Headache is a little better

 But I am wiped out.  

I just want to go to bed.  

I still have 2 hours when I get back.  

I woke up with a dreadful migraine

 I am not sure if it is the weather or the fried chicken I had for dinner last night.

I managed to beat it back with a Phenergan.  I will have to ask for more.

I was falling asleep on the bus, though.  I saw my boss out on the floor working so she goes home before I do.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to work!

 It is my long day but I can get a good night of sleep.  I had a good morning with the cats.  Cleo has a little bald spot on her chin; I need to see if I have some advantage, check her for fleas, treat her.  She is very skittish so this should be fun but I don't want her itching.  

If I don't have Advantage I can buy it.  

The morning news is awash with a story: car broke down on the freeway, he got out and attempted to cross lanes of traffic, hit repeatedly, freeway is shut down in both directions.  

If your car breaks down on the freeway call for help and put your hazards on if possible.  Don't get out.  This is the second story I've heard something like this happened.  

Surprisingly it doesn't bring up Ron's accident.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch!

 Getting a ride home!  2 hours of my life back I plan to take a nap! 

2020 taught me a brutal lesson in what I share online

 So I will just say we had some drama at work last night before I left.  My boss stepped up and made order out of chaos and impressed the hell out of me.  I was happy to escape when I did 

I also realized I need to carry cab fare in my wallet so I am doing that now.

I got paid today.  I bought some evangelism things that cost a total of $8.

I don't know who works when but the morning people seem very relaxed.  That is encouraging.

I should have a ride home today, that will be awesome if it works out.  

Tomorrow is my long day.

My sleep continues to be very poor but I'm functioning.  That's it for now.  

Work has been going OK

 I am tired and not looking forward to the ride home.

The friend who gave me the cat scratcher has something else for me; will drive me home tomorrow and drop it off.  So no bus ride 

Today, though, is another matter.  Times like this I still wish I was doing the diet soda, I could use the caffeine.

But I do find it helpful to lie down for half an hour when I get home so I am going to think about that.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

 I slept poorly last night, six and a half hours with one hour awake.  Oscar the Tomcat came by again, howling at the back door.  Biscuit didn't get up, he was too busy hogging half my blankets so I was cold all night too.

I did turn up he heater to 74 before I took my shower and then back down to 70 before I left.  

I promised myself an iced coffee if I went to work.  I got a Java Monster Salted Caramel for $2.50.  It wasn't very good   I should have gone to McDonald's.

My rides were uneventful.  The second driver has tomorrow off.  My first driver has enough seniority he doesn't work weekends.  The third driver is a sweet young lady I am very fond of her.

I had a thought, riding down the road, that I shared with her when I got off.  "You pick us up in the dark, and take us to the light". And then I thanked her and got off.

Bus driver: NOT an easy job!  

My boss will be in today, likely for my whole shift.  It is her Monday.

That's it for now!  

Monday went OK

 Long, though.  I had to run by the bank after work and get the bank statements.  All new drivers coming home; more evangelism.  

When I got by my transfer point to come home some drivers were actively avoiding me which I found funny.

On bus now; more later 

I am trying to cut back on the gossip

 I have lived next to #6 for 20 years.  Overall they are very quiet, no fights, as a rule no loud music.  Unless they are having a party then it is yelling and loud music all night.  Especially Christmas eve although they did stop that one in 2020 for COVID.  

Every few years they get a small dog, keep it for a few to several months, get rid of it, get another dog a few years later.  Biscuit and Gravy used to go next door and play with "Luna".  It was really cute to watch.  Their first home must have had a small dog.  

One night only he hired a mariachi band.  Ron and I figured he made some sort of mistake and hired them to apologize, but he never did it again.  

So, overall, quiet, butthead party animals when they have a party but OK as a neighbor.  (I am focusing on the noise issues right now).  

Last night I heard him outside.  He was ENRAGED bellowing in Spanish.  I have never heard him that angry ever.  I heard another voice, I think one of the kids, whine/yell/crying back at him.  I think it was about the dog but the only thing I got was "su hermano" which means "your brother".  

I have never, ever, heard him that angry.  You know my life with Ron; I never even heard Ron that angry.  I didn't think it merited calling the police, after all he was just yelling, he has 6 teenagers and a wife in a small house.  

I don't know what happened but I did hear the dog this morning.  I thought maybe the dog peed on something, or chewed it.  I guess not.  

I don't mind the dog, actually, she (?) keeps the cats amused.  

I was very embarrassed last night (gossiping about myself).  When I took my business/accounting classes in the late 90's I had a solid 3.2 average.  I was a master at making an Excel Spreadsheet, a Powerpoint, etc.  

When Ron came to Texas he did not know Excel, I taught him myself, well enough that he wrote his own spreadsheets for the business and kept the books for 18 years.  I was pretty proud of myself.  

And I forgot all of it.  I couldn't remember =SUM to save my life and could not get the formulas to work, Dad's wanting spreadsheets and I had to manually crunch the numbers and then input.  

I figured out enough today that I was able to get the spreadsheets in accessible form.  So I'm happy.  

Sunday morning

 Friday night was quiet, no cats trying to get in.  I didn't sleep very well.  Maybe I just never will.  

I was thinking today I definitely have PTSD from the various events the last 30 years and probably my early childhood too.  A customer remarked on the number of snacks in my vest pocket when I was looking for a pen the other day.  I always carry snacks because I might get hungry.  

I got up, took my shower.  It was warm and humid so I shaved my legs and got dressed in my cargo shorts and a t shirt.  Sneakers of course, plenty of walking.  

I did my God Time and headed out.  I had my "junior" cart with me.  I have 3, an L shaped cart rated to 150 pounds, and badly dented from an attempt to load 3-4 cases on the bus going to a Bible Handout last year.  So that's out of rotation.  

I have my primary cart, it is rated to 75 pounds and I use it on Bible Handouts.  I try to save it for them and got another, smaller, (rated to 55 pounds) cart that collapses easily which makes it great for the bus.  

I was very embarrassed, and a cashier very disappointed, yesterday.  I ran out of candy.  So I bought 2 bags.  

I had 2 gallons of milk (I drink a lot), a block of cheese, other groceries, 18 pounds of candy.  I headed out and to the bus stop, it was hard pulling the cart.  

I had a very friendly bus driver who was thrilled to see I brought him a snack.  

I got off the bus and realized one of the wheels on my cart was splayed and bending outward.  I realized I was probably over the 55 pound limit.  I thought about it.  I didn't want to leave a broken cart by the side of the road and go to my house, come back with another cart.  

What was the heaviest item in the cart?  The candy.  So I took out one (huge) sack and carried it in my left arm like a baby as I pulled the cart with my other hand.  

I found this lying in the road.  In my neighborhood.  I will let you make your own conclusion on that.  

My friends say it is probably a .380 or a 9 mm.  They say it was probably ejected when someone racked the slide?  If I understood correctly.  

With my history they are not going to let me have a gun.  Which was OK.  

I was assaulted and robbed in my neighborhood, at the bus stop.  2009.  

Someone kicked in my front door and robbed the house when we were mailing Christmas presents, back in 2012.  I found a crack pipe by the side of the road, near my bus stop, a while back, too.  I know what they look like from my time in CA.  

I have problems in my neighborhood.  You know where I don't have problems?  In the ghetto, where I do my Bible Handouts.  I find that ironic.  

I did have creepy gang members standing right next to me when I was distributing in Greenspoint last summer, they were checking to make sure I was not "slipping" (selling on their territory).  

The worst problem I had on a Handout, ever, was last June when I fell and broke my finger, bleeding abrasions everywhere.  I went in the gas station and asked if I could use the bathroom to clean up.  He said no.  So I bought a bottle of water, went outside, and cleaned up.  I am OK with that though because I handed out 7 Bibles that would not have been distributed if I remained unhurt.  

If I'd had some cash, and my insurance, I would have gone to the nearby urgent care but I didn't.  So I went home and doctored it and it works well enough for me now.  I do have a scar on my knee but I never look at my knees anyway.  

And when I was getting up off the ground and saw I was bleeding I thought "How many American evangelists get to say they actually shed blood for the Gospel?"  

I spent the rest of the day working on forensic accounting as requested by my Dad.  Work snacks and drinks are eating me alive.  I got last year done and this month.  I just need to put this month into the spreadsheet.  

That's it for now.  

I can tell the economy is bad

 By the amount of families with a shopping cart full of ramen noodles and very little real food.  It is getting worse.  

I have to say Food Town had the most amazing selection of cup of noodles flavors, though.  

Friday night crazy

 So the other girl didn't do her work.  I got to play catch up with that.  

One of the bosses called and told me I had to do 2 other jobs in addition to my usual stuff.  I just said yes ma'am and will give it an effort.  

The challenging boss was off tonight which is good.  I am literally the only English speaker on the team at present, if a customer has a question they bring them to me.  I find that funny.  

