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Showing posts from January, 2013

Roll Call

Well, I prayed about it and decided to share my half of why my friend came over. 

He feels I am "undressing" Ron online by sharing his bad behavior.  He told Ron I was relating this and Ron got upset.  As I told them, everything I have written about Ron and his behavior, has been 100% true. 

"You don't want me to tell the truth?" I asked. 

[shrug]  I'm still working on it, but a Christian Counselor friend of mine was pretty outraged.  I have a lot of online friends. 

Someone said "Heather, your honesty in sharing your struggles has encouraged me to share mine".  Then I got an in-box on a message board "Heather, I really want to share what you related about forgiveness with a friend, can I do that?"  Of course. 

It certainly seems like God is telling me not to shut up. 

Like I told her, I would hope my pain can help others.  Maybe inspire them.  Maybe encourage them.  Maybe make them think "Well, at least my life isn't that…

Sorry to be vague

Well.  That was interesting. 

Short version: you won't be hearing much about Ron unless he OK's. it.  I will pray on it of course but that's how it will be for now. 

Ron doesn't have a blog, to write about me.  He can't make comments on this one - anyone can see it's very one-sided.  We'll see how it goes. 

If you pray, you could pray for Ron and his issues.  He can always use prayer on them. 

Ron has, however, said "Don't write about me online".  OK, I'll respect that. 

I can say that I came to a realization tonight: I haven't given Ron, completely, to God.  I have given his body, but not all his issues, to God.  On some level, I guess I think that some issues even God can't fix. 

As far as Ron goes, I think I can say he feels defensive and attacked and that's about it.  It wasn't my idea - which is good because I'm the one who has to live with him!   As it is, I'm hearing a lot but he's not mad at me. 

Candy bar nightmares

For some reason, I set my alarm very early.  When it went off, Bubba got in bed with me and we had a snuggle for about an hour.  Worth it. 

I'd taken my shower last night - finally dragged myself in there - so my hygenie was fine once I got my teeth and hair brushed.  I did part of my God Time - still need to finish that. 

I was up a pound - this is one reason I hate weighing myself.  I always freak if I go up an ounce. 

Our driver came early, so I bolted out of the house with the Mountain Dew, my backpack, and no medication.  Boy, I missed that Wellbutrin today. 

I did have a funny moment at work; my jeans are getting very baggy in the butt - at least baggy for me.  I'm not used to leeway.  I told Ron about it.   He was sitting in the wheelchair, so I grabbed his hand and put it on my butt to illustrate "See?" 

As I did it, I thought "I hope a manager doesn't walk in."  No one did. 

We went back to work, stocking away, doing meter readings (how m…

A food blog

I had a nice baseline mood for about a week.  Today I realized I am getting a little manic. 

Ironic to type this: it was rather depressing.  I would love to have a good level mood all the time.  Instead, I'm strapped into this roller coaster. 

However, God has a purpose.  I just need to focus on serving Him. 

I saw a seedrack today and that reminded me of past manias, where I would buy dozens of packets of seeds.  Most would languish, never planted, because the depression would strike. 

I have a single collard plant out back, nice and green.  I haven't really gotten out to the garden in a while. 

Last year I was so wrapped up in home repairs and getting my lithium level right.  Now it's right, and I'm always tired! 

But I'm figuring out work arounds for my daily living.  For instance, I'm drinking a shake.  It's very good.  I use 2 cups of whole milk and a scoop of whey protein, plus some ice.  It's good, it's easy, it's healthy. 

When I …

Better than a migraine

I realized a few things last night:
I need to cut off all liquids an hour before bedtime.  Dry mouth keeps me drinking and then I end up going to the bathroom every 10 minutes when I'm trying to sleep.  

I heard a high pitched whistle for a while and it was driving me NUTS.  I kept looking for the source, but it was the same intensity everywhere I went.  I finally realized (after praying about it) I was having tinnitus, a side effect of my medication. 

I had a terrible time falling asleep, but once I dropped off I was OK.  I mean, God love him, Ron always thinks he's "quiet"...

