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Showing posts from June, 2014

Today is done

I hate it when I can't sleep. 

I had to get up at 2 AM today, delivery day.  To their credit, all the neighbors were incredibly quiet.  I just.  Couldn't.  Sleep! 

I finally lured Torbie to bed with some treats.  She laid by my head and that knocked me out. 

I got up at 2, hit the snooze once only.  Yay.  I drank my Diet Mountain Dew and took my shower.  My hair was fine, so I didn't wash it. 

I did my God Time, all of it.  I love getting it done early. 

I ate and took my meds.  Our ride arrived. 

Why would anyone honk a horn in a quiet subdivision at 3:30 in the morning?  I was looking out for him.  I went out and asked him to please be quiet, people are sleeping.  I pointed at all the dark houses around us.  Oh, sorry. 

He made a lot of racket unfolding the ramp, then talked loudly to Ron as he loaded him, until I reminded Ron - NEIGHBORS! 

After that, the driver thought I was a bitch.  Kept telling me I "needed to relax".  He's a horrible driver!  …

Fair to partly crappy

I'm working on being a positive person; in part because Ron can run very negative.  It's the same general thing, served again and again.  I have, on occasion, just yelled at him to shut up, already. 

Shame on me, yelling at the poor blind cripple!  LOL 

I try to balance every post.  Is it accurate?  Is it wallowing?  If so, I edit.  Is it balanced?  Am I sharing the small, sweet, things like Baby Girl lying by my feet?  I don't want to be a downer while I'm sharing my life. 

Anyway, Ron was doing it again this morning.  "Ron," I told him, as calmly as possible "How would you react if I were saying all this to you?  Giving you all this negative energy?"

He did stop. 

See, I've learned something.  An average person can only take a small amount of negative energy.  When they ask how I'm doing, they want to hear the highlights. 

So, at church, I said "We had a horrible problem with three broken vending machines, but our awesome repairm…

"I have to sell this"

I slept pretty well last night and woke up exhausted. 

Ron and I had to go to the warehouse and purchase supplies.  At one point he made a comment because I was a little mentally foggy.  As I shopped, I figured out what had upset me about it and how I would approach it. 

When I did, I told him: "Ron, remember a couple months ago when you felt like my symptoms were not doing very well?  You asked me to see if I could increase my doses?"  He agreed. 

"Remember when I told you I would have to make sacrifices for that, and I'd get 'dumber'?  I already feel bad about that.  When you make comments I just find it hurtful.  You don't get it both ways - you get symptom control, but only if I'm foggier." 

Ron agreed and apologized. 

For whatever reason, he seems to take my illness as an attack on him - when I'm sick, God is attacking him in particular, and both of us in gneral.  Huh?  I'm just repeating. 

Anyway, moving on.  I got some of th…

Drama free life

I forgot to mention a couple other highlights of the day. 

First, I woke up with a migraine, in the middle of the night.  I took some Excedrin and managed to get back to sleep. 

However, when I woke up the headache was definitely present.  A hot shower didn't help, so I took some more Excedrin (about 7 hours after the first dose). 

The headache didn't leave until around 3 PM. 

Secondly, we have some interesting people at work.  One's always demanding we sell unsellable products.  If I'm dumb enough to stock them, he doesn't want them anymore. 

I had a lot more to say but I realized it could be read. 

I aim for a drama free life.  :) 






Gift from God

"Your vending machine is broken"
I know. 
"Hey, your vending machine is broken!"
Yes, I know. 
"You need to fix your machine, it's tipping over." 
Yes, I know.  The guy is 5 minutes away! 

It was an exhausting day. 

It started out well.  We had a later pickup so I slept in until 7.  We went to the warehouse, where I got my snacks. 

Then we arrived at work, and I found snack 2, my baby, tipping over due to a missing leg.  Snack machines sit on 4 legs, mine had one completely out of the socket and laying on the floor (thank God it was still there).  I stuck it in my pocket, thanking God my repairman was coming at 2 (we arrived around 1). 

Then I had over a dozen people tell me the machine was broken, it was a safety issue, I had to fix it.  I kept telling them I had a guy coming at 2.  They finally went away. 

