Showing posts from November, 2013

Come back!

I'm not sure where I left you, so I'll just tell you about the last couple days. 

Wednesday my aunt invited me to Thanksgiving at her house.  She actually had 2 dinners.  I said yes, Ron said no, my uncle came and got me. 

Nice to go to their house WITHOUT having a massive crisis.  I had a great time, my aunt drove me home. 

We brought a plate for Ron.  He loved the "Funeral Potatoes", and has been talking about them all day.  I also got him some sausage balls, a staple from my childhood holiday dinners.  He loved them. We had a lovely chocolate chip pound cake for dessert. 

Today - well, I knew today would be busy.  Up at 3.  Didn't do my God time (got it later).  Off to work.  Stock and inventory.  Did that.  I had a box of decorations and put them up on the vending machines.  Merry Christmas!  Went home (don't know why), got to watch an episode of Supernatural (I like it).  Then off to the wholesale warehouse, where I bought about 150 chips, 30 candy b…

Bible Handout Update

"I'm so glad you're OK" Ron told me when I got back.
"I didn't even tell you about the guy who showed me his underwear.."
"Oh, that's normal for you!"

Yes, I am alarmed to admit I got to see a young man's Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer long underwear. He was quite proud of them. I was pretty freaked.

That, though, happened AFTER the Handout.

First thing, I missed the bus. The handcart made wierd noises all the way to the bus stop. I left it up to God, and got there just in time to see the bus whiz by.

Thanks a lot.

I remembered the Sandy Hook handout and set the cart up so people could read it from Antoine (the busy street). Sure enough, a car stopped and I gave away my first 4 Bibles. The bus came driver got a Bible, and a passenger. I got to De Soto and Antoine (it's a nice straight shot, about 8 miles south).

It was really slow at first. I don't know if it was the cold, the early hour (about 3:45), or what, b…


More chapters in Broken! 

I slept horribly last night.  I woke up at 3, thinking our pickup was due at 5.  Nope.  I got it wrong. 

Went to work, actually had some sales, praise God.  Ron is feeling a little better.  He's laughing at a comedian right now. 

Came home, got a nap, did some writing. Did up about 100 Bibles for a handout I'm planning Wednesday. 

That's about it for today.

Pushed me away

It's vital for me to be honest here.  In so many places, I have to put on the brave face.  The one that has people going "You?  You get suicidal?" 

Yes, [expletive] I do.  I'm just good at fronting. 

Well, I'm not suicidal these days, but I do dream about another man.  I knew him in childhood.  He was a very kind and empathetic young man - amazing when you consider I was a crazy train at the time.  No, it was not John.  Someone I knew earlier. 

When I went to sleep last night, I wasn't even thinking about my marriage.  I was happy Torbie got into my bed.   I was thinking about Broken and how I will handle Jenny's other man. 

At any rate, I had a lovely simple dream.  We were hanging out and talking about his wife and kids.  [I found him online, and he's very happily married (as I'd hoped) with two great kids.]  We watched a movie and chatted a little, then I woke up. 

It makes me realize the things I do lack in my marriage.  Some of that due …

All I want for Christmas

Bibles.  I'd love a case of Bibles to distribute. 

Oh, you want to get me something? 

I thought about it for a while tonight - all the Black Friday commercials had me thinking.  I only came up with a couple of items. 

1.  Long underwear (top and botton) in 2XL.  The cheap stuff would be great. 
2.  Wool socks for Ron (the thick, hiking kind).  He has big feet so something that fits a men's 10. One pair.  He'd also want Whisker Lickin's Crunch Lovers Tuna flavor cat treats for the girls. 

That's it.  We've got the basics, and that's all we need.  I don't need jewelry, or fancy soap.  I don't do needlework anymore and the garden is dormant.  My reading comprehension is not what it used to be.  I can barely make it though a manual. 

So, long underwear for me, and a pair of wool socks for Ron.  Cat treats for the girls. 

