Showing posts from June, 2013

Donkey's Butt

I always get a little disappointed when a Christian friend of mine "likes" something clearly hostile towards our leadership. 

What does the Bible say?  I always go on the Bible. 

Romans 13

Some highlights:  (Romans 13:1-2) "the authorities that exist are appointed by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves." 

Let's look at that.  God put the president in his place, literally.  So he is God's appointed.  You really want to put the face of God's appointed on a donkey butt?   You want to "like" it? 

[My pastor covered this today in church and I thought it would make a good blog as well]

What do we do, then? 

We do this:  1 Timothy Chapter 2:1-3

Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, 2 for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all god…

Video Blog

It is

It's not about teaching, or even preaching. 

What makes a good Christian? 

A lot of people think it's about educating others, the believers and the unreached - preaching their interpretation of things to a willing, or unwilling crowd.  They value their appearance to others "I am a teacher of the Word". 

So, what is a Christian? 

It's not the guy telling me my recipients will go to hell unless I hand out a KJV. 

It's not the cults that only share their gospel in the good neighborhood. 

It's not the guy expositing to me, against my will, about some obscure Biblical point as we go to work. 

It is the lady in the ghetto, who brings Ron and I cold bottles of water during every handout.  I don't know how she finds us, but she does, every time. 

It is the gang at Grace and Truth, who send me tracts even when I can't afford the shipping, much less the cost of printing. 

It is the internet friend, who spends hard earned money on Bibles so I can sh…

Rush Hour Handout

Well, I am o-u-t OUT of New Testaments. 

It was a good handout, but a little wierd.  We got up early and got to the handout location, in Acres Homes, during morning rush hour.  Ron says about 7:45. 

One lady approached me as I rolled everything (signs, case of done-up Bibles, etc).  I offered her a Bible. She left and went halfway across the street, then came back and asked for some more "For my grandchildren".  I will never say no to that. 

I had some large quantity distribution. Two women riding in a car, wanted some for themselves.  When I mentioned children they asked for 8 additional Bibles.  Happy to help. 

Moving along, a carload of young adults/teens. I made sure everyone got one. 

One lady had a ferocious rat terrier in the back of the car.  It kept barking at me as I gave the owner some Bibles.  After she left, I told Ron "I'm glad that wasn't a pit bull!" 

Ron heard some yelling at the gas station.  "Stop leaning in that direction"…

It's hot, so what?

Well, I have tomorrow off. 

However, I slept really badly last night, and when I took a nap today, was awakened twice by salesmen.  I count JW'S as salesmen.  I ran them off, told them I was saved. 

I thought it was interesting they sent 2 men, and not the woman who had come by before. 

I tried to go back to sleep, but Ron's talking watch has the hourly report on.  So, it loudly announced the time, every hour, on the hour. 

The second guy was selling cable, not a very good deal, God love him.  I did give him and his cohort some Bibles. 

First, of course, we went to 2 different stores, got supplies for work, and stocked them.  I noticed the warehouse club, which had been out of all flavor mix chips after Father's day, had some, but they were going out of code in 2 weeks.  That would be fine for a family event.  Not fine for my machines. 

I ended up getting a different product mix than I wanted, but at least the machines are full.  After that, I went outside and waited…

Cheese ball

Once I got to sleep, I slept great.  My anxiety level (clearly I was having issues) went way down, too. 

I'm still having trouble but I'm pretty functional so I'm not too worried. 

Doc told me once "I don't care how you take your medication, as long as you take it every day".  Since I tend to have a lot of digestive trouble after taking the Depakote (which I will not relate); and a bad headache yesterday, I decided to take everything altogether yesterday. 

I ate a fettuccine TV dinner with some yogurt and I was fine.  Yesterday. 

Today, after work, I tried 2 hotdogs. Epic fail.  I didn't vomit but oh, the nausea. 

We had a trip to go to Walmart.  It was pretty easy to say "No" to most of the junk food when I felt so bad. 

Ron's wishing he got nuts.  I did get him some Babybels and a cheese ball.  You know, the ball of cheese rolled in nuts?  I think he'll love that when he tries it.  I did warn him not to consume any dairy within 3…

Other ideas

I think, about 90% of my neighbor "problems" stem from my illness.  Things that wouldn't bother an "average" person, I think, really affect me a lot more than I'd like. 

