Showing posts from 2014

New Year's Eve

Depression came. 

[sigh]  I'll do a year in review blog tomorrow. 

I feel cheated.  My mania was stolen.  I was morphed into an evil, evil, person.  No one seems to have noticed but I'm good at fronting. 

I am a little worried about getting sick.  Everyone, from deliverymen, repairman, and the other vendor's "main guy" have ALL been sick.  They've all been around me. 

Interestingly enough, the drivers have been healthy.  I have various non-drowsy remedies for them, should they ever need them. 

I've also put it out on the grapevine at work - I have headache tablets (generic excedrin).  People are happy to hear it but I haven't had any takers.  I'm not permitted (literally) to sell remedies but I can certainly give them away. 

I get a lot of headaches and I know how they suck.  I wouldn't want to know I could have helped someone, but didn't.  

I also have some hard ginger candy drops for upset stomach - a lot of that, at work.  Twice this y…

I see God working in him

Ron shouted at me yesterday because he felt I made a "stupid" mistake.  It wasn't that simple, he failed to communicate what he wanted and I didn't remember our inventory. 

Anyway, today at work, while stocking a machine, he suddenly stopped dead and turned to me.  "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday" he said, his face full of regret.  "Stupid brain injury, but that's no excuse.  I shouldn't have yelled at you.  Will you forgive me?" 

Of course I did. 

I've said this before: I see God working in him. 

Who's to say

Today was a little rough. 

I got to sleep until 6, took my shower, (God Time later), and went to the warehouse.  We got a few things, went to work, and stocked.  Sales are, as expected, dead. 

Happily Ron and I can live cheap, and we can use a little time off. 

I was NOT happy when I left our area and was confronted with a huge photo of the EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: the man who ran over my husband.  I had to look at him smirking at the camera.  It is a large photo. 

It is, unfortunately, right next to the doors to the lunchroom, so I'm stuck looking at him for the duration. 

Like I said, Not Happy.  Am I pissed?  No.  More hurt at constant reminders of the worst pain in my life (Ron isn't the only one who suffered), reminders that the guy "got away with it" - walking around with everything working, never charged (because the officer stole money from Ron as he lay in the road), driving an even bigger truck now, still just as bad a driver (he almost took out the other bli…


Ron's been terrorizing the thermostat for a while, hitting it.  It is now currently pulled out and taped back on the wall, sideways. 

Ron has been drinking since we got home from work, and decided to call Rick the Electrician.  Rick has helped us with some small jobs around the house, over the years.  Kitchen light fixture.  Ceiling fan.  Bad outlet.  That kind of thing. 

The [shrug] usual small household electrical jobs. 

Ron finally called Rick to work on the thermostat.  It shouldn't take much.  I think it just needs to be taken off and remounted.  It does work, it just has an intermittent connection. 

I just wish Ron had waited on the drinking.  He's a little ornery. 

I have to remind myself I don't need to be embarrassed.  Am *I* acting appropriately?  If I am, then I should have no shame.  If Ron is acting badly, I remind myself, it only makes him look bad.  I don't have to receive the embarrassment, etc. 

A good example.  We went to the warehouse after work.…

Video blog

I worked an 11 hour day, this was part of it: 

Part 2:

Fish you

Ugh, it's nice to feel a little better. 

[shaking my fist] Curse you fish oil!  Fish you! 

Ron has been pretty awesome.  We went to lunch with my aunt and uncle and he swore he really didn't notice any changes in my mood. 

"Maybe" I shared "I'm better at masking my symptoms than I thought."  

I slept in and woke up around 8 with a mild headache.  Half asleep, I took some Excedrin.  Not a bright idea when I'm manic. 

However, I was winding down so I was OK.  I couldn't sleep anymore.  I finished "A Street Cat Named Bob".  It's a very sweet book.  James, Bob's human, certainly went through the wringer.  So did Bob! 

I took my shower and did part of my God Time.  My thoughts weren't in a place where I felt my prayers would be worthwhile. 

I downloaded a couple of books (one free, one $3) to my Kindle.  I'll have some good reading for a while now.  I could tell I wasn't really manic when "just" two books sou…

Brains in the blender

A week of having snarling pitbulls in my head, frayed to the last nerve, extremely irritable, helpless, accellerated, volatile, and just plain evil.... I finally figured it out. 

Curse you fish oil!  This all started when you did!  Oh!  I could have saved myself all of that, and looking like an ass in front of the neighbors, online, etc. 

Ron, however, says, complete sincerity in his voice "You weren't that bad.  You had all that going on?  I had no idea."  I feel he was just being too generous but he doesn't lie about my moods. 

Oh, I am exhausted.  Absolutely exhausted.  Not more than a little embarrassed as well, and terrified.  It is so easy to mess me up. 

