Saturday evening

 Well I got to work, did my work, came home.  Boss wanted me to clock in early so I did.  That's an extra $6 in my pocket.  Some issues at work, Dad asked (during our phone call) if all the stores were run that way and I had to say I don't think so, I think it's just this store.  I left, 2 homeless guys and a dog (men were not together) at the bus stop.  Not crazy about the dog, has it had it's shots?  Is it vicious?  Is it going to run out into traffic and get hit?  Got my bus it was my usual guy, and then the other usual guy at the transit center.  Walked home, pretty hot, here comes summer.  

House was a good temperature I was pleased with where I set the A/C.  It is set at over 80 and I am happy with it.  Should keep my bills down too.  

Came home, talking to my aunt as I walked, she is doing well.  Got home, laid down for half an hour and called my parents.  They are doing really well.  Dad is on the board of a new charity and really likes what they are doing.  

I am tired.  I hurt.  I am going to bed early.  That is all.  

Saturday morning

 Work was OK.  It was funny coming home, no ride.  I called him about 10 minutes after and he was freaking out, said he had forgotten and would be right over.  So I had to wait another 15 minutes, but he did come and I still got home faster than I would have on the bus.  And one time in a year is not bad.  

Got home, texted my parents, and went to bed.  Slept mostly OK but did wake up once.  Got up, fed the cats, took my pills, had a light snack.  I got the pork stew going I just did salt, pepper, and some tomatoes with peppers.  I thought that would make a good result.  We'll see.  I can't eat garlic as I am allergic and it gives me a headache, but next time I think I will do chili powder, cumin, oregano, and a roasted mild green pepper.  But this should be fine.  Hard to go wrong with "ro-tel".  I got the generic version but it looked good.  

The cats are good, I fed them already and Biscuit is hanging out on the couch.  He's pretty cute.  Spotty hung out with me during my God time and Cleo is around.  

I need to get dressed, that's it for now.  

Friday morning

Last night was sad and disturbing at work, some employee drama.  I was untouched by it but it was still sad.  

I had an uneventful ride to work, did some banking.  That took a while waiting in line.  But I got some cash and also transferred the money to savings.  Then I did a little shopping.  

Can't say much about the how but I had cause to wonder if my cards had been wiped, I tested one after work and it was fine.  Jack appreciated the giant candy bar.  Still no new vest, I asked about it and she said "NO" so that's that.  Nearly all my coworkers are walking around in the new vests and I'm in the old one.  That's a little weird.  

Came home, called my parents, went to bed.  I need to figure out lunch today.  The cheap part of me wants to bring some pulled pork and leave it at that but I might want a hamburger, but I would rather save that for a really bad day and not just a "I don't feel like my own cooking" day.  

I slept OK but did wake up one time.  I had a drink of orange juice and back to bed.  When I got up I had a 100 mg caffeine tablet to get me going and then some more orange juice, ate a fake nutrigrain bar and had my medication.  

I am feeling unmotivated but I assume that will change as I get closer to leaving.  I still need to get dressed, do my lunch, and do up the candy.  That's all done.  

I am debating getting my dryer vent cleaned.  It goes straight up to the roof from the laundry room.  It has never been cleaned as long as I owned the house.  Dryer times are pretty slow.  It might help with dry times and would definitely mitigate fire risk.   I am thinking about it.  That's the sort of preventive thing I don't mind.  But my aunt wants to check it out; she's only had dryers that vent to the outside at ground level.  But I got a good eyeball when they took out all the drywall for the pipe break and it goes straight up.  

Anyway about ready to go.  It will be nice today; I will need to plan my cab ride for tomorrow morning.  I budgeted for that.  Sometimes it all seems so overwhelming but I have to do it, there's no one else.  It is sad.  

I have my faith which carries me but a lot of people don't and are just hopeless and alone out there which bothers me.  So I hand out the candy with the Scripture booklets.  As bad as it can be with my faith I can't imagine trying to navigate without.  

That's it for now.  I did bring the pulled pork.  

Thursday morning

 I slept OK but woke up at 3 am.  I had some water, put a glass of water in the fridge (could NEVER do that with Ron alive!) and went back to bed.  Hit the snooze a few times, woke up, 3 cats in the bed.  Gave Cleo a kiss, got up, fed everyone.  

I sicced my aunt on the property tax exemption I am sure she will figure it out, she was a CPA.  I used the nice rose scented towelette to wash my face this morning so everything smells like roses.  Not overpowering though, just a nice light fragrance.  It is good for my skin too.  

I really prefer to take my shower at night and then wash my face in the morning, good to go for work once I do my hair.  I cooked some rice which I will pair with some beans (for lunch) and pulled pork (I found it in the freezer) for dinner.  I still need to "do up" the lunches though.  It shouldn't take long.  

I had high hopes I would eliminate the starchy mess when I rinsed my rice but either it didn't work, or I didn't rinse long enough.  So I will rinse longer next time.  I also got a new brand of rice so hopefully that will help.  It is grown in the US but tailored to Latinos it even has a recipe on it in Spanish.  I gathered enough it has long grain rice and that's all that really matters.  

It doesn't matter if I rinse it because I take a multi vitamin.  I need to get another bottle, by the way, I got into my reserve last night doing up my pills.  That's one thing I don't want to keep very long: vitamins, because they do lose potency.  I also need to put my evening pills into my lunch bag.  I really prefer to take my pills at my lunch/dinner break even though they make me thirsty.  

And I got a nice assortment of lunch snacks so I can enjoy those this week.  It won't be a hard week; I have 2 longer days tonight and tomorrow, then three, 4 hour shifts which will only be long due to transit.  I have enough bonus money I may be able to get a ride home from work on Monday afternoon.  I will have to see how the budget goes.  When I am in lean mode working my usual shift I only do a ride Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday morning (because I have such a short turn around I end up taking more of a nap Friday night and then getting up early Saturday, taking a cab gives me another couple hours).  So I will see.  

Today the big goal is to get $250 moved to savings - and that is one thing a lot of people don't get when I tell them the house is paid - I still have to pay taxes and insurance, which adds up.  So I need to do that and get my "ride" money, plus maybe $40 in spending cash, out of my checking account.  I may take out more cash on Monday so I can buy a meat lover pizza for the fence guys.  I have yet to meet a guy does manual labor say no to a meatlover pizza.  Get a 6 pack of cokes, put some waters in the fridge, and get some powerades and we are good to go.  I believe in being a good host, that was always important to Ron too.  

Growing up my adoptive mother always had a huge thanksgiving party every year with a monster turkey, all the sides, several female relatives come in to help, a whole table of pies for dessert, etc. so that's what I consider being a good host.  Did I have parties?  No, never, but when someone comes by to do work I'm going to feed him and get him some drinks.  The paint and drywall guys wouldn't take any food (I tried!) but the helper would take Bangs and Monsters so I kept him supplied.  

It is funny at Thanksgiving even great grandmother got in on it and made her famous yeast rolls.  No one could make them like her.  My Mom picked up the trick though and does make them now even though she has gluten issues.  Dad always liked the cream pie, that was his highlight.  I always liked the ham and some dark meat with that sugar-shock sweet potato casserole, with the butter, brown sugar, and marshmallows.  

My aunt does a pretty big spread too and her son always deep fries a turkey.  That is pretty good.  This year I will stay home though and figure out my own dinner.  They have a big event downtown called "Super feast" for people like me but I am so paranoid about food safety.  I do trust my aunt, though.  I don't know if the store will be open, either.  I think it will be pretty quiet if they do open.  Probably not worth it so 50% odds they close it.  

I talked to my aunt last night, I think evening is a better time to talk to her.  She is doing well getting rid of those termites.  The grandkids are good.  So are the parents.  She says she is coming down in June and will make a point to see me one day, which is great.  I just need to find out which day so I can ask for it off.  I am sure they will give it to me I don't ask for much.  And it is pretty easy to put in a time off request.  

I just loaded my app, it is telling me about Walmart plus.  Which is fine, but I tried to sign up for it from home and it said I had to be at work on the personnel computer.  When I am at work I am working not sitting around in personnel.  So that is kind of useless.  I have a long employee number I don't think anyone's going to get it and impersonate me.  And I don't want to download anything on my phone, the timeclock/price checker app is bad enough.  

And the customers have figured out all employees are price checkers now and bring armloads of merchandise to us, have me check, and then dump 9/10 of it at my feet and walk off.  I prefer the old price checker.  

But it's not "my" store like the vending business so I have to adjust, and I do.  

On a totally unrelated note I have seen a lot of spiders in here.  I am not sure what is going on with that, overall I don't have an issue with spiders unless it is one of these: Wolf spider  I freaked out pretty good when I saw one of those.  

I got it, though.  Living with a blind man I had to grow some brass balls.  Came in handy after he died I just dealt with problems like I always had.  

I am going to get ready, will be back.   All set.  I have to run by the bank before work but that won't take long.  I got my cuddles from Cleo this morning, Spotty while I was doing my God time and getting dressed, Biscuit has been around but not super cuddly.  

I am still figuring out how to feed them the days I am gone a while.  When I'm home I don't mind feeding them 3-4 smaller meals all adds up to about a half cup each per day.  When I'm gone they get hungry when I'm at work so I feel like I have to give them a bigger meal when I leave.  I just hate to feel like I'm starving them; Ron was the same way and one reason we have such big cats.  So I will give them their portion when I leave and hope they are happy with that when I'm working.  

