Showing posts from July, 2015


I had a nice little mania going for a couple days, but I crashed today into "mixed".  link  It's pretty awful; I was nearly entirely depressed, yet outgoing and chatty.  Everyone thought I was "fine". 

Some would blame it on Ron.  He's been drinking a lot of (to me, very expensive) liquor every night, falling down drunk.  He left his phone in the middle of the floor one night, and last night I found it in the sink.

Ron loves his phone.  Last night I just turned it off and kept it until I heard him awake and sober, later.

Right now I'm angry, but it's just pathetic too.  I don't see how he can degrade himself like this.  He does these nonverbal grunts and gurgles at me, falls down, eats food, and gets angry the next day when it's "gone".

He's yelling at me now because I asked him (very politely) to turn the music down.  He got verbally abusive and began cursing me.  Why?  Because I said "I don't feel well, can you p…

Two Days

"Thank God" I told Ron.  "I think I'm getting manic." 

It's a nice slow one. 

Yesterday: got up, shower, went to the bank.  Went to the warehouse, bought a lot of treats. 

A very long ride downtown.  Unload treats and take into Metro building.  Call around, ask for a Metrolift employee with a handcart.  We got a lot of blank, gaping, faces, and confusion.  Until they saw the treats.  Oh!  For Metrolift!  Yeah, that Metrolift.  :p 

I left Ron with the treats.  Since we were downtown he had a problem with "sharks" circling, angling for treats. 

I went and got his yearly pass.  Ron tends to be very rude to the woman so she was happy to see just me, taking my time, thanks for working so hard... and she got it on the first time.  She was so happy. 

I went out to see a couple Metrolift employees loading the treats.  The man kept rubbernecking at me.  I guess I don't meet his vision of Ron's wife. 

I may be fat, but I'm not ugly.  [shrug] 



The depression was a little better today.  "I can't wait to get manic" I told Ron.  He nodded. 

A properly medicated, balanced, mania, of course. 

I actually had some fun today.  We went to Walmart very first thing, when it was nice and quiet.  We got some soda for work (our soda company rep gave us "permission"), and Ron had budgeted some personal shopping time. 

I got some new undies.  :p  I told Ron, it's funny, sturdy elastic is more important than colors.  After that, I want 100% cotton, and then cute colors and patterns. 

I'd rather wear a revolting print with a good elastic, if needed. 

I found some good ones in purple assortment, so that makes me happy. 

We had fun shopping.  I had him in the kiddie cart:
You can see the walker in the front right corner, my reusable bags in the cart.  My love language is quality time.  Link

In fact, I find it endlessly frustrating when I'm trying to spend time with Ron and he's on the phone "Be quie…

Sleep with a cat

It didn't seem like a hard day. 

I worked a short shift, only ran one errand, had straight trips for the most part (a nice bonus on a shared-ride service) and even got 2 naps, one of which involved two cats in the bed. 

It felt like an ultramarathon.  I woke up horribly depressed, barely got through my shower, so happy when I realized I didn't have to shave my legs. 

Everything was impossible and exhausting. 

We got to work and realized the new plant manager was about to have a meet and greet for the employees. 

We go through a lot of plant managers, one every year or so.  Of course God knows anyone can read this so that's all I'll say.

Other than, with "our" productivity numbers, I wasn't at all surprised the last guy got booted.  64 out of 67, consistently, for months, is not a good thing.

They put the numbers up in our area.

I was very happy to realize we'd be escaping before the show.  Imagine this: they had a huge cake on a table, right in Ron…


Horribly depressed today.  I'm functional, NOT suicidal, just miserable.  I really pray you are having a better day:-)


I renamed Torbie, Chewbie. 

She loves to munch on electrical cords.  Today I bought some bitters.  It's a spray you put on your stuff. 

Hopefully it will make her behave.

It's none of your damned business

I get so tired. 

"OH, Heather, that happens to everyone." 





I forgot things I needed, at Walmart, because I neglected to put them on my list.  Understandable.  I gave $20 change to a customer who gave me $10.  Huh? 

I left a bag of groceries on the porch.  I forgot.  Until I went looking for my Mountain Dew.  Happily I had my cold items in the house already. 

