I'm starting to wonder about this headache

 It won't quit but I am able to work.  

This morning I was walking down the street to my bus stop and two dogs came out of nowhere chasing me.  They were really ugly dogs, looked like a Chihuahua-Rottweiler mix.  Nasty creatures.  They didn't bite but they made sure I knew they didn't like me.  I didn't run but they followed me a ways.

Then I almost got run over by a pickup while crossing the street, he failed to understand the pedestrian has the right of way.  

And it was raining!  But I'm still going to have a good day.  

It was raining as well.  

The headache that won't quit

 As it turns out it would have been too windy for a Bible Handout anyway.  

I went to the grocery store and came home; that's it.  They were out of candy so I was glad I got the extra bag last week.  Maybe Cinco De Mayo pinatas?  I don't know.  

I had the same driver twice, he was having a rough day, wheelchairs, people acting up on the bus (he had to call the police on the latter).  The lady in a wheelchair seemed nice enough but when he's running late that takes more time out of his day to fold up the seats, unfold the ramp, get her on, secure her, do the whole thing in reverse when she leaves.  

Her friend had one of those fold up rolling wagons for the groceries so they obviously planned to spend a lot of money.  Admittedly at this store I spent $50 and got a whole basket full, I was pretty happy.  

The cats have been good and I had enough stamina to do my God Time when I got up.  

That's it for now.  

Headache is a little better

 But I am wiped out.  

I just want to go to bed.  

I still have 2 hours when I get back.  

I woke up with a dreadful migraine

 I am not sure if it is the weather or the fried chicken I had for dinner last night.

I managed to beat it back with a Phenergan.  I will have to ask for more.

I was falling asleep on the bus, though.  I saw my boss out on the floor working so she goes home before I do.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to work!

 It is my long day but I can get a good night of sleep.  I had a good morning with the cats.  Cleo has a little bald spot on her chin; I need to see if I have some advantage, check her for fleas, treat her.  She is very skittish so this should be fun but I don't want her itching.  

If I don't have Advantage I can buy it.  

The morning news is awash with a story: car broke down on the freeway, he got out and attempted to cross lanes of traffic, hit repeatedly, freeway is shut down in both directions.  

If your car breaks down on the freeway call for help and put your hazards on if possible.  Don't get out.  This is the second story I've heard something like this happened.  

Surprisingly it doesn't bring up Ron's accident.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch!

 Getting a ride home!  2 hours of my life back I plan to take a nap! 

2020 taught me a brutal lesson in what I share online

 So I will just say we had some drama at work last night before I left.  My boss stepped up and made order out of chaos and impressed the hell out of me.  I was happy to escape when I did 

I also realized I need to carry cab fare in my wallet so I am doing that now.

I got paid today.  I bought some evangelism things that cost a total of $8.

I don't know who works when but the morning people seem very relaxed.  That is encouraging.

I should have a ride home today, that will be awesome if it works out.  

Tomorrow is my long day.

My sleep continues to be very poor but I'm functioning.  That's it for now.  

Work has been going OK

 I am tired and not looking forward to the ride home.

The friend who gave me the cat scratcher has something else for me; will drive me home tomorrow and drop it off.  So no bus ride 

Today, though, is another matter.  Times like this I still wish I was doing the diet soda, I could use the caffeine.

But I do find it helpful to lie down for half an hour when I get home so I am going to think about that.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

 I slept poorly last night, six and a half hours with one hour awake.  Oscar the Tomcat came by again, howling at the back door.  Biscuit didn't get up, he was too busy hogging half my blankets so I was cold all night too.

I did turn up he heater to 74 before I took my shower and then back down to 70 before I left.  

I promised myself an iced coffee if I went to work.  I got a Java Monster Salted Caramel for $2.50.  It wasn't very good   I should have gone to McDonald's.

My rides were uneventful.  The second driver has tomorrow off.  My first driver has enough seniority he doesn't work weekends.  The third driver is a sweet young lady I am very fond of her.

I had a thought, riding down the road, that I shared with her when I got off.  "You pick us up in the dark, and take us to the light". And then I thanked her and got off.

Bus driver: NOT an easy job!  

My boss will be in today, likely for my whole shift.  It is her Monday.

That's it for now!  

Monday went OK

 Long, though.  I had to run by the bank after work and get the bank statements.  All new drivers coming home; more evangelism.  

When I got by my transfer point to come home some drivers were actively avoiding me which I found funny.

On bus now; more later 

I am trying to cut back on the gossip

 I have lived next to #6 for 20 years.  Overall they are very quiet, no fights, as a rule no loud music.  Unless they are having a party then it is yelling and loud music all night.  Especially Christmas eve although they did stop that one in 2020 for COVID.  

Every few years they get a small dog, keep it for a few to several months, get rid of it, get another dog a few years later.  Biscuit and Gravy used to go next door and play with "Luna".  It was really cute to watch.  Their first home must have had a small dog.  

One night only he hired a mariachi band.  Ron and I figured he made some sort of mistake and hired them to apologize, but he never did it again.  

So, overall, quiet, butthead party animals when they have a party but OK as a neighbor.  (I am focusing on the noise issues right now).  

Last night I heard him outside.  He was ENRAGED bellowing in Spanish.  I have never heard him that angry ever.  I heard another voice, I think one of the kids, whine/yell/crying back at him.  I think it was about the dog but the only thing I got was "su hermano" which means "your brother".  

