Thursday, June 30, 2011

Bad Heather!

A pretty good depression indicator.  I'm hungry.  I want to eat some peanut butter.  But all the spoons are dirty in the sink and the thought of cleaning them is just exhausting. 

I am pretty proud of myself; I did a very good job of taking care of myself today.  Got up, too tired to do any God time (sorry Lord), and went to Walmart.  I couldn't find a good cart for Ron, so I left him on a bench. 

I desperately needed workboots.  My old ones (almost a year old) feel like cinderblocks, lined with razorblades).  I didn't have any good regular shoes, either.  I've just been wearing the painful workboots everywhere.  Bad Heather! 

Ron was touching my foot the other day and commented on my calluses.  Said I need new shoes, and he'd pay for them (we'll see). 

So, I went to Walmart and I started trying on shoes.  I found a good pair of Brahma workboots - they have a steel toe, slip resistant, and look just like the "approved footwear" image on the poster at work (I want to adhere to the safety regulations).  I have seen enough people without feet, on the paratransit. 

The boots felt good, I like the lacing style, and they were only $20.  I spent $12 on my last pair and they lasted a year, so money well spent.  I also indulged myself, and bought the $6 blue gel insoles I love.  Those boots feel great now. 

Someone, trying on shoes, had left a pair of the velcro sneakers.  I like those, they're a good "Day Out" shoe, and good for a Bible handout.  They come in a wide, and are about $12.  I got them, too.  I have a hard time taking care of myself.  I feel like I don't deserve it, and if I do, someone else will do it.  AGH. 

Obviously I have issues.  Considering my life, I'm happy I'm a law-abiding citizen with a deep faith.  That's what's important. 

I got soda.  You know I did.  Walmart has very competitive pricing on the soda now.  I got some sport drinks, and clear sparkling water for the handout.  I got instant sugarfree drink mix.  I got cat treats and made my deposit so my missionary can eat this month. 

I got a sleeve type case for my Kindle - an off brand and $15.  It is very snug, cute, and protective.  Yesterday, I had my good glasses repaired. 

Of course, I know have about $40 in my "this week's budget" as a result.   I didn't buy any food, our pickup was uncertain. 

Well, I bought Ron his beloved "ranch chicken" from the deli.  He loves the stuff.  We also got about 1/3 pound for the driver. 

It's easy for the drivers to find us.  Walmart has 2 doors.  In our pickup notes, it tells them which door.  If they don't look at the notes they can just drive from one door to the other. 

Speaking of, I saw an alarming sight as we exited the building.  A paratransit van, driving in circles, far away from both doors.  I wondered if it was ours. 

See, when the driver can't find the passenger he's supposed to look in the notes.  Oh, Ron and Heather are at the other door.  Say he drives over and still doesn't see us (although we were right there).  He calls dispatch and they do a "call-out", calling Ron's cell phone and telling him to get moving. 

Then they wait 5 minutes.  No passenger, they "put a 5 on it" and leave.  Well, he left, without doing any of this. 

I felt rather bitter, but told Ron "I'm glad we AREN'T riding with that person, if they are so incompotent".  Ron wanted to wait outside.  In the heat.  And the sun.  Just for fun, go look up Houston weather sometime.  It was AWFUL. 

I thanked God I hadn't bought the cottage cheese.  We roasted.  Ron complained aloud to God "Could you send a cloud?  Huh?" 

I really hate waiting on a ride like this, and they had promised to send another one, sometime... I see people walking into the store.  I see them walking out of the store, later, with their stuff.  They get into the car and drive off and I'm crippled and I can't.  Hard to stay positive.  Easy to get bitter and angry.  Now imagine waiting for an hour or two.  Just to get home.  Because dumbo didn't come to our door.  I asked God to put His thoughts into my head, and tried to stay positive. 

I saw an older man walking into the store.  He was wearing an "I love Jesus!" hat.  I told him, I love your hat.  Then I said "I love Him too!"  He laughed. 

All of a sudden, a woman drove up in a compact car.  "Do you have a ride?"  We told her, not really.  "I'd be happy to drive you home!"  We accepted graciously. 

I noticed she had disabled plates on her car.  Thank you, God.  We had a delightful ride home, and I took my nap. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Time for Bed

I had a horrible time getting over here tonight; sneak attack depression. 

I didn't sleep well.  Barky, the dog behind us, was really upset and barking a lot.  I think the little gray dog got out again.   AGH.  So, there I am, yet again, lying in bed and begging God for a good quality of sleep. 

I was pretty groggy, just did the Bible study this morning (an indicator - I only just now got around to the rest).  Ron and I took the wheelchair, which translated to me riding in the wheelchair (it is very bouncy in the back of a converted wheelchair taxicab - painful for Ron), while Ron sat in the middle row of seats, squeezed between two large, "slow" men. 

The driver tried to tell me to sit up there, but I told her "I'm not getting pressed up against some strange man if I can help it".  She tried to tell me the next guy was "a kid" - when we picked him up he was over 6 feet tall and well over 200 pounds.  The seating is designed for people about 18 inches wide.  I left Ron up there next to "Junior". 

The driver didn't secure the wheelchair, so it was sliding around some as she drove like a maniac, complaining bitterly about her job.  She was upset she has to get out of the vehicle. 

Boy, I could have said a lot about how I'm outside in the weather for hours at a time, but I didn't.  She kept trying to pump us for information on "one of those post office jobs".  We told her, it's temp jobs, working nights, heavy lifting, no union or benefits.  She snorted dismissively, clearly thinking I was holding out. 

I was frightened, riding with her.  Thank God I got out OK. 

I don't think she'll be around for long; she strikes me as the entitled type.  Hey, it's a job. 

I have scrubbed toilets and been happy for the work.  We have it so easy in America, compared to other nations.  But try to tell us that!  [snort]

We went to work, and I did everything required.  We left and connected with Chuck.  I put the wheelchair in the back of the pickup.  We went to the bank, and I got paid.  We went to the mall, and I got the chair out for Ron. 

I pushed him into the mall and we went looking for jewelers.  Ron finally decided he wanted a new watchband, and will get it at Walmart tomorrow.  I got a thing for my cell phone, and haggled her down a few dollars.   I forgot, I really enjoyed haggling for merchandise at the mercados in Tijuana.  

Then we checked out a restaurant.  Ron had heard good things, and when we'd gone by in Metrolift it smelled delicious.  I wanted to like it. 

However, as we walked in I saw a steam table arrangement that wasn't compatible with the health department.  They had an open kitchen setup, and as I looked back I saw a cook, with her hair down to her shoulders, hanging loose. 

When a food service worker has long hair, they have to tie it back with a rubber band, and wear a hat or hairnet.  You can't have long hair hanging loose.  It gets into the food. 

I informed Ron, then checked out the bathroom.  The soap dispenser was dry; and it looked as if it had never been filled.  No soap at all to be found in the bathroom.  That is disgusting. 

I went out and told Ron "No soap" as I walked out.  We ate lunch at a safe place, then I had to find the eyeglass repair shop. 

Years ago, I got a new pair of glasses.  I saved the old pair.  The new pair broke; and I started wearing the old ones.  Now the old ones were falling apart. 

So, I took the "new" pair to the eyeglass place.  He fixed them and did a great job.  I'm wearing them now.  Wasn't cheap, but the man has to eat.   Ron and I agreed it was a lot cheaper than new glasses! 

I don't have any troubles indicating I need a new pair, I just need a good pair! 

We had planned to get soda, but Ron changed his mind.  We came home.

While driving, Chuck told me he's going to take me to the handout on Monday.  Good, it would be really tough to lug 2 cases of Bibles on the bus!  And, like I told Ron, coming home is no problem.  Everything will be gone. 

I took a nap, got up.  Had some wierd nightmares. 

This depression is sneakier, it is persistent.  I finally got around to doing this and now it's time for bed. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Not a Ballerina!

OK, gang, getting ready to go to bed. 

Properly medicated, I can feel the lithium working... doing the Igor thing and dragging my foot.  Balance is fun, too. 

I'm glad I'm not a ballerina!  I'd be unemployed! 

I bagged up a TON of stuff for tomorrow, plenty of Driver Candy, Spanish (I still have plenty of Pulparindo), and some kiddie booklets.  You never know. 

I ask God to keep me useful.  I really worry I will get vain, prideful, arrogant... stupid, and render myself useless.  Please, Lord, DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN! 

Ooh.  Typing is fun, now.  Good.  I want to keep my illness coralled in the lithium pen.  It can run around in the pen, bray, roar, whatever, but it can't jump the fence! 

Thank you, JESUS, for my medication.  Happily I've had very little depression today, too. 

Video Blog!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Basically, alone

While watching TV, I got to thinking about how I interact with others. 

While very transparent online, in my daily living I hold myself back.  I seldom allow myself to get close to others, even family. 

Part of it, I'm sure, goes to "nurture".  I was massively neglected as an infant and toddler.  That's one of the few things "everyone" agrees on regarding my early childhood.   She wasn't violent, but she scared me sometimex, drunk and manic. 

The fallout of my mother's illness, really confirmed my decision to stay childless.  I would rather boil myself in oil, than permit a child of mine to endure what I had. 