My favorite coworker just told me she quit so that sucks as well, but I can't blame her.  

The bosses are off tonight, we're working on a skeleton crew, and they're dumping more work on us.  

I am trying not to let the drama get to me.  That's it for now.  

Interesting ride to work

 I knew it was trouble when I saw the white woman with the luggage at the transit center.  In my experience the white passenger falls into a couple of categories:  the addicted homeless, the mentally ill, the disabled.  You just don't see "normal" whites on my route so I go on alert when I see them 

Sure enough she pitched a fit on the bus screaming racist profanity and making very derogatory remarks about black people.  

The older black man and I on the bus had been chatting, mainly him bitching about the high cost of living.  We continued it with me cheerfully relating the tale of Biscuit as he laughed.  She didn't like that much but shut up.  Unfortunately she got off at the store so I may see her later 

Then there was the drunk white woman in a dress staggering as she moved around the bus, but she didn't fall.  

The bus got crowded.  I was sitting in one seat with my bag in another seat which I have done a good 10 years since I sat with a very creepy white (!) man who put his hand on my knee - intentionally - and called me "Little Heather". I couldn't get off that bus fast enough.  

So this greasy obese woman gets on and is standing over me on the bus.  I ignored her.  She poked me rudely and said "You need to move your bag". She was not clean and she would have spilled over into my seat.  She was not disabled either. 

I said "No I don't" and put my headphones back.  She went and sat with a black lady telling her "I am so much better than other people from Guatemala because I don't have Indian blood" so she was a racist too.

There was a guy on the bus with one leg completely wrapped up in clean bandages and the other leg covered with fresh road rash like Ron had after his accident.  I am guessing a motorcycle wreck?  I gave him my stick and he was happy to get it.  Poor guy that is going to be a painful few months.  

Now I'm at work.  That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 So I made it and came home.  

After work I wanted to pick up a TV dinner and I was looking at the low cost ones.  I saw the Michelinas Fettuccine Alfredo and that took me back to Baby Girl.  

Ron found Baby Girl and she was always his cat until the Alzheimer's really kicked in, then she was a lost and baffled cat wondering what was happening to Daddy.  It was very sad to watch, even sadder than watching Ron.  She started sleeping at the foot of his bed instead of by his head, and just gave up after he died.  

But one good memory she always loved that Alfredo sauce.  I would eat the noodles and leave a couple tablespoons of sauce in there.   Normally I salt my food but I did not salt this, and she would lick it up every time.  

I only call a cat if I have a treat for them so when I called her she knew it was alfredo sauce and she would come running, once Ron was giving her treats and she left.  

So that was a good, albeit sad, memory.  She was so devoted to him.  

Speaking of cats Oscar the orange tom has been coming by every night having dialogues with Biscuit.  Wakes me up.  Last night he got in the house and Biscuit opened up a can of whoop ass on him, or as I told Jack in a text "Went OG on him".  So Oscar wanted out but couldn't remember how he got in, he was trying to climb the walls, the curtains, went on the dresser, a wild cat.  I turned on light and let him calm down a little, then opened the sliding glass door and he ran out.  

I went back to bed with Biscuit, and told him "Oscar won't be back" and I have been reassuring Biscuit all day that I'm not bringing any cats home, if he meets a friend and wants to bring him home that's one thing but other than that is just our 3.  

All the cats wanted a little extra reassurance today so I did my best to provide it.  

I have also decided to start sending encouraging texts to people I know who are struggling, and do that daily.  I think it is important and they really seem to appreciate it.  

That's it for now.  

Lunch again

 Nice boss was there to start and then she came in at 2.  She is not in a good mood.  

She took me off my primary job to do busywork which is a mistake.  We don't have enough staff to do that.  

I am tired, moderately depressed, and battling a headache debating if I want to take Excedrin. 

That's it for now.  

I was beat last night when I got home

 And I did not sleep well either.  I set up my box fan at the foot of the bed, it provided some nice air while allowing me to keep my beloved blanket.

I think the cats were afraid of it.  

I got to work OK, handed out 10 bags of candy on the way.  I only work 6.5 hours today but they will be busy.  

I had a big meal before work it will be interesting to see how long it lasts.  

That's it for now.  

I made it to lunch

 I found it telling all the managers are here when they cut payroll.  One of my coworkers was on the phone with his bank asking how much he can overdraw his account before they shut it down.  

My hours were increased actually but I have not said that.  A couple of my coworkers are sick but still working.

Lots of people complaining about high prices and asking for clearance items.  Maybe they will remember this on election day.

Also a lot of well-dressed, Spanish speaking customers who are demanding service in Spanish only, even from people who are clearly not fluent, getting a real attitude.  I don't like them much.  I don't know if they are the migrants or not no way to tell.  I have encountered a few today.  

Jefa (boss lady I think I will call her that here) came in at 2, seems OK with me so that's good but I'm always on edge.

I am very tired.  No caffeine.  I am not sleeping well either.  

But I get to sleep an hour later tomorrow.  That's it for now.  

I thought it was cute

 Not the JWs at the transit center (ack) but one of my drivers.  I was going around to the buses and giving them candy.  One of them said "What happened I looked for you this morning" and I told her they changed my hours.  But I thought it was really cute she was looking.  She is not one of my regular drivers.  

Mom has COVID she got it at Bible study of all places.  She is pretty miserable but staying home.  Dad is not sick and I hope he stays that way; he just got over pneumonia.  They do have the majority of the care package I sent Dad when sick so they can use that.  

I ended up at work way before I planned but I would rather be early than late.  One of the associates on my team is sick and will probably go home early.  I don't know the team lead yet.  

I haven't had any diet soda all week I am very happy about that.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch

 It was a very disappointing cup of noodles.  I thought it would be better than the regular kind.  Nope.  I won't buy it again.

Boss has been really stressed today I can't say why 

I am tired and feeling cheated of a good meal.

But I am making some good money this week with all my hours.  

That's it for now.

Tuesday morning

 So I got to work and did some research.  I am currently drinking Gatorade zero or Crystal Light type drink mix instead of the soda.  

I have not been sleeping well for a long time and honestly expected that to improve as I got off the caffeine.  It turns out caffeine withdrawal can cause insomnia.  So who knows how long that will take.

I am deathly afraid of sleeping pills.  I'm not going that route assuming I could even get them.  

I think the anxiety is better, though.  

Graphic post I warned you

 I have always had trouble with my elimination being, ah, slow.  

Very rarely I would have a 911 emergency attack and need to seek a bathroom.  Ron was incredibly hateful about that.  

I also had a lot of unexplainable abdominal pain I believe was a conversion disorder - my mental illness manifesting tangible physical symptoms.  That all went away with medication.

As Ron declined he developed IBS to the point he required a diaper.  I was always kind to him even though once or twice I wanted to dish back a few things he had said to me.  I did not.

When I started on the lithium doc said I would have diarrhea but I never did unless I had food poisoning.  It was the same old usual.  

On a good day, I take care of business before I leave the house in the morning.  I had been backed up the last couple days not eating much so I was happy to deal with that before I left.  

I take 3 buses to work.  On the second bus I realized I needed to go again, with some urgency, but my routes all go through blighted areas frequented by the homeless.  

Today I have a purple backpack and my blue flowered evangelism bag.  2 bags.  And my stick.  I realized, to my horror, NO ONES GOING TO LET ME USE THE BATHROOM.  As far as they know I am another gacked out homeless going to ruin the bathroom.  

So I held it all the way to work.  It was a struggle but I made it.  I was so happy to see that toilet.  

Why am I having this today I couldn't say.  But it was a hell of a start 

Work has been crazy

 I have been OK.  

Walmart radio keeps saying we (the corporation) was selected as one of the 100 best companies to work for.  

I am speechless.  

What are the worst companies?  

I think I can get away with that.  

Sunday afternoon

 I decided I was already on the road to detox from caffeine and the diet soda, I would not buy any more soda at the store when I went today.  

(I also suspect my stomach issues are related to the soda)

And I didn't, for me, that is huge.  I paid all my bills online and then I took a Uber to the store.  I didn't want to run across two streets and take 2 buses to get there, lugging my hand cart.  That's a lot of work.  It was mainly the running across the street part that I couldn't do.  

I am fairly recovered but not enough for that.  

So I went ahead and looked at the Uber app to see what it would run.  I was I believe a platinum member back several years ago when Ron was alive, during COVID, I was taking them to and from work every day.  They have been wooing me off and on for years and apparently I got some sort of promotional thing half off today.  So I took it, a nice man named Josh.  

The store was mayhem and I was about maxed out but I got what I came for.  

I took some time arranging things in my cart.  Today the bus driver got a bottle of generic brand orange soda (she looked happy to get it), a 50 cent bag of nuts, the usual candy + evangelism, and a snack sized bag of nacho chips.  I like to get my driver a little "lunch" (it was that time) when I go to the grocery store and it only cost a few dollars.  

