Showing posts from January, 2012

Have me this way

Pretty tired today, but not depressed.  I think I WOULD be manic, but for medication.

I just don't get those buttheads who say no one should ever take psychiatric medication.  I am certain, sleep aids and anti anxiety drugs are vastly abused and over-used.  People who don't need them, take them, and people who could benefit, over use them.

But take someone like me.  How many blogs have I typed?  "Medication gave me a life I didn't know I could have"?  "I don't care about the side effects, because my husband likes to spend time with me"?  "I don't want to die anymore, isn't it great?"  Or my personal favorite: "I never knew how about the noise in my head, until medication turned it off".

But does Ron feel the same?  Today, at the bank, I had to make a deposit.  I couldn't fill out the deposit slip.  The teller had gotten an attitude when I did my usual "Shove the bank statement with account number along with th…

It's nice to be appreciated

Last night, Ron and I stayed up late watching a romantic comedy.  "Flipped"  It was very cute, and ran very late for us.  
See, we had to get up at 3.  Not an auspicious start, when Ron wakes me up at 3.  My alarm, didn't.  
I had enough time to eat, shower, pill, and dress.  Off to work.  We had a new driver.  I hope she does better.  
I felt safe, just a little frustrated; and I hope it didn't show too much.  
We had a lot to do:  it's the end of the month.  Meter readings, pull bills, pull change.  Receive 3 deliveries. Report all totals to Ron, help him stock.  Tally the money and report total to Ron.  Get paid.  Exchange rolls of quarters for "real" money at credit union, fix naughty vending machine.  Talk to other vendor.  Pay not one, but three property tax things.  
School  Utility district County  
It was highly depressing to conclude we could never sell the house, the deferred property taxes are probably 5 thousand by now.  I had to remind myself  to …

I try to drink more water...

Every now and then, I'm struck with a moment that makes me realize, this could only come from my life.

Last night Ron came out of his bedroom.  He had been watching TV, a program about water treatment plants.

I, trying to be a Good Patient, was drinking sugar free lemonade instead of my usual soda.

Ron began his discourse by telling me about the various steps used by the water treatment plants.  As he finished, he said:

"Heather, it's so odd to think, we are drinking other people's urine, every time we have a glass of water."  I gagged.  "Isn't that weird?  Urine."  I gagged again.

Ron is blind, he didn't know what I was drinking.

"So, Heather, which would be worse in your eyes?  Drinking urine from a man or urine from a woman?"  I gagged again.

"Ron!  I'm drinking lemonade!"

He was very apologetic.  I should have told him.  When, I asked.  I didn't know he was going to go to urine, from water treatment.

He th…

Nothing to see

I love disaster fiction and movies.  If I have a few idle hours, I'd love to spend it with a massive volcano, earthquake, bioterror, EMP, zombies, etc.

One common theme in the disaster fiction, humanity pulls together and saves itself.  It makes wonderful art.

Don't get me wrong, we are capable of tremendous self-sacrifice and acts of amazing courage.  But collaterally, we suck.

So, as I watch the noble ending scene, some poor bastard has just sacrificed himself to save the entire planet (sometimes the Sci-fi movies let him or her live); the noble theme builds, and humanity rises to its' collective feet in joy and celebration.  We saved ourselves.

And I sob like a baby because I know better.  We CANNOT save ourselves.

You may think, "Heather, you're a born-again Christian.  You're evangelical.  You pray for the guy who mugged you.  Don't you think more of humanity?"

No, I don't.  I love people, those who are saved and the unreached.  I want …

Better than nothing

I set up my cell phone camera to send videos to Youtube.  I do have a file size limit, though.

Worst case I can install the webcam to the old computer and do it the way I used to.

Who knew video blogs would be such a PITA?

I don't know about you, but when someone makes a mistake it is easy to laugh.  The hard part, is not laughing in the person's face.  
Ron got new speakers today with a rebate card.  I was fine with that.  "As long as the bills get paid" - my exact comment.  
Setting them up is somewhat more complicated, apparently, but not as bad as a video blog!  AGH!  
Let's try this.  New technology = migraines.  
That didn't work.  [scream of frustration]
The worst part, for me, people always want to TELL me how to make it go.  I have a learning disability!  Write it!  
Anyway, onto something I can do.  
As I've been getting my lithium levels up, it's almost like I"m getting sicker.  Maybe my levels were so low I didn't have energy for any emotion.  [shrug]  Kind of hard for me to say; but as I've been getting the levels up, MORE depression, MORE irritability; more hassles.  
Today, more groggy!  I was horribly depressed this morning, but crawled out of that.…

I would have liked a hero

When McCain first ran in 2000, I liked him.  I was upset he lost the nomination.

