Heather runs the gamut as she blogs on managing her bipolar disorder, coming to terms with medication, sharing her faith, her latest project, and stocking the vending machines for her husband, who's blind. "1 Corinthians 4:12-13 (New International Version)
We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world."
I was so excited about this post, I am sitting here half-dressed, hungry, and thirsty, but I had to share.
Romans 8:28 (NJKV): And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.
Well, what does that mean?
Let me start with my day. I overslept. Ron was really annoyed. I was SUPPOSED to have today off, instead I had to go to the wholesale warehouse, and listen to Ron complain as we waited an hour for our pickup. We picked up an extremely obese man on the way to work, and he was wearing so much cologne he gave me a massive headache that morphed into a migraine. At work, stocked, and worked my tail off for hours until my feet were killing me. I finally sat down and phony refund guy came by with a massive attitude. Halfway though my bag of peanuts Ron starts shouting…
It took me about a week to figure out; this is an average mood.
Yesterday was pretty quiet; stayed home, slept in. Housework and gardening. Boy, that does sound dull. I did watch some TV while working. Really, I had a pretty good day. It was nice to have more energy than depressed; and not manic. Average is a big deal.
I talked to Dad; it's pretty clear he is enjoying "retirement". Ron told me he stopped taking Neurontin.
I had an exciting day or so, until he decided it would be better to taper. He could have had a seizure. I really did not want all the drama, if avoidable!
I am picking pick double handfuls of green beans every other day. Probably a big handful every day. The rest of my potatoes (about 4 plants, 2 in ground, 2 in a large pot) are looking very healthy; not ready yet. The onions also look good, probably the next to produce.
I can't forget the corn. I wanted to check the ripeness and had a look - it is a beautiful small ear of cor…
I had a good day; got a lot done. Pretty exhausted. I'd love to "do more" but remind myself it's quality of life that matters.
We went to the wholesale club and bought 12 cases of drinks, then took them to work and unloaded them into my stockroom. Then lunch, then Home Depot for some cinderblocks.
I wanted to make my outdoor kitchen; basically a propane camping stove, on some cinderblocks. Ron and I are in agreement: cooking in the house, in summer, is a bad idea. Why run the A/C and a hot stove at the same time?
In our first apartment, we didn't have a stove. We did a lot with a crock-pot and microwave.
Now that I have my canning stuff; it's even more important to do it outside if possible. For pressurecanning some items, you have to cook them for 90 minutes. Boiling. In the house. In summer!
So, we did that. I got 4 cinderblocks. We came home.
I set up my little stovepad in the backyard; then I took my nap. When I woke up,…
I know a few things about the mail. I knew, the landlord next door would get the letter I mailed, today.
Boy, did she get it. She came out to inspect and was FURIOUS. She was almost speechless with rage, ranting at the tenants. They did not have permission to have a dog. She was enraged when she saw what the dog did to our fence, and how they just laughed at me when I asked them to please fix the holes THEIR dog made.
She was snapping photos left and right of the junk piles; swearing she was going to put a stop to this, and apologizing again and again.
She said they might have to move back into that house, and they wanted it "kept up".
Another peaceful night; I'm starting to think they got rid of the dog. For me, the dog was the #1 issue.
When I was out in the yard today, I counted, and I have had to patch over 10 holes in the fence. I hope the homeowner does come by for a look. Their yard is full of junk, just as I'd written. [shrug] I'm a messy person, it doesn't bother me, except I wonder the junk might attract "trashy" people moving into the houses for rent down the block.
Slept in until about 8:30, for me that's late! Got up, talked to Ron for a while, took my shower, God Time, the usual.
By the way, I called Ron and told him about the video blog request. I asked him to come up with some ideas. He said he would, and made a few suggestions. I called him back FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER and he was still typing up ideas! Got a little annoyed that I "interrupted" [snort]
EVIL! My Dr Pepper won't open. I had to get the vice grips.
Well, like I said, I actually got some sleep. Ron said he didn't hear any barking last night; and I had earplugs.
Boy, my ear canals feel a little weird.
I'm not sure what to think; but no barking last night or all day today. Not only that, when we got home from work the gate was wide open to the backyard. Ron thinks they have the dog in the garage. I HOPE they gave her to the humane society. We'll see.
If nothing else, I think it's a promising sign they're also sick of the barking. Only one person claimed it as "my" dog, and I'm almost certain she works nights. Yesterday, when they let the dog out, it barked incessantly. While she would have been trying to sleep.