Oddly enough I am not queasy anymore.  But I don't want to test myself.  I would not have thought vomiting for a day straight would "fix" my stomach but it did - and I was down to the acid.  It was awful; but I do feel better now.  

So I figured I was a whole day off caffeine and diet soda, why not keep it up?  Well the headache kept getting worse today until I ate and had some Excedrin, so I will have to taper on the caffeine, but I am still not drinking the diet soda.  

I am not crazy about the term "addictive personality" (I know some of you are laughing at me, here, and it's fine) but I am.  I am an on or off person, I am not really a "moderation" person which is why I have been so, so, careful in my choices.  I never smoked, don't drink, avoid narcotics even when I had a gallbladder attack, etc.  

So once I get "off" the diet soda I just need to stay "off".  Especially when I am stressed out at work.  That's where I fall.  

And, the nausea is back.  Ugh.  

Oh that was a terrible day

 Migraine.  I started vomiting after I got home, I was retching down to my toenails.  It was ghastly.  I didn't have much in me anyway but it's all gone.  I lost 5 pounds.  

A day and night of misery.  Now I have to figure out how to get all my chores/errands done while still feeling like crap.  

That's it for now.  

A change of plans

 Last night wasn't too bad, it was busy though.  And we had another "Karen" who thought the rules applied to everyone but her, and wanted to see the manager.  

She got my "mean" boss who was VERY firm she was not getting anything.  Good.  I was pretty queasy all night and went to bed early after talking to my Dad.  

I slept horribly, developed a nasty headache, woke up and vomited (so it's a migraine I guess) and while in the bathroom discovered a small, terrified, bird.  

The cats must have caught him.  They tend to have the catch and bring home policy instead of eating it outside like Cleo (a former feral) does.  So I've got what I think is a white crowned sparrow flying around my bathroom and cheeping.  He landed on my shoulder at one point.  He's cute but dumb as a rock; I have a window open for him.  I shut the bathroom door.  I figure eventually he will fly out.  

I would rather have a live bird than a mutilated corpse.  Those are always so sad unless it is a rodent.  

I guess I'm going to lay down again.  That's it for now.  

Queasy again

 It seems like anything beyond a small snack sets me off.  

I skipped my break today.  A lot of associates believe in the smelly fish dinner Friday nights and I would have thrown up.  

Happily I don't smell anyone's food on my lunch.  When I go back I have 2 hours 

About a year ago it was apparent a woman in my department was being groomed for management.  She asked my opinion, I told her not to do it.  She did.  They fired her this week.  She looked so defeated walking out.  

I had 20 years of management no thanks.  I deliberately failed my management assessment when I applied so they don't consider me viable.

I signed an NDA saying I wouldn't post anything unflattering about the company but this is ANY job.  

I did eat some breakfast biscuits just now.  Ron was always a big fan of eating nausea away.  He worried my stomach acid would build up and irritate me further.  

It will be interesting to get a medical opinion tomorrow.  That's it for now.  

I had some fun with my boss

 I brought in an empty cat carrier for a friend.  My boss saw it and thought I brought my cat!  I teased her a little and said he was my support animal.  The look on her face!  

Then I told her it was empty and my cat was at home in bed where he belonged.  She breathed a huge sigh of relief.  

Rewarding bad behavior

 I have been really busy with work the last couple days but it has been going OK.  They have slashed payroll down to the bone and my boss is having a hard time getting it all done with a skeleton crew.  

Years ago, I probably would have told you what I do for a living; that was before 2020 and the reports to adult protective services.  I realized you guys knowing too much can be big trouble (and I was cleared, the caseworker kept apologizing).  

So I will say my job has some customer contact and overall I love that.  I got a hug from a customer yesterday that was fun (a sweet old lady).  

But last night I had one of those customers.  She happened to be a thin, middle-aged, white lady about my age.  She was rich and it was apparent she was used to getting her way.  

She wanted something I couldn't give her.  She cursed me out, was very ugly to me, kept bothering me while I was trying to do my job, etc.  She wanted a manager.  I got her my manager (the "nice one" a no-nonsense black lady all the employees view as their ally) she came out and explained the rules.  The woman kept cursing and being ugly, went and got the store manager, who reversed the policy.  

MISTAKE.  Now this woman will feel like she can come in and break store policy whenever she wants, if she is ugly and hateful enough, is abusive to us, she will get what she wants.  Hence my blog title.  

I was able to steer clear and did just that.  I was literally hiding in a corner away from this woman she was so awful (I have never done that in 3 years).  

The good boss and I got off at the same time and she came up to me walking to the back and made some rough comments about women like that.  I said YES!  It was great and just what I needed to hear, validation that she was an awful person.  

I am trying not to swear here, I have been working on that.  But the comments made it all better as far as I was concerned.  

The rest of the day was fine, very busy.  That was good, it made the day go fast.  I still don't have much of an appetite and am down 4 pounds this week.  

I had a headache when I got up, so I took some pepto, Excedrin, my antidepressant, a multivitamin, and a granola bar.  Hopefully that all sits OK it is a long ride to work.  

I only work 2-9 today and then off 2 days.  Tomorrow I go get my checkup I have a feeling that will last a while.  Ace can get me in the morning but it will have to be a little early which is OK.  I would rather get there early.  

The cats are good.  I slept with them last night.  Still not sleeping great but I feel like I got enough rest.  

That's it for now.  

My friend was late

 But she got me.  She started at ,7 so she was a little late, I start at 9 so I was fine.  We did have time to buy her a nice cup of coffee.  

I am figuring out the budget.  Unfortunately I will need many rides next week including my trip to the doctor Saturday.  

Challenging boss will only interact with me an hour today.  

That's it for now.  

Enough is enough

 I will get into work later 

I went out to the bus stop and the homeless man with no shoes who defecates everywhere was back and feces smeared all over the floor of the bus stop.  

He was right there so I couldn't call the police but the bus company has a text number.  So I texted them and they said they were sending someone out.

I saw a great video

 On my phone at the transit center.  It's a collaboration between Christian artists: Lacrae, a rapper; For King and Country, two brothers who sing in a more contemporary Christian style; and Stryper, a Christian heavy metal band known for throwing Bibles into the mosh put during their concerts.  It was fantastic I will put up a link later 

I had an interesting encounter at the transit center.  A working guy (I could tell) came up to me after we got off the bus and had nothing but praise for the candy Handouts.  I gave him a bag and said these have New Testaments and he got really excited, kept saying I was doing important work, etc.  It was nice to hear but I won't let it go to my head.

I felt bad for my last driver she was clearly having a terrible day.  She likes to stop off at a gas station and get a little snack, clean bathroom, no time for that today.  I have such a burden for her I just want to hug her.  I did what I could.  

Still fairly queasy but I remembered to get some spearmint candies which often help.  That's it for now!  

Tuesday morning

 I slept OK for me, woke up a couple of times.  

Still queasy but I wasn't when I was sleeping, if that makes sense.  I had a granola bar and my antidepressant when I got up and my stomach is making "digesting" noises so I feel good about that.  

Going to work, and I will get some instant Gatorade packets when I'm there.  

The cats are good; I'm not getting any of the cleaning I had planned so Mom and Dad may come to a messy house, I will do what I can, though.  

Worst case I do see a doctor Saturday.  

So why am I sick?

Well, I am still drinking the six pack of diet Dews every day at work.  I ate at a taco truck of dubious standards.  I ride the bus and work at a big box retailer and have been exposed to God Knows what.  I have stress in my life and don't get enough sleep.  

By the way, on his lunch, the pharmacist came over to me in the breakroom and reminded me I need my Hepatitis B booster.  I thought that was very sweet.  

I also do evangelism, ongoing.  So Bad Things don't like me much, either.  Now nothing is going to happen to me that is not permitted by God.  If you read the book of Job it is very clear, the Devil could only do what he was permitted to do.  

But I can always use work on subjugating my pride; this is sure humbling.  I don't feel like I am going to vomit but I have ZERO appetite and am very nauseous.  

Could it be my medication?  That is possible but I think it is a combination of all of it.  Sadly, the store did not have any ginger root capsules.  Also, the "sure fire" remedy my Latina coworker suggested (Picot) didn't work either.  So I am slurping homemade hydration solution because I don't have any Gatorade powder.  

I have to take my lithium with food or I'll get really sick.  So I have a nice bowl of oatmeal waiting; I've done oatmeal before with my pills and it worked.  

That's it for now.  

To the comments; this is not a discussion forum where we all share religious views.  This is a single voice blog of an evangelical.  You don't have to click on that bookmark if you don't like it.  

But if you like watching train wrecks I'm your girl!  LOL  

 

So queasy!

 Work has been good.  My coworkers and customers have been fun.  Walmart radio (yes, it's a thing) has been playing a lot of sun themed songs which is fun.  

