Showing posts from March, 2010

Curse my work ethic!

I had told Ron I needed to go to the wholesaler, and buy candy bars for work. The only day that worked for this week was today. Today is my customary day off. Yesterday, we took Ron to the doctor.

I woke up today with a throbbing migraine. I couldn't have gone back to sleep, though, knowing that we would have empty coils in the vending machine until Saturday. No, I got up, took my phenergan.

I overslept so I did what prayer I could manage, in the shower. I'm sure God appreciated my efforts. I geared up with a barf bucket, just in case. [rolleyes] Fortunately, I did not need the bucket.

So, I went to the wholesaler, with a migraine. I handed out driver candy and Bibles. I got the candy bars and some Sun Chips, because I had a special request. I got some nice assortement boxes - half a dozen each of several candy bars; far more in line with our budget than the larger cases.

I got 14 more pounds of hard wrapped assorted Driver Candy, paid for with "My" money…

Not a bad morning

Ron and I went to the doctor this morning, for EMG nerve testing in his arm and hand. Metrolift got us there an hour and a half early. It was a very nice waiting room, but I did tire of it. Fortunately I brought my MP3 player. I downloaded a very readable Bible translation, and listened to that and my music while waiting.

I figure, you can't go wrong, filling up your head with as much Bible as possible. I read plenty of other things, too, but while waiting why not "read" the Bible?

Ron had the testing. The good news: he does not have any nerve damage in his good arm. He was terrified he might have some horrible, progressive, crippiling issue. He doesn't. What he does have, is pain.

I admire my husband; I especially admire his disdain for painkillers and addictive narcotics. I'm terrified of anything that could be addictive; I'm literally hardwired for addiction. 80% of FAS has a "problem", 50% of bipolar. What awful odds!

So, he just tak…

"Make it count" and no one wants a cupcake

I'm still having some trouble falling asleep. When I do, I ask God to "Make it count" [use the sleep I do get to charge me up enough to be a productive employee]. I fell asleep around 9, and then I woke up again, so I got about 4 hours total.

God did make it count, I had enough juice to get up at 2:30, do my Bible study, talk to Ron (he will work on being more appreciative), fix my breakfast, and grab my huge tote bag of baked goods as I headed out the door.

First driver: I'm on a diet. AGH. No treats. On the one hand, I'm thrilled. A little disappointed, though.

We got to work, so, so early. It was 4-something. I realized I had 3 deliveries, a pull, and stocking to do in a shorter-than-I'd-like window. On, 4 hours sleep.

I'm glad I prayed! So, I got to work. Did the pull, set up the deposit, got paid eventually. Made my personal deposit so my missionary gets to eat this month [grin].

First delivery - donuts. I gave him a brownie cupcake. He…

You may get fat reading about these baked goods

I had a good start today, but then life came along. I let someone elses' bad mood infect me.

However, I have a little routine on certain delivery days - I do some baking. I thought it might be fun to do a little more than usual. After all, I was going somewhere after work, and they love my baked goods. Pretty soon I had a couple of boxes of Jiffy Mix in the cart at the grocery store.

When I got home, I didn't want to mess up my clothes so I changed into a sport bra and control top jeans. Let me tell you, looking at what's left of my midsection sure cured any little snacking impulses!

"Grumpy" retreated to the Grump Cave. I began the baking. I started with the nut-free brownie. A box of Jiffy Mix will get you a 9x5 brownie. That's a nice little size, especially considering the price. People have eaten these Jiffy things and said they were good, too.

I know a cashier who has a severe peanut allergy. I made her a brownie, adding caramel and chocolate …

Things are better

I had a nasty headache this afternoon, laid down, took my phenergan, woke up feeling good. Ron and I are actually communicating!

We talked about fixing up the bathroom. We are starting to get very loose tiles in the shower. We're considering getting a bath fitter, but they'll have to rip out the bad studs and drywall first. UGH.

I vividly recall my parents' remodel when I was about 13. I plan to get a one-month gym membership when we do this; as I expect to be showerless for at least a few days. Eeeeew.

We plan to get a quote, and take it from there. If it will be significant, I'll get another job and help save up. The nice thing about a bath fitter, once it's in, it's in. It is good for a very long time! No tile replacements!

