Tuesday afternoon

Ron's alert, but feeling pretty poorly.   But, like I told him, he had a major neurological event.  

I haven't done much, I cleaned out the backpack, found the receipt for the paid off credit card bill, and stored that in a better place.  

Ron isn't very hungry but has had some lemonade.  I am sitting here, not very hungry, and wishing someone would come along and make me dinner.  That is not going to happen.  I will likely have a protein shake, which is why I buy them, for times like this.  

Ron is asleep which I hear is the best thing.  If last time is any indicator he will be OK in a day or two.  I would rather not take him out, anyway.  

I will check the mail in about 2 hours, I have high hopes "something" fun will come soon.  My new credit card (not that I'm going to rack up a lot of spending), etc.  I think I am going to work on the bed.  

 I had to chase Cleo off the bed, but I got it stripped down to the mattress.  I took off the vinyl fitted sheet, I suspect it is really aggravating those hot flashes.  I will just take my chances with stains.  I laid a flat queen sheet on it, to provide a little protection.  Sheets are in the wash, soaking and then I will run a cycle.  I have asked Ron to let me know when he feels up to getting in the wheelchair, I will strip his bed and make it with a draw sheet.  That will make it easier to move him in bed.  

But I'm not going to rush him.  One thing my niece told me having a seizure takes a lot out of you.  She has them, my mother did as well.  I always figured of the two of us, Ron and I, I would be the one with this problem.  But nope, it's him.  

Probably better, can you imagine having a seizure in the middle of Walmart and then someone steals your purse in the chaos?  It would be horrible.  

So I will see what he wants for dinner.  I am a little scared to offer him the protein shake as he had that about 45 minutes before the seizure.  I guess I will offer some split peas.  

I will probably have some canned beans with my protein shake.  I think I am going to do that now.   Done, I had half a can of "mixed chili beans" and a dairy based protein shake.  

I got Ron out of bed and made it.  Good, I need to wash that sheet before it crawls off on us.  

Tuesday morning

I did not sleep well last night and Ron was out of it this morning.  I didn't think much of it until he had the seizure.  

I checked the time and it lasted less than a minute.  He came around pretty quick and asked for a wet washcloth and a fan (he always gets overheated).  Per docs, he is now an epileptic.  You get the first seizure for free but the second gets you the label.  

I stood there and made sure he didn't fall out of bed, got his leg off the bookcase (he did a high kick), prayed over him.  He's going to be sore later.  

It was ironic I had just finished my God Time and played "Run Devil Run" I guess the devil didn't like that.  Ron stopped twitching and began snoring for a few minutes, then he woke up and wanted a washcloth.  I turned a couple fans on him because 1. he asked and 2. he got hot and sweaty.  I called my parents and my aunt but did not post on Facebook.  I did let my caregiver group know.  

Dad was really impressed I was so calm but God gives me what I need.  I am going to have Ron call his primary and update him.  He is a nice doctor, concerned, and seems very competent.  Ron may need medication although once every 3 months isn't too bad.  

I had thought to go to Walmart today but am going to wait on that.  I just don't feel comfortable leaving him today.  

He hasn't wanted much, wet washcloth, fan, some lemonade (after he was about an hour out and very alert), turn off one fan as he cooled down.  He was pretty alarmed as he woke up so I kept telling him he had a seizure.  He is sleeping now.  

I am sad he has a new medical condition but I won't really treat him any differently.  I gave him a protein shake this morning with a vitamin before the seizure.  Hope that didn't do it.  We will see if Doc wants to prescribe anything for him when Ron wakes up.  

That's it for the morning, hopefully the afternoon is boring.  

Monday afternoon

So Doc's office texted me we were going over the phone today.  He called Ron early and did that.  

I had gotten the bed bath done and had just applied the deodorant when that happened.  

I made sure Ron was settled, after his appointment, and went to work.  I did the work things.  

"Something" told me to check and see if "our" branch was open yet, it was not.  So I had to go to the same branch I went to on Saturday.  I had the same teller, even, she was very nice, competent, and professional.  She managed the transaction accurately, I got the deposit managed and my pay.  

Then I came home.  Ron was fine.  It reassures me when I find him in good condition.  

I had a snack, took my morning pills.  I had not taken them this morning due to headache, yet again.  It was better by then so I took them.  

Taking an antidepressant when I have a protomigraine will flip it into a full blown episode of nausea and vomiting, along with stricken and miserable.  So I am careful.  

Now, mood stabilizer I am diligent to take that as they have never aggravated a headache but if I have to wait a few hours on the antidepressant I will do it.  

I laid down, couldn't nap.  I got up.  The yard guy came by.  Ron and I did some work from home business.  I called the pharmacy.  

Oh, forgot to mention I signed and mailed the consent form so my aunt can make appointments for me.  I don't care if she knows about my psychiatric care.  She has gotten a big eyeful of my brain over the years anyway.  This will allow her to make appointments for me, as she has a much busier schedule.  

So, did that, yay, me.  

Did the deposit to cover the soda delivery, yay me.  Called in soda order, they got it (Ron checked) 30 cases just like I ordered.  Yay.  You get the idea.  

I worked on my Walmart list.  I plan to go the next couple days.  Cats are good, Torbie is sleeping with Ron.  

I am hoping I get something fun today but we will see.  That's it for now.  

Monday morning

Still working on the hot flashes, woke up in the middle of the night with a bad one, so I got up for a while.  I slept OK when I got back to bed but my bed felt stuffy and suffocating.  I have 100% cotton sheets so that is not the problem.  

I haven't heard any good reviews on those cooling mattress pads otherwise I might consider buying one.  I got up, did not do my God Time (will later), took a shower, got Ron cleaned up and about to dress him when the pain doctor texted us they would be calling today instead of having him come in for the appointment.  

That changed things.  I had Ron call the bank and verify he had enough money to get me on my errands today, once we settle with the pain doctor.  I am not paying to go to work, I'm just not.  He said he did and I'm happy.  

My plan, once he's settled, go to work, mail my consent form so my aunt can make my psych appointments (she is a lot busier than I am), stock, do an inventory, call in the soda delivery, run some errands, and come home.  

Tuesday will likely be spent going to Walmart.  That's it.  But today will be busy.  

I woke up with a headache and took something, stayed around 200 mg caffeine so far.  I have been doing about 500 mg but I will have some soda at work.  That will likely get me up around 300 mg total.  Plan is to taper off to zero at least some days of the week.  

I read a really sad thing in my menopause group, a woman was finally ready to try for kids and she is in menopause.  She was really broken up about it, and another woman said she had the same problem.  

I was telling Ron, other races have children when they are young but whites tend to wait until their late 30's, early 40's to try for kids.  And a lot of times they do not get the kids.  But they are so fertile in their 20's and 30's they have to use birth control.  

I haven't had any blood tests but I have a series of very normal symptoms for early/mid menopause.  And I am OK with it I didn't want kids.  I wanted them in the right situation, where I had an awesome upbringing and had a bank of good data on how to be a loving parent; I had a loving, supportive spouse; neither of us had genetic issues.  I mean, just the mental illness is a horrible deal killer.  It is RAMPANT in both sides of my family I would never put that on a child.  

I seem to have gotten all of it for my generation, to my knowledge no one else my age in the family has any issues other than some very normal emotional issues re: childhood, later life divorce, and a felony assault on the family member.  I believe that one is in therapy.  Who wouldn't?  But bipolar with schizo like I have?  As far as I know I'm it. 

I am not a geneticist but it seems to me the crazy one is going to have afflicted offspring.  And I'm not putting that on any child EVER it is a horrible burden.   If it had just been a chance of a blind child, that's one thing (Ron's contribution) but mentally ill, like that?  No, never.  

If I did get pregnant somehow I would have it but I would always worry.  

At any rate I need to get going for work.  

See, I put an end to that

Ron started talking about day trading again so I sicced my Dad on him.  I told Ron it was only wise to consult with someone who had been a wise investor, and my family has a history of managing their money.  Ron agreed so he talked to my Dad, it was very respectful.  

Now, I never call Dad on a Sunday, so, when he picked up, I told him everything was fine, first, and then explained and gave the phone to Ron.  They talked for a couple of minutes and Ron doesn't want to do day trading anymore.  I knew it would work.  

Ron admires logic and my Dad is very logical.  So I'm glad that is all done.  

I need to figure out if I'm doing a snack before bed, I am thinking about it. 

I have had a pretty bad headache since I got up from my nap so I plan to do kettlebells first thing tomorrow, shower, and then do my God time ideally all before Ron wakes up.  

Ron did say some very nice things about me last night and today.  He says I give him a good life, which is nice to hear.  Ron also said my Dad had said some nice things about me when Ron complimented him on raising me.  That is nice to know.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

Part of me still wants to check the comments and then I remember some of the comments!  No thanks!  

I didn't sleep great Ron woke me up a few times needing help, but I do feel I am having fewer hot flashes.  The great thing for me, the herbs have no side effects and are very affordable.  If I really like the results I will put them on automatic delivery.  Menopause is a normal thing I just need to ride the wave.  

Ron gets the day off for a bath, and physical therapy, but I will give him his vitamin later.  

We had an interesting discussion last night when I was having him practice sitting up in bed (has become more difficult).  He asked why he had to do this.  

