Showing posts from June, 2011

Bad Heather!

A pretty good depression indicator.  I'm hungry.  I want to eat some peanut butter.  But all the spoons are dirty in the sink and the thought of cleaning them is just exhausting. 

I am pretty proud of myself; I did a very good job of taking care of myself today.  Got up, too tired to do any God time (sorry Lord), and went to Walmart.  I couldn't find a good cart for Ron, so I left him on a bench. 

I desperately needed workboots.  My old ones (almost a year old) feel like cinderblocks, lined with razorblades).  I didn't have any good regular shoes, either.  I've just been wearing the painful workboots everywhere.  Bad Heather! 

Ron was touching my foot the other day and commented on my calluses.  Said I need new shoes, and he'd pay for them (we'll see). 

So, I went to Walmart and I started trying on shoes.  I found a good pair of Brahma workboots - they have a steel toe, slip resistant, and look just like the "approved footwear" image on the poster…

Time for Bed

I had a horrible time getting over here tonight; sneak attack depression. 

I didn't sleep well.  Barky, the dog behind us, was really upset and barking a lot.  I think the little gray dog got out again.   AGH.  So, there I am, yet again, lying in bed and begging God for a good quality of sleep. 

I was pretty groggy, just did the Bible study this morning (an indicator - I only just now got around to the rest).  Ron and I took the wheelchair, which translated to me riding in the wheelchair (it is very bouncy in the back of a converted wheelchair taxicab - painful for Ron), while Ron sat in the middle row of seats, squeezed between two large, "slow" men. 

The driver tried to tell me to sit up there, but I told her "I'm not getting pressed up against some strange man if I can help it".  She tried to tell me the next guy was "a kid" - when we picked him up he was over 6 feet tall and well over 200 pounds.  The seating is designed for people about 18…

Another video blog


Not a Ballerina!

OK, gang, getting ready to go to bed. 

Properly medicated, I can feel the lithium working... doing the Igor thing and dragging my foot.  Balance is fun, too. 

I'm glad I'm not a ballerina!  I'd be unemployed! 

I bagged up a TON of stuff for tomorrow, plenty of Driver Candy, Spanish (I still have plenty of Pulparindo), and some kiddie booklets.  You never know. 

I ask God to keep me useful.  I really worry I will get vain, prideful, arrogant... stupid, and render myself useless.  Please, Lord, DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN! 

Ooh.  Typing is fun, now.  Good.  I want to keep my illness coralled in the lithium pen.  It can run around in the pen, bray, roar, whatever, but it can't jump the fence! 

Thank you, JESUS, for my medication.  Happily I've had very little depression today, too.

Video Blog!


Basically, alone

While watching TV, I got to thinking about how I interact with others. 

While very transparent online, in my daily living I hold myself back.  I seldom allow myself to get close to others, even family. 

Part of it, I'm sure, goes to "nurture".  I was massively neglected as an infant and toddler.  That's one of the few things "everyone" agrees on regarding my early childhood.   She wasn't violent, but she scared me sometimex, drunk and manic. 

The fallout of my mother's illness, really confirmed my decision to stay childless.  I would rather boil myself in oil, than permit a child of mine to endure what I had. 

Now, I have to say, no one knew she had bipolar disorder.  She had no medication, and coped as best she could. 

Part of it, of course has to go to the disabilities.  While we are very social, Fetal Alcohol children don't know the rules.  We're the ones you dread, when you see us coming, and wish you could, somehow, escape the pend…


""It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."

— Dale Carnegie

""One of the tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today."

— Dale Carnegie

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."

— Dale Carnegie

"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about." - Dale Carnagie

"Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? How did they work out? Didn't you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn't most of them turn out all right after all?"

— Dale Carnegie

I really need to buy that book, again.
I don't like admitting I have "buttons".  It makes me feel small and pathetic, somehow. 

I'd love to think I'm always calm, strong, and firm in my thoughts, only slipping under massive assault by my illness, or horrendous circumstances.  The truth is a lot different; I have "buttons", that, when pushed, can render quite a bit of chaos with very little effort. 

Ron has them too, but about the only one I can discover offhand - is when I tell him I am sick or hurt.  That gets him very upset at God, and himself, and yearning to make me better. 

