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Showing posts from May, 2011

Handout photo, as promised

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I also put it in the slideshow over there --->

I'm just the lady on the corner.

"Not all of us can hand out Bibles like Heather".  I read that tonight and found it rather distressing. 

Why?  Well, I'm no better than anyone else.  I don't care about public opinion, and I care only to please God.  That's why He uses me for the Bible handouts.  I'm already "crazy", so any possible name calling (and that has never happened on a handout) would just make me laugh.  So what?   

Yesterday, covered in hives and battling a vicious headache and the heat index, He used me.  Why?  Because I was willing. 

I think that's the only thing I have, that someone else might lack.  If I had to guess, I would say your average "Normal" is very concerned with day to day living, and what other people might think. 

My life has taught me to focus on what matters; the afterlife.  If I didn't have my hope of eternity I'd have suicided years ago.  [shrug]  That's my reality. 

I was listening to music tonight, thinking, if I died…

Interactions...

Anne made a good point; I'm manic. 

It's funny, a manic can sneak up on me and I'm happy to see it.  I'm happy to see it, these days. 

The Before Manias (before medication) were horrible, paranoid, irritable, nasty things.  I really felt someone had hijacked my brain, even more so than the depressions. 

The medicated ones are more "fun", but exhausting.  I can see why God put the depression in there, gives me a chance to recover.  I have to say I've done quite a bit during this one. 

Anyway, I don't always recognize a mania when it's there; and I forget about drug interactions. 

I took a nap today, and as I lay in bed with the cat pressed against my leg, I wondered why I had been so hyper the last few days.  Then I remembered the headaches; horrible nasty pre-migraines.  I've had them the last few days. 

If I hadn't taken Excedrin, they would have been migraines.  But, taking the medication amplified the mania. 

When I'm up, pre…

Post Handout Video

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Video Blog

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I was feeling really intelligent about managing my hives; ate some Pringles.  Read the label after eating "contains wheat". 

Oh, wonderful. 

I'm pretty tired, but I got the case of Bibles, and 100 copies of "Where to Look in the New Testament".  Plan to do the handout Monday morning. 

I hate to be an irritable whiner; so I won't. 

My firiend confirmed she got the stuff I mailed, and plans to hand it out this weekend.

Don't scare the customers.

I was really glad I ask God to put His thoughts, in my head. 

Today we went to work.  I helped Ron with various things (they aren't buying snacks, but they are buying drinks), and at one point he realized I had put the donuts in the big stockroom. 

He was very upset.  I got pretty annoyed but managed to hold back. 

While I was waiting on the ride, I thought to myself: I got 3 deliveries.  I had a quarterly review.  I helped the repairman.  I stocked.  I took money out of the vending machines, counted it, and bundled it for deposit.  I had 5 hours. I did a good job. 

I didn't jump on Ron with it; I waited.  I could tell he was equally angry at HIMSELF for neglecting the donuts.  As we went home, we started talking about our trips for tomorrow. 

"By the way" I mentioned casually 'The next time I have 3 deliveries, a pull (the money), a repairman, our boss, and stocking, I'm going to need MORE than 5 hours".  He agreed happily. 

Problem solved. 

My h…

I'm in the mood to repost it:

Heather, I need you this way




.When I was a kid I'd fall and I'd cry

I'd look at the others, I'd moan and I'd sigh

.God why am I different? It's not very fair

They can do so much, I just can't compare.



I tried and I tried to learn tying my shoes

I'd fall off my bike, and was plagued by the blues

Depressed as a child! Sure doesn't seem fair!

I hated my glasses, my feet, and my hair.



I tried to make friends, so strange and so wierd

My company? No thanks! I was to be feared!

I sighed and I cried and I leaned upon God

I took him my pain and I made him my Rock.



When others were playing, and on the home phone

I was in my room, with God, never alone.

He told me again and again, oh it seemed

."I'm going to use you, for wonderful things."



As I got older, I realized my brain

Was broken and different, a source of much pain

I cried and I raged and felt bitter inside

When I realized that I never would drive



Stuck on the bus for the rest of my lif…
Some people are acting like what I did (sending off Bibles to a disaster zone) is a really big deal.  Well, hopefully it will be for the recipents.  I'm just being a good Bible donkey, toting them to the Post Office. 