I had no trouble voting for him in 2008; even though it was mostly an "against obama" vote.  However, if some other democrat had run I still would have voted for McCain.

This time around, I've been really disappointed.  As a born-again-evangelical; I have problems with a Mormon president (although I admire a few tenets of their faith: no alcohol, have a disaster kit, family values).

I won't get into my gripes with Gingrich; suffice to say they are MANY.  I don't feel I can respect him or trust him as a leader.

Here we are: I didn't get a hero.  I didn't get a candidate I would trust with the nuke button.  I didn't get a candidate I feel loves God.  I got a "Well, he's better than obama"

I'm sorry, I'm not voting an "Against Obama" ticket.  Does that mean I'm voting Obama?  No.  He puts my hackles up, but I've been saying that f…


OH, I was horrified.

I had been getting impatient to get my blood test results.  Imagine my horror when I opened the email and saw:  the optimal level for lithium is .6 to 1.something.  That's not bad.

What is unspeakable: my lithium level was only .1.  That's right - 15% of ideal!  OH!  I was so aghast I had to check it several times.

I am so uptight about taking my pills.  If I miss a dose, I get really upset.  The rare times I've missed more than one dose, due to migraines, I had nightmares.  

Of course, once I came to terms with my horrible lithium level, I had some aha moments.  No wonder I am suffering from a horrible mixed depression.  No wonder I feel so hopeless.

No wonder I spent hours online, looking at strange things I'd normally never consider, and had a hard time getting certain thoughts out of my head.

Oh, how dreadful.  Hm.  How many negative adjectives can I cram into one post?

Then I had a look at the rest of the tests.  Pretty normal.  Happily…

Shorty Patrol

Boy, I'm beat.

Last night I waited too long to take my PM stuff and got pretty depressed.  I had no energy.

Finally went to bed, got some sleep.  Some barking, though.

"Cuddles" the pit bull (one owned by ignorant, fearful, people and trained to be aggressive) is in heat, and a small male Chihuahua was sniffing around.  We named him Shorty.  He's been around for a few days now.

Bubba caught me trying to coax him over and was very upset (Bubba the black cat in the slideshow).  However, the poor little guy has been running around for days.  I'm sure he's hungry.

So, I got out the dog bones and broke one up, in the front yard.  I put a couple more by the chair on the porch.  When we got home today, only crumbs.  I sure hope Shorty ate it.  Maybe the cat.

Speaking of, we filled up both food bowls and his very large water bowl (holds about 2 gallons) for Bubba.  He was so happy to see the spread, he scent-marked them.  It's awfully cute to watch him rub …

I still love you, Heidi!

Ok, I'm back online.

I felt it was important to protest the "Piracy" acts, which are a huge erosion of free speech and civil liberties.  I'm no pirate but they went way too far with these bills.

Today was pretty crazy, but we got Ron his computer back, my old computer as his backup, and Mom's old laptop as my main.  I like our computer guy, but I sure hope we don't see him for a while!

We also went to Walmart and got my pills.  Ron wanted some more spaghetti rings with meatballs.

Yesterday, I went to the sporting goods store and got myself a dutch oven.  They are far cheaper at the sporting goods store (about half of Walmart's price).

Before that, I went to a walk in lab and got my blood test.  I have bad veins.  I was "very dehydrated" and they had to make 2 attempts.  I am curious to see my results.  They should be emailed and mailed.

I haven't heard anything yet but I'm not worried.  I'm not a "mean woman", or havi…

No blog tomorrow!

Ron's computer is dead, so this CPU will be converted to his computer tomorrow. 

I have an older laptop my parents gave me, I'll be using that. 


I love you all, and pray for you daily!

Shoot the Tacos

Boy, I've been tired. 

Saturday: Walmart, home.  Nap.  Taco Bell.  Home.  One of my drivers was sick, coughing a lot.  I think I might be fighting that off.  I cleaned up the pantry and got rid of bad codes - replaced it.  Put in my prescription refill. 

