Showing posts from 2011

It doesn't have to cost a fortune.

Year in review: pretty awful!  I'll do a more extensive one tomorrow. 

Happily my biggest issue right now, other than eating the pizza I'd already bought for New Years, is how to find some field peas for my garden. 

I cannot find the seed anywhere.  I ordered it from one company - never got it.  I ordered it from another company - out of stock!  Agh! 

I love to eat them, too.  [sigh]  Ah, well, if that's the worst of it right now I'm OK. 

Tonight will be fireworks and pizza.  Ron bought plenty of firecrackers, a few whistling fountain type items, and I got a few kiddie things - like sparklers and the flaming balls that spin on the ground. 

It doesn't have to cost a fortune, to be fun. 

I had a great quote on Facebook - I had mentioned how Ron and I will try to avoid setting his hair on fire this year (the wind will often blow his hair into the lighter, as he holds lighter and firecrackers up near his ear).  One of my friends said "If he sets his hair on …

"New Post"

It's been a few days since I hit the "new post" button.  Sorry about that. 

I can trot out the old "depression" flag, and that's the majority of the issue.  Doc once told me, I am a "loss of interest" depressive.  I don't want to do anything I find fun.  I have to force myself to it. 

Heck, I was doing pretty good just to shower!  One day I went to work with pretty greasy hair.  Laundry?  Good luck with that.  So, mostly depression. 

A lot of fatigue, and headaches.  Today I had another migraine but the "headache relief formula" kept me functional enough to work and run errands. 

I've reached a conclusion: no more sugar.  It's just not worth it. 

What kind of person am I, pointing the finger at an alcoholic when I'm just as bad?   When I'm enslaved to a health-destroying, mood-killer, substance?  There are no health benefits to sugar, and I can make a pretty persuasive argument that at least Ron's red wine ha…

Depressing video blog

He'll take my adoration when I'm manic

A sing-a-long?  Oh, you poor thing.  You don't know.  I am incredibly tone deaf.  Every cat I have ever known flattens his ears back and flees when I sing. 

I'm listening to Theocracy (Gospel Metal)'s version of Christmas carols.  Ron calls it "Your devil music".  [snicker] 

I'm pretty sure I can coax Ron into making a video blog; I'll appeal to his vanity and tell him an adoring fan requested it.  [giggle]   He tends to get moody on holidays, so it'll be a good distraction. 

Boy, I have felt like crap this week.  Crappy horrible depressed mood.  We have gotten lots of rain (I think the yard has gotten about 4 inches this week), which is wonderful - but I do miss the sun.  Cold, too. 

Plus, I started cycling depressed.  UGH.  Throw in my "new" cycle and it's not a fun week.  OH, and the migraine.  [wheezing] 

I can't tell you how many crappy Christmases I have had, either sick, depressed, or both.  Good thing God made me, and un…

Whatever happened to soffit?

Oh, I'm beat. 

Something has been waking me up in the middle of the night, now and then, for a while.  I couldn't determine what though, and blamed the dog that lives behind us. 

I gradually realized something was scrabbling around in the attic at night.  It was very bad on Monday night, and woke me up.  As I lay awake in bed, a thunderstorm rolled in.  My neighbor had put a bucket right under the corner of my house, at the eaves, and I had to endure a very loud DRIP DRIP DRIP. 

I got up at 2 AM.  Got a lot done, then went to work.  Worked, came home.  Talked to Ron about the problem, worked up our nerve, and went into the attic.  Whatever it is, doesn't sleep in the attic during the day, so I can put up vent covers to keep them out.  Good.  Ron went up into the attic and changed the light bulb, and put a small radio turned to the news station.  It worked.  Nothing last night. 

When the neighbor's wife left to run an errand, I went over into the yard and found the …

Sunday Night Readers

Pretty tired tonight, but I know I get a lot of Sunday night readers.  Happily, yesterday I was fairly manic; we went to the store, went to work, stocked it all, fixed a down vending machine, etc.  Came home, I took a nap. 

Then I raked the front yard (maybe 400 square feet).  I poisoned the fire ant mound - pillow sized, in Ron's path to the mailbox - that would have been DREADFUL!  I am completely organic, except for fire ants. 

Speaking of organic, I put the leaves in the compost pile after some internal debate.  The ash tree is a "common" ash, with seed pods.  If I put the leaves in my compost I get baby ash trees coming up for months.  My pile doesn't get hot enough to destroy them, and that's OK.  They are easy enough to remove and often draw my attention to other problems. 