I am still desperately nauseous though.  At least I'm making some money. 

Someone - my doctor or the pharmacy - screwed up my refills.  I had to pick one up at the pharmacy on my lunch.  

I will be glad when I can think about food without gagging.  

I will address the theology comments when I get home

 But this world is what we get when we tell God to (censored) off.

Horribly queasy again today.  This is no fun.  

Ride to work was interesting; I've handed out 3 New Testaments so far.

Ugh.  Miserably sick.  But at least I will make some money out of it.

Some thoughts on Handouts and demonic attacks

 When I started the Bible Handouts I funded them on my own.  Ron basically gave me a modest allowance, I could do that.  

After a while of me going and going people started offering to help fund Bibles.  I am proud, I didn't want help, but I did take it.  It started people would send me checks which I would spend on Bibles (and I have always and only ever spent Bible Handout donations on the actual Bibles and shipping.  Can you imagine standing up before The Throne on Judgement Day telling God I ripped Him off?!).  

Some people wanted to help but didn't want to send me a check.  That was fine, here's my address, send whatever you like.  Some sponsors have only been into KJV but the recipients have always been crazy for them anyway (literally squealing "Oh!  The good ones!" LOL), one sent me a case of Bibles from Dollar Tree.  I hate to think what that shipping cost.  Personally I like the NKJV ones from Church Source, they are a very pretty purple and I find them easier to read.  But if it's legit Word of God I will hand it out.  

Then I had the Go Fund me and bought hundreds of Bibles with the proceeds from that.  I kept track of the deposits and spent it all (as I did with the checks) on the Bibles.  I never spent any of that on candy or tracts even - just Bibles, because that's what people were paying for: Bibles.  Go Fund me did get 5% I believe.  

At some point I realized I get a big Spiritual attack around every Handout.  At one point I was warning the sponsors about this: you might get a spiritual attack doing this, and then one poor guy lost his $10,000 heat pump.  I stopped.  I thought maybe I was manifesting this I thought.  

But I am advancing against demonic strongholds.  I jokingly call "my" corner "Satan's Playground" but it IS.  Those young men are not selling baked goods.  People are likely getting saved (I don't know and that's how I like it, that pride issue again).  That pisses the devil off; his big goal is to send people to hell and separate them from God's love, forever.  He hates what I do.  He hates that I pray for them just like I write on those index cards: "I'm praying for you daily!"  

So he'll do what he can.  Today it was just extreme nausea all day.  I wouldn't be surprised for another night of bad sleep followed by a nasty depression tomorrow.  That's just the price I pay.  

But I will take (and I have a terrible time asking) any prayer for protection from attacks for me and the recipients; because there is incredible power in someone opening a Bible.  

Thank you!  

Was it the taco truck?

 I am horribly queasy but no other symptoms.  

It could be the taco truck but I would think I'd be stuck in the bathroom.  More likely it is probably my medication which is brutal on my stomach.  I have spent a good 20 years sick to my eyeballs.  

Not exactly how I wanted to spend my day off.  Ugh.  

Having said that, I was diagnosed in early September, 2006.  I couldn't get an appointment with a prescribing doctor until November.  I was off the rails crazy.  I had a lot of time to think and I did some research.  

(My sister sent me "helpful" material like a biography of a women with bipolar disorder that was not inspirational to say the least, and also an account of a suicidal man who ended up in a hospital - neither of which I needed to read in that state of mind and were thrown out)

I ended up reading "The Bipolar Survival Guide" which I recommend.  It's very helpful.  I gave my copy away.  Anyway he talked frankly about the various medications and the fact that lithium, then the most commonly used drug, caused extreme nausea.  I decided I was OK with that if I could get some control of my thoughts and moods!

So here I am a good 20 years later still sucking it up.  I really do think it is the lithium; some days are just like this.  

The fun part comes at pill time when I have to gag 3 more down with some sort of food and hope it digests!  

It's funny now

 So one thing I worry about, living alone, is what if I die at the house?  How long will it take them to find me?  

I did tell my aunt to send the police for a welfare check if she doesn't hear from me, I wouldn't want her finding me.  I don't talk about it but it was pretty awful being the one who found Ron, and he was fresh.  

So yesterday I did the Handout and went to a taco truck, got takeout, and then got some groceries.  When I got home I changed into sloppy clothes and ate.  It was delicious.  

Around bedtime I started experiencing some chest pain and discomfort.  Being a stubborn ox I decided not to get checked out and was just living with it.  I prayed about it and remembered a time a schoolmate had brought me tamales in high school.  They were delicious but I had chest pain and discomfort later that night, Mom said it was gas and gave me Maalox, I never ate tamales again.  

I thought, maybe it's gas?  So I took a couple gas pills.  I try to have a well stocked medicine cabinet.  Within 10 minutes it was all gone.  I felt pretty silly but THANK GOD I did not call 911 or go to urgent care.  

I didn't sleep well but I haven't, in a while.  I woke up around 5 and decided not to go to church as it is a 5 hour round trip and I have a lot of things to do around the house today (laundry, cleaning, etc) I have hard floors and they get gritty so I need to sweep and ideally mop as well.  Plus 3 loads of laundry, etc.  

The Bible room was a mess so I worked on that for a while too.  I like to have things by category, booklets, tracts, whole Bibles, New Testaments, etc.  I also have a lot of empty Bible boxes I was "saving" "Because they are good boxes (they are) and I might need them".  In my defense I recently did use an empty Bible box to organize a kitchen cabinet.  

Since they are good boxes I have decided I am going to black out all the addresses (I got my house robbed once, failing to do that) and put them out at the curb once it stops raining this week.  Someone will take them.  

I am trying to focus on doing a lot of Handouts right now while the weather's more mild.  Once it gets really hot I am more restricted in what I can do.  I don't have a partner to sit with the stuff while I run to the bathroom.  

For whatever reason God wants me solo on the Bible Handouts right now.  At least solo on the corner, I have prayer partners, sponsors, etc... I don't do this alone but I am out there solo.  That's one place I miss Ron it was fun to go with him and get a meal afterward.  

That's it for now; I'll post more later.  

I did it!

I'm glad I went; I woke up with a brutal migraine. Excedrin, cold Diet Dew, hot shower took a little of the edge off but not much. I did my shower and God time and decided to at least prep the Bibles.

When I hand out a Bible it has a tract in it (at least one) and a hand written index card with a message I am praying for them daily. For the whole Bibles I had a tract on how to pray, a tract on "Read your Bible in a year" (breaks it into a few chapters a day), a salvation tract.

For the New Testaments I had the index card and a salvation tract. I did up a total of 75 today. A milk crate of Spanish, a milk crate of English. The milk crates fit great in my cart and are easy to remove.

I thought, at the end of it, I don't feel like I'm going to die now. I think I can get this to the bus stop, ride the bus, stand out in the sun for a couple hours waving at cars and holding my sign. So I went.

The first bus two people got on about halfway to my stop in Acres Homes (De Soto and Antoine). The woman was very critical about my Bibles, my cart, etc. Then the man asked me for money. I said no but I offered them a Bible, which they refused.

I got off and it was a little slow at first even though it was after 12. Now they have a large group of "young men" often dressed in red, on the corner opposite where I work. They sell something (?) out of car trunks, stand around loitering, talk loudly, mill around in packs. I don't ask any questions and try not to notice them. They don't bother me. They were facing me today so I saw them every time I turned to the south side of the intersection. I didn't want to attract *their* attention but I did want the north bound cars to see what I had to offer; and some cars did stop going north.

It was very windy; the last time it was this windy the cart actually blew out into the intersection, so I left one case of Bibles in the cart and that worked well. The weather was nice so a lot of people had windows down. A lot of people had deeply tinted windows you couldn't even tell if there was a human in there, none of them wanted Bibles. But the open window crowd a fair amount of them accepted a Bible if I walked up and showed it to them. My sponsors send me really nice looking Bibles that appeal to the recipients.

As before, Spanish was CRAZY. I gave it all away and I had like 30. I had a lot of Latinos looking at me out a window and I would yell "Yo tengo Espanol" (I have Spanish) and they would wave me over. I would ask "Cuantos" (how many) and they would tell me.

One older gentleman actually walked over to me from somewhere and asked if he could have a Bible. He had a heavy Spanish accent so I gave him a Spanish. He looked at it and very apologetically asked for another one, "For my friend".

I told everyone I would be praying for them and it's on those index cards as well. I think the most I gave away at a time there was a whole carload of Spanish women who took 5.

After an hour I had given away about half and at 90 minutes I gave away the last Spanish. I had several English New Testaments left so I wrapped it up and caught the bus.

I went to the taco truck near the grocery store and got a quesadilla which I have not eaten yet. They are delicious, then I got a few groceries including more candy to hand out.