"Because I want to know you can get yourself to the toilet with no problem, when I am at Walmart".  Oh, he said.  

"That's my goal, I want you to move around comfortably".  I also mentioned if he couldn't do certain things that puts him at higher risk of a placement and none of us want that.  I want to feel comfortable leaving him to go to work or Walmart, because there are things I need to do out of the house.  

I don't think we're at the stage of needing a helper just yet, apparently there are a lot of listings on Nextdoor for people who can sit with a loved one or people who need helpers.  Ron is pretty easy overall but can use some help with a few things.  Like, someone to hold the wheelchair when he gets into it.  

But I will pray on that.  One thing the flood did was help me purge out my home, the theft of the valuables.  I really have nothing, anyone wants to steal.  I have a password on my computer.  I have the important papers in a secure place, although I doubt anyone wants my marriage license.  So I am actually OK having people here now I don't think I will get the hate I might have before.  I feel like the social worker could walk in any moment and be pleased.  I think I'm at a good level for housekeeping.  I sweep and mop regularly, lint brush the couches, do bedding on a regular basis, dishes, and clothes.  

I remember her voice as she asked did I do all the cooking, housekeeping, pet care, and Ron care.  Plus help him at work.  If something happens to me at least she knows what she has to replace.  

I talked to my parents last night, she thinks she might have been sick back in February.  It's possible; Dad is skeptical but the virus was all over the West coast back then.  

Do you know we call it the "Third Coast" in Houston?  East coast, West coats, Third coast.  I think that is cool.  Anyway some of their friends have gotten sick and died, but they are staying home.  

That's about all you can do right now, that and wear a mask.  Oh, I hate the mask.  So does Ron.   

I took a break and had some Cleo time, she likes to get up on the couch with me for petting and attention.  She finally ditched me for her food bowl.  

I try to focus on the person I am with (I count cats as persons), not get distracted by cell phone, computer, etc.  One reason I will not get a laptop, if someone sent me one I would use it but day to day I am happy with the desktop.  

But I was sitting on the couch petting her, not really making eye contact, and it got me thinking about that.  I don't make a lot of eye contact.  

I think part of that is just being neglected so severely as an infant.  There was no one around to interact or care for me, for long stretches of time.  That went on until I was 2 then I was put in daycare (they did not have infant daycare back then, at least not that my Dad could find).  But I think it did some damage.  

Here's a link

One aspect of that is eye contact.  I am just NOT good at it.  It is ironic I married a blind man and no eye contact with him, ever.  I look at his face when I talk to him, though.  He also needs me to "point" at his head so he can hear me better.  

He is snoring away right now, though.  

So I am not good at non verbal interaction, I think, I try to work on it but it is very hard to practice something that is seen as instinctual by others.  I'm not a serial killer and can 'pass" pretty well but I think it does limit me somewhat.  

But I am here and I feel, in spite of everything, I had a pretty decent childhood.  One thing I found so aggravating growing up all my problems were blamed on me having a "bad mommy".  Horrible mood swings?  Her fault.  Depressions?  Well, we did move cross country.  Manias?  Normal teenage ebullience.  I went to therapy - marriage counseling, with Ron back in 2005.  The therapist sat there and watched me on his couch several times, one time even remarked on my mood swings, was a PHD and never saw I was bipolar.  

No, I had a biochemical imbalance.  It is corrected now and I am very glad of it but I think when you play "Archeology and digging up the wounds of the past" you run a big risk of skipping the very big and obvious present issue.  

For instance, for most people my relationship with Ron is inconceivable.  Why would I stay?  How can I love him?  Well, I have a very different brain that says this is OK.  You don't, but you didn't have the Fetal Alcohol Brain damage, years of neglect, etc.  When I latch onto someone (and this could be a stalker issue as well) I have a hard time letting go.  So far that has only been with Ron.  And one reason I don't form bonds with others easily, because I have a very hard time bonding.  Once I am on your team it is very hard to get rid of me.  

That is one issue my sister had, she thought she could get in there and get me to shake Ron off like a tick, move in with her, and become her full time caregiver.  I remember one time she was having severe gastric troubles from over using antibiotics.  She got a very bad bout of C. diff. and went to the ER one night. The doctor said she was bad enough she might have to get a colostomy.  She was adamant she did not want one but told me repeatedly she wanted "someone" to be there for her in case she couldn't talk.  If she really felt that way I don't know why she got a divorce, that makes you more alone, not less.  But she directly attacked my marriage on many occasions and when it came time to choose I chose Ron.  I also couldn't respect a lot of decisions she had made or her ongoing commitment to the cult.  

Am I going to be a wreck when Ron dies?  Yes.  Will I be better off, emotionally, a year down the road?  Yes.  Am I going to ditch him now?  No.  

If he needs a nursing home at one point (I am doing my best to help him fight that) I will probably visit way too often.  I did when I was in the rehab hospital, I went every day.  I wouldn't do that with a nursing home, and his placement is going to be informed by proximity to public transit.  There is one, for instance, right on my main bus line.  That would be great IF the day comes.  

But I think we are OK for now.  

Saturday afternoon

So I got back to my God time later.  No music this time apparently I don't have the focus.  But I got back to it so I'm pleased.  

I lost a book "Daily Light for the Daily Path" I really liked it.  I had bought it used, I forget what happened to it.  I may have given it away or the movers threw it away (it was pretty trashed).  I was under the impression I still had it.   

I just downloaded the Kindle app, signed in, and found the book in my library.  I THOUGHT I had gotten it.  It is a nice little Bible study a few minutes a day morning and evening.  Glad to have that back, and I have dozens of books.  I will be busy for a while.  

It would be better with an actual Kindle device but the phone will work until I can swing that.  It's not like I can read it out in public waiting on a ride, that is a sure fire way to get robbed.  I will only really be able to read it at home.  

I was reading a paperback at the bus stop when the guy tried to rob me, and I beat him up, back in 2009.  I had a hard time with the bus stop for a while until I rescued Biscuit and Gravy at the same bus stop.  

But so many drivers are coming down sick I just don't feel safe riding.  

I need to figure out dinner, and do some sort of physical therapy with Ron. I think I am going to have him practice sitting up in bed, he has some difficulty.  Do that more and more until it is smooth... I want him able to get up and into his wheelchair easily.  That is my short term goal.  

That's it for now.  

Very early Saturday

Menopause herbs are working!  I slept better, not great.  It didn't help I had a big fluffy Torbie in the bed heating me up but I would crawl over molten glass for her.  So, better.  Glad I got them.  

What did I get?  All from Swanson: 

Black Cohosh

Wild Yam

Dong Quai

That is at least 2 continents' worth of herbal healing.  I am taking them according to label directions.  

I woke up Ron was naked in bed.  I used the opportunity to give him a bed bath and adjust him in bed.  He was agreeable.  I need to change the sheet.  

Torbie decided to sleep with him for a while now, it's a good life for her.  Ron was murmuring her name and petting her last I saw.  

I woke up at 4, but I went to bed early so I was OK with that.  I am about to do my God time.  

Done, but I need to play quieter music, it was distracting.  I will do it again later, God is always happy to hear from me.  

Ron was up for a while after I got up but went to sleep again.  Once I verify the bank is open I will wake him up before I leave.  

I imagine no one wants to wake up alone.  Ron included.  One day he forgot I went out and said he was calling me for a while, I thought that was sad.  I found his cell phone and am charging it, I will wake him up once I confirm this bank is open.  He is sleeping so hard I hate to wake him up but the bank is not open very long today and I need to turn on this debit card.  

Then I can do "change orders" without taking him to the bank: important.  I want to minimize his public exposure, for instance, the only time he's gone to Walmart was the day we got him his fan.  We were in and out in 10 minutes.  

And I was in and out of the bank in 5.  The Uber drivers were great, as always, but pretty irked they did a disaster declaration push to ALL cell phones in the area.  I didn't get it?  Anyway, everyone stayed home after that.  

And I didn't go anywhere else I just turned on the bank card, changed some one dollars for a few $20's, and came right home again.  Ron didn't even have time to miss me.  

He is asleep again.  I found his phone and charged it before I left.  But he is out.  

I was reminded of an incident that happened a little over 17 years ago.  Ron's brother always felt like he had to look out for Ron.  So he took the accident hard.  

Of course, being a loving Christian the first thing he did when he saw me was blame me for the accident.  I vainly explained Ron always walked to work by himself and didn't want assistance, had NEVER asked, and would have turned it down had I offered.  He didn't want to hear how I was working 16 hour days for Ron, anyway, I could see that.  But he was very vehement in his hatred.  

He came in a few days later, very subdued.  He said "I guess you were telling the truth about Ron".  Oh?  Turns out he had discussed Ron with a coworker, and the guy said "The blind guy walking down Aldine Bender?  Every day I offered him a ride and every day he said NO"  so then he believed me.  We were OK for a while.  

Ron finally came out of his coma and did well enough when I was around that everyone took notice.  I am not sure how I feel about the concept of soulmates but we certainly have a bond, and that was apparent.  So they "let" me visit.  

Ron progressed and they had him doing physical therapy exercises, etc.  I made a deal with Ron, I would play his favorite CD during the workout and give him a foot massage after.  One day Ron's brother walked in on the foot massage and blew up at me, that I was "pampering" him and "not getting anything done".  I had done everything that needed doing.  

