Saturday, November 30, 2019
Friday, November 29, 2019
Thank God the broom still works
Today was just super frustrating on a lot of levels.
Ron cancelled our ride to work today, which meant we have no money to buy inventory. His solution was to go into work, after having not stocked for days, go in ONLY to take the money out, leave, and go to the bank.
Do you know how ultimately pissed they would have been had he done that? He also made plans to do this without consulting me, which also made me angry.
I said I was happy to go in, and stock, then take the money. He said no.
I blew up at him for being irresponsible. "We'll take it out of savings" he replied.
We don't have any savings.
I said I could take it out of my personal emergency money - which I will not offer again - IF HE PAID ME BACK TOMORROW. All day he has been making excuses why he can't pay me back tomorrow so apparently this is going the route of all the other unpaid crap.
But I have a key to the vending machines and I will get my money. Next time we can just run out of inventory and he can explain that. Because, as of today, I am DONE bailing him out.
If he wants to go in on a money grab and ignore the customers and the vending machines, so be it. He is taking his job for granted and no one is EVER 100% secure. They don't owe him anything, I think he feels entitlement because one of them put him in the wheelchair. When I am calmer I will explain this to him. They don't care about that and they don't owe him a damned thing.
So I left. I saw some vultures on the way....literal vultures, stopped and took a picture for my stepmother. And I got to the street to see my bus leaving on the other side of the street. The driver MIGHT have waited if I had just run into traffic but one of us in a wheelchair is enough. So I had to wait a half hour.
Then the disabled guy gets on - there is always one, a different every time. This one was flirting with me and asking me about Ron, and I really didn't want to think about Ron. I had a very long ride to the store.
One woman behind me pulled my hair as she sat down... not sure that was an accident. I pulled it in front of me so she couldn't continue. She didn't say sorry either.
I get to Walmart, eventually, you don't want to know how long it took. I was hungry.
It was in my eating window so I got a couple of plain double cheeseburgers, add bbq. They were very good. I got some plain burgers for Cleo of course.
I got my pills. That went fine. They were out of my tampons. I had to get a store brand. I am not on my cycle yet but due any day. I had to have something. I did my shopping, that was fine.
Ron called and wanted chicken. He really didn't get it. I was still angry and he had totally forgotten. It made me realize he just doesn't get it. It's like fighting with a fence post. The post doesn't understand my motivations or care to understand me. I said fine.
I really didn't want a 2 hour ride home on the bus. I resolved to take a cab. I got some ice cream, some chicken nuggets (we did need those) and some chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce on them already. Ron is eating all things chicken nugget these days so I will feed him as much as he'll eat. I found some eggnog and whipped cream to put on top (I thought that sounded so good), etc.
I got some of the soup for cats, and some soda since I was taking a cab. I forgot to get drink mix.
I paid and called Arturo, and went to voicemail, only now understanding he had taken the day off. I called Alex and went to voicemail. I was starting to get nervous, it's Black Friday and I'm at a Walmart and GOOD LUCK getting a cab today. Here. And I had frozen foods and heavy soda.
SHIT.
CRAP
F*CK
Something told me to call Alex again, I did. He picked up and I asked if he was working today. He said yes. I asked if he would come and get me, he said yes. He said it would be a while and asked if that was OK.
I really didn't see another option so I said yes. I would rather go with a known driver than call the cab company and get who knows?
I had a long wait. I was OK with that but I did call at the end and verify he was still coming. He said yes. He appeared shortly after.
I was so worried he hadn't understood me and was across town at dinner somewhere.
We loaded the bags and he took me home. Ron was drunk, in the kitchen. I got some of the new chicken nuggets into him. I cleaned him up (the sauce coated nuggets are VERY messy) and then got him into bed.
The floor was disgusting so I asked if he was going anywhere, he said no. So I got out the vacuum and carpet cleaner. The vac did not work, basically vomited a pile of junk onto my carpet.
WELL SHIT.
I got the broom (good old broom) and swept Ron's carpet in preparation for the carpet cleaner. I prepped the carpet cleaner, more cats fled, and I plugged it and turned it on, moving it around...and it didn't work either.
I was so angry I almost threw the whole carpet cleaner across the room. I will just have to stand on that disgusting, filthy, carpet until Mr Hoarder PICKS UP ALL HIS CRAP so we can get a professional company to come out. I took both units out to the curb, the vac and the carpet cleaner.
Neither cost much but I needed them to work today and they didn't. I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on new appliances so I can clean up urinal spills. I would honestly rather strip his room, pull up the carpet,and get waterproof laminate for the same amount of money.
I shouted at Ron a little bit about his nasty, pissy, room and the disgustingness of it all. I was UNHAPPY with it.
I really expected the carpet cleaner to work at the least, but it is very old (we got it before the accident in 2003). The vac only cost about $40 and is bagless - I am with the poster who suggested a bag vac only. My next one will be.
But crappy equipment on top of everything else just did wonders for my mood. I am NOT HAPPY right now. I am feeling cheated by Ron and betrayed by my equipment, the bus company, etc.
You can bet I did take my oregano oil (immunity) and a big spoon of powdered vitamin C in my instant tea just now.
Thank God my broom still works. And the cats are good so there's that.
Ron cancelled our ride to work today, which meant we have no money to buy inventory. His solution was to go into work, after having not stocked for days, go in ONLY to take the money out, leave, and go to the bank.
Do you know how ultimately pissed they would have been had he done that? He also made plans to do this without consulting me, which also made me angry.
I said I was happy to go in, and stock, then take the money. He said no.
I blew up at him for being irresponsible. "We'll take it out of savings" he replied.
We don't have any savings.
I said I could take it out of my personal emergency money - which I will not offer again - IF HE PAID ME BACK TOMORROW. All day he has been making excuses why he can't pay me back tomorrow so apparently this is going the route of all the other unpaid crap.
But I have a key to the vending machines and I will get my money. Next time we can just run out of inventory and he can explain that. Because, as of today, I am DONE bailing him out.
If he wants to go in on a money grab and ignore the customers and the vending machines, so be it. He is taking his job for granted and no one is EVER 100% secure. They don't owe him anything, I think he feels entitlement because one of them put him in the wheelchair. When I am calmer I will explain this to him. They don't care about that and they don't owe him a damned thing.
So I left. I saw some vultures on the way....literal vultures, stopped and took a picture for my stepmother. And I got to the street to see my bus leaving on the other side of the street. The driver MIGHT have waited if I had just run into traffic but one of us in a wheelchair is enough. So I had to wait a half hour.
Then the disabled guy gets on - there is always one, a different every time. This one was flirting with me and asking me about Ron, and I really didn't want to think about Ron. I had a very long ride to the store.
One woman behind me pulled my hair as she sat down... not sure that was an accident. I pulled it in front of me so she couldn't continue. She didn't say sorry either.
I get to Walmart, eventually, you don't want to know how long it took. I was hungry.
It was in my eating window so I got a couple of plain double cheeseburgers, add bbq. They were very good. I got some plain burgers for Cleo of course.
I got my pills. That went fine. They were out of my tampons. I had to get a store brand. I am not on my cycle yet but due any day. I had to have something. I did my shopping, that was fine.
Ron called and wanted chicken. He really didn't get it. I was still angry and he had totally forgotten. It made me realize he just doesn't get it. It's like fighting with a fence post. The post doesn't understand my motivations or care to understand me. I said fine.
I really didn't want a 2 hour ride home on the bus. I resolved to take a cab. I got some ice cream, some chicken nuggets (we did need those) and some chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce on them already. Ron is eating all things chicken nugget these days so I will feed him as much as he'll eat. I found some eggnog and whipped cream to put on top (I thought that sounded so good), etc.
I got some of the soup for cats, and some soda since I was taking a cab. I forgot to get drink mix.
I paid and called Arturo, and went to voicemail, only now understanding he had taken the day off. I called Alex and went to voicemail. I was starting to get nervous, it's Black Friday and I'm at a Walmart and GOOD LUCK getting a cab today. Here. And I had frozen foods and heavy soda.
SHIT.
CRAP
F*CK
Something told me to call Alex again, I did. He picked up and I asked if he was working today. He said yes. I asked if he would come and get me, he said yes. He said it would be a while and asked if that was OK.
I really didn't see another option so I said yes. I would rather go with a known driver than call the cab company and get who knows?
I had a long wait. I was OK with that but I did call at the end and verify he was still coming. He said yes. He appeared shortly after.
I was so worried he hadn't understood me and was across town at dinner somewhere.
We loaded the bags and he took me home. Ron was drunk, in the kitchen. I got some of the new chicken nuggets into him. I cleaned him up (the sauce coated nuggets are VERY messy) and then got him into bed.
The floor was disgusting so I asked if he was going anywhere, he said no. So I got out the vacuum and carpet cleaner. The vac did not work, basically vomited a pile of junk onto my carpet.
WELL SHIT.
I got the broom (good old broom) and swept Ron's carpet in preparation for the carpet cleaner. I prepped the carpet cleaner, more cats fled, and I plugged it and turned it on, moving it around...and it didn't work either.
I was so angry I almost threw the whole carpet cleaner across the room. I will just have to stand on that disgusting, filthy, carpet until Mr Hoarder PICKS UP ALL HIS CRAP so we can get a professional company to come out. I took both units out to the curb, the vac and the carpet cleaner.
Neither cost much but I needed them to work today and they didn't. I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on new appliances so I can clean up urinal spills. I would honestly rather strip his room, pull up the carpet,and get waterproof laminate for the same amount of money.
I shouted at Ron a little bit about his nasty, pissy, room and the disgustingness of it all. I was UNHAPPY with it.
I really expected the carpet cleaner to work at the least, but it is very old (we got it before the accident in 2003). The vac only cost about $40 and is bagless - I am with the poster who suggested a bag vac only. My next one will be.
But crappy equipment on top of everything else just did wonders for my mood. I am NOT HAPPY right now. I am feeling cheated by Ron and betrayed by my equipment, the bus company, etc.
You can bet I did take my oregano oil (immunity) and a big spoon of powdered vitamin C in my instant tea just now.
Thank God my broom still works. And the cats are good so there's that.
Friday morning
The devil wants me to hate other races. I see that, and know that.
It is hard to remember at 3 AM when one of my "neighbors" is playing loud mexican polka music. Off and on at a very high volume, all night. It all sounds the same, like the same song on auto repeat for several hours.
Maybe.
At any rate it kept both Ron and I up all night so we didn't go to work this morning. That is money lost but we wouldn't have been any good.
Because someone wanted to stay up all night playing polkas. RUDE!
I never pull this shit, you can't hear my computer in the next room, much less down the block because I would NEVER do that even when Ron and I are fighting. And I am mentally ill, in an abusive marriage, caregiver burnout on top like a [censored] cupcake and I STILL don't do it.
RUDE. This time I do not think it was #6, but someone influenced by their party - 'If they can make noise all night so can I!" Possibly a renter, they tend not to have good internal codes of what is appropriate in a suburban neighborhood.
It makes a lot of sense when I realize Section 8 pays for rentals in my neighborhood, I just thought #10 had really bad luck picking tenants but it is starting to make sense now. So possibly them.
I don't know, I honestly don't care, but I do need my sleep. I HAVE to work tomorrow.
#6 ought to be quiet until Christmas eve and then quiet for months after that. Which begs the question, do I "let" them off the chain with the party going insane until 3-4 AM screaming and making racket? Or do I call the police "early and often" to shut them up? I am still debating on that.
Or we could take the credit card and rent a hotel room. There is one not horribly far from work we could use. I wouldn't feel good about leaving the cats, though, in that case.
But that is a month away so I have time.
They had an adult punch at the party yesterday and sent some home in a soda bottle for Ron. I put it in the trunk when we drove home. He liked it and it was tame enough it didn't get him wasted.
You might think I would object but he is going to drink anyway. This is only 1-2 times a year. He still has to call Arturo for the vodka on a daily basis.
I just had a good time petting Spotty, he was very cute meowing and wanting petting. It is hard to remember he was timid at first, and would flinch when I pet him. But he did very well with the "pet him while he eats" routine and is very cuddly now.
Speaking of cuddly, when I woke up around 8 this morning (after I went back to bed at 4), Cleo was in my bed, sleeping with me. She ran off when I tried to pet her but really good progress, sleeping with me, surrounded by my scent, safe, etc. I have programmed myself not to move in certain areas of the bed and she likes one of them, the bottom left corner. I got some petting once I was up and gave her some hamburger, and some more petting.
She is progressing nicely. I don't think she would do well around little kids but could absolutely live with some older adults. Like me :p I am glad I gave her a chance, she has done really well and I am very proud of her.
Which leads to memories of how the brats next door terrorized her, but the children at the party were kind, sweet, considerate human beings. They required watching but even having a good time did not make a lot of racket, compared to next door. The kids treated the ancient family dog with respect and consideration. So did the adults, the dog was valued, cherished, and respected.
That's a good family structure. Now I am sure there have been bad things. But overall so much better and I would NEVER call those kids "a brat". Because they're not. They would likely scare Cleo just being children but I venture Mama, Torbie, and Spotty would like them if treats were involved.
I need to see that because my world view can get skewed being exposed to the worst sometimes. But it is quiet now at least, the cats are happy.
Ron went to sleep when I did and did his "restless and talking loudly in his sleep" thing around 8 when I decided to get up. I did go in his room when it sounded like he called me - he was yelling "I love you" at maximum volume for a while there but still asleep, hope it was directed at me! Anyway he was in bed with his legs pressed together and Baby Girl looking frustrated.
Baby Girl prefers Ron to have his legs apart so she can lie between them. So I dragged one leg off to the side, above his mumbled protests, so she could get situated. She looked up at me, very happy, and settled in, Ron woke up a little and started petting her.
If Baby Girl wants Ron she's going to get him. My #1 job is making God happy. #2 job is making the cats happy. Speaking of some kitten mayhem in the front room.
I know at least one reader is considering adopting a cat. I would give some advice, if you'll take it.
It is hard to remember at 3 AM when one of my "neighbors" is playing loud mexican polka music. Off and on at a very high volume, all night. It all sounds the same, like the same song on auto repeat for several hours.
Maybe.
At any rate it kept both Ron and I up all night so we didn't go to work this morning. That is money lost but we wouldn't have been any good.
Because someone wanted to stay up all night playing polkas. RUDE!
I never pull this shit, you can't hear my computer in the next room, much less down the block because I would NEVER do that even when Ron and I are fighting. And I am mentally ill, in an abusive marriage, caregiver burnout on top like a [censored] cupcake and I STILL don't do it.
RUDE. This time I do not think it was #6, but someone influenced by their party - 'If they can make noise all night so can I!" Possibly a renter, they tend not to have good internal codes of what is appropriate in a suburban neighborhood.
It makes a lot of sense when I realize Section 8 pays for rentals in my neighborhood, I just thought #10 had really bad luck picking tenants but it is starting to make sense now. So possibly them.
I don't know, I honestly don't care, but I do need my sleep. I HAVE to work tomorrow.
#6 ought to be quiet until Christmas eve and then quiet for months after that. Which begs the question, do I "let" them off the chain with the party going insane until 3-4 AM screaming and making racket? Or do I call the police "early and often" to shut them up? I am still debating on that.
Or we could take the credit card and rent a hotel room. There is one not horribly far from work we could use. I wouldn't feel good about leaving the cats, though, in that case.
But that is a month away so I have time.
They had an adult punch at the party yesterday and sent some home in a soda bottle for Ron. I put it in the trunk when we drove home. He liked it and it was tame enough it didn't get him wasted.
You might think I would object but he is going to drink anyway. This is only 1-2 times a year. He still has to call Arturo for the vodka on a daily basis.
I just had a good time petting Spotty, he was very cute meowing and wanting petting. It is hard to remember he was timid at first, and would flinch when I pet him. But he did very well with the "pet him while he eats" routine and is very cuddly now.
Speaking of cuddly, when I woke up around 8 this morning (after I went back to bed at 4), Cleo was in my bed, sleeping with me. She ran off when I tried to pet her but really good progress, sleeping with me, surrounded by my scent, safe, etc. I have programmed myself not to move in certain areas of the bed and she likes one of them, the bottom left corner. I got some petting once I was up and gave her some hamburger, and some more petting.
She is progressing nicely. I don't think she would do well around little kids but could absolutely live with some older adults. Like me :p I am glad I gave her a chance, she has done really well and I am very proud of her.
Which leads to memories of how the brats next door terrorized her, but the children at the party were kind, sweet, considerate human beings. They required watching but even having a good time did not make a lot of racket, compared to next door. The kids treated the ancient family dog with respect and consideration. So did the adults, the dog was valued, cherished, and respected.
That's a good family structure. Now I am sure there have been bad things. But overall so much better and I would NEVER call those kids "a brat". Because they're not. They would likely scare Cleo just being children but I venture Mama, Torbie, and Spotty would like them if treats were involved.
I need to see that because my world view can get skewed being exposed to the worst sometimes. But it is quiet now at least, the cats are happy.
