Showing posts from 2007

Take two cats and call me in the morning

Today I hardly know I'm bipolar. A few side effects at work, but Ron is always very kind and considerate. Someone I know at work was asking a LOT of questions about the nature of depression and antidepressants. He is a very nice guy, but obviously depressed. I would love to think he may get some "Help" if he needs it thanks to me. It's nice when I feel like God is using my illness for a higher purpose.

Yay! I got an email from Paradise Fibers. I won their "Product Review" contest and now I have a $20 gift certificate. That's a lot of wooly fun. I'm going to consider what I'd like for a bit before I redeem it. I'm definitely thinking the navy blend merino and maybe some sari silk yarn. I could make an awesome throw pillow.

I was considering what to do in the living room; Ron likes to sit under the ceiling fan but currently that's where I have my chair. I think I"ll get a 6-foot long sofa and run it parallel to the window…

I got the message; I love my pills

God has a way of dealing with me when I start having pity parties about my side effects. Today's a classic example.

We didn't work today; we'll go in to work tomorrow. So it was just Walmart and home. I forgot to get a can of green chilis and some yeast (bread yeast). I was pretty frustrated with myself; but I was somewhat depressed and foggy. I was ranting inwardly about stupid side effects. Why me, Lord? What did I do? Now I have to go BACK to the store.

Ron reminded me that he was going to Starbucks. I can walk to a Randalls (a high-end grocery store) from Ron's Starbucks. He added me onto his trip and I took a nap once we got home. I woke up when my Lithium alarm went off 12:44 PM, time to take dose #2. I was lazy, though, and I didn't take it until 2 hours later. I believe in honesty; that was stupid but I won't lie. Especially in light of what happened later.

We got a good trip to the Starbucks and I sat with him for a little while. He'…

Good news and a recipe

Hoo-yeah! I took a B-50 vitamin last night. I was thinking about my nutritional research, that most people with mood disorders have mega-deficiencies of B complex. So, I thought, it won't hurt me to take a B-50 (ALONG with my mood stabilizers and antidepressants) before bedtime. I was right. I felt a lot better even before I fell asleep and great today. I just had a couple of groggy "Pillow" hours where I felt like my brain was full of glue and everyone was speaking another language. Ron said I was a big help anyway and I told him I always love to hear it.

We had the microwave repairman come out. $352. OUCH. We do have two commercial microwaves up and running, but OUCH.

Dr Pepper made their delivery. I got my case of Diet Dr Pepper bottles because my husband loves me and wants to spoil me. After work we got BBQ. Yum.

When we came home I had a GOOD nap. I was flat for about 2 hours (my usual nap-time). I'd rather need a nap than be sick and delusional. …

I'm OK, really.

Sometimes, every day's a battle. Some days it's a bloody, brutal mess. Inside my head, I mean. 99.9% of the population would run screaming from what's in my head on a bad day. I call them "bad thoughts". They may be delusions, paranoia, fear, obsessions with God-knows-what, bad memories, beating myself up over dumb things (why did I say that at the party 12 years ago?), or my personal nightmare, the suicidal impulses. Shudder.

I'm depressed again. Again! I get so weary of the battle sometimes. I get tired of side effects, shaking hands, foggy thinking, and when was the last time I went a week without having to take a nap or taking a swig of Pepto? I get strange pimples on my belly, arms, and legs from the lithium. I love my "Big L" but it's a harsh drug.

On a day like today, I ask myself how much worse would it be off the pills, and I thank God I've got my 5 best freinds every day (3 Lithium, 5 mg of Lexapro and a Risperdal). I&…

Merry Christmas! ALL items are free!

We got the postal workers 2 new microwaves. They've been a big hit; when they mention the microwaves we wish them a Merry Christmas (hey, without them we're homeless, and I never forget it). We also put the coffee machine on "free" Christmas eve.

How does it work? Well, we have a switch inside the machine. We flip the switch, and it announces "All Items are FREE!". It's a good feature for the vendor, we've accidentally left it on "free" before they upgraded it. So, we like to leave it on free at least once a year.

We went in early Christmas eve. "Only rich people get today off" stated our Sandwich lady, if we wanted our delivery we had to go to work. Same deal with the donuts. I made her (sandwich lady) another loaf of banana bread. When Ron told her, she was so happy I could hear her exclamations over the phone. Her delivery guy loved everything I made, I'm thinking some pumpkin bread and cookies for him next week…
Well, Ron got the flu, poor baby. He had a fever of 101.7 for about 2 days. My naturopathic books tell me (and even the Merck Manual) to leave a fever alone. Your body will kill off a lot of virus particles with heat. If you take a fever-reducing drug, you're basically prolonging your illness. Ron didn't want to infect anyone so we stayed home 2 days until he had a normal temperature.