I very seldom give Bibles to kids unless it is Halloween or they are in a car with a parent and they all want Bibles. But there was a young man about 10 at the grocery store kept looking at my hat "Ask me for Free Bibles" and the cart "Free Bibles" sign on the front and looking at me. The third time he came by I gave him a New Testament, he said thank you and started paging through it. I booked it out of there as I did not want an irate parent kicking my teeth in!

Then I came home! A case of Bibles on the porch!

Now time for that quesadilla!  

I have decided to stay single

 The younger guy at work asked for my number and I gave it to him.  Then he was texting me stuff like "T9" which I had to have him explain.  Apparently he is more interested in the physical side of things and I am nowhere near that.  So I had to shut him down.  I think I did.  

It is as very uncomfortable and embarrassing for me.  I have a good life, yes it is a little lonely but it is predictable.  

For my bus ride today we had a guy with gold teeth dressed in solid red from head to toe, drinking generic brand Irish Cream out of a bottle on the bus.  He was pretty restrained though.  

One of the other drivers, from a route I don't take but give candy to, said he had been thinking about me and was genuinely sorry I wasn't riding his bus.  I thought that was sweet.

That's it for now.

Biscuit was vomiting this morning

 But he peed OK right in front of me so I know he's not blocked.  He did eat a few treats later.  

I didn't give him any milk and, importantly, he didn't ask so I think that's it.  

I saw that nice orange boy on my way to work.  He has a home we just say hi.  I call him Oscar.

That's it for now.

I made it to work

 I had my 6:15 bus driver get me at 8:45 I thought that was funny.

I forgot my pork rinds but I can buy more.

I have the rest of my lunch and my diet dew.  

My bank was not interested in exchanging my "toilet" money so I will save that for the self check and get Ace some fresh money from the ATM.  My debit card still works.  

I have also decided to send encouraging texts to some friends every morning.  That is something I would like.

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 Yesterday; I was giving out candy at the transit center to drivers and one of them hugged me.  I thought that was very sweet.  She wasn't even one of my regular drivers, another route is all.  But if I see a bus driver they get candy.  

Anyway got to work it wasn't bad.  I heard a rumor that boss was coming in at 11 but she came in at 2 instead, so I only had her for an hour.  

There is an employee on my team who is "bulletproof" (long story) and she is always going off on that boss it is amusing and terrifying to watch.  I think, if that girl is out for some reason and needs a favor to come back (has happened to other girls on my team) she will not get it (as a very lazy long termer found out).  I try to stay on her good side just self protection and also doing a good job for my employer is mandated in the Bible (work as though serving God and not man, knowing you serve the Lord Jesus Christ).  It's in Colossians I believe.  

Break was uneventful, lunch I ran into my friend Betty who gave me the cat scratcher.  Her elderly cats died and she isn't planning on a new one, wants the stuff to go to a good home, can't bear to throw it out.  So I got it.  And Biscuit loves it, I had pictures, which she loved.  I was happy I could make her smile she is having a hard time (other issues as well).  

I did up a bunch of "praying for you daily" cards before work I was very happy about that.  People really seem to like them.  I hand write them.  

I did drop my wallet in the (clean) toilet which was pretty awful.  

On my way home I was talking to a guy at the bus stop, he mentioned "I have a really bad temper and would probably pull other drivers out of their cars and beat them up" which really took me aback.  

A young guy got off at my home bus stop so I let him go ahead, he was walking fast!  

I laid down for about 30 minutes when I got home, which helped, and then called my parents.  They are doing well.  

It's going to be a very long day today.  

That's it for now!  

Work has been OK

 Boss starts now so we will see what kind of finish I have.

I had lunch with a friend.  She is also a widow.  

I am tired but I start later tomorrow, which means I can sleep in later.  So I should get a decent night of sleep.  

I am looking forward to getting home to the cats.  I am tired; M-W always takes a lot out of me as I am chronically sleep deprived.  

But one of my recipients got off her bus to hug me, today.  

For once, I have my head in the right place

 A while ago I was talking to one of the young male employees.  We were talking while we worked and I told him I had done powerlifting, run a half marathon, and deadlifted Ron off the floor a few times when he fell.  So J thinks I'm pretty cool.  Whenever he sees me he runs over for a hug 

I was helping a customer today when he came by but I stopped to hug J and explained "This is my boyfriend" with a grin.  J loved it.  

He is just a nice kid whose love language is touch and God knows I don't get any hugs these days.  It is always good to see him he makes me grin.  

He is about 30 years younger than me so that's all it is.

Boss had me working all day we are short staffed.  But I did everything she asked, including another employee's work when requested.  

She knows who works, and who doesn't.  It will be a nice break to go clean up grocery for a while at 2.  

It will be interesting to see if the homeless guy is gone from my home bus stop.  If not I will make some calls when I get home.

My experience has been the homeless in my area are all mentally unstable addicts and I don't need that following me home.

That's it for now.  

I slept better

 But not much and not long enough.  I didn't have time to do up candy.

It began raining right before I left so I brought my poncho.  I found a homeless man laying on the ground at my home base bus stop.  I was very unhappy as it was very dark, isolated, and early.  One I got away I called Metro PD and they sent someone to run him off.

The last thing I need is some gacked out mentally ill freak hassling me at the bus stop and following me home.  It has been my experience they will move on from this bus stop if I call the police as there is no way to beg and no access to liquor.

I hope the rest of the day goes better.  

My first driver never showed

 I had to take a later bus.  When I got off at my stop I saw "my" bus following him and making him do all the work.  

Not cool.  He lost a lot of respect.

So I had to take 2 other "later" buses who don't usually get the candy.  They were happy to see it!  

Third bus has not left yet.  

I fear Easter will always be really hard for me

 I used to love Easter, the family, the candy, the trip to church in my special dress and shoes, the family photo, the family meal (ham).  

Ron didn't like Easter because he was estranged from his family.  He was the cuckoo, they were all ignorant and superstitious, he was very intelligent (at least until the Alzheimer's).  He chose a white woman for his bride and they could never forgive him for that.  

He used to say the Creoles thought they were better than every other race, more so than the white racists he had met.  I don't know about that but they did hate me, more so when I refused the "easy option" of putting him in a facility after the accident.  

So, he hated holidays.  

A few weeks after he died I found myself at my aunt's church.  I was raised Presbyterian, I have never asked but I believe the family faith = Presbyterian goes back at least 100 years.  It is important to all of us.  So I was happy to be taken to one for an Easter service.  

Until they started singing a very traditional Presbyterian Easter hymn "Christ the Lord is Risen Today".  I started weeping.  Like I did today.  Apparently nothing makes me cry these days like a Presbyterian Easter service.  

I should have brought a hanky.  I was not loud but I kept wiping my eyes and my nose got snotty so I was sniffling thinking I can't wipe it on my hand because we're about to do the "greet your neighbor" thing and shake hands.  

And they preached on Revelation 21:4, Ron's favorite verse so that was hard too.  It was just emotionally taxing.  

Other than that it was a fine day except for being alone and depressed.  And isn't that an awful thing for an evangelist to say on Easter "I was depressed on the day my Lord rose from the grave, conquered sin, and ensured me forever in Heaven with my loved ones"?  

That said I did hand out about 10 bags of candy coming and going.  I took myself to the taco truck after church and got a delicious, greasy, quesadilla.  I changed into my grubby clothes when I got home, got a towel, and dug in.  It was delicious, I took my pills with it too, laid down and took a nap.  

Spotty has been sleeping with me at night, by my head.  It is adorable.  I wake up a lot on my own, roll over, pet him, he purrs at me, I go back to sleep.  

For naps I usually have Biscuit and Cleo.  Biscuit also sleeps with me at night, Cleo varies.  I'm just happy to get any attention from my guys.  

So today was just really hard.  That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

My aunt and I found a cute, floral print, flowy, modest dress at the thrift shop so we got it, months ago.  I tried it on today and it fits great, a little loose but that's fine.  I'm wearing it to church.  

I have some shoes that are a little dressier than a sneaker I guess I will put up a photo later, but they are comfortable for walking long distances so I'm wearing them today.  

I also brought some candy with "The Amazing Life of Jesus Christ" I think that is appropriate for Easter.  I don't have any chocolate or "traditional" Easter candy in there just the usual pinata mix.  

I am moderately depressed but determined to get to church today.  I am not one for "High Holy Days" but if there is one today is it.  

The cats are good, Biscuit is enjoying his "new" scratcher.  It is very cute to watch him go to town on it.  It's short enough he can lie down and work it.   

I need to do some cleaning and meal prep today for the week.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday

 I was depressed today but I managed to get my shower (quite the accomplishment for a day off when I'm off), God Time, off to the grocery store.  The second bus driver didn't want any candy one of those healthy eating types (nothing wrong with that).  That bus drops me off across from the grocery store, I cross the street, shop, and usually get the same driver on the way back.  

So when shopping I only got 2 gallons of milk, some candy.  They had the candy in stock I was impressed.  I also got a healthy snack for the driver and a 1 ounce bag of chips for myself.  