He screamed at me for a while, scared the crap out of Ron, and left.  Later on he got me in the cafeteria, did the "I may have..." routine apology.  I asked him why he was so upset.  

He said he had spoken to his wife.  She was a nurse and had a pretty good idea what to expect.  The more ignorant family members looked to her even though she agreed with one of them Ron's brain was "spinning in his head and pressing on the bad spot" on his bad days.  WHAT?  

Anyway, he talked to her and said "If I was like Ron, would you take care of me like Heather does?"  

"No, I would put you in a nursing home!"  So he was a little upset HIS wife wasn't supportive.  I could see why he'd be upset and why it might be hard to see my devotion.  

And we weren't even married at the time.  I married a blind man in a wheelchair.  I had a pretty good idea what to expect.  

But he was quiet last night, old Torbie got me hot pressing against my skin but I would never complain.  I adore her.  

I will eat a couple of frozen burritos shortly, and take my pills and a nap.  I feel the hot flashes will get better and better (I had a bad one doing the litter box) as I progress with the medication.  

That's it for now.  

Friday afternoon

Well, apparently I need to pay more attention to the news.  

Virus is apparently VERY BAD in Houston right now.  So we will stay home for a while.  We will be OK; Ron has his radio, plenty of cat food and treats, I have plenty of food and medication.  Better to go into turtle mode for a bit.  

That is the nice thing about having Ron.  No one's going to fault me for keeping him home.  I will say I would have bought more soda if I'd known this was coming BUT I plan for worst case and have caffeine tablets should I run out completely, then I can taper off.  

I am mainly sick of the animal cruelty commercials on TV.  I have done a lot to rescue abused and unwanted (elderly, feral, special needs, one was all 3) animals, I don't need someone trying to guilt me with images of skinny, flea-ridden kittens.  I am not a dog person.  If I am not mistaken one of the animal welfare charity directors had a huge yearly salary and was quoted saying "What do they think we do, help animals?"  

I spend about $60 a month just on specialty cat food I have NO impetus to donate, and the way things are going now I'm getting into tightwad mode and will not be donating much at all.  Gospel for Asia and World missionary press, that's it.  

Once things settle out I would like to give something to Grace and Truth.  

I think I will have a cup of noodles for dinner.  

Friday morning

I'm not going to discuss certain aspects of Ron care due to narc/snitches reading the blog and playing God with the information.  That's on them, if they think what they did was private boy are they in for a shock on judgement day.  But knowing people like that are out there informs things I post.  

Ron had a pretty good day yesterday and did his vitamin and physical therapy.  He actually asked to do more exercises which I found hopeful.  I have my doubts the little bit he does in bed will make a lasting difference but I have to try, and at least help him preserve what he does have.  

I can talk about that.  I didn't sleep well last night because I was worried about him, things I can't discuss.  You can thank the snitch for that I HATE being vague.  So I did not sleep well BUT I had fewer hot flashes so those herbs are getting in there and doing the job.  That was encouraging.  

Ron was not up for going to work today so we cancelled and can go later.  He is sleeping now, I kind of doubt his account of sleeping "well" last night as  most of what he had going seemed to be related to simple fatigue.  The bank has been closed all week, that is disturbing.  We need to do transactions.  

Ron had me move him in bed a few times, he had Torbie in bed with him and didn't want to upset her.  She would have been nice about it, but still...I was happy to do it.  

I am waiting until 11 to eat, I am still doing intermittent fasting.  It is overcast today but no rain.  I have some cut up cheese, or some yogurt.  I have been getting a headache anyway every day so I will probably eat a bigger meal and take my medication at 11.  Doc says it doesn't matter when I take it, as long as I take it.  

Thursday Afternoon

I had a good nap with Cleo, sleeping on my arm, but yet another [censored] headache.  Maybe I need one of those fancy pillows, I DON'T KNOW but SICK of them.  I took some advil gel caps Ron won't touch those.  

Some home care stress, I won't relate every detail but I am all he's got and he was "bothering" me a lot.  I am glad he sleeps so much it would be much more difficult if he didn't.  

And I got a cute photo of Torbie.  

I thought it was cute.  

Ron wanted to go outside so I got him dressed and took him out in his wheelchair, he sat outside for a while, fresh air.  It started to rain but he didn't mind, sat there for a while in the rain, I let him, it was warm rain, then he wanted to sit in the garage for a while with the door up, did that.  Then we came in the house and got him to bed.  

I checked the mail.  I gave him his vitamin.  I will do his bath either later tonight or tomorrow morning.  He asked for his ABC which I knew meant the "CBD" - hemp oil, he wanted three squirts.  He is sadly lacking in fatty acids so that will help.  

I had a protein shake for dinner, will finish it with some cup of noodles.  The cats are good and no one is looking at the fridge anymore so I imagine the mouse (hopefully the only one) is gone for good.  I made sure to appreciate all the cats today I really do value their skills in this.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

Well, I didn't sleep great last night but the cats got the mouse and left him in Ron's doorway.  I found it and disposed of it, cleaned the floor with some fight-bac.  So I call that a win.  

Ron has been pretty drunk this morning which has affected his ability to get in/out of his wheelchair.  But I did manage to change his sheets.  He has been saying the left side of his bed is lower than the right, it is not, but he has this problem sometimes with the head injury, the bed feels imbalanced to him.  

So I found a brick in the yard and used that to prop the left side of the bed.  He wasn't very coherent but he seemed happy with it, and the bed was OK elevated like that with me on it, so I have to assume it will be fine with his weight.  He has a metal platform frame with the mattress on it.  He is snoring right now.  

I am going to do kettlebells in a little bit and then do my God Time, do some laundry.  Not sure what else is planned.  It is raining so I don't want to go out and the bus company sent me another text basically saying "Forget about riding today".  Budget is not great, either.  But I have food, cat food.  

Oh, on that... I had a feast of wet food for them this morning.  Odds are they will not relate it to the mouse but I gave them some fishy wet stuff and a can of their favorite mixed grill.  

I did my God Time and fed Ron.  Found his radio.  Did Kettlebells.  Took a shower.  Not in that order.  But I got it all done.  

Now I need to make trips for tomorrow.  

Most of Wednesday

We were forecast to have severe weather, maybe, today.  I checked a couple of sources and went with Accu-weather on my phone which said maybe in the afternoon.  

I called Arturo, tried to go to the bank but it was closed.  Went to the new Walmart, got everything on the list but forgot the hard boiled eggs.  I did get the protein shakes for me, though, and a pint of ice cream for my dinner.  

Ron had split peas for breakfast and a lunchable for lunch so he is good for a while.  I will offer more food in a while but he would let me know if he was hungry.  

I had fun looking around but could not find a regular twin fitted sheet, by itself.  They had something they called an "adjustable" twin to twin xl.  I don't want an 80 inch long twin.  I want 72, Ron's size.  I hope my aunt still has those old twin fitted sheets for me.  

I checked out and Arturo took me home, I put everything away.  I took a nap.  

I slept OK, I had Biscuit so that always amps it up to AWESOME level but did have a nasty headache.  Ugh.  

I forgot yesterday I cannot eat the yellow zingers.  I ate a couple and am paying for it today.  I took some more excedrin and even smoked some hemp, still have some headache.  

My cycle is erratic enough that I switched to pads for the rest of it.  

Two of the mouse traps were moved, I took a tip off a pest control blog and used 1.  Less bait and 2.  Moved 2 traps to the area of activity so I can hopefully pin 'em in one or the other.  I did that in 2 areas, with a total of 4 traps.  

Good thing Ron doesn't go up to the kitchen anymore.  It is behind the fridge so I put 2 traps back there.  Hopefully I get him.  

I also had the door to the garage open today, and the garage door up, while I was bringing in stuff so ideally it just ran outside and away.  

I am happy Ron likes the Lunchable so well.  It is a good meal and a good amount of protein, but not huge, some variety (cheese, crackers, meat, little candy bar), and filling but not overly so.  He likes them a lot so that is a nice change for me I just have to open it for him.  He also has the better part of a case of flavor mix variety chips from Frito Lay as well.  He is temperate in his snacking and can be left with one of these, it will take him weeks to eat it all.  

I feel good about that he has a different snack.  He is not a big eater but he likes small meals.  The split peas are good for that, and the protein bars, lunchables, etc.  I take his nutrition pretty seriously.  

He has been excellent about taking his multivitamin every day it has basic amounts of all the b vitamins, A, and iron, with a little calcium as well.  It's a start.  I will get him in the habit of that and then maybe we can add more down the line.  He should be OK as long as the vitamin is coated.  

I plan to go to bed early, I need to wash his sheets but he doesn't want to get up yet.  When he does I will swoop in there.  

I couldn't do it earlier, I had called Arturo already and Ron suddenly needed to use the toilet.  I had my hands full helping him with that, got him there OK but very little time left.  No time to change the sheets which is what I would have done normally.  

Worst of all, I had to leave him like that because he wanted to stay awhile and make sure he was finished.  I did not like that.  But he said he would be fine and he goes in the middle of the night most every night, and is fine, so I left him.  Didn't like it and worried sick.  

