Sunday, December 10, 2017

I can't fix what's wrong with him.

I slept OK, once I got to sleep, and woke up right about the time of my alarm clock.  It hadn't been set properly, apparently. 

I got up, did most of my God Time, took my shower (not in that order), etc.  I got some candy and put it in the tote bag.  I turned on Ron's Christmas lights. 

Ron woke up.  He was very depressed and not a little angry he was still alive.  He was incredibly negative and toxic to me and all the drivers.  The drivers thought it was "funny" and laughed at him.  I knew better. 

When I finally get him to the doctor, I am going to mention the depression, the anger, and the drinking.  We went to Walmart. 

He was very bitter about going, and, after we got there, cancelled "my" trip to Sam's Club to get more candy to resupply.  I have been doing up bags of candy.  Each bag of candy has a Scripture Booklet, a full sized Snickers bar, a couple of pieces of gum (individually wrapped chewing gum), taffy, Now and Later, a handful of assorted mini candy bars, and some tootsie rolls.  Everyone loves them and they have been moving quickly.  I am doing at least 50 a week; I have half a case.  I have a problem. 

I asked Ron if I could buy a case from the business and he said no, I won't need it.  Very frustrating.  And the individual snickers bars are too expensive at the checkout. 

So I bought more gum and taffy, more bags (I go through a lot of bags), etc.  I bought some vitamins for a sick friend.  I got labels for work, and for Christmas presents.  I got a gift bag for my aunt.  I put half her present in it when I got home. 

I got everything I needed, and some stuff I had been forgetting every time, like the labels.  I had enough time, finally, to do my shopping. 

Ron was so incredibly bitter and angry at life, I didn't even call him except to ask him 2 questions.  According to him, I bought paper towels we don't need, all because I didn't want to call him.  Ron didn't say the latter. 

I felt sorry for anyone up front with him. 

I bought him a Santa hat; when he was in a better mood he has asked for one, more than once.  So I figured I would give it to him when he is in a better mood. 

We came home, we had a good ride with a nice driver who enjoyed her candy.  I stowed everything on the van and then carried it to the house, myself.  Her job, I told her, was driving. 

We got in the house and Ron went immediately for the vodka bottle.  "I'll try not to have a blackout" he told me.  Oh, great.  I had eaten at Walmart, so I took my pills quickly and then laid down for a nap. 

My pills, if I lie down, will knock me out.  Not a great technique for coping but hopefully his rage and frustration would be spent quietly, while I was asleep. 

I couldn't come up with a nice way to say "I don't want to talk to you when you're like this".  I get it, he's depressed.  He is very crippled and it is hard for him.  I won't reveal things said in therapy, but when we went for marriage counseling in 2006 the therapist said Ron had some childhood issues he had to work through, too. 

So, Ron has a lot of issues.  I think he needs medication and therapy.  I can't fix what is wrong with him, only God, and professionals, can. 

So, I hid in sleep.  I slept pretty well and woke up a couple hours later.  By then, Ron was asleep.  He had told me our pickup time for tomorrow so I could be ready on time. 

Ron can't harass me for doing my God Time, if he's asleep, so I get up 2 hours early, take my shower, and then do my God Time before he wakes up.  On an ideal day it happens this way.  My days aren't always ideal but I do try. 

I think God appreciates the effort.  I actually got the idea from my stepmother.  She used to get up at 5 AM, which I thought was so early, to do her time with God.  I don't know what she did exactly, that was her business, but I remembered the idea. 

Now I get up at 4 AM most work days to do my routine.  She used to call me "Earlybird" because I always got up so early.  Now I'm back to it. 

I keep thinking about my pickles.  I bought some, today.  I'm going to go devour some. 

Have a good one. 

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Poor Heather

Yesterday I got up at 2:30 AM.  I checked my phone to see about the weather.  I had heard some blathering from Houston Facebook Friends (not a group, just friends who happen to live in my town) about snow.  OK, I thought, no snow of course but it might be cold.

I tend to run warm these days, I don't know if it's hormones, being fatter, or medication, but I hardly need a coat these days.  Weather said it was 34 and snowing.

Yeah, right.  I looked outside.  Well, I'll be, it's snowing.

I took my shower, got dressed, I just went with the hoodie over a t-shirt and I was fine for my purposes.  I got Ron up and got ready for work.

Our ride came on time, always nice, and I got the front seat.  The good seat.  I don't generally mind sitting in the backseat, but the seatbelt in the back cuts into my neck.  It's very unpleasant and can't be adjusted.  So, I prefer the front.  Ron doesn't mind and likes to ride behind me, in the rear passenger seat.

We went to work, stocked, got our delivery.  I took a photo of the snow, not a very good one, but you get the idea: snow.  Not a big deal for most of the nation, or the world for that matter, but a pretty big deal in Houston.  We hadn't had snow since 2009.  I remember it because Ron had a blackout and was too drunk to go to work.