I had mixed emotions seeing an ice machine slotted in next to our bottled vendor, which had been moved - a violation of our contract be…

Video blog

No energy so I did a video blog. 

I can't stop looking out the window.

There's something in my yard. 

Ron, as I mentioned, had a bad night.  I didn't receive any drama - I just ignored him and went to bed.  He made noise for about an hour and a half but that was it. 

This morning, I didn't do the shrieky thing - I just said, you need to figure out what you did wrong, so you don't repeat it.  I mentioned the vodka seemed awfully accessible, maybe he could put it in the tool cabinet (you have to bend over and reach).  He was amenable.  I plugged in his cell phone, which I found on the floor. 

Basically, I acted as Jesus would, and not hateful.  I think I did good. 

I was a little alarmed when I looked outside for the cats.  Last night, the yard gang found some fake pink crocs in the yard.  They placed them on some cinderblocks I had set up as a watch post for the cats.  Cats like to get up on high things and survey their domain. 

"It's an outside kitty condo" I told Ron. 

Baby Girl loves those blocks.  I took the shoes of…

No cost

My aunt is the family "fixer"/social worker.  She's the first number you call when the house burns down or you need a place to spend the night.  One guest stayed for a year. 

I made a rather frantic phone call as she lunched with a friend "We hired these guys to take away the clippings in the street, but now they're in the backyard mowing... I hear a chainsaw!   They keep dragging trash out and throwing it in the truck!  I didn't ask for this!  How can I pay for it?"

She gave me a little counsel and hung up. 

My backyard was pretty awful.  They worked for an hour, and then rang the doorbell. 

I couldn't talk to Ron, he was, ah - unavailable.  I scrounged up everything in my wallet and awaited the knock on the door. 

I knew we had, ah, a language barrier.  I just hoped I could afford the cleanup, whatever it cost. 

The man knocked on the door and took me on a tour of the yard.  It had been transformed from an overgrown nightmare (particularly my…

Give me a ghetto

I'm pretty exhausted. 

Monday we got up very early, went to work.  We had planned to do all stocking possible, then go to the warehouse. 

The other vendor just sits in his stockroom, twice a week, for a couple hours each time.  Ron and I have had a policy where I use Ron as my escort.  The man behaves when Ron's around because he knows he can't blame me if I have a witness - when he's the one who verbally abused (on one case, physically shoved me against a wall) me.  Ron will not tolerate that behavior, either. 

The other vendor seemed pretty placid, so I foolishly thought I could go in our shared stockroom alone.  He immediately started yelling and trying to pick fights, so I left.  After that, I had Ron with me every time and he acted like a sweet little lamb. 

I get it - it's not fun to work with mentally unstable people, myself included, but the guy can be outright scary.  I may say oddball things, get a little hyper now and then, or walk around depressed, …

Video

Pretty exhausted, I'll do a big post tomorrow. 

I do have a video of Ron coming up the driveway.  One day I was unloading groceries and the driver left Ron at the base of the driveway.  I had planned to push/roll him up to the door. 

However, when I turned around he had done this and gotten himself to the door. 

Impressive.  I love his spirit. 

Bible Handouts in the ghetto

Ron was up all night with horrific neuropathy. 

I didn't think he'd want to go, but he did. 

It was great. 

I have a huge desire to compare the two churches, but I won't.  They're both good churches with good people. 

That said, one is in the Metrolift service area.  Ron had talked to one guy from the church on Friday night.  Today the man walked right up to Ron, grabbed his hand, and called him by name.  Ron loved it. 

Everyone was very friendly and accepting.  A mixed-race blind man in a wheelchair might not be welcome at some churches, but they were great.  They get an A plus.  Ron brought a small photo book - he likes to show it to new people so they can get a better understanding.  They all looked at it, exclaiming over the photos. 

We got there early, so we had some time to "visit".  No one ran screaming when they heard about Bible Handouts in the ghetto. 

