Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Disgusting swamp of a mood-hole


I've got the camera, and the will to use it.  [big sigh]  Unfortunately, I have allowed Ron's negativity and anger to infect me this evening.  Not happy about that.  I'm going to have to claw my way out of this disgusting swamp of a mood-hole. 

Bad news first; Ron drinking, bitter at God tonight.  I get very tired.  He really has no idea; his negativity is so toxic.  So many blessings in his life, which he refuses to see.  He's not that blind, is he? 

Today he called me and told me he put out a chair of mine for the junk man.  After the fact.  I was OK with it; I need a folding chair in here.  I like my folding wooden chair; although it needs a new chairpad.  I need to be able to fold my chair when I pull out the pullout (the room is maybe 9 feet square).  I was pretty annoyed at the presumption; after the fact.  He went out to see if he could find it later on and it was gone, of course.  Agh.  A.S.K!

The guy at the office supply store refused to make my tracts, he said he was "too busy", and instructed me to make them myself.  HM.  I'll be back, when the nice guy is working.  I felt like shaking the dust off my feet as I left.  Aggravating; but I'll get 'em.  One way or another! 

I woke up with a very nasty headache, I managed to whack it to "I am functional" levels.  The Tylenol in the Excedrin played hell with my lithium levels and I almost walked out into oncoming traffic while crossing the street.  God does not want me yet.  Boy, that would ruin the driver's day, wouldn't it?  [shudder]  Ron did the whole bitterness rant when he heard my voice; he could tell I was feeling very side-affected.  It just enrages him; and I end up feeling guilty for being sick.  I believe he sees it as God "torturing" me. 

My area is really going downhill, a homeless woman at the bus stop.  It's beginning to remind me of the Tenderloin District in San Francisco.  She was happy to get some candy; and "I spent all my money on candy" is a good deterrent to panhandling. 

So, that's the bad news.  The good news; it was a beautiful day, crisp, cold and windy.  I like windy days.  I layered up like an onion; long underwear, t-shirt, jeans, wool socks, fleece vest, fleece jacket, neckwarmer, fingerless wool gloves, and a nice Army Surplus wool hat.  I am consdering making myself a ribbed wool hat, with slits to put earphones or earbuds; so I can have my ears warmly covered with my hat and still have my tunes.  I considered that as I went to the bus stop. 

I had a tremendous amount of candy, probably a cubic foot total.  I handed out quite a bit.  Everyone was thrilled to pieces. 

First stop was Foodtown.  I got a bag of smoked almonds (2 ounces), and a six-pack of Diet Dr Peppers.  I also got a bag of individually wrapped candies.  They are a Spanish candy.  Sour balls, with assorted fruit and Tamarind flavors, and salt and chili.  GACK.  The recipients always seem to like those types of candies, so I got them.  I figure they ought to be popular.  I didn't want to "marry" a 70-count bag of something that might not be the best... I figure the assortment is better.  God knows I will never eat them. 

I left, and made it to the bus stop in great time; just in time to catch my connecting bus.  I went to Starbucks, and read my romance novel and had my drink... until Ron called about the chair!  I read for a bit longer and then left. 

Off to Favorite Dollar!  Of course I have this huge sack of candy... I got some looks.  I found some GREAT little individually wrapped candy canes, in two flavors: peppermint, and cherry.  I loved cherry candy canes.  I decided, yes, I wanted to hand out BOTH flavors on Christmas morning [cue whine: It's Christmas!], so bought 6 boxes total.  I estimate about 100 items handed out, 2 canes for each, and then I found some tissue paper and gift bags.  PERFECT.  I want them all wrapped, you know.  I ended up spending about $20 total.  I even got some dryer sheets, which I need to put in the laundry room. 

Probably not the best idea to bring the knitting project, it was large and hogged up half my huge tote: the other taken by Driver Candy.  I managed to stuff everything in.  I carried the soda in my backpack.  I'm sure I was a sight. 

I got snubbed by office supply guy (considering, who can blame him?), and headed off to the bus stop.  I had to wait a while with the homeless woman, who was trying to sleep, and gave her the candy as she left. 

Then the bus.  I gave the driver candy, and another passenger.  She said something to me, but I didn't get it.  I think she was asking me if I was a Jehovah's Witness.  A thousand times no!  Anyway, she seemed happy as she left. 

I toddled off to the Christian bookstore, almost becoming roadkill from lithium toxicity.  Note: even if my meds kill me I never had a life until I took them; every day medicated is a gift from God and I have no regrets. 

I got there safely, and wandered in.  They were very kind and helpful as always.  I ended up waiting an extra half hour on Ron to come bring me home.  [shrug]  That's Metrolift. 

The driver was a very nice man from Ethiopia.  I thanked him in Amharic, he was really impressed.  Ron and I like to ask immigrant drivers to teach us "Thank you" in their native language.  He told us how he was present during 2 armed robberies, when people were shot.  YIKE!  I was glad I had given him a Bible!   God's not ready for him yet!  

We had a lovely straight trip home.  I took out the garbage and will check the mail later.  All I need to do is heat up my hamburger in tomato sauce (aka dinner), and do my God Time. 

I do feel better now; I just need to learn not to take his moods personally. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

"Smells Good" video blog

The audio quality is still kind of tinny, but I think the rest is better. 

Barkappotamous



I think the audio quality is better; I can tweak the "gain" if needed. I noticed I didn't have to turn up my speakers to hear myself. I can also modify the way I record the video, too. I can record it to my hard drive and then upload.

A little goofy, a very long day, but a good mood day. Not up, not down, properly medicated.

At about 1:45 you get an audio track of the Barkappotamous next door (fence wrecking dog).   Hope you like it.  Pretty tired today and I had to re-spell basic words more than once just in this. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Another day, another rodent

I did a video blog but I forgot to tell you about the latest rodent drama.  Last night Bubba came in through the cat door, making his special meow.  [shudder]  He went straight for Ron's room and meowed loudly. 

I ALMOST opened the door without checking.  Behold; the rodent.  It was still alive and about 7 inches long  I won't go into details.  A couple of minutes of action, rodent blood all over the tile floor and it's STILL alive.  Kitty would reach over and swat it occasionally, eliciting pitiful squeaks. 

I have a heart of butter, I felt so awful for the poor dumb thing.  Even though I'm sure it would have happily bitten me, it didn't deserve to be tortured.  Ron would probably make an analogy to the cat as God, and himself as the rodent. 

The poor thing finally got weak enough that I felt confident in removing it.  I used a piece of cardboard and a cardboard box.  I used the piece to push ratty into the box.  Some squeaking at that, and movement.  Then I went and put it down the storm drain.  Right as I opened my front door, a police officer drove by.  Hm.  That would have been interesting to explain! 

My cat the serial killer?  I disposed of the cardboard, came home, and did some research.  Rodent disinfection; 3 T bleach to a gallon of water.  I used 4 T. 

I mopped up the blood with an old rag (gone now), and sanitized the floor.  Ick, ick, ick.  Needless to say, I shut the cat door last night. 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

My new webcam

Ron got it for me, $18. 

A rather depressing morning, but I do show off my nifty new hat.  I'm very proud of it.  I blended and spun the yarn, and knitted the yarn, into a lovely hat and neckwarmer.  I'm very proud of them both.  And they're warm! 

The video isn't done processing yet; but here's the link: 



Friday, November 26, 2010

This one's for Galatea

Now, first, I have to remind y'all that my MOM reads this!  My adoptive Mom!  And my auntie, and my sister, and other family like that.  So, I will keep it at a family level. 

When I got out of the hospital for depression, at age 13, I faced High School.  I had scared the hell out of my Jr High.  They wanted me in some kind of special ed, and put me in as a "teacher's aide" in the class for the blind students.  I think because I had thick, coke-bottle glasses. 

I helped for 2 years, and learned a lot about working with "The Blind".  Phil used to tease me as he injected his insulin, and everyone loved Robbie.  I liked them a lot and Don, the teacher, taught me some braille. 

I learned "The Blind" were pretty much like anyone else.  I have always had a "helper" mentality, and wanted to be an Occupational Therapist (ha!  I guess I am on some level) when I graduated.  [shrug]  I like to help people. 

So, I engaged in some mildly criminal activity (while manic), and that was the end of that.  Time to PUNISH Heather!  Put her in the SERIOUSLY EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED class.  I know! 

I can laugh at it now, but I should have been there my whole life!  [snorting]  I was there for 2 years. 

It was decided, for me, that I needed to disenroll from my beloved business class (interesting that I am in small business now), and enroll in the ROP program.  Oh, I was furious.  The brain damage was bad, the bipolar worse; but having no control over what classes I took? 

To make it worse, they made me ride the short bus to "work", along with some severely developmentally disabled.  Oh, what a blow to my pride. 

I ended up having a tremendous depression, and while on a church retreat came that close to walking off into the snowy woods and stripping down to my undies.  I figured that would do it, by the time they found me (it was snowing), it would be too late.  Only the hand of God restrained me, let me tell you. 

On this LOVELY note, I am forcibly dragged by my scruff into the fast-food franchise.  I do well in the classes, although I had and still maintain a very healthy fear of deep-fat fryers.  They liked me.  Since I'm friendly and eager to please they put me up front on a register. 

The severely developmentally disabled stayed in back, watching the sanitation videos.  I was actually hired, a real coup for the program. 

Who should I find next to me but a friendly blind guy named Ron?  He is also enrolled in the program.  My people hope I'll get a job on a register, he's in the management program.  We're both "Disabled". 

I'm an extrovert, and back then he was too.  We hit it off right away and knew we had something special.  Ron actually got fired for dating me, although they saw it more as molesting, I think.  He's 20 years older than me, and I was only 17.  In his defense I did lie about my age; Ron only found out when the boss asked me about my "Work Permit". 

{6 months later, the day after I turned 18, we ran off together.  It is very funny to think, when I got to work Maria would always get on the headset and say "Ron, your wife is here!"  Yeah!  }

Ron was disgusted at the way my life was going.  I was told "You won't be graduating, we don't think you can handle life after high school and want to keep you in the egg for another 6 months".  GAH.  It was awful.  I had a few outside friends, and let me tell you, it was horrible listening - they got to plan their lives! 

About this time, I got diagnosed with FAS - and told it was doubtful I'd ever life on my own.  Another crushing depression.  The only one who could talk to me as Ron.  He was very supportive and encouraged me. 

Ron's always been very independent.  From what I see on Metrolift, the people who go blind later in life have a terrible time adapting.  They especially hate to carry a long white cane, which is foolish.  The cane is a great tool for mobility and even the worst criminal will help a blind man.  I never got hassled in horrible neighborhoods because people knew I was with him.  That, and I was with Him! 

Ron, and the other people I've met who went blind as children, have always been more fearless and independent.  They carry canes. 

When I met him, Ron rented a room from a lady.  He walked from her house to the bus stop, and took the bus to the train station.  He took the train, got off, crossed a parking lot, and waited at a bus stop, which carried him to work.  After work, he did the whole thing in reverse. 