It is funny I tried feeding them at night but they wouldn't have it, ate everything and still wanted breakfast.  I will figure it out.  

I need to figure out my last minute stuff before I head out the door.  That's it for now.  

Wednesday afternoon

I had a decent nap but lost it (for me) during a TV show wedding.  But I remind myself, and not sure if I said this already, with all that has happened to me I would be a psychopath if I wasn't grieving.  I keep thinking "I knew Ron was in decline, I was mourning a lot of losses for the last several years, I should be over it already" and I'm not.  

Do I need counseling?  I would certainly benefit.  But 2003 was pretty awful too, Ron got hurt, my grandmother died, I found out my mother died, and I lost 2 cats.  I got through that.  

Still I might look into it if I can figure out how to do the webcam on Windows 7.  

I got an invitation to a community BBQ they had a picture of brisket and links on the invite.  Free, I assume, the community has done something every year since I moved here. BUT I helped Ron study for two food safety permits and that really ruined me for potlucks/group food sort of things.  Free smoked meat, delicious as I'm sure it may be, vs. days on the toilet and losing time from work?  No thanks.  

Besides I think I have a BBQ thing in the freezer I will likely try for dinner.  Frozen BBQ pulled pork if I remember correctly.  I will probably have an avalanche trying to get it out but it sounds good, I was wondering what to have.  I have found with my brain I need to have some really delicious and easy to prepare ready made foods on hand for depression days.  

I am so glad I never had a child to suffer with this.  That would just kill me.  Because what I have is hugely genetic you can go back generations on both sides.  I remember my aunt telling me all the family members who committed suicide and I was just gaping.  I don't blame my parents but I would have definitely blamed myself.  

It would be nice to have a piece of Ron running around to give me a hug now and then but not at the cost...

I found some wet clothes in the dryer, still smelled OK but can't remember when I put them in there, so I washed them again.  I didn't have a whole lot of new dirty clothes but I wanted it all washed.  I also threw some baking soda in there to keep everything fresh.  

When Ron was at his worst, bed-bound, I had a special formula.  I would strip, say, dirty clothes (he wouldn't let me change his shirt very often, and he didn't wear pants), dirty bedding (could be peed on or just soiled in some other way, even just sweat), throw that in the wash with 1/4 cup each: borax, baking soda, and washing soda.  That plus however many detergent packs I needed to make the load (3-4 for a big load) and run it on soak, then after that finished run it on wash and everything was as good as new.  No odor, no stains, so I am a big fan of baking soda because those dirty t shirts would reek of alcohol and old sweat when I put them in there.  I didn't use a whole lot, either, didn't need it.  So I have had the same large box for years now.  

I actually like doing laundry.  Not so crazy about putting it away, though.  My aunt gave me a small bottle of dish liquid so I plan to carry that to work and use it to wash out my work dishes at work.  Nothing more depressing than coming home from a long day at work and having to do more dishes.  

I am waiting on my rice strainer and then I will cook it, then dish it up and mix it with some beans.  I like canned garbanzos and dark red kidney beans, they are good together.  That is a good meal.  I will take some meat + rice from the freezer just in case I do get hungry.  And bring some work snacks also, the chiky cookies and the cheese on whole wheat crackers that happily came back to work (had been gone for over a year).  

I noticed the store was a lot better stocked when I shopped on Sunday night.  Hopefully inflated prices = better stock if I have to deal with inflation.  

I talked to my sister she is getting another operation, but not a major one.  She has always had health problems.  Other than that she is doing OK and her cat is fine.  

I talked to my aunt a little but she was distracted watching 2 grand kids.  It sounds like her boys, their wives, and the kids are all good though.  She found a nice walking trail near her home so they can go walking every day; one thing I think has helped them stay so healthy.  

Budget looks pretty good, enough to pay for Doc.  Doc has not charged me for visits since COVID hit but his assistant did ask for payment info.  I gave it to her and wrote it into my budget.  He works, the girls (office staff) work, they deserve to be paid.  And then even after the prescriptions I am still doing OK.  Last time I got them 4 of them were $75 for 3 months.  

And I did up my pills for 3 weeks.  I also put some night time pills in baggies I can stick in my lunch, so I can take my evening meds at work, on my lunch.  Only problem with that I get a little thirsty but I don't like eating again when I get home.  I am bad about forgetting to take the pills to work when I work nights.  

Does it count as working nights if I'm off at 10?  I don't know.  But if I work late I want to have everything on board, and if I am a little fragile right now I need to be proactive.  

That's it for now.  Biscuit is passed out on the couch I don't know where the other cats are.  

Wednesday morning

 I woke up a couple of times but slept OK.  I need to remember to try the passionflower tea before bed.  That is supposed to help with sleep.  I am very careful with caffeine.  The other tea helped the nausea; I also had some saltines.  I don't normally do saltines but it helped; glad I have them.

I drank the rest of the tea this morning.  Pretty badly depressed today!  So I got smart and called Doc, not because I'm depressed (that is going to happen no matter what I take or do), and set up a phone appointment for a couple of weeks.  I have 3 days off in a row coming up so I can hopefully do that.  Anyway I will let him know I am having problems with depression but dude, my husband died, big job changes, tight budget, having to ride public transit to work and pay for rides, 2 cats died...there is a lot going on so I think he would be worried if I WEREN'T depressed.  And writing it out it's like, duh, of course.  So there's that.  

And I did my God Time.  I haven't done the intercessory prayer in a while and I need to figure that out.  I don't think I'm up for plowing through the huge notebook anymore.  At least not for a while yet.  But I feel like I need to do something, this is one of the only things I'm going to take out of my life.  

But I feel a little bit like one of those ropes you see tested, where they pull and pull and twist on it, trying to get it to break, and it streeeetches....and you wonder when it's going to snap.  I can't carry any of this on my own I am leaving it up to God.  I need to focus on leaving things in His lap and not trying the whole Pride thing, doing for myself, because that way I will snap.  

And I have no idea who reads this so maybe it will help you in your life, I hope so.  That's why I started the blog, to have a voice for people who were actually managing their bipolar disorder and taking medication as directed, trying to live a "boring" stable life.  And that's my goal.  And serve God however He wants.  

So Doc may be out of town in 2 weeks we will see, she asked about 3 weeks and I had to say I don't know my schedule, I work at Walmart.  "Oh".  Not like old days!  I could set up pretty much any appointment and then work my work schedule around it.  I will figure it out.  

Years ago I did ask Doc for an extra 3 month refill and he gave it, I got it filled, so if it takes a little while getting the visit I will be OK, which is why we did the refill.  You don't want to play with medication for this illness.  You really don't.  

Years ago I had a week long migraine resulting from eating a small brownie on my anniversary, no less.  I was vomiting in a bucket for a week trying desperately to hold down small sips of water, barely able to drag myself to the toilet now and then.  I don't know how Ron cared for himself but he ate something and got himself to the bathroom the whole week unassisted.  Thank God.  I could not eat, much less take my medication, and I could literally feel myself unraveling it was horrible.  At the end of the week I ate something and gagged down a whole day's worth of pills.  It was too soon, I had a lot of gastric irritation for a couple of weeks, but it was on board, and I immediately felt better once it kicked in.  

I don't take anything addictive; an antidepressant, 2 mood stabilizers, and one medication that is also helpful for my condition.  That's it.  

One thing I plan to do pretty quick is do up a couple weeks of medication in my pill organizer.   Done.  

And my antidepressant has kicked in enough I can face the day; but not necessarily going out.  That's better than nothing.  

Tuesday night

 My poor stomach.  

I should let you know a pet peeve of mine: when someone calls their entire abdomen their "stomach".  Stomach is upper left, under the ribs.  Liver is upper right, intestines are in the middle.  Depending on gender you may or may not have a uterus and some ovaries in there.  It must be very annoying for doctors to deal with a "stomach ache" that turns out to be an ovarian cyst or gallbladder issue.  

The other gripe is calling belly/abdomen "my tummy".  

Anyway the multivitamin with iron was one thing.  Then later on I took the b vitamin, on an empty stomach.  When I got up I had iced tea, also on an empty stomach.  No wonder I am queasy.  

But I have Chinese herbs.  I got out the licorice root slices and rinsed them off because they are packaged with sulfur dioxide.  That can be a migraine trigger so I wanted to rinse them really well.  I always try to keep ginger root in the fridge so I sliced some of that up and threw it in the pot along with the licorice.  A couple cups of water, boil for half an hour, cool and drink, a good stomach and immune system tonic.  

I cleaned out the fridge and took out the last of the trash.  It surprises me every week, I generate so much less now that Ron's gone.  Now some of it was the home care stuff but even when he was pretty spry I just had lots more.  It still takes me aback over a year later.  I could practically put out a 20 gallon can and be done with it, every week.  One bag for kitchen, one for bathroom, done.  

Still pretty depressed but functional at least.  My parents asked me what I had planned for tomorrow and I said I had no idea.  And I really don't.  A lot of it goes to me getting paid and how much that might be.  I have a guess on what I'm getting but who knows?  

Happily I didn't spend much at the grocery store.  The ride cost me almost more than the groceries.  I made a joke some time back on Facebook about needing a "ride Daddy".  Ron was pretty good for that with paratransit.  These days though I have to pay for the ride unless I am with my aunt.  

And between us no one has ever said "I'll run you around on your day off and don't worry about paying me".  I look normal so they forget I have disabilities.  At times I almost envy Ron being so obviously disabled. 

That's it for now.  

