Heather runs the gamut as she blogs on managing her bipolar disorder, coming to terms with medication, sharing her faith, her latest project, and stocking the vending machines for her husband, who's blind. "1 Corinthians 4:12-13 (New International Version)
We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world."
"You know" I told Ron "If I could take something to get rid of the depression for a while, I just might. I can see why so many of us (mentally ill) become addicted."
Ron didn't quite know what to say, except to remind me God is coming back soon and "It (mental illness) will all be over then."
I think I would get into big problems with pain pills - because, the brief time I did take them (prior to ovarian surgery), they took away mental pain as well, and stimulants, because I'm always so damn tired.
Horrid depression today, I didn't even shower. It didn't matter since I slept late (8:50 by my clock!), watched Supernatural reruns (I always seem to miss the end of this season when they kill Leviathan), and cleaned the house.
1. I had to mop up Ron's blood. It would have made a great Halloween decoration. I looked at his head, he has a little goose egg and maybe a half inch laceration. You wouldn't think it would have bled s…
I get various reactions when I share my problems - ie - Ron's drinking, blackouts, and verbal abuse.
Close family are sympathetic, and one offered to send Ron to rehab. They're praying for him.
Blog readers tend to get livid. One gives me dire warnings about Ron's short life expectancy. Thanks, I know that.
One day I had to go to work on my own, paying with my own money for a taxi. I paid myself back at work but I was pretty irate that Ron was sleeping while I busted my tail after no sleep.
So, when one of the customers asked me about Ron, I told the truth "He's still drunk". The guys (a couple of them) thought that was "so cool" and applauded.
I knew one guy was pretty judgemental, but he and I were online friends. I sent him to a good church. Imagine my shock when he showed up at the house one day saying I had to "stop exposing" Ron online, and Ron had to stop verbally abusing me because it was making me depresse…
"I only had two sips of vodka!" Ron wailed "What happened?"
I told him what happened, a night of sleep deprivation, hours of verbal abuse, and discovering a bloodied Ron (he fell out of his wheelchair and hit above an eyebrow) on the kitchen floor. I didn't shriek at him, it was more a weary retelling instead. If I get all pity party then Ron gets defensive.
Have you ever tried to wake up someone having a blackout so you can go to work?
Have you ever had to convince the disabled blind man that the "broken wheelchair" is, in fact, a furniture chair? I finally pushed the wheelchair up to the chair and said "Try this one instead" - leaving him alone, and he did.
Have you ever had to change someone out of a filthy and bloody t-shirt? I had help for that one, thank God. Not to mention cleaning the blood off his face.
It was an awful night, a worse morning, and a long day. I also discovered, to my regret, a breakfast burrito does n…
My current popular post is me, cleaning a toilet. I narrate it in great detail. It's getting lots of hits.
Hits are down, I think it's because I'm well medicated, groggy, and depressed. Now if I were manic and raving, I'd get a ton of hits.
I remember one post got tremendous activity. A supermorbidly obese woman in an electric scooter broke the wheelchair lift on the van, had a tantrum, blamed the transit company, and then tried to trip Ron when we got off the vehicle. I was most angry about the last, of course.
Anyway it was controversial (I think because I made a comment about Medicaid paying for lap bands - which I have seen work).
Lately, I've just been "raving" about wanting my sleep. Not as exciting.
My new microphone came in. Better audio but you'll still have to turn it up.
Saturday, Sam Houston Racepark ("the horses" as they say in Houston) begins a 2-day festival. "Something Wicked". It involves club mix music, a DJ, lots of alcohol. It's called a rave. It is so loud Saturday night I can hear the music in my bedroom, three and a half miles away, with a fan and a noise machine running simultaneously.
Ron and I go hunting for the music. It appears to be coming from the Fed Ex, half a mile away. I shake my fist at the Fed Ex and say some VERY rude things. I demand Ron "stop it" because he's the man and it's his job to fix these things.
[snicker] Poor Ron. I was a little cranky.
Ron calls the county police (we live in the county). They tell him it's the Racetrack. Sorry, it will be over in about an hour.
NOT HAPPY, we go home and endure the music. Ron had already cancelled church because the trips would have been hideous.
I think the letter explains the whole thing quite nicely: Dear Mr (County Commissioner),
Normally I always vote for the incumbent. Up until tonight, I would have said you were doing a very good job.
have severe disabilities, yet I still work, getting up at 4 am most
days to run my own business. My husband has even more physical
problems. He works with me.
reiterate. We get up at 4 AM most days. Being self employed, we have
to work weekends, especially during the busy holiday season.
I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with you.
found out YOU approved the music festival tonight, the one that is
keeping me up - I got up at 4 AM today. I have severe mental illness
and brain damage - and I cannot sleep because YOUR festival has loud
bass notes all over my home. In my bed, with the noisemaker on. In the
front room, and in my computer room.
I live THREE AND A HALF MILES from the race park, sir! I can only imagine the poor folk near the race …
Readership is dropping, but since I'm noncommercial it doesn't matter.
Woke up, depressed. Did my shower, God Time later. We went to the warehouse.