Now, I have to say, no one knew she had bipolar disorder.  She had no medication, and coped as best she could. 

Part of it, of course has to go to the disabilities.  While we are very social, Fetal Alcohol children don't know the rules.  We're the ones you dread, when you see us coming, and wish you could, somehow, escape the pending interaction.

My Dad thinks I have Attachment Disorder.  I'm inclined to agree.   

And part of it goes to decisions I made.  I learned pretty quick that female friends, and Ron, didn't agree.  Let's just say they both hurt me.  One woman wanted to take a friendship to "the next level" - sexual.  I was pretty abrupt in my refusal. 

I don't feel comfortable forming bonds with other men; for many reasons.  Ron about had kittens when I looked up my childhood friend, a man, and always had fits when we had lunch.  I do have to add that I am more likely to trust a man, based on my childhood.   If I became single, and things remained the same, in a year or two I would give one guy my phone number. 

I also look at the way things are now; Ron says "Oh, if you organized the house" blah, blah.  It would be pretty hard to have visitors, with him drinking every day of the year.  Unless they also drank, and I really don't want to turn my home into a bar. 

So, I sit at my desk and stare into the old-time computer screen.  It makes me happy when I get a new follower, a reply on a message board, or a hit from an interesting nation.  I pray for everyone, do my outreach, and live my life, basically, alone. 


""It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."

— Dale Carnegie
""One of the tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today."

— Dale Carnegie
"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."

— Dale Carnegie
"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about." - Dale Carnagie
"Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? How did they work out? Didn't you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn't most of them turn out all right after all?"

— Dale Carnegie
I really need to buy that book, again. 
I don't like admitting I have "buttons".  It makes me feel small and pathetic, somehow. 

I'd love to think I'm always calm, strong, and firm in my thoughts, only slipping under massive assault by my illness, or horrendous circumstances.  The truth is a lot different; I have "buttons", that, when pushed, can render quite a bit of chaos with very little effort. 

Ron has them too, but about the only one I can discover offhand - is when I tell him I am sick or hurt.  That gets him very upset at God, and himself, and yearning to make me better. 

One of my buttons, in fact, is very similar - if I feel Ron's being attacked.  Oh, I inflame pretty quickly.  [note - the bluejay I rescued is cawing in my front yard, he does sound like a couple of rusty hinges]

Another one, much to my embarrassment, is the "deli" issue.  Whenever that buttons' pushed, I react pretty quickly.  I'm not sure what, exactly, does it. 

The fact that we consistently lost over $1,000 a month running the thing?  Poured half our vending profits a month, into keeping it "afloat" - so someone could get a hot dog a couple times a month?  Who wants to PAY a thousand dollars a month to get completely stressed out, and work another 40 hours a week on top of your "real" job? 

Or is it the fact, and I think it is, that people have consistently refused to believe it lost money?  Maybe they don't understand the accounting.  Maybe they think the inventory just appeared in the magic fridge without paying for it; the tax authorities ignored us; the employees worked for free; and we brought in at least a couple hundred a night?  We didn't, but try to tell them that. 

And that was when vending sales were 3 times better, than today. 

They seem to have this idealistic image that the deli is a gold mine, just waiting to be reopened.  I wish I could tell them, it lost money.  You complain about having money problems NOW; a month or two down the line, they would be a lot worse. 

Not to mention, the fact that they'd want to take away the little money Ron does make, Ron - who is blind and in a wheelchair (thanks to a Postal Worker, no less)- well, that gets my other button. 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

When are you going to open the deli?

Ron and I were forced to manage a deli, in addition to the vending machines, when we took the location.  It had consistently lost money for the other two vendors, and the other vendor actually got a lawyer to avoid taking it. 

Sure enough, it lost money for us, too.  A lot of factors combined to make it unprofitable; basically the break/lunch structure.  When you have a lot of people, on lunch at the same time, have to walk 5 minutes each way, only 30 minutes for lunch... and let's remember they can only take a lunch or break when told. 

Not only that, the dead periods in between these breaks and lunches just destroyed any chance of profit.  We ran register tapes, and at one point it made about $3-$5 an hour, for about 5 hours a night. 

Take that, factor in payroll and you are losing money.  Add employment and sales tax, and it's a hemmorhage. 

The State of Texas got tired of taking care of the equipment, and never seeing a profit.  They shut it down 8 years ago, and took away all the equipment.  Thank you, Jesus. 

However, we still have people talking about reopening it. 

If it lost money when sales were 3x better than the present, how would it make a profit now? 

I see, again, and again, at work: Bob decides to make some money.  He's going to rent a catering truck and park it outside during lunchtime.  He does it for a few weeks, and we never see him again.  Mayra decides she's going to sell tamales.  Puts up a sign.  Brings them in and sells them.. but pretty soon she realizes she isn't making money, and stops.  The "hot plate lunch" people, too.  I don't think the last one made it 10 days.  No one wanted to pay $8 a plate for a "delicious chicken breast, two sides, and cake!" 

People persist in believing easy money is there for the taking, if some bold person will step up and take it. 

I should add, at this point, that 2 competing restaurants have opened within a block of work,.  A fried chicken place, and a donut shop.  Our donut sales are toast.  They offer hot food, and quickly. 

We also have a lot of people who buy lunches, bring them in, and resell them. 

Then I remind you that sales are 1/3 what they were, when it was closed for lack of profit. 

I try to warn them.  They don't listen.  They think the same thing Ron did, "Oh, you failed, but I won't." 

Good luck with that. 

Keep me useful.

I thought you might find it interesting:

Woke up. Did my God Time, and watched a little TV. Ate and took my pills. Developed a pretty vicious headache.

Ron and I had planned to take the paratransit to Walmart, and then Starbucks. That didn't work out.

He ate a bad hot dog, and spent most of today in the bathroom. He was pretty moody as a result.

I had already bagged up about a dozen items. I had to get to the bank to make a deposit so I walked to the bus stop. "One" refers to a New Testament in a bag with candy.

First bus: gave one to driver, 2 to fellow passengers. Also handed out some kiddie booklets to a lady I knew, on the bus.

Bank: Gave one to teller.

Grocery store: Gave one to cashier.

Bus: offered one to bus driver, said no. Gave Spanish to a young mother of 2 kids. The kids loved the candy and thanked me repeatedly.  Offered one to another passenger as I got off, she said "You already gave me one".

Gave a New Testament (only) to a homeless man under the overpass as I walked by.

Went to Starbucks. They have been completely evangelized. Took more excedrin and had my steamer. Read a biography of terrorist Muslim who converted to Christianity. Posted some quotes to my Facebook.

Caught the bus - same driver, who didn't want "one". Had another Spanish Lady. Gave her one, she looked at it a while before putting it into her backpack. Got off, waited for my next bus, about half an hour, in the heat and 90+.

Bus came, got on, "I hope you'll let me give you some candy!" - handed out the last one.

I wouldn't have done any of this, if Ron had been well.  Or, if I'd been "normal" and able to drive. 
Keep me useful, Lord. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

End Times, baby.

I was on my local news site, reading articles. 

Talk about depressing.  Teenage mothers murdering their newborn offspring; teenage girls shacking up with adult men for years, and no one seemed to notice - until she scalded him and put him in the hospital.  Teachers beating students; thug boy attire banned from a mall... and everyone crying racist. 

Ron and I figured out years ago, it isn't the race people despise, it's the ignorance.  I have a black neighbor across the street (and a black husband, for that matter); and a latino neighbor next door.  They're both fine neighbors.  I like them. 

But even if you could download an internet's worth of knowledge into every resisting brain; people would still suck.

It's out nature.  We sin. 

We're haughty, self-rightous, proud, stubborn, and defiant.  It amazes me, what I had to endure, before I turned myself over to God. 

I know I needed to experience every single moment, before I'd become willing to let God use me.   I can honestly say, I am living 2 Timothy Chapter 3, everytime I click on my local news site.  I've got the horrendous human nature, and the persecution if I dare to mention my faith. 

Ay yi yi.  I don't know why He bothers with us, but I'm sure glad He does. 

Video Blog

Thursday, June 23, 2011

And Humble, too!

I find it fascinating; consistent hits from "restricted nations" like China, Pakistan, Columbia, Iran... wow.  I like to check my blog statistics.  I can see how people found me, and where they're from.

 I don't care so much about the operating systems and all.  However, when Blogger offered me the opportunity to create a mobile template, it helped.  8% of my weeks' readers are using an Android or an Iphone, so I'd like to make it easier for them to read.  I said Yes to mobile template. 

I find the big, creepy barcode thing rather alarming, though.  The square digitized thing?  Although it might be fun to create a page, and put the code on our vending machines.  If they scanned it and loaded the page, it would give them a code to punch to get a little discount or something.  I could probably do that with my Rowe snack machine, or the coffee machine.  [shrug]  But I don't think Ron would bite, so I won't. 

I find it funny to know that 9 people found my blog by typing houston heather junk.  [snorting laughter]   As my Dad would say, "And HUMBLE, too!" 

Didn't sleep well last night, Ron was quiet, so I can't blame him.  Sometimes I just don't sleep well. 