I had the chips at the bus stop.  The bus came, it was a different driver but he still took the healthy snack (a banana, peanuts, and a bottle of water).  

So I came home, it wasn't too bad.  

I was worried today it would be all work and no fun; but it was, pretty much.  

I was happy I cleaned up next to the bed it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  I also tried on some jeans and did fold up the ones I "fit" and put them next to the bed.  It looks much more organized now.  

That's it for now.  

I made it, period

 I got to my weekend.  

The store was crazy this week, far crazier than other Easters in the past.  I'm not sure why, I don't think people actually have more money but I was hopping all night long.  

The good news I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself, either.  And the night went fast.  

I ate pretty much low carb all day too, I'm happy about that.  

When I got hired we had to watch a video about religious inclusion.  They had a specific instance of if a muslim employee wants to pray in the break room that is their right.  On my lunch last night 3 did that.  I didn't have an issue with that what I did object to was playing the "call to prayer" on speaker phone before they did that.  When I listen to my religious music I put it on headphones.  

So they (3 of them) did that and went back to their meal.  Then Jose in the corner starts playing "Jesus Paid it All" (an old hymn) on his speakerphone played the whole song all 4 stanzas, then turned it off.  I guess that's religious balance.  That's his right.  

And the nice thing to me about the song he picked it's got the whole Gospel.  "Jesus paid it all/ all to Him I owe, Sin had left a crimson stain/ He washed it white as snow"  I wanted to clap.  

In the meantime I was doing up Bibles for Ace's family, Bilingual New Testament with Psalms, tract (I thought "Overwhelmed" was appropriate), and a card where I had written "I'm praying for you daily!" in English and Spanish and also written "Psalm 27" in English, then stuck the card AT Psalm 27 in the Bible.  That took a while even though I only had 4.  

I decided not to do a Handout today but I will do prep work for next week.  My goal is to have a ready to go cart for next week by Thursday, so all I have to do Saturday morning is take it to the bus stop.  

I have a lot of stuff I have to do but I want to make today fun, too.  I need to figure out how to do that.  

Tomorrow I go to church.  

I also have to pick my chicken carcass and get the meat off, then make stock.  

Made it to work

 They were still having the visit from corporate.  That was sad to watch.

I am still pretty depressed but I'll make it.

That's it for now.  

I had a dream last night

 In it, Ron was in the hospital with critical heart problems.  The doctor was working very hard to save him but I could see Ron was so, so, tired of fighting.  I told Ron "It's OK to go" and he said "I'm just going to rest for a minute" and I saw a light come get him.  

Then I woke up.  

I thought I was over all this, that I had let Ron go the day he died.  I don't think about him much.  But maybe I needed to process it like this.  I don't know.  

I do know I have a weekend holiday shift coming up with a very stressed out boss.  One of her teammates, another one of my bosses' husband had a stroke "On his left side" (they always say it that way) so she is out right now before a big holiday weekend.  We had a corporate visit this morning I don't know how that went.  

I haven't said anything to the one caregiver boss about Ron and how he had a stroke.  God just hasn't led me to do that, and the fact Ron died at the end of it all is not exactly a happy ending.  

So I am pretty much dreading work but I will ask God to make it a good day anyway.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

  I mostly slept OK last night but I had eaten some sugar free cookies after work and the sugar alcohols had me very bloated and gassy all night.  Happily I remembered my chewable gas pills so I got into those and went back to sleep.  When I woke up all the bloat was gone but I must have been farting all night!   Poor Biscuit!  

It is nice to start at 2 as I get to sleep in until 7 in the morning instead of getting up at 2 or 3.  I need to take a shower, do my God Time, get dressed, fix my breakfast and lunch.  Work is only 6 hours so that's good but I will likely have the boss the whole time.  

She was stressed last night as we were getting "a visit" from corporate this morning and that always gets her agitated.  They can fire her at the drop of the hat so she takes that very seriously.  

For once with my budget I am logging everything as I spend it, not one of those apps but a basic notepad app (Google Docs).  I need to take my index cards to work and write up the "Praying for you" cards for the Bible Handout tomorrow.  

Ace takes great pride in being a good driver so I know he'll be there tonight.  That was really cute seeing him with Biscuit, Biscuit cheered him right up.  Cats do that.  

They are also a little bit evil and will love on people who are afraid of them.  I have had that happen a few times.  

I need to figure out my lunch, I plan to take the last of my rotisserie chicken to work today and then cook up the bones tonight for some stock.  I can make some good veggie soup - I don't mind a few fresh veggie carbs it's the french fries, hamburger buns, breading, and macaroni and cheese I need to cut.  

All in all I feel like it will be a pretty good day.  

Ace could use prayer

 I can't say what for but I can say I was able to give some valuable perspective on two fronts.  He can still drive me around.  

And how sad that, even though it was the Crazy Train at work - beyond even around Christmas, it was OK until the one boss showed up.  She was barking at me, picking, following me around, etc.  I was so happy to clock out.  She seems very upset that I leave on time - well, most days I have a bus to catch!  

I did some shopping after work, got salad mix, some cheese, pork rinds, hard boiled eggs, etc.  Ace was late but it was OK because he was fine (and so was his car).  He said I am "the most patient" of his clients and I was very flattered because I have been working on that.  

Waiting around for Ron to wake up from his coma taught me a lot about that.  

I was feeling vulnerable and wanted "a treat" but settled for a couple cans of Special Kitty Mixed Grill cat food - not for me (ha ha) but for Mr Kitty Cat.  And Ace was thrilled Biscuit was waiting on the porch meowing at him when he brought me home.  Normally Biscuit runs or isn't seen at all because Ace is the man who takes him to the vet!  

Last night one of my cats was teasing a neighbor's small dog and yap yap yap all night long, got pretty old.  One of my customers told me terriers in particular hate cats, I didn't know that - it did sound like some sort of terrier.  

At any rate Biscuit was happy to get a can of the very smelly food.  I think it is all of the leftovers at the meat processing plant, but it doesn't have any fish so I am fine feeding that.  

I will do a blog one time on my experience with 3 male cats, eating fish protein based foods, and how they all got FLUTD.  How Biscuit is the only one who recovered because I switched him to a chicken based cat food.  

That's it for now.  

I had my green tea pill this morning

 It made my stomach a little iffy so I brought my shake to work.  I didn't eat anything until about 8 this morning so that was a good fast of about 13-14 hours.

I have a pretty good lunch packed, roast chicken, some cheese, and a bag of nuts.  I can eat some nuts but not peanuts or almonds.  I wore my compression socks today too.  

I have a nice Team Lead right now not sure how the rest of the day shapes up.  

I got to work OK but there was an absolute fruitcake on my second bus.  I had my eye on her the entire time.

That's it for now.  

I found a nice roast chicken for my lunch

 It was very nicely browned.  I like my rotisserie chicken a little well done and it was perfect.  I had a leg quarter for lunch with some skin we will see how that holds up.

I noticed I have more energy and a lot less stiffness today.  I find that encouraging.  Dad would have freaked out if he saw how I was moving.

After I ate I put the chicken in my lunch bag and left it unzipped, then put it in the freezer for a while.  Then I closed it up and put it with my evangelism bag in the cupboard.  I have ice packs in there.  I am very careful about food safety I also don't want food odors on the bus.  

That's it for now.

Made it to break!

 That boss doesn't come in until 2 so I should only deal with her an hour or so.

I am being left alone to do my job.  That's how I like it.

That's it for now 

I made it to work OK

 Someone must have been handing out bedsheets to the homeless at the transit center last night as they were all curled up everywhere covered in white sheets, like they were dead.  Very disconcerting.  The sheets were pristine so it must have happened recently.  Strange.

I got my rides just fine.  One driver I don't take, but give candy to, said someone had called in a complaint and said she cursed them out.  She was very upset and I said the video would exonerate her.  The bus company records everything on the buses audio and video, and can pull that record.  So here's to hoping she is exonerated.  She said she simply told the guy he had to pay to ride because he always rode without paying.

I got paid.  I do know my boss will work today but I don't know when, yet.  It will be interesting.  

That's it for now. 

Yesterday

 I was very stiff and hurting.  I ate low carb and feel a lot better today so I will go back on the low carb just for that.  Screw having a hot body, I want to run across a busy street.

And I will lose weight I always do.  It will be interesting to see where I end up.  It is actually liberating not to do this for weight loss.

Work has been OK I can honestly say I have great people on my team.  That's it for now.

 I talked to some coworkers at work and one of them is willing to take, neuter, and keep Oscar once I can catch him.  I am very happy about that.  

I ate pretty low carb yesterday and am much less stiff today.  Good, I need to be able to run across streets quickly.  

Off to my shower.   

Time to go, more later

Ride home

 The bus stop was pristine today even though the guy was there.  He had a pile of large rocks he was throwing around.