I got a cartload of drinks, and a few snacks. Snacks have been pretty slow lately. I had to stock some snickers today but that was about it.
Everything just felt so hard. That's the thing I hate most about walking around depressed.
But, God forbid, if I had accepted disability (payments), I wouldn't "have" to work. I'd be a wreck. I doubt I would shower for days.
I chose not to file for disability when I was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and 15 years later when I was diagnosed bipolar. One, Ron supports me. I've always felt those in true need should take disability payments - those completely unable to support themselves, in danger of becoming homeless. That's my perspective. I'm not going to tell you what to do even if I had the right. Two, there's only so much money …
I feel like I've been stuck in unending depression for a while.
I know that's not true, I've gotten manic, a day last week, a few days a few weeks before that... but depression kind of eats it all.
I believe in the rapture. I believe the rapture is imminent, which, from a very selfish standpoint, means the End of Depression is imminent. I yearn for that day.
In the meantime, God doesn't want me hiding. I know that.
I keep encountering people who are basically telling me I need to start handing out the candy with scripture booklets, again. It's just hard to start.
Ron and I were talking last night. First, he ordered me 2 pizzas. He wasn't hungry and has issues with pizza. So he had me order 2.
I guess I have breakfast and dinner for a while!
You know, I told Ron - now that things are a little better - up to low income from poverty, I don't see me taking a lot of indulgences. But I might just take a cab one way to the Dollar Store tomorrow.
Not a big amount, but when Ron found a "debit transaction" for the above amount he went on alert. He never uses the business debit card. Ever. He keeps it in a metal wallet.
He called the bank.
1. They said his change deposit (in quarters) was short by $10.69 so they had to do the debit. Why, Ron replied, would it have pennies? We never deposit pennies.
2. Then, another representative told Ron that "Maybe his helper" made an unauthorized debit. Ron immediately defended me. On a practical note, it is 3 buses to the bank. Hours in transit each way. For $11? Ron gave me $25 willingly, tonight, for pizza. Why would I rob him? I was pretty pissed they were throwing rocks at ME when they're the thieves.
Yes, Bank of America. Thieves. Sneaky, lying little thieves who rob a blind man in a wheelchair!
"Do you know how many candy bars I had to sell to make that money?" Ron has a good point.
I woke up at 4 AM yesterday. Pretty tired as usual. I got up late and only had time for my shower.
We went to the warehouse. I had to get a lot of snack products. I did that. I had a horrible cashier who mangled the transaction a couple of times and threw my merchandise around. I wasn't happy.
She was also getting text-to-speech voice messages on her cell phone, and kept stopping to push buttons on her touch screen so she could hear them. I doubt, I told Ron, she'll be there long.
The cashier supervisor is kind of a hard nail to begin with. she won't tolerate that. I saw the manager in the parking lot and thought about mentioning it to her, but figured the woman will hang herself.
It's ironic, because I picked the black lady over the asian because I figured she'd be "nicer". [snort]
I had to load the truck myself, not as bad as it sounds because snack items, as a rule, are very light.
I loaded it, and hopped in the truck. We talked about do…
Torbie cat likes to crawl or jump in my lap and curl up on my chest with my arms supporting her. I love our cuddles, and she does too.
I know she loves the cat treats I dole out (both girls are huge fans of any flavor Temptations cat treat). I can always use more cuddles.
However, my allergies have been horrific.
See, I'm allergic to cats. I'm not going to let that stop us, though.
I just wish dogs were as quiet as cats. The dog behind us has been going nuts today, barking and baying. Shut up!
I can only hope the owners will get sick of it (they didn't have any pets for the first couple years) and get rid of it. They do put it in the house at night, so I should be able to sleep.
I just don't see the appeal of having a pet you keep in the yard, and one that makes a lot of racket to boot. I wouldn't want a pet that disturbed the neighbors. Both my neighbors, on either side, like the cats.
I know it's probably just some stray dogs sniffing around,…
I desperately wanted to go to bed early, but the neighbors had a guest over, with kids, and they all played out back by my bedroom until well after 7 PM.
Kids are going to do that, and they were pretty quiet, but there's no way I could have slept.
If I could go back in time (assuming I had a bigger budget and I could drive), I would get a big piece of land and a small mobile home, out in the middle of the country, with a nice tall fence. It's just a little too personal hearing people talk while I'm lying in bed.
Anyway, I got "about" 8 hours, woke up tired. I hit the snooze button a few times and figured I wouldn't have time for my God Time, but I had more time than I thought. I did it and even had a whey protein with breakfast.
Our ride was late, for work.
We barely made the sandwich delivery. Happily all machines were working and didn't need much stocking. I determined I DO need a full resupply on snacks. I did a basic stock on snacks, serviced …
Well, the party lasted until well after 10:30, when Ron called the police. He had been calling the sheriff, but I don't know if they came out. The music would go down for a little while but then right back up again after they drank another beer (I'm guessing, I didn't see them drinking).
Ron finally called our precinct. What is the difference? I couldn't tell you, but a call to the precinct seems to have better results.