We woke up early and went to Foodtown.  I like going early, I have the store to myself.  The employees are long term and seem happy.  I got some soda for home and work (the business owes me $6 for Mountain Dew), and found the coveted $1 a pound ground beef.  Another lady and I were pillaging it, pretty funny.  I got about 2 pounds of 93% lean.  I was thrilled. 

Speaking of, I need to cook…

Off Day

Down another pound!  Yay! 

I woke up late today, no God Time, barely got a shower!  I used my new hair cream on my ends and I like it.  The ends are nice and curly, cute, shiny, not greasy.

It didn't take long, either.  I hate taking forever "making up".   One of my dearest friends is a guy with very wild hair, looks like he just got out of bed (not Ron, someone else). 

Ron and I had a trip to Walmart.  We - meaning I - hate to shop when it is busy.  Ron bought a case of beer on his own.  A woman in line behind me had seen Ron and asked about it.  I said "I don't buy alcohol". 

"OOOOH".  Yeah. 

On the plus side, Metrolift (all good rides today) had given me enough time to find the perfect wide tooth comb, look at various hair "dressing" products, decided I didn't need more elastics, consulted my aunt about cocoa butter cream (she hears good things), and selected a jar of same. 

I used it by the way, the Palmer's in a jar, o…

For Mark

Hi Mark! 

Ron does walk some every day, and stands a good bit too.  Generally speaking he walks into the building (I had all the products in the wheelchair yesterday), which wipes him out.  Then he gets into the work chair and works from there.  He stands as much as he can, then gets into the chair when needed.   He does a little lifting and reaching to stock the machines. 

At home, he is in bed, unless he's getting himself something or in the bathroom.  That does bug me.  I admit I am hugely overprotective, and I don't like to nag him.  I may take him for a "walk" in the wheelchair later. 

About the only good thing I can say about Ron at home - it's a good thing he does have that clot filter! 

Trust me, if Ron could get out of the chair, he would.  He also has the hemiparesis on the right side in addition to the neuropathy.  Even at his "best", before neuropathy, he could only walk about 2-3 blocks. 

You're right, I didn't ask the driver t…
I was having a good day.  Apparently Ron was not.  Remember he has been drinking since we got home around 1. 

He came in while I was on the computer, angry at the bank.  The checking account balance got too low, so they transferred $100 off the credit card to cover it.  He was angry at the bank. 

"Ron" I told him, "The next time you go to the bank disconnect the 'overdraft protection' from your credit card.  If you tell them to take it off they have to do it."  He was pleased to hear that. 

Then he started about "illegal" immigration.  Had I been honest, I would have told him from the start "Ron, I don't want to talk about it." 

What's there to say?  It sucks to live in Mexico, unless you are a wealthy white person.  They don't have running water, safety, health departments, and sanitation.  Many live in filthy slums (ask me about my mission trips) that reek of feces. 

I get that.  I also get the parental urge to "m…

I got your nuts

Our cafeteria area at work is about 2 acres, I'd say. 

So, I had to yell.  When I saw my favorite customer putting his lunchbag on the table, I yelled "Hey!  I got your nuts!" 

Heads turned, I realized what I'd said, and I started laughing.  I walked over, still laughing, and my customer raised an eyebrow.  I pointed at the vending machine and he want "Oh!" 

[He had "fired" me Thursday because I'd run out of his favorite peanut item]  "Can I have my job back?" 

"OK" 

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, it was crazy.  Got up, went to church, came home.  As Ron mentioned, the whole process, on paratransit, takes a while.  Once we got home I changed into my "civvies" and we went to the warehouse. 

I had to get those peanuts, you know.  [wink]  I also got some merchandise for my new snack machine.  Ron needed Mountain Dew. 

I got it all.  Boy, it was crowded.  I really prefer "business hours" shopping.…

The Wrong Treats

"Those are the wrong treats" Ron told me indignantly.  "Get the other ones."  I got the identical item, except in a canister, and brought it out to him as he sat on the porch. 

"These are Bubba's treats" he told me, satisfied. 

"They're the same thing as her treats, just a different container."  Ron gaped at me.  "Really?"  Yup. 