I liked the layout of the "meet and greet" area - it was expansive and very welco…

Gangster's Paradise

I realized something important: God's called me to hand out Bibles in Gangster's Paradise.  He uses me all kinds of ways - today I gave a Prison Bible to a lady who's visiting a loved one in jail.  I hand them out to drivers, to salesmen, but primarily to people in areas that make people pale. 

God's chosen to have me live in a nice middle class neighborhood.  The average Houston home is about 300K.  The average home in my neighborhood is 90K.  My home is valued around 50K.  Yes, we have a mortgage!   So, while I feel safe, and it's quiet, my home is about 15% the average home value.  It's simple, modest, and mine.  Thank you God. 

I got up, shower, God Time.  Found out the Bibles did arrive in South Dakota and are on their way to disaster relief. Good. 

I loved seeing the photos of Frosty and Bubba up during my God Time and computer time.  I love my boys, and I miss them.  I don't know how they'll look in Heaven - will they be balls of light?  Or lo…

I'm OK with that

"Your new wheelchair will fit in the bathroom" I told Ron "If you take the spring off the back of the door.  You'll get another two inches." 

"I don't want to get the wheelchair in the bathroom.  I want to get better." 

"I want that too, but even when you get better (I was careful not to say "if"), you tend to have periodic setbacks.  You may need to fit the wheelchair in the bathroom." 

It's interesting.  I am normally very upbeat.  However, when it comes to Ron's mobility I am a pessimist.  I don't tell him that, of course (see above). 

I had read a lot about Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) after his accident.  I read a lot about hemmorhagic strokes (he had one affecting his right side).  I talked to my aunt; her husband had suffered a nasty stroke about 9 years prior to Ron's accident. 

Everything I learned pointed to one thing: I'd see a lot of improvement up to 6 months.  Whatever progress Ron had mad…

God helps those who help themselves

I'm pretty excited to try the "other" church in our area. 

Houston is huge, population 4 million, about 1.4 million households.  It's also home to 4 Calvary Chapels.  Three are out of the Metrolift service area, which necessitates someone picking us up at the edge and taking us a couple miles to church.

As I mentioned, our primary ride bought a vehicle that "won't work" anymore.  I'll take that at face value. 

"You'll have to find another ride."  He practically lives at church, but I'll have to do it.  OK.  Taking that at face value, I posted on Facebook.  I know for a fact I have at least 5 people from the church. 

I posted this:
Ron and I need a ride from the Starbucks at (location), to the church, on Sundays at 10:30. Ron is in a wheelchair but I fold it and put it away. He can get into pretty much anything but a big rig. A ride to church, on paratransit, is currently about 5 hours round trip. Thanks.

Crickets. 

They…

Not so paranoid after all

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I need to look something up.

Well, I don't think I have paranoid personality disorder.  But I do get a little squinty sometimes. 

Our ride to church bought a new vehicle - "One that won't fit Ron's wheelchair.  As long as he's using it, you need to find another ride." 

I just find the whole thing depressing. 

I got a little twitchy over the "as long as he's using it".   I'm not finishing that thought. 

Ron is, in my book, a real man.  He is in tremendous pain everytime he uses the bathroom because he has to hobble, hunched over, holding onto the counter.  The current wheelchair does not fit through the door.  Getting up is extraordinarily painful for Ron. 

So much so, he urinates into a big bottle with a screw-on cap.  When he *has* to make a trip, he takes it along, empties it, and washes it out.  [Ron gave me permission to share] 

The current bottle's a 2 quart cranberry, leftover from my bladder infection.  It's far better …

"Do you want the truth?"

I'm at the high end of my doses.  Boy am I feeling it. 

Still depressed but it's more managable.  I got up early, did my God Time, ate breakfast, got online and checked my tracking number, which they said didn't exist. 

The box is going to do God's work.  I'm certain He will get it there. 

I checked again, and got this: "Your item was processed through and left our NORTH HOUSTON, TX 77315 facility on June 18, 2014 at 11:31 pm. The item is currently in transit to the destination. Information, if available, is updated periodically throughout the day. Please check again later." 

Uh, yeah, I knew it had to go through our facility.  But thanks.  I did sign up for text updates which ought to be interesting. 