When he wants to "do mobility", he and I go out, he "feels" his way around with the cane, looking at all the landmarks (mailboxes, poles, driveways, etc).  We figure out, after the third driveway, turn right, then go the second pole.  He has said I am a better mobility instructor than professional instructors, and he said that when we were fighting a lot!  I have taught him "Where to go" for the last 18 years! 

When we moved, he would walk around, feeling the rooms, until the got them mapped up in his head.  He does a lot of maps in his head.  He doesn't travel much these days, but he gives great directions. 

Most blind people, from what I hear, are NOT that independent.  The fact that Ron walked to work everyday was a given, he had always walked to work.  But try telling that to people after his accident!  [rolleyes]  People blame me to this day, but like Ron said, if I'd been with him, they would have had TWO people in ICU.  The driver ran a red light; I couldn't have prevented that. 

Ron's motto is UNWANTED HELP IS HARM.  He HATES it when people fuss over him.  Ron hates having to ask for help; and gets frustrated sometimes when it's required.   Ron's very intrigued by this, he has come into the room. 

I do all the laundry and stain removal.  Ron wears neutral pants and pocket t-shirts, buttondowns, or a sweatshirt.  I "check" him before we go and make sure he doesn't have any stains.  I have met a few blind guys walking around with old stains on their shirts.  One guy I know regularly gets shaving cuts and bleeds all over his collar. 

Ron only has black socks; he had matching issues and they always blamed me.  Now, it's all black. 

He says "We marry for what you are, not what you look like".  Good point.  We had an employee once, a former stripper, who was always flashing her cleavage at him.  It had NO effect. 

Ron isn't into any kind of performance art.  Obviously, he hates museums.  He hates sports; even though with a good AM radio he could "get" it.  He falls asleep at the theater and movies (head injury thing).  For recreation, we generally went out for fast food of some type.  We took tons of long walks together, and hiking.  I wish we had done more hiking. 

We liked to go to the Sutro Baths in San Franscico and sit on the rocks by the water, and I taught him how to take an overpass over a freeway to Coyote Point Park.  It's very close to San Francisco Airport, he would sit by the water and listen to the waves. 

We got into Ham Radio back in 1995, and I passed my test before he did.  Ron enjoyed building things for his setup and working on his antennas - walking around by himself on the flat, third-story roof.  I have a dead terror of heights.  He strung a wire from the ladder to the mast, and used his cane if he went "off the wire". 

Remember, it was walking to work that almost killed him! 

On the intimacy, not a big deal.  I have only "been" with him, anyway.  I will say he can be selective - he can "look" at the good stuff and ignore the belly flab.   Yay!  Obviously when I gained the weight he could tell.  He was sure happy to see me lose it, but has asked me to keep my weight around where it is now.  "Don't lose anymore" being his exact phrase when I was 165. 

We took the Greyhound bus to Reno, Nevada, one weekend.  We had fun at the slots, I only had about $40; won a little, enough to buy a coffee cup.  Ron always enjoyed my narration at zoos.  He said I made the animals alive. 

He's always enjoyed listening to music.  We went to a couple of good concerts on public transit.  After one concert, we had to walk miles, catch a bus, and our local bus had stopped running.  We walked several miles home from the depot, the only scary thing a family of raccoons. 

Oh, Ron was born with an inherited form of glaucoma.  He had very little vision; and lost what he had at age 8.  He had 9 eye operations.  He was enrolled in a pre-k early learning program with the Red Cross.  One of the reasons I think he is so different from his family.  He graduated top of his class in the vending program, beating out a woman with a Master's degree. 

The only time I ever really regretted marrying Ron:
We had a little spare cash and Ron wanted to get a recliner.  At the time, we had a plastic lawn chair in the living room, a table and 4 chairs we bought at the Salvation Army and took home in a shopping cart (oh yes we did), and that was it.  So, we went to Savers. 

They had a good collection of recliners; all modestly priced in the $20-$40 range.  They all looked "Okay" except for the hideous green plaid.  It was a lovely vinyl, with a pea-olive green plaid seat and back.  The rest of the chair was a horrible billous green vinyl.  I sat down, and attempted to raise the foot.  Praise God, it didn't work. 

"Pick anything you like, it all looks OK to me".  I went off looking at clothes, and used books.  Boy, they had a fantastic collection of used books.  I finished up. 

To my horror, Ron was fully reclined in the horrible green chair.  I ran to him, hoping to escape.  "Look, I FIXED it!" he cried happily!  "And the clerk gave me half off!"  WHAT?!

"Well," he continued, "You said they were all OK by you, and it was such a great deal I already bought it".  The clerk smirked at me as he pointed at the sign "NO REFUNDS". 

It was a chair, only a blind man could love.  I endured that chair, that horrible, horrible, chair, for 5 years.  The cats loved to claw it up, and I sure wasn't stopping them. 

I guess I'm used to being a spectacle.

Four years ago this weekend, I taught myself to knit.  I just remembered that; "I Shouldn't Be Alive" marathon, me on the couch, and finally mastering the knit stitch.  I used a gray acrylic heather. 

Since then, I've made a lacy shawl, innumerable hats, 2 garter stitch afghans, fingerless gloves, and a single mitten for Ron.  He only wanted one {shrug}.  Pretty cool, especially considering I had only just started medication for bipolar disorder.  I was only a couple of weeks "out". 

On the one hand, it's incredibly tragic, and on the other, predictably funny.  The neighbor's dog, no shelter, rain, freezing cold, and icy winds.  Tragic.  They don't do anything but feed her, as near as I can tell.  If she gets out, they always seem annoyed when someone brings her back.  I suspect they are watching her for someone, and doing a bad job. 

The Humane people are investigating.  I hope they sieze her and give her a better home. 

So, all my bloggy rantings have come to this: the first cold spell, I threw an old fleece blanket (the Polartec kind) over the fence.  The neighbors are messy and the back yard is pretty cluttered.  As far as I know, doggy still has her blanket.  Today, it's cold, in the 40's, with an icy windchill from the north. 

So what does Heather the Hatchet do?  I got a cardboard box, a large one, and tore off the shipping label.  Then I put it over the fence, on it's side, so doggy can lie in the box out of the wind.  [snort]  I'm a real bitch!  Predictably funny: the girl who got sent home from school - distraught over the dying sparrow caught in the air conditioner unit, can't let an animal suffer if she can help it.  Even if the animal DRIVES HER NUTS. 

Growing up in Virginia, outside a large city, I saw many homeless people utilizing cardboard to keep off the wind, I know it works.  It's nice and sunny now so the cardboard won't mush.  I feel like while we could rig up a nice shelter for the dog, it wouldn't be fair to her in the long run.  These people will move on eventually; and take the dog.  They will continue to neglect her. 

I think it is better for the dog to be taken now, than suffer in the long run.  I wouldn't be worried if she had a thick coat, but she's a very shorthaired dog.  Of course the cardboard and an old fleece blanket will not pass animal control guidelines, but that's the point.  The people who wouldn't make a fence repair, WHEN GIVEN WOOD, with 3 adult men living in the house, certainly won't lift a finger to do anything special for the dog.  "Our" fixes, will ensure some comfort for Doggie until they surrender her to a better home. 

Last night I had a horrible experience.  I heard an ominous squeaking, then a clatter... I thought "Oh, no.  Bubba's brought us a live rodent!"  I was pretty alarmed.  I really had to urinate so I got up to investigate.  Ron had found my handcart and was rolling it around on the floor, making it squeak.  Then he knocked something over.  [shudder]  Thank God it was a false alarm!   No, I did not yell at Ron...although tempted now. 

Then I went back to bed, locking the cat door.  The cold front and ensuing rain arrived sometime after that.  Bubby can get into the garage, but not the house, when I do the pet door.  The garage is warmer and dry. 

Ron had a nightmare about the cat crying out in the rain, so he opened the door and let the cat in.  That really messed with my head, in the morning I saw the open door and I was certain I had closed it. 

*I* completely overslept.  Ron gently woke me about 45 minutes before pickup.  EEEEEK!  I had enough time for a shower and that was it!  I had enough driver candy to sustain me. 

We had to go to work and call in our soda order.  We had a nice straight trip, a new driver, really happy to get the candy.  A supervisor walked up to me, after I had donned my "Merry Christmas" santa hat.  Ron wore the elf hat.  I'll get a photo up when I can. 

"I saw you" He stated grimly.
"Oh, when?" 
"Yesterday"
"Oh, during the Bible handout!" 
"Yeah."   I grinned at him, and he walked off.  [shrug]  I don't exactly hide my light under a bushel. 

I decorated for the holidays - I put up 5 small artificial Christmas trees.  They look good.  The customers love the decor, and Ron and I in our santa hats.  I also inflated my 2-foot high inflatable jolly Santa.  He went on top of the small soda machine. 

Imagine this; you're on your break.  You walk into the cafeteria area.  Ron is rolling around in his wheelchair, brightly lit with Christmas lights and festooned with garland.  He is wearing an elf hat with a jingle bell.  You look around.  Small Christmas trees everywhere, and there's Heather, wearing a Santa hat, inflating Santa. 

Quite a sight, I'm sure.  I guess I'm used to being a spectacle. 

Then we came home.  We plan to run to Walmart tomorrow, now that ought to be interesting! 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Bubba got the liver

I'm pretty tired, it was a good day.  You know, I have a suspicion that I am "more interesting" in text than I am on the phone?  Just a thought. 

I got up and started some of my meal prep.  Ron had been asleep/in his room all day.  He decided to act like nothing happened last night.  He made a very neutral comment about the handout and that was it. 

Well, I worry about ego.  [snort]  I sure didn't have him praising me to the skies.  God allowed something to happen to him; I won't say, because it's private.. but if I were the vengeful/vindictive type I would have been satisfied.  I just helped him and was very neutral. 

He made a comment about things "Smelling good" in the kitchen.  I told him the pot roast was done (it was), and offered him some.  He asked what I planned to cook, said they sounded good, and said he'd like to share if I didn't mind. 

[raising my eyebrows]  I don't know what happened to Mr-All-I-Want-Is-A-TV-Dinner, but I didn't argue.  I told him I had some stuffing, and I'd be happy to fix it for him.  He said OK, then said don't bother later on. 

I had already started it and told him.  He said OK and ate quite a bit. 

In the meantime, I have a 3.5 pound chicken.  I took out all the "parts" and seasoned it up.  Pepper, garlic, onion powder, a little bit of "Poultry" seasoning, and a tablespoon of chopped garlic in the cavity.  It was delicious. 

While the chicken cooked, I made Ron's stuffing, some pumpkin pudding for me, and cooked the ham.  It was precooked, all I did was pan-fry it until it was nice and brown. 

I still had that chicken neck and the liver.  I saved the neck for stock, and decided to cook the liver and give it to the cat.  If he didn't like it, I'd give it to the neighbors' dog.  Yes, the fence-wrecker.  The poor thing was so happy to see me coming and going from the Bible Handout. 

