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Showing posts from June, 2016

The sweet and cuddly Heather I used to be

I didn't sleep well last night.  Ron was verbally abusive. 

His "thing" if you can call it that, is that I "fail" somehow and therefore "deserve" it.  If he feels hurt (often), or that I'm acting "stupid", then he can unleash anything in his arsenal. 

I actually told him today: I can only believe you love me for so long.  One too many "Stupid f*ucking b*tches" and I stop believing in your "love".   I didn't say this, but it's like the Bible says: blessing and cursing cannot proceed out of the same mouth.  Pretty soon I stop hearing it because it's so hateful and I stop hearing anything you say.  Before I stop valuing anything you say. 

This is what he doesn't get.  I'll "take" it, but I'll put up walls, and I'll stop hearing you.  Suddenly I'm not the sweet and cuddly Heather I used to be.  Duty and loyalty have replaced love and affection, and I wonder sometimes what I eve…

Older, wiser, more bitter

Busy day. 

I know it's an interesting one when I'm standing in my kitchen, talking to an ex-Navy repairman as he disassembles my freezer, talking cats. 

I woke up with an awful headache.  I took my shower and did my God Time later. 

I drank 2 Diet Mountain Dews.  I knew we had to do "truck day" in addition to everything else. 

I also took some OTC headache pills.  My hands were shaking all day. 

I went through my cards and picked one out for a newly widowed man at work.  He is a liaison between us and the plant, and gets to "boss us around" as a result.  Things have been a little strained at times, but, dude, his wife just died. 

I didn't have any condolence cards (I think I got rid of them, thinking, "No one ever dies around here"), but I found a "praying for you in hard times" card I felt would work. 

You know what?  It was a lot better than NO card. 

I stuck that in my purse and went to the warehouse.  I forgot my cell pho…

30 inch

Torbie is virtually completely healed up.  She has a small scar on top of her foot, lost a little "mass" over one claw - actually lost a large, ugly, mass that was a benign something-blastoma.  She is walking fine, and has a small pink scar with a tiny scab. 

She has been hanging out a lot with Ron.  He spends most of his time in bed, so she lays down next to him. 

Biscuit sleeps with me sometimes, generally when I'm taking a nap or something.  He likes to sleep at the bottom of the bed, to my left.  That's generally a pretty safe zone for cats.  Torbie hasn't been sleeping with me, she's been more into Daddy lately. 

Baby Girl is her own cat, but is currently in my TV chair - she also likes to sit on Ron's walker.  She only ever slept with me once, the night Bubba died. 

The fridge.  Is giving me spasms.  I forget if I wrote what happened yesterday.   The guy came out and said the icemaker line had come out of the back of the fridge, he could look fo…

A nap with Biscuit

I slept, without cats, and woke up exhausted.  I thanked God for caffeinated beverages as I drank a diet soda, wondering if, in fact, the caffeine is what's messing up my sleep. 

I don't know the answer to that. 

I was happy Ron had scheduled the refrigerator repair so I could get a nap.  He doesn't understand why I need one every day but I am exhausted on my medication. 

I worry an employer will read that one day. 

Anyway, I got up, took care of business, and went to work.  I took care of the coffee, snack, and food vending machines.  I got the sandwich delivery.  I, basically, did it all. 

Ron got angry because he called for me and I told him my hands were full, I couldn't help him (at that moment).  He expects me to be available, to drop everything, when I am at work even though that means leaving other things undone.  I have done my best to manage both but at times I have to tell him "NO", like when my hands are full, or I am working on the coffee ma…

A trip to the mall

Ron was pretty unrepentant when he woke up.  Said he knew he had had a blackout and didn't seem to care. 

He did, however, say he really wanted to go to the mall "Or we would go some other time this week".  I said no, we could go to the mall today.  He had already cancelled the trip - well, don't wake me up at 5 AM and ask me if I want to go somewhere. 

Anyway, we took a cab there and tried the chicken at the Japanese place.  He has been very disappointed in the sauce of late and felt it ruined the whole meal.  He had been addicted to the teriyaki, buying a couple meals at a time and then freezing them, paying someone to take him to do this, which I felt was wasteful. 

I didn't say anything, though.  He accuses me of being "controlling" and trying to dominate him, ironic because he does just that to me. 

Anyway, it was still "terrible".  He wanted to talk to the manager, but the manager does not speak English and they had nearly 20 people …

"Where are my pants?"

I wonder how many hungover people have asked just that question, some of them waking up in strange places. 

