Oh I am smoking mad at Harris County's LOUSY mental health system

  I haven't been this angry in a very long time.  

Long term readers will remember this but I will set the stage: September 2006, I had just been diagnosed with THAT.  It was a horrific diagnosis as the only person I knew with it was my birth mother, who had a life of chaos and brought death and pain to all she touched.  I did not want that to be me so I was eager to start a treatment plan.  

Everything I read (and I read a lot including a horrible book about some dude's suicidal depression my sister sent me for some God-awful reason) said I would need a prescribing doctor and medication.  But, as now, I was uninsured.  

So we did some research and found out that Harris County had a mental health department (the exact name doesn't matter).  They could help, I just had to bring various documents, fill out an application, submit to an interview, and they would review my case.  If I fell under Schizophrenic, Bipolar, or Depression they would take me as a patient and I would pay a reduced fee.  It was a ways off but we could do it with paratransit.  

Ron was incredibly supportive at this time and would have done anything to see me smile again. So we set up the appointment.  They made me wait weeks.  **I brought the proof of income, social security, and ID card.  I filled out a detailed form with my medical history, date of birth, etc. ** They had all the documentation they needed.  

The waiting room had misbehaving children running wild and screaming, my aunt later said maybe the parents couldn't get a baby sitter.  It was very chaotic.  I was, myself, quite ill and not at my best and the kids made it very edgy.  

Then some turkey pulls the fire alarm and we had to evacuate.  The staff were on one side of the building and we patients were on the other, made sense I guess.  I finally got back in there and did my interview.  **I gave my complete personal and family history, holding nothing back.**  

We left and went home.  They said they would call; they didn't.  Ron called them and ***they told him they had lost my file I would have to redo everything***.  I said [censored] that and we found my doctor.  

It was pretty much the worst experience a person in crisis could have.  It's a miracle I didn't suicide out of that.  

It gets better.  Today I got a letter from these turkeys saying they had a data breach (I thought they lost my file!) and ALL my information was taken including my diagnosis, social security number, birthday was all stolen - back in MAY.  They realized MY data was gone 2 months ago and are just now getting to me.  

I am livid.  Go back and read the starred stuff then come back. I am so angry I want to vomit.  

This agency has betrayed my trust again and again. No wonder so many people refuse to get treatment.  

That's it for now.   

Edit to add: I did have a good experience with the mental health crisis team, and their 800 number.  But I'm still pissed.  

I am committed to showing my flaws here

 I slept well last night considering, woke up early and prayed for Mom.  It never even dawned on me to also pray for my sister until a half hour ago I am embarrassed about that.  

But between the abusive Ron posts, married to an alcoholic ones, and probably the coup de grace the menstrual cup posts my family never read the blog so it's between us.  

Speaking of the cup my cycle has been VERY light.  I plan to just wear the Period brand underwear.  They were fine last night I didn't leak but I felt better knowing they could absorb a menstrual cup and a half worth of fluid if I did. 

My aunt isn't happy I want to use savings to pay for flood insurance but what am I supposed to use?  Not the credit card.  I have a little in checking but $200 of that is for the electric bill and $100 is for candy for Halloween.  I will talk to her later.  

I need to go to the grocery store and figure out what kind of meat I am cooking for the week.  I may get ambitious and go to the meat market in the bad neighborhood, they are pricey but good quality and I like the meat counter experience.  I could go for some links.  

That's it for now.  

Well I did it

 Took out the cup in the bathroom.  I used 2 portable wipes.  I am basically spotting and that's all so not necessary.  

But I was able to take it out and clean it.  

At work Friday night lunchtime

 I have named Biscuit "Galleta" (cookie) for his Spanish name.  I call him that frequently.  

I have decided to name Cleo "Mija" which means "My little daughter" for her Spanish name.

I haven't figured out Spotty yet, open to suggestion.

Moderately depressed but pushing through to quote an ad.  

Cup hasn't leaked and I have not been brave enough to pull it out here at work.  The soap feels wrong like they are cutting it with water so I don't want to risk an infection due to inadequate hand washing.  

That's it for now.  The only name I can come up with for Spotty is "Naranja" which means orange.  

Made it to work

 Had a small hamburger and my pills, early.  I just feel that's better.

Not sure what is on for today but I'll find out.  They have been repairing the bathrooms by the breakroom for a while now hope they are done today.

But at the end of it I work 6 hours, take a lunch, go home and 2 days off.  That's not bad.

That's it for now.

This won't go out to my family

 Waiting at the first bus stop a truck pulls on behind me and idles for a good 5 minutes.  I kept looking back at him and had my hand on my stun gun.  He was not waiting on anyone.  

I was about to go over and take a pic of the license plate and he moved across the street a little farther from the bus stop.  Waited there until my bus came.  Did not follow me to my next stop.  

Next time I will take a photo.  

Friday morning

 I didn't bleed last night so it may be like the cycle I had this past summer, one day the cup was full and then nothing.  I'm still wearing the cup (I plan to wear the cup daily until I have hit exactly one year without a period) and the period underwear I got for $2 on clearance a few months back.  

It's been 3 months since my last cycle.  I am so glad I did not have this in CA because I forgot my cup, and Mom had a lovely handmade quilt on the guest bed along with perfect white sheets.  It would have been catastrophic.  When I get up from my chair I am going to put one of my extra cups in my travel bag.  It has various things I need to travel, in it. 

So tomorrow Mom goes to Florida to see her Mom, who is not doing well.  Grandma is 102 so it is expected but I imagine still plenty of issues.  She has already outlived one of her children.  

I will be praying for Mom (and one of my sisters) to have a good trip out there. 

I need to take my shower.  Did that, did my God Time.  Spotty got up when I was reading my tablet and "helped", then curled up in my lap for a while while I read.  Then he got down and Biscuit got up.  It was a very nice start to the day but has me wondering what horrible thing is going to happen that I need to much love from the outset?  

I am drinking my protein shake, then get dressed, do up my candy for the day and make a sandwich for lunch.  That's all done; did up my candy too.  

I did forget my medication for dinner so I will do that now.  That's done.  Last night I was a depressed wreck WISHING I had it with me.  I think I'll be OK tonight 

I did put one of my extra cups in the travel bag.  

I am led to pray for Mom and her trip so I will be doing that.  The plan is to get up early about 7 AM my time 5 her time because her plane leaves at 6.  Then pray for her until I hear she lands.  I just feel led to do this.  

I also need to pay the flood insurance (Ron always called it the "Blood" insurance) this weekend.  That's it for now.  

Still pretty depressed

 The worst in a while to be honest.  

I will be glad to get home to my cats.  I won't spend much money tonight after work for sure.  

My friends all enjoyed the story of Mom taking me for a 3 mile walk every day.  

That's it for now.

Still a little bit off

 But they have my cat food and a lot of it.  Also found out where I can order dad a hat.  He likes hats.  I would wear one but it has the Walmart logo; they don't want me doing evangelism in that 

I did hand out several items on my way in today.  And they have my cat food I will focus on that.  

That's it for now.  

A little depressed

 I guess because I went from all this love and hugs to just me and the cats in Houston. 

God will get me through it.  

It also works on the pride, too.  

I have several things I need to do before work, deposit some checks at the bank (birthday gifts), go to the pharmacy.  My pills are a MESS I need to get that sorted.  They need to contact Doc about getting me one month  refills instead of 10 day ones.  He did 30 pills NOT 30 DAYS.  

Between us that makes me wonder if I should be looking for another doctor.  I just basically need refills on everything nothing new.  I figure (accurately, I feel) if my cocktail got me through losing Ron and my job in a 3 day period it will get me through pretty much anything. 

Well God gets me through but the pills sure help!  

Dad also wanted me to apply for Medicaid so I need to work on that, too. He wants me on Food Stamps too but I don't think they will give me much.  But I need to work on all that. 

But first I have to do my errands and then work my shift.  

[later]  I did that, had horrible depression tonight.  When I got home I took out my menstrual cup and AHA.  I will wear the cup tomorrow and also the period underwear in addition.  Day 2 (and 3 on my last cycle) can be pretty epic in terms of flow.  

That's it for now!  

I slept OK last night

 When I woke up in the middle of the night I didn't have any cats but other than that it was fine.  

I had Cleo with me during my Bible study this morning:  

She is probably the largest cat I have ever had.  

Getting ready for work.  I may do a little grocery shopping after work tonight, before I come home.  I haven't decided yet.  

That's it for now.  

My parents had some friends over today

 Apparently they were all talking about me, the evangelism, etc. and thought it was pretty cool.  

My issue is not letting those comments swell my pride.  I do what God wants me to do, no more, no less.  God has something for everyone to do. I also had a bus driver tell me "all of them were asking where I was" last week.  

PRIDE!  PRIDE!  CANNOT have pride that makes me USELESS.  Also I don't like arrogant people I would hate to be one.  

So tonight I had some issues with my washer - it's OK I think but it certainly sent me running to Jesus.  

Hopefully that was enough to squelch it.  

I'm not doing anything special; I'm just going where I'm told doing what I'm told to do.  If anything good comes out of that it is God working not Heather [last name].  