The first day I took our "local" bus to Krogers. We have 2 Krogers near our house. One is an "OK" Krogers, but I don't trust their meat or perishables for various reasons (I have my reasons). We usually end up going to that one, which is fine, they have the tea and the canned sugarfree sweet potatoes that I enjoy.

I don't have my own Metrolift, so no Ron = No trips. Work didn't need us, as it turned out. I still had plenty of products in my snack machines and we were able to handle all the stocking in a couple of hours today. Ron and I got some much-need…

Eight Days

Last week I got a little manic for baking. I used up about 5 pounds of flour making various banana-nut, pumpkin-nut, and sugarfree breads. I also mastered a good lemon sugar cookie recipe. Surprisingly to me, when I mention "Lemon Sugar cookies", everyone goes "Mmmmm". I thought they'd be something only a few people would like. Most of the loaves I made were the "small" size, or 3-to-1 regular loaf size. At any rate, I could split the batter between 3 small loaf pans and get three nice loaves.

Ron had fun tasting and licking various beaters. I can't eat any nuts at all, or I'd risk a terrible migraine. Nothing, and I mean no food on this planet, is worth 12 hours minimum of agonizing pain, with a minimum of 12 hours horrible, wrenching, vomiting into a bucket episodes (down to the heaves style). No food is worth that. Not even chocolate, which I can't eat either.

So Ron ate the nut breads, pronounced them delicious, and ate them c…

"Let's take the bus"

I had a very satisfying and productive day today. Bubba (alpha cat) still has his "cold" so he slept with me last night, poor thing. He sneezed a lot but he seems lively and he's got a good appetite today. We had a good cuddle all last night.

I was tired today because I stayed up late watching "Tin Man" on Sci-Fi. I don't regret staying up. Is it my favorite movie ever? No.

I finally got my $5 refund from "Lousy herb company". When I got home today, the GOOD herb company, these guys, already had what I'd ordered in my mailbox, and I only ordered it a couple days ago. That's some awesome service. Here's the link: I will be using them again.

Work was busy. We are almost completely out of Coca-cola. It's insane. We're going to Sam's Club to get more tomorrow morning before work, then we'll take it in and stock it directly. Then, I'll get the milk.

We …

It's beyond whining, I'm sniveling!

Well, well, well. Maybe it's my Panothetic acid, the Siberian Ginseng, or the fact that Ron made the doctor's appointment but I know what I've got.

Today my nose started running, and it was greenish-yellow. I started coughing up same. So. Sinus infection! I sound awful, but my head doesn't hurt. I'm somewhat congested but it's not too bad. Just the stupid COUGHING is old. I'm pulling muscles coughing! I went through two packages of portable tissues!

On the postive side, I'm getting the crud out of my body. That's got to be a good thing. My routine is working; I just sound awful. Even the worst case has me going to my doctor on Monday morning.

Ron was very sweet to me last night and today. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he read my blog. He's been awesome. I'm pretty clear on what I need "Pat me on the back and tell me I'm a poor baby.", so he knew what to do.

We went to work this morning, I filled them…

I took my pills but I still gave someone the finger

AGGH. It was an odd and aggravating day, especially considering I had the day off! I still have the stupid cough, cough, cough. It's been 2 weeks now.

Ron complained about it and I said if it bothers you so much, make the appointment yourself. I hate going to the doctor. It's bad enough that I'm insane without my 5 pills a day, I take them. I endure the side effects. The last thing I want to do is go to another doctor and get some pills that might make me freak out. I live in horror of just that. I had a horrible October, 1998 that is my benchmark for "terrible". Compazine make me incredibly paranoid and manic, it was literally weeks before I could sleep more than an hour at a time. Anyway, he called and made an appointment for Monday. I love her, she's a great doctor. Bags of driver candy will be given. I just hate going to the doctor. I hate being sick.

Then I had to hear several times today, just how incredibly annoying he finds that cough,…

Push my button, it's easy. Or: Bullshit!

Ron was watching CNN last night. He watches the news a lot. I don't so much. Right now, I've got the weather channel on. I'm more of a - I'll go into my TV preferences in another post.

