Showing posts from August, 2014

More about my cycle

You might want to skip this if you're a guy with lust issues (although I don't see HOW one could possibly...) or squeamish. 

I started my cycle when I was 13.  I had a little spotting one month, nothing for a few months, and then wham full blown cycles.  I literally started right around my 13th birthday. 

I'm sure hormones played a role in the depression that followed that winter, hanging on pretty relentlessly. 

I'd have racking cramps for a few days, cycle about 5 days.  Pretty average flow from what they told me in my health classes.  That's been standard for the last 27 years. 

Back in the late 90's, my cycle changed up a bit, lighter and brighter.  I asked my Nurse Practicioner (oh I wish I could have brought her to Texas), and she said things change every several years. 

I developed an ovarian cyst on my right ovary in 2000, which made my cycles hell.  The cyst would bleed into my abdominal cavity every cycle, causing excruciating pain.   I couldn…


I slept well, once I fell asleep. 

I wish I were that good, I could turn it over to God, leave it in His lap, and go to sleep quickly.  I'm not. 

I battled some anxiety, a lot of fear, and I guess what I'd call "forecasting" trying to figure out all the details of what we'd have to do, before we even hear anything.  Let me tell you, it's exhausting. 

That's why I'm supposed to leave it up to God.  That's why I'm doing my best to do just that. 

Sometimes, like now, it's pretty easy.  I look at probabilities and think "No, it's not going to happen." 

It may.  It may not.  Anxiety isn't going to help, though.

Not again!

It wasn't the best morning. 

I had a hard time getting up, I'd had an awful time falling asleep last night.  I finally decided God did not want 10% devotion and worship, He'd rather wait until after work.  I just took my shower, threw my clothes on, and left. 

We went to the warehouse.  I got some candy (almost out of Snickers, eep!), etc.  We went to work. 

I saw the other vendor.  He asked me to get him a cup of coffee (I did) and told me, "Oh, the boss is here meeting with the plant manager about opening a snack bar." 

[sigh]  Here we go again.  Everyone wants a snack bar. 

I've talked about the deli period of our lives, how it was without a doubt the worst period of our lives, worse than cheating, verbal abuse, blackouts, the accident even... here's a link:

Short version: people really like the idea of a deli.  They like the idea of hot food made to order and a smilin…

Get in line

1.  I told Ron I was already depressed today.  I don't know if he doesn't receive it or he disregards it.  If I were to call him on it, he'd probably get very offended and say I never told him.  Note that in the context of what follows. 

2.  I mentioned how all my friends and the paratransit service were very supportive of me, dealing with the verbally abusive driver (more in post below). 

3.  Ron's response to said verbal abuse: It's your fault for being fat.  Lose weight.  You could be thin if you wanted to, but you want to punish me so you stay fat.  He believes it is "shameful" to be married to a larger woman.  I did not make any comments about his problems, but I thought about it.  If I were like him I'm sure he'd ditch me.  He really thinks verbal abuse is OK, if "there's enough provocation".  My existence at a size 22W apparently qualifies.   He harangued me for a good 15 minutes every time I brought it up.  Sometimes, not o…

Not necessary

I really WANT a boring life.

Yesterday morning we got on the paratransit vehicle. The driver took one look at me, gaped, and began interrogating me about my "weight gain". For the record, I am DOWN a clothing size from last year, although my scale weight is the same. You can see my pictures. I have been "about" this for a couple years now.

Anyway, she carried on like I had gained 100 pounds in a week, DEMANDING I tell her "how I gained the weight". Very insistent on that. "You were so skinny" she told me - yeah, maybe 20 years ago!

Anyway, I kept asking her to stop. She kept rudely demanding to know "how I had gained the weight". I finally told her "I take medication for severe mental illness" - next time I would tell her "That's not your business and if you don't stop I'm going to make a video for management"
I also added I had to take 4 very toxic prescriptions that cause weight gain, n…

That wouldn't work

Manic today.  I always seem to be manic when I see Doc [scratching head]. 

Ron kept checking on our ride, because, unlike work, we actually had an appointment.  Sure enough, there were problems, but they fixed it. 

