Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pot-Hole

Last night, I left you as I was going to help Ron appraise and make temporary repairs to the holes in the fence - caused by the neighbor's exuberant, escapist, dog.  We managed to make temporary repairs and I had a pretty good time.  Ron and I decided the best course of action was plywood, screwed to the upright fence posts, on our side. 

I left a 2x4 on top of a broken horizontal strut - more on that later.  The neighbors came home and heard us working and screwing away.  They have seen a lot of Ron as he's repeatedly gone over to ask them to please secure the dog and repair the damages to our fence.

We just worked, and didn't say anything.  Their dog had gotten out of their yard yesterday and the kid had to chase it all over the place, again.  She kept trying to push through the fence as we worked. 

I have gotten rather creative; I'll post photos, but I have various improvised patches.  The most common is a piece of plywood, braced against the fence, with... something.  Perhaps a cinderblock; a large plant pot, and the wheelbarrow.  A bag of mulch, etc. 

So, we measured the worst sections of fence and evaluated the needs.  We determined a 4x7 foot patch would cover the main fence body, with an additional 1x7 segment across the bottom.  5 feet high is plenty of coverage.  We want to keep intruders, and prying eyes, out of the yard. 

Problem solved.  We picked up the tools and went into the house.  Pretty soon, I heard odd noises.  Dragging sounds.  Hammering. 

The man was apparently embarrassed the blind cripple was repairing the fence.  He nailed my "brace" into place, and tacked a 6 inch wide board across the hole.  Wow.  6 inches out of 70 feet, fixed!  [laugh]   Really funny, he split the board. 

Exhausted, he went into the house.  We knew OUR fence was dog proofed, at least for the night, but I knew the boards on the other side of their yard were equally old, brittle, and loose.  I figured the dog would get out on that side. 

I was right.  A joyous bark greeted me as I got up and turned on the kitchen light.  Yes, the dog was on the porch, again, sitting in the chair. 

I did my morning stuff and got ready for the day.  When we left the house, the dog was gone.  It's 8 PM and she's STILL gone.  I suspect someone said "If that dog gets out one more time" - and she did.  A few possibilities.  Since the family does not seem concerned, I think they got rid of her. 

Ron is upset.  He had a love/hate relationship with the dog.  He loved the adoration; hated the barking and invasion of our property. 

All I know is she's gone and we had NOTHING to do with it.  Good.  I am selfish enough to hope she stays gone. 

When we got to work, I discovered someone had attempted to break into our stockroom.  I reported it, then helped Ron.  I fixed the coffee machine, but another machine is acting up so we plan to have the guy out to look at them both, anyway.  Ron is really impressed the soda machine continues to hum smoothly.  I fixed it last week. 

Our friend Chuck met us at work.  I was kind of dopey but Chuck was very kind. 

First, we went home and measured the worst sections of fence (we didn't see the dog, but didn't know she was gone - at any rate we still need to fix the holes).  I named them after the props I used to hold the wood in place.  "Pot-hole is 78 inches wide, Wheelbarrow hole is 80".  We went out to Burger King and had a great meal. 

Then, Home Depot.  I found some good plywood at $7 for a 4X8 foot, by half-inch, board.  We got 4 boards and had them all cut to specs.  We have some nice leftovers. 

I got another "paint cup", as I planned (and did) weatherproof the boards.  We also got a 5-quart bucket for the cat - he loves to drink out of a bucket but his old one is pretty battered.  Ron fell on it. 

We were pestered by a man who kept wanting to "help" us.  At one point, Ron got out of the pickup to stretch and walked towards the man as he loitered.  Either that, or the kissy noises Chuck and I kept making at Ron, scared the man and he left. 

We took the wood home and put it up in the backyard.  Ron was having a bad neuropathy day and said he had to lay down.  Chuck knew I needed to go to Walmart and offered to take me while Ron rested. 

We did that and I got everything I needed.  We also got 2 plastic chairs for the backyard.  Ron and I had a nice time sitting out back; I weatherproofed the boards and we chatted. 

It was so peaceful. 

Beer for his horses

Today has got to be broken into two sections.  First, the song.  I have a decent amount of international readers, so I'll post a link with lyrics. 



OK.  Why is Ron listening to this? 

Someone tried to break into our stockroom last night.  Let me show you a photo of our stockroom door:

From November, 2009

You'll notice the padlock and hasp.  The door has a keylock, but we had problems.  Sure the door had a keylock but everyone had keys.  One guy even opened every door we had using his keyring.  Once we installed the hasps and padlocks, (we have 2 stockrooms), suddenly we had SO MUCH MORE INVENTORY.  A manager has a copy of the padlock key. 

Today I came in and noticed tool marks all over the door.  The hasp was bent and the "padlock holder" had been partially pulled out of the door.  I had to tighten a couple of screws, significantly.  The whole works looks warped - like someone tried to break in! 

I was furious, angrier than when I got mugged.  It's one thing to try to take something away from me, I don't APPEAR damaged.  But to ROB a blind man in a wheelchair!  A man WORKING for a living, just trying to support himself and his wife... oh, I boiled. 

I told Ron.  That prompted the frame of mind that led to his song choice.  He was upset. 

I was very angry, but I was able to hand it over to God pretty quickly and have a good day.  It was pretty funny, though. 

I called the office at work.  They said they couldn't transfer me to the Postal Inspectors, who have an office right in our building.  She kept asking what happened - I told her repeatedly. 

She gave me a number that rang in El Paso - I reported the attempted burglary again, and got to tell them that yes, we have a room on  Postal Property, and ONLY a Postal Worker could have done this.  I explained my husband is the blind vendor in the wheelchair.  Steve was very nice about it and said he would refer the case to our local Postal Inspector.  The ones in my very building. 

[rolleyes]  Yeah.  Later on, I got a call from the Inspector.  She knows us, and was pretty outraged.  She was especially interested to hear about the tool marks all over two doors. 

I wrote up a note and left it on our door: God is watching you.  Inventory owned by a blind man in a wheelchair.

I almost feel sorry for the burglar.  Even if they had gotten into the room, all we have are a limited selection of chips and some soda.  I stock all the candy and cookies directly into the machines, and cash is NEVER kept in the stockroom. 

They make at least $12 an hour, if a "Casual" employee.  The career employees make about $40,000 a year.  They get benefits.  They're going to throw it all away for what? 

Pathetic. 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Turning it over to God

When Ron and I call Yellow Cab, and the cab is nearby, the driver pushes the "Callout" button. 
Our phone rings.  "This is the Yellow Cab computer, your cab is outside" 

Right now, the dog is outside.  Again.  Like I've said, it's an old fence and it's not hard for an active young dog to knock off a board and worm through. 

I finally prayed about it and decided to turn it over to God.  I can allow myself to get upset about this; getting angrier, or I can calmly accept the fact that the God who made the Universe can take care of the dog problem. 

It IS very annoying.  We called the dog catcher.  The dog was in our yard all night.  Knocked another board loose.  But guess what?  When the pound came by the dog stayed in her yard.  She keeps camping out on the porch and refusing to leave.  I chase her off, she comes back.  It's embarrassing.  I don't want people to think it's my dog - it's not. 

If I wanted a dog, I'd have one.  I don't want a dog.  She is certainly devoted but not what I want. 

I know most of it is not really directed at the dog; but concerns about other things in my life I'm just "pointing" at her.  It's easier, and safer, to be angrier at the dog, than to worry about lousy sales, the malfunctioning coffee machine, Ron's drinking, etc. 

I have to turn it over to God, again.  Even when my repeated requests for the people next door to SECURE THEIR DOG are given the finger, when Ron and I have to resort to demanding the homeowner repair the broken fence, the dog is on the porch AGAIN and all I want to do is start screaming and never, ever, stop - I've got to turn it over to Him. 

I think in a lot of ways it is "easier" for me to turn over something like a major health crisis in a loved one, than it is to turn over things like worries about our sales and the ongoing dog annoyances.  My life is very good in so many ways.  My medication is so affordable now.  God is using me. 

Even Ron and I are talking more.  He's commented that our communication has improved dramatically - and I give God the credit.  I was just smart enough to ask Him to help us to understand each other better and to have better communication.  I feel a little foolish I didn't do this years ago. 

And I'm sure, eventually, I will feel a little foolish as I see how everything worked out.  God has all of this under control, and He is allowing it to make me a stronger person. 

It's easier, I think, for me to be strong during a major crisis: a major health problem, a depression, or a nasty mixed episode.  Even the psychotic stuff is pretty easy to turn over to God - it's so OVERWHELMING I have no choice; I know immediately, like answering a phone, "God, it's for You!" 

Something like finances, and who doesn't have a financial concern?  I just thank God we don't have a car.  Even more expenses!  Yes, the bus broke down one day but I only spent an hour waiting; not money. 

Anyway, I feel like a financial issue; that's something I should be strong and carry on my own.  I shouldn't have to take it to God, because I already know He has it.  Does that make sense? 

I am ashamed I am worried about money.  God has always taken care of me, and I feel so ungrateful telling him "I'm scared".  The God who made me already knows how I feel, and typing it out - it doesn't sound very logical at all, does it? 

I need to go, Ron's awake and we need to make another fence repair. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What did I do today? I shouldn't be out in public!

So, what DID I do today?  It was my day off, and unlike last week, I didn't have a migraine.  I woke up with a mild headache (part of the side effect package).  A single asprin with a glass of milk seemed to do the trick. 

I had asked Ron to drop me off at Starbucks.  I am not welcome any more at the gas station near the Starbucks; a result of trying to give the owner a bag of candy with "The Amazing Life of Jesus" scripture booklet.  He got pretty apoplectic.  I'm not going back; he scared me and I have no Holy Spirit "Push" to go, either. 

