Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Have me this way

Pretty tired today, but not depressed.  I think I WOULD be manic, but for medication.

I just don't get those buttheads who say no one should ever take psychiatric medication.  I am certain, sleep aids and anti anxiety drugs are vastly abused and over-used.  People who don't need them, take them, and people who could benefit, over use them.

But take someone like me.  How many blogs have I typed?  "Medication gave me a life I didn't know I could have"?  "I don't care about the side effects, because my husband likes to spend time with me"?  "I don't want to die anymore, isn't it great?"  Or my personal favorite: "I never knew how about the noise in my head, until medication turned it off".

But does Ron feel the same?  Today, at the bank, I had to make a deposit.  I couldn't fill out the deposit slip.  The teller had gotten an attitude when I did my usual "Shove the bank statement with account number along with the deposit, through the window" routine.  Said I HAD to fill out a slip.  After watching me attempt same, she "let" me do it the regular way.

Had she been really ugly, and I wanted to make a point, I could have asked for a manager and requested it as a reasonable accommodation for a disability.  "Livin' in America"

Anyway, I notice a - lack.  My thinking isn't clear, I have a hard time articulating and finding words, and I'm needing that nap every day.  So, I asked Ron, and he said he'd much rather have me this way.

The most telling fact, to me, is the fact that he's choosing to spend more time with me.  Instead of hiding in his room, he comes out, sits in his wheelchair, and talks.  We watched a show about spicy foods tonight, and I fixed him a quesadilla with red pepper flakes.

Happily, before he came to visit, I had enough energy and motivation (mania!) to attempt some housecleaning.  I have a hard time with it due to the brain damage.  I have a hard time figuring out what needs to happen, and how to make it happen.  I ask God for help.

At any rate, I got most of the tile swept, and mopped the kitchen.  I really love tile floors.  They are very easy to clean.

Today we ran a couple of errands, Ron "Came with" on paratransit.  It rained most of the day, at times quite hard, so I was glad of it.  We went to Home Depot, looked around.  I got a nice pocketknife for $5.  We went home and then went to the bank/grocery.

Boy, I hate that grocery.  The only reason I spent any money:  BBQ Vienna sausage, and Dr Pepper were on sale, and some of the Dr Pepper had dust - which means a horribly flat beverage.  They're so bad even I can't drink them.  I was happy to get out.  We got Ron something at Radio Shack; and also got him a fried chicken special.

Speaking of, I had an interesting encounter today.  A driver we know came to get us.  She hadn't seen me in over a year.

The first words out of her mouth as I got in: "You got fat!"

I just looked at her.  I know the script was SUPPOSED to have me getting defensive, denying it, and making excuses.

I just looked at her and said "Yup" .  She gaped at me.

"You got fat!  Did you notice?"


I was supposed to be upset, making excuses.  Maybe even crying a little.  Probably supposed to be angry, too.  I'm sure most would have; but that would have been playing the game.

That's the nice thing about having medication on board.  I don't have to run around, reacting to everything.

I don't play games.  She just started at me for a minute as I took out a Diet Dr Pepper and drank.

"Why did you get fat again?"  Oh, the things I could have said.

"I ate the wrong things".

And I took another drink.  I wasn't any fun at all.  She dropped it.

Like I told Ron, "Some, ignorant, people like to play the 'I'm better than you' game.  They want to make critical, 'helpful' comments.  They want to judge and condemn.  They WANT me to get upset when they make rude comments about my weight.  If I just agree with them it stops the game."

I also told Ron I delayed getting off sugar due to obligations; he needed my help with a lot of various things the last few weeks.  I should be able to cut out the sugar now, have a horrible detox (I always have a horrible time), and get back to lower-carb eating.

I am not happy with my current look.

Monday, January 30, 2012

It's nice to be appreciated

Last night, Ron and I stayed up late watching a romantic comedy.  "Flipped"  It was very cute, and ran very late for us.  

See, we had to get up at 3.  Not an auspicious start, when Ron wakes me up at 3.  My alarm, didn't.  

I had enough time to eat, shower, pill, and dress.  Off to work.  We had a new driver.  I hope she does better.  

I felt safe, just a little frustrated; and I hope it didn't show too much.  

We had a lot to do:  it's the end of the month.  Meter readings, pull bills, pull change.  Receive 3 deliveries. Report all totals to Ron, help him stock.  Tally the money and report total to Ron.  Get paid.  Exchange rolls of quarters for "real" money at credit union, fix naughty vending machine.  Talk to other vendor.  Pay not one, but three property tax things.  

Utility district

It was highly depressing to conclude we could never sell the house, the deferred property taxes are probably 5 thousand by now.  I had to remind myself  to turn it over to Jesus.  I managed to clear myself up before Ron noticed.  

Yay for medication; and my faith.  Ron was really appreciative all day.  "Oh, you're such a big help".  "I couldn't do any of this without your help"  "Take a foot break!"  

I love that; it's the gas that keeps me going.  I don't mind running around all day, if I know it's appreciated.  

I do find it funny.  When I worked retail I used to be a real brat about getting my breaks and lunches.  Now, I'm lucky to sit down for 5 minutes.  [snort]  Self employed means I don't get a lunch.  

After work, we went to the bank and deposited what we had (not much).  We went to the mall and got some lunch.  I had a chicken thing, with bacon on it.  It was OK except for the sauce.  We had a pretty good ride home.  

By this point, we've been up for over 10 hours on inadequate sleep.  Nap time.  

Ron's still out.  

Saturday, January 28, 2012

I try to drink more water...

Every now and then, I'm struck with a moment that makes me realize, this could only come from my life.

