Showing posts from April, 2012

Not what I intended

Well, I'm feeling better.

I'm pretty tired, but I'll live.  I think fatigue is just going to be a part of my life, from now on, thanks to medication.

Saturday I took as a recovery day.  I noticed some red wine slopped on the tile floor and I asked Ron if he'd consider the use of a covered cup.

He gets coughing attacks, which he refuses to address.  His attitude "If I'm sick I don't want to prolong my time here, anyway.  I'd refuse whatever treatment they had, so why bother to get it diagnosed?"

Ah, I can think of several reasons.  One, what if it's contagious?  Two, what if it's something simple like allergies?  That's "accepting" Ron's "I don't want to live a minute longer than I have to" credo.

Anyway, he gets coughing attacks, and has coughed mouthfuls of wine onto family photos, all over walls, etc.  This time, he slopped it on the floor.

He has used an 8 ounce open top cup.  We all know how this g…

Love of most

Ron and I remind each other of 2 Timothy Chapter 3, on a regular basis.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB) 2 Timothy 3 Difficult Times Ahead1 But know this: Difficult times will come in the last days.2 For people will be lovers of self,lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,3unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good,4 traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people!

Difficult times, indeed.  I just did a profoundly depressing search on my local news site.  
I wanted to cite an article about a woman who killed her newborn, so, I input "mother kills newborn".  I got over 102 links.  
Poor, helpless infants killed in horrifying manners.  I won't detail.  If you're feeling curious you can go look it up for yourself.  
I'm sitting in my c…

Haldol to the rescue

Ugh.  Hideous migraine.

When I woke up, with my head pounding, my immediate first thought: I can take my Haldol or my Phenergan (phenergan is about the only anti-nausea drug I tolerate).

I elected the Haldol.  I was curious.  Since it does help with nausea and vomiting (it's even prescribed for them), how would it help my migraine?

It worked pretty well.  I didn't start vomiting until about 4, and the longer I go the more I vomit.  So, the Haldol did a great job.  Initially.

According to my research they don't interact (and let me tell you I looked).  So, I tried to take a phenergan tablet.  And vomited.

Let's take a minute here to talk about migraine protocols.  For me, I usually ask Ron to make me an ice bag.  He's happy to do it.

I curl up in bed, my bucket handy (I left it in the tub).  I cannot get sick into a toilet.  It just doesn't work for me.  Even when I was a kid, I was always getting sick in sinks.  About the time I became a teenager, (you ca…

He forgives me

I'm back!  Did you miss me!

Boy, it's been a busy week.  Monday, I got my super urgent special ops mail package.

I might get a little money, IF I get it back quickly (it's not a scam).  I had to go to work, from work we went to, ah, call it burger town (BT).  Ron waited at BT.  He had food, drink, and bathroom access.   I walked over and got the mail.

I went back and read it, it seems fine.  From BT we went to our bank and got it notarized.  We had a wait for a while to go back to BT.

We finally got back to BT and I went back to the Post Office.  I could have just dropped the mail in a slot, but chose to hand it to a clerk and get a receipt.  It did involve money, after all.

I don't want to be the bad guy who's screwed it up!  Nope!

We got home pretty late.  Tuesday, we had off.  I slept in so late I got a headache.  I think we ran one errand and came straight home.  I also took a nap.  I did very little, I needed to recharge.  

I worked on my post-apocalypt…
Blogger has changed on me.  I'll figure it out.

I think my Dad is one of those "early adopter" types.  He loves new tech.  I still have a low-def TV.  It's interesting how the various online forums are requiring updates, Facebook Timeline, Blogger - the new thing, what ever it is.

So, what's going on in my life?  Monday, I have to take care of some urgent legal paperwork for my mother's estate.  It has a deadline, and should be very exciting, running around to a notary and all.

I still don't have my lithium blood test results.  I'll have Ron call about that, on Monday.  I think my levels are OK, though.

Depression came to call.  Booo.

I was very proud of myself, yesterday.  I watched some movies, did my God Time, sat with Ron on the porch, and had fun on the computer.  It was great.  Later on that night, I wanted to look up photos of black kittens (I don't have any baby pictures of Bubba).

