Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Handout photo, as promised

I also put it in the slideshow over there --->

I'm just the lady on the corner.

"Not all of us can hand out Bibles like Heather".  I read that tonight and found it rather distressing. 

Why?  Well, I'm no better than anyone else.  I don't care about public opinion, and I care only to please God.  That's why He uses me for the Bible handouts.  I'm already "crazy", so any possible name calling (and that has never happened on a handout) would just make me laugh.  So what?   

Yesterday, covered in hives and battling a vicious headache and the heat index, He used me.  Why?  Because I was willing. 

I think that's the only thing I have, that someone else might lack.  If I had to guess, I would say your average "Normal" is very concerned with day to day living, and what other people might think. 

My life has taught me to focus on what matters; the afterlife.  If I didn't have my hope of eternity I'd have suicided years ago.  [shrug]  That's my reality. 

I was listening to music tonight, thinking, if I died before I got raptured, which song would I want played at my funeral?  I absently wondered how many people might show, and who might have gotten a Bible.  It doesn't really matter.  I did decide that if I make a request, it will be something bland and pleasant - most people would hate my favorite songs. 

Don't scare the normals, that's my motto. 

So, a guy Ron called a friend is trying to screw him out of the money he "borrowed".  Fine.  If we don't get the money back on Earth, we'll get justice in Heaven. 

Besides, you really don't want to make Ron your enemy.  Ron is pretty smoked.  I think the guy made the same assumption some make with me; just because we're nice, doesn't mean we're weak.  [snort]  Ask Thug Boy about that one!  (I gave him a righteous beating when he tried to mug me at the bus stop). 

However, I'm not making this about injustice and how some people... blah blah blah.  Ron was very angry that the guy implied "Well, you're an alcoholic, what do you know". 

I hope perhaps it might get him to consider his drinking, but that's Ron's problem, not mine and certainly no one else's. 

So, getting back to the original statement; Not everyone "can" hand out Bibles like I do. 

From a logistical standpoint, it's not that hard.  I get the Bibles, bring them home.  I use the internet to get tracts, which arrive in my mailbox.  I take the tract out of my mailbox and put it into the Bible.  I take my master sheets to the copy shop, get more "Where to look in the New Testament" tracts printed, and take them home and stuff them in the Bibles, too.  The Bibles go into a shoulder bag or crate.  I take them and the sign to the bus stop, ride the bus, get off.  I unroll the sign and stand there, waving, until all the Bibles are gone. 

It's not HARD.  It's unusual. 

I do snort at the thought of a Heather on every corner, handing out Bibles every day of the year.  That would be pretty awesome. 

However, I think "we" would reach saturation point pretty quickly, and not everyone is ready for a Bible at the same time.   The guy who avoids me this handout, may be ready during the next one, or the time after that.  Occasionally, I'm stopped by a car.  The driver doesn't want a Bible, but the passenger demands one!  Those are fun. 

So, I do have a usable purpose for God.  I am glad I do.  First handout post. 

Some highlights: I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism. I thought, that would be great after I find a good church, we could all go out and hand out Bibles on street corners. It would be wonderful when I met some other, evangelism minded people. I would hate to die or get raptured without doing this, but I couldn't do it on my own.

It might not be safe. Jesus sent out the disciples in groups of two. I'm a woman, and it's the Last Days. I've already been mugged and shot with a BB gun (yes, I will brag on the attacks I've had as I do God's will - Paul did!); what else might happen? Maybe later, maybe never. I'll look like a homeless addict begging for money!

Yesterday I was reading a book on evangelism and God began to impress the absolute NEED to go out into the street this morning with a case of Bibles and begin handing them out. I trotted out all the excuses. I told God, make it MORE obvious.

He  made it abundantly clear. Do this! OK, Lord. You want me to do this, I'll do it. I find it a little sad that he uses me. I see myself as less than a "normal" person. He has to use ME? I see myself as an imperfect tool. Kind of like a fork with one tine.

What do I see in that post?  A lot of "normal people" concerns, and the usual expectation for God to make it loud (His will).  I also see a willingness, and I think that's the only thing that seperates me from a Sunday Christian. 
God has called all of us to share the Gospel, and I think today's church structure has muted that call to "Throw a few dollars in the plate on Mission Sunday".  Did you have that in your Church?  We did.  ONE Sunday a year, missionaries from all over the world came to our church and spoke briefly about their service "over there".  They had pretty slideshows and stories, and everyone threw some money in the plate when it came by.  Then "missions" went away for the rest of the year.
I don't see that in the Bible!  What I see is Jesus reaching out to everyone, and doing it ever day He served on this Earth.  I believe we are led to do the same. 
Does that mean I think I need to do a Bible handout every day of the year?  No.  He tells me, quality matters.  If I only hand out one Bible in my lifetime, and it gets into the right hands, that may be all He needed. 
In my case, a little more quantity. 
However, here are some things everyone can and I believe, should, do, daily.  Oooh  good grammar!  [snort]
1.  Read your Bible every day.  You can use a reading plan, a lot of good ones available.  Here is an email plan  Here are some plans that don't require any personal information  If you have a Bible, it may already have a reading plan in the back.  Take a look. 
2.  Pray daily.  Not the usual "God bless me and everyone I love amen" prayer.  Pray for everyone, everywhere.  Pray for the unreached, the new believers, the persecuted, etc.  If anyone is interested I will put up some of my stuff.  Ask God to show you His will.  Tell God you are willing to let Him use you, however He chooses.  Amazing things will happen!  You may suddenly discover a "call"! 
3.  Work on loving your enemies, praying for those who hurt you (Luke 6:28).  Ask God to put His love in your heart, for them.  In my case, I actually feel very sorry for 99% of the people who hurt us.  Do your best not to break any commandments, but if you do apologize and work on whatever led you to it.  I believe a lot of "sin" is opportunity.  I do not allow myself to be alone with a member of the opposite sex, for instance.  Too many complicatons could ensue. 
That's it.  That's all I've "done".  Of course I got "saved" - asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life.  He's done a great job, and done a lot more with me than anyone would have dreamed. 
HE gets the credit.  He's the force behind the handouts.  I'm just the lady on the corner. 

Monday, May 30, 2011


Anne made a good point; I'm manic. 

It's funny, a manic can sneak up on me and I'm happy to see it.  I'm happy to see it, these days. 

The Before Manias (before medication) were horrible, paranoid, irritable, nasty things.  I really felt someone had hijacked my brain, even more so than the depressions. 

The medicated ones are more "fun", but exhausting.  I can see why God put the depression in there, gives me a chance to recover.  I have to say I've done quite a bit during this one. 

Anyway, I don't always recognize a mania when it's there; and I forget about drug interactions. 

I took a nap today, and as I lay in bed with the cat pressed against my leg, I wondered why I had been so hyper the last few days.  Then I remembered the headaches; horrible nasty pre-migraines.  I've had them the last few days. 

If I hadn't taken Excedrin, they would have been migraines.  But, taking the medication amplified the mania. 

When I'm up, pretty much anything I put in my mouth will make me more manic (decongestants, antihistamines, over the counter headache pills, etc).  When I'm depressed, the opposite is true; pretty much anything I put in my mouth will make the depression worse. 

With, the exception of lithium.  If I'm up too high, it levels me (did a great job today!).  If I'm too depressed, it smooths off the edges. 

I thank God for lithium everytime I put it in my mouth.  "Before" is just a bad memory. 

"After" is a lot more livable, thanks to the lithium and other medications. 

Post Handout Video

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Video Blog

I was feeling really intelligent about managing my hives; ate some Pringles.  Read the label after eating "contains wheat". 

Oh, wonderful. 

I'm pretty tired, but I got the case of Bibles, and 100 copies of "Where to Look in the New Testament".  Plan to do the handout Monday morning. 

I hate to be an irritable whiner; so I won't. 

My firiend confirmed she got the stuff I mailed, and plans to hand it out this weekend. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Don't scare the customers.

I was really glad I ask God to put His thoughts, in my head. 

Today we went to work.  I helped Ron with various things (they aren't buying snacks, but they are buying drinks), and at one point he realized I had put the donuts in the big stockroom. 

He was very upset.  I got pretty annoyed but managed to hold back. 

While I was waiting on the ride, I thought to myself: I got 3 deliveries.  I had a quarterly review.  I helped the repairman.  I stocked.  I took money out of the vending machines, counted it, and bundled it for deposit.  I had 5 hours. I did a good job. 

I didn't jump on Ron with it; I waited.  I could tell he was equally angry at HIMSELF for neglecting the donuts.  As we went home, we started talking about our trips for tomorrow. 

"By the way" I mentioned casually 'The next time I have 3 deliveries, a pull (the money), a repairman, our boss, and stocking, I'm going to need MORE than 5 hours".  He agreed happily. 

Problem solved. 

My hives are mad; and oozing.  Yuck.  They'll scab over and stop itching soon, then I'll apply my wonderful steroid cream later, after my shower. 

I heard from my friend, the lady who is distributing the Bibles.  She said she is going to make it a family event.  Sounds fun!  I think she is a little skeptical about the QUANTITY, but with what I've heard, I'm glad I sent everything.  In total, several hundred items. 