Last night Ron came out of his bedroom.  He had been watching TV, a program about water treatment plants.

I, trying to be a Good Patient, was drinking sugar free lemonade instead of my usual soda.

Ron began his discourse by telling me about the various steps used by the water treatment plants.  As he finished, he said:

"Heather, it's so odd to think, we are drinking other people's urine, every time we have a glass of water."  I gagged.  "Isn't that weird?  Urine."  I gagged again.

Ron is blind, he didn't know what I was drinking.

"So, Heather, which would be worse in your eyes?  Drinking urine from a man or urine from a woman?"  I gagged again.

"Ron!  I'm drinking lemonade!"

He was very apologetic.  I should have told him.  When, I asked.  I didn't know he was going to go to urine, from water treatment.

He thought about it for a moment.  "You're right.  I'm sorry."

I then informed him this was going in the blog.


Nothing to see

I love disaster fiction and movies.  If I have a few idle hours, I'd love to spend it with a massive volcano, earthquake, bioterror, EMP, zombies, etc.

One common theme in the disaster fiction, humanity pulls together and saves itself.  It makes wonderful art.

Don't get me wrong, we are capable of tremendous self-sacrifice and acts of amazing courage.  But collaterally, we suck.

So, as I watch the noble ending scene, some poor bastard has just sacrificed himself to save the entire planet (sometimes the Sci-fi movies let him or her live); the noble theme builds, and humanity rises to its' collective feet in joy and celebration.  We saved ourselves.

And I sob like a baby because I know better.  We CANNOT save ourselves.

You may think, "Heather, you're a born-again Christian.  You're evangelical.  You pray for the guy who mugged you.  Don't you think more of humanity?"

No, I don't.  I love people, those who are saved and the unreached.  I want to reach the latter group and impart my faith to them.  Ron and I have put ourselves at risk, more than once, to help others.  God knows what we did.

Humanity as a whole?  [scoff]  Move along, nothing to see.  Ron's been ranting all night about a chemical spill cover-up.  Kids are neurologically damaged and most likely will never recover.  He's furious and distraught.  I heard him talking to God and it was pretty heated.

Ron recently read a book about EMP.  Fiction.  "The Moment After" I think.

"Heather" he told me "All a terrorist would have to do is trigger an EMP.  We would destroy ourselves."  He's right.  I agree completely.  I have seen enough incidents of mob mentality to confirm his diagnosis.

Take a blizzard, for instance.  I grew up on the East Coast.  We had some horrible blizzards growing up; and one thing they always featured - the grocery store runs.  People literally stampeding into the grocery store to stock up.  The same thing happens in hurricane country when a big one is coming.

People don't prepare in advance, then they wonder why the government won't save them.  Sorry, they're busy stopping the looters - the people who didn't "need" a disaster kit and went looting after they ran out of food.

Even now, the government is telling people to have at least 2 week's worth of food, just in case.  www.ready.gov has a whole checklist.  I would love to do an audit of my subdivision and find out just how many people have that.

I don't even watch the news, I get so nauseated.  Humanity as a whole, sucks.  Rodents take better care of their young.  We have nothing to redeem ourselves.  I don't know why God loves us.

I wouldn't love us if I were God.

Here's my other favorite; talk about Jesus and salvation and watch how angry they get.  I tell people, if you see anything good in me, that's God.  Anything ugly - that's me.

God takes us out of ourselves and makes us a lot better than we ever could be, otherwise.  I can't wait to get raptured.  The way things are, I have to assume it could be any minute.

When I do my God Time, Ron always says the same thing:

"Tell Him to hurry up" (and rapture us).

Hurry up.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Better than nothing

I set up my cell phone camera to send videos to Youtube.  I do have a file size limit, though.

Worst case I can install the webcam to the old computer and do it the way I used to.


Who knew video blogs would be such a PITA?

I don't know about you, but when someone makes a mistake it is easy to laugh.  The hard part, is not laughing in the person's face.  

Ron got new speakers today with a rebate card.  I was fine with that.  "As long as the bills get paid" - my exact comment.  

Setting them up is somewhat more complicated, apparently, but not as bad as a video blog!  AGH!  

Let's try this.  New technology = migraines.  

That didn't work.  [scream of frustration]

The worst part, for me, people always want to TELL me how to make it go.  I have a learning disability!  Write it!  

Anyway, onto something I can do.  

As I've been getting my lithium levels up, it's almost like I"m getting sicker.  Maybe my levels were so low I didn't have energy for any emotion.  [shrug]  Kind of hard for me to say; but as I've been getting the levels up, MORE depression, MORE irritability; more hassles.  

Today, more groggy!  I was horribly depressed this morning, but crawled out of that.  Got a shower and did some time in the garden, making the video I apparently cannot upload.  AGH.  I have a couple more ideas, though.  

About all I managed was my God Time, a shower, looking around my garden, and going with Ron to Fry's to get the speakers.  Sigh.  Well, I'm going to have days like this.  

Thank God I do have my medication.  

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I would have liked a hero

When McCain first ran in 2000, I liked him.  I was upset he lost the nomination.

I had no trouble voting for him in 2008; even though it was mostly an "against obama" vote.  However, if some other democrat had run I still would have voted for McCain.

This time around, I've been really disappointed.  As a born-again-evangelical; I have problems with a Mormon president (although I admire a few tenets of their faith: no alcohol, have a disaster kit, family values).

I won't get into my gripes with Gingrich; suffice to say they are MANY.  I don't feel I can respect him or trust him as a leader.