I just go.  

Wednesday afternoon

 I handed out dozens of bags of candy with evangelism during my vacation.  On my way home, the Denver to Houston flight there was a woman talking on her cell phone who continued to talk during takeoff.  She spoke in English and Spanish.  I just so happened to have a Spanish.  I really had to give it to her when I saw she was reading Sylvia Browne.  

The author did a lot of "spirit guide" stuff that is completely against the Bible and will send you straight to hell.  So I gave the candy as I got off.  She took it.  

I didn't really have anything to eat when I got home last night so I had Jack run me by the pizza place.  I forgot pizza can give me a headache and it did.  It began pouring rain as I was bringing out the pizza.  

Next time I will plan better; maybe have a few TV dinners in the freezer when I go.  I have a lot of raw meat in the freezer.  

This morning I got up, did a little of my God Time, took a shower (not in that order), had some cuddle time with Biscuit, did up some candy and went out to the grocery store.  I had long waits on the bus which I found tedious after being driven around all week.  The first driver said "Oh THERE you are, we were all talking about you last week".  

I guess I can't get up to any trouble on the bus!  They all know me!  I got to the grocery store OK.  I bought two big bags of candy and one smaller bag that seemed to have some watermelon candy which should be popular with my demographic. I will see.  

I got a gallon of milk, some lunch meat, and some bags. I paid up and left.  

Jack drove by while I was at the bus stop.  He had one of his adult daughters in the car, and his brother.  They waved and said Hi and he told me he would give me a ride home when they finished. I said I was OK.  

As far as I know my cart does not fold down so that would be a problem if I did take a ride.  Not to mention I did not want to unload 23 pounds of candy and then load it back up again. The bus came and took me home OK.  He parked kind of far from the curb at my stop so I asked him to flip out the ramp, he did that cheerfully and I got the cart off OK.  Then I rolled down the street back home.  

The dog next door barked as I went by, and the other dogs that always act like they want to eat me.  I have tried being nice to those dogs but they are very aggressive I think because I smell like cats. They are German Shepherds which can be either a really good dog or a really bad one.  

When I was a girl I saw a neighbor boy mauled by a German Shepherd.  She was put down of course but that leaves a mark!  

I am just not a fan of big, barking, dogs.  

I got all my stuff put away and washed.  I left my bathing suit in my shoulder bag I would only use that on a trip to see Dad.  

I will explain a little about my family.  My adoptive mother was married before she married my Dad and she had 3 kids.  My birth mother had 2 kids before she met and married my Dad.  

So I have a half-brother almost 20 years older than me, a half-sister about 15 years older than me (she is the one in the cult we have very little contact, but my brother and I are friendly),   My adoptive mother had a girl 5 years older than me, "C"; a boy 2 years older than me; and a boy 3 years younger than me.  

"C" has been very successful and had a house built in Florida recently.  She is also a cat lover and has some small dogs as well (cute breeds not the ankle biters). We all had lunch one day and she mentioned next year Mom and Dad could fly out to her place, I could fly out, we could all hang out in Florida. It is doable for me because Southwest has a decent amount of flights coming out of Houston Bush.  

But thinking on it today it is cheaper for Mom and Dad if they use their credit card miles and buy me a ticket.  That way they only have to pay for one ticket to them and back vs. the two of them across the country and back. Also I don't like the idea of them traveling a lot even though Mom has done a lot going to see her mother the last few years.  

Dad is happy to buy the ticket because he knows what I make working for Walmart. I have told him, when asked, on a couple of occasions. 

Speaking of Walmart it will be interesting to see how things are when I get back. Did my sick coworker ever come back?  How is everyone else?  

Sara was so excited to get the loaf of sourdough bread.  I froze it before traveling so it wouldn't get squashed. It looked good when I gave it to her.  I am glad I did that.  

Remember the backpack that never came?  I got a refund on it and re ordered it and it did come in CA, so I tossed my old one (it had broken zippers) and brought the new one back to Texas. It is purple with some reflective stripes on the back.  I need to leave a review I am very happy with it. 

That's it for now.  

Biscuit when I got home

 

I dropped my bags and took this. 

Sorry for poor quality that's my phone.  

Well I didn't get probed this time

Uneventful flight home. 

No TSA probes.  I brought a loaf of sourdough which I gave to the cat sitter Sara.  Cleo came out for her which is as we all know is huge.  Biscuit was afraid of her but Spotty and Cleo liked her.  Very glad I hired her.  She came by right after I came home (she was going to feed them) but I paid her instead and thanked her profusely.  

I did not sleep well most nights.  They have a grandfather clock they both love but it was very loud.  The first couple days they had a lot of plug ins but I was getting raging headaches so she pulled them. Other than that we all had a lot of fun.  

Some nights we ate out some we did not but good food.  Now that I'm back I will get back to better food.  

I am still pretty energized.  I had Ace get me and that went very well.  I got a backpack from Amazon while at Mom and Dad's and that was good for travel.  

That's it for now.   

Bought a huge loaf of sourdough

 It is delicious.  All 3 of us eating it😂😂

Good times!

Mom is taking me for an hour walk every morning

 Having fun.  Handing out a lot of candy.  Dad gave me the wifi password.  😂😂

That's it for now.

Made it here ok

 Mom has an air freshener in every room which is a lot but I won't say anything.

Dad is giving a presentation today that should be fun.  They are both sharp and get around well.  

That's it for now!

At my gate

 Forgot my menstrual cup (not bleeding and no PMS symptoms)

Forgot my jacket

Got probed at TSA she didn't like the looks of my thighs on the scanner.  😂😂

Otherwise uneventful.  Jack was right on time.

I slept pretty well considering

 I only had one problem,my phone didn't charge so I have it going now. It's got about 40 minutes to go. I need to take a shower, do my God Time, eat, get dressed and I am ready.  

I have to pack my tablet and cell phone charger then I am done.  Cats are good, Cleo and Biscuit got in my bed with me. 

[I also want to do up some candy for my travels today]

I have the bad feeling my carry on is too big and will have to be checked but we'll see.  I have 5 bags of candy (that's just "going to work" for me) in my backpack.  

Working on a headache but I took some Excedrin.  

That's it for now!  

I will do mobile blogging.  

Its my day for surveys

 They finally tracked me down for the employee one.  43 questions rate from 1 to 5.  Rated 4 for most that should keep them happy.  

I don't believe it was anonymous so I was very careful answering the supervisor ones.  

On my lunch.  

Got another survey from the bus company

 I told the truth: that I felt VERY unsafe, that the buses and shelters were disgusting, said their "woke policy regarding homeless" is driving off paying customers.  We will see if they do anything.  But I spoke.  

Waiting to clock in.  Jack confirmed tomorrow with me.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to work

 Had fun handing stuff out on the way.

Work is doing some kind of EULA to use the wifi now so that is creepy.

I did remember to get trash bags and also the candy bar for Ace.  

Pretty tired.  Drinking an iced coffee which reminds me I need to cancel the backpack.  🤔

Tuesday morning

 I finished up work and got home OK.  Sometimes I'll be on one end of my commute and it feels so long and I just think "Oh I can't do this".  

I have had 2 drivers "steady" for the last month, Monday to Wednesday. There is a bearded white guy a little heavy maybe 35 or so, and a younger white woman with red hair.  The guy was flirting with me a little it was cute/funny. I don't think he is seriously interested but he was asking additional questions when I told him I was going out of town.  

All the other drivers I tell them they won't see me for a week, I'm going out of town they just say have fun; he was asking where I was going, etc.  But that's the last I see him for 2 weeks, I ride home with Ace today, leave tomorrow, get back Tuesday, have Wednesday off, Thursday and Friday I work nights.  He did say he had plenty of candy. 

He didn't but I love it when they say they have read the literature and liked it. I don't get it very often though. 

I need to take my shower. That's done, God Time, etc. 

One thing I have been doing some mornings, I get up about 3 hours before I have to leave. If I have 10 minutes or so before I have to leave I will lay down again.  Cleo got up on me, stood on my liver, purring. She's pretty cute.  

I sang (very badly) "You are my kitten" to the tune of "You are my Sunshine" and even that didn't faze her. She's a good cat. 

I got them back in the treat habit so they will be ready for Sara. 

That's it for now. 

Not a good morning

 I have a female coworker I like a lot.  She is from another country and has poor English but she is very sweet and a hard worker.  One day she gave me something from her lunch; some kind of rice ball, when I had a migraine and it fixed me right up.  I know she is diabetic.

So when she came to me complaining of dizziness I did what I could.  Boss walked by and I told her then went to break.  When I got back boss had store manager with her calling 911.  

I volunteered to bring them in.  Went outside and flagged them down thinking how much this reminded me of Ron's death.  They took her out on a stretcher that's all I know.  Please pray for her, medical peeps, family.

Boss has been OK today.  I am on lunch.  That's it for now.

Feeling better

 Not sure what that was about.  One of my buses was delayed but I still got here in good time.  I just got the sour "Don't give me anything" driver for my last trip.

