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Showing posts from December, 2010

The Year in Review

One of the traditions I've enjoyed is the year in review blog. 

Let's have a look, shall we? 

January: a pretty ugly month, but a month of growth!  I was still recovering from the violent mugging and the bruises had yet to heal.  I kept praying for Thug Boy and keeping on.  God started using me more with the Bible handouts.  Allergic to SSRI antidepressants, I had a pretty rough battle with depression. 

February: I developed my prayer notebook with long lists of requests for just about everyone.  I spent a lot of time praying, seeking God's will, and battling depression. 

Mid-February, I realized I was no longer welcome on a message board.  Citing me for "being too personal" - when that's my every post... well, I knew it was time to move.  I moved over here and they deleted my other blog. 

God really ramps up my Bible Distribution.  Next door neighborkids vandalizing my property got old real fast. 

March:
March 6, I did my first street corner Bible hand…

Insane cheddarbugers

I'm feasting on cheddarburgers right now. 

Ron and I went to Foodtown this morning.  I got 6 pounds of ground beef (at sell by date) for $1 a pound.  I got an amazing amount of groceries for very, very, cheap.  Thank you, God! 

We came home.  I found a zombie movie marathon, after I put up the groceries.  I called Dad. 

It's funny the things we take for granted; like my Dad works with DRUG ADDICTS.  He was very supportive and gave me some good advice.  Including "If you feel she betrayed your confidence, don't tell her anything!"  Good advice! 

Ron and I always call them when we do fireworks; so I made them a fireworks video. 



There it is.

The other night Ron got a really odd call. Someone he used to know came by on Christmas eve. I got a very strong "I was going to ask for money" vibe off of him.

He was looking around the house, it is obvious we do not have much money. The carpets are in the bedrooms and only a few hundred feet.

He called Ron a…

Damage control

When I realized my family had chosen to break my confidence, and contact Ron in direct opposition to my BEGGING, I prayed and took matters into my own hands.  I have lived with Ron for over 18 years; I know him. 

They're happy, he's happy.  Damage controlled.  Please step back and leave us alone.

Closing the door

I am sick of self-righterous holier than thous judging and meddling in my life.  It's my life, not theirs.  I also suspect gossip. 

They have just about threatened to reveal my plans to Ron, which will completely fork up my entire life.  How nice that they can sit all nice and warm at home, feeling all cozy in their self-righteous convictions, as I lose my one chance to help Ron.  Have they PRAYED?  Have they read their Bibles and sought God's will? 

No, they have been too busy pointing fingers and tripping me up. 

What a mess.

Taking care of Heather

Well, things are moving along.  It will be a few days before I hear anything firm. 

I have 2 choices.  I can worry about details that may never matter; and let all the stress consume me - or I can choose to leave it all up to God and simply take care of myself and Ron, the best I'm able. 

I've chosen the later.  I was quite pleased.  Ron and I were planning trips and he started to ask me to help him buy liquor, then corrected himself and said he'd take a cab, instead.  I'm happy he understands I won't "help".  I was delighted I didn't have to say a word at all. 

Yesterday, all the stress and bad energy and such... I made it a point to care for myself.  I read a nice inspirational romance novel.  I took a nice hot bath with some lavender oil.  I set off a 96-count Pearl firework yesterday, and today.  It made a LOVELY display, especially for $2.29. 

I thought Ron was reckless when he bought several, but now I'm glad he did.  I am choosing peace…

DON'T "FIX" MY LIFE

The nice thing about the blog, if I change my mind about something I can always edit it.  This is AFTER the edit. 

I am upset (edited).  I had counted on getting some help; they don't like what I'm doing and have balked. 

I'm very upset.  They would probably say, I assumed they would help.  I did.  Obviously that is a terrible mistake. 

Not only that, I'm getting a real "Value Judgement" vibe about their comments.  I am not asking them to approve or fix my life.  I asked for one thing only. 

Instead, I am getting comments like "Won't talk to Ron about his drinking, TODAY".  What did I ask?  I SPECIFICALLY BEGGED THEM NOT TO SPEAK TO RON.  I ASKED FOR ONE THING.  Boy, did I pay.  I gave them all the juicy, gory details.    It was shameful and embarrassing.  I can only hope it doesn't go farther. 