Hit the snooze button several times.  Got up.  Ron was taking a bath so I made sure he could.  I had to scrub him; no fun for either of us.  I told him "It would be a lot easier to do this if you were drunk and belligerent, then I wouldn't mind hurting you... " but as it was I had to do it.  Neuropahty makes bathing very painful for him.  I left him in peace, and helped him find some clean socks. 

Poor guy.  I wonder how he dries off.  [shudder]  He thought the washcloth was bad! 

It's really sad.  I could so torture him with a washcloth.  Yes, you get to see all the dark and evil nooks and crannies.  I can't abide phony people. 

Anyway, Ron adores his Banquet and Michelinas chinese food microwave dinners.  He likes the sweet and sour chicken, and the sesame chicken.  It is nice to see Ron eating chicken again; and I won't tell him they have a few vegetables, too.  He really wanted some, so we made a trip to Walmart. 

Other than getting a bad cart, and having to endure a loud clacking noise as I pushed it; it was a good trip.  I got some soda, a few haircare things (little rubber bands for tiny ponytails - I have 2 right now), cottage cheese, and peanut butter. 

Ron got his TV dinners, and a flash drive.  We checked out and waited over an hour. 

Our friend Chuck was taking us to the wholesale warehouse, he had mercy on us and picked us up from Walmart.  I don't know who dropped it, but someone dropped that ball. 

I put away the food and off we went.  I got a lot of bottled soda.  Ron waited in the truck.  He helped me load some of it; I hope he doesn't "pay".  He did stop when he felt strained. 

I put away all the soda, and did a massive snack bombing.  Snacks were so pathetic, I did all the chips.  They look good.  Candy bars and crackers are still pretty weak, but I'll get them tomorrow.  Ron did the food machine and we didn't do sodas. 

Tomorrow I need to do sodas, finish snacks, check codes on the food machines, and organize the stockroom to receive a soda delivery at 4 AM Monday.

Ooh, that's early.  But Ron is promising Mexican food after work.  We know a great little taqueria - great food, low prices, and clean. 

Sounds like a winner! 

Oh, and I got my giant-print, and kiddie outreach items! 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Big Blue

Ron and I eventually resolved our issues and went off to the wholesale club to purchase supplies.  It was pouring, so we went home and stayed. 

I was battling depression - just crap in my head, not in response to anything.  I laid down for a while, had nightmares, got up.  Bubba cat brought me a live bluejay. 

Poor little thing was completely freaked out, in the sink.  I sent up a quick prayer, and picked up the bird.  I end up doing this on a regular basis. 

Poor little baby was trembling, soaked, with a racing heart.  I put it out back and watched it, as Bubba howled angrily, locked in the bathroom.  It's a fledge - an adolescent, partially flightless bird.  He has a full coat of feathers, obviously a bluejay. 

Anyway, I'm keeping Bubba locked up until Big Blue out back figures out the mystery of flight.  Ron didn't really care, because "Blue jays sound ugly anyway". 

But the poor little trusting thing, all quivery in my hands... I couldn't just let him be murdered. 

Why I'm nuts

Spiritual Warfare.  I "haz" it. 

We're back to the old tricks with Ron - verbal abuse, name calling, shame tactics, and domination.  I'm going to re-read boundaries and figure out how God wants me to handle that.  I also plan to ask Ron if he wants a wife who's with him out of duty, or because she wants to be with him. 

I will also remind him I am legally and morally entitled to separation.  Sometimes I think he wants me to leave him so he can "quit" life and just lie in a bed all day drinking with no responsibilities. 

I also need to learn, no matter what button he pushes, to stop reacting.  That makes it fun. 

I know this all doubles back on the evangelism - when I do a lot for God I get attacked, either my health or mental/verbal abuse. 

Now Ron's telling me he loves me.  And people wonder why I'm nuts???

Monday, June 20, 2011


I have a "Days of the week" pill organizer.  Once a week, I fill it. 

Saturday night, I took my new bottle of lithium out of my pill box.  "I wonder if I'll notice a difference?" I mused aloud to Ron. 

He told me he hoped I didn't have the 450 experience - I tried some horrible 450 mg lithium tablets years ago.  Not only were they ineffective, they made me horribly queasy.  I debated the wisdom of just taking the new stuff, but figured, untimately, 300 mg is 300 mg. 

Boy, was I off. 

The new lithium is much more effective; and stronger.  A lot stronger. 

I'm wondering if the old guys were shorting me doses - only giving me 200 mg instead of 300.  In the meantime, I'm pretty goofy. 

Not a bad day, but I took 2 naps. 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I have an illness.

I was exhausted this morning, and went back to bed after a trip to the grocery store.  Even the cat slept with me, very unusual. 

I was pretty groggy from the medication, didn't do much at all; but reminded myself I have an illness. 

I did call my Dad, and sister.  They enjoyed the calls. 

Dad really enjoyed the quote from the message board: "Heather, your light shines brightly, even if the shade's a little askew".  I haven't heard him laugh that hard in a long time. 

I'm glad I made him smile. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Best of all

I really wonder sometimes if my desire for handout Bibles qualifies as "coveting".  People tell me, no, it doesn't; but I yearn so deeply for awesome material for handouts.... I wonder. 

I have had a secret little list in my head: English New Testaments.  Spanish New Testaments.  Kiddie outreach material.  And some Giant Print - there's a guy I see every handout who begs for large print (not to mention a lot of visually impaired clients on the paratransit).  SIGH.  That's my list. 

I thought it was completely awesome when I got the Spanish.  I was over the moon when I got the English.  When an internet buddy asked for a link; I sent him to Biblica with a very general request for kiddie material.  Today he contacted me, he's sending me 200 kiddie outreach booklets!  WHOO HOO! 

Then a Facebook friend liked the status update (screeching about the English New Testaments) and said "There's something you need, what is it?"  and I sent her a link to the Giant Print, the LAST  item on my list.  She just told me she's sending me a case! 

I'm going to hyperventilate, here.  I will have the most awesome handouts next month!  I've got EVERYTHING! 

Best of all, I always have Him, to guide me and send hungry people my way. 

Friday, June 17, 2011


Last night and today, I had the song "Avalanche" running through my head.  Manafest, Avalanche

I've had a secret fantasy for a long time; Bibles showing up on the doorstep, ready for distribution.  It's been my little dream, and it's coming true. 

I'm so happy I could cry.  Mom talks a lot about my "faithfulness" - "Heather, you're so faithful".  I aim to be obedient and able, whatever God wants. 

Wow... I have an avalanche of Bibles... someone else is asking me what I'd like to hand out.  How do I feel?  Incredibly blessed, grateful, and very responsible for the recipients.  Some big time thank you prayers. 

I'd like to share what I'm telling God right now.  If you have a God allergy this is where you go away, I guess. 

Thank you so much for all the awesome people and the Bibles they are giving me to distribute.  I don't mind saying, I'm scared by the responsibility, but I'll just go where You send me and hand them out as You direct.  You know I am totally committed to the Big Bible Handouts, and the everyday ones as needed. 

THANK YOU FOR USING ME.  I don't mind having all the pain and wierdness in my life, because it means You can use me.  I don't care what it takes, if it will keep and make me useful, bring it and give me the grace to deal. 

Lord, KEEP ME USEFUL.  I am scared I will get arrogant, prideful, and useless.  Please don't let that happen.  You have been so good about that in the past, reminding me to keep my eyes on You.  Please, please, please keep it up.  I don't care what I have to endure if it means I can share You. 

Thank you for "giving me a heart for the lost" - as Mom says.  I can't stand the thought of them facing life without You; hurting and struggling and suffering, thinking You don't care or don't exist!  We all need you so much Lord, please continue to let me share You with them.   Thank you for protecting me from Haters - I see them out there and they're scary.  I know You have protected me and please continue to do so, unless it means we can reach more people. 

Keep me accountable and a good witness.  I know myself; I am full of pride, judgemental attitudes, and other ugly stuff that makes You look bad.  Help people to see You, in me, when it matters.  Help me to be a good witness for You, and bring glory to Your name.  I don't want to shame You.   Please help me to have Your thoughts in my head, Your words in my mouth, and Your love in my heart. 

Give me the discretion to know when to reach out, and when to stay quiet.  I know some people aren't ready yet; help me to know when they need Your word. 

You are the boss.  This is all Your program, of distribution.  I know that.  I'm just the Bible Donkey.  Please guide me and show me how to do Your will. 

I want you to say "Job well done, Heather", when it's time for me to graduate and I'm standing in front of Your throne.  I know I'm saved by my faith in Jesus.  Only my faith in Him, saves me. 

But I do want to be USEFUL!  Thank you so much for all the awesome people who helped me get Bibles, and all the recipients.  Thank you for letting me see their eagerness to get a Bible.  Thank you for making the handouts FUN.   Thank you for giving me an appetite to do Your work. 

Thank you for an understanding husband and family, and awesome blog readers  and facebook friends who egg me on in the handouts.  Please continue to guide and lead me.  I can't do anything outside of You, and I know that. 

Thanks for picking ME to do Your work!  What a huge honor!  Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

Oh, and extra prayers for the awesome Bible givers, please give them good health, good relationships, and good finances.  Help me to make the Bibles count and do Your work. 