I worry more about K., getting hassled by Bad Things, as she distributes.  I don't think I deserve praise for being obedient and doing God's will.   I want to please God. 

He's looking after me, case in point, 7 pounds of ground beef for $7.  That's an amazing deal.  I got the day off to run my errand, and I even get my beloved cheddarburgers. 

Ron, by the way, woke up when I put a few, on a plate, in his room.  He gave many happy moans as he gobbled them like a hungry animal.  Very cute.  His have onions and red pepper; mine do not.   His are done, mine are smoking. 

So far, for the evening I need to do my God Time (didn't this morning), finish cooking the meat, eat, and take my pills.  I also need a shower after walking around in the heat al…

High pressure, a Bible Donkey, and some whining.

I never expect an "easy" time when I'm doing a handout.  I expect trouble.  I know the thought of a hungry soul reading a Bible makes Bad Things very, very, angry. 

I don't know why I expected today to be different.  Yesterday I contacted someone "on the ground" in Joplin.  She lives nearby.  I offered to send her some stuff (a couple hundred scripture booklets, and a case of New Testaments).  She accepted, and sent me her address. 

Today we got up and went to Foodtown.  I needed some soda for work, and a few groceries.  I found my coveted $1 a pound ground beef special, and bought 7 pounds to cook on the grill.  We came home. 

Ron decided he didn't want to work today [shrug].  He can do that.  He told me I could have today off, and gave me a small advance on my pay (I needed it for postage). 

I got "strapped" - not the gang vernacular for carrying a gun, but strapped that case of Bibles onto my handcart.  I put the priority mail flat rate…

No atheists in foxholes

It will come as no surprise.  I am attempting to re-home a case of New Testaments to Missouri. 

Bear with me, if you've read this before.  January 2003 was a very bad time for me.  Ron had been hit by a pickup truck, while walking to work, and sustained MAJOR damage.  He actually died on the scene and was revived. 

He was airlifted to the trauma center, with a very grim prognosis.  I wonder if they thought he'd be an organ donor. 

When I heard the news, the first thing I grabbed was my Bible.   Even backslidden, I knew I was in for a pain only He could bear.  In fact, as I waited, He gave me the answer I sought, Ron would live.  Psalm 72

I had a Bible, and the comfort of knowing God.  As Ron slowly improved, I started to look around.  I had God.  I had a Bible. 

They didn't.  I watched families on deathwatch, lamenting things they'd said and done.  I watched people get the good news their loved one had survived surgery; and saw them taken off to the quiet room when …

Learn to play

I see myself as a patriotic citizen.  I have the Constitution and Bill of Rights on my electronic book.  I'm not just registered, I walk a couple miles each way, to vote, every election.  Offhand, I can trace some family ancestry back to the 1600's.  My Dad served during Vietnam, I lost one grandfather during WW2, and the other one served 4 years during the conflict, leaving his infant son (my Dad).  I was born a citizen. 

In Texas, "we" - the Anglo culture, have been around for approximately 200 years.  We think we own the the territory. 

We don't. 

Firstly, it belongs to God.  My husband often states that since God owns everything, the whole concept of nations is redundant.  He has a point. 

All of us, the proud, flag-waving "white" American Citizens... we forget.  It really is GOD's country. 

Secondly, "They" were here first.  The Latino culture has been in Southeast Texas for about 400 years, TWICE as long as ANY white man.  If yo…

Doesn't anyone say thank you, and mean it?

It's a triple post day. 

Got up at 3.  Did not do my God Time.  Sorry, Lord. 

Went to work.  It was a nice Pakistani man.  He liked it when I thanked him in Arabic.  [SHOO-kran]

We got to work a little after 4.  Did a lot of prep work, getting the stockroom ready for our soda delivery.  Had a down vending machine, fixed that.  Fixed the other down vending machines. 

One I couldn't fix, the repairman came out.  He said I "Take very good care of the machines".  I took it as a compliment.  He ended up taking off a bill validator for repair (it has a bad belt). 

