Thursday, November 30, 2017

"I don't want food"

I woke up today with a terrible headache.  I took some Excedrin and drank a Mountain Dew, then did my shower.  It abated, somewhat, but I could feel it lurking, wanting to come back. 

I'm very glad I took the Excedrin, I don't think the aspirin would have worked at all, and I would have had to battle for 6 hours, until I could take something else. 

One reason I always carry phenergan, just in case I get a really horrific headache. 

I believe this one was related to the Claratin I took yesterday.  Twice now I have taken a Claratin and had a bad headache the next day.  I won't be taking it any time soon, that's for sure. 

I also plan to buy some herbs (Butterbur, Feverfew) to help prevent headaches. 

I got dressed, didn't even eat because I had no appetite.  If I'm not hungry I don't eat because my body is telling me "I don't want food".  I listen. 

We got our "ten minute callout".  It was Ron's idea, have the computer call when the driver is close.  They liked the idea and implemented it.  Taxis have been doing it for years, they call you and tell you to go outside, and 30 seconds later there's your ride. 

So, we went out.  And nothing.  2 hours later, more nothing.  Ron called and they said the system was down.  Clearly. 

He also, during this time, talked to our boss, who said they will not pay us back for our transportation because my name's on the Greyhound ticket, not Ron.  Great.  There are also issues with the hotel bill. 

"Think of it as ransom" I told Ron "That you paid to keep your business." 

Agh. 

In the meantime we're standing out in front of the house for almost 2 hours.  I did my mobile post while standing out front. 

We had to go to the bank to turn $1's into 20's, pay me, deposit, etc.  So, we had to go. 

Thank God we only had a one-way. 

As I've said, we make our money, literally $1 at a time.  All those $1 bills stacked up look pretty impressive, especially if an ignorant person assumes they are anything other than a $1 bill.  They don't realize half the money goes to inventory, then taxes, etc.  We only keep a small percentage of what we "make", but we still have to process it. 

And, even to me, all those $1 bills stacked up on the counter look pretty impressive.  The LAST thing either of us wants is a driver walking in on us when we have all the money stacked up and being processed.  The gossip at paratransit is pretty extreme, and it would be all over the fleet in 10 minutes, "Ron and Heather are rich."  I have mentioned how, nearly 20 years ago, a cab driver we used (not paratransit) gossiped to one of his other passengers that we "were always going to the bank".  Yes, we were, to make deposits.  Instead, he had us rolling in dough. 

The other passenger recognized us from the driver's description, on paratransit, and went around for years telling everyone "We were really rich".  She also told everyone where we lived (unfortunately, she was on the vehicle when it picked us up one day), and I am pretty sure was instrumental in getting us robbed.  In fact, when I told her we were robbed, she told us she was sorry. 

"Someone" I told her "Must have thought we had money in the house.  Which we don't.  But they trashed it anyway.  Maybe people shouldn't gossip anymore."  And she stopped. 

So, the last thing we want is a driver walking in during the middle of the transaction.  That almost happened once.  What we do now is take a one-way to the bank and then take a cab home.  We have a good cab who works that area and is always happy to give us a ride. 

It's a good thing we had planned on having a cab get us, because we would have missed our ride home. 

The driver knew she was almost 2 hours late, when she came.  She got out of the vehicle (it was the large van) and came, very reluctantly, around the side of the vehicle.  I greeted her as "my hero!" and gave her a bag of candy. 

I got on the vehicle, while she loaded Ron.  There was a couple, she didn't have any legs and kept staring covetously at my house.  I wanted to tell her her wheelchair wouldn't have fit in my bathroom.  Or in any of my other doorways.  She had a wide wheelchair. 

The man kept staring at me when he thought I wasn't looking, probably wondering why I was riding paratransit.  Well, that's my business.  If he had just asked I probably would have told him.  Rude, I felt, the both of them.  The third passenger was slow and was holding a large folding handcart, the kind you use for big shopping trips. 

We had a straight trip to the bank.  When we got there the driver mumbled something I couldn't understand, and then got angry when I didn't understand her.  Well, it's not my fault you are mumbling.  My hearing is fine but I don't speak "mumble". 

We finally got unloaded and into the building.  We had planned to get there around 10, before all the "early lunch" people got there to do their end of the month banking.  I'm not the only one who gets paid at the end of the month. 

It wasn't too bad..  I took all the $5's out of the money (when a vending machine accepts one and five dollar bills I have to sort out the fives), counted it again (matched up to what Ron said we had), and got in line with 3 other people (business banking). 

It was a teller I like.  Good.  She is very efficient and we have never had a problem.  I gave her a bag of candy (all these had a Scripture booklet included), and the money, counting it yet again.  Yup, still matches up. 

She counted the money on her machine, and put it into $100 packs.  It matched what I had.  We finished our business and then left. 

Ron called Mike, our new primary cab driver.  Cab drivers tend to work a certain area, and he works our home base.  He showed up in about 3 minutes. 

I left the bank.  A nice person held the door, but his girlfriend stood off to the side, on the wheelchair ramp.  What was I supposed to do?  Take the stairs?  I pushed Ron towards her and she got out of the way. 

If you hold a door for a disabled person, make sure you are not blocking it, or the path to the ramp, in any way.  Otherwise it makes things awkward. 

Mike got the wheelchair loaded.  He liked the candy.  I gave him some yesterday.  He said he really liked the booklet, and remembered it from when he was a child, he actually learned to read off the booklet.  I thought that was cool.  I may tell World Missionary Press about that.  That's a story they would like. 

We were going to go through the Jack in the Box drive through, but they were closed "for remodeling".  So I settled for McDonald's instead. 

They were pretty quick getting the food while Ron and Mike waited in the cab.  Ron got food, too.  I went back out with the food and gave it to Ron.  Ron ate his fries in the cab, carefully, so as not to make a mess. 

Mike didn't want anything, I asked.  We went home.  He got the wheelchair for Ron and Ron paid him.  We went in the house and ate our food.  I took my evening pills, I felt well enough for that. 

I also took a naproxen because I wasn't happy with the lurking headache.  It did the job. 

I took a nap for a couple of hours and woke feeling pretty rested.  I always feel tired but I didn't have that dragging fatigue that goes along with a migraine.  I also had enough energy to write all this, so the meds did work. 

We have tomorrow "off".  We go to work on Saturday to do a supply run and stock.  I just realized we didn't do an inventory.  Ooops.  Ron will have to guess. 

I have a good idea what I need so I'm not worried.  "Big chips" have been VERY popular lately.  I plan to get two each of plain, and hot. 

Enough about work; I need to go change the litter boxes.  Fun fun! 


Public Transit

Waiting on our ride.  Driver is apparently lost, or smoking crack.  We have been waiting almost an hour to go 10 miles, tops

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

The Gift

On Thanksgiving, my uncle sent me home with most of a bottle of wine.  For Ron. 

During catastrophic blackouts, I have called my aunt and uncle to come pick us up.  Probably the most memorable was the one in 2007 where he beat me up, I only got him to stop by whacking him over the head with a sneaker and telling him (I lied) I called the police. 

When my uncle showed up, he wanted to check on Ron.  He went in there and Ron thought he was the officer assigned to investigate my call.  He told my uncle he'd had a blackout because I was a bad housekeeper. 

Yeah. 

Now, I am a bad housekeeper but I have never read anything that says bad housekeeping forces formerly sober individuals to become alcoholics.  That a cluttered sink somehow forces an individual to down obscene amounts of intoxicants. 

But that has always been Ron's argument: I'm a bad housekeeper, so he drinks.  Some have told me to "clean up" as if that will fix Ron.  No, he will just find something else to bitch about.  I have brain damage; and cognitive issues due to my medication.  I am lucky to keep up with the laundry and litterboxes. 

Let's note he married me after living with 11 years of bad housekeeping.  So obviously it wasn't that big a deal. 

I know better, but I worry others will get sucked into Ron's games, so I try not to bring others into it.  If my safety is at risk, though, I have no problem calling for help and getting the hell out. 

"But who will take care of him?" someone asked my aunt after I had fled in 2007.  Well, that's his problem, I thought.  It's certainly not mine.  Not if he's endangering me. 

So, last night Ron had a blackout and fell on the floor.  He told me today he had drunk some of the wine and wanted to know how much.  From what I can tell, he had about a third of the bottle, plus God knows what else. 

He said he will be more careful with it from now on.  Good.  I hope he is. 

"Why did he give me a bottle of wine?" Ron asked. 

"I guess he figured with what you drink, this would be nothing to you." 

Now, I'm sure you have a lot to say.  I will not be posting any comments on this, but I will read them. 

Yet another blackout

Ron had a blackout last night and fell on the floor, made some noise.  He also called paratransit and deleted half our trips for the day.  He will have to call back and fix it, and get some penalty marks for that. 

I had some trouble sleeping due to noise he made.  When he got up this morning I told him "Whatever you drank last night, you need to dial it back". 

"Oh, I planned to have a blackout last night."  I was utterly disgusted. 