Thanks again! 
Heather B

Thank you, someone!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wrapping things up

Heidi, I am working on a "wrapping things up" USB drive.  If anything happened to me, it has my last wishes and passwords, etc.  I need to update it, I changed some passwords, and then I'll give it to my aunt.  I'll put a line in there with your email; and also my blogger password so she could put something up. 

Another headache today, I think it is the sugarfree icecream.  UGH.  It is also really, really, hot. 

Video Blog

You've been warned, some overmodulated, outrageous, flirting ("Why don't you take your pants off?") at 3:32.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Peanut butter and lithium

I hate it when I write a whiny, self-pitying post. 

Bad first: Migraine.  Had to work.  Major nausea from medication.  Battling depression. 

Counting my blessings: Ron was awesome hero man - he offered to bring me an ice bag when I laid down.  I just told Ron that; he liked it.  When I have something nice to say, I say it. 

I really do try to live a "no-regrets life". 

Anyway, I got up this morning; depression bad enough that I am adjusting how I do my God time.  Normally I do Bible study 2x a day.  Still doing that.  In the morning, normally, I pray, and do the Bible study.  Not right now.  I save the prayer part for the evening Bible study God Time.  Plenty of times I don't comprehend much at all, but I will take away something like "forgive those who trespass against you"

Kind of lacking focus, today, too.  I'm feeling pretty vague.  I apologize in advance. 

So, I got up, did the AM Bible study.  Went to the wholesale warehouse, rode with "Barbie" - she is a really nice driver.  Ron calls her Barbie, because she gave him a hug one day and has a very petite, cute, figure.  They flirted a little (with my permission), while I teased the trainee "They gave you another one?  After what happened to the last guy?  Did she tell you what happened to the last one?"  He kept glancing at her, while I giggled. 

By the time we got picked up to go to work, the headache was pretty loud.  I got the supplies on the vehicle and battled some horrendous nausea.  I was doing alright, I think, until we picked up a guy wearing cologne. 

Some guys are so vile, I told one of them "Sir, no one smells that bad!  Please go easy on the cologne!"  This guy barely had a whiff, but the headache didn't like it. 

As we got off the vehicle, I nearly vomited.  Happily the driver wasn't watching me.  I got it unloaded and stocked everything, Ron did his thing, we came home. 

Ron was my hero as he got the ice bag.  Still is.  I forget he wants to do nice things for me.  It's his love language - Acts of Service.  I curled up in a ball. 

A couple hours later, I was done lying down - headache didn't take off until about half an hour ago.  The doorbell rang, and Ron reported "Someone left a box".  I found 2 cases of Spanish literature on the porch. 

One case of Gospels of John (really NICE ones!), and one case of awesome-looking New Testaments for my next handout.  Yay!  I felt like some kind of animal as I dragged them off the porch, into my lair.  Oh, not fun with the headache.  Worth it. 

Now I'm just taking it easy, and waiting for the nausea to pass.  I don't think it's headache related, it's just the old lithium is hell on my stomach nausea. 

Thank God for peanut butter.  If I had a dollar for everytime I had peanut-butter-and-lithium I could remodel the bathroom. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Alarmingly direct

Sometimes, God can be alarmingly direct, and I can find it a little scary. 

This morning I woke up pretty depressed, but I had to get up or face a migraine.  My body works like that; if I don't get up, I hurt, worse than depression.  My aunt says she is the same way - if she sleeps too late she gets a migraine. 

So, I got up, wondering what God had planned for me today.  I went ahead and got the master copy sheets for the tracts.  I got some soda, bus pass you name it.  I did my God Time. 

I missed the bus, but since I had the time I checked the mail and took Ron a lot of books.  He was thrilled. 

I went to Foodtown, got a six-pack of diet Dr Pepper, 2 quarts of Powerade Zero, and called my aunt.  Roasted like a turnip waiting on the bus.  Finally caught it.  Got my copies made, and tried to get to the bus stop.

HOWEVER, traffic control had "fixed" the light.  They'd fixed it alright; the pedestrian crosswalk wasn't working.  No way, ever, am  I going to cross that street without the protection of the light. 

As I turned away and trudged up the street, I just KNEW God had some purpose behind this, but I was a little resentful as I trudged the half-mile to the other bus stop with the "good" light. 

Sure enough, another woman waited at the bus stop.  She had a small purse and looked pretty warm.   I was sorry I'd drunk my Powerade, and offered her a soda.  We chatted as we waited on the bus, and boarded. 

She got an earful as I chatted with the bus driver.  The driver likes my "crusades" as she calls them.  She wanted to hear all about the last Bible handout and we discussed current events, and how praying to "God" is OK, but God help you if you pray to "Jesus" in public. 

I pointed out the woman's bus stop, and she passed me a piece of paper as she got off.  "I'm a Christian, too."  Now I can friend her on Facebook - she gave me the contact info. 

All because the traffic light was out! 

So, I trudged off to the Christian bookstore.  I got a couple of t-shirts and a nice card for Dad.  Oops.  I forgot the stamp.  Maybe Ron will let me buy one tomorrow.  It was miserably, hellishly, hot. 

I am certain they had major heat advisories all over the place.  I caught the bus, made my bank deposit, and came home.  Thank God I'm inside. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Where to look, translated, into Spanish

God love wonderful people on message boards. 

Donde puede buscar en el Nuevo Testamento

Donde puede buscar en el Nuevo Testamento

¿Alguien te ha herido? ¿Usted tiene preguntas acerca de Dios? El nos ha dejado todas las respuestas en su palabra (la Biblia).

Usted va ha encontrar primero el nombre del libro, seguido por el numero del capítulo y el verso.

Donde buscar cuando usted está:

Enojado: 1Corintios 13:5, Efesios 4:26, Santiago 1:19-20, Hebreos 10:30

Anxioso/preocupado: Mateo 6:19-34, 11:28-30, Romanos 8:15, 12:12, Filipenses 4:6-8

Amargado: , Efesios 4:31, Hebreos 10:30

Adolorido: Mateo 11:28-30, Hebreos 12:11, 1 Pedro 4:12-13, Apocalipsis 21:4

Queriendo juzgar a alguien: Mateo 7:1-5, Romanos 8:1 y 14:10, 1 Corintios 13,

Santiago 4:12

Solo y triste: Mateo 5:4, Juan 14:18, Romanos 8:28

Bajo persecución (atacado por el diablo por amar a Jesus): Mateo 10:16-25, 28, Romanos 8:28, 1 Pedro 4:12-14, 2 Timoteo 3:11-12

Asustado: Mateo 10:28-31, Juan 14:27, Romanos 8:15, 2 Tesalonicenses 3:3, Hebreos 13:6

Enfermo: Santiago 5:14-16

Tentado: Santiago 1:13-16

Alguien te ha herido: Mateo 5:11-12 y 43-48, Mateo 18:15-17, Romanos 8-28 y 12:14, 1 Corintios 13

Cansado y agotado: Mateo 11:28, Romanos 5:3-5, 2 Corintios 12:9-10, Gálatas 6:9-10,

1 Pedro 4:12-13 y 19.

Usted se pregunta que Dios quiere hacer con su vida: Mateo 6:19-21, Juan 6:27-65, Filipenses: 4:11-13, 1 Pedro 5:6-7, Hebreos 12:14

Usted se pregunta que pasa después de la muete: Juan 14:19, 2 Corintios 5:1-10, Hebreos 9:27 , Apocalipsis 20:12

Necesita fuerza para poder continuar: Juan 14:18, Romanos 8:31, 37-39, 1 Corintios 2:9, Santiago 5:11

Dios te habla sobre:

La Biblia: Hebreos 4:12, 2 Timoteo 3:16

La Salvación: Juan 3:16-17, 6:29,44, y 47, Juan 7:27, Hechos 2:38, Romanos 10:9-10,

1 Tesalonicenses 5:9, 1 Timoteo 1:15

El Diablo: 1 Pedro 5:8-9

Maestros falsos: Mateo 7:15-23, 2 Corintios capítulo 11, Juan (libro complete)

Perdonar: Mateo 18:21-35, Marcos 11:25

Chismes: Mateo 15:10-11, Romanos 14:10, Santiago 1:26, Santiago (el capítulo 3), 4:10-12

Amabilidad : Colosenses 3:12-13

Superación: Juan 16:33, Apocalipsis 3:12

Orgullo: Santiago capítulo 3, 1 Juan 2:15-17

Las actitudes correctas: Mateo 7:12

Su empleo/trabajo: Colosenses 3:23, 1 Tesalonicenses 4-10-12, 2 Tesalonicenses 3:10

Cielo: Apocalipsis 21:4

Dar : Mateo 10:42, 2 Tesalonicenses 3;13, Santiago 2:14-16

Oración: Mateo 7:7-11, Colosenses 4:2, 1 Timoteo 2:1-4, 1 Tesalonicenses 5;17, Mateo 18-19-20, Santiago 1:5-6, 5;16

Compartir su fe: Mateo 4:19, 5:16,9;36-38,10:32-33, Hebreos 4:14

Matrimonio: Romanos 7:2-3, 1 Corintios 7, 2 Corintios 6:14, Efesios 5

Los últimos días / Tiempo del fin: Mateo 24, Lucas17;20-37, 2 Timoteo 3, 2 Pedro 3, 1 Tesalonicenses 5, Apocalipsis 14:9-11, Apocalipsis19:11-21, Apocalipsis 20-22

Is a cat

Yesterday, Ron and I went to the grocery store.  I found my "special" $1 a pound ground beef and got 6 pounds.  God is very good to me.  I also got a couple pounds of chicken drumsticks. 