Ron went to sleep when I did and did his "restless and talking loudly in his sleep" thing around 8 when I decided to get up. I did go in his room when it sounded like he called me - he was yelling "I love you" at maximum volume for a while there but still asleep, hope it was directed at me! Anyway he was in bed with his legs pressed together and Baby Girl looking frustrated.
Baby Girl prefers Ron to have his legs apart so she can lie between them. So I dragged one leg off to the side, above his mumbled protests, so she could get situated. She looked up at me, very happy, and settled in, Ron woke up a little and started petting her.
If Baby Girl wants Ron she's going to get him. My #1 job is making God happy. #2 job is making the cats happy. Speaking of some kitten mayhem in the front room.
I know at least one reader is considering adopting a cat. I would give some advice, if you'll take it.
- Black cats have terrible adoption rates due to the "bad luck" crap.
- No one wants an older cat, as I was told at the shelter.
- An old, black, cat would be awesome.
- If you don't find a senior get 2 kittens, they will entertain each other and be great company when you are gone. They will each love you on their own, but they will have each other for play and love as well.
- The last 2 times I ended up with a kitten they came in 2-packs and it worked out very well. Very little work and two kittens are really half the work.
- It is a lot of fun to watch 2 kittens running around and playing.
That's just my take.
If I won the lotto and I could do anything I would love to foster mom cats and their kittens until the kittens are ready to adopt. I think that would be so awesome and so much fun to watch the family grow. Although I would probably keep the mom cat once the babies were grown.
So maybe not fostering. But I could make some nice donations to the shelter! We have several in Houston. I would not do the SPCA shelter because everyone gives to them and they pass on a lot of the cats they pick up, to the county shelters.
The county shelters are underfunded and overrun, I would work with them. I got Torbie from BARC and they did a very good job with her.
I have to say my guys really seem to like the Iams dry cat food. I have been feeding less wet just because they like the dry so much and the litter box indicates the food is beneficial.
They love it so much I got an extra bag for "just in case". And everyone likes it. Since it is chicken I don't have to worry as much about struvite (found in fish, and VERY bad for Biscuit) so I don't freak if he gets a bite.
Torbie has lost some weight but is a good weight, nice and trim, just a little over ideal weight. Nothing to take her to the vet over.
I will be clear: my animals will not suffer. Biscuit could be treated and had a good shot at recovery, so I gave that to him. If he continues to get blocked and the vet says it is time to end this that will happen.
If Torbie gets a terminal condition (cancer, kidneys) I will keep her comfortable as long as possible and then do the merciful thing.
Ron is very codependent with Baby Girl so I will have the unwelcome task of telling him to let her go. He did say he would want the full package (paw print, urn, etc.) when she goes. I am sure one of the other cats would assume her role as Cuddle Cat when she's gone.
Me, I'm like "I don't care what you do with them". Because I know the cat is with God and the body is just an empty envelope at that point. Of course they won't do that but a group cremation is fine in my book, and I don't need any ashes or stuff.
Ron woke up and was telling me he watched a Garth Brooks concert last night, he seemed to enjoy it. I saw Baby Girl was a little matted and I got the grooming scissors. One of the mats I got the upper part but the lower part is right next to her skin and I can't get that off without cutting her.
So, off to the vet to be groomed, probably next week, because like I said my cats will not suffer and that cannot be comfortable. She is happy laying with Ron right now, who said he is going back to sleep.
Likely I will be going to Walmart today to get my pills, I would rather get them today than Sunday, and the buses run better today. I don't think the budget is going to permit a cab ride.
Especially if I am getting Baby Girl groomed.
Thursday, November 28, 2019
Thanksgiving evening
I had a good time at my aunt's house. She wasn't feeling well but her sons and daughters in law rallied to give her a good Thanksgiving.
I had a good time.
Came home, my uncle said hello to Ron, and left. Later on Ron starts talking "I don't mean to make you feel bad..."
Next time I am going to stop him dead right there and say "Then don't say whatever it is".
Then he goes on about "(I) can't drive and how much it sucks, how great it was with some other bitch who could drive (this is the one he used to beat up)" Kept going on about how "free he used to be" and "how limited now, but I still love you (long suffering tone of voice)".
Bullshit. I save him a fortune, not driving. No car insurance, no fueling up, no oil changes, maintenance, repair, etc. I hardly ever go out, most of the time when I do it is by myself.
It's rude and hurtful. You will never catch me telling Ron all the things I wish he could do but can't because he is blind and crippled. I never bitch (to him) about having to make accommodations.
He is just playing sour grapes, wishing for the one thing he doesn't have; sort of like when I was thin "I wish you had bigger breasts and butt" I gained weight "I wish you were thin" I lose weight "I wish you had a bigger butt". I finally got wise and said - it I will be at a weight that makes me happy because he is NEVER going to be happy. Now he whines and moans about how great it used to be when we first got together (explict statement) "When your hips were so bony".
Sort of like the time I had long hair, it was a big hassle. I asked if he minded if I cut my hair. He said go for it very positive and supportive. About 2 days after I cut it "Oh, I wish it was long". Well, why didn't you say something three days ago?! Super annoying but it made me realize Ron wants what he can't have and will never be happy with what he does have.
Sort of like he was talking about this married woman he knew, he had a thing for her but she stayed faithful to her husband. How upsetting it was for him. "The one that got away".
Well, we all have disappointments.
He just complained about his headphones. I was all set to help him find a new pair when he pulled it out of the jack and it was porn. [rolleyes] Aren't we a little OLD for that?
I have a little headache but not horrible. I think I will go to bed early.
It was interesting watching my cousins' children today. The kids next door make a tremendous amount of racket when they play outside, screaming at the top of their lungs, crashing noises, throwing stuff into the side of my house, etc. like they did last night. My relatives were so quiet playing outside I had to look out the window to see them. They kept it at a very reasonable level even playing inside the house. The toddler yelled a little now and then but he doesn't really have words yet so expected.
It just confirmed you can teach your children to be reasonable and respectful at a young age and not allow them to run wild like screaming animals in the middle of the night, when you want to have a good time. We had a good family gathering and I doubt the neighbors even knew how many kids we had. And I didn't hear their neighbors, either.
My conclusion: they don't have to be full throttle just because they are kids. It does beg the question what #6 is allowing the kids to consume that makes them so wild into the wee hours of the morning. Coffee? Energy drinks? God only knows.
But I have to figure they are giving something.
I had a good time.
Came home, my uncle said hello to Ron, and left. Later on Ron starts talking "I don't mean to make you feel bad..."
Next time I am going to stop him dead right there and say "Then don't say whatever it is".
Then he goes on about "(I) can't drive and how much it sucks, how great it was with some other bitch who could drive (this is the one he used to beat up)" Kept going on about how "free he used to be" and "how limited now, but I still love you (long suffering tone of voice)".
Bullshit. I save him a fortune, not driving. No car insurance, no fueling up, no oil changes, maintenance, repair, etc. I hardly ever go out, most of the time when I do it is by myself.
It's rude and hurtful. You will never catch me telling Ron all the things I wish he could do but can't because he is blind and crippled. I never bitch (to him) about having to make accommodations.
He is just playing sour grapes, wishing for the one thing he doesn't have; sort of like when I was thin "I wish you had bigger breasts and butt" I gained weight "I wish you were thin" I lose weight "I wish you had a bigger butt". I finally got wise and said - it I will be at a weight that makes me happy because he is NEVER going to be happy. Now he whines and moans about how great it used to be when we first got together (explict statement) "When your hips were so bony".
Sort of like the time I had long hair, it was a big hassle. I asked if he minded if I cut my hair. He said go for it very positive and supportive. About 2 days after I cut it "Oh, I wish it was long". Well, why didn't you say something three days ago?! Super annoying but it made me realize Ron wants what he can't have and will never be happy with what he does have.
Sort of like he was talking about this married woman he knew, he had a thing for her but she stayed faithful to her husband. How upsetting it was for him. "The one that got away".
Well, we all have disappointments.
He just complained about his headphones. I was all set to help him find a new pair when he pulled it out of the jack and it was porn. [rolleyes] Aren't we a little OLD for that?
I have a little headache but not horrible. I think I will go to bed early.
It was interesting watching my cousins' children today. The kids next door make a tremendous amount of racket when they play outside, screaming at the top of their lungs, crashing noises, throwing stuff into the side of my house, etc. like they did last night. My relatives were so quiet playing outside I had to look out the window to see them. They kept it at a very reasonable level even playing inside the house. The toddler yelled a little now and then but he doesn't really have words yet so expected.
It just confirmed you can teach your children to be reasonable and respectful at a young age and not allow them to run wild like screaming animals in the middle of the night, when you want to have a good time. We had a good family gathering and I doubt the neighbors even knew how many kids we had. And I didn't hear their neighbors, either.
My conclusion: they don't have to be full throttle just because they are kids. It does beg the question what #6 is allowing the kids to consume that makes them so wild into the wee hours of the morning. Coffee? Energy drinks? God only knows.
But I have to figure they are giving something.
Some thoughts
I am thinking about changing my diet a little bit and eating less meat. I'd still get plenty of protein but just less meat.
To be honest, I would probably do it for the same reason I tried to go vegan in junior high, empathy for food animal reasons. I do love my hamburgers and I don't see that changing but I have plenty of lentils around here. Lentils with a little bit of sausage is a lot better than a whole meal of sausage - this is just what I'm thinking right now.
I am not committing to anything just yet but toying with the idea. I don't have an issue with cheese or eggs so I could certainly open up a can of beans for dinner, with some cheese, even depressed.
Just thinking about it.
To be honest, I would probably do it for the same reason I tried to go vegan in junior high, empathy for food animal reasons. I do love my hamburgers and I don't see that changing but I have plenty of lentils around here. Lentils with a little bit of sausage is a lot better than a whole meal of sausage - this is just what I'm thinking right now.
I am not committing to anything just yet but toying with the idea. I don't have an issue with cheese or eggs so I could certainly open up a can of beans for dinner, with some cheese, even depressed.
Just thinking about it.
Thanksgiving morning
Well, the revelries kept us both up pretty late, but Ron was unable to sleep after they all went home. So he stayed up all night... and he's awake. And he's not.
Anyway, the party flipped Ron into insomnia and he didn't sleep all night. He was pretty upset by it. I was just glad the cats were locked up and couldn't be abused. He did not sleep until about 8 AM today.
I woke up around 6 but stayed in bed for a couple of hours in a vain attempt to regain my sleep. I got up, fed the cats. I got on the computer for a while and then took a shower.
That took a while. I worry I will smell funny because I used the myrrh soap with my green apple shampoo and conditioner. Ew. But it's done and I just didn't think about it in the shower, my hair was greasy enough to need the shampoo and I am working on this bar of soap.
I have half a dozen half empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the tub, that's how I do it, I'm just not faithful to one bath product. One day it is green apple, the next rose, the day after Keratin. I am happy that way BUT I do not do that with soap because it is a hassle. So I am using the myrrh soap for now. I did mention I always like a nice bar of soap for Christmas so hopefully I will get something fun in a month.
It started when I was a teen, I started getting acne around age 11 and that is when Santa started bringing me a bar of acne soap every year in my stocking. Interestingly enough, the timeline indicates the antidepressant and the acne ran together and the acne really improved when they took me off it.
That was an SSRI. I take an SNRI now. And I should probably go do that. I did that and checked Ron's room; much better, and he is sleeping with Baby Girl.
I think I can actually get the carpet presentable again. I have hopes. Today I'm busy, and he's asleep anyway; tomorrow and Saturday we have to work.
Sunday I will go to Walmart and get ny antipsychotic. That will probably take a chunk out of the day. But I'll get to it.
My aunt just confirmed I am going over there today. 10 cousins apparently. Ron could have told them the story of the time he ran into a drug sniffing police dog after his marijuana purchase, years ago. It is a very funny story.
"That's a DOPE sniffing dog, you don't have any dope, do you, son?"
"NOSIRR I do not!"
Biscuit has just been COMPLETELY AWESOME. I have to ask long term readers, did I talk as much about Biscuit a year ago? I am truly curious because it seems his illness, and my willingness to treat it, have created an unshakable bond between us. He sleeps with me, waits in the bathroom during my shower, lays by my chair when I'm on the computer; just utterly devoted and just the sweetest boy ever. He even gets in my lap when I'm watching TV.
He is worth all of the worry and stress, every penny and five times what I've spent on him, for that. I am really happy he is only 5 as I should have many good years with him yet. This is a really good link on the subject: he has the stones. http://www.lapoflove.com/diseases/feline/FLUTD_in_cats.pdf and had a blockage. And he is eating his dry like a good boy.
I saved a can of wet prescription formula for him for today. He can have that with his dry.
I left the door to the garage open the last couple days, Mama and the kittens like to hang out there. The weather has been pretty mild so I feel OK with that. Baby Girl is (as usual) glued to Ron in the bed. Those two are the original love story.
I really didn't want her when we found her, but Ron was smitten. Bubba was OK with her so I said she could stay. I admit I was a little grabby with her when I got manic (not well managed, back then) so that sort of sealed it for her; she was Ron's cat. She is utterly devoted to him.
She cried all over the house looking for him the times he was in the hospital, I had to bring back his dirty clothes for her to scent and realize he was OK and coming back. Then she gave him the silent treatment when he did come back, it was pretty funny to watch her walking away from his extended hand and pleading. They have a whole relationship.
Ron woke up and wanted chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce. OK, you want chicken nuggets you get them. I do need to buy more nuggets, and, as I told Ron, I will not be getting the ones with vegetables. For one, the vegetables are garbanzo beans and cauliflower, not what I would consider high value foods. Well, that's the main reason. Those are just not high value foods.
So he can trust that the nugget is 100% pink slime? They call it? I won't tell him that. It is easy enough to prepare some nuggets in the microwave. The BBQ sauce has tomatoes in it so not a total nutritional waste.
I need to do some cleaning, litter boxes and such. Spotty's urine is pretty pungent with him being an intact (almost adult) male so I need to get rid of that.
I was watching Biscuit in the litter box and he had plenty of room to turn around, the 24" box is the way to go, for my guys. Yes, they take up more room but they live here too. I would rather trip over a box in every room than have the cats uncomfortable, and that is all I'll say.
I had better go, those 7 boxes will not clean themselves.
Edit: took out all trash and recycles, cleaned boxes & took out, sprayed "festive pine" air freshener.
Anyway, the party flipped Ron into insomnia and he didn't sleep all night. He was pretty upset by it. I was just glad the cats were locked up and couldn't be abused. He did not sleep until about 8 AM today.
I woke up around 6 but stayed in bed for a couple of hours in a vain attempt to regain my sleep. I got up, fed the cats. I got on the computer for a while and then took a shower.
That took a while. I worry I will smell funny because I used the myrrh soap with my green apple shampoo and conditioner. Ew. But it's done and I just didn't think about it in the shower, my hair was greasy enough to need the shampoo and I am working on this bar of soap.
I have half a dozen half empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the tub, that's how I do it, I'm just not faithful to one bath product. One day it is green apple, the next rose, the day after Keratin. I am happy that way BUT I do not do that with soap because it is a hassle. So I am using the myrrh soap for now. I did mention I always like a nice bar of soap for Christmas so hopefully I will get something fun in a month.
It started when I was a teen, I started getting acne around age 11 and that is when Santa started bringing me a bar of acne soap every year in my stocking. Interestingly enough, the timeline indicates the antidepressant and the acne ran together and the acne really improved when they took me off it.
That was an SSRI. I take an SNRI now. And I should probably go do that. I did that and checked Ron's room; much better, and he is sleeping with Baby Girl.
I think I can actually get the carpet presentable again. I have hopes. Today I'm busy, and he's asleep anyway; tomorrow and Saturday we have to work.
Sunday I will go to Walmart and get ny antipsychotic. That will probably take a chunk out of the day. But I'll get to it.
My aunt just confirmed I am going over there today. 10 cousins apparently. Ron could have told them the story of the time he ran into a drug sniffing police dog after his marijuana purchase, years ago. It is a very funny story.
"That's a DOPE sniffing dog, you don't have any dope, do you, son?"
"NOSIRR I do not!"
Biscuit has just been COMPLETELY AWESOME. I have to ask long term readers, did I talk as much about Biscuit a year ago? I am truly curious because it seems his illness, and my willingness to treat it, have created an unshakable bond between us. He sleeps with me, waits in the bathroom during my shower, lays by my chair when I'm on the computer; just utterly devoted and just the sweetest boy ever. He even gets in my lap when I'm watching TV.
He is worth all of the worry and stress, every penny and five times what I've spent on him, for that. I am really happy he is only 5 as I should have many good years with him yet. This is a really good link on the subject: he has the stones. http://www.lapoflove.com/diseases/feline/FLUTD_in_cats.pdf and had a blockage. And he is eating his dry like a good boy.
I saved a can of wet prescription formula for him for today. He can have that with his dry.
I left the door to the garage open the last couple days, Mama and the kittens like to hang out there. The weather has been pretty mild so I feel OK with that. Baby Girl is (as usual) glued to Ron in the bed. Those two are the original love story.
