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Showing posts from May, 2012

No wonder I'm bitter!

I doubt I will tell Ron, why I got angry tonight.

He likes to watch TV, find "the new viral video that everyone is watching" and then have me play it for him.  Usually I don't mind, although I tend to disdain "viral" anything.

He told me, he just HAD to see a new video, a very romantic wedding proposal.  I was very resistant, for reasons I'll explain later.  I went to Youtube and looked.  It wasn't under "popular" videos.  Sometimes they are under "trending" videos.  I looked again, nothing.

So, it can't be that popular.  I told him that.

I was very annoyed at the whole "romantic wedding proposal" concept, and it took me a few minutes to figure out why.  I had already told Ron, no I didn't want to look it up.  No, it isn't here.  No, it isn't here either.

No, I don't want to type it into the search bar.  I TRIED to tell him, if I entered "wedding proposal" into the search bar on Youtube, I…

Sometimes I forget

Today I had to get up at 3 AM (I went to bed already and woke up due to a nightmare).  We went to work to get the Dr Pepper delivery.

I think I've talked about it, basically, as a vendor, you are in a clan.  It's either Coke, Dr Pepper, or Pepsi.  We're in the Dr Pepper clan.  They provide the canned soda vendors and service technicians (although I am vain enough to say I can do a lot of fixes on my own), we stock it with a minimum 75% Dr Pepper product (that equates to two "competitors" and 6 Dr Pepper items in each machine).  They have a wide selection, so it's easy to fill it up.

Anyway, another feature is the delivery.  They tell you "We are coming at 4 AM on the last Tuesday of the month", and you'd better be there if you want the machines, and soda.  Last month Ron forgot it was delivery day and the other vendor received it for him.

They, very politely, requested we get THEIR order this month.  We couldn't say no, could we?  And, we…

Can of worms?

Readers will know I experienced a lot of abuse growing up.   Many years ago, I did a checklist with a therapist and ended up saying "yes" to everything on the list (except sexual abuse).  It was a complete eye-opener.

So, I was abused.  Then I had to deal with that.  I was abused.  How do I get over, having being abused?

In my case, I wrote a book.  Mostly poetry, with some autobiography, where I dragged out all the pain, raw and screaming, and put it down on the page.  It wasn't all pain, though.

I told Ron, this morning "It's bipolar".  It has a lot of happy stuff too.

Why am I talking about a book I wrote 12 years ago?  It just went live on Amazon.  I am completely wired.

On the one hand, I'd love to put something up on my Facebook (and my Facebook name is not the same as the name I used for the book, as I've married and use his name now); HOWEVER, the parties in question are now "Facebook" friends and that could get very messy, ve…

The safest place I can be

If I hadn't seen the broken windows, I'd have been furious.

I have siding on my home.  Many Houston homes have brick.  Brick is more durable, but it crumbles in seismic events.  No thanks.  Growing up in 'quake country, I heard many stories of collapsed, brick, homes.

Here's an image:  Brick home after a quake

My home was partially remodeled before I bought it.  It had a "bad" composite siding on the north and west side of the home, and "good" hardi-plank siding on the other two sides of the home.  Unfortunately, the north side of my home is owned by the 5-child soccer playing family.  The father also installed a sprinkler system and ran it morning and night (I'd hear it).

Last year, when I made an inspection (that is also my zero-property line side), the siding looked fine.  It had some wear at the base, and a piece about 4x6 inches had literally been kicked off the side of the house (the "goal" is placed at the wall of my home).  I…

Heart Murmurs

"You have a heart murmur" I've heard, more than once, on exam.  Every time I weighed more than 170 pounds, and when I got my weight down doctors stopped remarking on it.   Maybe they didn't feel led to comment, or maybe it wasn't there.

One doctor stated "If you were able to train for, and run a half marathon you don't need to worry about your heart".  I tend to agree.  I have had no other symptoms of heart disease (which did kill my birth mother).

I wasn't happy to hear my vet say  "He has a heart murmur'>  He didn't have one last year.  However, in cat years, he's at retirement age.

She also remarked, at 14 pounds, he's too heavy, and she'd like him to lose 3 pounds.  I finally got Ron to agree to a diet change.  Ron will feed the cat no more than 6 cat treats, plus cooked meat, a day.  I will get rid of the junk food and buy a quality, grain-free low carb product (suggestions welcome).

Then I thought, I love my…

Bubba's Fan Club

Today, we took Bubba cat to the vet.  He needed to update his vaccines.

As you can see from the photos in the sidebar, Bubba is an elegant, shorthaired, black cat.  He's very dignified.  He loves to hunt, hence the nickname "Bubba".