Oh, and the milk, I found that on the counter, in front of Ron's microwave, a good half hour after I "put away all the cold stuff". 

When I paid at Walmart today, the cashier counted my money, and got angry.  "You did it again!  Gave me too much!" 

I explained I take some very toxic and harsh medication.  "Yeah, right... you're going to get me in trouble!" 

Yeah, that is my complete intent. 

I get very tired of explaining.  I get even more weary when they don't believe me.  I don't like walking around this medicated.  I don't like that it makes me &…

The Cheating Blog

Ron recently read a book (fiction) about a woman who committed adultery. 

I won't tell you the name of the book, because, in his opinion, it wasn't well written.  It went into some length about how she felt inferior to others, her husband got sterilized without consulting her, felt unvalued and unappreciated by her husband, etc. 

She went on a girls night out, which, at the end of the story, had led to the cheating and pregnancy. 

Ron and I had a pretty lively discussion on where she "screwed up".  Where someone could screw up. 

Girls night out: I don't get the concept.  My aunt used to take me shopping when I fled Blackout Ron, and my safety was at risk.  Always, for some odd reason, in late summer/fall.  That's the only concept I've practiced.  
You know how very bad it would be for me to drink: not only would it interact with my medication, I am at huge risk for addiction.  I just avoid it completely and stick to diet soda.  If not careful, though, it c…

Happy customers.

Every summer, I consider getting "black girl" braids. 

Then I look at the expense and forget it. 

I did try to look up something I could do on my own. 

I have never been good at fashion or hairstyling.  I just blowdried my naturally full hair upside down, for the "big hair" look of the 80's and 90's.  I had very short, layered haircuts. 

As my hair grew, I went to a simple ponytail. 

I can't even do a french braid.  I lack the dexterity, especially these days. 

I looked around at hair styles for long, "white", hair.  They all involved complicated twists, buns, and braids. 

One hairstyle involved a french braid down each side of the head, joining at the back.  It got me thinking. 

What if I pulled my hair into two pigtails, secured them, and then joined the pigtails at the back?  I tried it this morning.  It wasn't difficult. 

My hair looked fuller and it was cooler.  I didn't have a long, hot, rope hanging down my back.  My scalp had s…

Big Show

Cup reviews.

Purple, cheap, cup

Works fine.  A little thin compared to the other but no leakage.

Two for one special  Both of them are good.

I put one in storage, and use the other.  I alternate between the two brands.  They both work fine.  No leakage.

I have a learning curve on insertion and removal.  I strongly suggest researching cup folds.

Link with photos

How has it been?  Well, overall, fine.

I haven't had a drop of leakage.  Both units are comfortable and fairly easy to install once I got it.

Removal remains a little tricky.  The cups like to climb.  So I have to squat on the toilet, bearing down, waiting for the thing to come in range and then pinch and grab.  It's only a little more awkward than removing a tampon, especially considering the times I've had a string break.  I still prefer to remove at home, when I am not rushed.

The cloth pads have provided mental security, but I haven't actually bled on them.  I'm still glad I have them, though…


My husband was run over by a careless driver. Over a decade ago.

By all appearances, the man "got away with it" while I was blamed for the accident (I let the poor blind man walk to work the way he always had, for 30 years). I was villified, while everyone saw this man as a victim.

As you can imagine, I had many issues, and many happy fantasies of beating him with a piece of metal pipe.  

I wasn't even happy when I found out he got born-again.

I knew my attitude didn't make God happy.

Matthew 5:44
New King James Version (NKJV)

44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you

So, back about 2009 I started praying for the man every day. I had to ask God to give me the will to pray, at first.. I was that messed up.

I had a lot of setbacks. It seemed like every time I was getting to a decent place, I'd see the guy again, walking around wit…

Zip zip zoom

I woke up depressed, but I had slept pretty well.  Torbie has been very attentive to me, lately.  She's my foul weather cat, my best buddy when I'm depressed, disdaining me when I'm having an average or manic day. 

I didn't take a shower, just applied extra deodorant. 

The cable guys were coming. 

They arrived on time and went out back, doing something in the backyard for a good half hour.  God only knows.  I will say my computer seems to be running a lot faster now. 