Yesterday, I cooked up the ground beef, froze it, and made Ron some French Onion soup (with my homegrown onions).  He loved it, by the way.  He also loved the ground beef in tomato sauce. 

I'm trying to make sure I'm putting quality foods into my body, and I was manic enough to have a good cook-day.  Yay. 

Slept pretty well, but I can tell I'm cycling depressed now.  I had a horrible time getting up, felt pretty hopeless.  AGH. 

As I got up, I had quite a sight in the kitchen... a big puddle of cat puke, with a huge skid mark through it.  Ron confirmed he'd slipped in the middle of the night, but hadn't fallen.  Then I had all the fun of cleaning it up! 

The good news, enough cat hair in the mess to indicate he will not have another hairball anytime soon.  I'm glad the only baby I parent, is a cat. 

As we left, I saw something in the road - something that appeared to be a dead animal.  I figured it was just a "seagull" (hallucination), until the driver made yuck noises.  Oh, it WAS a real, dead, possum.  Thank God it didn't get in through the pet door!  It got even wierder, later, when the vulture showed up.  [twitch]

So, we went to work.  Sales... suck.  Like one of those deep cleaning vacuums you see on TV.  Ron said he's really glad we have his disability check.  I agree. 

I was really glad I had my $1 a pound, ground beef. 

So, we got home.  Gaped at the vulture feasting on the dead possum.  Went in the house, got a cold drink.  Got a couple reusable tote bags for Walmart. 

My phone rang, my pills WERE ready.  Hell has frozen over.  The last year or so it has been really hard to get refills.  However, it looks like WM is using a new lithium manufacurer.  [shrug]  I just take a 300 mg lithium carbonate capsule, not much to formulate, so no matter what color lithium I'm taking it always works on the moods. 

Our ride was really late, the system was down.  We got there, got my pills, priced the Tylenol for Ron (a lot more expensive than Sam's Club), got Ron some TV dinners, I got some sugarfree mint chocolate chip ice cream (I had my insulated tote bag), and I got some soda.  It was a really good deal, and they had my beloved CAFFEINE FREE Diet Dr Pepper bottles.  Those are really hard to find. 

After all the anxiety drama the last couple weeks, I am not really interested in getting a lot of caffeine in my system.  I don't tend to run anxious during a depression, I get more despairing and hopeless.  AGH. 

I am reminding myself of all those sleepless nights, the last couple weeks, when I kept telling myself "Soon I will be depressed and all I'll want to do is sleep".  If I don't like the mood, wait 10 minutes. 

So, we got our stuff and checked out.  An hour and a half later, we're still waiting on our ride.  [The system was down]  Ron finally called a cab.  Fortunately we don't live far. 

We came home, I put up the cold stuff, and took a nap.  Tomorrow's my Offday so I plan to have a little fun. 

Oh, and I got paid. 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Where did this guy come from?

If you watched my video blog, you heard how, when our Metrolift arrived, some strange man was in my driveway, talking to the driver, blocking me from getting on the vehicle.  He saw me approach and "got an attitude" when I said "Excuse me".  As I got on, I informed him of the phone number for questions regarding Metrolift, and he acted very offended. 

You're on my property.  It's like he drove up in my driveway and parked behind my vehicle as I tried to get out, then started talking to someone and got an attitude when I told him to please get out of my driveway. 

It was all about "My mother wants to ride this" = translated "I am tired of driving Mom around".  That's nice... come on my property, and get in my way, and get an attitude with me on MY property, because "My mother wants this". 

The driver tried to tell him, it is a service for the severely disabled, that finally sunk in.  In the meantime, I was asking him, not so politely, to please stop blocking the entrance to the van because my husband was coming out. 

I couldn't figure it out, where did this guy come from?  None of my neighbors are so rude! 

About half an hour ago, I saw a very depressed-looking homeowner's wife taking down the "Open House" signs across the street.  Ah.  Thank God, he was just "visiting".  I pray he found the house unappealing.  I can just see him bugging the driver every day and coming onto our property whenever he feels like it. 

See, 3 hot buttons pushed;
1.  I am extraordinarily protective of Ron, if you're going to get in his way, cause him to stand or to walk farther than he should, causing him pain in the process, you and I are going to have a problem.  I could just see the guy forcing Ron to stand there while he interrogated the driver. 

2.  I am territorial.  This is the property line.  See this?  This means you stay on that side, unless I give you permission.  It does not mean you just walk onto my property anytime your mother wants something. 

3.  I have boundaries.  If you violate them I will call you on that, and I don't care if you think I am a bitch.  I'm sure you do, anyway.  Most abusers and all "perverts" will experiment with people, crossing boundaries (for example, moving too close, unwanted touching).  If you don't call them on that, they will continue to violate your boundaries.  If you do call them on it, they willl act like they are giving you "permission" to set a boundary that was already there.  No, you aren't giving me permission to get on the vehicle.  I had a perfect right to begin with!  YOU are the rule breaker, not me.   When he realized that, he left. 

Anyway, a lot of desperate sellers, I doubt he will pick "that" house.  The "wife" looked really depressed, so I don't think they got any offers today. 

I am well aware I have to be careful sharing information.  According to the property tax database, we have a 2 bedroom, 1 bath home.  We have lost about 15% on the home's value.  The house across the street is a 3/2.  The house used to be worth quite a bit more than ours.  It has now dropped 40% in value. 

I don't know a lot about real estate, but it is listed as a "short sale".  That sounds bad, whatever it is.  I'm not really sorry to see them go, because I once caught their boy climbing over my gate, and looking into my windows. 

I just pulled up the real estate database; wow, it is a good time to buy. 

I think I will start praying for the homeowners to find the right buyers.  They look so horribly stressed. 

And, God forbid that guy buys the property, I was very clear about our boundaries.  It is awful to say, but some cultures are really scared of disabled people.  They act like Ron's "catching".  We had a problem with some guys parking and blocking our driveway, until I sent Ron out. 

He would walk up to the car with his cane and start touching the car with his hands.  "I'm getting blind germs all over your car"..  The guy would freak, run out, and move the car. 

I'm evil.  [snort]  But it works. 

Video blog

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Extremely Low Income

People seem to think we have a lot of money.  We don't! 

According to a Houston poverty level chart, we are, in fact, "Very Low Income".   About half our income goes to "housing" - mortgage and insurance.  That's not counting utilities.  Our big "fun" is the satellite TV. 

Sigh.  I don't mind being "poor", as most average people would see it.  I understand, safe housing, potable running water, climate control, reliable public transit, personal safety, and internet access equates to "Royal Living" in most of the world.  I don't take my standard of living, for granted.  I've seen what it's like across the border. 

Ugh.  The stench of rotting human waste; wild and starving dogs; having to buy water off a truck everyday because they don't have a tap; trash everywhere; rickety shacks housing a whole family in maybe 100 square feet; bugs, rodents... I thanked God everytime I crossed the border back to America. 

I am blessed to live the way I do. 

I get sad, and frustrated, when people assume we have a lot of money.  We don't!  I don't know where they get the misconception. 

What triggered all this?  We had a handyman over, a guy from work.  Ron bought a window unit air conditioner to help out the main unit.  This is an inexpensive model, costing about 10 hours of my pay (although Ron bought it).  It is a recognizable brand. 

Anyway, the handyman came out and had a look.  He needs to bring some tools, next time.  I also need to find some screwdrivers. 

We walked around the side of the house and he said "You need to replace this fascia board".  I know, I replied.  "You really need to do this."  I said, I'll be happy to, when we have the money!  We just spent over a thousand dollars for homeowner insurance! 

I was probably sharp with him.  I will apologize tomorrow. 

I just don't get it.  He saw the inside of the house.  We have NOTHING by most American standards.  Why does he think we have a lot of money? 

Sales, by the way, remain TERRIBLE at work.  We do not expect that to change.  We live cheap, not a big problem.  I can have hours of fun with a $2 ball of yarn, or a $1 book. 

I just wish people understood, we are "Extremely Low Income". 

By the way, assuming I do a handout that month, I spend about 9% of my take home on Bibles.  The tithers would love it.  [snort]

Go and sin no more

I don't like to kill anything, even bugs.  I dreaded the thought of killing the mouse; but I would if I'd had to. 

I wished, privately, I could just "get rid of" it without killing it.  It got hauled in the cat door against it's will.  I'm sure it will never come back...

Nothing in the traps today.  Went to work.  Did it all, came home. 

Used the bathroom, then got ready to clean the bathroom.  It seems to me a visitor always wants to use the bathroom. 