Deliveryman arrived.  The soda was on one pallet, so I could just "drop" it in the stockroom and run off.  Got all 3 deliveries.  Poor Dave, he is always so happy to see me with a soda.  Doesn't anyone say thank you, and mean it? 

Ron said I was a big help.  He was very worried about Bubba, who ought to be fine.  I was rather hivey from the chicken nuggets I had yesterday. 

I didn't sleep …

Laxatone

Bubba has been rather lethargic, the last week or so.  Ron's been very anxious and decided to take him to the vet. 

I got up at 3 AM, went to work, worked a full day, came home, stuffed Bubby in his carrier, and took him to the vet, in a cab, with Ron.  Boy, what a production. 

He has lost about a pound and a half, he's "Only" 11 pounds.  She did a very detailed exam, and said he is fine, but most likely a hairball.  She dosed him with Laxatone. 

As I told Ron, it's coming out now, one end or the other.  Boy, is it coming.  I've had other hairball cats.  I get the joy of dosing him for the next couple days. 

If he doesn't perk up, she wants to see him in another week or two. 

I found it very encouraging that Bubby was his usual charming self, to the humans, but had plenty of growling for the vet cat that approached him as we waited to be seen. 

If he were really sick, he wouldn't have cared.

How dare I offer a good deal?

I had a real trip to the land of wierdness today.

It was about 5 AM.  I'm servicing the vending machines.  I hear a woman talking angrily, saying the world "Wrong".  I turn and look; she's pointing angrily at the contents of the vending machine. 

I walk over "Is there a problem?"  

Boy, was there.  She was quite upset, that I dared to offer cookies for 40 cents.  Especially since the cookies had Spanish on the labels.  How dare the vendor show such favoritism, by offering cheaper cookies to the Spanish customers!  It was WRONG, THAT'S WHAT! 

I said, "I service the machines.  Let me get this straight, you want me to take these out of the vending machine because they are a good deal, and happen to have Spanish on the label?"  She started backpedaling, said I didn't HAVE to take them out, but the fact that they were cheaper, and had Spanish on the labels, was just "wrong".  I told her, "It sounds rather racist, what you are…

Ebookcase

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If you are craft-minded, you might enjoy this. I documented the creation of my e-book case.

Also lovely bonus shot of Bubba.

Ebook holder

Never take your digestion for granted

Ah, it seems I am FINALLY over my "ailment", whatever it was.  Not fun. 

I have to give my "proper respect" to the beloved jar of hydrogenated, chunky, peanut butter.  It WORKED.  When I was queasy, I could keep it down.  More importantly, I could keep the LITHIUM down, with a nice pre-and-post peanut butter.  Praise God. 

I am AWFUL off my meds.  [shudder]  It's like being possessed.  [another shudder]

I actually had a post traumatic nightmare today.  I thought those were over-and-done, but apparently not.  Bad, bad, days before medication. 

Sorry to wander, got up at 4.  Slept HORRIBLY.  I must have had too much caffeine.  I try to do a lot of praying, not obsess about stupid stuff I can't fix, and just leave myself in His hands.  God doesn't need me to be fiercely independent.  He WANTS me leaning on Him. 

Slept in, for me.  Didn't do the prayer part yet, just the morning Bible study.  I like to start the day with God in my head.  Do I rememb…

False prophet

As an evangelical Christian, I guess I "have" to say something about the current rapture prediction.  All of these quotes are from the NKJV Bible, copyright

Let's see what Jesus said:
"36 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven,[a] but My Father only. 37 But as the days of Noah were, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be."
Matthew 24

"50 the master of that servant will come on a day when he is not looking for him and at an hour that he is not aware of, 51 and will cut him in two and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth"
More Matthew 24

"32 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
Mark 13:32

One of my favorites; Jesus is VERY clear. 
"45 But if that servant says in his heart, ‘My master is delaying his coming,’ and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and be dr…

Take it easy.

I don't do "sick" very well, especially when I am mildly ill.  I turn into a horrendous bitch. 