I had to call a cab and get to work on my own.  I had to get the delivery and do all the stocking by myself, then I got a ride from the other vendor's wife to go to the mall, so I had an easier time getting home on the bus.  It started snowing somewhere in there and we got a couple of inches.  Ron called me and couldn't believe he had lost a whole day, but he had.  He was "sorry" of course but it didn't help.

So, yeah, I remember.  I remember the snow hitting me as I waited on the bus.  Being angry at Ron and scared about the future.

Poor Heather.  If I had only known!

Anyway, we finished work and came home.  I took a nap.  We did some accounting.  We ate dinner and I took my pills, then I went to bed early.  I had a nasty headache.

I woke up and I still had it.  I took some Excedrin.  I got ready for work.  We went to the warehouse and got supplies.  I stayed just within budget.  They had the "good" candy, a 36 count variety pack for $20.  It's a really good deal, and throw one of those at a snack machine and you are done with the candy.  I bought 4.  And still stayed within budget.

Jack came and he got the truck loaded.  He does 90% of the loading and unloading, one reason I enjoy working with him.  I got the carts into the building.

My headache came back.  I took some aspirin, which really didn't work.  I was still able to work and help Ron.

I have been wanting to have a picture taken of me at work.  I finally recruited someone to help.  She was very nice about it.  So, there I am.  Not the most flattering but a "real" photo.

I remember a friend was thinking about a mail order bride, and he got frustrated because she kept sending him glamour shots.  He wanted candid photos of her in everyday life, but she wouldn't send them.

We came home.  I took a nap, hoping I could finally slay the headache.  No luck.  I got up with it just as bad as when I laid down.  I took some more Excedrin (good luck sleeping tonight).  We went to Denny's for dinner.

We had a pretty cheap meal.  Ron had some chicken soup and I had pancakes, nothing else.  Well, diet soda.

The pancakes did the trick on the headache.  I also took my medication.

Now Ron wants me to do more accounting stuff so I have to go.  More later.

[#6 is having a party tonight]

Edit: finished filing the monthly report.  Glad that's all done before the deadline, and we even did the online payment, too. 

#6 is having a party, the kids are outside and it sounds like they're trying to kill each other.  I'll be glad when they're done.  It's going to be pretty cold tonight, in the 30's, and your average kid in Houston doesn't have a real winter coat or any kind of winter clothes aside from maybe a hoodie.  The average kid visiting #6, and the #6 kids, don't have anything aside from a windbreaker. 

Soooo, hopefully they will get cold and go home soon.  I don't hate kids, but there's a time and a place to have a birthday party.  Late at night on a weekend is not that time. 

When I was a kid, we had mid afternoon birthday parties.  Say 1-3, or 3-5.  We would go, make noise, run around, and play.  It was daytime.  No one wanted to go to bed early because they got up at 4 AM.  We didn't keep people up or disturb them because they were already awake.  Late night birthday parties for children are just disruptive, and, I've been told, are generally an excuse for that culture to have an adult drinking party concurrent with the children's birthday party. 

Now, if I worked "normal" 8-5, Monday-Friday schedule, I probably wouldn't care as much.  But I have to get up at 4 AM on Saturdays to get my inventory.  #6 has a small business and often works on Saturdays, so I know he understands, but he doesn't get it.  I'm tired.  I want to go to bed.  And I can't because you want to get drunk and party. 

At least Ron is usually quiet when he drinks.  Now, when we leave in the morning, we walk down a metal wheelchair ramp.  Well, I walk, I push Ron in the wheelchair.  We open the garage door, which is automatic.  We close the door.  We go outside.  Sometimes Ron talks to me. 

All this happens at 5-6 in the morning.  Sometimes 4 AM, or even earlier.  Sometimes I "let" Ron make noise just because I'm trying to make a point: we get up early.  We try to be quiet and not disturb them.  They do not return the favor. 

But, I hear horror stories of people trying to poison pets, frequent calls to the police, siccing the homeowner's association on each other, coming on each other's property, stuff like that.  Barking dogs - 20 dogs.  20 cats, for that matter. 

So I am grateful that they are mostly quiet.  However, when they party they make so much noise, it is impossible to think.  Anywhere in the house is loud.  My headache came back. 

And the timing's all wrong.  Why can't they do this crap during the day like normal people? 

One time they actually had a party during the day and I thought the pod people had gotten them. 

Work photos

Some work photos. 

Thursday, December 7, 2017

"You really don't want her off her pills"

Yesterday went better than I expected.  Ron got up, got ready, I took my shower.  It was cold (40's) and raining with a wind.  Not very pleasant. 

But if the weather were perfect, everyone would want to live here. 

We got to work and started stocking.  People are trusting the soda machine that was "down", again.  Happily it wasn't taking their money, just refusing to take it.  You wouldn't think that would be a big problem in vending, having a machine refuse money, but it can be. .