I was pretty drowsy so I got an iced coffee.  Hoping that will help but still allow me to sleep tonight.

Store seems pretty quiet we will see.  That's it for now.

A little bit off today

 I don't feel well today, nothing specific though.  I hope I get over it before I have to leave.  

My 3 cats are all part white and Biscuit's legs are dirty again. I would love to know what he's doing. 

I did my shower, God Time, breakfast. I need to make my sandwich for lunch and get dressed, do up the candy for the day.  

I slept a little better than normal but not great, though. That's it for now.  

My watch died

 Boss is like "why aren't you at lunch??"  Good question.  

I won't have any time to go when I get back!

Strange fact: 2 different people have brought orange cats into the store the last week.  I did pet the kitten today, he was cute.  I hope I washed off the scent.  😂😂

On break.

 Mean boss off but came in anyway.  Probably why they pay her big bucks.

Staying busy. Mood OK.

That's it for now.  

Thinking some about my birthday

 I was thinking about my birth mother and presents.  About half my formative years she forgot my birthday.  The other half I might get a card and a $25 check, one year someone claiming to be her sent me flowers, other times I would get random odd things like a broken gold bracelet.  One year she sent me clothes that didn't fit, I assume because she was too proud to ask my stepmother for my sizes.

I was always looking for her gift and not valuing gifts from my adoptive mother and Dad's Mom.  I could handle her neglect every other day of the year but always felt she would surely remember the day she birthed me.

That is just very sad.  My adoptive Mom was busy with her own kids but she at least made an effort.  

That's it for now.

I did not sleep well

 But I feel rested enough.  I took my shower last night and also did up the candy.  

I did up my budget this morning I am OK. I am wondering about the backpack and if I will ever see it.  But it's on my wish list so a family member may have already bought me one.  

The funny thing most of what's in my bag is gifts, and candy to hand out which is also a gift.  So my bag will be pretty empty coming back!  

I don't know if the boss works today she usually has Sunday off so I can hope?  She is not a bad person just very ambitious and driven and I am not. I am more a hippie - a lot like my brother - I work hard at whatever you have for me but I am not ambitious in the least.  I am happy to be a worker bee. I did the manager thing and I hated it.  

When I've lost people it was sudden with the exception of the one grandmother who disowned me, she had a horrible long lingering death.  She always said she was saved but she was plagued by untreated schizophrenia.  She would not accept the diagnosis. 

Maybe I should watch "A Beautiful Mind" with my Dad when I get out there.  

That might be fun, movies I am planning to watch: Alien, Aliens, Terminator 1-3.  The sequels to both series past that are not worth watching in my opinion. Dad hates Vin Diesel so I won't be watching Pitch Black but I do like that.  "The Moments After" a rather cheesy rapture movie.  That's about it. And another movie that is an answer to a security question on my email so I will not say it. 

My adoptive grandmother is actively dying but my adoptive Mom wants to stay for my visit as the nurse says she has at least a week or two. So that is a little weird for me. 

They didn't have any ideas for good food places on the peninsula but I mentioned maybe we could go to Half Moon Bay after Huddart as I don't think that is very far in a car.  

I will be able to do mobile blogs but I can't figure out mobile pictures those will have to wait until I get home.  I have to get ready for work, that's it for now.  

Saturday afternoon

 So the bags are pretty much packed with what I can do ahead of time.  I can't do the chargers yet or my tablet because I use it for Bible Study every day but short of that I'm done.  

If I'm ambitious I'll do up the 13 (minimum) bags of candy I will need up until then.  I did have a homeless man the other day asked for "another' bag of candy. I don't recall giving him the first bag?  Anyway he said he "really liked the little book and had been reading it" so I was happy to hear that.  One reason I deal more with the less desirable bunches I think the odds of salvation are probably higher.  He had a good time eating candy, took his shoes and socks off, picked at his feet for a while, went back to the candy.  But it's not on me.  I give it that's it.  

And pray of course I pray a lot for my recipients. The grocery store was packed I was glad I was in and out pretty quick there.  

If I have a little more time with a recipient I tell them I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack, that we never know how long we have, or our loved ones, it is important to say and do whatever it is RIGHT NOW because we DON'T know how much time we have left.  And everyone agrees with me and they're holding the candy so I feel like I did my job.  

The cats are good.  Cleo got spooked by a bag of treats and got a little feral, wouldn't let me near her,but when I put the treats down she calmed down.  She probably wouldn't make it in an average home because she is pretty skittish but she loves being a house cat just on her terms.  And I'm OK with that, Biscuit is also special needs.  Spotty is my only normal cat and he is a little dim.  They say that about orange boys.  I am very happy I have 2 nice bags of cat food, lots of treats, some wet food for Sara to give them.  

If something happened to me I would want Sara to take the cats. She is that good a person.  

It's raining right now but not hard.  Hopefully enough to make the tree and my plants happy.  I think my purple wandering jew will survive the nuclear holocaust. It laughs at drought, high temperatures, floods, subzero weather, all of it. Ron had a personal vendetta trying to kill it for years he put salt, Roundup, everything trying to kill it and couldn't.  He's dead and the plant is still going!  I guess I could have put him on the plant at the ultimate insult.  

Speaking of did you know cremated human remains look almost exactly like clumping cat litter?  I was amazed.  I kept looking back and forth from Ron to the litter box and wondering how many bitter spouses put the ashes in the litter box?  I did not.  He is in the urn, what I didn't send to CA and Galveston.  But it is striking.  I thought they would be whiter and more powdery like fireplace but they are more granular like the cat litter.  

Who knows maybe he is in the trash and the cremation place gave me cat litter instead.  I don't know. 

I have been meaning to share that for a while. I am debating trying to take a nap again.  

That's it for now.  

Some things you carry with you your whole life

 I grew up in the San Francisco Bay area during the mid 80's.  At one point we had a serial rapist in a white van targeting all sorts of women, dragging them in the van, driving somewhere secluded, raping them, throwing them out like trash.  It took them months to catch him in the meantime all women in the area were terrified if any sort of van got near them.  Myself included.  

Also when I was hospitalized for depression back in 1988 there was another patient who had been abducted by a man in a van who did horrible things (which she told me) before throwing her out in the middle of a busy city block naked and covered in motor oil.  She said she had to walk 2 blocks barefoot begging for help. 

So I have a "thing" about vans. You can imagine what I thought when I saw a ratty old white van with deeply tinted windows pull up in front of me next to the path I take to the bus stop.  I would have had to pass very close to the doors in order to go the way I normally do. 

So I walked away from the bus stop, far around the van which suddenly drove off. And boy I was kicking myself I did not have my stun gun!  

I had to wait a while at the various bus stops to go to the store and realized, to my horror, I had forgotten my water bottle.  I was not a very perky kitten when I got off the last bus so I ran to a drugstore and got a Gatorade, drank it on the way to the grocery store. I was OK by the time I got there. But I won't do that again!  

I got some Pulparindo (take that, spell check!) to take to CA it is compact and travels well. 

That's it for now.  

Early Saturday

 I had a migraine the day I took this and had been working for a while but here it is;  

My hair always looks very light in photos but is a good medium brown with white in real life.  It reminds me my mother (when I was a kid) was a bottle blonde. She had naturally dark brown hair but began dying it in her 20's because she went gray early (considering her life not a surprise!). I very strongly resemble my Dad though.  

I don't know if I mentioned this last night but I had a problem with all the couples in the break room. Walmart employees pair up like that (snaps fingers) many are married couples work in different departments.  So there is always one table with a couple of lovebirds leaning into each other, laughing, talking, eating together.  It was just really hard on me last night which is interesting as I don't recall having an issue the other 3 years.  

For a very long time I had a hard time on breaks and lunches because I would always call Ron on my break and lunch.  First on the pay phone, and then on my Ham radio (got my license in 1995). We were very active on ham radio repeaters they had a lively business in the late 90's.  And I would talk to him if I could.  Then on my cell phone. 

I am trying to remember the last time I talked to Ron from work. At the end he wanted to sleep when I was at work so he didn't want me calling anymore.  But I remember so many hours talking to him on the phone gossiping about customers.  

By the way last night I had a cute young couple with the cat lady starter kit, a box of litter and a litter box. I asked if they had a new cat and they said no their stray cat had kittens and they needed more boxes. They wanted to try one box and see how it went before they got more.  I agreed that was probably the one thing customer service wouldn't take back, and one box per cat plus an extra box worked for me, even though my guys only use 2 of them regularly.  It was fun talking to them, I really enjoy interacting with customers.  

I am just trying to rest up today I am pretty tired.  I need to go though my carry on and pull out ANYTHING I don't absolutely need.  

My adoptive grandmother is in terminal kidney failure on hospice now so my adoptive Mom is on red alert.   That's going to affect the visit.  But Dad and I are basically planning to watch movies, although they are also planning to take me to Huddart Park in Redwood City to see the woods Ron loved so much.  They put some of his ashes out there.  And while we're in the area I am going to see if Windy City Pizza is still in Burlingame.  