I really didn't want her when we found her, but Ron was smitten. Bubba was OK with her so I said she could stay. I admit I was a little grabby with her when I got manic (not well managed, back then) so that sort of sealed it for her; she was Ron's cat. She is utterly devoted to him.
She cried all over the house looking for him the times he was in the hospital, I had to bring back his dirty clothes for her to scent and realize he was OK and coming back. Then she gave him the silent treatment when he did come back, it was pretty funny to watch her walking away from his extended hand and pleading. They have a whole relationship.
Ron woke up and wanted chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce. OK, you want chicken nuggets you get them. I do need to buy more nuggets, and, as I told Ron, I will not be getting the ones with vegetables. For one, the vegetables are garbanzo beans and cauliflower, not what I would consider high value foods. Well, that's the main reason. Those are just not high value foods.
So he can trust that the nugget is 100% pink slime? They call it? I won't tell him that. It is easy enough to prepare some nuggets in the microwave. The BBQ sauce has tomatoes in it so not a total nutritional waste.
I need to do some cleaning, litter boxes and such. Spotty's urine is pretty pungent with him being an intact (almost adult) male so I need to get rid of that.
I was watching Biscuit in the litter box and he had plenty of room to turn around, the 24" box is the way to go, for my guys. Yes, they take up more room but they live here too. I would rather trip over a box in every room than have the cats uncomfortable, and that is all I'll say.
I had better go, those 7 boxes will not clean themselves.
Edit: took out all trash and recycles, cleaned boxes & took out, sprayed "festive pine" air freshener.
Well, I probably don't have to worry about Saturday now
Remember I told you the youngest next door (now 5) was born around black friday. I thought they might have a party Saturday, but they had it last night.
Very loud, very late.
I actually caught one of their guests - I was in the kitchen at the sink, looking out the window. The guest pulls into my driveway and puts it in park. And sits there. I opened up the blinds and glared at them, pointing at the sidewalk and then my house, like, Oh, no you won't! He thinks about if for a minute, very slowly and reluctantly pulls out across the street.
Each house has it's own driveway, in addition to street parking.
All the lights were on in my house. How could they think it was OK to steal my driveway? It was a big truck! What if Ron or I needed an ambulance?! HELL NO.
Had they refused to move Ron has the number for Speedy Tow and that would be the end of it. But that's just the caliber of visitor they get.
I guarantee, if we had towed the guy, #6 would have been beating down my door acting like a victim "You should have just come and found us, we'd have moved!" Just like him and all the other neighbors always said "Tell us to turn it down before you call the police". BS - they just turn it up louder and then you are labeled as the "narc".
Rude AND ignorant, I can't abide either.
Very loud, very late.
I actually caught one of their guests - I was in the kitchen at the sink, looking out the window. The guest pulls into my driveway and puts it in park. And sits there. I opened up the blinds and glared at them, pointing at the sidewalk and then my house, like, Oh, no you won't! He thinks about if for a minute, very slowly and reluctantly pulls out across the street.
Each house has it's own driveway, in addition to street parking.
All the lights were on in my house. How could they think it was OK to steal my driveway? It was a big truck! What if Ron or I needed an ambulance?! HELL NO.
Had they refused to move Ron has the number for Speedy Tow and that would be the end of it. But that's just the caliber of visitor they get.
I guarantee, if we had towed the guy, #6 would have been beating down my door acting like a victim "You should have just come and found us, we'd have moved!" Just like him and all the other neighbors always said "Tell us to turn it down before you call the police". BS - they just turn it up louder and then you are labeled as the "narc".
Rude AND ignorant, I can't abide either.
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
I thought it was funny
I wasn't dressed when I was working on Ron's hand. He keeps it warm in here so I don't need clothes, and I cover all the windows.
I had applied a little patchouli/lavender perfume a few hours back, to my collar bone. Not much just a little dab.
So I'm working on Ron's hand, I cut off the bandage, clean it with peroxide (you can say a lot about my picture but that is not infected), etc. I was using gauze for it which meant I had wrappers for the gauze, the gauze itself, etc.
Process:
Cut off old bandage, put in "trash can" (plastic cup)
Unwrap gauze, put wrapper in "can".
Moisten with peroxide and apply to wound.
Discard peroxide gauze.
Open new gauze.
Throw away wrapper
Dab wound dry.
Dispose of gauze.
Apply Neosporin.
Unwrap bandage.
Toss wrapper.
Apply bandage and done.
If we are going to work, I put a strip of first aid tape on the outside of the bandage.
Now I had a cup full of debris to be thrown away. I leaned over Ron and brushed against his head, which he shoved into my cleavage making cackling sounds.
He then screeched and began wiping at his nose, which had gotten the perfume oil.
[snort] I don't think he'll do that again.
I had applied a little patchouli/lavender perfume a few hours back, to my collar bone. Not much just a little dab.
So I'm working on Ron's hand, I cut off the bandage, clean it with peroxide (you can say a lot about my picture but that is not infected), etc. I was using gauze for it which meant I had wrappers for the gauze, the gauze itself, etc.
Process:
Cut off old bandage, put in "trash can" (plastic cup)
Unwrap gauze, put wrapper in "can".
Moisten with peroxide and apply to wound.
Discard peroxide gauze.
Open new gauze.
Throw away wrapper
Dab wound dry.
Dispose of gauze.
Apply Neosporin.
Unwrap bandage.
Toss wrapper.
Apply bandage and done.
If we are going to work, I put a strip of first aid tape on the outside of the bandage.
Now I had a cup full of debris to be thrown away. I leaned over Ron and brushed against his head, which he shoved into my cleavage making cackling sounds.
He then screeched and began wiping at his nose, which had gotten the perfume oil.
[snort] I don't think he'll do that again.
Hand update
You can imagine what it looked like a few weeks ago.
Simple Green vs. Urinal Spill
I got out the Simple Green.
I let Ron smell it because he was in bed and I would be using it next to him. He said it was fine. I cut it 1:1 to cut the smell a little and started spraying the bad part of his carpet. I realized I would need the carpet cleaner at some point but I decided to see what I could do with just the solution, a scrub brush, and a couple of old towels.
It's not dry yet but it looks better and God knows smells better in there now. There is a light fragrance from the cleanser but nothing else. Before it smelled like a downtown alleyway. I have been avoiding putting my bare foot on that area when I assist him but I might actually stand there now.
It got some bad energy out of my system so glad I did that. However, the last time I used Simple Green it was 20 years ago and Ron and I were having some very bad times. So not the best fragrance association for me.
Scent is such a peculiar thing. I doubt Ron will remember we used this, before.
I let Ron smell it because he was in bed and I would be using it next to him. He said it was fine. I cut it 1:1 to cut the smell a little and started spraying the bad part of his carpet. I realized I would need the carpet cleaner at some point but I decided to see what I could do with just the solution, a scrub brush, and a couple of old towels.
It's not dry yet but it looks better and God knows smells better in there now. There is a light fragrance from the cleanser but nothing else. Before it smelled like a downtown alleyway. I have been avoiding putting my bare foot on that area when I assist him but I might actually stand there now.
It got some bad energy out of my system so glad I did that. However, the last time I used Simple Green it was 20 years ago and Ron and I were having some very bad times. So not the best fragrance association for me.
Scent is such a peculiar thing. I doubt Ron will remember we used this, before.
Wednesday noon
I had a real live WWJD moment in my life today.
It was after 11 AM, time to eat. I asked Ron if he wanted the last breakfast bowl, he said no and went back to bed.
I had to take out what was left of my Off The Grid protein waffles, I only had 2 left. I looked at the waffles in one hand and the bowl in the other and decided that looked like a really good breakfast.
I put the waffles in the toaster (3.5 is perfect) and got the bowl started in the microwave. 30 seconds before done I sprinkled a large handful of shredded cheese all over the bowl's contents.
It is one of those egg, potato, meat, cheese bowls. They are really good and we both love them. Ron smelled it and asked if he could have it after all. I looked at the cheesiness in the bowl, then at my waffles which had just popped, and took the bowl to Ron after I did the butter and syrup on the waffles.
I made sure the bowl was cool when I took it to him, I have learned that lesson. Sorry Ron had to pay for it, even though it was his fault. His solution was to tell me "Don't feed me when I'm drunk".
He got to work on it, happily ate the whole thing. He needs his protein and that had 30 grams, that will help him heal up, have good immunity, etc. He also said his belly felt better.
He went to sleep, I threw away the bowl. In the meantime I had heated up a breakfast burrito. They are OK but not OMG so good. I am going to finish them but probably not buy them again. I ate and took my morning pills.
I will be getting more of those awesome waffles.
I decided I would lay down for a little bit but I couldn't sleep, so I went ahead and got up half an hour later. I am doing some laundry but Ron wouldn't give up his shirt. His pants did need some work, though, so those are in the wash. We will see if the blood finally came out of that button down.
I did notice I have some nicer tops hanging in the laundry room for me, some blouses and tunics. They are really cute.
I have been essentially the same size 22-24 for the last 10 years (with some exceptions) so I am sure they all fit.
Mood is not great just because of past issues mainly.
Ron woke up "freezing" (his anemia would be so much better if he would just follow the treatment plan) so I covered him with a thick blanket. I requested he NOT throw it on the floor when done. He agreed, we will see how that goes.
It was after 11 AM, time to eat. I asked Ron if he wanted the last breakfast bowl, he said no and went back to bed.
I had to take out what was left of my Off The Grid protein waffles, I only had 2 left. I looked at the waffles in one hand and the bowl in the other and decided that looked like a really good breakfast.
I put the waffles in the toaster (3.5 is perfect) and got the bowl started in the microwave. 30 seconds before done I sprinkled a large handful of shredded cheese all over the bowl's contents.
It is one of those egg, potato, meat, cheese bowls. They are really good and we both love them. Ron smelled it and asked if he could have it after all. I looked at the cheesiness in the bowl, then at my waffles which had just popped, and took the bowl to Ron after I did the butter and syrup on the waffles.
I made sure the bowl was cool when I took it to him, I have learned that lesson. Sorry Ron had to pay for it, even though it was his fault. His solution was to tell me "Don't feed me when I'm drunk".
He got to work on it, happily ate the whole thing. He needs his protein and that had 30 grams, that will help him heal up, have good immunity, etc. He also said his belly felt better.
He went to sleep, I threw away the bowl. In the meantime I had heated up a breakfast burrito. They are OK but not OMG so good. I am going to finish them but probably not buy them again. I ate and took my morning pills.
I will be getting more of those awesome waffles.
I decided I would lay down for a little bit but I couldn't sleep, so I went ahead and got up half an hour later. I am doing some laundry but Ron wouldn't give up his shirt. His pants did need some work, though, so those are in the wash. We will see if the blood finally came out of that button down.
I did notice I have some nicer tops hanging in the laundry room for me, some blouses and tunics. They are really cute.
I have been essentially the same size 22-24 for the last 10 years (with some exceptions) so I am sure they all fit.
Mood is not great just because of past issues mainly.
Ron woke up "freezing" (his anemia would be so much better if he would just follow the treatment plan) so I covered him with a thick blanket. I requested he NOT throw it on the floor when done. He agreed, we will see how that goes.
It has taken a toll
You know, I was thinking about domestic violence. One of my boards has a thread going about it.
A guy says he was wrongfully charged. I don't know, I wasn't there, but it got me thinking about red flags.
This all happened when Ron and I were dating.
He told me he didn't miss his ex because she used to "go off on him for no reason and attack him physically. She was a small woman so he would hurt her, defending himself."
And I trotted back home and told the responsible figure in my life about this, and she agreed with Ron. So I'm thinking this is normal. That sometimes a man has to physically injure a woman "sometimes" "when she "had it coming", to "defend" himself". I was also assured I would never get hurt, by this adult, because I wasn't a drinker and I wouldn't be stupid.
My Dad never laid hands on his wife, ever. So this was all new to me.
Then later on Ron tells me the ex before the last was "really stupid" and he used to hit her for "doing dumb things" but someone talked him out of it and said "A real man doesn't hit a woman". And he had learned his lesson and would never do that again. He also mentioned at one point she tried to kill him, twice. And the last ex's new lover tried to throw him off a roof after hearing how Ron treated her. How Ron had a blackout and woke up alone, and was told he had a violent blackout and viciously beaten his ex... when she left, she got a restraining order...but he called AA and they said it was "just a fugue state and it happens".
I went back home and related all this... still getting very loud green lights and checkered flags... go ahead Heather, he's a good bet. I didn't hide any of this.
For a long time I blamed myself because these are all MASSIVE red flags to domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, etc. The whole "What did she do? [to "deserve" being beat]"
Why would anyone throw me at this man, especially people who claimed to love me? My Dad didn't know about the violence issues (I never told him and I'm sure she didn't), so I don't blame him. He thought spending time with Ron would keep me from killing myself, that was the root of it all, I did do better when he was around. Back then.
But why would she do it? I can only go back to the expression on her face when she found out Ron was fixed... profound relief. Here was an adult ready to pluck me out of her house, where all the experts said I would live for the rest of my days. Even better, he was fixed so there wouldn't be any illegitimate grandbabies. If she could just get me to 18, out of her house and into his...
So she greenlighted everything I told her, and looking back I told her more than enough. Physical abuse. Binge drinking-blackouts, verbal abuse, cheating - I went to her crying one day because I found out Ron was on a hookup chat line "In case things don't work out" he said. I was crushed and wanted to dump him like a litter box. She talked me out of it, said all men were like that.
I guess that is why my Dad has never cheated in 40 years, because is like that. But she basically told me Ron was as good as I deserved and I should be happy with that.
Before I left she made me swear I would never ask for money. I didn't want it.
The cab came early, the day I moved out. She helped me load my things. But as far as Dad is concerned this all happened when she was at Bible study one day, she was completely oblivious Ron and I were still seeing each other, etc.
I was very angry about it for a very long time. But now I am just so relieved I never had a daughter to get taught all this (waves hand). Because it was wrong.
But people see what they want to see, that is what friends and family are for, to help you see with clear eyes when you are in the glow of meeting a wonderful new person. I didn't have that.
I have made my choices and I am committed to seeing this through to the end, but I am tired. It has taken a toll.
When Pete came out to visit for the first time in some years he remarked on the gray in my hair. Most of it is still brown but I have some gray streaks at the front/top.
I am just amazed I am not bald.
A guy says he was wrongfully charged. I don't know, I wasn't there, but it got me thinking about red flags.
This all happened when Ron and I were dating.
He told me he didn't miss his ex because she used to "go off on him for no reason and attack him physically. She was a small woman so he would hurt her, defending himself."
And I trotted back home and told the responsible figure in my life about this, and she agreed with Ron. So I'm thinking this is normal. That sometimes a man has to physically injure a woman "sometimes" "when she "had it coming", to "defend" himself". I was also assured I would never get hurt, by this adult, because I wasn't a drinker and I wouldn't be stupid.
My Dad never laid hands on his wife, ever. So this was all new to me.
Then later on Ron tells me the ex before the last was "really stupid" and he used to hit her for "doing dumb things" but someone talked him out of it and said "A real man doesn't hit a woman". And he had learned his lesson and would never do that again. He also mentioned at one point she tried to kill him, twice. And the last ex's new lover tried to throw him off a roof after hearing how Ron treated her. How Ron had a blackout and woke up alone, and was told he had a violent blackout and viciously beaten his ex... when she left, she got a restraining order...but he called AA and they said it was "just a fugue state and it happens".
I went back home and related all this... still getting very loud green lights and checkered flags... go ahead Heather, he's a good bet. I didn't hide any of this.
For a long time I blamed myself because these are all MASSIVE red flags to domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, etc. The whole "What did she do? [to "deserve" being beat]"
Why would anyone throw me at this man, especially people who claimed to love me? My Dad didn't know about the violence issues (I never told him and I'm sure she didn't), so I don't blame him. He thought spending time with Ron would keep me from killing myself, that was the root of it all, I did do better when he was around. Back then.
But why would she do it? I can only go back to the expression on her face when she found out Ron was fixed... profound relief. Here was an adult ready to pluck me out of her house, where all the experts said I would live for the rest of my days. Even better, he was fixed so there wouldn't be any illegitimate grandbabies. If she could just get me to 18, out of her house and into his...
So she greenlighted everything I told her, and looking back I told her more than enough. Physical abuse. Binge drinking-blackouts, verbal abuse, cheating - I went to her crying one day because I found out Ron was on a hookup chat line "In case things don't work out" he said. I was crushed and wanted to dump him like a litter box. She talked me out of it, said all men were like that.
I guess that is why my Dad has never cheated in 40 years, because is like that. But she basically told me Ron was as good as I deserved and I should be happy with that.
Before I left she made me swear I would never ask for money. I didn't want it.
The cab came early, the day I moved out. She helped me load my things. But as far as Dad is concerned this all happened when she was at Bible study one day, she was completely oblivious Ron and I were still seeing each other, etc.
