Showing posts from February, 2009

Garden pictures!

You can find more photos, with captions, here: Enjoy! ((hugs))

Cat's revenge

Cat's revenge.

My black cat threw up last night, in a location where my husband was certain to find it. My husband stepped in it!

Not a day goes by...

Tonight my husband and I had an argument. I raised my voice at him, and he accused me of being manic. I found it funny, but I didn't laugh in his face. During the whole argument, I remained relatively calm, stated my gripes, raised my voice a few times to make a point (mainly STOP INTERRUPTING), and told him to please leave me alone.

If you've ever known an angry, unmedicated person with bipolar disorder, it doesn't work that way. That's why I had a hard time restraining my mirth. Either I'd be sobbing hysterically, screaming invective, battling a ferocious urge to smack him, hitting below the belt verbally, throwing all his past mistakes in his face, not acting like a Christian, or all of the above. Overall I think Jesus was OK with my behavior, especially when I cut off the argument rather than have it escalate.

Sometimes, when you've got 2 people with brain damage, nobody's happy. He hates accomodating my disability, resents it bitterly, and lets …

It's better than being sick

I'm pretty sensitive to my moods; I understand what can set me off, and when I'm going up or down. It took me a day or two to figure out that the nausea I was experiencing actually meant I was "getting sick" as I view it. I have digestive issues when I'm running depressed.

The schedule change, physical, and emotional stress brought on by my gallbladder attacks and emergency room visits made me cycle. I got a mixed episode, up and down at the same time. The up part was a whole lot of talking and wanting to do things. The down part would have been a hideous depression, but was only a little lethargy, fatigue, and general emotional weariness. One warning sign for me, other than an upset stomach, is the fact that taking a shower seems tougher than running a marathon. When I begin to feel that way, it's time to increase my medication.

I whacked it with an extra lithium a day, and I went up on my antidepressant one day. It worked. I'm back to normal. …

I have a lot to be grateful for

Yesterday, I spent a lovely 19-hour stint in the County hospital. I had horrible gallbladder pain and some other symptoms that merited checking out.

I had to wait 8 hours, some little kid beat me up (laugh), I was queasy, I had to sit on the floor it got so crowded, I got stuck with a needle, etc. You'd think, a lot to complain about.

But I like to focus on the POSITIVE. So, here goes. All the good things I learned from yesterday:

I did a great job of packing for my trip to the hospital. 3 paperbacks was actually a few short of what I needed, though. The knitting was good when I felt OK, until I got the IV started. Overall, I give myself a solid "A" on packing well. I was smart to bring my ID card and write out my medical history. I didn't feel so hot at times, and I get quiet when I'm hurting. Most people I meet seem to be a little hearing impaired so that's not good. Copying info off a card? No problem. I had a good friend who WOULD take me to t…

The Plant

I've had this post rattling around in my head for a while. I thought you might enjoy it.

I'm a plant lover. I've always been a plant lover, since childhood. I have happy memories of helping "Mommy" (adoptive) in the garden. Plants were my little friends and I took very good care of them. I even considered a career in horticulture.

I also attended a Presbyterian church, with incredibly boring sermons. To keep me quiet, Dad used to stuff a Bible in my hands when the sermon started and tell me to read it. I loved reading, so it wasn't a hardship. It was a lot more interesting than the sermons, and probably a major factor in my getting "saved" at age 8.

So, I'm a born-again Christian and a plant lover. I also have a very difficult time relating to others. I don't read social cues properly and I have mangled many interpersonal "transactions". I was beginning to get pretty bitter. It's just You and…


My gallbladder acted up again, severely, on Monday. It was pretty ghastly. I went to Northeast; my care was abysmal and they kicked me out, still in agony. Their attitude seemed to be: we offered you narcotics, that's what you really want.

I kept telling them no narcotics. They gave me some anyway. I wasn't happy, and got a horrible headache the next day. One reason I hate narcotics, they give me headaches.

I was diagnosed with my first gallstone at age 18. It followed a soon-to-be-predictable pattern. Agonizing pain in the upper right abdomen for hours, gradually fading. They'd come and go over the years. If I went to the ER, they never said the word "gallstone" but they'd tell me to go home, and take it easy. It wasn't going to kill me and I'd be fine. I believed them. It was true at the time.

Fast-forward to last year. I've lost 55 pounds on a low-carb diet. I've had quite a bit of emotional stress last year, too. Here come…

Why do I do it?

Why do I bother to tell people I have bipolar disorder? Many people are ignorant idiots. They freak out over any kind of "crazy" and make hateful comments, jokes, or worse, dismiss legitmate anger or concerts with a flippant "Oh, she's nuts, that's why".

Grr. Why would I bother opening myself up to those kinds of problems?

Information and education. I suffered for years, with an illness I didn't understand. It almost killed me. Bad thoughts ate my brain. It was horrible. No one ever explained what I had, no one could.

I remember confiding in a high school friend about the turmoil in my mind. "Maybe it's PMS" he suggested. Maybe it is.

When I was finally diagnosed, I scoured the bookstores and internet for information until I had a good grasp of my illness. OK, I am bipolar type one. I have manias and depressions. I have pretty acute manias. I go "up" very high - "Like I'm high on drugs", I'll explain.

I have mixed ep…

Bipolar Adjective

It happened again. I'm on the computer. I'm nauseous because I took my lithium. I had just checked my blood sugar, which was OK. I have to watch my sugars now because my medication has made me prediabetic, and I'm sick to my stomach because lithium can have some brutal side effects.

There it was. A humorous "joke". Ha. The weather in Texas is hot and cold. Hot and cold. It must be bipolar.

First emotion. Anger.
Second emotion. Pain.
Third emotion, hopelessness.
Fourth emotion: despair.

People just don't get it. Even my own husband doesn't understand how hurtful those comments can be. Nobody's making jokes about HIS disabilities, but mental illness is always fair game.

Even my husband, who I think understands me pretty well, thinks it's "fine" although a bit tasteless. I just need to get tougher, he implies.

There's nothing wrong in comparing my illness to capricious weather. Even though I've made major sacrifices to…

Let me tell you 'bout cats in cribs

Some idiots ( are saying that cats in cribs are a bad idea. Dangerous, even. My husband wisely says, some cats are dangerous. I know of one woman who had to put her cat down because it was defecating in the baby's crib - with the baby in it.

Let me tell you about cats and cribs. My experience is unusual.

My mother was bipolar. She self-medicated by drinking. It was a very bad combination, especially combined with some terrible personal tragedies. She was unable to cope.

She was unable to mother. One of my earliest memories, crying and crying in my crib. Filthy diaper. Hungry. Waiting. Watching the sun climb across the wall, waiting and waiting, crying, snotty nose, miserable and so alone. A prisoner, in my crib.

Waiting to hear the door open, and someone's home. Someone who can love me and care for me. I remember trembling with every fiber of my being, waiting to hear that door.

I have another memory. C…

Thank you, big pharm

I can be a little forgetful at times. Tonight, I was eating dinner and watching TV. I ate my salad, ate my cooked veggie and smoked turkey. I drank my soda (diet).

An ad came on "Bipolar disorder can be a challenging illness...."

OH CRAP! I had forgotten to take my lithium! I quickly took it.