Sunday: Tired, slept in.  Finally got up, went to a feed store.  Got some buckwheat and field peas (finally!).  I also got some seeds.  I got pretty dizzy waiting at the bus stop and it wasn't hot.  What was it?  God only knows.  When I got home I took a nap, watched some TV.  When I got to bed I slept really poorly but God honored my request to "give me a good quality of sleep". 

Monday:  Got up at 3 AM, got ready, went to work.  Did my God Time.  I'm always really pleased when I get up early after a bad night and do my God Time.  We got our pastry delivery.  The other vendor was sick all weekend.  I believe one reason I may be so tired these last couple days: fighting things off!  The other vendors fired the …

"Your call is very important to us"

Pretty tired today, but not really depressed. 

Ron is having computer problems - with Excel.  Oh.  It's been dreadful, many calls to tech support, etc.  Tomorrow we take it to the doc, before work. 

Ron filed a compliment on the main person who helped us, I thought that was very considerate. 

Today we went to Foodtown, worked on the computer.  Then I cleaned up the pantry and a closet and rotated my canned food.  Put the older tuna where I will eat it first, and got rid of some scary old cans.  I was glad I did it. 

Then I read some samples and and bought a couple of Kindle books (spent about $10).  Later on, I got some vitamins online.  I am going to try a Boswellia/Curcurmin formula for Ron's arthritis.  It's pretty bad in his left hand. 

Ron and I figured out how we would plan our day tomorrow.  We have to call in Friday trips on Thursday or we won't go anywhere. 

I took a nap, a pretty long one.  It was miserably cold and hideous outside, at least to me.  40&…

Some quick thoughts on Tim Tebow

He's rich.  He's famous.  Everyone loves him. 

I sure don't envy him!  Times like that are when the Devil loves to attack; via pride.  I am sure he has thousands of women just waiting to get him naked, too - a million ways to fall. 

I am praying for him; I hope he can remain strong, and humble, in the face of all the fame, fortune, and applause.

A crazy couple days, and setting a boundary

It's been a crazy couple days.  Monday we had torrential rains, and a very weird driver on the way home. 

I wonder if he realized how awful he acted, he was incredibly defensive and angry about missing the driveway.  I said "I guess you didn't see me waving" and he said "Oh, I saw you, but...[excuses]"  He felt the pickup had to conform to his understanding of things, instead of reading the very clear trip notes and driving towards me as I waved.  I OUGHT to have been at the more visible parking lot.  They OUGHT to have connected.  Ron OUGHT to have been outside with me, getting soaked, instead of in the building warm and dry until grumpy figured things out. 

For me, when I get a driver like this, I'm always scared.  If someone lacks the common sense to look for the driveway marked "employee entrance", driving up and down past said entrance several times, when I'm waving, it's in the trip notes, and Ron's cell is also listed for …

Keep me useful

It's interesting, in some ways being a homeowner causes me more stress.  Taxes, repairs, and I'm a lot more territorial. 

Example: when I lived in an all bills paid apartment I didn't care about anything outside the walls.  My only concern; my 4 rooms.  I didn't care who'd parked where, people making noise on the walkway outside the apartment, or anything except people looking in my windows. 

Last night, the neighbor's friend had parked partly in front of my house, blocking driveway access and forcing Ron to stagger up the driveway.  Today, someone on the other side has parked in front of my house, on the street.  The kids were outside my bedroom (we have a zero-property line), making god-awful thumping noises (against my wall) and screaming at the top of their lungs. 

I can be very territorial, and God's shown me I need to work on this.  I was looking out the window at the SUV in front of my house, thinking "Why"? 

A little background:  growi…

I can turn it off.

Whew.  I'm pretty beat. 

I left you on Friday.  Friday night all my neighbors had parties, lasting late.  I couldn't figure out why. 

Saturday, the Texans (home team) had a playoff game.  AH!  They won, too. 

That explained the parties.  It also meant, and I lay in bed laughing at myself over this: I would be far to exhausted to stress out over the anniversary of Ron's accident. 

I got up at 4 AM.  Then I went to the store, work, home, other location, food place, pet store (more birdseed), and Starbucks.  By the time I got home, I was exhausted. 

I was also pretty anxious about getting enough sleep.  It's sad, I wonder sometimes if I would be helped by an antianxiety drug; but I hear they are very addictive.  I am not willing to take the chance. 