Anyway, someone was on antidepressants, "snapped" and shot up a mall, killing several people and himself. Some commentator said "Well, depression is anger turned inward." Ron came out to get my opinion.

Once the flames died down, I explained. I actually did a bit of research before I started this post, and I'm not the only one who's angered by that statement. Before I type anymore, I have to explain something. I have a loving family. They were baffled and infuriated by me at times, saddened by my depressions, and fearful of my next manic phase. They wanted to help. But I never doubted anyone's love for me, from my brother and sister to my dad, mom, and stepmom.

I had delusions at about age 7, and was manifesting clinical depressions by the time…

Neti pots and Mai Men Dong

Sounds X-rated, doesn't it? Mai Men Dong? It isn't.

See, I hate going to the doctor, unless it's my psychiatrist. Him, I need. I need the prescriptions. Maybe part of it is the fact that I'm already taking 5 pills a day. That's a lot.

I still have a persistent dry cough, the "hack" Ron calls it. It's allergies. The coughing gets A LOT worse anytime I get near a cat. Yup, I'm allergic to my children.

I don't want to see my primary care doctor for allergies. She'll write a prescription, and if I'm unfortunate, I'll have a bad reaction and freak out. It's happened before, once I was given compazine and I had a 3 week manic bender. Ron thought he would have to "Put me away".

If I have average luck, it'll work somewhat but I'll have another side effect or two to add to my list (did I already mention I'm on 3 pills that ALL cause side effects?). If I'm "lucky", the medication will be …

My brain buddy

Debra Lafave got arrested. Fox News Reported: "According to a police report, Lafave spoke with her teenage co-worker numerous times about family problems, friends, high school, boyfriends and sex.

As part of her probation, Lafave is to abstain from contact with minors under 18 years of age"

I have bipolar disorder too. I never had sex with a younger man, in fact my "naughty boy" was 19 years older than me. He said I was pretty wild, too. I hope I still am. Anyway, she's got an illness.

I like to think, she was sitting at home, taking her pills, not drinking (it screws with the pills), keeping a stable schedule. She did everything she could to manage the disease to it won't manage her. We'll never know that, but I'm going to assume she was pretty consistent in following her routine.

Well, I'm going to compare myself to her for a moment. I am religious about taking my medication faithfully. I even talked to a compounding pharmacy and my ps…

Bed 2

No headache today! See, I know I'm an optimist because I'm ALWAYS looking for the positive.

Today, a funny little story about making assumptions. This morning we had a driver we've ridden with several times. He's extremely professional, very clean cab, very well groomed and polished. In short, a guy you like to see in your driveway.

This morning it was extremely cold. Last year on really cold days, I gave out some cheap pairs of "magic" gloves to some drivers. They were a tremendous hit. Generally, the drivers who got them were more "bread and butter" practical types. Not the sleek and well groomed persona of this morning's driver.

It was extremely cold by Houston standards (mid 30's). I told myself I'd at least offer a pair of gloves to my first driver on the really cold and miserable days. I handed him his candy, along with the gloves. He thanked me, then he kind of stared at the gloves for a minute. "They stretch.&quo…

Devil Cabs and driver candy

For about 3 days in a row, I woke up with terrible headaches. I'd beat them back with asprin (either generic alka-seltzer or ecotrins), eat enough to hold my pills (I've learned I have to eat at least 1.5 cups of food with some protein and/or fat), and take the mood stabilizers. Like some horrible ghoul, though, the headache would return. NOT FUN. I'd chew a Tylenol Gotab and soldier on - generally with increased Lithium side effects.

Thank God, when I woke up today, they were gone. I'm ovulating around now so I'm prone to more headaches as a rule. But no headache today, thank God.

I can tell what kind of day I'll have by the amount of driver candy I end up toting along. I give one to every driver we have - so one bag per trip. Am I getting a delivery? They get a bag too. Today, I brought a record total of 6 bags. One for our 4 AM ride to work, one for the sandwich guy, two for the wholesale delivery guys. That's a funny story.

I had a terrible…

Cleaning the bookcase

I have an aura photo we had taken at a health fair. Ron was nice enough to go and we were curious. Turns out we had a full spectrum between us, which is a good thing for a couple. That was over a decade ago. I think it's "cute".

I'm not afraid of "alternate" things like aromatherapy and herbalism, but it's hard to avoid the new age philosophies as well. I'm a Born-Again-Christian. The Bible has pretty strict regulations on dealing with mediums and such - don't do it.

