Monday, June 26, 2017

"The perfect combination"

I didn't sleep well last night.  The Claratin was alive and well in my system.  It will probably come as no surprise to you that I would take a "cocktail" to stay awake those days when Ron was in ICU.  The medical peeps kept talking about pulling the plug and I didn't want that.  So I stayed there, and stayed awake, as much and as long as possible. 

I found the perfect combination (I'm so lucky I didn't kill myself).  I would take two diet pills with epehedra, which is now banned.  It was legal back then.  Then I would take a Sudafed.  The old style ones kept me awake (like the Claratin does now).  I would wash it all down with a full-sugar Mountain Dew soda and some candy.  It kept me awake for about 36 hours at a shot. 

I was so stupid!  The things we do for love. 

Anyway, the revved feeling I had last night reminded me of my old "perfect combination" days.  I finally fell asleep.  Torbie joined me, we had a good thing going.  And then some idiot started firing off artillery shell fireworks.  An artillery shell is basically a big round ball of explosive (yes, in my manic days I actually set these things on fire and ran like hell).  The explosive has a fuse coming out of it.  It looks like a cannon ball.  They sell it to you with a cardboard tube.  You light it and drop it in the cube, it explodes and goes up into the air, then makes a small "firework" bang with pretty colors.  They are pretty, and fun, but they are very loud, especially on the night of June 25.  I'm not exactly expecting that kind of ruckus over a week before the 4th of July.  They are also very expensive, especially when you consider you can buy a string of firecrackers, buy-one-get-one-free for $1.  It woke me up but good and scared the crap out of poor Torbie.   She ran and hid.  She even hid during my nap today.  We live out in the county and people are allowed to do this. 

I can see why my dog-loving Facebook friends get so angry about fireworks during holidays.  I don't set off any fireworks myself, these days.  Years ago I realized they were freaking out poor Bubba and I didn't want that.  So, I don't. 

It had nothing to do with the fact (if you are a former member of LCF you may recall this) that Ron always seemed to set his hair on fire.  He would hold the firecracker fuse next to his head, but he has frizzy hair.  He would just as often light his hair, as the fuse.  Then he would have to put the fire out, drop the lighter and firecrackers, etc.  He wasn't drinking like he is now. 

At the time, I thought it was funny, and figured if Ron is man enough to pay the mortgage he is man enough to light his own fireworks, if that's what he wants.  Others didn't agree and actually threatened to report me to adult protective services.  It got crazy.  Most people felt I was abusive. 

I wonder what they would say about my life now. 

That's one thing that bothers me, when I talk about Ron's drinking people always assume I am helping him get the alcohol.  I don't.  He calls the liquor store and has them put it on hold.  Then he calls Chuck to go pick it up for him, and bring it to the house.  Chuck brings it into the garage.  Ron pays him.  Chuck leaves.  When Ron wants vodka, he goes in the garage and gets it.  I have NOTHING to do with it. 

All I will do is sit nearby, sometimes, and make sure the cats don't get out.  That's it, and that's serving my interests, not his. 

So, I slept badly and got up at 5 AM.  I took my shower, so glad I had already shaved my legs.  I got dressed, made sure Ron looked OK, and ate my protein bar.  I washed it down with a diet Mountain Dew (my new "perfect combination" = Diet Mountain Dew and Wellbutrin).  Off to work, it was a nice driver. 

Lately, everyone's been asking why Ron is back in the wheelchair.  He is in the wheelchair, and out of it.  It took me a while to accept that.  Right now he is "in" the chair.  I hope he does recover to the point of not needing any assistive devices, but I will take care of him while he does. 

We got into work.  The door on Snack #1 is broken, I could barely get it closed on Saturday.  It sticks about halfway closed, and I prayed, then gave it a mighty shove, and got it done.  It's a good thing, our ride was already outside waiting for us. 

We didn't touch the machine, it has enough inventory to look OK for a while, I just stocked it on Saturday.  Instead, I focused on the other machines, stuffing them with good things. 

I got the sandwich delivery, he is calling my phone now instead of Ron's (I had him do that, last week, when Ron was "sick").  My phone got a text from the cell phone provider saying they got my money.  Good.  They are a good company but I have had problems with billing. 