That led pretty nicely into me possibly getting another job. I am seeking God's will. For now, I think He wants me doing the evangelism as my first job, helping Ron second, work third. Is an additional part-time job a pos…

About that issue

So, regarding the ongoing issue I mentioned. I wrote a note, put it on the flash drive, and left it where they'd find it.

It was read and acknowledged. Like I told him, "I need to tell you when you are hurting me". What he does with that knowledge is between him and God. My job is to leave it to Jesus, and move on. I have no idea if anything will change at present, but I did address the issue.

One thing I am doing - I expect the Devil will throw a nice, attentive man my way. I need to be on the lookout for that and react accordingly. I'm sure he would be very appreciative.

Nope. Not going that route.

Anyway, another ugly headache today so I'm off to take something and lie down. Good old Phenergan.

$1 will get you....

OK, so I'm leaving my problems in God's very capable hands.

I've had some trouble sleeping; namely dropping off, staying asleep, and the dreams I have when I'm "out". So, when I'm lying in bed wondering about my caffeine intake for the day, I ask God for some favors. I ask him to help me fall asleep, to have a good quality of sleep, and to help me use the sleep I get to be productive tomorrow. I don't care if I'm a zombie on my own time; but I do believe in a good days' work.

One of the reasons I would like to get another job, for instance. I feel like maybe I could "do" more. Also, it would be nice to have a support network of people I'm not married to - my own group of acquaintences who don't know Ron. Sometimes it can be a burden. [sigh] But I'm being positive and leaving my problems in God's hands.

Funny, my spelling is worse these days. I accept that as part of the price tag for managing my illness. [sh…

One of the problems...

One of the problems, with being a Christian... doing what I'm told.

I had two entries about today; ongoing difficulties in my life. So, I'm doing my Bible study. "If your brother sins against you, go tell him PRIVATELY." OK.

I got it. Sorry, I had to delete the 2 posts, but I want to be a good child of God. I would appreciate prayer on this ongoing issue. I just want to feel valued, respected, and ideally, cherished. I will settle for far less, though.

SIGH. God never promises us an easy life. He just says "You won't be alone, cast all your loads on me and I'll carry them for you. You don't need to worry!"


This will be short, I have to get up at 2 AM tomorrow.

I am seeking God's will on me getting a second job. Ideally, a retail one, close to home, weekends and afternoons. I intend to apply at a nearby store. We'll see what happens. Moods have been pretty awful; taking large doses of medication. A lot of dread and anxiety. Not fun. Worrying about stuff that normally would not bother me. Woke up with a horrible headache today, but an asprin/tylenol combo killed it, thank God. Bubba brought home a very large rat; through the cat door. He killed it, leaving rat blood all over the floor, and a dead rat floating in the water bowl. Yuck. I haven't been sleeping well; when I do sleep, wierd dreams. Gangland activity within a few miles of home has got me thinking. I've been handing out plenty of Bibles and Driver Candy. Ron is supportive. When I took Ron to the doctor this week, someone's wallet was stolen while they were seeing someone. Her husband left the …

Hating on Generics

I have read several articles bitterly bashing generic drugs. One practicioner bitterly complained about the "ineffectiveness" of generic Lamotrigine; and an opthamologist ranted about the use of generic eye drops.

What about me? Before Generics, we can estimate I would pay at least... hang on. I'll look it up. Wellbutrin, name brand, is about $250 for a 3 month supply. Versus, $44 for my beloved Teva generic version, which, guess what? Whacks my depression.

Risperdal! Whoo! $468.13 for a 3 month supply. Or, about $40 for a 3 month supply of "ZYD" generics, which work perfectly. I don't see things. No paranoia, hallucinations, or delusions either. Good stuff. Makes me a nice friendly person, and I can afford to take THAT.