On my first bus about halfway.

Monday lunch

 I am taking a very hard look at my finances and pretty embarrassed about some of the calls I made 

Like, the last couple years, I spent WAY more than I should on transportation.  Taking my credit card to work every day - bad call.  

In my defense Ron handled all the finances up until a few years ago but I need to figure things out quick.  I have never had anything cut off or go to collections so I am winning on some fronts.  

And some of this goes back to the brain damage.  Prefrontal lobe damage and finances aren't a good mix.  But I can do better.

It is just deeply humiliating doing a post mortem and trying to figure out where to go from here.

On a positive note, I have a home for Oscar, the abused orange cat.  A lady at work will take him.

That's it for now.  I am also battling some depression.  

I am having some very difficult discussions

 About money lately.  It is humbling and I could use some work on being humble and admitting mistakes.  Working on that.

At any rate work is going OK.  I had half my snack on my break just now.  It was good.

The rain has apparently gone elsewhere.  So I don't have to worry about that later I hope 

So far dry on my way to work

 I have been tripping over various things the last couple weeks.  Just "unlucky" "spiritual warfare" whatever you want to call it, and pulling a muscle in my leg.  It gets better, there I go again.  I am having a full workup in a few weeks. 

I have noticed it is much stiffer when I eat gluten and easier to get around when I am eating more keto.

So I will be eating more keto 

This is very sad but not my cats

 I have watched a black cat and an orange cat live in a neighbor's garage.  For some reason the neighbor won't put the door down all the way so the cats hang out in there.  So 2 of them were living in there; the men who live there are very angry about that and I have seen them hurting the cats.  

The orange cat has been very friendly with me, rubbing up against my leg and greeting me.  

A couple months ago the black one was run over, I saw the body on my way to work one day.  The men wouldn't even put the body in a trash can and the buzzards got it.  

Biscuit has been doing Mortal Battle with another cat coming around the cat door lately.  It happened this morning.  I opened the curtain and it was the poor orange baby trying to get in.  It's about 9 months old, skinny, "ticked tabby" orange, mostly orange.  80% chance it is a boy.  

All my cats are very upset so he's not coming to live with me, but it hurts my heart that this poor boy (?) wants to.  

I told my family about this, figured they could pray for me to be strong and someone else to have mercy on this cat.  Side note, I didn't get Spotty fixed (finances) until he was almost a year old so they could be related (grandson or great grandson).  Dad was pretty upset I think he thought I wanted it.  I don't, I just want it to have a good home, but I can't even trap it because my cats run it off the second they see it.  I have a bad feeling it won't have a good end.  

It's sad.  

I have a bad headache today probably due to severe weather coming in tonight/tomorrow.  

That's it for now.  

Handout update!

 I had done up my cart on Thursday so all I had to do today was roll it to the bus stop. It was pretty heavy with 50 whole Bibles on it, 25 of each, plus my tote bag which had additional Bibles and my candy bag with tracts done up with candy.

Final total today: 47 whole Bibles, one New Testament, 3 Scripture booklets, 4 tracts in bags of candy. I had done up the Bibles with personal notes letting the recipients know, in English or Spanish depending, that I would be praying daily. My Spanish coworker who is a very good bilingual said it was "very good" so I am confident about that.

Yo estoy orando por ti diariamente!

So I got there and it was already a little warm and I had brought my jacket. I put the jacket in the cart and took out the English milk crate full of Bibles. I left the Spanish in the cart but it was easy to get them and I used them up first.

Whatever you want to say about the immigration crisis, when Spanish speakers get here they are looking for a Bible! And I had them! I had one guy wanted a Bible and the light had changed, he didn't care, he angled his car across 3 lanes of a very busy street (Antoine) so he could get it!

I had two cars where young Spanish speaking women had stopped the car dead in the street to get Bibles, which of course I gave them. They were thrilled to hear I had Spanish.

I had one sweet lady about my age. She had her window down and I approached, smiling, because she was grinning at me. "You're back again, sweetie? Yes, I'll take one." She was not the first recipient I've had to drive past me repeatedly before she took a Bible. One man, years ago, told me he had driven past me "All up and down Antoine" for years before "Today's the day!" and he took the Bible!

I had a member of the Brown Berets socialist group tell me I had to lay aside my religious beliefs and join the movement. I figured I was probably an oppressor being a homeowner so I passed, but he did take a Bible and I encouraged him to read 2 Timothy Chaper 3 as he kept going on about the terrible state of the world. I thought it might encourage him to read this was prophesied 2000 years ago.

The weather was perfect, sunny, light breeze, low to mid 70's so a lot of people had their windows down. That gave me an opportunity to give away more Bibles.

I had one young Latina lady say she was a teacher and she would "take anything (I) got" so I gave her a couple each Spanish and English Bibles. I had lots of people wanted 2 Bibles, thinking about it. I had one car with two older, cynical, black guys but they took 2, one each, and gaped at me when I solemnly told them I would pray for them every day "That's sacred!" I told as many as possible that I would, but I also had the notes in each Bible. I gave away all 25 of the Spanish pretty quick and only had 3 English left when I finished. I left the sign on the cart but I didn't hand out any more whole Bibles.

I went by the taco truck (3 Scripture booklets) and the grocery store (1 New Testament she was very excited about it), and also handed out 4 bags of candy including one with a tract on drug addiction and freedom from it, to another passenger at the bus stop.

I had a lot of troubles getting from the venue to the grocery store (took about an hour and a half not counting the 20 minute bus ride) but other than that it was easy!

Thank you so much for praying for the recipients!

Lunch update

 An 81 year old lady was murdered near where I plan to do my Handout tomorrow.  Shot in her apartment.  

I don't think I am in any danger though.  

We had a case with a baby boy found on someone's doorstep they have found the family.  Sounds like an overwhelmed caregiver to me.

I ate some cheese and a couple hard boiled eggs for lunch that was pretty good.  

Less than 3 hours to go.  That boss was there but she is supposed to leave at 8.  We will see.  I plan to buy a little cheese before I go home.  

That's it for now.  

News I didn't need

 One of the greeters at my store, disabled man, was assaulted by a homeless man at the bus stop and had to go to the hospital.  He said he was on the phone when it happened.

I never use my phone at the bus stop and I do carry the big stick, I am also vigilant looking around and I don't let anyone stand near me.  But it is disturbing this man is obviously disabled.  

He said they did catch the guy so there is that.

I think I mentioned that awful Chick tracts I saw online about the toddler beaten to death.  Someone left it in the break room and I threw it out.  Someone at the store lost a toddler to domestic violence last year and that's the last thing they need to see.  Also, it would blow back on me as I am open about my faith, offering to pray for people, etc.  I'm not losing my job over this.  It is known I hand out material and a WMP Scripture Booklet looks a lot like a Chick tracts, but I would not hand out Gospel material at work unless someone asked for a Bible, for instance.

Nope nope nope.  I don't feel at ALL bad about that.  

It has already been a crazy day and I haven't even clocked in!  

We had some severe weather after all

 Two big storms came through hours apart; first one had the usual severe thunderstorm, wind, heavy rain, then hail.  I was freaking out thinking about the 10 windows on the house and my high insurance deductible.  I was praying not just to God but to "Abba Father" so I guess in Hebrew too?  Anyway no damage that I know of.  

Second storm I was in bed with the cats and it blew through, a lot of lightning, wind, heavy rain, I took my electronics off the outlets in case of a power spike.  

I will get a good look at the outside of the house when I leave for work but the inside is OK.  I got up at 7 it was nice to have a good rest.  I am kind of stiff lately I really need to get back on Keto, I am sure the inflammation stems from eating wheat and other processed grains.  I took a couple of Naproxyn.  

Today will be interesting for reasons I can't talk about.  Mainly just embarrassed to share the details so I won't, it's a money thing.  

I am packing a keto lunch today.  That's it for now.  

Edit; as near as I can tell I lost a dead branch off my tree and my plastic lawn chair blew over into the garden bed.  No damage done.  

I did up Bibles for a Handout this weekend

 And I found out my time off request was approved for May.  I only asked (as requested by the Big Boss) for 2 days and that's all I did.  They were my "customary" days off but I didn't want to take a chance as I have 7-day availability.  I don't believe in luck but I didn't want to pull two, 9 hour shifts when Dad was here, have to call in, get resentment from coworkers and boss, etc.  

I am still figuring out dinner.  For a change, I can get up later tomorrow as I start work at 2 and not 9.  That's sleeping in an additional 4-5 hours.  

The rain stopped.  I asked God for please no severe weather and that's what we got, a nice gentle rain for several hours.  The trees and reservoirs will appreciate it, no drama.  

I think I am going to have cereal.  That's it for now.  

Some places I've lived.