I have never, ever, heard him that angry.  You know my life with Ron; I never even heard Ron that angry.  I didn't think it merited calling the police, after all he was just yelling, he has 6 teenagers and a wife in a small house.  

I don't know what happened but I did hear the dog this morning.  I thought maybe the dog peed on something, or chewed it.  I guess not.  

I don't mind the dog, actually, she (?) keeps the cats amused.  

I was very embarrassed last night (gossiping about myself).  When I took my business/accounting classes in the late 90's I had a solid 3.2 average.  I was a master at making an Excel Spreadsheet, a Powerpoint, etc.  

When Ron came to Texas he did not know Excel, I taught him myself, well enough that he wrote his own spreadsheets for the business and kept the books for 18 years.  I was pretty proud of myself.  

And I forgot all of it.  I couldn't remember =SUM to save my life and could not get the formulas to work, Dad's wanting spreadsheets and I had to manually crunch the numbers and then input.  

I figured out enough today that I was able to get the spreadsheets in accessible form.  So I'm happy.  

Sunday morning

 Friday night was quiet, no cats trying to get in.  I didn't sleep very well.  Maybe I just never will.  

I was thinking today I definitely have PTSD from the various events the last 30 years and probably my early childhood too.  A customer remarked on the number of snacks in my vest pocket when I was looking for a pen the other day.  I always carry snacks because I might get hungry.  

I got up, took my shower.  It was warm and humid so I shaved my legs and got dressed in my cargo shorts and a t shirt.  Sneakers of course, plenty of walking.  

I did my God Time and headed out.  I had my "junior" cart with me.  I have 3, an L shaped cart rated to 150 pounds, and badly dented from an attempt to load 3-4 cases on the bus going to a Bible Handout last year.  So that's out of rotation.  

I have my primary cart, it is rated to 75 pounds and I use it on Bible Handouts.  I try to save it for them and got another, smaller, (rated to 55 pounds) cart that collapses easily which makes it great for the bus.  

I was very embarrassed, and a cashier very disappointed, yesterday.  I ran out of candy.  So I bought 2 bags.  

I had 2 gallons of milk (I drink a lot), a block of cheese, other groceries, 18 pounds of candy.  I headed out and to the bus stop, it was hard pulling the cart.  

I had a very friendly bus driver who was thrilled to see I brought him a snack.  

I got off the bus and realized one of the wheels on my cart was splayed and bending outward.  I realized I was probably over the 55 pound limit.  I thought about it.  I didn't want to leave a broken cart by the side of the road and go to my house, come back with another cart.  

What was the heaviest item in the cart?  The candy.  So I took out one (huge) sack and carried it in my left arm like a baby as I pulled the cart with my other hand.  

I found this lying in the road.  In my neighborhood.  I will let you make your own conclusion on that.  

My friends say it is probably a .380 or a 9 mm.  They say it was probably ejected when someone racked the slide?  If I understood correctly.  

With my history they are not going to let me have a gun.  Which was OK.  

I was assaulted and robbed in my neighborhood, at the bus stop.  2009.  

Someone kicked in my front door and robbed the house when we were mailing Christmas presents, back in 2012.  I found a crack pipe by the side of the road, near my bus stop, a while back, too.  I know what they look like from my time in CA.  

I have problems in my neighborhood.  You know where I don't have problems?  In the ghetto, where I do my Bible Handouts.  I find that ironic.  

I did have creepy gang members standing right next to me when I was distributing in Greenspoint last summer, they were checking to make sure I was not "slipping" (selling on their territory).  

The worst problem I had on a Handout, ever, was last June when I fell and broke my finger, bleeding abrasions everywhere.  I went in the gas station and asked if I could use the bathroom to clean up.  He said no.  So I bought a bottle of water, went outside, and cleaned up.  I am OK with that though because I handed out 7 Bibles that would not have been distributed if I remained unhurt.  

If I'd had some cash, and my insurance, I would have gone to the nearby urgent care but I didn't.  So I went home and doctored it and it works well enough for me now.  I do have a scar on my knee but I never look at my knees anyway.  

And when I was getting up off the ground and saw I was bleeding I thought "How many American evangelists get to say they actually shed blood for the Gospel?"  

I spent the rest of the day working on forensic accounting as requested by my Dad.  Work snacks and drinks are eating me alive.  I got last year done and this month.  I just need to put this month into the spreadsheet.  

That's it for now.  

I can tell the economy is bad

 By the amount of families with a shopping cart full of ramen noodles and very little real food.  It is getting worse.  

I have to say Food Town had the most amazing selection of cup of noodles flavors, though.  

Friday night crazy

 So the other girl didn't do her work.  I got to play catch up with that.  

One of the bosses called and told me I had to do 2 other jobs in addition to my usual stuff.  I just said yes ma'am and will give it an effort.  

The challenging boss was off tonight which is good.  I am literally the only English speaker on the team at present, if a customer has a question they bring them to me.  I find that funny.  

My favorite coworker just told me she quit so that sucks as well, but I can't blame her.  

The bosses are off tonight, we're working on a skeleton crew, and they're dumping more work on us.  

I am trying not to let the drama get to me.  That's it for now.  

