Showing posts from June, 2010

Burrito Surprise

Well, it's official. I have donated 23 units of blood. One more unit and I hit 3 gallons. Coolness. I also checked my cholesterol. It was 140 something. Then it was 136. It wasn't that today. No, it was ONE-THIRTY. That's the kind of number that got me life insurance for $8 a month. My iron level was also an AWESOME 43.

Ron has donated 2 gallons now. I think that is awesome. His veins are not great, and they can only use the one arm. His cholesterol was a nice 165. For an older guy who doesn't eat his veggies or take vitamins, I think it's great. Pretty easy to crow over those numbers.

So, what did I do today? It was a day off. I slept in 'till about 7:30, got up, played on the computer, did about half of my God Time, and took my shower. Ron and I cuddled on the couch for a bit and then decided "Let's go out."

He checked the bus schedules and I got the wheelchair. I made up plenty of Driver Candy. I only had one driver accept i…

Don't compare.

I think the majority of my pain in life has come from comparing myself to others. I used to call it "The Normal Stick". I felt like I could never measure up to the normal stick, no matter how hard I tried. I felt everyone was demanding I measure up and felt like such a failure because I couldn't.

I woke up with a pretty nasty headache. I took some Tylenol and felt better after a hot shower. I did my God Time, ate a little, and got ready to go.

Ron and I had a date at the Blood Center, after a trip to Burger King. Our ride was late and we had another pickup. The next pickup is a NOTORIOUS guy. I actually prayed out loud for God to fill him with kindness and love.

It worked. The guy came out, happy as a clam, the nicest fellow ever. Had I not seen this guy raving at two separate drivers I would have thought he was a different guy. Wow. I was glad I had prayed, out loud!

Off to Burger King. Mr Cheerful waved bye-bye as they drove away. Surreal.

I got my usual Burger King meal. P…

The Knock at the Door

It's sad. Someone knocks on the door, my instinct is to go answer. However, some push-in home invasions and violent assaults have led to a re-evaluation of my policy.

Just now, I heard a loud banging at the door. I started for the door, stopped, and looked out the window. Mail truck. I looked out the peephole. Mailman, dressed properly. OK. THEN I opened the door.

How sad that we live in that kind of world! Where we can't just open the door when someone knocks!

I slept HORRIBLY, again, and got up at 2. I did my God time and Ron woke up. He was feeling pretty good - seemed to have dealt with whatever issues were bugging him.

I drank insane quantities of caffeine, and was a little dim, but managed to get to work OK. I had a little trouble when we went 20 minutes out of our way to pick up a guy in a dirty undershirt and too much cologne, who kept coughing up a lung. I reminded myself I would only get sick of God willed it, and spitefully wondered if he cough could be…

Taking care of myself

Today has been a rather challenging exercise, not letting Ron's bad mood infect me. Taking care of myself when it seems like he won't.

I meant to mention this, the other time Ron gets really upset about "What will the neighbors think" is when I talk about having bipolar disorder. If he's in one of his "moods" then he tries to shush me. Then when we're alone it's I don't want people to know... [rolleyes]

Is he ashamed of me? Probably. He has said things like "Your broken brain" and used the word "defective" when he is angry at me. I think he feels like God gave him second-best. He rants a lot about why couldn't God give him a "Normal" woman.

I don't tell him this, but if I think the situation is appropriate I will ABSOLUTELY tell anyone anything they need to know. If your only encounter with "bipolar" is someone going off, killing people, committing crimes, sleeping around, etc... what …

The Company you keep

This is one post, I feel, where most people will agree with Ron and view me as nuts. [Ugh. I just had to endure a morning-long rant on how God is so "Awful" to Ron and how Ron wishes he would lose everything and end up in a nursing home (alone of course). "I wish I would lose the house and business" he says, "So I don't have to worry about it anymore." I finally told him I had my quota of negativity and asked him to please leave me alone if he "didn't have anything positive to say, because you would not want to listen to me talking about headaches all day long." "I'll go suck it up" he said bitterly as he left. I'm so sorry I only lasted 3 hours!]