They came in.  I showed them my electronics, and they said they'd leave the computers hardwired to the modem.  Good. 

They set up the modem and made sure to test the computers.  They did something to Eric's network (he's the one who gave me this desktop, last year) and now both computers can be used at the same time.  Interesting. 

I verified I could get online, with both, and sent them off with a few Bibles. 

I took a nap.  I was pretty moody because I had waited to take my antidepressant.  I…

Crime Scene

This cycle has been very interesting. 

I got 2 menstrual cups, and I've been alternating them.  I clean them in the sink, with "female wash", unscented, sensitive formula.  I also clean them with unscented baby wipes.  Every day or so, I dunk them in boiling water.  We'll call that, "the whole routine". 

They have done the job, collecting a lot over the course of my cycle.  I probably bled 1/3 to one half cup (about 100 to 150 ml).  According to the internet, that's high normal but not uncommon for me. 

My medication makes me groggy and fumble-fingered.  That's not always a good combination with a brimming menstrual cup. 

Praise God I did not drop it in the toilet. 

In public. 

I have figured, the best method for me is bearing down and pinching the cup as it gets into range (I'm not shoving it to kingdom come, just enough to do the job).  I pinch the cup and yank it out. 

At present, removal generally results in the loss of half the contents, ma…

New tech

Today I got WiFi.  More to follow.

Truck guys

Pretty wiped out tonight. 

I always think I'll only write a paragraph. 

Last night, as I went to bed, I made tragic noises.  Ron became quite alarmed, until I explained the plan. 

Torbie likes an invitation to sleep with me.  If I act pitiful, she will come "save" me, but I have to put on the show. 

It's out little routine. 

I did it, and sure enough, she leapt on top of me about 5 minutes later (she doesn't come on command).  She got her petting, walked on my ribs (ouch), and purred.  She laid down near my waist. 

I made more tragedy, and then scratched the sheet near my head.  After some consideration, she chose to join me. 


I'd love to say I slept great.  I did fall asleep fast but I had a heart-pounding nightmare about something that could actually go wrong in my life. 

My pillow fell off the bed, leaving me with a rather flat one I use as a topper.  I found my sleep more comfortable, so I plan to maintain the arrangement. 

I got up, exhausted. …

Something to smile about

I've been busy at work the last couple days. 

Today was New Vending Machine - well, New To Me, day. 

First I had to have my repairman come and swap the locks out.  It has to go back to Austin with a lock and key. 

Most of our machines are keyed alike.  We're not handing out keys!  We do, however, have "junk" locks. 

He came, we did that. 

I stocked what I could, helped Ron. 

And waited. 

They said the new machine would arrive sometime this morning.  We got there at 6:51. 

We got bored.  I read my book, finished it, and began taking photos. 

Treats for the movers. 

Ron, with a bucket on his head. 

Ron, with the bucket, pretending to beg for money. 

The boss' assistant called, she was bringing the machines.  Happily the "manager" treat worked for either of them. 

They were "right around the corner".  Half an hour later, they came in, my "new" snack machine on a pallet jack.  I did a happy dance and called it "pretty". 


Good news

I had a pretty horrible morning. 

Snack 2's door is completely broken now.  Why would you try to break into a dead and empty machine?  I even took out the flamingo, which is sitting on my monitor here at home. 

I barely got it open and unloaded everything we might need.  Some things had to stay in the machine.  Manual, some parts. 

We removed the rest.  It was very depressing. 

I stocked the rest of my snacks and helped Ron.  We squabbled a little: Ron always thinks I should be "on-demand".  I have other job duties, and my hands are often full of product.  I have to at least stock it so I can aid him. 

I was horribly depressed, and hadn't slept well. 

You get the idea. 

I notified our boss, as required, of the dead vending machine. 

We left work and had to sit outside someone's house for over 30 minutes because "we were early".  I get it.  Not long ago someone had to wait about 10 minutes, outside our house. 

I should have read my Kindle. 

We picked her…


Well, it's official. 

My uterus is demented, and I'm probably in menopause.  My cycle was due on Friday.  Thursday I began spotting, which has continued to this day. 