Here we are: I didn't get a hero.  I didn't get a candidate I would trust with the nuke button.  I didn't get a candidate I feel loves God.  I got a "Well, he's better than obama"

I'm sorry, I'm not voting an "Against Obama" ticket.  Does that mean I'm voting Obama?  No.  He puts my hackles up, but I've been saying that for years.  

I have to vote for someone I feel is trustworthy, reliable, loves America, ideally loves God, and is a moral person.  Male or female, that's what I want.  I just don't see it.

So, that means my vote is most likely going to an independent candidate.  Someone got upset, and said that's a vote for Obama.  No, it's a vote for my conscience.

I don't want to feel like a whore at the voting booth.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


OH, I was horrified.

I had been getting impatient to get my blood test results.  Imagine my horror when I opened the email and saw:  the optimal level for lithium is .6 to 1.something.  That's not bad.

What is unspeakable: my lithium level was only .1.  That's right - 15% of ideal!  OH!  I was so aghast I had to check it several times.

I am so uptight about taking my pills.  If I miss a dose, I get really upset.  The rare times I've missed more than one dose, due to migraines, I had nightmares.  

Of course, once I came to terms with my horrible lithium level, I had some aha moments.  No wonder I am suffering from a horrible mixed depression.  No wonder I feel so hopeless.

No wonder I spent hours online, looking at strange things I'd normally never consider, and had a hard time getting certain thoughts out of my head.

Oh, how dreadful.  Hm.  How many negative adjectives can I cram into one post?

Then I had a look at the rest of the tests.  Pretty normal.  Happily not diabetic in spite of a year of dreadful eating.  Most tests were smack in the middle of normal or very close.  The few that were out of range reflect the lab tech's diagnosis of "very dehydrated".

I'm really glad I got the test.  It explains just about everything.  Frankly, I'm baffled how my level got so low when I am so consistent.  Maybe because I gained weight?

I'm also really glad it's something easy like a low lithium level; that, after a phone call, is easily fixed with an increased dosage (call your doctor!).   An increased dosage means "feeling better right quick".  Which, I actually am.

Ugh.   A level like that is like a nightmare come to life.  Thank God I went for the test.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Shorty Patrol

Boy, I'm beat.

Last night I waited too long to take my PM stuff and got pretty depressed.  I had no energy.

Finally went to bed, got some sleep.  Some barking, though.

"Cuddles" the pit bull (one owned by ignorant, fearful, people and trained to be aggressive) is in heat, and a small male Chihuahua was sniffing around.  We named him Shorty.  He's been around for a few days now.

Bubba caught me trying to coax him over and was very upset (Bubba the black cat in the slideshow).  However, the poor little guy has been running around for days.  I'm sure he's hungry.

So, I got out the dog bones and broke one up, in the front yard.  I put a couple more by the chair on the porch.  When we got home today, only crumbs.  I sure hope Shorty ate it.  Maybe the cat.

Speaking of, we filled up both food bowls and his very large water bowl (holds about 2 gallons) for Bubba.  He was so happy to see the spread, he scent-marked them.  It's awfully cute to watch him rub the scent glands on his face against us, or an item.

I'm glad he wants them.  Anyway, I haven't seen a lot of him, he's on Shorty patrol.    I keep hoping I'll see a lost dog sign so I can call his mommy.

I had a really hard time getting up this morning.  I still haven't gotten my blood test results.  If I don't by tomorrow night I'm going to call the lab.  My arms are better.

So, I got up and did my Bible study, but not the prayer part of the program, (that comes after I log off).  I just didn't have the energy.

We went to a grocery store and then to work, taking some soda with us.  We had a rather odd woman riding with us to work.

I mean, we are pretty nuts.  I had Ron in the wheelchair, and rather than deal with the "Why are you in a wheelchair" questions I decided to make a joke of it.

OK, if you are easily offended go away.  I don't want a box full of outraged comments.

So, there I am, waiting for our ride (I did this three times today).  Ron's blind.  Had a stroke.  Sitting in the wheelchair.

I'd say "Oh, he's coming now".  When the driver pulled up and got out, or rolled down the window, I would  put my hand on Ron's shoulder and loudly say "In the name of Jesus, GET UP!  GET UP!" and Ron would stand up.

The drivers almost fell down laughing.  And, we avoided the questions.  I tend to get a wee bit frustrated.

Why would they think he is in the wheelchair?  Because it is fun?  No, because he needs it.

Anyway, they had fun.  So, the other passenger, we think might have had a brain issue.  She kept making strange, random comments.

I took a soda out of my bag "Soda!  One Dollar soda!"  I smiled in a very baffled manner and said "Excuse me?"

"ONE DOLLAR SODA!"  She seemed to get angry as I drank it so maybe she was asking for one.  I told her "It isn't cold, anyway", and made a point of focusing on Ron.

She had a lunch, in a clear plastic bag, with drinks.  Besides - she's limited.  If I give her the wrong thing that could be a liability issue.  And I was not taking off my seatbelt on the freeway and walking up the aisle to hand her a drink!

Happy to get off, as a result.  One time I almost got mugged by another slow client, for my Dr Pepper.  What is it with me getting mugged for Dr Peppers?  [laugh]  Are they that good?

We did our work stuff, Ron needed a lot of help, said I was a big help.  I just love to hear it.

After work, we went to the "good bank".  We have been trying another branch but they are completely incompetent.  They can't do even the most basic deposit.

I was so happy to go back to the old place, and get the good tellers.  I deposited the contents of my change jar; they will process it and put it in Ron's account.

We went to the mall and got something to eat.  Ron has a favorite place and I encouraged him to get his favorite dish.  He told me "You were right, this is the best" as he gobbled it.