I wanted to do it, but hesitated.  Why?  Because I s…

An interesting life

Today I rode with a paralyzed Spanish gangbanger.  People seem to think I have an "interesting" life.

Well, if I do, a lot of it's due to the fact I don't drive.  If I could drive, I'd be in my own car, not sharing transportation with every kind of disability in the world.

This morning, it was strokes.  Ron (who had a stroke after his accident), and I rode with 2 ladies who had also had strokes.  I gave them each a Bible, well-received.  One could hardly talk but she really lit up when she saw it.

Sadly, she wasn't very old.  That's gotta be so difficult.

Praise God I was born with all my problems.  I never had a reliable brain!  I could never depend on my moods!  I never knew how I'd wake up!  I always had my learning disability and brain damage.  I've never really "lost" it, either.

My only problem:  I seem so functional no one believes I have any damage!

Ron feels the same way about his blindness.  He never really had it to lose…

How do I spend it?

Ugh.  I've got a nasty headache today.  [cue whining, fast-forward]  However, the Excedrin did the trick, the caffeine "rebooted" me and gave me enough energy to start cleaning the house.

I'm not clear on the cause of my current fatigue.  I think it's both the Haldol, and the lithium.  I'm not eliminating either, and I would far rather be tired than nauseated.

A family member said awful things happened to them on the "new" mood stabilizers, so even if I could afford it (ha!), I wouldn't want to go that route.  I just have to accept it.

Ron looked in the freezer last night, and was impressed at my collection of TV dinners.  I told him it wasn't easy to for me to accept: I don't have the energy to cook dinner, or do the dishes, so I might as well eat something precooked.  He told me I was being smart, and I am.  It's a lot healthier for me to eat a TV dinner than to sit in my chair with the spoon and the jar of peanut butter.  [winc…

Video Blog!

I forgot to add, one thing that brings me great joy, feeding a delicious meal to my cat. Tonight was tuna and shrimp. Boy, he loved it, and me for feeding it.

Life is a lot of work!

Video blog is uploading.

Some thoughts I had after recording.  I'd love it if I could afford to have those low carb meals delivered.  That would be great, just like a TV dinner but low carb and nutritious.  They are highly expensive.

What I'd love to do: make a bunch of low carb meals while manic but the manic energy tends to go to Bible Handouts.  Gotta pray on that, I guess.

I take a lot of vitamins.  I take a B-50, multivitamin with iron, antioxidant, mixed minerals, and folic acid.  If I had an energy problem related to vitamins, that would cover it.

I need to figure out my "Good Time".  Everyone has a best part of the day.  Early evening is, for certain, my worst.  What is my best?  Then may be cook, housework, work out during that time.

I need to download some more tunes.  Music is very good for depression.  I don't think the FDA will get me on that!  [laugh]

I need to figure out a housecleaning schedule.  Today I sweep and mop.  Today I clean the bat…

Goals for the week.

I hate to end a weekend on a sour note, so I won't.

Goals for the week: hopefully finish the bathroom and enjoy my first shower in a while.

Go to the bank and deposit the money for an old hospital bill, they do monthly debits.

Go to Walmart after work tomorrow, and pick up some low carb groceries.

I'd like to update the garden, etc., but I'll have to see.  I've been pretty fatigued lately.

Be good to myself, Ron and the cat.

You're biting me!

Ugh.  I had an unpleasant experience just now.

If you take nothing else from my blog, hopefully today's post will educate you about CAPD.  Central Auditory Processing Disorder.   Here is a link: link

I have it.  This is, basically, how it affects me:

have trouble paying attention to and remembering information presented orally, and may cope better with visually acquired informationhave problems carrying out multi-step directions given orally; need to hear only one direction at a timehave poor listening skillsneed more time to process information"2 Corinthians 12:9
Fewer words may be perceived than were actually said, as there can be problems detecting the gaps between words, creating the sense that someone is speaking unfamiliar or nonsense words. Those suffering from APD may have problems relating what has been said with its meaning, despite obvious recognition that a word has been said, as well as repetition of the word. [happens to me frequently, I'm always saying &quo…

Blood test

So, Ron got the guy to fix the outlet.  He was very nice about it.