Tuesday afternoon

 I will remind a certain party I will delete abusive comments.  God is sovereign; I am moderator.  

All I will say.  While I did get a tax refund I intend to use it for emergencies and not day to day stuff.  That's just smart.  And my day to day budget is pretty lean sorry if that offends you.  😂.  When "we" had money in the past we ate out a lot which I always felt was a waste but Ron wanted to do it.  And when I was depressed I sure didn't want to do meal prep.  I have a modest income and I see this as living within my means.  

Re: clothes I now have a decent amount which I plan to enjoy.  I am not obsessed with weight loss, my goal is to eat more unprocessed foods and minimal things like McDonald's.  I am not gaining, eating this way, so I am happy.  I am still figuring out my diet.  

I am catching up on my dishes and I made some tea which, again, made me very queasy.  I may need to cut back on the tea.  Ugh.  Or not drink it on an empty stomach.  I will maybe make a note and put it on the box of tea.  That's an easy fix.  

Since it is my house I can leave a note on the cabinet if I want.  Ugh.  I am about halfway through the dishes.  I am debating if I want to do some cooking tonight or not.  

I need to get that rice strainer from Amazon, that is one thing I will spend refund money on as I am cooking a lot of rice lately.  It goes well with some beans for my lunch.  I found one for $10 it has good reviews.  

Too much starch in the rice makes a mess when I cook it.  I am tired of that and I even had some on the floor under the counter (almost slipped and broke my neck!) last time.  

Tomorrow I need to sweep and mop.  Do some laundry.  I will get it.  I think I will have coffee in the morning for my caffeine, though.  My stomach has to deal with some very toxic medication so I am actually impressed the poor thing does as well as it does.  

Re: toxic effects from medication I would have been dead in 2006 without my medication so every day is a gift.  I don't look at it as "I am owed 85 years" but I will live out my allotted days.  I get to determine the quality of those days to some extent; good food choices and exercise vs. sedentary life stuffing my face with high fructose corn syrup and MSG.  I can prevent or delay diabetes, etc.  Ron was meant to die at 66 but some of his choices when he was well contributed to a lot of suffering the last 20 years.  Not victim blaming but the man NEVER ate a vegetable, had 10-12 shots of vodka a day, etc.  

And, knowing my Dad is a type 2 diabetic, I need to be smart.  My mother also had terrible arthritis so I think that goes to wheat and other food choices.  I know I have a lot fewer aches and pains since I cut out most of the wheat.  That's going to really influence quality of life.  

But the medication stays, toxic as it may be.  I am OK with that.  The "bad" one can cause digestive trouble and kidney issues but I am monitored.  Another one can cause liver issues but again that is checked.  And it works pretty well for mood and all.  

I am going to check the mail.  It has been overcast all day but not "bad".  I got a credit card offer (not interested, I have 2), a gift statement from a charity (that sent me a nasty email when I had to stop donating), and a brochure about a new Scripture journal from Church source.  I am not interested in that.  I just do my "read your Bible in a year" plan every day along with some devotionals.  

This morning I had a little bit of a dilemma about my clothes.  I wear oversized t shirts, do that every day of the year.  But what to wear on the lower half?  I did wear those slip on shoes I have mentioned.  

I was getting a ride from a married man and did not want to ever be thought of as sending the wrong message.  I would have dressed the same if he had been single: no perfume, comfortable, loose fitting jeans.  And the baggy t-shirt.  

I had some shorts I generally wear on my day off.  They go about halfway to 3/4 of the way down my thigh but I just feel like I need to be more conservative.  If that means dressing "old" so be it.  I just want to be very clear in the message I am sending.  Now, when I got home, you can bet I put on my baggy knit shorts.  And I am still in them.  But I just want to be careful.  

Now, on a day off I would have no problem wearing bermuda shorts on the bus to run an errand.  I just want to be careful about the message I am sending.  It is hard to take back a wrong impression.  And I am not looking for a man.  I have Him, that's all I need for now.  And the boys, who can forget sweet Biscuit and Spotty?  Do I have a heart emoji?  💜💜

So that's my thinking.  You may laugh but I'm the old widow lady I am entitled to dress like a frump if I want.  One reason I am not really focused on weight loss per se because I am not interested in showing off my body right now.  What message am I sending?  

Am I buying a burqua?  No.  Am I going to wear a head scarf like some of my coworkers?  No.  Am I only going out in public with a male family member?  No.  So I'm conservative but not that far.  

And I just don't see a benefit to showing it all off right now.  If I remarry I could see having a form fitting outfit when he came home from work and serve him his dinner with a smile...but wearing it out in public less likely.  

Ugh I really am horribly queasy.  I need to remember this about the tea.  That's it for now.  

Tuesday 3 AM to Noon

I woke up around 1:30 with a headache, had a cold drink, went back to bed with Biscuit, couldn't sleep, got up after a while and on computer.  

Last night I got my shower so happy about that.  I also arranged a ride to FoodTown later today with Jack.  I still need to do dishes today as well.  But that's all I plan to do: shop, dishes, cook today and then some house cleaning tomorrow.  

The cats are good but Biscuit was growling at the cat door, one of the neighborhood cats must have come by to say hello, and Biscuit is pretty territorial.  He was fine about Spotty, Cleo, and Mama cat but any other cat is on the no fly list.  It only took about 30 seconds and the other cat left.  Probably just checking in.  One day I will probably wake up to a strange cat in my bed.  

Ooh I feel dizzy I am going to lay down.  

Went back to sleep for a while, had my trusty Biscuit with me.  He's a good boy.  Biscuit and Cleo are very cuddly, paws on, when I'm in bed.  Spotty is more of a "When you're awake I will come up and meow for petting" sort of cat.  That's all fine.  I got a little more sleep and got up when my alarm went off.  

I plan to call Jack in about 20 minutes.  Ideally I would get to Food Town right when they open but I am certain he doesn't, didn't, want to get up that early I know I didn't.  I will have to make this trip count as I have a pretty lean budget this pay period.  

Not that I am complaining savings are getting made and the bills getting paid, that's what matters.  So I got up and did my God Time.  Happy about that.  I think that is always important, did up some candy and English and Espanol so I can share Him at Foodtown.  I have to refrain at work because they are pretty clear on being "inclusive" I have talked about this.  But off the clock at another store there is no issue.  

One day at work a woman came up to me and asked me how Ron was doing.  She called him my husband, didn't know his name.  I explained he had died but it had been very quick with no pain (as near as I can tell).  She was very sorry to hear it and said she remembered us from when he used to bring me to Food Town on the Metro Lift.  He would wait for me up front listening to his music or a talking book.  She had fond memories of us and was genuinely sorry to hear he was gone.  And we hadn't really been there in years it was a big hassle with the transportation.  I guess Ron and I made a big impact wherever we went.  I don't really think about it until someone asks about Ron.  

Food Town had some nice little individually wrapped cookies I would sell at a very low price in the vending machine.  My cost, 25 cents, for sale at 50 cents.  That sort of thing.  Some of the customers loved it others accused me of "Favoring the Mexicans" and demanding special Asian foods in the vending machine as well.  Let me tell you the Asians never, EVER, put a penny into my vending machines so that would have been a huge waste of space and money.  I told them no, I am selling these cheap because I got a good deal, if someone doesn't have the full 75 cents for the regular cookies I would like them to still have an option (I also did a really nice 2 pack of saltines for a quarter which did very well, I think they were Pozuelo [edit: it was]).  If you don't like it don't buy it.  I still have plenty of regular foods.  If no one buys them I will take them out.  Sales dropped somewhat I think people figured out where I was getting them, and, like I said, the transportation was a nightmare so I stopped carrying them.  But I thought it was funny to be accused of racism (favoring the Mexicans).  Goes to show what Postal Workers get up to in the middle of their shift at 3 AM gossiping about the vendors.  

According to my Dad I am part Apache and if you go back a few generations I am sure I have some Latino as well.  In addition to the Scottish that is very well documented.  My Mom's side is more vague my brother swears our grandmother was "full blooded Native American" but based on her last name I kind of doubt that.  I have an intense sense of privacy regarding my DNA otherwise I would do one of those tests.  I am sure it would be interesting.  

All that said I did donate a couple gallons of blood.  They always took a lot of vials of blood before they actually put it in the collection bag so I am sure my DNA is on file somewhere.  But I prefer the illusion it is private.  

I am sure they would like to use me in a study, they were actually doing one to study weight, blood sugar, cholesterol, urine analysis, and DNA study to see if they could find an obesity marker, or a heart attack one.  I think my results would depress me.  My birth mother had breast cancer, for instance, and I am not eager to find out if I have the cancer gene.  That would sort of ruin my life even with my faith.  This way I can be happily ignorant.  For instance, how could I remarry knowing odds were I would get a breast or ovarian cancer?  I wouldn't feel like that would be fair to the man, or his family.  It is heartbreaking to watch a loved one suffer I wouldn't want to put someone I loved through that.  

Ron didn't really have a choice it was me or the nursing home, according to his family.  So he went with me and for a long time he did pretty well.  It wasn't until about 2011 he really went down hill.  Even then I didn't mind pushing him in the wheelchair and all.  But watching him in pain was the worst.  

I guess if I do get serious about someone I will have to be tested so we go into it with clear eyes.  There are a lot of cancer caregivers on my group and it really tears them up.  I wouldn't want to do that to anyone.  To be honest I would not want to get involved with someone with a serious medical condition either.   I'm just too raw on that.  