I keep the cleaning supplies in a round, 5-gallon bucket.  I have a lid for it.  I stuck my hand, into the bucket, several times as I removed various items.  Then I pulled the bucket out from beside the toilet and looked inside as I reached in, yet again. 

A tail was squirming down between two bottles of cleanser.  A long, THIN, tail -not a reptile! 

OH NO!  The mouse was in my bucket of cleaning supplies!  I quickly slapped the lid on the bucket and took it outside.  I left it for a few minutes, then prepared to remove the lid. 

I started to open the lid,  let out a good scream.  Yup, DEFINITELY a mouse in there.  God let me know it MIGHT be a good idea, to use a tool to open the bucket.  I got a rake.  I popped the lid and watched the rodent explode out of the bucket and across the yard, a furry gray streak... and I said

"Go, and sin no more!" 

[That's what Jesus said to a woman caught in adultery.  The customary punishment was stoning to death.  Jesus asked the man without sin to throw the first stone.  No one did, so He told her "Go, and sin no more", saving her life.]

I doubt I'll see it again.  Thank God it was a pacifist - I could have been bitten several times! 

Friday, June 10, 2011

An Awful Mess.

Ron and I had a good time watching a couple of shows together.  He liked the chinese food TV dinner.  I suggested he "try" one when we went to Walmart, it's a lot cheaper than delivery. 

I have baited a humane mousetrap and placed it under my bed, where I heard all the action last night.  [shudder]  For some reason, the concept of a live mouse in a trap under my bed is a lot easier to bear than a dead mouse in a trap under my bed.  I could even make a video blog. 

Let's see if it likes crunchy peanut butter.  That's a teaspoon I'll never get back.  I also baited the old "snap of death" trap and will use that if needed.  I'd rather not. 

I don't think the mouse will allow itself to be caught again by the cat.  Ugh. 

I got a half hour nap, then we did some accounting stuff today.  Feeling pretty good, but I need to eat and take my pills soon.  I also need to get some laundry moving.  Quite the excitement this morning, "Red Tide". 

I was happy I got the supplies I needed like wet wipes, toilet paper, etc.  I turned in my prescriptions for refill.  Supposedly they will arrive Monday.  Ha.  We'll see. 

My legs are still healing from the hives, what an awful mess. 

How did you sleep?

If you pray, please ask God to give me some good sleep for a while.  I can you I slept badly, but you have to be there. 

The neighbors had the music again.  I could only barely hear the bass notes, like I do.  I think they used to work nights, got laid off, and stay up at night now listening to music.  That can't last forever.  I never hear it during the day. 

Anyway, and then I tell you I finally did fall asleep.  Great.  And then Ron woke me up shouting for me at 12:30 AM.  Why?  He wanted to order Chinese food.  Some quick prayer on my part; I don't want to be a shrieky hater.  I told him, Ron, it is the middle of the night.  I had to repeat it a couple of different ways before he got it. 

Then, I'm sure he THOUGHT he was being quiet as he staggered over to the kitchen and heated up some leftovers.  He thought.  [laughing]

Oh, yeah, and my cycle started last night.  I wasn't hurting, so I didn't take anything. 

I had taken a whole day's worth of lithium at dinnertime, as soon as I could eat, and I didn't want to get toxic.  [sigh]  So I put in my thing and went to bed. 

Then the neighbor behind us on one side (music man I think), goes out into the backyard and has some kind of "confiding" conversation.  I couldn't hear the words, just the tone, but it woke me up.  That was about 1:30 AM. 

But wait, there's more!  Remember the mouse?  Well, it kept stirring under my bed, so about THREE AM I start banging on the frame yelling "shut up" at the mouse.  [falling out of my chair and laughing on the floor]  I had to do this a couple of times.  SHUT UP!  BANG BANG.

And my useless cat is where?  I don't know!   Oh, dear God let it end. 

Then, about 5:30 AM I am awoken with horrendous cramps.  I felt like I was being vivisected and the pain was so bad I almost vomited.  I choked down a couple Aleve, and got a hot water bottle, and curled up into a ball of misery for about an hour, missing my God Time. 

Ron finally woke up. 

"How did you sleep?" 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I have a problem with Pride

Pride.  I have it.  Too much, in fact. 

I'm not quite sure where the line is drawn, somewhere between self-sufficiency, independence, and arrogance.  I think it is safer to say "I have a pride issue" than to say "I am humble". 

I try to dig out and remove unwanted character traits, like pride. 

Anyway, let me tell you about my day and how a couple things got to working on the old pride.  Didn't sleep great, but OK.  God gave me a good quality of sleep. 

I forgot that pinto beans seem to trigger a migraine.  AGH.  Woke up in vicious pain.  Then, I couldn't remember if I HAD taken the Excedrin.  I knew a double dose would be bad news, so I waited and it got better. 

Safe to assume I had.  We had to work, and had to mail the insurance.  I hope we never need to use it. 

I'm pretty groggy right now; post-ictal I think they call it, for a migraine.  The post period can be as bad as a migraine. 

Anyway, we went to work.  I stocked snacks, when ran an errand for Ron in the building.  While I was gone, our supervisor came by.  He picked up some papers and left. 

I was really glad I had just stocked the snack machines.  I did the stocking, and the migraine ebbed and flowed.  I realized I couldn't take out the dumpster. 

Things were not helped by the dumpster full of rancid coffee grounds, in the hall, left by the other vendor's employee.  Yuck.  It was like a drill in my head.  Not to mention that's a great way to attract bugs. 

Anyway, got through it.  Didn't have to wait too long on our pickup, and happily we had a nice driver.  We chatted for a while as he listened to NPR.  Not really my "thing".  We had an interesting discussion about cremation, and I told him I found nothing in the Bible to contradict the practice.  Not to mention, it is a lot cheaper. 

We had to ride for over an hour, until we got home.  I found it amusing that the lady we picked up went to one of the most expensive grocery stores in Houston.  I will say, they do have a good collection of organics. 

Finally got home, and curled up in a ball for a while.  Woke up, felt better. 

I wish I slept as well at night as I can during the day. 

Heard a knock on the door, and yay!  Scripture booklets.  I have a hard time asking for things, especially relating to "ministry".  I feel like I "ought" to be able to buy it all on my own. 

I forget that plenty of people are not called to distribution, but production.  Others are "senders".  I have to say, I think a scripture booklet is about the best use of money.  4 cents per booklet. 

Nothing I could buy, can compete, and they get a donation every month regardless.  I asked for 400 assorted, and they sent me 500.  Awesome. 

I'm bagging up candy right now (all my booklets got sent off to someone distributing in Joplin, Missouri).  Ron was happy to hear we got "Satan vs. Christ" - a booklet that, in part, warns about the mark of the beast.  Ron feels called to warn people, I support him. 

Funny how God put us together. 

Anyway, one thing I saw at work; one of the Spanish New Testaments from Biblica.  I desperately wanted a case, and I can't afford both English and Spanish, for the handout.  Every time I walked by the table it just killed me to see that New Testament. 

"Heather, why don't you just ask?"  So, I called someone who has helped in the past, and asked if they would buy a case of Spanish New Testaments for my next handout. 

"I'd been thinking about it..." they replied, and seem happy to do it.  Yay! 

I hate ASKING, though, but that goes to the pride again.   Hard to be arrogant when I have to ask for material! 

God knows, once I get it, it will be distributed and the recipents prayed for daily. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I will make it.

I am NOT going to beat myself up over the housekeeping things I hoped to do when manic; the things that can't get done because my brain is frying away on an anxiety griddle. 

I'm NOT going to have a pity party. 

I will NOT be resentful of "normal" people. 

I will not compare myself to the normals. 

I will not wonder, for the ten millionth time, why people with mental illness choose to have children. 

I will thank God I don't have kids, depending on me. 

I will thank God for the plump housecat. 

I will thank God I finally got the mousetrap set without snapping my finger. 

I will thank God for my life and the good things in it. 

I will have a cheddarburger, some field peas, and some corn tortillas with cheese for dinner. 

I will take my pills, with dinner. 

I will enjoy reading a good book after dinner. 

I will enjoy my God Time after dinner, maybe before the book. 

I will take some time to watch the birds today. 

I will make it. 
I've had some pretty nasty problems with anxiety, the last little bit.  The last few nights in particular, were very bad.  Lying in bed, my heart pounding out of my chest, not for the weak. 

I reminded myself that I had fallen asleep at least 12,000 times in my life (more accurately, over 13,000).  I could certainly fall asleep one more night.  And I did, eventually.  It was a pretty ugly hour, though... or longer. 

I'm not saying this to whine; that's pointless.  Am I taking my medication?  You bet.  As directed?  You bet.  I'm being careful about my caffeine intake, too.  It's just another symptom. 

If I got food poisoning, I'd vomit, and I wouldn't hate myself.  If I got the flu, I wouldn't get angry because I had a fever, or try to "lecture" myself out of coughing!  So, I treat the anxiety as "Just another symptom", which includes being kind to myself, taking my medication as directed, and remembering, yet again - if I don't like the mood, wait 10 minutes! 

I'd forgotten how much I hated it, and how easy it is to let it spiral into an anxiety attack.  I didn't, but I had some fighting. 

