Posts

Showing posts from November, 2014

Bang Bang

I worked all weekend. 

Yesterday was truck day.  I was pretty exhausted when I made it home, but I should have adequate inventory for a while.  I did forget the crackers. 

I forget what I did when we came home, hopefully got a nap.  I did watch a few movies on TV, including the Grumpy Cat one which was pretty cute. 

Today I wanted to go to church, but Ron said no because "It is supposed to rain".  It didn't of course. 

I slept in as late as I could (7 AM), did my God Time, and helped Ron with various accounting aspects for a couple of hours. 

Like I told him "If you're self employed you had better love what you do, 'cause you'll be doing it!"  I do enjoy most aspects of my job, so I consider myself blessed. 

I have found it pretty funny.  Ron and I, years back, designated "his" and "my" counter top, sink, etc.  His ongoing gripe, every time he's gotten drunk, is "my" sink.  Well,  my sink has been empty for days - a…

Take off your glasses!

I dated a few boys before I met Ron.  I "liked" another boy at church. 

Their mothers all said the same thing, I "Had a cute figure" - "cute" being synonymous with "flat", I suppose.  Little did they know I'd end up here. 

So, we'd go on a date.  The first date I recall - a trip to the ice cream parlor about a mile from my home.  We walked from my house. 

John (the boy I was dating, he was far more into me than I was him), wanted to get a shake, or a malt.  With two straws, for me and my girl.  So far, so good. 

We each loaded up a straw and started working on the beverage.  He gazed at me adoringly as I squirmed awkwardly (I was about 12). 

"Heather" he sighed.  "Take off your glasses.  I want to see your eyes!" 

They're the same eyes, I thought.  I was also worried because I knew my eyeglasses were very expensive.  John reached for them.  I stopped him and took the glasses off, terrified I would break them. 

My …

Both

Well, I had a nice average mood for a day or so.  That was nice.

I wouldn't wish my illness on anyone, not even the guy who ran over Ron.

I slept reasonably late last night.  #8 had a party, some music, but not super loud.  I could sleep even without the earplugs.

I hope to practice wearing the earplugs, when I don't need them, so they are familiar and comfortable when I do need them.  That's the theory at least.  They are fantastic at noise blocking (about 40 dB).  I took them out last night and heard some bass - I didn't think they would work that well.

I just hope to get used to them.  Right now the earplugs feel "funny" and "invasive".  Isn't it nice to read about me actually addressing the problem, rather than ranting about the neighbors?

I did my God Time and headed off to work.  Or so I hoped.  The guy who picked us up scares me.

He reminded me a lot of this guy , the one who almost broke my legs back in June.  Thank God, He still has His…

A lot about hormones

Well.  Interesting today. 

As you know, I decided since the majority of my headaches were hormonal, I would take a hormonal approach.  I increased my intake of soy foods and began taking some phytoestrogens (plant estrogens).  They work as an estrogen, with far fewer side effects. 

Traditional estrogen is made from the urine of caged, pregnant, horses.  That's not something I want to endorse, even if I felt such a product would be beneficial. 

Traditional estrogens have plenty of health concerns, phytoestrogens do not. 

At any rate, for as long as I can remember, I have had horrific headaches all week, leading up to the day of my cycle.  The day my cycle starts I got an even worse migraine, if possible.  Hideous. 

This has been going on for years, at least as long as the hot flashes, etc.  I have blamed all of this on "medication".  However, I'm concluding it might be hormonal after all. 

"Hormones" - seems like such a cop-out, something a weak woman would …

Weapon

Well, I had a good day. 

Ron stayed home, I went.  I had a lot of fun and took my evening meds with dinner. 

They hit me pretty hard (the meds, not the family!) about 15 minutes later.  This was the general dizzy sensation.  At least I could still think. 

My uncle was a little worried, but I told him it's just the price tag and I really am OK with it.  I am.  I have to be. 

I have a horrible illness that wants me dead.  I have one weapon: medication.  I'd damned well better use it.

Every Day

Today we all, like, have to do the Thanksgiving post. 

Well, I try to be thankful every day.  I'm trying, when I wake up, to just lie in bed thanking God for various things.  Not just my house but all the working systems in my house.  All the cats I've known. The good times with Ron, and how the bad times make me stronger. 

My illness, and the empathy I hope it has given me.  God choosing to use me for Bible Handouts - because anyone can do it. 

Every day, not just one.

My life...

M., happy to do it.  I also put up a FB request (and will continue every week or so) for "a friend" with your circumstances. 

I think I made a good call yesterday.  Ron and I got up very early and went to Walmart.  While there, I thought about the probable holiday racket I might encounter the next month or so. 