Well, I have a couple Gospels of John with a lady in a wheelchair on the front; and a few Chinese-language scripture booklets, but that's it!  Oh, and Ron said the postage was "on him", it was a gift, not a loan. 

Yay!  I also need to contact Grace and Truth, and get more "The Value of Trials" and "Why Does God allow Trouble?"  I thought those were good disaster tracts.  Maybe get some more "As in the Days of Noah" and "Debt Paid", too. 

I was talking to the Jehovah's Witness at work; one thing we do have in common - we take our faith seriously.  He told me once I couldn't *save* him, and I agreed.  I told him only God could do that, and only if he asked God to do it.  After that we made a truce. 

Anyway, I mentioned how I'd sent the Bibles off, and he said, after Hurricane Katrina [thousands of people were evacuated to a stadium in downtown Houston], the JW's at the shelter reported a tremendous demand for Bibles, but once they left the stadium they couldn't return. 

I felt very validated.  People really want Him right now. 

Ugh.  It is miserably hot today.  I'm hiding inside, and I'm hot and itchy and I really need to learn DON'T PUT WHEAT IN MY MOUTH, EVER.  AGH.  It is my fault. 

Well, fire ant bites are worse, so I have that. 

I need to finish the laundry, but it's too hot to run the dryer.  Tomorrow, we also need to get a quote from USAA (my Dad was in the Army) for homeowners insurance.  That's due pretty soon. 

I also need to pick my pole beans, they are ready.  I think we got some rain last night, not much, but a dab.  Either that or my neighbor's sprinkler is shooting 30 feet into my yard (doubtful). 

Ron just came out and told me it's 95 degrees.  No wonder I feel cranky.  And itchy. 

NEVER eat wheat.  I'm going to have to wear my long, baggy, cotton pants tomorrow so my legs don't scare the customers.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I'm in the mood to repost it:

Heather, I need you this way

.When I was a kid I'd fall and I'd cry

I'd look at the others, I'd moan and I'd sigh

.God why am I different? It's not very fair

They can do so much, I just can't compare.

I tried and I tried to learn tying my shoes

I'd fall off my bike, and was plagued by the blues

Depressed as a child! Sure doesn't seem fair!

I hated my glasses, my feet, and my hair.

I tried to make friends, so strange and so wierd

My company? No thanks! I was to be feared!

I sighed and I cried and I leaned upon God

I took him my pain and I made him my Rock.

When others were playing, and on the home phone

I was in my room, with God, never alone.

He told me again and again, oh it seemed

."I'm going to use you, for wonderful things."

As I got older, I realized my brain

Was broken and different, a source of much pain

I cried and I raged and felt bitter inside

When I realized that I never would drive

Stuck on the bus for the rest of my life!

No man would ever want that for a wife!

My glasses so thick, and my face broken out

My bitterness, raging, at God I would shout.

God why did you ever create me this way?

Are you sick, mad or just playing a game?

I love you so much but you weren't thinking straight

Had I been normal I could have done many things.

I could have reached others and led them to you

I could have made money, not cried with the blues.

Instead I have migraines, the ups and the downs

Can't live in the country, it must be the town.

God smiled and told me that soon I would see.

He had wonderful plans in store for plain old me.

I met my true love, at a certain job.

I only got because I'm off in my "knob".

Had I been born normal we would not have met.

One moment beside him, and our fates were set.

True love had stuck hard and fast and this I know.

We'll stay together, through sun and the snow.

God took many years before His plan was revealed.

A horrible accident, pain and harsh tears.

I looked around one day, my Bible in hand

And realized the others, on Him couldn't stand.

They din't know Jesus, they were all alone!

I couldn't stand that, put some Bibles on "loan".

The others so grateful someone had shared Him.

My future was set and the pain grew quite Dim.

I asked God for others to show them the way.

He said they were busy, or quite far away.

I said I could help if He wanted me to,

He said to me, "Heather! That's why I made you!

I need you to hand out Bibles on the bus.

I need you, with candy, to show them my love

I need you at multiple bus stops to stand,

To smile at the ugly, with Bible in your hand.

When you get mugged, I'll need you to pray.

For the poor dumb kid who stumbled your way

I need to to pray and I need you to care

Because you know this world is cold and unfair.

I knew that no one else could do this job so well.

So I made you for it, like ringing a bell. .

I knew you could go with my love in your heart;

I knew that you'd go even when it's hard.

I know you will care and I know you will love

The pull to go, know that it comes from above.

I'll guide you and show just what you should do.

I need you for this, that's why I made you.

If you were born normal, you'd be in a car.

And not at the bus stop, you'd be quite far.

I couldn't use you if you made lots of cash.

I need you with time and a big Bible stash."

I told him I'd go and I have no regrets.

I scratch my head sometimes, I often forget.

I lose things, my moods change, and yet He's still there

He fills me up, constantly, full of His care.

I hope that one day sometime after I've died.

I'll sit up in heaven, a large table beside.

I'll ask God about it, and He will just grin;

That's for the souls that you helped Me call in.

I'll sit at my table, I'll feast and I'll smile.

The cashiers, bus drivers, and others beside.

We'll laugh and we'll sing and God will kindly say:

Heather, you know why I made you this way
Some people are acting like what I did (sending off Bibles to a disaster zone) is a really big deal.  Well, hopefully it will be for the recipents.  I'm just being a good Bible donkey, toting them to the Post Office. 

I worry more about K., getting hassled by Bad Things, as she distributes.  I don't think I deserve praise for being obedient and doing God's will.   I want to please God. 

He's looking after me, case in point, 7 pounds of ground beef for $7.  That's an amazing deal.  I got the day off to run my errand, and I even get my beloved cheddarburgers. 

Ron, by the way, woke up when I put a few, on a plate, in his room.  He gave many happy moans as he gobbled them like a hungry animal.  Very cute.  His have onions and red pepper; mine do not.   His are done, mine are smoking. 

So far, for the evening I need to do my God Time (didn't this morning), finish cooking the meat, eat, and take my pills.  I also need a shower after walking around in the heat all day, and smoking those burgers!  No wonder I haven't seen the cat! 

I told Ron, the cat tried to run when he saw me with the Laxatone; that's not the action of a sick pet.  A sick pet would have just endured the "dose".  Bubba was actively trying to escape, in his ever-polite and non-aggressive way. 

High pressure, a Bible Donkey, and some whining.

I never expect an "easy" time when I'm doing a handout.  I expect trouble.  I know the thought of a hungry soul reading a Bible makes Bad Things very, very, angry. 

I don't know why I expected today to be different.  Yesterday I contacted someone "on the ground" in Joplin.  She lives nearby.  I offered to send her some stuff (a couple hundred scripture booklets, and a case of New Testaments).  She accepted, and sent me her address. 

Today we got up and went to Foodtown.  I needed some soda for work, and a few groceries.  I found my coveted $1 a pound ground beef special, and bought 7 pounds to cook on the grill.  We came home. 

Ron decided he didn't want to work today [shrug].  He can do that.  He told me I could have today off, and gave me a small advance on my pay (I needed it for postage). 

I got "strapped" - not the gang vernacular for carrying a gun, but strapped that case of Bibles onto my handcart.  I put the priority mail flat rate box, full of booklets, on top of that.  I found out, after mailing, they weighted about 35 pounds.  Stick in a big jar of candy for the Postal Clerk and I'm off. 

I had to get the cart on and off 3 different buses.  It dawned on me, halfway there, I could have simply called a cab.  It would have cost about $15.  But where I have no qualms spending money on others... I didn't think of myself. 

I'm calling a cab next time.  Ugh.  It was HOT.  Sunny.  Happily it was also windy.  We are on the edge of all the severe weather, but still protected by a stubborn area of high pressure.  We could really use an inch or two of rain. 

Of course I had the LONGEST wait ever, between buses.  Expected that.  Expected to have hassles getting the cart on and off the bus.  Did not expect the alcoholic at the bus stop to keep bugging me about schedules.  I kept telling him I didn't know.  Finally dropped a BIG hint "I bet it's faster if you ride your bike", and he left.  I was right, turns out! 

Finally got off the last bus.  Now I get to "offroad" the handcart, with it's 40 pound load, 5 pack of Diet Dr Pepper, a bag full of tie downs, an extra ball cap, and a big plastic jar of "Now and Later" candies. 

You bet your ass, I'm calling a cab next time!  I'm amazed a wheel didn't fall off; that's all on God.  As I struggled, I reminded myself that I don't want the swollen, useless ego.  OH, look at me!  I'm so holy, perfect, and rightous!  I help the needy!  Look at me!  [gag]

If that means I'm a Bible Donkey, sweating and dragging a wobbly handcart, so be it.  I'm glad He can use me, to haul His Word.  I found the whole sequence very interesting.  The bookstore just happened to have an unopened case of Bibles, I just happened to buy it, just happened not to open it, and just happened to have a long term internet acquaintence offer to distribute for me. 

I venture to say, the idea of a Bible handout would scare most Christians.  I finally made it. 