Anyway, off to Foodtown this morning. I had a bagful of driver candy and my tote bag. Ron was really agitated - they had cut our time at Foodtown and he kept going on about it.

My attitude is just "Tell me about it and drop it." I don't CARE if they cut…

New Videos

New Videos!

Look over in the bar to the right... blogger is being a butt about letting me post the links.

Heather, I need you this way

Heather, I need you this way
.When I was a kid I'd fall and I'd cry
I'd look at the others, I'd moan and I'd sigh
.God why am I different? It's not very fair
They can do so much, I just can't compare.

I tried and I tried to learn tying my shoes
I'd fall off my bike, and was plagued by the blues
Depressed as a child! Sure doesn't seem fair!
I hated my glasses, my feet, and my hair.

I tried to make friends, so strange and so wierd
My company? No thanks! I was to be feared!
I sighed and I cried and I leaned upon God
I took him my pain and I made him my Rock.

When others were playing, and on the home phone
I was in my room, with God, never alone.
He told me again and again, oh it seemed
."I'm going to use you, for wonderful things."

As I got older, I realized my brain
Was broken and different, a source of much pain
I cried and I raged and felt bitter inside
When I realized that I never would drive

Stuck on the bus for the rest of my life!
No man would ev…

My fever's gone

Well, a lot of running around what with Ron and the dentist this week. Not sleeping well, either.

Not surprising I caught something! I'm not sure what it was, I had a fever of 100.8, some aches, fatigue. I didn't have a sore throat, cough, or any kind of nose symptom. Huh. All the systems seemed to be working.

Whatever it was, I licked it. I chose to stay home today (Ron had made a trip to Foodtown) on the off chance I might be contagious. I don't want to be the person who gets people sick.

Anyway, I'm feeling better. No fever, just fatigue. That's easily remedied with some bed time.

I need to shut up

[groan] I need to shut up. "I never get sick".

I ran around a lot yesterday and didn't get a good amount of sleep for various reasons. I had a few little aches and pains, but didn't really pay attention to them.

Today, I was OK at work but after we left I started feeling extreme fatigue. By the time I laid down for a nap, I was running a fever. When I woke up it was 101.

Drinking a lot of water, taking my tylenol. I feel really run down and headachy.

Bad Headache

I have a rating scale for headaches. Headache, Bad Headache, and Migraine.

I woke up with a Bad Headache. I was worried about it evolving into a migraine, so I took 2 Excedrin on an empty stomach and went back to sleep. I slept about 3-4 hours. When I woke up I felt a lot better.

I needed some more Tylenol at about 10, but overall OK. I knew, eating the pie, that I could get a headache but at the time it seemed "worth it". Meh.

I was happy to do my God Time. I hate it when I can't due to a migraine. I was able to go with Ron to the dentist.

Actually, we got there an hour early. Ron waited while I walked over to a store. I was out of Diet Dr Pepper. I bought some and lugged it back. Ron finished the buildup and all on the root canal and got the temporary crown. That took hours.

He had a good time talking to the dentist and playing his music. At one point, several employees were gathered in the room listening to Ron and the doc. It took longer than Ron expe…

Some Random Facts

Just for fun:
I seldom call my husband by his real name, and only when discussing him with a 3rd party. I never call "Mr Black" (the cat) by his real name, either. He is Bubba or Bubby. I own 2 bottles of perfume: Tea Rose and Jean Nate. I love them both. I will buy generic anything, except for the following: automatic dishwashing packs, toilet paper, toothpaste, toilet bowl cleaner, and tampons. Even though I'm married to a blind man, I am terrible about getting my eyes checked. I am 2 years overdue. I'm glad I have to wear my glasses all the time, especially when I see other people losing their reading glasses. I think I look wierd without glasses. I could happily eat sausage at every meal. I live in an orange house. My bedroom is painted a deep gold. The most expensive furniture items, the beds, cost about $400 each. Everything else is pretty much Ikea's basic lines. I sleep with 3 pillows stacked in a pyramid formation. I always sleep with 2 cove…

The three best

I didn't sleep well last night, excited about the photo shoot at the Blood Center. Ron can't drive me around, but he likes "taking care" of things like our Metrolift trips. We had a trip to go to the Blood Center downtown.