I was very angry about it for a very long time. But now I am just so relieved I never had a daughter to get taught all this (waves hand). Because it was wrong.
But people see what they want to see, that is what friends and family are for, to help you see with clear eyes when you are in the glow of meeting a wonderful new person. I didn't have that.
I have made my choices and I am committed to seeing this through to the end, but I am tired. It has taken a toll.
When Pete came out to visit for the first time in some years he remarked on the gray in my hair. Most of it is still brown but I have some gray streaks at the front/top.
I am just amazed I am not bald.
Wednesday morning
I slept really well last night and didn't get up when I heard Ron moving around. I slept in as late as I could, 8:30. When I did get up I taped on some magnets, gave him some painkiller, etc. He said he was having "gas pains" but did not want any medication. I have chewable gas tablets, they are very effective. Happily I seldom need them for myself (1-2 times a year), but enough that I know they work.
No, he said, and kept saying. Are you running a fever? Nausea? No. It is in his lower right quadrant but no signs of appendix trouble. I told him to let me know if he did have an issue.
Pretty good spirits for him today, his only complaint the magnets on his leg kept sticking to the wheelchair when he moved. We talked a little, had a good time.
He is very affectionate today. The trash company came and got the recycles, I brought the can up. I spent enough time outside to appreciate it is nice and cool, but not too cold, sunny and clear. Nice fall weather for Houston. 63.
Ron of course has the heater on full blast.
I cleaned the litter boxes and the urinal, have the urinal soaking in bleach water. Mama cat let me know she prefers Iams Chicken formula to the wet food, and begged until I gave her some dry. She was really cute eating it. Then she came over and rubbed against my ankles for a while, purring. She's a good cat. Cleo is playing with a squeaky mouse.
He is saying today he will not go to my aunt's house. I will have to see what he feels like tomorrow. This is of course assuming she feels well enough to have company. If she doesn't I got some TV turkey dinners.
I got the gift for my stepmother and had it shipped to her house. That is all done. I don't care if she opens it early but I am 95% sure she will like it. I will explain more after she opens it.
Right now I am just hanging out in front of my computer, feeling lazy, making sure Biscuit does not eat the wrong food. I like to leave it out as much as I can so everyone can snack. The older girls don't like to eat when anyone else is around. Mama and the kittens make quite a mob at feeding time.
That's it for now.
No, he said, and kept saying. Are you running a fever? Nausea? No. It is in his lower right quadrant but no signs of appendix trouble. I told him to let me know if he did have an issue.
Pretty good spirits for him today, his only complaint the magnets on his leg kept sticking to the wheelchair when he moved. We talked a little, had a good time.
He is very affectionate today. The trash company came and got the recycles, I brought the can up. I spent enough time outside to appreciate it is nice and cool, but not too cold, sunny and clear. Nice fall weather for Houston. 63.
Ron of course has the heater on full blast.
I cleaned the litter boxes and the urinal, have the urinal soaking in bleach water. Mama cat let me know she prefers Iams Chicken formula to the wet food, and begged until I gave her some dry. She was really cute eating it. Then she came over and rubbed against my ankles for a while, purring. She's a good cat. Cleo is playing with a squeaky mouse.
He is saying today he will not go to my aunt's house. I will have to see what he feels like tomorrow. This is of course assuming she feels well enough to have company. If she doesn't I got some TV turkey dinners.
I got the gift for my stepmother and had it shipped to her house. That is all done. I don't care if she opens it early but I am 95% sure she will like it. I will explain more after she opens it.
Right now I am just hanging out in front of my computer, feeling lazy, making sure Biscuit does not eat the wrong food. I like to leave it out as much as I can so everyone can snack. The older girls don't like to eat when anyone else is around. Mama and the kittens make quite a mob at feeding time.
That's it for now.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Tuesday afternoon
I took a nap, and yup, woke up with a headache. I wasn't surprised, that glue was something else.
It reminded me of the solvent the artist used when he redid Ron's eyes. Ron had his eyes removed due to glaucoma when he was a child and uses prosthetics.
The old ones were having trouble and didn't look right so we had a few consultations with various professionals until they decided to authorize new eyes. I went with Ron to help pick out the color, he said I could pick any color I wanted. I went with dark green. The artist spent a lot of time painting them but the solvent! OH. Nasty migraine out of that.
I did not tell Ron his eyes gave me a migraine, but they did. Years later, there was a pervasive rumor at work.
Even now Ron is very hands on and does as much as possible at work. It is very unusual for him to sit off to the side and let me to the work (a little more lately because of the hand, and it is hard for him to work with a glove).
Anyway, there was a pervasive rumor that Ron was not really blind, he had just faked it to get into the program, that he could see and that is why he was doing so much more than the other blind vendors. First it started with whispering behind Ron's back, slandering him to our employees, again behind Ron's back, demanding the girls "Tell the truth, he can see". Baffled, they kept saying Ron is really blind. The population didn't believe it.
One day a guy wanted change for a $50 or something, Ron said "I don't make change since someone cheated me by giving me a $1 and telling me it was a $20"
"Oh, we know the truth, you can see" the guy snapped.
"Oh, yeah? Watch this!" Ron then took out a quarter and rapped it on one eye, then the other. The man screamed and fled. And the rumors stopped.
So that is about all the eyes have affected my life. He takes care of them, there is ongoing daily care they need but nothing major. The most annoying aspect is the napkin, he likes to carry a napkin to wipe his eyes, then he sticks it in his pocket and forgets it. I have had to fish a couple shredded napkins out of the wash and I am very careful about checking now.
I can tell there is something different in my mouth but no pain. I am going to be careful about eating for a while. Biscuit keeps getting in my lap for food but he has eaten and has a bowl of his dry formula on the floor. I am saving a can of his wet formula for Thanksgiving.
The headache is a little better with the pain killer but it is just going to be a rough week from what I see, a lot of cold fronts arriving which does play hell with my head.
I had a pretty good nap (aside from the headache) with Torbie and Biscuit. Baby Girl has been in Ron's room all day, with very short breaks to eat and use the litter box. She is truly devoted.
Ron said we are working Friday which is fine, I can decorate and stock at the same time. I like to decorate the machines and his wheelchairs (he has a work chair with no arms) on Black Friday. If I have a family tradition that is it, do the machines and wheelchairs on Black Friday. I have the supplies at work.
I don't do a tree at the house. I have six cats. I can only imagine the carnage. So I decorate the wheelchair and the vending machines. Ron was giving me a hard time about it one year and an employee went off on him, said it was the only "human" place in the building and he had better STFU about ending it. I stood there agape and he nodded to me "Ma'am" and walked off.
Ron has never even considered changing my routine, since.
It reminded me of the solvent the artist used when he redid Ron's eyes. Ron had his eyes removed due to glaucoma when he was a child and uses prosthetics.
The old ones were having trouble and didn't look right so we had a few consultations with various professionals until they decided to authorize new eyes. I went with Ron to help pick out the color, he said I could pick any color I wanted. I went with dark green. The artist spent a lot of time painting them but the solvent! OH. Nasty migraine out of that.
I did not tell Ron his eyes gave me a migraine, but they did. Years later, there was a pervasive rumor at work.
Even now Ron is very hands on and does as much as possible at work. It is very unusual for him to sit off to the side and let me to the work (a little more lately because of the hand, and it is hard for him to work with a glove).
Anyway, there was a pervasive rumor that Ron was not really blind, he had just faked it to get into the program, that he could see and that is why he was doing so much more than the other blind vendors. First it started with whispering behind Ron's back, slandering him to our employees, again behind Ron's back, demanding the girls "Tell the truth, he can see". Baffled, they kept saying Ron is really blind. The population didn't believe it.
One day a guy wanted change for a $50 or something, Ron said "I don't make change since someone cheated me by giving me a $1 and telling me it was a $20"
"Oh, we know the truth, you can see" the guy snapped.
"Oh, yeah? Watch this!" Ron then took out a quarter and rapped it on one eye, then the other. The man screamed and fled. And the rumors stopped.
So that is about all the eyes have affected my life. He takes care of them, there is ongoing daily care they need but nothing major. The most annoying aspect is the napkin, he likes to carry a napkin to wipe his eyes, then he sticks it in his pocket and forgets it. I have had to fish a couple shredded napkins out of the wash and I am very careful about checking now.
I can tell there is something different in my mouth but no pain. I am going to be careful about eating for a while. Biscuit keeps getting in my lap for food but he has eaten and has a bowl of his dry formula on the floor. I am saving a can of his wet formula for Thanksgiving.
The headache is a little better with the pain killer but it is just going to be a rough week from what I see, a lot of cold fronts arriving which does play hell with my head.
I had a pretty good nap (aside from the headache) with Torbie and Biscuit. Baby Girl has been in Ron's room all day, with very short breaks to eat and use the litter box. She is truly devoted.
Ron said we are working Friday which is fine, I can decorate and stock at the same time. I like to decorate the machines and his wheelchairs (he has a work chair with no arms) on Black Friday. If I have a family tradition that is it, do the machines and wheelchairs on Black Friday. I have the supplies at work.
I don't do a tree at the house. I have six cats. I can only imagine the carnage. So I decorate the wheelchair and the vending machines. Ron was giving me a hard time about it one year and an employee went off on him, said it was the only "human" place in the building and he had better STFU about ending it. I stood there agape and he nodded to me "Ma'am" and walked off.
Ron has never even considered changing my routine, since.
Tuesday morning
Yesterday was pretty exhausting.
I slept "OK" last night, not great but enough sleep, I feel. However, #6 decided they were going to do a big yard cleanup and repair work (?) yet another remodel (?) at 6 am this morning. They made a tremendous amount of racket.
Ron wasn't sleeping anyway with his back but I think he will be OK for a while. My alarm was set for 6:30. I said screw it and got up.
I did the video, fed the cats, took care of Ron, computer, shower, etc. I am waiting on Arturo who should be here any minute.
I am a little concerned next door is going to be a big party for the youngest this weekend, who is turning 5. They tend to have her birthday party on Black Friday weekend.
And I have no problem with a children's party. During the day. With sober adults. But it is a free for all adults and children, adults drunk and louder than the children, loud music, late at night. Kids throwing things at the cat cage sort of free for all. If they have a birthday party which they might. I don't know.
I do know they will likely (likely isn't a strong enough word) have a party Christmas eve with all of the bad behavior above and more, a guy on a megaphone at 3 AM (this time I am calling the police), etc. I am girding myself for that.
I might even take Ron to a motel this year. But I would worry about the house, and the cats.
Anyway, just got back from the dentist, take off the temporary, put on the permanent crown. It took some work to get the old crown. Two people, a variety of tools. Not fun. It didn't hurt but just uncomfortable with the hands in my mouth and everything.
The fixative? Glue? They used for the new crown gave me a headache. BUT it is a very nice crown and I have a good bite on it. I am waiting a while before I eat and drink just to give it a little time.
Good rides to and from, I called Arturo. I left Ron in bed with Baby Girl and came home to him in bed with Baby Girl. They are so devoted to each other. It would crush her to be separated. And him.
I am going to eat my donuts in a couple of minutes, take my AM pills if I haven't already (I have an organizer) and then take a nap and try to lick this headache.
I had this problem once with a solvent used in a small room. It created a pretty ferocious headache which led to a migraine.
WHICH is why I already took out the trash for tomorrow.
I slept "OK" last night, not great but enough sleep, I feel. However, #6 decided they were going to do a big yard cleanup and repair work (?) yet another remodel (?) at 6 am this morning. They made a tremendous amount of racket.
Ron wasn't sleeping anyway with his back but I think he will be OK for a while. My alarm was set for 6:30. I said screw it and got up.
I did the video, fed the cats, took care of Ron, computer, shower, etc. I am waiting on Arturo who should be here any minute.
I am a little concerned next door is going to be a big party for the youngest this weekend, who is turning 5. They tend to have her birthday party on Black Friday weekend.
And I have no problem with a children's party. During the day. With sober adults. But it is a free for all adults and children, adults drunk and louder than the children, loud music, late at night. Kids throwing things at the cat cage sort of free for all. If they have a birthday party which they might. I don't know.
I do know they will likely (likely isn't a strong enough word) have a party Christmas eve with all of the bad behavior above and more, a guy on a megaphone at 3 AM (this time I am calling the police), etc. I am girding myself for that.
I might even take Ron to a motel this year. But I would worry about the house, and the cats.
Anyway, just got back from the dentist, take off the temporary, put on the permanent crown. It took some work to get the old crown. Two people, a variety of tools. Not fun. It didn't hurt but just uncomfortable with the hands in my mouth and everything.
The fixative? Glue? They used for the new crown gave me a headache. BUT it is a very nice crown and I have a good bite on it. I am waiting a while before I eat and drink just to give it a little time.
Good rides to and from, I called Arturo. I left Ron in bed with Baby Girl and came home to him in bed with Baby Girl. They are so devoted to each other. It would crush her to be separated. And him.
I am going to eat my donuts in a couple of minutes, take my AM pills if I haven't already (I have an organizer) and then take a nap and try to lick this headache.
I had this problem once with a solvent used in a small room. It created a pretty ferocious headache which led to a migraine.
WHICH is why I already took out the trash for tomorrow.
The show must go on
This time, I made a video.
Orange cat is spotty.
Muted calico is Mommy.
Gray and white cat eating out of silver bowl: Biscuit.
They're the only ones wanted to be filmed.
Orange cat is spotty.
Muted calico is Mommy.
Gray and white cat eating out of silver bowl: Biscuit.
They're the only ones wanted to be filmed.
Monday, November 25, 2019
Monday
Today was long.
Ron finished his course of antibiotics. His hand looks good, I will put up a picture.
We went to work, stocked everything, met with the boss, had a pretty good review. Finished up and came home, took a nap.
Got up, had computer trouble, fixed it, made a Torbie video, got my delivery, put it away, watched some TV with Ron, talked to my aunt, got Ron fed and to bed, now going to bed early because I see the dentist tomorrow.
A long day, but I got it all done.
Ron finished his course of antibiotics. His hand looks good, I will put up a picture.
We went to work, stocked everything, met with the boss, had a pretty good review. Finished up and came home, took a nap.
Got up, had computer trouble, fixed it, made a Torbie video, got my delivery, put it away, watched some TV with Ron, talked to my aunt, got Ron fed and to bed, now going to bed early because I see the dentist tomorrow.
A long day, but I got it all done.
Something is wrong with my computer
Not sure what but I don't have time for this. Everything is tremendously slow, half the pages won't load, but says internet is OK.
Sunday, November 24, 2019
Sunday evening
I had a nice nap with Torbie and Cleo. Cleo is getting to be a lot of fun, sleeping with me, licking my leg, etc. I will probably never be able to pick her up or get her in my lap but she is still a very good little cat.
I did wake up with a headache. I took something as it was pretty bad. Ron was awake, I got one of his last antibiotics into him and helped him find something. He is always dropping things off the side of the bed. I am thinking more and more about that shelf.
I did something sort of mean. The deadline to make a trip for tomorrow is 5 PM. I asked Ron earlier to make a trip, he said he "had an alarm". I waited until 4:35 and made the trip on my computer.
I made it a one way as the boss is coming and that way we don't have to ditch her and run off. She doesn't come very often (fine with me) so that will work.
But I haven't said anything to him. I will wait until he realizes it is too late, freaks out, and then tell him I made the trip. The lesson being: make your trip when told.
Ron asked about "that horrible noise coming from the front room" and I told him it was my computer. The sound card is shot, it is an older computer so the guy will probably just say replace it. I'm perfectly willing to do that but I have to neuter Spotty first and pay back my root canal. The computer works, it even has a little sound from the mother board speaker, not very good but it will do until I can manage.
Spotty is more important right now, I didn't like watching him with Cleo. I will make it happen.
Biscuit and Cleo are getting to be good friends, it is sweet to watch.
I waited until after 5 and told Ron about the trip for tomorrow, he wasn't sorry, just matter of fact.
One thing I have been wish listing: those automatic microchip feeders. Those look pretty cool and prevent the wrong cat from eating the food. They have some where the pet has to wear a tag. My guys would never wear a tag. One time I put a harness on Baby Girl to take her for a walk, she did "the worm" and got out of it. And I had it on pretty snug.
If Ron went in a nursing home I might put Baby Girl in a harness and bring her to visit. They said I could have done that at the rehab hospital. But it might just depress him.
So, Spotty first.
Paying on my root canal all along. I can't believe I have to pay for that torture. I should get $1,000 for sitting through it. Anyway...
Fix cat cage
Computer desk for me.
New computer or fix this one (but the service call is $60 so probably just cheaper to buy a reconditioned one).
New chair for front room.
You know, it was pretty ironic, before I got all the new cats I was thinking how easy it was to save up and have a nice little cushion (I need to rebuild that too). But I will get it done.
I am glad I got the cats, and very glad I did get the root canal and new glasses this year. It is nice to know my eyes are great. I do need to get them adjusted, they need the ears bent and made tighter at the temples. Nice to have the tooth fixed and it will be interesting to chew on that side again when I get my permanent crown.
