Showing posts from August, 2015


I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I even tried taking an antihistamine, which made me manic.  Counterproductive. 

About 8 PM, I put my rice pot on a timer, and filled with a half cup brown rice mixture (a mixture of brown rice and whole grains I got at the Vietnamese grocery, delicious), a quarter cup of lentils, and a cup and a half of water.  I used a little salt but nothing else. 

I set it to start cooking at 1, pushed the ON button, and laid in bed for hours trying to sleep. 

I finally fell asleep.  I'm having dreams, pretty much every night, about "leaving" on a one-way journey, which I assume relate to the rapture.  I have never dreamt of anything with such frequency. 

Do I think they are Holy Visions of some sort?  No.  Maybe God is talking to me, maybe it's just my way of expressing my hope I do get raptured soon.  At any rate they aren't bad dreams.  I can remind myself, during the dream, "I'm having the dream" and manage it. 


Don't feed the drivers.

I found this one alarming. 

This morning Ron made a big production out of "forgiving" me.  Part of his little speech involved telling me how "crushed" or destroyed, some similar word, he had been.  How it was a "good thing" I was sorry for it (I never apologized) because he would "hate to have to crush you, too". 



I couldn't wait to get out of there.  I was already 90% out the door.  I knew, however, Ron would get angry about the garbage.  I was in the middle of trying to figure that out when he woke up. 

1.  He doesn't want me to take the trash out when he's sleeping, because it "wakes him up".  Fine.  I don't want to wake anyone up. 

2.  He wants me to "clean up" which involves generating trash. 

3.  He gets angry when I "fill up the garbage can and make more work for him".  He is a little OCD in his trash disposal.  He was incredibly upset he couldn't put his…

Without me

I realized something today. 

Ron's a big talker.  Big mouth, big talk, I don't want you in my life.  You're everything bad.  You're the reason I hate God. 

Yet, today, he couldn't even find his way to the bus stop, without my assistance.  I still have to guide him, over a year after they finished the expansion. 

Because he can't even find the "door" without me.

Not to play

I would never allow Ron near a child of mine.  It would kill me if my son treated his wife the way Ron treated me, or my daughter emulated my relationship with Ron.  

Earlier today, Ron complained he'd have to wait on drinking, if we went out tonight.  "Going out" in my experience, is generally a quick fast food hamburger. 

I'm happy with that, my love language is quality time.  I was happy.

We came home at about 6.  Ron immediately went to drinking and occupies the whole kitchen when he does, sitting on his walker.  I had to ask him to move so I could throw away the junk mail, and he took his drink with him.

It's generally BAD when he sits in the kitchen, on his mobility device, whatever it is, drinking.  Sure enough he started trying to pick fights.  I didn't respond.  He said something about how I had "offended" him so many times, and he was tired of forgiving me 7 times 77.

Many years ago, when we started dating, Ron asked me to please corre…

Butt Soda Explosion

Youtube, apparently hates my video camera, the microphone, or both.  Hecho en Chine. 

I did not sleep well last night, I barely had the energy for a shower this morning.  I staggered off to the store, Ron and the rolling ice chest in tow. 

The "shop" was pretty unexceptional.  They were out of Sprite, again.   When I was a kid, I used to love Sprite.  Sorry,  customers, I tried. 

My cashier took her sweet time ringing me up, but she was accurate and didn't abuse the merchandise.  A gay cart attendant helped me load the truck. 

I don't care who he sleeps with, he did a good job.  I later dealt with a gay customer.  It was just my day for the gay, black, man.  They walked away happy, so I guess I did a good job. 

We got to work.  Ron was whining about being thirsty.  I finally told him "Look, I'm the one unloading this truck, and you want a cold soda?"  He said he wanted it anyway.  He told me later he had eaten some very salty chicken last night (someth…

I sure liked him

"That's not suspicious at all" I sniped, as the customer in front of us finally left.  She'd attempted to use a debit card without knowing the pin number.  She must have "borrowed" it, at one point she was asked if she had used it in a successful transaction and said "It's not mi-" before stopping herself. 

