Thursday, March 31, 2016

Not manic

Well, I'm definitely not manic.  Pretty depressed the last couple days. 

I have been eating the vegetables I bought, though.  A lot of times I buy vegetables when manic, even slightly so 'I'm going to eat better!" and let the poor things languish to death in the fridge.  I have seen vegetables in nearly all stages of decomposition, which hasn't done much for furthering my veggie consumption. 

However, I bought things I like so I have been eating them.  Kale?  Not so much. 

Yesterday we did something a little different - Ron, unfortunately, has been relying on increasingly inaccurate weather forecasts.  We went to the Waffle House around 10 AM and it was packed.  We barely got a table. 

We had a good meal.  The grilled cheese was OK, the eggs spectacular.  I always get 4 scrambled eggs when I go.  I'd rather have a nice, moist, fluffy egg. 

I can never make a good scrambled egg myself. 

We went home after and I had a nap, then Ron and I went to work.  We were riding with someone who lived with her mother, at the age of mid 20's at least, referred to "my kids" and talked about how well she knew everyone at the notorious section 8 apartment complex nearby.  I couldn't help but have some thoughts about that. 

None of it was nice, so I won't repeat it.  But there is a reason they aren't putting her out there as "The face of poverty".  They prefer to use tragic little kids with an empty bottle, instead. 

I have nothing but empathy for someone who has fallen into poverty and battling to escape; I don't respect people who use the system, as a lifestyle, and never seek to provide for themselves.   If Ron can work...

I went to work and busted my tail helping Ron and getting everything stocked.  We did a good job. 

We had a bit of a wait to go home but they at least put out the bench for us now. 

A cover would be nice, but I'll take the bench. 

We went home.  I ate some fake crab, about 2 cups of vegetables, and some dressing, then I went to bed. 

Today (I'm off), I got up hugely depressed. 

I was even more discouraged when I saw I had empty pill organizers.  I had to sit there and do my pills of the week for about 20 minutes, sorting everything out by dose and type, adding my supplements, etc. 

I also portioned out a morning dose for myself and took that. 

I did my God Time, took a shower, watched a little Supernatural.  Now, the show has some mature themes, i.e. selling your soul to a demon, premarital sex, etc.  I'm not saying it's innocent. 

However, I was pretty horrified when I saw an ad for a "new comedy".  In the ad, two parents are talking to their kids about how babies are made, using graphic terms, and bickering about what movements were "needed" during the sex act. 



I was shocked, and it takes a lot to shock me.  I read a book once where a woman had sex with a warewolf, and I actually finished reading the book.  I threw out all the books in the series after that, though, and never bought any new ones.  The series has quite the cult following and I even joined the fan club. 

It's the middle of the day, kids could be watching!  Yes, it was school hours but kids stay home sick.  I remember after I had some teeth pulled, I watched an old, "scandalous" movie, in the movie the guy marries the "wrong" sister and she joyfully writes a letter to the "right" one about how she is expecting a baby.  They never showed the act, just the sister reading the letter and crying. 

Like I said, it was an old movie. 

Of course, that was just about 30 years ago. 

I really think the rapture can't be far away. 

After that, I went to bed.  I took a nap for a couple of hours, I had a nice dream about being in a beautiful room with a little stream going by. 

Ron woke me up.  I watched a little TV and ate more vegetables. 

In a little while, I'll order a pizza. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

"I know that wasn't pretty"

Tough day today. 

How tough, you might ask, could it be?  You had the day off.  You didn't have a headache (praise God!). 

Depression.  I had a hell of a time just dragging myself into the shower when I did.  First I did my God Time, ate a snack, and took my medication. 

I thought of going to a grocery store a while back, it's right on the bus line.  A grocery store on a single bus line (no transfers) is the holy grail of public transit.  I thought it might bear investigating. 

I've been hearing of a lot of people dying in their 60's, and that scares me.  Ron is in his 60's and "doesn't take care of himself".  His parents and grandparents were very long lived, his one grandfather didn't live an easy life but still died in his 90's. 

I worry about that a lot.  If Ron dies, so does my transportation.  Have you ever been nearly entirely dependent on another person for your transportation?  I am. 

I decided to go check out the store, there is one in the other direction but it's Asian and has a lot of not-on-plan items and strange vegetables. 

However, if I'm in the mood for weird little green eggplant, I know where to go. 

We'll call that the manic grocery store. 

Anyway, I went to the traditional one.  It's in a "bad" area but it's right on the bus line and that kind of trumps all. 

On my way to the bus stop, I saw a young man passed out on the side of the road.  Lying on the ground. 

No, I did not think of "The Good Samaritan".  I thought how often young men his age have tried to rob me or hustle me for money.  I thought he might be faking to get people close, then rob them.  I thought, most strongly, he was probably an addict. 

I am not a fan of addicts.  God is working on me with this but safe to say they have done me a tremendous amount of harm.  About the only nice thing I can say: the guy who ran over Ron was sober. 

I figured (accurately, as it turns out) he was an addict and passed out from his drugs.  I crossed to the other side of the street and went to the bus stop, ignoring him. 

If I'd been with an able bodied man I would have most likely stopped, but it has been my experience to let sleeping addicts lie, they can get violent if disturbed.  I had no desire to disturb someone with slack body posture and purposeful movements. 

He wasn't yelling or asking for help, either. 

Eventually someone pulled over, after I had Ron call him an ambulance.  The paramedics had a relaxed and casual body posture as they got him on the gurney and into the van.  Eventually they left, no lights, no siren, which means no urgency. 

I think it is safe to conclude he was just intoxicated.  Yes, it could have been his blood sugar, which is why I had Ron call an ambulance, but I cannot emphasize how strongly I have learned the lesson: Don't disturb a passed-out addict. 

I stand by what I did, even though I'm sure it makes me look like a bitch.  I WAS worried about my personal safety.  That's why I stayed on the phone with Ron until the bus arrived. 

About 20 minutes later, I got to the intersection.  A young man, having some drama on his phone, passed me as I left the bus.  Later on I saw him sprinting across the road and running down the street.   Why, I'm not sure.  He was sure running like he stole something. 

I went to the donut shop (OK low carbers you probably want to skip this next bit).  I got an apple fritter and ate that with some chocolate milk, taking my medication. 

I was still horribly depressed and decided to "reward" myself for making it this far. 

Then I went to the grocery store.  Ron wanted Teriyaki sauce and a bag of chips.  I got some tuna, spices, etc.  I also had a look at the meat prices.  They had my very favorite meat cut ever: boneless chicken thighs.  So good!  I didn't buy any because I didn't have my insulated bag. 

I also doubted my "spark" to prepare them, do all the dishes, and freeze the leftovers. 

A hairdresser tried to give me his card and begged me to come to his salon.  I told him no, but thank you.  I knew my hair looked bad, standing in the wind for 30 minutes.  I told him to keep the card because I knew they were expensive. 

I came home.  I only had to wait 5 minutes.  The bus went all the way to my subdivision (some of them don't).  I got off the bus with my "bus buddy".  We ride the bus together sometimes and always get off at the same stop.  We small talk now and then. 

He pretended to applaud me after I ran across the street "I know that wasn't pretty" I told him. 

I went home.  I gave Ron his stuff and took a nap.  My cycle is full blown today (I tend to have spotting before and after now) so I took some aleve and took a nap. 

I had a pretty good nap but I'm still tired. 

Oh, I hate depression.  I hate anxiety. 

I will be glad when Jesus comes to fix this. 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Laughing His holy butt off...

Day 3 of the headache. 

Now, before someone has hysterics, I used to go to the hospital EVERY TIME I had one of these things (when I had better insurance).  I have seen and experienced a million "neuro checks" and I am fine.  No sudden paralysis, tingling, weakness, etc.  I know my name, date, and current events.  I can "squeeze your hand" and wiggle my toes, but I still don't know which foot is the gas pedal. 

That one freaked out a few doctors, until I explained I don't drive. 

My headaches are due, in part to genetics, in part to hormones (these days), and in part to medication.  That's just my package. 

Anyway, I dragged my butt out of bed, had my diet soda, and got in the shower.  I did my God Time later. 

I got dressed and we went to work.  I felt pretty lousy but we didn't need to do too much, happily. 

The headache crawled off about the time we left. 

We went to the bank.  We deposited some change I'd been saving for a while, and I got paid.  Yay! 

We left and came home.  I went to bed.  I was exhausted. 

I slept for a couple hours, having odd dreams but nothing awful, and woke up before my alarm went off.  We went to Walmart. 

Well, we did eventually, our ride was very late.  Ron had to call and fix the pickup. 

If we get there late, and our pickup is on time, then we have no time to shop, eh?  So they have to extend the shopping time. 

They did that. 

I looked for a massager for Ron.  Ron has these concepts in his head: I am a bother.  It is hard for Heather to shop with me.  It is easier if she leaves me up front.  He kept saying all this and I finally told him to shut up.  We never found the massager. 

Then I went and tried on a pair of knit shorts that didn't even have pockets!  What?  I had good money in my pocket for a couple pair of knit shorts with pockets and a drawstring.  Nothing.  Nothing. 

I went and got Gravy Lovers brand cat food.  Biscuit just had a good time with the Chicken Hearts.   Well, you might as well use the whole animal. 