Boy, can he hunt.  He brought me a sparrow yesterday.  Well, part of one.  Ew.

So, Ron and I blocked out today for our visit.  We got some lunch, came home, and waited.  When it got within a few moments of pickup, I stuffed Bubba into his box.

I've had a lot of cats that tried to hurt me, when I'd medicate them or put them in the carrier.  Bubba doesn't.  He'll struggle, resist, but he has never raised a claw to me.  Just one of the many reasons he's my favorite cat, ever.

Metrolift came and all 3 of us went out to the cab.  The driver wasn't a fan of cats, but he didn't hate them, either.  Bubba howled with great tragedy.  I was glad it was a straight trip.

Ron's very protective, and was pretty distraugh…

Video Blog

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Ron looks at the new bathroom.

Hell of a summer

I knew it would be a hot summer.  
Ron has a phone number.  Due to the wonder of caller ID recognition, it will give him weather reports on various towns.  We were horrified, when he called recently, to find our old town in CA STILL had lows in the 40's, every night.  I can't imagine anything more awful.  
That said, today, I was walking around in the very hot sun, with a heat index well into the upper 90's, remembering all the dire warnings on my Haldol "DO NOT BECOME OVERHEATED".   Bad Heather.  
However, I refuse to stay at home like an inmate on house arrest.  Yes, Ron could have helped me with transportation but I am independent.  I want to do what I can for myself, and ask him for help when I really do need it.  
I'm sure at least one reader will shriek in dismay as I say "I made sure to drink plenty of cold, diet, soda, though."  They'll tell me, soda isn't water, is dehydrating, etc.  But it was cold!  [grin]  
I seem to be losing my…

Poor pharmacist

Note: I always carry a couple weeks' worth of medication, in my backpack, when I leave the house.

I take 3 medications.  One helps with psychotic stuff (seeing and hearing things that ain't there, people "out to get me, etc.).  I got that today.  Yay.  $10 for 3 months and my favorite drug maker (Mylan).  I got my antidepressant, $45, keeps me from killing myself, also made by Mylan.  I love Mylan.

Then I went to get my lithium, which basically keeps me from going "Buggo" and committing felonies.  It was not the $10 it's always been, but $65.  Doc wrote it for the wrong formulation.  I said "I'm not paying for that, I want my $10 lithium".

The poor pharmacist was so freaked out.  She thought I was going off my meds.  I had to show her, I had some extra "good" lithium, in my backpack before she'd calm down.  I guess she thought she'd see me on the news tomorrow if she "let" me leave without my lithium.  Poor pharm…

Ouch.

Well, I got my insurance quote.  $3K deductible for wind and hail.  Ouch.

I called my Dad's insurance, through the military.  Ouch.

Looks like I'll be sticking with the current provider.

Broken has it's own blog.

OK, I did it.

I decided, with no feedback, to go ahead and start my ongoing story (fictional one that is) as a blog.  Here is a link:  http://heatherknitslovestory.blogspot.com/

I thought it would be a lot less confusing if I kept them separate.  I've had these characters in my head for a very long time.

I'm calling it "Broken, a Love Story" because the heroine sees herself as "broken" and unlovable due to her  disabilities.

Chapter 1

I've been playing with a story idea for a long while.

Ron has often said, when reading romance novels, he wishes he were the big, strong, high-earning hero.  I told him once no one would ever create a FAS, bipolar, heroine and he said "Why not?"  I also wanted to show the damage cults, and bad doctrine, do in relationships.

So, I decided to play with it today.  Here's chapter one.  If it's liked, I'll keep the story line ongoing and create a separate blog for it.

Paul smiled as he pulled up in front of his home.  The neatly manicured yard set off the brick nicely, he’d thought.   His wife hadn’t liked it much, wanted something “more personal”, but he overruled her the way he always did.  After all, he was the husband.  Brother John was clear on his role in the marriage.   He unlocked the door and entered the living room.  Everything was neat and tidy, the plush oriental carpet setting off the burgundy leather sofa, the photos neatly displayed on the walnut en…

Things I like about myself

I have several, secular, "Daily Reader" books.  One, a gift from my sister, covers the struggles faced by people with mental illness.  Another, a gift to myself, is from Al-anon and covers the steps I need to take to be my best.

One of them, I forget which, said I should write a list of my good qualities.  I still have self-esteem issues. I believe Jesus died for me but I have a hard time believing I have value!

I felt a familiar prompting, I associate with God:  Do a blog.  OK.


