Showing posts from July, 2013

Not a bad day

I don't feel manic, but Ron's been making his "Yaka-yaka" motormouth noise at me, the last couple days.  I've been getting a lot done, too. 

Torbie got into my bed last night and slept with me for hours.  It was great.  I sure love my kitty girls. 

Today we got up, went to work (our ride was very late but we still had plenty of time), did all the end of the month stuff, plus stocking.  I even took out the rolling dumpster. 

After work, we came home.  I checked the mail (almost impossible when depressed) finding Raquel Welch's autobiography.  Ron's really enjoying it.  I never know what Ron's ordered until I open the mailbox. 

I made a batch of laundry soap, kind of made a mess mixing, but happily washing soda and borax are no more dangerous than the soap flakes.  Since I had the detergent powder on the tile floor, I decided to sweep the house (I don't think I ever sweep when I'm depressed).  I did laundry.  Cooked my dinner.  You get the i…

Minus 4

Oh, I'm tired, so I'll keep it short. 

Ron and I ran a lot of errands today.  I found myself really hungry at Walmart, so I bought a can of vienna sausage and ate that.  It tastes pretty good when I'm hungry. 

We went home, I took a nap.  I didn't need as long a nap, which I find promising.  Either 1.  I'm getting manic (possible) or 2. low carb is reducing my fatigue. 

I was also down 4 pounds, from yesterday, and I made sure to stay hydrated.  I drank about 4 quarts of water just lying in bed last night. 

I also lost another inch off my waist.  Now, I know a lot of times it's glycogen being depleted, but it's still cool. 

After I got up, I mixed some essential oils into some warmed cocoa butter cream.  It smells nice and should help with stretch marks. 

I was so worried I might not lose this time.  I'm glad to see I was wrong. 

My eating one vegetable at every meal policy seems to help. 

We went to get Popeyes.  The store, in my opinion, is no…

Not hearing me lately

Well, I got my shower and my God Time today.  The rest of it sucked pretty massively. 

Ron was in his usual black mood.  It is really hard to stay positive - it's like being with a highly infectious flu patient - a supercarrier.  It is so hard to keep his negativity from infecting me. 

I woke up with a pretty bad headache which evolved into a migraine.  I'm still battling that. 

OK - this is going to be a huge pity party - the thing that bothers me the most about Ron.  No way around it.

So, I had to get the "Galaxy" order.  It has about 20 cases of bottled soda, 2 cases of bottled water, and over 12 cases of canned soda.  I was able to get the first two, but not the last; my sandwich guy called early. 

I got the sandwiches and stocked them.  Ron was being very negative and gloomy.  He was also being pretty rude to me and taking me for granted.  I don't expect him to throw rose petals in my path but it would be nice if he didn't bark at me. 


They seduced me

I'm in kind of a dark mood lately, thanks to the depression.  I warned you. 

I can't decide if it is ironic, pathetic, or just plain sad - underage girlfriends with adult men enrage me. 

But Heather, you may say, "You dated Ron when you were underage.  He was 37, you were 17 and well under the age of consent.  Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?"  Maybe. 

I'm not angry at Ron, although some might say I should be.  He knew I was under 18, the age of consent, in CA, in 1992.  He continued to take my phone calls (I always called the guy I was dating, they rarely called me - which is really sad).  He continued to meet me for our assignations.  He helped plan them. 

It's possible he manipulated and used me - more than possible, likely.  However, God can use all things for good and God is making a decent husband out of him. 

Everytime I hear a man talking about his underage girl, it's always the same thing "Oh, those girls look so old, I didn't…

Blind to see

It's never a good moment when Ron barks "Shut the 'F' up!" while we're riding home.

I had a pretty good day; Ron did not.  I'm starting to cycle manic, I think.  Ron woke up in a very bad mood, resentful he "had" to work. 

I bet a couple million people in America would love to "have" to work today; but he wouldn't receive it. 

I woke up pretty depressed.  I did my God Time later on (before I used the computer).  I did get my shower and put on my new perfume. 