I was pretty anxious and a feeling a little hostile towards the neighbors.  It does not take much to "break" my mood, I'm ashamed to admit. 

I was feeling very petty and vengeful  Friday morning, when we h…

Horrible Burp

Ron kept me pretty busy this afternoon.  I told him once it helps me keep my mind of depression. 

He said all the nice things I like to hear, too.  I thought it was cute when he had me playing love songs on YouTube and told me "this one makes me think of you". 

I got my cover crop seeds - I can get them planted this weekend, more busy, and good. 

Tomorrow we have a lot planned; good.  I should be OK by then. 

I just had a horrible burp of depression.  Ugh. 

Please God, I'm ready for a mania now.  Love, Heather.

Where is my lithium?

I made a mistake filling up my medication days of the week organizer.  Bad days.  I fixed it now, and figured out how to fix it in the future, examine each tablet in my hand before just gulping.

"Where is my lithium?  Where is my antidepressant?"  It's compounded by the fact I take vitamins; it's a big handful!  Just took it, 3 vitamins, 4 herbal supplements, and the two prescriptions.  Plus I have to take it with food. 

Oh, please, NEVER take lithium on an empty stomach.  I got the worst pains - like I was being eviscerated.  Horrible. 

Anyway, if I thought I was depressed LAST week - [scoff] - well, it's a lot worse.  I just feel completely lost and hopeless. 

A large part of that is the medication, and the rest is due to Accident Day.  Link  Yup, it's tomorrow. 

I never really felt we got justice.  Alarmingly, the guy who ran over Ron is back on his Powered Industrial Truck.  He truly frightens me when he's on that thing - he's not safe.  He is…

There's a worm in my garden

Since I have a wooden privacy fence, I tend to take a very easy approach to my backyard.  I let the leaves lay where they fall.  I let the grass get a little longer, and I leave the clippings in place.  I've done this for years. 

The only chemical I use is fire ant bait.  Other than that, I'm all organic. 

Ron recently gave me "permission"  to dig up a new garden bed out back.  I got some emerald edging - boy, that stuff is great - my spading fork, and went to work. 

I quickly realized 2 things:  1.  The soil was fantastic, lots of organic matter  and 2.  Lots of worms, and I was hurting them.  My heart just breaks for a poor, bleeding, worm. 

One of the worst days in my garden, the day I accidentally stabbed a toad with my spading fork.  I feel horrible about that. 

I had grazed one of the worms, it wasn't mortal but it was clearly unhappy.  My usual "dig it deep and fork it over" plan wouldn't work. 

Besides, the soil looked great - lots of …

She could probably get away with killing you

It's interesting: I can completely understand the hows and why's of something, expect it, even, and still be upset.

Today I woke up with the ongoing horrible headache. Sugar withdrawal. I went to work with Ron.

My job involves a fair amount of heavy lifting. I did the absolute necessities and realized my headache was getting a lot worse.

One time I went to work with a migraine, it evolved, and I ended up vomiting in a bucket all the way home. Ron yelled at me for "embarrassing" him and told me to never work like that again.   I got a lot more empathy from the driver. 

I realized the bending-over-and-picking-things-up was going to be a killer, and if I had to do much more lifting I would end up vomiting. So, I told Ron, "I can't do any more lifting" and explained why.

He launched into a big tirade about how I'm "so sickly" - I haven't had a sick day in YEARS.  My last sick time?  2006.  3 days.  The flu.  How he needs someone "…

Sugar Detox

Ron and I had fun doing the firecrackers. 

I stopped buying sugary, processed, junk.  It's funny.  When I eat something that spikes my blood sugar, I get a headache the next day. 

Yet, when I cut out all the processed crap (most of it), and avoid sugar, guess what?  I get a headache.  Happily my "Headache Relief Formula" tablets are cheap. 

So, whining: headache for days now.  Detoxing from the sugar.  I'm eating headache pills every 5 hours. 

Good news: down 2 pounds already.  I am, currently, at my all-time high, but I'm taking the steps I need to get healthy.  Once I'm effectively off the sugar, I'll have a much better time. 

You can check out my food log - I'm going to be posting my food and activities every day.  About the closest I plan to get to sugar; stocking the vending machine, and finally growing a sugar beet.  I have wanted to do that for years, but always felt vaguely embarrassed about it. 

Why not?  I have heard they can be cooked…