I DON'T WANT THEM TO FIX THIS.  I wanted help with one thing only.  If they won't help then fine.  Back off! 

If I need a glass of wat…

One step down

I needed Ron to agree to something; so I could take more steps towards getting him help.  I have been begging God to guide me and give Ron a willingness.  He did. 

One step down, many to go.

It has been a hard, hard, day.

Happily, I have been sleeping OK.  My mood is acceptable considering.  Who WOULDN'T be depressed?  I know I am taking the right stuff at the right times.  I am respecting my body. 

My mind is just eaten alive with all of the questions and decisions I have to make.  Buddy, I absolutely needed to read your post.  "Keep your eyes on Jesus"

Safe to say this much: I am going to have to confront Ron and make him choose.  I have been fighting, but I am facing some VERY hard choices.  If Ron refuses to stop drinking, do I refuse to help him with work?  He would probably lose the business.  If Ron refuses to stop drinking, I don't see any way clear to keeping the house. 

On the one hand, houses are a LOT of work.  I currently have tiles falling off in the shower area.  We will have to pay for that.  The siding, some of it, is old.  The people who rent next door are pigs with trash strewn in their yard.  My experience is that the "owner" is always paying, paying, p…

Message in a bottle

Well, I'm a step closer to getting Ron some help. 

However, the next step involves interviewing him, on camera, about his drinking.  That is going to be difficult. 

I will need some prayer on this; for God's guidance for all of us.

Turn your back on a customer

Whoo!  Already an exhausting day! 

Got up at 2.  Thinking hard and long about my choices.  Did my God Time, went to work. 

The other guy was there (the one who made the move, then got really angry when I refused).  He has been making a lot of "secret" phone calls.  His wife was furious all day, banging doors shut, turning her back on a customer!  I would NEVER do that! 

I hope I have never made a customer feel that way!  That's just something you DON'T DO!  They don't have to buy from us; they have plenty of choices.  They can go to Walmart, the gas station, they can go to that new donut shop down the street.  In these times, you can't afford to turn your back on a customer. 

An unhappy customer walks away and tells 10 people.  What do you think she is going to say?  It would not have been hard to stop what she was doing and smile at her.  Then answer the question; go back to work. 

Turning your back on, and ignoring, a customer is not good!  And then to…
A circular knitting video.  If you like knitting or watching people knit you might enjoy it; but I just talk about knitting. 

I am not a knitting expert as the video shows. 

Loose lips

I'm not sure what it says, that I have people posting ads for *enlargement* on my blog.  I do have comment moderation! 

I was very touched to see that I got 66 hits yesterday. 

I have made some decisions.  I applied to get Ron some help; can't say more than that.  When I can talk, I will. 

I also decided to tell Mom and Dad about Ron's drinking problem.  I know she reads on occasion; and has probably read a "drunk again" post or two.  I know they have heard Ron when he's loose. 

While it's very sad, it is not "shameful".  Ron has an illness; like I do.  I am addressing my illness; he is not.  I am going to send them an email and let them know they don't need to reply.  Dad is a bit uncomfortable with the deeper issues. 

I also intend to INVESTIGATE Al-anon.  I would certainly attend a caregiver support group; it's a group for people who love alcoholics.  I believe they have a meeting in my area.  The "trick" of course is: …

It was probably better

So, I had a pretty good time during the handout.  Sad but true, I know at least a couple people felt really sorry for me standing out on the corner.  That's not the sad part, it's the true part. 

This is both: it was probably better for me than being at home.  Sure, it was cold, wet, and very windy... but it was just me, God, and however many angels He sent.  We had a good time; I had my Diet Dr's. 

Now I'm at home, Ron is drunk again... he just took a huge swig off a 2 liter vodka bottle.  He thought it was "pathetic" that I saw a guy drunk at 9 AM. 

The man was pretty intoxicated, with an open can of beer.  But he stopped and I gave him some Bibles.  One for him, one for his companion.   I guess it seemed oddly familiar for me. 

Ron wanted to talk to Mom and Dad on speakerphone, and he was pretty loose.  It was rather uncomfortable for me; even more for them. 

It's very discouraging to see him like this; hard not to feel as though I have failed him…
You will need to TURN UP THE VOLUME. I was too tired to figure out the setting.