I have a strong faith in God.  I believe He is always with me, no matter what.  One memory that comes to mind, Hurricane Ike.  Ron was very sick.  I was sitting at the kitchen table, the winds screaming around the house.  I could hear things crashing, banging, and breaking.  The next morning, I looked outside and saw a yard full of shingles.  Even at that moment, I knew God was with me, and would carry me through.  When I went out in the yard, OUR roof was fine.  I had all the other roofs in my yar…

Just a girlfriend

I promised I would write a blog about how my sin (living with Ron before marriage), led to a lot of pain for me.

Ron used to say it every time I said we should get married.  "It's just a piece of paper, what's the big deal?"  I'd tell him, I didn't have any legal rights.

He saw marriage, at the time, as a way for women to "beat men up" when they divorced.  He saw a "clean" break with a live-in relationship, whoever had the lease kept the apartment, the other left.  Separate finances (we still do that) meant you wouldn't have any asset raiding.  No shared credit meant no shared bills.  When it was over, it was over, no mess, no fuss, no paperwork.

He knew someone who went through bankruptcy due to a bad divorce.  It was very emotionally draining for her, drawn-out, and complex.

He'd say, that's why he didn't want to get married.  Right now.  He later told me he never planned to marry.

I took it to God, and I had a dream…

God hates sin, not the sinner.

God hates sin.  What is sin?  I'll start with my own: gossip, self-pity, gluttony, pride, and laziness.  I'm headstrong, I want to run ahead with my own plans instead of waiting on God.

Some other sins?  Lying, theft, slander, hatred, fornication.

Yup.  I'm going there.  God doesn't hate the person committing the sin, he hates the sin itself, because the sin separates that person from him.

So, my premarital sex (with Ron) was just as offensive to God, as a gay orgy, because it separated me from him.  I chose what I wanted, over His will for my life.

That hurts God.  God is a just God, and He cannot have sin in Heaven.  Therefore, sinners, who die in their sin, are going to hell (I can just hear the commentary already, but you read me because I am frank).

That means, ANYONE who dies in sin, without Jesus, will go to hell.  It doesn't matter if you are gay, or a heterosexual gossip.  It doesn't matter if you're a lesbian, or an embezzler.  All sin is equ…

Second Strike

I am horribly contagious, and feel terrible.  I don't want to get too close to Ron and infect him, so no blog today.

I'll do one when I feel better.  It was really cute, tonight I "caught" him brushing the cat, gently.  The cat had thrown up a hairball in MY room while I tried to nap, so I warned Ron to go easy with treats, hairball, etc.

Ron decided he'd groom the cat.  Kitty wouldn't have to EAT the loose fur, Ron could brush it off and I cleaned the brush.  We got about a quarter cup of soft, black, hair.  I could have spun a couple feet of yarn.

And Bubba's a shorthair!  I really think it is cruel to have a long-haired pet in Houston, unless you will keep it in a very well air conditioned environment.

We went to work, I felt bad about that, but I had to get a delivery.  The man who ran over Ron works over by the dock and is as reckless as ever.  I don't want him getting a second strike at Ron.  He almost got ME one day!  [shudder]  That man is…

Witch Doctor

Whenever Ron gets sick, he asks me for help.  "Heather," he says "You're my witch doctor.  What do I need?"  I assess his symptoms and hook him up with various supplements and over the counter remedies.

I worked at a Target many years ago, as a cashier.  I enjoyed the work.  I'm very extroverted and enjoyed chatting with the customers about their purchases.

It used to annoy me to no end, when a sick person would come through my lane, coughing and sneezing all over me.  Then, I'd get sick.

I always thought "Why don't they buy the cold and flu remedy before they get sick?  Then they can just get it out of the medicine chest when they need it, without making the cashier sick.

Not to mention, in MY case I would be exposing other public transit passengers, and the driver, to whatever "cootie" I'd caught.  I don't want to get people sick.  

A little known fact:  I seldom get a cold or flu, generally it's a matter of years.  …

Sunday Night Readers

I'm battling a nasty cold today.

I just feel exhausted and very fretful.  Not very good company.

I know I get a lot of Sunday Night Readers... if I can I'll post something interesting later on.  (((hugs)))

Mexican Mother's Day

My last, text, post was pretty grim; but I try to keep it real.

Hard to deal with mother issues, at mother's day, etc.  Today, did you know, is Mexican Mother's Day?

No, it's not the start of a racist joke.  It really is Mother's Day, in Mexico, today.  The waitress at our favorite taqueria wished me a good one and gave me a hug.   Then, paratransit left us stranded there for 2 hours, waiting on our pickup.

I was glad we hadn't planned anything else!  I was also glad I'd taken that lithium with my lunch.

Speaking of, I still need to get on the blood test lab and ride them about results.  I also need to (pray for me, please) call tech support because my modem isn't working very well.  Well, at this moment it is... ha ha.  So, I need to find out what kind of setting I need to do, lots of horrible talking over the phone (the customer service techs don't understand audio processing disorder).  [Shudder]  It's almost enough to make me wish I did take…

Video Blog!