A simple over the counter remedy, heartburn pills, second generation antihistamines, anti-nausea drugs, all of it can put my brains in the blender.  People wonder why I "don't take anything" for the migraines - the most common drug makes me freak out, too. 

I can't even take Excedrin because …

Make it stop!

Today was just awful. 

I'll start with the icepick at my brainstem, waking me up around midnight.  Oh, it was hellish.  I was already manic and not sleeping well after telling the neighbors to stay out of my yard (again!). 

Unlike my typical migraine, this one started right under my occipital bone, right above my spinal cord.  For a minute I wondered if I had another health problem. 

When I had good health insurance, and a lot of migraines, they used to to the "headache neuro check" to make sure I wasn't having an infectious process, or a stroke.  I ran through that really quick and realized I had nothing to worry about. 

I laid in bed for a while, battling, my thoughts roaring like a waterfall.  The mania was as bad as the headache, which rated as a good 8 on a 1-10. 

Why didn't I go to the hospital?  Obscene copays.  And this ain't my first rodeo.  I have had hundreds of migraines in my life, especially lately, thank you menopause. 

I can't imagine anyt…

Some clarification on my sister

Sorry.  I'm not always coherent when manic.  Too many thoughts flying around. 

She was 16 when I was born.  Because our mother was completely unfit, at some point she left school for a while to care of us both. 

She got involved in a cult about that time.  I have witnessed classic cult behavior and recruiting techniques when around her "church".  They even got to decide if she "could" divorce her husband, the word "shunned" was used, etc. 

You should have seen her elder freak when I mentioned free Bible handouts and ghetto evangelism.  He began babbling some "holy mumble" and ran off. 

So, she left school briefly (she did not drop out FOREVER to care for me and even if she had, that's on our mother, not me), the truant officer caught on to the home situation quickly, and basically as a result of that, and some other things, my parents marriage broke up. 

Everyone agrees my mother left my Dad, who kept me and my sister, even though she is…

Gifts I've gotten

I saw some presents online, things bought for children. 

It reminded me of presents I was given as a child.  When my Dad met my adoptive Mom, I was a short haired little girl in overalls.  While she had a civilizing influence, I still remained a "tomboy" by most standards, short hair, active play, and while I enjoyed a doll now and then I didn't dream of them. 

Fitting for a woman who'd never have children.  For future reference Mom refers to my adoptive mother.  I don't have a single Christmas memory of my birth mother.  I guess she was *busy*, God knows Dad allowed generous visitation. 

One relative, Mom's former mother in law, was pretty wealthy.  Of course her son was the black sheep, but by God she would gift his children.  She always bought me something as well.  I was a girl.  So, I got a (I was told very expensive regular play) doll every year.  I would write her a lovely thank you letter, thank you so much for the doll, I love it...and Mom would qui…

This one took forever to type.

Christmas eve.

I went to Walmart (just for fun), looked around for a little bit.  Ron did need Tylenol and I wanted some Cal-mag-zinc.  I got some other things and we headed off to work.

Why working on Christmas eve, evening?  The party.   

#6 has had some very loud Christmas eve parties.  It is apparently a tradition for the ignorant, in Mexico, to have a loud, drunken, all-night party.  Let the kids run wild, scream, and cry... yell, wake up the neighbors, keep up the neighbors, play very loud polka music, even though everyone around you is completely silent every day of the year, so YOU can sleep.

If he was gearing up for one, I really didn't want to sit around for it.  I'd rather work.

I couldn't work all night, and there was a pretty good chance he wouldn't have a wild party with a newborn in the house, but I braced myself.

When we got home, their car was gone and they didn't come home until very late.  They must have attended a party at another family membe…

The best tools

Manic yesterday, depressed today. 

I attribute a lot of that to something that happened yesterday.  I caught the remodel manager, and a construction worker, measuring outside our stockroom.  The manager made a big point of ensuring the worker measured the outside of our stockroom.  Why would you do that?  We need access! 

I worry it goes to the whole deli issue.  No postal facility in America has hot food, save Maryland, which has a donut shop contract. They only got that because of the anthrax. 

However, people always want what they don't have.  They want wi-fi.  They wanted flatscreen TVs.  When they got them, they wanted "better" cable packages and more televisions.  Now they want them in every breakroom.  The manager bought a couple of Keurig coffee makers.  Now they want them in other breakrooms.  They have a huge locker room with thousands of nice lockers.  But people want the upper locker. 

Even though they have a dozen hot food locations within a mile of the p…

I want

I worry. 

I worry it looks like I want Ron out of my life - that's actually the last thing I want.  I worry about his health.  I worry about his safety.  I want to have him in my life. 

I want other things; I want the husband I saw today, every day.  Every minute.  The warm, loving, generous man.  The man who can make me laugh like a hyena, even after 22 years. 

