Friday, July 29, 2011

A very bad word

I have a lot of drivers who are African Immigrants.  They are always fascinating and delightful people. 

One of them taught me how to say "Thank you" in Amharic.  A few days ago, I was riding with another driver, who taught us a very bad word in Arabic. 

I was feeling really wiped out after work (work went fine, had enough to cover the checks and pay me, yay), and must have looked pretty droopy as I left the bank, escorting Ron, in the rain.  My Ethiopian buddy chatted at me in Amharic as he opened the door to the cab. 

It took me a minute to realize, it wasn't English.  I looked up at him and he laughed.  So did I. 

Then I encouraged Ron to tell our driver the new word.  He gasped in shock. 

"You do not know, Amharic and Arabic are very similar!"  It means the same thing in both languages. 

So, I grinned "If I get in the cab and see the Ethiopian or Eritrean flag, I can give them a special greeting!"  He almost had a heart attack.   The immigrant drivers, often hang a miniature national flag from their rearview mirror. 

"No!  Never say that to anyone else!" 

Apparently, we learned a VERY bad word! 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

That is why I take my pills

It was a wierd day.  Last year, Ron and I went downtown to get his yearly pass renewed.  It took forever to get downtown, and it was extremely hot waiting outside.  We decided to go early in the morning, which meant a very early wakeup. 

I got up, shower, God Time.  Ate.  Ready to go.  We took the wheelchair, because the lines can be long and Ron can't stand for long.  It was a long ride.  Either the driver, or the other passengers wanted to talk so I couldn't listen to my music. 

Finally got downtown, unloaded, got Ron his new pass.  I used the bathroom. 

The facilities downtown have a single bathroom (one toilet, sink, etc) for men, and one for women.  They can be pretty grim.  I brought a spray bottle of rubbing alcohol. 

It was fine for me, and Ron and I had plenty of time so we went to the deli.  Ron got a breakfast sandwich with added potatoes.  He loved it.  [shrug]  I was pretty queasy so I just had a diet soda. 

Afterwards, Ron and I discussed the possibility of pushing in several blocks, in the heat, to the bus stop and catching a bus home.  We decided to wait. 

I headed off for the bathroom, but a woman beat me.  Let's just say I was glad I had the rubbing alcohol with me, when I finally did get in there.  I saw a guy go into the men's room, and a homeless man holding an American Flag moved in to wait. 

"My" room opened up, and I headed for it at a brisk pace.  As I opened my door, I saw the men's door open up.  Suddenly, as I shut the door, I heard a man shouting in an very aggressive manner.  He used a lot of very bad language, and kept saying, "Do you have a problem with THIS?"  I stayed in the horrible bathroom until the uproar ceased. 

I came out; the homeless guy was complaining to the receptionist "He pulled a knife on me, called me a ___, and then he broke my flag!"  He was understandably upset.  I walked over. 

"I didn't see it, but I sure heard it, and that guy was VERY aggressive."  The receptionist said she didn't see anything, and the guy was gone anyway. 

I kept thinking, the man was so obviously manic.  That could have been me, pulling a knife on someone outside a public bathroom.  Yike.  That, is why I take my pills.  That is why I am HAPPY to be so horribly queasy, so much of the time! 

Ron and I left, and waited outside.  The pigeons kept coming up at me, but I didn't have any snacks.  Our ride came right on time and off we went. 

When we got home, I took a nap.  Then, Ron and I went to the computer repairman. 

Ron had tripped over something, and broken off a plug inside his speaker.  Our guy fixed it in less than 5 minutes. 

He didn't want any money, but I said, "You're married!  Spend it on flowers for your wife!"  He liked that.  I liked that. 

Ron and I got a burger (I ate that, but got queasy about 5 minutes after).  Came home. 

Now I'm catching up on all those exciting housework things, like laundry, and scrubbing the toilet.  Yay. 

Tomorrow is work, but not for long. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A very long day

Well, I think I scared my body into behaving.  Not a speck of trouble today. 

A busy day; got all the supplies to work, stocked them all.  I had virtually empty machines, but when I left they looked great.  Ron was thrilled. 

I also volunteered to join a group; appreciating employees.  I think it is a great idea.  People will get nominated, and get a little award, maybe a plaque or something.  I know I love it when Ron says something nice about my work ethic, or customer service.  A little positive energy goes a long way. 

And yeah, I don't see a problem with the concept of "energy".  I also think it is wise for vendors to be involved at work.  Not political, but can the customers pick me out of a lineup?  I hope so! 

We went in for the swing shift; and they enjoyed seeing us.  I think it's important to be around for all 3 shifts.  Not on the same day; but at least around when they are, now and then. 

Right now, it looks like it wants to rain.  I also hear rumors of tropical weather forecast.  Hm.  Should be interesting. 

But for now, I'm relaxing at home after a very long day.  Yay! 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A long day at work

Heidi, the way I see it I'll either go to the ER if I get acute, or just let it pass on it's own.  I am sick to death of going to doctors for the abdominal pain. 

I looked up my symptoms, it could be anything. 

ANYWAY, Ron knows, so if I get actutely ill he can get help.  I ate a couple of cheddarburgers for dinner.  Seem to be OK. 

As long as I can stock the machines tomorrow, I'm happy.  I just hate vague symptoms and the old chestnut "All your tests came back normal!"  AAAAGH. 

I know, I'm sniveling, and I hate that.  If I vomit up my liver, I'll go to the hospital. 

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.  It'll be a long day at work tomorrow. 

Bring it

I've been having some wierd symptoms, and I'm pretty sick of them.  I expect fatigue, that's standard.  Nausea?  Sure, some.  Some; I haven't been this queasy since I started my Wellbutrin.  Strange abdominal pains?  [rolleyes]  I've been having THEM for at least 13 years. 

Having some undefined ailment is annoying; what takes it to truly awful is the trip to the emergency department.  Wait around, exam.  Blood tests.  Urine.  Wait around.  "Oh, everything came back normal"  WHAT?  "You aren't going to die, you can go home now".  AGH. 

The real scream comes when I get the bill; still paying on a visit in 2009; I got a 1 minute exam, a blood test, and that was it.  They didn't even let me have a bed.  I had to wait in a chair!  For that, $1,300.  [profanity]  That is just stupid. 

That is why I have been reluctant to see anyone.  I mean, it could be anything, or nothing.  I did eat some wheat; maybe my "innards" are displeased.  And that's the other thing; in so many regards, everything is completely normal.  I just have this wierd pain, not too severe, and nausea that is most likely directly related to medication.  Only one way to find out, tests and money.  AGH.  Or, my usual remedy (when "it" flares) - time. 

I'm one of those people who likes to bargain with God.  So, I told Him: I don't care what it is, could we get it over with already?  Have a big spectacular blowout and finally get it fixed?  If so, could You wait until Thursday?  I have some major lifting and stocking to do Wednesday.  Once the machines are stocked, bring it. 

If you've been reading for a while, you know this flares up now and then.  Strange pains, nausea.  Nothing else. 

I am sick of it.  I wish it would hurry up and announce itself; or go away all together. 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Ron's been sick all day

Ron's been sick all day; vomiting and all.  I've been pretty queasy. 

Hopefully we can work tomorrow. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

The raft

Ron got drunk pretty early today.  Hopefully, he got all the noisy out of his system. 

When I got up from my (ha!) nap (couldn't sleep with the racket), I did this:

I'm pretty pleased with the concept.  The figure, down on one knee, praying - the huge tidal wave threatens, but the figure is calm and faithful.  He knows God will protect him, or her.  You can't really see the raft (figure is on a small raft), and the ocean can use a lot of work.  I would like a better "spray" near the wave; but I like it.  The bare bones are down on paper. 

I also have a concept of a tornado; and even a mushroom cloud rising over a city... as the figure is calm and focused on God.  I don't know how I could paint fire, but that's another one I could do, figure menaced by fire

I'm having fun with it; and it addresses something I feel needs expression.  I know it's crude, I've never had art training, I can't draw, but I was flattered if someone asked me if I planned to sell my paintings. 