How selfish.  I just told him to change his pants, as they are "ruined" until I get a chance to wash them. 

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

It takes two people to fight

Yesterday was OK, but Ron has been positively awful to me today. 

I don't want to be understanding.  I don't want to say "Well, Ron's leg is bothering him a lot so he snaps at me".  No, he is choosing to be cruel. 

It was just one thing after another today, it got so bad I actually cried at work (no one was around).  I have - I won't say I have never done that but if I have, it's been a very long time. 

What did I do today?  Let's look at that.  I got up with a bad headache, took something (aspirin didn't touch it, today), went to Sam's, got a whole flatbed full of stuff, heavy drinks mainly.  Then I put them in the truck, took them to work, unloaded.  The sun was in my eyes as I unloaded, which was pretty miserable.  Then I put them in the fridge. 

The whole time Ron is yelling at me, criticizing, cursing me, negative talk, etc.  Headache got worse.  I stocked.  I helped customers. 

One in particular, sticks out.  She is one of the new, temporary, hires for Christmas.  They will work her 12 hour days, 6 days a week, for 5-6 weeks and then lay her off.   They do this every year.  They may keep a couple of the really hard workers with good attitudes. 

First she wanted change for a $5.  I gave her that.  I watched as she bought a soda from the bottle vendor to make sure she had a good experience. 

Then she wanted a spork.  Fine. 

Then she wanted a fork.  I told her all I had were sporks, she wanted another one.  OK. 

Lastly, she asked me if she could "Get a soda now and pay for it after payday".  Payday isn't for a month, most temp workers don't get their pay until after they have turned in their badge.  I laughed and told her no, my "Husband would have my head on a stick". 

I am glad she is temporary.  Some customers are just a lot more demanding.  But I did all of this, with a proto-migraine, Ron shouting at me everytime he knew I was around, etc. 

It was pretty difficult. 

Yesterday was better; a customer complimented me on my decor, twice, and asked me to keep wearing my santa hat.  Some people today did like my Santa hat so I am glad I'm wearing it. 

I bought $60 worth of candy (snickers full size, and assorted bagged candy) to do up more Driver Candy.  It was hard to get it all home, I had so much.  I put it on the Bible bookcase, it's evangelism.  I used $20 of donations (a lady sends me some now and then), and the rest of "my" money to do them.  I ordered more booklets.  I just need to get more bags at the store next time I go. 

Back to Ron, when he has been like this at various hospitals, usually the nurse/helper is very understanding, but firm.  She "understands" without accepting it, or taking it personally.  I wish I could be that person, but maybe - [sigh] I don't know.   If I had to pay $1000 to get a pill that would help me do it, I would. 

I don't want to do the whole "My heart is too tender for this kind of abuse" although it feels that way.  I may just need to grow a thicker hide.  I'm tougher than I used to be, Ron used to be so awful to me I would end up crying in public, which angered him to no end.  He felt I was humiliating him with my tears.  He would be yelling at me to stop crying and I would cry harder. 

He wonders why I don't cry so easy, anymore.  Those days are long gone, before I would let myself be that vulnerable with him again.  He says he misses the old me.  I bet.  I would be totally destroyed if he looked at me wrong, and some of my diary entries make me absolutely nauseous.  "Oh, I upset him!  I am the worst person!" 

Ugh.  But I don't want to be a cold hearted, stone hearted, bitch, either.  There's a happy place where I am protected, God is happy, and I can live with myself.  I haven't found that yet.  I don't want to be another victim of caregiver burnout but it would be so easy.  It's not that I could side into it, I actively have to fight caregiver burnout everyday and saying "I don't care anymore" and just stop caring altogether.  It is very hard to fight.  Sometimes I don't want to. 

It says in the Bible that Jesus didn't answer back when they attacked him, right before they crucified him.  They had him in a house and tortured him for several hours.  He only said he was the Christ because they made him swear by "The Living God". 

So I try to emulate Him.  I don't respond when Ron makes personal attacks.  1.  It makes Ron mad and 2.  I don't have to crawl around in the mud with him, even though he wants it. 

Today he accused me of trying to sabotage his business.  See, he opened the fridge and we didn't have  a Sprite.  Somehow that is my fault.  I told him he must not have told me when he stocked it, because I always replace a drink I remove from the fridge.  He didn't much like hearing that.  He yelled at me, off and on, for an hour. 

Now, back in the old days, I would have retorted, with sarcasm, when Ron made that crack about me trying to ruin his business.  But I didn't.  I just kept stocking the munchie mix.  It takes two people to fight, and I wasn't fighting. 

I know, when I am hurting to some degree (not, never, with a migraine, I just want to crawl off and die), I get cranky.  I tried to understand that.  Ron is hurting today. 

But he doesn't have to take it out on me.  I don't pour alcohol down his throat.  I didn't run over him.  Why is he angry at me?  Like I tell him "I'm the only one you've got". 

"Oh, he's mean to you because he knows you won't leave".  He'd better not assume that.  Sometimes he talks about going to live in assisted living.  And I am tempted to let him go, and rot, especially when he is so terrible to me when he knew I had a migraine. 

Then I see him with my cat, or his, and he's so sweet.  The old Ron is still there (before you start yelling at the screen, hang in there).  But he needs to make a priority to treat me at least as well as he treats the cats.  Providing for my needs, changing my litterbox, so to speak, is not enough.  I require respect, courtesy, and consideration.  He doesn't even have to spend a lot of time with me but it has to be a good quality.  I don't need stuff, or things.  I don't need him to set the thermostat at 80 or take me out to dinner every night. 

It's what I need him not to do: verbal abuse. 

I don't want him to be sorry.  I don't want apologies.  I don't want excuses.  I don't want to hear about all the forces, the vodka, the pain, that "drove" you to be ugly.  I just want you to respect me. 

Sometimes I think that is an impossibility with my husband. 

I can't help but think, I am a terrible housekeeper (not that excuses verbal abuse).  A lot of men wouldn't understand that.  Ron does.  He does try to accommodate my eccentricities. 

But please, no name calling, no cursing.  No personal attacks. 

I never fight like that.  Worst thing I do is relate what he did during a blackout, and half the time he talks about that on his own, anyway.  He is still talking about the time he fell off the walker and split the back of his head open.  He thinks it is funny to relate how I found a huge pool of blood, with a blood trail, going to his room. How I went in his room and found blood all over Ron, the pillow, and the bedding. 

How is that ever funny?  That's truly awful.  The photos were so bad I never even put them up.  They look like a murder scene.  I keep them to "prove" Ron had a history of self-abusive blackouts.  I don't want to end up on legal charges with Ron hurt one day. 

"He was abusive".  Yes, he was.  But he did this to himself.  One of many reasons I keep this blog.  Evidence this has been doing on a long time, Ron making self-destructive choices and hurting himself. 

I just got up to use the bathroom.  Ron's asleep, crossways, on his bed, his head next to Torbie, who seems pretty happy with him.  When he gets up he will treat them. 

Biscuit is hovering, trying to get some dinner out of me.  Ooooh.  My ear is ringing.  Lithium side effect.  It faded.  I do feel a little lightheaded, though. 

I hate migraines. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

3 little piggies

This morning, first thing, we went to the pet store.  The cats are eating a tremendous amount of cat food and I needed more. 

We had them drop us at the Kolache Factory.  We went in, I bought some Diet Dr Pepper and a couple of cream cheese.  Ron wanted to go to Starbucks, fine. 

I don't support their politics so I didn't buy anything.  I'm not a coffee drinker, either.  Ron got his latte. 

I left Ron alone at the table, his Christmas lights flashing merrily, and went to the store.  I admired a nice looking scratcher.  $50.  I went and bought the cat food, which cost more than the scratcher.  I feed Blue Wilderness cat food and it's not cheap when you have 3 cats.  3 little piggies. 

I called Ron for some reason, oh, to tell him I was buying the 11 pound bag.  Not because it is cheaper per pound, but I have a 10 pound storage container and it's airtight.  I figured I could put a pound out for the cats and store the rest. 

Ron asked if they had any good scratchers.  I told him they did, and one looked good.  He told me I should buy him. 

Twist my arm, already.  Our old scratcher looks terrible.  I asked Mom for a new one for Christmas, for the cats, but we can always use another one. 

I stuck it in the cart.  It wasn't too heavy. 

I have a hard time spending money on myself, but I have no problem spending it on the cats.  It took me half a week to come up with my Christmas list, but I had their presents laid out in an hour. 

Poor Starbucks.  I come in lugging 16 pounds of cat food (I bought a 5 pound bag too), in a bag on my right shoulder, and a huge scratcher over my left arm, wearing it like a fashion accessory.  No one twitched. 

I sat with Ron for a while (I put my stuff down), until it was about time for our ride to arrive. 

I had Ron hold the scratcher and put the bag of cat food on my right shoulder.  And I wonder why my poor shoulder went out a couple months ago. 

The driver was OK as long as I was the one handling the scratcher.  He kept looking at it like it was going to bite him. 