As a result of the drama (rolleyes - I hate drama, love predictable), I brought a 4 pack of Diet Dr Pepper bottles.  I didn't have time to finish bagging up my driver candy, which resulted in mad grabs for handfuls of candy, baggies, and scripture booklets as the driver pulled up.  I stuffed them all into a gallon baggie and headed out. 

It was J, a nice guy.  We happily had a straight trip.  Ron got a snack and a drink; he was feeling fat so he went with the lowfat sugarfree drink, plus 5 splendas.  [grin] 

We had plenty of time to talk as I charged my cell phone on their wall outlet (forgot to plug it in last night), and bagged up the candy.  I had a couple handfuls of leftovers, and gave them to the baristas.  They were happy. 

People really seem to ENJOY the candy I select.  I'm glad they do.  I want people to savor their way through the whole bag. 

I am still currently working with non-melty candies, as it got pretty warm today (upper 80's).  In fact, I wore my jeans.  I did yesterday, and both days I got comments. 

I realize different people have different triggers for sin, so I am taking that into consideration.  I like my legs.  They are "short" by pant manufacturer standards, but they work well.  I suspect, if I didn't have FAS, I would have been taller and had longer legs.  But I'm in this body, and it's my home.  I do my best to take care of it. 

I have pretty stocky, thick calves.  They do the job and get me around.   Good legs.  Anyway, everyone seemed to notice I had moved out of the capris/long hemmed warmup pants (I try to go by my old High School dress code of 2 inches within the knee when standing), and into the jeans. 

I like the jeans.  I got them last week.  They are a dark wash blue in a pretty traditional cut.  They fit well and I don't think about them.  Good.  I am certainly not fussy regarding my clothes! 

I wore a "Jesus" theme t-shirt and my comfortable sneakers.  They are a cross between a work boot and a sneaker, and I got 2 pair for $24 a few weeks ago.  Money well spent.  God really does take care of all my needs. 

I had planned to go to a store and buy some Now and Later candies for my favorite Christian bookstore.  They were out.  What about the big tubs of bubble gum?  Thinking on it now, not the most professional thing, a bunch of gum chewing Christians.  [laugh]  They didn't have the "Good" flavor variety bucket, so I said no. 

I saw a Dr Pepper repairman as I bought a soda (not at "Hatey's" shop).  He is a nice guy and I like him. 

Ron called me.  Sales were lousy last month.  Personally, I think everyone is hurting.  Who isn't?  Look at the tenants the neighbor took, just to get some money! 

My medication was affecting me pretty strongly.  I didn't feel like my brain and my body were talking; and I felt like half my brain was in cold storage.  I was VERY careful, but as I got around I couldn't help but think "I shouldn't be out in public". 
Happily, the uncoordinated zombie nausea thing eventually passed, like it always does.  It's a lot easier than being sick, and haven't I typed it out a million times:  God allowed my bipolar disorder to get so severe, so I'd be responsible about my medication.

Anyway, I did sit down for a while at the bookstore.  They said I seemed very subdued, I was, but happily not depressed.  Even sitting there feeling like I was about to fall over/vomit; it was still better than being victimized by my own brain.  Thank you God. 

They enjoyed hearing all the details of the Big Bible Handout, Ron in the chair, etc. 

I wobbled off to a craft store.  They had some cute wool yarn, in a multicolor.  I have a policy (now): I don't buy unless I can visualize a project I will complete in short order.  I thought about Mom's project, and the one for my aunt.  The leftover project I will most likely complete with their "leftover" yarn.  Cindy's fingerless gloves... and figured, you know what?  This yarn can wait.  I put it back in the basket. 

Two panhandling alcoholics occupied the entire bus bench.  Nice.  I was mildly annoyed.  The woman kept staring at me. 

When I was a kid, I stared at people.  My parents always used to tell me "Don't stare, it's not polite and it might upset someone."  As a person with mental illness, I can confirm that: staring bothers me. 

Oddly, I don't care if someone watches me knit/crochet.  I can work with an audience, and even demonstrate for the observer.  I don't care if someone stares during a Bible handout, or at work; but when I'm off the clock so to speak I can find it annoying.  Especially when I'm "ill". 

I got positively rabid for a while after Ron's horrendous setback back in 2008 - he had to go back to the wheelchair.  Let me tell you, a blind man in a wheelchair attracts a lot of attention.  I can use it in a Big Bible Handout, but at that point and time I was distraught and fairly hostile to staring. 

As I got through the grieving process; questions you never think you'll ask "Would you rather have your flavors, or turn off the nerve disease?"  "Flavors".  Well, he got his wish.  He can taste his food, and endures painful nerve disease. 

I see myself as on the pretty side of "average" in appearance.  "Overweight" but actually OK with it.  I don't want to gain, would like to lose, but I'm not going to invest a lot of energy into it.  I have a pretty cute, average hairstyle, natural colors, generally never any makeup.  I prefer an oversized t-shirt with my jeans, and a pair of sneakers.  Like I said, pretty average, yet occasionally people just stare at me like I'm fascinating. 

In this case, I think she was trying to evaluate my potential as a "donor".  For a woman carrying a "Homeless" sign, her hair was remarkably clean and well tended, her clothing pressed and clean, and pretty nice shoes.  They probably live in a residental motel.  I felt no leading to give her anything. 

I read my book until her bus arrived, then sat down and read my book until my bus came.  Steve was driving.  I like him, he's a good guy, a Christian.  I got off at "my" stop, still feeling pretty wobbly.  I went to the other Christian bookstore and got a clearance book on cults, and some bookmarks. 

Occasionally, I will encounter someone who has questions about the other guys.  I am a very overt Christian.  In fact, the other day, a woman asked me for a Bible.  I was happy to provide.  I wonder if I'm "Bible Lady" or "Candy Lady" probably the latter. 

I walked past the office supply store, regretting the fact that I'd forgotten my master sheets for "Where to Look in the New Testament" - I gave the majority of my supply out on Saturday!  

Generally God leads me to Bibles, candy, or both.  Mainly it has been candy with scripture booklets; fine with me.  Most of the New Testaments go to the handouts recently, but I always carry a few in case someone walks up and wants a Bible.   So I'll be fine. 

I considered yet another yarn shop, but mentally reviewed my project list again.  No, I'm fine. 

I did go to Favorite Dollar.  I love that store.  Love, love, love it. 

I was pretty wobbly, but had fun.  I got some cling-ons for the vending machines.  I got a very nice compliment last year "I feel like humans work here".  Last year, Ron and I strung battery operated Christmas lights on his wheelchair.  I was told he had the only Christmas lights in the whole building.  People loved the sight of festive Ron rolling towards them in the wheelchair, wearing his elf hat with the jingle bell. 

I like doing something seasonal.  I had an inflatable beach ball and paper flowers on the machines for the summer time, now I have an inflatable spider and some cling-ons.  Mainly happy skeletons. 

Many of the Halloween decorations are pretty gruesome, I don't want that effect.  More of a "Trick or Treat" theme.  Ron and I discussed making a fake candy bar for the spider to "eat".  I want people to feel welcomed and relaxed, even if they don't buy anything. 

I really enjoy my work, and the latitude I'm given.  Ron did say I "couldn't" put up anything harvest or Halloweeny [grin] until the end of September.  I listened. 

I started one phone call with "Is it OK if I put an inflatable spider on top of soda 4?"  I got a look from another customer. 

I spoiled all the employees and got some various candy, batteries - the Dollar Store batteries are excellent in my MP3 player, some rope for Ron (he wants me to use it in the yard), and such.  Since I couldn't go to the convenience store, I bought some store brand diet cola.  It isn't bad.  I'm finishing the last can now. 

I called Ron and found out the bus would be leaving in 15 minutes.  I headed over to the stop and caught it.  I had a good transfer to get home. 

I was pretty annoyed that the dog had gotten out again, and the owners were doing nothing to prevent it.  In fact, they actually moved something so the dog could get into our yard. 

I was energetic enough that I mowed the yard - which had a rather exciting aspect as you'll read in the other post.  [rolleyes]  I want boring.  One day I hope to get it! 

More Dog Drama

For my spammers:
耶稣爱你!(Jesus loves you!)

Well, that was interesting.  I was just attacked in my own yard, by the dog next door. 

They had blocked off a loose board in the fence (I can't fix it from my side) and allowed the dog to roam loose today.  When I got home, I decided to mow the yard. 

As I mowed the yard, the dog charged me repeatedly.  I had to get a stick and whack it everytime it tried to bite the lawnmower, as I pushed it.  Almost bit me at one point. 

So, when Ron said he was calling Animal Control, who will be by tomorrow, I agreed.  I am sick of these dog dramas. 

We live in a fairly large subdivision, many, many homes.  Only ONE dog roaming loose and barking constantly... and attacking ME in MY OWN YARD.

I couldn't make this up.

Sadly, this is all true.  Union election time is here. 

A union official was arrested and charged - BY THE UNION, with 20 counts of fraud and embezzlement charges of over $13,000.  He is campaigning to be re-elected.  "A Proven Record of Service" is his tagline. 

Someone wrote "CRIMINAL" across the top of the flyer.  Someone else wrote "NOT convicted".  [groan]  THE UNION FILED CHARGES ON THE MAN. 

Not only that, good old Princess is running again.  I'll call her that.  She has some and gone on various slates like "Team Leadership".  From what I've seen (as a freelance vendor), I would probably not vote for her.  Anyway, she did her usual flyer, look at how I've served.  Someone is walking around putting stickers "DOES NOT WORK FOR USPS - RETIRED" on her flyers, and someone else designed a horrific campaign poster featuring a large roach crawling over her name, and a big "NO" sign on top. 