One of my friends complained "I had a very light flow for 3 weeks, my breasts were tender, and that was it".  Well, I've got the light flow and the tenderness. 

The cup is doing the job, catching what I do produce.  I have lots (to me) of cute pads if I want to lose the cup completely, but I'm not willing to risk it on a church or work day. 

Church today, work tomorrow.  I'm washing my cup right now.  Female wash, in the sink, very hot water.  Then I let it air dry overnight.  My flow is light enough I can do this. 

I should have another cup coming eventually.  Oh, God, please don't let that one pop open at work.  That would be awkward.  "Hey, Heather, we found your ah, thing?" 

"What does it do?" 

They would probably never buy my snacks again! 

I am a little early fo…


It was a strange night. 

I had to get up at 4.  I went to bed late, around 9. 

The headache, and my bladder, woke me up around 11.  I took some aspirin and dealt with my business.  As I came out of the bathroom I heard Techno Boy. 

Someone was playing loud Techno music in the neighborhood.  A little note on my composition: about a third each black and latino.  The other third is split between asians and whites. 

In over 11 years, I have never heard techno music.  It didn't abate. 

I looked outside.  #6 had a visitor, a small red car.  Interesting, someone over after all the kids in bed. 

#2 had his garage wide open.  He de-hoarded it a little, but it still looks awful.  But - he's quiet. 

It wasn't either of them. 

I got dressed and went outside, debating if I should go seek the noisemaker.  If I found the source, I could call the police, but they would know I "told".  Plus, the person could be a psycho rapist mutilator. 

As I cogitated, I the music got louder, c…


God is slowly calling Ron to account for his drinking. 

The other night, Ron recorded himself mumbling drunkenly, eating, and snoring.  He was pretty horrified, kept saying he was sorry, it must have been an unusual night, etc. 

I said, in a matter of fact fashion, that's pretty much every night.  I didn't get upset, I just stated the fact.  Ron looked like I'd smacked him in the face with a dead fish.  He listened to it, over and over. 

I did find it funny that he appears to "like" 80's pop (normally he is more into old soul and R&B, and 70's music) when drunk.  I sang along with the song as Ron gaped at me. 

I guess I was supposed to be horrified at the drunken mumbling.  [snort]  If THAT bothered me...

Last night I heard him eating chips, but he didn't keep me up. 


Unless, of course, you or a cat needs the hospital, or the house is on fire.  Then you can wake me. 

This morning, I heard him awake and went to say hel…

The dog is gone (#6)

Yesterday I had to work very late. 

I arrived home exhausted, depressed, and hungry.  I hadn't slept well the night before and missed my God Time that morning. 

I had a choice, computer or God Time.  I chose God Time. 

Last night I heard #6 cleaning up his backyard, throwing things away.  This morning, I realized the dog is gone. 

He had a brick blocking the gate.  The dog was ripping boards off the gate and coming to visit us. 

A few weeks ago, his wife came out to find Ron and the dog interacting, hard to say who was more delighted.  The dog had broken a board off the gate, from the inside.  Ron was rubbing her tummy and baby talking her (something I had never seen them do, petting, talking to them, or spending more than 2 minutes a day with the poor animal). 

The dog clearly adored him.  Whenever she got out she came over to play with the cats (except Torbie, who hates dogs), interact with us, and lie in our yard, wearing a big doggy grin.  I'm not a big dog lover but I did…

A post for my Ukrainian readers!

Мій чоловік хоче подякувати вам за прекрасний коньяк. Він любить випити Shevkoff іноді. Miy cholovik khoche podyakuvaty vam za prekrasnyy konʹyak. Vin lyubytʹ vypyty Shevkoff inodi.Мені дуже подобається бачити свою країну в моєму списку " країн". Дякую! Meni duzhe podobayetʹsya bachyty svoyu krayinu v moyemu spysku " krayin". Dyakuyu!

Bucket of cysts

"My mouth tastes like rubber gloves" I whined at Ron. 

We went to the dentist.  The dentist likes chatting to Ron while he works. 

Xrays, brief exam from Latino Guy (the new assistant).  He poked around and left. 