Now I'm sitting here in my chair trying to call the pharmacy; busy.  Finally got in.  The computer says no refills. 

Which is kind of foolish, when you think about it.  I'm taking non-addictive mood stabilizing and antipychotic medication.  Doc should be able to write me a lifetime prescription.  I'm going to keep taking them 'till I'm dead... so why mess with the little piece of paper every couple months? 

Anyway, I got a good night's sleep last night, I only woke up a few times for a drink.  A good night's sleep is a gift from God. 

I even got a nap this afternoon, until I had a nightmare about the neighbors storing a ladder on our roof.  Yeah. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I never get tired of hearing it.

I had a good talk with Ron; he told me again and again he loves me. 

I'm glad.  Tomorrow shouldn't be too busy, more of an accounting day than a stock day. 

Praying I get a solid 8 hours, but like I always ask God in the middle of the night, "Give me a good quality of sleep, if I can't get the quantity". 

That's it for now. 


I'm feeling better.  Ron is in some kind of black mood.  He's in his room, I won't bother him. 

Ron read the Mars and Venus book, and loved the concept of the man cave.  [shrug]  He's got it. 

I wish I could help him.  Sometimes I wonder if the whole "homeowner" thing is too much for us.  Would it be easier if we had a 2 bedroom all bills paid apartment somewhere?  I doubt it would be quieter, and I know Bubba would object, but I know it would be cheaper. 

Speaking of, Mr Bubba Cat got up on the bed as I laid there like a broiled shrimp.  My head still aches, but not as badly.  I was able to feed the birds, for instance, and take out the trash, but not up for bending over and picking up the front room.    Anyway, he got up on me and laid down on my legs, purring away.  I petted him, then he cleaned himself.  We had a good time. 

I hope I can get a good night's sleep tonight.  I have been very careful about caffeine consumption.  I looked, but Walmart was out of Valerian root.  Curses. 

Good, I can hear the sparrows "roaring" in the bushes.  Ron invented the word. 

I feel dreadful.

I think the music is coming from Ron's room, actually. 

I went with him to the liquor store, "made" him get his own booze, sent him home.  Went to Walmart.  Headache got progressively worse. 

Ron called yelling at me; I figured out what had him upset.  I hung up when the shouting started, and turned off my phone.  About 10 minutes later I called him "Are you going to yell at me?  No?  I understand you are worried about ____.  I will help you _____.  " then I hung up. 

One way or the other, he was pretty impaired.  I kept getting worse and called him; told him I would be coming home on the bus.  He said, take a cab, I will pay. 

Alright.  The cab came quickly.  A lovely Nigerian man.  I love Nigerians.  They are so friendly, intelligent, and professional.  Every single one.  Came home, made sure he got a good tip. 

He said the lady before my trip was very rude and shouted at him.  I was glad I made him smile. 

I staggered home, and into bed.  I used the word migraine repeatedly. 

I don't know what Ron heard, but I got to hear loud music and phone calls for a while.  I kept reminding myself of AA "Don't argue with a drunk".  He wouldn't understand even if I could yell at him. 

He's quiet now.  I might try to rest again. 

I baited a couple of mousetraps.  We will see which bait does the trick, Marshmallow creme, or almond butter. 

Oh, I feel dreadful. 

What a strange night.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The dishes can wait

I had a lovely afternoon.  I spent a lot of time looking out the bedroom window, watching the birds eating, a thunderstorm, and the birds again.  I saw a fledgling sparrow peeping at Mommy, who painstakingly picked up a millet seed in her beak, and placed it in his open mouth, then ate a seed for herself.  She taught him how to eat birdseed, and as I watched the little guy slowly became more proficient at feeding himself. 

It was a beautiful and tender moment.  I would have missed it, if I'd been tuned out, with my headphones or sitting in front of my television.  The little guy kept looking at me with a beady little eye, as if to say "Thanks, Heather". 

Well worth the price of birdseed.  It is so easy to get overwhelmed in things I can't control.  I won't make a list; everyone has them.  Home repairs, possible neighbor issues, you name it.  I could always have hysterics over finances and poor sales.  My illness, Ron's health, my family... it's a lot. 

I can't carry those loads; so I do my best to give them to Jesus.  If I catch myself worrying again, I turn them back over to Him. 

I also enjoyed an excellent book.  I finished "Germ", and it was excellent.  I'm really glad I have another huge book by the same author. 

It's been far too long, since I read a good book, watched a thunderstorm, and enjoyed some sparrow antics (I have to say, sparrows are my favorite - Ron likes the doves).  My illness doesn't always allow me to enjoy life, but when I get a window, I take it.  I hope I take it.  I don't get them that often. 

I'm not going to spout a bunch of cliches, because they always annoyed me, especially when I'm depressed;  "Oh, take time to enjoy life?"  When, in the unrelenting pain, do you suggest I do?  Before or after I whack the suicidal impulses?  AGH. 

So, I won't say that.  But when your illness, or your life, gives you a window of clear thought and smooth emotions, where you have the opportunity to enjoy a few simple pleasures in life, do it. 

The dishes can wait. 

I could really torture you....

During my God Time, I've been asking Him for rain.  Just "enough" to help with the drought, not so much we flood. 

Yesterday afternoon, we got about 1/8 of an inch.  Ron told me it was supposed to rain today. 

My knee is still a bit tender, so I stayed home anyway.  I was pretty tired, too (more on that in a bit).  Sure enough, about 3:30 the sky got dark, the wind picked up, and it started to rain.  Lovely.  It rained for about 40 minutes. 

I can hear the sparrows chirping joyfully out in the bushes.  I'm sure they're going to feast on delicious little bugs. 

It was a lovely show, watching the rain.  I'm glad I could. 

Ron went out, and actually stood in the rain for a moment.  He came back in.  "Ow, that really hurt".  What?  "The raindrops beating on my back, it was horrible."  Neuropathy.  A few days ago, he told me he hated bathtime, because the motion of the water in the tub made him ache. 

I can't imagine.  How awful.  How awful that he said the neuropathy was worse than getting hit by a truck! 

[snort]  When Social Security wanted to review his case, I could certainly check "worse" (is he better, the same, or worse?).  [sigh]   It was hard to watch. 

I told him, I could really torture you with the sprayer on my hose.  He shuddered.  "Yeah." 

Speaking of torture, he had a bad night.  A lot of crashing noises.  He's told me, don't intervene unless I call your name, so I don't.  I slept terribly. 

I got up and did my God Time.  Bubba-cat was very cuddly while I did it and I rewarded him with a can of "beef" cat food. 
It's probably dog meat!  Whatever it is, he sure liked the gravy.  He likes to eat the gravy, and then come back and eat the solid part later. 

Ron, obviously, had also gotten a bad night's sleep.  He had a hard time waking up. 

We got to work, did a whole lot of stocking, and did it all.  I was especially happy to see a temporary worker buying not one, but two bags of my special discount cookies.  He told me "They're good", so did one of my regulars.  Yay! 

We came home after work, and I took a nap, I think we both did.  I had a nightmare I made the McDonald's clown cry because he spilled his soda.  Time to wake up! 

I can't oversleep, I have horrendous nightmares and usually get a vicious headache, too.  I got up. 

I read my book "Germ" - which is very good, and watched the birds in the yard for a while before the rain. 

Then I saw the congressman, or senator, explain why he put up a naked photo on Twitter.  How awful for his wife! 

What a day! 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Nice little soak

Still a little manic.  Probably got another week on that. 

Woke up early, I was having a dream about Ron and heard him laughing.  He was laughing in his sleep.  I turned on the dryer (I don't run it when it's hot) and went back to sleep. 

Woke up again, noisy sparrows.  I have a little flock.  We have had very little rain this year, so the birds really need the food and water.  I even grew some millet in the garden so they could eat it off the plant.   They are. 

Got up, Didn't have a long day because I have to go to bed early (7-ish).  I went out and watered the garden, in the hot, hot, sun.  Pulled up the dead cornstalks and put them in the compost, fed the birds, and came in.  Internet time, had fun. 

I looked for interesting books by typing in words like "pandemic" "earthquake" and such.  I love a good disaster book.  I sent myself a few samples, and wish-listed some others that had excellent reviews. 

I'm very cheap with my reading, and killed my budget by buying "Boundaries" and "Are We Living in the End Times".  If you are at all interested in prophecy, you should check it out.  I think it is clear I don't have very firm boundaries!  [snort]  You know that, reader. 

Then I poked around on the news website.  I tripped over my own feet while organizing the disaster kit, aggravating a pulled knee from last night (tripped over Bubba, who is fine).  . I'm glad I did all my heavy lifting stuff already.  I will baby it for a few days.  It isn't hurting right now but I will have to be gentle. 

For instance, Ron is planning his Tuesday so he can drop me at a Walmart, for my Day Out. 

Ron's doing well, he enjoyed my story about the sleep laughter. 

I attempted to direct the mania by doing my God Time, baiting the fire ants that have gotten into my house (they even invaded my backpack!), cleaning up, and organzing. 

All in all, not a bad day off. 

I heard a strange tapping noise outside, and saw it was even raining.  Hopefully we'll get a nice little soak for the next few days. 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Little Puppy.