It's all God today

I forgot that the guy next door "usually" has a very loud and rambunctious Christmas party.  It never mattered that much before. 

Not only was it loud, they were all drunk and talking loudly, turning the music up and down suddenly; right as I was falling asleep.  I came this close (pinching fingers together) to going next door in my nightgown and bathrobe and saying "I have to GO TO WORK AT 5 AM TOMORROW!" 

Instead, I asked Ron (surprisingly sober) to call the police, on a couple of occasions. 

Today I mentioned that alcohol was "onboard" next door; that it turned our normally sweet and considerate neighbor into an obnoxious and ignorant fool.  Ron got very defensive and acted as if I had attacked HIS drinking. 

We will be running errands with out driving friend next week.  Most of them work errands, on my day off.  I have told both of them, repeatedly, that I will not buy Ron alcohol.  Last time they tricked me into "helping" [he pulled up …

I need a break from the wrapping!

Ha!  I really thought it wouldn't be "much different" to wrap a Bible.  I am used to sticking tracts in them and maybe marking a relevant Bible verse or two... but wrapping it in tissue paper, putting it into a printed cellophane bag, dropping in a couple of mini candy canes, and twisting it shut... well, I've been at it for hours. 

I didn't sleep well, but got up around 3.  We had a trip to Foodtown.  Well, we did... but the driver had to drop off the other client.  At a gas station.  Miles in the other direction.  At 6 AM on Christmas eve.  She was not an employee.  Huh! 

By the time we got to Foodtown, our OTHER ride was already there.  I ran in, got some sausage, a couple of pounds of ground beef on sale (it looked nice and red), and what appeared to be three, 6-packs of bottled Diet Dr Pepper.  Imagine my shock when one of them turned out to be regular!  I put that back! 

I could see the cab already outside, so I just paid and left.  We went home, put up …
On a bus. Long day but fun. Teased $store, Ron said I bought dog treats 'cause he was a good boy. They laughed so hard they cried as i scratched his chin!

Wrapping Bibles

Image
Busy today; wholesale warehouse, work, home, nap, and then doing up Bibles.  I only just started on wrapping them, but I like the way they look. 


{above} This is an "Invitation" New Testament, I have over 100 of them. 


{above} A NKJV Nelson Bible, whole Bible.  Yes, I put candy canes in the bag. 


Formatting got wierd on me - but this is a NIV whole Bible, I had several donated and was saving them for this handout.  I wanted a little "pretty" in addition to the wrapping, but I have to consider packing and transport.  Anyway, obviously a home effort and not professional; which is kind of the whole point.  I'm with Jesus and that's it, no other organization. 
Ron is pretty "loose" tonight.  Challenging.  I ask God to keep me strong.
Better audio by far... I found and fixed it. Sorry about the bad hair.

Buggo

Well, I got up, did my God Time.  Went to Foodtown.  Came home.  Pretty tired. 

Met my aunt and uncle for lunch, had a great time.  Loved my presents! 

It is nice to know I have people who CARE.  Sometimes I feel very alone. 

After they left, Ron said I had "talked too much and she (my aunt) was just being polite".  How would he have known?  He was outside with my uncle, while I was inside with my aunt.  I realized he feels very threatened by me having close relationships with other people. 

I was all set to blog about THAT when my sister called.  She is also very supportive. 

It was nice to know I have more than one person, I could call ANYTIME if and God forbid, when, Ron goes "Buggo" again.

This is how it starts

I'm not going to do it, of course.  No matter how tempting, I know making that choice is a step towards suicide and I'm not going there.  I'm not going to let the demons back into my head. 

That said, this morning I prepared to turn on the computer.  I had to take some Tylenol because I'd had a headache.  That raised my lithium levels.  I feel tired, draggy, and unmotivated.  Also battling some depression. 

Yesterday, I used the stepladder to change the porch light.  It had burned out.  The ladder and I went out, and changed it.  The drivers need a porch light so they can see our address. 

I bought the stepladder back in 2004.  We had just bought the house.  The bedroom was a hideous shade of grey.  It reminded me of prisons. 

I bought some primer and the stepladder.  I was manic, and painted the whole room primer white.  Kind of bland.  Then I went out (still manic) and bought the Walmart Generic paint - rated for 7 years.  I went with "Curry Gold" which…

Not neglecting my God Time.