One of my buttons, in fact, is very similar - if I feel Ron's being attacked.  Oh, I inflame pretty quickly.  [note - the bluejay I rescued is cawing in my front yard, he does sound like a couple of rusty hinges]

Another one, much to my embarrassment, is the "deli" issue.  Whenever that buttons' pushed, I react pretty quickly.  I'm not sure what, exactly, does it. 

The fact that we consisten…

When are you going to open the deli?

Ron and I were forced to manage a deli, in addition to the vending machines, when we took the location.  It had consistently lost money for the other two vendors, and the other vendor actually got a lawyer to avoid taking it. 

Sure enough, it lost money for us, too.  A lot of factors combined to make it unprofitable; basically the break/lunch structure.  When you have a lot of people, on lunch at the same time, have to walk 5 minutes each way, only 30 minutes for lunch... and let's remember they can only take a lunch or break when told. 

Not only that, the dead periods in between these breaks and lunches just destroyed any chance of profit.  We ran register tapes, and at one point it made about $3-$5 an hour, for about 5 hours a night. 

Take that, factor in payroll and you are losing money.  Add employment and sales tax, and it's a hemmorhage. 

The State of Texas got tired of taking care of the equipment, and never seeing a profit.  They shut it down 8 years ago, and took …

Keep me useful.

I thought you might find it interesting:

Woke up. Did my God Time, and watched a little TV. Ate and took my pills. Developed a pretty vicious headache.

Ron and I had planned to take the paratransit to Walmart, and then Starbucks. That didn't work out.

He ate a bad hot dog, and spent most of today in the bathroom. He was pretty moody as a result.

I had already bagged up about a dozen items. I had to get to the bank to make a deposit so I walked to the bus stop. "One" refers to a New Testament in a bag with candy.

First bus: gave one to driver, 2 to fellow passengers. Also handed out some kiddie booklets to a lady I knew, on the bus.

Bank: Gave one to teller.

Grocery store: Gave one to cashier.

Bus: offered one to bus driver, said no. Gave Spanish to a young mother of 2 kids. The kids loved the candy and thanked me repeatedly.  Offered one to another passenger as I got off, she said "You already gave me one".

Gave a New Testament (only) to a homeless man…

End Times, baby.

I was on my local news site, reading articles. 

Talk about depressing.  Teenage mothers murdering their newborn offspring; teenage girls shacking up with adult men for years, and no one seemed to notice - until she scalded him and put him in the hospital.  Teachers beating students; thug boy attire banned from a mall... and everyone crying racist. 

Ron and I figured out years ago, it isn't the race people despise, it's the ignorance.  I have a black neighbor across the street (and a black husband, for that matter); and a latino neighbor next door.  They're both fine neighbors.  I like them. 

But even if you could download an internet's worth of knowledge into every resisting brain; people would still suck.

It's out nature.  We sin. 

We're haughty, self-rightous, proud, stubborn, and defiant.  It amazes me, what I had to endure, before I turned myself over to God. 

I know I needed to experience every single moment, before I'd become willing to let God u…

Video Blog


And Humble, too!

I find it fascinating; consistent hits from "restricted nations" like China, Pakistan, Columbia, Iran... wow.  I like to check my blog statistics.  I can see how people found me, and where they're from.

 I don't care so much about the operating systems and all.  However, when Blogger offered me the opportunity to create a mobile template, it helped.  8% of my weeks' readers are using an Android or an Iphone, so I'd like to make it easier for them to read.  I said Yes to mobile template. 

I find the big, creepy barcode thing rather alarming, though.  The square digitized thing?  Although it might be fun to create a page, and put the code on our vending machines.  If they scanned it and loaded the page, it would give them a code to punch to get a little discount or something.  I could probably do that with my Rowe snack machine, or the coffee machine.  [shrug]  But I don't think Ron would bite, so I won't. 

I find it funny to know that 9 people found …

Big Blue

Ron and I eventually resolved our issues and went off to the wholesale club to purchase supplies.  It was pouring, so we went home and stayed. 

I was battling depression - just crap in my head, not in response to anything.  I laid down for a while, had nightmares, got up.  Bubba cat brought me a live bluejay. 