So, I got up, took my shower, did some light mineral makeup (turns out the makeup artist HATES mineral makeup), and my hair. I was happy with the hair. I always have trouble doing my eyes so I left them naked. Turns out I didn't need to do ANYTHING to myself makeup wise.

I put a mask on Ron's forehead and peeled it off. [laugh] Now he had a fresh and exfoliated forehead. The makeup artist commented on our "great color", I didn't tell her we don't use sunscreen. I trimmed his beard and put a little gel in his hair.

The shirts I picked are cobalt blue, I brought Ron's and wore mine. I had a tote bag with my Dr Pepper stash, some driver candy, my backpack, and the shirts.

Ron and I were worried we'd be stuff…

Aren't they cute?

Hm. How to say this? Didn't get much sleep, but I didn't mind. That's good.

Got up early, completely tired. Shower, God Time, work. I am still getting the silent treatment from Grumpy, but in my opinion he doesn't look too far from a nervous breakdown anyway. I am glad I am being ignored.

I had a good time yakking at the other vendor ("Hot Legs"). I got the deliveries and stocked them. Thankfully, things are pretty quiet. I found the wholesale catalog. Yay!

As I was working, I got a phone call from the publicity coordinator for the photo shoot. She asked if I had any questions. I said I'd be bringing Ron, who was a donor AND recipient, and she was thrilled. She is scheduling him into the photo shoot too!

That is going to eat a certain group of haters, alive. Seeing us... happy and well. Oh! They will be enraged!

I figure they will take at least one photo of the both of us. After great deliberation, I narrowed my choices down to purple crew…

Stupid things I could do before the photo shoot Tuesday

I have had some really bad ideas.

Take a laxativeDo a steam room Try a new vitamin or skin care product (allergies!)Speaking of allergy, eat wheat and get hives. Not read labelsBinge-eat due to nervesTake a large dose of fiber supplementChange my diet Consume too much caffeine and ruin my sleep cycleEat sugar (GUARANTEED pimple).
I'm going to share one of my favorite songs. I never tire of it. It is Gospel Rap.

From 2 minutes to 2:10, he talks about how he wants to "walk up in a country where sharing my faith may get me shot up" I always grin because I HAVE been shot up for my faith (BB gun, last year, carrying a sack of 50 New Testaments).

He is on FIRE for Jesus, with a terrible burden to share Him with the unreached. That's me. That is absolutely me. I have a terrible pain in my soul, thinking about the people who will die tonight and go to hell. I hurt, thinking of people living without Him.

Today, I had hoped to find a church with members who felt as I did. It was nice. They had coffee, and nice padded pews. But it left both of us completely unsatisfied. It wasn't just the hour-long sermon about giving. It wasn't the fact that I don't process 1/3 of what I hear anyway, due to the brain damage, or the fact that the Bible s…

He isn't bound to the wheelchair

I have been leaning on Ron a little more lately. He is happy to have me do it. I read him yesterday's blog and he listened. That was awesome. I really enjoy our early morning talks, before I do my God time. Talk to my husband, talk to God, ready to go.

I really enjoy our outings, too. I am certain most people's idea of "fun" does not include pushing 140 pound spouse, in a wheelchair, up to a few miles a day in the sun on feels-like-100, and riding the "scary" bus. But I'm not most people! [laughing]

I'm sure "normal" looks at a wheelchair as horribly oppressive symbol of debility and handicap. "I'm wheelchair bound - my life is over now." Pah! For us, the wheelchair is a wonderfully liberating tool. Today, Ron wanted to go to Starbucks. He knew he could get there because we had the wheelchair. He was able to walk as far as he could, and then tell me when he needed to ride. He knows I view pushing him as "n…

"I thought I had it bad!"