We had a pretty good ride home (and another miraculous "healing" [snort]), and I took a nap.  I was just wiped out.

When I woke up, I watered my plants and checked the mail.  I saw Shorty again, running down the sidewalk.  Him, I don't mind.  He is small and harmless.

I had a little fun on the computer and did some research.  I try to stay busy when I am battling depression.

Now, I just need to do my prayer time.

Tomorrow it's Ron's birthday.  Unlike other years, he wants to go out.  We plan to hit two food places he lives (with a large digestion period in between).  He also wants me to trim his beard.

He's starting to look like one of those old time mountain men.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I still love you, Heidi!

Ok, I'm back online.

I felt it was important to protest the "Piracy" acts, which are a huge erosion of free speech and civil liberties.  I'm no pirate but they went way too far with these bills.

Today was pretty crazy, but we got Ron his computer back, my old computer as his backup, and Mom's old laptop as my main.  I like our computer guy, but I sure hope we don't see him for a while!

We also went to Walmart and got my pills.  Ron wanted some more spaghetti rings with meatballs.

Yesterday, I went to the sporting goods store and got myself a dutch oven.  They are far cheaper at the sporting goods store (about half of Walmart's price).

Before that, I went to a walk in lab and got my blood test.  I have bad veins.  I was "very dehydrated" and they had to make 2 attempts.  I am curious to see my results.  They should be emailed and mailed.

I haven't heard anything yet but I'm not worried.  I'm not a "mean woman", or having weird neurological issues I'd have if toxic, so I assume I'm fine.  Nice to get something to prove that when I see Doc.

So, for a day off I was really busy.  I did get a short nap, but the rest of it was run, run, run.  A lot of that the last couple days.

Hopefully I can take it easy this weekend.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

No blog tomorrow!

Ron's computer is dead, so this CPU will be converted to his computer tomorrow. 

I have an older laptop my parents gave me, I'll be using that. 


I love you all, and pray for you daily! 

Monday, January 16, 2012

Shoot the Tacos

Boy, I've been tired. 

Saturday: Walmart, home.  Nap.  Taco Bell.  Home.  One of my drivers was sick, coughing a lot.  I think I might be fighting that off.  I cleaned up the pantry and got rid of bad codes - replaced it.  Put in my prescription refill. 

Sunday: Tired, slept in.  Finally got up, went to a feed store.  Got some buckwheat and field peas (finally!).  I also got some seeds.  I got pretty dizzy waiting at the bus stop and it wasn't hot.  What was it?  God only knows.  When I got home I took a nap, watched some TV.  When I got to bed I slept really poorly but God honored my request to "give me a good quality of sleep". 

Monday:  Got up at 3 AM, got ready, went to work.  Did my God Time.  I'm always really pleased when I get up early after a bad night and do my God Time.  We got our pastry delivery.  The other vendor was sick all weekend.  I believe one reason I may be so tired these last couple days: fighting things off!  The other vendors fired the donut guy; so he's only coming for us.  BECAUSE he's only coming for us, that means we rescheduled our delivery to later in the morning.   No more 3 AM wakeups for donuts!  Alright. 

The sandwich guy was late, but that was fine.  He's really nice.  For some reason, they never put the use-by dates on the tacos.  Ron was all set to call, but I told him "Ron, we're a $40 delivery.  What are gas prices these days?  How far do they have to drive?"  He got it.  It's not a big deal.  I have a price gun. 

I tell him "I need to go shoot the tacos and put them out".   Then I go do it.  He told me I was a big help today.  I love to hear that. 

I found a good lab to draw my blood for a lithium level.  It's a good price, too.  So, tomorrow, I don't eat or take anything and go to the lab, get my blood drawn, and then eat.  Ron's going to help with the transit.  He wants to help. 

So, I consented!  Ron and I are both bad about asking for help.  I think, in Ron's case, because he "needs" so much already.  Me, because people didn't believe I needed help.  I seemed fine, why was I "faking"?  So I got in the habit of not asking.  I need to work on that. 

After work we came home, and I was exhausted.  I heard the neighbor kids playing outside (it was lovely, and a holiday).  I collapsed into bed.  I slept for hours, through dogs barking, a very loud radio, and of course the children.  I was happy to see I'm back in a happier place with medication: I just thought "That poor mother, with all that cooped up energy in the house, a newborn, and two toddlers!" 

I was too tired to do much garden work, but I did water and check on everyone.  They're looking good.  I need to eat the mustard greens. 

Tomorrow is "fun" after I do the blood test.  I'm looking forward to it. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

"Your call is very important to us"

Pretty tired today, but not really depressed. 

Ron is having computer problems - with Excel.  Oh.  It's been dreadful, many calls to tech support, etc.  Tomorrow we take it to the doc, before work. 

Ron filed a compliment on the main person who helped us, I thought that was very considerate. 

Today we went to Foodtown, worked on the computer.  Then I cleaned up the pantry and a closet and rotated my canned food.  Put the older tuna where I will eat it first, and got rid of some scary old cans.  I was glad I did it. 

Then I read some samples and and bought a couple of Kindle books (spent about $10).  Later on, I got some vitamins online.  I am going to try a Boswellia/Curcurmin formula for Ron's arthritis.  It's pretty bad in his left hand. 

Ron and I figured out how we would plan our day tomorrow.  We have to call in Friday trips on Thursday or we won't go anywhere. 

I took a nap, a pretty long one.  It was miserably cold and hideous outside, at least to me.  40's with a nasty windchill?  No thanks. 

I did some work in the garden (brrr) and came in.  Now I need to eat so I can take my pills. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Some quick thoughts on Tim Tebow

He's rich.  He's famous.  Everyone loves him. 