Don't get me perfume (too many headache issues), chocolate (same problem), or coffee (I seldom drink coffee).  I don't …

Calling migraine

I have a horrible headache today.  I got my meds down; didn't vomit, and can use the computer, so I'm not calling "migraine". 

Good news: property tax has gone down by hundreds from last year.  Let's hear it for falling property values.  My house has lost about a third of the value.  Lower value - lower taxes. 

Bad news, the cost of my crazy meds went up, but not horribly - 12%.  Ron gave me $6 and I squealed "Subsidy!" and kissed him.  He also bought me a bag of french fries. 

It looks like I will be doing my handout on Wednesday.  Ron, as of this point, says he doesn't want to come with me.  That may or may not change.  I'm not going to whine or nag.  I can strap the Bibles on my hand cart and take the bus. 

My budget is pretty shot (paid for Doc and 3 months x 4 prescriptions), but I'm not complaining.  The cats are good.  I was able to buy them some more treats.  I also bought some cheap store brand food for the stray cats I see some…

"Someone will think I peed in your seat!"

I need a mother.  Someone to pick up after me, cook me nourishing meals, make sure I have clean socks, and most importantly, remind me to bring my rain gear. 

We had a simple day planned, go to the warehouse, get soda.  Go to work, stock soda.  Go home.  Maybe some other rides later. 

The weather guy had been talking about a cold front coming in, temperatures in the 50's.  Somehow the "strong winds" part didn't register.  The cold front would be preceeded by rain (customary).  The weather started out in the 70's this morning, so I brought my fleece jacket.  I figured that would be plenty.  I figured Ron, who had quoted the weather at me, would pick something appropriate. 

I wore a t-shirt with a fleece jacket and jeans.  Ron wore his twill pants with a sweatshirt. 

Our ride arrived, we ran out.  It began to rain.  We had two more pickups, the rain followed us.  We managed to get inside the warehouse club without getting too wet. 

I got our soda, and the sky …

Anyone's problem

Last night, I got a double bonus.  As you know, I'm battling depression.  Dire sales haven't helped. 

I've also had trouble dropping off to sleep.  For whatever reason, I am basically getting manic right before bedtime.  I'm not consuming caffeine.  I just lie in bed, tossing and turning, getting up to pee every 10 minutes (thank you lithium carbonate). 

Last night, I lay down.  All of a sudden I felt a flying, furry, rocket jump into my bed, meowing urgently.  She (Torbie) then lay on top of me, purring as I petted her with my free hand (not easy, I was lying on my side).   I woke up hours later, Torbie lying on her beloved wool blanket at my side.  I woke up hours after that, I had rolled over and thrown a (rather meaty, I'm afraid) leg over her.  I moved it quickly and she didn't even budge. 

I slept great. 

I got up, took my shower, and did my God Time.  Torbie sat with me while I did some of it, and got a treat or two.  Our ride was late but we made it…

Without Him

At any given moment, I have a couple of triggers that really get me upset and anxious. 

1.  A Ron blackout.

2.  Neighbor kids screaming and kicking the ball into the side of my house.  Unfortunately about 8 feet of the side of my house is the property line.  I did write a letter to the father and he at least keeps the kids out of my yard now.  They would throw the ball into my yard, run around my house screaming, slam open the gate, run around in my yard screaming for a while making rude comments about us, then run out screaming.  I also had other kids (on the other side) looking in my windows so I try to tolerate the ball-kicking.  It never lasts more than an hour or so. 

3.  Loud music from neighbors.  It's not so much the music affecting me, but it affects Ron in a very negative fashion and there's a lot of very loud complaining on his part.  His attitude is worse, to me, than the music. 