We went home, I took a nap.  I was pretty wound up and didn't sleep very well. 

We went to Dennys.  Ron was hungry, I wasn't.  There were a lot of sick customers.  Then our driver to come home was sick.  Great.  I washed my hands when I got home, and drank a protein shake with some vitamin C. 

Now I have to go to bed early, because our Dr Pepper delivery is coming at 3 AM tomorrow morning.  That's going to be one early wakeup. 

But the 3 little piggies love their new scratcher.  Torbie and Biscuit have both laid in the little hammock, and scratched on the posts.  I haven't seen Baby Girl go after it yet.  I moved the old scratcher and she found it, scratching on it happily. . So we'll keep the old one. 

I aim to keep them happy. 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Instatiable

I had to get up pretty early today, but I got my God Time (most of it) and my shower.  We went to Sam's club and bought more canned Coke for the business.  We have been doing a lot of Coke lately.  Other than that, Ron says canned sodas are pretty slow. 

It doesn't help that they installed a huge, industrial ice machine not far from our vending machines, but it's their facility, they can do what they want.  I do believe it does hurt our sales, but it's not like they asked (or had to ask) permission to do it. 

We just try to appeal to them anyway.  I brought a huge bag of decorations and, when we got to work, set to work setting them up.  Christmas trees on top of the vending machines, and lights on the wheelchair.  I didn't take the batteries out of the lights last year, so it was easy to just affix them to the handles and then flip the switch.  It looks good.  I will have to take a photo in the dark one day. 

I also had a santa hat.  I tried to get a good photo of me in the hat, but wasn't happy with it.  I figured you would want to see it anyway, and posted it. 

Then I got to work stocking.  It didn't take very long but I got it all done.  I was glad snacks were doing better than sodas; they seem to like what I'm stocking. 

Snacks are pretty much my department.  I will ask Ron for opinions now and then, but I stock it with merchandise I think will sell, and usually it does.  The Nacho Doritos are a little slow, though. 

I finished my work and helped Ron with his, then we hung out for a little while because paratransit had gotten us there early. 

Finally time to go.  We had a hysterical ride home with an immigrant cab driver who told us all about polygamous marriages in Africa.  It was fascinating. 

We got home and I took a nap.  I got up at 3.  For some reason, I thought we were leaving at 4.  I did my God Time and got on the computer for a little bit.  And Ron wasn't up.  He finally woke up and I asked him about our pickup.  5.  I could have slept in another hour!  And I was sleeping so good! 

Oh, well, too late.  I turned on the wheelchair lights again and waited on our ride.  She was a little late but not too bad.  I had time to get all my stuff, do a deposit at my bank, and get some takeout from McDonald's.  We had a good ride home. 

I put away the cat litter, I didn't want the driver dealing with a 40 pound package.  The driver helped with my other stuff but I didn't mind that, it was all light.  I put that away and then got Ron, admiring his lights in the dark. 

Ron said a little kid exclaimed over his lights while he was at the Walmart.  Our driver liked it, too. 

I think it is very fun to light up a wheelchair with Christmas lights.  If you have the chair, you might as well use it as a frame for something fun.  Easy enough to do and a lot of fun for everyone. 

He wouldn't wear the antlers today, so I will settle for having the lights. 

I checked the mail.  A lot of catalogs, I mentally apologized to the flat sorters (a machine at work that sorts catalogs), and threw them away.  Nothing I was interested in. 

We came inside.  The neighbors (#6, of course) are having a party.  The youngest is turning three.  They have been pretty quiet overall so that's good. 

I'll be glad when they finish, so I can go to bed.  Tomorrow I have to go get more cat food.  Ever since I took them off the diet, the cats have been insatiable. 

Me and my Santa hat

Friday, November 24, 2017

A short post

Pretty depressed today, didn't do much of anything.  Ron just slept the whole time. 

I did get some nice cuddles with the cats, so I enjoyed that.  Baby Girl is running around and meowing right now. 

Tomorrow we should be pretty busy with work.  When I'm like this I always do better working. 

More tomorrow

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving!

I got up fairly early this morning.  I wasn't sure when my aunt would send someone to pick me up, and I wanted to be ready.  I needed to get my shower in, and do my God Time.  I did all that, and before I could really get online my uncle texted me that he was in the driveway. 

He wanted to come in and see Ron.  I think he feels empathy for Ron, not just because he (my uncle) is a good Christian man, but they both had strokes.  He knows, probably better than anyone, some of what Ron went through. 

Ron was dressed so I brought my uncle in to say hi.  Ron affirmed he planned to stay home and have a lazy day, no offense, I love you, just want to stay home.  Happy, my uncle and I left. 

It was funny to see how the cats reacted when I brought my uncle in the house.  Flatly said, I don't have visitors.  Biscuit fled, my uncle never even saw him.  Baby Girl hung out long enough to get a sniff of him, waited to see if he would pet her, and left when he didn't.  Torbie came right up to him, smelling his leg and meowing for petting.  He didn't pet any of the cats because his son's dog is visiting.  Belle is an elderly lab and he didn't want to get her worked up when she smelled him. 

Or maybe he just didn't want to pet Torbie.  That's fine.  I am glad to see Torbie is still an outgoing cat. 

We left.  We stopped at the gas station on the way.  I handed out a scripture booklet.  I was glad I had brought some. 

We arrived at their house pretty quickly.  We took a major freeway to another major freeway.  All the freeways were pretty clear today.  I'm sure some poor souls had to work downtown but the average Houstonian didn't. 

We got to the house, my aunt gave me the tour.  It is a nice house in a comfortable subdivision.  I saw the dog in the backyard. 

I didn't interact with the dog, ironically enough, because I didn't want to upset the cats when I got home. 

Two of my cousins were there, a wife, and two children, in addition to my aunt and uncle.  My cousin David was working on the turkey in the fryer.  My aunt and her daughter in law were putting the finishing touches on dinner. 

Yesterday at Sam's Club, I saw a nice sweet potato pie.  I thought about bringing it but then figured my aunt always has everything anyway.  They finished getting everything ready (the kitchen was big enough for 2 people, but not 3, not at my size any rate). 

David brought in the turkey and did a good job of cutting it up.  Whenever I had Ron do my turkey he always dismembered it.  I waited until a couple of people had gone through the line before I got my food.  I got some nice juicy turkey breast.  The dark meat had been really popular so I saved that for the fans.  I honestly don't care which turkey meat I get, light or dark, so it didn't matter. 

My uncle opened a bottle of wine and poured a glass, no one else was interested.  Ron would have helped.   

At one point one of my cousins asked what was wrong with me, exactly.  He was a lot nicer than that.  I just mentioned the bipolar "with other things" because I figured he didn't want the whole case history.  I take these pills everyday and people like having me around, no drama is my motto.  I left it at that.  He can always ask his mother for more details. 

About halfway through the meal, I quietly took my pills and put away my little container with the screw on lid.  My 8 best friends, I didn't have breakfast this morning so I took my antidepressant a little later today, with the other pills.  (2 antidepressant, 4 lithium, one antipsychotic, and one mood staiblizer)

It was a good meal.  Then we had dessert, supposed to be 3 kinds of pie but one of them didn't work out.  So we had pecan and pumpkin.  I asked if I could have brought the sweet potato and my aunt said she had never had it, none of them had.  So next year I think I might, just to give them something different. 

My house is a mess so no one wants anything I cooked (honest), so a premade gift would be good, I think.  My cousin put the kids to bed for a nap and my uncle did the dishes.  He was fast, and good at it.  They have a good team, he and my aunt. 

My uncle wanted to send home the rest of the bottle of wine, for Ron.  I thought about it.  Ron was going to drink anyway and this was a one time occasion.  I decided to take it.  It's a red wine, which I used to love, but red wine always used to give me migraines. 

Yes, my uncle knows about Ron's problem.  I didn't tell them Ron is considering taking medication, but I did mention he wants to talk to his doctor pretty soon.  Considering we are coming up on our busy season, I don't think it will be in the next month, but if Ron wants to go I will absolutely take him. 

We hung out for a while after dinner and then my aunt and uncle drove me home.  They fixed me a to go plate for Ron so he has something to eat when he wakes up. 

After I left the house, Ron had sent me a lot of texts, but then he had a couple of drinks and went to bed.  When I got home I told him about the wine (he knows not to expect this again), but he said he had already had his two drinks and didn't want any more.  I was happy to hear that.  He said to put the wine in the fridge so I did that. 

I don't know if you're supposed to put wine in the fridge. 

Sometimes, when Ron had a wine box, I would take a little red wine and put it in my bone broth to give it a better flavor.  That's about the closest I have come to drinking in a very long time.  I have always been paranoid about becoming an alcoholic, but, many years ago, about 20, I used to like a good dark beer now and then when I went out with Ron.  Newcastle Brown Ale was my favorite. 

My aunt asked me how long I have been taking my medication, I told her just a little over 11 years now.  Thank God all the unmedicated, didn't know I was sick, days are behind me. 