Later on he came back and loaded the Xrays on the computer.  They looked fine, except for the scar tissue. 

I need to tell you about that.  I've always had problems with anxiety.  It was especially bad as a child, very "high strung". 

Add suicidal depression to the mix.  Then take me to the dentist to have four teeth pulled under a local. 

As I lay in the chair, feeling absolutely raped, bloody tools passing in front of my eyes, horrible crunchings I could hear and feel,  the unsympathetic dentist shoving my jaws apart, my mouth full of blood in spite of the suction (I am a "bleeder" in dental parlance), I lost it. 

I began screaming.  I threatened to bite him.  I could feel some pain, so they doped me up with more lidocaine and left me sitt…

Track 5

"I need to apologize" I told the blue-shirted maintenance guy.  "I was a cranky bitch, and I'm sorry." 

He gaped at me.  "What?" 

"Saturday, with the freezer?   I was pretty rude, and I'm sorry" (I snapped at him a couple times over something that was "totally" not his fault).  I regretted it. 

"Oh, that's OK."  He said graciously.  "I'm just glad it's working again." 

"Well," I told him "I want to make it up to you."  I gave him a bag of fun size Snickers.  He was sure happy to get them!   I felt much better, knowing I'd acted as a civilized human being. 

Last night, I lay in bed, bug-eyed from caffeinated headache pills (they're the only ones that work), thinking I have to get up at 2 am.  

It was hideous.  Then I heard #6 come home.

Now, I'm not going to tell you "My neighbor's on vacation".  They could get robbed and it would be my fault.  I can…

Curled up in a ball

Horrible headache. 

I did manage to go to Walmart, and Arby's.  And shower. 

The rest of the day has pretty much been curled up in a ball.  UGH. 

Biscuit and Torbie gave me plenty of attention, and Gravy let me pick him up and hug him for a while.

Could have handled that...

I didn't sleep well.  I kept getting up to urinate (normal, and my last kidney check a couple months ago came back fine). 

I awoke, exhausted and depressed.  I figured, screw it, no shower.  I just applied some deodorant and brushed my hair.  That's all they get. 

I even wore my baggy knit shorts, along with an oversized t-shirt and work boots. 

And the proper undergarments, of course.  :p 

Our ride was almost an hour late, and a very odd man.  He was from France.  He kept talking to Ron in French (Ron can speak a little Creole).  We got to work safely, though.  When we disembarked, he came over and hugged us. 

Ron was a little bugeyed over that but accepted the gesture. 

We got into work, only to find 4 managers in a panicked stampede over by the front door, screaming about 911.  I didn't hear a fire alarm, so I figured someone got sick/hurt. 

I was correct.  I was later told the air conditioning did not come on again after we lost power.  The "expansion" was a …


I asked God for accurate test results, and I believe I got them. 

I am not allergic to wheat, soy, corn, or most other common allergens.  That is very useful in planning my disaster kit. 

I am, however, allergic to some unexpected things: garlic, bean mix (green, kidney, lima, navy), and shellfish. 

I'm not surprised about the shellfish.  1.  It's the number one allergy.  2.  My birth mother was allergic. 

I will explore peanuts and almonds, according to the blood test I am not allergic. 

Speaking of food, I need to finish eating and take my pills.


Oh.  This day. 

We had some kind of power surge at work, which caused a small fire.  The alarm went off and we ignored it, thinking it was just another drill. 

A manager finally dragged us out, acting like the whole place was in flames. 

They finally let us back in, only to discover the power out and most of our machines malfunctioning. 


I didn't sleep well last night, in spite of the Benadryl.  I kept getting up to urinate. 

I didn't do my God time in the morning (did it before I logged on just now).  I did get my shower.  For *some reason* I was drawn to wear my extra comfy, oversized navy t-shirt.  So glad I did. 

I got to work, only to get shouted at by a customer.  I discovered Snack 2 had a coin jam, got that fixed.  Someone had tried to use a Mexican dime.  [sigh]  Don't do that. 

The board fried right as I closed it.  Dead as a doornail now.  Great.  I have a dead, fully stocked vending machine. 

I destocked it, donning my rubber gloves yet again as I dealt w…