However, Ron burned his bridges pretty bad with the whole Barkappotamous drama, as you may remember. He would make several angry calls a night, until they finally told him to call the sheriff instead.
We got that settled, and #2 is great now. They don't leave trash everywhere, they have a small house dog, and they're quiet.
I don't know why #6 is getting progressively more aggressive in his partying, when the kids have a birthday. I don't know why they keep having kids when he told me "It's getting crowded", and …
I meant to talk about this a while ago, but forgot.
I forget a lot, but people like having me around. I'm pretty evil, unmedicated.
One thing I hate about vending machine troubles, work issues, noisy neighbors (including the crane and steel cutting companies) - powerlesness.
I like to believe I have power over my life. I like to believe my life is going to go the way I'd like.
I don't like realizing the things I want, and take for granted, in my life, are completely subject to the whims of others.
Take work: my day starts by checking the machines. Are they working?
If they're not, can I fix it?
If I can't fix it, that's a $70 service call. Not counting parts. Our last service call was $100.
Here's another one that freaks me out: plumbing issues. Years ago, I had a demon possessed cut off valve for my toilet. I couldn't cut it off. I was in tears, desperate and frantic. It was the middle of the night.
Weekdays are great. The neighbor kids are all at school and it's quiet.
Weekends can bring anything. Today it was 3 strange cars in front of the neighbors house, yet another party in progress, and Ron and I upset they're "ruining the neighborhood".
I've got NO problem with a party. None at all. I do have a problem with very loud mexican polkas blasting from speakers set right next to my bedroom wall. Especially when it runs late at night.
At any rate, a lot of kids screaming in the yard, ball repeatedly kicked against the side of my house. The kids got the dog behind me worked up and he added a lot of barking and baying to the mix. This went on for hours after we got home.
I didn't sleep well last night. I had so been hoping for a nap.
I got up at 4, hit the snooze button a few times, and did my God Time later. (Already done)
Our pickup was a little late, but the driver was nice. I was horribly queasy from my medication (pretty unusual, thes…
Part of the whole Fetal Alcohol thing - I don't always know all the social rules.
I do know, on some level, I can only whine so much on Facebook.
Oh, I'm so freaking tired and dizzy. I ate not long ago, it's not that. I think it's the excedrin interacting with the mood stabilizers. That always makes me pretty miserable.
I am often faced with a question: which kind of feeling awful, is less desirable? Is it "better" to be dizzy and tired, or have a headache?
Is it better to want to sleep all day, or be evil?
Is it "better" to be tired and stupid? Or is it better to be depressed?
Is it better to be fat, with better mood control? Or is is preferential to be thinner, but poor control?
Yesterday I had to take a half dose of my antidepressant, in the morning. Why? Because I had to program a new vending machine, and pay sales tax. Last year I mailed the sales tax with a blank, signed, check. They had to mail it back for me to fill out the …
I slept for 12 hours last night. Apparently I needed it.
I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I decided I was very tired of my hair. I got out the Color Oops.
Now, in their defense, they say do not use on henna hair.
I had heard stories of it working, so I tried it anyway. I applied it, horrible stench, and let it sit for twice the recommended time.
I rinsed it out for half an hour, and... it's exactly the same.
That's good, and bad. It's good in that I don't have fried hair. I didn't want to destroy my healthy hair. I didn't. I made sure of it by using my deep conditioner. I will use conditioner daily for a while (I normally don't) to ensure my hair stays happy.
It's bad because I still have the red stripe. You can literally see where I stopped coloring. I find it frustrating. I remind myself, it's only a few months and it will be farther back where I can't see it in a mirror.
I'm trying very hard, not to gloat. As you know, Sunday night my neighbor had a very loud party, running late. He got to sleep in the next day, and we had to get up at 2 AM and go to work.
I mentioned the trouble I had, resisting temptation. I really wanted to make a lot of noise when I got up, and disturb him. I didn't, though.
I wanted to. Thought about it.
So you can imagine how I felt when one of the other neighbors (the red pickup at the end of the street, I think - because it was R&B and NOT Latino music) played music this morning. It wasn't loud, it wasn't bassy, but it was heard and it was 3:45 AM. I couldn't help but snicker as I heard the neighbor open his front door and stagger around before he threw something in the trash can (probably, like me, trying to locate the troublemaker while appearing to "run an errand"). He was clearly both sleep deprived and very groggy. The music lasted a while yet, not bad, but present.
It doesn't mean a thing if I'm not living it. Example?
The party next door went on until well after 10. I guess they assumed that, since it was a school holiday, everyone had Monday off and could sleep as late as they liked.
I'm sure they weren't thinking about us, having to get up at 2 AM for work. I got up at 1:45 to take my shower, and then Ron took his bath. Our ride came at 3:30. I battled tremendous urges to make noise enough to wake them up next door and let them know we were leaving. I did not. I did like Ron's "air horn" idea, but we wouldn't do that to the innocent neighbors, or even the "bad" ones.
If I'm claiming Jesus I do have to represent him. That's one thing that made me so angry last night: this guy told 2 guys from our church, he was saved, 2 years ago. He's not acting like it, having loud parties late on work nights. He also played games with the volu…