I took my time, taping the boxes shut and enxuring I wouldn't have any drama in transit.  Hauled it up to the counter.  The candy was a big hit.  Postal regulations say I can give a gift, less than $10, and not a weapon or alcohol.  She was happy to get it. 

Postage was not cheap, good thing I got the advance.  It ate the whole advance and a little more, but averaged out to a little over a dollar a pound.  Not bad at all, and she should have it by this weekend. 

Bubba-cat is acting a lot more "himself", and running away when he sees the Laxatone in my hand.  [laugh]  He's a smart boy.  I feel awful, dosing him. 

Ron had bugged me to get him some takeout, so I picked up some fried chicken for him.  I got myself a Starbucks, but it was pretty loud.  A couple of "intellectuals" loudly debated politics, while two Asian men engaged in a high-speed exchange in their native language.  It was a little much. 

I also realized I was in a really irritable mood.  Lithium time!  I took it. 

I had good bus transfers to get home; and gave Ron his chicken.  My hives (I ate chicken nuggets this weekend) were acting up so I took a Benadryl and specifically told Ron I was taking a nap. 

Well, it was "After 12" - he'd had a bit to drink and woke me up begging the cat not to die.  I kept telling Ron he was fine and I was trying to sleep, he just stormed off.  Well, I'm awake NOW. 

I should have figured on a few more attacks. 

So, I lit the coals, and they're heating up for the first batch of cheddarburgers. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

No atheists in foxholes

It will come as no surprise.  I am attempting to re-home a case of New Testaments to Missouri. 

Bear with me, if you've read this before.  January 2003 was a very bad time for me.  Ron had been hit by a pickup truck, while walking to work, and sustained MAJOR damage.  He actually died on the scene and was revived. 

He was airlifted to the trauma center, with a very grim prognosis.  I wonder if they thought he'd be an organ donor. 

When I heard the news, the first thing I grabbed was my Bible.   Even backslidden, I knew I was in for a pain only He could bear.  In fact, as I waited, He gave me the answer I sought, Ron would live.  Psalm 72

I had a Bible, and the comfort of knowing God.  As Ron slowly improved, I started to look around.  I had God.  I had a Bible. 

They didn't.  I watched families on deathwatch, lamenting things they'd said and done.  I watched people get the good news their loved one had survived surgery; and saw them taken off to the quiet room when they didn't. 

So much pain.  I had a Bible.  They didn't. 

I had to share.  The next time I went home, I got the extra paperback Bibles I'd picked up during various manias, and brought them to the hospital. 

I laugh now at my fear.  I was so timid.  So afraid of what they would think.  I put the Bibles out when everyone went to lunch, then took my own lunch as they came back. 

When I came back, every family had a Bible.  Every single one. 

They say there are no atheists in foxholes; from what I've seen, no atheists in ICU waiting room, either. 

So, as I read about the progressive tragedy that is Joplin, Missouri, a case of Bibles silently burn a hole in my carpet.  If at all possible, I'll send them to Missouri, where they can bring comfort to hurting souls. 

Please take a moment to pray for the victims. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Learn to play

I see myself as a patriotic citizen.  I have the Constitution and Bill of Rights on my electronic book.  I'm not just registered, I walk a couple miles each way, to vote, every election.  Offhand, I can trace some family ancestry back to the 1600's.  My Dad served during Vietnam, I lost one grandfather during WW2, and the other one served 4 years during the conflict, leaving his infant son (my Dad).  I was born a citizen. 

In Texas, "we" - the Anglo culture, have been around for approximately 200 years.  We think we own the the territory. 

We don't. 

Firstly, it belongs to God.  My husband often states that since God owns everything, the whole concept of nations is redundant.  He has a point. 

All of us, the proud, flag-waving "white" American Citizens... we forget.  It really is GOD's country. 

Secondly, "They" were here first.  The Latino culture has been in Southeast Texas for about 400 years, TWICE as long as ANY white man.  If you take a longer, harder, look, the Native cultures were around for far longer than that.  You can't argue the point.  We just managed to exterminate the Natives, not a real proud moment, in my opinion. 

All you can say is that "we" kicked "their" butts some 200 years ago, in a war.  "We" won the land.  All well and good.  I'm glad.  I love Houston, I love the climate and the culture.  I love living in America. 

But it's kind of reduntant to say "They are taking over".  Numerically, yes, "They" are.  I believe I am actually a minority now.  But people forget:

They had it first. 

Does that mean we should just deed everything over to Mexico?  No.  The country is horribly corrupt and inhospitable for the common man trying to make a living.  I thank God everyday my husband is disabled in America!  He'd be begging, in Mexico. 

However, you have 2 kids in the playpen, if not more (we have other, thriving, cultures as well, which I love).  We cannot expect to have a predominately white culure with English-only standards.  We are going to have to press one, for English, when we make a phone call.  We will see a lot of bilingual labels and signs.  We will see some wierd things on the menu. 

In botanical terms, a hybrid often has a lot more vigor than either of the parent species.  I think the same applies to Tex-Mex culture.  We each have a tremendous amount to offer the other. 

If we can learn to play. 

Doesn't anyone say thank you, and mean it?

It's a triple post day. 

Got up at 3.  Did not do my God Time.  Sorry, Lord. 

Went to work.  It was a nice Pakistani man.  He liked it when I thanked him in Arabic.  [SHOO-kran]

We got to work a little after 4.  Did a lot of prep work, getting the stockroom ready for our soda delivery.  Had a down vending machine, fixed that.  Fixed the other down vending machines. 

One I couldn't fix, the repairman came out.  He said I "Take very good care of the machines".  I took it as a compliment.  He ended up taking off a bill validator for repair (it has a bad belt). 

Deliveryman arrived.  The soda was on one pallet, so I could just "drop" it in the stockroom and run off.  Got all 3 deliveries.  Poor Dave, he is always so happy to see me with a soda.  Doesn't anyone say thank you, and mean it? 

Ron said I was a big help.  He was very worried about Bubba, who ought to be fine.  I was rather hivey from the chicken nuggets I had yesterday. 

I didn't sleep well, but I found it so refreshing to wake up and have a big drink of my diet caffeine free soda.  I felt very pampered.  And I did my usual "I can't sleep so I will pray instead". 

Got all the donuts, sandwiches, etc.  Dealt with an unhappy [doesn't put any money in the vending machines anyway, so not calling her a customer], customer. 

Then quarterly review time.  We did well.  He likes my value line and practical attitude towards sales.  "They're not getting better - I get that."  I tend to mainly talk shop with him, and he went off and talked to the other vendor, after. 

I staggered off to the bus stop, came home, rested a little bit.  Stuffed Bubby into his cat carrier as Ron called a cab.  One showed up pretty fast.  We got to the vet, got him seen, called another cab, and came home. 

It was very obvious to both of us, the vet LOVES Bubba.  He is a real charmer, and very well-mannered on the table.  Not one hiss, growl, or twitch.  He was a very good and passive boy. 

He got all his shots, while we were there anyway.  She said it was fine.  Sent us home with tuna-flavored vaseline. 


Bubba has been rather lethargic, the last week or so.  Ron's been very anxious and decided to take him to the vet. 

I got up at 3 AM, went to work, worked a full day, came home, stuffed Bubby in his carrier, and took him to the vet, in a cab, with Ron.  Boy, what a production. 

He has lost about a pound and a half, he's "Only" 11 pounds.  She did a very detailed exam, and said he is fine, but most likely a hairball.  She dosed him with Laxatone. 

As I told Ron, it's coming out now, one end or the other.  Boy, is it coming.  I've had other hairball cats.  I get the joy of dosing him for the next couple days. 

If he doesn't perk up, she wants to see him in another week or two. 

I found it very encouraging that Bubby was his usual charming self, to the humans, but had plenty of growling for the vet cat that approached him as we waited to be seen. 

If he were really sick, he wouldn't have cared. 

How dare I offer a good deal?

I had a real trip to the land of wierdness today.

It was about 5 AM.  I'm servicing the vending machines.  I hear a woman talking angrily, saying the world "Wrong".  I turn and look; she's pointing angrily at the contents of the vending machine. 

I walk over "Is there a problem?"  

Boy, was there.  She was quite upset, that I dared to offer cookies for 40 cents.  Especially since the cookies had Spanish on the labels.  How dare the vendor show such favoritism, by offering cheaper cookies to the Spanish customers!  It was WRONG, THAT'S WHAT! 

I said, "I service the machines.  Let me get this straight, you want me to take these out of the vending machine because they are a good deal, and happen to have Spanish on the label?"  She started backpedaling, said I didn't HAVE to take them out, but the fact that they were cheaper, and had Spanish on the labels, was just "wrong".  I told her, "It sounds rather racist, what you are saying.  Are you saying I am a racist?"  No.  I asked her if I looked Hispanic.  No.  But it was wrong.  I heard that word a lot, "Wrong". 

She very angrily asked me why I was selling them for 40 cents; I told her, I got a good deal; and I pass my savings on to the customer.  Are you angry about that?  She was, actually.  The eavesdroppers started looking mildly alarmed. 