The first couple will probably go to family, if they are interested.  I obviously plan to keep one (tornado, for a couple of reasons), for myself. 

I told Ron I needed him to let me sleep tonight; he feels bad if he wakes me up.  I plan to shut my door so I can get some rest; he's been pretty rowdy today. 

What would Heather do?

One of my Facebook friends is having a hard time.  Someone hurt her badly and betrayed her trust.  Now she is suffering financially, and is worried about her beloved cat.  She's having some more trials and is handling it really well. 

I felt that God really had her on my mind last night, so went I woke up I sent her a message, I wish I could do a, b, c, but all I can do is pray.  I will be doing so. 

She messaged me back and said some lovely things about my faith.  I was very honored. 

Then she actually put up a post on her wall, "I asked myself, "What would Heather do" and made the choice to forgive this hater, and move on".  Yay!  I was even more honored. 

Of course, when someone compliments me in any way, I always go on alert; I want to make sure I have a faith worth emulating, and living my life in a way that honors Him.  I also start worrying about humility. 

All morning, I've had horrendous nausea; so I guess that helps with the humility!  [laugh]  Ron got a little wierd when I told him, I think it disturbs him when people compliment me.  [shrug]  I just shook it off.   I will learn one day, don't share compliments with him.  He just gets wierd. 

Which reminds me, 2 months until my birthday; but don't talk about it to Ron!  He gets really mad. 

He says "It is because my 6th birthday was awful"  - I can't help but wonder about the other 50 birthdays he had.  I had a horrible 16th birthday.  My adoptive Mom was violently ill and I ended up cooking my own birthday dinner.  I don't dwell, I had a cake, a good meal, and people singing at me like they meant it.  [grin]

I think in his mind, (he's never shared this) he feels like he "ought" to go take me out for a $200 meal, give me an expensive piece of jewelry, and anything I want.  That's not me. 

What would I want?  Maybe some gluten-free cornbread with tons of butter, a nice hambuger with bacon, cheese, and barbeque sauce, and maybe $20 to go get whatever's got my interest at the time.  That's about it. 

I'm not expensive.  I'm easy to please; but last year Ron was so horrible I resolved not to mention it, at all.  It's on a Thursday, so I'll probably get it off.  Yay. 

I will most likely spend it by myself. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dropped Coke

So, how was my day today? 

I have been craving tater tots for weeks.  I don't know why. 

Ron and I talked and he asked where I would like to eat out.  I told him, Burger King.  He is always suprised I often want a simple meal, instead of a sit down thing.  I told him, I wanted a double cheeseburger with BBQ sauce, for breakfast.  He said OK. 

He likes the breakfast bowl; it's pretty messy watching him eat.  I don't care.  If table manners were a deal breaker we wouldn't have had a second date.  I just focused on my burger.  We were the only people in the lobby. 

I got my tater tots (they called them hash brown bites but a tater tot is a tater tot); and burger.  Ron got his bowl.  Afterward, we got picked up and rode off to get Mr C.  He is a very nice older man, and enjoys talking to me. 

We went to Walmart (Ron and I) and I pushed him in the wheelchair.  Actually, he hung onto the handle and I pulled the cart.  We got exciting things like wet wipes, Diet Dr Pepper, and Ron wanted some Atkins Shakes.  We got Latte, Milk Chocolate (requested several times by Ron), and Strawberry-banana. 

Atkins shakes have earned some fondness; even though they trigger migraines for me.  They kept Ron alive after he had the horrible allergic reaction to the Bactrim back in 2008.  He found one of my shakes in the fridge, drank it, and said it was the only thing he could consume.  So, when Hurricane Ike hit I had a cooler full of Atkins shakes and a lot of ice!  [laughing]  They kept him alive until his flavors came back.  Ron found an old one in the fridge recently and told me he wanted more (Ron buys his own groceries). 

So, we got the 3 cases.  I saw the good brand of whey protien (the cheaper one) had a chocolate peanut butter flavor.  I got a jar (Ron paid for it).  It will be really good mixed in with the milk I bought! 

And I was right!  It is CHEAPER to buy a gallon of milk, than to get a steamed milk at Starbucks.  Mr Bubba Cat is happy to report Mommy got him 12 cans of Fancy Feast.  He loves his Tender Beef. 

He and Frosty had an agreement; Bubba would always eat the gravy off the Fancy Feast; then Frosty would eat the solid part.  One day I thought Frosty had been treated unfairly, and I locked up Bubba while I fed Frosty.  Frosty took one sniff at the gravy and ran away.  Pretty funny!  Bubby gets the whole can now, and enjoys every bite. 

He likes to bug me for a can, around dinnertime.  I was happy to get it. 

Pretty soon, time to go.  We had a good ride home and then a quick turnaround.  The Christian bookstore, needed stocking.  So I took a huge tote bag full of soda. 

It went very well until I dropped the Coke.  It exploded all over me.  [Big Sigh]  Happily, I was wearing a cheap outfit.  It'll wash.  My legs were so sticky from the soda!  I cleaned up everything as well as I could, and then a little bit of a wait before going home. 

As soon as I got in, I washed up and took a nap.  Woke up with a headache.  Took some Excedrin (another thing I bought), and went back to sleep for 1/2 hour.  Woke up and felt fine.  A little fun on the computer now. 

I just need to do my God Time and attack the dishes in the sink. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I need to get out of the house.

I did pretty well last night, I slept pretty well. 

I did pretty well, this morning, I took my second lithium "early" and it worked very well.   We went to work and we did everything possible. 

I need to go to the warehouse, and get more crackers, but that's about it. 

However, I waited too long on the last lithium, and depression is gnawing away.  [sigh]  Not an illness, for a wimp. 

You know, I hear a lot about people "on disability" for bipolar disorder.  I completely get that. 

However, unemployment during a depression - oh, that would be ugly.  As it is, sometimes I don't have the energy to check the mail, even when I'm expecting something fun!  I can only IMAGINE the horror of unemployment with a depression. 

Actually, I do know.  I was laid off a job in 1997.  They said I didn't fit in.  They were right; money wasn't my God.  I worship Someone else.  They fired me a couple weeks before Christmas.  That was a completely awful Christmas. 

One reason, I think, God has never led me to apply for disability.  I need to get out of the house. 

Anyway, I made some oatmeal with raisins (a favorite) and I'll eat it when it's cooled.  Then I'll do my God Time, come back, and finish this post. 

OK, ate, did my God time, drank a quart of diet Raspberry Lemonade (one of my all time favorite drinks).  I don't want to dwell on the depression too much, because I'll just end up back in "the hole". 

[frenzied scratching]  Mosquitoes love me.  I'm so tasty!  That's the last time I check the mail at 6 PM! 

I think I need to make plans, for what I will do in the afternoons.  "Do dishes, clean fridge" stuff like that.  Have an actual schedule for stuff like sweeping, laundry days, etc.  I think I'll do better if I have a managable portion to work on, daily, than a huge mountain of tasks. 

Ron is adamant, he does not want me getting another job.  He doesn't want me selling crafts; it's a manhood thing.  Well, I'm not going to fight him. 

I do believe, from a spiritual standpoint, the man should have leadership.  Does that mean I need Ron's permission to go to the Dollar Store?  No.  But it does mean I respect his wishes on important things. 

I completely detest the whole submission thing; it just shrieks of bondage, domination, and degradation.  I know of some really sad cases. 

Ron is a lot different, he wants a strong, independent woman.  He wants a woman who can fix a vending machine, send off the sales tax, stock a pallet of merchandise, and pill the cat.  He admires my creative impulse and adores my cooking.  He respects my opinion when I disagree, but we both know he has the final say on the items of importance.  He admires and respects me; and values me. 

Because I know this, I want to do as much as I can for him.  I think that's a lot better than the whole submitted wife thing.  It's not always perfect, but he's gotten more vocal with the compliments.  That means a lot, and I tell him that. 

I would LOVE to do my God Time, at least part of it, with him every day, and discuss the passages I read.  [shrug]  I don't see that happening anytime soon, but if Ron were too perfect I'd probably put him up above God, and idols never did very well in the Old Testament. 