I got to Walmart and was on the soap aisle wondering how much worry was OK for me to have, for him, he called, teased me, said he fell on the floor but his tone of voice was jolly so I knew he was kidding.  He was touched I was worried.  He got back to bed fine.  He did bump my toilet paper holder but that is all, no big deal.  

But I need to change his sheet he got some food in it.  I have a small load of regular clothes and I can put the twin fitted sheet on top of that and run the load.  I have a good sized washer.  But I need the sheet to do that.  I may wait until tomorrow, I don't know.  

It's up to him.  I am just glad I got the cat food, shakes, etc.  I always buy a bag of cat food when I go to the store so they keep stocking it, and to have a reserve.  It is important to have a reserve if things get crazy I may not be able to get to the store.  If that happens I can just open a spare bag, no big deal.  

Biscuit is on a special diet and it is VITAL he get it.  The other cats can eat anything, and, frankly, I have had so many male cats develop FLUTD I would just as soon have Spotty eating it now, too.  

My supplements are supposed to come today, I sure hope so.  I will check after Arturo comes.  I really want to get started with my supplements that should help a lot with the hot flashes, etc.  I don't care about the cycle I am at least still getting notice when I ovulate so I can get ready.  If it wants to skip a few months that is fine with me.  

And I have Blue Bell Pecan Praline ice cream for dinner.  That should be delicious.  I don't do this very often so it will be a treat.  

That's it for now.  

Well, I'm feeling better

I did my God Time, did some homecare (fed, reposition, etc), did some stretching as I am still a little stiff to do Kettlebells again.  I need to be functional and I will just tear myself up if I do it again.  But I have a very nice Frederic Delavier stretching book and I did the basic workout twice over.  I feel good and a little looser.  I need to remember to do the back/neck exercises at my computer, not that I have problems but to keep them away.  

And I am about to go look and see if they have a nice leather binder I can put my God Time stuff into, my old binder is falling apart.  That is the third binder since I started this, I put a lot of wear on them and that is fantastic.  What I do in my God Time is about the ONLY thing I am taking when I leave this Earth so I think it might be nice to get something fancy.  But reasonable.  I am still fairly cheap.  

I found something, on the wishlist.  I will get it eventually.  

Not a good start to my day

A challenging day when I am listening to Eminem already at 7 AM.  

I did sleep OK, Ron made a big  production about "letting" me sleep which I found mildly offensive because he SHOULD.  I didn't have any hot flashes that I remember, either.  But I woke up with a pretty nasty headache.  

I think I know the trigger on that, my fault, but I will be OK.  I got up and took some Excedrin.  I am out of soda but the caffeine in the headache pills will help with that.  

Then he says "I know this will upset you"  [I need to learn to stop him right there and say "Well, don't do it, then"].  "But I really want you to hear this".  

So he turns it on, it is an excerpt from "Woman on Top" a book that came out in the 80's, I think.  It is 90% porno with 10% intellectual bullcrap about why women "have" to fantasize, use porn, etc., how doing so is "owning your body".  Ron likes it because it justifies the use of porn and shows that women can be sex addicts, too.  It is actually a very sad book.  He used to have me read it to him on tape until he realized he could get it from the state library.  Your tax dollars at work, some poor woman had to read porno onto tape for blind people... anyway he dubbed it off the media onto a flash drive so he can listen whenever he wants.  

He played me a part about how women are taught to keep themselves clean "down there" and how it "makes them think they are dirty"  He said women are never dirty down there and I blew up at him.  

1.  I told him reading porn is a violation of our marriage.  

2.  It makes me very angry.  

3.  I am not going to titillate him with discussion of the book.  

4.  Had he ever heard of a bowel movement?  If he had to clean himself after one so did women.  Infections and odor are real considerations.  

I stormed off.  He turned it off and went back to sleep.  When he wakes up I am going to tell him, if he plays that for me again, any part of the book, out loud, I am going to smash the flash drive so he cannot do so again.  That should make the point.  It rude and cruel, just as bad as if I brought some other man into our home and did him.  (Although Ron would probably enjoy that).  

It is unfair at best.  See, if I had a lot of sexual crimes against Ron I would not want to constantly remind him of it.  But he cheated on me plenty and used a lot of porn which I also consider cheating.  If I were him I would not want to remind me of all his offenses.  It doesn't build a bond, to say the least.  

At least my headache is better.  

A long day

So I got up at 2, took care of business, got ready to go, fed Ron split peas when I got up and then a lunchable later.  I also got an extra couch cushion to put between him and the wall so he wouldn't fall.  I fed the cats and cleaned their boxes, and I left.  

I went to the warehouse, open early for a chance, and got everything on the list but I did see gaps in inventory.  I found that alarming.  

I paid (not a long wait to check out it was better regulated this time) and had a long wait on Jack.  He was on time I just finished a lot earlier than I thought.  

I didn't rush him, I think that is as rude as making someone wait.  I was outside with the cart, the weather was nice I felt so I was good.  It was probably a little warm for most tastes.  

By the way, in my menopause group, someone asked "What is a hot flash like" and I replied "Like getting into a Houston car in the summer".  It is very apt.  

He came and we went to work.  His wife called twice I think she is a little nervous about me alone with her husband even though all I talked about were Ron and the cats - and I told Jack feel free to tell her that.  He laughed.  Hopefully it will help I don't want to cause a problem.  

We got to work, unloaded, he left.  They had some contractors working and what a lazy worthless bunch, just standing around and talking, one kept trying to get out the security door - who's going to let him back in?  No one who values their job.  The bathroom and breakroom are in the building.  And every time I walked by (several times over the course of hours) sitting around laughing and talking, playing on cell phones, etc.  Too bad the person who granted the contract was not around to see the workers.  

I did what I came to do and the machines looked great when I left.  I hadn't heard from Ron at all until around 1 PM when he called, he was a little confused where I had gone and I explained I was at work stocking a soda machine.  He smartened up pretty quick and we had a good conversation.  I finished up and realized Jack was at his doctor's appointment for his foot, he couldn't help.  I called Arturo and he couldn't help either.  So I did a Uber home.  

It was about $45 total for Ubers today Ron paid for them.  

I had a pea protein shake (about as bad as it sounds) before I left and was very full.  I found it very interesting I basically lost my taste for soda after I drank it, makes me wonder about the amino acid profile.  I would really like to do one of those very day but they are fairly grim.  I will think about it.  

I had a little bit of a wait on a Uber.  None of the drivers wanted to stand by in this very poor, notoriously lawless, neighborhood.  My driver had to come from about 10 miles away.  

We had a good talk, he was a younger guy.  I told him it is really important to spend time with family and he said he was going to call his girlfriend when he dropped me off, and talk about it.  Good.  

I got home, Ron was fine (I had worried, I was gone about 6 hours) but needed a little tending.  Not much.  I took a nap, had a pretty good one with Torbie, about an hour, woke up with a really bad headache, took some Advil because I DO NOT want to be kept up all night with Excedrin.  

Ron needed more tending, I did that.  I think he is OK I need to feed him and do physical therapy.  But I got a lot done today.  

Early morning thoughts

One reason I haven't liked my hair long it reminds me of my sister, who always had her straight brown hair very long hanging down.  It was fun when I was a toddler.  

But her cult... ugh.  She had 2 alcoholic, teenage parents.  They were neglectful I'm sure.  And her one grandmother was a paranoid schizophrenic who did not take medication.  "Unstable" is putting it lightly.  

So when a nice older lady offered a comforting shoulder after yet ANOTHER maternal suicide attempt, she fell hard.  They got her living in a household of "believers" within a year, I think.  My Dad tried to stop it but he was not her bio dad.  

My Dad let her have visitation even though she was in the cult and always dragging me to "church".  I guess she thought enough exposure would crack my shell and I would join.  But there's a reason I am a confirmed Presbyterian, I prefer a more regulated style of worship.  

I'm just not up for complete strangers screaming AMEN in my face, or people screaming Oh Lord Jesus AGAIN AND AGAIN during the service at the top of their lungs because they have misinterpreted the Bible verse about calling on the Lord (once!) to be saved.  

I was OK with the home church and sitting around taking turns reading from the Bible, though, even though they had a different Bible, which I don't agree with.  But she is completely enmeshed in the cult.  

I think a lot of the glow has worn off but she is stuck now she has wasted her life on it.  Now she's just another bitter divorcee sitting in a hoarded apartment.  

I would hope my faith has made me a better person, stronger and more able to deal with whatever life throws at me.  

Very early Tuesday

I haven't said it to him, but Ron needs to count his blessings.  In so many countries of the world he would be lying in an alleyway, dressed in rags, covered in his own filth, starving, and begging.  I know this, I have seen it in Mexico.  He has NO idea how good he has it, with three wheelchairs, his own home, running water, a nice bed, etc.  

Instead he is ungrateful, unthankful, and unappreciative of all the good things in his life.  He hardly even works and he has  NICE standard of living.  I would say he is appreciative about half the time when I do something for him, I can live with that, but he has got to work on his attitude with God.  