Poor little thing was completely freaked out, in the sink.  I sent up a quick prayer, and picked up the bird.  I end up doing this on a regular basis. 

Poor little baby was trembling, soaked, with a racing heart.  I put it out back and watched it, as Bubba howled angrily, locked in the bathroom.  It's a fledge - an adolescent, partially flightless bird.  He has a full coat of feathers, obviously a bluejay. 

Anyway, I'm keeping Bubba locked up until Big Blue out back figures out the mystery of flight.  Ron didn't really care, because "Blue jays sound ugly anyway". 

But the poor little trusting thing, all quivery in my hands... I couldn't just let hi…

Why I'm nuts

Spiritual Warfare.  I "haz" it. 

We're back to the old tricks with Ron - verbal abuse, name calling, shame tactics, and domination.  I'm going to re-read boundaries and figure out how God wants me to handle that.  I also plan to ask Ron if he wants a wife who's with him out of duty, or because she wants to be with him. 

I will also remind him I am legally and morally entitled to separation.  Sometimes I think he wants me to leave him so he can "quit" life and just lie in a bed all day drinking with no responsibilities. 

I also need to learn, no matter what button he pushes, to stop reacting.  That makes it fun. 

I know this all doubles back on the evangelism - when I do a lot for God I get attacked, either my health or mental/verbal abuse. 

Now Ron's telling me he loves me.  And people wonder why I'm nuts???

Video Blog

Included, footage of me taking my pills.


I have a "Days of the week" pill organizer.  Once a week, I fill it. 

Saturday night, I took my new bottle of lithium out of my pill box.  "I wonder if I'll notice a difference?" I mused aloud to Ron. 

He told me he hoped I didn't have the 450 experience - I tried some horrible 450 mg lithium tablets years ago.  Not only were they ineffective, they made me horribly queasy.  I debated the wisdom of just taking the new stuff, but figured, untimately, 300 mg is 300 mg. 

Boy, was I off. 

The new lithium is much more effective; and stronger.  A lot stronger. 

I'm wondering if the old guys were shorting me doses - only giving me 200 mg instead of 300.  In the meantime, I'm pretty goofy. 

Not a bad day, but I took 2 naps.

I have an illness.

I was exhausted this morning, and went back to bed after a trip to the grocery store.  Even the cat slept with me, very unusual. 

I was pretty groggy from the medication, didn't do much at all; but reminded myself I have an illness. 

I did call my Dad, and sister.  They enjoyed the calls. 

Dad really enjoyed the quote from the message board: "Heather, your light shines brightly, even if the shade's a little askew".  I haven't heard him laugh that hard in a long time. 

I'm glad I made him smile.

Best of all

I really wonder sometimes if my desire for handout Bibles qualifies as "coveting".  People tell me, no, it doesn't; but I yearn so deeply for awesome material for handouts.... I wonder. 

I have had a secret little list in my head: English New Testaments.  Spanish New Testaments.  Kiddie outreach material.  And some Giant Print - there's a guy I see every handout who begs for large print (not to mention a lot of visually impaired clients on the paratransit).  SIGH.  That's my list. 

I thought it was completely awesome when I got the Spanish.  I was over the moon when I got the English.  When an internet buddy asked for a link; I sent him to Biblica with a very general request for kiddie material.  Today he contacted me, he's sending me 200 kiddie outreach booklets!  WHOO HOO! 

Then a Facebook friend liked the status update (screeching about the English New Testaments) and said "There's something you need, what is it?"  and I sent her a link to…


Last night and today, I had the song "Avalanche" running through my head.  Manafest, Avalanche

I've had a secret fantasy for a long time; Bibles showing up on the doorstep, ready for distribution.  It's been my little dream, and it's coming true. 

I'm so happy I could cry.  Mom talks a lot about my "faithfulness" - "Heather, you're so faithful".  I aim to be obedient and able, whatever God wants. 

Wow... I have an avalanche of Bibles... someone else is asking me what I'd like to hand out.  How do I feel?  Incredibly blessed, grateful, and very responsible for the recipients.  Some big time thank you prayers. 

I'd like to share what I'm telling God right now.  If you have a God allergy this is where you go away, I guess. 

Thank you so much for all the awesome people and the Bibles they are giving me to distribute.  I don't mind saying, I'm scared by the responsibility, but I'll just go where You send me …

Thank you, someone!