We got one of our favorite drivers.  Even better, she stopped at a gas station.  I bolted and bought some snack foods while the driver pumped gas. 

I was a little worried about putting Ron in the back, because the backseat driver's side passenger was an autistic guy in a helmet.  I have seen autistic clients beat up the vehicle, grab the steering wheel while in transit, and hit the drivers, so I'm wary. 

I really did not want Ron in the back. 

Yes, I know most autistic souls are lovely people.  Two of my favorite relatives are high-functioning autistic.  Let's just say, the ones I've met on paratransit can run the gamut of behavior. 

Ron decided to play some music on his talking book machine, which made him the immediate star of the show.  The other cl…

Some help

Ron usually takes an afternoon nap and gets up in the early evening. 

When he did, he told me, "Oh, I decided your life is so much better with me."  He then proceeded to remind me of all the indignities I suffered growing up and "remind" me that he didn't do that. 

I had some very bitter thoughts.  One, thanks for reminding me of all I've endured.  You just made me more depressed. 

Two, you're no treat yourself.  The all night verbal abuse and blackouts come to mind.  Caregiver burnout.  Old things I won't repeat because, like I said, it'll just worsen my depression. 

"I wish you'd stayed asleep" I thought then and at various moments throughout the evening. 

After that, he did his existential stuff for a while, which I always find completely depressing.  The sad thing, I think he really believed he was helping me out. 

I told him I found it very depressing so he wanted to talk about depression.  I told him: you wonder how &qu…

Make it better

Sorry I haven't posted lately. 

Rapid cycling.  Short "def" - bouncing up and down like a friggin' bungee jumper. 

I am happy I'm not "mixed" - that's up and down at the same time, and like I told Ron "That's where everyone suicides".  Well worth the $8 a month for the Depakote to keep that away.  Worth the weight gain.  And the brain fog...

Anyway.  Torbie cat has been an awesome, sweet, girl, sleeping with me every night, and even during some naps. 

Ron's been alternating between supportive-ish and verbally abusive.  He went off on me for 5 minutes today, in front of customers, because I asked him to bend his knees as I cut around a sharp corner.  I couldn't make the turn with him sticking his legs straight out.  He kept accusing me of "attacking him" and trying to get me... I don't know what the hell he wanted. 

Anyway, he wound down, I avoided him, except for the usual bellowing for me now and then.  Exha…

Are you going to see a doctor?

I own a couple pair of shoes. 

I have my standard leather-upper steel toed loafers, ($20).  I wear them to work and on the occasional Bible Handout.  They also work for church. 

Second most popular, my $3 fake crocs.  I got them at the dollar store.  I wore those yesterday.  I also wear them to church.

I also own a very battered pair of sneakers ($12).  I wear them on Bible Handouts.

Lastly, the sandals, a comfortable slip on.  Most expensive at $24.  I bought them for a wedding but they work well for church in mild weather. 

Yesterday, I wore the "crocs".  They worked OK with my battered foot.  I took my foot out and displayed it to a few people who wanted to know why I was limping.  They all gasped and asked me the same question "When are you going to see a doctor?" 

I'm not, I replied.  They can't do anything for a broken toe.  [Not a greenstick (incomplete) fracture of the pinky toe.]

Not only that, sick people go to the doctor.  I don't want …

God IS watching

I had a migraine, Wednesday.  I worked anyway.  Over the course of the day, at appropriate 4-to-6 hour intervals, I took a couple doses of over the counter headache meds, which are known to raise lithium levels. 

Later that night, I ran into and fell over the couch, breaking my left pinky toe and bruising up my left forearm. 

I had Thursday off, we just went to Walmart and home.  I started getting a little manic.  Thank you JESUS! 

I had to work today.  I had to work today, early.  As in, get up at 2 AM.  We went in and paid a $5 refund because the bill changer went down.  She worked the night shift and the other vendor's wife witnessed the transaction.  The other vendor's wife told me "Oh, there she is."   Note that.

We saw the Big Boss today because the other vendor's moving into their new breakroom up front, near us.  I did what I could to be helpful and bless them because, after all, God IS watching. 