Then I went and got some fruit.  I still have a ton of processed food in the freezer (I refer to the freezer attached to my fridge, I don't have a separate freezer).  However, I can start adding better things. 

I ate a couple of celery sticks with my dinner.  It sure didn't kill me.  The last 2 times I went to the doctor my blood pressure was in the low 150's.  That's too high.  Admittedly, I was under a tremendous amount of stress at the time, but still... 

Celery is rumored to help lower blood pressure, and it'll either work or it won't.  It won't hurt me. 

I like celery.  It's green.  It's a vegetable, and God knows I don't eat enough veggies.  It is also a lot cheaper than a box of energy bars. 

I also got a bag of easy-peel tangerines, I love those and sometimes Ron will romantically peel one for me.  Organic lemons, check.  I plan to cut them up and put them in water.  I didn't get the organic limes but I will next time.  What kind of shellac?  Wha?  On food?  Saw that after I got home.  I'll scrub them down before I use them.  I will also cut them up and put them in water. 

Although, when I was a kid, I enjoyed eating lemons off the tree behind our house.  It hung over the fence and we were allowed to eat "our" lemons.  I adore sugar snap peas, I got the "family" size bag.  I like to eat them fresh out of the bag. 

I would have gotten some baby carrots too, but I forgot.  Oh, well, next time, or I can go to one of the many grocery stores around here tomorrow on my day off. 

Am I manic for produce?  No.  I'm just trying to fill a gap in my nutrition.  I want to be eating real food and not things out of packages, at least as much as possible with my problems. 

The water with lime is good, and doesn't have the scary list of ingredients like my sugar free drink mix.  Well, except for the possible shellac (?!?) coating which I hopefully scrubbed off.   I'm going to use those up first. 

Anyway, everything's all put up and looking good. 

I can eat the stuff I got last time and free up my freezer space. 

Once that's gone, I can transition to easy to prepare meats and such. 

Speaking of food, I wanted to share a funny Easter story.  Years ago, at church, I was enlisted to play Jesus in a recounting of the last supper.  An adult stood off to the side reading Bible verses while we kids acted it out. 

I was about 12.  I said, I'm a girl, how can I be Jesus?  They said don't worry, you have short hair.  They made a toga out of a bedsheet and put it over my church clothes. 

All went well until "He blessed (the bread) and broke it". They had given me a loaf of what I now know to be Irish Soda Bread, as hard as a hockey puck.  I wrestled with it for a few minutes as the adults laughed awkwardly, until someone said "Maybe we should get a knife..." about that time I broke the crust and ripped off a chunk of bread, and the play proceeded. 

I'm sure Jesus was up in Heaven, on His holy throne, laughing His holy butt off watching my fight with that bread! 

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Paleo migraine

Well, I have to say, #6 came through for me today.  Really. 

I woke up with the headache, ongoing, today.  I slept until 9 AM because I took a Phenergan last night.  That is very uncommon for me. 

Phenergan is an antinausea pill that helps me sleep.  It is not, however, a sleeping pill.  It just helps me, at least, to rest. 

I will most likely be taking another one tonight. 

At least it doesn't hurt to look through my bifocals.  And I'm not vomiting. 

Anyway, I got up and could do very little but I did manage to watch the sermon on my computer and do my God Time. 

Ron wanted me to watch a psychological thriller, one of those "Is she insane or are they really out to get her".  I told Ron I had had far too much Gaslighting in my life already, and my head was killing me. 

I went to bed around 11 and woke up around 5 just now. 

I do have to commend #6.  They were super quiet, when I needed it.  When I really, really, needed it, they were very quiet. 

Thank you for that. 

Now I am drinking very cold drinks and will seek out some sugar.  That seems to help.  Then I will work on some laundry. 

Biscuit was also awesome, sleeping on my legs during the worst of it. 

I am thinking about trying a paleo diet.  Basically, I would just eat simply cooked meats, eggs, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.  No dairy, no grains.  I think, to start at least, no "nightshades" which equal tomatoes and potatoes. 

I think I would get some tuna pouches to eat at work when I get hungry.  Those work pretty well for me. 

This diet started because a mensa member noted that arthritic and diabetic changes were not present in paleolithic skeletons - they only came along with the advent of farming.  Eat like the old ones did, he felt, and maybe we can avoid all that trouble.  It worked for him, so he wrote a book and started the movement (Neanderthin).  However, the name evolved to "Paleo" diet and it's the common slang term used these days. 

If it could help my headaches, and my few aches and pains, I'm willing to try it.  I do have a tiny freezer full of TV dinners so I will be eating them up first but I am definitely going to try it.  I think the fruit would definitely fill the "craving" area when I am craving carbs. 

I still plan to keep it around 2000 calories, about 800 less than I burn on an average day (approximately), and less than 100 carbs, but a tangerine is about 10 carbs, and a grape is about a carb each.  That's a whole lot of fruit, if I want! 

I like salads well enough so I'm not worried about that.  If I eat a fatty cut of meat with the salad I should be fine. 

We'll see. 

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Tiny house marathon

I am frequently baffled by #6.  When we got home last night, it was quiet.  It was quiet for over 2 hours after we got home.  I went to bed and turned out all the lights. 

Suddenly, he goes out in the yard, banging around, brings the children out, talking to the kids, who are talking loudly, one of them fell down, crying loudly, etc.  All this happened after I turned off my lights to go to bed.  Lots of banging and scraping, too. 

I had to wonder if he did it on purpose "They want to sleep, so I'll make MORE noise!".  After all, it had been dead silent for over 2 hours, and in the past he has always picked up directly after a party.  Why go out and clean in the dark, anyway? 

I forgot to mention he put on his lights, which shine into my bedroom.  I wasn't very happy.

I went in the computer room and laid down on the pull out.  I stayed there for what I considered a long time, then went back.  The lights were still on but it appeared to be quiet. 

At some point, he turned them off. 

I finally fell asleep, but I didn't sleep well.  Ron kept waking me up! 

Then I woke up at 7 AM and my brain said TIME TO GET UP!  I tried to take a nap later with poor results. 

I've mainly been watching tiny house TV shows and taking it easy. 

I just saw a soccer ball in my yard so I need to go return it.  I just throw it back over the fence. 

Friday, March 25, 2016

Sleep Deprivation

Today was - challenging. 

I didn't fall asleep until after 8 PM, and I had to get up at 3. 

About 9 PM, someone had a toilet accident outside the litterbox and was frantically trying to rip up the carpet to cover it.  I put the cat out the cat door (I don't know who it was, it was late), and they came back right as I was sleeping again. 

So, I had to get up, clean up the mess, and sprinkle pet accident odor eliminator carpet powder on the spot (not that the carpet was stained).  I was "allowed" to sleep after that. 

I got up at 3 and went to work.  Taking my shower at night seems to work really well.  I think I will continue that. 

We stocked and our delivery came in a timely manner, the guy even put it away for me.  That was awesome.  We did our inventory (we need to make a supply run tomorrow) and left. 

We got home around 10.  I heard weird noises coming from next door on one side.  On the other side, #2 was testing every yard tool he had - firing up leaf blowers, weed-whackers, etc. 

I was so desperately tired I slept anyway.  When I woke up I realized #6 was having their party today.  They just throw the kids out in the yard with a soccer ball and talk amongst themselves. 

The kids, at one point, were so bored they were throwing the ball on the roof (of #6, not my house that I know of).  They were so, so, loud.  You had the 6 existing kids, and let me tell you, that baby can scream.  She has a set of lungs on her. 

Then you had the visiting kids, probably another 6-10.  It was chaos. 

At one point, around 3, they came banging on the door asking for their ball.  I gave it back to them, because, as I told them "It's not the middle of the night". 

I will not reward kids for banging on my door in the middle of the night.  Ever.  That's why I disabled the door bell. 

Anyway,  Ron and I left around 3:30 and went out to dinner, thank God.  We got there a little after 4, when the restaurant opened.  We took our time eating and explained we would be there a while.  The waitress was very nice about it and got a nice tip. 

When we got home, and let me tell you I was begging God the whole way home: "Please let them be done".  They were done, and all the other cars were gone. 

So, they are having daytime parties instead of at night.  Maybe they are tired of the noise complaints, or he is tired of having a late night party and then having to work early the next day (he does something with construction). 

I hope it continues but oh I am tired.  I did not get a good nap with all the noise today, and I only got 6 hours of sleep last night. 

Doc and I were talking the other day about sleep deprivation.  He agreed it is Very Bad.  He has had to put people in the hospital because they got unraveled after sleep deprivation, especially if they were not taking their meds at the time. 

Well, I always take my meds but whoo I am tired. 

We will work tomorrow night in case they have two parties in a row, like they did around Christmas.

No one ever tells you how important the neighbors will be when you are thinking to buy a home.  You just buy it and assume they have the same values you do.  Sometimes they do. 

Sometimes they don't. 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Where vegetables go to die...

It actually rained this morning, per the forecast. 

I slept in until 7:30 or so, got up, and did my God time.  I fed Biscuit his nums and tried to figure out what I was going to do about the bathroom. 

I could get a rug at the store, and someone would throw up on it, or deposit some grisly "treat", and I would be faced with a gruesome cleanup or a simple disposal.  I'm sorry, I'm not that cheap.  I'm not saving something with rodent blood on it, washing it with good clothes, and then possibly using it to dry myself, or Ron.  Ever.  Or even touching it with my bare, clean, feet. 