Not to mention, I mailed the letter to the landlord. When we got home I checked their front yard and sure enough, they have an old truck tire, a pile of boards, assorted loose trash, and the pile of junk just in the front yard. If/when the landlord comes by that ought to be…
Yup, more ravenous barking for hours on end, last night. I finally just got up.
I prayed and prayed, and finally figured, "God, you must want me to write the landlord a letter". When I did, the barking stopped.
I mean, enough is enough. I need my sleep! I am dead serious when I say the dog always starts barking from 2-4 AM, EVERY NIGHT, minimum. I just wanted it to end.
Plus, I have to figure the owner would WANT to know he has way more tenants than he thought. I am certain they did not know they would be renting to two women, four men, two kids, and a home-based daycare. Imagine the wear and tear! That's just the ones I SAW!
I can't imagine what it's like in that house.
I am completely baffled by the dog - I have NEVER seen anyone spending time with the animal, petting it, playing, or talking to it. It just runs around in the yard and barks constantly; and about the only kind thing I can say is it's not aggressive towards humans. Why hav…
Years ago I was in my yard when you told one of your tenants [next door] was the first house you'd ever purchased, you were proud of it, and you'd appreciate it if they took care of it. Well, they're not.
You may or may not be aware I have counted at least 4 adult men living in the house, at least 2 adult women (a blonde and a brunette), and 2 children. Not only that, I have seen other children leaving the house like they do daycare (a parent drives up and pcks them up). When the garage door is open, it is so packed with junk I can't see the walls.
If you contact the homeowner's assocation, they will tell you about all the many, many problems all of us have had with the trash in the front and backyard. Just big piles of trash all over the place like they live at the dump. They had to get the Health department involved. I had problems with mice the minute they moved in. I must have killed at least a dozen. Right now they have a large pile of junk…
This morning got off to a HORRIBLE start. More wild barking next door at 4 AM. Based on what I saw out front, I believe someone's dog got out, again, and went over to the yard. Maybe the Barkappotamous is in heat? And the strange dog sniffing around made her nuts.
I try to tell Ron - and myself - that she bugs all of the 10 little piggies (my new name for them, at least 8 of them next door) at least as much as she bothers us. More, in fact, because she is right at their windows.
I believe I'm right - because I saw a dog tie out front - they had gotten out of bed, gotten a spool of weed whacker cord, and used it to tie the strange dog to the tree in their front yard. At 4 AM.
I have only had one person next door refer to the Barkappotamous as "my" dog. She seemed like a very young woman - maybe 19. I have never seen her spend time with the dog, walk it or do normal dogowner things... I don't even pretend to try to understand the weirdnesses of next d…
Just the phrase "Peanut Police" can make people boil. "I have an allergy" "My kid has an allergy - we have to eliminate every peanut from the face of the earth!" How DARE I eat a peanut, when somewhere, someone in Houston, has a fatal allergy that could KILL THEM?
Quite comfortably, thank you. A peanut allergy is your problem, not mine.
Before I write this, I need to say: I understand Multiple Chemical Sensitivity is a true illness. I understand it is debilitating and incapacitating. You have my sincere sympathy, and I'd suggest Whole Foods line of body care products - they have a really nice line of fragrance free. If you can make it past the soap aisle!
However, I used to work with a woman who claimed to have a severe chemical sensitivity. I am quite serious as I tell you she would come up to me and sniff me like a dog, when I started working there, interrogating me on which deodorant I used,…
A - don't worry about it. I always wait a while before moderating a comment.
Pretty tired today. Um, more barking excitement last night - someone's dog got out. The boy across the street, the one whose house is for sale, now has a leg cast. I guess he climbed over the wrong gate (he used to to that with our yard a lot). Thank God it didn't happen on my property.
The 10 little piggies next door are building a new junk pile. I throw anything back over the property line if it comes to visit, and put their trash cans (still in the street well after trash pickup) back on their side. But, they're quiet, sane (the homeowner threatened to kill the cat, and meant it, because he LOOKED at her), and don't invade our property. I can live with the junk piles.
I'm actually a very messy housekeeper, out of anyone on the block, I'm probably the least upset. As long as they don't have food trash, and Bubba (cat) comes home with an empty mouth, we're g…
Well, I did a query on my favorite Christian message board, waiting to see what they say about this group.
Like everyone, I know some people involved in some questionable religious groups. I wonder why the JW's like me so much? They are ALWAYS trying to give me something and invite me to a gathering of some sort. I don't think it's just me, though.
I think God uses them to show me, I can be at least that faithful to Him.