I have been really cranky today.  Almost had a disaster at Walmart.  I will say NO MORE.  I didn't bite Ron, but I have been taking silent offense to plenty. 

My E-book was acting up; but tech support was great.  I had Craig put me on with his boss, so he could have a compliment.  I learned that one from Ron. 

Agh.  I had a pretty good appetite for lunch, ate that, took both lithium (smart move as it turns out), and went to bed.  Exhausted.  Woke up really nauseous, but able to drink. 

Drinking a lot to flush "whatever" out of my system. 

Ron bought me more canning jars, so I could make "more delicious beans".  He has eaten every jar I canned.  I'm always happy to cook, especially for a fan.  They are processing now.  He helped cut up the sausage. 

He was a little cranky but sweetened up when I gave him a small bowl.  I cook the beans until do…

Purgative

I've had many interests over the years.  One of them, herbalism.  I always knew something was "wrong" (bipolar disorder), yet the professionals all said it was just normal, post-traumatic business.  My teenaged experience with SSRI's, in my teens was very disappointing.  We won't tell my parents, but I was still pretty badly suicidal at times, on the drugs. 

Anyway, I became interested in herbalism.  They have different names for various classses of herbs.  An expectorant helps you cough up junk.  A febrifuge helps you break a fever.  A tonic is an all around boost.  Those are the most sought-out herbs, like ginseng. 

A purgative, is a very strong laxative.  I feel like I had a whole kettle full of the most violent purgative imaginable.  I thought the "dieter's tea" incident was bad - I was passing blood, it was so harsh (taken at one-third "as-directed"). 

I've never understood the whole colon cleansing things.  I have met a lot of…

Mental illness hair

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The rest of the day.

I cover a rather painful aspect of my "limitations"; nothing to do with bipolar disorder.

"Your wife really loves you!"

Under pressure.  Not just the song... Ron woke up in a HORRENDOUS mood. 

It's my Day Off, but I agreed to run to Foodtown this morning.  We need some supplies for work, and I can always use a couple of six-packs of Diet Dr Pepper.  [Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I got sick, and I envision people visiting me with six-packs of Diet Dr Pepper - the perfect gift.]  We made the trip. 

Didn't get that quality of sleep, kept hitting the snooze button.  Pretty soon I barely had time to do my morning Bible study, and forget about prayer time.  [snort]  That's why I hope, to God, I really do not portray myself as some holy saint.  Someone, seriously, called me that recently and I had a mild hysteria.  That goes to Luke 17:10 - "When you have done all these things, say 'I am an unprofitable servant, I have only done my duty.'"  I agree completely, if you think I'm doing a good job, I'm not.  You're just seeing God, in me, doing a good job. 

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I always pay

Thanks for the tip, Harry! 

I had gotten a little cocky about my depression.  Sure, I had it, but I HAD it.. under control.  Ha!  Got munched PRETTY GOOD the last couple days. 

I know it's bad when I'm sitting in the house in the middle of the day, in a really old nightgown I should cut up for rags, watching TV or on the computer, not even watering the plants, picking the garden, or feeding the birds.  [sigh]

However, I think I did a pretty good job of being good to myself.  I had been considering the purchase of an electronic book for a while; prayed about it.  I seldom spend money on myself. 

I used to be a little more lavish spending, before my diagnosis, but not recently.  Anyway, I had waffled on the purchase, and finally asked God, "Lord, if you want me to get this, I will find an electronic copy of 'The Handbook for Spiritual Warfare' in the store."  See, I had done a search on "spiritual warfare" and didn't find it; so I figured if Go…

The blog ate my homework

[weeping]  Blogger must have been hacked, or suffered some deep trauma.  When they did the system reset, I lost a couple of day's worth of blog. 

How odd, to try to blog, and I couldn't.  Dude, you guys are a part of my life, and it felt like an amputation. 

Yesterday we went to work, worked, and then went by the wholesale warehouse.  Ron prefers to go to the warehouse after work, take the merchandise home, and then take it to work the next day. 

I prefer to get one of the flatbed carts, seat Ron on the cart, and push him around the store.  They don't have manual wheelchairs, only electric scooters. 