Some examples:
Neighbor kids or strangers in the yard.
Barking dogs. 
Music, played at night. 

Some things I think would bother most people.  The people in #6 like to put their garbage cans up against the side of my house.  They throw the lid open at all hours of the day and night (they have at least one kid in diapers, so I get that), hitting the side of my house and waking me up.  Not to mention the large garbage can full of dirty diapers, right up against my bedroom wall - that would make anyone a little twitchy. 

I cannot stress this enough, do not buy a home with a zero property line.  The side of my house, for 40 feet, is the property line.  That includes my bedroom wall; and it's caused plenty of hassles.  The neighbors treat it as a fence, not a house.

So, like I said, I th…

Don't show your belly

Certain issues, for me, are a lot more triggering than I'd like to admit.  Neighbor children in my yard.  Music, played at night.  Either issue can provoke a ton of anxiety. 

Neighbor kids (and this is embarrasing for me to admit, because I know it makes me look like a "mean woman") - I was OK with them in my yard, until a legal person told me "If kids get hurt in your yard, and they had permission, you are liable for the injuries".  That led to a swift revocaction of all permissions. 

Frustratingly, one day when I had a day out, Ron told the kids next door to "go get their ball" which opened the door to years of home invasions, loud screaming groups of children running wild in my yard.  Most alarmingly, I caught the then-2-year-old on more than one occasion, in my yard, unsupervised.  He liked to run around in our driveway, too, when his Mom would take him out of the yard (separate driveways).  I would hear him banging on the garage door, opening t…

Paint chips

Oh, it was such a long day. 

I got up at 3.  The vacuum still sat on the curb, next to my driveway.  I tested Ron's sugars, cleaned his legs, and ate some breakfast. 

You know, if they didn't need me to drive, I could probably get a homecare job.  God knows I have plenty of experience. 

Anyway, off to work.  I had about 25 pounds of unopened cat food.  The girls love this, in the adult chicken flavor.  They gobble it up.  They've hardly touched the other food since we got this, so it's staying. 

I gave the cat food to Mike, who has 2 cats.  They'll love it. 

I gave him some cat food after Frosty died.  Bubba was always a picky eater and he refused to eat any more after Frosty died.  I had to buy another brand. 

The girls are picky and don't like Bubba's brand, but I found it a new home.  Good. 

Our delivery was due around 5.  We had a 9 AM pickup.  We got home at 1.  That kind of says it all. 

Exhausted, I ate a microwaved hamburger and took my meds…

Do I consider?

I have had to set some boundaries with a person I know.  I finally had to block her when she asked "Do you consider yourself mentally ill?"  How, in the correspondence, talking about my medication, seeing my posts in a group for could she not understand: I am crazy.

I didn't much care for the tone of the question, either. 

I am only as good as my next dose.  I understand that, accept that, manage it, and have a good life.  Anyone can.  Understand it.  Accept it.  Manage it = take your medication as directed.  Have a good life. 

But our correspondence got me thinking about some things:  I like to see myself as a woman of action. 

When I am confronted with a problem, I educate myself.  I analyze the situation, pray on it, and then act.  I like that about myself; I think it's a wonderful asset. 

Ron has freaky sores?  Let's go look it up. 

Ron has bad circulation?  The minute I got home I looked up remedies and gave Ron suggestions.  His feet are al…

Hoarders and Doctors

Well, Medicare still pays most of the bills. 

I took Ron to the doctor.  I checked his sugar at home, and then he asked me to check it again in the waiting room.  I thought it was funny, the first time I actually had a biohazard sharps container. 

I felt the doc took Ron seriously, a good exam.  Every doctor wants to give Ron Bactrim, but he's allergic.  We have another antibiotic now, which reminds me, I need to clean his legs again. 

I have always considered homecare/caregiver as one of my jobs - well, it sure is now. 

Doc saw us an hour late, so I was pretty hungry.  Fortunately I had a nice can of vienna sausage in my backpack.  Normally I find the idea of canned sausage revolting, but I was that hungry.  I made a mess and ate them, barehanded, like an animal while the medical assistant ran various tests on Ron. 