I saw a pair of corkscrew earplugs.  They cost about $2.50, I think.  What the heck, I thought.  Why not? 

I have discovered the silicone ones fall out and get stuck in my hair, with some real pain on removal.  The foam ones pop out, sometimes. 

Yes, I follow the directions. 

So, I got it.  Then, actually.  I got 2 pair in the package.  I also bought some lights for Ron's wheelchair (Christmas, white and colored), and plenty of batteries to run the works. 

We came home, did the Bible Handout, came home.  Ron had been in a pretty awful mood all day, running everything down, moping, negativity, etc. 

It's funny, because I consider that "not bad".  &quo…

Another Handout

I think the seminal moment of today's handout would be me, "chasing" the "Big, Scary, Black man" around the median, laughing as I brandished a couple of Bibles at him. He slowed down, I went over, and he pulled off slowly. I began to jog next to him, digging in my bag for some Bibles. He started laughing, and went around the turnaround. So did I, also laughing. "I'm gonna catch you!"
He "let" me catch him and took a couple New Testaments.

I couldn't work my usual spot today. Ron and I encountered several people, also clad in orange safety vests, panhandling "for charity" on every median at the intersection.

[Bad Word]

I scratched my head for a minute and looked in both directions. South wasn't good. So I went north, about half a block, and found myself at the median turnaround point.

I "could" have worked my usual spot, but I didn't want the panhandlers shoving their buckets at t…

The wince

Long term readers know I occasionally become upset by "the man who ran over my husband" - henceforth I will call him The Maimer, 'cause he put Ron in a wheelchair. 

Work is hiring.  They have been conducting a lot of interviews lately.  They bring the applicants in the front door and sit them in the hall (step one, I have no idea what happens afterward).  They ran out of chairs, so they took the chairs out of the front breakroom, tended by the other vendor. 

I won't be telling them that.  So, the "regulars" had nowhere to sit.  Every break area has it's regulars.  The Maimer is a regular in the front breakroom, usually. 

As I stocked, I reminded myself I'd see him; to anticipate it, so I could act instead of reacting. 

You can imagine how I feel, seeing him walk around ablebodied. 

It's ironic, because God enabled me to forgive the officer who stole Ron's money, falsified the accident report, lied about a witness, had Ron walking into the st…

Growly

Or I could have called it a tale of 2 cats.  My cat is older and very cuddly.  You can pet her bald.  She loves to get in laps and petting, gets upset if I have to go to the bathroom. 

Ron's cat is more independent.  Physical affection is always on her terms.  I only pet her when we get home from work. The rest of the time she's just not interested in my attention.  She allows some petting, but not much.  If Ron gets overeager she will growl at him. 

Ron calls her "Growly" when she does that.  He gets very offended but every cat is different.  "Torbie's right there" I told him "She'd love some petting." 

When I woke up, Baby Girl had chosen to sleep on my jeans and bra.  I said hello, and she opened her eyes, stretched, and meowed at me.  I knew I had permission, and gave her a few pets while speaking sweetly.  When I needed my clothes, I lifted her up and got the clothes, then resettled her on the remaining clean clothes.  She meowed aga…

3 Steps

You know who you are, of course I will be praying for both of you and everyone in your circle.  I am so sorry to hear that.  ((((Hugs)))

I had a talk with Ron.  I basically said, I feel that you are pointing complaints and hostility at me.  Constantly.  Would you want to be around that person? 

Example, I wake up with a headache, you attack me for it, even though I am going to work with this headache and helping you make a living.  If you woke up feeling like that, what would you want? 

Oh. 

He was much nicer this morning.  I call that a win, for however long it lasts. 

Speaking of, I was OK with regard to headaches, until I took my antidepressant (headdesk).  I ended up having to take my generic excedrin, crammed in a van with a woman, her purse (which apparently required it's own seat), a very large man in a wheelchair, another guy in a reclining wheelchair (for blood pressure issues), and the second wheelchair user's father, who did make room for me to sit.  Good thing.  I …

Flip

My hair is probably the longest it's been in my life.  Somewhat wavy, waist length, I keep it in a ponytail. 

I find, as I go about my day, my ponytail likes to fall over my right shoulder and cascade over my chest.  I then find myself grabbing said ponytail with one hand and flipping it down across my back. 

I pulled a muscle a while back, and only then I did I realize how often I was doing this - because, for a few days, it hurt to perform the maneuver. 

I guess that would be one of my "endearing" habits.  Fixing my ponytail.

The Medicated

I know several other people with bipolar disorder.  People who talk about having it.  Many of them are on again/off again with their medication. 

I am sure I "know" many more who do not talk about having it. 