Ron's blind.  Walking is "out" thanks to the neuropathy (we were discussing it today, and both agreed the neuropathy is worse than the accident and resultant stroke), but the cart is "in".  Management understands. 

We've done it a few times and I love it, pushing Ron around, chattering away, stacking merchandise all around him, and teasing the …

What it is, I'm forgetting.

Yay.  We are finally getting some rain. 

That is wonderful.  However, my neighbor, when clearing the area by the fence, tilled up the ground.  That means I need to over that soil with some weed blocker fabric so it doesn't get overgrown again. 

Bubba seems to be doing better; ate some more canned food, came over for petting, and stole my spot on the couch when I got up.  Maybe he likes Ziva on NCIS.  I had this whole, profound, blog thought out, but it's gone now. 

Oh, and I read something - people with my level of functional intelligence (80), need a little help with daily activities of living, and generally have a very basic type job.  I imagine, on medication, it's a little lower now. 

I'm fine with that; God needs me this way.  I just wish I could remember what it is I'm forgetting - not just the blog, something else I needed to do.

He rubs against your feet?

"He doesn't want any treats!"  Ron has been getting progressively more alarmed.  Bubba has been pretty lethargic, and hasn't shown much appetite.  When I got up Ron said he was cancelling all our trips, so we could take the cat to the vet. 

He IS "off".  When I offered him some canned food, it took him a couple of minutes to walk over and eat.  Ron called the vet, she wasn't worried.  So we stayed home and Ron had me watch Bubba. 

Bubba seems to be doing better now.  I finished my felted cell phone case.  I did my God Time.  Prayed for YOU and your loved ones (love, joy, peace, etc.). 

If Bubba goes to Ron for treats, we'll cancel the trip, that's Bubby's normal behavior.  If he doesn't then it's the vet for him. 

Tomorrow morning we go to work, and then the vet in the afternoon.  If we need it. 

I was fine staying home.  Killer Cramps.  Agh.  Thank God for Aleve. 

Ron was quietly confiding his fears; "He comes in my room …

"I can hear it roaring in the basement"

I thought my gait was off, but when someone asked my how I hurt my foot, I realized it was a little more apparent than I thought: Properly medicated.  "Gait Difficulties"  Huh.  It was sure hard to walk.  I had to think about it and I kept thinking "I'm kind of stumbly, I have to put this in my blog".  I explained and they went Oooh. 

So, yesterday, went to work.  Did a pretty good productive time.  Ruminating a lot - I kept thinking about an issue of Ron's I found rather bothersome.  I couldn't stop thinking about it for a while, but finally Big L, as I call my Lithium, came along and whacked it. 

Came home, took a nap.  Woke up, did some computer time.  I could have sworn I did a blog, but apparently not.  Depression back, and eating me. 

I finally got the thought to take a walk.  I was hungry.  Well, I thought, there's a pizza place, with a carryout window, just a few miles from the house. 

I walked to the pizza place.  On the way, I stopped …
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Ha!  I got too smug about beating the depression.  Hoooo-eeee.  Nasty, vicious thing.  A lot of people view depression as something like this: 

Ew, get it away from me.  Shrieky, but not deadly. 


I view it as more like this:
Source
THAT is a very good representation of my depressions.  I knew I wasn't having a good day, when I didn't want to feed the birds or water the plants.  Both are helpless and dependent.  I love them and enjoy their company. 

I had to compromise.  I fed the birds, and filled up the birdbaths.  I knew I didn't have the juice to water all the plants, so I have special, hose, attention to the potted plants, and put out the sprinkler. 

As a former California resident, I have been indoctrinated in water conservation.  I learned quite a bit about irrigation techniques, water conservation, and managing resources.  A sprinkler is a horrible waste of water; a lot of it never even gets to the ground.  However, I could screw it onto the hose, leave the water …

Turn on the fan!

I had a couple of lousy nights, hearing music that wasn't there, or maybe just very sensitive to outside noise.  AGH.  Part of it, probably, Bad Things not liking the Bible Handout.  One night, I put in earplugs, which, oddly, helped.  Last night I didn't need them. 