I decided to go to the nearest thrift store.  Well, not the nearest but the one I like the best. 

I never liked their police-style bag grab, forcing me to leave all my stuff behind the counter.  But I understood, although anyone who would rob a thrift store....

When the weather cleared up, I went to the bus stop.  A guy walked up the street and asked me for money.  I told him I didn't have any.  He knew I was lying.  He asked me again.  I told him I was sorry. 

I wanted to ask him why he wasn't working or looking for work.  His appearance was not that of one employed or seeking a job, and he carried a ratty messenger bag. 

He eventually left.  It's funny, because I live in a "better" neighborhood I am bothered more.  When I lived in the poor neighborhoods no one really bothered me at all.  Even though, at one point, I made more money. 

I mentioned it, in passing, to Ron, when he called.  He totally freaked out.  He said he would send a cab to pick me up and take me where I wanted.  I told him I was fine riding the bus, the man was gone, and I was watching to see if he came back. 

They can only sneak up if my back is turned. 

I rode the bus to the thrift store, and I was fine.  They didn't "police" my bag.  The aisles were very narrow and people had to keep squeezing past my shopping cart. 

Someone with OCD had lined up all the towels in color order.  I went through, complaining to Ron on the phone that some of them were $4-5.  "For that price, I could buy a new one!"  Not a very good new one. 

I found some I liked.  In particular, I liked the rose floral patterned towels.  Yes, it's for cat puke and eviscerated mice, but it's nice to have something pretty to look at.  I couldn't find any plus sizes but I didn't really look.  I went over to the book section, usually it has a terrible selection, but I found some inspirational romance novels for sixty cents each.  I looked around some more, and decided I was done. 

I paid for everything, about $20, and headed to a nearby McDonald's.  I always get the same thing, 10 piece chicken nuggets.  I had my own caffeine free diet soda so I didn't partake of the beverage bar.  I am always scared I will be up all night when I gave to get up at 2-3 in the morning. 

Normally I'm wired to go to bed around 8.  I have a hard time dropping off before then. 

Ron had arranged to have someone pick him up, drive him to the liquor store, help him buy liquor, come get me, go to the mall and buy him some food, and then go to the store and get my medication. 

I don't help Ron with alcohol.  Unless it is the "rubbing" kind.  I'm happy to buy that.  I got Ron his mall food (he hadn't had it in a while), and got my medication.  I did pick up a couple bottles of shampoo while I was walking down the aisle.  I need to get rid of some shampoo that doesn't work/don't like/odd texture. 

It's funny, though, probably a month after cutting my hair, I still put too much shampoo in my hand when I'm washing my hair.  I guess I'll grow out of that. 

I use inexpensive shampoo, I have good hair that doesn't need much besides a good cleanser (oily hair).  But still, I hate to waste anything. 

Wasting things leads me to thoughts of my vegetable "crisper", where vegetables go to die.  It's very sad.  Probably the most waste in my life, not that I buy vegetables very often. 

I was so good about eating vegetables when I actually grew them. 

My medication cost about $50 for a month.  I need to go back to 3 month refills, those are a little cheaper in the long run. 

It's the Wellbutrin that kills me.  It's my most expensive - a three month is $100, but the one drug I am not likely to skip.  I think most people are probably most vigilant about taking their antidepressant, and least vigilant with the antipsychotics (if they had my experiences they'd be diligent!), and mood stabilizers ("Oh, I feel fine").  Doc and I talk a little about this now and then. 

Anyway, I got the rascals and will of course be taking them.  I do up two, "pills of the week, AM and PM" organizers and take them until they're gone, then do up 2 more weeks.  I find that easier because 8 prescriptions a day, not to mention the supplements, can get a little crazy at times! 

I'm still using up some 1 mg Haldols, so that's actually 9 pills. 

Anyway, we came home and I took my medication with some milk.  That seemed to work just fine and then I took my nap. 

I had strange nightmares and was actually happy to get up. 

I took my shower - see, that way I don't have to do it at oh-dark-thirty tomorrow morning, already did my God time, got online for a bit, and now I'm just waiting to go to bed. 

I have some clothes in the washer and the towels in the dryer.  I was worried about bedbugs so the thrift store towels went into a HOT wash the minute I got home. 

That's a problem I don't need. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Trash Day

When I got up, I found a partly decapitated mouse on the bathroom rug.  UGH.  It was a mess.  I don't plan to give details. 

I rolled it up and bundled it with some other trash, then took it out (it's trash day).  As I went out, I saw Baby Girl.  Once I got rid of my trash she rolled over, showing her belly. 

That's her love language for me, letting me rub her tummy, something cats don't usually allow.  My other cats will get in my lap or let me play with their feet. 

Anyway, I got to work, baby talking her and rubbing her cute spotted tummy.  I looked up and found someone's beagle watching me, with big sad brown eyes. 

"I'm sorry" I told him.  "I'm not a dog person".  The dog seemed to be telling me I could be, if I'd just give it a try.  However, beagles make a lot of noise, assuming it didn't have an owner, and it does. 

This is why you neuter your males, so they don't go wandering after sex.  

I told the dog no, I was sorry, I was full up, but I hoped it had a nice life.  "Go home" I told it.  It wandered off. 

I went back in the house and considered the noise I had heard last night, the cats were rummaging around in my bedroom, after something, I had assumed it was a lizard.  Now I realize it was probably the mouse but it didn't scream like they did with Bubba. 

"They just play with the mouse and don't kill it" I have heard so many times.  I was worried my guys were "useless".  Someone knew exactly what to do. 

Bubba's legacy lives on.  I don't know who did it, and I won't unless I catch a cat with a dead mouse in it's mouth.  No one got kissed on the mouth, and won't for a while. 

I have very accommodating cats. 

I used an old t-shirt as my bath mat during my shower.  I had overslept so I didn't have time for my God Time, but I did it before I got online. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should just make it my policy, and then I think no, it's probably better first thing, because I don't know what might come up. 

I got dressed in a purple t-shirt and capris, and wore my sandals.  I was going to see Doc today. 

We had a pretty good ride and he saw me early.  I always bring candy for the office, which they enjoy.  It's got to be hard working with crazy people, although everyone I've seen in the waiting room seems very nice. 

I would have coffee with pretty much any of them. 

I paid and waited, then went back with Ron.  I told Doc I am falling over things, ringing in my ears, and a nasty hand tremor, all of which are in the parameters of the medication. 

We went over my blood test results and he said the kidneys are really the only thing you have to watch out for, and mine are fine. 

He also liked that I knew what blood tests to order. 

Ron asked if we could do phone appointments, and Doc said he could see me less often, since I am very stable and have been a long term patient (10 years).  Ron was really happy to hear that. 

We finished it up and went to lunch with my aunt.  We had fun talking about my Dad, who will be moving pretty soon.  Ron and I got a 2 for $20 lunch, which was very good and I got a dessert since I'd saved him so much money.  The whole bill for all of us was less than $40, with the dessert and 3 drinks.  Not bad. 

I would be happy to take my aunt to a nicer place, but she is happy with simple things too. 

I did drip some sauce on my shirt so it looked like I had 2 extra nipples on my collarbone.  I was a little embarrassed about that but figured I couldn't change it. 

Ron complained our ride was coming late, and then mentioned he needed some gloves for work, he had lost the one I "made" him by cutting off the fingers. 

He has a bad habit of injuring the back of his hand so we need to protect it.  It's going to rain tomorrow (so they say, but they were wrong all last week!), so it would be great if we could get it done today. 

My aunt ran us by a Walmart and I darted in.  It has the same layout as my store.  I went to the hardware section and found a bunch of people doing inventory.  I managed to find the gloves and grabbed a couple other types.  Halfway to the register, I realized the "important" leather ones did not have a tag!  I had to run back and get a different pair. 

I finally got to a register, waited a few minutes, and checked out.  I ran out to the waiting car and we went back to the doctor's office. 

We decided next time we could make the pickup from the restaurant and save the trip back to the doctor. 

We only waited a few minutes for our ride and then we went home.  We had some really skilled drivers today.  These guys were great. 

I had enough time to take my medication, pretreat my stains,  and get a nap.  I slept about 2 hours (my meds really knock me flat), got up, did my God Time, and turned on my computer. 

I also put away the garbage can. 

#6 is still trying to install his A/C unit.  Today they were assembling ductwork, some guy in a little white car.  Pinch the penny, lose the dollar, and probably invalidate the warranty. 

I guess "unofficial" A/C guys drive white vehicles. 

Oddly enough, when we have been in an accident, or almost so, it's always been a white vehicle. 

[makes scary noises]  Be afraid of the white vehicles! 

[blows raspberry]  PBBBBT. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

I almost kissed an Altima

What do I say as my driver drives into the path of an Atima, hears the blaring car horn (thank you Altima for being alert) and then weaves back into his lane?  Not much. 

"You know" I told Ron "That's how we're going to die one day".  Ron reminded me that I did want to get to heaven and I had to go somehow. 

We got up early and I took my shower.  It was cold so I wore my long jeans and didn't shave my legs.  I'm just a rebel, but had I ended up in the hospital, I would have been embarrassed. 