Speaking of, I read a very nice passage in Isaiah today; "I will give you a garment of praise"  and take away the spirit of despair.  That sounds great. 


Happily, I figured out a lot of the "music that isn't there" - is actually some kind of air conditioner harmonic. 

In addition to all his other problems, Ron is also about half deaf (in both ears).  When tested about 15 years ago, it was 30% in one ear and 40% in the other.  I'm guessing probably half or worse now.  He can't help - he doesn't hear it. 

Webcam to the rescue, the volume meter went up and down when I heard the noise.  Ergo, it is real.  Some kind of a/c harmonic, I think.

So, I think I'm OK on waiting to call doc.  I am not going to suffer; trust me. 


I do plan to ask him about Haldol, maybe. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I never know

I'm having some unpleasant psychotic symptoms.  Music that isn't there, "seeing" things out of the corner of my eye, etc.  It's really disturbing. 

I want to think, if I just take my medication I will never have a severe symptom, again.  However, the truth is a lot more precarious, I will always need adjustments and tune ups.  I never know when my symptoms will come back. 

How awful, to go through life, never able to trust my own brain.  So, I'm online looking up antipsychotics and wondering if he'll give me something new, increase the stuff I am taking, or something else. 

It's really sad to say this, but I'm going to ask for Haldol if I get a choice.  It seems like a very potent medication, and I can live with the side effects and risks.  On a comparison basis, it seems as though the old stuff is more effective than the new. 

OK, psychotic stuff resurfacing; not fun.  Also awful: return of the depression!  Ugh.  I'm brooding about stuff, anxious, worried, sometimes I want to just scream and bang my head into a wall and say NO NO No! 

Lord, I know I'm not that strong, I have to lean on Him.  This is really hard for me to write.  I just feel very beaten down and wrung out - why me? 

Well, why not me?  I don't see anyone else doing a Bible handout.  I guess I have to be this way, to do what God's got for me to do. 

I had nightmares about my brother in law last night - Ron's brother.  Safe to say he never liked me.  Woke up, went back to sleep, no headache thank God. 

Thinking about the sure-to-ensue headache if I slept in, was a big factor in getting me up today.  After dragging myself through a shower and my  God Time (I really feel God could get a much better quality out of me, but I think He's just happy to get my attention), it was raining.  Great. 

I investigated, it was a moderate rain.  No breezes or thunderstorms; easily handled with a cheap umbrella. 

I went to Foodtown, got some soda.  I went to Starbucks.  For what I paid for some steamed milk, I could have gotten a gallon!  I went to my favorite dollar store. 

Then I went to the craft store.  I had a backpack, and a tote bag.  I tied the handles of the tote bag to indicate I wouldn't be sticking anything into the tote.  Then I went off to the art department. 

A manager immediately approached me and asked if I needed help, I thanked him, smiled, and said I was looking.  He went off and alerted the whole store, I heard the radio "code 10 in Art!  code 10!" 

Everytime I turned around I had an employee breathing down my neck.  That's fine, I wasn't going to break the law.   I was [shrug] just looking. 

The monitoring got progressively more intense, to the point I had someone standing at my shoulder.  I took my backpack off and told her "Would you like a soda?", taking out a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper with a big "PAID" sticker.  Then I zipped it and put it back on. 

Normally I would never do it, because it looks like I'm up to no good, but I figured she was watching my every move anyway.  I got some brushes, and asked about the paint.  I looked at the paint for a while and picked out some I liked. 

Now, a part of me wanted to lay into them; and say, "Look, I live life without a car.  Everything I buy I have to carry.  I have already been to two stores today.  In this economy, you should be happy I'm in here with money in my hand.  Why don't you bother a REAL shoplifter?" 

The majority part of me acknowledged I did look suspicious, and since I had nothing to hide, let 'em watch.  I wish I'd had some Bibles to hand out; but God doesn't want me doing it like that.  I CHOSE to be amused. 

I found it even sadder when I went to check out and a manager was standing by the register.  I held up each item to him, as I put them on the counter, silently telling him "I know you THOUGHT I was a bad guy, but I am a legitimate customer".  He grinned and walked off.  I paid, and went home. 

I was pretty soggy when I got home.  I took out the trash, and took a nap.  Had a decent nap. 

Got up, did a little computer work, sorted through the mail. 

Someone is sending me porno.  I don't get that at all.  I don't know how I got on that list but I find it odd.  I just throw it out; I recognize the envelope now.

It's just another odd note in a very strange life.   

Monday, July 18, 2011

The demon has a rosary?

Ron was pretty quiet last night.  I wish I could say the same for the neighbor's dog; a stray was running around and sniffing near "his" yard, apparently, so I had hours of frenzied barking.  Someone ran over the stray dog and killed it. 

That always bugs me, dog owners with constantly barking dogs.  It's like, don't you notice?  Doesn't it bother you, too?  Are you unwilling, or unable, to get your dog's silence? 

Cat's don't bark.  They don't eat their own waste, or attack running chainsaws, either.  They aren't territorial and aggressive towards humans.  No one has ever been killed by a cat attack. 

I can't help but feel that an incessantly barking dog owner doesn't really care.  They just seem selfish; my dog is going to keep you up all night, nothing you can do about it, and if you complain I will get ugly with you. 

I wonder if they have no-dog subdivisions anywhere in Texas.  I bet, if they did, it would be nice and quiet.  I'd bet they are POPULAR. 

My blog, my opinions.  When you have mental illness like I do, it is very important to get a good night's sleep. 

There is a reason sleep deprivation is used to torture people; because it works.  Happily, I got a good quality of sleep, if not the quantity I desired. 

I plan to take my lithium earlier in the day, also.  When I take it later, I get very thirsty and drink a fair amount of water, then I spend a lot of time getting up to urinate.  Necessary, but annoying.  Especially if I take the lithium right before bed. 

[short break, including a lithium dose]

I got up, did my God Time.  Got ready for work. 

I found it interesting that both rides were the large van; not the contracted cabs.  I wonder if any paratransit cabs are running today; or in the near future. 

Our ride was late, we were late, but the other vendor paid for our donuts and covered.  Snack sales were really tragic.  [sigh]  Really, all sales were tragic.  I have to think, they'll get better. 

The other vendor complained about bad sales, too, so it wasn't just us.  I got a lot done, including mashing up all the old cardboard and organizing the stockroom.  Even when sales are bad, we have a lot of work to accomplish. 

I was glad I told Ron I needed a longer day; I needed every minute.  We came home and ordered Chinese food; we were really tired, it was raining, and we both could use a treat.  I took a brief nap; but the neighbor got home early from work and was out playing with the kids. 

We lived in one apartment where we could hear the neighbor beating her kids, so it's an improvement.  Besides, if I sleep too late I can develop dreadful nightmares. 

Awakened, you're right about Ron's liver.  It must be a mess, but I have to leave that up to him and God.  I've told him what I think.  [shrug]  All I can do is pray now. 

I have tomorrow off, but not sure what I want to do.  I'm watching a Hellboy movie, and marveling at the girlfriend; she wears a huge cross around her neck and is having unmarried sex with a demon from hell.   I mean, assuming one COULD marry a demon from hell. 

And the demon has a rosary? 


That's today's media. 

Saturday, July 16, 2011


Ron, after waking me up repeatedly, coughing, woke up after 12.  It's very aggravating, he won't see a doctor.  He says "You should be mad at God for letting me cough" and refuses to take anything to stop coughing.   He doesn't like me to shut my bedroom door because "It has the good vent for the air conditioning". 

So, great, just what I want to see, Ron wakes up, drinks, and then when he stops drinking coughs for hours and then goes to sleep in the morning, so he can wake up after 12 and start drinking.  No wonder I'm a little cranky. 

I intend to tell him "Either you take something for the coughing, you shut your door, or I shut my door."  We could manage today because I was able to sleep in (day off) but we can't have this on a worknight. 

My local news site wants to be in all my business (to use local slang).  They want my facebook, blog, and email.  They want me "liking" articles on facebook.  I have not done so. 