Today was a little different.  My mood is still a nice normal one.  Not up or down - shocking.  Amazing to think people know they can wake up like this every day of the year.  I plan to enjoy it while it lasts. 

Last night, I sorted out all my skinny clothes.  I have a lot of 10-12s, but only one 18.  My 1X box has 2 items.  Oh, well, I live near 3 good, correction, 4 good thrift stores.  I was really happy I cleaned the top shelf of my closet.  It looks great now.  I had some old boxes from work. 

I am interested in getting into some of the cute stuff I have that will work for church, some cute d…

A Fable

I like to think that I'm making a lot of progress in my spiritual walk.  And then something comes along and knocks me back. 

I am debating how to convey this without getting in trouble.  Here's a Fable: 

A man and a woman open up a small business, which is affiliated with some un-named government agency.  They are in vending.  They are told only they should retain keys to the vending machine, except for the repairman.  They MUST give the repairman a copy of the vending machine key because "He can come and fix them when you're not around".  The repairman is self-employed.  We will disregard the fact that it is common practice to pay the repairman at the time of service, and that NONE of these "repairs while you are gone" ever occured. 

So, these hypothetical vendors, call them John and Jane, run their business.  However, the money isn't adding up.  They are losing about $300 a month.  Jane suspects the repairman.  John says maybe she is stealing. …

Noise Machine

I think I've done a blog on this before. 

It's ironic, really.  My husband is black (says so on the Birth Certificate).  My customers are primarily black.  My neighbors are about half black, half hispanic. 

I very seldom hand out a Bible to a white person when I'm doing a handout. 

The devil wants me to be a racist.  I live on a street in NW Houston, in the suburbs.  It is a nice middle class neighborhood, mostly Black and Latino, with some Asian and White.  Median income is about 55K, with an average 2.74 residents per home.  The average home is valued at $93K (my home is half that). 

I would call that middle-class.  So, I live in a middle-class subdivision, very nice and quiet.  When I put my cat on a diet, he got fatter because other people fed him.  At any rate, we're not far from the Beltway which is a boon to most commuters, but it can bring trouble. 

One of the streets bordering our subdivision runs straight into Acres Homes, a notorious ghetto and home of …

Heather's Chop Shop

I've been up for 16 hours straight, and so tired I'm hearing music that might not be there.  I know up-for-16 hours is not a big deal for an average person, but I've got a different brain from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and some heavy duty medication on board to manage the bipolar.  It's a lot. 

So, let me tell you about "Heather's Chop Shop".  First, though, I need to tell you a little about our location and the blind vendor program.  We have most of the machines we started out with 12 years ago.  They all belong to the State of Texas Blind Vendor program.  We own the inventory and that's it. 

In fact, when Ron leaves the program, he is required to leave a certain amount of inventory, or money to replace it, for the next vendor.  Overall it's a good program, but like our guy said "Everyone is hurting" right now. 

So, what a nice surprise that the program bought some new vending machines.  The last one we got, nicknamed "The Beast&q…

8 pounds since Sunday

I thought it was pretty funny, when I told Ron I made a migraine video blog, he asked me if I had vomited on camera. I told him "No, but it was pretty close". Ron slept through the whole migraine, I think that's a good thing. He would have been very angry at God on my behalf.

He woke up after I went to bed, and cleaned the litter boxes for me. 

I was really glad I was able to do my God Time yesterday, and contrary to my usual policy, will do today's God Time after I log off the computer. 

I did lose weight, down to 225 now.  That's 8 pounds since Sunday. It's a lot easier to lose weight when I'm fat, my body has plenty of storage. 

Today, I woke up feeling OK.  I had Bubba cat cuddled with me in bed, a rare treat.  When I got up, my head started throbbing.  My back hasn't bothered me unless I tried to lift or pull things. 

I checked the mail, my cell phone cases arrived.  I had ordered a set of 4, LG Sentio cell phone cases  for $7, free shi…
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Tuneup Day

This might be a little TMI in parts.  I will put some **** before and after if you want to skip it. 