Of course, years ago, we had the guy who said "Oh, yeah, I hit my supervisor but I was tricked into it."  What?  And you are still working here?   Yes, he was running for office.... after that. 

A pebble in my shoe

It seems, in my life, I'm destined to have some kind of issue with the gray house.  [laugh]  When we first moved in, the homeowner's wife said I had to stop the cat from looking at her, or she'd kill him.  A teacher... said this.  I reminded her that harming an animal is a felony, she just made a threat.  She also had to watch Ron fall down in front of the house before she stopped parking in front of our yard.  They have a huge driveway.  I have seen 4 cars... and they only had two! 

Then the moved out and the first renters moved in.  They were actually OK, if you disregard the young men losing their ball over the fence and coming after it.  Ron and I were OK with that, until someone warned me it was a liability issue.  Not only that, I caught them looking in our windows more than once.  We use curtains and blinds, but I didn't appreciate some kid I don't even know, staring in my window, then looking at me with no shame and saying "You have a lot of books".  We started running the kids out of the yard, and they'd just go in without permission.  They got furtive, is all.  They got robbed, that was the end for them - off they went. 

Then it was the family with the special needs boy (he was not very delayed but socially he was several years behind his age - possibly FAS like me).  He was always over at our house, wanting to play with the cat, just wandering around in our yard.  He kept throwing his ball over the fence and asking me to get it one night, until my husband went over there and said "Do you know your son is knocking on our door at 8 PM?"  They kept him contained after that - I didn't dislike the kid but he had no concept of property lines.  And he was slow enough that I could see him badly hurting himself chasing the cat or something.  Their other boys continued the policy of yard invasions.  They moved out right before the hurricane. 

The last ones were a treat!  Not only did they rip boards off the fence, making a "doorway" between the two yards, they climbed on the gate repeatedly and broke it.  Their 13 year old daughter's "boyfreind" left used condoms in ziptop baggies thrown into our yard.  It reminded me of living next to the crack house.  I saw used condoms everywhere.  Not only that, the guy was using her, in his car, in the driveway, while the father was home!  What kind of Father... [shaking head in despair].  Also had the looking-in-the-windows issues and the older boy was very antisocial. 

Their middle boy was hit in the face by the same guy who mugged me.  I was glad, hearing that, that I had beaten my mugger.  They moved out at the end of the school year. 

This family is better in a lot of regards.  They don't live the "thug life" - that's apparent.  The wife/mom is pretty high-maintanence appearing.  The girls, 3 of them, seem well-adjusted and polite.  I haven't caught any humans in the yard, and the disreputable boys in the subdivision aren't coming over to "play" and destroy my fence. 

Fences are not cheap.  Anyway, yes, their dog is damaging the fence.  Yes, they refuse to make even a minor repair, with supplies my husband provided.  [shrug]  Yes, their dog runs loose all over the neighborhood, including our yard, but I think I have solved that somewhat.  Yes, the dog barks constantly at night, but when Ron called the police they locked her up somehow and made it stop. 

That house is just a pebble in my shoe.  I guess it will always be "something" going on next door, some kind of needless drama, but it's sure made me appreciate all the other, wonderful, houses around.  I'd hardly know they were habited, the people are so quiet, and when the dogs in the other houses broke the fence, the owners made immediate and permanent repairs.  Thank you, neighbors, I love you. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

"God's Dog"

Last night as I lay in bed, I had a thought.  I want to confine the neighbor's dog so it stays off our property, and doesn't get hit by a car.  I want the method of confinement to be available whenever she gets out.  Why not buy a chain with a padlock? 

The house has a large tree; the chain could be run around the tree and padlocked (so the tenants can't remove it), then, when the dog gets out, clip her to the chain.  She's confined, IN THEIR YARD.   Our front yards, in the subdivision, are not fenced. 

That's exactly what I did, and sure enough, as I got out of the vehicle I saw the dog on our porch, again.  I opened the chain (I think 15 feet is plenty) and secured it to the tree.  Doggie went on the end of the chain.  I found it sad that the tenants can't be bothered to do a single thing for this dog. 

So far, so good.  I don't hate the dog, I just want it off my property.  I don't want the liability and the fecal issues, either. 

Speaking of, last night was difficult.  I needed to be in bed by 6.  Ron was drunk and decided I was "mean" because I refused to fill up a water bowl for the dog.  "It's not our dog, Ron.  If I wanted a dog, and I don't, I wouldn't pick her.  I have enough on my plate without an escape artist, fence-destroying, car-chaser, barking dog."  I just KNOW this dog's story will end badly.  She runs out into the street (when off the chain) after cars, directly into the path of oncoming traffic. 

Ron and I have asked, nicely and not so nicely, for the tenants to please SECURE THE ANIMAL and REPAIR THE DAMAGE.  They laugh at us. 

Anyway, Ron was shouting at me.  Got my temper up.  I didn't shout back, I just told him "It's not your dog!"  Ron decided he had to care for "God's dog" by dragging a bucket outside and filling it with water.  It took forever.  It made a tremendous racket. 

Then I got to listen to hours of Ron going in and out the front door.  Giving the dog treats, getting more wine, etc.  Ugh.  Exhausting.  Somewhere in there I had my "chain" revelation. 

I tried to be positive, thanking God for my blessings.  Thanking God for the fact that I HAD gotten a nap earlier.  More racket.  Ron told me later he took a piece of plywood out of the garage, went next door "Rung the doorbell 20 times" and then left the wood propped against the door.  He had persistently told me that perhaps they couldn't get any wood to repair one of the many dog holes in our fence. 

I have tried to tell him, with an SUV, a pickup truck, and an old style van, I think they can get over to the Home Improvement store.  It's only 5 minutes up the road.  They just don't WANT to take care of the dog. 

I think they secretly hope it is hit by a car, or runs away.  After a few hours of noise it got ominously silent.  I worried that maybe Ron had fallen outside and needed help.  I got up and walked towards the front door, and Ron was outside, in his chair, with the dog in his lap.  Agh. 

I went back to bed and somewhere around 10 I fell asleep.  I woke up at 2.  Had to get ready for work.  It took me about 20 minutes to get my head into a happy place where I was willing to do my God Time and not resentful or hateful.  I did my God Time.  I did up Driver Candy.  I prepared my breakfast.  I woke Ron up. 

For a man who'd gotten the same amount of sleep, he seemed disgustingly spry.  I tried to explain he had woken me up, but was met with fierce denials.  "You woke me up - No I didn't!"  I just gave up.  God will show him one day.  Some battles I have to give to God. 

We picked up someone on the way to work.  She was going to dialysis.  They always seem so miserable.  I have reached a conclusion.  If my kidneys fail, I do not want dialysis.  Odds are I would not be eligible for a kidney transplant anyway, having mental illness.  I would not be interested in prolonging my life and being dependent on machines.  So, no dialysis. 

I have also decided I do not want any radiation treatments.  I have heard horrible things about radiation, how people suffer.  Or I could go to Jesus?  Not a tough call. 

Unless God paints it in the sky, I would not fight very hard for my life.  I feel I have done what He has assigned, and "Look forward to my exit" to quote the Ambassador ("Gimmie Dat"). 

Deep thoughts at 4 AM, huh?  So, we got to work.  Ron and I talked a little about Romeo.  Short version, he seems to be battling a major depression.  Rather than get any assistance from (our) vending, he is forcing his employees to do extra work. 

Ron said "You used to be good friends.   Did the pass bother you that much?"  No, I explained.  I understood that.  What "freaked me out" for lack of a better term, was the stalking behavior afterward.  I had to get my husband to tell him to leave me alone.  He was pushing his way into my stockroom and shouting at me.  Ron had to warn him he could lose his business if this got out!   Then he stopped, finally, now it's just this petty vengence crap. 

Does the man have nothing better to do with his life?  It's alarming, disturbing, and very sad.  I'm glad I have God, and know God is protecting me.  That man concerns me. 

{shudder]  Happily, I can avoid him.  He's blind, I'm not.  I also have my pepper spray should the worst happen. 

Work went pretty well.  Sales seem to be picking up somewhat; and I noticed they are calling a lot of overtime.  People who pack a lunch for an 8-hour shift often work an extra 4.  They get hungry.  [wink] 

Our vending machines say "Thank you for supporting Ron and Heather" and two of the 3 shifts see Ron and I stocking the machines.  I think some of our regulars buy snacks just to help us out.  So, God is good. 

Ron still has to pay the "Blood Insurance" (Flood Insurance - the leeches want $970; not optional per our mortgage), but other than that things are good.  The new food items we introduced are popular; and we had a good day at work. 

After work, we went to Walmart.  I made a small deposit and Ron turned in his prescription for some psoriasis cream.  He is flaking pretty badly.  I had horrific hot flashes and nausea all day; I just got some soda.  Ron asked me if I wanted a sausage on a stick and I almost vomited. 

Ugh.  I did manage to eat a few bunless burgers, and the nausea abated.  I don't get that.  I eat, the nausea goes away.  You would think it would get worse!  Oh, well. 

I told Ron, no question in my mind: I will take physical "illness" over mental anyday.  I signed up for side effects, and I thank God I have them. 

Today went very well, in no small part due to my medication.  I am thrilled God put the idea for the dog chain in my head.  They can't get rid of it without bolt cutters, and now I can confine the dog properly whenever she gets out. 