However, I was reading the update on the cab accident, and found out it was one of my favorite drivers.  I apparently hit the wrong button and "liked" the story, so the news site has my avatar photo and full name up under the title, "liking" the article.  On the other stories, it just says "8 people recommended this on Facebook".  I assume I get the "star" treatment because it is my first like. 

No way, apparently, to unlike it.  I deleted the thing that came up on Facebook; but my whole name and face are still up there.  GREAAT. 

Since I am conservative and evangelical, I am not well liked by some of the posters.  They make it a point of "thumbs down" on all my comments, even bland ones like "praying for the family".  I really like my privacy, but I have to assume God let this happen for a reason. 

I am aggravated, upset about the driver (he is one of my favorites), and annoyed at Ron.  Sad but true, the other day I was feeling nervous because I didn't have "enough" persecution.  I tend to expect a certain level. 

I just wish Ron could see how this looks externally, drinking 12 hours a day.  He is convinced he does not have a problem because it's "only" 12 hours.  [beating my head into a wall]  Can I fix him?  No. 

I also have a persistent headache, from sleeping in.  Apparently, even if I'm exhausted and completely sleep deprived, I HAVE to get up. 

I am definitely feeling a little squeezed.  So, I'll go back to organizing the front room and then do some art for a while. 
Unless I am willing to leave, I shouldn't make threats, and mostly he's hurting himself. 

By the end of the week...

It looks like I was right.  Remember my post from the other day, about that really awful driver? 

Anyway, we did that, and went to the bank. It was a ride from hell.

1. Driver driving in the left hand turn lane, as the GPS and I are telling him to go right.

2. Cutting off other cars, and spending so much time looking into the rearview mirror he drove 1 block, on the wrong side of the road. I actually thought of you, as I saw the truck coming at us blaring his horn.

I wish to God I were kidding.

3. Weaving all over the road, especially when he stopped looking at the road, turned his head, and watched the radio as they did roll call. He went into not one but 2 other lanes.

When we got out Ron said "Heather!"

"I know, let's get inside".

We go into the bank. "What is that man smoking? I don't know!"

I take the opportunity to praise God, aloud, for our safety and the continued use of our legs. We decided not to call in; he is so bad he will have a wreck by the end of the week and be gone.

Cab crash kills 2

Witnesses told HPD investigators the taxi driver was swerving in and out of traffic along northbound U.S. 59 near Laura Koppe about 5 p.m. Friday when his van suddenly veered onto the shoulder and struck the tanker truck, officials said.

The passengers were elderly women, police said

Your average "elderly lady" cannot afford a regular fare cab; so I can easily conclude it must have been a Metrolift cab.  Most likely, the driver who almost killed us Monday.  I'm surprised he made it to Friday.

Friday, July 15, 2011

"Feels like hell"

I suspect I may have a gift for overlooking the obvious.  I started a new policy today; turn on the computer, let the antivirus run, and pick up for 10 minutes or so.  I have to have a plan; the obvious doesn't occur to me (I can't sit on the couch anymore, maybe time to clear it off?). 

This has been a more useful mania; I'm actually able to do things like housework, organizing, etc.  I'm feeling creative, but still have a decent amount of my budget.  I've done 3 loads of laundry, hung it up, and even started washing the bedding.  I don't want the pillows crawling off! 

One concept I plan to execute; I have an image in my head.  A small human figure is beset by terrible storms, fire, and tidal waves... yet remains calm and confident, with their eyes on Jesus.  "Though He slay me, I will trust in Him" - it's from the book of Job.  I played around with my crayons (I already had them) and I like the concept a lot.  I need to work on my human figure, though. I think kneeling, on one knee, with arms upraised. 

So, after I left the house, (I forgot my straw hat, but not for long in this heat!), came back, got the hat, and left again... I went to my bank and made a small deposit to cover that old hospital bill.  I have it on auto-pay. 

I only have, like $900 or so left.  [end sarcasm]  I think they're happy to get the $30 a month.  I think I'll view it as "sponsoring a patient" at the hospital; kind of like the starving kids, or abused animals.  "For just $30 a month, you can sponsor a patient at the Medical Center, ensuring they have soap and water, with which to bathe!"  Something like that makes it more palatable. 

It does bug me, if I had that money available I would love to sponsor a child through Gospel for Asia.  But I need to pay my bills. 

I got some soda, and went to the Christian bookstore, said hi.  I went to a craft store.  They were having a sale on canvases.  I got 2 for $4.  When I am ready to finalize my masterpiece I can put it on one.  I got some other stuff, keeping the total under $20. 

I left and headed over to the bus stop.  It was fun walking in the heat:
"Heat advisory in effect until 8 PM CDT Saturday...

The National Weather Service in Shreveport has issued a heat
advisory... which is in effect until 8 PM CDT Saturday.

* Event: daytime temperatures in the upper 90s to lower 100s will
combine with elevated humidity levels to produce heat index
values in excess of 105 degrees.

* Timing: heat index values of 105 to 110 degrees are expected
late Saturday morning through evening."

I had a definite "Feels like hell" outside.  I didn't get sick or anything, thank God.  I was very happy to get on the nice, air conditioned bus.  My lithium kicked in and I started feeling more kindly. 

I think I had been pretty irritable this morning.  I feel all warm and cozy now; that means I wasn't, earlier.  I called Ron, he was happy to hear from me.  Didn't want anything. 

As I spoke to him, I saw my bus go roaring by.  Hm.  I had a half hour now.  I went to Starbucks and got a steamed milk.  It was nice.  Then I went outside and sat down. 

Praise God for straw hats, with a drawstring.  It looked like it wanted to rain, later, and it was getting cloudy. 

My bus came and I got on.  I had pretty good transfers, I was riding during a "peak" hour, which means more buses.  Got off, walked home, no mail (good or bad).  I thought about taking a nap, but did some computer stuff instead. 

We go to work tomorrow, twice, actually.  First "The location" and then the bookstore. 

I hope to sleep well tonight. 

Count your blessings, already!

Heidi, yeah, it was probably the background music.  I'm sorry.  I went out on Wednesday, got some craft stuff.  Yesterday we ran some errands and rode paratransit forever. 

It has been very hot and humid recently; makes the whole "Day Out" rather exciting.  Especially as I read ominous warnings about temperature regulation on my bottle of risperidone. 

Ugh.  I am in a BAD MOOD right now. 

I needed groceries, so Ron set up a trip for us to go to the grocery store.  The grocery trip was fine, I got my grated cheese, tuna, etc.  Also some veggie juice. 

Our pickup, however, was over an hour late.  Boy, Ron had a LOT to say.  It started with general grumblings and went to his usual "The world is going to hell" spiel. 

I told him, I feel the whole deficit problem could be solved if we stopped giving other nations money; especially ones that hate us.  What is the point of funding a bunch of jerks who hate us anyway?  I think anyone can agree on that. 

He started yelling at me, I was trying to "fix things" and "Didn't [I] know that no one could "fix" things, only God could do that..." blah blah.  I told him I needed a break from the negativity.  He said "I'm not being negative"


"I'm not being negative, because God will come back and fix everything.  I am very tired of waiting, why doesn't He hurry up, God is torture man, etc." 

I THEN told him, your conversation is 1% positive, but right now all I am seeing is the 99%.  Can you please stop? 

He started cursing, then turned on the talking book and played it out loud.  That is torture for me. 

I have a learning disability, audio processing disorder.

I'm going to cut and paste the stuff that applies to me: 
"People with APD intermittently experience an inability to process verbal information. When people with APD have a processing failure, they do not process what is being said to them.