And that's the thing, I always knew I was sick.  I knew I had something wrong with me, something that wanted to kill me, but the doctors couldn't figure it out.  Until one day they did. 

Funny thing, it wasn't a doctor who diagnosed me at all.  It was a mental health technician from a local mental hospital.  I remember it like it was yesterday, he wanted the history, I gave it to him. 

He looked at me "Has anyone ever said you're bipolar?"
"No, they always told me I wasn't.". 
"Well, you are." 

Just like that. 

I took a nap and called my parents when I woke up.  They went out to dinner with my stepsister.  We were pretty distant growing up but I think she started liking me a lot better after my diagnosis, seeing me rescue cats, stuff like that.  She also likes Ron a lot and probably respects me for sticking with him.  It was nice to talk to her too. 

Now I just need to add some things to my Amazon list for me.  I really need to think what I would like for me.  It is easy to come up with things for Ron or the cats, not so easy to think of something for me. 

I'm glad I can say that I can't really think of a gift I need. 

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Another road trip

We had yesterday off. 

It was supposed to rain, it didn't.  I was horribly depressed.  After my nap, I figured why not take Ron to the new taco place that opened up nearby? 

I'm on a message board, and one of the acronyms is OPSEC.  It stands for operational security.  It also means privacy/secrecy. 

So I will endeavor to explain my journey without blowing my OPSEC.  We live in the middle of a subdivision, half a mile from a very busy road.  The bus runs up and down this road.  We've lived here for about 14 years. 

About half a mile down the busy road, you can find a strip mall.  It has a gas station and some empty store fronts.  One of the stores opened up, a taco place.  Ron and I have been curious to try it. 

A sidewalk runs all the way down our subdivision main street, to the busy street.  It breaks off for about 30 feet and then resumes, a sidewalk running down the busy street.  It looked passable to push Ron in the wheelchair. 

So, I asked, why not go?  Ron agreed and we got out the old, heavy-duty, wheelchair.  This thing has gone on a lot of trips with us.  I began pushing him through the subdivision.  So far, so good. 

We got to the end of the subdivision, where the sidewalk breaks off.  Ron had said he could walk about 30 feet, which it was, approximately, but he had a lot of trouble "walking", if you can call it that. 

We agreed he needs to do more physical therapy, exercise bike, and practice walking with the walker when he is sober.  He said he will do that and he has so far. 

I got him back in the wheelchair and we went down the sidewalk by the busy road.  It wasn't easy going, but not hard, either, I would say.  Ron felt terrible about "making (me) work".  I told him it was no big deal and I needed the exercise. 

The sun was going down.  I wondered how we would find the return trip, in the dark. 

We were OK until I got to the next cross street down from my subdivision.  It has a traffic light, a couple of lanes going each direction, and fairly busy.  We crossed, next to the big plant. 

And the sidewalk went from bad to worse.  It was covered in dirt and dried mud, making passage almost impossible.  I had to literally plow Ron through the dirt and dried mud for a good third of a mile.  Ron began saying we would not go back, we would take a cab, he was very sorry, etc. 

I figured I had earned a nice quesadilla.  I was looking forward to it.  We got to the strip mall, I hung a turn, and up to the door.... and, hey, it's awfully dark. 

They closed at 2.  Well, shit. 

The gas station glowed brightly in the twilight.  Well, we might as well go there.  I went in and bought some junk snacks.  They had a huge "No Loitering" sign posted by the door so I explained we were waiting on a cab, we had tried to go to the taco place, etc. 

The owner said that was fine and rang me up.  I went back out to Ron.  He had been calling all his cab drivers.  He has quite a registry in his phone, I really need to copy them.  Some of them weren't working anymore.  Most of them were unavailable.  Some just didn't answer. 

Well, shit. 

Ron called Yellow Cab and got a "bite" in a few minutes, but the guy seemed flaky and decided he didn't want the trip when Ron told him where we were. 

Well, shit. 

A carload of what looked like skinheads showed up, they were rowdy and looking for trouble.  I watched them very closely ("Keep your head on a swivel"), until they left. 

The cab company put the trip out again and this time Ron got another bite.  The driver called Ron and got our exact location.  We had the exact address for the gas station, gas station name, etc.  It had a huge, brightly lit sign as well.  It was totally dark by now. 

I wondered if my lithium would like a bag of sour cream and onion chips, plus some Reese's pieces.  I'd find out when I got home, if I ever did. 

I told Ron I was giving it until 6:30 and then I would push him home.  Stanley showed up well before then. 

Stanley was driving a minivan (good, easy to put away the wheelchair), was black, and had dreadlocks.  I was delighted to see him.  We loaded the wheelchair. 

Ron explained why we had such a short trip but promised a good tip.  Stanley reminded us this would make a good story to tell sometime, and I thought about you, of course, wherever you are. 

We got home and I went to bed. 

This morning, I was depressed and exhausted.  Ron had kept me up (not meaning to) because he hadn't been able to sleep. 

We had had a discussion about his drinking.  He said, as far as he could see it, it shouldn't matter if someone chose to walk around impaired, as long as they weren't driving or operating machinery.  I didn't argue with him but reminded him society clearly doesn't agree. 

Today we talked some more (his instigation) and he said he is interested in trying an antidepressant, which I think would be really helpful for him.  We'll see if it actually comes to pass. 

At any rate, I was beat.  I took my pills (gotta practice what I preach) and we headed out the door.  Today was snack day. 

I bought a lot of snacks for work and we took them with Chuck, who is apparently fine, and got the truck fixed.  I stocked it all (that took a while) but everything looked really good when I left.  I hate feeling embarrassed about my snack machines. 

We came home.  I had planned to take a short nap but the yard guy came.  I'm glad he did.  He did a great job, as usual.  Just, no nap. 

I took a shower (I hadn't, this morning), and did my God Time (I hadn't, this morning).  Then I bagged up some candy with scripture booklets for a while until our ride came. 

The candy was a big hit with the driver and we went to Denny's.  We had a good dinner.  I had fried eggs, an english muffin (I was craving one), and pancakes.  Ron had a chicken fried steak and had them cut it up for him.  He didn't want to "bother" me. 

I was fine with that but knew it made me look bad, but I don't care.  It is nice not to have to do everything, all the time.  Ron enjoyed his food, too, and didn't make a mess. 

Our driver was late but not overly so.  We were his last trip before he went home, so he was motivated to move quickly! 

We got home pretty quick.  I bagged up some more candy for a while, fed the cats, cleaned their boxes, etc. 

I got on the computer and added some things to my wish list.  I wanted Mom to have a selection for Christmas.  Last year I was depressed and didn't do anything, she managed to figure something out, but I think she would have liked it made a little easier. 

I put some cat scratchers, a new fanny pack for Ron, etc.  I am having a hard time coming up with things for me, which I suppose is a good thing.  I am so well set I don't need anything.  Or at least it feels that way. 

She always used to give me acne soap in my stocking, every year (along with other, more fun, things).  Funny thing, 30 years later I am still using acne soap.  Not the same brand, but same idea. 

Tomorrow Ron stays home while I go to dinner at my aunt's house.  I think he would do better at home.  He will probably get very drunk but at least I will get some fun time with family. 

For now, I plan to stay with Ron and see how things turn out.  I see a lot of movement, for lack of a better word, in his life.  I am very hopeful that he will try an antidepressant and have a good result.  I told him it's going to take a while to see results, but if he sticks with it he may be pleasantly surprised how much better he feels. 

My sniffles have cleared up pretty well taking the Claratin, so whatever I have right now is allergies.  Still have the digestive issue but I will give that time.  I'm not overly worried, I don't have any concerning symptoms, and lithium is known to cause digestive trouble. 

That's it for now.  Happy Thanksgiving! 

Monday, November 20, 2017

Crewel world

We went to work, stocked.  Came home and I took a nap. 

I had a hard time getting up.  I decided to take a claratin because my symptoms are more "allergy" and less "head cold".  It helped. 

So now I know, allergies. 

We rode home from work with a woman wearing a face mask, deep, hacking, moist, coughs, muttering "I'll be glad when I get this mold out of my lungs".  Thinking, oh, God, don't let it be contagious (she took her face mask off). 

Sometimes I really don't like riding with very sick people.  Imagine if she were riding with a chemo patient or something.  My favorite, one time we picked up a woman in a wheelchair, wearing an indecently short skirt (had I cared to look, I could have seen her privates), lower legs swathed in bandages, oozing pus.  Or the guy who scraped his scab all over Ron's wheelchair because "It was itchy".  Thank God we were going home, you can bet I sanitized the hell out of the wheelchair before I let Ron OR the driver touch that. 

I don't like to ride sick but sometimes it is unavoidable.  In my case, though, I haven't been contagious, it's just been allergies.  Explains why I haven't had a sore throat since early last week. 

So I told my aunt I could make it to Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to go if I am sick.  That would be a lousy holiday gift, getting her sick. 