I try to balance my natural curiosity, Biblical values, and common sense. I've also come to some conclusions.

I'm going to be getting rid of several books. They're part of a series I enjoyed. The lastest book covers a topic that I find incredibly painful. I prefer to let the past stay past, dead and buried. I decided not to buy the book. I sat down and looked at the rest of the series. It covers some witchcraft, wiccan, etc. The extra-marital sex just clinc…

I love Houston

When I logged onto my ISP (I use dialup), the usual ocurred. A pop-up or two, quickly closed, my AVG updated itself, and my "Welcome Screen" appeared. It seems a San Diego suburb has been rated the "Safest" town in America.

Good for them. I'll never forget the day I moved out of California. See, "We Gotta Get out of this Place" had been my theme song for a couple of years beforehand. I loved Redwood City. It's a beautiful little town, just the right balance of developed and unspoiled. It had the best "Setup" of any place we've lived. Just two blocks to the transit center, commuter train station, two large grocery stores, drugstore, and giant bookstore. A few more blocks and we had the Post Office, City Hall, restaurants I still miss, the community college branch, and an awesome thrift store. Everything was close by. It was terrific.

However, I was paying $1000 a month to live down the street from a crackhouse, and the sex …

The current nightmare and my dream for the future

Imagine this. You're uninsured. You've got a terrible sore throat and a deep hacking cough. You go to the local "Doc in a Box" clinic - the one that only takes cash or credit, and makes you pay before you see the doc.

When you first get there, you notice the plexiglass barrier between the receptionists and the clients. A large man sits in the corner, wearing a gun. Then you're told "Oh, we're sorry. You need an appointment to see someone, even if you're very ill. The wait time is about 3 weeks." You reluctantly make the appointment and hope to God you feel better. That office was awful.

Unfortunately, you don't get better. In fact, you're coughing up blood by now. Someone's sent you a list of items to bring to your appointment. You'll need your birth certificate, social security, proof of residency in the County, and pay stubs. Lots of pay stubs. You can pay for your care, you just need to see a doctor. Why are the…

I'm a hypocrite!

I don't like this cough. It gets worse when I'm around the cats, ergo allergies. I just remembered the Nasonex and got into it. That stuff isn't cheap, $100 a month, but it does work. 2 squirts up each nose ought to help me by tomorrow.

First of all, I have to state a fact that's going to put the whole rest of this post in perspective and honestly, make me look like the hypocrite I am. I drink about 12 cans of diet soda a day. Minimum. I hardly ever drink plain water. It's got bubbles, artificial color, scary sounding preservatives, and artificial flavors.

Today I had an alka-seltzer. I put it in 4 ounces of tap water. I can't remember the last time I had water before that. So. Having said that, I'll proceed.

I don't like to take antihistamines, I feel they overload my liver (remember all the sodas) and they're "toxic". You can tell I lived in CA for 15 years. However, they work. At least Claritin worked on the allergies, bu…


Well, I just can't have a dull day. Yesterday, in the midst of running around and excitement of making deposits, catching Metro, etc... I ate something yellow.

No! Not the yellow! I didn't really think of it when I ate the cheese-sauced roast beef (with bacon) but I sure noticed today around 11 AM when I developed a nasty headache. Mike, who works for the other vendor, was mopping with some Lysol. Whooooeeee. I thanked God for my chewable Tylenol Go tabs, chewed it, and the pain abated somwhat.

I'd rate today's headache at a good 4 on a 1-10. For me, that's hardly worth mentioning. The only real impact it had was that Tylenol affects my lithium levels, increasing them and causing me more side effects. Whine whine.

This morning Ron came to me and apologized. He stated that he'd woken up sitting on the toilet with a vague memory of me yelling at him. He had come into the "computer/exercise" room and spoke to me, then he started groping around…
I do want to add something to my other post, if I ever feel "unusual" in any way, and it's not managed by my medication, of course I'll call my doctor. I could tell him "I want to kick some ass" and he would get it, deal with it, all better.

Speaking of ass-kicking, it's union election time. We have about 1100 Postal Workers at our plant. One guy died over the weekend, heart attack. He was so sad. He never did anything nice for himself, always so gloomy and unhappy. Now he's dead. I hope he was saved, and I hope he had a decent insurance policy so his widow is OK. He was a postal worker so I'm sure he did. They have pretty tasty benefits.

So, union election time. I've been there for 6 years, and I've seen a few elections. At first they are very nice. You see an incredible assortment of flyers with promises to change, or promises to keep up the good work.