We had truck day - we went to the warehouse and I got …

Sick enough not to write my usual book

I slept badly last night; woke up with a horrible headache.  Copied from my Facebook: 

This morning at 3:45 AM found me wranging a wild grasshopper on the transit van. Attracted by the lights, it flew aboard, causing the driver to flee the driving area and have hysterics. A chase ensued - me vs. grasshopper as the driver shrieked "Get it! Get it!" I caught it in my hand (I've had practice thanks to Baby Girl) and disembarked. I made sure the driver shut the door before I threw ...the bug into the air. Then I knocked on the door, showing my empty hands, and got back aboard.

Can you imagine if that had flown into her face as she went down the Beltway?

We went to work - I washed my hands very well, and worked. We have been there for all three shifts this week - very proud of that.

Oh, and I had a horrible headache. Since I could work and put up my soda I won't call it a migraine but it has been nasty.

Another Tidwell Handout

I was so eaten by depresison I couldn't even do my God Time. Showering was a massive undertaking but I can't scare the recipients!  
I knew depression would eat me alive if I stayed home.  It did every other time I did that, lately. 

We went to W. Tidwell @ Antoine. It was a good spot last time. I hoped to hand out 50 Bibles in an hour. I had mostly whole Bibles, the last of what I got with my "fun money" from Ron. They're a nice whole Bible with evangelism section, $1.40 each in a case. ...I got them from Lifeway.

However, as before, I handed them all out in half an hour. An African immigrant in a cab wanted 2. The cab driver leaned back away from the Bibles as I handed them in the window.

Everyone at the bus stop came over to get a Bible, except one lady. I went to her. New bus stop passengers kept running over as I faced them with the sign. This happened last time as well.

I had a couple people stop going the wrong way to get Bibles, including…

I wanna get better!

Hideous depression.

I recently found a song that completely describes my thoughts on the matter: 

I wanna get better. 

[big sigh]  Failing that, I tossed and turned all night.  Woke up at 2 AM for a delivery that never came.  Did what I could of my God Time (got the rest before I got online).  Torbie slept with me and woke me up a couple times snoring. 

Man, that cat can snore! 

I went to work totally depleted and worried about half a dozen things I couldn't fix.  We saw the other vendor, he's been amicable.  I told him I'm looking forward to his new breakroom to take some of the load off, and I meant it.  He laughed. 

We worked 13 hours today. 

Highlight of the day: pouring the French Vanilla powder into the wrong canister on the coffee vending machine.  Ugh.  Once it's in you can't get it out. Very frustrating. 

I did get plenty of whole beans (everyone likes our whole bean coffee), and added some grounds to the hopper. 

As I was stocking in the later aft…

If I'd known my day I might have stayed home!

I didn't sleep very well, but I still got up in time to do my God Time, and shower. 

We got ready for church.  Our ride, however, was nearly an hour late. 

I noticed something important as I climbed aboard: the radio was on the "Protection" channel.  Remember the song about the "cleanup woman"?  That's Protection.  They clean up trips that other drivers couldn't handle. 

She wasn't our original driver.  She did nothing "wrong". 

I noticed a very sour-faced woman sitting in a wheelchair.  I greeted her politely and sat in my seat.  I laughed with the driver about the lack of a seatbelt extender and grinned as she used a "red belt" to secure me instead. 

The other client was having a tantrum, wanting to go to her church.  A little geography. 

If Houston is a clock, Ron and I live at about 11:30.  Our church is located at about 8.  The other client was going to "6", and insistent, as she talked to dispatch, that she …

Neon green and black

Ugh.  Horribly depressed. 

It's not work, even though I worked long shifts (11-13 hours) with a lot of heavy manual labor.  My only issue with work is finding a decent snack. 

I sell 4 different protein bars (off the top of my head), but they all have chocolate or nuts, both migraine triggers.  I am 90% certain I have a pretty nasty almond allergy. I had severe throat tightening the last 2 times I ate them.  Scared me pretty bad. 