Today was just plain wierd.  I started with a fat old cat in my bed and the snooze alarm.  I got up, did my God Time, and got dressed.  I wore one of my pocket T's, jeans, and my steel-toe slip ons.  Those things are awesome with Ron in a wheelchair.  So what if he runs over my foot?  

I weighed myself, down 3 pounds, but I think that's just water weight from my cycle.  I generally retain about that much, but it will make my Fitday look pretty awesome. 

I had some of the shake I made last night.  Ooooh!  It was bitter!  I think the pineapple enzymes did something.  I will need to make the shakes right before drinking, apparently.  I don't want another one of those. 

Our ride came.  We had a hand cart with some drinks.  The driver kept making "mistakes" driving around.  Instead of using the GPS and going straight to the location, she drove in and out of every a…

3-2-1 Takeoff

Ok, I set up my Fitday with all the measurements and my weight.  It's in the sidebar, under "interesting links".  Last night I ate the last of the leftover pizza and a pint of ice cream, woke up with a horrible headache and some aches. 

I'll get it.  It was interesting, when I plugged in my food I had eaten about 1100 calories.  Yet I burned around 2500 calories. 

I didn't even eat particularly low carb, either, but I did keep it under 100, which is my new "Must do".  My percentages looked OK too. 

I also noted I had only gained 5 pounds since last June.  That's encouraging, even eating terribly I must be at a "set point". 

I was able to get to, and maintain, 170, pretty easily.  I intend to aim for that.  When I met Ron I was very underweight from years of antidepressants, and looked awful at 122.  I'd love to get to 140 but I don't think that is practical. 

I also reset my baseline to "seated".  I would rather unde…

Ron and Heather Video blog

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Busy day

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I've made some interesting observations about my diet: when I eat wheat, I cough a lot afterward.  Hm.  Let's add the rare outbreak of hives and I think I have a wheat issue. 

I got a few things this week for my "last meal" - like, ice cream, a stuffed crust pizza (if you are not low carbing, the Walmart Stuffed Crust Pizza - the one you find in the deli, is excellent), etc, and without fail, wheat = coughing. 

Ron hates that cough.  He's going to love next week.  No wheat, no cough. 

Depression was pretty bad today, but I did OK.  We went to the warehouse and got some supplies, then we went to work and stocked them.  I got 4 kinds of pastries.  They are all proven best-sellers. 

The Honey Buns were so large I had a hard time closing the tray.  When I stock a snack machine, I - visual aid: 


This snack machine has 6 trays that run from left to right.  They have various release mechanisms (I stock 3 different types of snack machines).  I engage the release mec…

Video Blog

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Pep-up

Hey, I think I'm getting manic.  Praise God if so, if I'm not, I'll just enjoy this for however long it lasts. 

I had a pretty long day.  Last night I read Diet 101, a really good book on low carb diets by a research expert. 

One point that stuck out, and I'm paraphrasing: "If you keep failing at your diet; it's time for a different diet."  I can't stick to Atkins for the long-term. 

So, I need to figure something else.  She also talked about eating things you enjoy.  I'm not a fan of eggs unless I'm eating out, and all I have are eggs or pancakes. 

I also have a low energy level most days.  I don't like to eat a big protien in the morning, but I need a solid breakfast or my Wellbutrin will have me queasy all day. 

What do I like?  Well, I thought of the shakes I used to make.  Whey protien and milk.  Good stuff, but I didn't have a blender so they were a hassle to mix.  The shaker bottle had to be completely scrubbed and then soa…

Home Alive

Today, I stood outside in cold, damp, windy weather.  It felt like the 30's.  I was not well dressed for the weather - I thought a layer of long underwear under sweats and a t-shirt would be plenty, turns out I was wrong. 

I have to wait outside because the drivers have a lot of trouble finding us, especially new ones.  The GPS directs them to the wrong driveway.  The building at the wrong driveway has the "proper" address, but it's 17 acres under one roof. 

The driver fails to realize they have TWO parking lots, and they're in the wrong one.  Ron and I board at the employee entrance parking lot, not the "123" address. 