I need to figure out dinner, I only have an hour left in my IF (intermittent fasting) window. The headache is gone so I just need to figure out what looks good and will get along with my pills.
Well, I had tuna for dinner. I like it in mayo with lemon pepper. Lots of healthy fats and protein. I had a hardboiled egg with it, I buy them already cooked and peeled through Walmart. BUT couldn't find the lemon pepper. I made do. I did splash tuna oil all over myself opening the can (that's a manic thing to do, buy tuna in oil, normally I get it in water), so I took a shower after I ate.
Now I don't have to worry about a shower in the morning. Anyway, it was a good meal and my eating window has closed for the day.
8 hour intermittent fasting is definitely possible.
I did wake up with a headache. I took something as it was pretty bad. Ron was awake, I got one of his last antibiotics into him and helped him find something. He is always dropping things off the side of the bed. I am thinking more and more about that shelf.
I did something sort of mean. The deadline to make a trip for tomorrow is 5 PM. I asked Ron earlier to make a trip, he said he "had an alarm". I waited until 4:35 and made the trip on my computer.
I made it a one way as the boss is coming and that way we don't have to ditch her and run off. She doesn't come very often (fine with me) so that will work.
But I haven't said anything to him. I will wait until he realizes it is too late, freaks out, and then tell him I made the trip. The lesson being: make your trip when told.
Ron asked about "that horrible noise coming from the front room" and I told him it was my computer. The sound card is shot, it is an older computer so the guy will probably just say replace it. I'm perfectly willing to do that but I have to neuter Spotty first and pay back my root canal. The computer works, it even has a little sound from the mother board speaker, not very good but it will do until I can manage.
Spotty is more important right now, I didn't like watching him with Cleo. I will make it happen.
Biscuit and Cleo are getting to be good friends, it is sweet to watch.
I waited until after 5 and told Ron about the trip for tomorrow, he wasn't sorry, just matter of fact.
One thing I have been wish listing: those automatic microchip feeders. Those look pretty cool and prevent the wrong cat from eating the food. They have some where the pet has to wear a tag. My guys would never wear a tag. One time I put a harness on Baby Girl to take her for a walk, she did "the worm" and got out of it. And I had it on pretty snug.
If Ron went in a nursing home I might put Baby Girl in a harness and bring her to visit. They said I could have done that at the rehab hospital. But it might just depress him.
So, Spotty first.
Paying on my root canal all along. I can't believe I have to pay for that torture. I should get $1,000 for sitting through it. Anyway...
Fix cat cage
Computer desk for me.
New computer or fix this one (but the service call is $60 so probably just cheaper to buy a reconditioned one).
New chair for front room.
You know, it was pretty ironic, before I got all the new cats I was thinking how easy it was to save up and have a nice little cushion (I need to rebuild that too). But I will get it done.
I am glad I got the cats, and very glad I did get the root canal and new glasses this year. It is nice to know my eyes are great. I do need to get them adjusted, they need the ears bent and made tighter at the temples. Nice to have the tooth fixed and it will be interesting to chew on that side again when I get my permanent crown.
I need to figure out dinner, I only have an hour left in my IF (intermittent fasting) window. The headache is gone so I just need to figure out what looks good and will get along with my pills.
Well, I had tuna for dinner. I like it in mayo with lemon pepper. Lots of healthy fats and protein. I had a hardboiled egg with it, I buy them already cooked and peeled through Walmart. BUT couldn't find the lemon pepper. I made do. I did splash tuna oil all over myself opening the can (that's a manic thing to do, buy tuna in oil, normally I get it in water), so I took a shower after I ate.
Now I don't have to worry about a shower in the morning. Anyway, it was a good meal and my eating window has closed for the day.
8 hour intermittent fasting is definitely possible.
Sunday 2 PM
I did some housework and took out the recycles, I will do the litter later. I emptied all the urinals I could find (!) and cleaned them, helped Ron, etc.
I decided I can absolutely do intermittent fasting right now. A lot of fitness related things require a commitment and time investment, but I can certainly wait 'till 11 to eat. So I did that, ate some of my protein waffles "off the grid" in the frozen breakfast section at Walmart. I had a small bottle of real maple syrup and some butter. It was very good and didn't "taste healthy". It just tasted like a waffle.
I didn't make it hot enough, though, and I would do that in the future, turn up the dial for the next one. But it was very good and I would ABSOLUTELY get more of the waffles. I think there is a make it yourself version out there but I barely have the energy to heat up a cup of noodles. This is good.
Ron slept for a while, I got on the computer for a while, watched a little TV. I gave him his urinals back - he got really angry at me one day when I was soaking his urinals in bleach and he needed to pee. But he has them back and they are fresh.
I will also be rotating them too, I will drink a juice and pick an old urinal bottle to replace. Biscuit was bugging me for food, I gave him some of his diet and he wanted Iams. I said no and gave him some catnip instead. He was pretty happy with that.
Spotty was hungry so I fed him, Cleo got off my bed and ate some too, then had a nibble of hamburger. The hamburger is the snack, not the meal. :)
Torbie found the cat nip and rolled around in it, huge pupils, having a good old time. It is good to see my old bones having fun. She doesn't play much but she loves the 'nip/
I am going to have to move up Spotty's neuter. He is trying to mount Cleo and I didn't save her from abuse just to give her more. It will be a little tricky budget wise but I can do it.
And Biscuit got a couple bites of Iams while my back was turned. He is looking pretty smug. And I am going to try for a nap.
Ron didn't want a bath, I tried, so I will try later. I also need to give him his antibiotic.
I decided I can absolutely do intermittent fasting right now. A lot of fitness related things require a commitment and time investment, but I can certainly wait 'till 11 to eat. So I did that, ate some of my protein waffles "off the grid" in the frozen breakfast section at Walmart. I had a small bottle of real maple syrup and some butter. It was very good and didn't "taste healthy". It just tasted like a waffle.
I didn't make it hot enough, though, and I would do that in the future, turn up the dial for the next one. But it was very good and I would ABSOLUTELY get more of the waffles. I think there is a make it yourself version out there but I barely have the energy to heat up a cup of noodles. This is good.
Ron slept for a while, I got on the computer for a while, watched a little TV. I gave him his urinals back - he got really angry at me one day when I was soaking his urinals in bleach and he needed to pee. But he has them back and they are fresh.
I will also be rotating them too, I will drink a juice and pick an old urinal bottle to replace. Biscuit was bugging me for food, I gave him some of his diet and he wanted Iams. I said no and gave him some catnip instead. He was pretty happy with that.
Spotty was hungry so I fed him, Cleo got off my bed and ate some too, then had a nibble of hamburger. The hamburger is the snack, not the meal. :)
Torbie found the cat nip and rolled around in it, huge pupils, having a good old time. It is good to see my old bones having fun. She doesn't play much but she loves the 'nip/
I am going to have to move up Spotty's neuter. He is trying to mount Cleo and I didn't save her from abuse just to give her more. It will be a little tricky budget wise but I can do it.
And Biscuit got a couple bites of Iams while my back was turned. He is looking pretty smug. And I am going to try for a nap.
Ron didn't want a bath, I tried, so I will try later. I also need to give him his antibiotic.
Sunday morning
Ron is just having a bad day for back pain today. We are up to 3 grams of Kratom. He is lying in bed with Baby Girl eating potato sticks and listening to cartoons.
One of the cats (I didn't see it) brought him a catnip mouse, I thought that was adorable "Get well soon!". I got up around 9:30 and helped Ron, then got some Simple Green cleaning wipes and cleaned the front of the fridge.
White appliances are just a bad idea. It has been a fantastic fridge, no complaints, but it shows every little finger mark. It took me forever to find something that worked to remove them. I got most of the grime off the fridge door, ran out of energy, checked on Ron. He is at least in a good mood and has stopped yelling after the last dose. Not sure about getting the bath today, though.
I did tell Ron I think a shelf would become a cat shelf. Watching him with Baby Girl I said it is interesting, if one of the other cats dies I will go myself to put them down, I don't care what they do with the body, throw it in a ditch... but Baby Girl I will need to take him and he will want the whole package, the fancy urn, the paw print, etc. He agreed.
We won't let Baby Girl suffer when it's time. She is a good cat and won't suffer. She is about 7-8 so plenty of life yet. I need to brush her, she is still making dreadlocks. It is really odd, she is a short hair cat but just started making dreadlocks the last couple years. She utterly adores Ron and her favorite thing ever is to lie with him in bed. She's a good cat.
Not bonded to me at all but she appreciates what I do, that's enough. I have "my" other cats. Torbie loves to sleep in her house next to my pillow (the soft padded igloo), Biscuit is very cuddly in bed, Mama loves to sleep next to me when I'm on the computer, etc. I feel loved.
I do worry about Ron dying first, that would be a horrendous blow for Baby Girl. I think I am going to go brush her.
Ron did say his back was feeling better. Actually the pain comes from his back but today he is feeling it in his foot. Like the foot is being crushed, even though it is fine. The nerves are tight in the spinal column and sometimes they get angry.
I'm going to go brush BG. That went really well, unlike some other cats I've brushed she likes it, purred, and moved around so I could get both sides, then lay back down by Ron's foot. I think I will just add that to my chore roster and do that every day. I don't know if Ron is brushing her, he said he did sometimes, but she is a nice little cat and I don't mind. I would rather brush her than cut out mats.
I told Ron (who did say he was feeling better) I would like to give him a bath today. And change his bed but I didn't say that. He didn't say no outright so I find that promising.
If I go in there all dictatorial and demand it he will balk and refuse. If I go in there and suggest it might be a good idea he is generally pretty easy going about it.
He took his prescription, he took his kratom, and I applied his magnets. The magnets definitely help and are totally harmless so I'm always happy to apply them. And the tape tears easily, sticks forever, no problems. I will have to take them all off for his bath, though.
But it's early days yet so we will see.
One of the cats (I didn't see it) brought him a catnip mouse, I thought that was adorable "Get well soon!". I got up around 9:30 and helped Ron, then got some Simple Green cleaning wipes and cleaned the front of the fridge.
White appliances are just a bad idea. It has been a fantastic fridge, no complaints, but it shows every little finger mark. It took me forever to find something that worked to remove them. I got most of the grime off the fridge door, ran out of energy, checked on Ron. He is at least in a good mood and has stopped yelling after the last dose. Not sure about getting the bath today, though.
I did tell Ron I think a shelf would become a cat shelf. Watching him with Baby Girl I said it is interesting, if one of the other cats dies I will go myself to put them down, I don't care what they do with the body, throw it in a ditch... but Baby Girl I will need to take him and he will want the whole package, the fancy urn, the paw print, etc. He agreed.
We won't let Baby Girl suffer when it's time. She is a good cat and won't suffer. She is about 7-8 so plenty of life yet. I need to brush her, she is still making dreadlocks. It is really odd, she is a short hair cat but just started making dreadlocks the last couple years. She utterly adores Ron and her favorite thing ever is to lie with him in bed. She's a good cat.
Not bonded to me at all but she appreciates what I do, that's enough. I have "my" other cats. Torbie loves to sleep in her house next to my pillow (the soft padded igloo), Biscuit is very cuddly in bed, Mama loves to sleep next to me when I'm on the computer, etc. I feel loved.
I do worry about Ron dying first, that would be a horrendous blow for Baby Girl. I think I am going to go brush her.
Ron did say his back was feeling better. Actually the pain comes from his back but today he is feeling it in his foot. Like the foot is being crushed, even though it is fine. The nerves are tight in the spinal column and sometimes they get angry.
I'm going to go brush BG. That went really well, unlike some other cats I've brushed she likes it, purred, and moved around so I could get both sides, then lay back down by Ron's foot. I think I will just add that to my chore roster and do that every day. I don't know if Ron is brushing her, he said he did sometimes, but she is a nice little cat and I don't mind. I would rather brush her than cut out mats.
I told Ron (who did say he was feeling better) I would like to give him a bath today. And change his bed but I didn't say that. He didn't say no outright so I find that promising.
If I go in there all dictatorial and demand it he will balk and refuse. If I go in there and suggest it might be a good idea he is generally pretty easy going about it.
He took his prescription, he took his kratom, and I applied his magnets. The magnets definitely help and are totally harmless so I'm always happy to apply them. And the tape tears easily, sticks forever, no problems. I will have to take them all off for his bath, though.
But it's early days yet so we will see.
Very early Sunday
Ron woke me up early, 6:30.
I had given him a bottle of Kratom to keep by his bed and take when his back is acting up and I am asleep. He "lost" it (it was right next to his foot) and woke me up.
I really need to do a shelf next to his bed, on the wall above it. I am thinking to slit a pool noodle and use that as a cushion so he won't hit his head.
Anyway, I got up, gave him his antibiotic, a multi vitamin, and some Kratom as he was feeling amenable to medication. Then I applied some magnets.
Brushed my teeth, fed the cats. Seriously thinking about going back to bed.
I had given him a bottle of Kratom to keep by his bed and take when his back is acting up and I am asleep. He "lost" it (it was right next to his foot) and woke me up.
I really need to do a shelf next to his bed, on the wall above it. I am thinking to slit a pool noodle and use that as a cushion so he won't hit his head.
Anyway, I got up, gave him his antibiotic, a multi vitamin, and some Kratom as he was feeling amenable to medication. Then I applied some magnets.
Brushed my teeth, fed the cats. Seriously thinking about going back to bed.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Saturday night
I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could. And aside from an annoying "attaboy" attitude towards Ron's drinking I love the culture.
I never wear cowgirl hats, though. I remember loving it when I was little, though.
You'll notice I'm wearing glasses, I was wearing glasses as a baby. I had a really cool pediatric eye doctor, he had the most amazing playroom in his waiting room. I loved going to see him. He was a nice Jewish man and very kind. He had a puppet show and he would hold my head still and use a remote to make the puppets jump and clap, to track my eye movement. I actually went from nearly blind to better than average (with correction) vision under his care.
Then we moved and my Dad's crappy HMO did not pay for specialists, it was the regular eye doctor for me. Which is fine, I am always happy to go to the eye doctor.
Until the glaucoma exam, that's not much fun but it's a lot better than going blind like Ron did. He was born with glaucoma. I am good for a couple years, though, I just had an exam back in, what, July? I think it was July, pretty sure it was before Mama and the kittens because all my money went to them after that.
Not that I mind. Cleo was playing with the cat toy, she likes the silver vine herb. She also liked Ron's chicken nuggets. That's what he wanted for dinner.
It started with Baby Girl stealing and eating a nugget. Yes, I feed Baby Girl cat food. I even gave them some soup for cats, earlier, with a big scoop of probiotics in it. So she ate about half a nugget. Ron broke the other half up and Cleo ate some.
I looked, it is OK for cats to eat a chicken nugget RARELY. I am just glad I got 9 nuggets into Ron as he is terrible about eating protein.
I'm not great, either, but I work at it. For instance, I have a 30 gram protein shake in the fridge I will consume for dinner.
My Dad just got back home and does not want to talk today, so I'm off the hook for that. I sent them a text and they hit me back with that. Which is fine. My mood is not great.
I am really trying to be the sort of person who is unaffected by what is going on around me. Like some of Ron's care providers when he has been in a hospital setting, Ron was terrible to them and they just blew it off, didn't take it personally. I so desperately WANT to be that person. I am better on medication but I feel I am too reactive and let him dictate my moods. DON'T want that.
Yes, it would be "easier" to ditch him but I don't see that as the plan right now, for reasons I have already given.
Things I need to do: I need a new computer desk. I would like a new chair for watching TV but that is not urgent. Of course Mama and the kittens stopped hanging out under the chair when I got rid of the old one. But I almost got Spotty a couple of times and I couldn't have that. Don't regret it but the plastic chair is surprisingly OK for now. Mama cat likes to sleep in it.
But I do need a new computer desk. I was looking at Ikea. They have a lot of options but I want something EASY to assemble and it didn't look like it. I need to look at Walmart.
Yeah, Walmart has a ton.
Ron wanted a breakfast bowl in addition to his nuggets so he got pretty much a whole day of protein in one meal. He even took some vitamins.
I need to do Christmas presents. Mainly 2. My aunt and I discussed something years ago and I have a good idea what to get her. I already know what I am getting my stepmother. My Dad would love a puzzle or gift card for Starbucks. Both are easily done.
The cats are eating cat food for dinner. Well, Biscuit is eating the wrong food so I need to go stop him. He loves the Iams. If Royal Canin ever stopped making the S/O formula I would get the Iams urinary formula for him. He clearly loves what they're doing.
I never had this problem with him getting into the Meow Mix.
I decided to do a protein shake and a cup of noodles. The noodles are still very hot so I'll let them cool for a while. It is cheap sodium and I love noodles. I actually do need to get "enough" salt every day or I will get sick, the lithium makes me lose salt.
When I was toxic (from lithium) back in September I was drinking a ton of sports drinks for just that reason, I didn't want to get hypokalemic (low sodium). My mood has been fine on 3 lithium a day so I'm happy. I had never reduced my lithium dosage to that point. It was very odd taking them out of my pill organizer. Very odd. But I got them for tonight.