Anyway I called Jack and we went to Foodtown.  He waited for me.  I tried to be quick but probably took about 20 minutes.  I got chicken thighs, I plan to cook them in the crock pot.  I also got pork stew meat it was almost $3 a pound BUT it is all meat with not a lot of fat in it.  That will also go in the crock pot (not at the same time 😋)  That will be delicious.  I love chicken thighs above all other poultry.  And it's just me so I can eat whatever the heck I want.  The pork stew meat I plan to do some "Ro Tel" (generic brand diced tomatoes and peppers) with it.  I looked around for sage at the store but I was in a hurry and didn't see it.  I can look at work, I feel OK about getting spices there.  

My Dad bought me a very nice hand cart.  He keeps calling it my "Bag Lady" cart, which I find funny.  And true.  I do pretty well considering my limits.  

It is pretty big but that's good, and I won't be getting heavy things.  And I don't need to go grocery shopping for a few weeks.  Next week I have the fence guys coming by on my day(s) off.  I plan to maybe pick up a few smaller things at work on Monday after I get off at 2 PM.  Ride the bus home with it.  Save some money.  

Did up my budget it is about $480 in expenses so it remains to be seen what I net tomorrow.  I don't like to spend "more" on transportation if I can avoid it.  

While at the store I did hand out a few bags of candy.  I don't work there so I could.  I had English and Spanish, the Spanish had the Latino friendly "Fruit + chile" type stuff they like, and when they see it they get very excited so I feel I'm on the right track.  The English had the usual taffy, lollipops, etc. type stuff.  I felt good about doing that.  

And I got a decent amount of food.  I think I'm going to wait on getting meat next week as I have a lot right now.  (for me).  

When I got home I put my meat up and then called the HOA and explained 1.  The fence on the left is not my fence and 2.  I need another couple weeks to fix my fence.  He was fine with that.  

Plan to take a nap in a little bit.  I am pretty tired and, to be honest, a lot depressed.  Hopefully that will pass.  

You may remember about 10 years ago I had a problem with squirrels getting in my eaves and getting up to God Knows What up there.  I had Ron get up there and cover the worst entry point.  And then a friend found out about it, he lived nearby, and he came out and covered up the other ones.  So no more squirrels in the attic.  But ever since that I HATE squirrels I see them as rats with a furry tail.  A squirrel was slamming into my window near the computer and making a lot of racket.  He almost broke my window.  I don't know why he was doing that.  It didn't seem rabid or anything.  Just dumb.  

But I will never forget the sight of Ron on the stepladder, he was going to protect his woman if he fell, and he almost did, a couple times, but I was so upset I "let" him.  

And I recall one guy on Metrolift (paratransit) I got on and he was yelling at the driver, I sat down and was watching him.  Ron was coming out behind me.  The guy looks at me and says "You don't understand, I just had my baby toe cut off".  Then he got a look at Ron in the wheelchair and blind, laughing and joking with the driver, and shut up.  

Another time the driver was picking up a customer who was very abusive calling the driver a stupid bitch and worse.  She boarded (in a wheelchair) and Ron was in the back in his wheelchair.  Ron said "There's no call to talk to the driver like that".  She didn't look at Ron when she replied "But I'm in a wheelchair".  Ron replied "A wheelchair huh?  Are you blind, too?"  She said no, of course not.  "Well I'm blind and in a wheelchair and I treat the driver with respect, so shut up".  She got on her cell phone calling someone and crying because Ron was "mean" to her which was rich considering how awful she had been to the driver.  When we got off both Ron and I called in compliments on the driver.  

That's one thing I really liked about Ron.  

So I'm going to take my nap and hope I come out of it feeling better.  I think I will also take a b vitamin as well.  

Monday afternoon

 I finally got my hand cart put together.  I was worried it would be hard.  It was a little interesting as the cardboard box was held together with some pretty mighty staples, and the directions were translated from Chinese.  But I looked at the photo and got it figured out.  

I just didn't have the motivation to do it.  Doc says my primary depression symptoms is "loss of interest" which I have discussed before.  But I got it done.  

Tomorrow I need to arrange a ride to Food Town with Jack and see about it.  I think he will help if he can.  

I took a nap with Cleo, I didn't really sleep but I had a good time lying in bed with her.  She really only feels safe with me laying down which is fine.  But once I'm flat she is the cutest little thing purring, rubbing up against me, "Gimme pets!", just the sweetest and most loving little girl.  Compare that to 3 years ago with her running away from me when I had food in my hand and never, ever, letting me touch her.  So I am very proud of her.  

If something happens to me she will either have to go to a feral colony or to a very patient cat person.  She can never be picked up, for instance, I know that so I have never even tried.  She only loves me when I'm in bed... but if you're cool with that and want an awesome calico Cleo is your girl.  

My aunt has a friend who said she would have taken "all 5" last year so would likely take the 3.  So I don't worry about the guys if something happens.  

They have been very sweet and cuddly today.  That's nice.  

Problem is with depression no energy to cook.  So what do I eat?  I decided to go with an old standby.  I take a corn tortilla and put it on a plate.  Then top it with shredded cheese and microwave 30 seconds, when it comes out all gooey I fold it over and let it cool.  It's pretty good and the tortillas were still good.  I am glad I had the components.  Since it's just me I can't rely on Ron taking me out to dinner (old days) or getting delivery (also old days).  

My adoptive Mom talked about her single parent days (very difficult).  I think she would be OK with me letting out her ex bailed on her and 3 kids, with the youngest only a few weeks old.  She had to support them (back when it was difficult to get child support) on her salary as a secretary while paying for daycare out of her own pocket.  She said she used to dream of meeting a man who could cook, and prepare meals for the family.  

It's a lovely thought.  She ended up marrying an engineer (my Dad) who would burn water.  But he was pretty good at making a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich on white bread (gag).  I ate hundreds of those things growing up.  No wonder I was underweight.  Dad also used to pan fry flank steak every night for my dinner because it was the cheapest cut of meat, and determined that yes I would get hungry enough to eat the shoe leather he called "dinner".  He also did a decent scrambled egg so I ate a lot of those, too.  And milk, always drank buckets of it growing up.   

It is very nice having a meal fixed for me, if I do meet someone years down the road I will appreciate it, even if it's just a couple of fried eggs.  

When we first moved to Houston Ron's job opportunity dried up so he was aimless for a while.  He had to wait 6 months to get involved with the Blind Vendors program.  It is very difficult for blind people to find employment so he resolved to be the best husband he could.  Which meant getting up before me every morning, walking to the grocery store, buying a takeout breakfast for me, bringing it home, putting my electric kettle on to boil and preparing my lemon spice tea.  It was very sweet and thoughtful.  When he was like that I didn't care how long he had to wait.  He also unfortunately figured out the way to the liquor store.  He did like going to get fried chicken I was happy to teach him that route.  One of my bosses saw him one day and actually followed him back to the apartment, he was so impressed.  Then the boss came back to work and told me all about how Ron crossed the streets and found the right driveway all with a bag of chicken in his hand.  

All that to say I fixed a snack.  

I am trying to have raw and cooked meats in my freezer, which is only a few square feet.  I have done a pretty good job of that.  If I did have a bonus freezer I think I would have it about half meat and 1/4 vegetables, 1/4 prepared foods like the little lasagna meals.  This is just spitballing if I had a big lotto win or something.  Even a modest lotto win of say 50K I would get new roof and siding, get the freezer after having an electrician check out the works and see if my house could support it.  House is only rated at 100 amps so could be an issue.  Funny thing I do not play the lotto!  Just dreaming.  

I took out some of my aunt's breakfast casserole left over from Christmas I will have that for dinner with a side of veggies.  I am drinking a glass of mixed black and green tea with lemon.  I love lemons so much I think I need to put them in the grocery budget ongoing.  I don't do diet drinks at all now so the lemons fill a big gap.  

That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 I woke up a couple times but otherwise slept OK last night.  I slept in until 7 😂, got up.  

I got on the computer for a while, took my antidepressant, did my God Time.  Spotty came out from under the bed in Ron's (guest?) room, meowing sweetly at me, and got in my lap after rubbing scent markers all over my tablet (a gift from Dad some years back), it was adorable.  We read a couple of devotionals together until someone knocked on my door.  He only spoke Spanish but I gathered he wanted me to hire him to mow the lawn.  I said no thanks but did take a card because you never know.  He seemed like a nice kid and I don't ask questions on immigration status these days.  

God kind of let me know it was my job to evangelize them, only.  Not judge them.  And I don't anyway, I have been to the slums of Tijuana, spent a month total there in High School, and it was awful.  I would want to get away from that, too.  No running water the stench of rotting human waste...like a Mexican driver told me, they don't have a stray cat and dog problem, they get eaten.  It is that bad.  And they used to take us there to do mission work (church) and then take us to Disney on the way home.  Talk about culture shock.  

I had a horrific, suicidal depression at Disney one night after my youth group ditched me and ran off to do their own thing...it was horrible.  Everything was "happy, happy" and I just wanted to die.  If I could have figured out a way to do myself in I would have, it was that bad.  I had some ferocious bouts with suicide over the years but happily not for about 10 years on this (medication) cocktail.  

So anyway I didn't even like Disney even before they came out with the pride agenda.  They have a right to do that.  I have a right not to buy their products.  So I don't.  