Now, in its defense, it did travel during the hottest time of the year.  It smells great, but it doesn't stick!  It's very annoying!  I don't feel ripped off but I do feel frustrated.  I also have acidic skin, which is hard on perfumes, but I can wear plenty of other things. 

We went to the warehouse.  I got my merchandise, finally able to stock the snack machines.  When I got to work, they weren't as bad as I remembered.  I was glad of that, and I was abl…

Hip Hop Hero

What a day, what a day. 

Well, good news I am down a pound. 

I slept horribly and was awakened by awful screeching at 1:20 this morning.  I raced into the hall to find two tabby girls, intent on their playmate, the sparrow. 

How did a tabby cat get a sparrow at 1 in the morning?  I'm not sure I want to know. 

At any rate, I scooped up the poor, trembling thing and locked the cat door.  The whole time I held the bird, I was terrified it might try to make a jump for it and hurt itself, or worse, jump right into a cat.  The cats were very interested. 

I mananged to get out the front door and set the bird down in the flowerbed.  I got back in without releasing the cats. 

Alright.  It's 1:30 in the morning.  I'd set my alarm for 2, and our ride was due at 3:45.  I might as well get to my day. 

I did my God Time first.  I always worry the shower will wake Ron; even though he says it doesn't.  I took my shower.  I ate a little breakfast, but I was pretty queasy.  I was…

I share yet another mortifying moment

A couple of days ago, I sat down in a folding chair at Walmart.  I want a nice folding chair for my computer area; the wood folding chair wobbles when the my cat jumps on it to groom herself.   I don't want her to fall; and this chair looked perfect. 

Here it is:
I took one out of the bin, unfolded it, and sat down.  Imagine my horror as the chair broke underneath me.  The shock and profound humiliation as I tried to haul my fat self off the floor.  Ron kept asking me "What?  What?"  [facepalm]  I told him the chair broke. He didn't ask why, which may be the saddest line of all. 

I would have been happy to pay for the chair if it had a tag with a weight limit.  They had nothing, just a UPC code.   Last I checked (a week or two ago) I was 240. That shouldn't be a chair breaker, I'd think. 

Things are also more difficult in the shower.  I hate the shower now.  That's all I will say. 

Clothes, even the fat clothes, are getting a little tight.  Ugh. 


Do me good

Pretty tired and depressed.  I slept in today and had a heck of a time getting into the shower.  It's a good thing I had planned to go to the Dollar Store. 

Ron went to the liquor store by himself, came back with his beer about the time I finished my God Time.  Kind of funny, that. 

Last night I ordered some perfume oils.  They had a nice selection, "Dove soap type".  "Tangerine Spice" and various rose fragrances (which I adore).  I got a little of everything, spending about $20 total.  I even got Ron an "Old Spice Type" 1/6 ounce roll on.  He sounded a little interested when I told him. 

I don't spend a lot on perfume because I can get tired of the same fragrance every day.  Ron is pretty allergic, and has had horrible allergic reactions to various fragrances he could tolerate.  He seems to do better with essential oil based perfumes. 

I got some "Orange Blossom" last year, from another supplier I can't find anymore.  I believe …


This might be triggering for some folk. 

Here's a good snapshot:  I laid down for a nap and fell asleep almost immediately.  I was tired.  I then proceeded to have a nightmare: I was being chased by a "shooter".  Other people and I fled in terror.  I managed to get to a safe room; but was raped as my "price" - safety for me and the others. 

I woke up feeling completely traumatized and violated.  That, you see, is a typical depression nightmare.  I have them pretty much every time I sleep.  I don't usually remember them; just that I didn't sleep well, a general "bad dreams" feeling, exhausted when I get up. 

One of my internet friends told me she wished she could have my manias; she doesn't realize I pay dearly. 

I woke up, exhausted and depressed.  A bad feature of the Depakote: I have a more typical depression where it's very hard to get started in the morning.  I realized I didn't have the energy for a shower, but my legs wer…

The "Good" Christian

I once heard a story of a very wealthy man who lived like a pauper, hunted his own meat, and devoted all his money to Christian charities.  One time I helped do the taxes for a man who made over $100,000, and wanted to deduct a $5 expense for Girl Scout cookies. 