I sure don't envy him!  Times like that are when the Devil loves to attack; via pride.  I am sure he has thousands of women just waiting to get him naked, too - a million ways to fall. 

I am praying for him; I hope he can remain strong, and humble, in the face of all the fame, fortune, and applause. 

A crazy couple days, and setting a boundary

It's been a crazy couple days.  Monday we had torrential rains, and a very weird driver on the way home. 

I wonder if he realized how awful he acted, he was incredibly defensive and angry about missing the driveway.  I said "I guess you didn't see me waving" and he said "Oh, I saw you, but...[excuses]"  He felt the pickup had to conform to his understanding of things, instead of reading the very clear trip notes and driving towards me as I waved.  I OUGHT to have been at the more visible parking lot.  They OUGHT to have connected.  Ron OUGHT to have been outside with me, getting soaked, instead of in the building warm and dry until grumpy figured things out. 

For me, when I get a driver like this, I'm always scared.  If someone lacks the common sense to look for the driveway marked "employee entrance", driving up and down past said entrance several times, when I'm waving, it's in the trip notes, and Ron's cell is also listed for the truly confused; for someone to miss all that - I worry if they will get me home safe! 

It's pouring down rain and the roads are slick.  Visibility is poor.  So what does he do?  He's mad, so he speeds!  [shudder]  And yet another miracle, I made it home alive and walking.  It's really stupid, the vans have tattlers in them, it's reporting his speed to headquarters as he's driving, and I'm sure it ends up on a naughty driver report.  He also got into a confrontation with another guy, arguing for minutes, because the guy asked him to move.  Pair that with the attitude he gave us, I doubt he'll be driving long. 

I think the best drivers are the ones who don't take those hiccups personally.  They just shrug it off and say "Oh, well, onto the next pickup". 

As I'm typing, Ron's in here trying to talk about the old days.  I think, on some level, he really misses the old hippie days.  Talking about politics.  I finally told him, politely, that I needed to do my blog. 

I probably hurt his feelings, but I need some time by myself.  The last couple days have been work, a migraine, Ron's computer died, a LOT of "helping Ron with the computer" and very, very, little personal time. 

I am glad Ron finds me interesting and wants to talk, but on the other I need some alone time.  He likes to sleep during the day, wake up at night, and has hours to himself every night when I'm sleeping.  I had to get a nap today - I was really wiped out from the migraine, so I got pretty much zero personal time. 

And during my God Time he kept asking me to help him find CD's.  Agh. 

So, work is going OK.  Someone stole some merchandise out of a vending machine.  Shame on them. 

I had to set some boundaries with a guy at work.  He is interested in me. 

I think most of it, he's lonely.  However, while "doing some work" in my area he kept bugging me, shouting my name, asking me questions, etc.  I finally told him "I need to work,  Please leave me alone."  I asked Ron to play Big Bad Boss, "yelling" at me to get back to work, etc. 

I found it disgusting, to watch him stand around and gossip with other people all day long while his coworker did all the work.  Every now and then he comes by to "do some work" always making sure it's when we're here, trying to talk to me, etc. 

I am pretty conservative.  I really don't think it's appropriate for a single man to spend a lot of time with a married woman, especially when their jobs are completely unrelated.   He offered to take me, in his truck, alone, to run errands.  I said no.  Ron said "What about me?"  Exactly.  Ron and I are a package deal. 

We have a hallway, between our area and the work floor.  My stockroom door's in the hallway. When I came in today, he had his stuff all over the hallway, blocking the door, I had to ask him to move it, etc.  He knew we were coming in. 

He is a horrible gossip and very nosy; I didn't want him nosing around in my stockroom (which is off limits to anyone but us).  I made sure to padlock the door. 

I go in and out of the stockroom several times in an average work day.  I tried to do most of my traffic when the co-worker was present.  He kept trying to talk to me.  I just told him I had to work, etc. 

However, at one point I needed to take some inventory into my stockroom.  He was in the hall, with his co-worker.  He came up behind me as I approached the door.  WAY in my personal space.  I stopped.  So did he. 

"Excuse me" I said. 

"I'm not in your way." he replied.  I stopped in front of the door.  He was standing behind me, waiting for me to open the door.  I just waited. 

"The door's locked" said the co-worker. 

"I know" I said. 

Romeo, behind me, is pretending to "check out the doorframe".  I said "The door is fine, can you back up?" 

He didn't.  I stood there for another moment. 

"I'll come back when you're gone, then."  I turned around to leave. 

"Why are you going?" whines Romeo. 

"I don't like being CROWDED.  If you won't respect my personal space then I'll do this when you're gone." 

"Oh, we're leaving!"  And they left. 

When another big gossip came by, I mentioned the incident to him and said "Someone needs to have a talk with him about personal space".  Strongly implied, before I file a complaint. 

He came back, and later messed with the doorframe (after I had specifically said no).  But he stayed on the other side of the hall, working, where he should have been the whole time.  Ugh.  I hate work dramas. 

I don't care if he thinks I'm a "mean woman" - he needs to back off.  I have been very uncomfortable around him for a while. 

Hopefully this will do the trick.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Keep me useful

It's interesting, in some ways being a homeowner causes me more stress.  Taxes, repairs, and I'm a lot more territorial. 

Example: when I lived in an all bills paid apartment I didn't care about anything outside the walls.  My only concern; my 4 rooms.  I didn't care who'd parked where, people making noise on the walkway outside the apartment, or anything except people looking in my windows. 