They have little girls; I think they would take better care of the dog for them, if nothing else.  It would destroy a little girl to find her dog dying in the street as she got off the schoolbus! 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Ron thinks I'm evil

Ron thinks I'm evil but I don't care.  The people who live next door moved out after we got burgled several years ago.  They rent the house now.  It has been a sucession of bad tenants, and the last one looks to be the worst. 

They have a dog.  The fence between our yards is a very old, brittle wood.  It has been previously damaged by aforementioned former bad tenants.  Their little boys thought it was "fun" to rip boards off the fence and crawl through "The Hole", snooping around and looking into my windows.  I caught one of them in my backyard and asked what he thought he was doing.  It is fenced on all sides, with a latched gate. 

"Oh, I wanted to see if you wanted me to mow your yard."  I told him not now, not EVER.  He wanted $20 to do the front, only, and had no explanation for why I had caught him peering into my window.  I ran him off. 

So, it seems every tenant has done yet more damage to the fence.  The last tenant has girls, and a dog.  The dog is very active.  They apparently looked at the elderly fence and thought "That'll hold her".  No way.  The dog is constantly worming into our yard, knocking yet more boards off the fence, and defecating all over the place. 

It got out again.  I went out and fixed it.  Ron tried to talk to the owners.  They don't care.  He is very upset because she is a car chaser.  "We need to lock her up in our yard".  No, we don't. 

If he bothered to ASK me, I'd tell him "I don't want a dog.  I don't want the hassles and responsibilities.  If you want a dog, I'm moving out.  I have enough problems in my life already." 

Instead, he is constantly encouraging the dog everytime she gets out.  Petting, treats, etc.  Then he tries to lock her into OUR yard.  No, that is not happening. 

It's not our dog.  It's not our responsibility.  Ron has tried to talk to the owners on several occasions, and they can't be bothered to come get her.  They don't care. 

They don't care if she runs around in public and gets hit by a car.  They won't fix the fence or put her on a chain so she can't escape. 

So, if the dog gets into my yard, I'm unlocking the gate.  If the dog's in my yard, it's my legal responsibility.  I don't want that responsibility.  We haven't even had the cat vaccinated, now we add more vet bills?  I don't think so . 

When Ron's drunk he has all these wild ideas about how he can "fix" the backyard so the dog will be secure.  The honest truth?  The kind of serious repair required would cost us hundreds, if not a thousand dollars.  That's money we don't have.  For a cheap fence repair, $15 a linear foot.  That means the shared fence with next door is at least a thousand dollar repair.  That's not counting the back fence, which is fine but not for an active escaping dog. 

It's not our dog.  I feel sorry for the animal, but it's not my problem.

Edited to add: She is also ripping boards off the fence between her yard and a very busy street.  I do not give her a long life expectancy.  It is very sad how the girls refer to the dog as "mine" yet their Dad can't be bothered to hammer a couple of boards up on the fence. 

Ron vs. The Toilet

I got a nasty headache today; I guess eating that pizza topping was a bad idea.  Ron and I had a nice quiet day together, we went to Burger King, ate, and came home. 

I took a long nap, spent some time on "my" message boards, and plan to organize my laundry.  I have a lot of clean clothes that I need to put away. 

I also need to do my God Time and eat some dinner.  All in all, a nice quiet day. 

Tomorrow we go to work, then Walmart (we need a part to fix the toilet), and then home again.  Then toilet surgery, most likely.  Should be interesting.  In a matchup of Ron vs. toilet I think Ron will win. 

Oh, and I also managed to do some knitting, too.  Yay. 

Saturday, September 25, 2010

"This is how God gets things done"

Months ago, I was walking to a gas station.  I approached a busy intersection of a freeway and a very busy street, about 8 lanes in each direction.  At the median by the left turn lane, two affluent looking women were panhandling, sticking a big plastic jar into car windows for "donations".  I was disgusted, and as I crossed the street I heard one tell another "This is how God gets things done." 

Oh, it enraged me.  Yeah, and all the people you shoved the jar at, I'm sure doing that led them to Jesus and a deeper understanding of salvation.  They just saw you and YOUR God as an excuse to beg for money.  If Jesus wants money, why not skip the professional hair dye job and do it at home?  Give the balance to Him. 

Oh, it made me boil.  Still does. 

Today, I left the house with a huge tote bag filled with 95 "Invitation" New Testaments, 5 "Vida en Jesus" (Spanish) New Testaments, and 5 kiddie New Testaments.  I had a large "Free Bibles" sign and a smaller one for Ron, scroll down to see it.  I had a stainless steel 16 inch wide manual wheelchair, my Driver Candy, 5 bottles of Diet Dr Pepper, and a single-serving sized portion cup of ice cream and a plastic spoon for the driver. 

He gaped.  I explained, and gave him a New Testament Driver candy (NT in a bag with candy).  He took it.  He was Muslim. 

He unloaded us and watched as I got Ron up on the median and settled him in the wheelchair with HIS Free Bibles sign, and pulled out my tote bag with about 70 New Testaments and my sign. 

Anonymous, I would love video or photos, but I'll have to leave that up to God.  I worry a camera might scare the recipients. 

I unfurled the sign and began the walk up and down the median strip.  Ron waved his sign cheerfully and angled it so all traffic could see it. 

The first 10 minutes were pretty dry... but then it picked up.  The kiddie NT's were HUGELY popular.  "Here's something for your little girl!"  People didn't know what to make of us. 

They'd pull up and gape at me in my neon pink t-shirt and capris.  There's a blind man in a wheelchair with his own sign.  She cheerfully grins and points at the "Free" portion of the sign.  Why not?  A window rolls down.  "How many?"  Oh, I get more than one?  Thanks! 

My favorite was the vanload of seniors off to a program.  Several of the seniors spotted my sign and were obviously agitating for the driver to roll down a window.  I reached in my sack and got a huge stack, passing it in.  Everyone got a Bible and they all waved joyfully as the van accelerated with the light change. 

I had a gangster for Jesus - wearing a Jesus hat!  He waved at me and commended me.  People were a little leery but happy to get the Bibles. 

One guy pulled up and started laughing.  "Free Bibles?"  I handed him two, one for him and his companion.  "Thanks!  I'll read it!" 

Others seemed worried I was a scam, I assured everyone "No strings, just free Bibles"  I told people to put their money away and please take a Bible!  [laugh]  God has taken care of me. 

I had fun with the Metrolift driver, I waved my sign at her and bounced up and down.  She laughed as she accepted one and yelled Hi at Ron. 

Ron had a great time waving the sign and listening to me.  He worried about the honking, until I told him "Some people get so into reading the Bible they miss the light change."  One woman, upon reviewing her Bible, liked it so much she came back around and asked for more. 

Pretty soon I was down to my last Bible.  I saw a very sad faced man and was drawn to him like a magnet.  I raced over and handed it to him (he had not signalled, but he took it), as the light changed, then bounced up on the median so they couldn't "get" me. 

"Put it up, we're done!"  What?  "Put your sign away, we're out." 

THAT is how God gets things done. 

A Few in Heaven

Well, it's almost time to go.  I'm prayed up, stocked up, and even have a couple bottles of Diet Dr Pepper.  I've got Bibles in 2 languages and scripture booklets in 4.  I've asked God to lead and guide me and I'm wearing my reflective jogging vest over a VERY flourescent pink t-shirt and jeans.  Ron is wearing a non-gang-colored tshirt and black slacks. 

I've got my pills onboard and just waiting on the driver to show.  Please give me an empty corner, Lord, so I can spread your word today.  :)   Keep us safe.  Thank you!  Send me hungry people.  

I hope to meet a few  in Heaven one day. 

Friday, September 24, 2010

I'm glad I'm a mutant

Tomorrow, Ron says he is coming with me to do the handout.  I was a bit skeptical. 

Then, tonight, while I was fixing up the Bibles, I heard him on the phone bragging about my Bible Handouts.  Ron's friend kept telling him how awesome I was, how "No normal woman would have stuck around after your accident". 

"Well," I told Ron "I'm glad I'm a mutant."  God made it clear: Ron always did better with me around.  That's all I needed to know.  I just focused on loving Ron and let God carry the worries.  Even crazy I knew I had to do that... I can't imagine being the kind of woman who could walk away.  So what if he thought we lived at the home improvement store? 

I did, briefly, consider it at one point.  Ron's family had decided they would force us to give up our apartment and move in with his elderly disabled parents.  Instead of caring for 1, I'd be caring for 3.  When I objected, they said "Well, we know you won't leave him." 

Nice.  I did balk and cried all over Ron's good shoulder.  He was furious and talked his father out of the big plan.  At the time we were not legally married and I had no say in his care.  Thank God Ron talked his Dad out of the plan!  I think his family had planned on burning me out so they could stick him in a nursing home once his Medicare kicked in.  Nice people.  Happily, out of our lives now - by their own choice. 

Funny, once Ron recovered, and remembered everything they'd said in front of him - I WARNED THEM - they didn't want any contact.  If you have a loved one, or a hated one, in a coma, they do hear and understand everything you say in front of them.  I know Ron sure did. 

So, we have a trip to the corner, to hand out Bibles.  Hopefully it will be a good productive time.  Then, some fried chicken for Mr Ron and some Starbucks for me.  Sounds like a fun time. 

It's also great because my love language is "Quality time" - I will get plenty of that, and for Ron it is "Acts of Service" - for him, showing his love by helping with a handout is perfect.  If you pray, I'll take it! 

A great gift

Ron and I were talking about the power games being played with the pallet jack.  "Let's just buy our own jack" he said.  Excellent. 

I was wrong

I deleted this

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Happy Anniversary

Well, today was 18 years with Ron.  Overall, it went pretty well.  The small soda machine, not covered by our contract, died and I saved Ron a repair bill.  I also repaired a faulty bill validator.  In addition to that, I did an inventory, called in an order for delivery tomorrow, got a milk delivery, and stocked the machines, while helping Ron. 