Wrapping things up

Heidi, I am working on a "wrapping things up" USB drive.  If anything happened to me, it has my last wishes and passwords, etc.  I need to update it, I changed some passwords, and then I'll give it to my aunt.  I'll put a line in there with your email; and also my blogger password so she could put something up. 

Another headache today, I think it is the sugarfree icecream.  UGH.  It is also really, really, hot.

Video Blog

You've been warned, some overmodulated, outrageous, flirting ("Why don't you take your pants off?") at 3:32.

Peanut butter and lithium

I hate it when I write a whiny, self-pitying post. 

Bad first: Migraine.  Had to work.  Major nausea from medication.  Battling depression. 

Counting my blessings: Ron was awesome hero man - he offered to bring me an ice bag when I laid down.  I just told Ron that; he liked it.  When I have something nice to say, I say it. 

I really do try to live a "no-regrets life". 

Anyway, I got up this morning; depression bad enough that I am adjusting how I do my God time.  Normally I do Bible study 2x a day.  Still doing that.  In the morning, normally, I pray, and do the Bible study.  Not right now.  I save the prayer part for the evening Bible study God Time.  Plenty of times I don't comprehend much at all, but I will take away something like "forgive those who trespass against you"

Kind of lacking focus, today, too.  I'm feeling pretty vague.  I apologize in advance. 

So, I got up, did the AM Bible study.  Went to the wholesale warehouse, rode with "Barb…

Alarmingly direct

Sometimes, God can be alarmingly direct, and I can find it a little scary. 

This morning I woke up pretty depressed, but I had to get up or face a migraine.  My body works like that; if I don't get up, I hurt, worse than depression.  My aunt says she is the same way - if she sleeps too late she gets a migraine. 

So, I got up, wondering what God had planned for me today.  I went ahead and got the master copy sheets for the tracts.  I got some soda, bus pass you name it.  I did my God Time. 

I missed the bus, but since I had the time I checked the mail and took Ron a lot of books.  He was thrilled. 

I went to Foodtown, got a six-pack of diet Dr Pepper, 2 quarts of Powerade Zero, and called my aunt.  Roasted like a turnip waiting on the bus.  Finally caught it.  Got my copies made, and tried to get to the bus stop.

HOWEVER, traffic control had "fixed" the light.  They'd fixed it alright; the pedestrian crosswalk wasn't working.  No way, ever, am  I going to cro…

Where to look, translated, into Spanish

God love wonderful people on message boards. 

Donde puede buscar en el Nuevo Testamento

Donde puede buscar en el Nuevo Testamento

¿Alguien te ha herido? ¿Usted tiene preguntas acerca de Dios? El nos ha dejado todas las respuestas en su palabra (la Biblia).

Usted va ha encontrar primero el nombre del libro, seguido por el numero del capítulo y el verso.

Donde buscar cuando usted está:

Enojado: 1Corintios 13:5, Efesios 4:26, Santiago 1:19-20, Hebreos 10:30

Anxioso/preocupado: Mateo 6:19-34, 11:28-30, Romanos 8:15, 12:12, Filipenses 4:6-8

Amargado: , Efesios 4:31, Hebreos 10:30

Adolorido: Mateo 11:28-30, Hebreos 12:11, 1 Pedro 4:12-13, Apocalipsis 21:4

Queriendo juzgar a alguien: Mateo 7:1-5, Romanos 8:1 y 14:10, 1 Corintios 13,

Santiago 4:12

Solo y triste: Mateo 5:4, Juan 14:18, Romanos 8:28

Bajo persecución (atacado por el diablo por amar a Jesus): Mateo 10:16-25, 28, Romanos 8:28, 1 Pedro 4:12-14, 2 Timoteo 3:11-12

Asustado: Mateo 10:28-31, Juan 14:27, Romanos 8:15, 2 Tesalonicenses…

Is a cat

Yesterday, Ron and I went to the grocery store.  I found my "special" $1 a pound ground beef and got 6 pounds.  God is very good to me.  I also got a couple pounds of chicken drumsticks. 

Yesterday, I cooked up the ground beef, froze it, and made Ron some French Onion soup (with my homegrown onions).  He loved it, by the way.  He also loved the ground beef in tomato sauce. 