We got to the new warehouse and I got my flatbed.  The cart attendant isn't super jolly but he does a very good job. 

I couldn't find the water, but they had the other product.  I did buy Ron a case of Cheez-its (he loves them), 1 ounce individual portions, with my money.  I bought myself a case of Diet Dr Pepper. 

I had the same cashier I had last time, she is sweet and efficient.  Some of them stack it in such a way I worry about an avalanche, and I've had them, on my way out of the store.  But not with her. 

Customer service helped me with the water issue but no joy.  They should have it this weekend. 

The cart attendant helped me load the truck.  Actually, he loaded the truck while I stood there feeling useless. 

On the way to work, we almost had the accident.  I believe he was pretty shook up because he took a different route to work.  I got my carts and unloaded. 

I got to work on snacks while Ron did the sodas.  We were pretty busy but it wasn't insane.  Ron mentioned, in particular, bottled water sales were down.  Good.  I hope so. 

I just had a horrible thought, I hope Ron called in the soda order.  We will find out when he wakes up.  It's too late, now. 

Soda = getting up at 2 AM that day.  Not so much fun but you gotta do what you gotta do, for work.

I just had a thought.  In "my" last accident, we ran into a white car.  Today we almost ran into a white car.  So, a white car is going to kill me.  :p  Or I'll get raptured, which I'd rather. 

Some people say you have to die in the rapture.  No, God transforms your body

Ron swears it didn't hurt when he died "It was like flipping a circuit breaker" he says.  So I don't care what God does to this body as long as it doesn't hurt, in the Rapture.  I think most people feel the same way. 

I get really tired of eating big handfuls of pills every day.  I get tired of side effects.  If God wants to remove all that I am on board! 

Tomorrow I see Doc.  I will tell him about the hand tremor (pretty bad), and falling over things.  Those just indicate a proper lithium level. 

The price of sanity, as it were. 

Welcome to America

It's not "Because they're taking all my welfare".  It's not "Because I have to be bilingual to get an office job these days".  It's not any of the other, more hostile, arguments against immigration, legal or not. 

It's because some of them want to kill us.  Your average family from Guatemala is not interested in killing the golden goose.  They want a good life in America, a safe life, with the basics provided for and a fallback social net should they have Hard Times.  They want free vaccines for their kids, free schooling, free milk for the baby, etc.  I can't really argue with that. 

You see, I went on mission trips to Mexican slums.  I totally understand why they want to leave that and come here.  It is hellish.  It reeks of raw sewage.  They don't have running water, they have to buy it off a truck every day and put it in a tank.  Everyone is very thin, with desperate eyes. 

I get that.  I can't really work up a good "hate" as a result, even when I see Spanish-speaking families exiting a plush SUV at the welfare office, chattering as they go inside (we do pickups on paratransit, Ron and I have never needed welfare).  I was annoyed at one guy I knew, he fathered 5 kids with his "wife", called her his "wife" but wouldn't marry her because she got more benefits (food stamps and all) as a "single mother".  He ended up crippling himself in a totally avoidable accident and put himself out of work.  Now he is dependent on his "wife" and 5 kids to take care of him. 

Or maybe he went on unemployment.  I don't know. 

I did go on unemployment after I got fired.  I got $96 a week, and I had to submit a page of job leads I had pursued, every week.  I sent 2 and 3 pages.  After 2 and a half weeks, I got a good job on my own and told them.  I was very happy to say "I won't need you anymore". 

I felt entitled to that; they fired me because I had a Christmas tree (on my desk), and they were haters.   It wasn't a good fit, they were all very ambitious and into making as much money as possible, and I just want to live a good life.  Often, that means less money. 

So, I get annoyed at "illegals" who exploit birthright citizen ship, get their "anchor" in (popular slang for a baby born in the US to grant the parents residency), and take the system for everything it's got.  I get annoyed, I want to "go back hone" and fix their countries of origin, make them such awesome places to live we will see a mass exodus as everyone goes "home".  That's what I think. 

I don't fear them.  They don't make me truly angry.  WE left the door open, they are just taking advantage.  I can't blame them for that and many of them are contributing citizens. 

And I've seen what they left. 

My first thought today, upon hearing of the Belgium attack "It was bound to happen, all those 'refugees', some of them had to be sleepers for ISIS."  And I was right. 

It's not unreasonable to make sure that the people you're inviting to sleep next door are going to want you alive.  It's reasonable to say I don't want anyone who has avowed murder of my people.  It's reasonable to stop immigration until we can sort out who's who.  And if we can't sort them out, they need to go to other countries. 

I never understood why the Syrians couldn't to go Jordan, Saudi Arabia, etc.  Why couldn't they go to neighbor countries?  Oh, because they wouldn't be accepted - and that should have taught us a lesson.  If the other muslims don't want them, then why would we? 

I'm aware, some of them are Christians.  I get that.  We should do what we can, after screening, to accept them and welcome them to America.   Voice of the Martyrs is doing some good work, if they can vouch for someone then I think we could take them. 

However, large groups of single young men - no, not until we can figure them out. 

Ron believes incidents like this will further the Mark of the Beast technology and culture.

Basically, the antichrist will mandate everyone gets the mark.  It will be used for identification and transactions.  It will usher in a cashless society. 

This is where I add, my debit card has been hacked FOUR times.  One time, someone tried to rob my cash and I beat him up.  I do have a debit card for bill paying but that's it.  Oh, and some internet transactions. 

You can guess what I prefer. 

Anyway, hopefully this will bring a halt to the open doors policy we have seen of late. 

I can't emphasize this enough: I don't like any candidate.  I will grit my teeth and vote for "least worst" on election day.  I will feel queasy as I do it.  But I will do it.  I will endeavor to bring Ron along, too. 

Anyway, whoever gets elected has got to get tough on immigration.  I'll remind you: I had nightmares about Trump, who, putting it politely, has a lot of baggage.  I had nightmares about Cruz (who I feel is too sympathetic and soft on immigration).  I don't like either. 

And I'm not a democrat.  I consider myself a Conservative Evangelical Independent.  If you support the Constitution, and the Bible, I will probably vote for you.  Although I think we need to take another look at birthright citizenship. 

I don't mean to turn this into a discussion, I've pretty much said it already!  But I do pray whoever gets elected will be a good servant to the country and will shut the door on immigration, be good for small business, and support my right to hand out Bibles on the corner. 

Monday, March 21, 2016


"I've told [my friends] about you.  They all know you're a mental defective - unstable, and not to be trusted."  The guy spat out the words as he stomped off. 

I gaped at his back in shock, disgust and awe battling for supremacy.  I finally turned and walked the other way. 

What happened?  Well, I have a stockroom at work.  It is shared with the other vendor. 

I had mentioned I had some missing product.  I thought this guy could help, and I wanted whoever did it to know I'm not stupid, I know you stole from me, and I will be taking measures. 

Now, when I get to work I pull my carts out of the stockroom.  The candy in question was on a middle shelf on the cart.  It is possible someone stole the product off the cart while I was working, it would be ballsy, but possible. 

However, I thought it was more likely that the key has been copied and used.  Since my stuff is by the door (at the behest of the other vendor, who hides his stuff behind big stacks of empty crates and such), it is easy for people to come in and rummage around in my stuff, or take it.  It's happened.  I've literally walked in and found someone pawing through my stuff "I need a spork". 

I brought this up.  The guy immediately went to I was accusing him.  No, I told him.  I said something else but that will give away identity so I won't.  I said I was going to protect my stuff, and let the other vendor's guy's know to keep building their barricade so no one can get at their product.  I said I just wanted it known that I knew someone had been in the stockroom and I didn't appreciate - that's when he went off on me.  Had I been allowed to finish I would have said "I didn't appreciate them ripping off a blind man in a wheelchair." 

After that, he left me alone.  Clearly, in my mind, he has some mental health issues of his own and I will be avoiding him now. 

I am still taken aback that he would be so ugly, and go on the attack like that.  I can't be robbed because I take medication every day? 

I am certain guys like him would blame me for being raped, even if I were wearing the full muslim getup, going to church, and carrying a Bible at the time. 

This is the peril of coming out of the closet with mental health issues.  People will use it against you.  About 11 years ago, I was assaulted at work and shoved against a wall.  When I reported it, I was told that I didn't know what happened, I had misinterpreted it, and was I taking medication. 

I was shoved into a wall.  There is not any cause for misinterpretation.  The guy should have been fired or at the very least written up. 

Why?  Because he was angry about granola bar prices and I said I would have to talk to Ron. 

So you have to decide, is the stigma and people getting away with hurting you worth hopefully inspiring people and showing them a good example of "properly medicated"?  Only you can make the choice, but you will have to make that choice. 

I can see why so many hide their illness.  I've decided I won't. 

Now, this could backfire on me big time if Ron died and I was looking for another job.  But I am willing to take the chance. 

Would I still be "out" if I knew?  I don't know. 

I feel like a bitch even saying this.  But it is something you should know before you run around bleating your diagnosis to everyone: some are going to use it against you. 

Ron seldom does that, thank God.  When he does I laugh at him. 

About my day: I had a hard time "going under" last night when I went to sleep.  I just couldn't sleep deeply.  It was very frustrating and I woke up exhausted. 

I took a shower (did my God Time later), got dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans, with my steel toed sneakers.  They have purple shoelaces I installed myself. 

