  Maybe I would have him wash his hands in very warm water, first. 

I sure wouldn't want to be that person.  Now, imagine I had …

Dance to it

Social media can be very useful for me.  It seemed like all my friends complained about a neighbor's loud party. 

I wasn't too surprised when #8 decided to turn up the music at 10:30 PM.  I wouldn't have minded it if it had been earlier, but, like Ron said "They're good and drunk now".  It continued until after 12:45 AM. 

It was interesting for me, laying in bed.  I hate acknowledging anxiety.  I hate it.  I feel like "anxious" people need lovemaking, a caffeine reduction, or a "mental" pill.  Ideally, all 3. 

However, I noticed, as I lay in bed last night - the music wasn't upsetting me the way it normally would.  I wasn't consumed with anxiety and frustration.  I have to credit the Depakote. 

I had thoughts like "How do they dance to it?"  That thought consumed me for a while, because it was not a danceable beat.  The music would stop for a couple minutes, and then start again.  I envisioned a drunken guy fumbling t…

Don't eat the fish plate

Don't eat the fish plate lunch.  I'm a little queasy. 

Man, I have a strange life.  It started out pretty normal, with a ride to the doctor, handing out a New Testament and Ron's "Don't take the Mark (of the Beast)" flyer. 

We got to the doctor, filled out the paperwork.  Ron whined about waiting.  I read a magazine.  It was supposed to be a fitness magazine, but it had ads for sex toys and some pretty graphic photos of a woman, in lingerie, lying on on a bed in provocative positions. 

I always end up horrified when I read magazines in waiting rooms, wondering about the formerly innocent children.  I am so glad I never had human children. 

Oh, I forgot: so, when I woke up, I found my cat lying on top of Ron as he lay in bed this morning.  "I only gave her one (translate - 6) treat, and she followed me in here!"  He thought I'd be mad, why? 

She's a lovebug.  She's got plenty of love for all of us, why would I begrudge him some cuddl…

"Don't play in the street!"

I brushed my teeth as I got ready for the handout.  I want to have a nice smile.  I did realize I couldn't do anything about the Dr Pepper breath. 

I love to drink my Diet Dr Pepper during the handouts. 

I had the signs, Bibles, snacks, drinks, you name it.  Ron wore a blue t-shirt.  We work in "Bloods" territory - but no one shot him.  I wore my usual loud orange t-shirt, safety vest, sneakers, and denim Bermuda shorts. 

Enough about that.  Our ride was late and she had a NASTY attitude, talking on the cell phone the whole time.  Then she wanted to let us off at the far corner of the parking lot.  She didn't understand what we needed until I got out and walked over, waving.  She left. 

No other driver has had that difficulty.  Ron put it under "spritual warfare".  I agreed. 

We got set up on the median, but it was pretty quiet.  Then a young man came running over, out of breath.  He thought the Handouts were great, we were great for doing them, shook …

It's sad.

It was a long, wierd, day, but a productive one. 

Our ride was a little late, but not too bad.  Then I found out it's the guy with the problem teenage daughter, who loves to relate every detail in her latest escapade, verbally pulling his hair out, etc. 

I wanted to tell him "You are not modeling a Godly life for her.  Why do you expect her to live to a higher standard than yours?"  I have also told him, for about a year now, she sounds bipolar, she needs to be diagnosed and medicated.  He always goes "Yeah, great" and the next time it's more drama and I didn't take her to the doctor. 

It's rather toxic and negative, and not any fun on top of a mixed depression.  I envied Ron, who put on his headphones and listened to his talking book. 

I guess I should have cried a fake headache, but I didn't realize it was him until we had been talking for a while. I wonder if he does this with all the clients, or just me?  I don't know.

Anyway, we fi…

God made plenty of sparrows

I always have a hard time writing when depressed.  That's why I often to go a video blog instead. 

Today, Ron decided to reschedule the work week.  We work tomorrow after I see my doctor.  That's fine.  Then we go in again on Friday. 

He woke me up and asked if that was OK.  I was very happy to go back to sleep, although I need to watch it.  Too much sleep feeds the depression. 

We had a big storm front come through around 2-3 AM.  Ron made sure the cats were home and told me when I got up (yet again) to urinate.  My lithium acts like a diuretic, so I'm always going to the bathroom. 

I thanked God for a snug little house and a good roof, etc.  Prayed for people on Oklahoma.  Thanked God for the medication and good kidneys to process it. 

Ron is doing better, by the way.  I can't talk about it but he is improving and taking things seriously. 

I'll be glad when his head heals up (too much rum - a big crash in the bedroom - bleeding Ron - still don't know wh…

Divulge

Some of this may be TMI, so you're warned. 

