Showing posts from November, 2011

Metal Can

Huh.  The first time I tried to come over here naughty modem wouldn't let me. 

For those upset: I have to do what I feel is the right thing.  My whole "life" here on Earth is just a hiccup when you look at eternity. 

God loves me regardless of my actions, but I want those actions to be the ones He wants me to do.  I have undertaken some serious prayer, Bible study, a short soda fast, etc.  God wants me with Ron. 

I think the fact that I have supportive people, aware of the situation, helps keep Ron focused on what's important.  The other day, we had a talk about the cat.  I told him the cat loves his current life, and regardless of how we split the cat would have suffered, too.  And that's just the cat. 

Onto the rest of my life.  Last night, I noticed the messy neighbors had bagged up two huge bags full of mixed dry leaves.  The leaves were in clear bags, sitting in the driveway. 

It's amusing, I am very territorial about "my" property, and I …

Naughty the modem

My modem is acting up, and I had a hell of a time getting online today. 

Ha!  You should have seen my trying to download my new Theocracy album last night - it took forever, and I ended up praying, literally, over the download. 

So, I will come off as harried no doubt and it's because I have to burp it all out quickly before NAUGHTY the modem goes down again.  [sigh]  I am getting a new modem for Christmas, looks like.  Ron likes to buy me "things" now and then, and it drives him nuts when I say I can't think of anything. 

So, back home.  Not dead.  Ron is still drinking, but not being verbabally abusive and letting me sleep.  The neighbor's dog is barking a lot because someone dumped a pit bull in the neighborhood and the dogcatcher can't get it.  It goes sniffing around the yard, the dog barks wildly, and it wanders off, only to come back.  A little aggravating for me. 

I am rearranging the bedroom, the way I had the bed was causing some traffic issues.…
Modem dead. I'm OK.


I have been sharing some of my trials with Ron online, and it is interesting to see the perspectives.

Most people tell me to leave him, and if I were unsaved, I would, and probably do some damage on my way out. A guy I knew, who is interested, actually tried to tell me (years ago)  I could get away with killing Ron because I am mentally ill!
I found that very alarming, that he really thought I would consider that for even an instant.

God WILL rebuke Ron; I have NO doubt. The issue here is to keep my naturally hurt feelings, and wounded pride from transforming into a haughty, judgemental, spirit. That won't please God.

My job, as I see it, is to take my hurt feelings and shame to God, and to let God console me. To leave it at "Lord, rebuke him". The God who created the universe can certainly avenge my hurt feelings, anger, and indignity.

My job, as I see it, is to ask God what He wants me to do, and go to it, trusting He will give me what's required to do my job.…

The week in review

Well, one way or another I HAD to go back home. 

If I was leaving Ron, I'd have to get my stuff.  All I took was a handful of clothes and some bedding.  [It's very comforting to sleep on MY pillows (a few of them), and under the blanket I made, and I slept quite well on my aunt's floor.]

If I was going back, well, I had to go back, didn't I? 

I doubt I can narrate this properly without sounding as though I need a severe medication adjustment, looking like a complete nit masochist, or even more severely brain-damaged than I am.  A brief timeline ought to suffice:

Sunday night: All the drama, I leave the house and go grab some floor at my aunt's house.  Ron trashes my room before, and after, I leave. 

Monday: Ron is still very beligerent, unrepentant, and has decided that I am the source of everything bad in his life.  He wants a divorce.  He calls adult protective services, tries to resign the business, and doesn't go to work, leaving the other vendor to get…

Why did you leave?

You know, I'm not good with healthy boundaries in a relationship.  As I type "And I was willing to go back last night, as long as Ron could commit to:  1.  No verbal abuse and 2.  Letting me sleep." you are probably screaming in frustration and wanting to slap me. 

Well, he didn't want me home. 

Yeah, some demons in Ron's head telling him I'm so much better without him, he has to throw his life away to "get rid of me".  He is furious I voicemailed his abusive rantings to my entire family. 

It has always been my opinion, that I shouldn't say anything I wouldn't want everyone to hear.  IE - gossip.  IE - abusive comments.  "You are a piece of waste and I wish you would die" - I wouldn't say that in front of anyone - but if I did I would expect it would get around, you know? 

I wouldn't think my "victim" would just swallow it and say "Sir, yessir".  Which, unfortunately, I did for a very long time.  Ron…
As Ron stood out front, yelling "You stupid f-ing b@stard!" at the departing police officers, I realized NO neighbor in the subdivision would ever allow a child in my yard.  The loud, drunken, "prayer" (mainly profanities, about me, directed at "God"), in the backyard, the drama, the police, the shouting... yeah.  No kids in my yard.

So, no matter what, I don't have to worry about THAT anymore.  It was actually pretty funny.  Ron is a very proud man; remember this. 

Over a week ago, I went to the store.  I asked Ron if he wanted anything, he said no.  I got him a little bag of chips anyway, because he has a habit of changing his mind.  After I finished shopping, I offered him the chips.  He got mad "I SAID no!  I don't want them!"  I said OK.  Later on, while eating my snack, I offered them again, and he emphatically said NO. 