We got there early and I got to work.  I discovered a ripped open box of candy and I counted it.  I had 23.  Supposed to have 24.  I'm sure whoever took it said "It's only one, they can afford it..."

Then I had my exciting encounter with Mr Ignorant.  I can't believe people still dismiss anything I say because I have mental illness.  I'm stable.  I'm, for all intents and purposes, "normal".  I am probably more observant than unmedicated people. 

But ignorance abounds and we have to deal with it, like it or not.  I'm just glad he's not a family member.  All my family, whatever you want to say, were very supportive of my diagnosis and medication, although my sister said "Lithium stopped working for Mom".  Yeah, most likely because she stopped taking it.  Lithium has never "stopped working" for me in the last 10 years. 

Mom was only diagnosed the last 9 years of her life, so she could have had a much better quality of life had she been responsible. 

One last thought, if you really think I am dangerous and unstable, why would you go out of your way to antagonize me?   Don't you think I'll come after you? 


If I had a list, and I don't, that guy would not be anywhere near the top. 

The repairman came and corrected the issues I had.  Good.  He will bring an additional part later this week. 

Then we left.  We came home, I ate some pizza and took a nap.  I got a pretty good nap but was awakened by banging from next door.  They are apparently still working on the air conditioner.

If they had paid a couple hundred dollars for a professional install, it would have been done on Saturday.  Always a bad idea to hire the guy in the dirty white pickup. 

I put the blinds down so Ron can have his "privacy" (spoken in an English accent PRI-vuh-see). 

Tomorrow we do a big supply run so I need to get ready for that. 

I just hate being tired all the time. 

Sunday, March 20, 2016

My weekend

Yesterday I slept in a bit (7 AM) and went to Taco Bell with Ron for breakfast.  We were there for about an hour, that's what they gave us, and we had a good time. 

I had a breakfast crunchwrap with steak.  These days, bacon or sausage can make me queasy. 

We went home and I took a nap on the pull-out.  I woke up around 2.  I left the pullout extended on the floor. 

Some noise next door, #6 bought a brand new air conditioning system and was installing it himself, with the help of some guy in a dirty white pickup. 

"I hope" Ron said "They don't burn their house down and take ours with it".  I'm with you, Ron. 

It wasn't a new window unit, it was a whole system with "Proudly made in America" labels all over it.  I had to laugh at the latino buying made in America products. 

The guy in the pickup was there for 2 days, and periodically parked, blocking our house.  I wasn't too happy about that.  Plenty of parking on the street, you don't need to block my driveway. 

I even considered calling a tow truck but decided against it.  About the time I made the decision, they had moved it anyway. 

Around 3, we went to work.  I was glad to get busy and fill some vending machines. 

I had a customer complaining bitterly about the lack of Coke Zero in the vending machines.  I tried to explain, the other vendor doesn't even sell Diet Coke, and you want us to sell Zero? 

"Well" she told me "You haven't tried it since the downtown people came to work in the facility". 

Yes, I told her, I had.  I bought a six pack and it took 3 weeks to sell it all.  We are here to sell inventory, not to supply everyone's whim (I didn't say this).  If I sold every soda that everyone wanted I wouldn't have room for the core sodas. 

We stock a case of Diet Coke cans about every 10 days.  We sell 3 cases of regular Coke every time we come in to stock.  You can see the difference.  I tried, in vain, to explain. 

"We'll just buy it when we see it, then" she said as she left.  Agh. 

I have a tiny stockroom and no room to store it.  I don't feel bad, either.  If you are diabetic you can buy a bottle of water, a Diet Dr Pepper, or a Diet Coke.  We're not a gas station, we're a vending stand. 

Why would we take up shelf space with something that doesn't sell?  It's not like it's "the only drink" for someone with blood sugar issues. 

I think they know I wouldn't buy it if they tried it, like the time someone tried to tell us she could only have scrambled eggs and bacon, because she was on Atkins.  So the girls would go through the hassle of preparing the meal. 

Along comes another woman.  She asked for a scoop of tuna salad in a bowl, if we didn't use any sugary foods in the preparation.  She was also on Atkins, and explained she could eat any number of deli foods minus the bread. 

I was furious, and told "the girls" you had better not prepare that bacon and eggs ever again.  They were happy to hear it, and that way I was the bad guy. 

I get very tired of people telling me what to sell.  I am always dealing with people yelling about plain fritos, they want plain fritos.  Plain Fritos don't sell, I tell them, go buy them from the other vendor.

Then I had the guy who never buys anything, who wanted me to give him four, $5 bills.  For what, I don't know - but the vending machines don't take $5's.

I told him I had "ones, or nothing".  He pouted he wanted $5's.  I wanted to ask him if he thought I was a bank.  "Sorry" I told him, turning my back on him and going back to work.  "All I have are $1's". 

Ron heard me and approved.  I am happy to make change if it's going into a vending machine, and if someone wants $1's it probably will.  I don't care (much) if it goes to the other vendor.  I want to make it easy for the customers to buy food. 

We did a lot of stocking and I used up most of my inventory.  I will most likely be making a supply run on Tuesday (I have to see Doc on Wednesday). 

We came home.  When we went out he was actually waiting on us.  Nice driver, too. 

It was quiet when we got home so I went to bed.  I slept until about 7, went back to sleep, had a nightmare I don't remember, and got up again at 8. 

I did my God Time and took a shower, then I turned on the sermon for Ron to "watch".  He fell asleep on the pullout about halfway through. 

I finished the sermon listening to Ron's snores.  I laid down with him, but #2 decided to pressure wash their house.  They did this about a year ago, a lot of talk about painting (it needs painting), and nothing until the pressure wash today. 

Ron was still asleep, albeit "backwards" on the pullout.  Torbie was also on the pullout, it was pretty crowded.  I managed to find a spot and drift off a little to the sounds of the loud roaring and shouting from next door. 

I got up around 2:30, when Ron did.  He had a heck of a time getting up off the floor.  He was groggy enough he didn't want to listen to my advice. 

I got up after he did and eventually closed up the pullout.  I looked around on the internet for a while, watched some TV.  I called my Dad and caught up, he's moving. 

I think they will like the new spot much better. 

The cats are good, Torbie has a few sniffles but nothing major. 

I just hope I sleep OK tonight.  I have to get up early. 

Friday, March 18, 2016

I am human

I wish I could remember what had Ron laughing so hard, earlier.  I think it was something about the cats.  "Oh" He gasped with laughter "You have to put this in your blog". 

I'm sorry.  :( 

I slept OK but I woke up with yet another headache.  I took some headache pills and did my God Time.  I didn't have enough time after that for a shower, but I looked OK and it was my day off. 

I worry some future employer will read this and conclude I am "nasty".  I don't skip a shower on a work day.  Ever.  That's why I'll always work as long as I can. 

Oh, I have been freaking out about an assortment of various issues, including "What happens to me if Ron dies?"  Well, he's going to go when God takes him, no sooner. 

After he came back, he told me, while he was dead, God told him the next time Ron "saw" Him we'd be together.  Considering some of the people we ride with that doesn't surprise me.  If someone hit us on the passenger side we'd both "go". 

I pretty much shot my career in the head when I went to work for Ron, 15 years ago.  I don't regret that but if something happened to him I would have a problem.  I can't imagine anyone wanting a non-driving assistant vending manager. 

Housing.  I can't pass an apartment complex without wondering what I'd do if I lost the house somehow.  What about the cats?  Exhausting. 

Now, as a Christian, I'm supposed to turn all this over to God, don't worry, be happy, etc.  I do that to the best of my ability but I am human.

Anxiety levels are always worse when I have caffeine on board.  I hate that.  I can have a headache, or I can be anxious.  At least I don't have both. 

This is a much darker post than I'd planned.  I often don't know what I'm going to write until I sit down at my chair. 

So, Ron gave me today off, we will work tomorrow. 

It didn't rain, again, today.  Sounds like a line in poem.  I rolled up the blinds because I was worried about them in the "thunderstorms".  It's sunny out.  Sunny.  They really bobbled the forecast this week. 

I am sorry for the Dallas area and all the severe weather damage they had.  Oh, that's another big one, what if something happens to the house? 

Ugh.  You get the idea. 

Saddest, I'm NOT the only one dealing with this.  I think it would be easier to be the only person on the planet (that would be another good blog title), then to know I am sharing my illness, and problems, with millions of other humans. 

I can't imagine how they deal with it in very poor countries with no medication.  I'm not talking about the top of the line drugs, sleeping pills, or even anti-anxiety drugs, but basic things like antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics. 

Life is hard enough with.  I can't imagine living without.  Actually, I did, for 32 years. 

The other day I was walking at Walmart, with Ron sitting in the kiddie cart.  I stopped and looked at my leg.  "Invisible bugs are back" I told him plainly. 


"Feels like a big roach on my ankle, but it isn't". 

Well, that's my life. 

At least I don't get delusions anymore.  I don't talk about them at all.  I only had a few anyway. 

An example, I viewed Ron as a life-sucking parasite who wouldn't be happy until he'd made me utterly miserable.  That wasn't all untrue, and you have to remember this happened during a lot of binge drinking and blackouts on his part. 

That's another one that could keep me up at night.  No medication.  If something happened to Doc I'm sure I could find another doctor.  It might take a little time, but I would. 