This will be more of a random thoughts thing:
Wondering about the blog here; more videos? More text? Any Deaf readers? If so I would do more text, or a text adjunct to the video blog at least summarizing the video. A mix? Comments welcome.
I have some original poetry - any interest in a video blog, me reading some of it? I would rather be flogged than listen to someone reading poetry.
My weight? Right now I feel like I have enough on my plate just maintaining, but I intend to go back to Atkins Induction when I get manic again.
Within the last couple of months, the local newspaper has done two stories. Each featured a woman who had caught a horrible infection, that required the amputation of both arms and both legs.
It got me thinking. I told Ron, I would be furious if you consented to that. One limb, OK, but not all 4. Nothing extreme for me. No dialysis, no transplants. You had better let me keep my lithium to the bitter end. If I am badly burned, let me die. I would rather be dead than badly burned, especially as it's such a long recovery process.
If I am paralyzed from the waist down, I would work with that. Anything "higher" and I will have to refer you to "no extreme measures". I am a Christian, I know where I'm going and I know I'm saved by faith.
Alive at all costs? No way. You will know when it's time to let me go, sooner, rather than later. Don't you torture me because you can't stand the idea of "losing" me. If I'm out …
Ron decided he didn't want to work today, and stayed in bed. The handcart and I went to the store, bought soda, delivered it to my other location, and stocked it. Yay me.
I finally went to my favorite Christian bookstore. They were seriously worried about me and said they'd be praying. I told them Ron is a hardcore alcoholic, and I'd take it. I also got some New Testaments with what was left of my gift card.
I considered buying the 5 love languages book for Ron, but prayed on it and got a no. They had an audio book. I am trying to recognize his love language is acts of service, so when he brought me a cold soda a while back, I treated it as a gesture of love. He hates walking; it hurts his feet. Bringing me a soda is a big deal.
Can I cherrypick? I feel that's what I'm doing; picking out the best and leaving the rest up to God. That's all I can do.
I persist in saying, I don't see how an atheist can get through the day. My problems are …
I like to summarize my thoughts before I start typing, and as I did, I had an aha moment. No wonder I was in such a lousy mood!
Last night: Ron "tried something new with the medication". Cue blackout. Happily, no verbal abuse or shouting at me (I have learned to pretend he's invisible), but a lot of crashing/banging and what was he doing in the laundry room? He knocked over the trash can in the bathroom, dragging a trail of used "things" back to his bedroom. Oh, how I wish I were kidding.
And, that little gray-and-white dog got out again, running all over the neighborhood, and agitating the Barkappotamous next door. Barking, crashing, mumblings... oh, what a night. I tried to count my blessings today, especially when I saw the pit bull car.
Some people who live (I think), in the next subdivision drive around in an average-looking, 4 door, compact car. With their pit bulls hanging out a window, barking viciously at everyone and everything. I first…
Horrendously queasy today. UGH. I'm glad my illness is so severe, trust me, it takes severe medication to tame it.
One thing I don't understand, people who say "Oh, just take something else". Um. NO. I probably talk the most about it, here. Needless to say, it was a horror movie in my brain.
I recently corresponded with someone who had a brief episode of weirdness, and they found it deeply and profoundly disturbing that they didn't feel in control of their brain, for about a minute, and dreaded a reoccurance. It gave me a really good insight into the "normal" mind.
Now envision never feeling in control of your brain; it's the hostage of the illness. Today, my illness would have had me depressed and non-functional. Yeah, I still need to do the dishes, but my husband and I are clean, wearing clean clothes, and I could let a handyman in without worrying. Othertimes it was like being given some kind of hideous stimulant; I couldn't s…
I like watching disaster movies: no matter what's going on in my head, or my life, they always have it a lot worse on my low-definition 24 inch TV screen. [on a side note, when we have had burglaries in the area they have never bothered with the contents of my home] Comet is heading for the earth, volcano, the core stopped spinning (actually some very good movies on that theme), and today's feature, the sun having coronal mass ejections towards the Earth, and impacting.
Nasty stuff, all of it. In at least a couple of movies, the writers covered the theme of "An Ark" - some kind of massive underground bunker designed to shelter "The Best" and save civilization. In the comet movie, they had a lotto for average citizens, plus a list of the invited experts. In this movie, they just had the invited experts.
And, if they were very lucky, their families. As I sat there thinking about the whole concept, I realized that no ark would ever want me and Ron. …
I'm feeling just a tad cranky today. My period is late, again. I have to assume I am premenopausal, which is fine, I would never want to have a child with bipolar disorder. It is a terrible burden to carry - not to mention the fact that I am a carrier for severe immune deficiency.