We had a trip planned to the wholesaler.  These guys are so big you have to apply to become a customer.  No public allowed.  The last time we went Metrolift left us there over an hour and a half.  People kept asking if we were OK.  It was embarrassing,…

Short Bus

"Heather says, bring a rubber" Ron told the repairman. 

"The rubber's wearing out on the mechanical hand, in our bottled vendor." 

I had a pretty good morning, considering.  I got up early, shower, God Time, breakfast (leftover stuffed cheesy bread, which worked great). 

Our first ride, to the warehouse, was good, but she was pretty slow.  She needs to pick up the pace or she won't be there long. 

We didn't need much, at the warehouse.  We got some Monster drinks (one of our most frequent requests), and 2 cases of canned soda. 

We got to work and stocked it.  Ron caused a jam with resulted in a lot of drama.  [gibbering noises]  He had to unload it and stick his hand in the machine, extracting the can somehow. 

I was busy fixing a very naughty bottled vendor (which, as I said, needs a new rubber) and trying to stock snacks.  I got about 75% accomplished. 

Ron and I, at the end of it, agreed we need to plan more time at work. 

We had one of my fa…

Wheelchair Handout

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Ron stuck in the wheelchair. 2 crates of Bibles. I was a little leery.

However, I donned my getup (loud orange t-shirt, safety orange vest, and safety orange boonie hat). "I look like I escaped from a safety products catalog" I told Ron, wryly.

Ron wore a safety orange boonie hat.

He held the lighter crate (about half full). We had the driver drop us off very close to the corner, and I set the crates on the ground next to Ron.

I parked him there, in the ghetto, and ran across to the median with the first crate. I came back and got Ron. We were a little worried about me bumping the wheelchair up on the curb, but it was easy. Ron asked me what else we had to do, and I said we were done. He was happy to hear that.

I had a couple dozen whole Bibles (shrink wrapped gift ones, at that! ), and several dozen New Testaments. I had a total of two Spanish Bibles.

Once I got set up, my first guy rolls down his window (that's the nice thing about working the ghetto, eve…

"The Great Evangelist"

Someone once called me that, sarcastically, while in the process of judging me. 

I don't even need to defend myself.  I have always said: anything good you see in me is God.  Anything that isn't is me. 

If you "see" a Bible Handout, God gets the credit.  He's the one who put the idea in my head.  It was very loud. 

I just went. 

Last night I got the itch to do another Bible Handout.  Ron was surprisingly agreeable.  Normally, he gives a vehement refusal.  "If God wants it done" he'll rail "He can do it Himself." 

I often end up on the bus with a handcart.  That sucks.

The Bibles weigh probably 50 pounds minimum.  The bus stop is half a mile away.  I have to get it up and down off the bus. 

Last night, though, Ron just asked when I'd like to go, and didn't even quibble about the duration.  Wow.  God working in him.   Awesome. 

I did up about 100 Bibles, a couple handfuls of kiddie Scripture booklets, and 10 or so Gospel Rap …

Tasks

You might think, and rightly so, it would completely suck to get up at 2 AM, after a poor sleep, and go to work at 4. 

Most times, you'd be right - but when I'm this depressed I do better with tasks. 

Ron has been pretty awesome, as I tell him everyday "Still horribly depressed".  I don't think he's taking things as personally, either. 

So, we got up and took some merchandise to work.  I stocked, waiting on our deliveries, which both came at the same time.  Sandwich guy got a drink, and Dr Pepper guy got a meal (sandwich, chips, drink) because he helped me unload the pallet (I had my back brace). 

Ron and I made up a new word (we do on occasion) "Snocking" - for stocking snacks.  I did that.  I did food.  I cleaned the microwaves.  I organized our corner of the stockroom.  I talked to the other vendor, who told me her area won't open for another month.  She is not very happy about that. 

"They" had our area done a month before sch…

Our purpose

Still horribly depressed. 

I got up, did my God Time, took a shower, and went to the warehouse with Ron.  It wasn't too bad. 

On the way back, one of our drivers (who's been with the company for decades) said the other clients comment how much they love to ride with us, we're "fun", etc.  That's nice to know. 