Ron was pretty obnoxious last night but saved the verbal abuse for God.  I do find it amusing he called God a M-F-er.  I mean, Jesus and all. 

He got angry at me one point, looking for the toilet.  Happily, he did not consider anything to be the toilet, that wasn't, he just couldn't find it.  It must be hard to be very drunk, blind, and head injured, crawling around on the floor, looking for a toilet you can't find. 

I verbally directed him, left, go straight, go right, he got it.  Then he fell off the toilet after he finished and knocked a bunch of cleaning products into the bathtub. 

He found his bed, cursing and screaming at God for a while, then passed out. 

I slept OK.  Surprisingly.  I "went under" but had nightmares about him dying.  I'm not stupid, he's killing himself. 

This morning he woke me up asking for his pants.  I told him he t…

"Help getting to bed"

Occasionally the paratransit company will "send" a ride to the cab company.  An independent driver "takes" it, shows up, takes us to our destination, and fills out a little paperwork.  They get paid. 

However, a lot of the drivers who take these trips play games.  More than once, we have gotten a phone call from the driver "I'm far away, is that OK?"  No, it's not OK.  Not only do we have an appointment to get to our destination, which you agreed to when you clicked "accept", we have an appointment to be picked up again and taken somewhere else, later.  If you get us there late we don't have enough time to conduct our business and everything goes to hell. 

We found just this scenario this morning, except the guy said he was downtown, a good 45 minutes away.  Then he "performed" the trip and printed up the receipt so he'd get paid.  The problem: he hadn't even picked us up yet. 

"What, you called them?" h…

A lot about a bag of pretzels

Ron had a tantrum today and threw my bag of pretzels on the floor. 

Why?  I was "rushing" him to "get out of the kitchen". 

I am conditioned to say "I'm sorry, but".  No, I'm NOT sorry, there was water all over the floor and I needed to clean it up.  The condenser pan for the fridge apparently overflowed.  He wanted to ignore it, sit on his walker, and drink vodka, I simply asked him to "please move so I can get on with the cleanup".  He then said he was "tired" of holding my pretzels, and would "put them on the floor" if I didn't get them that second.  I was busy mopping. 

So, he threw them on the floor.  Why?  Because he could, and he wanted to have a tantrum because I was getting between him and his vodka. 

Years ago, Ron was complaining that his vodka was "disappearing".  He was also having blackouts.  I think he even accused me of drinking it.  I told him, I see you drinking out of that bottle l…

Biscuit in my lap

I had trouble falling asleep last night, so I dragged Torbie to bed with me. She occupied the center of the bed and put me out pretty quick.  I kept hearing Doc in my head telling me I needed to get enough sleep. 

I slept pretty fitfully and woke up a little late.  Biscuit jumped into bed and laid in my lap until I got up, which needless to say was a while later!  He was so sweet laying on my lap as I laid on my back in bed. 

He will never, EVER, get in my lap when I'm upright, but he likes to get in my lap in the morning, sometimes.  It's a nice way to start the day. 

He is such a sweet cat.  Someone clearly loved him before he was dumped with Gravy in the woods. 

I gave him his num-num (Friskies Cat Concoctions Salmon and Chicken Liver, if you're interested, it comes in a purple can), and took my shower, shaved my legs and all that. 

I'm still having my period but not as heavy.  Things seem to be changing up a bit, a couple days of spotting now and then an avera…

Why we cope

I'm not a theologian.  I'm an evangelist.  I try to share Someone I don't really understand. 

I just saw something on Facebook: someone talking about how God "Delivered" them from "darkness". 

I couldn't help but think about the darkness in my own life and how I'd like deliverance.  How memes like the one I saw could do a lot of harm to believers and unreached. 

Sometimes God does deliver people. I was delivered from abusive "mothering" at an early age. 

I was delivered from complex, mind-bending, head games at an older age. 

I have, for now, been delivered from Ron's blackouts.  He is drinking more responsibly, but he sure hasn't been "delivered" from alcohol.  Maybe part of that - he doesn't want to, yet. 

Yet.  I remain hopeful. 

My cats have been delivered from cast-off, thrown-away, disposals to a cushy home life with adoring humans.  Biscuit and Gravy, if you'll recall, were dumped right next to a…

Half-damp clothes in the dryer

I woke up tired today.  I think the headache pills mess with my sleep cycle. 