Ron said I was a big help, and meant it.  Then we went out to lunch after work.  We had a good time; he only had one beer.  Tomorrow I have to get up at 2 AM for work. 

I am somewhat dreading it.  Romeo will be there, and his butthead employee has decided he hates me because I wore a Christian t-shirt.  Apparently, very few people across the hall are coming in to work, and act like professional human beings. 

I'm there to work.  If they are going to act like jerks, I will pray for them and take care of my business, without their help.  The fact that the guy is still making odd comments about kissing me, 3 months after he tried, is rather alarming.  I haven't been alone with him once since it happened, I don't trust him now. 

After that last comment, I think Ron finally agrees.  Anyway, I hope at least one of them acts like a grownup. 

I think one reason they stopped selling milk in their vending machines; they didn't like asking me to get it every week.  I ALWAYS cheerfully got it, but it's impossible to feel victimized when the "Bad Guy" is helping you run your business, getting your delivery, putting it into your fridge, and even propping the invoice up against the time clock.  . 

Anyway, I'm a little depressed today, not surprising.  I have to remind myself that at times, I will be depressed - and that's just life.  My husband is an alcoholic.  My Dad completely forgot my birthday.  That hurts.  I know they both love me and wouldn't choose to hurt me, but it does. 

Ron swears he is dead serious about helping me with the handout on Saturday "Can we get fried chicken after?"  [blinking]  I guess.  It certainly won't be an average day. 

I just need to get through it and move on; after I have a little fun online I will do my God Time and go to bed early. 
Ron had a bad night but I managed to get a good night's sleep. I came to some realizations, though.

Some battles Ron has to fight on his own.

The Devil is a lot bigger and meaner than me.

God is a lot stronger than the Devil.

I can't fight the Devil; I'd get crushed. But God can fight him, using me.

Now it's off to wake him up - our ride comes in 20 minutes.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Drunk again

My sister just called and I was just so resigned and negative. Drunk again. Singing outside, loudly, at the neighbor's dog "If you're happy and you know it bark your head"

Wanting to go talk to the neighbor kids, as they got off the bus, and "warn" them about the mark of the beast. It's just sad, sickening, and depressing.

I just dread him. On the one hand, I want to lay down the law and give him an ultimatium. On the other hand, I want him to end up and crisis and deal with his drinking already. Leaning more towards #2.

Just so damned tired. Don't I have enough?

That was a lot nicer than I expected


Ron had offered to help me get my New Testaments, but I couldn't do it yesterday. I told him I'd like to get them today if he didn't mind. I also said I'd like a trip to Burger King.


So, I got up this morning, we went to Starbucks, and I pushed him over to the Christian bookstore in the wheelchair. He played my music on his talking book machine with a minimum of commentary.


We got over to the store and I bought my New Testaments. I had a discount card which I used. I even got some Spanish Scripture Candy. We had a good pickup and went home.


I told Ron, I'd love to spend the day with you (he has made a concerted effort to be positive and upbeat), but you'll have to change that last trip to a wheelchair. He did that.


We took the wheelchair to Burger King. It was so nice to just LEAVE when we were done, without waiting for a ride! While eating Ron told me he would like to participate in my next handout. He wanted a sign. His only question, "I don't have to listen to your music, do I?" I assured him I don't even listen when I'm "working".


We went and had a look at Favorite Dollar, buying a few pounds of their candy mix. We looked in a craft store and didn't buy anything, then went to the Christian bookstore and got some posterboard and a giant tip sharpie permanent marker. No one really felt comfortable lettering the sign, so I asked God to help and did it myself.


Ron did not want a large sign, but something he could hold comfortably in one hand while sitting in the wheelchair. I think we did a good job.


Afterwards, we headed off to the bus stop. The bus broke down, we waited over an hour in the heat. Ron was amazingly positive and an enjoyable companion.

I realized today last years' jeans are a little tight. I have put on about 10 pounds from last year. Agh. I have a rule - if the jeans don't fit, size up. I am not going to go around bursting my seams. We went to Academy sports and I found 2 nice pair of jeans, a nice dark wash, and comfortable. I bought them.

Ron and I agreed we were a little tired of public transit by this time, so we called a subsidized cab. We pay anything over $8. It was worth it to get home.

Now we're home, and relaxing. Today was much nicer than I had hoped. :) That's a good thing.

It will also be fun to get Ron involved in a Big Bible Handout. I could use the company.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Go back to hell!

As I get deeper into evangelism and prayer warfare, I learn that it angers bad things. Just the mention of a Big Bible Handout and I am stricken with a horrible migraine.

I find it sadly amusing when someone says, oh, I had a migrane, and threw up, so I went to the hospital. [snort] Virtually every migraine involves me getting violently ill into a bucket. This one wasn't bad as they go, only 12 hours.

I did nothing other than shower, then go straight back to bed. I took a total of 2 phenergans, which helped.

It must have been the sugarfree icecream. Happily, that means I won't have one tomorrow.

I have had migraines on my birthday and they sucked. So, as I totter to my feet again, determined even more to do my handout, I have a message for the bad things:

GO BACK TO HELL. You won't stop me.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Heather the Heretic?

Some might consider this heretic; but I am convinced God uses my cat to comfort me. If you look at my slideshow, you'll see two cats. The white one was very old when he came to live with me, had 4.5 great years, and then went to Jesus. "Frosty" is one of the reasons I didn't commit suicide. Ron always saw him as "My" cat, and I knew if I died, especially by my own hand, he'd have the cat put down. I loved Frosty too much.

He would come and lay on my lap as I cried and cried. Even if I wasn't crying he'd just get up into my lap and settle down. He was wonderful, and I know he's in heaven.

Bubba (black cat) is a far more independent cat, but when I'm having a bad day I like to take a nap, if possible. I did so today. Bubba got into bed with me as soon as I lay down, curling up against my left side and staying there for hours. What a wonderful comfort.

I felt very emotionally battered this weekend. On top of the other worries, sales at work are poor. I don't know how we'll pay the flood insurance, due in 2 weeks, but God always manages something.

My mood was great, but I was pretty foggy from my medication. Hey, I wasn't manic or depressed. I was satisfied!

After work I had to take Ron to the dentist. He could have gone by himself but it would have been very difficult. Besides (shrug) I don't want to be hateful. It won't do any good to stay angry because Ron drinks.

We had a trip to Walmart, I got some ice cream and soda. Ron said he'd pay for "my" items and then told me "Happy Birthday" in a really tender tone of voice - which I found deeply alarming. This is the same guy who has literally shouted in anger everytime the birthday subject is raised. The "Nice" guy is almost as scary as the shouter.

Earlier, he told me one's birthday should be a day of sorrow and grief because they are still alive. That is sad!

We looked at cell phones, I liked the cheapest one. I found that funny. I said I am happy with mine. On Saturday, I forgot my "regular" MP3 player. I had another one Ron had given me "I don't like this one, it's not blind friendly" a while back. I had put my talking Bible files and a Christian living book onto it. I asked to borrow Ron's headphones because I was hearing really odd things on mine, then gave them back. Ron wanted to know and I explained the MP3 player was malfunctioning.

He kept insisting he needed to give me another one, and I've told him half a dozen times, it wasn't my primary device. My 1 Gigabyte (yeah, go ahead and laugh) RCA Pearl was fine, but hanging on the hook, by the door, at home.

Today he mentioned it again, and I showed him "My" player, still working fine. "I don't need another player, this one works fine" and explained the backup player was malfunctioning. In his own way, I honestly believe Ron wants to care for, protect, and provide for my needs. I think he gets overwhelmed with worry and confused with alcohol.

AGH. So, we came home after Walmart and then went to the dentist. All of the drivers have LOVED getting the ice cream. I'm so glad I bought it. It's a nice half cup portion, vanilla ice cream with chocolate cake, frosting, and sprinkles in it. One driver ate it in our driveway. Happily, I still have plenty left.

I like to spoil people. I didn't NEED it but I bought myself more of the chocolate peanut butter sugarfree icecream. Ron has plenty of food, I did a "cook night" last night and made him a dozen burritos. I put spicy refried beans on a whole-wheat tortilla, add seasoned ground beef, (maybe eggs also), shredded cheese, canned salsa, and jalapeno pepper slices. Then I roll it up (I briefly worked at a Mexican fast food restaurant), wrap it in a paper towel (so they don't stick when frozen), and freeze them in large zip-top bags. Ron takes one out the night before, thaws it in the fridge, and then heats it. It's a lot easier than having me cook him a meal. He loves them. He also has plenty of frozen TV dinners, juice, and cooked meat items like my cheddarburgers.

Tonight I don't have to cook anything for him; and plan to make a dinner of my "new" ice cream. A wise counselor once told me, 'Heather, sometimes you have to please yourself, and that may mean eating ice cream for dinner, especially if you are battling difficulties with Ron AND a depression." Rather alarming to think she said that 11 years ago.

Well, I ask God for a strong back to carry my burdens and He provides. I have also concluded something: every evangelist has a thorn, at least one. When things are horrible in my marriage, when I'm battling a horrendous depression, that's when I seem to make the most impact. That's when God calls me to do amazing things like Big Bible Handouts. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness, and my problems keep me focused on Him. They also help me to realize I can ONLY do it with God's help.

It would be easy, I imagine, if I had an easy life, to become puffed up with pride, disobedient to God's promptings, and utterly useless. When I have horrible depressions and my husband is shouting at me, it literally drives me to my knees in prayer, asking God to use me.