Interesting ride to work

 I knew it was trouble when I saw the white woman with the luggage at the transit center.  In my experience the white passenger falls into a couple of categories:  the addicted homeless, the mentally ill, the disabled.  You just don't see "normal" whites on my route so I go on alert when I see them 

Sure enough she pitched a fit on the bus screaming racist profanity and making very derogatory remarks about black people.  

The older black man and I on the bus had been chatting, mainly him bitching about the high cost of living.  We continued it with me cheerfully relating the tale of Biscuit as he laughed.  She didn't like that much but shut up.  Unfortunately she got off at the store so I may see her later 

Then there was the drunk white woman in a dress staggering as she moved around the bus, but she didn't fall.  

The bus got crowded.  I was sitting in one seat with my bag in another seat which I have done a good 10 years since I sat with a very creepy white (!) man who put his hand on my knee - intentionally - and called me "Little Heather". I couldn't get off that bus fast enough.  

So this greasy obese woman gets on and is standing over me on the bus.  I ignored her.  She poked me rudely and said "You need to move your bag". She was not clean and she would have spilled over into my seat.  She was not disabled either. 

I said "No I don't" and put my headphones back.  She went and sat with a black lady telling her "I am so much better than other people from Guatemala because I don't have Indian blood" so she was a racist too.

There was a guy on the bus with one leg completely wrapped up in clean bandages and the other leg covered with fresh road rash like Ron had after his accident.  I am guessing a motorcycle wreck?  I gave him my stick and he was happy to get it.  Poor guy that is going to be a painful few months.  

Now I'm at work.  That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 So I made it and came home.  

After work I wanted to pick up a TV dinner and I was looking at the low cost ones.  I saw the Michelinas Fettuccine Alfredo and that took me back to Baby Girl.  

Ron found Baby Girl and she was always his cat until the Alzheimer's really kicked in, then she was a lost and baffled cat wondering what was happening to Daddy.  It was very sad to watch, even sadder than watching Ron.  She started sleeping at the foot of his bed instead of by his head, and just gave up after he died.  

But one good memory she always loved that Alfredo sauce.  I would eat the noodles and leave a couple tablespoons of sauce in there.   Normally I salt my food but I did not salt this, and she would lick it up every time.  

I only call a cat if I have a treat for them so when I called her she knew it was alfredo sauce and she would come running, once Ron was giving her treats and she left.  

So that was a good, albeit sad, memory.  She was so devoted to him.  

Speaking of cats Oscar the orange tom has been coming by every night having dialogues with Biscuit.  Wakes me up.  Last night he got in the house and Biscuit opened up a can of whoop ass on him, or as I told Jack in a text "Went OG on him".  So Oscar wanted out but couldn't remember how he got in, he was trying to climb the walls, the curtains, went on the dresser, a wild cat.  I turned on light and let him calm down a little, then opened the sliding glass door and he ran out.  

I went back to bed with Biscuit, and told him "Oscar won't be back" and I have been reassuring Biscuit all day that I'm not bringing any cats home, if he meets a friend and wants to bring him home that's one thing but other than that is just our 3.  

All the cats wanted a little extra reassurance today so I did my best to provide it.  

I have also decided to start sending encouraging texts to people I know who are struggling, and do that daily.  I think it is important and they really seem to appreciate it.  

That's it for now.  

Lunch again

 Nice boss was there to start and then she came in at 2.  She is not in a good mood.  

She took me off my primary job to do busywork which is a mistake.  We don't have enough staff to do that.  

I am tired, moderately depressed, and battling a headache debating if I want to take Excedrin. 

That's it for now.  

I was beat last night when I got home

 And I did not sleep well either.  I set up my box fan at the foot of the bed, it provided some nice air while allowing me to keep my beloved blanket.

I think the cats were afraid of it.  

I got to work OK, handed out 10 bags of candy on the way.  I only work 6.5 hours today but they will be busy.  

I had a big meal before work it will be interesting to see how long it lasts.  

That's it for now.  

I made it to lunch

 I found it telling all the managers are here when they cut payroll.  One of my coworkers was on the phone with his bank asking how much he can overdraw his account before they shut it down.  

My hours were increased actually but I have not said that.  A couple of my coworkers are sick but still working.

Lots of people complaining about high prices and asking for clearance items.  Maybe they will remember this on election day.

Also a lot of well-dressed, Spanish speaking customers who are demanding service in Spanish only, even from people who are clearly not fluent, getting a real attitude.  I don't like them much.  I don't know if they are the migrants or not no way to tell.  I have encountered a few today.  

Jefa (boss lady I think I will call her that here) came in at 2, seems OK with me so that's good but I'm always on edge.

I am very tired.  No caffeine.  I am not sleeping well either.  

But I get to sleep an hour later tomorrow.  That's it for now.  

I thought it was cute

 Not the JWs at the transit center (ack) but one of my drivers.  I was going around to the buses and giving them candy.  One of them said "What happened I looked for you this morning" and I told her they changed my hours.  But I thought it was really cute she was looking.  She is not one of my regular drivers.  

Mom has COVID she got it at Bible study of all places.  She is pretty miserable but staying home.  Dad is not sick and I hope he stays that way; he just got over pneumonia.  They do have the majority of the care package I sent Dad when sick so they can use that.  

I ended up at work way before I planned but I would rather be early than late.  One of the associates on my team is sick and will probably go home early.  I don't know the team lead yet.  