So,  days later, after Ron had gotten his own bag of Fritos at the grocery store, I ate the other chips.  I paid…

Maybe it won't matter, tomorrow

It's funny.  I finally "got over" the kid ripping the board off the fence to spy on us, and Ron's kept talking about it today.

If the kid does it again, I'll take Ron over to talk to the father.  I'm sure that will do it.  Ron really hates it when people stare at him.  

I'm a little hivey today.  Spell check didn't like that.  Not bad, but a little itchy.  I'm going easy on the wheat, this week.

I got up pretty early, worked in the garden for a bit, and noted my fava beans, and sugar snap peas, are sprouting.  I have never eaten a fava bean in my life.  Apparently I can eat them as a green bean, as a cooked shell bean, or as a dry bean.

Sugar Snaps, I know, are easily eaten raw, in the garden.  Speaking of, the only real garden problem I encountered - fire ants.  Boy, my left foot was pretty unhappy.  I poisoned them, thinking all the while, this is why I don't want kids in my yard.  I don't care if trespassers get bit, but I don't …
Not so cranky today. 

I don't know why kids want to tear boards off my fence (the board is completely off the fence today, good thing I propped up my wood), but that's between them, their parents, and God.  Had a hard time NOT thinking about "home invaders" etc... it's called perseverating and ruminating.   Ugh.  I just want to bang my head into a wall, sometimes, to make it stop.  Then I take it to God "Help me take my thoughts captive, put Your love in my heart" etc. 

Signs, of depression.  On the one hand I want to boo it away, but on the other, I can only be manic for so long.  It is easy to see why some of us become addicts; it would be nice to adjust the volume level on the emotions! 

But, I have to turn it over to God, leave it in His hands, and trust He made me this way for a useful purpose.  I found it fascinating... I have 2 different "Read the Bible in a Year" plans, a couple collections of daily Bible verses by subject (about 5-…

"Kids need a yard" but not mine

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time building up the perfect compost pile.  I took everything off, stirred up the compost at the bottom, "stole" some for my garden, and layered it back into the bin.  Yard waste, layer of dirt, yard waste, layer of compost, yard waste, you get the idea. 

It took hours but I was glad I did it.  I also made sure it was nice and moist to keep out little visitors.  I ALSO, on top of that, planted mints all around the bin.  I accidentally stepped on one, twice.  I was so glad it was mint.  A less vigorous plant would have died.  I put up some fencing so that won't happen again.  Today, they seem quite happy with their new home. 

Speaking of home, I had some excitement.  You may recall the problem I had with the kids next door running wild in my yard during a party.  The older boy was making odd comments about us trying to "trick" him.  Today, the little boy who kept coming over, was trying to pull a board off the fence and watch us.  H…


So, now that I've vented about stupid, endless, barking; how was my morning? 

Pretty awful, actually.  Thanks for asking. 

It started with a large paratransit van (basically a short bus) pulling up.  I got on.  The driver was new, and her trainer greeted me with "You got fat!  Look at you!  You look awful!"  This continued for a couple of minutes, including "You went off the Atkins, didn't you?" [smirk]  "I can tell!  You went off your diet!  You look TERRIBLE!" 

She even made a point of telling Ron how "terrible" I looked, and "She really let herself go, didn't she?  She looks terrible". 

Now, I can understand, if you see someone you haven't seen in a while, you might have a spontaneous utterance.  "Oh, look at you!"  Something like that.  I got "What happened?"  a lot with a meaningful glance.  This time around, everyone knew, so no one asked.  God bless the gossip line. 

Anyway, I thought it …

Sick of barking dogs all night.

The dog behind us, barking all night.  Not a peep today.  I suspect the owners are locking him in the house during the day, and only letting him out at night to be a "guard" dog.  I really doubt the effacy of a "guard" dog that barks at everything.  How will you know the bad guy?  The bad guy will bring a gun, shoot your dog, and now your kids are out a pet in addition to the robbery and whatever else. 

Again:  I am not a fan of dogs.  I am not a fan of someone else's dog, one I don't even see, keeping me up all night every night because "I want a dog".  My cat does not keep anyone up at night.  I am not a fan of other people's dogs destroying my fence, getting onto my property, menacing me in my own yard, attacking my lawn mower, attacking my cat, etc.  I get very upset when they keep Ron from sleeping, and their barking-induced sleep deprivation aggravates my mental illness. 

Really, it is surprising I have any kind feelings toward dogs.  …

Video Blog!



I had to laugh at myself tonight, as I sneakily "stole" several huge trash bags out of my own can and scurried to the backyard. 

It was a pretty normal morning.  We got up, went to work.  Worked.  Ron had me running around, but I did it all (mostly) and he made a point of thanking me a couple of times.  He really understands I need appreciation. 

When we came home "Flying Soccer Ball" neighbor was working in his yard with a crew.  I'm not sure what he does for a living.  The crew was clearly expert at lawn/yard care, but he knows a lot about contracting and he has a generator.  If I had to guess, an "all purpose" contractor. 