Last but not least, the Lithium! $575.19 for Lithobid brand. That kicks the Risperdal's butt. 3 tablets a day, for 90 days. Or I can take generic Lithium Carbonate, a three month supply, for $10. That's an easy choi…

I can boast in Jesus

By any human standards, I should be a bitter person. My own mother prenatally disabled me, and flipped the switch for my bipolar disorder. I suffer from frequent and painful migraines - God only knows why. I have insulin resistance and have to watch what I eat, so I don't end up diabetic. I don't get treats like the average person; I have food intolerances. I have demons in my head - I cannot describe it any other way. I have a severe and BRUTAL form of mental illness. Every day is a struggle for me to stay balanced and focused in reality.

I don't know what to expect when I wake up. I may be overwhelmed with a jittery urge to spend, talk, and spend. I may be consumed with a necrotic depression, that kills and consumes everything it touches. Some days, just getting out of bed is harder than running a half-marathon.

Then we look at the caregiving. My husband is completely blind. He has a severe head injury. He's hard of hearing. He can't even stand for …
I knew today would be a challenge last night; when I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up. I figured God could use it for His good and just left it up to Him. When I got up, I felt pretty rested, but manic.

After a shower and Bible Study, it developed into more of a "Nasty Mixed State" (here's a link: Anxiety, depression, and mania all running around in my head. Not a fun place. Ron kept giving me platitudes like 'Oh, it'll get better, it'll go up!" I don't want things to go up, I'm already manic. Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't want to know about my illness. Anything I tell him, is too much. He just does the whole angry thing. I'm the one who's sick, and then I have the burden of his anger on top of that. I wasn't hungry, but ate anyway just so I could get a lithium onboard.

We went to Foodtown, and he wanted to shop with me. OK, we did that. I felt bad …

"Tell me when to fight!"

I have a pretty serious prayer time, morning and night. I have various categories, myself, Ron, our families, those who hurt us, people who read my blog, etc. I make it a point to pray for those who have hurt us, as ordered by Jesus.

One of my requests for myself, "Remind me to resist the Devil and flee from temptation". I recently added a modifier, "Tell me WHEN TO FIGHT."

Yesterday, we just got some food and went to the Blood Center. Ron donated platelets. Next week, he has 2 doctor appointments so he won't donate. The technician also asked Ron to donate every other week - because if he donates too fast the count will drop.

All we did, get something to eat, go to the Blood Center. I went to a nearby store and got Ron some Pringles. Then we went home. I laid down for a little bit. When I got up, depression was really smacking me around.

Ron had said, he wanted to ride the wheelchair and bus, and check out the new Chinese place. He also said, we need …

So, it's Friday

I'm pretty much over the sinus thing and I feel good physically. I'm still battling depression and some anxiety about our sales. I can classify the anxiety as an "attack" because it's pretty intense, in relation to the actual work issues.

Yes, sales are down. Yes, Ron's "consultant" is a little annoyed Ron hasn't cut my "salary". Are these worth the roiling anxiety that wants to consume me at times? No. Absolutely not.

I remind myself of all God has carried me through; I remind myself that I have always trusted God to provide for our needs, and I know He will. I tell the anxiety to get out of my head - commanding it, really - in Jesus' name. I know it sounds "wierd" but it works.

Yesterday was pretty rough - both alarms failed somehow, and I woke up 1.5 hours after my original alarm. My hair was filthy - when it's short, it must be washed daily. I had no time to wash it, stuffing it under a bandana for the d…

Some days I wonder...

Why I got up. I've been battling a head cold and didn't get enough sleep last night. Yesterday, I had a Day Out - in the pouring rain. I woke up depressed, tired, and my hair was doing odd things. I felt very disconnected from God during my Bible study, and wondered as I did up the driver candy if it actually had any MEANING for people other than a handful of sugary treats.

Our first driver demanded to use our bathroom and got upset when I told her Ron was using it. I'm not sorry - it's my house and I knew she was a gossip. If she'll gossip TO me, I know she'll gossip ABOUT me. Besides, I knew she had passed at least two-dozen fast food and gas stations to get to us, from the other location. Why not stop along the way? Why DEMAND to use mine?

I could only assume she thought she could. Ron and I are pretty generous people. But I am a private person, and I don't allow strangers into my home. Not only that, I don't allow GOSSIPS into my home. …

The annoying guy at work

Yup, I have one too. That annoying guy at work you just can't stand. To the casual observer, he is very friendly.