I haven't had any diet soda all week I am very happy about that.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch

 It was a very disappointing cup of noodles.  I thought it would be better than the regular kind.  Nope.  I won't buy it again.

Boss has been really stressed today I can't say why 

I am tired and feeling cheated of a good meal.

But I am making some good money this week with all my hours.  

That's it for now.

Tuesday morning

 So I got to work and did some research.  I am currently drinking Gatorade zero or Crystal Light type drink mix instead of the soda.  

I have not been sleeping well for a long time and honestly expected that to improve as I got off the caffeine.  It turns out caffeine withdrawal can cause insomnia.  So who knows how long that will take.

I am deathly afraid of sleeping pills.  I'm not going that route assuming I could even get them.  

I think the anxiety is better, though.  

Graphic post I warned you

 I have always had trouble with my elimination being, ah, slow.  

Very rarely I would have a 911 emergency attack and need to seek a bathroom.  Ron was incredibly hateful about that.  

I also had a lot of unexplainable abdominal pain I believe was a conversion disorder - my mental illness manifesting tangible physical symptoms.  That all went away with medication.

As Ron declined he developed IBS to the point he required a diaper.  I was always kind to him even though once or twice I wanted to dish back a few things he had said to me.  I did not.

When I started on the lithium doc said I would have diarrhea but I never did unless I had food poisoning.  It was the same old usual.  

On a good day, I take care of business before I leave the house in the morning.  I had been backed up the last couple days not eating much so I was happy to deal with that before I left.  

I take 3 buses to work.  On the second bus I realized I needed to go again, with some urgency, but my routes all go through blighted areas frequented by the homeless.  

Today I have a purple backpack and my blue flowered evangelism bag.  2 bags.  And my stick.  I realized, to my horror, NO ONES GOING TO LET ME USE THE BATHROOM.  As far as they know I am another gacked out homeless going to ruin the bathroom.  

So I held it all the way to work.  It was a struggle but I made it.  I was so happy to see that toilet.  

Why am I having this today I couldn't say.  But it was a hell of a start 

Work has been crazy

 I have been OK.  

Walmart radio keeps saying we (the corporation) was selected as one of the 100 best companies to work for.  

I am speechless.  

What are the worst companies?  

I think I can get away with that.  

Sunday afternoon

 I decided I was already on the road to detox from caffeine and the diet soda, I would not buy any more soda at the store when I went today.  

(I also suspect my stomach issues are related to the soda)

And I didn't, for me, that is huge.  I paid all my bills online and then I took a Uber to the store.  I didn't want to run across two streets and take 2 buses to get there, lugging my hand cart.  That's a lot of work.  It was mainly the running across the street part that I couldn't do.  

I am fairly recovered but not enough for that.  

So I went ahead and looked at the Uber app to see what it would run.  I was I believe a platinum member back several years ago when Ron was alive, during COVID, I was taking them to and from work every day.  They have been wooing me off and on for years and apparently I got some sort of promotional thing half off today.  So I took it, a nice man named Josh.  

The store was mayhem and I was about maxed out but I got what I came for.  

I took some time arranging things in my cart.  Today the bus driver got a bottle of generic brand orange soda (she looked happy to get it), a 50 cent bag of nuts, the usual candy + evangelism, and a snack sized bag of nacho chips.  I like to get my driver a little "lunch" (it was that time) when I go to the grocery store and it only cost a few dollars.  

Oddly enough I am not queasy anymore.  But I don't want to test myself.  I would not have thought vomiting for a day straight would "fix" my stomach but it did - and I was down to the acid.  It was awful; but I do feel better now.  

So I figured I was a whole day off caffeine and diet soda, why not keep it up?  Well the headache kept getting worse today until I ate and had some Excedrin, so I will have to taper on the caffeine, but I am still not drinking the diet soda.  

I am not crazy about the term "addictive personality" (I know some of you are laughing at me, here, and it's fine) but I am.  I am an on or off person, I am not really a "moderation" person which is why I have been so, so, careful in my choices.  I never smoked, don't drink, avoid narcotics even when I had a gallbladder attack, etc.  

So once I get "off" the diet soda I just need to stay "off".  Especially when I am stressed out at work.  That's where I fall.  

And, the nausea is back.  Ugh.  

Oh that was a terrible day

 Migraine.  I started vomiting after I got home, I was retching down to my toenails.  It was ghastly.  I didn't have much in me anyway but it's all gone.  I lost 5 pounds.  

A day and night of misery.  Now I have to figure out how to get all my chores/errands done while still feeling like crap.  

That's it for now.  

A change of plans

 Last night wasn't too bad, it was busy though.  And we had another "Karen" who thought the rules applied to everyone but her, and wanted to see the manager.  

She got my "mean" boss who was VERY firm she was not getting anything.  Good.  I was pretty queasy all night and went to bed early after talking to my Dad.  

I slept horribly, developed a nasty headache, woke up and vomited (so it's a migraine I guess) and while in the bathroom discovered a small, terrified, bird.  

The cats must have caught him.  They tend to have the catch and bring home policy instead of eating it outside like Cleo (a former feral) does.  So I've got what I think is a white crowned sparrow flying around my bathroom and cheeping.  He landed on my shoulder at one point.  He's cute but dumb as a rock; I have a window open for him.  I shut the bathroom door.  I figure eventually he will fly out.  

I would rather have a live bird than a mutilated corpse.  Those are always so sad unless it is a rodent.  