I'm trying to make sure I'm putting quality foods into my body, and I was manic enough to have a good cook-day.  Yay. 

Slept pretty well, but I can tell I'm cycling depressed now.  I had a horrible time getting up, felt pretty hopeless.  AGH. 

As I got up, I had quite a sight in the kitchen... a big puddle of cat puke, with a huge skid mark through it.  Ron confirmed he'd slipped in the middle of the night, but hadn't fallen.  Then I had all the fun of cleaning it up! 

The good news, enough cat hair in the mess to indicate he will not have another hairball anytime soon.  I'm g…

Where did this guy come from?

If you watched my video blog, you heard how, when our Metrolift arrived, some strange man was in my driveway, talking to the driver, blocking me from getting on the vehicle.  He saw me approach and "got an attitude" when I said "Excuse me".  As I got on, I informed him of the phone number for questions regarding Metrolift, and he acted very offended. 

You're on my property.  It's like he drove up in my driveway and parked behind my vehicle as I tried to get out, then started talking to someone and got an attitude when I told him to please get out of my driveway. 

It was all about "My mother wants to ride this" = translated "I am tired of driving Mom around".  That's nice... come on my property, and get in my way, and get an attitude with me on MY property, because "My mother wants this". 

The driver tried to tell him, it is a service for the severely disabled, that finally sunk in.  In the meantime, I was asking him, not…

Video blog


Extremely Low Income

People seem to think we have a lot of money.  We don't! 

According to a Houston poverty level chart, we are, in fact, "Very Low Income".   About half our income goes to "housing" - mortgage and insurance.  That's not counting utilities.  Our big "fun" is the satellite TV. 

Sigh.  I don't mind being "poor", as most average people would see it.  I understand, safe housing, potable running water, climate control, reliable public transit, personal safety, and internet access equates to "Royal Living" in most of the world.  I don't take my standard of living, for granted.  I've seen what it's like across the border. 

Ugh.  The stench of rotting human waste; wild and starving dogs; having to buy water off a truck everyday because they don't have a tap; trash everywhere; rickety shacks housing a whole family in maybe 100 square feet; bugs, rodents... I thanked God everytime I crossed the border back to America.�…

Go and sin no more

I don't like to kill anything, even bugs.  I dreaded the thought of killing the mouse; but I would if I'd had to. 

I wished, privately, I could just "get rid of" it without killing it.  It got hauled in the cat door against it's will.  I'm sure it will never come back...

Nothing in the traps today.  Went to work.  Did it all, came home. 

Used the bathroom, then got ready to clean the bathroom.  It seems to me a visitor always wants to use the bathroom. 

I keep the cleaning supplies in a round, 5-gallon bucket.  I have a lid for it.  I stuck my hand, into the bucket, several times as I removed various items.  Then I pulled the bucket out from beside the toilet and looked inside as I reached in, yet again. 

A tail was squirming down between two bottles of cleanser.  A long, THIN, tail -not a reptile! 

OH NO!  The mouse was in my bucket of cleaning supplies!  I quickly slapped the lid on the bucket and took it outside.  I left it for a few minutes, then pr…

An Awful Mess.

Ron and I had a good time watching a couple of shows together.  He liked the chinese food TV dinner.  I suggested he "try" one when we went to Walmart, it's a lot cheaper than delivery. 

I have baited a humane mousetrap and placed it under my bed, where I heard all the action last night.  [shudder]  For some reason, the concept of a live mouse in a trap under my bed is a lot easier to bear than a dead mouse in a trap under my bed.  I could even make a video blog. 

Let's see if it likes crunchy peanut butter.  That's a teaspoon I'll never get back.  I also baited the old "snap of death" trap and will use that if needed.  I'd rather not. 

I don't think the mouse will allow itself to be caught again by the cat.  Ugh. 

I got a half hour nap, then we did some accounting stuff today.  Feeling pretty good, but I need to eat and take my pills soon.  I also need to get some laundry moving.  Quite the excitement this morning, "Red Tide".…

How did you sleep?

If you pray, please ask God to give me some good sleep for a while.  I can you I slept badly, but you have to be there. 