Ooh, I need to call the pharmacy and get my refill on the antipsychotic. I see the dentist on Tuesday to install the permanent crown and then I am done for a while.
I just walked past Cleo on the couch, she stayed there as I approached and let me pet her, closing her eyes as I did so (good body language). I am so glad I got her safe, fixed, shots, microchip. She is with her family and safe. She has a good life and enjoys it.
That is a lot better than doing a TNR on her and dumping her outside in the weather. I get it, sometimes you have to do it, but I am glad I took a chance on her, 'feral" and all. She's a good little cat.
I find it endearing how she will come up on Ron in his wheelchair, in the kitchen, and lick his hand. He knows it is her, pets her, and gives her treats. She will lick my leg as I am preparing to feed her, sometimes. It is adorable and original.
Mama cat "killed" the toy rat and called the kittens over to show them how it's done,where to bite, etc. I PITY the rodent that comes around here.
The only problem I see with the cats right now: Mama and Cleo have longish nails which sometimes catch in things. I would love to trim them but neither is up for it. The old gang would let me trim their nails if it came to it but the new guys, not so much (maybe Spotty). I am tired and going to bed early but not yet.
I'm going to go check on my noodles.
Give me Tuesday
Saturdays are always the "hard" work day, especially during the holidays. Sam's was pretty quiet and I got all our inventory. Ron was playing with his cell phone and accidentally sent Jack to voicemail, so Jack was forced to come inside looking for us. I wasn't happy with Ron over that.
Ron "was cold' and kept carrying on about it. Jack asked me later if Ron was getting sick and I had to explain he is anemic but won't do anything about it.
Ron also decided he didn't really want to do anything today, so he waited in the stockroom while I took care of the machines. It was actually easier for me that way, because he wasn't bugging me every 2 minutes or using my big cart. He did sort some change at the end of the day.
I stocked everything, even the protein shakes in the food machine. Someone came to me bitterly complaining we were out of sandwiches. I explained they are extremely perishable and we literally throw our money away if we order too many. I did have other food in there, cheese and nut trays (Sargento Balanced Breaks), protein shakes, vienna sausages. And we buy more sandwiches per machine than the other vendor.
I stocked it all. Ron had neglected to empty the change buckets which caused a backup in one machine and it is down. I can't get the change out, the repairman will have to do it. He did sort a couple hundred dollars worth of quarters which should keep them happy for a while (we put it in the bill changer).
But, for once, I was happy with the snack and food machines when I left. We came home. Ron rode in the wheelchair compartment both times we rode paratransit. It is more work for the driver but it is better than risking a fall. Ron is just really bad getting into or out of a vehicle lately.
We got home, I had a snack and took my pills. I drank some of the carrot juice. I think I told you about that, I ordered 11 ounces and they sent me 52 because they were out. I like carrot juice.
I told Ron I was going to take a nap. At this point he felt very kindly toward me and wanted to do something for me, I said just let me sleep. I laid down with Torbie. He leaned into his vodka bottle.
He woke me up making racket. I woke up to him brandishing a rolling pin (at what?!) in the kitchen surrounded by bank statements strewn all over the floor. He had gotten into the cabinet where I keep baking supplies and financial records. I asked him what he was doing. He was ugly.
We had an argument, I threw a couple of verbal rocks at him and he tried to hit me back. He said he was leaving me, I told him to go ahead, my life would be better, etc. Then I walked off. He fell asleep in his wheelchair for a while and later asked me to take him back to his bed, which I did. I didn't say anything other than ask him if he wanted me to help him into bed. He said no. He got in OK.
I'm just tired and am SERIOUSLY considering faking a migraine to get out of my weekly phone call. They want to hear "everything" but get upset when I do tell the truth. My favorite is how she is ALWAYS excusing his bad behavior as "It's all his back, poor thing". Like those people who tell you to feel flattered when your disabled person is lashing out at you "because they feel safe and know you will NEVER leave". They want the happy face with the illusion they are hearing the hard times.
I mean, imagine this conversation:
"Ron cut his hand"
"How did he do that?"
"He was drinking, went to bed, fell out and cut his hand somehow"
"Did you take him to a doctor?"
"No, he was naked, drunk, and very combative. When he sobered up he said he didn't want a doctor either so I am treating it at home".
What do you say to that? But that's how my week went. When he wasn't falling on the floor, trying to, refusing assistance, refusing to eat, etc.
Ugh. Anyway, I took a break from writing and gave the cats some of their hypernip. I am confused. The website says hypernip. The canister says Happynip. Whatever it is it sure got Biscuit and Torbie stoned. It doesn't affect Baby Girl, she is the 10% that isn't responsive. I am happy they got a good buzz. I got an ounce which translates to a huge amount if I give them a pinch at a time. I will be set for a while.
Oh, and I did give Jasmine at work some of the 'nip in a baggie. If her cat likes it I will get her a canister in my next Chewy order. I have found something about myself lately, I really enjoy spoiling other people's pets. I think it is so much fun to give them some Milk Bones, catnip, whatever, thinking about the happy bond as they enjoy it. It's a harmless hobby.
I am really trying to focus on positive things in my life, but it isn't easy. I have discovered something I find very interesting: I prefer to work weekends. The stores are always busy, public transit isn't great, impossible to get a cab, etc. Go on a Tuesday (my favorite day off), easy to go to the dentist, get a cab, Walmart is quiet, I can get my groceries delivered easily, etc. Give me Tuesday any day.
Ron "was cold' and kept carrying on about it. Jack asked me later if Ron was getting sick and I had to explain he is anemic but won't do anything about it.
Ron also decided he didn't really want to do anything today, so he waited in the stockroom while I took care of the machines. It was actually easier for me that way, because he wasn't bugging me every 2 minutes or using my big cart. He did sort some change at the end of the day.
I stocked everything, even the protein shakes in the food machine. Someone came to me bitterly complaining we were out of sandwiches. I explained they are extremely perishable and we literally throw our money away if we order too many. I did have other food in there, cheese and nut trays (Sargento Balanced Breaks), protein shakes, vienna sausages. And we buy more sandwiches per machine than the other vendor.
I stocked it all. Ron had neglected to empty the change buckets which caused a backup in one machine and it is down. I can't get the change out, the repairman will have to do it. He did sort a couple hundred dollars worth of quarters which should keep them happy for a while (we put it in the bill changer).
But, for once, I was happy with the snack and food machines when I left. We came home. Ron rode in the wheelchair compartment both times we rode paratransit. It is more work for the driver but it is better than risking a fall. Ron is just really bad getting into or out of a vehicle lately.
We got home, I had a snack and took my pills. I drank some of the carrot juice. I think I told you about that, I ordered 11 ounces and they sent me 52 because they were out. I like carrot juice.
I told Ron I was going to take a nap. At this point he felt very kindly toward me and wanted to do something for me, I said just let me sleep. I laid down with Torbie. He leaned into his vodka bottle.
He woke me up making racket. I woke up to him brandishing a rolling pin (at what?!) in the kitchen surrounded by bank statements strewn all over the floor. He had gotten into the cabinet where I keep baking supplies and financial records. I asked him what he was doing. He was ugly.
We had an argument, I threw a couple of verbal rocks at him and he tried to hit me back. He said he was leaving me, I told him to go ahead, my life would be better, etc. Then I walked off. He fell asleep in his wheelchair for a while and later asked me to take him back to his bed, which I did. I didn't say anything other than ask him if he wanted me to help him into bed. He said no. He got in OK.
I'm just tired and am SERIOUSLY considering faking a migraine to get out of my weekly phone call. They want to hear "everything" but get upset when I do tell the truth. My favorite is how she is ALWAYS excusing his bad behavior as "It's all his back, poor thing". Like those people who tell you to feel flattered when your disabled person is lashing out at you "because they feel safe and know you will NEVER leave". They want the happy face with the illusion they are hearing the hard times.
I mean, imagine this conversation:
"Ron cut his hand"
"How did he do that?"
"He was drinking, went to bed, fell out and cut his hand somehow"
"Did you take him to a doctor?"
"No, he was naked, drunk, and very combative. When he sobered up he said he didn't want a doctor either so I am treating it at home".
What do you say to that? But that's how my week went. When he wasn't falling on the floor, trying to, refusing assistance, refusing to eat, etc.
Ugh. Anyway, I took a break from writing and gave the cats some of their hypernip. I am confused. The website says hypernip. The canister says Happynip. Whatever it is it sure got Biscuit and Torbie stoned. It doesn't affect Baby Girl, she is the 10% that isn't responsive. I am happy they got a good buzz. I got an ounce which translates to a huge amount if I give them a pinch at a time. I will be set for a while.
Oh, and I did give Jasmine at work some of the 'nip in a baggie. If her cat likes it I will get her a canister in my next Chewy order. I have found something about myself lately, I really enjoy spoiling other people's pets. I think it is so much fun to give them some Milk Bones, catnip, whatever, thinking about the happy bond as they enjoy it. It's a harmless hobby.
I am really trying to focus on positive things in my life, but it isn't easy. I have discovered something I find very interesting: I prefer to work weekends. The stores are always busy, public transit isn't great, impossible to get a cab, etc. Go on a Tuesday (my favorite day off), easy to go to the dentist, get a cab, Walmart is quiet, I can get my groceries delivered easily, etc. Give me Tuesday any day.
Friday, November 22, 2019
Friday night
I've been meaning to ask this for a while, do you have a designated chore day or do you do it as you go during the week? I would be very curious to get your answers.
I made a vinegar + water solution and sprayed that on the front door (outside) got rid of the tomcat pee smell. They can probably smell I have another tom in here but Spotty has been VERY good and only uses his box. Which is good as I want to do the whole package all at once (shots, microchip, neuter) plus board him for a few days after and that will take a little budgeting.
I rounded up a load of clothes and got them in the washer. The other night I found one of Ron's button down shirts, he only has a couple left, covered in blood stains from last week. I will try to soak it and get the blood out because I like the shirt and think he looks good in it. I would also rather not have to buy new clothes if possible. I have it on a soak cycle with some stain buster and a Tide pod, in cold water. We will see.
I also have a favorite nightshirt, it is a huge flannel thing that is very comfortable and also something I could wear outside to take out the trash (it is very modest). That's a win.
I also took out the trash.
I mixed up another batch of cat food. Current proportions are 1/4 Royal Canin, 1/4 Meow Mix, 1/2 Iams. When I get to the bottom of this bin (about 9 pounds) I will go to 1/8,. 1/8, 3/4 and then I think I can go to 100% Iams. I want to take things gradually as Mama and her kids have sensitive tummies and don't like big changes in their diet.
Most of the cats I have had could eat anything, it didn't matter, but they are a little more delicate. One thing I find so sad, the average cat has a litter of 4. She only had 2. So 2-3 must have died and I find that very sad. I hope it was quick. I try not to think about it, and remind myself I didn't know her back then. I took care of her and the kittens the minute I met them (after checking on Nextdoor), giving them everything they needed to live well.
I was petting Mama Cat tonight and I told her "All you have to do is be pretty" and that comes naturally to her. She is a lot less stressed living with me. She has her babies, they are doing well. Everyone is safe, fed, and happy. They have enrichment (trees, condos, toys). A litter box in every room, changed daily. Literally all she has to do is be a pretty, sweet, cat and that comes naturally to her.
I find it very rewarding to spoil a rescue cat.
Ron is still asleep and will probably be up all night. I hope he wakes up so I can give him his antibiotic. I still have a couple of hours before I can put the clothes in the dryer.
I am finally feeling better.
I made a vinegar + water solution and sprayed that on the front door (outside) got rid of the tomcat pee smell. They can probably smell I have another tom in here but Spotty has been VERY good and only uses his box. Which is good as I want to do the whole package all at once (shots, microchip, neuter) plus board him for a few days after and that will take a little budgeting.
I rounded up a load of clothes and got them in the washer. The other night I found one of Ron's button down shirts, he only has a couple left, covered in blood stains from last week. I will try to soak it and get the blood out because I like the shirt and think he looks good in it. I would also rather not have to buy new clothes if possible. I have it on a soak cycle with some stain buster and a Tide pod, in cold water. We will see.
I also have a favorite nightshirt, it is a huge flannel thing that is very comfortable and also something I could wear outside to take out the trash (it is very modest). That's a win.
I also took out the trash.
I mixed up another batch of cat food. Current proportions are 1/4 Royal Canin, 1/4 Meow Mix, 1/2 Iams. When I get to the bottom of this bin (about 9 pounds) I will go to 1/8,. 1/8, 3/4 and then I think I can go to 100% Iams. I want to take things gradually as Mama and her kids have sensitive tummies and don't like big changes in their diet.
Most of the cats I have had could eat anything, it didn't matter, but they are a little more delicate. One thing I find so sad, the average cat has a litter of 4. She only had 2. So 2-3 must have died and I find that very sad. I hope it was quick. I try not to think about it, and remind myself I didn't know her back then. I took care of her and the kittens the minute I met them (after checking on Nextdoor), giving them everything they needed to live well.
I was petting Mama Cat tonight and I told her "All you have to do is be pretty" and that comes naturally to her. She is a lot less stressed living with me. She has her babies, they are doing well. Everyone is safe, fed, and happy. They have enrichment (trees, condos, toys). A litter box in every room, changed daily. Literally all she has to do is be a pretty, sweet, cat and that comes naturally to her.
I find it very rewarding to spoil a rescue cat.
Ron is still asleep and will probably be up all night. I hope he wakes up so I can give him his antibiotic. I still have a couple of hours before I can put the clothes in the dryer.
I am finally feeling better.
Hyper Nip
Well, I took some Gold Bali Kratom, that helped some. I was at least able to get some sleep.
I got up pretty early (even when I've been up all night with a migraine). I felt moderately crappy but fairly functional. I fed the cats and cleaned the litterboxes, took a shower.
I felt a little better, enough to run my errand. I had to go to the bank and turn $1 bills into $20's so we could spend them on inventory tomorrow. I decided to take the bus.
So I did that. The bus arrived about one minute after I got to the stop, that was ideal. It let me off pretty much in front of the bank. I went in, did my transaction. I left and walked over to a fast food place. I got a breakfast sandwich even though it was a little late, they still had it on the menu though.
I walked to the return bus stop - I am pretty confident in this area even though it is pretty grim (I had my stun gun) - called my aunt for a while (she is battling a fever). I didn't mention the bank and certainly did not mention the cash.
I got off, it was raining. I had my umbrella, though. I walked home. It wasn't bad and I felt pretty good.
I got home to find Ron's face covered in blood "Oh, sorry, scratching at my psoriasis". He looked GHASTLY, blood all over his hand and face.
Everything I have read says the liver is linked to the skin. Now, let's think about the status of his liver for a moment. No, not that bad. Probably worse. So no surprise to me his skin is so angry. I cleaned him up with some wet wipes.
He reminded me about the antibiotic, which I gave him. I gave him back his wallet. For whatever reason, the bank wants to "run" the transaction on their computer vs just exchanging the bills. They are $1 bills, not counterfeit or anything but they still track the money on the business. So I needed the business debit card to process it. He told me to keep the money as I will be paying tomorrow anyway, it made sense.
I felt OK and decided to take a nap as I didn't get any sleep. I try to repay any sleep debt as soon as possible. If I get sleep deprived I cycle and I don't want that.
By cycle I mean swing into a very intense mood of some sort.
I fell asleep OK but woke up with a very nasty, renewed, headache. Getting SICK of this. The Excedrin worked pretty well this time.
I got on the computer for a little bit. The doorbell rang, the Chewy. Remember I just bought it yesterday. And there it is, a big box on the porch. I decided to open it on the porch and put the box in the recycle, then bring my 2 items in the house. One item was a canister of "Hyper nip" sliver vine mixed with cat nip. My cats are very responsive to that mixture, the old ones in particular.
I stuck that in the pocket of my robe and picked up the 22 pound sack of cat food. By my calculations, when I am done transitioning them it should last the 5 about a month. But I am taking my time on the transition, I still have some of the old food, want to use it up, and I think Mama and company do better with gradual dietary changes.
My head was OK by that point and I could pick it up. I came in the house and put the food away, then took out the canister. Biscuit looked at me eagerly. It took some doing to get the canister open. I did. Then I sprinkled some on the floor and the 2 cat condos near my kitchen table. Biscuit went crazy, rolling around, attacking me (gently), huge pupils. Torbie also rolled around on the floor. Baby Girl doesn't seem to react to it.
I am going to take some to a nice lady at work. She has a house cat (not the one with all the outside, dying, ferals) she obviously adores. I will give her some of the happy nip, I have plenty. But I will bring the canister because we have a police force and, to the ignorant, the catnip might look like "meow"ijuana. "Here is some green herb in a little baggie for you..." get us BOTH booted out. No thanks!
Ron made the trips for tomorrow so that's done.
My pants were very baggy today so I will retire them. I like my pants a little loose but not falling off my butt. I think the root canal really limited my snacking and that, combined with the intermittent fasting, has helped me lose a little weight.