Son of a!  They are CLOSED. Permanently.  [bad bad word]  It was bad enough I lost Little India on Broadway in Redwood City.  That's the only food I wanted to try, Little India and Windy City.  [sigh]  Glad I found out now I used some very bad language. 

Hm. I will have to ask my adoptive sister if she has any "Peninsula" ideas for good food now that my 2 are out. 

The nice thing about Huddart Park, by the way, they have trails you can drive for people like my Dad who can't walk very far. They even have a wheelchair trail. 

I am going to lie down again for a little bit. I am just really tired today. 

Late Friday night

 I made it. I am tired, though.  

I am running a load of clothes when they finish I will throw them in the dryer and go to bed. 

I never got the backpack. I am starting to give up hope. I have a backpack I can take to CA I was just hoping for something without broken zippers.  On the plus side no one is going to rob me.  

I bought myself an Astros hat to wear on my trip.  I like it, I will try to get a photo.  I like it has a big letter "H" on it.  It was labeled "Men's hat" but I liked it better. 

And the washer just finished so goodnight. 

I got a lot done

 I went to the bank and told them I'd be traveling they put a note in my file.  I paid the water and gas bills.  

Then work.  I would be lying if I didn't say I get a pang when I see all the couples in the breakroom.  It is hard.  They are not into PDA's but they are smiling, laughing, talking.  I do miss that.  Even just talking to Ron on my break.  

(Sigh)  Other than that a good night.  No headache.  

Last night a team lead gave me a rolling rack and I proved I can't drive.  I almost took out the bank manager, a couple of customers, and a few associates the last of whom forcibly took the cart away from me!   OOPS.  

Glad I have tomorrow off hoping I can sleep in.  Ace is getting me tonight I plan to feel him out about the airport trip.  If nothing else I need him for a ride home Tuesday after work.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 I don't get my sister.  She's been in a cult (Watchman Nee) my whole life and told me once it was her fondest dream to get me in it, too.  Failing that she planned for me to move out to her town and be her live in caregiver.  No thanks.  She has many problems I think are emotional in origin. 

I cut off contact some years back but God led me to resume contact right before Ron died.  I sent her a Facebook request which she ignored.  So I guess she wasn't feeling too forgiving.  

In the meantime our brother (who I love dearly) got back on Facebook and has been posting a lot.  She is his "friend" so is seeing stuff I write to him, I don't care about that.  Now she has sent me  Facebook private message.  I'm going to go look.  

A link to a "cat group" but she could have been spammed and it could be a virus.  No thanks.  

I ordered a backpack a couple days ago Amazon is saying it is lost now.  We will see if it comes today, if not I will cancel and get my money back (first time I have done that if I do).  If it comes after I leave Sara can put it in the house for me. 

Spotty has been super cute today. Biscuit was in bed with me this morning with his leg on top of mine. I haven't seen Cleo but I don't generally see her in the morning, I don't take it personally. I have a different rule book for my Fabulous Former Feral. She had a rough start; poor things were born in February so I don't know how Mama Cat kept them alive.  Mama cat was likely someone's pet who got thrown out when she became pregnant.  She moved out after The Pipe Break and went to a neighbor to be their only cat.  When they moved they took her with so I feel good about that. 

It is so important to fix your animals before they need it!  I felt terrible waiting as long as I did to neuter Spotty but the low cost clinic hadn't opened yet.  I had to pay big bucks at the vet. I actually calculated it was cheaper to take him to the vet than to pay cab fare to and from the nearest low cost place. At the time. While he may have gotten someone pregnant I didn't know about it. 

And from what I have seen showing cat pictures everyone likes the orange cat better anyway. Everyone always makes a big deal over Spotty but not the other 2. 

I need to take a shower, will be back. I did my God Time now I need to pay the water bill.  Paid that, paid the credit card.  Just need to pay the gas bill at work. It was cute I was on the phone with the water district paying the bill over the phone (their online is a mess) and Spotty came in meowing at her.  She told me she was a cat lady was thrilled to get meows from the Spot Man.  I thought that was so cute.  

I am going to lie down for a minute, get dressed, do up candy, and go. That's it for now.  

On lunch

 Tired from the headache which is gone.  

Trying to think of the things I need to do tomorrow as it's the last weekday morning I have off.

Talked to the bank I can put a travel note on my account.

I need to pay the gas bill.

As far as I can tell that is it.  

Mean boss is off tonight so I am trying to enjoy that and do a good job.

But mainly profoundly tired which is standard for coming off a migraine.

That's it for now.

@the comment I deleted I have lost about 80 pounds and gained back about 30.  So still 50 pounds ahead. 

Headache is a little better.

 Long ride in on the bus but OK.  

One thing I have realized I have a bad case of caregiver burnout.  I am DONE.  If it is something minor then sure.  Anything more I am not your person.

It started pouring after I got to work.  I just have a BAD, BAD, feeling about using Jack the day I leave.  For a ride. I will be riding with Ace tomorrow night and will beg.  

Headache still around but not as bad.  Hoping mean boss is off or goes home at 4.  I need a break.  

That's it for now.

Thursday morning

 Headache moved off long enough for me to sleep but came back.  80% chance of rain today driving that I think. Good news I shouldn't see much of mean boss assuming she even works today.  

I had a nice cuddle with Cleo last night.  She is a very sweet little girl, still shy but very cute.  She likes to prance around on my chest in the middle of the night.  She is also starting to approach me when I am on the computer, for pets.  

I didn't get my backpack yet but they said today. I think my old one can hold up for another day.  

I got some fat pants out of the garage and will see which ones work for me.  What I am wearing now is already uncomfortable and Dad likes to "spoil" me by feeding me decadent carbs.  So I will need a little room to expand (I can lose it when I get back). 

Oh I feel terrible.  I'm going to take a shower and see if that helps.  

I have some instant ginger tea packets they have sugar and ginger I made some and will drink that when it cools down.  I also made some regular tea, hoping something sticks to the headache.  

I need to get that shower. It is overcast but not really "thunderheads".  So I don't know if/when it's going to rain just that my phone says 80% today and I CAN'T BEAT THIS HEADACHE.  

But in my opinion the nights are easier than the days so I have that to look forward to. 

Done with the shower and God time.  I had Cleo and Biscuit with me during that him in my lap.  Cleo is very intrigued with the concept of getting in my lap.  All in good time.  She has stood in my lap but not laid down.  

It is time for more Excedrin so I took that.  Hopefully that will get me to work at least.  

After I finish my shake I am going to lie down for a little bit and then finish getting ready.  That's it for now.  

The first day I really felt like going home sick

 I have friends all over the store and the lady in grocery told me about the Snickers markdown.  So I got some nice 8 ounce bags for $2.50 each.  

[I can't eat chocolate due to violent, week-long, vomiting migraines but I like to see other people eat it]

So I passed some out at work (one co worker screamed with joy), put the rest in the freezer, and handed those out to my drivers on the way home.  You have never seen such happy drivers. I had already given them both several Gospel things each so I felt fine giving it without today.  

I, on the other hand, had a miserable day.  Horrible migraine all day long.  I wanted to go home but didn't want to lose pay, piss off the boss, and pay for a ride or ride 2 hours on the bus.  I drank a cold lemonade on my lunch along with a Gatorade and that helped.  I managed to get home OK, lay down for a while, headache came back!  I got up and took some Excedrin and I am feeling OK now but wondering how I am going to sleep after all that Excedrin.  

My backpack is falling apart so I went ahead and ordered one today which is supposed to come tonight.  I am excited to get it. I really need it I haven't had a backpack like this in a while - even homeless people have better bags!  

I may just go to bed and pick up the bag tomorrow although I am hoping to get it before I go to bed tonight.  I want to do a test spot with my waterproofing spray.  If it works then spray it down tomorrow before work and leave it in the garage to cure while I'm at work.  

I'm going to bed early.  Later, taters.  

This is the worst I have felt at work in a while

 And it never once dawned on me to tell my boss.

When we were dating Ron would be very sympathetic when I had a migraine.  After I moved in he would call me "sickly" and verbally abuse me.  So I am sensitive about sharing.  I do the stoic thing.  

But it shows in my work today so I may need to say something.

On the treatment side more Excedrin, 2 real lemonades, a good lunch (not queasy praise Him), and a Gatorade in case my electrolytes are off.  Hopefully that gets me through the last 2 hours and then home. 

That's it for now.  If you pray I could use it!

Working on a pretty nasty headache

 It got worse after Petting and Kisses with Biscuit so I am blaming allergies.  But I work at a Walmart so I bought generic decongestant, generic allergy pill.  Hopefully that and the Excedrin will do the trick.

We will see.  Boss here today but seems OK.

The girl who does the grocery markdowns put me on to some clearance Snickers and spearmint breath mints.  I love all things Spearmint so that is awesome.  

I really do hope I beat this..worst case I will leave early which I have never done.

Wednesday morning

 So Sara came by for the instructions. That went great.  She did see Spotty but the other cats hid.  She is a very kind, calm, woman so I think that's the best for the cats this time. I feel good about her. I gave her a key and a "down payment".  

I will give her the other half when I get back.  

It also dawned on me I am fine having 2 keys out there in case of the rapture they can come and get my Bibles. I did not say this of course.  