I think my mood has finally leveled off.  However, a little drama on the Ron end - health issue - he refuses to even allow me to talk around it.  So, I won't.  I won't even hint at it, even though he is a part of my life and it affects me, but I don't have permission, so, nothing.   He was pretty vehement. 

It does not merit medical attention right now.  So, he's fine.  He's going to take care of himself. 

Pretty Girl came home with a dirty butt this morning.  Not the first time.  She was rather outraged when I went after her with a wet wipe (unscented baby wipe), and left.  Hey, if you won't clean your butt I'll do it for you. 

We'll see if she forgave me, when I see her again.  Sorry, but I won't have a dirty butt in my house.  Especially in my lap, on my couch, etc. 

We are supposed to get heavy rain tonight.  I'll get the girls in before it hits. 

Today was pretty quiet, we went to the wa…

Video Blog

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Cats don't keep

It's my perception that people just don't like to hear from me, when I'm depressed.  I feel they find me 'boring, self-pitying, and whiny".  Then I remind myself it is most likely the illness talking. 

However, no one likes a whiner.  A negative, black-hearted person who just sucks the joy out of life.  I resolve not to be that person. 

I am battling a NASTY mixed depression.  Here's a link, sorry for all the ads.  Web MD mixed episode.  I'm not wild about the site in general, but it did a good job of phrasing in layman's terms. 

[break]

I got distracted by Cuddle-cat.  That's an interesting story. 

She (Pretty Girl, new cat) wanted some cuddles.  Ron, fresh from his bath, was lying in bed naked.  I got a handtowel and put it on him, then laid Pretty Girl on top. 

That turned out to be a problem when Ron's cat, Baby Girl, came home.  BG got up on the bed and PG hissed at her.  I removed PG before it got ugly. 

I like Ron as a man, you know…

A good day

I forget. Sometimes it's important for me to celebrate the "small" victories in my life. For instance, Metrolift was late so I got an extra-long cuddle from Pretty Girl. Later, we had an hour and a half long cuddle session, as she curled in my lap, purring.

I don't see how anyone could give her up; but I'm glad they did. From what I can tell, she was only a few days from euthanized when I adopted her. I told Ron that's probably why I felt such an urgency to get to the pound after Bubba's death.

Other victories: the trash is gone. I had some brush and an old plastic storage box out back. I got rid of them today, and they took it. They also took the contents of the trash can, and I put it away when they finished.

It rained. We need it. Thank you God. It was a nice steady rain.

My refills are ready, so I can take my medication.

I had a nice shower this morning with lemon-scented soap. I like it. It also seems to act as a bug repellent.�…

Feeling lazy, so I did a video blog

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I did not want to type it all out. :) 

Don't mess with Texas blind vendors in a wheelchair

Ugh.  I hate drama.  Drama overload.

Since they closed the deli (for poor sales, and that's when the economy was doing fine), various people have brought in meals to sell.  I'm not wild about it, but I understand that's going to happen. 

It's a free market society.  Some people would rather have a warm piece of meat and mashed potatoes, than a cold sandwich and a bag of chips.  I turn a blind eye, if you'll pardon the pun.  We can't stop everyone.  Most people try to cater meals, realize it isn't worth the trouble, realize no one wants to pay what they'd have to charge, and give up. 

However, BJ took it a little too far.  She formed a "secret" Facebook group years ago.  Nothing wrong with that.  It's mainly her personal forum for politics and who died.  She complains, a lot, about politics and puts up "new agey" stuff.  About a year, year and a half ago, she started promoting her "Barbeque" business.  She and her husb…

Click here

I'm not the naive kid who first got online. 

My first email was from a nice person who said they remembered me from high school.  Didn't mention the school, and looking back I realized a few other things.  "Click here" it said, so I did, and boy I got an eyeful. 

The last professional report written about my prospects stated "Heather is extremely naive and trusting, due to her disability".  It made me very angry, but in all honesty, true.  I've had to toughen up over the years, though. 

For instance, the alcoholic who kept bothering me after the Bible Handout - I ignored him because I will not promote addiction.  If I won't escort my own husband to the liquor store, why would I share my hard earned money so you can go buy another "40" (ounce beer)? 

I don't operate that way.  I see myself as fairly cynical.  I don't click on links.  I give to organizations, not people. 

However, something tonight truly shocked me.  I looked up…

Venial

Ron "rode" the phone last night with the police, making sure the wild party got the music down.  It was so loud I could feel the floor vibrating under my feet.  I live in a ground floor house, two blocks away. 

I will say this, they did shut up eventually, and they kept their friends over so no one drove drunk.  Smart. 

Today it's pretty quiet, so enough about that.  I will say I do envy the deaf sometimes, when neighbors are having a loud party, Ron is yelling at me (not last night), or I'm having an auditory hallucination. 