Ron called our repairman, who could not come today.  [bad word]  I caught Ron with his key in hand, rolling up on Snack #1.  I started yelling "No, no no!".  A postal worker was walking by and thought I was talking to him.  I reminded Ron we are not opening the machine.  He wanted to get quarters out for the bill changer.  He decided to get quarters out of the change buckets and sort them for quarters, then put those quarters in the coin sorter.  I got the nickels and used that to help fill the change bank in #1, I put in 20 nickels and "bought" an empty $1 coil.  Unlike my "smart vend" vending machines, #1 will vend whatever you tell it to. 

That done, we were finished.  I helped Ron do his bottled and canned soda.  We needed 5 cases just of bottled drinks. 

We went out and came home.  I took a nap, Torbie was too scared to sleep with me so she hid in my closet.  I talked to her and she moved around some, on top of the dresser (I took the doors off the closet, put my dresser in there, and hung my shirts on the rod above the dresser).  She did come out after I got up and slept by my foot for a while, while I was on the computer. 

I tinkered with the blog until I was somewhat happy (sorry about all those annoying labels, but at least I got my slideshow and the old pageview back). 

Now I'm going to do my God Time.  I was going to be lazy but I read something about witches doing "binding rituals" on the president.  Regardless of what you think politically, or spiritually, that is spiritual warfare.  I would be a pretty lousy soldier if I didn't pray for all involved. 

Tomorrow should be pretty quiet, we are just going to Walmart.  Hopefully I will sleep better tonight. 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Lazy Sunday

Today was pretty quiet. 

I slept in until 8:30.  I woke up at 7:30 but spent and hour in bed lounging with Biscuit and Torbie.  They are pretty special cats. 

Then I got up and fed them.  I took a shower, did my God Time, etc.  Ron got drunk and kept interrupting me during my God Time, but I got it done. 

He has been very affectionate today.  We'll see how things go tomorrow. 

I ate a can of spaghettios, the Walmart brand is pretty good.  It doesn't come in a runny sauce.  I took a nap for a couple of hours. 

I really need to strip my sheets, they are coming off the bed.  Then I need to wash them.  I don't remember the last time I washed my sheets. 

I am doing a load of laundry right now, I will wash it tonight and finish it tomorrow night.  It's too hot to run the dryer right now and I need to go to bed early (7). 

I did find something interesting: taking the Children's Claratin makes me a lot more alert.  It was pretty hard for me to take my nap today, I felt so perky. 

I'm not really wild about using one chemical, albeit a legal, OTC, chemical, to counteract the negative side effects of my medication, but I can use this on days like MRI day, when I most assuredly will not be getting a nap. 

Off I go, sorry I'm not more scintillating.  I need to call my Dad. 

They are having my primary abuser's son over to "visit", ice cream, amusement parks, etc.  As you can imagine it's a little weird for me. 

Edit to add, the guy who brings Ron's alcohol sent me a text wondering how he was.  Why not just call Ron direct? 

Some kind of game.  I had Ron call him and leave a very coherent voicemail. 

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Dark days

Yesterday I took Ron to work.  He did a pretty good job, stocking.  I stocked my end of things, we got our delivery, etc.  I got up at 3 AM to get ready for work, our driver came at 4. 

While at work, I had a funny encounter.  Work recently hired a bunch of temporary workers.  One of them came up to me asking for change. 

I asked "For what?", meaning, tell me the denomination. 

"To buy something" he replied. 

"What kind of bill do you have?" I finally asked more specifically, then he told me.  We don't make change on anything larger than a $20.  It can be annoying, people come to me, they want "custom" change ("I want a ten, and a five, and five ones....").  I'm not a banker, I'm a vendor.  I have $1 bills, that's it.  If you don't want $1 bills don't bother me. 

Happily we were all done before the pickup time so we could leave.  We came home, I took a nap.  We went to the pupusa place. 

While there, Ron called our handyman about pressure washing the driveway.  He said he would come right over.  OK. 

It took him a while but he did it.  It looks very good, the homeowner's association should be happy for a while.  It's Ron's fault.  When he called them about the tree getting trimmed he was hostile and combative.  I bet they couldn't wait to make us jump through more hoops after that.  I told Ron not to call them this time.   He agreed. 

Today it rained in the morning, when we went to the warehouse, when we were loading the truck, and more importantly, when I was unloading it.  Jack thought the rain would be a problem, I told him it wasn't.  I have done this before.  Happily, I have never had to unload the truck, in the rain, in the winter.  That would really suck.  This was nothing. 

My hair stayed wet, though, from the time I washed it to the time I woke up from my nap.  I had some work to do today, so I did that.  Ron had very little to do and spent his time sorting change. 