He sees God as "Torture Man" some sadist who enjoys throwing adversity at Ron.  A tree ALMOST falls on the house and takes out our fence, the neighbor fixes it.  Ron, myself, and the cats are not harmed and neither is the house or the air conditioner unit right outside the window.  No, Ron sees the other neighbor wanted money to fix THAT fence.  He doesn't see she was happy with just $100.  So $100 to replace two fences and get a huge fallen tree out of our yard, I would call that "A blessing" but he does not.  It's not, in my opinion, a good way to live.  

Now it can be easy for me to focus on something I don't like about a person and go on in that vein for a while.  For instance, one person we know who can only be described as a "pervert and sex addict" who really thinks he is a great friend of ours.  Even though he stole our sales tax money and was NOT going to pay it back until Ron got drunk one night, called him, and read him the riot act.  He later told us "We would just have to understand other things came first".  But just ask him he is Ron's "brother".  

He was so disgusting the last time we saw him in person even Ron was done with him, relating details of how he paid some poor woman to do degrading things with him.  "I like sex, I have money, why not?"  

Because guys who pay for it... are just not men.  Anyway.  And if he has money why did he always have his hand out, with us?  

So I will not focus on Ron being ungrateful to God this morning.  

I went to bed early, fell asleep OK, and had some hot flashes, waking up at 2 with a hot flash and a splitting headache.  I didn't really have a lot of choices.  There was no way I could sleep with that headache so I got up and took some Excedrin.  That ensured I would not sleep.  

Then, I figured, what else to do at 3 AM than talk to God?  He was up.  So I did my God Time.  Ron woke up.  I believe he is drunk.  It would explain a few things.  He had it in his head I had to help him find some of the screw top containers I gave him for urinals.  He had lost a couple under the bed and was "incapable" of reaching under there himself and finding it.  He got in his wheelchair, I got in the bed, bent over the side and hunted around until I found both of them (2 already on the bookcase).  I put them up on the bookcase, Ron is liking that at least.  

I asked if he was hungry, he said yes, so I gave him some split peas.  He was happy enough with that.  I cleaned the litter boxes, that cats appreciated that.  

I will take the trash out later at a more reasonable hour.  I think 5:30 is a little early yet.  A few days ago, I asked some neighbors (nearest my trash can) if I ever disturbed them and she laughed and said no.  They do not work nights either so I will not wake anyone up if I toss something after daylight.  And I just heard someone leave, they get up early here.  

Pretty much everyone on my end of the block gets up early which, GENERALLY means we all go to bed early as well.   So overall a good location for us.  Ron is making noise, let me check.  He wanted another pillow, some readjustment in bed, and a urinal had to be emptied.  

I am a little stiff from my workout yesterday, even with the painkillers.  I will be OK in a day or two I am still functional, I was careful not to overdo it yesterday.  Hopefully Ron can sleep most of the day today.  

It is funny how little I read, especially considering what a big deal was made of not letting me EVER read growing up, and my grandmother was a librarian.  My Kindle died a while back, I have fixed up the house, bought some storage food, and extra cat food but I haven't gotten another Kindle.  I am thinking to wait until Amazon Prime day.  

Worst case I think there is a Kindle desktop app I could use to access the books I own.  I might be interested to check out some of the kettle bell ones.  

Speaking of kettlebells, I am getting more stiff so I took some ginger root.  That is a natural anti-inflammatory and will not interact with my medication.  And this is where a lot of people stop working out, they do the first, think it will always be like this (it won't) and quit.  

I remember Chuck once said if he won a lotto he would hire a personal trainer and say "I want workouts where I have no soreness or stiffness the next day"  and I thought GOOD LUCK.  The first week or two ALWAYS sucks but it gets better.  

And, I lost 80 pounds, twice, so I would know.  I do think the workout plan I have set out is reasonable this time.  It worked pretty well last year.  Once I get over this initial stiffness!  I can still work and do Ron-care, I was very careful about that, but my thighs are just yelling today.   I will be pretty active today and that is the best thing for it.  

I am also going to take a nice hot shower in a little bit and that will help as well.  All I need now is the shower and getting dressed.  It wouldn't matter if I got to the store early, I appear able bodied and they will not let me in early to shop.   And take out the trash,see if Ron needs anything.  

But I think he's good now that Baby Girl got in bed with him.  

Small Bites (Monday afternoon)

I did my God Time, did some kettlebells (swings and squats), and got Ron do do some overhead presses with my 5# kettlebell.  I tried to take a nap but couldn't, got up.  

It has rained all day with serious thunderstorms.  I had thought I might go to Walmart but the streets were starting to flood and it's later than I like to go, so I stayed home.  

Tomorrow will be work, not much fun but I will get it done.  And I will be able to enjoy Wednesday knowing I did it all tomorrow.  I got Ron to take his vitamin and eat, but I need to get him to do some "legs" on physical therapy.  I try to vary it every time so he doesn't get bored.  The same old leg lift day in, day out, he'll get bored and stop.  

I am thinking about getting leg weights for him.  I got him to do some lower body PT.  I gave him some choices he wanted to do a lot of leg lifts, so that's what we did.  Spotty kept getting under the leg as he raised it in the air and otherwise "helping", it was pretty funny.  Ron wasn't dressed or I'd have made a video.  He is lying down with Ron, I am happy Ron did 4 sets of leg lifts to failure although he doesn't care about that.  

To failure means you do the exercise again and again until you can't.  I am currently working on him doing "something" most days of the week just to get in the habit.  Ideally we can work up to some time on the exercise bike as well.  

Am I any sort of trainer?  No.  I have trained myself and ran a half marathon, lost 80 pounds twice, so I know a little about challenging myself.  I can apply that as Ron would NEVER go to anyone else.  I imagine he might allow someone to come to the house now and then but I think I am good for most of it.  I want to preserve function and flexibility, build strength.  We can do that.  At least keep him from getting worse he needs to be able to get in and out of a personal car because the wheelchair cab will not always be around.  His back is so bad he can't really do anything standing so it will all be done flat in bed.  

I did have a good workout today I was challenged but didn't overdo.  I imagine I will be a little stiff tomorrow but shouldn't be too bad, I only used the 15 pound weight.  Tomorrow, if ambitious, I will do 10 minutes on the exercise bike, work my way up to a half hour most days, then 15 minutes or so of kettlebell a couple times a week.  I did find my workout notebook so I can start logging again, it is encouraging to log progress and I would advise anyone to do that.  It doesn't have to be fancy, I get the ones you buy for a quarter at Walmart during back to school.  I wonder how that is going to go this year.  

So I am happy we both worked out today.  Hopefully we come out of this stronger than we went in.  

I am not doing comments for quite a while, if ever.  It is just not worth the abuse.  And the ending comment that made me end it all "You abuse me when you say nice things about Ron" is downright scary.  My traffic has gone down hopefully the stalker has gone away, but I'm not taking chances for a very long time, if that.  

I also decided not to mess with the tip jar.  I will put up the wish list every month or so if someone wants to buy me something I want, but that's it.  Oh, my headache is finally gone, hopefully I can think about eating soon and get my pills onboard.  

Ron seemed plenty challenged without the weights so I think I can "weight" on them for a while.  :p  I would so love to get him in water workout classes but he is adamant he will not.  It's a shame, I think it would help a lot.  But it's his call.  The transportation would probably be difficult anyway.  

Oh, and probably a TMI here - I got some new tampons because playtex stopped making the ultra, which is really disappointing.  So I got the Tampax ultra which said they had a special outer layer to facilitate removal.  It was HORRIBLE like putting bleach up there it was very uncomfortable.  I had to get rid of it and do something else instead.  

But nothing unusual so far for this cycle other than the headache today, instead of yesterday.  

I think I will just do a protein shake for dinner.   I'm just not hungry.  

Last week, I did a couple of smart things.  1.  I bought 3 different kinds of hard cheese.  2.  I cut them up and put them in a ziplock in the fridge/freezer.  Now I can grab a handful of cheese whenever I want a small snack.  It's great.  

I am not crazy about the Queso Duro - I bought it when manic, of course, the flavor reminds me of swiss cheese which I don't care for, but it's still edible and the 2 kinds of cheddar are fantastic.  I will definitely do this again.  Ron hasn't been interested but I did put some on the door for him if he does get hungry.  

I plan to buy him some peeled hard boiled eggs when I go back to Walmart he enjoys a boiled egg now and then.  They are easy enough to prepare, I put salt in a plastic cup, add the hard boiled egg and hand it to him.  

And I got Ron to do some more leg exercises this is one where he pushes his heel against my hand as hard as he can.  Both legs have some kick!  I had my hands full resisting!  Especially the left leg which is now his dominant side.  So I was happy got him to do a little more and he was happy to do it.  

It often works to do a little (of anything), go away, come back.  Do some more.  Finish.  Doing it all at once?  I think that's a head injury thing he shuts down.  But small bites, as he used to say, will do it.  

Monday Morning

I slept fine but boy did I bleed.  Not on the sheets, thank God.  But I had a real mess this morning.  

I doubled up (pad + tampon) so I should be fine today.  It is raining so Ron cancelled work, part of work is waiting outside in the elements with no protection so that was out.  Besides, we don't have inventory.  

So we talked, he gets tomorrow off, I will make a Sam's run, stock it, etc. I already arranged it with Jack.  