Ron and I were "cutting up", cracking jokes and all.  A good example, Ron had to urinate.  I found the medical assistant and asked her if they needed s…

Medical History

I have to do up Ron's medical history for tomorrow, so I thought it might be fun to throw his, and mine, in the blog. 

Mine is easy: "Lazy Eye" surgery at age 2.  Farsighted, requires glasses.  Various childhod ailments, I caught every flu.  Uneventful until age 13, hospitalized for depression.  Kidney infection at age 18, a week in the hospital. 

Diagnosed with ovarian cysts (a dermoid, and a hemmorhagic), one on each ovary.  I had surgery for them at age 25.  Doc got the bleeder, but not the dermoid.  He did a lot of fertility work and OB, and was reluctant to take the ovary even though I said I was fine without.  I even brought Ron in, but I was "only" 25. 

Age 30 I had a really bad bout of Salmonella, the day we bought the house.  I was sick for weeks. 

I was finally diagnosed bipolar, type one, rapid cycling, psychotic features at age 32.  I have found that lithum/depakote work best for mood stabilizing; wellbutrin best for the antidepressant, and Hald…

Didn't agree

Sometimes Ron & company are rather horrified about what I reveal in the blog - about myself. 

It is a bit alarming that my #1 post on my stats is the one regarding my cycle.  Oh, well, that said, I'm not talking too much about my current issue. 

I had a lovely night of sleep and woke up after about 12 hours.  Two handouts in less than a week, plus work, and more caregiving had wiped me out.  I'd also had some nasty headaches. 

Well, it's not a headache, but I'm really glad I have that gatorade.  Yesterday on the handout, a nice man gave me a bottle of Gatorade G2.  I thought that was very sweet and considerate. 

Little did I know, not 24 hours later, I'd be chugging it, my abdomen racked with alarming rumbles and cramps. 

Now, I expect spritual warfare.  I expect "attacks".  I generally expect a depression.  I wasn't expecting this. 

Now I'm beginning to realize why God had me buy all the Powerade Zero.  I thought it would make a nice st…

"Occupied" Bible handout

I could feel the eyes in the back of my neck as I leaned into the car window, distributing Bibles.  The driver reached for a wallet "I don't take money!  I'll be praying for you."  The driver looked behind me, to him.  "I'm not with him.  Have a good day!"  The driver quickly rolled up the window as the guy scoffed in frustration. 

Today started off pretty average.  A case of Bibles on the floor, my Handout bag, some drinks.  First, though, I went to work.  After work, I came home and got a quick nap, then got everything together for the handout. 

Ron asked me to bring the blood sugar test kit, so I did.  I made sure the lancet wasn't "armed".  The last thing I needed was a fingerstick! 

I brought drinks, hat, vest.  I wore my loud orange t-shirt, white terry cloth sweatband, cargo shorts, and cheap sneakers.  Ron wore twill slacks and a t-shirt, in the wheelchair.   I squealed with joy when I found a hairclip, clipping my ponytail up o…

Spirituality in mental illness

I can't give medical advice, and I won't.  Everyone is different. 

However, occasionally I get an email from someone experiencing mental illness either in their own, or someone else's, life.  Generally my response to either is the same. 

Live a quiet life; take the meds.  It really comes down to medication.  I've seen people, myself included, who tend to view mental illness through a spiritual lens; and yes, it can have spiritual components. 

At the end of the day, though, it's a biological problem.  Ron is diabetic.  I can pray over him all I want, but if he isn't eating right and checking his blood sugar he will get sicker. 

There's only one way to get better with mental illness - live a quiet, stable, lifestyle with no alcohol or "illegals", get your 8 hours of sleep every night, and take all medication, as directed, by the doctor.  Give the medication time to work, and keep your doctor updated on your progress. 

Then add the spiritual com…

The other children

"Don't talk to me about pets" my driver told me "I'm sick of pets.  My daughter kills every pet we get." 

My eyes bugged out as I heard her relate the tale.  Three year old child.  Two parakeets.  One dies.  The next day, the other dies.  Mother asks little girl what happened.  "I let him eat my sparkler" (the one you light for July 4th). 

"Why did you let the other one eat your sparkler if you knew he would die?" 
"I don't know." 

So, Mom got a puppy, a pit bull.  Now, that's another blog.  The little girl appeared to love the dog, and carried it everywhere. 