I went for my blood test.  Boy, that wasn't much fun.  I had a lot of water onboard.  In fact, I drank so much water I had to consume extra salt!  Apparently I have very deep, rolling, veins.

I have to laugh, though.  It was pretty comical, she had my arm tied off, I'm squeezing a foam ball for all I'm worth, and all of a sudden I start getting tremors.  She thought I was scared!  I said, no, it's just a side effect of my lithium - tremors.  Just try to ignore them, I'm fine.

So, the poor tech has to draw blood on a shaking arm!  [giggle]  It wasn't very painful.  Ever given blood at  a blood bank?  That hurts a lot more.  I told her to be aggressive and she finally got it.

I had wondered if my fatigue level might be due to an anemia.  I have pretty heavy cycles.  Even though I take iron, maybe I had a problem?  I looked at my arm, at the wrong moment.  Very dark blood running down my arm.

I have to tell them

When Ron woke up I asked him about the whole outlet thing.

I guess you could say Ron is my "normal" test.  "Is it appropriate to..."  "Should I...."  He gives good advice.  Of course there are times I may not ask him, my go-to for that are my aunt and sister.

I have found, if I let people know I'm not up on all the social stuff, they are very kind and helpful.  However, I have to tell them!

So, he said, not a big deal.  He put the outlet cover in the tool drawer and said things would be fine, either the guys would fix it, or he would.

I got rid of my note.

Worse than the actual problem

Something happened tonight that had me a little annoyed.  The guys broke the outlet cover on an outside outlet; leaving it open to the elements.  I discovered it when I went to take out some trash.  I'm pretty upset.

Straight on the heels of the thought: should I be?  What is an appropriate level of upset?  Is this an illness issue?  Am I overreacting because my medication levels are off?  Do I need to take a pill?

I swear, the self doubt and internal interrogations are worse than the actual problem!   In my case, I left a note over the outlet, saying "Can you please fix this by Monday, when it rains?  Electricity + water + my bedroom = bad!  Thank you!"  Basically I think they just need to drill a couple of holes and screw it in.  They must have REALLY yanked on the outlet to pull two screws out of the siding and tear out the screw holes!

If it was an interior outlet, I wouldn't mind.  But, it is a safety issue.  I'm shocked they hadn't already addressed …

Cat motherhood

It took me a long time to admit I'd had a pretty raw life.   My birth mother neglected me severely.

Knowing a fact like that is awful.  I even have memories of crying in my crib, hungry, lonely, and tired.  My filthy diaper reeking.  I'd watch the sun climb the wall.  It would start in a low corner and gradually climb to the opposite side.

I LIVED for the sound of the front door; that meant someone was home.  They'd love me, feed, me, and change me.  Until then, it was just me and the cat.

My parents got the cat for my sister when I was about a year and a half old.  I don't think they realized what a friend I had in her.

I'd sob in my crib, hopeless, and lonely, starving and so very lonely.  And there she'd be.  The cat.  She loved to climb in my crib.  I'd slobber all over her, "pet" her, and lie down next to her, her purring lulling me to sleep.

When I got too grabby, she'd escape the crib.  I remember watching her groom herself, endles…

Yay meds

I was really pleased with myself.

You guys know how weird I can get with the neighbor kids running around in my yard.  How I would obsess about it.  I was just so angry at the whole family, because my meds were off.

Once I got the meds right, I went pretty neutral.  Just "please keep the kids out of the yard so they don't hurt themselves or peep in the windows".

I've had some handymen over.  One was already in the bathroom when the doorbell rang.  I opened the door, expecting the other guy, and SURPRISE!  It's my neighbor and his 3 oldest kids.  Selling candy.

I got Ron, and we bought a few candy bars.  Gave them an extra dollar.  I even told the kids "You're really lucky to have a good Dad, who sells candy with you!"

They went off happy.  The neighbor was preening.  The kids were smiling.  And I was a good guy.

[fist pump]  Yay, meds!


Hm.  I need to stop looking at my statistics!  [snort]

Don't get me wrong, I got one lovely comment, and then a completely hateful comment with a spam link tag line.   I don't allow spam links.  I have comment moderation.  I MODERATE the comments.  That means, I do not allow spam.

Nothing hateful gets published, either, so they are out on two counts.  Agh.