I told her (and the eavesdroppers), You know, if - IF, I took these cookies out, it would have the same old cookies as any other machine, AND they'd be 20 cents more expensive?  Does anyone want that?  I looked around.  No one seemed to like the idea.  I looked at her, Do you want that?  I can tell people I took the cookies out, because you objected, and that's why they have to pay more money. 

No, no, she didn't want that.  I just had to be aware it was WRONG.  She wandered off, still angry. 

So, I told Ron.  He wanted to know where she was, so he could tell her off.  [head in hands]  Somehow, I couldn't find her. 

We had our quarterly review.  Our supervisor came out; I told him in case she files a formal complaint.  "The {federal building] is selling cookies with Spanish on the wrapper!  And offering a good deal!"  I don't care about your racial makeup, these are really good cookies.  I'd pay 80 cents for them.  He was like, what?  I won't repeat the rest, but he told me to keep them. 

I found it very telling, the woman kept saying "We, I, all of us..." I have read that when someone had a major emphasis on a PLURAL pronoun, it is really a singular pronoun.  "Us" really means "I".   Well, it's true, you can't make everyone happy. 

Just for fun, I think I will program one of the machines to speak Spanish on the display, Wednesday.  It is very easy. I wonder if anyone will notice?   

I hope she doesn't find out about the crackers!  I only sell them for a quarter! 

At any rate, everyone said I handled it well.  I'm glad she pointed them out, I need 3 more cases.  She tried to tell me "No one buys them anyway" and I told her they are one of my best-sellers.  She didn't like that. 

I don't think she liked much, today.  I will use this as a reminder to take my pills.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


If you are craft-minded, you might enjoy this. I documented the creation of my e-book case.

Also lovely bonus shot of Bubba.

Ebook holder

Friday, May 20, 2011

Never take your digestion for granted

Ah, it seems I am FINALLY over my "ailment", whatever it was.  Not fun. 

I have to give my "proper respect" to the beloved jar of hydrogenated, chunky, peanut butter.  It WORKED.  When I was queasy, I could keep it down.  More importantly, I could keep the LITHIUM down, with a nice pre-and-post peanut butter.  Praise God. 

I am AWFUL off my meds.  [shudder]  It's like being possessed.  [another shudder]

I actually had a post traumatic nightmare today.  I thought those were over-and-done, but apparently not.  Bad, bad, days before medication. 

Sorry to wander, got up at 4.  Slept HORRIBLY.  I must have had too much caffeine.  I try to do a lot of praying, not obsess about stupid stuff I can't fix, and just leave myself in His hands.  God doesn't need me to be fiercely independent.  He WANTS me leaning on Him. 

Slept in, for me.  Didn't do the prayer part yet, just the morning Bible study.  I like to start the day with God in my head.  Do I remember and meditate?  No.  But I'm putting it in my head, and that matters. 

Off to work.  Nice driver.  Got there an hour early.  I was walking funny and very medicated.  I managed to mash up all the cardboard, and stock what I had, into the machines.  I helped Ron, he was very appreciative.  We both made a lot of "stupid" mistakes, and I was teasing him. 

"Why do they let us live on our own?'  I figure, it's because it is a lot cheaper to "let" us live on our own, than to put us in the supervised living we "probably" need.  At least, we needed it today. 

Yike.  Anyway, we wobbled out to the bus stop, went home.  I mentioned they had opened a new buffet restaurant near our house. j It certainly smelled good; and it was very reasonably priced.  I told Ron and we agreed to try it today (total meal was less than $20). 

He had been looking forward to it all day.  Of course our pickup was late.  We got there and I sat Ron down.  He asked me to fix him a plate.  After 19 years, I have a pretty good idea what appeals. 

He loved his plate, and happily munched it (no loud moaning, and he even used a fork!) as I got my own plate.  I thought my food was "pretty good" - Ron thought it was absolutely fantastic.  He asked if I'd come back, I said sure.  I can certainly make a buffet work for me. 

I had a good view outside, and right as we paid I saw our ride pull up.  It was even a straight ride home.  Good luck getting that again!  I took a nap, I'd had a few carbs.  Had the nightmare, woke up, and here I am. 

Tomorrow we go to the wholesale warehouse to get supplies for work.  We have an inspection Monday; and I have to fill out some reports.  I plan to do it tomorrow so Sunday really will be a day off. 

Monday, it's up at 2 AM to get my soda. 

False prophet

As an evangelical Christian, I guess I "have" to say something about the current rapture prediction.  All of these quotes are from the NKJV Bible, copyright

Let's see what Jesus said:
"36 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven,[a] but My Father only. 37 But as the days of Noah were, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be."
Matthew 24

"50 the master of that servant will come on a day when he is not looking for him and at an hour that he is not aware of, 51 and will cut him in two and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth"
More Matthew 24

"32 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
Mark 13:32

One of my favorites; Jesus is VERY clear. 
"45 But if that servant says in his heart, ‘My master is delaying his coming,’ and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and be drunk, 46 the master of that servant will come on a day when he is not looking for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in two and appoint him his portion with the unbelievers. 47 And that servant who knew his master’s will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes."
Luke 12:45-47

Just in case you thought God would actually rapture us tomorrow, which he COULD, the Bible is very clear on one thing; we may know the season, and it's the season, but no one knows the actual day. 

How many people would live completely immoral lives until one day before the Rapture, then get saved?  Most!  I probably would! 

The only purpose I can see in the upcoming "false alarm" - everyone has certainly learned about the rapture.  In fact, the Bible says, that:
3 knowing this first: that scoffers will come in the last days, walking according to their own lusts, 4 and saying, “Where is the promise of His coming? For since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of creation.” 5 For this they willfully forget: that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of water and in the water, 6 by which the world that then existed perished, being flooded with water.

2 Peter 3:3-6

So, yeah, we are absolutely going to be mocked.  I am sure there will be plenty of it in days to come.  However, the actual mocking is yet another sign of the imminent rapture! 

A closing thought:
2 Timothy 4:2
2 Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Take it easy.

I don't do "sick" very well, especially when I am mildly ill.  I turn into a horrendous bitch. 

I have been really cranky today.  Almost had a disaster at Walmart.  I will say NO MORE.  I didn't bite Ron, but I have been taking silent offense to plenty. 

My E-book was acting up; but tech support was great.  I had Craig put me on with his boss, so he could have a compliment.  I learned that one from Ron. 

Agh.  I had a pretty good appetite for lunch, ate that, took both lithium (smart move as it turns out), and went to bed.  Exhausted.  Woke up really nauseous, but able to drink. 

Drinking a lot to flush "whatever" out of my system. 

Ron bought me more canning jars, so I could make "more delicious beans".  He has eaten every jar I canned.  I'm always happy to cook, especially for a fan.  They are processing now.  He helped cut up the sausage. 

He was a little cranky but sweetened up when I gave him a small bowl.  I cook the beans until done, then can them. 

Pretty queasy, fatigued, tired.  I do have a bad taste in my mouth so I think it is lithium toxicicity.  I know I didn't spell that right. 

I am ready to be better, but I guess God wants me to take it easy for a while. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I've had many interests over the years.  One of them, herbalism.  I always knew something was "wrong" (bipolar disorder), yet the professionals all said it was just normal, post-traumatic business.  My teenaged experience with SSRI's, in my teens was very disappointing.  We won't tell my parents, but I was still pretty badly suicidal at times, on the drugs. 

Anyway, I became interested in herbalism.  They have different names for various classses of herbs.  An expectorant helps you cough up junk.  A febrifuge helps you break a fever.  A tonic is an all around boost.  Those are the most sought-out herbs, like ginseng. 

A purgative, is a very strong laxative.  I feel like I had a whole kettle full of the most violent purgative imaginable.  I thought the "dieter's tea" incident was bad - I was passing blood, it was so harsh (taken at one-third "as-directed"). 

I've never understood the whole colon cleansing things.  I have met a lot of people who swear by them, who just love the idea of spending hours in the bathroom, flushing their lives away.  They seem to feel it is good for "detox" and weight loss. 

Ever heard of a steam room?  If I could have anything, and have it magically maintain and pay for itself, I'd have a steamroom.  If I had some money, no magic, I'd say a sauna.  Where would I put it?  [laughing]  Good question. 

I know it's important to care for myself.  One reason I bought some bottled veggie juice.  I figured I could use the nutrition.  I try to take some vitamins on a regular basis.  I am working on eliminating highly processed, high-carb foods, from my diet.  I certainly don't need them. 

So, as I battle my Clostridium infection, meditating on the fact that I chose to eat the item that infected me, wondering why I thought it was a good idea to buy a sausage and egg kolache at 1 PM, wracked with cramps and fatigue... I can't imagine paying to feel this way. 

If I wanted a good "cleanse", I know of plenty of herbs that would do the trick.  I never do those purges.  It reminds me of the middle ages, when they thought bloodletting was a good idea. 


I'll just stay hydrated, thanks.   

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Mental illness hair

The rest of the day.

I cover a rather painful aspect of my "limitations"; nothing to do with bipolar disorder.