Biscuit was super cuddly this morning and kept tapping my leg with his paw - he's a very smart boy.  I'll remind you he is the one who climbed me like a tree when I first met him, meowing and purring at me, very sweet and cuddly, begging me to rescue him which I did.  

So, I picked him up, and he let me, for a while.  I petted him, hugged him, he purred, we had a good old time.  He eventually got tired of it and wiggled so I put him down.  I never hold a cat against their will it doesn't build a bond.  

I need to clean the boxes when the rain stops but I will get it.  I spoke too soon about the hormonal headache I did have a nasty one this morning, another reason I did not fight Ron on cancelling work.  

I am getting ready to go do my God Time that should be good.  I am glad Carlos put in a ceiling light for me that works a lot better than a lamp.  

Ron is happy.  Cats are good.  That's it for now.  

Sunday

I slept pretty well last night considering I didn't have anything for hot flashes.  I'm a little depressed but not bad.  Ron is in good shape.  Cats are good, I gave them some wet food for breakfast.  

Ron hasn't been hungry but I did get his vitamin and bed bath.  And, yay!  A nutrition shake.  I will take what I can get.  No physical therapy I will ask him if he wants to do it.   Pretty depressed today but I did my God time, took a shower, took care of Ron and the cats.  

I started my cycle about when I figured I would (I get indicators when ovulating).  That was about 60 days since my last cycle.  So I'm not done yet but hot flashes say on my way.  And I had good results with the herbs I ordered, before, when the hot flashes were bad.  I have been very moderate with my caffeine usage today so I'm not too worried about sleeping tonight.  

Interesting, normally I get a crushing headache the day I start but I did not today.  I guess that is an advantage of dropping hormone levels.  

I am also working on 2 grocery lists, the next shopping trip and my "big spender" trip.  Not much more on the big spender list so far.  

I gave the cats some catnip (nearly all of them react to it) and they had a good time licking it and rolling around.  That's it for now.  

Saturday afternoon

I feel like the champ.  

I did meal prep for the week - not formal meal prep but a big pot of split peas for Ron, cut up some cheese for snacking (3 different types), did the dishes, took a shower, tried to nap but headache said no, took a headache pill, Ron woke up, changed his sheets, gave him a bath, did physical therapy, got him his vitamin, fed him, had some good cuddle time with Cleo...good times.  

Not exactly in that order but you get the idea.  Ron is happy in bed.  

He still gets a little emotional at times with the music.  I guess that is just a head injury thing I don't stress about it now.  

Cleo got up on the couch with me, it was adorable.  She likes to get under my right arm as I pet her.  Put her paws on me and purr at me, she's precious.  She couldn't be any cuter.  We had a good time, it is hard to believe she used to be feral, and would run away if I touched her.  And that wasn't even a year ago.  I am so proud of her.  

Ron is a little envious that Cleo is "my" cat just like Baby Girl is "his" cat, but we have an understanding.  Cat's first, then spouse.  The key to a happy marriage.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday morning

So I've got my big pot now... good times.  I have a whole pound of chopped ham, a pound of split peas, in there boiling away with some seasoning.  I will add some rice and cook that in the juices (works very well thanks to the Haitians for developing this cooking style), before I package it up.  

Ron loves split peas.  Tons of fiber, protein, vitamins, what's not to love.  Even low fat.  Yay for nutrition.  Any caregiver will tell you it can be really hard getting the loved one to eat healthy foods.  As Adele Davis said, you have to make healthy taste good or don't even bother trying.  

The latter being my addition.  So the house reeks of split peas with ham, not really my taste but that's OK he loves it.  I never really had anything but a baked bean, growing up, and then not that often.  I liked Beanie Weenie when I worked retail it was easy to eat and filling.  Many years ago I checked the "Bean cookbook" out of the library and read that for a while, I actually have a bean cookbook on my wish list, but I do OK so far with the split peas with ham, and the lentils with sausage.  

Here's the list if you are bored.  Wish list I'm so extra!

I am thinking about doing a tip jar I may try to figure that out today.  I can't put the wish list in the side bar but maybe the tip jar, we will see.  

Am I desperate for cash?  No.  But it would be curious to see if I do get anything.  

I slept great last night, only woke up a few times.  And that is with a few doses of Wild Yam.  I am super excited to get that now maybe I can knock the night sweats down to zero.  The other herbs can only help.  

OOOp gotta check on the beans.  They look good but I am going to have a huge amount of food.  I did one pound each ham, split peas, 3/4 cup rice because I didn't think I could fit more.  I have about 20 minutes on the rice.  

Ron was quiet last night and this morning, he accidentally turned on some music a little while ago and I managed to get it off for him, he said "Goodnight" and went back to sleep.  Overall I am getting a good night of sleep except for the hot flashes/night sweats.  

So I am hopeful I can get that fixed.  

I spent some of my remodel budget on storage food, no regrets on that.  But it limited what I could buy which is why most of the wish list is home decor (except for the purple blanket which is a my bedroom item).  I had considered getting a turquoise rug for the seating area I have in the front room, a right angle of loveseats, window on one side, computer at the top.  BUT I slide my chair back so often getting up to check things I am really glad I just have plain tile and no carpet, it would be very aggravating.  But I could use some pillow covers.  :)  

But I should be about done with the split peas which is nice.  They are fresh so it shouldn't take as long to cook.  And Ron will have tons of food for days.  

I find it interesting, as a teenager contemplating what I wanted to do with my life, I figured I would do some sort of helping profession.  Nursing, I was told, was "too hard and you need a lot of math", same with being a doctor.  For a while I thought I might be an occupational therapist or dietitian.  Funny thing is I'm both.  And a personal assistant and CNA.  It is funny how that all works.  

But the food cooking portion will be over with while I have some energy.  There is nothing worse than Ron lying in bed hungry, I'm depressed, I have to feed him somehow.  I always have but a lot easier to take something out of the fridge already made.  

And I do plan to get him more boiled eggs those are super easy.  And he can get that on his own.  

Another plan for today, I have some nice hard cheeses, I am going to cut them up and put them in zippered bags for a quick snack.  Each bag will have a variety of cheeses.  I think that will be great for either of us.  I love cheese.  

And I have some Queso Duro, Extra Sharp Cabot (very delicious and not cheap), and some generic brand mild cheddar, I have a huge block of that.  I even got a butcher knife (I just had a steak knife) so I can hack it up easier.  That's going to be a good time with a lot of nibbling.  

See, and I hope some new bipolar reads this, I invest my energy periods into stuff like cooking and housework, so I am set for when I crash into the depression.  It is bad enough it affects me so much so I like to rape it and make it work for me.  

And on that note it is time to check on my beans again (chair scrape)

Friday afternoon

Ron ate a corn dog and some split peas.  I am really happy to get protein into him.  He is very good about taking his multi which is a huge load off of me.  It is not ideal but it has iron and b vitamins, both of which he needs.  Will he take a prescription vitamin?  NO.  So I figure a daily vite is better than none.  And I am working on his diet as well.  

He has lentils with rice, cheese, and sausage for dinner.  The cats are good, Spotty was particularly cute getting up with Ron and loving on him.  Spotty and Biscuit are very bonded and often groom each other's heads or rub heads together, it is endearing.  Spotty doesn't even do that with his littermate so maybe they are gay for each other, I don't care.  

It got cloudy and the wind picked up, the exterior blinds were flapping around.  I rolled them up right as the sky opened up on me, drenching me.  And I had just gotten my hair dry from my shower.  I came in, checked on Ron again, and told him I was taking a nap.  

The caregiver group loved the garlic story.  So did my aunt, she was trying really hard not to laugh as I told her.  I was laughing so hard trying to relate it she knew it couldn't be bad.  I took a nap and actually had an EXCELLENT one with a good quality of sleep, felt much longer than it was but woke with an ugly headache.  If I had to point a finger I would at the Wellbutrin.  I always take it in the morning and I usually get a headache in the afternoon.  I did add some migraine herbs to my pills of the week so hopefully that will help.  

In the meantime I took another headache pill.  I need to figure out my own dinner.  

You know I have been craving GRILLED CHEESE so bad lately, with tons of butter all over the skillet and the bread, cheese oozing out of the sides...I need to get the fixings the next time I go to the store.  I don't plan to go anywhere this weekend though, too busy and the virus running around, I try to avoid huge crowds.  Also the inventory will be depleted as I doubt they get trucks on the weekend.  

The grilled cheese can wait.  But it is something to look forward to.  

I have a truly EXCELLENT seasoned cast iron skillet.  I have had it for about a decade, I just wipe it out and rinse it with hot water and a steel (non soapy) scouring pad, then dry with a paper towel and anoint with more oil.  I can fry up anything in there easily and it is always delicious.  

Ron really liked the taco meat, I just mixed it with cheese (more protein!) and served it to him like that, he loved it.  So I'll get more ground beef when I get the grilled cheese fixings.  That cooked easily in my iron skillet with minimal cleanup.  But I can get that Monday/Tuesday.  

The only notable cooking fact, I take the knob off the stove when I am done cooking so Ron can't bump it and activate the burner.  It is a gas stove and we had a couple "accidents" where he bumped it and turned it on, that's actually how I lost my last iron skillet.  Now we just take off the knobs and keep them in a drawer.  I mount the knob when I cook and then remove it when I'm done.  It works very well.  Yes, it is an old stove at least 20 years, but it fries my bacon.  :)  

That's it.  