The neighbors had the music again.  I could only barely hear the bass notes, like I do.  I think they used to work nights, got laid off, and stay up at night now listening to music.  That can't last forever.  I never hear it during the day. 

Anyway, and then I tell you I finally did fall asleep.  Great.  And then Ron woke me up shouting for me at 12:30 AM.  Why?  He wanted to order Chinese food.  Some quick prayer on my part; I don't want to be a shrieky hater.  I told him, Ron, it is the middle of the night.  I had to repeat it a couple of different ways before he got it. 

Then, I'm sure he THOUGHT he was being quiet as he staggered over to the kitchen and heated up some leftovers.  He thought.  [laughing]

Oh, yeah, and my cycle started last night.  I wasn't hurting, so I didn't take anything. 

I had taken a whole day's worth of lithium …

I have a problem with Pride

Pride.  I have it.  Too much, in fact. 

I'm not quite sure where the line is drawn, somewhere between self-sufficiency, independence, and arrogance.  I think it is safer to say "I have a pride issue" than to say "I am humble". 

I try to dig out and remove unwanted character traits, like pride. 

Anyway, let me tell you about my day and how a couple things got to working on the old pride.  Didn't sleep great, but OK.  God gave me a good quality of sleep. 

I forgot that pinto beans seem to trigger a migraine.  AGH.  Woke up in vicious pain.  Then, I couldn't remember if I HAD taken the Excedrin.  I knew a double dose would be bad news, so I waited and it got better. 

Safe to assume I had.  We had to work, and had to mail the insurance.  I hope we never need to use it. 

I'm pretty groggy right now; post-ictal I think they call it, for a migraine.  The post period can be as bad as a migraine. 

Anyway, we went to work.  I stocked snacks, when ran a…

I will make it.

I am NOT going to beat myself up over the housekeeping things I hoped to do when manic; the things that can't get done because my brain is frying away on an anxiety griddle. 

I'm NOT going to have a pity party. 

I will NOT be resentful of "normal" people. 

I will not compare myself to the normals. 

I will not wonder, for the ten millionth time, why people with mental illness choose to have children. 

I will thank God I don't have kids, depending on me. 

I will thank God for the plump housecat. 

I will thank God I finally got the mousetrap set without snapping my finger. 

I will thank God for my life and the good things in it. 

I will have a cheddarburger, some field peas, and some corn tortillas with cheese for dinner. 

I will take my pills, with dinner. 

I will enjoy reading a good book after dinner. 

I will enjoy my God Time after dinner, maybe before the book. 

I will take some time to watch the birds today. 

I will make it.
I've had some pretty nasty problems with anxiety, the last little bit.  The last few nights in particular, were very bad.  Lying in bed, my heart pounding out of my chest, not for the weak. 

I reminded myself that I had fallen asleep at least 12,000 times in my life (more accurately, over 13,000).  I could certainly fall asleep one more night.  And I did, eventually.  It was a pretty ugly hour, though... or longer. 

I'm not saying this to whine; that's pointless.  Am I taking my medication?  You bet.  As directed?  You bet.  I'm being careful about my caffeine intake, too.  It's just another symptom. 

If I got food poisoning, I'd vomit, and I wouldn't hate myself.  If I got the flu, I wouldn't get angry because I had a fever, or try to "lecture" myself out of coughing!  So, I treat the anxiety as "Just another symptom", which includes being kind to myself, taking my medication as directed, and remembering, yet again - if I don'…

I never get tired of hearing it.

I had a good talk with Ron; he told me again and again he loves me. 

I'm glad.  Tomorrow shouldn't be too busy, more of an accounting day than a stock day. 

Praying I get a solid 8 hours, but like I always ask God in the middle of the night, "Give me a good quality of sleep, if I can't get the quantity". 

That's it for now.


I'm feeling better.  Ron is in some kind of black mood.  He's in his room, I won't bother him. 

Ron read the Mars and Venus book, and loved the concept of the man cave.  [shrug]  He's got it. 

I wish I could help him.  Sometimes I wonder if the whole "homeowner" thing is too much for us.  Would it be easier if we had a 2 bedroom all bills paid apartment somewhere?  I doubt it would be quieter, and I know Bubba would object, but I know it would be cheaper. 