Some cousins and their kids will be there, too.  I told Ron I was going but he wants to stay home and eat a TV dinner.  So I got him a couple of TV dinners so he has something to eat. 

I guess you could say I bought him Thanksgiving dinner.  We have done formal dinners before, one time I cooked collards I grew myself.  Another time I did a chicken, which was much more our size than a giant turkey.  We have a small freezer and I don't like turkey THAT much.   One year Bubba cat (the black one) stole my turkey neck before I could cook it for stock. 

We went to Walmart.  I got Ron the things on his list.  I got him some magnesium.  He is getting, I think, plenty of calcium from his antacids.  But he needs magnesium.  I know for a fact he isn't eating any whole grains or leafy green veggies, so I decided to see if he would take the magnesium.  It's only 1 pill a day, unlike the cal-mag-zinc which was 3. 

I worry about his bones, among other things.  When I gave him the magnesium and explained he actually said he would take it.  Good. 

I bought myself some pepto in case I have any more digestive issues.  So far I have been OK.  I think the Kerala Egg Roast got me.  It was hardboiled eggs in a spicy tomato sauce.  Better than it sounds but pretty firey.  I pulled 3 hot pepper seed casings out of my sauce. 

I found the Glucosamine and bought Ron some.  He is using it to avoid hand surgery, which I understand.  I wouldn't want a Medicare doctor cutting on my good hand if I only had the one.  It took me a while to find it, though. 

Then I got some Driver Candy.  I got some paydays, mint patties, and some assorted chocolate, 3 pounds' worth.  Then I got an 80 count package of bags for them. 

That reminds me, I need to order some more Scripture booklets tomorrow. 

Cat litter, cat food, cat treats.  Cats ended up costing half the bill. 

I have a sewing issue I had to resolve, so I bought some thread and a package of crewel needles, which seemed to have the biggest eye (I want easy threading).  Later on, I did my mending. 

Then I checked out.  I had to pick up the 38 pound package of cat litter so she could scan the bottom.  I wouldn't let her pick it up because I saw a dialysis bandage on her arm.  I know what they look like, having ridden with dialysis patients for so long.  I thought it was sad that she had to work at Walmart during the holidays.  She rang everything correctly and then we headed outside. 

We had Anthony again.  We get him a lot when we go to Walmart.  Ron had to ride in the back because we were picking up 3 other clients on the way home.  I stuffed all my junk (crap) in the back with Ron. 

When we got home I unloaded everything and got it put away, then I "let" Ron have the kitchen.  I think, while he is back drinking, he is drinking less. 

He also read the autobiography of Phil Collins.  Phil actually reads the talking book which Ron found fun.  Phil talks, apparently, very candidly about his drinking issues and how he had some accidents while drinking.  That led Ron to reflect on his drinking. 

He asked me to take him to the doctor and have him put on antabuse if he gets "really bad".  I told him the drug has one problem, namely, that the drunk has to take it every day.  My mother did not.  She had many prescriptions for it but would not take it on a consistent, daily, basis, drinking whenever she pleased.  He said he would take it. 

Maybe he wouldn't, maybe not.  I hope we don't get to that point.  Hopefully he would go to AA first. 

I think Ron needs to be around some positive, recovering, role models in his life.  Maybe I will suggest this.  Suggest AA while he is "good" and then see if he goes, if he likes it he can stick with it when he relapses. 

Good idea.  Not what AA would suggest but they don't know Ron. 

We have tomorrow off.  I plan to bag up a lot of Driver Candy tomorrow and get that all set up.  The rest of the day should be pretty quiet. 

We'll see. 

Sunday, November 19, 2017

I'll be glad when I'm better

I've still been depressed. 

Yesterday we went to Sam's Club and got some inventory, but we were constrained by the size of the pickup truck.  We needed, really, 2 weeks of supplies and only had 1 week of sodas and a little bit of snacks. 

Our secondary is out, I don't know what is going on with him.  1.  He said the truck needed repairs and would be finished (this) week, but the last couple days he has been sending Ron gibberish text messages.  Ron tried to call him but it went to voicemail.  We don't know his address or I would call someone to do a welfare check; he is definitely OUT. 

Our Saturday guy can only do one trip on Saturday morning so that's out, and he is going to be gone this Saturday, as well. 

We need to start recruiting some more drivers.  I'm thinking retirees (like our secondary) would be best, but will leave it up to Ron. 

So, we went to work, put stuff in the fridge, and then went out to dinner, later.  After dinner I barely made it home before I had a toilet emergency.  Thank God I didn't have to clean all that up! 

Doc says lithium can create problems, it could have been the unfamiliar dish, a bad protein bar for breakfast, etc.  It could have been the large doses of vitamin C I am taking for my sniffles.  I don't know. 

It made for an unpleasant night.  I am glad the bathroom is close to the bedroom, and Ron didn't need it. 

I slept in this morning until 10.  I was shocked, the latest I have gone lately is 8.  I guess I am fighting something off. 

I have been sniffling all day but nothing major.  I don't know if my vitamin C and Zinc Lozenge therapy arrested my cold before it could get bad, or my immune system did it on it's own, but the cold hasn't been very bad. 

Knock on wood. 

I have been trying to get a lot of sleep because I figure that was a factor in me getting sick to begin with. 

The cats have been good, all of them have been cute and sweet in their own ways, Torbie has slept with me.  Biscuit has slept with me.  Baby Girl came and begged for food, on her own, earlier.  She normally only begs with Biscuit, but she got a taste for canned tuna and asked for some.  She was so cute I gave it to her, of course.  She even let me kiss her, today. 

Normally my cats hate to be picked up.  They hate kisses.  2 of them hate getting in my lap and will flat out walk past me if I am available.  Only Torbie gives me lap time, and only when she feels like it. 

But they have all been pretty cuddly, probably because I have been sick. 

I'll be glad when I'm better. 

Thursday, November 16, 2017

"You need to eat"

For a very long time, almost up to my 30's, everytime I got sick people would nag me to eat.  They would shove soup, toast, crackers, etc. at me, trying to keep me nourished. 

I almost always refused, because, if I did eat, I felt worse and/or vomited.  Vomiting with an already sore throat is a miserable prospect. 

It used to scare the heck out of my adoptive Mom, I wouldn't eat, wouldn't eat, so sick, barely drinking water, better take her to the hospital - and then just as the thought struck I would bounce out of bed, eating the entire contents of the fridge and back to my usual self. 

When I hit puberty, the migraines came.  Eating was really out of the question with a migraine, and pretty quickly, Mom stopped even trying to feed me.  She knew I would eat when I felt better.  Eating with a migraine just resulted in more misery, and they only lasted a day or so, anyway. 

Then I met Ron.  Ron was very aggressive in trying to get me to eat, which resulted in some arguments (ever had an argument with a migraine?  Or really sick?  Miserable).  Sometimes I would eat just to shut him up, get sick, then "tell him so".  He finally gave up on me around the time of the accident. 

When I'm sick, I don't eat.  I don't have an appetite so it seems foolish to eat.  My body knows how to fight infections, it's been doing it for 43 years.  I just need to step back and let it work. 

However, I did buy some bone broth at the store.  I figure it would be good to have on hand if I need it, or Ron does.  Ron, by the way, likes to eat when he is sick.  He likes chicken soup, etc.  So I probably need to get more of it. 

I do have one can of chicken and rice, in addition to the bone broth, because I can't just run to the store.  I have to plan ahead.  A trip to Walmart is minimum, $30, round trip in a cab.  A trip to Krogers is about an hour each ride on the bus, plus a mile of walking total.  Do you know how far someone could drive in an hour? 

So I try to hoard a little and have things on hand.  So I need to get this: crackers, and chicken soup, for Ron.  I need to get more soups for me (I do enjoy them when I am getting over something, as my appetite returns). 

I'd better put that on my list. 

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Horrible taste

Ugh, I have a horrible taste in my mouth from the lozenges.  But my cold has not progressed.  I have some very occasional sneezing and a little bit of a sore throat, but that's it. 

More significantly, I have the anorexia (lack of appetite) I find I develop when I'm sick.  But I am relatively functional, although very tired. 

So, what did I do today?  We went to the bank and made our deposit.  I got paid.  The bills in the other post were just some of the bills I have taken out of the vending machines; pretty typical of the worst.  Yet they still worked, amazingly. 

We came home.  I took another zinc lozenge (ugh) and a nap.  I woke up early, though. 

I took another zinc lozenge (every 3 hours per the box) and woke Ron up.  We were going to Walmart to get him his Gapapentin (Neurontin).  Our ride was right on time.  We got there and headed straight for the pharmacy.  Ron was almost out of his medication, and I wanted to make it the #1 priority.  I often do this, myself, with my medication. 

They didn't have it filled but the put the order in, so we had a half hour before we had to come back.  I found a kiddie cart and put Ron and the wheelchair into it.  Then I did our shopping.  Ron wanted antiacids.  He made a good point he is finally getting enough calcium, taking these.  He likes the yellow (banana) flavor.  When we got home he actually asked me to take out all the bananas and put them in a separate container, which I did. 