Ron has been bitter, negative, needy, demanding, and hostile.  He is just a miserable person to be around, right now.  I thank God for my antidepressants or he would undoubtedly "poison" me with his toxic negativity.  

Thank God for the cats.  Torbie slept with me last night, Biscuit laid next to the shower the last couple days when I was bathing, Biscuit also dances on me in bed when my alarm goes off (but only when the alarm goes off), Torbie got in my lap, Biscuit got in my lap, and Baby Girl was her usual cute self.  They are some very nice bright spots in some pretty dark days. 

I also downloaded the Blogger app and put that on my cell phone, if something happens I can post immediately.  It could also come in handy if Ron ever carries through on his threats to turn off my internet (but we need it for work).  I was happy I figured it out, I hadn't been able to do that the last time I tried. 

He hasn't been complaining about pain but he's been sleeping a lot, keeping the air conditioner at very cold levels, to me.  He gets angry if I adjust the thermostat but I don't think it's fair for him to set it so cold it literally wakes me up, shivering.  And how stupid is it to put a heavy blanket on the bed in the middle of summer?  That's just wasteful. 

He has been weaker but I guess that is to be expected since he basically spent the week in bed, drinking and taking OTC remedies.  His latest is Benadryl, even though they say don't take it with alcohol, what does he do?  "Because I sleep so well, when I do".  One night he's going to have a stroke or something, doing all this, if he doesn't kill himself. 

Sorry to be writing such black posts.  My readership is way down.  I don't think I would want to read me right about now but I appreciate those of you who do. 

I could use your prayers. 

Black cloud of doom

Ron has been in a particularly bad mood all day.  I asked him "Are you going to be like this forever?". He said yes.  I couldn't believe it! 

BTW, I am writing this from the blogger mobile app.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Every damn day, as directed

"I went off my cholesterol pills" the driver told us "Because they mad me tired.  I couldn't live like that.  Who could live like that? " 

Ron agreed with her and they continued their conversation.  I just sat in my seat, steaming, trying to keep my mouth shut. 

The day started off pretty good.  We got up, I took my shower and did most of my God Time, waited on our ride to pick us up.  The tropical storm went to the east of us, and we barely had any rain, much less flooding.  So I was glad we had made a trip to go out just in case. 

After the week I had, I wanted to go out and relax, without paying for a cab.  Ron was in pretty good shape, he had taken all his Benadryl so he didn't sleep, but other than that he seemed OK.  Certainly able to work tomorrow (we already made the trips). 

The driver picked us up and began talking about the cholesterol pills and the side effects.  I was dying to say something like "If you didn't like your cholesterol, why didn't you eat better?"  Instead, she whined, moaned, and carried on like a woman in labor talking about her minor fatigue issue. 

You want to throw down about side effects?  Let's do that.  Let's do that here. 
  1. Migraines
  2. Chronic daily headaches in addition to migraines.
  3. Extreme fatigue, need a lot of sleep every night and ideally a nap during the day. 
  4. Shaking hands.  Sometimes I can't even feed myself. 
  5. Dizziness. 
  6. Dry mouth and extreme thirst, to the point I am drinking 2-3 gallons of fluid a day. 
  7. Brain fog, attacks of the stupids. 
  8. Hard time finding the right word sometimes. 
  9. Hyopoanatremia. 
  10. 80 pound weight gain and trouble losing it. 
  11. Decreased heat tolerance. 
I could go on, but you get the idea.  I get really angry at people who bitch about minor side effects from optional drugs, when I am stuck with major side effects from necessary drugs.  I don't want to take all this crap, I really don't. 

And what the hell is this?  Twice in the last month I have had drivers tell me they hallucinate.  What are they doing driving?  Why are they not medicated?  They want to know what I'm taking, I tell them, but I can't help but think WTF?

Ron likes to gossip about my issues, I am OK with that.  I am all for education.  However, it becomes alarming when I have drivers saying "Me too" and wanting to take Haldol. 

I know maybe God sent me to them so they could get on Haldol.  Haldol is a front line treatment for mental illness.  In generic form, it is very cheap.  It is highly effective. 

A lot of doctors push the new stuff like Risperidal, which didn't work for me, at least not well.  It was also, at the time, extremely expensive at $240 a month.  One other drug, Abilify, was connected to compulsive gambling.  Scary stuff. 