Ron and I have a whole wheelbarrow load of problems; mutual brain damage, my mental illness, his peripheral neuropathy, blindness, hearing loss, arthritis, and hemiparesis. Neither of us can drive and he has to use a wheelchair if he walks more than 100 feet. I challenge anyone to find a couple that gets more LIVING out of life.

Today was a great example; we went to work and did it all. We stocked. I unloaded an entire pallet of soda, rotated the inventory (Ever had a flat tasting canned soda? Horrible, isn't it?! No one will ever buy one from MY machine!), fixed a naughty coin mechanism, and did snacks. We agreed we will need a junk food delivery on Friday, which means a really early wakup. We talked shop and talked with the customers.

He asked me how I was doing, and I told him I'm starting to run depressed. For me, the depression cycle is like hiking along a cliff. If I can stay on the cliff, I'm OK. Starting to slip? Whip out the things I love list, do a f…

Hoarders and executive functions

I have to be careful, I have real hoarding genes. It's emotional, genetic, and physical. Truly. The Executive functions of my brain are damaged.

Anyway, I have gone into this at some length. I look around, finally NOTICE and get overwhelmed. I have figured out a little system that I use:
1. Throw away obvious trash.
2. Put donatable things in the bag
3. Figure out what to do with what's left.

With the #3 items, I have to look at it. What is it? Take Ron's CAT scan films. The neurologist gave them to us. What the heck category is that? The only other "medical" stuff we have; home health care equipment, prescriptions, and Ron's wallet sized Medicare card in his wallet! I will have to consult him; for now since they are 'visual" I have put them on the bookcase.

Then I have things like the yarn problem. Any crafter knows about the yarn problem. I need to seriously go through and get rid of al…


I'm feeling a little scrambled so this may come out that way. I hope it's coherent.

I got up when I felt like it, did my shower and God time. Ron and I had talked a little when I first got up.

He tends to sleep afternoon-evening, and stay up late night to early morning. He is in his best mood in the early morning so I enjoy getting up a little early to talk. We had a decent chat.

I took my shower, did my God Time. I told him I was getting ready to leave. His mood had changed abruptly and he wanted me to read a long, depressing "why" letter. Why? Why? I don't know.

I told him I didn't know what he wanted me to say, could he please let me know what he wanted? He got upset. [scratching my head] I don't see how I could have done it any differently. I told him I WOULD miss a bus if I didn't go, and left.

[Bubba just came in and growled at the window. It is raining. Now off to Daddy for treats.]

I got some fast food, and the cashier told ever…

Say it Now!

Do you ever get the feeling, sometimes, that you don't have a lot of time? I do.

If I only had another week or two to blog, I would definitely cover this topic. Let me tell you a story:

I would like to take you back to January 6, 2003. Ron and I have been living together for about 10 and a half years. We have been running the two businesses (deli and vending) for about a year and a half. It's a tremendous amount of stress: the deli is losing money constantly. The vending business profits go into keeping the deli afloat.

Since it's a State program, we don't get to close the deli. We beg, and beg, and beg. NO! They reply. A tremendous amount of tension in our relationship. He gets up early every day, walks into work by himself, and receives the deliveries. He stocks the deliveries into the vending machines, comes home, and goes to bed. He will wake up around 3-4 PM.

I get up around 8, take care of the housework and cooking; often Ron and I go to the bank to m…

Taking prisoners

If you've been reading for a while, you have seen a change. I've gone from thinking about myself and my illness to thinking about God and what He wants for my life. I've gone from pleasing myself, to trying to please God.

I am well aware that doing so makes me a target for the Bad guy. He wants me out of commission. He knows, if he can't outright attack me (such attacks seem to be forbidden for now), he can attack those I love (Ron and the root canal, still hurting), and attack my thoughts. My illness [shrug] seems to be at a pretty good happy place right now; and I don't take that for granted.