4.  Cat bringing home a live rodent. 

So, out of all of that I only had to deal w…

Worth it

I'm not easily shocked, but I always drop my jaw when I hear Christians deriding evangelism.  Jesus made it pretty clear, that's our primary mission.  Mark 16:15 And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature. I'm not necessarily talking about what I do: I feel I do what God has called me to do.  I answer to God and go as directed.  I care about pleasing God.  I honestly don't want recognition or praise.  I might get a grin and a thumbs up for every 10 frowns or "ignoring you"s.  Every 30 drive-by's, and a half dozen "OH, God!  She's coming over to the car!  Floor it!"  I've even seen people make illegal turns on a red light to get away from me.  I just walk around with a sign!  If you want Bibles I'll give them but I don't bite!  I'm not in it for human praise, and that's a good thing.  I don't really get it.  I don't want it.  I worry about pride and ego.  If I get proud, …


"I need your keys" I told Ron. 


"I need to remove this lock, and I need something to push the button down."  Ron handed over the keys, and I used one hand to depress the lock button as I twisted my vending key with the other hand.  Pop!  One vending lock in my hand. 

One very greasy lock, but hey, I don't mind getting my hands dirty. 

That was probably the high point of work; that, and stocking the snack machine.  The rest of it was an exciting challenge in faith.  Only God can help us make a profit.  Coin jammed mechanisms.  Bill acceptors not accepting.  The unspeakably frustrating coin mechanism on the bottled vendor. 

"Ron" I finally told him "What I'd do?  I'd take out all the soda and just sell $1 drinks only, cover up the coin slot and make it Bills Only, Coins Will Jam.  That worked before... but I'm not ripping people off!"  Ron agreed, which was great, but it necessitated unloading dozens of cold s…


I sat in the plastic chair, at the potluck, watching my plate jiggle up and down as my left hand shook.  I had to hold the plate in one hand and eat with the other, but the bouncing due to tremors made that a little challenging. 

My hands are worse than my Dad (more on him in a minute).  My 72 year old Dad.  It was depressing to watch, but a necessary side effect of my lithium. 

Even more depressing to take out my pill pouch (I do like those) and look at the 5 mood stabilizers, one antipsychotic on the menu.  I showed them to Ron.  "I have to take all this plus another just to be human every day."  He mumbled something around his taco. 

I took a deep breath, sighed, and went in search of sweet tea.  I threw the meds in my mouth, took a big chug of tea, and down the hatch. 

It was interesting, though.  Yesterday I took my pills late, around dinner.  I can get a little impaired and didn't want to be "driving" Ron's wheelchair "under the influence.&qu…

Nice things about my house

I'm going to share a little of my house with you. 

My bathroom is about 40 square feet.  It has a garden tub (3 feet by 5), toilet, sink.  It has an undercabinet sink in a medium tone pressed wood veneer.  The bathtub enclosure is lovely. 

When my friend asked what I'd like to see in the bathroom, I told him I wanted something neutral.  I put it all in his capable hands.  I wanted him to enjoy the project and anything would have been better than the falling tiles and rotted drywall. 

He outdid himself, my white fiberglass garden tub (about the only thing we kept, other than the window), is complemented by vertical subway style tiles in a light beige with darker tan grout.  It has a lovely stone tile mosaic border about 3 feet up from the tub line, and a reclaimed marble windowsill (he found a salvage yard and had it cut to fit). 

The walls are blue, but when I get around to painting I will do a light beige to match the tiles, with white trim.  I prefer neutrals in the publ…

A crack pipe, a creep, and a very dead pit bull

"I get it now" Ron told me as I pushed him down the street in our subdivision "I see why you don't want to go out by yourself on the bus anymore." 

"Yeah" I agreed.  "Especially on a weekend afternoon!" 

Our weekend got off to a pretty good start.  The people in #19 like to play loud Spanish music, but it wasn't as loud as it could have been.  It's just tiresome to hear the bass line for hours every weekend night, and one reason we bought a home.  The noisy people are renting, several adults to a 4 bedroom house. 

I blame the landlord.  I wish landlords had to live next to the houses they rent out.  I bet they'd be a lot pickier. 

Anyway, I got to sleep around 10 (later than I like, but I got to sleep).  I had creepy depression nightmares but a decent quality of sleep.  I woke up around 7 with a pretty bad headache.  I took some Excedrin and tried to sleep. 