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Jesus died for everything she did to me.

I figured, if this was still bothering me, I probably needed to talk about it.

Two things happened this week: I put up a photo of my birth mother, and it's the anniversary of her death.  Prior to her death, I had no photos.

When I was a kid, my Dad didn't want any reminders.  Besides, I did get to see her now and then.  When she was able to see me (seldom).  She'd always cry when I left.

When my sister came out in 2003, she brought some photos of Mom, and her autopsy report.  Did you know, she had an extra spleen?  Her liver looked like she drank as much as she did, etc., but it was clearly heart disease that killed her.

I accepted the photos and put them in my Bible.  I'd take them out rarely, looking at them, wondering.

Now's probably about the time I talk about my "experience" 10 years ago.  I had a dream one night.  A woman came to me.  She had short, wavy, gray hair.  She radiated love.  She apologized for hurting me and swore "I didn't…

This is where faith comes in

I'm typing this on my very old computer, so if this looks odd you'll know why. 

I have just not been feeling inspired, or talkative, recently.  Because I was sick?  Because I'm on new medication?  I don't know.  I love to post when I'm manic, but sadly, I lost that to the migraine.  Agh. 

A lot of stress on my plate.  We got the homeowners insurance quote.  They want over a thousand dollars, for a policy with a three thousand dollar deductible.  I do not live on the coast, I'm well inland (it takes hours to get to my house, from the bay).  Ron and I agree, it's all the tornadoes.  They drove up the rates. 

I just know that, paying $3K deductible, for us, is impossible.  Charging $1K for that policy seems illegal.  I do plan to get another quote. 

This is where faith comes in, too.  Had God allowed any damage to my home?  No.  Is it likely He will?  No.  God created the universe, he can certainly send severe weather "away", right?  Yes.  Did Go…

Even Medicated (a political post)

You know, it would seem like a no brainer.  The economy is in flames.  Unemployment is high.  Savings are depleted, people are losing hope.  Foreclosures are rampant... and it's an election year.

I'd think, personally, the populace would be getting ready to toss out the president.  I'm not going to point fingers, but isn't that what people do?  If the economy deteriorates under someone's presidency, they generally get tossed out like an old sock in November.

Now, thanks to the Republicans, I really doubt it.

I post on conservative Christian message boards.  Shocking, isn't it?  [snort]  And what do I hear?  Everyone is excited about the Republican ticket: Romney and Rubio (maybe).  Everyone is hoping it's Rubio.  They like the way he talks (reminds me of someone else, 4 years ago) [snort].

Wait a minute.  The Republicans, in a vital election year, have chosen a Mormon and an admitted anchor baby?  These are the guys who are going to take back the White …

"I don't want to catch it!"

I just crawled out of a two-day migraine.  It was hell.

I've only had three in my life, and I hope I never have another.  However, as I retched bile into a bucket, my faithful cat staring up at me with concern, and Ron cooing "Poor Baby", I also realized I am incredibly blessed.

I blame the vegetables.  Ron delayed half my pay this week (I got the balance today), so I took what I did have and bought healthy things.  Doc wants me to improve my diet, so I got a small squash, celery, green beans, and some stir fry beef.

The beef was really cut too thick for a stir fry, but I made a good one anyway.  The vegetables were nicely crunchy, flavored with a little garlic and sautéed in vegetable oil.

I felt very proud of myself, eating my vegetables.  Until the next morning, the actual day of my doctor's appointment, when I woke up and went pretty much straight to vomiting.

I had just enough time to grab a bucket.  Oh, it was horrible.  Ron wondered if I could still make …
Coming off a 2 day migraine. Exhausted.

I love my Haldol

Today, Ron skipped a trip to the liquor store.  I was thrilled.  I didn't make a big production out of it, though.  I just said "Oh, OK".

We had today off.

Yesterday was pretty awful for both of us.  For the first time ever, not enough money to pay me.  Not only that, we got the bill for our homeowner's insurance.  Ouch.  For that kind of money, I'd expect a platinum policy!  Instead, we get a $3,000 deductible.

Last year, we did some research, and it is the best deal.  I'm just whining about it because I can.  I try to be positive and upbeat in 99% of my life, here's where you'll find me.

Ron was very discouraged.  I tried to be upbeat but got infected with Ron's pessimism after he fell asleep. I put up some prayer requests.  We have a lot of canned sodas so I put up a prayer request for people to buy them.

At any rate, it looks like the old days, old pay are behind me now.  However, I can have fun on the cheap.

I did sleep well last night,…