Last night, the neighbor's friend had parked partly in front of my house, blocking driveway access and forcing Ron to stagger up the driveway.  Today, someone on the other side has parked in front of my house, on the street.  The kids were outside my bedroom (we have a zero-property line), making god-awful thumping noises (against my wall) and screaming at the top of their lungs. 

I can be very territorial, and God's shown me I need to work on this.  I was looking out the window at the SUV in front of my house, thinking "Why"? 

A little background:  growing up, I received years of therapy.  Most of it, not very useful. 

Suddenly, I was struck with a thought.  "If you don't make any noise they won't play with you".  A thought from 25 years ago - shared by a counselor. 

So, if I can work on my reflex territorialism, and focus on pleasing God instead, maybe praying for the driver of the car and everyone who's ever ridden in it, or will ride in it; I doubt the devil will bother throwing that at me to get me upset. 

I was also struck with the thought: I am a flawed human being.  In no way do I even come close to measuring up to Jesus.  By recognizing and accepting that I can work on my issues, and ask Him to work through me. 

I have asked God to help me with my pride issues, and I think this is one way He does that.  By showing me who I am without Him, he enables me to be a lot more than I am.  I can throw all my flaws at Him and let Him get to work on molding me into the child He sees. 

In the meantime, it's quiet now and Ron ordered me some cheesy bread.  I have a flock of happy sparrows outside the window, fertilizing the red-tips.  Bubba is meowing at the birds (he likes to walk up to them, meowing conversation, until they fly off). 

And I focus, yet again, on pleasing  God and dumping all my ugliness in His lap.  I constantly ask Him to keep me useful. 

I can turn it off.

Whew.  I'm pretty beat. 

I left you on Friday.  Friday night all my neighbors had parties, lasting late.  I couldn't figure out why. 

Saturday, the Texans (home team) had a playoff game.  AH!  They won, too. 

That explained the parties.  It also meant, and I lay in bed laughing at myself over this: I would be far to exhausted to stress out over the anniversary of Ron's accident. 

I got up at 4 AM.  Then I went to the store, work, home, other location, food place, pet store (more birdseed), and Starbucks.  By the time I got home, I was exhausted. 

I was also pretty anxious about getting enough sleep.  It's sad, I wonder sometimes if I would be helped by an antianxiety drug; but I hear they are very addictive.  I am not willing to take the chance. 

I was pretty anxious and a feeling a little hostile towards the neighbors.  It does not take much to "break" my mood, I'm ashamed to admit. 

I was feeling very petty and vengeful  Friday morning, when we had our 6 AM pickup.  I really hoped the driver honked several times, loudly, and gave the neighbor a taste of someone messing with his sleep. 

I told myself I was better than that, and chose to turn it off.  I thought, instead, that I would leave it in God's hands and do whatever I needed to be ready on time. 

I turned on the porch light, etc.  The driver pulled up, did not honk.  However, after we had loaded, the driver had to back up.  The cab has a backup beep.  So, the neighbor got to realize, without us saying a word "Hey, we had to leave at 6 AM the next day after your party". 

When we got home, I wanted to go outside and make some comments, especially when his friend had parked partly in front of our house, forcing Ron to walk up the driveway.  But he had to watch Ron staggering up the driveway, and Ron looked pitiful. 

This morning, he still had several cars out front, but they all occupied his space, not ours.  Yay.  A lot of times, if you let someone yell at themselves, they will do a much better job than you could ever dream. 

This morning, all his kids were outside, screaming and running around in his yard.  Kids really appear to take a tremendous amount of effort.  I'm glad I skipped that. 

Happily, they all stayed in his yard.  He did get the message when I left him the note (back in November), asking the children to stay out of my yard.  "For safety reasons". 

Anyway, when I'm not at 100% and somewhat sleep deprived, that's the kind of issue that can just eat at me and ruin an entire day.  I am choosing, deliberately, to turn it off. 

I don't have to be hostile and paranoid.  I can turn it off.  I can choose to ignore that and think happier thoughts, instead.  I can choose to focus on caring for myself and doing things that bring me joy.  I can do this because I take my medication as directed. 

For the short term, though, I plan to take a nap.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Horrible Burp

Ron kept me pretty busy this afternoon.  I told him once it helps me keep my mind of depression. 

He said all the nice things I like to hear, too.  I thought it was cute when he had me playing love songs on YouTube and told me "this one makes me think of you". 

I got my cover crop seeds - I can get them planted this weekend, more busy, and good. 

Tomorrow we have a lot planned; good.  I should be OK by then. 

I just had a horrible burp of depression.  Ugh. 

Please God, I'm ready for a mania now.  Love, Heather. 

Where is my lithium?

I made a mistake filling up my medication days of the week organizer.  Bad days.  I fixed it now, and figured out how to fix it in the future, examine each tablet in my hand before just gulping.

"Where is my lithium?  Where is my antidepressant?"  It's compounded by the fact I take vitamins; it's a big handful!  Just took it, 3 vitamins, 4 herbal supplements, and the two prescriptions.  Plus I have to take it with food. 

Oh, please, NEVER take lithium on an empty stomach.  I got the worst pains - like I was being eviscerated.  Horrible. 

Anyway, if I thought I was depressed LAST week - [scoff] - well, it's a lot worse.  I just feel completely lost and hopeless. 

A large part of that is the medication, and the rest is due to Accident Day.  Link  Yup, it's tomorrow. 

I never really felt we got justice.  Alarmingly, the guy who ran over Ron is back on his Powered Industrial Truck.  He truly frightens me when he's on that thing - he's not safe.  He is very reckless, doesn't look where he's going, makes sudden sharp turns, and almost took out the other vendor and I one day on the dock. 