Weather says thunderstorms tomorrow so I may need to pay for a ride to work.  I will talk to Jack and Ace see what we can do.  I haven't gotten my (daily email) bank statement yet so I can't really work the budget yet. I very seldom pay for a ride to work these days.  I feel like God wants me riding in and handing out material so I do that. 

I have handed out a lot of stuff the last 20 years (thousands) and plenty since Ron died (at least a couple thousand). It may rain again Saturday so I am glad I don't "have" to go out and buy candy or whatever. 

I did ask the Post Office to hold my mail while I'm gone. I have some Scripture booklets coming and I need that. I feel like I am pretty much ready to go and that's great. 

Shower time.   

Time to go.  My boss really makes me dread going in every day and that is sad.  I don't expect work to be a fun place but I shouldn't dread it.  

That's it for now. 

Writing really keeps me sane

 So this morning I handed out a lot of material on the way to work, that made me happy.  

I actually ran out.  I called Sara (vet tech who will be watching the babies) on my break and she said she could come by today after I got off work to get the key, etc.  I had already bought some mixed grill and the foam plates I serve it on.  I hit the ATM I am going to give her half now (she said pay what seems fair and I think she will be nicely surprised because nothing and no one is too good for my fur children) and the other half when I come back. 

So we will just go over the routines.  Give her the key.  

So work.  It started out OK.  But at times my boss does this "call me a liar" thing that reminds me - our working relationship really reminds me of Ron at times and in a truly awful way.  So I was doing something that needed doing.  She came along, what are you doing.  I told her.  "It looks fine" Because I did the thing.  She does that at times, I tell her something truthful and she says it is not. 

This is probably one of the reasons she cannot retain good workers. She just had another one transfer to another store.  They all say she's crazy.  One called her a bruja.

So, moving on.  She gives me very vague instructions, I do what she did say and take the rest to God and decide I am going to do it this way.  I work away at it, it is not an easy job which is why she dumped it on me.  And I'm getting hot flashes which is no fun in that horrible vest. 

She comes back suddenly - she does that trying to "catch" people screwing up.  She takes a look at what I did.  "I didn't tell you to do this".  "It made sense to me". She looks around "Very Good" then an hour I kid you not of picking at me. 

When I asked - I have to ask, I can't just go in her world - she said no at first then changed her mind, but when I got back acted like I betrayed the family.  I have to eat. I had to have a bowel movement but I did not tell her that. I had to get off my feet and legally I am entitled to it. But it is tiresome.  

She also does the "thing" Ron did where you get a little praise and then a lot of criticism. I used to tell myself with him "If you believe the nice things you have to believe the negative". And I have not yet taken the survey. It didn't come up. 

But I feel like I should get additional pay.  They don't pay me for this they pay me to do something else. She is not a bad person and I believe she is born again but she is very ambitious and driven.  Not everyone is.  As I was leaving I heard her talking to the store manager in an ingratiating voice.  

I paid for a cab home so I could take care of my business. But I sure hope she has tomorrow off.  

I got the wet cat food I wanted, the foam plates, a larger bag of treats. I was very happy about that. 

At work

 Sink is out in the break room.  Ick.  

Boss is here and stressed.

I had an iced coffee and a can of regular dew.  Hopefully that will produce a good energy level for me.

Someone is microwaving sausage and it smells divine even though I'm not hungry.

I gave away over 10 tract/candy things this morning so I bought a couple of full size Snickers for my home drive.  They have already gotten the Gospel.  I have them in the freezer so they won't melt on the way to the bus stop; chocolate melts at 76 degrees and it will be 97.

I need to do up candy tonight before I go to bed.  🤔  Maybe a dozen.

I am still trying to figure out if I can bring candy for the flight out.  I can only have 2 items but I think I can make room in the outside pocket of my carryon.  I would love to hand it out as I go but we'll see.

That's it for now.

Red flags

 Probably the biggest Ron casually mentioned his ex had a restraining order on him.  He admitted he had "hit her back" as well.  Oh and he used to beat up another ex but it was her fault for being so cringy.  And a friend had a talk with him so he didn't do that anymore.

Drinking: he admitted to binge drinking to violent blackouts but that was all in the past too.

Cheating:  he admitted to cheating on his women and having sex with married women. 

And I still ran off with him.  I am having s hard time forgiving myself.

Early Tuesday

 I slept OK until midnight when I woke up with a headache.  I still have it even after the Excedrin and hoping a hot shower will help. 

I took a peek on the app and my pay looks good coming up.  I should be OK even after paying the bills. That is good because I want to be able to buy candy when I'm out there, and airport food if warranted, maybe pay extra for the early seating on the plane. 

Only 6 more days of work. 

I am debating taking my antidepressant now as it can aggravate headaches but I don't want to take a chance of having a Bad Day.  I went ahead and took it. 

I need to change the filter on my water pitcher so I am doing that.  It doesn't purify the water but it helps and the cats like the filtered water.  I need to get more filters. They aren't much about $10 each in a 3 pack. 

Work has been a little tense our team leads have been agitating for us to fill out a survey.  They didn't tell us (I found out on my own) but if it is favorable they get bonuses. I have tried to do it on my phone a few times and it hasn't worked.  Eventually I think they will call me back to personnel to take the "anonymous" survey.  

1. I don't think it's anonymous.  

So, what do I say?  I see 3 options.  

1. Tell them the unvarnished truth how they are reluctant to give breaks and lunches, encourage people to work off the clock,  Terrible management overall.  Who gives unwanted hair style advice?  My boss, that's who.  
2. Tell them modified truth.  I am leaning towards this - on a 1-5 maybe give them a 4. 3 on some issues. (On a side note one of the bosses brought in donuts, then encouraged us to take the survey!)
3. Lie and tell them what they want to hear, because nothing will change anyway.  Bonus on that since it is not anonymous I will look better. 

We'll see if it comes up today. 

Head is better, glad I took the antidepressant. Going to take my shower. 

 On my way out I am making a mental note here to do a blog on the red flags I saw with Ron when we first met, and how I talked myself into ignoring them.  There were a lot but I had no one to talk to and didn't think they "mattered".  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch

 Boss is a little cranky and caught me eating my nuts.  I carry a baggie with mixed walnuts and pecans in case I get hungry, I did, I pulled out the bag and ate a handful.  AHA!  

God save us that's ALL you have on me?  

Really?  

Other than that the day has been fine.  Tired and cut way back on caffeine.  Hoping that makes for better sleep tonight.  

Someone brought a cream female shorthair cat in a bubble backpack.  I heard the meowing and said Hi.  The owner (an Asian lady) was thrilled.

As they say, Welcome to Walmart.  😂😂

At work

 Some guy on the bus with his hand down his pants giving me a big grin as he pleasured himself.  He didn't finish, as near as I could tell, but YUCK.

Not as bad as the time Metrolift client Sonia got in the backseat with Ron and tried to unzip him.  

Ay yi yi.

Up and at 'em

 I have not slept well recently I think it goes to caffeine intake.  I will go easy on the iced tea today.  

I need to shave my legs today; while I wear long jeans every day for work and it "shouldn't" matter if I have stubble the compression socks are very uncomfortable if I am not clean shaven. 

I woke up a couple times in the middle of the night one time I was wondering "Does my plane really come/go from Bush or did they do Hobby by mistake?"  So I got up and looked, it is Bush. 

I am going to get going on my shower.  I like to pray in the shower I think it starts the day right; then do my God Time, make my breakfast (a protein shake), get dressed, and do up my candy. Which is why I do get up at least 3 hours before I have to leave every day.  

Interesting, it is 9/11 and all the Bible study was on spiritual warfare and God's judgement. Biscuit got up in my lap while I was reading and praying. 

After, I found out that Cleo likes the poultry flavor party mix treats so I will get a big bag for my cat sitter. I want them to think "Oh boy, she's here!" not "Oh no!" run and hide. I don't give them treats normally but I will bend my rules.  

I need to get dressed so that's it for now. 

I have to laugh at the way I pack.

 So I'll have a backpack, it's an old one but does the job and it is distinctive looking.  It will have my medication, some toiletries, disinfecting wipes, etc. I will wear my menstrual cup by the way. I can just take it out 2x a day and wash it with plain soap I will also bring. Chargers, etc. will also ride in there, wallet, a couple of books, my tablet, you get the idea,typical stuff.  And my Bible.  

Not so typical is my carryon which is about 1/3 full of gifts for Mom and Dad (cute stuff I found on clearance), 1/3 clothes (I am bringing about 3 days of clothes and can wash and redo), and 1/3 evangelism.  I have single use plastic "handle" bags (can't find those in CA, not easily), lots of tracts in 2 languages, 5 pound sack of pinata mix, etc.  Mom is going to get the sandwich baggies which I also need for the candy and I plan to buy the small M&M, Snickers, and ideally some Skittles they have out now for Halloween. 

Well I'm glad I checked...when my Dad fixed my name on the reservation he made all new trips for me, so I am going all over the US as opposed to going to Dallas and then Sacramento.  Nope, I go to Vegas. Then on the way home I go to Denver.  I don't have much of a layover in Vegas either.  I guess people in Vegas and Denver need the gospel more than Dallas. 