Anyway, as I was cleaning tile glue off the tiles in the bathroom, I wondered how I'd approach today's blog.

Would I take the "I'm so tired of being tired" approach?  The valiant "I have a horrible illness but I'll fight it to the end."  The contemplative "I wonder why I am so tired, is it depression, some kind of illness, or just side effects?  Is it all 3?"

I think I'll go with contemplative, today.  It's a good thing I have automatic spell check.  I've slept pretty poorly, the last couple of nights.  It could be as simple as that.

The guy who's fixing our…


I feel my primary job in life is sharing God.  I feel my secondary "purpose" is educating people about mental illness, and the third, de-stigmatizing mental illness.

It's an illness, people.  I don't see that as a difficult concept!  [laugh]

First, I thought I'd share a few perspectives I've seen in my life.  Let me know if you scream in frustrating and recognition.

"Oh, I was depressed once, after my car broke.  It was the worst 10 minutes of my life.  I understand completely!"

"Oh, depression.  That's a made up illness, like 'autism'.  Whoever thinks they have that problem just needs a cold water bath, some more fiber, and maybe a beating.  Buck up!  You are a weak person for even thinking you have a problem!"

"Oh, I used to be depressed but it went away when I got saved.  Depression is only a spiritual battle.  You need to read some Psalms, pray, and do a fast."

"Oh, I am depressed and got suicidal.  Now…

Signs, signs

Thank you, Biliophile!

I'm doing a little better after medication.  I'm just battling the no-energy aspect of things, feeling a little hopeless.   I battle a depression at least every month, often more.  It's just my price of admission.

I absolutely know it's my illness talking; or, as Ron says, "My motor backfires".

Speaking of, I am pretty proud of how I took care of myself.  I ate a small lasagna (the one-portion size), took my medication, and took a lovely bath with a fluffy inspirational romance novel.

I have enough energy to THINK about doing laundry, something I deeply lacked, and I have the energy to change the pillowcases.  Maybe there's a trick I don't know, but I am having a horrible time washing my (longer) hair in the bathtub.  I can't get it to lather!

I might get my solar shower thing and try hooking that up, outside, and running the hose down into the tub.  Cups of water, and dunking my head, just don't work very well.


I won't do anything stupid

When I'm battling a depression like this, I often think: it would be a lot easier to die for my faith, than to live for it!   No, I won't do anything stupid, as Ron says "God would kick my butt".

It's not that bad, anyway.  Miserable, yes.  Suicidal?  No.

Besides, I've learned to expect a post-Bible-handout-depression.  It seems to go with the territory.  I strike a blow for God, the devil strikes a blow.  Here's a hint: God wins.

I have plenty of battle scars, though.  In the Bible, the apostle Paul talks about the shield of faith.  I've heard it described as getting bigger, and more impressive, the more it's used.  Boy, mine must be huge!

I just hate it when I'm ruminating (you can look it up, my modem is misbehaving and I'll be "lucky" to post this) - brooding on something I'd just as soon GET OUT OF MY HEAD ALREADY!

Ugh.  I wonder, do people want to hear about this?  Today, for instance, obsessively wondering if the …

Like a virus

I think even the non-believers will have a laugh over my enthusiasm.

Today was a tough morning.  I had to get up so early, both Ron and I slept poorly (I think, too much caffeine).

Ron was pretty moody and grim.  I was sucking down Diet Mountain Dew and wishing for a mania.  I managed to do my Bible study but not the prayer part of my God Time.

We went to the grocery store, and got a few things.  I needed a few personal items (toothpaste, etc), and Ron needed to pick up some soda for work.  I got them, paid, and we went to work.

We got to work and the food machine was acting up.  It was speaking "Chinese" - unintelligible characters, flowing across the display in a very alarming manner.  I fixed it with a reboot, praise God.

Yes, I pray over the down vending machines.  And the ones that are working.  My faith is in pretty much every part of my life.

We stocked what we could; sales were bad.  It's somewhat expected for a holiday weekend, but I still have potato chip…

It's always a good day for a Handout!

Today, Ron and I did another Bible handout.  I had approximately 100 Bibles, assorted.