I have to think there's a happy medium; a place where I buy new socks and underwear, as needed (they were).  A place where I have my charity debits and Bible Handout expenses living together with the purchase of inexpensive perfumes and a name brand air freshener. 

I did need the garments.  Do I need some cheap roll on perfume?  No.  But I'll like it and it will make me happy for a very long time.  I got some about this time last year; some I liked, some I didn't.  It all cost about $20 and I found two very nice perfumes. 

Tomorrow I plan to make my deposit and then buy a few vials.  Some rose scents, and a tangerine spice. 

They sound lovely.

Photo shoot

I've been talking about how I "redid" the house.  I thought it might be fun to share some pictures, along with some cat photos. 

Torbie in a Priority Mail Flat Rate box.
Baby girl in Ron's wheelchair. 
 Baby Girl in "my" chair.  I used a $4 flat sheet from Walmart.  I already had the pillow, pillowcase, and sheepskin. 
 Front Room loveseat, right next to my chair.  $4 flat sheet - that's it. 
 I spent $13 on the computer room, flat sheet, pillow cases, and matching towel.  When you have messy people and vomiting cats, a towel or sheet is a very good idea. 
I hope you enjoyed your visit to my home.  :)

Bad Times

I don't talk much about my teen years; they were pretty awful. 

Sometimes something will take me by surprise and I'm triggered again.  Back in the bad place, in my head. 

It's a very dark and hopeless place; but I don't have to relive it or make you go through it to share.  I'm just back in a place with no hope, no justice, no joy.   Surrounded by darkness and evil. 

I "fall in" sometimes - not so much these days, as it has been over 20 years, but I still do on occasion.  I did today.   

The trick is climbing out again, and praying for those who did hurt me.  Hate gives the devil a foothold, and I don't want to be a hater. 

The last thing I would ever want, is to become what tortured me.  So I work very hard on that, too.

I won't.

Being depressed, I slept so late I had a headache.  I got up around 9.  I was spitting out my toothpaste when the doorbell rang twice. 

If you want to get my attention, ring it once.  I heard you.  Twice just tells me you're a [censored] insenstive [censored].  Unless, of course, my house is burning down or they just issued a tornado warning for the subdivision. 

I opened the door to find two very elderly ladies.  "I already know Jesus, thank you" I told them and shut the door.  I get very annoyed at the JW's. 

Not at their missionary zeal, which often spurs me to evangelism - I can be at least that bold, myself, after all.  It's the bigotry.  I never saw a JW when I lived in Crack-town.  Never. 

I never saw a Mormon, either.  No, after we move to the nice middle-class suburb, they show up like roaches. 

The Mormons stopped coming by.  I think Ron "broke" one of them with his talk.  If everything is made of atoms, is anything real?  We're all j…

The depression is fine, but I'm not.

Somedays, I really feel I'm lacking creativity.  Today is one of them. 

Battling depression; a hell of a fight.  Bad depression. 

However, I had plans.  I got up, took my shower, did my God Time.  Ron's legs are about healed, thank God.  He has horrific scars. 

I did get him some Vitamin E, but I don't know if he's taking it.  I have found it works better to give him vitamins, encourage him to put a braille label, and then leave it up to him. 

We agree we want to get him some Milk Thistle.  I worry a little about having it shipped, in the heat - won't that ruin the vitamins?  Hm. 

Ron has been going on A LOT about current events, race wars, ignorance in today's society - and I just can't take it.  He's going on right now. 

On top of the depression.  I told Ron I just wasn't up for it tonight.  He suggested I get my whistle. I did, and blew it. 

I'm going to start wearing it now.  Ron doesn't realize how much his existential stuff drag…

What a day

I woke up exhausted and depressed.  Ron was spouting an endless stream of "The usual" "Why won't God hurry up?  I hate current events.  Why won't God hurry up?"  I barely got my shower, and caregiving, before I left the house.  Sorry, God, we'll have to meet later.  [We did]

The cat threw up all over the back of my couch, right after I had removed the protective bedsheet (I always seem to have at least one puking cat in my household).  Agh. 

I didn't get my nap, more exhausted... but... I had a really good day. 