"I don't see many couples" he told me "Who still love each other."  That's very sad. 

God has me here for that?  It's that important?  [sigh]  I don't know.  I'm not telling God what to do, either. 

I don't know.  Like I tell Ron, if we knew "our purpose" - every detail, "We'd screw it up." 

I did get my snack machine inventory.  I'm happy about that. 

The neighbors were loading up as we arrived.  I probably should have greeted them, but I just unloaded and focused on Ron. 

I guess I worry if I get too friendly, the crazy will slip out and they'll flee.  They are pretty …

Showing my belly

Ron and I have had a little conflict.  He thinks I've been "mean". 

"If you think it's bad out there." I told him "You should see it inside my head. "  Depression.  Oh, it's been HORRID. 

One of the worst, I believe, I've had in a long time. 

I've been listening to this again and again.  I plan to buy it tonight.  God knows I owe them. 



I don't know why it helps - but it does. 

Maybe watching the poor little critters get beat up... kind of how I feel right now. 

Anyway, yesterday sucked pretty awful.  When I got home from Walmart I took a nap, and then did a henna.  I added some brown henna, which did help tone down the lurid-orange-at-my-part issue. 

I applied a facial scrub about half an hour before I planned to rinse the henna.  A JW showed up right as I was climbing into the shower, ringing the doorbell like a bill collector at 8 PM.  I would have been so pissed if I had an early morning pickup. 

As it is, I opened the …

Hair musings

People love my hair long.  I get loads of compliments. 

I find it's easier to care for long hair, than short, when depressed.  Short hair, I have to wash every day and trim every month. 

Long hair, I can go every other day (especially in the winter), and I don't need to trim it at all.  I buy a package of elastics every year or so (the coated ones).  When an elastic is overly stretched or showing the "rubber", I throw it out.  Easy. 

So, I'm keeping it long.  I don't love it so much in the summer, but if I remember (not often), I can clip it up on the back of my head, a popular hairstyle for long-haired women in Houston. 

I can play with it when I'm manic, or leave it simple when depressed. 

Let's go to color: nice burgundy with orange roots.  Inevitable when using henna on grey hair, which apparently means the roots at my part are a whole lot of gray. 

However, when the roots grow out it's depressing: burgundy hair fading to orange, with gr…

I screwed up

Last night found me gulping dinner, doing my God Time, and going to bed the minute I got home. 

I just couldn't face getting online. 

We took our sodas to work and stocked.  I stocked snacks.  I helped Ron.  I took out the (trash) cardboard.  Ran my ass off, running around. 

Finally time to go home... but NOT! 

The maintenence guys finally showed up with a cartload of supplies, headed for the coffee machine.  Clearly, we can't leave now. 

So, we had to cancel our pickup.  But the pickup came anyway and then it appears Metrolift deleted our location because they kept calling and asking us to give the address, and describe it physically.  "I'm blind.  I don't know what it looks like!" 

The guys were having trouble.  I asked Ron to call the repairman. "He can't come out".  Call!  He did. 

Guess who could come out in 10 minutes? 

"He likes us." I told Ron. 

When the maintenence guys showed, I greeted them as rescuing heroes.  Yes,…

The curse of love

Ron had a horrible night - terrible neuropathy kept him up for hours.  He tried to be quiet but I knew he was in a lot of pain. 

I hope you never have to experience watching your soulmate in a lot of physical pain.  Chronic, unending, difficulties.  Strugging to get into the wheelchair, from the wheelchair to the bathroom.   So, so, happy because I got the old microwave and put it within arms' reach on the countertop - putting the roll of papertowels on top.  He almost cried when he saw them.  "Oh, this will make things so easy." 

I recently figured out how to make my music files - select my music files, as ringtones, for my phone.  I chose "Alive" for Ron. 



But it's sad.  I hurt when he hurts - that's the curse of love.  I remember thinking, after the accident, watching Ron in the hospital bed - my whole life and every emotion enslaved to his progress - I remember thinking:  "I wish I didn't love him.  If I didn't love him I could just …