We have put this in the notes: "Employee entrance.  Wife outside waving.  Call XXX-YYYY".  Instead, the driver sees a sign that says "Entrance" and enters that driveway.  Then Ron or I have to call and inform the driver to come to MY parking lot, while I stand outside waving like a demented sports fan. 

Most of th…

Bandwagon

I've decided to restart Atkins within the week.  A couple of things led to it: getting fatter - harder to do things.  Hurting more. 

The big one: moods.  What if I can improve my moods by eating lower carb?  I seem to recall the depressions weren't as bad. 

It's also simple things - I start coughing every time I eat something with wheat, then I get wierd abdominal pains.  I figured out my plantar faciitis hurt horribly every time I ate more than an ounce of sugar.  I try to watch that. 

So, if I'm cutting out the wheat and avoiding sugar, I might as well go whole-hog.  I have zero energy and little motivation, but I figure I can only help myself. 

I just want to re-read some of my low carb diet books and have a few "last meals" before I climb back on the very patient bandwagon.

God likes my singing.

When my pastor literally chases me down and tells me to listen to something, I do it.  I just finished. 

"Heather" he told me, "I really think you need to hear this, it has a lot that covers your situation."  Audio sermon

I'd had a tough night, I had a nightmare I was very pregnant, wearing a purple top, and battling a crew of bad guys, trying to get into a room.  One of the guys had me pinned, my arms behind me, a knife at my throat.  I was struggling and trying to kick him without losing my balance and hurting my unborn child. 

As I fought, the door I sought opened and a wild-eyed, bearded, man chambered a round in his shotgun.  I knew then I was safe.  It wasn't Ron, this guy had brown hair. 

After I woke up (still depressed!  Hating this!  It used to be 2 weeks only.), I took my shower and did most of my God Time.  I asked Him for help on what to wear, and figured out something cute. 

Our ride was a little late, but not too bad.  We got to Starbucks…

More

WELL. 

Not long ago I typed out a bitter tirade about our crusade against Ron's neuropathy.  Ron tried everything, tons of diagnostic procedures, had electrified needles stuck into his legs, and guess what? 

The cough suppressant killed it. 

That's right.  I gave him 10 ml of over the counter Dextromethorban (Delsym) syrup.  He went to sleep because he'd been up all night.  When he woke up, he seemed in a very good mood.  I asked him how he was feeling, and he said great. 

I asked him about the shooting electric shock that has been plaguing his right foot.  IT'S GONE! He cried. 

Good stuff.  We're getting more.

Working hard

I'm still battling a nasty, mixed, depression.  It's been about a month now, but Doc wasn't worried when I told him. 

I could have another 5 months of this.  Shudder.  Horrible thought! 

You might think, "Heather, you're married to an active alcoholic.  Your business is doing badly.  Of course you are depressed."  Well, I'd be inclined to agree with you, but:

I have had some of my most exciting manias when Ron was at his absolute worst behavior.  I still had a thrilling time.  I had a wonderful mania when Ron was in horrible shape in the hospital.  So, I think my brain just has "seizures". 

That's medically warranted, actually - they have done studies.  Interestingly enough, both bipolar, and migraine sufferers, light up normally dormant areas of the brain, and normally active areas of the brain begin to dim.  That absolutely happens with seizures. 

That's one reason doctors began using seizure medication for bipolar disorder (I cur…

Work Around

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"They can't take away my dig-ni-tee!"  Remember that song? 

I will be a little mysterious because I don't want to shame Ron. 

Last night, I had some horrible hallucinations.  Have you ever watched a show where someone is invisible, and they show them moving around?  They look just like their surroundings, but the edges are distorted.  I had large blobs.  Then I had wavy, transparent arrows moving, distorting everything they passed. 

I was seriously freaked out.  I thought "I should probably go to the emergency room".  Then I thought about all the sick people in the waiting room, long ER waits, and then they would send me downtown to the emergency psychiatric center.  That would be a big hassle and very expensive. 

Then I thought, I can call Doc and ask if I can take another Haldol.  I decided to do that if the wierdness wasn't better in 15 minutes. 

It was kind of hard walking around, impossible to read, but I figured if Ron can do it totally blind…