Speaking of, Mr Bubba Cat got up on the bed as I laid there like a broiled shrimp.  My head still aches, but not as badly.  I was able to feed the birds, for instance, and take out the trash, but not up for bending over and picking up the front room.    Anyway, he got up on me and laid down on my legs, purring away.  I petted him, then he cleaned himself.  We had a good time. 

I hope I can get a good night's sleep tonight.  I have been very careful about caffeine consumption.  I looked, but Walmart …

I feel dreadful.

I think the music is coming from Ron's room, actually. 

I went with him to the liquor store, "made" him get his own booze, sent him home.  Went to Walmart.  Headache got progressively worse. 

Ron called yelling at me; I figured out what had him upset.  I hung up when the shouting started, and turned off my phone.  About 10 minutes later I called him "Are you going to yell at me?  No?  I understand you are worried about ____.  I will help you _____.  " then I hung up. 

One way or the other, he was pretty impaired.  I kept getting worse and called him; told him I would be coming home on the bus.  He said, take a cab, I will pay. 

Alright.  The cab came quickly.  A lovely Nigerian man.  I love Nigerians.  They are so friendly, intelligent, and professional.  Every single one.  Came home, made sure he got a good tip. 

He said the lady before my trip was very rude and shouted at him.  I was glad I made him smile. 

I staggered home, and into bed.  I used the wo…

What a strange night.


The dishes can wait

I had a lovely afternoon.  I spent a lot of time looking out the bedroom window, watching the birds eating, a thunderstorm, and the birds again.  I saw a fledgling sparrow peeping at Mommy, who painstakingly picked up a millet seed in her beak, and placed it in his open mouth, then ate a seed for herself.  She taught him how to eat birdseed, and as I watched the little guy slowly became more proficient at feeding himself. 

It was a beautiful and tender moment.  I would have missed it, if I'd been tuned out, with my headphones or sitting in front of my television.  The little guy kept looking at me with a beady little eye, as if to say "Thanks, Heather". 

Well worth the price of birdseed.  It is so easy to get overwhelmed in things I can't control.  I won't make a list; everyone has them.  Home repairs, possible neighbor issues, you name it.  I could always have hysterics over finances and poor sales.  My illness, Ron's health, my family... it's a lot. 

I could really torture you....

During my God Time, I've been asking Him for rain.  Just "enough" to help with the drought, not so much we flood. 

Yesterday afternoon, we got about 1/8 of an inch.  Ron told me it was supposed to rain today. 

My knee is still a bit tender, so I stayed home anyway.  I was pretty tired, too (more on that in a bit).  Sure enough, about 3:30 the sky got dark, the wind picked up, and it started to rain.  Lovely.  It rained for about 40 minutes. 

I can hear the sparrows chirping joyfully out in the bushes.  I'm sure they're going to feast on delicious little bugs. 

It was a lovely show, watching the rain.  I'm glad I could. 

Ron went out, and actually stood in the rain for a moment.  He came back in.  "Ow, that really hurt".  What?  "The raindrops beating on my back, it was horrible."  Neuropathy.  A few days ago, he told me he hated bathtime, because the motion of the water in the tub made him ache. 

I can't imagine.  How awful.  How…

Nice little soak

Still a little manic.  Probably got another week on that. 

Woke up early, I was having a dream about Ron and heard him laughing.  He was laughing in his sleep.  I turned on the dryer (I don't run it when it's hot) and went back to sleep. 

Woke up again, noisy sparrows.  I have a little flock.  We have had very little rain this year, so the birds really need the food and water.  I even grew some millet in the garden so they could eat it off the plant.   They are. 

Got up, Didn't have a long day because I have to go to bed early (7-ish).  I went out and watered the garden, in the hot, hot, sun.  Pulled up the dead cornstalks and put them in the compost, fed the birds, and came in.  Internet time, had fun. 

I looked for interesting books by typing in words like "pandemic" "earthquake" and such.  I love a good disaster book.  I sent myself a few samples, and wish-listed some others that had excellent reviews. 

I'm very cheap with my reading, and ki…

The Little Puppy.

Every Saturday night, I call (adoptive) Mom and Dad.  They love the ritual.  They can expect my call on Saturday night, between 4-7 their time. 