There are also many other hidden implications, which are not always apparent even to the person with the disability. For example, because people with APD are used to guessing to fill in the processing gaps, they may not even be aware that they have misunderstood something.....

have trouble paying attention to and remembering information presented orally, and may cope better with visually acquired information

have problems carrying out multi-step directions given orally; need to hear only one direction at a time

have poor listening skills

need more time to process information

have low academic performance (boy, did I)

have behavior problems (I think that goes more to "crazy")

have language difficulties (e.g., they confuse syllable sequences and have problems developing vocabulary and understanding language)

Other characteristics may include:
needing people to speak slowly

disliking locations with background noise such as bar, clubs or other social locations

a preference for written communication (e.g. text chat) [one reason I love the internet, it's all what I type, and read]
 Fewer words may be perceived than were actually said, as there can be problems detecting the gaps between words, creating the sense that someone is speaking unfamiliar or nonsense words. Those suffering from APD may have problems relating what has been said with its meaning, despite obvious recognition that a word has been said, as well as repetition of the word."  - [that happens a lot; someone is talking and I literally hear blah, blah, blah.  It can come in handy when Ron is raving at me.] 

So, for me, turning on a talking book and playing it loudly at me, is like hitting me.  It completely overwhelms me. 

What I find so provoking;  Ron KNOWS I find it painful.  It was done to "punish" me for asking him to stop the negativity. 

I had an interesting thought; Ron is taking stuff to me, that really needs to go to God.  I can't handle all his existential, depressing, negative, dramas.  Only God can do that; but he only yells at God or asks for help with something specific now and then. 

I went outside and waited for over half an hour.  I only came in again to use the bathroom, and [sarcasm] look who's using his headphones.  As soon as he got home he kept asking me when I was leaving... tell him when I leave, practically holding the door open.  Life is so unfair, why him...

I said "You're a victim.  Everyone IS out to get you.  You have it worse than anyone else on the planet.  Can you please move so I can bring in the groceries?" 

AGH.  I went and did some serious prayer time, went through my whole notebook and then just sent a lot of energy up at God without any words.  Ron turned up the volume on the talking book again.  Is he trying to piss me off? 

UGH.  Lord, give me the grace to deal.  Thank you for my medication and the ability to not commit a felony.  Amen. 

I almost didn't write anything, but I am upset and I am worried my blog may come off as "Sure things are bad but I've got it".  A lot of times, I don't.   I want to go shout at Ron: Count your blessings, already.  You have so many good things in your life and all you do is whine, whine, whine. 

Go see my doc, get something for your depression and TAKE IT.  Get rid of the booze, that is a depressant.  How about helping those less fortunate?  You could volunteer at hospice or something... the animal shelter, abused children, SOMETHING. 

But no, all he wants to do is drink, drunk, drunk, and have pity parties while lying in bed and complaining about God's injustice to him. 

I've told him, I've got my own burdens.  I'm suffering right along with you, but you're going to dump on me?  I'm the last person you should dump on - I'm the one who stayed! 

He just started cursing again. 

Worst of all; this is all SOBER time!  AGH!   I am definitely out of here before noon - the magic hour when the vodka comes out.  Ron does not have a drinking problem, he thinks, because he only drinks 12 hours a day.  Any more than that would indicate a problem

I could use some prayer today, if you're so minded. 

Thank you! 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I almost died, again, today.

Ugh.  I'm all crampy and miserable.  Mom once mentioned to me "Heather, you always had horrible periods - are they still bad?"  Yup.  Going off my family history I have another 10+ years.  Oh, goody. 

Happily a generic Aleve does the trick, but I have to adjust my lithium dose so I don't get toxic.  Talk to your doc.  Aleve raises lithium levels.  I can feel it actually. 

I overslept, Ron was really nice about waking me up.  I tend to be a little shrill, he just stood in the doorway and called my name quietly, then said "The ride is coming in an hour".  No time for God, sorry, Lord.  I'll get you after I finish my post. 

Showered, got dressed, went to work.  Ron had accidentally left a vending machine open, happily, someone closed it.  It looks like someone might have stolen a few cans of soda but that's it.  Not bad. 

Ron and I often marvel that 2 people with brain damage are allowed to run a business.  You should have seen us on Monday; part of the online report requires the amount, and date of sales tax paid.  We couldn't remember if we'd paid the Sales Tax.  It was pretty funny.  We thought we had, but ended up calling the bank to confirm. 

I had a little discomfort; gallbladder colic.  Oh, boy, let's go to the emergency room.  I'm still paying on that visit in 2009.  No thanks.  I figure if I fall down writhing, spike a fever, or turn yellow, then it's time for the hospital.  It's kind of a dull fullness sensation, then it gets kind of jabby and sharp.  [shrug]  I know the symptoms of "Big Trouble" and, should they manifest, I'll get help. 

It could even be depression; I used to have horrible abdominal pain - it went away after my diagnosis & medication.  It's interesting, because I take some stuff that is pretty toxic to the digestive system; and nothing.  Nary a twinge. 

Like I said, I'm not going to freak.  The last thing I want to do is go to an ER and sit next to some virulent person hacking up a lung, with grabby little kids poking at me (last time).  I went home and took some massive Vitamin C!  Oh, let's not forget the expensive cab ride home. 

Nope, not unless I fall down, yellow and screaming.  [laugh]  If, and I emphasize a very small probability this is anything serious, I will have my aunt update or do a text message from my cellphone. 

But [shrug] I've had this off and on for years and nothing major.  I really am not big on hospitals, needles, sick people, and then getting cut open and can't do anything fun for weeks. 

Anyway, we did that, and went to the bank.  It was a ride from hell. 
1.  Driver driving in the left hand turn lane, as the GPS and I are telling him to go right. 
2.  Cutting off other cars, and spending so much time looking into the rearview mirror he drove 1 block, on the wrong side of the road.  I actually thought of you, as I saw the truck coming at us blaring his horn. 
I wish to God I were kidding. 
3.  Weaving all over the road, especially when he stopped looking at the road, turned his head, and watched the radio as they did roll call.  He went into not one but 2 other lanes. 

When we got out Ron said "Heather!"
"I know, let's get inside". 
We go into the bank.  "What is that man smoking?  I don't know!"
I take the opportunity to praise God, aloud, for our safety and the continued use of our legs.  We decided not to call in; he is so bad he will have a wreck by the end of the week and be gone. 

[shudder]  Ron said he really wondered if that's how he'd meet God.  I concluded I would really rather NOT see "it" coming.  UGH. 

Happily, we had a much better ride home afterwards.  The driver hadn't seen us in ages.  She was very sweet and an excellent driver.  Praise God. 

When I got in the house, I ate and took another lithium, I needed it (I also don't like to take it right with a pain pill).  WHEW.  Then I took a nap, woke up, did some reading. 

Now I just need to do my God time, take out the trash, and check the mail. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Ode to Heather

When Ron gets drunk he often gets very talkative.  He likes to call people and talk. 

It used to bug me, because he slurs his words and it was obvious he had a few.  But, I figured, so what if people know.  He has an illness and I am not supporting it so what does it matter? 

Anyway, the last couple nights he has been calling all his friends; and singing the "ode to Heather": Heather is the best cook.  My wife is so smart.  My wife is great about purchasing songs for me to download.  My wife found me the best talking watch ever....

Because he has been drinking, he fails to realize he is speaking in a very LOUD voice.  It's cute. 

Probably one of the few times in my life I've enjoyed eavesdropping, on someone discussing me!  

"She makes the BEST hamburgers!"  [grin] 

I'm glad I didn't yell at him about the barbeque sauce on the floor.  It looked like he had a really good time heating up a cooked, frozen, burger - applying sauce, dropping some on the (thankfully tile) floor, and then stepping in it and tracking it all over.  [snort]  I needed to mop anyway, and beating him up after the fact would just make him feel bad. 

I'm just glad I was wrong; it looked like blood.  I was rather alarmed. 

Today, depression was munching me pretty bad this morning.  I decided to take a nap. 

Ron came in the room, sat on the floor by the bed, and began yet another impassioned ode.  He loves me.  No, really... he loves me.  More than anything, because I am ME...

It was very sweet.  I appreciated it.   It was a nice counterpoint to some nasty depression. 

Look like a dove

Ron will never tell me "You are getting fat". 

A little backstory: when we started feeding the birds,. the doves would coo loudly, outside the windows, so loud even Ron could hear them.  They had the 3 sylable call "I-love-you" and the 4 sylable "Come-out-and-play!"  I like to tease Ron a little by saying things to him, with the dove inflection.  This is really something I need to do in a video, but I speak in a higher pitched voice and use the same inflection. 