I had about 30 leftover from my last handout, New Testaments.  I had about 60 "Whole" Bibles - I don't often do them because they are more expensive, and a lot bulkier, but they were donated.  I also had some Spanish, maybe 20 items.

OK, more than 100.

I slept horribly last night.  That often happens before a handout.

I loaded all my boxes into Ron's wheelchair and strapped them into place with bungee cords.  I hung two more bags, full of Bibles, on the back of the wheelchair.  I put on my reflective vest and got the signs, and we were good to go.

It was a warm day (upper 80's), so I drank a bottle of electrolyte stuff before I left the house.  I brought more, and a few bottles of soda, with me.

Ron often wonders aloud "Why can't they buy their own?"  Well, when I was backslidden (not living a Christian life or even talking to Him), I was scared to death of …

Two, brain-damaged evangelists

I'm pretty tired but I'll do my best.

A lot of weird hours.   The guys can come and work on my house after they're done with their full-time job, which means I end up going to bed later.  Even good stress is still stress, battling depression, blah, blah.

Ron and I have been getting a lot of quality time.  That's been awesome.  I really enjoy him, and we always have so much to say to each other!  It's amazing.

I've handed out a couple Bibles a day, to drivers mainly, although I did give one with a full sized candy bar, to a teller at the bank today.  That's always fun.

We had a muslim driver.  I got a No on a Bible, but Ron dropped a tract and the driver picked it up.  Ron asked him to read it "When you have time".  It's funny how God always arranges for Ron to drop a tract, if he forgets to distribute!

Two, brain damaged evangelists with fatigue issues - it gets pretty amusing at times!

Speaking of, we're doing a Bible Handout tomorr…

More thoughts on prepping

Being an evangelical Christian, I truly believe I will be raptured, before things hit the fan.

I have made very modest preparations for "moderate" type disasters.  I have a bug out bag.  I get 3 month refills on my medication.  I never run out of cat food.

I think it's safe to say my level of planning goes to moderate natural disasters (although I lack tarps, ladder, and duct tape), maybe a quarantine, rioting, stuff like that.  I'm really more equipped for a "bug in" situation where I stay at home for a while with Ron.

While I do believe things will get VERY bad in the future, I also believe I'll get raptured before that point arrives.  But, I have some readers who aren't saved.  What would I suggest?

That's where I'm going today.  What if you are not a born again Christian?  What would I suggest for someone facing "Tribulation" style disasters?

First - a closed mouth.  Don't talk about your "preps".  I have see…

When Disaster Strikes

No, not at my house, praise God.  Tornadoes in Dallas, not very far away.

When disaster strikes; Ron always wants to call the insurance agent and chat.  She's a nice lady.  She got a kick out of his last 2 "claims" - flipped over doormats after hurricanes.

Me?  I want to do a Bible Handout.  I always think people are scared, hurting, and "shook up" - wanting answers and comfort in a scary world.  I immediately go to handout.

Last year, I sent a case of New Testaments to a woman near Joplin, for handout.  I don't know if she did.  She never said anything to me, but that's in God's hands.    The point is, I mailed them.

Now, I am itching to get up to Dallas and do a Bible Handout.  Let them know I'm praying, hand them a Bible, and, ideally, hug them.  I'm a hugger.

Does God even want me in Dallas?  Good question.  I plan to talk to the church and see if they have any "outreach" planned.  If they do, maybe I can hitch a ride.  It…

They don't want a Bible in the rain.

Let's start with an update photo:

Looking good!  Dad was thrilled when I sent him this in an e-mail.

I'm battling a fair amount of depression and fatigue.  I'm not in agony, just really worn out.  Ron suggested I buy some TV dinners because I am so tired at mealtimes.  It's a lot cheaper than takeout.

Happily, one of the guys referred to me as "very easygoing and patient".  That's nice to hear.  Like I told my pharmacist, the medication gets all the credit for that!   I don't want to be an ugly person; God forgives me for my past mistakes but I have been pretty harsh at times.

But, as we can all see (sorry if you're blind), it's looking fantastic and we can see it should be finished soon!  In the meantime, my home is overrun in power tools, grout, tiles, mastic, and other things.  That's OK, I'm kind of messy anyway.

The only line I have drawn, don't block the cat food.  [snort]  I put that in a corner of the bedroom.

The guy…