I guess I'm going to lay down again.  That's it for now.  

Queasy again

 It seems like anything beyond a small snack sets me off.  

I skipped my break today.  A lot of associates believe in the smelly fish dinner Friday nights and I would have thrown up.  

Happily I don't smell anyone's food on my lunch.  When I go back I have 2 hours 

About a year ago it was apparent a woman in my department was being groomed for management.  She asked my opinion, I told her not to do it.  She did.  They fired her this week.  She looked so defeated walking out.  

I had 20 years of management no thanks.  I deliberately failed my management assessment when I applied so they don't consider me viable.

I signed an NDA saying I wouldn't post anything unflattering about the company but this is ANY job.  

I did eat some breakfast biscuits just now.  Ron was always a big fan of eating nausea away.  He worried my stomach acid would build up and irritate me further.  

It will be interesting to get a medical opinion tomorrow.  That's it for now.  

I had some fun with my boss

 I brought in an empty cat carrier for a friend.  My boss saw it and thought I brought my cat!  I teased her a little and said he was my support animal.  The look on her face!  

Then I told her it was empty and my cat was at home in bed where he belonged.  She breathed a huge sigh of relief.  

Rewarding bad behavior

 I have been really busy with work the last couple days but it has been going OK.  They have slashed payroll down to the bone and my boss is having a hard time getting it all done with a skeleton crew.  

Years ago, I probably would have told you what I do for a living; that was before 2020 and the reports to adult protective services.  I realized you guys knowing too much can be big trouble (and I was cleared, the caseworker kept apologizing).  

So I will say my job has some customer contact and overall I love that.  I got a hug from a customer yesterday that was fun (a sweet old lady).  

But last night I had one of those customers.  She happened to be a thin, middle-aged, white lady about my age.  She was rich and it was apparent she was used to getting her way.  

She wanted something I couldn't give her.  She cursed me out, was very ugly to me, kept bothering me while I was trying to do my job, etc.  She wanted a manager.  I got her my manager (the "nice one" a no-nonsense black lady all the employees view as their ally) she came out and explained the rules.  The woman kept cursing and being ugly, went and got the store manager, who reversed the policy.  

MISTAKE.  Now this woman will feel like she can come in and break store policy whenever she wants, if she is ugly and hateful enough, is abusive to us, she will get what she wants.  Hence my blog title.  

I was able to steer clear and did just that.  I was literally hiding in a corner away from this woman she was so awful (I have never done that in 3 years).  

The good boss and I got off at the same time and she came up to me walking to the back and made some rough comments about women like that.  I said YES!  It was great and just what I needed to hear, validation that she was an awful person.  

I am trying not to swear here, I have been working on that.  But the comments made it all better as far as I was concerned.  

The rest of the day was fine, very busy.  That was good, it made the day go fast.  I still don't have much of an appetite and am down 4 pounds this week.  

I had a headache when I got up, so I took some pepto, Excedrin, my antidepressant, a multivitamin, and a granola bar.  Hopefully that all sits OK it is a long ride to work.  

I only work 2-9 today and then off 2 days.  Tomorrow I go get my checkup I have a feeling that will last a while.  Ace can get me in the morning but it will have to be a little early which is OK.  I would rather get there early.  

The cats are good.  I slept with them last night.  Still not sleeping great but I feel like I got enough rest.  

That's it for now.  

My friend was late

 But she got me.  She started at ,7 so she was a little late, I start at 9 so I was fine.  We did have time to buy her a nice cup of coffee.  

I am figuring out the budget.  Unfortunately I will need many rides next week including my trip to the doctor Saturday.  

Challenging boss will only interact with me an hour today.  

That's it for now.  

Enough is enough

 I will get into work later 

I went out to the bus stop and the homeless man with no shoes who defecates everywhere was back and feces smeared all over the floor of the bus stop.  

He was right there so I couldn't call the police but the bus company has a text number.  So I texted them and they said they were sending someone out.

I saw a great video

 On my phone at the transit center.  It's a collaboration between Christian artists: Lacrae, a rapper; For King and Country, two brothers who sing in a more contemporary Christian style; and Stryper, a Christian heavy metal band known for throwing Bibles into the mosh put during their concerts.  It was fantastic I will put up a link later 

I had an interesting encounter at the transit center.  A working guy (I could tell) came up to me after we got off the bus and had nothing but praise for the candy Handouts.  I gave him a bag and said these have New Testaments and he got really excited, kept saying I was doing important work, etc.  It was nice to hear but I won't let it go to my head.

I felt bad for my last driver she was clearly having a terrible day.  She likes to stop off at a gas station and get a little snack, clean bathroom, no time for that today.  I have such a burden for her I just want to hug her.  I did what I could.  

Still fairly queasy but I remembered to get some spearmint candies which often help.  That's it for now!  

Tuesday morning

 I slept OK for me, woke up a couple of times.  

Still queasy but I wasn't when I was sleeping, if that makes sense.  I had a granola bar and my antidepressant when I got up and my stomach is making "digesting" noises so I feel good about that.  

Going to work, and I will get some instant Gatorade packets when I'm there.  

The cats are good; I'm not getting any of the cleaning I had planned so Mom and Dad may come to a messy house, I will do what I can, though.  

Worst case I do see a doctor Saturday.  

So why am I sick?