I staggered out of bed, all alone (no cats in my bed), tripping over Biscuit as he had spasms of joy over the forthcoming num-num.  I gave him his can of salmon & liver, then took my shower.  I did my God Time and put Torbie in her box. 

Our driver showed up on time, and I brought wailing Torbie out through the front door.  She's scared of the garage door. 

We got her to the vet and into the exam room.  She settled down when she got her Feliway (it's a cat hormone, kind of like marijuana to some of them). 

Doc came in and examined her, then took out the stitches.  Torbie got a little pissy/hissy at the end of that.  She's a sweet girl but she didn't want anyone messing with her foot! 

Torbie got stuffed back in her box and carried back out to the truck.  No charge to get the stitches out, but we did buy some Feliway. 

The girls like it, but Biscuit hates it.  Torbie has to wear the …

Terrible

I took a nap after I took my pills today.  The lithium can really wipe me out. 

I slept OK for a while but then I had a nightmare about Gravy getting run over (most likely scenario), and got up, depressed, sad, and exhausted. 

I did my God Time, I didn't do it this morning due to the headache. 

I cleaned up a little, and, when it cools down, will finish the laundry. 

Oh, I still feel terrible about Gravy.  I'm having a hard time with his death because I feel I should have prevented it somehow.

Post-doc

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  I woke up with a headache, went to work, did it all, came home, and took a nap.  I got up and did housework. 

I was depressed for all of it. 

Pretty uneventful, except for Torbie getting into my lap during a movie Ron wanted me to watch.  Ron has bad taste in movies and the last one made me cry horribly for poor lost Gravy. 

However, I knew this one was billed as a comedy so I wasn't too worried.  Torbie got in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder, so cute.  I just had to stay there and pet her.  The movie wasn't bad "The Intern".  Torbie left after a while, leaving a nice sprinkling of orange and brown cat hair all over me. 

I went to bed pretty early and, yet again, woke up with a headache at 1 AM.  I haven't "quite" started my period yet, just spotting, so I assume it is hormonal.  I have been pretty careful in what I eat. 

I took some aspirin and went back to bed.  I was able to fall asleep but woke up with …

Without them

Oh, a brutal headache today. 

I woke up with it at 1 AM.  I was sleeping with Torbie, very carefully arranged so I wouldn't hurt her paw, or roll over and squash her.  I got up and took some aspirin with a cold soda. 

I went back to sleep.  Woke up at 5:30, it was worse, went back to sleep.  Woke up at 7, it was really bad.  I could take something else by this point, so I took the OTC headache pills (caffeine + Aspirin + Tylenol) with another cold soda (Diet Dew) and went back to sleep. 

I did my God Time.  That's about it so far, other than cat care: I fed the cats, cleaned the box, and wiped Torbie down with a wet washcloth.  She can't groom herself so I do it for her (her private area seems fine, so I just did torso, legs, head, and tail).  She seemed to feel "fresher" after I finished. 

I put my Fire tablet on the charger.  The battery was really low.  I need to remember to charge it more often. 

I am not so good with new technology these days.  The medi…

Saturday

I guess I hope my blog helps other people understand "the struggle".  The struggle with bipolar disorder.  The struggle with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  The struggle with caregiving.  The struggle with loving an alcoholic. The struggle with living in a verbally abusive relationship.  The struggle to run your own business.  No wonder I'm so depressed. 

Just typing that makes me tired.  I hope what I write helps people to understand you can get through. 

I'm not going to spout any of that "Life is precious" crap because I don't feel that way when I'm depressed.  I feel like life is a prison sentence and I'm serving my time.

No, I'm not going to do anything.  I just feel tired. 

Last night Ron wanted to have a "big talk" with me.  {sigh}  I told him he has GOT TO STOP with the verbal abuse.  He asked me what he was supposed to say, instead of verbal abuse. 

"I don't like that" I responded. 
"Stop." I replied…

"Oh, they're paying for it!"

I need to explain something to you first. 

We ride paratransit, a special carpool service for people with severe disabilities (like Ron) who are unable to ride the bus.  I couldn't get my own service because I do ride the bus on my own. 

Anyway, the fleet is comprised of two groups, the "short bus" contract drivers, who drive the large van with the wheelchair lift on the side, and the contract cab drivers who drive minivan cabs.  Both sets of drivers are basically cab drivers with special training on how to handle people with disabilities and secure their equipment so it doesn't get loose and crush someone when they're changing lanes.  Those power wheelchairs can be heavy.  They answer to a dispatcher and have a schedule of trips they must keep. 