Very Early Friday

So I was up, it's not even light out, been up for hours, the caffeine pills and Dew ensure I am not sleeping any time soon.  

Well, I can wash my bedding... the pillow case on my bed looked a little greasy.  So I did that.  Then I thought, "Why not do my God time?"  

It took about 10 minutes to get things in order, I used to have a Bible cover that held a lot of material but it was ruined by the flood.  The Bible and contents were fine but I had to toss the cover, which is a shame.  But the movers knocked a lit candle over on it and the wax got everywhere.  

One lesson I learned out of that cover; it is just not practical for me to have a leather Bible cover.  I am hard on my Bibles.  Ideally they are getting a lot of daily use and I need a canvas.  I found a light Christian playlist on Youtube and downloaded that (I pay for a subscription) to my phone.  I played that as I organized.  

It is interesting, I purged so much of my home but the God Time stuff wasn't touched, with the exception of the Bible cover.  Everyone has my address it seems: the Bible that needs a cover is 6x9x1.5 inches if you want to send me one.  :p

Anyway I arranged everything.  I have some useful little booklets on Biblical themes like obedience, prayer, etc.  I sorted those and selected one to read in addition to my usual lineup.  I dug out all the devotionals and stacked them up, a couple of devotionals and some "read the Bible in a year" Bibles, two different types, my "regular" Bible, etc.  I got my prayer notebook.  

Now I have VERY strong feelings about the "journaling Bibles" where they have room to draw in the Bible.  Now, many people make a Bible coloring book with themes like "Give thanks to the Lord" and a fill-in thanksgiving cornucopia, or "Sing to the LORD" and a bunch of various birds in song... I think those are GREAT even though I don't really have the fine motor for that (although I can still work, and type, go figure).  I like the coloring books with Bible verses.  

Using the Bible as a coloring book?  I don't like it.  I would NEVER tell someone how to express their faith some are Pentecostals, whatever, I was raised in a very somber faith but that's fine, too.  But it just curdles me when I think about it.  Yes, it is splitting hairs.  

BUT God is Lord and He can make His own call on that.  I have noticed my prayer notebook is probably my version of the art Bible.  I have encouraging notes in plastic sleeves, photos of missionaries and other evangelists, handwritten lists of prayer requests, a brochure from Al-Anon (some ideas on how to pray for an alcoholic), etc.  All bound up in plastic sleeves and inside a very loud purple binder mended with peacock-style duct tape (I said I am hard on tools of my faith!).  That's just how I roll and it has worked for me.  

So I sat down and read the Bible first, I always do that.  I also read an informative brochure I picked up somewhere on how to step out in faith.  Then I did the prayer time.  I got through it with very few distractions.  It is really easy to do my God Time when Ron is asleep, and he was.  Biscuit came in and almost knocked over a stack of Bibles but other than that totally unremarkable.  The music was nice, and not distracting.  

My bookmarks showed my last "study" at October 30, so I don't know if that was last year or what.  I got it going this year.  

One thing I may do later, my little booklet said "Go through Luke and underline every time Jesus prayed" and that sounds like a good idea.  Oh, Spotty, in the litter box... oh.  And I can't use scented products in the house because Ron's allergic.  It's a good thing Spotty is so cute.  

I have had cats come in the orange room while I am doing my God Time and use the litter box right next to me.  God understands.  I did find the bright orange color very uplifting and focusing.  I am glad I picked it.  I still have some work to do organizing the bookcase but it looks nice.  I can easily access everything and actually sit in my chair and DO IT.  Which is the whole point, DOING my faith EVERY day.  If at all possible.  

I have tried doing God Time with a migraine, for instance, and that didn't work so well I was saying "Oh, God" alright as I tried not to vomit or whenever I moved my head.  

On the migraine front I found some medicinal herbs in my box so I am taking those every day, I think they are helping and I can get more when I refill the menopause herbs.  

Back to God Time I am glad I got back on that.  I am spending a lot more time at home these days, I don't want to shop a lot as I don't want more clutter, plus I don't have much money.   So this is a nice dovetail of time structure and practicing my faith.  And I really do enjoy the room, SO glad I painted it orange.  

That's it for now, when the washer finishes the soak cycle for the bedding I will take a shower and then run a standard cycle.  

I hope I get a good nap today

I went to bed early, pretty tired, did not sleep well up a few times, drink some cold water, help Ron, etc.  Back to sleep.  

I heard Ron moving around but, like a bat, he is most active at night.  SCREAM!  SCREAM!  It was coming from the front room.  I ran up to the kitchen.  I thought he had fallen out of his wheelchair and hurt himself.  

Overwhelming smell of garlic.  Ron had the fridge open, was chewing, and screaming "It burns!"  

Now, in my defense I have told Ron MANY times, your snacks are on the door of the fridge.  Just open them and there you go.  I have drinks, soda, lunchables, etc. for him on the door.  I have energy bars and protein bars next to his bed.  

I managed to get him calmed down and into bed.  He related what happened.  He woke up, hungry, went to the kitchen.  He wanted a hearty snack and felt the lunchables and other snacks would not hold him, so he looked in the main body of the fridge where I keep the ingredients.  He found a bag that, I believe, resembles the bag we get the peeled, hard boiled eggs - thinking on it the bags are very similar but the contents VERY different.  Anyway, he thought it looked likely, undid the zip top, grabbed a big handful of raw, peeled, garlic cloves, and munched.  

Interestingly enough he did swallow it all.  One of the drivers at paratransit has come down sick with Covid and was driving a day we rode, so theoretically could have had us.  So I see the garlic as a very good thing for his immune system.  It is fine to consume garlic raw, he only got a few cloves' worth I think.  He is lying in bed sleeping fitfully but is sleeping, and no more screaming.  

But what a way to wake up.  My head started throbbing once the excitement died down so I said screw it, got up, took some Headache Relief Tablets, and got into the Dew Zero.  

What a start to the day, and AREN'T I glad there will be no comments on this post.  

Edit: I got rid of the garlic as I don't use it that often anyway (I am mildly allergic).  

Thursday

 Last night I decided to keep track of the night sweats/hot flashes while sleeping, and how often they woke me up.  I stopped at 5 total, by around 3 am.  

Yeah.  This has been going on a while so it may explain a few things... if I can't get a decent night's sleep that affects EVERYTHING.  

I got up, got ready - we had a later pickup - got Ron ready, off to work.  He took his vitamin and did his physical therapy, and did not require the use of the leg on the wheelchair.  He ate a decent amount of nutritious food and had plenty of healthy beverages.  So I'm happy on the caregiver front.  

We went to work and did it all.  It looks good.  On the way home the driver tried to do something I have not seen in 20 years of riding, backed up near the curb, unfolded the wheelchair ramp, and placed it half on/half off the curb.  It was apparent it would collapse the second anyone put any weight on it and she wanted me to roll Ron off the curb onto this.  

1.  We had a wheelchair ramp right there so that was not the issue.  

2.  I would have taken him off the curb myself if there had not been a ramp.  

I told her no and she got an attitude.  I got a bigger attitude and said Ron would certainly get hurt and I was not doing it.   "No he won't"  "You don't have to take care of him (when he does), I'm not doing it".  

Ron asked what was going on and I said, loudly "She wants to do something reckless that I have never seen another driver do in 20 years and I am not endangering you."  She got back in the car, put it into gear, and pulled up about 15 feet so she could properly unfold the ramp so it rested on the ground.  Then she put Ron in and loaded him properly.  

I was sorry I had to get an attitude but I was not endangering Ron; I know from our own ramp at home if it is not 100% on the higher surface it will COLLAPSE.  He would have fallen, gone sideways, hit his head or broken a bone, maybe both...no thank you.  And she is a contract driver so zero assets to sue.  Assuming I was willing to endanger him which I'm not.  

We got home OK but it was pretty late.  I decided not to take a nap, Ron decided to order vodka.  Due to a misunderstanding Arturo got a large tip which Ron and I agree is OK.  The liquor store sent another cucumber vodka which he doesn't like but he is choking it down.  Me, I would get a nice rum.  You can get rum super cheap but for some reason he doesn't want it.  He says whiskey upsets his stomach.  Well, the stuff he can afford, does.  

Ron is my adoring food slave he loved the taco meat with cheese, and the beans and rice dish I made last night.  He finished up the taco meat and some of the beans tonight.  I need to go see if he is still hungry.  He wanted a little more (beans/rice/sausage).  

Sick of hot flashes, I finally admitted I have a menopause "Problem" and not just symptoms.  Messing with my sleep is always a problem.  So I ordered some herbs from Swanson, Black Cohosh, Angelica, and Wild Yam.  I have taken all, separately, on various occasions the last 10 years.  Every time they helped.  No interactions.  I didn't have much in my account but it seemed well worth the $20.  Hopefully they will do the job synergistically and kick symptoms down.  Happily, not being "plague" related, they have already shipped.  

Ron and I agreed to get rid of the crackers in his room but I kept the protein bars.  He ate one last night (I found the wrapper) and he said it was good.  He asked me to put some food on the door of the fridge for him as he likes to midnight snack - but he was up most of today so likely he will sleep pretty well tonight.  He is currently a little coma beast in his bed.  