One day, Mom came home from work and found the dog very lethargic.  She checked an hour later, the dog was dead. 

"What did you do to the dog?"
"I gave him fried chicken and biscuits with honey!"
"What, I told you to NEVER do that!" 

[Leaving a toddler alone with a pit bull of any age, a subject for another blog] 

Someone ca…

3 ones?

So, I'm wondering.  Is it a 3 day migraine?  Or just 3 one day migraines? 


I think I need to get some more Cal-mag-zinc.  I ran out about a week ago. 

I had a good night of sleep, woke up with the headache, did my God Time.  Ran to Walmart and got my pills, some cute t-shirts for both of us. 

Ron likes pocket t-shirts.  The trick is finding flattering colors, with a low polyester content.  Polyester in Houston - ugh! 

Ron bought my Depakote, so I had the money to spend on him.  I got him a grass green heather (wierd not to capitalize), and a deep blue heather.  I got myself a nice deep teal green heather.  Each shirt had a very low 10% polyester content.  I could have gone the cutesy route and gotten matching shirts, but Ron will only wear a pocket-t.  The one I liked for me, was a plain front. 

I like a pocket-t for my work shirts.  I wear my security badge on a lanyard, around my neck, and I don't want it hanging down and getting caught when I'm moving mercha…

Handout report.

It went great. 107 in 45 minutes.

I have had a pretty bad headache today, so this won't be long.

Our ride was late to get there. Ron was worried we would not have enough time. It was a little slow the first couple minutes, but then it picked up.

Some of my favorites:
The black guy in a work uniform, way over in the right turn lane. Looked at me while I was working. Holy Spirit said he wanted a Bible. The man was looking at me like "I know I don't get a Bible". He was so thrilled when I checked the light, ran over, got him, and told him I'd be praying daily (I do).

The Indian lady, in a sari and all, took one look at me and just laughed and laughed joyfully.

The Muslims who declined in a very polite fashion, like I might bite them.

Then I had families. Oh man, let me tell you. Hold the Spanish up next to someone who is clearly latino and they go nuts. I gave away almost a whole case.

I had people honking, window down (in feels like over 100) yelli…

Video Blog



Well, my modem is acting up. I take good care of my modems, but I always seem to have trouble. It's a little frustrating. I don't throw it around, drop it, have it in extreme temperatures, leave it in the sun, or anything bad. It gets the same treatment as the computer, perched on top of my old cube style monitor.
I typed this in my word processor and then did a copy and paste when the modem did behave. 

I've been experiencing something lately I find a little frustrating. More than once, lately, I have had to go back and tell a store "You didn't charge me enough". The last occasion, I had 3 plastic drinking glasses, but only charged for 2. I had enough time to get in there and pay, but I didn't want to get back in line.

Today, Ron and I went to the pet store. Well, he stayed at Starbucks while I walked over. Baby Girl loves her Blue Wilderness Kitten food. Tobie (Pretty Girl's new name) loves it too.

However, Baby Girl is about a ye…

Spirit of Fear

My neighbor doesn't seem to be working very much for a yard guy, in Houston, in the summer.  I wonder about that.  My other neighbor, the one with all the kids, works 12 hours a day in the summer.  This guy?  Maybe 4.  How are he and his woman able to pay for a 4 bedroom rental house, an SUV, and a pickup truck?  I have theories. 

Since it was our day off, Ron and I made a trip to Dollar Tree.  He didn't want me cooking my brains at the bus stop.  Since his love language is "Acts of Service", he likes to take me places.  Usually. 

I tell him a ball park time, how long I require, and he sets up the trip.  He does a good job. 

I needed more antibiotic cream, cotton rounds, etc.  Ron was happy to make the trip. 

I had to do some editing to prevent comma abuse.  [grin]

As I went out to the Metrolift (paratransit, our usual converted minivan yellow cab), I saw the guy next door.  I got in the vehicle and suggested the driver leave the back passenger door open for Ron,…

You just slapped a blister!

I'm going to put up a link, first.

Ron and I have figured out he is a type 2 diabetic.  I know some of you are saying "Aha!". 

I have to admit, I did figure, if and when this day came, I thought he wouldn't be smart. 

I was wrong. 