"Your wife really loves you!"

Under pressure.  Not just the song... Ron woke up in a HORRENDOUS mood. 

It's my Day Off, but I agreed to run to Foodtown this morning.  We need some supplies for work, and I can always use a couple of six-packs of Diet Dr Pepper.  [Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I got sick, and I envision people visiting me with six-packs of Diet Dr Pepper - the perfect gift.]  We made the trip. 

Didn't get that quality of sleep, kept hitting the snooze button.  Pretty soon I barely had time to do my morning Bible study, and forget about prayer time.  [snort]  That's why I hope, to God, I really do not portray myself as some holy saint.  Someone, seriously, called me that recently and I had a mild hysteria.  That goes to Luke 17:10 - "When you have done all these things, say 'I am an unprofitable servant, I have only done my duty.'"  I agree completely, if you think I'm doing a good job, I'm not.  You're just seeing God, in me, doing a good job. 

Me?  [laugh]  I'm far from perfect. 

So, the ride was late.  Ron was in a vile mood pretty much from 6 AM.  It's almost 10 now.  He's snarling and stomping around.  It's completely obvious he had a bad night. 

It must have been God, but I found myself saying "It's pretty clear to me you aren't having a good day."  Wow!  That was a really delicate phrasing.  He was snapping, but nothing directly at me. 

However, I don't know about you, but when I'm around someone who is barking and snarling, it's really hard to avoid reacting.  I wanted to yell at him "Shut up and count your blessings". 

Sadly, I have yet to find THAT verse in my Bible!  [braying laughter]  I've looked, though. 

My Bible says pray for people who are unkind and hateful (Luke 6:28).  So, eventually I did just that. 

I ask God to keep me humble; patient, kind, and loving.  Ron's behavior certainly helped with the first two. 

Our ride was really late; Ron was very angry that he is dependent on others to get him around.  He had a lot to say. 

I got out my e-book and started sorting my books by category, and putting them into subdirectories.  So far, I have 8 poetry,  73 "History and Biography", 35 classic literature, 28 Christian classics, and 4 daily Bible and devotions. I need to make a textbook/manual directory, and a modern fiction directory.  They don't call them directories, but it's the good old DOS path (hard-drive - main directory - sub directory) principle.  Really, I found it so easy to work a computer once I understood path and directory structure. 

Anyway, I've only spent about $40 on books.  That's really good, considering.  $14 of that was Bibles.  I got a textbook on bipolar disorder (MEATY rascal), for $4, you get the idea.  Some fiction, too.  "People of the Ark" was VERY well reviewed, and "Spies in the Promised Land" - great reviews and only $1.  I am a little depressed for fiction, hard time with the focus.  I can, however, organize my "library".  I even made a wish list for my sister, free books (she just got one, as a gift).  A list for Sue (and anyone else) .  I am "up" for that kind of work. 

Eventually, the ride came.  For some reason, Ron just loved the driver and his mood did a complete 180.  He was laughing and joking all the way to Foodtown.  "Your wife really loves you, Ron!" she told him as he got out. 

He sat down, still OK.  I went off and got the merchandise.  Cookies, crackers, soda.  My soda, and some Honeybuns for the people at the Christian bookstore.  Finished up 10 minutes before the pickup. 

The ride came, two of them, actually.  The first cab was nearly full, and the client in the front seat had a very sour expression.  I really did not want to ride in that cab; but of course we did.  Not my choice. 

The drivers were going to make Ron stand there, while they talked to dispatch.  He objected.  Loudly. 

I have never met the client in the front seat.  She does not live in my subdivision.  She asked the driver where we were going, and the driver said, to drop them (Ron and I), off.  The client asked the street name, and the driver mispronounced it.  The client began giving directions. 

I told her "That's OK, I can get us home",
"And then you turn" (completely in the wrong direction)
"That's OK, I've got it, ma'am"
"Go straight, and then..."
"Ma'am!  I know how to get to my own house.  Thank you for your help, but I will give the directions." 
A lot of very sour grumblings, then she shut up.  I could tell she'd have a LOT to say after we got out.  [scoff]   If, as I assume, the client wanted to get "destinated" quickly, then "letting" me give directions would make things go a lot faster. 

I mean, rude?  I don't always do so well with the social stuff but I would never interrupt another client, giving directions to the driver.  Especially to another person's home, which I have never seen. 

Ron caught his foot while I was guiding him, and had a whole lot to say about it.  He kept telling me again and again how I needed to to that in the future. 

I am sorry.  I assumed I could carry two very large and heavy tote bags, open the door, and guide him all at the same time.  Agh.  With an audience of the entire cab.  I *thought* I put the groceries out of his way. 

Once we got inside Ron went off and yelled at God, literally, for quite a while, then came out AGAIN to tell me I had to always, always, tell him if I put a bag of groceries down.  ACK. 

I had bought him a small snack, so I gave it to him.  He went off, more yelling at God, then I heard crunching noises. 

It reminded me of the barking dog - Ron used to say "A full mouth doesn't bark".  How true. 

It's only 10:20 in the morning.  What ELSE will happen today? 

I'm almost scared to leave!  [laugh]

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I always pay

Thanks for the tip, Harry! 

I had gotten a little cocky about my depression.  Sure, I had it, but I HAD it.. under control.  Ha!  Got munched PRETTY GOOD the last couple days. 

I know it's bad when I'm sitting in the house in the middle of the day, in a really old nightgown I should cut up for rags, watching TV or on the computer, not even watering the plants, picking the garden, or feeding the birds.  [sigh]

However, I think I did a pretty good job of being good to myself.  I had been considering the purchase of an electronic book for a while; prayed about it.  I seldom spend money on myself. 

I used to be a little more lavish spending, before my diagnosis, but not recently.  Anyway, I had waffled on the purchase, and finally asked God, "Lord, if you want me to get this, I will find an electronic copy of 'The Handbook for Spiritual Warfare' in the store."  See, I had done a search on "spiritual warfare" and didn't find it; so I figured if God wanted me to... He would make it happen. 

Imagine my shock when I found it.  So, I went to the bank to make the deposit, but didn't have the deposit.  I went back home, got Ron, and dragged him out for a date.  I asked him, sincerely, if he would like the money to help with expenses; the homeowner$ in$urance i$ due - and, dude, that's "like", two mortgage payments.  Not a very good coverage, either. 

Anyway, Ron said no, spend it on me.  Said he wished he made lots more money so he could spend it all on me; I told him, I don't want money, I'm a quality time kind of gal.  Ron said, lucky him.  We went off to the bank.  I made my deposit. 

We got a burger, came home.  I bought the thing and did next day shipping.  Saturday, still wearing that horrible rag when the deliveryman knocks on the door. 

Yesterday: figuring the thing out, battling depression, and downloading about 200 free books.  I bought a Bible (shocking, I know), a "wikibook" on bipolar disorder (boy, that rascal is MEATY), and a few books on Christian living.  I was pleasantly suprised that Amazon had so many free public domain books, especially Christian classics. 

Last night, got munched pretty good by depression.  Took my pills, got to a happier place, called Dad.  He would like to come visit in October.   I said that would be great. 

We got to talking, and he said he'd love to do a Bible handout with me.  Oh, boy.  That will be so much fun.  I will keep him out of the street, though.  He turns 70 this year.  I love the idea.  I love doing Bible Handouts with my loved ones. 

We talked for a nice long time, and then hung up.  I went to bed. 

I have been sleeping pretty badly every night.  I have a hard time falling asleep, and I wake up.  On a 1-10, 10 is worst, it is about a 4.  I spend a lot of time lying in bed begging God to give me a good "quality" of sleep, on what I do get, and He is merciful.  I am adjusting my caffeine intake, too. 

Last night wasn't much different.  The people next door (the messy ones who used to have the barkappotamous), bought a new truck with very loud speakers, and were "enjoying" it.  People driving by had loud music.  Something got a neighbor's dog upset.  I was lying in bed, asking God to take care of everyone, give me a good quality of sleep, and I started thanking him for all the good things in my life. 

I went to sleep; Ron had a coughing attack (happens on the Neurontin), and woke me up.  Back to sleep.  Ron had another coughing attack, this one bad enough to get me out of bed.  He could breathe, but sure couldn't talk.  I got him some juice in a cup with a straw, and that did the trick.  1 AM. 

I realized I had a vicious headache, I am cutting sugar out of my life and my body was furious.  I took some excedrin, really wondering if I WOULD sleep after 200 mg of caffeine, but I did.  I woke up at 7, felt great. 

That's a good "quality" of sleep.  We went to Starbucks, came home.  I like to get a steamed  milk thing.  Ron gets an iced latte.  I got out in the garden.  Some naughty bird has been pecking my tomatoes, and apparently loving every delicious beakfull of tomato pulp.  I had to throw a couple, tomato, victims into the compost pile.  I still picked two pocketfulls of tomatoes, and brought them in.  Ate a few snap beans, and also got my first cucumber of the year. 