I seasoned it with a little pepper and garlic - I know!  It's a cat!  Then I fried it up.  I waved it under Bubba's nose when it was cool.  He was very excited and devoured the whole liver, at once.  Good.  I never know what to do with liver; and I can't stand the taste.  I wish I could get a taste for liver, it is an incredibly nutritious meat. 

Ron, by now, was pretty drunk.  He did behave, though.  The chicken got to the proper temperature and I brought him out of the oven.  I fried up the ham, etc.  I asked Ron what he wanted, all 3 meats and the stuffing.  The stuffing was already on the table.  Half a stick of butter, and 1.5 cups tap water, then nuke for 5 minutes, not terribly difficult.  Tell HIM that, he made ravenous caveman noises. 

He said, all 3 meats, please.  I gave him a chicken leg and some breast meat, a nice amount of ham, and the delicious moist part of my potroast.  I had snacked on some potroast earlier because I had gotten queasy.  When I'm queasy, I need to eat, or I will really get sick.  Oddly, my blood sugar is not really low at those times, I've checked (I have a meter). 

Ron loved all 3 meats, and ate probably 8-10 ounces total.  He ate quite a bit of stuffing.  I had a bowl of pumpkin pudding, and the meat, and was happy.  I am really glad I did a chicken, because that's a much more manageable animal for a 2-person household.  I hate to waste food.  This way, I've got pot roast in the freezer, a pot roast meal or 2; chicken for a day or so, then it's gone; then some chicken stock in the freezer.   The ham is heat and serve, so easy to fry some up on demand.  I gave Bubba some leftover ham I couldn't finish, and he ate that too.  All the meat only cost me about $10, too. 

Ron will help debone the chicken tomorrow, and I'll make and freeze the stock.  It's great to have a frozen, meaty stock in the freezer, ready to heat and eat on demand.  Just throw in some veggies!  Which I have! 

I called Mom & Dad, they're doing well.  I left a message with my aunt, she's at her in-laws.  I am really tired. 

I plan to do my God Time, take a bath/shower, and go to bed.  I need to get up around 6 AM tomorow; for work!  No Black Friday shopping for me! 

I would love to do my next Bible handout on Christmas Day.  Ron is always depressed on Christmas, anyway. 

Post-handout video!

I made it as soon as I got home.

All done in 45 minutes! Thanks, Lord. Some guy threw $1 at me as I was packing up! Overall attitude - gimmie that Bible!
She cut off my head, but you get the idea. Handed out 120, 45 minutes. Love, H

Almost time to head out!

Ron's asleep.  I let the cat in through the pet door (I closed it to prevent further rodent "giftings").  I did my God Time, showered, about to eat my breakfast.  I just need to do a few Spanish Bibles and get a very heavy cardboard box onto my hand cart! 

I worry it might not fit on the bus!  I hope the box isn't too wide! 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

7:28

The Bibles are done, I think.  We'll see if God wants more tomorrow morning before I leave. 

I have over 100 total.  Handcart, check.  Clothes, check.  Prayed up, as much as I can!  I'll always take more, though! 

I need to get some sleep so I can get up on time.  :) 

My bus leaves at 7:28. 

The signs and I

I've got about 3/4 of the Bibles done. 

I'm really wondering what to do after the handout tomorrow.  Come "home"?  Yike. 

Maybe the signs and I will go to Starbucks (that is not cool, by the way, to make them work Thanksgiving) instead. 

Video Blog, 5 pm tonight.

"Being a doormat"

I have access to many odd statistics.  One of them being search results; one day someone did a search on "Bible verses about being a doormat" and up came my blog!  Pretty funny, I think. 

You think I'm a doormat NOW, you should have seen me 15 years ago.  I lived in terror of displeasing Ron, the emotional abuse and the inevitable threats to throw me out.  I was completely, sickeningly, co-dependent. 

I came to a realization just now; while Ron does love me, he does not respect me.  It's not just the emotional abuse, the shouting "I don't care what you feel" and worse... It's not the put-downs.  It's the simple fact that he has no respect for me. 

A very wise man once said "The Devil loves to attack Christians by using their family members" - if you've ever wondered why that nice Christian lady had the drug addict son, or the child with depression, or whatever, that's it. 

Ron feels incredibly threatened when I assert myself; and always reverts to verbal abuse.  Just now he was shouting about how I [wasn't a doormat] like I used to... I was "good" then.  Don't you just want to VOMIT? 

Anyway, Ron came out of his room all fired up.  He wanted me to use keyboard commands to do a Disk Cleanup.  Did I do it in this sequence? 

I told him no, but I probably should, and I would do a disk cleanup using my mouse.  No, he insisted, he wanted to do it, using keyboard commands, on my computer.  Ron, I told him, I have a different operating system!  It won't work! 

I politely told him no thanks, please leave my system alone.  He is utterly enraged.  I got upset, because I realized he did not respect my answer "No, please do not touch my computer".   Ergo, he doesn't respect me. 

When I said it (admittedly he is not sober) he didn't deny it.  I think that's very sad.  People wonder why I hang onto Jesus - He's all I've got sometimes!   Ron absolutely does not respect me.  Along came the name calling - his.  I laugh now when he says I am defective and a broken POS, and he wants a "Normal" woman.  Normal would only last 'till the first time Ron didn't get his way, then she'd be long gone.  Assuming she would even look beyond the exterior, and tolerate the drinking...

Anyway, it escalated, Ron trying to turn my NO into a Yes.  I almost went along but I felt God saying "Stand Firm".  I realized I have allowed Ron to verbally abuse me, and threatening to "do it himself" to my computer just shows he feels very threatened.   A lot of shouting, he isn't dependent on me. 

And why?  BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO DO A HANDOUT!  Obviously, I always put things into a spiritual context, Bad Things are F-ing with my husband's head.  Sadly, he lets them. 

I realized we weren't going anywhere and it would be easy for things to escalate.  God always tells me the same thing:  Get Out.  So, I grabbed my keys (he has been known to lock me out of the house in retaliation), and some dinner, and ate it sitting on my butt in the driveway.  It's a nice night.  Ron ranted and raved in the house (you could hear him clear out to the street) and I sat out there eating my egg salad, waiting for him to go away. 

I feel really sorry, for the cat.  Poor thing.  How many times...

Anyway, I have a bad feeling my hard drive is in his crosshairs now.  I'll back up everything before I go to bed tonight. 

Start stuffing tracts

Since I was totally sleep deprived last night - the migraine stuck around until around 10 am this morning; and I had Bubba bring me a dead rat the size of a soda can.  UGH.  Anyway, I got manic. 

Ron goes "Boy, you're up".  I told him, don't worry, pills already on board, I'll be a lithium zombie soon.  I'm still a little up, you'll see from the video.  It's a lot easier to do a handout when I'm manic! 

Heidi, at work I tend to drink a lot of Diet RC canned sodas, and Diet Dr Pepper.  When traveling, I carry a couple 500ml bottles of Diet Dr Pepper.  I used to feel bad about my water intake (virtually non-existent), until I found out my water has radioactive "alpha particles".  It's like drinking cancer juice.  [scoff]  I'm a lot better off with a can of pop! 

Recently, it's been tasting "off" so I may switch to something else.  The Coke Zeros have been particularly delicious, the last couple times I drank them.  I don't know if it's me, or the pop. 

In fact, this morning I had kind of a surreal experience.  Before Ron and I married, I had a very common last name.  A woman was on the news this morning, and they kept calling my name.  We'll call it Smith.  "Heather Smith!"  "Heather decided to..." "Heather Smith!"  It was so creepy I left.  It was really messing with my head. 

Ron, like I said, was in a vile mood.  I finally walked off and said "Let me know when you can treat me like an employee".  He was always very considerate of his employees.  A couple minutes later he started hollering my name.  He very gradually got into a better mood, but overall pretty negative and pessimistic all day.  AGH. 

Well, it just makes me lean that much harder on Jesus!  I think if I had an easy life, I would not be so zealous.  I would probably want to stay in my nice safe bubble and never take any risks. 

We came home and pretty much went straight back out again. I brought my handcart.  The driver seemed to like us, but just HAD to play "Oh, did I pass your stop?"  It's like they want me to lose my temper and yell at them.  I didn't play.  I work very hard at being a patient person.  [rolleyes] 

I know why God will never allow us to win the lottery; we'd hire our own drivers.  We'd have professional drivers who were courteous and professional.  No games, no gabbing away on the cell phone, and no "Oh, I felt really lousy this morning, but I came into work anyway" all the while I am wondering what germs I am catching.  It, frankly, gets OLD. 

God wants us riding paratransit and the bus, waiting and waiting at bus stops.  One driver, upon arriving 90 minutes late, told the trainee "Look, we're 90 minutes late and she's smiling!"  I work VERY hard at being that person but I'm human and occasionally get tired. 

So, I went to the Christian bookstore.  Lots about that in my video.  I had special ordered some Bibles and set aside money for their purchase.  Well, the manager told me the clearance Bibles were already cleared before I placed my order.  Cool.  That meant I had $47 more than when I walked in. 

I got the stuff in the video and about 20 "Invitation" New Testaments, probably for handout tomorrow.  Which reminds me, I need to get my butt in gear and start stuffing tracts. 
Had a rough night. Hardly slept at all and Bubba brought me a dead rat. Actually determined to make it a good one; I view it as a spiritual attack. Ron is in a horrible mood & taking it out on me. (sigh) "Being cursed, we bless" badthings must be scared.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Oh, that sucked

That sucked pretty hard.  I'm finally starting to feel human again, but so exhausted.  I guess that's a good thing, because while I spent most of the day in bed, I need to get my 8 hours, in about an hour. 

Bubba-cat was very loving.  He kept positioning himself on and near me.  Ron was awesome, supplying me with ice bags, sympathy, quiet, and no complaining.  He didn't even burn his popcorn (he loves it slightly burnt).   It's easy to see why I love him. 

I made a pass at him and we both laughed pretty hard.  No way I was in in any shape for THAT.  [snort] 

Tomorrow will be crazy busy.  Going to work, don't expect it to be busy, but Ron is getting his headphones back from repair.  Then home, Starbucks, my favorite Christian store, and home again.  THEN I have to do up all the Bibles for the handout Thursday! 

I WILL do a video blog tomorrow night.  I might do a couple of little ones Thursday. 

That's it for now.  Still hurting and fiercely thirsty (lithium acts as a diuretic), but I think I'll live. 
Lying in bed, I seem to be cat furniture. Ron has provided plenty of ice bags. Hes also quiet and sympathetic. Feel like I lost my Day Out, but I will live.

On my Day off

Go away, evil migraine.  [groan]

Monday, November 22, 2010

I don't think it is.

Heidi's right; this life is not for wimps! 

Let me put up a photo of my new sign, and tell you all about my day. 