First, let's talk about why I even have a blood sugar meter.  Years ago, I took 2 medications that can raise blood sugar to unhealthy levels.  It seemed prudent, to me, to spend the $35 bucks for a meter, 50 test strips, and lancets. 

Sure enough, I found myself with borderline high fasting blood sugars, and after meal sugars.  I was pretty diligent about eating low carb during that time. 

I had a severe allergic reaction to the SSRI, ending my use, and last year I switched from risperidone to haloperidol.  I checked my sugar a few times, and it's been fine. 

One, or both, medications affected my blood sugar control.  Once I got rid of them (it's been my experience that the older drugs are b…

Spanish New Testaments

How does a drunken party lead to the puchase of a case of Spanish New Testaments? 

Recently, I had a dream.  In it, I felt God was preparing me for spiritual warfare to come. 

I know some of my unreached readers find me very frustrating.  Everything, to me, is spiritual warfare. 

I do a lot to spread the Gospel - I'm saying that, not to toot my horn, but as a factual statement.  The average Christian does not get out...oh, I sound so horribly bloated with pride.  That is so embarrassing, but I will leave it in there just to show I can be an ass sometimes!  [grin]

How's this: I'm out in the trenches, sharing Jesus, almost every day of my life.  Some days I literally share Him with dozens of Bible recipients.  Other days I may share a single New Testament or some testimony; and you can't forget Ron, ever warning people "Don't take the mark" (of the antichrist). 

One day, he warns, the world will be in severe chaos.  A wonderful new leader will appear an…

A former tirade, toned down: Why?

"Don't be too passionate" Ron pleaded as I headed off to the computer room. 

When I arrived, I turned on my computer only to realize I had a "mysterious" internet failure. 

"Heather" I could hear God saying "You're too upset."  So, I took a nap.  When I got up I promised God I would tame the vehemence if He would help get my internet working again. 

You're reading this, He agreed. 

I can understand the parent's point of view.  Money is tight all over, and what's cuter and more endearing than a small child walking up to a stranger, asking them for money?  Only a jerk would keep his wallet in his pocket and walk away. 

However, I have encountered small children begging for money - and I'm in a solid middle class area - three times in this week alone.  In all cases, it was obvious the children were not from needy families. 

In all 3 cases, it was referred to as "fundraising" - a small child walking up to a co…

Some thoughts on my hair

My hair is about 2 feet long.  It grows fast, is thick, and has a nice wave.   I've always liked it. 

I remember, in high school, when I was in the "special program for emotionally disturbed kids" (my last 2 years), they used to get very angry if I'd show up with unwashed, depressed, hair.  They'd punish me - I forget most of them - no lunch, stuff like that.  They wouldn't let me read (that, to me, is punishment, although the worst would be saying I couldn't write).  It even got to the point of suspension.  They didn't like my cowlicks sticking out (I had short hair) and they sent me home a few times.  That resulted in me getting shoved in the bathroom and ordered to shower, every night, getting checked to see if I had washed my hair - etc. 

Hey, I still have a hard time taking a shower when I'm depressed. 

So, to start, my hair was an issue. 

However, after I moved out I could do whatever I wanted.  I decided to grow it out.  I started with …

No Extreme Measures

I know God has wonderful plans for me, after I die, at my appointed time.  No, I'm not doing anything dumb. 

Let's talk pets:  I have known some people who spent thousands and thousands of dollars on extreme medical interventions, for their pets, causing the poor animal agony as they went through countless, invasive, procedures. 

I was worried: when my sister sent me a text, saying her cat was dying, I thought I might have to give her the talk.  Happily, I was wrong.  She isn't going to torture the poor thing with invasive procedures. 

I have had 2 cats put down, and lost another cat to poisoning.  The poisoned cat was ill when I left for work, but not acutely.  When I got home she was dead. 

Frosty became acutely ill overnight.  When I took him to the clinic, they told me they couldn't do anything.  He was dying.  He would die easy, or die hard.  I chose die easy, and petted him gently as they gave him the shot.  I never regretted it.  Frosty

Then I had Bubba.  Bu…

My Day

Mixed episodes can be pretty frustrating.  One day I'm mostly depressed (yesterday), another, I'm mostly manic (today). 

Before I woke up, I had an interesting dream.  Ron and I were going to (fight in) a prizefight.  He could see, and was driving us. 