I like to see myself as flexible but it was QUITE a shock. The only real problem I foresee other than maybe missing the plane to Sacramento (going) is I might get there in time for the flight but have to check my bag because all the overhead bins are full.  But I don't have anything really "melty" (I have some hard candy and fruit chew type stuff but that ought to be OK on the tarmac) so that would be OK.  As long as I get it back!  

Otherwise we're going to Walmart, Baby!  LOL  I think I will put the evangelism stuff in my backpack, that, I can't lose.  But socks, underwear, t-shirts?  That's fine.  

And I get 10% off all that stuff. Ha ha. 

Big pharm has a new ad out about a drug for people with Alzheimer's agitation.  That strikes a little close to home for me.  I am glad they have a med but in my experience good luck getting the loved one to take it!  

I am going to take a nap. 

That's it for now!  

Saturday night

 Well my headache went away long enough for me to go get my candy. I laid down for a nap, had Cleo visit (she likes to visit when I am in bed), but I woke up with a bad headache kept trying to nap it off, got up at 3 and took Excedrin, laid down again for an hour, still pretty bad, got up. 

I hung up some clean clothes. I hang up everything. Then I finished packing. I managed to get everything in the shoulder bag.  A dress, bathing suit, 3 days of underwear and socks, gifts for them, 3 tshirts, a pair of shorts, and a little bit of toiletries.  I will pack my backpack tomorrow, that will have things like my medication, wallet, ID. I can check the shoulder bag if needed, but I will keep the backpack with me at All Times.  

The headache is a little better now but still in the background.  I think it may be allergy related; I took some nasal spray and a Cetrizine (generic Zyrtec).  Hopefully that helps.  

I went out to check the mail but the mailman is down the street, hasn't gotten to my box yet.  Let's go see now. I got all my bills already for the month.   

No mail.  

I talked to Mom tonight and encouraged her to see herself as a caregiver.  She is taking care of her elderly mother (from afar), her husband (Dad is very stubborn and has a couple of ongoing health conditions), and 2 bipolar adult children.  That's a lot. 

I am doing laundry and going to bed early.  I did finally beat the headache I think it was mostly allergies. 

That's it for now.  

I lost my temper

 I resent a lot of the immigrants' (all of them not just the Latinos) attitude coming here and demanding this and that extra special treatment.  I had one last night got angry I spoke to her in English.  I explained I don't speak Spanish (somewhat of a lie as I can speak a little) and explained what she wanted again in English, slower, as I know many Latinos who understand English but don't speak it well.  Her husband/boyfriend snapped "We don't speak English" in perfect English and they stomped off.  So I guess for them it is a political thing; they speak it, they just don't want to.  I kept my cool.  

Today I went out with my handcart to the grocery store.  I left later because I was battling a headache and some depression.  I got to the store, got my candy, checked out.  I got to the bus stop and who shows up but a man in a wheelchair.  

Now the city buses I ride can take 2 wheelchairs each.  When you board you make a turn to the left and there is an aisle with 3 seats facing each other across the aisle, those seats fold up and they can secure one wheelchair on each side.  The driver already had one wheelchair so he got the other guy loaded, THEN I got on with my hand cart and told him I was only going a few stops.  

Someone got off at the next stop and used the back door.  The wheelchairs on each side made it impossible to pass me and my hand cart.  Someone rang the bell for the next stop, a pudgy latino guy with a huge piece of very nice looking luggage. He came right up behind me rather than get off at the back door.  I couldn't move to either side due to the wheelchairs so I told the driver I'M GETTING BACK ON DON'T LEAVE ME and got off the bus so dumbo could get off.  

"Next time" I snapped at him "Use the back door!"

Then I got back on the bus. I'm not sorry I said it. Then I rang the bell for my stop when we got there and came home. 

So that's what it looks like when I lose my temper these days. 

Saturday morning

 I forgot the magnesium again but I still slept pretty well.  We got some much needed rain last night. I have a window today, rain right now, rain later, should be OK in the middle. 

I just plan to go buy more candy. And more cat food which I just did.  

I am very strict about cat treats, I think they are addictive trash and took years off my cats' lives but they do serve a purpose.  My cats are very fearful about visitors and some treats can go a long way. So I did order some treats (compatible with Biscuit's diet) for them when Sara comes to take care of them. They like Party Mix brand so I got the chicken and gravy one. 

I don't do fish, in my experience fish is toxic for a male cat and will get him blocked.  Biscuit was eating a salmon based wet and dry foods (both) when he got sick. So were my other 2 cats - eating fish protein based cat foods, got sick, did not recover . 

I got 2 bags that should hold me until I get back and/or the store gets their shit together and actually stocks it again. 

I need to take my shower. 

Did that, did some of my God Time.  I am very tired and battling a headache but it's going to rain later so I have to get out now. 

Getting ready to head out...

I needed soap anyway

 And we had a nice artisan type bar 2 for $4.  I got one and am curious to try it tomorrow.  

If you are a Bible reader I feel a little like Elijah after the prophets of the false god got killed.  

But I will be OK.

 Well..I had my hair down when I checked in with my boss.  She noticed and made *several helpful suggestions* on how I could make it "look better" including blow drying it straight - I have never used my hair dryer Ron used it for defrosting the freezer at work 😜😂😂- and doing a comb over in the front as the hair is thin.  

THANKS I know it is thin in front.  😜

Then I got a text message from the church in response to my request for a ride - he basically said attend the church for a while - HOW if I don't have a ride!!!- make a female friend and maybe she could help.  Made me feel unwanted for sure.

OTHER than that my night is going well.  I got Ace his giant candy bar.  Could not find Biscuit's cat food so I will order with Chewy.  

Going to go eat my sausage.  A friend got me a cup of coffee so I am hoping I don't get indigestion.  

That's it for now.

At work

 An hour till I start.  I bought a gallon of plain iced tea and a cheap cup.  Drinking that.  

Woman with the bugs also was picking at her bare feet and touching things.

My rides are disgusting and awful.  But I am stuck.  I do it for Jesus because I figure someone is getting saved out of this.  

But it's not easy.

At the transit center

 Another passenger slapping and stamping out invisible bugs.  

On my bus.

God save us.  

I have handed out 5 bags of candy with tracts.  🤔

Up and at em!

I have eaten a lot of bad things lately and my digestion has gone to hell. So I am eating some keto,high fiber, toast this morning to help things along.  Last year at my parents I got constipated and then when I finally did go it clogged the toilet for a minute! That was very embarrassing but 2 slices of the keto bread fix me up in no time:I plan to have it for breakfast every day I'm there. Sorry for all the details. 

People at work are figuring out the new TV. Last night they were watching the new Avatar movie.  It seemed very depressing,what I saw. I went out in the back hall to get away from it and read my little "Bible Study on John" book I keep in my vest. I just don't like violence. 

I also get a little sick of "Happily Ever After" love stories. It's not that simple.  I don't want to get bitter but I need to FIX MY HEAD before I start dating, if I ever do. I need to be OK by myself, genuinely OK, before I even think about it. 

And this is why I set that 5 year rule back after Ron died. I'm just not ready. For one I'm an abuse survivor, I have brain damage, mental illness, etc.  I have a lot on my plate. It's not about what I want, either, it's what God wants for my life.  

On another note I don't think I have told you about the Cat Food Saga.  So they changed up the displays in Pets (department) and totally revamped the dry cat food aisle.  I can't find Biscuit's food (Iams Urinary).  I asked an associate and she said the store has 6 bags on hand but WHERE?  I have looked EVERYWHERE.  If I can't find it today I am going with Chewy.  They still have a pretty good amount but I need to start looking NOW.  

I had all 3 of them in my bed this morning. That was nice. 

It is funny I can hear all my neighbors leaving every day between 6-7 every morning. The guys across the street (2 houses) leave even earlier. 

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch

 Personnel caught up with me and made me do 2 hours of training videos most of which don't apply to my job.

Mood is moderately depressed and unmotivated but I will push through. 

They redid the cat food and don't have Biscuit's food.  Someone said we had 6 bags on hand but where?  So I may go with Chewy.  But it is discouraging.

Things will get better...

Tired

 But like the song says "Wake up, you need to make money!"

On break.  Time to go back.

I got Mom some more socks

 She is almost 80 this will last the rest of her life.  😂

I hope I can fit everything in my carryon.

About to start work.  Thinking about the man issue and what Paul said in the Bible how a single person is happier and can focus on pleasing God.  I want that but my heart is lonely.

There was an old man on a riding cart = disabled just lost a son.  He was about Ron's age.  NOPE on a couple of counts but I feel bad for him.  I wouldn't mind talking to him but he is at a vulnerable place right now.

He gave me his number.

My head is a mess; I will take this to Jesus.  That's it for now.

 I need to work on my relationship with men.  I am not chasing them but I get very flustered.  

My crush from a few years back took his lunch while I was back here.  He is a team lead/assistant manager.  He was talking to someone one day and made it CLEAR he would never date an associate which made me feel better.