Not only that, yesterday's Bad Thing (the cookies I mention in the video) triggered a nasty headache.
Now, all that said, I'm working on having a good day. It's hot, it's oppressively humid. I hope it rains. We're running the air conditioner. All quiet on the home front. Yay.
However, I read something today that really pushed my button. I don't know about you, but when someone misquotes the Bible that makes me very angry.
I was on a message board, and she said the Bible said something about "Bow to no man". I know that's a steaming bucket full of... I have read my Bible from cover to cover, more than once.
So, you're right - I need to do some nice things for me this weekend.
First, we got up. Went to work. My label gun malfunctioned again. I had to bring it home. I'll work on it later. We stocked what we could (sales are dead - I am glad we own a small home and don't drive).
Ron actually came out and sat with me outside while I waited on our ride. I like quality time. That's my love language "Quality Time".
We rode around for a bit, the driver was a little into the nailbitey category, but not "biting my cuticles" bad. [laugh] We got to Walmart.
Most of the "Kiddie carts" have bad wheels. I found one that was less damaged than the others, but didn't check the seat. Ron sat in some melted candy. Agh. As his laundress, thank God for Shout gel sticks.
You will probably find it karmic that Ron essentially looked like he'd had a terrible bowel accident, when he did get out of the seat. Then he wanted to walk through…
My #1 thing has not been to get Ron out of my life. My #1 thing is Ron treating me with respect, and I feel valued. I told him that.
He "caught" me making the video blog. I told him I would be happy to play it for him. I told him, I was expressing how I don't feel loved [because of the verbal abuse].
Some raised voices on both our parts; but I told him - this can't continue. I am battling an illness that wants to kill me, and the last thing I need when I'm depressed is to hear the man in my life calling me a broken piece of crap. I told him the cat was a better husband, and more supportive.
He told me he was in a lot of mental pain; I told him so am I. But I don't dump it on you. I understand you are angry and have a lot of frustrations, but you can't continue to take them out on me. How do I know you love me? When was the last time you said something kind and supportive, not 2 minutes ago you said I …
I can't do a video blog tonight, he keeps lurking around.
I wasn't even planning on talking about him, but I feel very uncomfortable doing one in front of him. 1. I never know what he'll say. [His latest thing is yelling the terrorist cry now and then "Just for fun"] and 2. He wants everything to be about him; and feels fairly threatened by the blog. It revolves around me.
Huh, seems to have left me alone. Having a little trouble with the camera now.
He kept shouting at me and telling me it was all my fault, because I "wouldn't communicate". Then accusing me of "trying to dominate him" and how he wished I wasn't in his life.
Oh, we could work on that. I told him "Why don't I just move out?" Big time freakout.
Basically, I couldn't leave him because he is disabled. I said, you don't need me. You can get an employee for the business and a home health aide. YOU DON'T NEED ME.
Ron's in the kitchen right now, I can't really do a video blog.
To answer the question about the "Nice man" - a nice man wouldn't be paying attention to a married woman! Not like that. I am very friendly with everyone, male or female. Today I was chatting with a guy who looked kind of like a human pretzel (he had some back problems). I chatted with a happily married, male, bus driver.
Tomorrow, when he's sober, I plan to set some boundaries with him. "If you curse me out, I will give you a warning. If you curse me out again, I will leave and rent myself a hotel room. I will not help you with anything the next day." I will specify that name callling and cursing are the same.
I was cruising some of my message boards and wondering how I could get a word from God. I remembered, I hadn't done my God Time. If I get any significant insights I'll tell you.
If I did a video blog right now, it would be a real eyeful.
First, my moods are about normal. I am back to my before I cut back soda levels.
I had a weird, post traumatic, dream last night - preRondays. I still have nightmares I am back there.
Let's set the scene, the lawnmower is broken. Lots of drunken shouting, beating on the lawnmower, and attempted repairs on same, in the house. I needed to sweep the tiles; now I REALLY need to.
Then we segue to Ron shouting at me angrily and calling me names. He was entitled. He asked me to find him a tool and I didn't! How dare I fail to serve him! I told him "One more word and you can work by yourself tomorrow, I will walk out this door in a minute". He shut up.
I took a shower, when I came out he was shouting a variation of "Why me" at God. I told him, you treat me like crap, drink yourself stupid every day, and you mess with that chat line [I was cruder and far more profane]. You give God the …