Ron drinking to blackouts, again.  His back is a mess, what if he fell wrong? 

I could go on. 

Anyway, we went to Walmart.  Ron had to call and adjust the trip a few times.  We got there and he complained he'd have to ride in the kiddie cart.

"Do you want to sit up front?" I asked him "And make special friends?"  Both Ron and the driver laughed. 

One time I finished shopping to find Ron sitting next to a mentally ill, unwashed, manic, person who was babbling away a mile a minute.  Their hair looked as if they'd combed it with a blender.  Ron was pretty happy to see me. 

You can find some very odd people waiting on the benches up front at Walmart.  Or you find the people who put their crap all over the bench and don't leave room for anyone to sit, even someone with an obvious disability. 

One time Ron asked why he couldn't sit on the bench.  "Because she won't move her bags!" I said loudly.  She moved one bag.  I gave her a look.  She moved a couple more.  Then I sat Ron down. 

Of course she didn't leave any room for me, and the seat can hold 3-4 people.  Oh, well.  The bags were a lot more important, of course. 

People do that on the bus, and paratransit.  On paratransit the purse gets it's own seat, the dialysis bag another.  Or so they try.  Bus riders aren't stupid enough to put their purse out by itself on a seat, but they'll put other bags in the seat next to them. 

Considering I had an awful incident (with a white guy, no less) with a man who kept rubbing his leg against mine, called me "Little Heather" and actually had me pulling the cord and getting off before my stop, I get it, but if the bus is getting crowded, and it's me, I'm not a pervert, you can "let" me sit next to you. 

Really, me?  I look like exactly what I am, a middle aged, plump, matronly, knitting, cat lady.  I am only dangerous if you have an allergy to cats.  I think I have a nice smile and I behave myself. 

Another thing that bugs me, are the people who stand up by the driver, on the bus, talking to him and blocking the aisle for people who want to board or depart.  You have to brush past them and they act annoyed when you do. 

Well, if you don't want strangers rubbing up against you, go sit in a proper seat. 

I don't care if they do it when the bus is full, of course you have to stand in the aisle, but when 3 people are riding you don't need to stand by the driver. 

It's easy to see how they would be that lonely.  On some bus routes, skimpily-clad young women do that with the driver, hoping to attract the attention of a well-paid breadwinner.  Sometimes it works. 

The bus is also the only conveyance where they don't need a seatbelt, or a child safety seat.  And the drivers are good enough - skilled enough - that I don't worry about my safety. 

So, I got Ron loaded into the kiddie cart and off we went. 

First stop, Tylenol.  Yes, I know it's horrible for his liver, especially with drinking, but he won't listen to me. 

Ron also needed batteries, which we got.  Hearing aid and regular AAA.  Needless to say, Ron paid for all that.  I got some breakfast bars and TV dinners, enough to fill up our tiny freezer. 

I want to have something easy at hand for meals.  I have that now. 

About the only other thing I got for "me" was an ergonomic J-hook (crochet).  I need to dig that up. 

I didn't buy any yarn or any other "fun" items, so I feel a little cheated.  But I have enough to eat and I got Biscuit some num-nums. 

When we got home, I took my pills (my hands have been shaking a lot lately, but that just means my lithium level is OK) and yanked out the pull-out.  "It is spring break" I told Ron. 

I had a pretty good nap on the pullout, but I woke up with another headache.  That one was whacked with a cold Diet Dr Pepper and a couple of aspirin. 

Biscuit had a good nap going on the pullout himself, he was stretched quite comfortably.  I left him there and stepped over the pullout to do my work. 

I got online for a while, transferred an MP3 file to my computer, and did other things.  Ron woke up after a couple of hours, and Biscuit finally got up for treats. 

While he was gone, I closed the pull-out.  I am so happy I am finally getting some sleep on the thing now. 

Ron wants to watch a movie so we'll see about that and then I need to adjust the vent in my bedroom.  It's getting warm. 

When I was sick, I closed the vent because the heater was killing me.  I felt suffocated.  Now it's summer, for all intents and purposes.  I'm going to feel suffocated if I don't open it! 

Plus I need to eat my dinner and take the rest of my medication when I get up.  I am taking an iron multivitamin (it has iron), which will destroy Vitamin E.  If I take E at the same time as the iron it will ruin the E.  So I have to have a gap before I take them. 

Otherwise, it doesn't matter if I take it all at once or not.  But I don't consume a lot of meat and I know my iron levels must be abysmal. 

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Heather the race traitor

I was told to take a day off once a week and forget about Ron.  I've been trying to do that lately. 

I didn't expect the skinhead. 

I slept in until about 8, then got up and took my shower, did my God time.  It was supposed to rain but it didn't.  I believe it will rain tonight because I have a headache now. 

Last night, I had stayed up late looking at Kindle Books and charging said Kindle.  I had accidentally let the battery run down. 

I should probably check my other devices. 

Yup, needed a charge.  I need to check them every couple weeks. 

I ended up buying something I had considered for a while, a HCSB Apologetics study Bible.  Basically, apologetics is "defending the faith" when someone asks "Who made God" or "Why does He allow evil?". 

I am not good at apologetics.  I prefer to focus on evangelism and Bible study.  I can gossip about Old Testament Kings and prophets, and do so with Ron.  It's a fun way to inform without preaching.  Ron loves the story of Elijah and the prophets of baal.  link

It is a good one, look it up if you're interested.  Only 20 verses. 

Anyway, I thought I might want to "bone up" (I always feel so sorry for those from other countries reading my blog, they must be baffled by my use of slang), on apologetics and the book was only $3.  Come on, I have $3 and it will provide a lot of reading. 

Then I looked around trying to find a craft book but nothing really grabbed me.  I prefer a "real" craft book when I am working on a project, anyway. 

Happily, today, one of my "real" craft books arrived.  It is mainly knitting stitches, some crochet. 

Let me talk to you about knitting.  I am what I would consider an "intermediate".  I have made hats and fingerless gloves on double pointed needles.  I made a lot of hats on a circular and then finished on double points. 

However, I wear, for my own personal use, a $2 acrylic/wool hat I found on amazon.  I've often thought they would be good hats to buy and donate to homeless in cold areas. 

In Houston, of course, anything below 70 degrees is "cold" and people dress accordingly.  I love this town. 

Here's a link if you are interested: no, forget that, they are $15 now.  $15!  I bought mine for $2 each! 

If I were handing them out, and I didn't, I wouldn't tell you.  I find it sad when people brag about their good deeds on Facebook or wherever.  God says in the Bible when you do that, you already have your reward.  It is better to keep good deeds private, and Ron and I do our best to do just that. 

I will say I will take much better care of my hats now, knowing I can't get them again.  $15!  Maybe if I lived in Chicago (I really wanted to, at one point, but everyone said the same thing "Heather, you hate the cold."). 

Anyway, I am what I would consider an intermediate knitter.  I can do a yarn over, increase, decrease, double points, straights, and circular.  I never made socks.  I can buy those.  I can knit and purl.  I work left-handed, according to the books. 

Crochet: I also consider myself intermediate.  I am a "hold it like a pencil" crocheter.  I made lace, which was probably the most complicated project.  I made dozens of simple afghans.  I made snowflakes and doilies, but not many.  I never made any hats.  Just afghans and the odd scarf. 

The first afghan I ever made, I made up my own stitch pattern of dc 6, chain 4.  I had some overlap in the stitches and I liked that.  It was a little denser than a granny square, which was my second project.  It was a spectacular creation of lime green and bright orange, with other colors.  I mainly remember the lime green and orange. 

It certainly woke me up in the morning.  I think Mr Gray (a cat) peed on it, and I couldn't get the smell out, so I got rid of it.  I left the first afghan at home when I moved out. 

I would say I am more comfortable with crochet, but I enjoy knitting.  Knitting, however, takes more concentration.  It is odd to type, but I have been crocheting for over 30 years, and only knitting (off and on at that) for 9.  I can sit and watch TV, working on a granny square, or talk to someone.  I can't do that when I'm knitting, yet. 

But practice makes perfect, and I haven't done any knitting in a couple years.  I'm amazed I can do garter stitch (my current project, although I like purling). 

I have plenty of yarn, so I didn't want to buy more.  I asked Ron about our cat food inventory, he has a bad habit of telling me we are out.  He said we were fine. 

So, I didn't need to do that. 

What about Lifeway?  I would love to get a case of Bible Promise books.  I concluded that shipping charges would be less expensive than hiring a cab to get me, and my treasures, home from Lifeway once the order came in.  Isn't that sad?  And they're only a couple miles from the house. 

If I could get anything from a local Christian, it would be help with rides like that.  Yes, we could take paratransit, but they make us wait an hour.  The store isn't even as big as my entire property, 6K square feet, and it would be awkward - IS awkward, waiting and explaining that we are the "losers" who can't drive. 

But can do shipping for about $5 a case.  A cab ride home, with tip, is about $20.  [sigh] 

I didn't want to go to the coffee shop, I am a soda woman. 

Diet soda, of course. 

The kids next door erupted into the yard, with happy shrieks.  I had to get out. 

What did I want?  I wanted to sit and read my inspirational romance novel, drinking a large soda and eating a Sourdough Jack from Jack in the Box. 

But it's a fried hamburger. 