I'll take my old school drugs and old school side effects.  I feel a lot safer taking that, even though I am at risk for a brain syndrome that could literally fry my brain, taking lithium and Haldol together.  I certainly don't drink, taking it. 

At any rate, I was, and am, upset about it.  It just wasn't fair.  There are billions of people out there not compelled to take medication, cough up large chunks of their pay, and endure side effects.  To hear them whine about what it's like to be 1/10 me is just painful. 

She dropped us off.  We went to the Kolache factory and I got some cream cheese.  Then I took Ron to Subway.  They had the meatballs this time, so he got one.  As before, I had them put onions on top of the meatballs before they put it in the toaster oven.  Ron likes that. 

Then we went to Starbucks.  I got a hot chocolate and ate one of my kolaches, saving the rest for later.  I ate them at home, with a Diet Dr Pepper, and a large handful of medication.   Every damn day, as directed. 

Our ride home came pretty quick.  She had a lot of Walmart trips after us, I thought that was interesting.  We had a straight trip home. 

I ate my kolaches, took my pills, and went to bed.  I was pretty tired.  I slept a couple hours and woke up having a nightmare.  I got up. 

I finished my God Time, rolled down the exterior blinds, etc.  I cleaned out my email, that one took a while.  So much junk, but I have had the email address for 19 years.  I guess it's to be expected. 

Then I watched a little TV.  Now I need to eat a quick snack and go to bed.  I have to get up at 2 AM tomorrow. 

God willing, I will fall asleep fast and sleep hard.  I hope I get Torbie in my bed like I did last night, and during my nap. 

I always sleep better with Torbie. 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Better but not great

Last night was horrible, Ron kept groaning, it was pretty awful. 

When I went to bed last night, I didn't set an alarm, I resolved to get up when I got up and get my full sleep.  A little hard to do that with the groaning. 

This morning, Ron was doing better and more alert.  I talked him into taking a Neurontin.  I saw a pretty dramatic improvement in him after that but he just said it was a little better. 

I also found an empty can of spaghettios with meatballs on the kitchen counter, so he was eating again.  Good.  I figured if I put it out he would eat it. 

I called a cab (Ron gave me more money) and I went to work.  I had another nice Nigerian guy.  If you took all the Nigerian guys out of the fleet, you wouldn't have a fleet.  I like them, they are hard workers, good customer service, good drivers, etc. 

I went into work.  I took the carts out and did my snacks.  That took a while.  Then I did Ron's inventory because he kept bugging me for it.  I texted it to him.  At home, he calculated what we needed.  He called me back, upset, because we didn't need 30 cases. 

I reminded him, as far as I knew, our contract said we had to order 30 cases a month.  It didn't say anything about a minimum case order.  Why didn't he call our sales rep and find the minimum? 

He did that, and texted me we only needed a 10 case minimum.  He called in the order. 

I started working on stocking the canned sodas.  I stocked about 10 cases.  Not much, but better than nothing.  That's $108 in profit. 

Done with canned sodas, I had to do my most hated job: mashing up the cardboard boxes for the recycling.  Ron normally does this.  Boy, I missed him while I ripped and squashed each individual box.  Plastic wrappers (from the Coke products) went into the plastic recycling bin. 

Finally mostly done, I stashed the rest on a cart to mash up Friday.  I will have plenty of time. 

Last but not least, the bottled vendor needed 4 cases of drinks.  I got warm drinks and put them on the cart, then took them to the fridge.  I took the cold drinks out of the fridge and put them on the cart, then replaced them with the warm drinks.  Then I took the cold drinks right back to the bottled vendor and stocked them. 

I hate doing the Coke products, because they have rings on the drinks.  It is hard to pull the drinks apart.  The other products don't do that, but one time, when I dropped a case of tea, the plastic ripped and I had 24 teas all over the ground.  That was a mess. 

I got it all stocked.  Finally done.  Ron normally does the drinks. 

He kept calling me and texting me while I worked, but he sounded good.  You know how someone sounds so weak when they are in a lot of pain?  I didn't hear that.  He was also very alert. 

I found that encouraging.  I knew he had to snap out of it sometime. 

He asked me where he money went in his wallet, I told him he gave it to me for cab fare.  Speaking of, I needed a ride home. 

He called Roy, who was 20 minutes away.  Then he called Lou, who was 10 minutes away.  He cancelled with Roy (I wouldn't have done that) and had Lou get me instead. 