I still get a little flustered around him because he does have some nice mental qualities.  I have heard him talk to other people about binge drinking in his off time.  So that's my deal killer 

And the nice policeman rode my bus again and when I gave him candy made a comment about his wife eating the last bag.  So I gave him an extra.  

There is someone else I like but he is Off Limits for a couple of reasons.  But I feel I am not putting God First and that is Very Important 

I made Ron an idol and I don't think I have fixed that.  I very much need to do that!  

If I meet someone I Cannot put him before God.  I wish, times like now, I could take a pill and be done with love altogether.  

Except Biscuit.  💕

I did it again

 This was a couple days ago but for some reason didn't publish.  

I went to bed around 7. 

I woke up at 8.  It was light out. I panicked, thinking was 8 AM.  I was on the verge of calling my boss to tell her I'd be late when it dawned on me it was 8 PM, go to bed, Heather.  I did this before a year or so back.  

Other than that I slept OK except for waking up a few times. I cooked some of my sausage this morning. I had The Beggar in the kitchen pestering me (Biscuit).  He was begging for sausage but he has never had sausage.  I am not sure what that is.  I don't think he even likes pork. I did give him a splash of milk, though.  He is OK with that. 

I want my own lunch today, something low carb. Something fresh.  

Thursday morning

 I keep waking up at night, I need to start taking the magnesium again. Other than that I did sleep OK. 

I work tonight it shouldn't be too bad. I was thinking this morning in bed that I can definitely call myself "helpful" I go above and beyond to help almost everyone. If it is a drunk/drugged out/mentally ill homeless person they are out of luck but everyone else I help. Customers seem to like me and co workers, hopefully my boss likes me.  

I found some of the lollipop she likes when I was cleaning up and gave them to her in a rare still moment (she is "always moving"), she was pretty happy to see them.  She is at a good weight I think all the running around at the store.  

I plan to cook more sausage today for tonight's dinner that is delicious.  I was teasing a Muslim coworker I am friendly with when she walked in on me eating it in the breakroom. I pretended to cover it up and said "Don't look [name]!"  She started laughing. 

I need to cook up that sausage.  

Then shower.  

And I did my God Time. It was really sweet. 

First some background, yesterday as I was prepping the material (Jesus stuff) in candy to take Biscuit got up on the bed and knocked it all down.  I had It was a Pleasure to Meet You and The Debt Paid all over the floor, then he sat on my candy, etc.  This morning he put his claw in my foot for some reason. So I wasn't happy with him but I wasn't overly angry, just a little annoyed.  

He got up in my lap as I did the Bible study and Cleo got up on the cat condo next to my chair, both of them purring and asking for pets.  I don't pick up my cats, never, in my life, have I met a cat that enjoyed being picked up.  I let them come to me for pets. So they did and I did. After Biscuit got up Cleo kept thinking about getting in my lap.  I could see her thinking "Biscuit sure seemed to enjoy it".  She put one paw in my lap and then another, a third one and then standing in my lap! I petted her and she purred for a few minutes and then left.  That was nice.  

I am ready to go; did up my candy, have water, drinking Gatorade, have a snack for travels, work vest is at work in my locker, phone on hand, keys for me, keys for Jack. I think it's important for a neighbor to have a key and I trust him more than the other neighbors.  

For some odd reason two of my coworkers asked for all my cough drops yesterday.  The one lady I understood she is on dialysis and has a funky dry mouth all the time, she says her mouth tastes like metal and a cough drop is better than nothing.  I carry them because the isomalt isn't as nasty as the other sugar free sweeteners and I like the taste (menthol). The other one just wanted me to give her something I think.  I like them for dry mouth.  

That's it for now!  

 Work has been OK

$1 Clearance wool socks I HIT. THAT.

Hopefully an uneventful rest of the day and a boring ride home.

I will put up a picture of the socks later.  

Made it to break

 Got myself some nuts so I have a keto snack.  I need to be eating right for a lot of reasons.  

I have the sausage and cheese for lunch.  That's it for now.  

I always say

 "Oh this horrible thing happened"  But this was pretty bad.

On my break 2 hours in.  I get a bag of teriyaki jerky and a bottle of water.  Go to breakroom.  Jerky is very hard and off tasting.  

I look at the bag and it EXPIRED.  IN APRIL 2021.

I had to throw out a lot of expired product in my vending days.  I didn't like to throw money away but I didn't want to make anyone sick.  

I got a refund on it but hours later am beginning to get queasy.  

I am LIVID.  

At work

 Feeling depressed and un motivated.  I am counting on God to get me through the day.  

Store manager did not work yesterday but did show up today.  Not very motivating for the worker bees.

Boss had a couple days off and back today.  I don't know how she'll be.  

Worried about my budget I don't want to piss it away on little stuff.  Brought my tablet to do Bible study so I'll do that.  

God may have been working me up to this for a while

 The pastor on Sunday at one point said alcoholics go to hell.  

And I have been thinking about it.  As we all know I had Stockholm Syndrome with Ron and I wouldn't hear a word against him for a very long time.  It took an awful domestic violence murder to make me realize Ron was an abuser, the killer said "You made me do this"while he was killing her and I could see Ron doing that.  And looking back on his behavior toward me I could only classify it as abuse. 

Did he have any fruits of the spirit?  Not really. He talked the talk but did not walk the walk. He never read his Bible, listened to sermons, or prayed unless he wanted something.  He never sought God's will, he did his own thing and asked for God's blessing on it. At times he could be a nice enough guy but nice guy doesn't get you into heaven, and what about the times he kept me up all night screaming verbal abuse and beating  me?  I shouldn't have had to be afraid of my own husband.  

So I could see him going to hell.  That may sound awful but there it is.  No one earns their way to heaven and I just don't think Ron made Jesus Lord of his life.  He wanted salvation but he did not want surrender. 

Something to think about.  

I slept pretty well last night.  When I got an iced coffee after work I asked them to make it half-caf and they did. I could tell because I got tired around 7 and went to bed right after talking to Dad, went right to sleep as well. I woke up a few times but not as much.  

The cats are not sleeping with me I think it is too hot for them. But they will love me in the winter. My legs did feel better for wearing the compression socks. If they hold up I will put up a link for you.  They are really pretty and girly which is really nice. 

My tote bag is ripped so I had to find a new one today. I like reusable bags so I did find one in my stash.  I am very hard on my bags none of them last long. My backpack has a strap that's ripping but it still works, and I put a new backpack (purple!) on my birthday wish list which I sent to my family. Not only that I mentioned I could really use a new backpack to my aunt - she will pass that along.  The bag is only $30 so I don't feel bad asking for it and she said I should wait and allow someone to gift it rather than buying it for myself.  So I have a hot pink/dark pink tote bag today for my lunch bag and candy. I don't have a lunch I will get something at work but I plan to buy some more sausage today after work.  

Something AWFUL happened this weekend. I had bought 2.5 pounds of the Bo Jackson mild link sausage. I love it that much. I had also bought half a pound of their beef link sausage for a co worker who "doesn't do pork" (not religious). 

This weekend I took out the bag with ALL the sausage and set it on the counter, took the beef and put it in the freezer and left the other 2.5 pounds sitting on the counter all night and half the next day. So I can't eat that. What a loss.  Not so much the money but the deliciousness.  

But my friend did get the beef sausage yesterday and I know she will love it. 

I plan to get more sausage after work.  

I need to take my shower.  

All done, pretty much ready to go.  That's it for now.  

I kept forgetting this story

 So our family restroom is being repaired right now at work and parents are having to adapt.  

I loved the family bathroom because I could go in and help Ron.  If I took Ron in the ladies room they would freak.  If I took Ron in the men's room they would freak. Sometimes we would wait for the ladies room to empty and sneak him in there, if someone came in after us we waited for them to leave and then take him out.  

My Dad effectively became a single parent when I was 2 but my mother and older sister were still around.  They left when I was 3 and Dad was on his own.  Oh, we're at the grocery store and Heather has to pee.  What do we do?  I remember him taking me in the men's room and the men would yell at Dad even though he told me not to look and took me in the stall.  And Dad couldn't go in the ladies room.  So he would wait with me outside the bathroom and flag down a nice looking lady and ask for her help.  

I remember waiting with Dad as he evaluated all the women walking by and sometimes he would just grab a passerby not bathroom bound and beg for help.  "Her mother left us" was always good for assistance.  

What nice ladies. I remember a parade of very kind, mostly older women helping me do my business. 

Happily work was pretty boring

 So I finished that out and came home.  Ride home was pretty uneventful but the bus was on a Sunday schedule so I had to wait longer.  

I talked to the guy at the coffee shop and he said they put 4 shots in the iced coffee so I asked for half caf and half decaf.  I stayed awake for the ride home but looking forward to going to bed so I think I did that right.  

I got 2 clearance dresses ($3 each) but they show my strapless bra in the front, too short (I would have worn that over leggings), and too tight.  I am washing them and will put in the closet I think I could put it over a black t shirt and leggings once I lose some weight. I will show on a hanger in a couple days. 