I don't believe I am resentful of having to carry a heavy load; sometimes I get resigned. Other days, like today, God's path is clearer and He gives me the strength and perspective I need to carry on. This life is so short, and I will only take the things I've done for God with me when I die.

I want Him to tell me I did a good job.

Compared to many people, I have an easy life, too. I have a nice little home, safe and secure. I don't have to worry about the secret police breaking in and dragging my husband off into the night. I seldom get overtly persecuted for being a Christian and sharing my faith openly. I have fresh running water at the turn of a faucet, a healthy pet, and a husband who provides for us both. My own health is excellent, and I can afford AND tolerate the medication that keeps me balanced. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude.

I've said this, God is calling me to do a Big Bible Handout. I've got enough money in my pocket to buy a case of New Testaments. 100 count. I called the store, they have them and put them on hold. I'll go in tomorrow (Ron will give me a ride over to the store). Most likely I will prepare the Bibles (I like to insert my "Where to Look in the New Testament" tract, an End Times tract, and underline Revelation 21:4, for each Bible), right there in the store and then go hand them out.

Unless I get more direction, that's exactly what I plan to do. God knows what He is doing when He allows the Devil to attack me - I get ANGRY and I FIGHT BACK. So, if you pray, please ask God to guide and protect me, and to lead hungry souls to me so I can give them a Bible and put them on the prayer list.

I may not have mentioned this, but I pray for ALL of you, twice a day.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Get up and fight, damnit!

Heidi, it's Wednesday. But I got a dozen icecreams, it'll take a few days to hand them out.

I just get so angry at Ron; I don't show it to him. You get to see my secret anger. Yes, he has suffered loss. Yes, he has a right to grieve. But get up and FIGHT, damnit! Don't just lie there moaning, get up and fight.

I feel Ron is so wrapped up in demonic lies and delusions; and he doesn't even really believe in the Devil! When he says anything about the Devil, it is generally a comment of "I can see why he rebelled" and "I feel sorry for him". WHAT? Then he goes off crying "Why me?"

Get this: he has a right to grieve. He has a right to be sad. I had a terrible depression when I realized that Ron and I would NEVER go on our miles-long walks again. But he's gone into this victim mentality and it's very aggravating. You have to MOVE ON. It's been almost 8 years.

Me, I'm a fighter. You hit me? I'm going to hit right back. Remember when I got mugged? I beat the crap out of the little thug. I am constantly fighting the devil with prayer, testimony (and it says in Revelation that we overcome the devil BY OUR TESTIMONY and the Blood of Jesus), and every Bible I hand out. You're gonna hit me? I'm gonna hit back.

It was bad enough throwing the depression at me, but making Ron even more depressed, making him get absolutely stupid every single night, making him verbally abuse me - right before my BIRTHDAY? You had better believe I am going to fight the Devil. I have cried, I cry, and I'll cry in the future. But I won't cry alone. The Devil is a lot more powerful than me, and I can only fight him when I'm under God's protection... but you can bet I am going to be that annoying gnat buzzing in his face. Besides, even if he did "swat" me I'd go to Jesus. Ha, ha!

I've decided I'm doing another Big Bible Handout soon - I ask God to make it clear and He always does. I just have an overwhelming urge to stand out on that corner and yell FREE BIBLES. Well, the sign does the yelling. [laugh] So do the people who want the Bibles. Pretty awesome.

If it kills me

It's so sad to watch Ron drunk. My only consolation; Jesus hurts even more than I do; He loves Ron more than I could dream.

I wouldn't die for him, especially if he were drunk and name-calling. But Jesus did.

I did have a pretty decent time cleaning up the side yard. I had let some saplings and sticker bushes grow up because the former kids next door kept breaking holes in the fence, crawling through after balls, and climbing over the gate.

The kids next door, girls, don't look to be jocks.

I got it all done in about an hour. I boarded up the holes in the fence, trimmed the trees, and mowed all the sticker bushes. Ron "asked" me to do it; I finally said "I will do it because you asked me to, not because you are calling me names. All you had to do was ask." I went out and did it while he headed over for another glass of wine.

The area outside my computer room window is nice and tidy now. I plan to plant something pretty there - what, I have no idea. I don't want any tropicals. I hate scrambling around and covering things everytime a freeze is forecast. I want something tenacious. Thyme, rosemary, roses, they all do well. Something colorful and shade loving, easy to maintain. I have plenty of root zone competition from the red tips. The red tips saved my living room after the hurricane, the gutter came flying off next door and would have hit my living room windows, but for the red tips! The red tips caught it like a baseman and saved my home. I am very fond of them as a result.

Ha, I could even plant MORE red-tips. Maybe something in the bush department, something fragrant.

Anyway, I did the yardwork and had a pretty good time. The neighbor dog has a great hatred of lawnmowers, which made it easy to locate doggy "hotspots". If she started pushing through, I immediately blocked it off. She doesn't even get that upset over the cat. [shrug] All done.

I already said I'm a little embarrassed, between Ron staggering over there drunk 4 times last week, telling them how to care for their dog (wince), and our audible argument over fence repair, I am sure they are regretting us.

[big sigh] I was late taking my pills today, but I think my current depression is completely understandable. My husband is disabled, and he drinks. When he drinks he can get hateful. Happily, he has left me alone.

I took my sugarfree butter pecan icecream outside and ate it, while the cat loafed at my feet, sitting in the yard. It was actually nice, mild, and overcast. I can really feel winter coming today.

I've always loved fall, and my birthday. I got Birthday Cake ice cream to hand out to my drivers - I think that'll be fun. Today's driver sure liked it. I have to realize, I can't talk to Ron about my birthday, can't plan anything. Tomorrow, take him to the dentist.

I have fun planned: my Knitpicks order (a 5-foot circular needle for lace and 2 balls of yarn) is coming. So are my kiddie New Testaments. Right now, I'm listening to my favorite tunes. I will have a fun week if it kills me.

My neighbors

My neighbors probably hate us. Ron staggered over there drunk, several times, to "talk" about their dog. I didn't go with, God only knows how he embarrassed himself.

Today I lost my temper when the dog broke a board off the fence and got into my yard again, and left a nice large "gift". I stepped in it.

Then Ron and I got into a really dumb shouting match in the backyard and he goes off drinking. UGH. I* told him they should fix it, their dog, their side. Name calling. I forget what he called me; nice thing about having the audio processing problem.

They probably heard all of it. To their credit, the next time I went outside they had blocked all doggie access points to our yard. It's an old fence. I'm just embarrassed.

This depression has a fair portion of "irritable". Ron keeps saying I have "a mean tone of voice" when he is sober.

AGH. Anyway, I am fixing up the side yard. Hot and filthy work. It looks great and I think I will get started on my computer room window garden - I have a nice little corner of yard outside my window; but I've never planted it.

In the meantime, I am taking a break, reading an inspirational romance novel, and eating some of my sugarfree icecream.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Fly away

When God calls me home, I am ready. [laugh] I mean, read ONE week of posts. For a woman who hates drama, I have far too much in my life.

I slept terribly because Ron's little friend kept getting into the yard and barking under my bedroom window all night. I got up at 5, because we had to go to work. The next door neighbor came over and I said "She is getting into our yard, I guess she needs to go back onto the chain." She agreed. Yet, when we come home, the dog is running all over our property.

The dog is a car chaser. They're on the corner of a busy street. This will not end well for them. [shrug] Their problem.

Me, I'm a cat person. Cats are pretty undemanding. I feed him and water him - both are feeder type dispensers so he could probably go a week without additional supplies. He likes to hang out around me, and is happy to sleep in my bed when I'm in it. He uses a corner I prepared in the yard. He lets himself in and out his cat door. If I'm sick in bed for days, he's fine. He won't get into mischief if I leave him alone too long.

In fact, we left him "alone" for about a week and he did fine. He had plenty of food and water, his cat door, he was happy. He was glad to see us, and probably worried, but he's undemanding. He left a nice bird head next to my chair.

He never gets into my lap, but enjoys sitting next to me on the couch. Seeing the dog has really made me appreciate cats even more, and Master in particular. That's what I call him, Master. The dumb animal goes to work.

So, we went to work. The traffic was virtually non-existent. So were the sales! I had to stock for about half an hour, and so did Ron, but that was IT. Ron was happy; I pushed him, in the wheelchair out to the "bus stop", unloaded him, and then pushed the chair back to our stockroom and locked it up. I did the same thing in reverse this morning. He likes having the work chair, at work. Fine with me.

I went back in, locked everything up, and came out. I don't want to talk about the ride to meet my family (aunt and uncle), because I am in danger of getting very negative: 1. Driver was playing games - Oh, I missed the turn. I missed it again. [rolleyes] That. 2. Very hostile client took one look at me and started ranting about crazy people, including yelling at the driver for parking next to her house number "Because now I knew where she lived"... and she didn't want "crazy women coming to her house". WHAT? What kind of diseased mind comes up with that? I was just happy to see the back of her, getting off the van! It gets wierder.

3. Passing the same store 4 times, while I hear continued "Oh, I... " excuses. 4. Did not know how to use the "arrow" style GPS on the computer; refused to call for assistance. More driving in circles. 5. Riding us around for a total of 2.5 hours when the maximum allowed is 2. 6. Refusing to let me off to use the bathroom, when she was parked and talking to dispatch anyway. I had to say I would pee on the seat, then she took her sweet time opening the door. Making me beg, essentially. 7. Refusing to open the door when we finally got to our destination, because "I am talking to my supervisor on the radio". Supervisor was yelling at her for riding us around so long. She took so long refusing to open the door, I had Ron sit down again (standing is exceptionally painful).