Most granola bars have some kind of almond.  Now, I have to do a shout out to the allergy people, just like Ron lauds "wheelchair people".  Ron used to think the "wheelchair people" were real pains in the butt, demanding access.  He thanks God for them now as he rolls around in his wheelchair. 

I never had anything mean to think about the allergy people, just that those with peanut allergies had better stay far from the vending machines.  Anyway, the allergy advocates ensured all food is properly labeled.  "CONTAINS ALMONDS&q…

A lot about nudity

Hideous depression today.  I didn't even brush my hair but I did get my God Time. 

I also got a decent night's sleep and a small nap. 

I feel so o-pressed.  Like a giant weight is squashing me and I'm holding it up. 

No, I'm not in danger. 

Yes, I always seek help.  I even have the crisis # for the mental health center in my cell phone.  Not there though. 

Instead, I try to find fun things to do.  Not always easy. 

Have you ever thought how many weekday TV shows are either staged "gossip talk shows" (I'd gouge my face off before choosing to watch one), "fix my problem" talk shows (same applies),  soap operas (NEVER), or grisly and depressing crime dramas? 

I usually opt for the latter but not even that today. 

Like I said, I at least did my God Time. 

If I were manic I might have spent some time copying Bible verses or something. 

I haven't seen a mania in a while.  I can't really say that I miss them but I miss all the things …

The worst thing in my life

Yesterday's comment, combined with reading my old diary, made me realize I need to clarify something: my birthmother was not the worst thing in my life. 

My entire family life has been sick, abusive, and downright ugly. 

In my life, at least it wasn't just "Oh, that one person really made things hard".  I feel as if no person has my back.  No one. 

I know God does. 

My aunt and uncle do more than anyone.  But when I asked them to appear on "Intervention" and talk about Ron's drinking, they refused.  They didn't want to talk about it on TV. 

My Dad loves me, would absolutely take a bullet for me.  But he left me at the hands of some dark and twisted head games.  When confronted with the truth, he denied it and said he'd cut me out of his life before he'd believe they hurt me.  His reality is more important. 

My "blood" sister tried to do her best to split me from Ron, so I could move in and be her caregiver.  When I cut off co…

It's going to get better

Suicide.  Everyone's talking about suicide today. 

I've been there many times.  I actually witnessed at least one suicide attempt - my birthmother. 

When they found my poor birthmother dead, everyone was shocked her cause of death was a heart attack.  It was so bad my sister literally carried around the autopsy report to "prove" she didn't kill herself. 

I would have understood if she had.  She had a lot of pain in her life and only came to know Jesus a few weeks before she died.  She drank.  She had bipolar demons. 

It's hard to explain, but I told Ron: "It wouldn't matter if you brought me 2 dozen roses and lay them at my feet, along with the Hope Diamond.  It wouldn't matter if you brought me a litter of kittens, or a winning Lotto ticket.  I'd still want to die." 

The pain is just that bad.  We're not thinking about you, we just want to end the pain. 

I have seen a lot of harsh judgements today, sadly, from avowed Christians…

Big Girl

I had bermuda shorts for work.  I bought them early this summer.  Size 24. 

They have been falling off for a while.  I couldn't find the good bermuda shorts, just a pair of regular shorts, in 22.  They fit OK but they're a little shorter than I'd like (maybe a 4 inch inseam).  The waistband binds a little, too, even though the hips and thighs fit fine. 

That's all they had in the "Big Girl" department. 

Today, exasperated at pulling my pants up yet again, I went over to the Big Girl department.   I found "the" bermuda shorts, size 22, on the clearance rack.  I also found some khakis. 

What the heck, I thought.  Let's give it a try.  I headed off to the fitting room with 2 pair khakis and the bermudas.  The bermudas fit perfectly.  I can hardly wait to wear them tomorrow.  The black khakis (blakhis?), were too tight.  Nope.  But the tan worked fine. 

I threw them in the cart and got some underwear too. 

Ron had an interesting reaction.  Mad…


It was a long day. 

Got up.  Didn't do my God Time (then).  Took my shower, pills, went to work. 