They bought all the RC and the Mountain Dew.  We only stock those in that machine.  One day I might give you a list of everything we sell, or at least the top sellers, if you're interested.  Let me know.  I don't want to bore anyone. 

Ron did his thing, I did mine.  It didn't take too long before the repairman called.  He was here.  I got him and he changed out the lock in about 10 seconds.  He has a lot of practice!  I just couldn't get the damned thing to go to save my life.  If you had held a gun to my head I wouldn't have done any better.  I can always blame it on my medication.  It can make my hands "dumb". 

He went off to help the other vendor, after we paid him.  I'm glad he could combine the trips.  Maybe he called them and said "I'm here for Ron and Heather, do you need anything fixed?"  Smart. .

I'm sure he made a lot more "offa" them than he did from us. 

Ron didn't have enough time to finish canned sodas, and bottled sodas.  I factored in his bad back and decided to do bottled soda for him.  I got the cart and the drinks, 3 cases, and stocked them.  I also fronted the machine so every row looked full.  It was a good looking machine when I finished.  All done. 

I told Ron, who was delighted, and he finished canned sodas.  Then we put the carts away after we did our inventory for Dr Pepper. 

You can't buy soda if you don't know what you have.  Can't order it, rather.  So I read it all off on Ron's recorder.  He figured out how much we needed and called it in after we got home.  Then we get up at 2-3 AM on Friday to get it. 

We left, and our ride pulled up pretty much the minute we got there.  Good, it was pretty miserable out there.  We had a good ride home. 

I took a nap.  I needed it.  I think Ron had some more vodka.  He is saying he wants to get medication for his back/neuropathy instead of drinking.  I tell him that's a very good idea, but many of them will severely interact with alcohol.  He swears he won't drink if he has an oral medication. 

And I worry about narcotics addition. 

No one gives a crap how much lithium I'm getting, as long as I take it.  They will fill a prescription "early" any day of the week if I go in asking for it, because I'd be awful off it.  And it's not addictive and pretty damned safe to boot.   It's basically unregulated as long as I get my blood test every year. 

Not so with narcotics.  I told him this.  He said he doesn't want a narcotic.  We will see. 

When we go to the doctor I will mention he has a drinking problem, with blackouts on a regular basis.   He need to know that. 

So, I took my nap.  I woke up and did my God Time.  Ron woke up.  He had made a trip to get dinner so I took it (would have been penalized by paratransit if we hadn't).  We had a pretty good meal. 

They left us there pretty long.  I did find it funny when we got dropped off, there was another driver there, she was smoking and texting at the same time, standing right next to her vehicle.  Both are extremely forbidden when clients are present.  I thought about taking a photo just to show the other driver, but I didn't want to get her in trouble. 

We went home. 

I saw something odd on the porch.  I checked it out.  It was what looked like an exploded box of Scripture booklets.  They apparently didn't process very well at the processing center.  Funny to think they could have just brought them to me at work.  Anyway, the booklets left (most of them) look OK so I'm not worried.  And if any got lost maybe the right person will pick them up and get saved. 

I was still pretty tired; sleep deprivation has a cumulative effect on me.  I went to bed early.  I slept pretty good, but woke up in the early morning.  Have you ever had that experience where you wake up really early on your day off, and can choose to go back to sleep?  I did. 

I had a dream where I went to a movie, and when I came out everyone was yelling at me for abandoning Ron in the hospital.  I was yelling at a nurse about how I am "this close" to caregiver burnout.  Then I woke up. 

Not a very nice dream to have.  I think, next time I wake up early, I'll just get up. 

Now, let me tell you about my Walmart pharmacy drama.  Days ago, I asked them to put in for a refill on my 4 prescriptions.  They said OK, they would contact the doctor and ask. 

I was out of refills, so I expected it might take a little longer.  I had no idea. 

A few days ago they called and told me my Haldol was in.  It's the only $10 prescription.  That also let me know doc put in for 3 month refills. 

I waited another couple of days.  No more phone calls. Yesterday Ron called and asked about the rest of my prescriptions.  They wanted to talk to me.  I took the phone. 

They said they would "put them in", could do 2 of them, but they would have to send out the last, which would come in after 1 today.  Why didn't they put them in the day they got them? 

Like Ron said, "You really don't want her off her pills".  They aren't stupid, they know what these meds are used for.  They probably know more about my condition than I do. 

Stupid.  Screw around with someone's Retin-A, or sleeping pills.  But don't jerk a psychiatric patient around.  That's really stupid.  It is really hard to attain anything close to functional, especially with my issues. 

The last thing I need is inconsistency with my medication. 

I can't fix what's wrong with him.

I slept OK, once I got to sleep, and woke up right about the time of my alarm clock.  It hadn't been set properly, apparently.  I got ...