We all have our weak spots. Mine seem to be bitterness and resentment; a fierce territorialism. Some paranoia and persecution complex, especially bad when I have "cause". I think I've DEALT with the old issues, but then they come back like some cursed dandelion. It reminds me of a tree I tried to cut down several times, it kept resprouting and gettting…

Passing the torch

Today was just WIERD. Nothing like yesterday (thankyouJesus!) - just really different from my usual day.

I rode with "Tina" again, I love her to death, she is a very good driver and very friendly, but completely brainwashed into the low-fat thinking. She proudly showed me the fruit she brought to work, because she is doing an "all fruit" thing now. I didn't have the heart to tell her that those are some of the most pesticide-laden fruits available and they would probably harm her health in the long run. I think she may need to meet another low-carber before she "gets" it.

As I got out, I told her, I eat a POUND of GREASY red meat every day, and I'm healthy. I just avoid trash carbs and all forms of sugar. Her eyes bugged out. Maybe next time she might be willing to listen; in the meantime she is absolutely convinced I have eaten some kind of secret, low-fat plan that I'm not sharing! Any diet plan would freak out over the amount of die…

Pops and Goldie

While we were at the dentist, I was teasing Ron, calling him "Pops" - reminding him of the old man who thought Ron was my Dad. Ron countered with "Goldie", short for "Gold-digger" - how he made me LOOK to the old man because his pride was offended. We kept bantering back and forth all afternoon and evening, in a loving way.

Dentist said Ron had an abcess and needed a root canal. Let's just say, that was well over a mortgage payment. Ouch. I hung out with him because he gets bored and lonely, and I actually like the dentist. Besides, I used to have a horrible dental phobia (I had some bad extractions to make room for braces when aged 12). I don't want to be a fearful person and hanging out in the office,w hen I'm not in the chair, is a good way to do it. That took a while, we had to put the ride on hold.

Afterward, Ron had his prescriptions. He was starting to hurt pretty bad so we went to Walmart to fill them. While waiting, I bought…
Ron - root canal.
Ron - root canal.

"You know this is an attack, don't you?"

I can only recount the last 24 hours by frying my brain with heavy metal. It has been WILD.

Last night, I left the cat door open. If I wanted my God Time I would have to get up at about 4:30 AM. Unfortunately, I forgot about the door hook. I had rearranged things and hung one on the main bathroom door. Ron bangs the bathroom door in such a way that the door hook makes a loud, resounding CLANG. I had noted it during the migraine but other things distracted me. One of the first things I did when I got up was move the hook! [laugh]

Every time he got up (at least several times, he had some kind of GI virus this weekend), CLANG woke me up. Then, just to add to the excitement, loud squealing and squeaking. Yup, another mouse. All night long I heard the poor thing.

[loud, prolonged groan] So I got basically NO sleep. First thing when I got up was disposing of the poor terrorized thing (still alive). I got an old box and a newspaper, another good squeal and then put it out in the…

BECAUSE, that's why!

I used to pester my Dad all the time, "Why, Daddy, why?" If he could give me the answer, he would. Otherwise he'd respond "BECAUSE, that's why!" Today is a good example of "because" in action.

I had a ghastly migraine yesterday, so we made no trips for today. I had no Diet Dr Pepper; a big crisis for me. This morning, BECAUSE I had no trips, I had to ride the bus if I wanted soda. I brought my candy, I always do.

I felt OK to take the 10:30 bus, BECAUSE I did, I handed out candy to 3 people on the bus. BECAUSE I finally got my appetite back during the ride, I handed out 4 more bags of candy to the people at the fast food place. BECAUSE one of the recipients was also hungry, I ended up giving him 3 more Bibles/candy for "his kids".

BECAUSE I still wanted my soda, I went to Foodtown. I handed out 2 more bags as I checked out, but BECAUSE I forgot to pay for the peanut butter I had to get BACK in line, a different line, and hand o…