Every Saturday night, I call (adoptive) Mom and Dad.  They love the ritual.  They can expect my call on Saturday night, between 4-7 their time. 

If I miss it, they worry.  So I only miss it if I have a migraine, or so viciously depressed I can't fake it.  They would probably be upset over the latter. 

Anyway, I was describing various developmental disorders to Mom, and said "Fetal Alcohol is the friendly little puppy, jumping on you and yapping away, wants to be your best buddy.  [another problem] is the angry cat hiding under the bed and hissing."  

She loved it.  "The little puppy!  Oh, Heather, that's you!" 

[laugh]  I'm choosing to be flattered. 

The Best employee

I slept horribly last night.  Not only that, I had a horrific nightmare about my sister.  It woke me up, I prayed  for her and everyone for a while. 

My adoptive Mom used to have trouble sleeping (at least when I lived with her! [laugh]), and she used to say "When I wake up, I just pray for everyone until I go back to sleep".  I've always seen that as good advice. 

It's odd, most bipolar have a lot of trouble sleeping; and usually I don't.  I'm not sure if that goes to caffeine intake or what.  [shrug]

I got up and went to the local grocery store.  While buying soda for work, I found an EXCELLENT deal on individually wrapped animal crackers.  I bought a few packages, and Ron and I put them out for 40 cents each.  We don't offer any other "bag" type cookie for 40 cents, but I do have some imported cookies from Mexico that are always popular.  I took them, and a whole lot of soda, to work. 

The customers were delighted to see the cookies, and started buying saltines as soon as I shut the door to the snack machine.  They want to buy; they just don't have as MUCH cash.  I think we can do OK if we target some value line items (which we have). 

I did a lot, helping Ron.  I stocked sodas, snacks, coffee, and food.  I chilled the sodas and put over 10 cases of soda on the cart for stocking.  I felt like a very useful employee. 

I told Ron, I want you to see me as THE BEST employee, and not just because we're married.  I want to be the person you don't have to nag, because I've already done it.  He loved it, I think, and made a joke about me being the worst. 

Nice thing; I can tell it was a joke.  Thank you, medication.  About an hour before we left I started getting pretty groggy and dragging my left foot when I walked.  That's my "high dose" lithium indicator.  If I get worse I start slurring my words and such. 

Happily, we get tomorrow off.  I bought the pickling spice I need to make the pickled onions.  I just need to figure out which recipe to use. 

Ron loves eating my canned sausage and beans (pressure canned).  I told him just now, let me know when you get down to your last jar and I'll make some more.  I can use my outdoor cook station - a propane camping stove on some cinderblocks.

It is miserably hot, oppressively humid, and very sunny.  I am NOT going to boil water or use the stove in the house!  No way!

Tomorrow's off.  Not sure what I'll do but we aren't using paratransit to do it.  I hope we do get a nice, modest, amount of rain.  We can really use it; but not enough to flood!  

Edit; finished "The Walk" - it was excellent. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

Off Day

It's so hot and sunny, I'm hiding in the house right now.  Praise God for air conditioning.  Ron and I like it warmer, about 80 degrees.  It got up to 98 yesterday, beating a record. 

In the meantime, I'm hiding out.  Someone calling themselves toenail fungus left a message; it was spam.  I get tired of the spam.  It's odd to consider someone named Toenail Fungus... anyway. 

Ron couldn't believe it when I told him some people have no moderation on their blogs; letting anyone put anything up under their names.  Yike. 

I've downloaded a few more books.  One is a public domain book on disaster preparation.  Another, a biography of a "Son of Hamas" who converted to Christianity after someone gave him a New Testament.  That's why I do it, folks. 

I am perfectly happy, going through life, never meeting my recipients, never knowing if anyone's ever gotten saved.  My Dad calls me "The Sower".  I sow, and move on.  God uses other people to take it from there, but I've heard enough stories of people getting saved by a New Testament.  I'm convinced it's worthwhile. 

I finished reading "9.2 Seattle Quake" - it was very well done, gripping, and enjoyable.  It cost a dollar. 

I'm now working on "The Walk" by Lee Goldberg.  I got a sample, loved it, and got the whole book.  Then I downloaded "Son of Hamas".  I still have 75% of my book budget! 

One gripe about reading; it can be expensive.  Even on a digital reader, a "Popular" book can run almost $20.  Ouch.  That's my whole book budget, for a month. 

So, I'm going to relax, feed and water the birds, and read my books.

Edit: while watering the outside birds, I noticed the onions were ready to harvest.  I pulled them out of my very dry soil and WOW!  3 pounds!  NICE. 

Ron is already making tuna salad in his head, he loves it with lots of onions. 

Mom and Dad get their pickled onions. 

I'm not sure what I'll do with the rest; I have half a pillowcase full of delightful onions. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Even a regular day

I ran out of time; but I just thought the mockingbird eating the tomato sauce was another "Seagull" for a minute. 

It got even stranger when the baby mockingbird kept bugging Mommy for a snack, she flew off, and he finished the rest of the sauce. 

Even a regular day in my life can be very, very, strange. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ants in my brain

I felt like I had ants in my brain; it's a frustrating mania.  I felt very energized, but not very well directed.  I have dug up huge garden beds in the yard, finished craft projects, taught myself entirely new operating systems, built web pages, and even wrote a book during manias.  Two books, actually. 

When it's a directionless mania; it's hard.  I am irritable, jumpy, and impatient; and I don't have any where to point it; it's like a huge firehose set on a very broad setting; I hit everything and nothing at the same time. 

I missed a bus, and it turns out that was a very good thing.  I went to the grocery store, not my favorite.  I am very frustrated with them. They literally doubled the price on their bottled Diet Dr Pepper.  That's insane.  I got some honeybuns for the Christian bookstore, and a couple of 2 liter bottles. 

I wasn't much of a treat; checking out.  Ugh.  I was so frustrated with the store I threw the "savings card" out as I left.  I don't think they will cry over "losing" me.  [snicker]  I didn't have a tantrum, or treat anyone badly, but I was very frustrated. 

I got to the bus stop.  Boy, it was hot, sunny, and I suddenly realized "I really need another lithium.  I am going to have a horrible day if I don't."  I got a snack and took my lithium as the bus pulled up. 

I went to the Christian bookstore.  Recently, someone asked me to make some Bible suggestions for someone; and I verified the ones I had suggested were good.  I also chatted a little about the Bible handout, gave them the pastries, and left. 

I decided to walk over to a grocery store; afterwards.  Maybe 15 minutes after I'd crossed, a car went off the road, through the crosswalk, and into a pole.  God isn't ready for me yet.  I would have died. 

Much more pleasantly medicated, I looked around the grocery store.  I bought some incense for my God Time.  I like a certain brand.  They have some bulk foods; so I got some bulk nuts for a do-it-myself trail mix. 

I am certainly avoiding anything "wheaty".  Do you know that Fritos have wheat?  I'm glad I read the label before I paid!  I had to go for a snickers (hey, I was really manic, and needed to get something down with that lithium). 

I came out of the store, gaped at the DREADFUL accident, and went to Starbucks.  I had just enough left to buy my steamer.  I knew the "mess" would impede all my home-bound buses for quite a bit, and got out my book.  I read that for a while and finished my drink. 

Then I came home.  At one bus stop, the bus bench was so hot I took my trusty microfiber hand towel out of my bag and laid it on the concrete.  I would have gotten first-degree butt burns (hm, interesting title) if I'd sat unprotected!  The hand towel performed above and beyond expectations. 

I was also happy to get an excellent transfer with minimal waiting, and a nice little walk home. 

Time for yet another lithium. 

Pimping the Word

It's not true, but I'd love to believe it: "Manias are good, depressions are bad".  I don't know about others, but not MY manias. 

Ugh.  I have been horribly restless, jumpy, irritable.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  I'm getting belligerent on "my" message boards. 

Ugh.  I just want to knock myself out until the mania passes and I can "enjoy" my next depression. 

I think it's very important to state an ongoing request: I am constantly asking God to "Keep me useful".  I don't want to become some arrogant, useless, thing.  I want to be usable, useful, humble, obedient, and loving. 

Humble.  Humility is one of those tricky traits.  If I think I am, I probably am not.  How do I know if I'm humble?  I don't.  I know I need to watch my pride, God reminds me of that.  I try to be vigilant, and remember that He directs everything. 

Well, when my brain is running off like a runaway car, and I'm either "speeding" or in the ditch, I know Who directs my steps.  I know He's in charge.  I would hate to see my life with "me" in charge!  So, the illness works for humility. 

I was feeling rather desperate as I did my God Time this morning, the inside of my brain felt so itchy, and that was after medication.. 

I swear God put it in my head:

"Heather, keep pimping myWord." 

I laughed so hard I almost fell off the couch.  I could just see me, dressed up in the baggy-pants gansta attire, with some "slow", loud rap playing in the background, making "God Signs" at the passing cars (instead of gang signs), and beckoning to my "Free Bibles" sign. 

[snort]  So, would I shave my head, or wear a "rag"? 

A visit with the parents

So, my Dad's in town.  Along with my adoptive Mom.  Say what you will, she did raise me.  I slept pretty well last night - no noise.  ...