That was yesterday, at Walmart.  I forgot to mention that. 

The cats are good, Gravy just came by to say hello.  They've been wanting more canned food, which I'm happy to provide. 

Nausea is still pretty bad.  I think the aspirin I'm taking for my headaches irritates my stomach, and the meds come along and aggravate it.  I'm chugging a lot of pepto. 

I read recently I can cook lentils in a rice cooker.  I have a rice cooker.  I'm thinking it might be interesting to try cooking lentils + rice in the cooker, on a timer.  That, I can do.  It won't hurt the lentils to soak a bit, either. 

I plan to try, at least. 

We wen…

The last stop on Veteran's

We were supposed to work last night; but Ron decided he would rather stay home and drink.  No one knew of our plan. 

I thought it would be fun for the night shift to see us for a change.  Yes, probably a little drama but overall fun, I thought.  It's good for the customers to see us working.  They like to know we work to provide their snacks, and their snacks make a living for us, too. 

I thought it would be best to keep Ron busy, so we went to Walmart in the morning.  We didn't have very long but it got us out of the house.  I let him know I was still significantly depressed, and he knows it's better to keep me busy. 

I got my shower, and God time, both days, so yay me.  I even stripped the bed and washed the sheets and bedspread. 

For me, that's monumental. 

Ron "tries" to start drinking after 12, but not on his day off.  He'll start the minute he gets up on our day off.  However, we were working, right? 

I will admit the idea appealed - if we worked, R…

Flaming Hoops

I didn't sleep well last night.  Probably a combination of neuro-wierdness and too many caffeinated painkillers. 

I woke up around 4.  Ron was awake.  I told him I really didn't feel like going to Walmart (now that's a statement).  He agreed and cancelled the trip. 

I went back to bed and woke up around 7:30.  I did my God Time, ate, and watched some TV.  I wrote a blog, I talked to my aunt on the phone.  I took a nap.  When I woke up, Ron was up. 

I was treated to quite the spectacle.  Ron chugging on a huge bottle of whiskey (I think), holding it in his mouth for a while, and then spitting it into a cup full of ice. 

Years ago, I made the mistake of telling him most alcohol is absorbed through the mouth.  He had me do research, and I told him.  On the plus side, he never has any gum disease issues, like I do. 

He accepts it when I tell him his "two sips" (two mouthfuls he means) really equal eight ounces (it measures that on the plastic cup), and nearly FOUR &q…

Why didn't he stay dead?

First of all, I'm going to share some assumptions I have, about you. 

You are an intelligent person.  You are a compassionate person. 

However, I may have the odd reader, who's neither.  This post is for you.  The "quality" can shake your heads at this, with me. 

We have televisions at work.  If you live in America, you know the personal injury lawyers aggressively advocate in television commercials, for clients.  They talk about the big settlements they've won for their clients, and how they'll get one for you, too. 

Wouldn't that be nice? 

As you probably know, my husband was run over by a careless driver, about 13 years ago.  He sustained many severe injuries, died at the scene, and was eventually revived.  He has lifelong damage as a result of his accident. 

Texas law is strict: if you injure someone, they cannot go after your personal income, or home.  They can really only go after your insurance company.  If you have minimal insurance, they get a mi…

Code 2

"This is going to be really funny" I moaned "When I put this on my blog." 

I woke up with a migraine.  Vicious, excruciating, bitch of a migraine.  At that point, I could take my generic headache pills, so I did, noting the time.  I washed them down with a very cold diet soda. 

I figured God would understand if I waited on my God Time.  Still haven't got there yet. 

I did take a shower, hoping the heat would help.  It didn't, much. 

We went to work.  The migraine progressed.  I almost fell on the floor in agony when Ron asked me to bring him a case of soda.  I "made" him get his own drinks after that.  I verbally directed him. 