 My first home was a one story three bedroom home with a basement.  For some reason they put my younger brother in the master (with half bath) and Dad and Mom slept in a small guest room off on the west side of the house because he didn't like the sunlight.  I had the last bedroom and my step brother and sister had to sleep in rooms Dad built (they were OK but not "real" rooms) in the basement.  

If there was a Cinderella in my story it was probably my stepsister.  She didn't have it easy.  We all had to share one bathroom too.  I remember hearing the water run through the pipes at night as my stepbrother and sister took their showers at night.  It was a very soothing sound to me.  

Second house was much bigger; five bedroom, 3 bath.  I shared a bathroom with my two brothers and my stepsister finally had her own bathroom.  She had the mother in law suite on the first floor.  Mom and Dad got their own master bath, too.  

My first place with Ron was a dump; a converted garage apartment with the garage door on it to fool the housing inspector, a large floor drain (Ron used to tell me the really scary things were too big to get out of the drain!), and plumbing issues.  It basically had no kitchen, an elderly fridge and a hose coming out of the wall into a plastic bucket that was supposed to be the kitchen sink.  But I was young and in love.  

My first real apartment was great in a lot of ways, it had an abundance of closets and a very nice bedroom closet that had shelves.  It has a front entry coat closet as well I used as a linen closet.  The bathroom had mold issues due to a leaky pipe in the ceiling above the shower, it was the overflow valve on the tub; when she took a bath (upstairs neighbor) the water would slosh out into the drain pipe and drip through my ceiling.  Mold everywhere it was pretty bad and probably responsible for some lingering issues I have today.  

First apartment in Houston was in a nice complex, in a bad area, with very strict rules to keep it nice.  They had a convenience store on site I used to buy a snickers bar and a soda every day on my way to work.  I had a walk in closet, a nice brick wall in the front room,  a huge bedroom, nice little kitchen, big windows.  All bills paid too.  

Next apartment was in an even worse area it was nice inside though.  It had a fireplace and a balcony, good layout on the rooms, good size kitchen.  It was on the third floor.

The duplex we lived in a year before Ron's accident and a year after, first floor, pervert neighbor used to try to look in my bedroom window at night.  I found out later he was a sex offender.  Praise God I didn't get raped.  It was the biggest place we stayed, a two bedroom, two sinks in the bathroom, a linen closet in the bathroom, a walk in closet the size of a room, Ron had his own room which he liked.  Really awful neighborhood, the neighborhood policeman almost crapped himself when he saw me out running one afternoon, told me to go home and check the sex offender registry.  I did and we moved, it was that bad.  

Then the house, big yard, small house.  2 bedrooms.  Works for me, I've been here nearly 20 years.  Tiny kitchen though.  

I got the ball rolling

 So I had a pretty quiet morning, had a headache so I only did my God Time and had some serious lap time 

Then I made some calls.  I started with the Health Department as I think the issue of human waste all over the ground is a health department matter.  They took the call and suggested I call the bus company as well; which I did.  

Everyone was completely revolted and I am very sorry about that but they took the call, referred me to complaint (the first call to Metro bus I just said "Homeless people are 'messing up' the bus stop" without detailing how, he kicked me to complaint line where the poor man heard my statement, took a complaint, referred me to Metro Police.  I was not expecting that.  

However now that it is on file I think I will see some action.  If I don't I will keep making phone calls and worst case this is the kind of thing the local "consumer advocate" reporter on the TV station would love to hear.  

The worst thing I said was "My cat has better manners" during the phone calls, all 4 of them (I only said it once).  So hopefully I won't have to watch my step over there anymore.  It helped I had the bus stop number and address.  

I tell you, going over there after a long day at work is just awful, and then that nasty drunk man just laying there coughing up a lung (he smokes small hand rolled things that do not smell like weed), piles of crap everywhere, Tijuana slums are better than that (I spent a total of 6 weeks in TJ slums doing mission work, as a teen).  

Anyway the headache is gone thank God.  It is raining enough I'm glad I didn't have to ride the bus and it should help clean up my bus stops.  

I just work tomorrow and have 2 days off, I plan to do a Bible Handout if I can.  

I really had some excellent lap time with Biscuit, a nice amount with Spotty, and Cleo put her front legs in my lap while standing on the arm of my chair, that's her version of "lap".  As a former feral many common things are very scary for her, like me standing up or moving suddenly.  Also clothes, clothes are terrifying to her, but that's OK she loves me and lets me know in her way.  And I have the boys if I want lap time, hugs, or kisses.  With Cleo I will kiss my fingertips and put it on her head.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch!

 I am moderately tired and depressed but I will make it.  They put onions on my burger and I was too tired to go back and complain.  Besides, onions are good for the immune system.  I just hope I'm not burping them all night.

After lunch I have the zone (making grocery look good) and 1 hour of my regular job before I go back home.  

Tomorrow will be rain.  

I am glad I put more money on my Q (bus fare) card but I will do it online from now on.  I don't want to have my wallet out flashing cash around on the routes I take.

That's it for now!  

At work

 I got the address of the bus stop and the number of the health department.  I am going to call and sic them on this problem.  It is a public health problem.  We will see if they agree.

It seems quiet today we will see.  

That's it for now.  

On my way to work

 Bus card only had $5 value so I wanted to put a $20 on it.  I had it in my wallet but there was a homeless man leaning on the he fare box looking gacked out so I had to wait until he got off at the end of the line 

And a homeless man with a fairly large dog just got on this bus.  The dog seems OK though but it is clearly a pet.  They use the dog to elicit sympathy and more donations, also to guard their stuff.  The animals are not vetted or vaccinated of course.

I hope the rest of the day is easier.

Not sure if I will need the headache pill

 But I made it to work.

Once a week, I take $1 to the gas station and have the guy pick me a lotto ticket.  The kind where they have the draw not the scratch off.  We have a lot of fun with it and I always tell him he will share in my winnings.  And I mean it.  Yes, I know he is supposed to get some anyway.  I have my doubts.  Anyway it is fun.  

He said the one he picked is up to $200k.  I will carry the ticket around for a few days before I check it.

I am prone to any sort of addiction so I have a strict $1 a week policy 

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning commute

 I am sleeping better off the allergy pills.  I do have Mr Kitty Cat sleeping on me at night.  He is so cute.

Pretty uneventful getting out the door but my last bus has an overpowering stench of pine trees.  I just hope I don't get a migraine!  

Ron had really bad taste in male friends

 One admitted he led a gang rape.  

One stood up at our wedding as best man and then tried to talk me into cheating a year later.  He was always borrowing money and refusing to pay it back.  So Ron started paying him for rides rather than lose all that money.  He stopped calling when the money dried up and sent me a sarcastic text message days after I told him Ron died.  I am pretty sure I saw that man today.  

I didn't say anything and made a point of avoiding him.  I didn't want to play plastic games.  

Ugh.  Bad memories.  

If you want a loathsome character

 I will do a blog on him later.  Suffice to say I saw the man my husband considered his best friend in the store.  He did not recognize me and I didn't say anything.  But that was unpleasant.  A lot of bad memories.

More later.

I weighed my options

 Probability of getting a lunch at 6, slim.  So I asked for and got my lunch 2 hours in.  I can sacrifice a break if it doesn't work out but I'm required by law to take a lunch 

I ran into a Postal Worker who asked me how Ron was doing.  I told the guy Ron died and he said "Oh yeah I heard" 

I don't think I'll ever be done with that.  

We had the nice boss today which was refreshing.  I worked with someone I consider a friend but she is a vicious gossip.  I shudder to think what she says about me behind my back and I'm sure she's talking.  She had a lot to say about the one boss I won't repeat.

I am debating cutting my hair short.  Adoptive Mom is concerned it may look bad as it's thin on top 

I'm going to do a post tomorrow

 "What happens to scoffers". I think it is needed 

Got to work OK.  It is busy of course.  Lots of bats on the Crazy Train.  People macing the whole bus with perfume - Lysol I could understand but perfume just gives everyone a headache.  People having conversations with "no one" swatting at invisible flies, etc.  I just put on my headphones and looked out the window.

Hopefully the day will go better from here.

Sunday morning

 To the comment about Ron, how is a blind man supposed to verify his girlfriend's age?  I lied and told him I was 18.  He couldn't exactly look at my birth certificate or ID card.  I didn't even have an ID card at the time.  

Anyway I did not sleep well I think it is the allergy pill, as I did not use much caffeine yesterday.  I am up now and ready to go.  

I just work 1-8 and that boss should have the day off.  I packed a lunch with some favorites.  I brought an assortment of cheese.  

I decided I was not ready to figure out low carb snacks at this point so I bought one of those assorted packs of one ounce chips, and a pack of granola bars that do not have peanut flour in them.  The Nature Valley brand, and the Great Value, do, and that causes Big Time Headaches for me.  But one without any peanuts should be OK.  

I just realized I will be taking the bus I normally take to church.  That is sad.  

That's it for now, updates from work.  I'll take prayer for the recipients and for me to have an uneventful day.