The blog has been good for me, I'm a lot more open about my illness and pretty honest about it.  Which brings me to yesterday. 

Ron and I, for a lark, went to Walmart after work.  I am out of soda and have been drinking the instant mix tea/punch/lemonade packets.  I like pretty much all of them EXCEPT strawberry.  I loathe strawberries. 

I don't have a lot of cups.  I am nervous about glasses with a blind man in the house.  I had so…

"You have no power over me"

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I'm feeling brutally honest tonight. 

I never cared much about "heritage".  After all, if my own mother didn't want me, why look any farther back?  Both my grandfathers were dead (both served in WW2, and only one came home).  One grandmother hated me. 

However, I do have to wonder about my DNA sometimes.  I have some Scottish ancestry.  I don't really "see" it in any way, but one:  bagpipes.  I love bagpipes. 

Most people, from what I hear, don't really find them inspiring.  I do. 

Now, to be honest, from what I have gathered my mother's side is English, if you go back a ways.  I do love tea.  I used to spend my allowance on little 10-packs of imported teabags, paperwrapped bags wrapped in cellophane.  I would reuse the tea bag over and over until I had wrung it dry. 

My love of tea became a little bit of a family joke, but a loving one.  My younger brother used to give me a metal tin full of imported teabags every Christmas (the tins were …

The cats made a real man out of me

Well, today went better than I expected.  I got up at 5 and got online for a bit, did my shower and got dressed. 

Ron couldn't find his cell phone.  Later, I was able to help him figure out the location (a very odd place), based in his last location when talking on the phone.  If he was in the hall, it must be in the hall.  I prayed on it, too, but all that happened later. 

Last night, the neighbors decided to play loud music.  I tried to be understanding, it is Mexican mother's day.  I understand that in some cultures, they like to party with a lot of food, alcohol, and very loud music, all night long if possible.  But I still prayed for God to please let me sleep. 

These particular people like to play the music on car stereo speakers, with the house door open, and the car doors open.  It's very ghetto. 

I was thrilled at the thunderstorm around 11 PM.  Needless to say, they shut up everything, the music, the car, and the house.  By the way, that house had a terrible …

Drinking has made you a selfish person

Well, that was ugly.  Ron had another blackout. 

Even though he isn't vain, sometimes I think he is a narcissist.  He got very upset when he couldn't find his cat yesterday.  It was pouring rain, a thunderstorm.  We had guys next door with a weed-whacker.  When she finally did come home, I found her bothered by a stray poodle mix.  Of course she was off hiding somewhere. 

Ron chose to receive it as "She doesn't like me anymore".  He got out the alcohol, breaking his rule (never before 12) and said "I'll probably have a fugue state" (fugue is just another word for blackout but I think he finds it more dignified). 

Fast forward, I told Ron I needed to take a nap, could he please be quiet.  I laid down for a while, and it was apparent he would not comply with my request.  Most of it was the usual behavior.   Shouting at God, trying to "help' the cat with burrs in her tail (kitty made it very clear that was a no), banging things around, fall…

"Unavailable"

Some days find me strong and able to handle anything.  Other days find me wishing I could crawl under my bed. 

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  Ron went to the dentist, I accompanied him.  Today found Ron looking for "his" cat.  He called for hours.  She came home very wet, miserable, and pursued by a stray dog. 

Ron calls me Mama Bear.  I got Mama Bear on the dog and it left.  Baby Girl, grateful, actually got into my lap when I brought her inside.  She never does that - I think it's been beneficial for her to see Pretty Girl snuggling in our laps. 

"Huh, that looks like fun".  I'm not as grabby, either, being the properly medicated .6 lithium level.  So, she gave it a try. 

Ron got a little jealous and tried to lure her with treats.  That didn't work very well. 

I should add, both of us, over the last couple days, got lots of cuddles from Pretty Girl.  She loves to cuddle. 

Other than that, today has sucked.  I can't talk about some of it, …

Letter from hell

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If you're not saved - unreached - agnostic - atheist, whatever.  I want you to watch this and think. 

If you are saved, I want you to watch it and tell me why you aren't sharing your faith.

A busy week

So, after deleting two anonymous comments, how was my week? 

My strategy paid off: I had stocked up on diet soda and TV dinners when I realized I was getting depressed.  Tonight I was able to throw a frozen pizza in the oven and feed us both. 

Happily, Pretty Girl is not interested in people food.  She only wants the dry, grain free cat food. 

Monday was a long day at work, then Ron kept me running all day.  Tuesday, another long day at work, errands, and a Bible Handout.  Today I had off, sort of.   Working from home, we did the accounting report and filed it.  I had a good nap, watched some TV, and did laundry.  I also had some nice cuddles with the cats. 