Some customer complaints:
More pastry
Large bag regular cheetos
More gum varieties (he was management)
Jalapeno Kettle chips

Glad we'd already made a trip to the warehouse.  I got all of the above, plus chocolate.  Went back to work and stocked. 

The machines are stuffed and looking very good.  Three gum varieties for management. 

About that time a manager came up and said "You really have an amazing selection, I've seen a lot of improvement."  I thanked him. 

About that time a chronically dissatisfied customer jumped in complaining because we had a couple empty slots on the hot pickle row. 

I knew she was just "fussing".  It was still trying.  Some people just like to make drama. 

I continued to stock.  We got it all done. 

Yay.  Time to go home. 


Woke up, God Time, ate, pills.  Blog, internet, bed.


Pretty depressed Saturday, but I got in my shower and my God Time. 

I suggested Ron move his vodka, because it just seemed a little too accessible in the wheelchair.  He used to "walk" up to the front of the house, take a nip, and go back to bed.  Now he can just roll up there and sit in the chair. 

He didn't listen.  He fell asleep in his wheelchair, in the kitchen.  I put a pillow under his head and went to bed. 

A horrific blackout ensued. 

He thought he had fallen in a hole.  I just heard incoherent screaming and ravings.  I made a video (which Ron called "life changing" but we'll see). 

He kept raving.  Finally he went to begging me to "get him out of this hole".  God would want me to help.  He was bent over in the wheelchair with his head stuck in a cabinet.  I got his head out and took the brake off his chair before he started getting ugly, trying to hit me.  I got out of there. 

More raving and personal abuse for about an hour and a …

It stands

Today, as Ron and I rode the bus down Antoine, another wheelchair passenger got on.  She was accompanied by a guy with clear Fetal Alcohol Syndrome features.  He had the social issues, too.  He kept starting rudely and getting into people's personal space (even off the bus).  He had limited awareness of social rules, leaving his companion's wheelchair completely blocking the sidewalk in two directions as he gaped at something.  He hung like a monkey from the grab bars on the bus, lifting his feet up and swinging, his shirt pulled up to expose a disgusting hairy belly.  He kept flirting with me even when I flashed my wedding ring and made a point of addressing Ron as "my husband".  He wasn't teasing, either.   

I have a hard time with people who have cognitive/developmental issues.  I am embarrassed and ashamed to be lumped in with them. 

I have issues with people who are mentally ill and unmedicated, for whatever reason.  Most aggravating to me are the homeless…

Tidwell Handout

It was a good handout with a wierd aftermath. 

I woke up at 6.  Ron said he didn't want to go on the planned handout, he cancelled the rides.  I decided that was fine for him, but I was still doing a Handout. 

I decided to pray, sleep, and think on it and went back to sleep.  I woke up around 9 with my destination clearly in mind.  Tidwell @ Antoine. 

I've never done a handout over there, but it has a convergence of different neighborhoods.  A nicer senior area.  Garden Oaks, a plusher "white" upper middle class area with $300K homes.  Raw areas of Acres Homes, with $300 a month apartments. It's a huge catchall. 

It also has an EXCELLENT median and a gas station where I can use the bathroom (with purchase).  I hated that about DeSoto.  I understand, but I hated it. 

We took the bus.  Ron took forever getting ready and I reminded myself God would bring the recipients.  I couldn't be "late" because He had it all.  I just had to show up with the s…

Bad Energy

God has given me many awesome things. 

Today, for instance.  I'm stocking our vending machines in our lovely cafeteria.  I see management walking through with the union representatives.  Everyone's smiling and nodding in approval. 


Our boss came by - one of them.  She rated us 100% on our review.  She loves what we're doing.  She is definitely behind us on two issues that need addressing with the other vendor. 

I made sure to emphasize I don't want her to make any waves right now, at least not on my behalf, because "They're under a lot of stress right now losing a lot of their business". 

Another thing - God chose to give us a lot of the business lost by the other vendor.  [shrug]  That's God.  We certainly didn't go after it, the business came to us.  I just ask God to be a good steward of whatever He gives us. 

Ron doesn't see things that way.  He was very bitter, belligerent, and angry for most of the day.  I understand he has p…