We usually ride in the contract cabs.  Occasionally, since Ron is "ambulatory" (that's stretching it, but it basically means "not using a wheelchair") they will send a regular cab.   Those are …

Worn out

"Ron" I hissed at him as we stood at work "I will not tolerate verbal abuse.  You stop it, or I will leave you!"

I got up at 2 AM, with a headache.  I took a shower and went to work anyway.  I helped Ron as much as possible while doing my own work.  He hasn't had a complaint about my end of things in a very long time. 

I dealt with the phony refund lady, who ate nearly an entire bag of Hot Fries before deciding "They were stale".  I showed her the expiration date, in November.  She demanded another bag. 

"I thought they were stale" I replied, realizing she just wanted a free bag of chips. 

"Fine then" she said "Give me my money".  I was not about to give her another bag of chips to eat, then decide "They were stale" and ask for her money anyway.  I have plenty of customers who LOVE the product. 

When I told Ron about it, he approved.  A while later he called me "worthless" for some reason.  Then a …

"It must be nice"

Image
I wish I could say my Day out went really well. 

Ron gave me enough money for a one-way cab.  I called one of our drivers, who was local.  He took me to the hair place.

I got my "hair did".  As it turns out, I have a very low hairline in the back (down to the back of my neck).  It is a "feature" of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  Because of it, she explained, she couldn't cut my hair as short.  She could, but she'd have to shave my neck. 

I wasn't interested in that so I just left her to do it.  A guy came in after me and she went right to him after finishing with me. 

I will say my hair is a lot better, I just wish I didn't have to compromise.  Oh well, I can say my hair is a lot "better" than some. 

It's always behaved and it has a nice wave and color, even with the graying brown, it doesn't look bad. 

We got some good news before I left.  Ron called the vet to see if he could take the cone off Torbie.  They said no (thank God) bu…

Scar tissue

I went to bed pretty early last night and woke up, at 6, with a headache.  I took some pepto, some aspirin, and drank some cold diet soda (my go-to).  I didn't want caffeine, much at least, because I didn't want to affect my sleep patterns tonight.  Ron did remember to call in the soda order so I have to get up at 2 AM tomorrow.  Eek.

I had slept pretty well, except for Torbie.  She decided to occupy the entire center of my bed.  I prefer to sleep on my left side with my knee drawn up in front of me.  Nope.  Torbie's bad paw was right where I'd put my knee, not to mention Torbie was right in the middle of the bed. 

I managed to sleep regardless but it was rather fitful, as I couldn't assume my "ideal" positions and had to worry about rolling over on Torbie.  We should all be so lucky to have these problems, and I mean that. 

Biscuit is a much better boy, he sleeps alongside one leg when he sleeps with me, which is occasionally. 

After I went back to s…

Frito Pie

I didn't sleep well last night, Torbie made a lot of noise with her "cone".  She kept banging it and scratching at it.  I guess she is feeling well enough to use the foot now. 

I imagine it's a relief to get the tumor off, too. 

Sometime in the middle of the night, Ron and Torbie figured out a way for her to eat treats, and food, out of his hand.  She is very happy about this. 

I saw her drink water so I feel good about that.  I also saw her use the box. 

I slept late, got up and took my shower, did my God Time later.  Our driver is feeling better so he met us at Sam's Club.  They had water which necessitated a 30 case purchase for me (10 water, 20 other drinks).  I hardly got any snacks. 

I put the drinks in the cart, in the truck, on the cart, and into the facility.  I stocked what I could (it was slow, and I didn't have much inventory), while Ron did what he could (drinks were also pretty slow). 

We had enough time to get it all done, even the coffee…

Purr-imeter

You probably have a good feel for my personal and political views by now. 

You can imagine what I thought of a day where I had to ride with a muslim cab driver "I am fasting!", forced to listen to left-wing "news" propaganda about the shooting, AND was forced (by nature of working in close proximity to 2 televisions set on news stations), to listen to the entire presidential speech. 

Now, the Bible says, don't even curse the ruler in your thoughts, and the New Testament says we are to treat them with respect.  I will say, as I endured, I thought of a long list of unpleasant things I would rather do than listen to the speech. 

I got up on time, took my shower, talked to Ron about Torbie, who was very droopy.  She did sleep with me last night in the bed, the purr-imeter seemed to work pretty well.  I rolled up a blanket as a barrier so I wouldn't squash her. 

She seemed very depressed.  I was worried about her, but Ron said she had eaten treats.  I also s…