Not feeling very bloggy today; still trying to crawl out of this depression and "deal". 

A LOT of talking... talking, talking.  Maybe I am so talked out I have nothing left for the blog? 

I do feel, unlike every other time, that Ron has a much BETTER understanding of my viewpoint.  We'll see. 

I have the online application submitted; interesting to do the personality test.  I can say I am 1000% honest; and I will let them know about the bipolar during the interview, emphasizing my medication. 

Like I told Ron "For a night-time stocker job, they are not going to get the cream of the crop".  If God wills it, they'll see me as the best of the worst.  [laughing]

The pay is $2 an hour better than I expected. 

And, should we keep it together; I can always use my wages to make some improvements.  I have tiles falling off the walls of my shower.  Wrong drywall behind that; not waterproof, soaks up all that water.  Rotted boards, ick.  Not gonna be cheap.  Ron …

What are you doing?

A store nearby is hiring.  I applied online. 

Ron came in while I was doing it.  "What are you doing?"  I told him. 

He started apologizing "I don't know what.. I got overwhelmed with fear and thought we would lose everything."  I suggested that Benadryl + Neurontin + Tylenol + excessive alcohol consumption might have had something to do with it. 

I told him he needs to treat me with respect; he basically said he doesn't know how.  He is "powerless"   Then he went into his little script ie "program" - "You will leave me, and I will end up in a nursing home" 

I also told him (this is after hours of heated "discussion" - distilled to the basics) "You need to accept that I am disabled.  It hurts me when I ask for help and you shout at me, or accuse me of  'faking'" - a concept I do not get.  Why would I "fake" being brain damaged or mentally impaired?  What is the bonus?  What is the payof…

You can't find orange juice in a can of Dr Pepper

I slept alright considering, and when I got up one of my hives (I had eaten a quesadilla = wheat) was driving me nuts.  I had to apply my steroid cream and then bandage it. 

We went to work for quite a while; and I did a tremendous amount.  Ron thanked me several times; but in my head all I heard was "You're a broken piece of sh!t" - which he kept shouting at me last night. 

I don't know if I mentioned this on the other blog; but when I found the papers I decided not to tell him.  1.  He was leaving me alone at the time and 2.  I didn't want to reward bad behavior if he was cursing me out. 

At one point, he said "How do I know you aren't deliberately HIDING them, making me run up penalties?"  What?  Why would he even think I am that kind of person? 

Not to mention, I told him AGAIN and AGAIN, we can print new forms off the internet; they don't care what you send it with as long as the "account number" is written on the check!  No, …

Wow

I did my usual nighttime things; and then did my PM God Time. 

I am filled with an OVERWHELMING sense that God is Pissed.  Seriously pissed, and He will deal with Ron by Himself. 

I don't envy Ron; the One who created the universe is mad at you....

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

Update

Tomorrow I am giving Ron a choice: either we get counseling or I leave. 

God does not want him to treat me like this.  It is unfair and cruel for him to expect me to be someone I can't. 

He wouldn't ask the cat to fly; he knows it's impossible.  I am tired of his ugliness when he feels I have "failed" him.

Under the hood

Sorry about last night; I was very tired and accidentally closed "Part 2 Video Blog" before it was processed.  I couldn't get it back. 

It's a sad statement when I tell you Ron's in the next room and I'm all tense.  He has been pretty demanding today. 

It seemed like every couple minutes, he wanted me to drop everything to help him.  If I told him "I just need a minute to finish this" then I got scolded for "making excuses".  "You never help me when I ask". 

My favorite part was when a vending machine was "down".  It was the new bottled soda vendor. 

When a machine has a problem, I leap into action to fix it.  I did so. 

I got "under the hood" and began examining the interior.  I had a very nasty coin jam.  I needed something long, with leverage, that I could use to pry the jam loose.  I also needed something, a shelf about 3 feet high, as a rest for the coin mechanism.  It was wired into the board and I …
Two videos today! It was a busy day.

Better than expected

Today was a lot better than I expected.   Ron was alert and ready to go to work; we went and did it all.  Sales are still pretty low, but enough. 

I really seek to be God's daughter; and I want to act in a way that pleases Him.  You can guess how I would have LIKED to act; but I kept it to a bare minimum.  When Ron needed help; I helped him, without making him "Pay" for it.  I think overall God was pleased. 