I cruised around and got the rest of our stuff, almost forgetting yet more zinc lozenges.  I bought an assortment of sugarfree cough drops, too.  I like those when I get a tickle in my throat, a dry mouth, or a sore throat. 

Shopping finished (I even got 2 packages of underwear), we went back to the pharmacy.  The computer called us while we were still in line, notifying us our order was ready.  It was $40 cheaper than the last refill. 

Then they wanted to consult with us, why, I don't know.  Ron has taken this stuff off and on or years.  She knows us, so she just asked if we had any questions and then handed it over.  Yay.  All done. 

Now we had to check out.  We had a long line at the pharmacy so I wasn't going to have them ring us up, although the could have. 

We found a nice lady on lane 7 and set everything on the conveyor belt.  She rang us up quickly.  Our "home" ride was late but not too bad, and it was a driver we like.  We had a straight trip. 

I unloaded everything and got it in the house.  I gave Ron his stuff to put away however he wanted, then put away my stuff.  I had some small pints of ice cream (good for my throat!) and some milk.  I put them away first.  I had planned to have soup for dinner but, as it turns out, all my soup had expired.  I have seen a lot of debates online about sell by dates on canned goods, but I didn't want to take a chance when I am already sick. 

I found a can of vegetarian vegetable, I eat that sometimes when I am getting over a puking migraine.  It only had 4 grams of protein.  I decided not to eat it, opting instead for a protein shake I made on my own that had over 30 grams of protein.  And it was easy to make.  I took my pills and ate some chips because I was craving something salty.  It worked. 

Now I'm getting ready to go to bed.  Ron's already asleep; I'm going to bed. 

I'll be glad when I'm better.  I don't blame myself for getting sick.  Ron kept me up 3 nights straight in a row, so totally sleep deprived.  Traveling, around a lot of sick people, bad diet, no cats even.  Not surprised I got sick. 

People put this

In our vending machines!

Zinc lozenges

No better, no worse.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Not now!

Battling the start of a cold. 

My aunt swears by zinc lozenges.  We will see. 

Going to bed early. 

Ron brought a 2 liter bottle of vodka in the house.  I found that very discouraging. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Day 3, "The long road home"

Last night Ron called the cab driver, who was happy to arrange a pickup for us to go back to the Greyhound bus terminal.

He was coming at 7.  I set my alarm for 5.  I took my shower, dressed, and took Ron down for something to eat.  He just ate some pastry.  I had bacon, sausage, pastry, and orange juice.  The waitress was very attentive.

We went back up to the room and got everything packed.  About 6:30, the cab driver called.  He was downstairs.

Wow.  I wish I could take him to Houston.

We loaded up and went downstairs to checkout.  That went pretty quick and we went out to the cab.  This time, the cab driver loaded everything as I helped Ron into the cab.

The cab driver stopped at a convenience store so I could get some Diet Dr Pepper.  As I got out of the cab, a man approached me, selling shoes.  I told him "No thanks".

"Aw, come on" he said "Help a guy out."

"I'll buy you a candy bar."  He told me what I wanted, and I added it to my total.  I gave it to him, then I got back into the cab with my four bottles of Diet Dr Pepper.  Never, ever, give them money.  It just goes to the habit, whatever it is.

We got to the Greyhound.  I don't like to say negative things, in general.  I don't like to say negative things about people or people groups, but no one there had a clue what they were doing.  I had to get in line twice.  No one could tell me where to wait on the bus.  They tried to put us on the wrong bus.  They freaked out again, over the wheelchair, until I told them he was walking up and was checking the wheelchair as baggage.

I ended up, with Ron, at the head of "Line A".  Line A had a lot of people in it, all supposedly going to Houston on the express bus.  The non-express bus takes twice as long, eight hours.

A nice young black lady with pink hair let me "cut" and was very encouraging "Here, move him back a little" and I wanted to hug her.  She was really delightful.  Finally, someone came, said the magic words "Houston bus" and said priority could go.  We all ran out to the bus.

I got Ron up the stairs and seated so fast, the driver had to chase us to get our tickets!

Now, I have been to a total of six Greyhound bus terminals.  Austin, Dallas, Galveston, Houston, Reno, and San Francisco.   Dallas was the worst by far.  Sorry, Dallas.  I sure hope I never have to go back.

I had to pee, of course, and it wasn't bad.  The driver did not exit the freeway, unlike all the other times, and they had hand sanitizer.  Ron had snacks and a drink, too.

We listened to music on headphones for most of the trip.  For a while, I had the horrible feeling we had gotten on the wrong bus, but I saw signs for 45 south, and we passed landmarks I remembered from our ride out.

We stopped in Buffalo, Texas, again for a break.  It's a cute little town.

We left Dallas late (just part of the chaos), and got to Houston late.  We passed a wreck on the freeway.

We got to Houston about half an hour before our ride home.  Someone let us into the "Package Express" area behind the bus station and we waited there for our ride (that is the official Houston paratransit "bus stop").  The driver needed directions but showed up on time.

Ron, wisely I felt, took a motion sickness pill.  When the cab came he had to ride in the back compartment, a very uncomfortable ride.  She got him loaded.  Happily, even though she had 2 clients in the back, no one had taken the "good" front seat, so I grabbed that.  We rode around for an hour and a half.

The driver asked Ron a question and he didn't answer.  The motion sickness pill had knocked him out.  She ran over potholes.  She ran over speedbumps.  She backed up (the vehicle has a back up beep), and not a peep or twitch out of Ron.

I talked pets with the driver, then "Good takeout in my part of town".  We finally got home.

All weekend, I had a nagging fear I had forgotten to lock the door to our house.  I worried about it off and on, and kept turning it over to God.  The door was shut, and, when I got in, locked.  The cats were happy to see us, and ate a lot of food.  Biscuit still wanted a can of tuna, though.

I just had to top off the water bowl.

I ate my Indian food leftovers, very good when warmed up a little.  My medication likes Tikka Masala, rice, and pan bread.  My medication likes just the masala and pan bread, actually.

I'm making myself hungry.

So, we're home.  Tomorrow we go to work.

Day 2 "Glasses for the blind"

Ron kept me up most of the night.  Whiskey, sausage, hamburger, and fried jalapeno peppers didn't agree.  And he had left his Tums at home. 

"Oh, God!" he kept moaning "The peppers!"  Needless to say, I didn't sleep too well. 

I woke up pretty early and took a shower.  The shower had a slow drain, it needed lye or some sort of caustic.  I did some of my God Time.  I had brought my Waterproof Bible along for the trip so I read out of that as I did my study/prayer time. 

I had breakfast vouchers.  Ron didn't want his so I took mine and went downstairs.  I ended up sharing a table with a lobbyist.  You always hear bad things about lobbyists, but she lobbies for the blind vendors program.  She was a very good listener, relatable, and a very nice person.  I liked her. 

I went back up to get Ron.  He was slow getting ready but I got him down to the conference room on time.  We had a lot of speeches, the state of the program, what is going on in government regarding our program (we heard from the lobbyist) and other speeches. 

We had a tradeshow.  I admired the shiny new snack machine I would never get and geeked out over the features.  Ron kept laughing at me.  We didn't see anything we would want to carry in our product lineup. 

We broke for lunch.  We had enough time go to upstairs and take a nap.  We both needed it after the lousy night we had. 

I slept pretty well considering.  We got ready and went downstairs again.  They had 4 choices.  You had to attend each seminar, but you could pick the order yourself. 

Ron chose electronic fee payment for the first one.  We will now be able to pay our fee online, like a checkout at Amazon or something.  Interesting.  We will have to get a dedicated debit card for that because I always worry about something like that getting hacked. 

Then we went to the micro market seminar.  A micro market is basically a convenience store without a cashier, you ring yourself up.  It has cameras and a recording system to catch the bad guys but, to quote the salesman "It isn't for the public".  It wouldn't work for us.  But it was interesting. 

Then we had the smart glasses.  They have cameras and AI, they can "read" things for you and do other things.  One of the prototypes wasn't working.  We sat in his room for half an hour but he couldn't get them to work.  Then we went to the other guy.  His worked, Ron was mildly interested, but kept saying I did all that for him. 

The second pair cost $3,500.  Good to know I am worth at least that!  [laugh]

It was after 5 PM.  We decided to go back to the bar.  Ron only had one drink and a basic bacon cheeseburger.  I also ordered a bacon cheeseburger. 

The blind vendors were having a banquet that night, chicken fajitas.  I will remind you I am not a big fan of chicken.  Not to mention, I wasn't sure how that would interact with my medication.  I know a burger works.  I didn't want an unknown and then I am up all night, sick.  Plus the tickets would have cost us nearly $80.  The burgers were only $12, and that's from a nice hotel.  Last but not least, Ron has a huge mouth on him and I wanted to keep him contained. 

We ran into the guy who trained Ron, they chatted a little bit.  Our burgers came.  They both had jalapenos on them, grilled.  Well, shit. 