I'll talk about the sign, because it's right there.  I went with the larger size, and the flourescent pink.  It's a very "loud" color.  I had a wide-tip marker, which I used for the lettering.  I don't think I do the best lettering but I alway pray and ask God for help before doing my signs. 

I worry that "Bibles" is too small.  However, the sign you see to the left, this one:

will be set up before my handout area, pointing the way.  Then I'll be up there with Big Pink and the tote bag.  I feel that's the sign God wants me to use. 
So, I got up at 3, and did my God Time.  We had donuts today; so an early pickup.  I had enough time to bag up some Bibles, and plenty of candy.  We had very nice drivers all day long. 

Everyone was happy to get their Bible or scripture booklet.  I'm running a little depressed; it came out as a little more irritable.  I think I did a decent job of hiding it. 

So, we got to work and I got the donuts.  I took them back to Ron and he asked me about his wheelchair.  He wanted his Christmas lights (and garland), on the wheelchair.  I set them up and got it looking great.  Everyone who came into our area stopped dead, gaped a second (Ron in the wheelchair, festively lit and decorated), and then grinned.  I'm glad we did it early.  Saturday, I'll decorate the machines like I did last year. 

I did the snack machines.  They look good. 

The repairman (bad plunger on coffee machine) and the sandwich guy showed at the same time.  Sandwich guy, MY guy, is gone.  I am bummed.  I REALLY liked him.  The new guy is not very efficient; today he forgot the tacos.  So, [sigh] we'll see him AGAIN on Wednesday.   I am especially annoyed because I can tell he has FAS.  I really knew when he was having hysterics on the dock, trying to find the receipts.  We are terrible with paperwork. 

Got all of them managed, and stocked the food machines.  Then I did the sodas, always and ever assisting Ron on an as-needed basis.  He lost his badge (it's been turned off), so I have to "escort" him.  Today I "escorted" him pushing him in his travel wheelchair. 

We went out to the pickup area and there's Metrolift.  Nice driver.  The passenger is not my favorite guy - he's one of those ignorant, very opinionated guys.  I have given him at least a couple of New Testaments, Scripture booklets, etc as led by God.  We had a straight trip to the bank (we deposited some change). 

We had a LONG wait at the bank.  I went to the store and bought a snack, then gave the cashier/manager a bag of candy.  He was squinting at the Scripture booklet as I left.  I wonder if I will be welcome there again? 

Our ride finally came and off to the store.  They sell posterboard and do laminating.  I bought a posterboard, made the sign, and had it laminated.  It "shouldn't" rain on Thursday. 

I had enough time to walk over to a McDonald's.  Ron wanted a burger, and so did I.  I got ours, and an extra for the driver.  If I'm at a foodplace around lunchtime, I always try to get the driver a snack. 

I saw a woman in a Metrolift uniform buying a soda, I asked if she was picking us up.  She was.  I gave her "her" burger - she ate the whole thing by the time I got back out with Ron!  She was a new driver, and very nice.  I gave her some candy, too.  She really acted like it was a big deal.  

I don't think it is.  I just try to treat everyone the way I'd treat Jesus! 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's never a good time for eardrops - It's not HIS blood

I knew today would be interesting.  We had an early morning trip to Foodtown (I have figured out when they discount the hamburger meat to $1 a pound), a trip home, and then later on a planned trip with the wheelchair and the bus. 

I'm not feeling very bloggy today.  I'm sorry if my post seems stale.  Probably still a little depressed. 

We went to Foodtown.  I briefly considered buying some meat, but decided 5 pounds of cooked meat in the freezer was more than adequate.  I did get myself a small pot roast, we plan to donate blood later on this week and I need to ensure I've got plenty of protein and iron.  I also got some soda, powdered drink mix, a few cans of tuna and a jar of mayo, etc.  I spent about $30. 

Ron was thrilled to hear they still had the massively discounted lunch buckets.  He loves them; so he got an additional 20!  I was glad I brought my big tote bag!  We also got more Cup-A-Noodles for work; we sell them out of the cold food vending machine. 

A lot of junk, and not much for me!  [grin]  We had a good trip home. 

This morning, during my God Time, I noticed Bubba-cat had earmites.  He's been hanging out with some stray, I guess.  His ears felt hot and he kept wanting me to rub them, then he'd scratch away.  Frosty (white cat, now with Jesus) used to have ear mites all the time. 

So, later on, I got out the eardrops.  Poor old Bubs, all cozy in my bed.  I grabbed him by his scruff and immediately applied eardrops.  The sensation must be horrible, he put up quite a struggle. 

I've had several cats in my life.  Some cats, when you have to medicate them, truly want to hurt you.  They want to bite, scratch, and maim.  Baby Girl was like that (she was blind in one eye, and required eyedrops).  Bubby is a GOOD boy, he was fighting to get away from me and the dropper, but did not want to cause me harm.  He was very clear. 

Outweighing him by 8 times, and Bub's hampered by his desire NOT to harm me, I "won".  The eardrops were applied.  He was quite indignant for a while.  I felt terrible about getting him during a nap, but last time I tried to lure him with a can of "Tender Beef" feast and he still hasn't forgiven me for violating the sanctity of the foodbowl.  

It's never a good time for eardrops, or antibiotic, or whatever.  Never.  Kitty is never going to say "I won't mind at all if you dose me on the couch, but don't dose me on the floor!"  [snort]  You just have to grab them and do it. 

I get to be the bad guy due to Ron's blindness, etc.  He tried to dose a cat, once, in about 1995.  I was in the shower, kitty needed his antibiotic (he had kidney stones).  Ron decides "I'm only blind, I can do this.  I just grab him with one hand and use the other to put the pill down his throat!" 

This was back before we discovered the joys of the medicine dropper - a quick squirt down the throat.  So, Ron grabs Kitty. 

I heard male screams, cat yowlings, and an ominious thump that never WAS explained.  I ran out of the shower.  Ron was crouched over the cat.  The cat's head is covered in blood! 

I was horrified!  "Ron, HE'S BLEEDING!"   Ron looked up at me, snarling the words, "IT'S NOT HIS BLOOD, IT'S MINE!"  Oh, OK, I replied happily. 

The cat, while fighting, had clawed the corner of Ron's lip.  As he leaned over the cat, the blood dripped down on the cat's head.  Ron was OK. 

"I got him, though" he told me grimly.  "He took his medicine!"  The cat gazed at me, in that quiet, superior, feline manner.  I gazed back, at the blue tablet lying on the floor by Kitty's feet. 

"Yup" I replied, as Ron held the icepack on his lip, "You did."   I didn't tell Ron for years.  Needless to say, I'm the bad guy. 

Cat needs to go in the carrier?  I do it.  Kitty gets carried into the vet?  Me.  Kitty needs drops?  I administer them.  I know Bub's understands I love him enough to do this, and he has already, graciously, forgiven me. 

So, I dosed Bubs.  We'll see if he hangs out with me during my evening God Time.  We planned our trips for tomorrow, and got ready to head out. 

Ron got in his wheelchair and off to the bus stop.  He always acts like it's a big deal for me to push him somewhere, it's not.  I told him I could use the workout anyway. 

We went to Radio Shack and got some plugs.  Then off to a grocery store, and then a bus.  We waited a bit for the bus.  The bus came, and off pushing again.  We had a great time talking. 

At one point, I started singing "Stand up, Stand up for Jesus" as I pushed Ron up a steep incline.  My international readers will appreciate this; it's easy to use a wheelchair in America. 

In the 1970's, activists ensured that equal access became a right for every American.  All sidewalks have ramps, to enable passage of people using wheelchairs, walkers, strollers, etc.  It was pretty smooth and easy to push Ron from one location to another, even within our subdivision.  I am not letting out any secrets to say we don't live next to the bus stop!  I have to push him there! 

Houston is not well known for great sidewalks or even as a pedestrian friendly city, but it works for us.  We got Ron a snack, and then Starbucks.  We left when we finished, and had a good trip home. 

I handed out a lot of candy and such.  Good. 

I'm pleasantly tired and will probably sleep well tonight.  I accidentally squirted ear medicine all over myself (after dosing Bubba), so I took my shower already.  All I need now is a snack, and my God Time, and I'm ready for bed. 

It was a busy day!  Tomorrow we work and run some errands, more on that later. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sorry, kids

I had a problem with the video blog.  Too big for Youtube (I thought only the time mattered), and then Blogger here ate it, again. 

I'll do another one tomorrow. 

I'll be back.

So, Ron and I went to Burger King.  We had a bit of a wait to come home, but [shrug] it's hard to remember a time when we just walked everywhere.  We did, though. 

I've never just gotten in my car and driven home when I was done, either.  So, waiting around and using a questionable public bathroom, just part of the picture. 

I had a LOVELY burger, and another one awaits me in the fridge.  I might make some pumpkin pudding, too. 

Came home, took a half-hour nap.  That's all I need on the Wellbutrin.  I had a pretty nasty headache when I woke up this morning, and took Excedrin twice today.  Excedrin has tylenol, which raises lithium levels.  I made sure to drink A LOT of liquids! 

I'm going to go hit my God Time, take my shower, call Mom & Dad.  Probably do a video blog, too.  I'll be back. 

Venial Sin

Poor, dumb, idiot.  They're going to hell and they probably don't even care! 

Who?  [rolleyes]  Whoever broke into my stockroom.  Yup, they're at it again. 

They got rid of the padlock, opened the keylock with their custodial key, and poked around.  Probably more exciting to enter the "Forbidden Zone" than to actually steal anything. 

I've said it before, I'll say it again; we keep very little in the stockroom.  We have sodas, a small amount of chips and cookies, and that's it.  No cash, no candy.  Candy is too expensive - what I buy goes straight into the machines.  From what I can tell, they got a few bags of chips and a couple cans of Dr Pepper. 

I try to envision a mindset where it is OK to take anything like that; to just violate a stockroom and help oneself to the merchandise.  What do they tell themselves that makes it OK?  Do they believe in God, or do they just think "Better grab what I can for myself because when I'm dead that's it"? 

Do they believe in God at all?  Do they think they are breaking His laws?  Does that make it exciting for them?  Or do they think "Because I go to church, tithe, or do a good deed now and then, that cancels this out?"  I don't know.  I feel very, very, sorry for them. 

The Catholic Church used to say stealing less than $20 was a "Venial Sin" and not even worth confession.  God sees things differently, of course. 

I tried to load the online Bible database but it crashed my computer; safe to say you can look up "steal" or "rob" and find a lot about how God hates it, in any amount.  Even assuming we were a big corporation, it's wrong. 

How much worse to steal from 2 people with disabilities!  We work our butts off to make a living.  Who can look at poor blind Ron, in his wheelchair, and say it is alright to steal from him?   My disabilities are not obvious, but equally severe. 

Maybe they think we got some kind of huge settlement from the accident [cue Heather: hysterical laughter].  Yeah, that's why we get up at 2 AM on delivery days.  I don't know; and I don't think I want to ever be in a place where I could understand that mindset. 