I cut it up and shared it with Ron, ate all the other veggies (Ron didn't want any tomatoes).  Now a nice relaxing time and work tomorrow.  Boy, I feel like I've been through the wringer with this depression, but like I told my Dad:

I always pay for a Bible handout, with a nasty depression.  I expect it. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

The blog ate my homework

[weeping]  Blogger must have been hacked, or suffered some deep trauma.  When they did the system reset, I lost a couple of day's worth of blog. 

How odd, to try to blog, and I couldn't.  Dude, you guys are a part of my life, and it felt like an amputation. 

Yesterday we went to work, worked, and then went by the wholesale warehouse.  Ron prefers to go to the warehouse after work, take the merchandise home, and then take it to work the next day. 

I prefer to get one of the flatbed carts, seat Ron on the cart, and push him around the store.  They don't have manual wheelchairs, only electric scooters. 

Ron's blind.  Walking is "out" thanks to the neuropathy (we were discussing it today, and both agreed the neuropathy is worse than the accident and resultant stroke), but the cart is "in".  Management understands. 

We've done it a few times and I love it, pushing Ron around, chattering away, stacking merchandise all around him, and teasing the cashier "I couldn't find a tag" and they tell me I can "have" him. 

He said he's been working on directing his anger at God, at God.  He's done a great job.  No verbal abuse, I am happy.  I used to dread him walking in the room. 

Today he gave me the day off (we work tomorrow), and I slept in a little.  My neighbor has placed the trash can directly against the wall of my house, and whenever they throw something out it wakes me up.  Small issue. 

Compared to some of the other dramas, it is minor. 

I decided to buy something, and got the money and account slip so I could make the deposit and buy it online.  I got my knitting bag, and put it by the door. 

I left the house with my handcart (I planned to buy a few groceries) and was halfway down the road before I realized, I left my backpack, and money, at home.  I bought my groceries (had that money) and came home. 

Ron had made a trip to the liquor store.  He was gone.  I'd bought some wrapped cinnamon rolls to hand out, and they were popular.  It's a good "candy" alternative on a hot day. 

I called him, and invited him on an outing when we got home.  We could go to Starbucks, or McDonalds, or the chicken place.  I'd push him in the wheelchair to the bus stop and we'd take the bus. 

He was a little amibalent, but I whined and pouted until he said yes.  A few pointed comments about WANTING to spend time with my husband... and he was happy to come. 

He just wanted me to coax him.  I really think, he has this horrible image, of me struggling and straining to push him in the wheelchair; suffering in agony the whole time. 

It's not hard.  It's really no different from pushing a shopping cart.  Except the contents of my cart, talk. 

We got ready, and left.  I went back to the bank and made the deposit.  Then we went to fast food row.  We had several choices.  Chinese.  Fried Chicken.  Hamburgers.  Tacos. 

We agreed a value meal burger sounded best.  We went, shared a large drink, and had a great little date.  He talked about the book he was reading, and I talked about the garden. 

Then I pushed him home. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

What it is, I'm forgetting.

Yay.  We are finally getting some rain. 

That is wonderful.  However, my neighbor, when clearing the area by the fence, tilled up the ground.  That means I need to over that soil with some weed blocker fabric so it doesn't get overgrown again. 

Bubba seems to be doing better; ate some more canned food, came over for petting, and stole my spot on the couch when I got up.  Maybe he likes Ziva on NCIS.  I had this whole, profound, blog thought out, but it's gone now. 

Oh, and I read something - people with my level of functional intelligence (80), need a little help with daily activities of living, and generally have a very basic type job.  I imagine, on medication, it's a little lower now. 

I'm fine with that; God needs me this way.  I just wish I could remember what it is I'm forgetting - not just the blog, something else I needed to do. 

He rubs against your feet?

"He doesn't want any treats!"  Ron has been getting progressively more alarmed.  Bubba has been pretty lethargic, and hasn't shown much appetite.  When I got up Ron said he was cancelling all our trips, so we could take the cat to the vet. 

He IS "off".  When I offered him some canned food, it took him a couple of minutes to walk over and eat.  Ron called the vet, she wasn't worried.  So we stayed home and Ron had me watch Bubba. 

Bubba seems to be doing better now.  I finished my felted cell phone case.  I did my God Time.  Prayed for YOU and your loved ones (love, joy, peace, etc.). 

If Bubba goes to Ron for treats, we'll cancel the trip, that's Bubby's normal behavior.  If he doesn't then it's the vet for him. 

Tomorrow morning we go to work, and then the vet in the afternoon.  If we need it. 

I was fine staying home.  Killer Cramps.  Agh.  Thank God for Aleve. 

Ron was quietly confiding his fears; "He comes in my room Heather.  He jumps on the bed, and rubs his head against my feet..."

WHAT?  Ron stopped. 

"No wonder he's sick.  He rubs against your FEET?" 

We had a good laugh over that one.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"I can hear it roaring in the basement"

I thought my gait was off, but when someone asked my how I hurt my foot, I realized it was a little more apparent than I thought: Properly medicated.  "Gait Difficulties"  Huh.  It was sure hard to walk.  I had to think about it and I kept thinking "I'm kind of stumbly, I have to put this in my blog".  I explained and they went Oooh. 

So, yesterday, went to work.  Did a pretty good productive time.  Ruminating a lot - I kept thinking about an issue of Ron's I found rather bothersome.  I couldn't stop thinking about it for a while, but finally Big L, as I call my Lithium, came along and whacked it. 

Came home, took a nap.  Woke up, did some computer time.  I could have sworn I did a blog, but apparently not.  Depression back, and eating me. 

I finally got the thought to take a walk.  I was hungry.  Well, I thought, there's a pizza place, with a carryout window, just a few miles from the house. 

I walked to the pizza place.  On the way, I stopped at a gas station and got a soda.  Got the pizza, brought it back. 

I have been wanting to make myself a felted cell phone case.  I'd make an oversized wool one, and wash it in hot water and make it shrink, "On purpose".  I found a nice neutral wool and started that. 

Shared the pizza with Ron, watched the finale for Stargate-Universe.  I definitely got the feel it was a last-minute job.  I got the feeling it had been the season ender, not the show ender; however they left a nice big door if they want to restart the program.  I kind of went, Huh. 

Then I went to bed.  I woke up around 6, slept in until 7.  Got up, did my God Time, talked to Ron.  We had today off.  I took my lithium (I am taking 2 tablets in the morning, and one at night). 

Today was not my best public transportation day.  I spent a lot of time waiting on buses.  Anyway, I headed out with my stuff.  I went to the not-my-favorite grocery store.  I want to like them, really, but I find out of code items, or rude employees, and I don't shop for ages. 

Anyway, I was going to my Favorite Christian bookstore,so I bought them some Honeybuns.  I got myself some Diet Dr Pepper.  I have an ongoing joke with one guy (at the bookstore) about bringing him a Dr Pepper, on my way out, as a joke, I bought him a can of the store brand.  I still had some change, so I bought myself a can of diet. 

OOOPS!  They had a problem; it dispensed two.  I am such a vending geek - and I MISSED MY BUS to do this, I called the company, gave them the asset number, and told them it was running a buy-one-get-one free special (it is pretty common for machines to do this, if it does please do what I did).  They thanked me. 

A manager had rung me up, so I mentioned, in passing, to him.  "I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT" he snarled.  Huh.  Good thing I'm a Christian. 

So, I walked out and saw my bus roar off.  Then I had to wait at the bus stop with the mother of toddler twins who kept acting up.  It was a long wait; made especially memorable when one little girl pulled off her undies and urinated right at the bus stop. 

I was pretty goofy by now; and I kept thinking I was so happy I didn't have to watch a toddler.  No way could I keep up with an active baby.  No surprise my mother lost custody; properly medicated she couldn't have cared for me!  However, at the time she was drinking and unmedicated. 

So, I got off the bus.  I had a hard time moving my feet properly; at the low end of toxic.  However, NOT depressed. 

Like I told Ron "I can hear it roaring in the basement". 

Went to the bookstore; the honeybuns were a huge hit.  Everyone at the store, loves honeybuns.  Good call!  I will have to do more; they won't melt in the summer heat.  They are about the cost of a single bottle of soda.  I can do that.  They had a laugh over the generic brand soda. 

They gave me a couple more Bibles, which I've already given away.  More on that later. 

They kept asking if I was "alright".  I had to explain "properly medicated - side effects are better than the alternative". 

I know I was "impaired".  I looked like it.  That's why, a few days after my diagnosis, I "confided" in the biggest gossip at work, that I had bipolar disorder, was taking medciation, and enduring some intense side effects.  They were very sympathetic, and 2 minutes after they walked off the whole plant knew.  Ha.  I planned it that way.  If I'd asked them to tell, they wouldn't. 

In fact, someone at work was asking questions about bipolar + psychotic features "For a friend with the illness, she is getting really paranoid".  I explained it was perfectly normal, just talk to doc, take the pill, and all better. 

Ron later mentioned the "friend' may have been the lady asking questions.  Oh, well.  I am always happy to educate.  I wanted information and had to fight to get it; now I am happy to give it freely. 