Well, I am still drinking the six pack of diet Dews every day at work.  I ate at a taco truck of dubious standards.  I ride the bus and work at a big box retailer and have been exposed to God Knows what.  I have stress in my life and don't get enough sleep.  

By the way, on his lunch, the pharmacist came over to me in the breakroom and reminded me I need my Hepatitis B booster.  I thought that was very sweet.  

I also do evangelism, ongoing.  So Bad Things don't like me much, either.  Now nothing is going to happen to me that is not permitted by God.  If you read the book of Job it is very clear, the Devil could only do what he was permitted to do.  

But I can always use work on subjugating my pride; this is sure humbling.  I don't feel like I am going to vomit but I have ZERO appetite and am very nauseous.  

Could it be my medication?  That is possible but I think it is a combination of all of it.  Sadly, the store did not have any ginger root capsules.  Also, the "sure fire" remedy my Latina coworker suggested (Picot) didn't work either.  So I am slurping homemade hydration solution because I don't have any Gatorade powder.  

I have to take my lithium with food or I'll get really sick.  So I have a nice bowl of oatmeal waiting; I've done oatmeal before with my pills and it worked.  

That's it for now.  

To the comments; this is not a discussion forum where we all share religious views.  This is a single voice blog of an evangelical.  You don't have to click on that bookmark if you don't like it.  

But if you like watching train wrecks I'm your girl!  LOL  

 

So queasy!

 Work has been good.  My coworkers and customers have been fun.  Walmart radio (yes, it's a thing) has been playing a lot of sun themed songs which is fun.  

I am still desperately nauseous though.  At least I'm making some money. 

Someone - my doctor or the pharmacy - screwed up my refills.  I had to pick one up at the pharmacy on my lunch.  

I will be glad when I can think about food without gagging.  

I will address the theology comments when I get home

 But this world is what we get when we tell God to (censored) off.

Horribly queasy again today.  This is no fun.  

Ride to work was interesting; I've handed out 3 New Testaments so far.

Ugh.  Miserably sick.  But at least I will make some money out of it.

Some thoughts on Handouts and demonic attacks

 When I started the Bible Handouts I funded them on my own.  Ron basically gave me a modest allowance, I could do that.  

After a while of me going and going people started offering to help fund Bibles.  I am proud, I didn't want help, but I did take it.  It started people would send me checks which I would spend on Bibles (and I have always and only ever spent Bible Handout donations on the actual Bibles and shipping.  Can you imagine standing up before The Throne on Judgement Day telling God I ripped Him off?!).  

Some people wanted to help but didn't want to send me a check.  That was fine, here's my address, send whatever you like.  Some sponsors have only been into KJV but the recipients have always been crazy for them anyway (literally squealing "Oh!  The good ones!" LOL), one sent me a case of Bibles from Dollar Tree.  I hate to think what that shipping cost.  Personally I like the NKJV ones from Church Source, they are a very pretty purple and I find them easier to read.  But if it's legit Word of God I will hand it out.  

Then I had the Go Fund me and bought hundreds of Bibles with the proceeds from that.  I kept track of the deposits and spent it all (as I did with the checks) on the Bibles.  I never spent any of that on candy or tracts even - just Bibles, because that's what people were paying for: Bibles.  Go Fund me did get 5% I believe.  

At some point I realized I get a big Spiritual attack around every Handout.  At one point I was warning the sponsors about this: you might get a spiritual attack doing this, and then one poor guy lost his $10,000 heat pump.  I stopped.  I thought maybe I was manifesting this I thought.  

But I am advancing against demonic strongholds.  I jokingly call "my" corner "Satan's Playground" but it IS.  Those young men are not selling baked goods.  People are likely getting saved (I don't know and that's how I like it, that pride issue again).  That pisses the devil off; his big goal is to send people to hell and separate them from God's love, forever.  He hates what I do.  He hates that I pray for them just like I write on those index cards: "I'm praying for you daily!"  

So he'll do what he can.  Today it was just extreme nausea all day.  I wouldn't be surprised for another night of bad sleep followed by a nasty depression tomorrow.  That's just the price I pay.  

But I will take (and I have a terrible time asking) any prayer for protection from attacks for me and the recipients; because there is incredible power in someone opening a Bible.  

Thank you!  

Was it the taco truck?

 I am horribly queasy but no other symptoms.  

It could be the taco truck but I would think I'd be stuck in the bathroom.  More likely it is probably my medication which is brutal on my stomach.  I have spent a good 20 years sick to my eyeballs.  

Not exactly how I wanted to spend my day off.  Ugh.  

Having said that, I was diagnosed in early September, 2006.  I couldn't get an appointment with a prescribing doctor until November.  I was off the rails crazy.  I had a lot of time to think and I did some research.  

(My sister sent me "helpful" material like a biography of a women with bipolar disorder that was not inspirational to say the least, and also an account of a suicidal man who ended up in a hospital - neither of which I needed to read in that state of mind and were thrown out)

I ended up reading "The Bipolar Survival Guide" which I recommend.  It's very helpful.  I gave my copy away.  Anyway he talked frankly about the various medications and the fact that lithium, then the most commonly used drug, caused extreme nausea.  I decided I was OK with that if I could get some control of my thoughts and moods!

So here I am a good 20 years later still sucking it up.  I really do think it is the lithium; some days are just like this.  

The fun part comes at pill time when I have to gag 3 more down with some sort of food and hope it digests!  