We went to the warehouse, got our supplies.  We went to work and stocked them.  I filled out the sales tax form, sealed the envelope, and realized, to my horror, I'd forgotten to include the check.  This time last year I included the check, but left the amount line blank.  We got a call from a special office in Austin (state capitol) about that.  Ron had to tell them I'm special. 

I managed to get the envelope open before the glue…

Bigger Fish

I know some of you are worried because I put personal information out on the web.  I am not worried about that. 

Why?  Because it is alarmingly easy to obtain all this information. 

One woman I know got a lot of personal data from an email.  She was able to find the person's home address, work, and phone number. 

One person I know had friended me on Facebook.  She put my whole name next to an internet moniker - "Houston Heather" and it was out on the web for almost a year before I found it by searching for myself.  I was horrified, but it had already been out there a year. 

If you search on "Houston Heather" you will quickly find Heather Boutte.  If you search on Heather Boutte in Houston - guess what, I'm the only one.  You can find my address pretty quickly anyway.  Why does it matter if I make it slightly easier, for a sponsor to ship Bibles to me? 

If you search Heather Boutte and my address you can find out all kinds of information on my home.  Hu…

Doomed to repeat it

Today, I wished I had "I hate myself for loving you" on my MP3 player. 


People worry about "some maniac" coming to my house and chopping me into little bits.  I don't worry about that at all. 

I worry about Ron having another blackout. 

You can imagine my alarm when he started up the old "Why won't you buy me beer, it's like water!"  I told him it was my policy not to buy him any beer. 

He wanted to know why.  He assumes it is because my mother was an alcoholic.  He is wrong. 

I made the policy, one night, in tears, sitting on the edge of my bed after the most hateful verbal abuse you can imagine.  He had a blackout drinking beer, and I had helped him buy it.  I kept kicking myself, "Heather, you stupid bitch, this is all your fault.  You buy him alcohol, he verbally abuses you.  What's it going to take for you to stop?"  I resolved, then and there, I would never buy him another drop of alcohol. 

You can imagine the…

Where do you get those Bibles?

Sometimes I get the question, how do I get the Bibles. Sometimes people want to help. 

I have a couple of suggestions.  Foolproof, even for the cynics out there: I put up a link, you buy the Bibles and ship them to me.  Guys seem to like this best (you'd think the women would want to shop, but nope, it's the men).  I end up with a nice box on the porch, which gets handed out shortly. 

Here's the link, you want "The Invitation" - These are the backbone of my Handouts.  40-50 cents each.  A little goes a long way (I love that) and they're pretty and the recipients love them.

Option 2: you call my local Lifeway and tell them you want to get me some "Invitations", they will do it over the phone and call me to come pick them up.  I know this works, a lady did this about a year and a half ago.  I got a phone call and a nice sack of 40, which didn't last long. 

They are open 9-…

I deserve a medal.

My next door neighbor, to the north of us, is a genuinely good guy.  He does have the odd, very loud, all night party.  His five kids make a lot of racket when I'd love a nap, but overall I would "keep" them, if it were up to me.  Importantly: they like the cats.  His wife told me Baby Girl was "cute" sitting on her car, when I yelled at the cat to get down. 

He is also a Christian.  I'm not sure for how long, but after my home was robbed in December he mentioned he was saved, to some guys from the church.  That's good to know.  I have been praying for him and his family (along with all the other neighbors) every day for years. 

I had to get up at 4 AM for work.  I take my shower, do my God time, get dressed, eat, and help Ron.  Not always in that order.  I look forward to the day when I can stop cleaning the diabetic ulcers on his legs.  I am very tired of that - it's been months. 

[sigh]  So, last night, I went to bed "late", about 9 …

Do I stay or do I go?

I never see myself as a teacher but I thought I would share my thoughts on the subject. 

What does a Christian woman do when he husband tells her not to do evangelism?  I've had that problem for over 3 years now. 

In fact, on my first Bible Handout I just went out while he was sleeping, did it, and then came back and told him.  He made it pretty clear he'd "forbid" it if he could. 