I did like the open air markets in Tijuana.  They were fun I liked haggling even though my family never gave me much money, I would still buy them trinkets.  When we met Ron had a can of "Bullshit Repellent" he said a friend had bought him from Mexico, they had some fun novelty stuff at least 30 years ago.  It is not safe now though.  

I wore huraches most of high school.  My adoptive Mom got them at Payless shoes.  I wore them with everything.  I was bummed to see Payless go out of business I really liked buying shoes there.  This was before Ron and I had access to a Walmart which only started about 20 years ago.  My favorite current shoe is a slip on fake Croc I bought a couple years ago after the pipe break.  If I am out with my aunt I'm in those.  The rest of the time some sort of work sneaker.  

I plan to go to Foodtown tomorrow morning with Jack, if he wants the trip.  If he does I will wear the crocs.  I will also do my housework.  Today I am not going to do anything but take out the trash and recycle.  

Moderately depressed but I did get my God Time.  I am doing an experiment and washing my hair every 36 hours, it has better shine for sure so I think I may do that long term.  We will see, I'll have time to evaluate the next couple days.  I may have to go back to every day when it gets hot and I'm riding the bus to work every day.  We'll see.  

But I will keep plugging on.  Ugh I get so sick of depression.  

Sunday (Dog years and a large unidentified snake)

 Sunday's like Dog Years at work.  I rode the bus in, did my job, and clocked out.  

Had some drama at work but nothing I could fix.  So I didn't stress about it.  I can only give 100%.  I had decided to do some shopping mainly because I wanted a ride home anyway, and I also wanted a gallon of orange juice which would be impossible to take on the bus.  I had also forgotten my cold bags/totes.  

I did my shopping, spent about $40.  I was surprised things seemed better stocked than they have been lately.  I didn't do a real check of lane 2 except to see Anthony seemed to be checking and he's good, I like him, he's a good guy.  But the lane was so slow and I saw Anthony walk away so he had been helping the checker, who I couldn't see.  The really awful one was on another lane I had made a point of avoiding him.  There were 4 carts.  He took half an hour to get to me.  

He was one of those "I don't use the conveyor belt" guys and I saw it working so that wasn't the issue.  Agh.  I find that aggravating.  I only had cash otherwise I would have gone to the self check.  I have heard sometimes cash can jam in the self check so I didn't want to take a chance.  He rang me up accurately and I got all my bags, got my correct change, but I will NEVER go to him again.  

After that I was hungry and feeling entitled to a treat.  So I went to the McDonald's and got myself two double cheeseburgers, just ketchup.  I have found the secret to be ordering it "ONLY" ketchup at my store at least.  I also ordered Cleo a plain single burger but did not say it was for my cat.  I got my food and got out barely in time to catch my ride home, an hour and a half after I clocked out.  

I came home and put the cold things away.  I saw the cats at the end of the hall and called Cleo.  Her head popped up and she looked at me but then she focused on whatever was in front of her.  And I realized someone had brought something in the house.  

I went down the hall to find a scream worthy 2 foot long snake curled up in the hallway, being batted around by the cats.  I almost felt sorry for the snake.  It had some sort of markings on it which really freaked me out and I kept looking to see if it had rattles because we have a few kinds of rattlers in Houston.  I couldn't get a good look at it, it was coiling and uncoiling and the cats were bitch smacking it and I wanted to scream.  

But I married a blind man I have been dealing with this my entire adult life.  It was big enough, and the species unknown, possibly venomous, so I emptied the bathroom trash can keeping a sharp eye on Snakey.  I got the hand broom and popped him into the trash can, then covered it up with the handbroom.  There, it shouldn't bite me while I took it out.  And it didn't.  I had the front door propped open so I could just walk out and drop him in the grass, then flee and shut my door.  Which I did.  

Biscuit is exhausted and sleeping next to me on the couch.  I haven't seen Spotty or Cleo hopefully not out there hunting me up a fresh snake.  I will tell them today's snake was my Mother's Day gift and I don't need anything now.  On some level they do understand.  

[shudder]  And I don't really mind snakes but I do mind them in my home.  I walk around barefoot.  

After that I took my medication and a nap.  All they had at McDonald's was sweet tea, I wanted unsweet and definitely did not want soda, so I went with the sweet, which gave me a headache.  I have some of the effervescent tablets so I did that and it worked quickly.  Glad I have more.  

On my days off I need to buy meat (I did not, at work), inventory fridge/freezer, housecleaning.  I don't really need to do laundry happily.  I also need to figure out my budget and put my hand cart together.  

Ugh [shudder] at least they can hunt!  

Sunday morning

 I actually slept OK last night without waking up.  This has been an interesting depression.  I don't want to do any planning or thinking, which is more unusual for me.  Like my shopping trips this week - ?  No idea what I am doing.  I do know my budget ($100 including transportation), the best I can figure is shop at work today after I get off and take a ride home ($20+) and then go to Food Town on one of my days off ($20 + groceries but I can get a lot there for a very low price, good quality meat too).  Normally I am better about planning everything, inventories, etc.  

The best I've got is "It's taking a lot of time and trouble to cook those lentils, maybe I had better eat more canned beans"  Not to mention the dishes!  And the rice strainer didn't work so I have to get another one.  I ate up the last of the very starchy rice so hopefully my next bag will be better.  I just hate the thought of "saving" a few cents cooking the lentils and then spending a lot more on gas to cook them.  Because what I hear the cost of natural gas is going up.  

I am going to take my shower.   That's done, dressed and ready to go to work.  A 4 hour shift today if everything works out.  Sometimes I have to stay later and that often means missing a bus.  But I am getting paid for it. 

Plan is call my cab driver buddy for a ride home after work.  Oh, I need to put my reusable totes in my bag.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday

Oh I am tired.  I will try to hammer out a blog.  

Some days I think the depression is more just fatigue vs. other symptoms and I think today is a good example of that.  

Anyway I slept OK but got to bed late.  I had taken my shower last night I don't think that is going to happen tonight.  I got up on time and did everything I needed, headed out the door.  I did not take my usual Saturday morning cab ride because I did presumably get enough sleep to take the bus... and transportation already ate about 1/3 of my last check.  So I took the bus.  

It was long but I got to work OK.  Still no new vest.  I am starting to wonder if I am ever getting one.  Also there is a new shirt?  Someone said we have to wear that?  So the only individuality will be in my jeans and shoes.  Not complaining, many service people have to wear a uniform, but I preferred the "just" vest.  It will eliminate the plunging necklines some of the female employees were sporting, though.  

Work was busy but nothing really notable except for some conversation with other employees.  Working 10-2 I bridge 2 shifts.  And each shift wants to talk about the other one.  I said something to that effect today and also mentioned "Everyone is always talking gossip about everyone else, I can only imagine what they say about me"  One of them said the gossip was that I was lazy.  What?  I do everything in my job description and then half someone else's job, too.  I help every customer who comes my way, I don't just point them in the right direction I walk them over to the display.  I laughed and said "I knew they were saying something" and left it at that but I was annoyed.  Because I am the exact opposite of lazy.  I guess it could have been worse, they could have said I'm a "time stealer" (loaf around on the clock), stole, or treated others badly.  

I talked to my parents.  They are good.  I am figuring out my budget and shopping plans for the week.  

And I have to go if I want to get some sleep.   

Friday night

I am embarrassed to admit I am resentful so much of my day was taken up by "honey-dos".  Cooking, cleaning, home maintenance, laundry, etc.  It is unbecoming but I believe in showing my flaws.  

Tomorrow shouldn't be a long day.  

I did get everything on the list.  I was happy about that.  I even put the glop down the drain pipes to clean them out.  I have a question mark about the kitchen sink I think it needs it.  So I put 2 cups down there, a quart down the tub (lots of hair fall), and have 2 more cups set aside.  

I was horribly queasy most of the day so that wasn't much fun.  Especially the cooking.  I just had a bowl of rice for dinner.  It worked with my medication so yay me.  

I really need a couple days off.  

Friday noon

 So I did the dishes, cleaned the toilet, got the lentils started.  I need to do laundry, cook the lentils and rice, and put my hand cart together.  I am watching TV and have the blinds open so I can catch some sun.  

The fence guy comes around 3:30 I need to put some water in the fridge.  I use bottled water for emergencies and also for guests "Have a bottle of water".  

The cats are good, Spotty was absolutely precious and laid down with his head in my lap as I did my Bible Study this morning.  Biscuit was also nearby.  It was really sweet.  Cleo?  😂  She only loves me at night.  The house is a mess but workable for a visitor and the toilet is clean.  

I will get it all done eventually.  I would also like some more tea.  

Happily tomorrow is not one of those long, long, days.  Just a 4 hour shift with riding the bus to and from which makes it 8 hours.  

I got a gift which I will spend wisely but don't feel like eating it up with rides to work if I can take the bus.  

And the weather will be decent, it will be light out, I will not be working late tonight so I will actually get 8-9 hours of sleep.  So doable.  

I am trying not to over think my day off today.  

Friday morning

 Last night was hard mentally just being depressed, and they kept playing Ron's favorite music.  He used to brag how he only liked top 40 music and not the more obscure stuff I sometimes favored.  The problem with that you hear a lot of top 40.  And I could see him just bopping along listening to his tunes.  That wasn't easy.  

But I got to work OK on the bus, did my job, boss said I did a good job yesterday.  Got my ride home with Jack and let him know not to get me tonight.  He is doing a remodel project for his sister in law so pretty tired and probably really happy to hear that.  