And that, my friends, is the time he almost ran over me WITH WITNESSES.  Plenty other times, too.  Is he aiming for 2-for-2? 

It's ironic, because the Tow Motor drivers are some of my favorite employees.  He just scares me. 

I also get deeply resentful when we do see him, and he does the phony "Howya doing" thing (I won't leave you alone until you tell me you are fine).  I just wish he would pretend we didn't exist.  Ignore us. 

Don't come up, introduce yourself, and ask Ron how he's doing.  Oh, that bugs me.  I always want to tell him the truth

Ron says, quite correctly, that it's his question to answer, not mine.  I make myself busy, elsewhere. 

He knows better than to play phony with me.  I have a very expressive face. 

I had so, so, hoped he would take early retirement when it was offered.  But, I guess he felt he couldn't "afford" it. 

What about us?  Huh?  It is horrible to see him walking around, acting happy, and then I go home with my husband, the verbally abusive, alcoholic. 

I don't blame the guy for the accident.  Nothing happens out of God's will.  I blame him for staying around work after the accident.  It would have been a lot more considerate if he'd gotten another job, one where I wouldn't have to see him constantly, constantly reminded of some of the worst times of my life. 

I want him to GO AWAY. 

Well, I didn't say this would be a pretty post, did I? 

Now, I feel compelled to add: I do pray for him every day (and the police officer).  Most days, I mean what I am praying for him.  I hope he does get saved.  He may be a reckless butthead, but he doesn't deserve hell. 

I actually have a harder time with the police officer.  I feel like he had a responsibility to accurately determine the accident; but instead he robbed Ron and falisfied the report.  If Ron had crossed the street from south to north, he would have been hit on his LEFT side.  When I mentioned it, officer jerko went on the attack and told me the accident was my fault because Ron walked to work by himself. 

Ron, again, accurately stated it:

If you'd been with me: we both would have died. 

The guy ran a red light!  Who can predict that?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

There's a worm in my garden

Since I have a wooden privacy fence, I tend to take a very easy approach to my backyard.  I let the leaves lay where they fall.  I let the grass get a little longer, and I leave the clippings in place.  I've done this for years. 

The only chemical I use is fire ant bait.  Other than that, I'm all organic. 

Ron recently gave me "permission"  to dig up a new garden bed out back.  I got some emerald edging - boy, that stuff is great - my spading fork, and went to work. 

I quickly realized 2 things:  1.  The soil was fantastic, lots of organic matter  and 2.  Lots of worms, and I was hurting them.  My heart just breaks for a poor, bleeding, worm. 

One of the worst days in my garden, the day I accidentally stabbed a toad with my spading fork.  I feel horrible about that. 

I had grazed one of the worms, it wasn't mortal but it was clearly unhappy.  My usual "dig it deep and fork it over" plan wouldn't work. 

Besides, the soil looked great - lots of organic matter and lots of worms to prove it.  I poked around tentatively, enough to prove I didn't have a giant slab of concrete (garden bed 5), shingles (garden bed 4 &6),  styrofoam trash (bed 2), etc... and it was fine. 

I did, however, have a monster tree root.  My neighbor cut down the tree - it was an alder.  He was worried about it damaging the fence, so it went.  I got a new garden bed out of it, once I sold Ron. 

Anyway, there I am, standing in my sweat pants and oversized blue tshirt, boots on, whacking away at the tree root with my hatchet.  Handy devil, the hatchet.  Sharp, too.  I almost took a finger off putting it away. 

I had to get it at one side of the garden bed, and then the other.  I pulled it up in the middle and took it to Ron as a trophy.  [giggle]  You should have seen his face! 

I added about a cubic foot of soil amendments (composted manure, composted cotton burrs - love that stuff, and "soil improver" mix - basically sand and shredded bark).   I read a great book my John Jeavons (I try to attibute where possible), and he said a cubic foot is one and a half, five gallon buckets. 

Almost everyone has a 5 gallon bucket, so that's really handy.  My new garden bed is 2 feet by 8 feet.  I wanted a 4 foot easment in case we need fence access, lost balls, etc.  It has clearance so people can walk around it and easily access the fence. 

I must have seen 8 worms as I worked the soil.  Big, fat, ones.  I can hardly wait to plant it.  If they liked it before, wait until I'm finished adding the "candy" - more compost, cottonseed meal, bone meal (I have low Calcium), etc. 

I also need to put some blood meal, on the root zone of my salad greens. 

Did you go "eeew?"  Most people do when I mention blood meal as a fertilizer. 

I'm just using the whole animal, and the greens are always washed before cooking. 

She could probably get away with killing you

It's interesting: I can completely understand the hows and why's of something, expect it, even, and still be upset.

Today I woke up with the ongoing horrible headache. Sugar withdrawal. I went to work with Ron.

My job involves a fair amount of heavy lifting. I did the absolute necessities and realized my headache was getting a lot worse.

One time I went to work with a migraine, it evolved, and I ended up vomiting in a bucket all the way home. Ron yelled at me for "embarrassing" him and told me to never work like that again.   I got a lot more empathy from the driver. 

I realized the bending-over-and-picking-things-up was going to be a killer, and if I had to do much more lifting I would end up vomiting. So, I told Ron, "I can't do any more lifting" and explained why.

He launched into a big tirade about how I'm "so sickly" - I haven't had a sick day in YEARS.  My last sick time?  2006.  3 days.  The flu.  How he needs someone "dependable", etc.

If I didn't have the headache I would have yelled at him. As it is, I told him he could take the donuts off the cart, himself, and put them away. I reminded him of how he didn't want me to "embarrass" him by vomiting again, and he had a choice, he could put up his own donuts (a job he has done many times), or I could do it and ride home vomiting in my bucket. More tirade.