I took it surprisingly well.  I got a new padlock, taped a tract onto the door, and put a bag of Driver Candy with Scripture booklet on the door.  Who knows, it might bear fruit. 

All I know, there's a self-entitled dumbass at work, on the Highway to Hell, right now. 

Friday, November 19, 2010

Any day without a headache is a good day

I was really worried I'd wake up with a migraine, I didn't.  We went to Starbucks, came home.  I took a nap (it's my Offday), and started cleaning and organizing the bedroom closet.  Once I finish, I plan to eat my dinner, do my PM Godtime, and get to bed early. 

Today?  Just catching up on housework.  I threw an old blanket over the fence last night for the neighbors dog.  Short hair, no shelter, and lows in the 40's.  I couldn't do anything else; Ron called the Humane Society (days ago, they have already started an investigation) and let them know I did the blanket, not the dog "owner". 

The dog is thrilled.  I took Ron for a "walk" - just a few blocks, and she was delighted to see him next to the loose fence board.  She pushed her nose out and licked him. 

We tell each other "It's not HER fault." 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

They throw the rolls at your head

So, as you've read a ratber challenging day.  I was already fighting depression and Ron was pretty negative.  At one point, another client literally LEAPT out of the vehicle, saying "I'm OUTTA HERE!"  It's funny now, but pretty sad at the time. 

We got up early, I did my first blog on the way to the wholesale warehouse.  I got there and got all the chips and crackers we needed.  Compared to our wholesaler, I saved us over $30, and like I told the employeee "You never make me get up at 2 AM and you don't have a minimum order." 

Probably got too much stuff, but they let us ride anyway.  I gave a New Testament to another passenger, blind.  Ooops.  She didn't give it back, so will probably re-distribute.  I am eager to get the braille tracts I ordered. 

Finally got to work; it was BUSY!  Yeah, holidays!  I will need yet MORE candy and cookies.  The coffee machine is acting up, and needs servicing.  I stuffed everything I could and then Chuck met us. 

We decided to go to the Potatoe Patch.  They throw rolls at you.  Literally, a man walks around with muffins, or rolls, and if you indicate you want one he throws it.  It was fun. 

I was bad, I ate a bread roll, all hot and yeasty and dripping with butter.  I started itching "Right Quick" - took 1 Benadryl.  Then I ate a chocolate chip muffin, all hot and dripping with butter.  Yum.  I ate the shrimp and steak, we all did. 

We had a great lunch and then ran by Favorite Dollar.  I got some stuff I needed.  It is pretty hard to lug home a gallon of bleach, on the bus!  So I got my cleaning stuff and Driver Candy supplies.  We ran Ron's errand. 

Then we came home.  I was beat, plus overrun in carb grams... I took a nap.  Just woke up.  Ron seems to be in a much better mood. 

I think we ALL needed a nice Day Out. 
Doing better. Saved some $$ at the warehouse.
Ron's in a truly VILE mood today. Haven't gone 5 minutes without complaining. SICK of it; I'm already battling depression; but if I tell him he complains more. To him, God is "torture man". Why am I so "devout"?!?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I need to go do my God Time.

Ugh.  Nasty headache all day. 

I didn't do much today; spent some quality time with Ron, caught up on laundry.  Planning my next Big Bible Handout (most likely Thanksgiving); I'll have a 2 sided sign.  One side will say "Happy Thanksgiving" the other side "Free Bibles".  That should be fun. 

I'm just cooking a chicken and some ham; pumpkin pudding, and some beef & veggie soup.  Ron loves my soup, and has no idea how many veggies it contains. 

I've done some nice things for myself, I bought 2 nice wool blankets from Harbor Freight tools, for the disaster kit.  I have one already, it's on my bed.  It's very cozy.  I moved the bed and I'm rearranging the bedroom.  I really like it.  I got a lovely New Testament from the bookstore yesterday, a HCSB version, only $5.  It has fake leather and everything.  I slept in today. 

Tomorrow promises to be pretty fun, too.  I go to the warehouse, get some chips for work.  Then we go to work and stock them.  After work, we meet Chuck and run some errands. 

I need to go do my God time, first, though. 

Passion for Christ

I'm sitting here in front of my computer, typing away in my, floral, cotton-knit nightgown.  The cat's stretched out on the loveseat, cleaning himself.  The sun's coming through my window and I feel so very sad and frustrated. 

I woke up this morning with a headache, partly my fault, too much sugarfree icecream.  The meds also predispose to headaches and Mom will tell you I have always gotten headaches! 

Why am I upset?  [sigh]  All the evangelism books.  One day I'll get smart; and realize I need to save my money.  That's right, save my money.  THEY AREN'T WORTH THE PAPER THEY'RE PRINTED ON!

The only decent book I've gotten on Evangelism or Christian Living is Brother Yun's "Living Water".  The only book on Christian living, that I've kept after reading. 

The other ones are so frustrating.  Some of them start off really well, let's go get 'em!  If we believe the unreached are going to hell, when they die, we need to act like we give a damn and try to reach them!  Who can argue with that?  Yes, YES!  I cry eagerly, reading further. 

One book tells me, the only way I can reach people is by walking up to strangers and offering them money; showing them their "sinfulness" and getting them to repent of their sins.  Other books talk a lot about social justice, but I don't hear anything about Bibles distributed or souls saved.  The rest are all scholarly treatises on evangelism; taking a subject I find incredibly exciting and turning it into something boring! 

Why does an evangelist have to be an eagle OR a sheep?  Why can't they be an evangelist?  Why can't I be Heather, and why are you trying to force me into another role? 

Where are the people out on the street?  Where is the PASSION?   Even in evangelism forums, if I can find them, people are bogged down, fingerpointing, bickering, and judging each other.  You know how many people have gotten positively NASTY with me because I DON'T hand out the old King James Bibles? 

I have one thing to say to them.  I'm on that corner, handing out MY Bibles,  You can have any of the other 3 corners if you'd like. 

[scoff]  I don't know about them, but I can't comprehend KJV; my brain damage and the medication ensure it.  My target group is not college level, either.  MOST IMPORTANTLY, I am not "in this" for human approval.  I'm in this to get God's approval, and I know I'm doing His will. 

I know with every atom of my being, I'm doing exactly what He wants.  I'm handing out Candy with Chinese Scripture booklets to my Chinese food delivery guy.  I'm handing out Spanish to Spanish, and everyone who meets me is offered a bag of candy, a scripture booklet, or a Bible. 

God draws people to him; John 6:44.  I just have to get His word into their hands. 

Someone got upset, and said the people should just buy or read their own Bibles.  Well, they AREN'T.  So, it's my job.  And if they see me out there in the rain, handing out Bibles, maybe it'll get them thinking about God and His plan for them. 

They'll open a Bible I give them, because I BOTHERED, and see God's love and His plan for their lives. 

It seems no one else is up for the job.  So go ahead and bicker, I'll be out on my corner.

I'm the one with the "Free Bibles" sign. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The punchline

The whole debate on stayhome/go out. 

I'm riding my second bus, home.  The driver is thrilled to see me.  He LOVES the "Invitation" New Testamants.  Where do I buy them? 

He is so excited to start handing them out; because I went out today he can go get as many as he'd like.  I tore the top off my receipt so he has the address AND phone number, too. 

Ha!  I know why I got up today. 
Soo, I went to the store. Probably would've stayed home but I had my coupon. Get there and read it. Not valid yet! Well, it got me out of the house!

5 pounds of meat

Well, I cooked all 5 pounds of ground beef.  I am completely tired; I'm wondering if I should just stay home today. 

The meat was portioned into 3 sections (the way the grinder worked, I guess), and I did each differently: Burrito meat for Ron, cooked with Bolner's Chili seasoning; Italian beef, with rosemary and "Italian Seasoning" then added tomato sauce before bagging and freezing.  Thaw and eat for dinner.  Lastly, I did some "Onion and Garlic" ground beef.  I used a whole package of "seasoning blend" - sauteed in the skillet until nice and limp, then added the meat and tons of garlic.  It's almost done, then I'll freeze it. 

Later on, I need to season and freeze Mr Chicken, or make plans to cook him BEFORE next Thursday. 

I worry that taking a nap indicates a surrender to depression; which is still around,but not close.  Or is it simple good sense "If you're tired, take a nap"?  If fatigue WERE NOT a feature of my depressions, I'd nap. 

I am also a little concerned I don't want to go to the bookstore (and I have a major coupon), or Starbucks.  Ah. 

Will most likely pray on this before doing anything. 

Let's go to Foodtown!

It's my day off, also known as "Offday".  I needed some groceries, so we went to Foodtown. 

I decided to do a Thanksgiving chicken.  What do I care?  Meat is meat.  Ron hasn't wanted turkey the last couple years, so I'll be the only one eating it.  I think I mentioned he has requested a "Hungry Man" turkey dinner.  He says my cooking is fine, he just wants a Hungry Man.  OK.  I wouldn't want him telling ME what to eat! 

I got a nice little 3 pound chicken, and a couple pounds of ham ends.  That brand (Sherwood) is very flavorful, it browns nicely in the skillet and even the cat likes it (see Sunday post).  I also found 5 pounds of ground beef nearing the sell-by date.  Wow. 

It's cooking right now; I won't leave the house until it's all cooked and frozen.  Ron's excited, he loves my burritos.  I'm cooking 1/3 of it as burrito fixings, 1/3 for beef in tomato sauce, and 1/3 for beef & eggs. 

I also got some powdered drink mix, canned pumpkin, and my soda. 

Time to finish cooking the meat! 

It IS working

Completely humiliating.  I don't even want to share this, I'm so embarrassed and mad. 

What?  As you know, I've been getting munched with a nasty depression; it gets worse every day. 

On a not-unrelated note, I use a pill box.  It has a box for the morning and the evening.  I did it up on about Thursday of last week.  About when my depression started. 

Today, I ate and got ready to take my pills like I always do.  I looked down into my palmful of tablets, saying "Boy, I really need my Wellbutrin today."  I looked.  I looked again.  NO WELLBUTRIN. 

I messed up filling my pillbox.  I didn't put any Wellbutrin in there at all!  Horror. 

I immediately took what I had in my hand, and got the Wellbutrin and took 2 (daily dose) right out of the bottle.  Pretty soon here comes the nausea, then the hot flash.  It's working. 

It IS working.  It just had to be inside my body!  Oh, I am mortified.  I am so diligent about taking my meds, but somehow I just screwed up! 

Good news, this "depression" is already ending. 

So horrified and embarrassed! 

Spare them pain

My husband has nerve disease.  Any kind of standing and walking is very painful for him. 

To compensate, I've tried to make his life as painless as possible.  When we go to the store, as soon as we get out of the cab I find him a comfortable place to sit.  At work, I bring a wheelchair to the bus stop so he doesn't have to walk into the building.  He sits in the wheelchair at work as much as possible. 

After all, isn't that what we do for those we love?  Spare them pain? 