I want a Sourdough Jack. 

OK.  It's on the bus line, near the mall surrounded by drug dealing and gangs, but that doesn't scare me. 

I got my bus pass and stuck my romance novel in my back pocket.  I didn't bring my project, worried I might get food on it, and after all it's supposed to rain! 

So much for that, by the way. 

Ron gave me some money for a cab if I wanted one. 

I left and walked to the bus stop.  I walked down "the other side" of the street, avoiding a yard with vicious dogs, and another, nearly impassable, section.  I understand why the homeowner planted a thick hedge along the property line, but it's grown completely over the sidewalk.  I always worry I'm going to put my foot in a hole and break it, and I always hit my head on an overhanging tree branch. 

My new way worked much better.  I got to the bus stop and texted for the next pickup time, then realized, to my horror, I was waiting at the wrong bus stop! 

Properly medicated. 

I crossed the street, to the bus stop that got hit by a car and now leans at a 45 degree angle.  I talked to Ron on the phone for a little while and called the bus company about the sign.  They were very nice about it and took a fix it report. 

If Ron were walking, it would be a hazard for him hitting his head while walking with the white cane, but Ron can barely stand up these days. 

He had been bleeding again for a while, but it stopped. 

At least it's not cancer.  His colon is clean as a whistle according to two surgeons. 

My bus came and I pretended to push the bus stop pole to the upright position, then laughed as the driver stopped.  Even when I'm depressed, I can still laugh thanks to my medication. 

I had brought my "big meal" pills (PM dose) in a small bottle I kept in my left pocket.  We had a good ride. 

I went to the end of the line, then walked about 2 blocks to the restaurant.  I went in and the manager asked about my book (I was reading in line).  I explained the whole "Day out, caregiver" thing, which I'm doing a lot lately. 

Maybe God needs them to hear about it. 

I got my curly fries and sourdough jack.  I got a diet rootbeer because it didn't have caffeine.  I try to avoid caffeine after about 11 AM, if possible. 

I had to take an OTC headache pill around 5 PM for my headache, and it has caffeine.  I will probably be up for a while because of that. 

Anyway, I ate my food while reading most of my book, used the bathroom (acceptable) and got a refill on my rootbeer.  I called Ron and he wanted eggrolls and tacos. 

I was really skeptical about bringing him cold, fried, food, but he swore that's what he wanted.  I got them and some churro things (which may have been involved in the headache) as I left. 

I saw a white guy waiting at the bus stop.  He was a little heavy but seemed nice, until I heard his phone conversation: 

1. They were going to have to beat up a "poser" who had white power tats but not a member of the group.

Great.  He's an White Brotherhood member.  A latino man at the bus stop took one look at the "tats" and left the bus stop, standing behind it and 20 feet away. 

2. They were working on their Facebook page.

I sat there, a couple feet away, drinking my diet Root Beer, thinking, "You would be Most Unhappy if you knew I married a 'Black' man." I believe they call women like me "race traitors".

I don't see Ron as white or black.  I just see him as Ron.  If I label him in my head, and I don't, he's "Creole" - a mixture of black and French.  That's how I would describe him.  I would also mention a family tree search found Native and Spanish blood as well. 

I remember thinking "I am more scared of you than if you were a gang member or drug dealer".  They're not going to bother me in my $10 shoes.  He might. 

I have a wide, tungsten (cheap metal but shiny and scratch proof) wedding ring, and I was never so happy for it in my life.  I made sure it was visible as I held my soda. 

I was really happy to see him board another bus.

The latino guy never came back. 

I worked on my soda until the bus came.  I was distracted eating the last mini-churro and almost missed him.  I laughed as I boarded, saying "I'm glad you were paying attention!"

I sat down and didn't drink my soda until I deboarded.  I could get a $300 ticket if a transit cop caught me. 

I have better ways to spend my money.  I used Ron's cab fare money to buy his food. 

I got to my stop, got off, and walked back home.  It was cloudy but no imminent rain.  I had taken my pills with lunch so I didn't have to worry about them. 

When we got home, I gave Ron his food, which was apparently delicious even cold.  As long as he's happy. 

I finished reading my romance novel and took a nap. 

I used the pull-out, because the kids next door are "offa" school this week and they might want some more noisy play during my nap. 

I slept great, for almost 3 hours.  I am glad I have finally learned to sleep on the pull-out. 

I can always use some rest.  I am constantly fatigued from my medication.  Depression doesn't help either. 

Enough whining.  I woke up with a headache and took something, which worked. 

I will say the OTC Aspirin-Tylenol-Caffeine headache tablets work very well for me.  I find it sad I "have" to buy them in the 200 count bottle, though. 

Doc says my usage is acceptable.  So I won't worry. 

I unplugged my Kindle, finally charged, and did my usual internet things. 

Except email.  Please, not the email. 

Just now I went to roll up our exterior blinds because "It's going to rain tonight".  Yeah, right.  Anyway, I rolled them up.  While coming back around the house, I had to laugh when I passed the computer room.  I have a tiny gap in the curtains, because the cats like to sit in that window.  Through the gap, you can just glimpse my copy of "Kingdom of the Cults".  I find that very funny. 

One book I could never get into was the "Handbook of Spiritual Warfare".  It talked about people getting "infected" with bad spirits after a rape, etc.  It sounded like a bad episode of "Supernatural" - the TV show with the demon-fighting brothers.  It also, to me, smelled of blaming the victim. 

I will read anything, I literally read phone books when I was a kid, but I just couldn't get into that.  I have to figure maybe part of it was the Holy Spirit guarding me. 

I do believe in the Holy Spirit.  I believe many times my leadings, instincts, and inclinations come from Him.  Several times, I've walked up to a complete stranger and given them a Bible.  They all reacted positively. 

The odds of that are impossible, especially when you figure 90+% of the people on a Handout either reject me outright, or pointedly ignore me.  That's God, happening to use me, because I am willing and at hand. 

I don't kid myself I am anything more than that. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Flaming hot pork rinds

I  couldn't believe it as I stood in the warehouse, surrounded by bottled water.  They had everything except "my" 20 ounce bottled water.  How can I stock the bottled vendor without water, which is literally 1/4 of our business? 

I was even more disgusted when I realized they were out of the 16.9 ounce black tea with peach, also a staple of our sales (and another 1/4 of our business). 

I left my "buggy" and went to talk to Ron.  He was outraged when I told him. 

He made a phone call and we decided to go to the other store, which, he'd been assured, had both.  It was a long ride. 

I got another flatbed cart (on average, I get about 60 cases of inventory), and rolled into the store.  Would they have what I needed?  Were the employees helpful?  Would I have a good "shop"?

Well, they didn't have the hot pork rinds, but I found everything else.  Not only that, one of the employees helped load my cart with all the bottled drinks I needed.  I didn't even have to ask. 

Well.  I had an even better time at checkout, and a very helpful young man helped load the truck.  I stopped at the customer service desk on my way out. 

"Which one of you talked to the crazy man yelling about bottled water?"  Ron can get a little vehement when he's "triggered". 

A woman raised her hand.  I indicated my loaded cart, complete with bottled water.  "I found it all.  Thank you very much for helping us."  She smiled.  I grinned back. 

The customer service was a thousand times better, it was better stocked, and overall much better run.  Ron and I have decided we will shop at that location from now on.  It's not worth it to go to the other place. 

Yes, they have flaming hot pork rinds, but that's all they have, and half the time they don't even have them in stock. 

Then we went to work.  I got the "buggies" and unloaded the truck with Ron's help.  He wore his glove and did not damage his hand. 

Good.  The last thing I need is Ron bleeding all over the merchandise!  Oh, that would be horrific. 

About a year ago I gashed my leg on a screw inside a snack machine door.  I couldn't stop bleeding, but that was only a couple inches above my ankle.  I just put some black pepper on it and it clotted up just fine.  I have a tiny scar but you really have to look. 

As a result, I am a huge fan of black pepper. 

I got everything inside the building and got to work stocking.  I had a significant amount of work.  I got it all done, helped Ron, got my high-value products locked in the bottom of a snack machine, and put the rest in our shared stockroom. 

Right after we finished, one of the bosses showed up and did an inspection.  You can bet I was really glad I had done all that work!  It looked great. 

She even said so. 

"I don't think" I told Ron later "Anyone figured we would be successful."  He agreed.  "For a while there we were barely making any money.  They didn't figure we could do it well."  Well, we do alright. 

Then it was out to the bus stop to wait on our ride, which came pretty quick, considering. 

We went home.  It was nearly 3. 

Now, about the neighbors.  Monday they went on some outing and were gone all day, so I had a great nap.  Yesterday they started playing outside around 3. 

It was well after 2.  It was a safe bet they would start making noise around 3 again. 

So I pulled out the pull-out and took a nap on the floor in the computer room.  Biscuit joined me.  I slept, for a change (I usually never sleep on the pull-out, but I must have been tired from the physical labor), and even had a dream.  I woke up a couple minutes before my alarm, at 4. 

I fixed up the pull-out (arranging the bedding, folding it up, etc.) and did my God Time (I hadn't done it in the morning due to headache and extreme fatigue), sitting on the pull-out loveseat.   I always do my God Time on the loveseat, it was just funny to sleep on it, and then 10 minutes later do my God time sitting on it. 