The cats are good.  Biscuit met me at the door like a good boy. 

I got my compression socks: 

I like them, they are in the wash. 

Staying up waiting for my Dad to call he went to the movies today. That's it for now!  

Monday lunch

 Well I made it to lunch.  

Really tired today.  Staying busy.  I found 2 cute $3 dresses on the clearance rack had been there about a week.  I can buy anything that has been out longer than a day.  

I need to work my budget so I stay careful

 That's it for now.

That was an interesting ride to work

 So I'm at the transit center, in the dark, sitting on the bench.  A crazed looking homeless man runs up screaming profanities, stops right in front of me, leans over me and starts groping around by my butt.  

I'm in shock but I manage to say "Excuse me!" Indignantly.  

He explains he slept on the bench last night and must have dropped his cell phone.  He utters another profanity and produces it, then slowly backs away.

Interestingly enough there was a uniformed law man with a baton riding the bus with me to work.  

BUT I LEFT MY STUN GUN AT HOME.  WON'T DO THAT TOMORROW.

I can't make this stuff up.  

And yes I gave the homeless man a Bible Promise Book with some candy.  The officer too.  👍😜

Early Monday

 I slept better last night.  I really like my hair I will have an "after" photo taken today.  

I got up and first thing did up the candy with Bible Promise books; then did some packing.  I did 1 pair: leggings, shorts, jeans.  3 t shirts.  Have jeans for the flight.  Haven't done underwear yet.  1 dress.  I might do 1 more legging and 1 t shirt.  But so far everything's fitting in there with the candy and tracts. I need to put my flats in there, though.  

I hadn't talked to my parents for a few days and they were eager to hear about it.  I really liked the church, like their passion for evangelism, they are a "dress up for Jesus" kind of church with long dresses or skirts for the women and I only have 1 dress like that.  So I will need to figure that out.  We have long dresses at work but they generally have a frisky neckline which I clearly can't do.  

I did look at the thrift store but I didn't see anything.  Poor thrift store.  They open in less than an hour and everything is half off, that's going to be mayhem.  

I forgot to charge my phone last night but it was only down to 70% so I got it on the charger, it should be OK.  

I need to take my shower. 

I did not budget enough time to do my God Time this morning.  :(

Church went well

I woke up with a nasty, persistent, headache which has not gone away.  It's in my right Sphenoid sinus cavity.  I went to church anyway, it was interesting.  

I think my uncle felt they could have been a little more welcoming but everyone seemed nice.  It was a little confusing getting around but we found our way to the sanctuary.  The man sitting behind me had a lovely bass singing voice.  

I am tone deaf and felt bad for the man, and my aunt (next to me) hearing me sing. I didn't think about it this morning but for a long time I would (silently) cry at church during the singing for some reason, but I did not, today. 

The service was nice, old timey hymns and they had several musicians and a nice choir. The message was on point and the pastor clearly grieved about the plight of the lost going to hell.  It is nice to actually encounter people who care about that. No one in my day to day cares about that or evangelism, God, spending time in His Word, etc. So it was a nice change. I felt like it was a good place. 

I spoke again to the man who does the Bible Handouts (how nice to see that in the bulletin!) and said I would like to sign up, showed him the picture of Ron and me, and told him I would leave the neon orange "garment of praise" (a Bible joke, in Psalms one writer talks about God taking his spirit of heaviness and giving him a garment of praise instead) at home and wear something more sedate.  He said he would love to have me. 

My aunt and uncle liked the message (the pastor did run long though) and didn't say anything about errors so it must have been OK by them. We went out to lunch after and I came home. 

A sponsor had sent me Bible Promise books,I had 2 cases of them, the support socks, and my bottle of Green Gobbler drain cleaner on the porch when we got home.  

I have been trying to nap after taking painkiller at 2 and some decongestant, etc. at 3. I did get the socks and my other laundry in the wash. I plan to wear the socks tomorrow.  

I have some "fancier" jeans and my aunt suggested I just take my basic $11 ones when I see my Dad so I will do that.  

We said goodbye and they left.  I am going to try to nap again with the cats. 

Early Sunday

I have been having fun with my aunt and uncle.  They are truly good people.  

I think my favorite moment my aunt and I are in my bedroom standing in front of my closet discussing clothes to take on my trip, and Biscuit's up on the bed next to us "participating". He knows my aunt and she's not grabby and didn't even speak to him (she's just not a cat person, she doesn't hate them but she will not seek them out).  But it was very cute him up in the "middle of it" especially as he is so fearful around "strangers".  

Speaking of strangers some other cat tried to get in the cat door this morning and my boys Dealt With It.  They ran out the cat door, there was some yowling and that was it.  

We went to the thrift store right after the check dropped and all I got was a jacket. It is more fitted, a denim jacket, I think it will be good to wear on the plane. My aunt got it for me. They had a pair of neon yellow jeans that screamed "I am manic". They are having a 50% off sale starting Monday at 5 AM that is going to be crazy. Even full price at the thrift store is a good deal. 

We had some good meals and I handed out over 20 things which made me happy. I gave some to the server at Chilis and asked her to take it back to the people in the kitchen and when she came back she said it was a big hit!  That was fun. 

We are going to the church this morning. They were doing a Bible Handout at my store a few weeks ago which you know caught my attention.  We will see what they're like. 

One thing I appreciated about my aunt at the thrift shop she would tell me if something was too much with the neckline.  A lot of bigger sized clothes have low cut necklines I guess it's a case of don't look at my butt or belly look at my cleavage instead.  

She gave me a haircut which I like. I will put up a photo later but here is one of me before the haircut. I put up my Halloween decorations early this year. 

 I like the door wrap it is cute, not demonic.  A lot of that Halloween stuff is positively Satanic. 

That's it for now!  

Saturday afternoon.

 My legs have been bothering me at night after work. Last night lying in bed I swore I would get some compression socks.  I found some cute assorted pink ones with good reviews so I went ahead and pulled the trigger.  It's not the foot it's the calf.  Foot is fine.  

They come tomorrow so I can wear them Monday.  I'll keep you posted, if I like them I will put up a link.  

I have some around here somewhere I need to dig those up. 

[later]  Wore them all morning with my cargo shorts I was a sight.  But my legs feel better. 

My aunt and uncle came over and we ran errands, got the key copied, went to the bank who suddenly decided they would take the check after all.  That's a big load off.  

We went to the thrift shop but nothing really grabbed me except a cute denim jacket.  They went back to the hotel to take a nap. 

I got a cute Halloween door wrap I like a lot.  I will try to get a photo of me with it. 

Cats are good Biscuit gave me some loving when I got home and laid down for a bit.  

I saw a strange brown and white tabby going in my backyard but he didn't go in the house (75% sure I saw nuggets).  

That's it for now.  

Very early Saturday

 I was zoning last night (making it look good) when I felt someone watching me, looked up and it was my aunt!  Good times!  I finished up my shift, clocked out, we got an allegedly decaf iced coffee, came home and hung out a little, they went to their hotel. 

Biscuit was a brave boy and came out for my uncle.  I gave him a can of Mixed Grill as a reward. He did very well considering.  I think he remembers them from previous visits. 

The primary objective today is the IRS check we will see what will happen with that. The bank opens at 10. 

I'm going to clean the litter box, take a shower, do my God time,and get ready.  

That's it for now!  

I am glad I am old and fat

 I think I mentioned a manager has a love child with one of my coworkers.  He was "after" another associate in front of me the other day and then chasing 2 more today.  

HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL

But he didn't bother me.  I have gray hair and I'm "fat".  

That can be a good thing, although I'd report his ass to ethics so fast his head would spin.

Please pray for the mother of his child.  And for him to repent.

Friday morning.

 I slept OK last night I just kept waking up. 

My boss took the weekend off as she is going to have a hard couple days personally. I am going to send her a text with encouraging Bible verses.  

Last night was very interesting; she was talking to one of her snitches who also happens to be a good friend of mine.  We have never done anything outside of work but I text her cute Biscuit photos and she tells me he's cute, that sort of thing.  My friend told me she was very interested in making me full time and interested to hear I am hard working, have a good work ethic, agreeable, do whatever needs doing, don't have an attitude, etc.  The boss herself spoke to me about making me full time and said she would look at my availability.   I have myself down for basically 12 hours a day 7 days a week so I think they can work with that. 

Now I won't make more money because I will have to pay for rides home but I will have medical coverage.  Dad has been worried sick about that.  

Dad fixed my reservation so I have a ride out to CA that is important.  I was going to get my bottled water, etc. at work last night and bring it home with Jack but my aunt said not to worry about that they would help me Saturday.  I also really want to get rid of these old shoes (donate).  They are in pretty good shape but I baby my feet and if I start getting twingey I retire them. 

I think the house is OK. I got out the good toilet paper. I need to figure out breakfast, though, before I take my shower. 

 I had some evangelism glitches today; didn't budget enough time for my Bible study, forgot to send in the renewal card for "Daily Bread", and ran out of quart zip locks so I couldn't hand out Bible Promise books today  I did do up several tracts in sandwich baggies with candy. 

That's it for now.