If I miss it, they worry.  So I only miss it if I have a migraine, or so viciously depressed I can't fake it.  They would probably be upset over the latter. 

Anyway, I was describing various developmental disorders to Mom, and said "Fetal Alcohol is the friendly little puppy, jumping on you and yapping away, wants to be your best buddy.  [another problem] is the angry cat hiding under the bed and hissing."  

She loved it.  "The little puppy!  Oh, Heather, that's you!" 

[laugh]  I'm choosing to be flattered.

The Best employee

I slept horribly last night.  Not only that, I had a horrific nightmare about my sister.  It woke me up, I prayed  for her and everyone for a while. 

My adoptive Mom used to have trouble sleeping (at least when I lived with her! [laugh]), and she used to say "When I wake up, I just pray for everyone until I go back to sleep".  I've always seen that as good advice. 

It's odd, most bipolar have a lot of trouble sleeping; and usually I don't.  I'm not sure if that goes to caffeine intake or what.  [shrug]

I got up and went to the local grocery store.  While buying soda for work, I found an EXCELLENT deal on individually wrapped animal crackers.  I bought a few packages, and Ron and I put them out for 40 cents each.  We don't offer any other "bag" type cookie for 40 cents, but I do have some imported cookies from Mexico that are always popular.  I took them, and a whole lot of soda, to work. 

The customers were delighted to see the cookies, and s…

Off Day

It's so hot and sunny, I'm hiding in the house right now.  Praise God for air conditioning.  Ron and I like it warmer, about 80 degrees.  It got up to 98 yesterday, beating a record. 

In the meantime, I'm hiding out.  Someone calling themselves toenail fungus left a message; it was spam.  I get tired of the spam.  It's odd to consider someone named Toenail Fungus... anyway. 

Ron couldn't believe it when I told him some people have no moderation on their blogs; letting anyone put anything up under their names.  Yike. 

I've downloaded a few more books.  One is a public domain book on disaster preparation.  Another, a biography of a "Son of Hamas" who converted to Christianity after someone gave him a New Testament.  That's why I do it, folks. 

I am perfectly happy, going through life, never meeting my recipients, never knowing if anyone's ever gotten saved.  My Dad calls me "The Sower".  I sow, and move on.  God uses other people t…

Even a regular day

I ran out of time; but I just thought the mockingbird eating the tomato sauce was another "Seagull" for a minute. 

It got even stranger when the baby mockingbird kept bugging Mommy for a snack, she flew off, and he finished the rest of the sauce. 

Even a regular day in my life can be very, very, strange. 

Ants in my brain

I felt like I had ants in my brain; it's a frustrating mania.  I felt very energized, but not very well directed.  I have dug up huge garden beds in the yard, finished craft projects, taught myself entirely new operating systems, built web pages, and even wrote a book during manias.  Two books, actually. 

When it's a directionless mania; it's hard.  I am irritable, jumpy, and impatient; and I don't have any where to point it; it's like a huge firehose set on a very broad setting; I hit everything and nothing at the same time. 

I missed a bus, and it turns out that was a very good thing.  I went to the grocery store, not my favorite.  I am very frustrated with them. They literally doubled the price on their bottled Diet Dr Pepper.  That's insane.  I got some honeybuns for the Christian bookstore, and a couple of 2 liter bottles. 

I wasn't much of a treat; checking out.  Ugh.  I was so frustrated with the store I threw the "savings card" out as I…

Pimping the Word

It's not true, but I'd love to believe it: "Manias are good, depressions are bad".  I don't know about others, but not MY manias. 

Ugh.  I have been horribly restless, jumpy, irritable.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  I'm getting belligerent on "my" message boards. 

Ugh.  I just want to knock myself out until the mania passes and I can "enjoy" my next depression. 

I think it's very important to state an ongoing request: I am constantly asking God to "Keep me useful".  I don't want to become some arrogant, useless, thing.  I want to be usable, useful, humble, obedient, and loving. 

Humble.  Humility is one of those tricky traits.  If I think I am, I probably am not.  How do I know if I'm humble?  I don't.  I know I need to watch my pride, God reminds me of that.  I try to be vigilant, and remember that He directs everything. 

Well, when my brain is running off like a runaway car, and I'm either "sp…