I couldn't, of course, due to the caffeine.  But, while lying i…

Faith leap paycheck

Today was pretty insane. 

We got to work early.  Praise God we did. 

I pushed Ron all the way down the hall (half a mile) to our area.  We discovered 3 vending machines were down.  One is not accepting bills.  Two had coin jams. 

Ron and I got the soda machine coin jam, fixed.  The second one was more difficult.  I disassembled the mechanism and tried to remount it.  Couldn't.  Handed it over to Ron.  He couldn't get it either.  We ended up making a frantic phone call and getting some help on it. 

But I felt pretty guilty, standing there with the stupid thing in my hand, refusing to mount, or slide back.  Our guy got it in 30 seconds.  On that thing, we need a new coin mech anyway, so we got a quote on that for the State. 

I worked on the "not taking bills" machine but didn't have as much time as I'd have liked.  I'm not sure if I did get it.  Worst case it has a sister machine right next to it. 

Someone left an out of code pastry lying on a table. …

Every Bible

Now and then I am just blown away with what God has done for us.  Not only did He restore Ron after the accident (He's the man I love, and he can do pretty well for himself), He actually used to accident as a springboard for huge evangelism. 

"Every Bible I hand out" I wrote on Facebook "Goes back to Ron lying dead in the road, next to a totalled out pickup truck." 

God brought him back to me, a better man in many ways.  Those who didn't like the Ron of a few years ago would have really loathed pre-accident Ron - the guy Ron calls Ron 1.0.   He detests the man he was and aims to please God. 

He has doubts.  He gets tired.  He gets frustrated.  Ron knows Heaven is so much better than this (he got a peek).  He gets tired of politics, drama, and sorrow.  He hates to worry about money, and he hates watching me battle my illness. 

But he's Ron, only better. 

I don't have permission to talk about who he was, and I probably wouldn't anyway.  I can…

Another leap of faith

At some point in the future, Ron and I will take the money out of the vending machines, count it, and determine how much I get paid. 

Ron pays for everything except groceries and my medical stuff. 

Next week, I see my doctor.  $50.  I also get my prescriptions.  About $100.  I have no idea if we've made enough to cover that, much less other things. 

However, God always has a way of making things work.  It will be interesting to see it in action. 

I'm lazy.  I'd rather just know I had it but that's dreaming. 

Soon: another leap of faith!


I have severe mental illness.  Do you know what bothers me the most about "civilians"?   Ignorance.  Ignorant people telling me what to do, what to take, and demanding I throw away my medication. 

I had another run in lately.  I'm not going to share her viewpoint other than it is criminal.  She apparently had a run in with tranqulizers, and now believes that every psychiatric medication is pernicious and addictive. 

I was praying over my computer over how to respond, and God showed me: she has no concept of the various categories of psychiatric medication.  She thinks every drug is the same. 

So, I was led to ask her some questions, which I will answer myself. 

What is a mood stabilizer?
It's what makes my cat get into my lap.  It balances out the highs and lows of my illness (during one mania, I did not sleep for 3 weeks), and makes life more livable. 

Is a mood stabilizer addictive?
No.  It either works or it doesn't, and it's only used for people with b…

Nice People Go to Hell Video Blog

I also read Ron's favorite tract aloud.


Sometimes I just want to unload, but then I have to think about "my witness". 

Am I showing the love of Christ?  Acting in a way that makes Him happy?  Showing respect to those He created? 

We're not hiring.  However, if we were we would need certain abilities:
Able to driveOwns reliable vehicle Able to do heavy liftingAble to walk long distances unassisted.Able to push Ron in wheelchair as neededAble to pull fully loaded hand cart.  Complete and utter honesty Able to turn off cell phone while working.  Able to climb under or behind vending machines as needed These are just the "off to top of my head" requirements.  I'm sure we have more. 