I picked them off his burger, and them off mine, but I missed one of mine.  That was a spicy chomp between my molars, let me tell you!  The burgers came with fries and were very good.  I had no problems with my medication. 

We were both really tired so we went to bed early.  And Ron was sick all night again, he thinks this time is because he ate too much (they were really big burgers). 


Day 1, "I can get you a prostitute in 5 minutes"

Thursday we went to the Greyhound bus company and bought tickets to go to Dallas for our conference.  Our ride home was very late and we ended up waiting an extra hour.  Thursday night we went out for Indian food, one of my favorites, and went to bed as early as we could. 

Ron had dirty pants, so I had to wash 2 pair of his and one of mine before we could go.  My washer did the job. 

We left the next morning with 2 pairs of pants each, socks, underwear, etc.  Ron carried a backpack with his stuff, I carried a small duffel bag with mine. 

Paratransit picked us up on time.  It was the same driver who had made those comments a while back, the ones that would have gotten him in big trouble with the Secret Service had they found out.  The driver told us how he has gotten into trouble for yelling at the clients, and how one of them videoed him yelling at her and sent it to management.  It was an interesting ride. 

We got to the Greyhound.  Now the terminal in Houston (one of the largest cities in the country) has about 20 gates.  They have a ticket counter and an information desk. 

We went to the ticket counter and asked about the gate for our departure.  Gate 14.  They freaked out over the wheelchair until I told them Ron was "Going to have a miracle healing and walk onto the bus".  They told us to get the ticket stamped for priority boarding, at the information desk. 

But there wasn't anyone at the information desk.  Someone showed up right about the time I had planned to ask for a manager. 

I left Ron with the bag and got some drinks.  He warned me I would have to use the toilet on the bus. 

That wouldn't be a problem.  Although I have had problems, every time I go to use the toilet the driver gets off the freeway and I have to grab onto the walls to keep from falling, as the chemical laden tank sloshes beneath me. 

They boarded us.  We checked the wheelchair and had them put it underneath.  I was worried it might get damaged, or left behind, but figured I had to trust in God or what. 

Ron sat in the second row of seats, by the window.  He held both bags.  We had our medication in our bags so we didn't want to let them out of our possession.  That would be a horrible weekend for both of us without (Ron's nerve disease medication, and my mood stabilizers and antipsychotic) our pills. 

We left.  It was a pretty uneventful ride.  About 2 hours in, I had to pee. I had drunk a total of 2 and a half liters of diet soda by this point. 

I went to the toilet on board the bus.  The toilet was fine, but, sure enough, the driver exited the freeway as I peed.  We were taking a break in Buffalo, Texas. 

We had passed a lot of rolling hills with oak trees, and pine trees that grew in a Christmas tree shape.  I liked the latter a lot.  I wanted to decorate them. 

I disembarked.  Ron stayed.  I bought some snacks and came back.  They had a chicken place next door to the gas station and a lot of customers were buying chicken. 

Fried chicken, the original traveling food.  I don't like chicken much, unless it is in Indian food. 

We continued.  As we got to the end of the line, I saw a bunch of gospel/pro life bulletin boards.  I enjoyed them. 

When I was a little kid, my (step) mom and I took my little (step) brother for an errand.  We didn't know a radical group was protesting the local abortion office.  They circled our car as we passed on the road, screaming, shoving photos of dismembered babies up against the windows, and shouting at Mom.  She finally gunned the engine and floored it, they got out of the way! 

She was furious, and both of us kids were traumatized.  She took us out for ice cream.  I don't believe that is the way to get the prolife message out.  I prefer a photo of a smiling newborn with "choose life!" or, as I saw on one billboard, "Smile, your Mother chose life!".  Much better. 

They also had some evangelical/gospel messages.  I enjoyed them.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there, although it can feel that way at times. 

We finally got to Dallas.  They were having a huge parade and most of the streets were blocked off.  We waited until everyone got off, then we disembarked.  Ron did fine getting on and off the vehicles. 

They had the wheelchair waiting by the stairs, a very nice touch, I thought. 

We cut through the terminal.  It was very small and only had 6 gates.  I asked if they had a cab stand and they looked at me blankly, then pointed out to the street. 

I went out, only to see someone getting into the only cab.  I asked the driver to "come back" when she dropped the other client and the driver asked our destination.  I told her.  She wanted us to get in with the other customer and share the fare. 

I had a VERY bad feeling about it, so we said we would "wait".  The driver tried to get us again but we said no, and lookee there, there's a guy getting out of another cab.  I raced over there. 

I was pushing the wheelchair.  We had Ron's backpack on the back of the chair and he held my small bag across his lap.  The other guy was paying. 

When he left, we told the driver where we were going and he was very interested (as it turns out, it was a $40 trip).  I loaded the wheelchair and he loaded the bags.  It was a nice cab, basic, not too fancy, but clean and in good working order.  That's all I wanted. 

As we left downtown, I mentioned how I had talked to a cab driver who once drove around for half an hour, because his client wanted to find a hooker. 

"I can get you a prostitute in 5 minutes" he bragged, grinning.  I laughed, so did Ron, and we assured him we weren't looking. 

He had a hard time getting out of downtown due to the parade.  Downtown Dallas has some nice, big, buildings.  Dallas is a lot smaller than Houston but the buildings are about the same size. 

We got to the hotel about half an hour later.  We got all our crap, Ron paid, and we got a receipt.  We also got the driver's number so we could maybe take him on Sunday when we left. 

We checked into the hotel.  It was a very nice chain hotel.  It had lots of floofy pillows.  I liked that.  So many times, hotels are cheap with the pillows, only giving you 2 pillows for a king bed.  That just isn't going to cut it.  I use 2 pillows ideally every night, and at home, I use a total of 4. 

I was happy with the room.  The wallpaper and art were kind of lame but how much time would we be spending there, anyway?  We took a nap. 

Ron had me set the thermostat to warmer, so I did that.  The heater made strange noises as it cut off, though, and woke me up every time.  It sure makes me appreciate my heater. 

We got up and went looking for other blind vendors.  We found them at the bar.  There was supposed to be a prime rib dinner somewhere but I hadn't printed up the agenda.  I had no idea where to find it. 

Ron decided to drink at the bar.  I had diet coke with lemon wedges.  Ron had Jack Daniel's, straight.  He had a total of 4 drinks. 

After a while I saw a lot of the other vendors were ordering bar food, which apparently came from a kitchen on the lower level, and eating that.  So we weren't the only ones skipping "the dinner". 

We decided to eat at the bar.  I got a bacon cheeseburger and Ron got one with sausage and peppers on it.  We saw some friends and talked.  The director of the program came by, chatted with us, and toasted Ron.  We saw our direct boss and offered to buy him a drink but he never took us up on the offer. 

I drank about 4 diet cokes and after a while, we decided to go to our room.  We paid our tab (didn't want to charge it to the room), and went to bed. 

That was day 1. 

Road Trip

Coming back from Dallas.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Vessels

I had an old cup from Stripes, it was my constant companion.  It held a half gallon.  It was a good cup but getting pretty crusty, and impossible to clean.  Hey, I was depressed, I didn't care, I kept drinking out of it, until one night when I kicked it over and spilled half a gallon of diet raspberry lemonade all over the floor.  I had to frantically evacuate my Bibles and such, it was a big aggravation.  So I got rid of the cup and bought some more "vessels".  One of them was a half gallon container with an attached, snap-on lid.  I filled it with water and kept it by my bedside. 

I awoke this morning in a puddle of water, the container at my side, lying sideways in bed.  Apparently I got it for a drink and didn't put it back.  What a mess.  It did not, however, ruin the bed.  Everything dried, no staining. 

Then I got up and went to the bathroom.  I found a huge (at least 4 inches long), beautiful, blue dragonfly battering itself against my bathroom window.  I opened the window and let it out, I had to gently direct it towards the open part of the window.  But it got out, faltered a little, and flew off.  I assume one of the cats caught it and brought it in. 

I used to have a lot of dragonflies in my garden.  I grew everything organically (except for fire ant poison) and had a lot of beneficial bugs, lizards, snakes, etc.  It was all very holistic.  I enjoyed it. 

I don't have the energy for it now, though. 

I took my shower and did my God Time.  Then I took a nap.  Ron didn't want to go anywhere today so we didn't.  I slept as long as possible.  I'm not depressed when I sleep. 

I got up and took care of the cats, ate some shelf-stable food we bought for the conference.  It is OK but I have my doubts about my medication working with it.  We shall see. 

I talked to Ron about our plans for tomorrow and set all that up.  We have a deadline, if we don't make our trips by the deadline then we don't go anywhere. 

I took out the garbage, checked the mail, and ran the washer on the "clean" cycle.  Yes, it's late, I try to do it on the first, but I did it and it smells nice.  Now it is ready for more loads. 

I gave the cats a little extra food today as they seemed hungry.  I hate to see a rescue cat, hungry.  They will be eating out of "endless" foodbowls when we leave for a couple of days, anyway. 