I'll just leave it at, I'm glad I had taken another lithium before I got on the van. Depression had been kicking me pretty bad. Then completely... exasperated.

It's especially annoying and very obvious she will not "make" it as a driver. She got all upset over the client. She kept going on about how rude and terrible the woman was. Nothing really was said to the driver. She got all freaked out when Ron and I wryly said we had seen worse. She kept complaining. Got very upset when the supervisor said she messed up. She may be gone tonight; I doubt she'll be around in a month.

In the meantime, I am praying and asking God to please help me have kind and loving thoughts in my head towards that hatey client, and the driver playing "headgames". Ugh. I have a real distaste for headgames. Just go to work and do the job you're being paid to do! Play games off the clock.

Ugh. In this EXCELLENT frame of mind, we met my aunt and uncle for lunch. It wasn't our best visit ever, I needed to decompress, but it was good. We had a good visit, I ate, took more lithium, and we had a great return trip.

I am just so glad I am home now. Today was exhausting.

I thought to myself, this is what I get for handing out Jesus. The Devil is attacking me any way he can, trying to shut me up or ruin my witness (make me into a judging hater and render the Message ineffective). Instead, I handed out more stuff and prayed my way through the worst of it.

I reminded myself that the bad guy doesn't bother with worthless Christians, and I must be doing SOME damage to demonic strongholds to get that kind of attack. I hope I did OK in God's eyes.

As I sat down, my music cued up a song "On Eagles' Wings". "Fly away, on eagles wings..." Very appropriate. I am sure ready to fly.

Friday, September 17, 2010

The stories I could tell

Not an easy night. Ron got so drunk he fell down outside, he is encouraging the neighbor's dog to come visit... petting her, feeding her. I don't want a dog. I don't think they want a dog, either. Ron complains bitterly about the barking and then encourages her to sit in his lap. He went over to the neighbor's house, twice, drunk, to talk about the dog. I don't know what he said, I didn't go with him. Just tonight. He got me out of the tub twice and interrupted my God Time 3 times on dog-related business.

I can hear him cooing at the dog right now. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to the cat, and it's not fair to the dog. I don't want a dog! Ron won't take care of her, that'll be up to me. The dog is an escape artist and a car chaser = major vet bills or heartbreak WHEN she gets hit by a car. Her spay status is unknown.

He's drunk and it's impossible to reason with him drunk. The last thing I need is another living thing to care for. Do you know what my garden looks like? I can't even take care of that.

Ugh. I am so overwhelmed right now. I want that dog out of my life; but I know it's just a symbol of Ron's drinking again. I feel like it's a perfect example of "What Ron wants Ron gets no matter what Heather thinks".

Oh, the stories I could tell on that subject.

We answer kindly

Not a good morning. I slept well, but the stupid dog barking next door, very annoying.

I actually got up depressed and had a pretty miserable couple of hours. I finally got smart, took a double dose of Wellbutrin (150 mg) with my AM, and did a punching bag workout listening to my favorite tunes. It's pretty hard to stay depressed while listening to something like "Make War".



Most likely, you HATE rap. Well, turn down the volume and read the lyrics. :) It's great reading.

Ron wanted to work on his gate, and he needed help. He had been a little ugly to me earlier, he really doesn't understand when I'm depressed, I'm not "mean"; I'm not "attacking him". I'm depressed. I don't have the energy... [sigh]

Anyway, God made it clear to me that I should help Ron as though he had just declared his undying love for me. When Ron is ugly to me God always reminds me of this verse: 1 Corinthians 4:11-13 (New International Version)
11To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. 12We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; 13when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.

What I "endure" is not unique. Every "good" Christian signs up for a boatload of persecution and attacks. The Devil loves to attack me through Ron.

It does not help that Ron bought a case of beer, a 5 liter wine box, and three GALLONS of vodka just this week. [sigh] Alcohol - not my buddy. I will say witnessing Ron's drinking has cured me of ever wanting the stuff myself. It's humiliating and degrading to watch.

It's not my job to judge, I won't. Ron can't see God's love for him, and understand that a loving God only allows us to suffer for a greater good. I wish I could put that in his head. [sigh]

I can't let it get me down. But I tell you, how could I do it without God in my life? Just the FAS, horrendous rates of suicide and depression; imprisonment, fighting, homelessness. Bipolar. Boy... 50% attempt suicide, fighting, broken homes, etc. A lot end up homeless too.

Alcoholic husband. Oh, boy. Now let's add profound physical disabilities and impulse control difficulties due to HIS brain damage! I couldn't handle any ONE of them, much less the whole package, without Jesus!

HE carries the load, I walk beside him and ask Him for guidance. If He says "Go" I do it. "Forgive" - they're forgiven. I commit to prayer warfare and Bible Study, so I can be well armored as I do battle with the Devil.

God wants me on his team. He has a special role for me, I'll do it. It's damned hard sometimes but I have yet to find a Bible passage promising me an easy life. No, God promises He's with me through it all.

Only He knows the demons I've fought - I wouldn't even know how to type it out; and I know God has used my "illness" and "disability" to foster an incredible dependence and trust on him. He's always with me. He will NEVER forsake me.

He has never and will never fail me, either.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Another video blog

The Old Enemies

After an hour of uploading, Blogger shut down. I guess if I video blog I'll upload it to Youtube and then link over here.

Anyway, battling some depression tonight. I told Ron, which I hate to do. I have a very strong script "Don't bother people with your mental illness".

I've said this, but it is so hard, when I'm in the pit, to actually climb out and do things I enjoy. I have to force myself to pick up my knitting, listen to my music, and even drink one of my beloved Diet Dr Peppers. Things are so damned hard.

"Loss of interest" doesn't even come close to describing what it's like to find my happiness account completely overdrawn and a gang of misery thugs on my tail. UGH. Envision me, running down a dark street, slipping in a puddle of god-knows-what, hiding behind filthy dumpsters as the old enemies Self Harm, Hopeless, Despair, Pointless, NoFun, Hateful, and Suicide (fortunately haven't seen that rascal in a while) chase me like a pack of starving wolves. Occasionally one corners me and gives me a beating, leaving me battered and bleeding in the street, as passers-by seem oblivious. It's a battle, and one I seldom share with "Normals".

I mean, who really wants to know how badly I'm hurting? It's like my husband and his neuropathy, I don't really want to know. It's bad. I can tell. He is in discomfort for hours a day, I can tell. He says it is OK and tolerable, I accept that. He doesn't tell me more and I'm OK with that.

I guess I feel that others feel the same. Who wants to know I am battling hopelessness and despair? I always feel like the manias are "fine" to share; yippee. Let's go on an adventure. I love you, me, and everyone. [sigh] But I always, always, pay.

The depressions are far better than they used to be. In September, our local sporting goods store always runs promotions on handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Back in 2006, I was irresistably drawn to the shotgun page of the sale flyer; and the realization that I could afford a "foolproof" method of suicide. That's when I knew I needed some help.

I got another flyer today and mentioned it to Ron. He debated gun ownership and we agreed to rely on God's protection; a gun used for us can also be used against us.

I can get online and blog about this, go out and have a decent time at lunch, spend time with my husband and enjoy my cat. While I'm not having an easy time, I can manage.

I remember, 4 years ago, talking to the evaluator at the hospital, a mental health technician who had to determine if it was safe to let me go. "I can't handle another depression like this" I confided. I don't have depressions like that anymore. I haven't considered harming myself for years.

I still try to tough it out, and keep my problems inside. I feel uncomfortable exposing my "belly". However, Ron was great. Instead of reading his book alone in his room, he came out and played it for me. I teased him by singing part of "Homewrecker", and actually felt like singing for that moment.

I'm still at a far lower volume than usual; but I'll manage. I'll keep on, take my medication, stay busy, and refuse to give up. Like I always do.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

God created me for amazing things.

I was supposed to have today off. Not only did I have to work, I had to get up at 5 AM. When we got picked up, we rode around for over an hour before they finally dropped us off. I had to take out the rolling dumpster, do the sodas, and help Ron with the coffee machine.

Our pickup was late, and the driver was drastically delayed in helping two elderly ladies. She also brought back very bad memories asking incessant questions about the Deli. UGH. Former and current Postal Workers find it nearly impossible to believe we LOST money operating the thing; we lost over a thousand a month. Why can't they comprehend that? If it were really a lucrative operation, we'd still be running it.

I have the personal opinion that unless you have people who can pick their own lunch and break times, a deli's a bad idea. Especially in a plant with very tight schedules, breaks, and lunches. It is quite common for the supervisors to work them 7.5 hours with no lunch, then "clock them out" for the last half hour of their shift.

At any rate, the deli's been closed for nearly 7 years. Let's leave it there. Some people believe we even still have the equipment! Just WAITING for someone else to come along and [laughing] open it up again.

Some industrious souls even rented catering trucks and parked out front, selling dinners. It didn't work. They lost money and never came back. That's what I TELL them.

So, we lay the past to rest yet again. We got to Walmart very late. I would not have much time.

I had to urinate. I ran into the bathroom and encountered Ron's favorite barista. I explained my urgency and pointed Ron out. Ron had a great time talking to her as I finished up and made my bank deposit.

I deposited enough to cover the case of kiddie New Testaments, some shipping for same, and the $30 hospital bill I will probably be paying for a few more years. Learned my lesson! If I get hurt or sick, I'm going to COUNTY.

Anyway, I noticed the barista's girlfriend (it was well known she is a lesbian) was kind of defensive as Ron and she chatted. I wondered about it and recalled I was wearing a t-shirt that said "The Lord is my strength and my song". I was just myself, Matthew 7:1 says don't judge (and implied, don't be a hater).