Upon observation, though, you realize all the guy does, all day, every day, is stand around and gossip. It's rare to see him actually working, and for a guy who makes what he does - I'd be working my butt off! He's involved with a group I don't like, and shares the viewpoint of this group at any opportunity.

Now, [shrug] I'm sure I can be pretty annoying too. God knows I get on my own nerves when I'm manic!

Today, when I walked in, he was staring intently at a vending machine, a tool in hand. I walked up "What's wrong?" He wasn't putting any money into the machine so I knew it was "down".

I realize, someone has broken the snack door. You know how you put your hand through a door, to get your snack, from the snack vending machine? Well, someone broke that door so it was stuck in the "locked" upward …

Today, I'm depressed

Today, the depression got me. When I get an overwhelming onslaught of hopelessness, it's easier to recognize it as my illness; but this was a little sneakier. Low-level fatigue? Oh, I gave blood. I'm always a little tired after donating blood. Feeling overwhelmed? Perfectly normal. I have a lot on my plate, don't I?

Everything in my life just seemed like such a terrible burden - I should have been happy, coming up on a day off, and I all I could manage was a low-level sense of dread. I had a horrible time planning my activities for tomorrow. That's when I realized, Yes, I have a lot on my plate - and a big part of that plate is MENTAL ILLNESS.

As I was putting the clothes in the dryer (Thank you God, for a washer, dryer, and utilities), I realized I'm glad my illness is so severe. If I had milder symptoms, I would spend a lot of time suffering needlessly.

If I know I'm getting depressed, I can ACT. I can choose to stay busy instead of sitting around…
I've noticed, on the Wellbutrin, I tend to get a migraine right before my cycle. I plan to discuss this with Doc. Would it be possible to taper back for a few days before? Keep the same dose? He'll know; that's why I pay him! [laugh]

It's not an awful one, I just have to be careful moving, NO desire to go out on this nice, sunny day. Light's a little painful, but I don't need to prostrate myself in bed with a bag of ice. Just take care of myself.

Ron and I were discussing my tendency to get into the whole "rescuing others" tendency. Today, I probably would have tried to "do" too much if I hadn't had the headache. I want to work on that tract; cleaning, stuff like that. They are all good activities, but sometimes I just need to REST.

Partly because I have a part-time job, I have a hard time doing so. I've got my other part time job, evangelism. Taking care of Ron - add it up, it's a pretty good number for someone who wou…

"No Blood bank in the afternoon"

An odd day... I got up very early. I bagged up Driver Candy, did my prayer time, and did my devotionals. Most of them, I think. If I missed one I'll get it once I log off and do my nighttime stuff. I may not have a "fully functional" brain; I may have mental illness, I may not have much money, but I do have an hour or two, every day, for God. Thank You, Lord.

I brought tons of Bibles and of course everyone already had one. Oh, well. Went to work, did the pull, counted it, and went to the bank. I got paid. Then, off to Burger King. I did something nice, but won't tell. I'm glad I could.

Ron and I ate, and we got dropped off at the Blood Bank. Ron was curious to try platelets, apparently they have a great need for his blood type. It takes about 2 hours. Plus, we got dropped early, so we were there about 3 hours total. I just gave regular blood, and barely squeaked by with a 39 (I would have failed at 37). I got the "good" technician. I h…

Don't talk about MY drivers!

I had a very surreal experience during an attempted nap today. I was lying down in bed. Bubba-cat nestled nearby, cleaning himself. I felt the slight movements of the bed as he groomed himself. I'm drifting, half asleep, when I hear... the seagull.

I live at least an hour's drive inland. At first, I ignored it, until I heard another one. Bubba stopped grooming himself so I sat up. Yes, "we" had 2 laughing seagulls in the backyard! That's a surreal experience, something I've only seen on a Galveston beach, in my yard. I looked at the cat for confirmation. He was staring right at them. Yup, I had seagulls.

Kind of an odd ending to a long day! Recently my local paper had an article about an atrocity committed in Jos, Nigeria. You can look it up, but don't. Anyway, some racist thing had his little rant all typed out about "Those people are ALL...."