I got home.  The jasmine is starting to bloom so I had that greet me at the door, very nice.  I got in the house, put my bag down, and made myself some tea, some Hibiscus (Jamaica), some mint, and some decaf jasmine green.  I had the last two and saved the Jamaica for this morning.  I am drinking that now.  I need to start making myself tea before I leave so it will be there when I get back.  

I slept OK except I woke up at 5 with a bad headache, I took some Excedrin for it.  Went back to bed as I went to sleep around midnight.  Slept a couple of hours and woke up for good around 7.  OK, I can use the time.  The other day off I had I took some allergy medicine and ended up sleeping until almost 10, and then Tuesday I slept pretty late as well, so nice to get a couple of hours back.  

I have a fair amount of things to do: clean the toilet (doing that now), put my hand cart together, do my drain line treatment (it arrived), dishes, some cooking, etc.  I will try to balance rest with work.  Normally if I have 2 days together I do all the work on one day (getting a good nap if possible), and then relax/shop on the other day.  I couldn't do it this week.  

While gossiping (going to call it what it is) with other employees I did mention I could use some more hours.  I know that will get back and they know I am a hard worker.  Another employee wants her hours cut and complains a lot, is slow, they are always talking to her so maybe I can pick up some of her slack.  I would be happy to, but I want God's will for me.  We will see.  

I "sanitized" my house so you can't see the bras hanging up, tampons are put away (still no cycle), wet wipes are hidden.  I do suspect my toilet clog may have been related to one of the workers flushing my wet wipes.  And "flushable" wipes are a joke because they are not flushable.  You might as well call the plumber.  It is not that hard to put your used wipe in a trash can and then take it out regularly.  That is how I found Ron's rectal bleeding some years back.  I saw blood on the wipes, a lot of it, and got him to a doctor.  That is also when we did our wills so I got the house OK.  Glad that happened now even though it was scary.  

Totally unrelated: if I read the sign at work correctly a lemon is now $2?!  For one?  That is nuts.  I may have to look into using limes.  

That's it for now.  

 I got horribly depressed at work last night, they were playing all Ron's favorite songs.  I still managed to get it done, though.  

Came home (cab driver was disappointed no more rides for a while), called my parents, had a protein shake, went to bed.  I woke up once in the middle of the night.  I guess I am stuck with that; had some water and went back to sleep.  

Slept in a little with the cats yelling for breakfast, got up and fed them, got up.  About to take a shower.  I woke up with a pretty bad headache so I had some Excedrin and that helped.  I also had a small bottle of orange juice I still had some around, and had put it in the fridge last night.  

I need to get better about checking my sugar when I get up as maybe I do have low blood sugar in the morning when I have the headache.  

I have a lot to plan out the next couple days; big question, do I do my grocery shopping before I get paid?  I have my tax refund, I could use that and pay myself back when I do get my deposit.  I don't like to do that, though.  And I need to figure out when the fence guys are coming that is also going to determine a lot.  I am hoping they can come Tuesday.  

Oh, something funny.  Facebook had a listing for an administrative assistant at one of the local fire districts.  It looked like an interesting job and of course that would be awesome to help them help people.  But 2 things: they wanted a driving person (understandable), and they wanted someone with experience in the latest office programs, which I don't have.  So I am out, but it did pay $41K.  Did I mention I made $9K last year?  It got me thinking because I like watching Chicago Fire on Tuesdays on my local channel.  It does make me wonder if I should take some online computer classes just so I can say I have the basics.  Used to be I could  spreadsheets and format documents, I am sure it is easier now.  I also had Libre office and did my resume and cover letter on that.  So I'm not totally helpless... just a thought there in case another good office job comes up.  

I like retail, actually.  I like the customer contact.  I like people rushing up to me asking where are the condoms 😂 and other miscellany.  I just wish I could get more hours without killing myself like I did this last week... but it was notable as it was a holiday.  

And when I turned on the computer Facebook had a memory of Baby Girl so that was hard... I do miss her, and Torbie, and Ron of course, but I have had to be pretty stoic as I have to work, and people at work are very uncomfortable with grief.  One day one of my supervisors (last year) came up to me and said my productivity was lagging what was going on.  I told her I was missing my husband and she basically said I had to get over it and "move on".  Not exactly comforter of the year material.  Another time it was the same thing, I was obviously missing him and a coworker said "I don't want to hear about your dead husband".  So I am very limited in what I can 'show" outside the house.  And that carries over to inside the house as well.  

On the plus side my eating better diet has got me down to 208.  I wasn't sure I would lose eating this way as I do have a fair amount of rice but it is working.  Which is great.  I'm going to take my shower.

Also took my antidepressant and did my God Time.  I like to wait a little while out from a headache on taking the pills as they can bring back a headache.  I am eating some lazy woman red beans and rice.  I mixed a can of Walmart "Chili beans" with some plain white rice, it isn't bad.  It should be nice and filling.  I have some for dinner, too.  I love meat but I don't have to eat it "every" time.  And I do like beans.  Canned beans are a good fix.  Next week I plan to mix a can of garbanzos with a can of kidney beans.  ONe of my favorites, yum, yum.  

My enzyme drain cleaner comes today.  I want to eat up all the hair in my pipes I know I have it in there.  Also get all the junk out of the kitchen drains I am sure there is plenty.  I will probably do that tonight or tomorrow night.  That's the only thing I felt I really needed when I was figuring out what to do with my tax refund.  

I am taking a later bus today as I am tired of getting to work so early.  We will see how it goes.  It will be all new drivers for sure.  It looks like rain so I plan to bring my waterproof shoes.    

Wednesday morning

I woke up again in the middle of the night but just got a drink of water and a bathroom break, went back to sleep and slept OK.  

I woke up feeling anxious about my property tax exemption.  The form is very confusing.  I am already an owner why do I need to prove it all over again?  They have been happy to have Ron & Heather for 20 years now they are balking at just Heather.  Like I said it is confusing.  My aunt will help when she can but is dealing with a termite issue in her new home.  She has to go crack some heads with home inspector, etc. get someone to pay for the treatment.  Plus she has a uber organic neighbor who will likely freak over the "poison" used.  She has a lot on her plate but she will get to it when she can.  I just need to figure out do I have her go off the website or send the forms to her?  I'm thinking I will likely have to send the forms which also means I have to go to the Post Office and likely buy an envelope.  I don't have any envelopes...[facepalm]  It is just a mess and I feel totally helpless.  I do pretty well taking care of myself most times but now and then I do need the "external brain".  Basically the concept is I may need help with complex things - like property tax exemptions, filing my taxes, etc. so I have someone "outside" to help.  

Basic stuff like doing a budget and all I am OK.  I could be better at the spending but I am working on that.  All the bills are getting paid and money saved for insurance/taxes.  But I do have limits which I have a very hard time admitting.  

My aunt has offered to help, and she will, but she has to put out these fires at home first and I know that. 

I took my shower last night so I don't need that today.  Ideally I like taking the shower at night anyway.  

This morning I made a pot of rice (forgot to use my rice strainer so I wouldn't have the starchy mess!) to go with a can of chili beans I've had for a while.  The beans are tasty, I tried them, mixed with rice that can be a good dinner.  I made 1 cup rice but it seems more like 2.  I put 1/2 cup dry.  [scratching head]  Which is fine, I like rice, I always have.  It is funny because I married a Creole and rice is their primary starch with everything.  My adoptive Mom was into pasta and bread for carb sides, Dad is also a bread man.  I remember him wiping gravy off his plate with a slice of white bread at dinner time.  So that will work, plus my snacks, to hold me at work.  And it's a very cheap meal maybe 50 cents.  I was spending about $7 some days at work on drinks and food.  

I am tired of getting to work so early so I am changing it and leaving the house a little later today.  I start at 3:30 so I am going to leave the house at noon.  We will see how that works.  

And no mask on the bus anymore.  I will still bring one but I shouldn't need it.   

I just need to put all my stuff in my jeans pockets.  I wear my jeans for 2 days, wash then, and I carry a lot of stuff in my pockets so I have to replace it every time I get a new pair out of the closet.  Speaking of jeans our little $10 jeans are up to $11 now and we don't have 1/4 the inventory we did.  I will need to bring all my female supplies because I am due about now.  

The cats are good.  Cleo was in the kitchen begging when I was fixing my rice.  She is a little beggar but she has a nice little meow now.  I have read ferals don't meow and she didn't, for months, but does now, an adorable cute little squeak.  I let her smell the food and she walked off.  I think half the time the cat just wants to see if you will give them the food.  Spotty hung out with me during my God time and Biscuit is up on the couch next to me, cats seem to like that spot to be near me when I'm on the computer.  

I got smart.  I have been terrible about taking my morning pill on an empty stomach and then wondering why I get so queasy later in the day.  So I had a granola bar this morning.  When I did up my pills last night I set up a multi with iron in addition to the Wellbutrin.  Both are pretty harsh.  But I feel fine.  

I had a little coffee (literally 1 tablespoon leaded coffee and a couple tablespoons decaf) this morning just to get some caffeine on board.  I didn't want too much as I was already pretty anxious.  Now I am just drinking water which I am getting used to, again.  When I was a teenager I weighed 120, thought I was "fat" 😂, and only drank water, tea, and skim milk.  There is a lesson there.  I don't drink milk now due to pretty major lactose issues but as far as I know I can still do cheese.  I will have to see if I want some cheese in my beans for dinner actually.  