That's what I thought until he started having trouble standing up, or even standing at all!  His doctor told him he was too sedentary, and putting his mobility at risk!  If I kept "helping" him, pretty soon he might not be able to stand at all! 

This morning, I was battling depression; again.  My illness is well controlled but I will always suffer.  I wondered to myself why it's necessary for me to hurt like this. 

God reminded me of my husband.  I must look pretty mean now, "Making" him get up and walk as far as possible, in spite of the fact that it causes him pain.  I love him ENOUGH to do this; when the "easy" thing would be to spare him pain. 

God loves me enough to make ME walk, on painful and bleeding feet, through this life; because it's working for my greater good.  He can see the strength, endurance, and faith that develops from these dark midnight walks over gravel. 

I don't; but I know God loves me FAR more than I love my husband.  Anything He sends me is a gift. 

Give me a strong back to carry my burdens, Lord. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Testing my phone & email blog. I will be able to do nice long blogs. Still fighting depression. I'm going to really enjoy my next mania. Lets see if it works.

I've had ENOUGH of you!

So, last night, I had a lovely meal of fried ham, pumpkin pudding, and cheddar cheese all set out on the table.  My phone rang, Mom & Dad.  We haven't connected in weeks - I hear active "seniors" are far healthier in all respects, so they're in good shape.  I'd rather miss talking to them once or twice, than know all they do is sit at home. 

I left my dinner on the table, and turned my back to the table as I sat on the couch to talk with Mom. 

Mom was horrified about poor old Dum-dum the dog.  No shelters, it's getting cold.  She encouraged us to report the owners to the Humane Society; they will investigate.  If someone came out to do a welfare check on Bubba (black cat in photos), I would laugh.  He is so overfed he's obese.  He has his own furniture.  He has his own door!  He lives better than we do!   One of my taglines: The DUMB animal has the alarm clock! 

My hope: someone will come out and discuss proper dog care with the adults; and she will have a better living situation.  She's a very sweet dog, just lonely and somewhat neglected.  I am very excited about getting some concrete to pour in any holes; and some more wood to repair any future holes.  I can work this; better this than some drug dealer next door. 

Imagine my horror as I got up and saw Bubba, feasting away on my ham!  He'd eaten about 7 ounces of delicious fried ham!  I screeched at him and he looked up: WHAT?  It's funny now, but I was a little pissed. 

I had one of those fatty gristly things; I put that down on the floor for him as a treat, and he ate it later on.  {Gag}

I've been battling depression; more than I'd like but I am enjoying life with only moderate difficulties.  I'm singing along with this - it always cheers me up. 

Some, in fact, many people, especially Christians, are extremely harsh and judgemental about Gospel Metal and Gospel rap.  I feel sorry for them; and I laugh inwardly at their comments.  "Nothing that sounds LIKE THAT can praise God!"  That's OK, honey, you go enjoy your choir and I will listen to my guys. 

I KNOW there is Heavy Metal in Heaven. 

Depression munched me some, but I went to bed early.  I have added "Operation World" to my prayer time, doing research on the country of the day and praying for all needs to be met.  I basically start with praying for myself, and end up with worldwide (literally).  Suff like safe employment, adequate nutrition, safety, etc. 

I didn't sleep very well, woke up often enough, with wierd enough thoughts in my head, that I sang myself back to sleep with "Laying the Demons to Rest" (see link).   My mental illness keeps me COMPLETELY dependent on God, let me tell you, even WITH medication.  My head can be a scary place at times; and I'm stuck. 

If someone else scares me, I can get away!   I can't escape myself! 

I woke up and only did part of my God Time.  I felt God telling me to stop  I understood when I went to say hi to Ron and he wanted to talk (and cuddle!).  It took a while to talk (this is all completely G rated).  I ate some pumpkin pudding and we left for work. 

I had gotten more Invitation New Testaments; so I put several in with the existing candy.  I have probably several pounds of candy all bagged up and ready to go at this moment.  I do plan to add more New Testaments. 

We got to work, things are pretty quiet.  The other vendor was very jolly (scratching head).  Jolly, good.  I am just happy we are out of "Vindictive".  We thanked them for helping us with the soda order. 

Quite a bit of my job: Ron summons me and I go over to help.  He called me, I went over.  He handed me a plastic tray (for 20 ounce soda bottles).  It was very quiet, and we were alone.  Teasingly, I picked it up. 

"Oh, I'll take it!  That's all I do, TAKE IT!  I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!" I raised it over my head as Ron pretend cringed in his wheelchair. 

That's when she walked around the corner.  There I am, plastic tray upraised over my head, Ron "cringing" before me in the wheelchair.  Oh, CRAP!

I put the tray down.  "I'm kidding, we're just kidding around!" 

"No she isn't!" Ron "cried" despairingly!

The woman stood frozen in place.  "It's OK,"  Ron told her.  "We're married." 

"Are you SURE?"  She was very protective. 

"Absolutely" he replied.  He slapped my butt "Get out of here!"  I left. 

She was still looking over her shoulder as she left.  [snort]  It just goes to show, no matter how quiet, you just can't kid around.  I'm lucky I didn't get reported. 

Maybe she did, and they said "Oh, her?  She's bipolar!" 

The rest of the day was not as exciting.  We filled 'em up and left. 

We went to our other location.  Stocked about 4 cases of soda; it's nice and full.  They would LOVE a snack machine, we'll see if we can get one.  I think they are the right size for a small, table-top unit.  Our guy is talking to HIS guy, we might even get one. 

Our pickup was pretty late.  When he pulled up, I decided to tease him.  I am carrying about 4 pounds of bagged up Driver Candy on my arm.  He is a candy fiend. 

I got in and he apologized for being late.  "No, I'M sorry.  You were so late Ron ate ALL the candy!"  What?  He looked so distraught. 

"I'm kidding" I told him as I handed him a bag.  He began snacking away.  Because he was late, we didn't have as much time at Walmart.  I forgot the eggs and butter. 

Happily, I DID remember to get granulated Splenda (for pumpkin pudding), a 29 ounce can of pumpkin (will make about 6 cups of pudding), gum, and assorted non-melty driver candy items.  Ron bought the Splenda and some sausage patties; so I could afford the Driver Candy. 

We had a nice ride home with a lady who hasn't had us in years.  She was a sweetie.  Once I put up my stuff, I took my nap.  Pretty gloomy when I woke up but I'm doing better now.  I took my second lithium with lunch so I can eat a small dinner. 

Tomorrow's my Offday so I'm not sure what I'll do; the neighborhood where I usually spend at least part of my Offdays has really degenerated.  I don't always feel safe.  I need to pray on that. 

Of course the truly "nice" areas are completely inaccessible by public transit.  I'll go wherever God sends me. 

Bubba just came in, he's wet and cold.  I bet he's happy to be home.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Blues they sent to meet me

Ron woke up, had some pretty depressing conversation.  "God is cruel"  I let it drag me down. 

I had to take it to God; and remind myself God's in control.  He is using me; I just need to hang onto Him and be strong.  Leave all the burdens on His shoulders, and for His sake don't try to carry my own burdens! 

I did some nice things to take care of myself.  I made a FINE dinner of fried him, cheddar cheese, and pumpkin pudding.  Had a great talk with Mom and Dad; while we chatted Mr Bubba Cat came along and ate a whole ham steak.  Bad kitty! 

Now I'm going to take my pills, shower, and God Time.  Then bed. 

Give me a strong back to carry my burdens, Lord. 
I came so close to vomiting earlier I brought a bucket in here.  I also spent some quality time panting, breathing fast, and spitting into it.  I woke up with HORRIBLE cramps, and developed a headache.  The neighbor's dog won't stop barking, it's cold and dreary, and Ron is feeling very negative towards God and told me ALL about it.  [laugh] 

You'd think it was a crappy day, but it isn't.  I took the Tylenol on an empty stomach at an early hour, and it worked.  No more cramps.  Everything is within normal "cycle" parameters. 

Did you know I have an ovarian cyst?  On my left ovary?  I was born with it.  It's a "dermoid".  It's visible on ultrasound but when I had surgery (on the other cyst), they looked and cut all over, but couldn't find it.  It has a 2% chance of becoming malignant. 

I had a cyst on my right overy, about half a centimeter.  Boy, that rascal hurt so bad I started sleeping on my left side.  I had it removed.  After the sugery, I may not have been able to have kids.  [shrug]  That was 10 years ago.  Doesn't matter.  Besides, I think at age 36 my eggs are at their "use by" date!  [laugh]

Anyway, I slept late, didn't have a headache when I woke up, didn't vomit, I'm going to have pumpkin pudding and fried ham for dinner; and God is helping me become a better housekeeper.  I've been asking.  I am physically comforable and Ron isn't in any physical pain.   I found a great picture of Frosty and put it by my monitor.  Such a sweet kitty with the big green eyes; I miss him. 

Bubba came over and rubbed against me when I was about to vomit; he was very loving.  He's been a loafing around the house cat today. 

I plan to go to bed early tonight.  I'll probably wash the dishes, work on putting away the clean clothes and picking up the bedroom, cook my dinner, eat, do the dinner dishes, and take my shower.  God Time, and then bed. 

I think I'll order Ron some titanium drill bits; the last time I did a fence patch he was really upset because he couldn't find the drill bit. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Partial Video Blog

Take a peek at my prayer list

Technical difficulties

I had some technical difficulties, but you'll get the gist of my day [work, put up a lot of soda, helped Ron, went to Starbucks, went to Christian bookstore.  Bought a good book on worldwide prayer.  50 New Testaments, and 50 tracts.   Lugged it back to Starbucks, went home.  Nap.  Blog.]  I ran out of memory around 7:30 minutes...

I am also gave you a peek into my prayer list notebook.  If you want to hear the rest of it, let me know and I'll do the whole thing. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

No video tonight, sorry.

Nothing struck me... so I'll do one tomorrow.  Meds have me pretty stupid, too. 

Good thing Ron is not demanding.  He's been in his mancave since we got home. 

Have a good night!  I'm off to do my shower, God Time and bed. 

Dumb hands from the lithium

So, let me tell you about my day and then I'll go make a video.  I'm pretty alert right now, well for me I am. 

Got up early, helped Ron get ready for Doc.  God time and did up some candy.  JUST had enough time.  I brought a 6 pack of Diet Dr Peppers.  I also took the 2 Wellbutrin; as I told you. 

It worked, I had no depression at all.  I did get a roaring attack of the stupids around noon.  My shopping list went away.  I've told you how things just go away in my world. 

It wasn't too bad waiting at the doctor.  She had no problem with getting Ron more Neurontin, but ordered blood tests.  Good.  Liver and kidneys.  I handed out a lot of candy at the office, everyone liked it. 

She said, in her opinion, Ron's problem sounded like a weakness issue; addressable in Physical Therapy.  So, protesting Ron will be going, at least a few times.  I will encourage him with the opportunity to share his "Crazy Blind Man Speech".  I might even get him to share it tonight, if he's willing.  He said no, sorry. 