The first Nigerian I ever met was an attendant at a mental hospital. He was a very kind…

Ask God to use you, and He will

I got some great news. I have been wanting a "Where to look in the New Testament" tract to put into my budget New Testaments. I can get them - if I write it!

I am thrilled and delighted beyond measure. I think these can help people really dig into and understand their Bibles, and encourage them as they walk with God. I am honored God wants to use my writing and research abilities for His Glory! How wonderful!

I've been working on the project, "Where to Look in the New Testament" whenever I get a chance. I'm carrying around a concordance and a notebook, too.

I plan to put it completely in God's hands and trust He will use me for His Glory and education of His children. People generally love the Bibles - the worst come-back I get is "You already gave me one!" Now we can help open the Bibles up, a little more, for the "hungry".

So, thrilled about that, working on it. I consider the Evangelism one of my jobs. The first job, rea…

I have cbosen to share this

I have chosen to share this, so no one thinks I have an "easy" life. My illness is very well controlled by medication and some lifestyle habits. I make it a priority to take care of myself. I have a loving and supportive family.

However, at times my life is still painful. Before I really re-committed to spending time in God's Word and prayer, I complained. I would list every complaint in great detail. Sure, I had a "right" to it. Some of my burdens could crush me, if I let them.

I've looked at what's important. I don't think it contributes any value to name names or give identifying details. Many will figure it out on their own. But finger-pointing just puts me in a position where I am a self-righteous victim. I'm not a victim. I refuse to be a victim, so I've chosen to adjust my style accordingly.

Brother Yun talks about how the Devil, if not attacking you directly, will attack you through people close to you. That happens to me.

It makes me …

Budget/Where is Spring?

I like to sit down and figure out my budget before I get paid, then I have a good idea what I can spend, each week. I am very fortunate; my husband supports me, and my small salary is "mine".

Other than the obvious, $30 on the old hospital bill, some online debit committments, and all, it's fun to figure out what I'm going to do with God's money. Buy another case of Bibles? It looks like I may need to, I'm about halfway to two-thirds down. Rather, the box is about 1/3 to halfway, FULL. [laugh]

When I was told Ron would be partially paralyzed on the right, I said, oh, that's the broken up side anyway! I am convinced if he didn't have the numbness, he would be in terrible pain. I really enjoy that about myself.

I have gotten a lot of free stuff from one company, I can estimate what the cash value would be, and double it. $20 for them. I also need a haircut. Another $20 - I have a nice lady and I believe in being a good tipper!

When all is said…

I forgot something

I did a lot of research before I asked my doctor for Wellbutrin. I didn't notice that it is associated with low blood pressure!

Today, Ron and I had a nice mostly-day-in. I woke up on my own, did my Bible study, shower, etc. I had a good time. Ron and I chatted for a bit and even downloaded some music for his player.

Then we went to Starbucks. I had a $10 off card for a Christian bookstore, and I planned to USE it. I had my bus card, all ready to go.

After having a medium heavy whipping cream steamer, about a thousand calories, I took my medication. I waited about half an hour for Ron's ride. I could feel my mouth getting dry so I knew it was working.

Ron and I even chatted about our local Walmart's failure to provide lithium. It's really awful. How do you run out of antidepressants, and lithum, for over a week? Bipolar individuals who go off their medications become HEADLINES and can often become violent. You'd think there'd be a liability issue. …

Bible-thumping, in the rain

Here's a link to today's photos, just scroll down. If you keep the link, I'll put up new March photos in this album.

Busy and tiring day today! Went to work, got the deliveries, filled the machines - all of them. I had the other vendor take a photo of me with the sign. She was very surprised.

I have had this thought and I think it bears sharing: I absolutely know this idea is from God. How? When my illness is talking, I get ugly-minded, nasty-tempered, and paranoid. THEN I get the Bad Thoughts. I have been filled up with compassion, excitement, and a need to act.

So, today I lugged a large tote bag filled with about 22 Bibles, plus driver candy, plus plenty of Cup-a-noodles for work. It was raining, so I brought my big yellow raincoat too.

After work, I got dropped at a busy corner. I stood on the corner, with my rapidly-wilting cardboard sign. "Free Bibles". A lot of squinting fr…

A busy day off!