This morning, we went to Walmart.  We took the wheelchair.  Ron had fun.  More in a bit.  When we came home, I needed Ron to unlock the door, I'd forgotten my keys. 

I was cooing at Ron: "Un-LOCK-the-door!  Un-LOCK-the-door!"  He paused and looked at me; in his blind way.  "You're starting to LOOK like a dove!"  [laugh]  Well, he's right. 

That's why we had gone to Walmart, to buy induction foods for us to eat.  Ron had fun hanging out in one department, playing his music on his talking book machine, while I shopped. 

The lady working that department liked Ron so much she gave him a kiss on his head, as she left.  I grinned.  He's a charmer, when he wants to be.  He's just so cute. 

I'm glad I can view my husband thus! 

Then, I took him, gripping the handle of the shopping cart as he sat in the wheelchair, to the food section.  I got a ton of cottage cheese, eggs, and meat.  Ron got some of the precooked scrambled egg patties, and precooked sausage patties. 

Yes, I know IDEALLY I would be raising the meat, slaughtering it, processing it (ew), and cooking it fresh,   Ideally.  I'm crazy, in the throes of a horrible depression!  Leave a message after the tone!  Not only that, I have brain damage.  It's a lot easier to get a somewhat more processed item. 

Ron can fix his own lowcarb snacks and meals, now.  Good. 

He was completely quiet last night, I made a point of thanking him.  He preened a little "I was very careful, I didn't want to disturb you."  Very cute. 

Now, it's my day off.  I would like to do some cleaning and organizing, I'll try that; do what I can.  If nothing else I can rest up and get ready for my next mania. 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I did

A woman at work comitted suicide recently. 

Suicide is always a shock and horror to the "survivors".  I really wish I had never been that depressed, but I can offer a unique perspective. 

When suicidally depressed, the victim sees one way out = death.  It really doesn't matter what's good in their life, a child, religous faith, a spouse, money, or friends.  All they see is an unending world of pain; and more to come.  I told Ron once, "You could lay a dozen roses in my lap and tell me we won the lottery, and I'd still want to die". 

Nothing,  is worse than the thought of waking up tomorrow.  Nothing.  Even death is better, and in fact, preferable.  The thought of continued existence in the pain is just unthinkable. 

That said, I realized I did have choices.  I went to the hospital; and asked for help.  I got medication, took it, and improved.  I haven't been suicidal in years. 

If your depression is affecting your ability to live your life; if things aren't getting done because you just CAN'T; and the thought of waking up tomorrow is just awful to you, it's time to get help.  Make the call. 

Call 911, call a doctor.  Go to an emergency room and tell them you need help; and you'll get it.  Give the medication some time to work, and be gentle to yourself in the meantime.  You have a terrible illness, with a 10% or better mortality rate. 

You'd be kind to yourself if you had cancer.  You'd get help if you found a strange lump or started urinating blood; so be kind to yourself and get help for the depression. 

Soon, you'll find a quality of life you never dreamed was possible. 

I did. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A profit, on me, for once

Boy, I'm tired.  Part of it: I had some pretty awful nightmares.  The one I remember had me being drugged, and raped, by a large, hairy, white man... more happened after the rape that was bad but not remembered.  The other one was worse, but happily I forgot it.  I don't always enjoy sleep even when I'm able to. 

[shudder]  So, when I woke up, gasping, at 4 AM Ron was already up.  He told me to go back to sleep, we'd go to work tomorrow. 

I went back to sleep and had another dream I slept until late afternoon, when I woke up it was 8 AM.  That's sleeping in, for me.  I knew I couldn't sleep any more so I got up. 

I did my God time, showered, ate, and took my pills.  I decided to run an errand.  I feel, someone needs a Bible.  I needed to mail it.  That means about a 2 hour trip to the Post Office, on the bus.  Happily it was not a large package to mail. 

I packed it, along with plenty of drinks, to go out.  I went to the Christian bookstore first, and looked around.  I picked up an adorable little Bible, purple, with an embossed fake leather cover.  One of my favorite translations.  And, only $5.  I decided it would make me very happy, and got it. 

I had also read some excerpts from "Radical" - a book about evangelism in America.  I wanted to investigate further, and buy it from the bookstore, letting them make a profit on me, for once.  I sat down and read for a while. I liked it. 

The manager grinned when he saw the book "You're going to like it; you're already doing it, though!"  I took that as a compliment.  I got a meal, and went off to ride the 10 million buses it takes to get to the Post Office. 

Of course, I missed one, and had to wait over a half hour.  Happily, I had a bench, and shade.  I finally got to the Post Office, got everything "Squared Away" as Dad would say, and mailed it. 

Speaking of, I called Mom.  I gave her a little update and she enjoyed hearing about my antics.  I went to a thrift store, found some good used books, and went to Starbucks. 

I had good bus transfers to come home from Starbucks, but I'm completely exhausted.  I hope I sleep OK tonight. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Large women like you...

Last night I had some gastric troubles... got pretty dehydrated.  Thank  God that did not happen during the handout!  [shudder] 

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and then up every half hour because I was thirsty, thirsty, thirsty.  Ah, well. 

Ron and I were a little grumbly this morning; went to work.  A lot of work to do; I recieved the Coke delivery and put that up, stocked, recieved deliveries, checked codes, you name it.  Whew! 

We still didn't do it all, and need to go back tomorrow. 

I'm still getting used to my new workboots, but I really like them.  For some reason, I was starving, all day. 

I left about at our pickup time.  Oh, no.  It was her. 

She is notorious.  She is one of those highly controlling people who wants you to be miserable and angry.  She kept doing things to bait me, turning the A/C up on high, asking "Are you cold?" in a phony voice, and then leaving it on. 

The driving... well.  It's a good thing I'm with Jesus.  I counted 3 nearly head-on collisions.  Where a huge truck flew right at me with a monstrous blare of the air horn and she said "Oops", then looked at me to see if I was upset. 

God made it clear to me, a long time ago, the woman wants to push my button.  She is very negative (take care, Heather, not to repeat the mistake!), and hates happy people. 

So, a few funny highlights:
She outweighed me, by about 50 pounds, the time she told me "Large women like you shouldn't wear bright colors". 

Today she kept telling me I was fat, and asking Ron if he thought I was fat.  Ron didn't play and I just laughed at her.  I don't care about her opinion.  She still outweighs me by a good 50 pounds. 

Driving the wrong way on purpose, and then getting upset when I corrected her. 

Anyway, in her mind this was all OK.  You can't reason with that.  I could call in a complaint, and I mentioned to her that I could, when she was deliberately swerving from one lane to another, on the freeway.  "I guess you want me to call Metrolift and report you, huh?"  She stopped. 

In her mind, taking over an hour for a 25 minute trip was perfectly acceptable: she was supposed to take her lunch after she dropped us off.  So, in her mind, if she took her sweet time dropping us off (because we were *only* going home), she would get a later lunch. 

As I got out, I thanked God for the continued use of my legs (I always thank him after a dreadful ride), and reminded Ron "Thank God we get her so seldom!" 

It's very sad, actually. 

"Large women like you" - I was about 180!  [snort]  Compared to 90% of the ridership, I'm anorexic! 

Monday, July 4, 2011

I'm Freelance

It was great. Each handout is unique, and has it's own special "moment".

I knew this one would be interesting: After running to the grocery store, and dropping some stuff at home (work supplies), Chuck would be dropping me at my corner, then taking Ron to the liquor store. Ron is tired of only buying 1 bottle of Vodka (half gallon) and a box of wine (5 liters), or just getting 2-3 bottles of vodka.

He and Chuck made plans to buy 6 bottles (3 gallons), and 2 wine boxes today, after dropping me for my handout. :twitch He plans to do this once a month now, so I guess he is drinking 3/4 gallon of vodka a week.

God's told me, not to be a shrieky hater. So I'm not. I just pray, hard, for him. He has a serious illness; I try to treat it like asthma.

So, went to the grocery store. Got soda for work. Came home. Put up the soda, started dragging out my Bibles. I had a tote bag, 2 milk crates, an insulated backpack style cold bag full of cold drinks, and an empty mesh backpack.