And there's the trash pickup that is good.  It is included in my water bill which generally runs about $35 a month.  I don't think my electric will be very high this month but I have been cooking a lot so curious to see what that did to my gas bill.  I have a gas stove and water heater.  I like them very much but was afraid of the stove when we first got the house.  That "whoosh" when you turn it on can be a little eeky.  

Biscuit is so cute on his couch.  And that's all they do all day just sleep various places.  So I don't feel as bad when I have a long day at work.  But tonight is only five and a half hours, I don't even get a lunch.  Which is fine I can eat my food in 5 minutes, go to the bathroom, and still have 7-8 minutes left to relax.  

Overall I feel OK with how I am treated at Walmart.  They treat me far better than Target ever did, and that is one reason I did not apply at Target when I was looking.  

Boy I have to give one piece of advice, don't upload your resume to those job search sites, you will have a million scammers calling and texting you, sending you emails.  I got my job by going to the company website, clicking on "Careers" and applying online, then uploading my resume and cover letter to the company.  That's how I got the job.  Not career builder or any of that.  So my advice would be to make a list of companies and then go to the individual websites.  

Sometimes we get people in the store want to apply but you have to do it online and take the assessments.  It wasn't hard but it was comprehensive.  My Dad is right, I thrive on customer contact so I do better in a job with a high volume of customers.  Other people are happy to stock at night when the store is closed to the public.  There is the right job for everyone, certainly at Walmart.  😂

That's it for now, I'm going to go rot my brain online.  

Tuesday night

 Having some depression tonight.  I didn't finish everything I would have liked to do but I did find my rice strainer so that saves me a trip to the dollar store Friday.  Besides, I have a date with the fence guy.   I will also log into the Walmart employee website and set up my free Walmart + account, I might as well take advantage.  And finally put together my hand cart.  So a lot planned for Friday but none of it involves spending my tax refund.  

My parents have become chaplains.  They have had a lot of training and were getting training in depression tonight.  I told them one notable thing about my depression I never want to shower, it is always something I have to force myself to do.  They were intrigued by that (you can tell they don't live nearby or they would have seen it with me day to day).  

And that got me thinking; I am pretty much over the grief part of depression.  What I have now (actually at this moment) feels more like the same old organic depression I have had my whole life.  I still have grief especially like last night when I had the 3 triggers, the hand like Ron's, the wheelchair like Ron's, the blind man like Ron.  No wonder I got a little sad.  

But day to day it doesn't really hit me Ron is dead.  I am still coming to terms with losing my brown girls but I am growing.  

Biscuit is next to me very cuddly.  I haven't seen much of the Spot-man.  Cleo has been around.  

Tomorrow shouldn't be too bad it is only a five and a half hour shift.  That's nice I don't waste an hour on a meal (unpaid).  I get paid the whole $66 which I will take.  I will have to time my break carefully I think around the 3 hour mark?  I'll see.  

Tomorrow morning I plan to fix my lunch.  I just need to make some rice and mix with a can of beans, make a couple of fake peanut butter and honey sandwiches.  

My hives are still around but not worse.  I did try Ron's famous remedy, rubbing alcohol (you know how many half full bottles I found of rubbing alcohol in his room when I cleared it?).  Anyway I slathered it on the hives and it did provide some relief.  I had some ointment which is zinc cream with hydrocortisone.  I am not crazy about it.  When I do get to the dollar store I will look for a better cream because I do get hives every year or so.  

My dad has a lot of allergies and I suspect I do too: chocolate, nuts, crab for starters.  I get hives and/or migraines when I consume them.  In a perfect world I would have a complete allergy workup but that might be too depressing.  

Oh, the bus dropped the mask mandate.  Dropped that one pretty quick!  As soon as the ruling came out they dropped it less than a day later.  I know a lot of people will be happy about that.  I am inclined to go without a mask at least this summer, maybe wear one during cold and flu season.  Or maybe not.  I don't wear a mask at work.  I am really happy I don't have to wear a mask at the bus stop in the middle of summer, that wasn't much of a treat.  

I plan to wear a performance t shirt to work and then change into another shirt for work.  One day last summer I got so hot and sweaty waiting on my bus I had to buy a new shirt to wear for my shift.  I don't want to do that.  

I am really anticipating the new gas station, that will be great it will have excellent lighting and I will be able to ride the bus in the dark.  Right now I have to wear a white t shirt, safety vest, and light, jump around when I see him in order to get spotted and catch my ride.  

I am feeling better now that my medication's on board.  Hopefully I will sleep OK tonight.  I don't take anything for sleep just mood control.  

Anyway that's it for now.  

Tuesday noon

 I got some sleep, got up, did my God time, started the laundry and the dishes.  I signed up with Angi's list to get a fence guy.  I had a good experience a few years ago, and I already got a call back from a guy, BUT this time I kept getting text messages to download the app.  Not only that I got a call from some woman in India who quoted me way less than I know the job should cost, said she could send someone out today all I had to do was give them my credit card.  Needless to say I said no.  I want a good job not one that will blow down in the next thunderstorm and would rather have a professional fence guy do the work.  My neighbors in #2 have a sagging fence on their street side and it looks terrible, and they just had it done a few years ago.  She went with the lowest bidder.  I don't want to do that.  

And the guy I spoke to on the phone is nice, he said he would try to save money if at all possible and I said great, my husband died and I work at Walmart.  He went "Oh!" so I know he's not going to overcharge me.  And everything I said is true.  Ron's right there on the bookcase.  So we will see.  I'll get it done.  

I just need to finish the dishes, do some meal prep, dishes from that, hang up my clothes when they dry, and do up my pills.  Also relax.  Catch up on some sleep which means, ideally, a nap.  Right now I am just being lazy and taking a little time.  

I also need to work on my budget.  I'll get around $600.  Water bill is about $30.  Other utilities I will budget $150 because I have not been running the systems.  So $200 for utilities.  Then I need to look at my rides how many of them do I need.  Plus $250 into the escrow account.  

So I got depressed over that and took a nap... woke up and checked my email.  Got my tax refund.  It was more than a month's pay!  So the first thing I bought was a bottle of green gobbler drain line cleaner to clean out my drains.  That set me back $23 a little trouble on my budgets...but OK with this.  

Now the huge thing is not to be stupid.  So I am going to be very careful spending it.  Oh yeah I can pay off the credit card.  That is about it.  And leave the damn thing at home when I go to work.  😂

OK I did that.  No more work snacks.  

So the fence guy seems cool he is coming out Friday.  Not to do the work just an estimate.  Hopefully my posts are in good shape if they are he says that saves me a lot of money.  But I have someone who is going to help with it (my aunt calls her the Fairy Godmother).  

I am just so happy to get out from under that credit card it was almost up to $300.  That may not seem like much but it was, percentage wise, a big chunk of my pay and I don't like owing money.  Oh I need to get the clothes going in the dryer.   

 Well the blouses are dry but the jeans aren't.  I need to decide if I want to spend some of the refund check on a dryer vent cleaning.  

I still have a decent "lump" left so that's good.  But I am going to think very clearly before I spend anything.  I think I will still carry the credit card for emergencies but be very selective in what I consider an emergency.  Snacks?  Not.  

I am really focusing on eating unprocessed food.  Stuff I cook.  So that cuts the food budget way down.  I am meeting the fence guy Friday afternoon but Friday morning I can run to the dollar store and get a strainer so I can rinse my rice.  Or I thought I saw something in my lower kitchen cabinet I may be able to pry it out and see if it will work.  

It also helps I have cut out the soda that saves a ton of money.  Years ago someone I know got involved in an MLM and was trying to sell me instant drink mix with caffeine.  I didn't bite.  Besides you can buy that stuff at Walmart for way cheaper.  Ron used to like the electrolyte energy lemonade mix.  I got rid of all that after he died but the store still sells it.  

I have been really queasy all day it is unpleasant.  I am going to let my rice pot finish and then make some more tea.  Probably rice for dinner.  I am just not hungry.  

That's it for now.  

Very early Tuesday

 So Monday was really long; 2 hours on the bus, a little downtime, then 9 hours of work.  That is a lot of time on my feet.  Feet did pretty well though, I wore my FILA work shoes and they were up for the job.  I certainly plan to spend as much time as possible off my feet today, though.  

Work was OK I got kind of depressed.  One of my coworkers, a man, had a stoke some time ago and his right hand is identical to Ron's, kind of floppy I guess.  It always strikes me when I see it.  This guy is also caregiving for someone with dementia so we talk a little.  But it still hits me when I see his hand.  

I know Ron is in his perfect body now, though.  

Not only that I saw 2 men in wheelchairs, and, later, a blind man with a white cane so not surprising I got a little depressed.  But my job does involve contact with other people so I was OK.  

It was surprisingly busy tonight almost as bad as yesterday.  The little tax prep office was very busy.  Speaking of taxes I should get something back, not sure how much but something.  That will be nice when it comes.  I need to sit down and figure out how I will allocate it.  I would like to put some in savings, some to credit card.  Get myself something, not sure what.  I will figure it out.  

When I get paid I do know I am putting an extra $20 on my bus card I have been using the bus a lot.  And it worked fine getting to work this morning, in fact, I could have left later.  My cab driver buddy was happy to get me after work.  In fact he got me in his personal vehicle.  That is fine I pay him a flat rate so we don't need to run the meter.  