He told me he was cleaning up, and would I like some work done in my yard?  He did this, earlier this year, clearing out an overgrown corner.  He had mentioned "coming back".  The first time, I bought his crew some snacks, a case of beer, and a case of soda.  They seemed pretty happy.  He refused all offers of money.…

It wasn't the peanut butter

Whoo.  Crazy weekend. 

It was lovely; 60/80 degrees, partly sunny, breezy, and humid.  Perfect garden weather. 

I got up pretty early on Saturday, went to Foodtown, and got some groceries.  Some local slang refers to it as "making groceries". 

Well, God made them.  I just bought some.  I have a huge sack full of product for work, too. 

We came home, and I decided to do some yard work.  I weeded the garden, did some pruning, planting, planted my salad garden (spicy greens and lettuce), and started some seeds for my aunt and uncle.  Busy. 

After I finished on Saturday, I came in the house, took my shower, and got ready to go to a BBQ place.  I will not name names for reasons to follow. 

We got there, Ron ordered some meat, and I got a chopped beef.  It was good, but pretty fatty.  [Honestly, I would have rather had one of my cheddarburgers.  Oh, yum.]  We had a good ride to come home, but by the time I got to the house I was horribly queasy.  Then the lithium kicked in (…

For Dad

Tonight, I thanked my Dad on Facebook.  He's a veteran.  I had fun addressing him by "rank".  [grin]  He was an officer. 

Dad was out of the service by the time I came into his life.  I told him tonight I was proud of him, and I meant it. 

I later went back and "corrected", telling him I'm proud of him, every day of the year.  I am. 

From what I've seen, little kids are always asking "Why?"  Dad would always (and still does) take the time to answer the question in detail. 

He is a very committed man.  I don't know all the details of his marriage to my birth mother, but I know this: he stayed with an alcoholic, unmedicated, bipolar woman for 10 years.  She left him.  Most men would have run screaming after a year. 

He's been married to my adoptive mother for over 30 years; quite an accomplishment these days.  It's obvious they have a healthy bond, I can tell they enjoy spending time together. 

This might embarrass him if he re…


Pretty groggy and forgetful today.  I bounced back into a very mild mania, and I was happy to get it, when I was forgetting things and having trouble talking. 

Yesterday, I bought some fingerling potatoes at the grocery store.  I had hoped maybe they'd sprout, as a few of the lighter skinned ones sported an obvious green tinge.  Green is actually good for growing, but completely toxic for eating.  Two of them are sprouting.  Good. 

I plan to take them, and the Yukon Golds I got from my spring harvest, and plant a 4 foot square in my garden.  I'll need to till up the soil, add some peat moss, and acifify the soil a bit.  That helps prevent disease.  The peat moss will break down quickly in my climate and I already have a partial bale.  I'll also add some compost, etc. 

I should be fine, because I haven't used that garden bed for potatoes, or other tomato family plants (did you know they were related?  So are peppers and eggplants) for a couple of years.  The soil is …

Guarding it

I didn't sleep very well last night.  The dog behind us kept barking, all night long.  I kept waking up.  Not only that, I had nightmares about my compost pile. 

There's something really sad about that, having nighmares about the compost.  I will address it today.  Basically, I have to take the "cozy, dry, refuge" away.  I have ideas on that. 

I have also read that mint repells - them.  So, I'll be buying some mint (the garden center had some lovely mints, and I'd love to grow some anyway) and plant it all around the pile.  The plants will love the nutrients and moisture.  I will love the fact they're guarding it for me. 

When I kept waking up, I'd pray.  I have a bad tendency, in my faith life, to ONLY pray during my God Time.  God loves to hear from me, not just then.  I need to work on that. 

I work on appreciating the good things in my life, and thanking God for them.  I think that is important. 

Yesterday, I saw something at the grocery stor…

Video Blog!

I forgot to add, I also got some fingerling potatoes from the grocery store. I plan to try to sprout them and grow some this winter. Also purchased at the garden center, not mentioned, a nice, vareigated scented geranium with nicely cut foilage. Smells minty. I have it in a window.

Not a Good Day Out

Allen, you have some great ideas!  I've been catching up with the garden, lately.

Yesterday was very, very, funny.  I woke up with a horrible headache.  I almost vomited, it was so bad.  I took my generic "Headache Relief Tablets"  and tried to go back to bed.  The caffeine in the pills ensured I wouldn't get any sleep.

I took my shower, and wondered if I would see any rain today.  I did my God Time, took some more headache pills (4 hours after the first dose, I don't want to roast my liver), and checked the weather.

Ron's favorite weather program said it would rain after 2.  Mine said, after 11.  It was about 10:30.

When I checked on Ron, he was lying in bed asleep.  I got my stuff water proofed (i.e. - no Kindle, no Bible, bring poncho and extra plastic bags, bring plastic bag for cell phone), and prepared to leave.   My feet were kind of achy - I think I have a mild case of plantar fasciitis.  I am certain that is not spelled properly.  I put on my &qu…