We had a pretty short wait on our next ride, which took us to Walmart.  Ron and I turned in our prescriptions, (I am OK for now, so I had them input into the system).  I looked around.  By now I was pretty dim. 

I just pushed him around the store in circles, aimlessly gaping at everything.  I had forgotten my list, but did remember I wanted some sugarfree drink mix, diet pop, and Driver Candy.  I got that. 

I stuffed them all in a giant tote I brought.  We went outside and waited (very nice today, mid to upper 70's partly cloudly, lovely humidity).  I did my text blog; and there's our ride. 

It was a nice guy who loves the candy.  He dropped us off at a Starbucks.  By the time I got Ron settled and went to the counter, they had already made my drink!  How sweet!  I got our drinks, paid, and headed off. 

I headed straight for the toy section.  I asked God to help me find good toys, and I think I did.  Toy monsters, a set of cars, a puzzle, coloring book, board game, crayons, etc for a little boy.  I have 2 shoeboxes.  I found a "Barbie", puzzles, game, etc. for a little girl.  I'll be taking the shoeboxes full of toys to a store, and they will distribute at Christmas.  One child got a handknit had I had made a while back.  I also put in some candy. 

I got myself peanuts (6 bags per package), and more plastic bags.  I have used a lot of "sandwich" recently.  I can always use more sandwich, quart, and gallon zip top bags.  I don't do well with the bags with a zipper, I can never figure it out.  Either my hands are dumb from the lithium or the brain can't figure it out. 

Let me hasten to add I love dumb hands from the lithium.  Sometimes I have trouble picking things up, turning pages, etc.  Perfectly fine. 

I did ask God, when I started medication, if He would please permit me to enjoy my crafts (knitting and crochet).  He did.  I am always able to knit or crochet. 

OH!  I just remembered the giant chocolate bars!  I got 2 at Walmart, one for each child.  I just retrieved them and put them into their boxes.  They look NICE now.  Chocolate, hard candy, chewy candy, various assorted toys, and a little Jesus.  I put "The Way to God" children's Scripture booklets from World Missionary Press. 

Whew.  An ignorant woman tried to start a confrontation with me.  I wish, now, I had given her a bag of candy.  [sigh]  If God had wanted me to do it, He would have told me so. 

I think the employees at the store were very protective of me.  I thought it was sweet. 

I went back to Starbucks.  The "Heavy Whipping Cream Steamer" I consume has a lot of calories, equivalent to a good meal.  I thought "Why wait to take my lithium?", and took it.  Oddly, I think it made me sharper. 

Generally lithium is certain to make me very thirsty.  I drink a lot, and urinate accordingly.  If I can get all that accomplished BEFORE bed time, so much the better! 

We came home, I put the items in the house.  I checked the mail and heard the dog behind us barking madly.  I went to look.  Stupid was in our yard again.  I ran her off, and secured the gate so she couldn't come back. 

I rewarded Barky (the good boy who lives behind us with a loving family) with some dog biscuits.  I inpected the fence again and couldn't find the point of entry, until I looked past he wheelbarrow.  She'd dug a hole.  I looked through the wooden fence.  She has dug other holes, all over the yard, into other adjoining yards. 

Is there anyone nearby who likes the dog, I wonder?  I fixed it, took a lot of trouble.  I took off my jeans and put on some old shorts, and some comfy plastic slip-on shoes I got at Giant $.  For a Dollar, they are fantastic shoes.  Basically I laid a short square over the top of the hole, and put a bucket with gravel on top.  I then secured it from the side, propping a huge board against the fence. 

Eventually I guess I will need cement, or concrete... I can evict the dog from our yard, and as she runs wild in the neighborhood pour some fast-set concrete in the hole.  By the time they come home, catch her, and put her in the yard, it will have set. 

When the kids came home from school today they had to catch her again.  When they first moved it, it was fun.  "Doggy!  Doggy!  Come here!"  Giggle, giggle.  "Come HERE, Doggy!"  No so much fun today.  The kids were genuinely angry and frustrated. 

So is the mother.  The father does NOTHING to secure the dog or repair damages; and yet more boards loose on the busy side of the street!  I don't see a good end for that dog. 

It DOES explain the mystery of the silence last night, and yesterday's incursion into our yard.  The hole.  Ah, well.  It is good use of the creative thinking and problem solving  skills! 

And it's not an evil dog; it's just a dumb animal.   I love Barky, my backfence dog.  He and I have figured out the knothole in the fence.  He sticks his nose through the hole, I present my hand.  He licks it.  I give him dog biscuits, praising him for being a good boy.  He stays on his side of the fence, I stay on mine.  I seldom hear him bark; that's why I knew I had a backyard "problem". 

He did bark quite a bit at first, hence his name.  He settled down pretty quick. 

Oh!  This morning I found my incense!  I like to burn incense.  I love to do it during my God Time.  It is certainly Biblical.  I don't burn it to anything, just stick it on my Acacia wood tray and let it smoke.  I think it makes God Time more fun. 

I had misplaced it; I had more in the room here, but this was my bedroom incense.  It had the lavender.  I love lavender.  I was hunting around aimlessly and thought about asking God for help.  I said "Well, when the Master of the Universe gets a free second" laugh "I could ask."   I had the idea to look behind a box.  When I had moved it, I put it in front of the incense.  I laughed pretty hard. 

God was not too busy to help.  Other things in my life just go away, never to be seen again.  [shrug]  I try to be flexible. 

I'm done with my repair.  I look around.  It's a nice day, I'm in my grubbies.  I'm showering at night now.  Why not play in the garden? 

It was completely overgrown, happily the drought did a lot of weeding for me.  I had a good time out there until it got dark.  The yard looks a lot better.  I might even make a video one day. 

I came in, Ron's having problems with an MP3 player.  I worked on it - he ended up using DOS to format it.  It works fine now.  He got on the recumbent exercise bike for 10 minutes.  He is pretty resistant to the idea of physical therapy. 

That's been my day so far.  Tomorrow it's work, and then Starbucks near the Christian bookstore.  I will take the boxes, and a large jar of Now & Laters to them.  I'll buy some New Testaments and see if my special order came in.  Then I'll walk back and come home with Ron. 

I'll think a little on video ideas.  You'll know if I make one. 
Meds have me goofy & I forgot my list. Should be fun @ $store.
Ron is OK. Doc wants him to do physical therapy

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sad but true

Today I was waiting outside the wholesale warehouse.  Some veterans were collecting donations; they send care packages overseas.  I walked out and they greeted me. 

I told them I'd be waiting on a ride, and apologized in advance.  "Don't worry about it!"  He said "By the way, I love your t-shirt!" 

I was wearing my navy t-shirt, with "IN GOD I TRUST" boldly emblazoned above and American flag.  Always good for a national holiday.  I don't exactly hide my light under a bushel!  I grinned and waited. 

About 10 minutes later, I got a prompting from God to give them  some candy (I hand out bags of candy with Scripture booklets.  Sub Bible for Scripture booklet and that's the rest of what I do.)  I aim to be obedient.  I got to bags of candy with the booklet and handed them over. 

They thanked me very kindly and the man dove right for the booklet.  Rarely, I get some odd reactions when they see it's a "Jesus" item.  I tensed. 

"Oh, this is GREAT!" He said as he flipped through the pages.  "I had a friend when I was a kid, used to hand out tracts.  He's a minister now."  He paused, then sadly continued. 

"No one hands out tracts anymore." 

He got worse

Whenever someone says "I have good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?"  I ALWAYS say Bad news.  I'd rather end on a positive note.  So that's what I'll do today! 

Ron is getting worse.  He is having a lot more difficulty standing up and walking.  He moves a lot slower.  So, we're seeing his doctor.  Hopefully she will just say "Exercise more" or "You're just getting old" - a favorite line from Ron's favorite doc. 

I got rather impatient with him the other day and said "Dude, you move slower than my Dad!"  Well, Dad goes for miles long walks... so yeah.  Dad's pretty spry, and my husband isn't!

[shrug]  If he can't improve, I'm not sure how it will affect us.  More use of the wheelchair?  That's about the worst case as I see it.  On a positive note, using a wheelchair guarantees he won't be crammed in the backseat of a cab, against an overlarge person with bathing issues, either. I'm always looking up!


We already tried a walker several years ago.  Oh, just remembering that is enough to get me slapping my leg again and shaking my head.  Ron had a stroke.  His right side is weak; so he will ALWAYS veer to the right, into the wall.  Every 2 feet or so.  [clutching head in hands]  Yeah.  Then I have to drag the walker out and line it up again, as he shoves it into the wall again.  We figured out "right quick" it was far easier for him to use me as his walker; leaning heavily on my right shoulder as I balanced and guided him at the same time. 

I'm glad I'm young, healthy, and strong.  Physical assistance is no big deal.  I enjoy helping him. 

Now I know how Ron feels when he knows I'm depressed.  It's awful to watch someone you love hurting. 

I have decided, speaking of depression, to increase my Wellbutrin.  Doc said 1-2 tablets a day.  Normally I take 1.  Today I was getting muched by a nasty depression, took another tablet, was OK.  This has happened with some frequency recently.  So, for now, I'll just take 2.  If I start getting manic I'll go down. 

I like getting under my "mood" hood and tinkering.  I like being aware of my moods and adjusting my lifestyle and medication as needed. 

By the way, I have prayed quite a bit about the neighor dog situation.  As you know, the dog destroys the fence, gets into our yard, runs wild in the neighborhood, and barks all night long. 

In fact, when we came home today guess who was in the yard?  I ran her off and secured the gate with the BOTTOM latch.  She apparently got out on the other side of the yard, by the street, then came around and squirmed through the bottom of the gate, into our yard.  Just in case, I double checked all my many patches (over 50 feet of shared, old, wooden fence), and braced a few patch boards that might have provided an entry point. 

About a week ago it suddenly occured to me: (30 years ago) when Ron was dating a woman with a guide dog, the training school told her: "If you leave the dog alone in your apartment, turn on a radio.  They find it soothing." 

What the heck, I thought, why not?  It won't hurt, and it might help with the endless nighttime barking.  Imagine my shock when it WORKED.  It's not foolproof, but the only time she's gone "nuts" was when the battery died or the volume was too low (I did it instead of Ron because he was asleep).  I was happy. 

She's not a bad dog, but I don't think these people will be living there long.  They have a stuffed trash can full of trash just sitting in the yard, been there for weeks.  The trash company won't take it because it's not in the proper receptacle (of which they have 3!).  They are throwing other trash items on the grass now.  In the FRONT yard. 

The homeowners take great pride in the home, and I have heard them yelling at tenants on multiple occasions.  They have already yelled at these tenants because they weren't mowing the yard. 

On the one hand, they are pretty quiet (not counting the dog), mannerly (not counting the dog and refusing to repair the dog damage to the fence - even when Ron gave them wood), and the kids stay out of my yard.  No dramas. 