So, I wobbled off, thinking Lord, I can't do much today but that's OK, isn't it?  You just need me to lean on You.  Give me the grace to deal with everything, and I'm good.   I will stop with the expectations, if You're happy with me that's all that matters. 

Somehow I made it across the very busy street, down the road, and to the bus stop.  A little bit of a wait, almost time to meet Ron now. 

I called him, he confirmed he would be meeting me for lunch.  He had a trip to the liquor store, but cancelled because "I don't want to go".  Awesome.  I really feel like my prayers are bearing fruit.  "Deliverance from addictions". 

I had enough time to go to a craft store and the other Christian bookstore.  I checked the vending machine, it needs 5 cases.  I called Ron "Get your digital recorder" Why?  "Because I have my head in a vending machine and we need soda".  I read off the sodas. 

I went to the restaurant (a takeout/fastfood) and waited out front for him.  I always like to tease Ron and the driver a little "Oh, boy!  I'll take this one!" 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ha!  I got too smug about beating the depression.  Hoooo-eeee.  Nasty, vicious thing.  A lot of people view depression as something like this: 

Ew, get it away from me.  Shrieky, but not deadly. 

I view it as more like this:
THAT is a very good representation of my depressions.  I knew I wasn't having a good day, when I didn't want to feed the birds or water the plants.  Both are helpless and dependent.  I love them and enjoy their company. 

I had to compromise.  I fed the birds, and filled up the birdbaths.  I knew I didn't have the juice to water all the plants, so I have special, hose, attention to the potted plants, and put out the sprinkler. 

As a former California resident, I have been indoctrinated in water conservation.  I learned quite a bit about irrigation techniques, water conservation, and managing resources.  A sprinkler is a horrible waste of water; a lot of it never even gets to the ground.  However, I could screw it onto the hose, leave the water running for several minutes, come back and all the plants had nice moist ground. 

I picked a tomato, I didn't pick the beans.  I watered the plants, but not in the "optimal" manner.  Since it's been so dry I think I actually did the plants a favor with the overhead soaking.  However, the flock, and the sprouties, are all happy and content. 

I don't want to watch TV.  I don't want to read.  I don't have any energy for housework.  I didn't even want to download some new music (and I could use a few new tunes).  My energy level is pretty much zero. 

What have I done?  Well, I did the handout, I took care of Ron, I did laundry, took care of my basic needs, and did some of my "things I love to do" even though I didn't feel like it.  All the pills are onboard, and yes this will pass. 

I just need to hang in there.  Later on: God Time, and a bubble bath. 

Turn on the fan!

I had a couple of lousy nights, hearing music that wasn't there, or maybe just very sensitive to outside noise.  AGH.  Part of it, probably, Bad Things not liking the Bible Handout.  One night, I put in earplugs, which, oddly, helped.  Last night I didn't need them. 

Oh, that is so sad.  I am sitting in my chair, moaning to myself about the heat.  Not 2 feet from my elbow; a fan.  [facepalm]  Oh, yeah!  Turn on the fan! 

OK, I'm back.  I had to put on a headband, my hair was blowing into my face.  Amazing how much a little fan can help. 

Ron's been very quiet, and resumed taking the Gapapentin again.  When he's very quiet it generally means he is in a lot of pain.  I finally managed to accept the concept "Ron has a chronic pain issue".  Well, really my (adoptive) Mom kept beating it into me with every phone call.  "Ron is in a lot of pain, Heather, physical pain."  I asked him and he didn't deny it, which means yes. 

He is pretty stotic.  Me?  Battling depression, again.  I am getting more clever, and fiddled a little with the timing on dose #2 of daily lithium.  I may start taking 2 in the morning when I get up.  If I get the second a couple of hours of the first, I have a decent day.  If I wait?   [groan]  Not so good. 

Bible handout. 

Yesterday I wrapped most ot the Bibles - I ran out of paper.  Then I did ribbons on about 1/3 of them.  I got really, really, tired.  I prayed about it, felt they were OK, and went to bed after setting my alarm. 

Ooops.  I woke up at 5:30, instead of 4.  I abbreviated my God Time and caught a later bus. 

So, there I am, walking through the subdivision.  I pass a house with 2 vicious dogs.  I was pretty happy the hurricane did so much damage in our subdivision, because the homeowner got a new fence.  Apparently the guy who lives behind them took the viewpoint "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and got his own vicious monster.  HE has a very brittle and old fence. 

It's not IF that thing gets out, it's WHEN.  *I* am now walking on the other side of the street.  That thing looks like a cross between a chow and a pit bull - two dogs well known for their aggression and "bitey" nature. 

Heidi, I forgot the pepper spray.  However, with those things around I plan to carry it in my hand from now on, until I get to the nice safe bus stop where I got mugged.  [laugh]  I'd rather get mugged, than mauled! 

Anyway, there I am: A large denim tote bag on my shoulder, full of New Testaments.  2 helium balloons "Happy Face" and "Happy Mother's Day", a 22x28 inch "Free Bibles" sign, and a plastic shopping bag with a six pack of bottled Diet Dr Pepper. 

I wish I could get that into people's heads - for whatever reason, I'm a spectacle.  When I'm doing a handout, when I'm out in public with Ron - and I knew this even before his accident.  People were staring at me, because I was with the blind man.  He looks 20 years older than me, too (he is); so they have a hard time figuring out our relationship. 

ONE reason I selected 1 cm wide titanium wedding bands - I thought that might be a HINT.  One people don't get.  If Ron leaves off his wedding band (his hands swell on occasion), people refer to him as my Dad. 

Then, Ron had his accident, and there I am with the blind stroke victim in the wheelchair.  I am sure you noticed the scarring on his head.  Talk about a spectacle.  And, usually, we're having a great time.  That attracts even more attention. 

When I'm by myself, I don't get much attention and that's fine.  I don't want it; I'm not a dramatic type.  I really want a nice boring life.  However, I'm often a spectacle. 

I don't mind it if it's for a cause.  I really worry quite a bit about vanity; I want to be a humble person.  I always think the person talking about their humility isn't humble at all.  I ask God to keep me humble, and the Bible Handouts and all my "problems" certainly factor into my self-image. 

If I have any "sin" - it's probably that I have a hard time seeing myself as a valued, valuable, person.  I am working on that. 

So, I'm at the bus stop, with all my "gear".  Remember, this is not my original bus. 

She pulls up and opens the door.  I get on, flash my pass at the meter, and it beeps.  I move back over the yellow line. 

Buses have a yellow line, because people used to stand right up by the windshield.  A bus had to stop suddenly about 15 years ago, somewhere in America; and the passenger was thrown through the windshield and bled to death, embedded in the windsheild, in front of the horrified driver.  So, I always stand BEHIND the line.  Yike. 

She reads my sign out loud  "Free Bibles?"  Yes, I told her, and I'd LOVE to give her one!  She took 2. 

I got to "my" corner, and it was empty.  I got off and set up.  The balloons (NOT happening again) kept attacking me, so I tied them to the Dr Peppers and left them up near the intersection.  I prefer to "work" about 15 feet back.  They had a good time flapping around. 

The first guy had his window down.  Well, plenty of people drove by and kept going, got all frowny at me, looked exasperated, or were so tied into their own personal dramas I don't think they even SAW me. 

Humility.  It is impossible to be arrogant during a Bible handout, with the rejection! 

Anyway, he had his window down, stopped at the light, AND smiling.  I waved a (nicely wrapped) Bible at him.  "Another present for Mom!" I coaxed, then pointed at the FREE part of the sign.  He took one, then requested another for his wife. 

Things were pretty slow for another 20 minutes or so.  I tend to get some "singles" and some multiples.  Then I get a whole carload and everyone wants a Bible. 

It slowly picked up - and I'm glad some of the handouts go this way; it keeps me humble and reminds me God is the one sending me people and directing my actions. 

I started to get carloads of people, and gave each person in the car a Bible, or one person wanted several because they were going to an event.

I had one car, all the windows were down. Two adult women in the front, and an teenager in the back with a toddler. The women wanted Bibles, I asked permission, and gave another to the teen.
I had the lady, "Oh, I remember you! Give me some more, baby!"   I suspect I am becoming a "fixture".

Then, "Andrea". Remember Andrew in the Bible? He had been following John, but when John said Jesus is the Messiah, he immediately followed Jesus. THEN he went and got Peter, and told him "I found the Messiah!".

A early 20's woman came running up to me on the median. She was covered in gang tattoos, even on her face. She asked "Free Bibles?" I said yes, how many would she like?

She thought about it for a few seconds. "I'd like 5 for work" - she pointed at a fast-food restaurant. "I just got off and I'd love to give them Bibles!" She hesitated.

"If you want more, just come back!"

OK! She ran off, arms full of Bibles.   SO AWESOME to be used like that!  It was great to be reminded, I'm not the only person who wants to share Him. 

God laid it on me to give her the balloons, which kept attacking me anyway. I opened up another Diet Dr Pepper as she came back. Gave her the balloons, and more Bibles to go home.
Every handout, I get at least a couple people who smile at me, or chuckle a little. They won't ask for a Bible but God lets me know to give them one. They ALWAYS accept with gratitude.