I am not always very observant.  While placing the leaves (I got a nice layer), I noticed some old bean pods are sprouting.  I have pole beans coming up in the compost.  That's fi…

Take your pills!

I've been seeing a lot of paranoia on Facebook, which is sad.  Someone on a message board said she was afraid to post because "Is this safe? Am I putting myself at unnecessary risk by 'voicing' my beliefs so strongly?"

I strongly suggested she get some medical help.  It is easy for me to see, in others, what I battled for so long. 

One thing I can say, I may go up, I may go down, but I'm not paranoid anymore.  I don't have delusions (one, I will share now: for months I was convinced my sister's daughter was actually mine - even though I have never given birth, she looks just like her parents, etc... yet I couldn't get it out of my head).  I don't have delusions, anymore.  I was paranoid and delusional; I know how it "feels". 

I always, always suggest they talk to a good doc and get some medication.  God knows mine has worked great. 

Which is a good thing, because I started cycling depressed again.  Boo.  Ron was actually the first…

A trip down memory lane

Oh, I'm so happy.  I found Theocracy Christmas music, for free.  Christian.  Metal.  Christmas music.  So perfect.  AAAH.  It's got me thinking about some assorted Christmases I've known. 

When I was a kid, guaranteed I WOULD get the flu around Christmas.  Every year.  It was pretty horrible.  And it would linger forever.  I always got pretty much anything I wanted, and a lot besides.  I think my favorite childhood gift (other than learning to crochet when I was 8), was a weaving loom. 

My adoptive Mom would cook the most delicious tidbits.  Little cheesecakes on a Nilla wafer.  Fudge.  Oh.  The fudge.  A huge dinner.  Special Christmas morning casserole.  Good times! 

We always had an artificial tree.  Dad would argue, every year, it was in perfectly good shape, so why buy a real tree?  So, the memory of "Dad taking the disassembled Christmas tree out of the attic, and assembling it" is another happy memory. 

I remember when I figured Santa out - and Mom beg…

The Lithium always wins

Today I found out yet another family member has bipolar disorder.  I really wonder, if you threw a dart at my family tree, would you hit a "normal?"  Doubtful. 

Well, I pray for everyine.  I also have a page in my notebook; and pray for people with mental illness (the right medication and will to use it, proper diagnosis, affordable medication, etc).  I just wish I didn't know so many who qualified. 

Don't get me wrong; I love them.  But I know it is hell, and I hate to see anyone, especially those I love, suffering the way I do.  AGH. 

Not much I can do, just pray.  Encourage them to take medication as directed, avoid alcohol, and strive for a stable routine.  However, we have at least 4 generations running around out there.  [sigh]

I am glad I'm enrolled in a genetic study for bipolar disorder.  I hope, one day, they will be able to do a DNA swab and tell a parent "Your child has ABZ Bipolar disorder.  As she starts to exhibit symptoms we'll start h…

You don't like money?

You know, I get it.  Some people find me annoying.  I understand. 

However, in this wonderful internet age, no one has to read a thing I type.  Between message board "Ignore poster" buttons, "Unfriend" or "block" on Facebook - and the simple fact that anyone can delete a bookmark, why would anyone choose to read something I wrote, if they don't like my style? 

I talk a lot, I get that.  I talk a lot about my problems; because I hope it can help other people, with, I hope, "Lesser" problems.  I talk about my problems because I want to be a source of encouragement for people with mental illness and those who love them: "Heather does all right because she takes her medication as directed".  If you don't like that, you can stop reading.  I can't force anyone to read a thing I type. 

I hope, people, would also learn from me; a 20-years-older "boyfriend" might bear a little consideration.  Drinking is bad.  Especiall…

Houston Squash

Still battling depression. 

I have to pick how to spend my energy.  Ron loves it when I cook him things; so I did that.  He was a good sport about doing the dishes.  I made him some tuna salad with hardboiled eggs, and some pinto beans.  I canned most of the pintos (and sausage). 

Today, I made some 15-bean soup, with a sprinkle of bacon.  I also put in some fava beans, and some dried pole bean seed from my garden (I picked it off the vines).  I added a lot of salt and garlic, two of my favorites.  It's extremely doubtful Ron would eat any of it, he loves his pintos. 

The weather will be nice and mild, so I put my plants outside.  Well, all of them except the pointsettia.  I watered the container plants with some saved water (from the showers we had). 