I'd bought a bag of ice (7 pounds) at the grocery store. I put some in the cold bag, and the rest into the backpack! I wore it and it really helped, melting all down my back and keeping me nice and chilly. I had a few random diet sodas running around, too, and my metal handcart.

[favorite moment]

I told Chuck to drop me at the gas station. He didn't like the looks of 2 guys waiting at the bus stop, while I had a huge pull. "It's OK" I told him, "They're fine". I told Ron, later, they were Black, and dressed like they lived in a bad neighborhood.

I got out and immediately walked up to them. "Hi, I'm doing a Bible Handout today!" I pulled out the sign and displayed it. "I would LOVE to give you each a Bible!" They mumbled OK, and I handed them each one. They were very touched.

I got to work unloading and told Chuck I was ready. He and Ron drove off to get the liquor.

Yeah, some real bad guys. One helped me carry my stuff to the median, while the other gently warned me to stay hydrated.   Yup, those guys were awful.  [snort]   Then the bus came and they left.

I set up. It was slow-going at first, I started about a quarter to nine. I wanted to get a headstart because the water-selling guys take over the medians about noon or so. I worried about competition, and conflict.

The Spanish was hugely popular. I think I had one Spanish guy who looked at me and DIDN'T want something. I had a huge van full of people, 10 total, and they each wanted a Bible. It was incredible. I had just enough - 50.

I'd also brought 50 Kiddie booklets. I like them, but would the parents? They were HUGE. I had people coming back, and asking for more. I'd ask "Do you have kids? I have some stuff for the kids!" and show them the booklets. The parents loved them! It was really neat to see a parent, with a child in the car, and I was able to give the parent something, and the child. They both happily opened their books - happened a few times.

The Giant print were a big hit with the seniors, and a few who told me they had a senior at home wanting a Bible.

It was hot, horrendously hot. All my ice melted in about an hour. I had the paradox, I needed to stay hydrated, but not so much I had to use the bathroom. I asked God to help me with that.

I drank 2 powerades, a bottle of water (more on that), and I think 4 Diet Dr Peppers. Then I drank more when I finished.

I marched up and down, waving and pointing at my sign. Not much action for the first half hour. I had some really scary dudes glaring at me out of car windows. I had Christians (obviously) cracking up as they saw me and then giving me a thumbs up. I had a lady ask me about my church. I told her "I'm freelance". She loved it!

Pretty soon it got cranked up, I'd have periods of INSANE distribution, it seemed like every car at the light wanted a couple Bibles. Then I had quieter spells.

About this time the water guy showed up. Uh-oh.

He walked over to me, and I held up a Bible. "Oh, can I get one?" You betcha. He handed me a bottle of water (boy it was good and icy - if you live in Houston and you see those guys in the blue shirt selling water, get some!). He walked off and checked out the Bible, then asked for another. We worked together for about 20 minutes, selling water and handing out Bibles.  He could not have been any nicer. 

It kind of confused some people, but the Bible-wanters zoomed in on me. I handed out a couple to people at the bus stop (I'm in front of the bus stop, like a stage). I also had some people who pulled up right as the light changed, and doubled back for the their Bible! Very cool! One guy almost caused a wreck!

I always get a few people who want to make a donation. I tell them no thanks (can't take money, or I'll lose the sign), and asked them to pray for the recipients, or ask God to send me more people. I discussed my faith with a few other people who were curious about my motivations.

Many people were so touched, I was glad I was out there. I didn't even cook my brains, but when I handed the last ones off I ran to the bathroom! :pound Then I got yet another cold drink, and went off to Starbucks. One of the employees is a Christian and she was thrilled when I told her about the handout. Then I came home, exhausted, and took a nap.

I got really dirty this time, my legs were ick. I had a nice cold bath before that nap!

Bless this handout

Well, it's almost time for the handout.  I just need to eat, take my pills, and start hydrating. 

I emptied out my mesh backpack; I plan to buy a bag of ice and place it into the backpack, and wear it during the handout.  That should keep me nice and cool. 

Please take a minute to pray for God to send me hungry people, keep away the bad guys, and bless this handout.  Thanks! 

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I'm done with goodbyes

I've been in the habit, before a Bible handout, of writing a last post... because I suspect I will be martyred at some point. 

I'm done with goodbyes.  If you haven't met me, seen me, and known me, from 2 thousand some posts, not counting message boards and Facebook - you never will. 

I'm enjoying my life, and I have. 

I'm going to tell you about July 4th, 1992.  I used to love the 4th of July; my grandmother would come to visit when I lived on the East Coast, and we'd attend the fireworks show at a local school.  It was lovely.  I enjoyed the special attention from Grandma, good barbeque, and quality time with my family. 

A cross country move took care of visits from Grandma; I got her on Thanksgiving, instead.  My illness did a pretty good job of ruining pretty much every summer I had.  I would get horrendous summertime depressions. 

I had a whopper in July of 1992.  Ron and I had met, and were "sneaking around".  Well, would you let YOUR 17 year old date a 37 year old, unemployed man?  A blind man?  Hell, no.  Any parent who'd consent to that ought to have their head examined.  My Dad worried I would get exploited, and Ron was not a good provider at that point. 

Even my new love couldn't help with that depression, though.  I had just been "held back" from graduating high school, I suspect in part so the special ed department could get a fancy new computer.  All my friends were moving on to the next stage in their life, and I was looking forward to months yet in special ed and the humiliation of being a "senior", again. 

Oh, I wanted to die so desperately.  My parents accepted an invitation to visit with some church friends.  Their twin boys hung out with my little brother, who was out of town, so it was me and some boys who were years younger, and adults.  I just remember, wanting to die, the whole day. 

Fast forward 19 years; I'm preparing for my biggest Bible handout ever.  My medication has given me a great quality of life, and God has given me the grace to deal with all my problems. 

I don't need to say goodbye. 

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The live puppy

The live puppy certainly made up for the dead kitten.  [scratching head]  Yeah, that's my day. 

I got up, did my God Time, and decided to go out and have some fun on the bus.  I scoff at the heat advisory!  I also brought a Powerade Zero - those things are good, nocarb, and really seem to actually hydrate. 

I took my stuff out, caught the bus around noon.  Got to McDonald's around 1.  [snort]  That's riding the bus. 

A cat, a few blocks over, had kittens.  When we go down that street I enjoy their antics.  The little gray and white one was particularly adorable.  It got hit by a car and lay in the street, dead... as I walked by.  Extremely depressing.  "God's little Garbagemen" (per Ron), the vultures, were already circling. 

Speaking of vultures, I drank a lot of fluid today, ensuring I was urinating, a lot, every hour or so.  I feel fine. 

Actually, I was pretty manic this morning, but I crashed around 2:30, necessitating a lithium tablet.  I was glad I was in the midst of eating a beef stick as long as my arm! 

After that, I went to Walmart.  I don't like to give too many identifying details, but I had to walk quite a bit.  It was hot; but I was sucking down one cold beverage after another.  I wanted some headphones (didn't find any I liked), some workboot socks (I prefer the quarter-crew sock for sneakers, but the new boots cover my ankle entirely), and some red-white-and blue milk crates for my Bible handout. 

Well,  I found the socks [laugh].  I thought the foam ice chest was vastly overpriced, at $6.  I intend to use one of my cold storage bags.  The kind I use to get my milk and meat home, nice and cold, on Metrolift.  I am very cautious with food safety.  I left and went to Starbucks (I took my lithium capsule in the WM parking lot).  I need to refill that bottle, by the way.  I have a little of everything I take, in case I'm away from home and need it.  One night I was hallucinating, I was glad I had my risperidone. 

Ron called about this time.  AA says "Don't get all shrill and hatey the next day; don't beat them over the head with the misdeeds, be matter-of-fact."  Ron asked why (something was different) and I said "You were busy last night".  He said he hoped I'd been able to sleep and I said "Not really but God gave me a good quality anyway, please let me sleep tomight".   He said he would.  I really don't think he wants to drink; he just doesn't know how to stop.  I am not making excuses.  He is making a choice and from my viewpoint, not fighting the alcohol.  But that's between him and God, and the vodka. 