Now, I understand a couple of things:

Ron is a narcissist. He does expect the world to revolve around his wants, needs, and desires. Unfortunately, his childhood really cemented the "I'm the prince" attitude - his parents were told to never let him cry, or he'd go blind. He got away with murder for several years.

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love  [in particular, the ongoing fantasy about the wonderful, "normal" woman who will satisfy Ron's every need]

Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations  [!!!!!]

Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends [yes]

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others  [my big gripe today]

Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

source text

Ron hits all of that; recently he has been complaining about my weight (a little over 200) because he "deserves better than a fat woman". Etc, etc. You get the idea.

I should realize, I guess: when I get sick, Ron is going to take it as a personal attack on him. He will see it as my failing him, not a need, on my part, for support and compassion.

I will not get love, support, and compassion from him when I'm sick. It's like asking a jar of peanut butter for a glass of milk. I can ask, hope, and expect all I want, but it's still a jar of peanut butter. It will never be a glass of milk - and that's a very sad conclusion: Ron will not ever be supportive of me when I'm down, sick, or weary. He will always turn it around, make it about him, how he has been betrayed and failed, etc.   Always.  I have 19 years of proof. 

I finally told him "Why don't you act as if someone is watching you?" as he railed at me, and God, for giving him "defective, sickly" etc.

He does know how to assume the "devoted husband" role if it is clearly defined. For instance, when I had surgery, he was very attentive the first day, then started drinking to stupor day two and I had to take care of myself.

God help me if I do need some care. I will not get it here, that's for certain.

I told Ron, I have a headache because I am getting off sugar - then I got a lecture on how I must be "weak" because Ron doesn't have a problem with sugar. So, I'm that weak, huh? I got a migraine because I cut out the sugar?   Very demeaning attitude, when I was asking for help.  He made me feel about an inch tall.  REAL nice.

I have NEVER done that with him, regarding the drinking.  Never.   

I told him, I'm doing this to get healthy, please hang in there with me, (hoping I would get some support) and he just started cursing at God for giving him a "defective".

Peanut butter. He is a jar of very-self-absorbed peanut butter.

You know, he used to get mad at me for handing out Bibles and candy to the drivers, because they wouldn't pay attention to him when I did? He would make some very ugly comments "I guess she wants to make you fat" stuff like that.

Anyway, I finally gave in, ate something with sugar, and the headache started crawling off. Ron made a big production out of "I needed something at Radio Shack, but YOU CAN'T GO so I cancelled it!"

I just thought, yes, your part is a lot more important than my pain. Thank you.

Sadly, it is obvious to me: he really thinks my life should revolve around his, like a planet, serving him, pleasing him, and adoring him.  UGH. 

We finally got home, I took a nap. He turned up his TV loud, to "punish" me, but I slept fine anyway. I guess I was supposed to complain, and he'd get to play victim because I "couldn't" go to Radio Shack to get the part he needed, so he could listen to the TV quietly. Therefore he HAS to play it loudly.  [rolleyes] 

The only way win that game is not to play. He likes to bait me and see me respond, then he can condemn me and sit in jugdgement. 

It's all your fault; that's how it goes for Ron. Anything that goes wrong ends up being my fault.

Woke up, started taking out the trash. Ron got mad because I took out the kitchen trash, about half full.

He interrogated me why I had done this. I told him "It has meat stuff in it, it will stink".

He then told me I had to put all meat trash in a separate trash bag everytime I cooked, because "trash bags are expensive and I can't afford for you to waste them." I mumbled something and then I realized.

"Ron, I buy the trash bags. Why are you complaining about wasting money? It's my money." I also told him, since they were "my" bags, I would throw them out whenever they reeked, regardless of capacity.  He got really mad, had a tantrum, and stormed off to his room. 

I found it funny, I went out to do something in the yard and when I came back he was finishing up yelling at my empty room.  Snort. 

Ugh. Just stupid, stupid, stuff today.

I know I will never win the lotto: because, if I did, I would be out of Ron's life so fast his head would spin.

It's not surprising, either - after witnessing a day of "the treatment" a friend of ours told Ron, "You know, with Heather's mental illness, she could probably get away with killing you". 

I, however, intend to keep ALL commandments to the best of my ability.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Sugar Detox

Ron and I had fun doing the firecrackers. 

I stopped buying sugary, processed, junk.  It's funny.  When I eat something that spikes my blood sugar, I get a headache the next day. 

Yet, when I cut out all the processed crap (most of it), and avoid sugar, guess what?  I get a headache.  Happily my "Headache Relief Formula" tablets are cheap. 

So, whining: headache for days now.  Detoxing from the sugar.  I'm eating headache pills every 5 hours. 

Good news: down 2 pounds already.  I am, currently, at my all-time high, but I'm taking the steps I need to get healthy.  Once I'm effectively off the sugar, I'll have a much better time. 

You can check out my food log - I'm going to be posting my food and activities every day.  About the closest I plan to get to sugar; stocking the vending machine, and finally growing a sugar beet.  I have wanted to do that for years, but always felt vaguely embarrassed about it. 

Why not?  I have heard they can be cooked and shredded into salad.  I might love eating them.  If nothing else, I can feed them to some livestock not far from the subdivision.  

Things have been good with Ron.  I'm glad I timed my sugar detox for my days off. 

I hope I feel better by tomorrow; we have to work. 

2 days in one, again

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  We went to the warehouse, got our supplies, went to work and stocked.  Jack will be out of town next wee...