What was I going to do? Shriek "Sinner! I know what you're doing!" Maybe rant about Sodomites? I dunno. I prayed and got a "NO" on handing out any candy, so I was just kind. I was happy to see she was a lot more relaxed at the end of the conversation.

Ron and I got our stuff, I handed out some candy, and off we went to McDonalds. I got some double cheeseburgers. Ron said, sounds good. We ended up getting 2 sandwiches for the driver (eagerly taken), 2 for me, and 2 for Ron. He cancelled the KFC trip.

We came home, I was pretty exhausted. Nap time. Then I put up the trash when it came and did some organizing. I worked on my knitting, and shopped for a new circular needle. I need a size 5 (about 4 mm), 60 inch circular needle for my aunt's project. I seriously debated the purchase of more yarn and bought 100 grams of fingering weight wool yarn in pull-skeins. It's black, and will coordinate with the "Why-did-I-buy-50 grams- when-I-need-150?" skein of mixed purples. I can do black, mix, black.

I was pretty tired, again. I ate some sugarfree icecream for dinner and took my pills. Even more tired. Ron wanted to know about the Milky Way Galaxy so I looked it up and read him the whole article. He enjoyed it and thanked me for "Being you". I can't imagine being anyone else! I'm just glad he loves me, too.

I posted on Facebook and some various message boards. I had an interesting debate about Jesus and my evangelism. Someone basically called me a hater and I explained what I do. Tract in a baggie with candy. If they say no, put it back and pray for them. Not very hatey.

I realized, Jesus must be pretty amazing for me to take these risks. Think about it. I hand out Jesus pretty much everywhere I go. I stand on street corners, looking like a societal reject, to distribute Bibles. I do this on such a regular basis the bus drivers all know me and call them my "Crusades".

I am certain I am talked about, and not always kindly! I get yelled at, judged, and mocked.

I have complete strangers walk up to me and ask for Bibles, and I'm happy to hand them out. In fact, I beg God to send me more. I consider it an honor when someone calls me names, rejects me, or gets that alarmed look as they back away, because I know I am blessed (Matthew 5:10-11).

When I got shot with a BB gun while carrying a large sack of New Testaments, my immediate reaction was to begin distribution, then I got more and prayed for the demonic puppet who "Got" me. I did the same thing when I got mugged.

I covet large sacks of individually wrapped candy and buy zip-top plastic bags by the hundreds; all so I can bag it up and hand it out with Jesus. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I ask God to keep me humble, obedient, and loving. I pray regularly, knowing it's the most important spriritual battle of the day.

I pray for everyone, from my husband to those who've done me wrong. If you hurt me, you're on the prayer list for life. All my readers and EVERYONE on the planet are on my prayer list. I pray for every single candy/Bible/tract/and testimony recipient. I love to come home with an empty sack of candy.

I try to live my life with no regrets because I feel my time is short. Jesus has done amazing things with my life. He's shown me that I'm far stronger and bolder than I ever would have guessed. His strength IS made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

God created me for amazing things. I've only realized it now.

Use me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Today it's written

I slept in until about 8:30, then got to work on weatherproofing Ron's gate. OH. Once Ron and I figured out how to open the canister, the fumes... intense.

I did the BRIGHT thing (end sarcasm) and decided to do this all in my closed up garage - varnishing the wooden gate at every possible angle; then varnishing the 4x4 support post. Oh, those fumes were INTENSE.

I took some fresh air breaks but still ended up with a nasty headache. Oh, and I woke up in agony because I had started my cycle. AGH. Not the best "Day Off" in the world!

HOWEVER, I was NOT going to let that get me. I had always regretted that I had never "properly" wood-treated Ron's first gate, and suspected it would have lasted longer if I'd given it a good weatherproofing. I had to do this gate.

Next time, I will take my husband's advice, drag the thing out into the yard, and do it there. I would have had to watch it until it dried, because it's a very nice looking gate.

I went into the house and took a shower. Then I did my God Time and had some breakfast. After that, I prayed and bagged up the "right" amount of driver candy (I pray about it and generally get a number). For instance, today I picked up 6 New Testaments when I reached into my box. Then I pulled 6 quart sized ziplocks out of that box... pretty obvious.

I loaded up everything and ran off to catch the bus. All the bus drivers today were happy to get their candy. One driver, I had a strong "NO" so I did not give her candy.

I took my handcart and got some Diet Dr Pepper bottles. Yum. I thought they might help with the headache. Then I rolled off to the yarn store. I yearned and lusted over the black/gray/white mixture of lace yarn. I put it into the basket I had on top of my handcart. I got the blue and put that in - my aunt loves blue, and would like a triangle shawl. I found a good guide on how to to that. I plan to start at the top, work my way down. I got a circular needle I didn't need, as it turns out. It was only a few dollars, and I'll need it sometime.

I thought about the lovely creamy yarn I've got at home, to make myself a beautiful lacy Feather and Fan rectangle shawl. I considered how long it would take to make Mom's shawl, Polly's (my aunt), and then the cream colored one. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be doing the black and gray one anytime soon! I sadly put it back; but it'll be there when I'm ready for it.

If not, I'm sure I can find it online. I was pretty proud of myself. I went by Favorite Dollar and got more baggies, and a few lollipops. I am actually well-set for candy now. I just need to organize it sometime tonight.

Mom's shawl had some odd white patches in the yarn, and I knitted them into the shawl. In retrospect, I should have cut out that whole portion of the yarn. Anyway, I had an idea. Years and years ago, I spilled tea on a butter-yellow afghan. I was never able to wash out the stain.

The white spots emerged in the dark brown portion of the yarn. Tea. White. Brown. I made a very concentrated batch of tea and dabbed it on with a Q-tip. Things look far better now. I plan to do another application, and then if I don't love it, pull out that whole section and re-do.

Then I went to Starbucks. It was kind of funny, when I gave New Testament candy (NT in the quart bag, with the candy) the shift leader got really excited. "She can really use this right now" and called her over to get the gift. Nice.

Then, on the way home, the driver asked me if I was "On another crusade". She saw me during a Big Bible handout (I do it at the intersection of 2 bus lines, both run often). I told her, not today but I'm always distributing. She was disappointed I got off when I did. She thought I'd be riding for a longer time. It's always nice to get encouraging feedback.

Tomorrow, supposed to be a day off, but we're going to work. Fixing the coffee machine, hopefully. At the very least stocking all the other machines.

When I got home I took a sponge bath and laid down for a nap. Bubba-cat came and slept with me. What a sweet boy.

The headache is still around, but I'll make it.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I did a video blog today.

But Blogger is being a booger so I will try Youtube.



Youtube worked. Oh, and I did take the third lithium. Language rated PG.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Driver Candy Video

I talk about how I prepare the Bibles and candy bags for distribution. I also pray for all the recipients daily.

Heather Knits video



New Video, as requested. :)

I could have died today

Today was pretty interesting. I woke up and Ron was reading Brother Yun, the book I'd been asking him to "look" at for ages. Great.

I got up, did my God Time, and made up several bags of candy. I checked my inventory and ensured I had the Spanish candy, too. Beep, beep, time to go.

We went to the warehouse store. I handed out tons of candy and one employee just walked up and asked. Wonderful! I am always happy to share. I bought candy bars and pastry, paid up and left. Ron and I waited outside.

One of the Metrolift Yellow cabs pulled up. It's a Dodge Ram minivan, with the back row taken out to make room for a wheelchair. It was just the driver, an older lady in the front seat, Ron in the back passenger seat, and I sat behind the driver. We got on the freeway.

As we approached the interchange, a black Lincoln SUV suddenly cut across several lanes of traffic, headed our way. Thanks to quick driver reflexes it DID NOT hit me.

I thought. Huh. I could have died today. I took a minute to consider any possible regrets. [shrug] Don't have any. I would have been glad I gave candy to everyone this morning, including the front seat passenger.

Speaking of, the front seat passenger had a meltdown, shouting and carrying on. Yes, we almost got hit. BUT WE DIDN'T GET HIT. Besides, YOU would have been fine, I would have been the one on the Lifeflight.

It reminded me of something that happened to a message board friend of mine named Kevin. Kevin was a Messianiac Jew. He was Jewish, and believed that Jesus was his Lord and Savior. He was a very intelligent, friendly, easygoing guy.

He used to comment on his elbow problems occasionally. He worked the soundboard for a Christian crusade, and had tripped and fallen while carrying a heavy piece of equipment. The fall destroyed his left elbow. He got up, dragged the equipment into place, and worked the boards that night. He was very proud of the fact that over 200 people got saved.

He had some work done on the elbow, but he was not interested in the 17 operations it would have taken to get it back to normal. He worked as an air traffic controller at a major airport, so the elbow wasn't vital to his job. He chatted a lot in the chat room and had a lot of good answers for the younger Christians.

Anyway, one night he got in the chat room and seemed really shaken. "I almost died tonight". What? "I was in a horrible wreck on my way home from work, one-car accident. The EMT'S said I should have died, but I didn't. I just sat there crunched against the steering wheel, and kept thinking about some things I needed to do. I needed to talk to my wife, my daughter's fiance, and I needed more life insurance."

I remember feeling a sense of confirmation that God only takes us when it's our time, no sooner, no later. It wasn't his time. Kevin finished up his business. He got the life insurance and let his family know how much he loved them.

A few months later, he died of a massive heart attack. He never woke up.

I could have died today. If I had, I'd have no regrets. I just hope a family member would hand out all those Bibles in the computer room closet.

I can't fix what's wrong with him.

I slept OK, once I got to sleep, and woke up right about the time of my alarm clock.  It hadn't been set properly, apparently.  I got ...