Then we talked about other stuff and he said he was glad I had gone out and had fun.  I know he meant it.   I said I'd had fun, and I did. 

I got hassled a little on the bus, a manic, addicted, homeless person kept trying to sit next to me on the bus.  I told him "No, I don't let strange men sit next to me".  He said OK and left me alone, kind of.  I think he was messing with my backpack, as he sat behind me, but I moved it so he couldn't touch it anymore. 

It is wierd, how God is always putting addicted and mentally ill people in my way.  [shrug]  Maybe it is Him telling me to keep taking my pills, and don't use anything.  I'd die before I stopped my medication, and I am terrified of addiction; and I think it's a very healthy fear. 

I didn't even have a long wait at the last bus stop, normally a hellish roasting pan.  The stone bus benches were so hot today I had to use a handtowel as padding, so I wouldn't cook my butt.  That's hot!  We got over 100 degrees. 

As I walked home, a cute little puppy came out of nowhere and started loving on my ankles.  He followed me home and I gave him some water, then he left.  Cute. 

I don't think Bubba-cat would agree, though. 


So, eventually I went to bed.  Ron fell on the floor repeatedly and made odd noises all night, waking me up. 

I asked God for a good quality of sleep, and I got it - amazingly.  As soon as I do my God time, pills, etc, I will be getting out of here. 

I would rather sit in 100 degree temps, full sun, and high humidity at the bus stop than endure... that again.  Or, justifications. 

Friday, July 1, 2011

When I do...

Oh, I am furious.  I can't find my keys and cell phone. 

If I had them, I would have walked out of here and never come back.  Ron is just getting uglier and uglier. 

Yes, I am aware part of this is spiritual; but it would SURE BE NICE TO GO OUTSIDE WHEN HE'S CURSING ME.   But I couldn't because if I do that without my keys he locks me out.  Then tries to make me beg to come in again. 

I had a horrible headache when I came home, and I didn't want my cell phone to bug me when I was sleeping.  I can't find it, but when I do....

More ways than one

Ugh.  Nothing like being shouted at when I'm already depressed.  Well, I can do something about that; by taking my pills.  Which I did. 

I can stop drinking too much caffeine, although I don't have any reason to set my alarm clock.  What am I going to do, kiss Ron goodbye as he goes to the liquor store? 

I think, and I pray, and I come down to a couple of questions only God can answer:
1.  Am I really so prone to Idolatry, that God has to use this to keep my mind in the right spot?  Quite probably.  One thing I see again and again in the Old Testament (if you didn't know, I read my Bible daily), people turning from God, to idols.  I am not cherishing and valuing an inantimate object, but I do tend to look to Ron for my happiness and security. 

I read a great book recently, "Once an Arafat Man" by Tass Saada.  He says "An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. When we think we must have a certain outcome to be happy, fulfilled, or secure, we are prone to clash with anything or anyone who gets in our way. God, meanwhile, is in the business of smashing idols."

Nothing to smash an idol, like a drunken tirade!  [shrug]

2.  If I knew I could do good work for God, would I stay in this relationship?  The answer is yes, with conditions.  AA says "Never argue with a drunk" so I'm not going into a "State of the Union" with Ron "After 12".   However, we will have another talk about verbal abuse. 

Another good quote from Brother Yun this time ("The Heavenly Man") "We shouldn't pray for a lighter load to carry, but a stronger back to endure! Then the world will see that God is with us, empowering us to live in a way that reflects his love and power."

At this moment in time, I don't know God's will for me.  I get a little frustrated, every time I do a handout I have to endure verbal abuse and tirades from my "husband".   At those times, I feel like he's just a tool the Devil is using to attack me.  But I can't tell him that.  He is completely blinded, in more ways than one. 

It's just completely impossible to reason with him, or even get him to think about my point of view.  He wants to shout at me, hand down edicts, and storm off.   I wish I could say it is the head injury; but it isn't.  He did this pretty much from the start. 

Actually, he was a lot worse.  He would say if I couldn't "measure up", he'd throw me out.  Nice.  Now it's completely inverted.  If God tells me to go, I will walk away from everything in a heartbeat. 

Even if I have to live in "cracktown" again, I know He'll take care of me.  God is consistent and does not fail.  Unlike humans. 

is there anything...

I had to tell Ron, yet again, I would move out.  Verbal abuse.  I really enjoy how he is using bad-word synonyms for "promiscious".  I only had sex with him, and that makes me a whore?  Everything wrong in his life is my fault.  I have "Bounce" by Manafest turned up very, very, loud to drown out the drunken ravings. 

I don't see any way to even talk to him.  He is angry because I have dirty dishes in the sink.  If he would actually LISTEN, I could tell him, when I am depressed I am lucky to get into the shower, go to work, and do laundry.  I'm not able to do dishes. But no, if I even got to "depressed' he would start ranting.  He turns it into "God has saddled me with a broken [expletive].  Why do I have to have the broken cookie?"  Later on he would say, oh, yeah, he loved, me - but he would take any mention of my illness as a personal attack on him.  I forget what it is, but some personality disorder - I think narcissistic  - they can't stand it if anyone else gets positive attention, and I see that a LOT with him.  Any reminder that I am not perfect [oh, very mature, Ron is now saying I can buy a gun and shoot him, if I'm going to leave]...anyway, any reminder that I am not perfect just sets him off.  Then, if he's feeling spiteful, he turns it around on me "Well, if I had a NORMAL woman..." and I always think, a normal woman would have castrated you for sleeping with your co-workers, plural, before leaving you.  She sure wouldn't have stuck around after the accident when you thought the hospital bed was a taxicab.  When he does that, I think it, and I have a tremendous urge to laugh. 

How do I reason with that?  It's completely irrational.  Then, if we got that far, he would then get very cynical and accuse me of saying "I can't" when I really could, because I was lazy. 

I mentioned on my local news site, in passing, that my brother is a convicted murderer.  Another poster was horrified (somewhere between "I have mental illness" and "My mother had her first baby (the murderer) at age 13" - it just melted her brain.  I forget, [shrug]  I don't have the usual life.  I accept that. 

God uses that, to use me.  He has made it clear to me that I'm to treat Ron as the unbelieving husband in 1 Corinthians 7 .  Trust me, I don't like it.  However, Ron verbally abusing me when I am depressed is as bad as him physically abusing me.  It's abusing me, period. 

God has not called me to be called a broken piece of waste, a *itch, synonyms for whore, and every ugly thing he can drudge out of his head.  God has not called me to ante up for my own workboots, while Ron plans to buy "a lot" of vodka this weekend. 

So I told him, if he hated me that much I'd be happy to move out.  I am not put here on earth to please him.  He needs to find happiness within, not because I am jumping to his every whim and allowing him to dump on me. 

Never Fails

I would never question someone's salvation.  It's not my place.  I do wonder, sometimes. 

The other day when Ron and I ran errands with our friend Chuck, he told Ron "No matter how negative you get, Heather stays positve".   He also told Ron he didn't deserve me, needed to treat me better, etc.  This, I got secondhand from Ron. 

Ron woke up in a bad mood and he was going to keep it.  He has asked me to wake him up 20 minutes before the pickup if he is not awake.  I did that, and got shouted at.  I will tell Ron, later, he has to get himself up.  I'm not getting yelled at again. 

He was angry that I couldn't fix his watch; the watch even a jeweler said he couldn't fix.  What am I?  Just because I can often fix a vending machine...

It culminated in Ron throwing a tantrum at the wholesale warehouse.  I told him, "OK, let me know when you're done.  You're only making yourself look bad." 

I am coming to the realization that my husband is not very patient, kind, or compassionate these days.  I find that very sad.  He's, like, turning into this bitter alcoholic caricature of himself. 

Thank God I have God, who never fails.  I'm going to avoid Ron as much as possible today. 

A trip to the hematologist

I slept OK but woke up really tired.  I hit the snooze alarm a few times, much to Biscuit's disgust.  But I'm getting ahead of mys...