I was even able to laugh at the theft of yet ANOTHER Christmas tree off the vending machines.  I'm down to 4 trees, from 6.  I can't fathom the type of person who'd do that.  I just shrugged and went on with it; whereas before I started spending all my God Time; I would have brooded and ranted about it endlessly.  I let it go; just like I let the rest go. 

I got paid.  Yay.  I also concluded my interview for the pizza, so I ought to get that check pretty soon.  That should buy a few Bibles. 

We came home, I tried to nap.  Couldn't.  Too much caffe…

Another bad drunk

I don't have time to give you all the details, especially as I will most likely be taking a cab to work. 

The family next door all went out somewhere for several hours.  The dog has major separation anxiety issues, and barked endlessly.  Eventually, they came home, that helped, and Ron's calls to the police resulted in her being put into the garage. 

It was a really cold night for Houston; and a shorthaired dog shouldn't have been left out anyway. 

Ron apparently had too much to drink; and the cursing, and the invective.  Then the threats to commit a crime. 

I told him, you can't do that.  I reasoned it out.  "Shut up" 

It got so bad, when he was on the verge of actually doing something, I had to intervene and call my aunt and uncle.  They were able to talk some sense into him; but he turned on me for "betraying" him.  A lot of badmouthing me to them.   The old chestnut "You broken b!itch" was repeated endlessly.  I think it is crazy,…
BIG DRAMA night. All kinds of threats and name calling. So upset I'm shaking. If you pray, now would be a good time.

Hang with You

Ugh.  Horrible depression this morning.  The only thing that woke me up was the headache. 

Both Ron, and the cat, were very sweet to me all day.  I watched a good movie or two; tried to take care of myself.  Had to get out the big guns and take extra Wellbutrin and Lithium (per doctor's orders). 

Did some organizing; moderately successful.  Could not find my bus pass, had a good hour long heart attack over that.  Finally found it. 

Currently doing laundry and avoiding dishes.  I have NO idea what I want for dinner, but I need to eat so I can take my pills. 

The whole idea of doing my God Time seems completely overwhelming, but that's when I (intellectually) know I need Him most.  God, please give me the energy and motivation to go hang with You. 

Sad.

You can't get cherries off a cactus!

Getting munched by depression today.  Yuck. 

Not a bad day, either.  It was lovely in Houston, warm, humid, and sunny. 

I slept in until 7:30, got up.  Ron and I talked for a while.  I feel like we have pretty good communication and understanding. 

It's really a hassle that we're being "persecuted" at work by the other blind vendor, but the Bible says "By their fruits you will know them";  meaning that people rooted in Jesus will produce good fruits; and people rooted in the world will produce bad fruits.  You can't get cherries of a cactus! 

So, you can't expect a "Worldly" person, concerned with himself and his wallet, to have Christian fruits of kindness and mercy.  Sad thing, I'm sure he thinks he's a GREAT guy! 

Anyway, kind of a battle to leave that all up to God, but we have to do it.  We have some ideas. 

Ron worries about me doing physical labor, and I find it cute.  He doesn't really understand: physcial labor i…

That was interesting

First I'll describe my block.  I live on the even side of the street.  We have the gray house (rented, and the home of the Barkappotamous renters).  Our house.  The house next door.  Another rent house (but they are quiet after an initial loud and ignorant altercation in their yard), and Philip's house. 

Across the street, we have Deb's house, and several more houses.  They gray house sits on the corner, and as you turn on the street, it's the first thing you see. 

Ron was very upset about the Barkappotamous, and a review of my September and October blogs will reveal several very drunken "visits" next door to lecture them on "proper" dog care.  Oh, sweet patience! 

How I have wanted to tell them, he has a HEAD INJURY.  But they wouldn't answer the door, with us knocking, if we set the house on fire!  WHO CAN BLAME THEM? 

They are a lot better than the other tenants.  Yes, they are pigs.  They had to have someone come out and tell them to bui…

Not letting it get me down

Bullies. 

I don't like them.  My work bully-harasser finally decided to "forgive" me.  I'm glad I don't have the hatred and name-calling, but I will be extraordinarily careful.  Just a litle light chat about Bubba's latest rodent, etc. 