I do "let" them out (they have a cat door), but they mainly stick to the backyard.  It is interesting and private, safe, no one in there but the meter man (I noticed they had altered my gas meter). 

A few weeks ago, I bought an automatic spray air freshener, it has a timer and "squirts".  I got the "f…

Varmie

I've had a very interesting relationship with Ron's cat.  Well, my cat. 

She lives with both of us. 

Back in September, Ron found a small brown kitten in the bushes.  He was immediately drawn to her.  When I fed her, she meowed while eating.  Ron told me "I want to pet it". 

I knew we would be adopting her, but I didn't want another cat.  I had promised Bubba, after Frosty died, I would not get another cat unless he brought it home. 

That's how I got Frosty, Bubba brought him home to live with us.  Frosty was a wonderful, loving cat, but very old.  I was happy to get 4 and a half years with him. 

When Frosty died, I entered a month-long depression.  I wasn't ready to have my "heart broke". 

Bubba had also proven he didn't like kittens.  He was friendly enough when we were around, but they never stayed.  One small kitten urinated in Ron's pants, as he used the toilet, then climbed into bed with me and peed on my covers.  We were pre…

If you can't take the faith, get out of my blog

I chose not to publish two comments I put under "offensive attacks".  Attack me if you must, attack my husband even, but do not attack my God.  Don't tell me the Bible is full of lies and then pretend you know His will for my life. 

Here is a question for the one comment on the Bible Handout - what if I'm right?  Because I am.  I always have more pain, grief, stupid arguments with Ron, injury, illness, drunken blackouts, whatever, when I am doing handouts.   I have tracked it - anyone can by looking at the blog.  Type "handout" into the search bar.  I remember one night I was up all night hearing a plumbing issue I could not fix.  I couldn't turn the water off, Ron had been pretty vicious so I didn't want to wake him up, and I felt very alone and hopeless.  My normally quiet neighbors have all night parties.  The cat brings home a live rat and lets it loose in my bedroom (I still miss him, though).  Agonizing migranes, horrible mixed depressions, i…

Bible Handout

I broke my toe 2 days after a Bible Handout. 
My house was robbed 6 days after a Bible Handout. 
My cat died 10 days after my last Bible Handout. 
I was a little twitchy about this one. 

We seem to have the same driver for the same type of trip.  The lady who takes us to work.  The guy who takes Ron to the liquor store.  The guy who picks us up from Sam's Club. 

Today, we had "The guy who takes us to Bible Handouts".  He has taken us to a couple.  He liked my shirt.  After dropping us, he watched for a little bit and then left. 

Our ride was half an hour late.  We were supposed to get there at 4.  We ended up there at 4:35. 
I didn't have a lot of Bibles, "only" about 50, plus my Spanish Gospels of John.  They are very compact and pack easily, and if I run into a Spanish speaker I can at least give them that. 
I had 4 whole Spanish Bibles, too.  Boy, those were gone muy rapido.  Within 3 minutes - poof! 
I had some fun recipients.  A very professiona…

Otherwise

So, how do I cope, when Ron's being difficult, I'm battling the depression from hell, and my cat is off on classified cat business? 

My faith. 

Does Ron exasperate me, hurt me, and make a difficult childhood look pretty good in comparison to living with him?  Yes. 

I don't know the clinical term, but he is very selfish and wants things to revolve around him.  It's just frustrating, I think "I'm bipolar, but you're the guy who was rubbing my shoulders and 10 minutes later ranting about hating me." 

It's not the head injury, he was like this before.  I can concede "not entirely the head injury".  I can concede he has a shorter fuse since the accident.  But the way he "reacts" when we disagree has not changed much at all. 

Sometimes I do see the Holy Spirit working in his life.  He will come out and apologize, and mean it.  Generally if he has not been drinking much. 

Other times I get the cold shoulder, he verbally abuses m…

It's not worth it!

Ron is raving. 

I hadn't planned to do a blog today but I have more energy now. 

Ugh.  There he goes in the "liquor cabinet".  He drinks a lot more when he's upset. 

What started all this?  Well, the guys want to paint our house. 

[I haven't said a word to him in ages and he's still raving.  I wish I could say it is a head injury thing but he did this before the accident, raving at me for long periods of time whenever he got upset.] 

So, anyway, I told someone about this.  She mentioned "Oh, you have to tell the homeowner's assocation" 

I told her, no one in the subdivision gets "approval" for their repairs/paint.  The guy next door is a hoarder.  His yard is 3 feet tall, growing around all his piles of junk and trash.  The guy next door on the other side illegally converted his garage into 2 bedrooms. 

They do inspections every month, driving past the hoarded house.  It still looks terrible.  Do you think the "converter&qu…