I can see why. 

A little family drama: someone has decided to go back on her medication.  I, of course, applauded the decision. 

In response, the woman's mother wrote this, directed at me:  Wow, too bad you people would rather poison your bodies than find a good program that teaches you to know your signs and how to adjust yourselves! 

Talk about blaming the victim!  My parents have 2 children with bipolar disorder, and I believe their fondest dream is that the other child would be as committed as I am, to medication and simple living.  
They would NEVER accuse me of "wanting to poison my body".  

Ironically, from what I have heard, this woman has major mental health issues of her own.  I think those who are most vicious, attacking 'the medicated'…

She's MINE now

I really want to be a positive person.  I hate what I see in others, the negativity, never finding joy in anything. 

[sigh] 

Well, Torbie cat slept with me all night.  When I woke up, at one point, battling a migraine, she was lying on my pillow gazing at me, lovingly.  She is a wonderful cat - one of the best I've ever known. 

#19, the party machine, was playing very loud music.  The police got him to turn it down but I could still hear it for most of the night.  I have to think this kid (him and his girlfriend are maybe 20) doesn't work for a living, probably a student, so he figures "everyone" likes to party on Friday night.  He isn't observant enough to realize everyone else is quiet, maybe I should be, too.  

I think the "partiers" in our neighborhood go out, then come home.  

I'd gone to bed with chills and fever.  I felt horrible.  I had a pretty nasty abscess on my leg, fairly big and deep.  It was pretty painful.  I figured out, later, the …

Always and every day

I always want the Bad News first. 

I woke up with a nasty headache.  I couldn't take my antidepressant - if I have a severe headache (I only call them migraines if the nausea is present), I will vomit upon ingestion of said Wellbutrin.  I waste the medicine and I vomit.  So I don't. 

I had to work like that. 

Our guy with a truck, truck's broken.  We will have to take all our supplies on paratransit for the next 8 days.  I am NOT looking forward to that. 

I had to medicate the cats, and they both hate me right now (flea drops). 

The horrible woman at the warehouse was not fired, and working today, when we visited.  However, she was very subdued.  

That said, here's the good news: 

Torbie slept with me all night, and I got plenty of lap time too (which is now I noticed she was a fleabag and needed medicating).   She isn't speaking to me at all right now and ran away from treats. 

The headache left, pretty much, upon ingestion, of all things, powdered sugar donuts.…

Use your words

I did have a good night of sleep.  However, it's never a good sign when the headache wakes me up.  It did, around 5.  I had my alarm set for 6.  I took some Excedrin and got up. 

I was too depressed for a shower, and my hair was "acceptable" for Walmart.  I slapped on some extra deodorant and dressed. 

Happily, I did manage my God Time, all while being mugged for cat treats, by Torbie.  She's pretty cute. 

Ron woke up, I made sure he looked OK (because no one points a finger at him, if he looks bad it is always my fault).  Our first ride was late. 

We got to Walmart with about an hour and a half shopping time.  However, my first dose had worn off and my second dose of Excedrin had me pretty wobbly. 

I had wanted to talk to the personnel lady about the Bible handout, but figured I wouldn't present a good image with my hair, and my general "presentation".   Besides, I feel like God wants me to wait and let Him do it all. 

I had a pretty detailed list.  Ro…

It can't hurt

I think God wants me to work some more on respecting Ron. 

Don't get me wrong, Ron is oblivious to all of this.  He may feel it in his gut but nothing overt. 

In a lot of ways, I do respect him.  I don't know anyone else who could endure what he has, come back, and go back to work. 

However, I don't know whether it's the alcohol, or a general negative outlook, but I see him eaten up by negativity, lack of motivation, bitterness, and an f-it-all attitude.  He just goes on and on - negativity during every conversation we have, for, minimum, several minutes at a time. 

Yes, he is depressed.  I believe dysthymia, a state of chronic and unrelenting depression.  I believe it is one of the things driving him to drink. 

Where does understanding and acceptance end?  Where does respect and tolerance end?  Where do I say "I can't take anymore" and endure the inevitable tantrum?  

I understand he has theological issues.  He is very eager for God to rapture us, new …

Cat hair on the keyboard

I like to end things on a positive note. 

Remember I was out of crackers?  I carry several different types, including whole grain. 

Today I went to the warehouse and bought the crackers, and some trail mix.  I was rather upset (scroll down for that), though, and forgot the hot mix 1 ounce chips.  [sigh]

I keep finding cat hair on my keyboard.  I think someone is sleeping up here during the day.  What a sad life it would be without cat hair. 

Poor naked kitties - the Sphynx, I feel so sorry for them. 