I want the man who values my contributions.  He doesn't have to worship me, but a sincere word of appreciation, now and then - without an abusive counterpoint - really makes my day. 

I know that man exists.  I see him. I love him.  That's the man who keeps me married. 

Ron has issues, and drinking, and a head injury on top like some kind of godforsaken cherry.  He can be very difficult to love at times. 

But I see the man I love, the kindly boss, the loving companion, the interesting man who took me to lunch at the restaurant chain where we met. 

And I miss him when he's gone.

"Don't ever let him cry"

I have a little story to tell you. 

First, I am getting manic so I can handle just about anything.  Thank God - although I had a good day. 

Anyway, Ron's mother, a Catholic, was pregnant.  She had 3 living children and several miscarriages.  The doctors (in the 50's!) offered to perform an abortion, as they were deeply worried about her health.  She said no. 

Ron was both with congenital glaucoma.  He looked so awful they have no baby photos.  When they were presented with him, they were told "Don't ever let him cry.  Crying raises eye pressure.  If he cries, he'll go blind." 

I can hear collective groans around the world.  Ron could do anything.  Boundaries?  None.  Absolutely none.  His brother could earn money doing chores for a neighbor, buy a treat, and would be forced to share it if Ron whined. 

After hearing all that, I wasn't really shocked they dumped us so quick after the accident.  Had I not been 17, "crazy", with brain damage (in a r…

By reason of...

When I ran off with Ron, I was escaping an abusive household.  I had limited opportunities, I loved Ron, and I saw him as a knight come to save me. 

Let's just say I had an attitude adjustment.  He used to threaten to "send me back to my family" when he felt I had "misbehaved".  I am not proud of some of the things I did to prevent that. 

Back then, he was "only" blind.  However, we supported each other financially. 

One time, he lost his ham radio, blamed me, and said I had to move out because I was "careless with his things".  We went back to the same spot a week later and found a man who handed over the radio, telling Ron "I saw you leave it on the bench, and I didn't want someone to steal it." 

Ron, not in the least abashed, recanted his move-out request.  Time passed.   Ron had 3 affairs, during this time frame.  That I know of. 

We moved to Texas.  I had a good paying job and could support myself.  Ron only had a disabil…

Instead of derision

Today I lost it. 

"I am sick of your tirades.  I am sick of your lectures.  I am sick of your name calling!"
I don't do that. 
"You called me a stupid bitch on Saturday". 
You're not supposed to keep track of that stuff.  I don't believe you anyway. 
"Do you want me to keep a journal?  Because I will!"

1 Corinthians 13 says "love keeps no record of wrongs" so probably not Biblical.  However, it was supremely frustrating. 

Just stop messing up.  Ron told me.  "And I won't have to yell at you." 

That doesn't come from a place, or even a universe, of logic.  Which is why I have the blog.  I need a place of reason, logic, understanding, and empathy.  I need a place where my responders aren't trying to gaslight me and engage in other warfare tactics. 


Sometimes I do wonder, if Ron got a full mental workup, what they'd find.  As one poster agreed - clearly a personality diso…

What I think of the police

There's been a lot of talk about police shootings, things are polarized.  I wrote this on Facebook: 

Of all the people I know, I probably have the most "right" to hate the police.

A police officer robbed my husband as he lay dead in the road, after the accident, the paramedic working away. He also falsified the accident report, let the guy who ran over my husband "get away with it", and verbally attacked me when I questioned his version of events. He was vicious and stole everything we had to live on.

God will avenge us. I don't know what happened to the guy but God got me to forgiveness. I pity him now. 

You know what I think of when I hear "police"?

I think of the awesome policeman who drove me to the mall after I got mugged, because I missed my bus.

I think of Officer B (one of our local guys) who came out on a night I don't talk about, years ago, totally professional in a very ugly situation, and the nice lady from the Men…

Out through the bars

I didn't sleep well last night.  When I woke up, Ron was asleep. 

I did my shower and God Time.  Ron woke up; same old negativity. 

I found it interesting, on a Christian message board someone had posted this: 
For me the best advice to give to a professing Christian going through it is to tell them to work as hard as they can NOT to sin.... mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and monetary abuse. Same thing for yelling, screaming, fighting, lying, and any other plans for attack.

Sin.  Hm.  I need to hear that Ron is sinning (I am dead serious).  I mean, they could have been writing Ron out to the letter.

Anyway, I fought a rising tide of frantic desperation.  I felt trapped.  I had to get out!  I also recalled the recurring advice I'm given - go out and do something fun by myself. 

I felt like a prisoner, looking out through the bars.  

I was also pretty depressed.  I figured, where would I like to go?  What's the busiest place I can go?  That was easy.  Walmart. 

I …