I was unhappy to see a request for "The hot, fresh, cafeteria food we were promised".  You have microwaves.  You have 10 restaurants within a mile of the plant.  No one ever promised a deli.  The former plant manager (for a reason), said "I will try to see about getting some hot food in here".  That is v…

New Guy

Number 6 has been OK.  They still run their sprinkler every night, against my siding, but I'm not having the hysterics I was, a few years ago.  The way I figure, their dog probably peed on my siding, a lot, and it could use a good wash. 

If they aren't back to school yet it starts Monday.  I'm sleeping, that's all I care about. 

Number 2 may be breaking his lease, though.  I saw a man "visiting" on Monday.  I didn't really pay attention.  I noticed a new car in the driveway.  They have 3 drivers but 4 cars?  I wasn't sure about that, either.  I did see the new guy around for a few days, though. 

When we come home, we round a corner and go down the street.  #2's on the corner. 

We cane home and, as we turned the corner, I got a look at the New Guy.  He was literally looking down his nose at us, sneering, with a condescending expression. 

I shook my head, as we pulled into our driveway.  He went into the house. 

I had to tell Ron about it, and we ha…

I'm tired

What a day. 

Last night, I slept fine, when I fell asleep. 

I woke up exhausted, told God He knew He was my favorite deity, I would catch Him later, and went back to sleep.  I took my shower and dressed in my hot weather heavy labor gear - sport bra, microfiber "wicking" t-shirt, and my bermuda shorts.  Quarter crew socks, and my slip on steel toed loafers completed the outfit. 

Out to the door.  The shopping trip was fairly uneventful.  They did have my customer's favorite cookie - a vanilla sandwich cookie, in a tube - they get several cookies for my price of 75 cents.  I pay a reasonable food cost.  I bought 5 cases.  They'll be gone in a week. 

They were out of black tea in the bottles, not great but we'll live.  God knows they love the green tea! 

Our guy came and got us, we loaded the truck off down the road.  I yelled his name as I saw the dog in the road, but it was too late. 

I could hear, and feel, the truck going over the poor thing at probably 40 mph…

Can't wait to get manic

I'll do a longer blog tomorrow. 

Both Ron and I were pretty depressed today, barely made it to work.  I had a good time with the customers but otherwise exhausted. 

We came home, I took a nap.  Torbie had a lot of fun pawing at my face, with claws extended.  I hope I don't get an infection.  When I got up I did my God Time and got online for a bit. 

I did bathe, do my God time, and work.  I probably need to clean the litter boxes.  Everyone has been fed and watered, including Ron. 

Ron once swore he would never drink before 12.  He has consistently broken that rule at every opportunity.  If I were "trying" to keep him sober I'd keep him out of the house all day. 

Anyway: depressed.  Can't wait to get manic.

Watching Ron Drink

Today was pretty mixed.  I slept in, it rained... heavily.  We had some minor flooding. 

I did my God Time and decided I didn't want to sit around the house, watching Ron drink.  Last week was just horrific

The bus system is free this week, as they've made huge changes.  My local bus now goes from the mall (several miles past the former end of the line), to downtown, past all my Bible Handout locations. 

It also connects to:
Airport bus/downtown
Work bus/NE Houston (might be good for a Handout at some point)
Airline bus/medical center
1960 bus (1960 is a huge shopping area, you can find everything from acupuncture to Half Price Books). 

However, how does it connect?  I need to know.  If I am in crisis, Ron's kept me up all night, and I'm going to work, I need to know where to wait on my bus! 

The rain came down. 

The last time I wore sneakers on a day like today, I ended up with moldy shoes.  I took out the insoles and lifted up the tongues, but I couldn't get th…

God is my family

God has been my steadfast; my whole life. 

When I lay in my crib, neglected, filthy, and starving, He was there.  When my Dad remarried, He was there.  When my knight in shining armor turned out to be a cheating alcoholic, God was there (Ron cheated, more than once, in the years we lived together before our marriage). 

My family has been a disappointment: I wanted my Dad to be more cuddly and sensitive, but I have my own theories on that I will share after he dies.  I do my best to accept Dad where he is, as a result. 