It's funny now

 So one thing I worry about, living alone, is what if I die at the house?  How long will it take them to find me?  

I did tell my aunt to send the police for a welfare check if she doesn't hear from me, I wouldn't want her finding me.  I don't talk about it but it was pretty awful being the one who found Ron, and he was fresh.  

So yesterday I did the Handout and went to a taco truck, got takeout, and then got some groceries.  When I got home I changed into sloppy clothes and ate.  It was delicious.  

Around bedtime I started experiencing some chest pain and discomfort.  Being a stubborn ox I decided not to get checked out and was just living with it.  I prayed about it and remembered a time a schoolmate had brought me tamales in high school.  They were delicious but I had chest pain and discomfort later that night, Mom said it was gas and gave me Maalox, I never ate tamales again.  

I thought, maybe it's gas?  So I took a couple gas pills.  I try to have a well stocked medicine cabinet.  Within 10 minutes it was all gone.  I felt pretty silly but THANK GOD I did not call 911 or go to urgent care.  

I didn't sleep well but I haven't, in a while.  I woke up around 5 and decided not to go to church as it is a 5 hour round trip and I have a lot of things to do around the house today (laundry, cleaning, etc) I have hard floors and they get gritty so I need to sweep and ideally mop as well.  Plus 3 loads of laundry, etc.  

The Bible room was a mess so I worked on that for a while too.  I like to have things by category, booklets, tracts, whole Bibles, New Testaments, etc.  I also have a lot of empty Bible boxes I was "saving" "Because they are good boxes (they are) and I might need them".  In my defense I recently did use an empty Bible box to organize a kitchen cabinet.  

Since they are good boxes I have decided I am going to black out all the addresses (I got my house robbed once, failing to do that) and put them out at the curb once it stops raining this week.  Someone will take them.  

I am trying to focus on doing a lot of Handouts right now while the weather's more mild.  Once it gets really hot I am more restricted in what I can do.  I don't have a partner to sit with the stuff while I run to the bathroom.  

For whatever reason God wants me solo on the Bible Handouts right now.  At least solo on the corner, I have prayer partners, sponsors, etc... I don't do this alone but I am out there solo.  That's one place I miss Ron it was fun to go with him and get a meal afterward.  

That's it for now; I'll post more later.  

I did it!

I'm glad I went; I woke up with a brutal migraine. Excedrin, cold Diet Dew, hot shower took a little of the edge off but not much. I did my shower and God time and decided to at least prep the Bibles.

When I hand out a Bible it has a tract in it (at least one) and a hand written index card with a message I am praying for them daily. For the whole Bibles I had a tract on how to pray, a tract on "Read your Bible in a year" (breaks it into a few chapters a day), a salvation tract.

For the New Testaments I had the index card and a salvation tract. I did up a total of 75 today. A milk crate of Spanish, a milk crate of English. The milk crates fit great in my cart and are easy to remove.

I thought, at the end of it, I don't feel like I'm going to die now. I think I can get this to the bus stop, ride the bus, stand out in the sun for a couple hours waving at cars and holding my sign. So I went.

The first bus two people got on about halfway to my stop in Acres Homes (De Soto and Antoine). The woman was very critical about my Bibles, my cart, etc. Then the man asked me for money. I said no but I offered them a Bible, which they refused.

I got off and it was a little slow at first even though it was after 12. Now they have a large group of "young men" often dressed in red, on the corner opposite where I work. They sell something (?) out of car trunks, stand around loitering, talk loudly, mill around in packs. I don't ask any questions and try not to notice them. They don't bother me. They were facing me today so I saw them every time I turned to the south side of the intersection. I didn't want to attract *their* attention but I did want the north bound cars to see what I had to offer; and some cars did stop going north.

It was very windy; the last time it was this windy the cart actually blew out into the intersection, so I left one case of Bibles in the cart and that worked well. The weather was nice so a lot of people had windows down. A lot of people had deeply tinted windows you couldn't even tell if there was a human in there, none of them wanted Bibles. But the open window crowd a fair amount of them accepted a Bible if I walked up and showed it to them. My sponsors send me really nice looking Bibles that appeal to the recipients.

As before, Spanish was CRAZY. I gave it all away and I had like 30. I had a lot of Latinos looking at me out a window and I would yell "Yo tengo Espanol" (I have Spanish) and they would wave me over. I would ask "Cuantos" (how many) and they would tell me.

One older gentleman actually walked over to me from somewhere and asked if he could have a Bible. He had a heavy Spanish accent so I gave him a Spanish. He looked at it and very apologetically asked for another one, "For my friend".

I told everyone I would be praying for them and it's on those index cards as well. I think the most I gave away at a time there was a whole carload of Spanish women who took 5.

After an hour I had given away about half and at 90 minutes I gave away the last Spanish. I had several English New Testaments left so I wrapped it up and caught the bus.

I went to the taco truck near the grocery store and got a quesadilla which I have not eaten yet. They are delicious, then I got a few groceries including more candy to hand out.

I very seldom give Bibles to kids unless it is Halloween or they are in a car with a parent and they all want Bibles. But there was a young man about 10 at the grocery store kept looking at my hat "Ask me for Free Bibles" and the cart "Free Bibles" sign on the front and looking at me. The third time he came by I gave him a New Testament, he said thank you and started paging through it. I booked it out of there as I did not want an irate parent kicking my teeth in!