Years ago, Christian culture had the whole "submissive wife" culture.  The woman was to defer to her husband in all things, never criticize him, and obey him at all times.  They'd be horrified to find out I have consistently "disobeyed" and "flaunted" my husband with my continued distribution. 

Why do I think I'm doing the right thing?  Shouldn't I defer to my husband? 

Well, the answer is complex.  My husband is the spritual head of household, but we are at very different levels of spiritual development.  He's progressing but he himself s…

I'll always live on a bus line

I've never been able to drive.  Brain damage, "crazy" and some potent medication ensure it.  As a small child, I rode the school bus.  As I got older, I walked or rode my bike to school. 

My husband introduced me to the bus.  "You just get on, pay your fare, and sit down.  When you get to the stop you ring the bell and get off.  Say thank you to the driver." 

My special education program had planned to teach me how to ride the bus.  Ugh.  I have problems, but not that bad.  They were furious I figured it out on my own. 

I loved living on the bus line.  I rode to the mall, rode to work, and rode to dates with my future husband.  I was independent. 

When I eloped, we lived on a bus line.  He was blind and couldn't drive.  We'd walk a half mile or so to the bus stop, climb aboard, and go anywhere.  We went to San Francisco.  We went to Oakland.  I went "home" to visit a few times.  All on the bus. 

Any travel involved the bus, unless we walk…

Another Ghetto Handout and a $5 Pizza

I stood next to the older black man, sharing my testimony as he held a new Bible, both of us listening to someone shouting into a megaphone.  It didn't sound loving. 

"Don't go to the ghetto" they said "They'll be riots.  You'll get raped, beaten, and killed."  Well, they were wrong.  I think the man was actually a little embarassed by the shouter. 

I wasn't worried, though.  He was in a storefront, off the streets, with only a few cars parked out front.  A few, nice cars.  Ironic, considering the neighborhood.  When distributing, I always have at least one recipient with a duct-taped car window because the automatic motor died and the glass is sagging. 

That was as bad as it got.  We got up, had a late pickup for church, but got there just in time. 

A lady at church may be able to provide a ride for us, which would be great.  I never turn down rides. 

Speaking of, since Ron opted out - convinced it would be dangerous - I had to take the bu…

Don't mess with Texas

No bites on the craft stuff yet.  I remain hopeful.  I may get all my craft stuff together, lace yarn, acrylic yarn, wool worsted yarn, etc. and put it in one huge bundle for $50.  We'll see. 

I do like the idea of a foot massage.  I got my nails done for my wedding, actually, I was taken to have my nails done (I picked a lavender polish), but never before or since.  It was nice but not my thing. 

I work on my feet; so it might be nice.  I might get a foot massage and hate it but I'd like to check it out. 

So, craft stuff moving out. 

Got up this morning, did my God Time.  I didn't have the energy for a shower and I looked fine.  A little work with a washcloth and I was good to go. 

We went to the pet store and got the girls their Blue Wilderness Chicken cat food.  Five pounds, which seems to last them about a month.  Ron also got 5 bags of cat treats.  I think he is too lavish but the girls love it. 

Baby Girl continues to sleep near my headboard.  We had a good tim…
Computer acting up


I put tons of craft stuff on Craigslist tonight. 

Now, normally that might be cause for alarm.  Heather is depressed.  She is selling her things.  Oh no! 

Nope, nothing like that.  I just realized I haven't used my spinning stuff in years, and I most likely will not, especially with an active kitten in my household. 

On a side note, I just spent a good 5 minutes playing "jump" - her favorite game.  I swing the teaser high in the air and she jumps, catches it, and chews on it for a few seconds.  Then we repeat.  I praise her every time she catches it.  She has also spent hours sleeping near my head lately.  I have some boxes stacked at my headboard. 

I decided, anyway, to sell or barter the stuff.  I would much rather get a used treadmill (I spent over $300 on this stuff) or some homemade soap, maybe a handmade wrap or something... something I will use and enjoy, than just have stuff piled up and accumulating. 

I had decided to do this before Ron got a hoarder book f…

She does

I misunderstood our pickup time and had to take Ron to the doctor without my shower.  I didn't look awful but I felt icky. 