God gave me the idea to get some quart sized bags. I did so when Ron and I went to the grocery store. After I got home and put up the groceries, He gave me another idea; put some candy and a New Testament in the bags (I use the Invitation ones found in the affordable Bibles link). They fit great.

Then I thought, I'd love to finally get a photo of me taken with the "Free Bibles" sign. But where? I could go to the Christian bookstore. I still have about $5 I was given for "The Work" and I take that obligation very seriously. I need to use it, to get supplies.

While I'm at it, if I'm Out with the sign... why not hand out some Bibles? So, I loaded up about 18, in the baggies, with a generous handful of assorted candies. I also did some Spanish. This is IN ADDITION to the regular driver candy I hand out - I took my leftover Driver Bibles and did the same treatment, combining them into the quart sized ziplock. It is supposed to rain tomorrow, so it…
I see my primary job as Pleasing God. That is the most important thing in my life, period. I am delighted when He chooses to use me. Sometimes baffled, but always delighted.

One issue I've been working on as I go though life; how much do I share? When does "Sharing" become "Boasting?" When does "Encouraging others" turn to "Prideful?" I can sense a tendency towards pride, and I want to overcome that.

I have read several books on Evangelism, and some of them just turned my stomach. The authors relate in great detail "HOW MUCH GOOD I'VE DONE" They quote numbers. Lots of boasting about their "Kingdom Work". Can God still use someone like that? I wonder.

I do know this, it is very dangerous to be a teacher, and to put your own dogma out as God's will. I often find myself cherrypicking as a result. If I can't back up your statement from the Bible, I do not accept it.

I want to emulate Jesus, and he wa…

It's time to get 'em saved!

I'm listening to yet more Gospel rap - this one "Get 'em Saved". Very appropriate.

Let me tell you a little about my "nature". I'm a fearful person. I wouldn't even ride the bus for about 5 years after my husband's accident. I'd have panic attacks standing at the bus stop, watching the traffic. Crossing streets? Awful. Gasping for breath, panicked... miserable. I felt like a trapped animal. This is significant.

I was also pretty fearful when it came to "strangers". I'm an extrovert, "Bubbly", but I didn't reach out to others. Ever. Especially regarding my faith.

I'm saying all this to illustrate God's power. I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism. I thought, that would be great after I find a good church, we could all go out and hand out Bibles on street corners. It would be wonderful when I met some other, evangelism minded people. I would hate to die or get ra…

Four weapons of the Devil

Tomorrow, I'll tell you all about my big street evangelism project; handing out Bibles to complete strangers. It's only rarely I hand one out to a friend! One thing that incited me to this; a few obvious attacks.

Now, none of this is spelled out in the Bible, it's just my own personal observation. You can decide what you think. Your opinion is the only one that should matter to you!

When you are doing good work for God, or you get saved, absolutely expect attacks from the Devil. He is angry; he's going to do what he can to hurt you. He's PISSED. You got away! He wanted you in HELL! The only thing that makes him angrier than YOUR salvation; when you work for God in saving others.

[As I type this, I'm listening to Little Dre, a Gospel Rapper]

I will restate this: If the Devil isn't attacking you, you need to review your walk with God! He doesn't bother with useless Christians!

Attack #1 - probably the scariest - Physical Attacks.
Last year, I was…

So, what did I do today?

I got up really early, and hit the Bible Study and Prayer time. I can commit to that; where I couldn't commit to getting up early for anything else. No offense to the fitness types, but this is more important than a workout!

I was a little freaked out, because all my devotionals and readings had the common theme of "God helps us through our trials". I thought, what trials? Things are going OK. Oh, no. I'M GOING TO HAVE A TRIAL of some sort! Have I mentioned I can run a little paranoid? I'm still a little bug-eyed, thinking about it.

I should probably say, "But then I prayed about it and felt great". I didn't.

I'm a little twitchy, but you know what? Nothing can take me out of Jesus' arms. Nothing. I trust Him completely. At the very worst time of my life, unemployed, my beloved in ICU, facing eviction, broke, and scared to death... I threw all my burdens on Him and said "It's in Your hands. I trust You." He took…