Then I came home! A case of Bibles on the porch!

Now time for that quesadilla!  

I have decided to stay single

 The younger guy at work asked for my number and I gave it to him.  Then he was texting me stuff like "T9" which I had to have him explain.  Apparently he is more interested in the physical side of things and I am nowhere near that.  So I had to shut him down.  I think I did.  

It is as very uncomfortable and embarrassing for me.  I have a good life, yes it is a little lonely but it is predictable.  

For my bus ride today we had a guy with gold teeth dressed in solid red from head to toe, drinking generic brand Irish Cream out of a bottle on the bus.  He was pretty restrained though.  

One of the other drivers, from a route I don't take but give candy to, said he had been thinking about me and was genuinely sorry I wasn't riding his bus.  I thought that was sweet.

That's it for now.

Biscuit was vomiting this morning

 But he peed OK right in front of me so I know he's not blocked.  He did eat a few treats later.  

I didn't give him any milk and, importantly, he didn't ask so I think that's it.  

I saw that nice orange boy on my way to work.  He has a home we just say hi.  I call him Oscar.

That's it for now.

I made it to work

 I had my 6:15 bus driver get me at 8:45 I thought that was funny.

I forgot my pork rinds but I can buy more.

I have the rest of my lunch and my diet dew.  

My bank was not interested in exchanging my "toilet" money so I will save that for the self check and get Ace some fresh money from the ATM.  My debit card still works.  

I have also decided to send encouraging texts to some friends every morning.  That is something I would like.

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 Yesterday; I was giving out candy at the transit center to drivers and one of them hugged me.  I thought that was very sweet.  She wasn't even one of my regular drivers, another route is all.  But if I see a bus driver they get candy.  

Anyway got to work it wasn't bad.  I heard a rumor that boss was coming in at 11 but she came in at 2 instead, so I only had her for an hour.  

There is an employee on my team who is "bulletproof" (long story) and she is always going off on that boss it is amusing and terrifying to watch.  I think, if that girl is out for some reason and needs a favor to come back (has happened to other girls on my team) she will not get it (as a very lazy long termer found out).  I try to stay on her good side just self protection and also doing a good job for my employer is mandated in the Bible (work as though serving God and not man, knowing you serve the Lord Jesus Christ).  It's in Colossians I believe.  

Break was uneventful, lunch I ran into my friend Betty who gave me the cat scratcher.  Her elderly cats died and she isn't planning on a new one, wants the stuff to go to a good home, can't bear to throw it out.  So I got it.  And Biscuit loves it, I had pictures, which she loved.  I was happy I could make her smile she is having a hard time (other issues as well).  

I did up a bunch of "praying for you daily" cards before work I was very happy about that.  People really seem to like them.  I hand write them.  

I did drop my wallet in the (clean) toilet which was pretty awful.  

On my way home I was talking to a guy at the bus stop, he mentioned "I have a really bad temper and would probably pull other drivers out of their cars and beat them up" which really took me aback.  

A young guy got off at my home bus stop so I let him go ahead, he was walking fast!  

I laid down for about 30 minutes when I got home, which helped, and then called my parents.  They are doing well.  

It's going to be a very long day today.  

That's it for now!  

Work has been OK

 Boss starts now so we will see what kind of finish I have.

I had lunch with a friend.  She is also a widow.  

I am tired but I start later tomorrow, which means I can sleep in later.  So I should get a decent night of sleep.  

I am looking forward to getting home to the cats.  I am tired; M-W always takes a lot out of me as I am chronically sleep deprived.  

But one of my recipients got off her bus to hug me, today.  

For once, I have my head in the right place

 A while ago I was talking to one of the young male employees.  We were talking while we worked and I told him I had done powerlifting, run a half marathon, and deadlifted Ron off the floor a few times when he fell.  So J thinks I'm pretty cool.  Whenever he sees me he runs over for a hug 

I was helping a customer today when he came by but I stopped to hug J and explained "This is my boyfriend" with a grin.  J loved it.  

He is just a nice kid whose love language is touch and God knows I don't get any hugs these days.  It is always good to see him he makes me grin.  

He is about 30 years younger than me so that's all it is.

Boss had me working all day we are short staffed.  But I did everything she asked, including another employee's work when requested.  

She knows who works, and who doesn't.  It will be a nice break to go clean up grocery for a while at 2.  

It will be interesting to see if the homeless guy is gone from my home bus stop.  If not I will make some calls when I get home.

My experience has been the homeless in my area are all mentally unstable addicts and I don't need that following me home.

That's it for now.  

I slept better

 But not much and not long enough.  I didn't have time to do up candy.

It began raining right before I left so I brought my poncho.  I found a homeless man laying on the ground at my home base bus stop.  I was very unhappy as it was very dark, isolated, and early.  One I got away I called Metro PD and they sent someone to run him off.

The last thing I need is some gacked out mentally ill freak hassling me at the bus stop and following me home.  It has been my experience they will move on from this bus stop if I call the police as there is no way to beg and no access to liquor.

I hope the rest of the day goes better.  

My first driver never showed

 I had to take a later bus.  When I got off at my stop I saw "my" bus following him and making him do all the work.  

Not cool.  He lost a lot of respect.

So I had to take 2 other "later" buses who don't usually get the candy.  They were happy to see it!  

Third bus has not left yet.