Hopefully I will sleep OK, too.  I did find a little bit of Wild Yam (capsules) in my vitamin box so I took a dose.  Hopefully the few pills I have left will hold me until I get my shipment.  Ugh.   Too much caffeine today so hopefully that does not affect me.  

I am definitely going to bed early.  

Hot Flashes all Tuesday night

I realized I have been having HOT FLASHES most nights and that's what wakes me up, the bed is soaked, I am dying of thirst, etc.  This happened several times last night.  I was very thirsty every time but my sugars have been checked and I am not diabetic.  

I also read that hot flashes are a common side effect of antidepressants so there's that.  I believe, for me, it is a combination of hormonal and pharmaceutical.  Not fun at any rate.  

I woke up for good around 7 AM.  Pretty uneventful for a little while until Ron fell between the bed and the wall again.  It took a while to get him up.  

I cleared off the bookcase in the garage and placed it between the bed and the wall, stripped the bed, washed the sheets, got Ron in his bed, etc.  He is OK.  

Hopefully the bookcase will prevent him from falling again, there is nothing heavy in it to fall on him if he does manage to knock it over somehow.  He seems to like the setup.  

I just hope I will be done with hormonal drama pretty soon.  I'm going to let my hair dry for a while (just took a shower) and then take a nap.  

I am hoping the hot flashes will abate pretty soon as they are really messing with my sleep.  This could have been going on for a while, I wake up, I'm thirsty, I use the toilet but I don't often notice if I'm hot.  I think this has been going on since at least December.  

But on the plus side Ron and the cats are good there is NOTHING I need to do for them aside from giving Ron his multi vitamin.  

Tuesday afternoon

Ron had a very healthy lunch of V8 and hardboiled eggs.  He asked to do physical therapy, which we did.  He did not want to practice transfers but he did the other exercises.  

I had a pretty good nap, Cleo laid down with me but got up while I slept.  Ron's pain has been manageable today.  I got the insurance forms for next year, and I watered the grass/jasmine.  I want to keep the soil moist because my pipes run underground.  

Long time readers, do you remember the horrible time I had when that pipe broke in my yard back in 2011?  What is it with me and broken pipes?  But my soil is nice and moist now, I didn't have a lot of run off either.  I am sure the ecosystem is happy.  

I did have an overwhelming urge to run through the sprinkler, though.  I never went to water parks in Virginia.  I did, however, have the sprinkler.  Dad would set it up in the front yard and we kids would run back and forth.  Good times.  When we moved to CA they had a water park some distance, and I went several times... but I still have fond memories of the sprinkler.  

Ron and I never went to a water park, amusement park, etc.  We went hiking one time only.  It is a big regret of mine.  

Ron had a friend who, as it turns out, later diagnosed bipolar.  He had a car and picked us up one day, said "pack for a couple of days" and took us to Yosemite.  He wouldn't let us get out of the car, though, he didn't want us hiking without him and he had recently had foot surgery, so he played dog in a manger - I can't do it and neither can you.  I would have loved to go hiking with Ron there.  I really wanted to take Ron on this hike.  Oh, well.  

We did hit Galveston plenty before the accident so no real regrets there.  

Ron made trips for tomorrow, we work, but not a very long time.  Sales just don't merit a lot of time spent.  He does need to sort change.  I can do the rest.  

The cats have been very cute we had 3 of them up on the bed during the physical therapy, pretty funny.  They kept getting in his way.  

But there is no way Ron would agree to go to a facility for PT, even assuming they are open.  I finished doing the laundry... cooked up some taco meat and had a good lunch.  The corn tortillas couldn't handle the meat so I tore them up and made a casserole.  It was pretty good.  Then I did the dishes... so the housework is current.  

I already took my pills but plan to have a cup of noodles later on.  Spotty and Cleo are wrestling.  

I may not have said it, the last 2 times I got "a" kitten I got a pair.  When I had a single kitten I had issues with them being hyper, bugging me when I wanted peace, attacking my feet when I slept in bed, peeing on the covers, etc.  

Biscuit and Gravy came as a pair and were a dream, none of the above issues.  Just two happy little boys.  Last year I got Cleo and Spotty as a pair, no issues.  At worst he tried to mount her a few times before I got him fixed but that abated.  They love each other and get along great, work out all that bonus energy on each other... definitely get two if you are thinking about getting "a" kitten.  

You really want to impress me?  Get two all black ones!  The blackies are awesome pets and very glamorous lying around your home, and the cat hair will not show up on dark clothes.  I had nothing but good times with Bubba (the black one) and would absolutely get another black cat.  

As it turned out Cleo and Spotty needed me the most, so I took them.  And I'm glad I did.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

Yesterday was just crazy, I went to bed early.  

I had a mild headache which is probably the barra de coco.  But worth it I LOVE those things.  It really hits my sweet tooth.  I did not need to know that Walmart had them, though.  

Anyway I slept pretty well except for the headache, cats were hungry when I got up.  I drank a couple diet dews and got going.  Ron was still asleep.  No shower yet I am not feeling it (still depressed, but took my pills).  

Cleo just came over and meowed at me!  She very seldom does that so she got some treats.  She doesn't even meow when hungry, but she must have really wanted some treats.  Happy to oblige.  

Ron was sleeping very quietly he has a radio with a headphone jack, he can listen quietly while I sleep.  He listens to various things, conservative talk shows, coast to coast radio, etc.  

I calculated my budget (pitiful, but Ron said I can take some money from savings), got online and paid the homeowner's fee.  That was $85 but I only have 2 more payments after this.  It went through OK this time, I had troubles with the interface before.  I sent my parents some bean seasoning mix I had told them I would do that a while ago.  

It was funny, I can buy the 3 ounce jar locally for less than $3.  But online the same jar is $9, and a pound is $13.  So I got the pound, they will like it.  She did mention she needed a way to cook the beans in her pantry and it makes everything delicious.  

If she doesn't want it all she can give some to my stepbrother who is a pretty serious cook.  He and his wife both are.  She is busy making gourmet bbq sauces right now as near as I can tell, today.  

That is good food was pretty bland growing up.  And that is being gentle.  Dad was always a huge fan of his wife's cooking.  I think some of it he was just glad she was up in the clean house cooking him a meal when he got home.  My mother wasn't often that capable.  

I was sitting at Walmart looking at the mothers with the kids yesterday, I had a little wait on Arturo but that's OK because he is reliable and helps with the groceries.  So I saw a lot of families, mainly mothers with kids.  

And I sat there wondering "Why couldn't my mother love me?"  Was the illness just that bad?  Was it the alcohol in addition?  The fact she had already lost a child and did not want to bond again?  I remember how she never visited.  

Once or twice I was present when someone would go off on my Dad for "refusing" her visitation, even though she willingly surrendered custody - and who does that?  Anyway he would always tell them "She is welcome to visit Heather as long as she is sober"  so I very seldom saw her.  

Then, when she did visit there was always the buildup where people would tell me "she was sick and not like a regular Mommy" etc.  "You have to be understanding" which is a CRAP thing to say to a child (her friend told me that).  

Then I would walk in the room she would fall on me, "Oh, my Baby" waterworks, she would eventually calm down a little, give me a snack, and then time to go.  Waterworks again "Oh, my Baby" and I wouldn't see her for years.  

My half sister did not like how my Dad treated her and her mother - had some things to say about him and the marriage, but never once said Dad refused visitation.  My mother could have come whenever she wanted.  So if I was so important wouldn't she have been there every week?  Fighting to get summers and Christmas?  Thanksgiving?  

It really made me feel second class.  My friends some of them their parents went to court and had vicious battles for the kids' time.  Every time I saw her I had to console her.  It just wasn't right.  

It did a really good job of making me feel unlovable.  Especially when coupled with later events in my Dad's house, where it was always made clear to me I came in dead last.  I can only think of one occasion when I didn't.  

I had a very severe depression when I hit puberty, worse than normal.  I didn't even know what day it was.  They put me on Prozac, back then they didn't know it could make things worse.  It did, I became fiercely suicidal.  

I finally went to the school counselor and told him I had planned to commit suicide that morning, and gave him my bottle of pills.  Boy, that got the ball rolling.  

When told about this, my Dad actually left work early (the only time he ever did) and came to meet me, rode with me in the ambulance when they took me to the hospital, got me some snacks, etc.  Very concerned and devoted.  It meant a lot.  I will have to tell him this.  

But that's the only time I felt I came first.  

Should I have been at the center of anyone's universe?  No, but when Ron offered to make me his it was irresistible.   

The good news they eventually figured out the prozac was making kids suicidal and they started doing black box warnings.  When I was in the hospital I met 3 people who had been raped.  That helped put things in perspective.  

I plan to take it easy today, I got the bills paid and that was #1.  Water, electric (Ron got the gas, mortgage, and cable), homeowners, etc.  I have lots of cat food so I don't have to worry if I need to stay home for a while.  I need to finish a load of clothes but that doesn't have to happen right now.  

I sent a little gift to the parents so that's good.  I don't generally "do" mother's or father's day.  But I do call every week and they say that is a big deal.  Hopefully they will enjoy it and it only cost $13 if they don't.  

That's it for now.