I decided to interpret that as a spiritual warfare message.  Sometimes I wonder why I have all the drama, forgettting I am on the front lines. 

That, and I'm crazy. 

So, everyone's all freaked out "the government is watching you".  SO WHAT.  I am completely open about all my thoughts and feelings.  No secrets.  I can keep someone else's secret, but I don't really have any of my own. 

I have always figured the government was monitoring me on some level, and acted accordingly.  When people "like" posts hostile to the administration, I pass.  Sure, it might be funny, but I'm being watched.  Not worth it.  I don't join, or like, radical groups.  I don't join any groups, unless you…

A fairly average day

I woke up, took my shower, and decided to forgo the morning God time in exchange for quality time with Ron and Pretty Girl (I got it later).  Ron asked to rename her - he wants to call her Torbie.  It's a term for tabby calico - she has black, brown, and orange fur, in a tabby pattern. 

Sure, why not.  Ron kept getting Baby Girl and Pretty Girl names confused.  I don't think the cats care, as long as he's petting them and handing out the occasional treat, but it mattered to Ron. 

My grandmother called me by my aunt's name for weeks, when I went to visit her, about 20 years ago.  It was pretty funny.  I answered to it, I knew it wasn't a slight or anything.  I was a brown haired little girl.  I reminded her of her brunette daughter. 

Anyway, I have no problem with it.  I call both girls Pretty and Baby, they don't mind. 

I cleaned up the bad spot on Ron's leg, it's looking better.  Ron still has a couple more antibiotic capsules.  He wore pants.  I t…

2 weeks of hell

It's been an exhausting couple weeks. 

Warning, "Icky" ahead for the squeamish. 

Ron finally gave me "permission" to talk about it, largely, I think, because it's finally getting better. 

Scenario: two weeks ago, Ron wakes up with large, fluid-filled blisters on his legs, several at least, ranging from upper thigh to lower calf.  Several on the left leg, a few on the right. 

Within a day of erupting, the blisters popped and scabbed over.  We couldn't figure out the cause.  They appear to be burn blisters, but he hasn't been burned. 

As near as I can figure, with internet research, they MIGHT be diabetic in nature.  It's very uncommon, but a diabetic blister looks like a regular friction (new shoes) or burn blister. 

I checked his sugars one hour after he's eaten, and they came in at 167.  Plenty of authorities say the ideal is under 140, after eating. 

Source:  Look up link for "Healthy Blood Sugar Targets"

Clearly, 167 is n…

This is what manic looks like

So, after we got to work, I got my deliveries and did my inventory.  I get inventory tomorrow, and then stock it.  Things are pretty good.  The machines still look OK but clearly do need some inventory. 

I got a dizzy spell, and told Ron, interestingly enough, I thought it was the Depakote.  I remarked I could still think while I felt dizzy, and he "made" me sit down for a minute. 

Times like that I'm glad I'm not a roofer. 

After work, we went home for a little bit, and then we went to Dollar Tree.  Ron needed some flashdrives, which I got further down the strip mall.  He is pretty hard on his media. 

I got some first aid stuff for Ron and some things for me.  About the worst thing to happen: I thought I had put 3 Cherry Berry Wyler's light in my cart.  I didn't - I only put one, and 2 raspberry.  That's OK, I like raspberry.  Not as much, but I'll live, and if that's the worst thing of the day I'm doing great! 

I realized I wasn't j…

Big Trouble

I feel like I'm always typing "It's been a wierd couple days".  Well, it has. 

Yesterday morning started out fine, except I missed a good chunk of my God Time.  I overslept. 

I sat in my chair and waited on our ride.  When we reached 15 minutes late, mark, Ron called paratransit.  He shouted "Look outside, they are here". 

I looked outside, and saw what I do everytime:  a quiet suburban street.  No paratransit.  I told Ron.  Dispatch kept insisting they were at our location, because the driver had pushed the "arrive" button. 

If the driver does not push the arrive button, prior to, or on time for the pickup, they get in trouble.  For some, that can be a tempation to push the button when they aren't at the location. 

I suggested dispatch ask the driver to describe her surroundings, and read the street sign at the nearest intersection.  When the driver did that I realized she was miles away. 

I was VERY annoyed.  Dispatch kept saying the d…