That's why I find it frustrating when we meet a person with a disability, or someone who interacts with them (a driver) and they assume "Oh, you are blind.  So am I.  You'll hire me."  One driver actually told another client, a very immature young woman, "Oh, these are the people I told you about…

Not so angry dead

You've all seen the movie.  A living person tangles with the dead.  The dead hate the living and try to kill them. 

Not quite.  "It is appointed for man to die once, then the judgement".  I actually got in trouble on a message board for sharing that my husband had a near death experience.  I have confirmation from a police officer on the scene, and the Lifeflight hospital bill ("resuscitation") that Ron was, in fact dead. 

The moderators of the message board told me if Ron had died he would have stayed dead, all other evidence to the contrary.  I felt an overwhelming urge to clunk my head into a wall. 

Clearly, Ron died.  The police officer just a few weeks ago telling me "He was dead in the road!".  Clearly, Ron came back, which does happen with pretty good frequency from what I understand.  I have met other paratransit passengers who say they died and came back. 

I believe, though, outside of "Time to go back because it's not your time …

More about pillows..

Well, the party wasn't too bad.  No karaoke and they wrapped it up around 11. 

Ron and I had a couple of arguments, one about my weight.  It's the same old "I deserve a skinny wife, who is a great cook and perfect housekeeper".  I'd like to see where it says that.  I weighed well over "ideal" when we married, so it's not like I "tricked" him. 

When I am thinner, Ron complains about the time invest in exercise.  He complains I don't want pizza and Chinese food.  He complains I'm not "enough". 

So, I have given up on tailoring my body to make him happy because he will never be happy with it, no matter what I do.  When I am ready, I will go low carb again for my health.  I have a family history of stroke and heart disease.  I don't want either.  Sugar also aggravates inflammation and that's never good. 

Then I tried to wake Ron up to document the racket next door (it got pretty loud for a couple of hours) but he …


I had to write a check to the water company today.  I forget about my hand tremor.  Most of the time it does not affect me, really.  I can type.  I can work, and take care of myself.  But that check looked like ones I used to get from very old ladies.   If I wrote more than 1 check a month that might matter. 
Sometimes I think "I should look into things I can to do cope with it" - not drugs, but simple coping techniques.  If I hold the pew in front of me at church, my hands shake.  But if I tense my hands and loosen them it helps.  It's doing it again, but I can stretch it out and that helps too. 

Today was challenging.  A very late ride to work, a driver who took the freeways during rush hour, instead of the side roads.  A very long ride to work as a result. 

I do get a little peeved, I admit, when they make us wait to pick up someone going to adult day care.  It's like, they can wait.  I'm going to work.   But it's important to the person going and it…

Devil cab

Sometimes, especially when depressed, I "run dry" on blog ideas. 

Other times I fall over them.  Today I read a story of a girl, a Christian, into track.  She refused to run in a race because her number was 666.  She tried to get a new number, the officials refused, so she "walked". 

From what I saw the Christian corner applauded her decision.  The unreached corner mocked her savagely.  I'm not going to do either. 

Now, if you happen to be unreached, or a little rusty, I'll share a little:  The mark of the beast is brought to light in Revelation 13. 

Revelation 13:16-18 New King James Version (NKJV) 16 He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads, 17 and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or[a] the name of the beast, or the number of his name. 18 Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a m…


James 4:6
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” It sounds odd to say I'm working on my humility and giving God credit; but there you have it - I'm working.  How does one work on humility?  Well, for one I think it is immediately giving God the credit; without thought, you just do it.  I am lacking, I take the credit.  Monday, I "fixed" a malfunctioning food machine.  I said "I did it" and mentioned how "I" fixed the food machine.  I didn't mention the prayer beforehand for God's help, and the fact that I really had no idea what I was doing - I just did it and God used my hands to fix it.  Kind of a fail, there.  I wish I had gone straight to giving God the credit.  I think I did a little better today.  Ron's cable was out.  He couldn't figure it out.  I tried everything on my end to make it work but he doesn't have a TV in his room.  "My" TV, in additio…