So I came home, pretty beat.  I had hoped I could get some things done when I got home but no energy for it.  I called my parents, had a small package of cheese and crackers, took my medication, and went to bed.  I fell asleep pretty easily, but woke up at 1 with a bad headache.  I took some Excedrin, fell back asleep for a little bit, woke up again about an hour later.  I still had the headache and I couldn't sleep from the caffeine.  I went ahead and got up.  

I made a list of things I need to do: laundry, dishes, cooking, do up pills, get quotes on the fence.  Oh, Spotty just farted and it is evil...

I also need to assemble the cart Dad got me.  Hopefully I can get all that done, relax, and get a nap even.  I did not sleep as well as I would have hoped but have not been sleeping great lately, waking up a lot in the middle of the night.  

I weighed myself and still about 210 so that is OK.  Not gaining at any rate.  I had to figure out eating without getting a lot of processed crap at work and think I did OK with that.  I do need to figure out dinners for Wednesday and Thursday nights.  Saturday and Sunday I only work 4 hours each so not too worried about that.  Worst case I may do a can of beans with some rice.  

One thing I like is a can of Garbanzos mixed up with a can of kidney beans.  It is very tasty.  I guess you could call it 2 bean salad.  It is also cheap and nutritious.  I am all for that.  

I am going to try to get some more sleep.  More later.  

Going to be a long day

 But I have determined something interesting.  I don't need caffeine to fuel me through a long day.  I have a little in the morning.  Today I had a mate (mah-tay) drink which has some stimulant compounds and a little caffeine, but I don't need to chug one diet soda after another to fuel myself.  My body just plugs along fine.  

So that is good.  I needed to know that.  Today anyway I leave at 7 and get home around 9 and that is PM.  The cats will be fine, I already fed them.  

Hopefully today will be a little quieter.  I want to be busy but not like yesterday!  Agh!  That was awful, busiest I have been since I was hired last May and that included all the holidays.  I am just glad I got through Easter.  

I know Ron is in Heaven but it is just hard to be separated.  I wonder what he would say about how I've been holding up.  

I need to get dressed.  I am wearing the black blouse today.  

I have to go, that's it for now.  

Happy Easter!

 It was a really busy day at work; enough my boss came running to the breakroom half an hour before my start time, begging me to clock in early, which I did.  So that's an extra $6 in my pocket.  That next paycheck is going to be tasty for me.  

Speaking of tasty I had lentils on my lunch and roast beef on my break.  Both were very good, but needed more salt.  I am figuring it out.  You can't take salt OUT so I have been a little timid with it.  But I do carry a salt shaker in my lunch bag.  

I had to set boundaries with one coworker but I think I did that in a classy way.  She consistently mispronounces my name "HEE-dar" which I am not sure if she is doing intentionally.  My name is there on my badge, sound it out.  I always say her name correctly.  Anyway I was polite but firm.  She keeps "trying" though.  I am here to do my work.  If you are doing your work and I am in a slow spot, I will help out if I can, but if you are standing around gossiping and expect me to do your work you will be disappointed.  I have seen her in the breakroom.  See, I get to work early.  And while I am sitting around in the breakroom I see things, like this woman, clock in, leave for about 10 minutes, come back to the breakroom and fiddle around with her bag for an hour, then go back to work when I clock in.  It's called "Time Stealing" and Walmart considers it a firing offense.  Worst case I will casually mention to the supervisor she might want to go in the breakroom about 2:30 one day and see who she finds.  Me, I'm not on the clock yet.  I'm just watching TMZ waiting.  But I don't plan to say anything, this will catch up with her eventually.  

I am glad I have the kind of reputation that my boss wanted me there early.  And I earned my money today.  That's a good thing as I took a cab home and found the house hot and stuffy.  It apparently got up to about 90 today.  I broke down and turned on the A/C.  Well, first I turned it to "Off".  Then I slid the lever up to about 83, turned it on.  It worked.  Praise God!  The house got nice and pleasant and it was still running, so I turned it up to 85 and got the fan.  

For some reason one day Ron got the idea to point a fan, on the floor, up at the thermostat.  It really helps the air conditioner run better and the house is cool but less energy and wear and tear on the system.  So I got that going and now I will hear the roar of the fan day and night until probably my birthday.  I am OK with that.  

The cats were good, fat and happy.  Good to see them as always.  Back to the A/C for a minute when this old thermostat goes I will have them install the simple kind where you just turn it left and right for hotter and colder.  I actually installed a thermostat myself some years back and it worked for a while.  

Tomorrow will be a long day: go to work on the bus (transportation budget would not swing a ride to work tomorrow so the bus for me), work 9 hours, catch a cab home (I would rather have the ride home if I had to choose, and I did).  He already knows about the ride home and also the ride home on Wednesday at 9 PM.  I set up my coffee maker and the timer to brew me some mate I think that will help.  I also plan to have a higher protein breakfast so I am better able to get it all done.  I plan to take roast animal of some sort with some beans and rice.  That has been working for me.  I just drink water at work.  It is a big change from what I was doing but I feel good and saving money too.  

Everyone liked my blouse I will have to keep wearing them when my arm heals up.  Hives are still pretty ugly.  I have a couple of nice blouses I got at the thrift shop, they are all 3x but still fit OK.  And I would rather have something a little loose vs something too tight.  

My manager told me they ordered more vests but right now all they have is a 6x, which I am not.  But she assured me she will get me my stuff when it comes.  So that is nice.  She is a good manager.  I like her a lot.  I like pretty much all managers 1 or 2 I am a little scared of but they are good people.  

I have to get to bed early so that's ///

Oh I forgot.  I looked at my homestead exemption papers and boy are they confusing.  I am going to forward them to my aunt.  She birthed a lawyer and married another one.  They will figure it out.  Me I just feel very confused reading them.  

I do like that injured vets and widows of first responders do not pay property tax.  One of the great things about living in Texas.  

Now I'm done.  That's it for now!  

Easter morning!

 He is risen!  

Yesterday was long but not awful, just long.  Some drama but that goes with Walmart.  

Everyone was asking if we were open today and shocked when I said yes.  The store made quite a bit of money the other night, they want to keep that going.  They won't make any money if they're closed.  

I do hope we are off thanksgiving so I don't have to worry about transportation.  I wouldn't want to try to find someone to pick me up at 10 PM Thanksgiving night.  But that is months away.  

I came home, had a protein shake and some crackers, took my pills, called Mom and Dad, took a shower and off to bed.  I woke up at 4, had some cold water and went back to bed.  I keep cold tap water in the fridge I do like a cold drink now and then.  Alarm went off at 6 something but I managed to push it off until 7.  

One of my coworkers lost a family member so I want to get a condolence card before I start work today.  She is a nice lady and I know I really liked the cards I got.  I just hope I don't cry again in the greeting cards.  Ron is resurrected, he is happier than ever.  If I love him I have to be happy for that.  I just miss him and the security he provided and that sucks losing the companionship and some financial security.  I could always count on that disability check.  Anyway, I feel bad for her so I will get her a card.  It was pretty sudden.  

Heart attacks get a lot of people, it seems.  Number one cause of death in the US.  

I brought pot roast and lentils (not together).  I have been OK just eating the lentils but I don't want to take a chance of going hungry.  I do have plenty of work snacks though aside from my lunch.  

One of my coworkers from India (I have 2) was impressed I eat the roasted "chana" chickpeas and like them.  She knows what they are, I don't think she is into them personally but found it cute I was appropriating that part of her culture.  

Today's my Thursday, I have Tuesday off.  Unfortunately on Tuesday I have to take care of some business but once that's done I can enjoy Friday off.  Wednesday is only a little over 5 hours and Thursday is my usual shift.  I work Saturday and Sunday, 4 hours each, and then I have 3 days off in a row.  Of course I don't have any money to spend yet (that comes Wednesday) but I can sleep in, catch up on housework, watch Chicago Fire, etc.  Since I am only watching the reruns I don't really have the show in order yet.  I know how it starts up to about season 4.  I saw the episode where Otis died.  My question on that was why did they make a memorial for Otis but not one for Darden, who died in the first episode of the series?  Other than that I really like the show.  

Some things I need to do when I get paid: get my medication.  Pay down credit card (balance is about $200), I don't think I have a rush to buy cat food as I have fewer cats, but that's on the list.  

I will pray about it and figure it out.  I am not worried about it all the basics are paid.  I also need to do the water bill...will do that Wednesday.  Although I should get a discount because I had to boil water for a couple of days.  

I have no problem drinking tap water, although some places it has tasted better than others.  One place in particular was really bad, it was a duplex near the Post Office facility.  The water was from a shallow aquifer and often contaminated with coliform bacteria so they used a lot of chlorine.  It was like drinking bleach, awful.  But I didn't want coliform either.  Ugh.  Glad I moved.  

One thing I did when looking at the house was fill my empty soda bottle with tap water from the faucet and drink it, it was fine so that was a check mark in the plus column.  I can also do laundry Monday night or Tuesday morning.  I know I have some but I haven't looked in there except to toss dirty clothes on the floor.   

Yesterday I wore short sleeves and got some side-eye from the customers over the hives (I do not work in food service or I would have put a bandage on them).  So today I am wearing a 3/4 sleeve (which I love) blouse with my jeans.  It's a nice blouse, brown with gold stripes in a flattering manner.  I bought it when I was fat 😂 so it's too big but it works.  I would much rather wear something a little loose than something too tight.  You can't see the hives, which are better since I stopped drinking that detox tea.  I guess I will stick to dandelion root if I feel a need to detox.  

I am as ready as I'll be, for work.  I have a ride coming in about a half hour.  

That's it for now.