I have a horrible suspicion, the next tenants will be worse in some other way.  Noise all night?  Parking in front of the house?  Cat haters?  This is where I have to remind myself  we belong to God, God will care for us, and these experiences test me and refine my faith.  Am I going to be a hater?  Or pray for them during my God Time?  Am I going around brooding all the time, or simply handing the issue to God and saying "If it's Your will, please resolve this!"?   So, whatever happens is God's Will. 

However, cleanliness is a big issue for the owners; I don't see them there long.  I am beginning to see why Bubba's bringing me so many dead mice.  Huh.  If the owner's wife didn't hate all pets (which could move dramatically in our favor regarding the dog), I'd tell them, but I don't want to remind her I have a cat she's already threatened to kill. 

Yeah.  That's why I'm not in a hurry to get rid of them.  Pick up, get rid of the dog, happy happy.  Ha!   And I ALWAYS get what I want, don't I?  [laugh] 

We got up EARLY and went to Foodtown.  They started opening earlier, and I love it.  We get good trips, too. 

Ron is in love with the remaindered Hormel Kids Kitchen lunch buckets.  It's an 8 ounce microwavable bucket full of pasta and meat.  Ron is particularly fond of the Beans & Wieners, and the Spaghetti Rings with Hot Dogs.  They are remaindered, meaning they are selling them at rock bottom prices to get rid of them.  We're paying 50 cents each, about half off what you'd pay for the other brand canned pasta meals. 

I took 2 tote bags, large ones (11x14x18 inches).  I filled up one with Ron's pasta meals.  He is set.  If I get sick or something, he can eat for days.  Boy, was it heavy.  I didn't tell him that, it would have just made him feel guilty; it's not like it hurt me. 

I got a little bit of stuff, some ham ends (I've been in a ham mood), and some sharp cheddar cheese.  I got some Diet Dr Pepper and such.  I also bought myself some smoked almonds. 

I don't know how it happened, but our ride came before I'd bagged up the candy.  I had Bibles and scripture booklets in empty plastic bags.  I felt horrible.  The first driver (to Foodtown) didn't want any candy anyway. 

While at Foodtown, I bought a bag of "Fun Size" Snickers, a bag of "Child's Play" assorted wrapped candy - OK but not something I will buy again, and 5 Lance bars.  They have 3 kinds of nuts in them, are new, and look DELICIOUS.  Everyone was really excited to get them.  I put them in the gallon bag with the Bibles.  They looked GOOD.  I might keep doing this. 

I carry a fair amount of Lance foods in our snack machines.  The Gold n Cheese are very popular.  I am addicted to their 2.5 ounce smoked almonds.  Yum.  I ALWAYS get a bag everytime I go to Foodtown.  It's a real treat, and low carb.  Joy! 

Hey, I need to take care of myself, and I'm glad I can do it with a simple thing like a bag of almonds.  I bagged up my candy as we waited on the ride.  Ron admired the Lance nut bars.  Good thing sugar still tastes awful to him. 

We had an interesting ride to work; she was a new driver and it showed.  Hey, we got there intact. 

Work was pretty dead.  I got the wheelchair and brought it to Ron - he can't walk all the way in or out anymore.  Well, he might but it would be extremely taxing.  That's why I want a medical opinion.  Do we push him?  Take it easy?  We shall see. 

We stocked what we could and cleaned out the coffee machine!  Then I mashed up cardboard and took out all the trash, including about 20 gallon's worth of used coffee grounds.  We gave free coffee to the veterans.  I didn't feel too bad for them working today, as they got overtime. 

As you are probably aware, the Post Office employees have a bad reputation for being lazy.  Overall,  not true.  They work their butts off.  They work overtime, and work very hard. 

One reason I don't feel too "hatey" when I see the employee who ran over my husband; he is always laboring very hard over his machine, putting trays of mail onto the conveyor belt.  He is obviously earning every penny he makes. 

I won't guess percentages because I am an outsider; but it is very sad to see people in one department.  They stand around and gossip ALL DAY LONG.  We got some new people in the department; since they are temporary employees they don't get overtime today.  A lot of "Casuals" today. 

EVERY SINGLE one, standing around and gossiping all day long.  When I came in, and when I left hours later.  Still at the same task.  [sigh]  No one takes pride in a good job anymore! 

BTW, the neighbors just came home, and another woman was telling her "Your dog almost got hit by a car, she was way off over there on the busy street!"  Mom didn't seem to concerned.  [shrug]  Their problem, not mine. 

The more time I spend with dogs, the more I realize I'm a cat person.  I'm not knocking dogs.  They seem very loyal and devoted to their owners.  They are very predictable, too. 

I just prefer a cat.  Sure, it sees itself as the more intelligent animal; but he condescends to allow MY petting!   Very few people are permitted the honor.  He sleeps in MY bed, none other.  He doesn't even sleep with Ron.  He even leans up against me once I've fallen asleep.  He'll never get up in my lap, and I only call him when I have a tidbit, but I'm OK with that.  He loves to get up on the loveseat as I do my God Time.  He is very undemanding; just fill up the water and the food bowl, he uses the cat door to eliminate in the backyard. 

I will never grow a root vegetable as a result!  No, thanks! 

Getting back to work; it is hard to fire the long-term employees, but getting easier I hear.  So, if they're caught "lazy" they will be kicked out.  Everytime we have "Casual Interviews" at work we see dozens of very motivated people.  Nervous people who like to buy a snack on the way out the door!  [grin]  Yeee-haw. 

That would have been a good company name.  Yee-haw vending.  Too easy to find us if I give you our name, so I won't. 

I took Ron out to the bus stop, and he was very grateful.  Then I brought the work wheelchair back to the stockroom and locked up. 

Just a quick note, I don't know how to say this, or even if I'm JUSTIFIED.  You can judge for yourself. 

I HATE it when Ron is riding in the wheelchair, and a driver pulls up.  They get out, see Ron in the wheelchair, and start going on about "What happened!  What happened?  Why are you in the wheelchair?"  They are genuinely upset.  "This is terrible!" 

Ron is people skills; I leave it to him to reply.  "He got worse"?  True, and short.  "YOU think it sucks?  Try being his wife!"  Not kind, and very bitter.  I just give a sad little shrug as Ron tells the tale of the nerve disease.  It's just EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  [sigh]  And awkward. 

In the big photo, it's NOT important.  I'm just not sure of the etiquette of "He got worse".  Like Dad always used to say "If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all!"  Good advice, Dad. 

Ron was signing along with his music when I came out.  I found that very encouraging.  He is a pretty positive person. 

Next stop, the wholesale warehouse.  That is a lot to type, I'm calling it WW from now on. 

We went about lunchtime.  They sell lunch; and last time they had a horrendous line.  The line was short today so I got the food first (not customary).  I ate the rest of my cottage cheese and the top of a pepperoni pizza.  Tasty. 

I need more Party Mix.  I always need Party Mix.  If you want to give me a good in-person gift; Party Mix only runs about $7.   Less than a dollar a pound and the best deal I have found on desirable candy.  I looked around at various other candy items; asking God for guidance.  I have Dum-dums, and plenty.  Gum is not urgent, and cheaper at Walmart.  It's still too warm for me to feel comfortable with the chocolate, and I think it's the Lance Mixed Nuts bar... they didn't have them, or I'd have bought some. 

I plan to go to Favorite Dollar tomorrow, more on that in a bit.  They will supply the zip-top bags I need.  I ordered some more Gospels of John from the Pocket Testament League.  Plan to order some more Scripture booklets after I finish the blog. 

The only thing I got were some Detour lower sugar protein bars.  Sounds vile, but they are really really good.  As I was eating it today I considered the descriptive phrases I'd use.  Densely chewy.  Excellent texture.  Fantastic candy bar flavor.  Lower sugar and better flavor than the Atkins Low Carb bars.  Which are not very low-carb.  I ate mine around 1 PM and I'm still full.  They only ran about 75 cents a bar, too.  I can see myself eating ONE a day, if that. 

I want to put real food in my mouth most of the time.  I still need to figure out what I'll eat for dinner.  Oh, and I bought a case of Diet Dr Pepper.  I didn't want to get that at Foodtown and lug it around all day (remember I am still toting the giant tote bag full of Ron's canned pasta and several cans of Heather items).   Ron decided he wanted FOUR cases of juice boxes.  Yike.  Amazingly, they let us ride home. 

The juice boxes ("My" idea for the glory grabbers) have been tremendously popular.  Unlike the canned juices we offer for $1, for 12 ounces, these are 100% juice.  The only all juice canned item we carry are the orange juices.  We sell the 7 ounce juice boxes for 50 cents, a comfortable profit margin, and people love them.  In fact, everytime we stock the row is either empty, or nearly so.  Excellent.  We need more inventory; so I didn't complain. 

1 tote bag with canned food items.
1 small lunchbox size "insulated cold bag" for the ham and sharp cheddar cheese I bought.
1 case Diet Dr Pepper in another tote bag
4 cases juice. 
My backpack
I got it all! 

Happily, my foot cramp problem seems to have resolved.  Good. 

I think I will do pumpkin pudding for dinner tonight.  It's got eggs, and pumpkin.  Get a meat and veggie all in one. 

We came home, and found "Stupid" the dog in our backyard.  I got rid of her and locked the gate.  I don't know why the people next door even have a dog.  I think they got her as a cute little puppy for the kids.  Now she is full grown and mischievous.  They don't have any shelter, or even a blanket in the yard.  She seems to have enough food and water.  [shrug]

I'm sure she won't bark much tonight, running around all day ought to have tired her out.  We will put out the radio. 

Ron and I planned out tomorrow.  First, doc.  Then a trip to Walmart, in case Doc writes a prescription that needs filling.  After Walmart, Favorite Dollar. 

I am participating in a child's Christmas program, so I need some fun toys to fill up a shoebox.  Favorite always has a good collection of kiddie toys, cute stuffed animals and all.  I always liked a lot of cheap toys, anyway. 

I remember how much I loved my rubber food.  I must have been about 8.  It was plastic food.  I could "cook" it on a little toy stove and serve it to family, who pretended to "eat" my yummy food.  [laugh]  Good practice for the foodservice days!  I think Mom liked it a lot better than the whistles!

Anyway, I'll ask God to guide me as I look around Walmart and Favorite for amusing toys.  I might put a handful or two of candy in, too.  Saturday I drop them off.  Then we go home. 

Ron's a great sport to wait around while I shop.  He will save me lots of walking, waiting and a couple of bus rides too.  He loves me and likes to show it by doing things like this. 

And I remind him "I like taking care of you!"  I just hope we get some accurate answers tomorrow.  Can't hurt to pray about it.  If you pray, ask God for an accurate diagnosis. 

I am always BIG on that whenever Ron is ailing. 

Torbie on my feet

Two days in one, again.  I got up at 7 AM (late for me) yesterday and we went to Walmart.  I finally found a canister for the dry cat food...