"Don't just work" Ron told me "Have some fun".  So, once I finish the dishes, and set the canning jars to cool, I plan to take a nap. 

When I was manic, I got some garden edging and marked some tentative…

Thank God for Santa hats

For the last couple days, I've been completely exhausted.  It's not a depression fatigue, I know those well; no hopelessness, despair, or pain.  Just an unrelenting desire to sleep, and some vague aches. 

If I had a sore throat or a fever, I would have called it "the flu".  If I were vomiting or otherwise, I would have called it "a virus".  As it is, only God knows.  Nothing specific enough for a doctor visit. 

I decided to treat myself as thought I were sick; what would I do?  I would get tons of rest; so I did.  I would stay warm and take it easy mentally - did that.  I would do things I enjoy - didn't really do that, but I got a lot of sleep. 

I love a red wool "safety" blanket I bought online a few years ago.  I have no idea why a $8, itchy, wool blanket makes me happy, but it does.  I put it on the bed.  The cat and I love it.  I have a huge mountain of blankets, actually.  5 if you count the quilt. 

I'm happy; I don't take ve…

Two migraines, a pointsettia, and some cheesy bread

Boy, I'm tired. 

I'm not sure if I'm fighting something off, "just" depressed, properly medicated ("fatigue" is listed on all my medication side effects), or a combination, but I'm exhausted. 

Happily, we got some rain this weekend.  Before it hit, I got some good garden time.  While this week promises to have lows in the 30's, and generally miserable daytime weather, I have a nice warm house.  I brought the lettuce planters in for a nice vacation.  I have plant lights. 

Saturday I was a pretty depressed mess. Dad always used to say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and I figured that also applied to my blog. I also had a vicious headache that wanted to be a migraine. My aunt, and my niece, both swear a cold front storm system is always "good" for a migraine.

Yesterday, before the rain, we ordered some pizza and cheesy bread from Dominoes.  When we lived in "Cracktown", Dominoe…

You're getting in the truck

I've been hearing a lot about the purported "FEMA" camps, online.  Message boards and facebook.  I thought, I'd better share my perspective. 

First, lets take a trip back in time; my early teen years.  I love reading biographies, adore them.  I really enjoy the "overcoming adversity" ones, so I've read a fair amount on WW2 survivor accounts; The Hiding Place, etc. 

Part of my illness includes delusions and some persecution issues.  I have always been convinced, on a deep and unreachable, level, that one day THEY will come to get me and put me into some kind of concentration camp.  I'd obsess about it. 

Happily, my medication pretty much got rid of it.  I mentioned this and got some odd comments about "telling the 6 million Jews to take medication".  I didn't say that.  For one, I think it is incredibly insulting to WW2 Jews, to compare them to yourself today.  They endured horrific persecution and discrimination, before being put in…

The thought of tomorrow

If you're a regular reader, you might remember a post I made a while back. 

In the post, I displayed two images.  One was a small white mouse.  Ew.  Get it away from me.   That's how a lot of people interact with depression.  It is a yucky, nasty, thing.  They are glad to see the last of it. 

For me, [pardon me while I get out the violin], my depression is far more relatable to the second image; a massive, nasty, vicious BEAST that clearly wanted to eat you for dinner.  In another post, I described my depression as "roaring in the basement".   Sometimes, managing my depression is a lot like walking past a cage containing a vicious animal. 

I got bit.  Oh, I feel like I'm crawling off to hide, bleeding profusely; in terrible pain.  Trying desperately to distract myself as I face the fact that, no, I don't have the "juice" to take a shower tonight. 

I tell myself that's OK.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't have to do it all.  I do…

Side-effected... Video Blog

Not just whining about side effects (brain fog), talking about my garden and faith, too. 

Metal Can

Huh.  The first time I tried to come over here naughty modem wouldn't let me. 

For those upset: I have to do what I feel is the right thing.  My whole "life" here on Earth is just a hiccup when you look at eternity. 

God loves me regardless of my actions, but I want those actions to be the ones He wants me to do.  I have undertaken some serious prayer, Bible study, a short soda fast, etc.  God wants me with Ron. 

I think the fact that I have supportive people, aware of the situation, helps keep Ron focused on what's important.  The other day, we had a talk about the cat.  I told him the cat loves his current life, and regardless of how we split the cat would have suffered, too.  And that's just the cat. 

Onto the rest of my life.  Last night, I noticed the messy neighbors had bagged up two huge bags full of mixed dry leaves.  The leaves were in clear bags, sitting in the driveway. 