I finished that.  I had a headache so I took something for it, worried the caffeine in the headache pills would keep me up all night, and then I got online.  I need to check my email.  My Dad has a habit of sending out important news via email and I barely check it once a week. 

Tomorrow's a hard day for my Dad, so I will call him.  St Paddy's Day was never a happy holiday in my house.  Never.   

My Dad has his own reasons for that, which I won't disclose, but I understand.  That's why I will call. 

351 emails?  WHAT? 

I'll be back. 

As I figured, a combination of Amazon emails begging for feedback, other Amazon spam, spam from my health insurance?   I can understand a newsletter, but an app?  No.  Stuff from work, church, blogger, tons of sale stuff, just JUNK all of it JUNK except one from my Dad about a blind lady evangelist. 

Now I can tell him, tomorrow, I read it (and I did). 

After I did my Facebooking Ron and I went to the Waffle House for dinner.  I had 4 eggs, I was hungry.  Ron had me cut up his food (I don't mind). 

We were teasing the waitress who had a dog, telling her she should take the T-bone from Ron's dinner home to her dog.  She kept protesting and we kept teasing her as she laughed.  Her coworkers got in on it, too. 

We had a good, straight, ride home.  Alright.  I'll take it! 

Then I came back in the computer room and started telling you about my day.  I'm pretty tired so I should sleep OK. 

It's supposed to rain pretty hard tomorrow so Ron gave me the day off.  We plan to work Saturday night, though. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


Did you know I used to eat paper?  I hated the taste but I craved it, I just knew I needed something in the paper. 

I also ate salt, I have always eaten a lot of salt, but one time I was given a bag of salt for a science project and I literally ate the whole bag.  I was in the second or third grade. 

Of course my parents got dragged into this.  Something is wrong with your kid.  They took me to the doctor, who said I was fine.  We had already been to family counseling and I was deemed "normal".  Ha! 

I found the texture disgusting and the taste sour, but I'd work it between my molars and chomp it, sucking the juices.  I would rip off the edges of my schoolwork and nibble as I worked. 

Why was I eating the paper? 

I read recently that children suffering from pica - eating non-food items, are often severely anemic.  That makes sense.  I had the symptoms. 

Oh, well, they're wiser now. 

I just thought I'd share that nugget from my far past.  Once I stopped growing, I didn't want paper anymore. 

Thank God I never had a blockage! 

I still crave salt, and I should.  Doc made it really clear I need to consume a lot of salt, because lithium evicts it from my cells, and I need sodium to live.  I take salt tablets.  That was an easy fix. 

I'll never forget licking my finger and sticking it in the bag of salt, then sucking every grain off my finger.  Then I'd make a run to the water fountain. 

I stopped taking my supplements for a couple weeks, while I was getting over the hives/poison ivy on my leg.  I didn't want to consume an allergen and exacerbate the problem. 

However, I'm a big fan of supplements in general.  I bought some "women's multivitamin with iron" tablets today, and when I did up my pills those got added, along with some A, E, and other things. 

I need to get some large sized vitamin C capsules.  I am lacking that and it's allergy season. 

Happily I don't seem to be allergic to any of the many pollens that abound in Houston.  I don't like mold, and cat dander (!) is an issue, but I do alright allergy wise. 

I read one nutrition book, it basically said to treat an allergy attack the same way you would a cold or flu, go to bed, rest and plenty of liquids.  I don't think many of us can afford to do that. 

Ron gave me today off.  I slept in until 7, well, I would have, but Biscuit woke me up early, asking for breakfast.  I let him do it.  I just made sure to turn off the alarm before "we" got his breakfast.  Later on, when he wanted dinner, he got under my chair and begged by rubbing against my foot, instead of walking on they keyboard.  Good boy. 

He continues to like the Gravy Lovers cat food.  I give him 2 cans a day, and he eats dry, and treats.  He's nice and plump, probably a pound overweight. 

Ron overfeeds the cats.  He basically says a skinny cat is an abomination, and he won't have skinny cats in his house.  Considering all our cats came to us, skin and bones, starving, I can understand. 

We went to Walmart.  Even with the air conditioning filter and a case for my sunglasses (I wear them over the regular glasses, NOT a clip-on which I hate), I still only came to about $60. 

I forgot to get food, but I have a fair amount of canned stuff.  I'll work on that. 

I did remember more Gravy Lovers for Biscuit.  I got 3 flavors. 

I decided not to throw away the cat food trash in the trash can, it makes the whole house smell like rotting meat, or fish.  I decided to throw it directly into the trash can.  I can also hold the can off to the side for an hour and see if Biscuit likes that particular flavor. 

Hard to believe Biscuit was not in my life, 2 years ago.  He wasn't even born! 

It is nice to have young cats (about a year and a half) with my very old Torbie.  When she does die they will help mediate the pain. 

I keep expecting the worst with poor Torbie, but she will probably get raptured with is in a week. 

We came home, I was pretty tired.  I took my medication (Ron and I had split a 20-piece chicken nugget and small fries) and a nap.  I managed to sleep for about an hour and a half, and I was happy to get it. 

Then, organizing.  I am always trying to get things tamed, not that you'd guess by looking at the house.  I rounded up the laundry and got that started. 

God help me if I'm caught "letting" Ron walk around "dirty". 

Happily he is fine using the glove so he won't smash his hand again.  It looks unhappy so I disinfected it again today.  His leg is still healing OK, but slowly. 

His legs take a while to heal from anything, I've been told he has bad circulation, but not as bad as the images I've seen on the "bad vein clinic" commercials on TV.  His legs are very pale, paler than mine.  He never wears shorts these days, his legs are too scarred up.  He is very shy about the scars. 

He has a huge scar on his forehead so I think that's a little silly.  You don't see him wearing hijab to cover up.  But he can't feel it, and boy it was spectacular.  I'm amazed it healed as well as it did.  At the end of the day, he just lost some pigmentation. 

No one told me I should keep Ron out of the sun while he was healing, so that might have been a factor.  I feel a little bad about it, but he already had scars.  I was just worried about getting him some vitamin D. 

These days, he's pretty good about taking his supplements.  He has a braille Dymo labeler, so he can mark it "B" or "D" and take it accordingly.  He is not getting multivitamins from his diet of takeout and frozen dinners. 

I try.  I get him V8, I make him salads, I cook vegetables, and he won't touch any of it.  At one point I was putting canned sweet potatoes (the unsweetened mashed type) into cornbread just to get him some Iron and Vitamin A. 

If I can't get him to eat right - and no matter his independence, some will always blame me - I can at least make vitamins available. 

He was asking me today how much Vitamin A I consume, and I told him.  I feel he is becoming more serious about his health. 

I got back on the iron bandwagon.  Those green iron tablets make me sick, but the kind they use in the multivitamin are far better.  Good, I'll take that instead. 

I remember when I was donating blood, I had to take the multi with iron just to keep my levels in a donation range. 

Monday, March 14, 2016

I say that a lot

The neighbors baffle me.  Saturday, kids in the yard all day playing.  Well, it's nice weather and we don't have a lot of that in Houston.  I understood that. 

Yesterday, dead silence all day, until well after 8 PM, when I went to bed.  Then, it's playtime for an hour and a half.  Why couldn't they have done that at a reasonable hour?  God only knows. 

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, especially when I had to get up at 5 AM (that was eliminating my God Time, which I have yet to do).  I'm not angry, just baffled, and I say that a lot about them. 

Moving on: we had a good ride to work and a moderate amount of work to do.  We do need to make an inventory run before we stock again. 

Peanut butter crackers remain popular, I don't get it - I've never liked them, but the customers line up for them every day. 

Our food machine has a bad bill acceptor and validator.  I don't know what's wrong.  Hopefully we can get it sorted out. 

We got Ron a leather glove for his left (good) hand, and cut the fingers off so he can "see" what he's doing.  It worked very well today.  Looking at his hand now, it probably could have used some stitches, but it's healing alright.  So's the thing on his leg. 

After work, we went to Taco Bell.  Not to eat, but because it is close to the Post Office. 

You see, I can't mail anything at the postal facility where I work.  No, I have to go to the post office, mail it there, and then watch it go back to the postal facility where I work.  That's bureaucracy for you. 

So, I did, walked over and found some packaging for it, made up a label, and waited in line forever behind 8 other people. The Post Office box transactions take the longest amount of time.  No, passports are worse. 

Unfortunately, we went at lunch time so it took even longer. 

Ron had to push back our pickup another 20 minutes, which worked out just fine.  I finally got up the window, got rung up (he gave me a flat rate padded envelope which saved me a few dollars), and on my way.   He was very nice, which is what I really care about, so I filled out a survey when I turned on the computer. 

We had just enough time to eat before the driver arrived.  He was a nice guy.  I got home and tried to take a nap, but the yard guys showed up.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to see them (they are still working), but I really wanted that nap. 

We'll see if I can get one after they depart.  If so, I will do my God Time when I get up. 

Ron is busy stuffing his face with a 5-layer burrito (he is addicted to them, and no, I have no idea what the 5 layers are), making yum yum noises.  The cats are upset at the power equipment being used.  The yard guy's happy Ron gave him a tip. 

[sigh]  Now let's go see about that nap. 

2 days in one, again

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  We went to the warehouse, got our supplies, went to work and stocked.  Jack will be out of town next wee...