I got home pretty quickly.  I took a nap, but Ron's alarm woke me up.  I wasn't too happy about that, I told him next time he wants to set an alarm, set one on his cell phone.  He agreed. 

I got up and brought in the garbage can.  Then I checked the mail.  We used 2000 gallons on the water bill, same as every month.  It's funny when you think how much water that is all in one place, but then when you think about showers, laundry, toilets flushing, it adds up.  I have been told 2K is on the low side for an American family of 2. 

That reminds me, I probably need to fill up the cats' water bowl.  They have been drinking a lot of water in this heat. 

I have tomorrow off but I have to go to bed early so I can get up early Friday morning for my Dr Pepper delivery.  I hope Ron is well enough to assist me.  We can't afford all these cabs. 

I don't think the bus runs, either, when I'd need it on Friday. 

Edit: apparently Ron didn't take the Neurontin today.  He is in the kitchen slamming back shots in the kitchen right now. 

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Caregiver burnout

Last night Ron told me I was on my own if I wanted to go to Walmart today.  He gave me some money and told me to get a cab, he didn't want to go. 

This morning I got up around 7:30.  Biscuit was in my bed with me, and so was Torbie.  It was really nice snuggling with the two cats.  I had a mild headache so I got up. 

I used the bathroom and took some aspirin.  I fed them wet food, but Biscuit was sitting on the bucket of dry, denying me access.  I fed them some dry later.  Torbie loves dry food. 

I took my shower and did my God Time, then called Lou the Cab Driver to take me to Walmart.  He was happy for the trip.  I like to think it's because I treat him with respect and tip pretty well. 

I got to Walmart, I had some interesting things on my list, protein bars, vitamin A, canned food (in case the tropical thing comes to visit, and it's a good idea to have canned food on hand anyway), ant baits, and cat food. 

I got everything on my list.  I thought it was cute, we had 2 other cat ladies and a cat guy on the cat food aisle.  I had to ask the cat guy to move so I could access the Fancy Feast Salmon pate.  They sure love that stuff. 

I got some other stuff, chips, ice cream, basically comfort food for me.  I hadn't eaten yet so I went to McDonald's after paying.  I bought Ron a burger and got myself some chicken nuggets.  I ate the nuggets there and took my medication. 

I did get a little queasy afterward, so I think I need to do nuggets + something else, a shake, some fries or something.  I hate it when I get queasy. 

I ended up eating a bag of peanut butter M&M's and that worked just fine. 

I called Lou back, he could come and get me.  I had asked him to try if he could. 

Yay!  I wouldn't get stuck at Walmart with all my stuff, like I did that one time.  Chuck's truck is in the shop so I wouldn't have that option, this time. 

I came home and put my stuff away, Ron was semi-awake.  He had a bottle of vodka in his bed.  He was using his back massager to "vibrate" his legs and Baby Girl was sleeping with him. 

I thought it was pretty cute.  I tried to give Ron his hamburger and he threw it on the bed, yelling that he was deleting files.  OK.  Not sober, or nice, burger is going in the fridge.  He has to sober up some time. 

I put his Spaghettios with meatballs in front of the microwave so he has something to eat, if he ever decides to eat. 

I took a nap, Ron was pretty quiet. 

I made the mistake of telling him I was awake, when I got up.  I had planned to clean up because tonight is garbage eve.  The trash collectors come tomorrow so I can fill up that garbage can with all my unwanted stuff.  I was really going, too. 

But Ron kept interrupting me every 30 seconds, it seemed, yelling gibberish and making demands.  One of which was for me to find his bottle of vodka and put it in his hand.  I told him "You know I won't do that". 

He yelled he was in pain, but he sounded more drunk than anything.  I am absolutely certain the medical profession can provide Ron with a painkiller that will serve him better than alcohol.  I didn't say that, he wasn't rational enough to hear it.  He went off on me, lots of verbal abuse, name calling, threatening to divorce me, etc.  Calling me fat.  He did that, a lot. 

That, I don't really take personally because I am overweight.  It's like calling me someone who wears glasses.  Of course I am. 

At any rate, I didn't respond so he eventually wore down.  He fell asleep.  He is sleeping right now, I will enjoy it while it lasts. 

I just hope he doesn't do the yelling for me every 2 minutes thing tonight when I am trying to sleep.  I will yell at him if he does that. 

Oh, I feel like a poster child for caregiver burnout. 

"The perfect combination"

I didn't sleep well last night.  The Claratin was alive and well in my system.  It will probably come as no surprise to you that I would...