Which is good, I would like to be down to my ideal of 170-180 by the time I hit menopause. I hear it is really hard to lose weight once you hit that. I will put a protein shake in the fridge for dinner tonight. Although I did get some good protein for breakfast in the egg and sausage sandwich.
Ron has been pretty quiet today. His back must be better, he hasn't been vocalizing and seems occupied in his room. Good. I'm not up for much.
I am glad I got the Hyper Nip.
I got up pretty early (even when I've been up all night with a migraine). I felt moderately crappy but fairly functional. I fed the cats and cleaned the litterboxes, took a shower.
I felt a little better, enough to run my errand. I had to go to the bank and turn $1 bills into $20's so we could spend them on inventory tomorrow. I decided to take the bus.
So I did that. The bus arrived about one minute after I got to the stop, that was ideal. It let me off pretty much in front of the bank. I went in, did my transaction. I left and walked over to a fast food place. I got a breakfast sandwich even though it was a little late, they still had it on the menu though.
I walked to the return bus stop - I am pretty confident in this area even though it is pretty grim (I had my stun gun) - called my aunt for a while (she is battling a fever). I didn't mention the bank and certainly did not mention the cash.
I got off, it was raining. I had my umbrella, though. I walked home. It wasn't bad and I felt pretty good.
I got home to find Ron's face covered in blood "Oh, sorry, scratching at my psoriasis". He looked GHASTLY, blood all over his hand and face.
Everything I have read says the liver is linked to the skin. Now, let's think about the status of his liver for a moment. No, not that bad. Probably worse. So no surprise to me his skin is so angry. I cleaned him up with some wet wipes.
He reminded me about the antibiotic, which I gave him. I gave him back his wallet. For whatever reason, the bank wants to "run" the transaction on their computer vs just exchanging the bills. They are $1 bills, not counterfeit or anything but they still track the money on the business. So I needed the business debit card to process it. He told me to keep the money as I will be paying tomorrow anyway, it made sense.
I felt OK and decided to take a nap as I didn't get any sleep. I try to repay any sleep debt as soon as possible. If I get sleep deprived I cycle and I don't want that.
By cycle I mean swing into a very intense mood of some sort.
I fell asleep OK but woke up with a very nasty, renewed, headache. Getting SICK of this. The Excedrin worked pretty well this time.
I got on the computer for a little bit. The doorbell rang, the Chewy. Remember I just bought it yesterday. And there it is, a big box on the porch. I decided to open it on the porch and put the box in the recycle, then bring my 2 items in the house. One item was a canister of "Hyper nip" sliver vine mixed with cat nip. My cats are very responsive to that mixture, the old ones in particular.
I stuck that in the pocket of my robe and picked up the 22 pound sack of cat food. By my calculations, when I am done transitioning them it should last the 5 about a month. But I am taking my time on the transition, I still have some of the old food, want to use it up, and I think Mama and company do better with gradual dietary changes.
My head was OK by that point and I could pick it up. I came in the house and put the food away, then took out the canister. Biscuit looked at me eagerly. It took some doing to get the canister open. I did. Then I sprinkled some on the floor and the 2 cat condos near my kitchen table. Biscuit went crazy, rolling around, attacking me (gently), huge pupils. Torbie also rolled around on the floor. Baby Girl doesn't seem to react to it.
I am going to take some to a nice lady at work. She has a house cat (not the one with all the outside, dying, ferals) she obviously adores. I will give her some of the happy nip, I have plenty. But I will bring the canister because we have a police force and, to the ignorant, the catnip might look like "meow"ijuana. "Here is some green herb in a little baggie for you..." get us BOTH booted out. No thanks!
Ron made the trips for tomorrow so that's done.
My pants were very baggy today so I will retire them. I like my pants a little loose but not falling off my butt. I think the root canal really limited my snacking and that, combined with the intermittent fasting, has helped me lose a little weight.
Which is good, I would like to be down to my ideal of 170-180 by the time I hit menopause. I hear it is really hard to lose weight once you hit that. I will put a protein shake in the fridge for dinner tonight. Although I did get some good protein for breakfast in the egg and sausage sandwich.
Ron has been pretty quiet today. His back must be better, he hasn't been vocalizing and seems occupied in his room. Good. I'm not up for much.
I am glad I got the Hyper Nip.
Midnight Friday
Both Ron and I are in a lot of pain tonight. I went to bed hours ago, did not really sleep, got some NICE cuddles from Biscuit, calculated I have spent over $1,000 on Biscuit this year, figured I would spend 5 times as much on him, got up, got a drink, went back to bed, another massage from Biscuit, etc.
Lying in bed again I got up and Ron very quietly asked if I was awake. I said yes, he asked for some kratom. For whatever reason he doesn't want a bottle he just takes as needed, he wants me to give it to him. I don't care either way. I did put some next to his bed which he has probably forgotten about.
Anyway, he was very apologetic about "waking me up". I told him, I'm already up. There is no sleeping with this head. Just a horrible drilling pain in my right temple, going down to the roots of my teeth on the top jaw.
SO GLAD I did not have kids to suffer like this.
And I just gave the cats some Fancy Feast Broth for cats, with a scoop of probiotics in it. It does not smell like wet food so I can give it with the headache. I am super sensitive to smells when I have a headache. The cats love it, and it's chicken so it doesn't matter if Biscuit gets a lick.
And the house smelled so PISSY. I went on a rampage of sorts (can't really move too aggressively with this head) and rounded up all the urinals, dumped them, bleach, etc. When I feel better I will use the carpet cleaner next to Ron's bed.
I will probably get a mania out of all this - but on the plus side I have had very little nausea and no vomiting. I respect my body, if I am not hungry I do not eat. That means I didn't get my pills but I will be OK. Guaranteed if I had eaten I would have vomited anyway so still no pills.
When I feel better I am going to talk to Ron and tell him, at this point and time I am feeling most burned out re: the drinking and verbal abuse. That I am happy to do the physical end but I would like him to work on the drinking and lashing out. ALSO do some physical therapy to maintain what he does have. I am happy to help physically when he is sweet or at least neutral, but it is the verbal and the drinking that is burning me out and most likely to make me walk.
He can do what he wants with that information. And it's true. If I do have to send him away one day he can't say I didn't warn him.
I checked on him, the kratom he took is working great for his back. He is right, pretty much any red variety works on his back. Red and green do not work on my migraines, but if this headache is still around tomorrow I am going to try some white. It is supposed to be very good for pain, but can be stimulating. I would rather be manic and not have a migraine.
Oh, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am feeling a tiny bit better but I still can't sleep.
Lying in bed again I got up and Ron very quietly asked if I was awake. I said yes, he asked for some kratom. For whatever reason he doesn't want a bottle he just takes as needed, he wants me to give it to him. I don't care either way. I did put some next to his bed which he has probably forgotten about.
Anyway, he was very apologetic about "waking me up". I told him, I'm already up. There is no sleeping with this head. Just a horrible drilling pain in my right temple, going down to the roots of my teeth on the top jaw.
SO GLAD I did not have kids to suffer like this.
And I just gave the cats some Fancy Feast Broth for cats, with a scoop of probiotics in it. It does not smell like wet food so I can give it with the headache. I am super sensitive to smells when I have a headache. The cats love it, and it's chicken so it doesn't matter if Biscuit gets a lick.
And the house smelled so PISSY. I went on a rampage of sorts (can't really move too aggressively with this head) and rounded up all the urinals, dumped them, bleach, etc. When I feel better I will use the carpet cleaner next to Ron's bed.
I will probably get a mania out of all this - but on the plus side I have had very little nausea and no vomiting. I respect my body, if I am not hungry I do not eat. That means I didn't get my pills but I will be OK. Guaranteed if I had eaten I would have vomited anyway so still no pills.
When I feel better I am going to talk to Ron and tell him, at this point and time I am feeling most burned out re: the drinking and verbal abuse. That I am happy to do the physical end but I would like him to work on the drinking and lashing out. ALSO do some physical therapy to maintain what he does have. I am happy to help physically when he is sweet or at least neutral, but it is the verbal and the drinking that is burning me out and most likely to make me walk.
He can do what he wants with that information. And it's true. If I do have to send him away one day he can't say I didn't warn him.
I checked on him, the kratom he took is working great for his back. He is right, pretty much any red variety works on his back. Red and green do not work on my migraines, but if this headache is still around tomorrow I am going to try some white. It is supposed to be very good for pain, but can be stimulating. I would rather be manic and not have a migraine.
Oh, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am feeling a tiny bit better but I still can't sleep.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Lithium is king
Oooh, migraine today. Haven't had one of those in a while. This was a functional migraine, tons of caffeine and very cold sodas type of headache.
I got up, computer for a while, ran a load of laundry, ran a cleaning cycle on the washer because I was about due, and took a shower. Not bad for a VERY nasty headache.
I haven't found anything that really works except generic Excedrin. I tried Kratom, various prescriptions, etc. but nothing. I used to take triptans when I had a good policy that covered them but they interact with lithium.
And lithium is king in my intake.
I took a shower and even conditioned my hair. My hair likes to do the dry at the tips, greasy at the roots thing. I have been using volume shampoos lately because it is a little thin on top.
I got an antibiotic into Ron over his bitter protests (I will be so glad when that is done), called Arturo.
Ron had told me his pills were in, also that he did not want to go. He gave me cab fare and a decent amount of spending cash as well. Arturo came and got me.
I went to Walmart. I spent some time looking at holiday baked goods. Let's be honest, anyone who has seen my home probably does not want anything cooked in it. There, I said it. So I try to bring something baked somewhere else. Desserts are always good.
I looked around, got myself a bread pudding - I don't think my aunt's gang is into that - and got a good idea what they had. I got some candy for the dentist, I get my permanent crown Tuesday and then DONE for a while (except for #14).
I got some 2 in one Pantene volume shampoo. Apparently I am not the only woman with this problem, there are a lot of volume shampoos. I like a 2 in 1 because I am so prone to fatigue and depression.
I got some soup and sanitizer - get those clean hands even cleaner when cleaning up Ron's injuries. In that vein I also got some gauze pads because the cotton pads had some fibers in the wound. I want something that won't do that.
I went to the counter. Long term clerk on the left, new clerk on the right. The guy at the new clerk seemed to be having trouble. He left, she called me up with a heavy accent (not spanish).
I told her Ron's name and date of birth. She couldn't find it. I spelled his name out (it is not a difficult name) . Still clueless. I spelled it out even slower, letting some exasperation leak through. "It's not here".
I tersely told her THEY HAD CALLED US to tell us it was ready. I took something out of my wallet with my name on it since she seemed to have such trouble with my last name (in my history of picking things up, I have never had this difficulty). She just gaped at me and told me to go to the other clerk (I was headed there anyway).
I went over to the other clerk and had the pills in 20 seconds. I told her "She" (pointing) can't get it". The older term clerk just shook her head.
I doubt the new girl will make it to the end of the day but they should at least check and see if they can give a prescription before they put them at the register. I paid and put the pills up in my backpack.
I got a six pack of soda and looked for Jolly Rancher Green Apple drink mix, which my dentist loves, but they didn't have it. So I had to double back and get him some candy.
At some point I picked out some stuff for Thanksgiving. Then I went over to the cat section. I didn't like the nail trimmers. A couple of my cats could use a regular nail trim but the trimmer didn't look safe and easy. I don't want to take a chance of hurting the cats. I did get some generic brand mixed grill - they adore the stuff, and a packet of the soup for cats.
My guys love the soup and I like I can sneak probiotics into it. They always gobble up every little speck. (And they did, later). I got the tuna flavor - and Mama Cat is NOT sharing with Biscuit.
I completely forgot to get the big bag of Iams dry. And I was right there on the aisle. I also forgot to look at a comforter for Ron. I just don't feel well today.
I checked out. I wasn't very hungry but I did get a maple donut. Sometimes a cold drink and a sugar snack can help me with a migraine. It didn't work.
Arturo came back, surprised I had bought so little, and took me home. I went in and put the groceries away. I had bought some protein waffles and a couple breakfast bowls for Ron. I gave Ron his pills.
I got an ice pack out of the freezer and laid down for a while, Biscuit joined me and gave me a very nice massage, a cuddle, and some purring. If I had favorites he would be it, but I really try not to play favorites. He is such a good and loving cat, very empathetic.
I curled up for hours. It is a little better, about a 6 on a 1-10. Still a drilling pain in my right temple, still sucks to be me but able to fix Ron something for dinner. I am feeling pretty clever about his nutrition. The V8 fruit juice "fusions" have carrot juice and he can't get enough of it. I did not tell him. I just call it "your juice". Then I got him eating the breakfast bowls with egg, bacon, sausage, and cheese. He can't get enough of them, healthy fats and protein. Even a decent amount of calcium. He eats every speck.
I am going to hold up my end. Even with a migraine he got his food, juice, supplements, and I helped him with the cat treats.
Oh! It sucks to be me, though.
I did log onto Chewy when I got home and bought the cat food (cheaper, even delivered) and some silvervine/catnip herb mix. I can sprinkle that around for the cats. The toys are cute but Cleo is a savage who enjoys gutting them. Better to just get the herb for her to roll around.
It wasn't expensive, either.
Now I am off to look up quilts because I won't care if Ron ruins one of those.
I got up, computer for a while, ran a load of laundry, ran a cleaning cycle on the washer because I was about due, and took a shower. Not bad for a VERY nasty headache.
I haven't found anything that really works except generic Excedrin. I tried Kratom, various prescriptions, etc. but nothing. I used to take triptans when I had a good policy that covered them but they interact with lithium.
And lithium is king in my intake.
I took a shower and even conditioned my hair. My hair likes to do the dry at the tips, greasy at the roots thing. I have been using volume shampoos lately because it is a little thin on top.
I got an antibiotic into Ron over his bitter protests (I will be so glad when that is done), called Arturo.
Ron had told me his pills were in, also that he did not want to go. He gave me cab fare and a decent amount of spending cash as well. Arturo came and got me.
I went to Walmart. I spent some time looking at holiday baked goods. Let's be honest, anyone who has seen my home probably does not want anything cooked in it. There, I said it. So I try to bring something baked somewhere else. Desserts are always good.
I looked around, got myself a bread pudding - I don't think my aunt's gang is into that - and got a good idea what they had. I got some candy for the dentist, I get my permanent crown Tuesday and then DONE for a while (except for #14).
I got some 2 in one Pantene volume shampoo. Apparently I am not the only woman with this problem, there are a lot of volume shampoos. I like a 2 in 1 because I am so prone to fatigue and depression.
I got some soup and sanitizer - get those clean hands even cleaner when cleaning up Ron's injuries. In that vein I also got some gauze pads because the cotton pads had some fibers in the wound. I want something that won't do that.
I went to the counter. Long term clerk on the left, new clerk on the right. The guy at the new clerk seemed to be having trouble. He left, she called me up with a heavy accent (not spanish).
I told her Ron's name and date of birth. She couldn't find it. I spelled his name out (it is not a difficult name) . Still clueless. I spelled it out even slower, letting some exasperation leak through. "It's not here".
I tersely told her THEY HAD CALLED US to tell us it was ready. I took something out of my wallet with my name on it since she seemed to have such trouble with my last name (in my history of picking things up, I have never had this difficulty). She just gaped at me and told me to go to the other clerk (I was headed there anyway).
I went over to the other clerk and had the pills in 20 seconds. I told her "She" (pointing) can't get it". The older term clerk just shook her head.
I doubt the new girl will make it to the end of the day but they should at least check and see if they can give a prescription before they put them at the register. I paid and put the pills up in my backpack.
I got a six pack of soda and looked for Jolly Rancher Green Apple drink mix, which my dentist loves, but they didn't have it. So I had to double back and get him some candy.
At some point I picked out some stuff for Thanksgiving. Then I went over to the cat section. I didn't like the nail trimmers. A couple of my cats could use a regular nail trim but the trimmer didn't look safe and easy. I don't want to take a chance of hurting the cats. I did get some generic brand mixed grill - they adore the stuff, and a packet of the soup for cats.
My guys love the soup and I like I can sneak probiotics into it. They always gobble up every little speck. (And they did, later). I got the tuna flavor - and Mama Cat is NOT sharing with Biscuit.
I completely forgot to get the big bag of Iams dry. And I was right there on the aisle. I also forgot to look at a comforter for Ron. I just don't feel well today.
I checked out. I wasn't very hungry but I did get a maple donut. Sometimes a cold drink and a sugar snack can help me with a migraine. It didn't work.
Arturo came back, surprised I had bought so little, and took me home. I went in and put the groceries away. I had bought some protein waffles and a couple breakfast bowls for Ron. I gave Ron his pills.
I got an ice pack out of the freezer and laid down for a while, Biscuit joined me and gave me a very nice massage, a cuddle, and some purring. If I had favorites he would be it, but I really try not to play favorites. He is such a good and loving cat, very empathetic.