Last but not least, I kept "noticing" a young man at the bus stop; a real burden of sorrow everytime I did. I just knew the young man really needed a Bible, so I held one back. I know he had seen me.

I had to catch that bus, so I went over to the bus stop, told him "I saved the last one for you!" and sat down. He said "Thank you!" and meant it.   It's always a little wierd waiting at a bus stop after I've given someone a Bible.  I did the usual "ignoring you" bus stop protocol. 

I had decided to go to Starbucks, and maybe get a pastry, before I went home.  Ron had clearly intended to sleep as late as possible.  He'd be staying in bed. 

So, I went and got my steamer and a pastry, got something for Ron, and got a free pastry for Mother's day.  Unlike the lizard and live bird gifts from the cat, I could eat this present, and did. 

Then I came home on the bus.  Pretty tired; took a nap.  Now I plan to relax a bit.  I have to get up at 3:30 tomorrow for work. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

Music that wasn't there

Boy, it has been a really wierd couple of days. 

I took all the medication in my "days of the week" container, and was too lazy to refill it.  Just as easy, I thought, to take the medication directly out of the prescription bottle. 

Apparently not.  Last night, I couldn't sleep.  I kept hearing the music that wasn't there.  It was a long and trying night.  I must have skipped my risperidone last night.  Whoo.  Can't do that. 

This morning, Ron and I had comitted to going to the wholesale warehouse and getting supplies; I had to do that.  However, I was so sleep deprived I had to skip my God Time and barely had time for my shower.  Completely exhausted. 

A long wait at the warehouse, but finally got home.  I took a long nap.  Had nightmares, not surprising.  Pretty depressed, too. 

So, when I got up I made a trip to the grocery store, one I don't always love.  However, they had a great deal on full fat, large curd, cottage cheese.  I was glad I had gone, and brought my insulated cold storage tote bag. 

I came home, watered a few plants, and watched a little TV.  Eventually I got around to doing my God Time, and I'm currently wrapping up the Bibles for the handout on Sunday.  They look very cute in their wrapping paper, with ribbons.  I'll put up a photo tomorrow. 

I will, of course, be putting my medication in my days of the week thing.  I don't like that kind of drama, in my life. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

My name is Heather.

To date, I haven't said anything here about the man arrested, in public, for reading a Bible to people stuck in line at the DMV.  However, I had been thinking about another issue. 

It is pretty unpopular, these days, to say anything negative about islam.  The media wants us to believe that islam is a religion of peace and harmonious living, with a few random crazies. 

Hey, even Christianity has random crazies, people who claim to be with Jesus but are anything but.  They do horrendous acts; I can think of a few cult members who allowed their children to die because "God will heal them without medical care", allowing physical or sexual abuse, and such.  If I look at any cross-section of humanity, I will find scum. 

However, I suggested people take a longer and objective look at islam; citing the horrendous human rights record in all muslim countries; their shameful and criminal treatment of women.  A case where a Christian man was sentenced to death, for objecting to his son being taught the koran.  Centuries of "Convert or die" - and it's still going on today; Indonesia in particular.  Christian women being raped, because they prayed to a different God and the man "could' do it. 

I believe that view made me unpopular, and that's OK.  I spoke the truth, and I don't apologize for it.   I called a spade a shovel.  It says in the Bible, friendship with the world is emnity with God, and vice versa.  James chapter 4, verse 4.  "Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."

That's pretty clear.  So I'm OK with that.  I got to thinking, thought, that the man arrested for reading the Bible probably felt the same way. 

I have issues with him.  For one, I felt he was doing it to "be controversial" and not to share God.  In my opinion, seeking God and sharing Him in a loving manner should be job #1.   Not making a name for yourself and stirring the pot. 

As an evangelist, no matter where I live, I had better study the law of the land, or consult an expert.  I have been told, by experts, that I am legally entitled to stand on my median strip with the Free Bibles sign.  As long as I do not touch, or impede, the cars, I'm fine, according to the Police.  As long as I do not ask for or accept money, I can keep my sign. 

[shrug]  It seems reasonable to me. 

The big difference?  He inflicted the Bible upon unwilling listeners.  I believe a soul is a lot like a field; God will send me along at proper "planting time".  I sow the Bible, they read it, and eventually they reach salvation and "harvest".  I'm just the sower. 

My Dad calls me that, referring to Matthew Chapter 13.  That's fine if he wants to call me that.  I don't give myself titles.  Ugh.  That's another one.  I really get bugged when I see titles like "Most Holy and Devout Evangelist EVER, Mary Jane" UGH.  Jesus was HUMBLE. 

My name is Heather.  That's all.  No titles. 

Anyway, a field may not yet be ripe for harvest, but if you go in there with your "plow" you can really screw things up.  I just found the whole incident distateful and offensive. 

I think that's why God has called me to do what I do: I stand on a corner, holding a sign, a case of Bibles at my feet.  If you roll down a window I ask you "How many" with a big smile.  I hand over however many requested, smile again, and tell them I'll be praying.  What happens next?  That's between them and God, and really not my business. 

MY business is living a rightous life, being obedient to God's will (the other day He had me hand out JUST ONE New Testament), seeking his will, taking a good hard look at myself every day and working on weeding out the evil, taking my medication, being a good wife and employee, and PRAYING FOR EVERYONE. 

That's my job... not pontificating somewhere to an unwilling, resentful, audience, until they come to arrest me. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I made a playlist on Youtube

"Soft" mouth and a migraine

I forgot to mention, I had horrible nightmares all night.  Bubba woke me up by bringing me a live mockingbird, through the pet door.  The terrified screams got me out of bed quickly, and I mounted a rescue mission. 

Bubba has a very "soft" mouth, and didn't PHYSICALLY injure the bird.  I caught the little guy, and put him outside.  Unlike many of my other rescues, he immediately grasped the concept of "outside", flying off. 

I am probably beginning to run a little depressed again.  Curses. 

A, I wasn't sure if you felt comfortable with me publishing your comment; my default is to wait.  In my case I feel being open about my illness gives me the opportunity to educate.  Someone at work was having delusions and paranoia, and I was able to reassure her that a tiny little pill every day did a great job for me. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

FAS Video

Between this and the text blog, I have different "modalities" of information.  My sister in law, the teacher, would be very proud. 

Some thoughts on FAS

My opinion only:
  • If you are a fertile woman, take birth control or don't drink; if you are sexually active. 
  • FAS is completely preventable. 
  • FAS kids are very difficult to raise, and often NEVER leave home. 
  • FAS victims do not get the sympathy and understanding given to other disablities.  We are condemned to a lifetime of misunderstanding, hypocritical judgements, being told we are "fine", and that we just need to "try harder".  You would not say that to a paralyzed person. 
  • 1/3 of us are bipolar.  Watch for the signs in your loved one, and get them to a psychiatrist if they start having major mood swings. 
  • Beat it into our heads: you cannot drink.  Ever.  You cannot drink.  Ever.  We have horrendous addiction rates, beware anti-anxiety drugs and narcotics as well.  My adoptive mother did this and gets tremendous credit. 
  • People get very upset about the whole term 'Fetal Alcohol Syndrome".  Generally women who have children; perhaps they drank while pregnant.  You might find the general phrase "brain damage" to be better.  I also emphasize my birth mother "Drank a lot" while pregnant. 
  • Binge drinking is very, very, bad for a developing baby.  No alcohol is best, but please don't binge drink. 
  • Damage can and does occur in all 3 trimesters. 
  • Get involved in a good faith community.  Truly godly people will be more tolerant and accepting of "differences", and the faith foundation will sustain your child through very hard times.
  • We have very high rates of depression and attempted suicide. 
  • Please, don't always focus on what we can't do.  Focus on our positive qualities, too.  We are very gregarious, friendly, loving, and creative.  We are often quite bright and talented. 
  • Don't push us into learning to drive.  We may very well spend our entire life riding the bus.  We'll be fine. 
  • We probably will always need some guidance; please understand we would like to take care of ourselves completely, but often cant. 
  • If your FAS child is a daughter, focus on teaching abstinence, how to say no, how to spot predators, and if you believe in sex before marriage, at the VERY LEAST get some foolproof birth control. 
  • You can never teach us enough about social skills, street smarts, boundaries, and how to make people like us.  Drills are great, and don't stop training. 
  • We often have learning disabilities.  If we have trouble in school, get us tested and work with us to learn around our differences. 
  • Don't be afraid to put us in Special Ed.  I got straight A's for the first time ever, when I was.  They are often more willing and able to work with our learning differences and give us the quiet, non-stimulating environment we crave. 
  • We will always be delayed socially.  Gently correct us as we make blunders, and work on teaching us all those unwritten rules of communication. 
  • We don't have common sense.  Teach us.  Even if it seems obvious to you, it has US baffled. 
  • We often have "meltdowns" when we get overly stimulated.  Get us to a quiet place and let us calm down. 

The squares

I woke up in the middle of the night, to the sound of Ron coughing, again and again.  And again.  And again.  I finally got up to offer him ...