My foot was killing me as I walked.  We got Ron in there and I had to fill out a really long and intrusive form I am pretty sure is government related.  I put Ron down as "More than one race" (race questions always seem to indicate a government bent). 

He got into see the doctor and some questions came up: "Who helps you walk?" She does.  "How do you get around in the wheelchair?"  She pushes me.  It continued. 

The doctor finally asked "Who is she?"  I held up my hand.  "His wife".  Oh, OK.  He gave Ron a good lecture about continuing healthy eating habits and examined his legs.  He seemed pretty pleased. 

He mentioned if the blisters continue, he may need to put Ron on a long term antibiotic therapy.  Yike.  Other than that he was pretty happy with the blood tests, and said Ron's AIC level was excell…

Antidepressants: not good for toes

A nice quiet day, pretty much. 

Slept in.  Quality time with Ron.  His legs are looking great.  Trimmed his beard.  Laundry. 

Went to the bookstore and got more Bibles (not as many as I'd like, but enough to keep me busy for a bit).  Got McDonald's. 

Ron ate some fries and had me check his sugars.  They spiked but came down quick. 

Came home, nap.  Woke up and did my God Time because I didn't do it earlier. 

Computer time.  Battling depression. 

Got up for a drink and fell over the exercise bike, pretty sure I broke my ring toe.  Ow. 

Good thing I still have the arnica salve.  Ow. 

Antidepressants: good for depression.  Not good for toes.  I have broken a total of 3 toes.  All while taking antidepressants. 

I just run into, and fall over things. 


Tired, so I did a video blog


You will need a little background for this one. 

Scroll down until I get to the guy at work

The guy found us on Friday, and was bragging he had been assigned to our area.  He had painted a small break room (the same color) and kept wanting me to admire it, acting like he had done me a personal favor. 

Today Ron gave me a great comeback "Oh, you did your job!"  Trust me, for this guy that is a big deal. 

He gives me the chills.  He doesn't understand boundaries. 

If he does come to work in our area, I will have a talk with him, with  Ron and another employee as witnesses, and lay a few things out. 

1.  Don't follow me into hallways or stockrooms. 
2.  Stay at least 3 feet away from me at all times. 
3.  If you have a question about the vending machines, talk to Ron. 
4.  I am here to work, not to talk. 

Ron will put this on his digital recorder.  Basically me telling him to leave me al…

Trouble getting them to pay!

I love to watch crime dramas.  I try to avoid ones with a lot of sexual content or other immorality.  I was happy when one character was removed from a show after murdering a suspected rapist.  She set a trap for him and killed him. 

Anyway, they always have the autopsy scene (you can tell I'm depressed) where the coroner goes over the body and says "I found bruises on her thigh". 

I always think, if I die mysteriously, Ron might be in trouble.  I have a spectacular bruise on my left thigh and NO idea how I got it.  I bang my legs a lot at work, I run into or fall over carts.  This one looks like I fell over the wheelchair.  At home, I run into walls and furniture on a regular basis.  Last year I broke a toe running into my couch. 

At this level, and quantity of medication, I'm always sporting a bruise.  I'm OK with that but I do wonder what the professionals would think. 

I am vain enough to hope I would have ideal lithium blood levels, upon testing.  I know…

Makes me stronger

Sometimes, an almost day off is worse than the delivery days when I have to unload 2 pallets of soda. 

As you know, I am battling a depression.  My husband is battling diabetes.  This morning he woke up with yet more diabetic blisters.  Here's a link.  They are really uncommon, etc. 

In Ron's case, they almost always break open and form ulcers.  I will not put up a link because they always have horrid photos.  Then the ulcers get infected! 

We have had two rounds of this, a third rogue blister that stayed closed, two rounds of antibiotics.  It's been awful for me and him. 

I have to peroxide and put antibiotic ointment, taking care to use a fresh q-tip or cotton pad on every ulcer to prevent cross contamination.  See, if Ron has a badly infected ulcer, and I apply ointment to it, then use the same applicator to an uninfected blister, I'll spread the infection. 

I feel a lot of pressure on this, as a caregiver …