I curled up for hours. It is a little better, about a 6 on a 1-10. Still a drilling pain in my right temple, still sucks to be me but able to fix Ron something for dinner. I am feeling pretty clever about his nutrition. The V8 fruit juice "fusions" have carrot juice and he can't get enough of it. I did not tell him. I just call it "your juice". Then I got him eating the breakfast bowls with egg, bacon, sausage, and cheese. He can't get enough of them, healthy fats and protein. Even a decent amount of calcium. He eats every speck.
I am going to hold up my end. Even with a migraine he got his food, juice, supplements, and I helped him with the cat treats.
Oh! It sucks to be me, though.
I did log onto Chewy when I got home and bought the cat food (cheaper, even delivered) and some silvervine/catnip herb mix. I can sprinkle that around for the cats. The toys are cute but Cleo is a savage who enjoys gutting them. Better to just get the herb for her to roll around.
It wasn't expensive, either.
Now I am off to look up quilts because I won't care if Ron ruins one of those.
Some thoughts
I woke up early, with a migraine.
Years ago I invested a lot of time and trouble knitting an afghan, Ron loved it and wanted it for himself. I gave it to him, then I took it back when 1. He wasn't taking care of it and 2. He was being a creep.
Recently he was very cold and pitiful so I gave it back to him.
The floor next to his bed is very bad, the carpet will need to be pulled up and the room get new flooring. He knows this. This morning I found the afghan on the bad flooring, I was pretty upset and picked it up.
I took it to the laundry room, am in the process of washing it (with laundry sanitizer) and will NOT be giving it back to him. He can't respect my work. I will get him something cheap from Walmart.
Anyway, the migraine headed off about the time I read the comments. And I realized something.
No one believed me.
As a kid, "things are really bad at home"
"No they aren't, you are just an ungrateful little bitch with a spite on for your step mother". (far from it, I desperately wanted her approval up until I moved out).
She used to have long, manicured, nails. She painted them a mauve color. She used to grab my upper arm and dig the nails into my flesh, when she was angry. If I tried to pull away she would dig in. One time I actually looked at my upper arms and found some scars from it. Everyone acted like that was OK. She never did it in public.
When I was in my late teens I was put into a school program for emotionally disturbed kids. One day after she did the claw thing with my arm I wore a sleeveless top to school (back before most had a dress code). I went in with my arm all clawed up, they went ballistic and called her. I don't know what she told them but they never mentioned it again.
When confronted with clear evidence of abuse, they did nothing.
And my stepmother took all my short sleeved and sleeveless tops, and got rid of them, then did it again to my arm before the first one had even healed up.
Don't ask for help, Heather.
Then I get with Ron, everyone is always confirming everything he does as OK and acceptable. I remember one night he threw me out in the street before my birthday because I am messy. That, to him, was worth making me homeless. He screamed at me, threw me out, I had a very bad night.
I am ashamed to admit he made me beg to come back. One of my worst moments.
Anyway, I went to work bitching about this and how cruel he was "Why did he do it?" I told them "Oh, he was totally justified, then".
Because I was MESSY?
When he beat me up in 2007, same thing. He was having a blackout and broke a lava lamp. Big pieces of broken glass everywhere. He thought the toilet was in my room and decided he would urinate in the corner. I kept him out of my room because I did not want him walking on the broken glass in his bare feet.
He responded by assaulting me, punching me and mainly biting me all over my arms and legs until I told him the police were coming. I had huge, horrific, bruises all over each arm and leg. I wish I had filed charges.
I ended up staying with my aunt and uncle for a week. Ron promised he wouldn't drink Everclear any more and I thought he would be OK.
I wish I had run like hell.
Anyway, I was gone from home, and the business, for a week. It was still warm out and I was wearing short sleeves, you could see the bruises all over my arms.
I went back. Mainly because no one offered another option. And went back to work, bruises and all.
One postal worker "Why are the machines empty?" I explained I had some problems at home and had to leave for a while. "Well, that's no excuse". I showed him the bruises "What did you do to piss him off?"
And that was the big question everyone had when I got beat up "What had I done to piss him off" because sometimes a good beating is necessary, I guess.
This is the culture I am coming from, that no one gives a shit if I am beat up mentally or verbally. That if abuse is happening I have it coming and must have offended him in some way. That there is EVER an excuse for abuse. That everyone does this...That Ron is a "real man" for getting blackout drunk, passing out on the floor, and forcing me to work a double (real experience). It's toxic.
No one ever sat me down and told me this was unacceptable. So it's a shock when I do hear it.
I have to readjust what I think is acceptable and that may take a while.
Years ago I invested a lot of time and trouble knitting an afghan, Ron loved it and wanted it for himself. I gave it to him, then I took it back when 1. He wasn't taking care of it and 2. He was being a creep.
Recently he was very cold and pitiful so I gave it back to him.
The floor next to his bed is very bad, the carpet will need to be pulled up and the room get new flooring. He knows this. This morning I found the afghan on the bad flooring, I was pretty upset and picked it up.
I took it to the laundry room, am in the process of washing it (with laundry sanitizer) and will NOT be giving it back to him. He can't respect my work. I will get him something cheap from Walmart.
Anyway, the migraine headed off about the time I read the comments. And I realized something.
No one believed me.
As a kid, "things are really bad at home"
"No they aren't, you are just an ungrateful little bitch with a spite on for your step mother". (far from it, I desperately wanted her approval up until I moved out).
She used to have long, manicured, nails. She painted them a mauve color. She used to grab my upper arm and dig the nails into my flesh, when she was angry. If I tried to pull away she would dig in. One time I actually looked at my upper arms and found some scars from it. Everyone acted like that was OK. She never did it in public.
When I was in my late teens I was put into a school program for emotionally disturbed kids. One day after she did the claw thing with my arm I wore a sleeveless top to school (back before most had a dress code). I went in with my arm all clawed up, they went ballistic and called her. I don't know what she told them but they never mentioned it again.
When confronted with clear evidence of abuse, they did nothing.
And my stepmother took all my short sleeved and sleeveless tops, and got rid of them, then did it again to my arm before the first one had even healed up.
Don't ask for help, Heather.
Then I get with Ron, everyone is always confirming everything he does as OK and acceptable. I remember one night he threw me out in the street before my birthday because I am messy. That, to him, was worth making me homeless. He screamed at me, threw me out, I had a very bad night.
I am ashamed to admit he made me beg to come back. One of my worst moments.
Anyway, I went to work bitching about this and how cruel he was "Why did he do it?" I told them "Oh, he was totally justified, then".
Because I was MESSY?
When he beat me up in 2007, same thing. He was having a blackout and broke a lava lamp. Big pieces of broken glass everywhere. He thought the toilet was in my room and decided he would urinate in the corner. I kept him out of my room because I did not want him walking on the broken glass in his bare feet.
He responded by assaulting me, punching me and mainly biting me all over my arms and legs until I told him the police were coming. I had huge, horrific, bruises all over each arm and leg. I wish I had filed charges.
I ended up staying with my aunt and uncle for a week. Ron promised he wouldn't drink Everclear any more and I thought he would be OK.
I wish I had run like hell.
Anyway, I was gone from home, and the business, for a week. It was still warm out and I was wearing short sleeves, you could see the bruises all over my arms.
I went back. Mainly because no one offered another option. And went back to work, bruises and all.
One postal worker "Why are the machines empty?" I explained I had some problems at home and had to leave for a while. "Well, that's no excuse". I showed him the bruises "What did you do to piss him off?"
And that was the big question everyone had when I got beat up "What had I done to piss him off" because sometimes a good beating is necessary, I guess.
This is the culture I am coming from, that no one gives a shit if I am beat up mentally or verbally. That if abuse is happening I have it coming and must have offended him in some way. That there is EVER an excuse for abuse. That everyone does this...That Ron is a "real man" for getting blackout drunk, passing out on the floor, and forcing me to work a double (real experience). It's toxic.
No one ever sat me down and told me this was unacceptable. So it's a shock when I do hear it.
I have to readjust what I think is acceptable and that may take a while.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Wednesday Night
My sound card died. That really sucks. But I am streaming audio over wi fi to my cell phone, which I put on the desk. Not bad that way.
Ron was most upset I couldn't play music videos for him. He loves country music when he is drinking, but I detest it for just that reason. He always plays country music when he's drinking. And so many country music songs are about guys going out and getting hammered, Ron has half of them.
Anyway, a little bit of a bad mood here.
BUT I got my Walmart delivery. That was funny, they did a substitution on it. I ordered 11 ounce carrot juice. They were out of stock, sad. But I had allowed a sub on that if this came up. So they sent me 2 quarts. It's a good thing I love carrot juice! Not bad for $1.94. It reminds me of the time they didn't have the quart bottles on powerade so they sent me an 8 pack.
The man was very nice and so surprised to get a tip. Which led to a couple of internal questions. Was he new to the job? Was everyone else not tipping? Was my tip remarkable?
He had 40 pounds of litter, five 6 packs of soda, plus my other groceries, frozen, produce, etc. All in good condition so he got a good tip. No big deal.
I thought. I was happy to make his day.
I got it all in the house, Ron woke up and went in the kitchen. I got his permission (he is tricky like that) to work on his hand. If he were able bodied I would just let it get infected but 1. That's not who I am and 2. He is very dependent.
I was working on it and he was making rude remarks, rushing me, telling me I was a "bad nurse" (it isn't infected, is it?), etc. I told him I was working for free and he should be grateful anyone wanted to work on his hand. He went on how I had "a free ride with all bills paid" and I told him "nothing is free".
I didn't argue but I didn't agree with him, either. He got drunk and demanding I play him country music songs, but my computer wasn't working and I told him. He got upset and I told him, it could have been the modem, right before our report was due. He didn't appreciate that.
It was early for it, but I got the last antibiotic into him before he went to bed. He grumbled a lot about that and said I was "doing it for attention".
What attention did I get, giving him his antibiotic? It is 2 of us in the house with the cats. I am trying to keep him from getting infected so I don't get into trouble. That is all. Like I said, if he were able bodied I would just shove the first aid supplies at him and walk away. Of course if he were able bodied I would leave him.
And that's what I think a lot of people miss, this is not an able bodied man. His brain is messed up, he has hearing loss, he can't see. He can barely stand a few seconds and get himself to the bathroom. He cannot walk. He has severe pain. He can't even get in the house by himself.
Recently I was looking at the list of qualifications to become a vendor in our program. They have refined the list over the years. Some notable requirements (to ENTER the program): stand for 10 hours, bend, squat, lift 40 pounds. Wow. I can do all that, but not him.
And the demographer wondered why we didn't have more variety in our vendors. Not many are up for that.
But he's not "right". I have empathy. I can't imagine what it must be like to be that messed up, trying to make my way in the world. That is one reason I don't make threats to leave him. If/when I leave I will just do it, I won't throw it at him every 10 minutes leading up. And I would set something up for him when I went.
But I made a promise. He has not kept up his end, even sadder I think he has to the best of his ability. But I am very loyal. That is a blessing and a curse. I have a huge heart, the same reason I ended up with 6 rescue cats is the same reason I can't just walk.
Now, someone posted up public records on me, Ron, and the house in my comments. You might think that would have freaked me out, but there are only 2 women in the US (last I checked) with my name, and Deb on Low Carb Friends message board "doxxed" me back in 2010 by posting my full name next to my user handle on the message board, after I had left. I didn't find out about it for a year. And unlike Deb I was not one to use my full name anywhere.
Now, I unfriended her on FB but not over that (that was just ignorance), but the pagan crap got really old.
Even here you have to look a little. I don't just have it on the header. So she (somehow I think it was a woman) posted me and Ron's full names and our address at 123 Maple Lane ;P But my privacy was already shredded 10 years ago when Deb posted my name without my permission, which I would have NEVER given. So someone figures it out now, it is not hard if you know where to look. I'm not going to tell you how but it's possible and not horribly difficult.
And, like I said, the horse is already out of the barn. I am not worried. These days I think "what privacy?" Someone else posted me on the net with my phone number and making, supposedly, $150K a year. I get a fair amount of spam calls. Not that I answer.
I don't answer unless I am expecting a call or they are in the phone book. So don't call unless you send me a PM with your number and name, first, so I know it's you.
My evening medication is kicking in, here comes the groggy and yet more dry mouth. The dry mouth gets pretty old.
Oh, and something awesome for the intermittent fasting column: I can take my antidepressant on an empty stomach. I was really happy to discover that. That should make IF a real possibility for me. I would probably eat between 11-7 to start and then narrow it down to a 6 hour window. Assuming I don't have any issues with my medication. The Risperdal can play with blood sugar. I am gearing up for that.
I can't really commit to anything other than that right now but it's a start.
Ron was most upset I couldn't play music videos for him. He loves country music when he is drinking, but I detest it for just that reason. He always plays country music when he's drinking. And so many country music songs are about guys going out and getting hammered, Ron has half of them.
Anyway, a little bit of a bad mood here.
BUT I got my Walmart delivery. That was funny, they did a substitution on it. I ordered 11 ounce carrot juice. They were out of stock, sad. But I had allowed a sub on that if this came up. So they sent me 2 quarts. It's a good thing I love carrot juice! Not bad for $1.94. It reminds me of the time they didn't have the quart bottles on powerade so they sent me an 8 pack.
The man was very nice and so surprised to get a tip. Which led to a couple of internal questions. Was he new to the job? Was everyone else not tipping? Was my tip remarkable?
He had 40 pounds of litter, five 6 packs of soda, plus my other groceries, frozen, produce, etc. All in good condition so he got a good tip. No big deal.
I thought. I was happy to make his day.
I got it all in the house, Ron woke up and went in the kitchen. I got his permission (he is tricky like that) to work on his hand. If he were able bodied I would just let it get infected but 1. That's not who I am and 2. He is very dependent.
I was working on it and he was making rude remarks, rushing me, telling me I was a "bad nurse" (it isn't infected, is it?), etc. I told him I was working for free and he should be grateful anyone wanted to work on his hand. He went on how I had "a free ride with all bills paid" and I told him "nothing is free".
I didn't argue but I didn't agree with him, either. He got drunk and demanding I play him country music songs, but my computer wasn't working and I told him. He got upset and I told him, it could have been the modem, right before our report was due. He didn't appreciate that.
It was early for it, but I got the last antibiotic into him before he went to bed. He grumbled a lot about that and said I was "doing it for attention".
What attention did I get, giving him his antibiotic? It is 2 of us in the house with the cats. I am trying to keep him from getting infected so I don't get into trouble. That is all. Like I said, if he were able bodied I would just shove the first aid supplies at him and walk away. Of course if he were able bodied I would leave him.
And that's what I think a lot of people miss, this is not an able bodied man. His brain is messed up, he has hearing loss, he can't see. He can barely stand a few seconds and get himself to the bathroom. He cannot walk. He has severe pain. He can't even get in the house by himself.
Recently I was looking at the list of qualifications to become a vendor in our program. They have refined the list over the years. Some notable requirements (to ENTER the program): stand for 10 hours, bend, squat, lift 40 pounds. Wow. I can do all that, but not him.
And the demographer wondered why we didn't have more variety in our vendors. Not many are up for that.
But he's not "right". I have empathy. I can't imagine what it must be like to be that messed up, trying to make my way in the world. That is one reason I don't make threats to leave him. If/when I leave I will just do it, I won't throw it at him every 10 minutes leading up. And I would set something up for him when I went.
But I made a promise. He has not kept up his end, even sadder I think he has to the best of his ability. But I am very loyal. That is a blessing and a curse. I have a huge heart, the same reason I ended up with 6 rescue cats is the same reason I can't just walk.
Now, someone posted up public records on me, Ron, and the house in my comments. You might think that would have freaked me out, but there are only 2 women in the US (last I checked) with my name, and Deb on Low Carb Friends message board "doxxed" me back in 2010 by posting my full name next to my user handle on the message board, after I had left. I didn't find out about it for a year. And unlike Deb I was not one to use my full name anywhere.
Now, I unfriended her on FB but not over that (that was just ignorance), but the pagan crap got really old.
Even here you have to look a little. I don't just have it on the header. So she (somehow I think it was a woman) posted me and Ron's full names and our address at 123 Maple Lane ;P But my privacy was already shredded 10 years ago when Deb posted my name without my permission, which I would have NEVER given. So someone figures it out now, it is not hard if you know where to look. I'm not going to tell you how but it's possible and not horribly difficult.
And, like I said, the horse is already out of the barn. I am not worried. These days I think "what privacy?" Someone else posted me on the net with my phone number and making, supposedly, $150K a year. I get a fair amount of spam calls. Not that I answer.
I don't answer unless I am expecting a call or they are in the phone book. So don't call unless you send me a PM with your number and name, first, so I know it's you.
My evening medication is kicking in, here comes the groggy and yet more dry mouth. The dry mouth gets pretty old.
Oh, and something awesome for the intermittent fasting column: I can take my antidepressant on an empty stomach. I was really happy to discover that. That should make IF a real possibility for me. I would probably eat between 11-7 to start and then narrow it down to a 6 hour window. Assuming I don't have any issues with my medication. The Risperdal can play with blood sugar. I am gearing up for that.
I can't really commit to anything other than that right now but it's a start.
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