My birthmother maimed me for life, neglected me to a criminal extent, and ran off when she found out I was disabled.  Oddly enough, though, the best thing she ever did was get the hell out of my life.  From what I have seen of those who had more time with her, she left a lot of scars. 

My sister, at a very vulnerable moment, was sucked into a cult.  After that, her primary focus was proselytizing, because, by her own words "It's my fondest dream that you join

Family isn't blood

I'm going to write about this in the hopes it helps someone else. 

It may get me in hot water, depending on readership; but I feel it's worth it. 

I have been more than a little depressed, and angry, about my family.  I feel I was shorted in so many ways.

It's bad enough my mother disabled me, then ran off when she found she had.  No, I wasn't molested.  I had the basics, sort of.  It would take a very long post to clarify.   Example, we had plenty of (nonfat) milk, but when I drank it, my stepmother used to make comments about "my weight" and say I would "end up as big as a barn".  I was a 100 pound, 5 foot 7, teenager.  I was 20 pounds, or 20% underweight, yet she was constantly making comments on how I'd get fat, I had to be careful, etc. 

Teenagers are supposed to drink a lot of milk, at least a quart a day!  

Amusing: now that I AM fat, she doesn't say a word.  Not to my face!  Not that I would accept it, anyway. 

Anyway, I have a cou…

Sad, sad, sad

Sometimes I trip over past injustice. 

This morning I woke up, wracked with miserable cramps, a terrible headache in pursuit.  Ugh. 

Why can't I have a nice day off, once in a while?  It's always stupid drama, headaches, cramps, or [censored] up moods!  Agh! 

Anyway, the cramps took forever to abate, even after the painkiller.  I believe this will be one of my "Horrible cramps, terrible heavy flow, but pretty much done in a single day" cycles. 

Ron and I went out to breakfast.  On the way, I handed out two Bibles, to delighted recipients.  That made me very happy. 

I was feeling rather broody as I sat over my pancaked.  "Did I ever tell you about the painkillers, whenever I had my period?"  

Ron gave a mock scream of terror.  He has heard enough about my past to make him bald, if he wasn't already.  "No!" 

I reminded him, how I had gotten severely depressed.  It was Not Helped by a workplace shooting at my Dad's office, which pretty much …


"We really won the lotto on drivers today" I told Ron, with sarcasm.  He agreed. 

First: I had to take a lot of caffeine due to my migraine, yesterday (as it turns out, it was my "Hey, you started your cycle!" migraine).  It kept me up very late, and I only got about 4 hour's sleep. 

Odd but true, if I am to be shorted on my sleep, I do better if I only get 4 hours or so.  I wake up pretty energized.  If I sleep 6 hours, I am very groggy.  8-10 hours is best, of course. 

I got up, did my God Time, and took a short shower.  I always get ready early. 

Good thing, 20 minutes before the pickup time the driver's banging on my door like I owe her money.  I told her we were coming, finished eating, and took my pills. 

Thank God she didn't honk.  I don't want to be the asshole neighbor waking everyone else.  

She saw one of the cats.  I could tell she doesn't like cats, but plenty don't.  I didn't hold that against her. 

Ron came out of the hou…

Bus system rollout day

I woke up with a ghastly headache.  Migraine. 

I limped through my God Time and opted out of a shower.  I was worried the heat would make the headache mad. 

No Wellbutrin.  That, plus a migraine, equals vomiting. 

So, I'm puking migraine depressed, instead of just the last two. 

It was New Bus System Rollout Day.  I really wanted to go exploring.  Ron had teased me about it. 

"How would you feel if you got your sight back, a license, and a set of car keys?"  He laughed. 

I watched a little TV and went back to bed.  I had a dream.  I was whining about my problems, and Sig from Deadliest Catch was giving me a very encouraging pep talk. 

I woke up about the time Ron did.  I talked to him for a while and decided to go ride the bus. 

Did I mention all rides are free, for the week?   I felt VERY odd leaving my bus pass at home. 

I had planned to go to a rather iffy area, so I left pretty much everything except my self defense items, cash, and my house keys (on a self defense k…