Anyway, I went to the warehouse, had a lot of drama I really didn't want, on top of a horrible depression, and getting out of a nice warm bed at God knows what in the morning. 

That's what I had to do, I just wanted to make sure my customers had good selections.  I had my stuff on my handcart, rolling from one machine to the next. 

A woman came up to me, looking miserable.  "I'm really sick to my stomach" she mumbled.  "Do you have any crackers?" 

THAT is w…

Count your blessings

See, I was already having a bad day before the greeter incident. 

I woke up horribly depressed. 

Ron has been incredibly negative and picking at my faith all day.  For instance, I told him I wanted to take a nap so he made a lot of racket, taking out the garbage.  Passive-aggressive.  He's also been having hysterics because our guy-with-a-truck is having truck issues. 

We've run the business without a truck before, we can do it again.  Worst case, we would need to convert the bottled vendor from 16.9 ounce drinks, to 20 ounces, and raise the prices accordingly.  We'd get the sodas delivered, by Dr Pepper, who would love the business.  We'd have room for the inventory because we have room for the inventory, now. 

I would get wholesale delivery for snacks, instead of going out to get it.  The warehouse would be rather unhappy to lose our business but we could do it. 

It would mean far less physical labor for me.  

Ron was also talking about how he "couldn't&quo…

Code Pissed

"You can't leave him there." the greeter told me "People can see him there.  It looks bad [having someone with a disability sitting in public].  You need to put him in the corner, or it will upset the business customers." 

Oh, it will?  

Business customers?  What the heck are we?  

I was not happy.  I can, and do, endure all sorts of personal attacks on a daily basis.  However, with my life, I'm used to it and I generally laugh it off.  However, attack my husband and you will meet a whole different Heather. 

First, I went over to a group of cashiers and associates, gossiping.  I told them the greeter had just told me I had to hide my husband in a corner because he "looked bad" sitting in his wheelchair.  I also told them she told me the sight of my husband would "Upset the business customers". 

"What year are we living in?" I vented in exasperation "Do we hide all the cripples in the closet or what?  I am pissed!  Do you k…

"I could deal with the screaming"

Depression's back. 

That means I had about a week long mania.  Not too bad.

The forthcoming month long depression will be miserable, though, especially in winter. 

Facebook is running an ad campaign for some pharmaceutical company "Bipolar disorder?  You've got this!"  GACK. 

No, I don't.  I'm gagging down toxic medication at every turn, suffering horrendous side effects, and battling horrific depressions.  The only thing I've "got" is a dreadful, mortal, illness (an estimated 20-25% commit suicide, that's worse than a lot of cancers).  I have to fight with every fiber of my being every second of every single day. 

This is a lot different from "got this".  "Got this" - an illness, sure, but no big deal.  Let me tell you, my illness is a very big forking deal. 

I don't need some purveyor of toxic, overpriced, most likely fatal side effectual pharmaceuticals to give me a freaking pep talk.  I take my meds, and they keep…

Make my own happy

So, what did I do this weekend?

Well, both days off (in a row!) I had a nice nap.  I slept late today with no alarm. 

I reminded myself that even though my neighbors can aggravate, all neighbors will do that.  Mine aren't out there mutilating cats and leaving them on the doorstep, either, like they are in the Heights area (an affluent Houston suburb). 

The cats have been awesome, healthy and cuddly.  Well, Torbie's version of cuddly involves sleeping in my grandmother's knitting basket, a couple feet from the bed, and mugging me for treats during my God Time. 

Ron is still drinking, but not ugly.  He isn't having blackouts either.  If I have to live with an alcoholic I guess that's what I'll take. 

It's funny the things I told myself as a teenager: I will never live with an abuser.  I will never live with an alcoholic.  I will never live with someone who manipulates me (that did end pretty much after the accident, either that or God and maturity has enabled…

Neighbors?

It's been an odd weekend for the neighbors. 

Yesterday I looked out the window to find a huge rental party bus half the size of a city bus, parked in front of my house.  #2 began playing the same old tired Mexican polka party CD. 

I really have to wonder, do they only have one party CD?  For all of them?  Because it sure seems like it. 

Anyway, It was apparent they were going to have a huge party.  I did take hope from the bus - they wouldn't have rented the bus if they weren't going somewhere. 

I had Ron call the landlady, who swiftly reminded them "This is a place to live, not a place to party" and they turned it down and left.  Wow.  Great.  We didn't hear them come back, either. 

My gripe with that; we have plenty of rowdy neighborhoods in Houston, where they party every night.  But they don't want their sleep disturbed, and they come here.  But they still want to have the rowdy party.  You don't get both, sorry. 

Then a black pickup, visiting #…