As the flyers become multi-colored and begin sporting photos, it begins …

"I need to take an antipsychotic"

It's funny. Ron and I were relating the "Ron had to take the cat to the vet all by himself" story. A funny story, I think, with all the goodness of humanity coming to the rescue of poor terrified Bubba in his carrier as Ron inadvertently slams him in the door.

"You took your cat to the doctor but not your wife?" Nope. Interesting story - I hate going to the doctor. I don't mind my "Brain tune ups" as I view the visits with my psychiatrist - mainly just side effect and mood reporting. But I hate going to the doctor.

Before, I used to go as often as I felt I needed to. Sore throat? Persistent cough? Doctor. I've had a persistent dry cough for over a week now but I won't go to the doctor. I figure either, it's bronchitis and antibiotics won't help (My Merck Home manual says so), or it's cat allergies and I'm not giving up the cat. Benadryl helps at night, I'm sleeping fine, so no worries. Before, I wouldn'…

Friday Frenzy - or come shop with me

Being sick, I didn't go out for almost a week. I used up my groceries. I have learned that there is such a thing as too much vegetable soup. If I eat another spoonful this month, I'll scream.

However, I needed something to help kill my cough at night when I'm sleeping. The cats needed more num-nums (canned food), Ron needed groceries, and I was itching for a trip to Walmart.

I have never gone shopping on Black Friday. I worked it a few times and the shifts were hellish. So, a decade after I got out of the retail game Ron and I decided, we're going in. We decided on 6 AM to 7:30. It's early, but not the 5AM early-bird-special-sale early. The regular sleepins are going to wait until later to come in. It ought to work.

So, for the first time in a week I donned something other than a nightgown. Remember my pants falling off? They kept trying to do it today, too. It got kind of embarrassing.

Our ride was a little late picking us up but I was ready and waiti…


I wanted to like it. I really did. I saw the ads on TV and I was filled with hope... Disaster prepardness website. For Texas. Don't be stupid, be ready. That's my motto, but you get the point. You know me, and if you don't I'm easy to know. Read my posts, I'm WYSIWYG (What you see is what you get). An opinionated woman.

I really commend the Department of Human Services. It's a wonderful idea. But it's incredibly clunky, cumbersome, and slow (for me on dialup). It takes over two minutes to load each page, each page has a checklist with maybe 8 or 9 items? Come on!

So far, I've had everything except the plastic sheeting, and I could use garbage bags in a pinch for that. Let's see if two cat carriers (one per animal) and 7 extra pounds of cat food is adequate. Yup, I even have the "current photo" - and Ron and I plan to have the boys microchipped as well.


But it's not a total dud. It …

A hobby is a lot better than a mania

It's obvious by now, if you've been following me (or you know me) that I have a lot of varied interests. One of the saddest things about my hobbies and interests was the way my disease perverted them.

I don't mean I did perverted things with a ginger root, I mean I couldn't not think about them. I would obsess over every little crumb of detail. I'd spend way more money than I could afford on supplies, only to watch them gather dust as I crashed into another doorbuster depression.

It's nice to rediscover my old freinds again, with my new freinds (the mood stabilizers) on board. I bought a used copy of the Herbal PDR. I had one in California but it got lost in the move. I wish-listed a few more herbal books at Alibris. I intend to buy my own bottle of Olive Leaf, some Panothetic acid, and maybe some powdered vitamin C. And that's it. How pleasant and peaceful! I could get used to this! I can just enjoy my interest without it dominating my every tho…

I think Tom Cruise is a lousy actor and I don't find him cute

I'm an X-generation heretic. I think Tom Cruise is a lousy actor and I don't find him cute. He's too smug, it makes me want to kick his butt. Not kiss it. I think Nicole Kidman has more talent in her baby toe than he could hope to get in his whole life. I also feel sorry for his poor girlfriend, trapped into his cult crap. Sad for her. He, I see as a pathetic, weak, overblown ego. I've been meaning to share that; I'd rather date the elephant man.

As a teenager, my tastes were an obvious lead-up to the man I married. My biggest crush had a receding hairline, paunch, and bad knees but he was so kind and sweet. My Secret Admirer? He had a cleft palate and loved the fact that I saw him. One of my best friends had cerebal palsy with quadraparesis (all limbs were weak), but he was smart and funny. I loved Sean Connery, but my favorite actor ever was: Fred Dryer. He was definitely rugged-looking. It was just one of those visceral things. I think Denzel Wa…