Oh, that is so sad.  I am sitting in my chair, moaning to myself about the heat.  Not 2 feet from my elbow; a fan.  [facepalm]  Oh, yeah!  Turn on the fan! 

OK, I'm back.  I had to put on a headband, my hair was blowing into my face.  Amazing how much a little fan can help. 

Ron's been very quiet, and resumed taking the Gapapentin again.  When he's very quiet it generally means he is in a lot of pain.  I finally managed to accept the concept "Ron has a chronic pain issue".  Well, really my (adoptive) Mom kept beating it into me with every phone call.  "Ron is in a lot of pain, Heather, physical pain."  I asked him and he didn't deny it, which means yes. 

He is pretty stotic.…

Music that wasn't there

Boy, it has been a really wierd couple of days. 

I took all the medication in my "days of the week" container, and was too lazy to refill it.  Just as easy, I thought, to take the medication directly out of the prescription bottle. 

Apparently not.  Last night, I couldn't sleep.  I kept hearing the music that wasn't there.  It was a long and trying night.  I must have skipped my risperidone last night.  Whoo.  Can't do that. 

This morning, Ron and I had comitted to going to the wholesale warehouse and getting supplies; I had to do that.  However, I was so sleep deprived I had to skip my God Time and barely had time for my shower.  Completely exhausted. 

A long wait at the warehouse, but finally got home.  I took a long nap.  Had nightmares, not surprising.  Pretty depressed, too. 

So, when I got up I made a trip to the grocery store, one I don't always love.  However, they had a great deal on full fat, large curd, cottage cheese.  I was glad I had gone, …

My name is Heather.

To date, I haven't said anything here about the man arrested, in public, for reading a Bible to people stuck in line at the DMV.  However, I had been thinking about another issue. 

It is pretty unpopular, these days, to say anything negative about islam.  The media wants us to believe that islam is a religion of peace and harmonious living, with a few random crazies. 

Hey, even Christianity has random crazies, people who claim to be with Jesus but are anything but.  They do horrendous acts; I can think of a few cult members who allowed their children to die because "God will heal them without medical care", allowing physical or sexual abuse, and such.  If I look at any cross-section of humanity, I will find scum. 

However, I suggested people take a longer and objective look at islam; citing the horrendous human rights record in all muslim countries; their shameful and criminal treatment of women.  A case where a Christian man was sentenced to death, for objecting to h…
I made a playlist on Youtube

"Soft" mouth and a migraine

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I forgot to mention, I had horrible nightmares all night.  Bubba woke me up by bringing me a live mockingbird, through the pet door.  The terrified screams got me out of bed quickly, and I mounted a rescue mission. 

Bubba has a very "soft" mouth, and didn't PHYSICALLY injure the bird.  I caught the little guy, and put him outside.  Unlike many of my other rescues, he immediately grasped the concept of "outside", flying off. 

I am probably beginning to run a little depressed again.  Curses. 




A, I wasn't sure if you felt comfortable with me publishing your comment; my default is to wait.  In my case I feel being open about my illness gives me the opportunity to educate.  Someone at work was having delusions and paranoia, and I was able to reassure her that a tiny little pill every day did a great job for me.

FAS Video

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Between this and the text blog, I have different "modalities" of information.  My sister in law, the teacher, would be very proud.

Some thoughts on FAS

My opinion only:
If you are a fertile woman, take birth control or don't drink; if you are sexually active.  FAS is completely preventable.  FAS kids are very difficult to raise, and often NEVER leave home.  FAS victims do not get the sympathy and understanding given to other disablities.  We are condemned to a lifetime of misunderstanding, hypocritical judgements, being told we are "fine", and that we just need to "try harder".  You would not say that to a paralyzed person.  1/3 of us are bipolar.  Watch for the signs in your loved one, and get them to a psychiatrist if they start having major mood swings.  Beat it into our heads: you cannot drink.  Ever.  You cannot drink.  Ever.  We have horrendous addiction rates, beware anti-anxiety drugs and narcotics as well.  My adoptive mother did this and gets tremendous credit.  People get very upset about the whole term 'Fetal Alcohol Syndrome".  Generally women who have children; perhaps they drank while p…