It's amusing, I am very territorial about "my" property, and I …

Naughty the modem

My modem is acting up, and I had a hell of a time getting online today. 

Ha!  You should have seen my trying to download my new Theocracy album last night - it took forever, and I ended up praying, literally, over the download. 

So, I will come off as harried no doubt and it's because I have to burp it all out quickly before NAUGHTY the modem goes down again.  [sigh]  I am getting a new modem for Christmas, looks like.  Ron likes to buy me "things" now and then, and it drives him nuts when I say I can't think of anything. 

So, back home.  Not dead.  Ron is still drinking, but not being verbabally abusive and letting me sleep.  The neighbor's dog is barking a lot because someone dumped a pit bull in the neighborhood and the dogcatcher can't get it.  It goes sniffing around the yard, the dog barks wildly, and it wanders off, only to come back.  A little aggravating for me. 

I am rearranging the bedroom, the way I had the bed was causing some traffic issues.…
Modem dead. I'm OK.


I have been sharing some of my trials with Ron online, and it is interesting to see the perspectives.

Most people tell me to leave him, and if I were unsaved, I would, and probably do some damage on my way out. A guy I knew, who is interested, actually tried to tell me (years ago)  I could get away with killing Ron because I am mentally ill!
I found that very alarming, that he really thought I would consider that for even an instant.

God WILL rebuke Ron; I have NO doubt. The issue here is to keep my naturally hurt feelings, and wounded pride from transforming into a haughty, judgemental, spirit. That won't please God.

My job, as I see it, is to take my hurt feelings and shame to God, and to let God console me. To leave it at "Lord, rebuke him". The God who created the universe can certainly avenge my hurt feelings, anger, and indignity.

My job, as I see it, is to ask God what He wants me to do, and go to it, trusting He will give me what's required to do my job.…

The week in review

Well, one way or another I HAD to go back home. 

If I was leaving Ron, I'd have to get my stuff.  All I took was a handful of clothes and some bedding.  [It's very comforting to sleep on MY pillows (a few of them), and under the blanket I made, and I slept quite well on my aunt's floor.]

If I was going back, well, I had to go back, didn't I? 

I doubt I can narrate this properly without sounding as though I need a severe medication adjustment, looking like a complete nit masochist, or even more severely brain-damaged than I am.  A brief timeline ought to suffice:

Sunday night: All the drama, I leave the house and go grab some floor at my aunt's house.  Ron trashes my room before, and after, I leave. 

Monday: Ron is still very beligerent, unrepentant, and has decided that I am the source of everything bad in his life.  He wants a divorce.  He calls adult protective services, tries to resign the business, and doesn't go to work, leaving the other vendor to get…

Why did you leave?

You know, I'm not good with healthy boundaries in a relationship.  As I type "And I was willing to go back last night, as long as Ron could commit to:  1.  No verbal abuse and 2.  Letting me sleep." you are probably screaming in frustration and wanting to slap me. 

Well, he didn't want me home. 

Yeah, some demons in Ron's head telling him I'm so much better without him, he has to throw his life away to "get rid of me".  He is furious I voicemailed his abusive rantings to my entire family. 

It has always been my opinion, that I shouldn't say anything I wouldn't want everyone to hear.  IE - gossip.  IE - abusive comments.  "You are a piece of waste and I wish you would die" - I wouldn't say that in front of anyone - but if I did I would expect it would get around, you know? 

I wouldn't think my "victim" would just swallow it and say "Sir, yessir".  Which, unfortunately, I did for a very long time.  Ron…
As Ron stood out front, yelling "You stupid f-ing b@stard!" at the departing police officers, I realized NO neighbor in the subdivision would ever allow a child in my yard.  The loud, drunken, "prayer" (mainly profanities, about me, directed at "God"), in the backyard, the drama, the police, the shouting... yeah.  No kids in my yard.

So, no matter what, I don't have to worry about THAT anymore.  It was actually pretty funny.  Ron is a very proud man; remember this. 

Over a week ago, I went to the store.  I asked Ron if he wanted anything, he said no.  I got him a little bag of chips anyway, because he has a habit of changing his mind.  After I finished shopping, I offered him the chips.  He got mad "I SAID no!  I don't want them!"  I said OK.  Later on, while eating my snack, I offered them again, and he emphatically said NO. 

So,  days later, after Ron had gotten his own bag of Fritos at the grocery store, I ate the other chips.  I paid…