At any rate that's it for tonight.  I hope you are having a better day. 

Monday, November 6, 2017

Loss of interest

Torbie has been sleeping with me, a lot, lately.  She can always tell when I'm hurting. 

This depression is odd: I don't have the "pain" so much, I can accomplish work and personal care, but I just have no desire to do anything else.  "Loss of interest".  At least I have Torbie. 

When my shoulder was bothering me some months ago, she slept next to my head every night, until I felt better.  She was very sweet.  Still is. 

I had a hard time sleeping last night, I overate at dinner and felt very bloated.  I understood how Ron must have felt after we went to the Indian restaurant last week.  I felt very restless, probably couldn't sleep because I had some Diet Coke with dinner.  And I was really thirsty, I kept getting up to drink, and urinate.  I'm amazed I got any sleep at all. 

I overslept this morning but had time for my shower.  We went to work.  I had to disable Snack 2 because it kept ripping people off.  I won't have that on my watch.  I would rather turn off the machine, empty it out, and wait for a "new" one, than leave it running and getting bad will from the customers.  I want people to walk away happy, this is very important to me. 

So I killed it - it had a power switch and I threw it.  I took the inventory (most of it) out today and put it in the other machines. 

I was also happy to see God helped me "fix" the soda fridge.  It is a commercial unit, stainless steel (one reason I would hate stainless in my home: I have dealt with it so much at work).  Anyway, the front of the unit was "sweating" condensation.  I was very worried about it. 

I finally figured out (I'm sure God put it in my head), the machine was flush against the wall, maybe if I pulled it out and gave the compressor some room to breathe, it would work better.  That did it, thank God. 

I helped Ron with his work, but he didn't have much, considering.  I did help him when I could. 

We had our review last week, it went well, and I asked for another snack machine (I knew #2 had some problems, but didn't know how bad), and the boss said he would look in the warehouse.  I don't need a new machine, just a good one.  I prefer older machines, actually.  My API is a really good one and I would fight if they tried to take it. 

We finished up and left.  I have been handing out the driver candy (candy + scripture booklet) to drivers and other passengers on the service.  They are pretty popular.  I believe I will continue to do it when my current stock runs out.  It isn't cheap, it takes forever to bag everything up, and I never know if anyone is even getting saved out of it, but I feel like God wants me to do it.  I think that's one reason He let "us" have such a bad Halloween, to force me to hand out the candy to drivers, etc.and see that it has some good results. 

We just need to keep the weather under 86 degrees so the chocolate doesn't melt.  That gets messy.  I have to do a whole 'nother batch of candy during the summer due to high temperatures. 

We have tomorrow off, but we're not doing much.  I plan to finish doing the laundry tonight so I can forget about it, and then go to bed early. 

Hopefully I can sleep late tomorrow and wake up without a headache.  I have been taking a lot of aspirin lately. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Update

 I'm here, I'm OK, just depressed and unmotivated. 

That was before the church shooting.  I believe "the dead" are in Heaven, I feel worst for the injured and bereaved.   Please pray for all of them. 

Tomorrow's an early day at work so that's it for now. 

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Friday

 I slept in today, until 8.  I got up, took my shower, did my God time.  Ron and I were going out. 

We were going to the store where I'd recruited the employee to help me letter my Free Bibles sign, in Spanish.  Imagine my surprise when I got there and he told me one of the employees had spotted me doing the handout, and he told her he had lettered the sign! 

I told him "we" gave away two and a half cases of Spanish Bibles and he was happy to hear it.  He rang us up, got our food, and Ron and I went to Starbucks. 

I don't think a Starbucks employee would ever help me letter a free Bibles sign.  I got Ron his coffee and we waited outside, because it was nice. 

I had a pretty nasty headache.  It hadn't helped that Ron had been verbally abusive to me, in front of witnesses, on the way over.  I always hate that.  When he is ugly I just ignore him. 

At any rate, I ate my food, drank my Diet Dr Pepper (I don't support Starbucks) and took my medication.  Then I was tired, with a headache. 

We talked a little.  Ron was in a better mood.  He talked about how he had called our handyman to come and make a scratching post for the cats.  That ought to be interesting.  I could always just buy one from Amazon but it might be more fun to make one. 

Our ride was late, some sort of drama.  I gave the driver some food, which he took, and a bag of candy.  We went to pick up someone from dialysis and then we went home.  Ron gave the driver a hard time because he didn't pull into the driveway, but I didn't care. 

We came in and I started a load of laundry, pretreating as needed.  Then I let it all sit for 15 minutes before I ran the load, so the pretreatment could work.  The clothes are in the dryer, now. 

It is pretty warm and humid today, I'm right on the edge of asking Ron to turn on the air conditioner.  But I'm running the dryer right now and they are on the same circuit, so I guess I'll wait until the dryer's done. 

We have to get up very early tomorrow for work.  Not only that we have a review tomorrow.  We should do fine but they are always tedious.  I don't like being reviewed, I guess. 

I always hated performance reviews when I worked for other people, even though I generally did very well at them. 

I think Ron has dinner planned, as well, for later.  I need to go through my bags and put together all the stuff for our trip out of town, I don't want to wait until the last minute. 

A story on that, when Ron worked in San Francisco, and we lived in CA, we used to fly out to Houston every year.  It was my favorite week of the year.  Ron always waited until the last minute to pack. 

However, he liked to eat at dive restaurants in San Francisco, really terrible, unhygienic, places that should have been condemned.  He ate at one, in particular, a lot.  They served teriyaki.  He loved the food but got sick a couple of times. 

And, sure enough, he ate there right before our big trip.  He got really sick.  I had to bring him some compazine, and our luggage, before he could even get on the plane.  One of his meddling coworkers called his HMO and tattled that I was "sharing medication".  When we got back, he read her the riot act. 

So I had to bring my whole prescription because there wasn't time to see a doctor.  He spent most of the vacation sick.  I had a pretty good time but he didn't. 

And because he hadn't packed his bag yet, I had to do it for him.  Apparently I didn't bring the sort of things he felt he needed, and he complained.  That's when I reminded him he was the one who always packed at the last minute. 

So, we pack early now.  You just never know what will happen. 

Headache

Ugh.  Hate them.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

All I feel is tired

Things have been pretty quiet.  Ron's glad he stopped drinking. 

I didn't tell him this, but he will always be an alcoholic.  He will just need to avoid it. 

Monday we went to work and stocked, then we went to the bank.   Ron paid me and made a deposit. 

We came home, I took a nap, and cleaned the house. 

Tuesday we went out to eat at an Indian food restaurant.  Ron was craving something different and they just opened a few months ago.  The food was very good, but Ron overate the daal (lentils) and got sick from all the fiber.  He laid around, moaning, for a while.  The pan bread was really good.  All in all, we had a good time. 

We came home and I took a short nap.  The sky looked pretty ominous but I hoped it wouldn't rain.  It did.  It rained during prime trick-or-treat time and I only had about 20 kids, as opposed to 115 several years ago. 

So, I have a huge bag of what I guess is now "Driver candy".  I got out of doing that a couple years ago, but it looks like I'm back in the game. 

I stayed "open" until about 10 PM, just in case, but no takers.  The kids I did see were cute, appreciative, and had lots of candy already.  Good.  I like to see happy kids with a lot of candy. 

Oh, yeah, and I "fixed" the doorbell.  I took the wire off the connector over a year ago, to keep #6's kids from ringing it nonstop, late at night, during their parties when they lost their balls.  Once the doorbell didn't work, it wasn't fun to come over and pester me. 

This was a problem for me because the oldest admitted they did not do this (come and pester the homeowner for their ball back, the minute they lost it, during parties) with any of the other neighbors.  But, last year I "lost" a couple of kids on Halloween when the doorbell "didn't work". 

So, this year, I got out the stepladder and my screwdriver, and fixed it.  The doorbell now rings.  If I need to, I can "break" it again. 

I went to bed, slept pretty well.  We got up and went to Walmart today.  I got travel toiletries because I will be going to a business conference with Ron, pretty soon.  I also got a travel bag in purple.  I also got some diet mountain dew, which they had in stock.  I like to have a bottle in the morning when I take my pills.  Now I'm pretty much set for the rest of the month. 

I got a few other things and a new hoodie.  Batteries for Ron, and some Tums for him. I believe stomach troubles led him to quit drinking.  He still wanted the Tums.  I tried to get the berry flavor, which is what I usually get, but they didn't have a bar code on the bottle and they couldn't ring them up.  I had to go back and get a "tropical" instead.  I hope Ron thinks they are OK. 

At any rate, we did our shopping.  Ron wanted to call a cab to go home so he did that.  It was a very nice older man with an unusual name.  We seem to get him a lot at Walmart. 

We got home and I put everything away, watched a little Supernatural, and took a nap.  I got up and put away Halloween, except for the candy. 

I have a pretty steady low level depression, I can still take a shower and do my God Time, but overall I just feel very drained.  Or maybe it's the medication, it's pretty potent stuff. 

At any rate all I feel is tired.