He is very upset that we were given a bottled soda vending machine.  He sees it as "competition" and is feeling very threatened. 

Sales are lousy, bur Ron and I have a pretty low standard of living.  Our mortgage note is between $400 and $500 a month, and ALL our property taxes come to less than a thousand dollars.  Add property tax to "insurances" and we pay an extra $250 a month.  Internet, phone, etc.. I need to talk to Ron, see if we can cut back.  All told, probably total expenses of $1100 a month or so. 

That's a good thing.  We live below our means, so that means about now we are living AT our means. 

Sales at work are grim; people are cutting corners and pinching pennies.  They are maxed ou…

The Beast

Oooh.   A long day.  Got up early, went to work.  Our ride was very late and I barely got the milk delivery.  I had 5 cartons left from the last delivery; if they don't start buying more Ron will stop carrying it.  I STRONGLY suggested he cut back on the sandwich order. 

Surprise, our "new" vending machine was down.  Just a little note, if I am trying to get it to work, PLEASE do not breathe down my neck watching me.  It makes me very uncomfortable.  From what I can tell, it has a bad coin mechanism.  So much for "new". 

I called in the order; only $350 worth.  They let me do it; thank God.  The last time some guy tried to tell me "I" had a $500 minimum order.  Did all that; more work on "The Beast" as I'm calling it (new machine).  Actually made some money stocking sodas. 

Realized I was in a really VILE mood, very irritable.  I went and got some peanuts and ate them, taking a lithium.  It made me pretty stupid, but the guys didn'…

The Mode Button

My favorite snapshot of the day; I am literally lying on the floor next to our new vending machine.  I ask Ron to stay away as I'm "Trying to find the mode button, while lying down on the floor, and I don't want you to run over my leg with your wheelchair." 

Yeah. 

It was an interesting day.  We went to the wholesale warehouse, it was busy.  I could not buy all the merchandise I wanted; sadly.  I made do with a few basics.  With my own money, I bought a case of "Japanese style peanuts" because they were only $3 and a very good food cost item.  If they sell; we can get more.  If not, I'll put them in the Spanish Driver Candy. 

We took the stuff to work and I got the handcart.  Since it's a 24/7 operation; we have 3 shifts.  The night shift and day shift see us frequently.  I don't like to go in on third shift. 

Why?  Because everyone in the world had a complaint.  People really still think I take care of every vending machine in the building!…

Dear friends

This will probably be my only entry for the day; I won't be getting home until late, and we have to work on the accounting report.  We have to get to work, tomorrow, at about 7-8 AM, and when you factor in 3 hours to get up and travel... early to bed. 

Medication whacked me pretty hard this morning, but I had a good God Time.  I was pretty goofy by the time we got to Walmart.  Someone thanked me for the Bible, said it has brought her a lot of comfort.  Excellent! 

We got Ron's medication, and I got cat food and Driver Candy.  Well, Ron paid for the cat food.  Bubba's all cute in the bed, curled up where I'd be sleeping.  He is a very sweet and affectionate cat, on his terms.  He would never get in my lap like Frosty, but he likes to be a "nearby" kitty. 

Oh, offtopic but odd: I keep seeing Police cars.  In the neighborhood, and in the subdivision.  Quite a few!   More than I think I've seen in the last year; in the last week.  On the one hand, I think …

Speaking Ron and Heather

I'm "Stomped".  Say what?  This is "Stomp", the performance group:  Stomp; Pail Drummers

About a year after Ron's accident, our friend Chuck invited us to attend a performance.  We went.  We wore nice things, ate out beforehand, and Ron promptly slept through the whole performance.  Head injury thing; naptime comes regardless.  They were banging on trash cans, jumping up and down, and making tons of racket, and he snored away.  We tried the movies, the matinee.  Same thing.  It was a terrible movie, I wished I'd joined him. 

We say we're "Stomped" when we're utterly exhausted.  "I'm stomped tonight".  Oh, OK, go to bed! 

Today was a cold and "Oogy" day.  Cold, damp, and overcast.  UGH.  We only refer to the DAMP cold days as "Oogy".  Boy, I wonder how that will pop on the search engines!  [laugh]

We don't go, somewhere, we scur; short for scurry.  I used scurry for a while; let's scurry on ou…