Showing posts from September, 2016


I am worried I will burn myself out before Ron's surgery, rushing around, trying to prepare for everything. 

I did do some work today (after sleeping in until 8 AM).  I did two loads of laundry, cleaned the washer (still getting used to these "new" HE gadgets), swept the floor, debated mopping the floor, didn't, made the bed, washed the sheets (one of my loads), and watched a little TV. 

Of course, first of all I did my God Time and shower.  I didn't need to shave my legs. 

I watched some Supernatural.  TNT is running the first season.  It is interesting to note the differences in the shooting style from the Season 10.  Season 10 has more lavish sets, they don't try to hide the height difference between Sam and Dean, and the colors are brighter.  That may be putting it in HD, I don't know. 

Yesterday, I bought a generic assorted variety pack of one-ounce chips at the store.  I had a bag of the Ranch.  It was pretty good, but I shouldn't have drunk…

"It's not like we're going to sleep anyway"

Ron's having his operation at 7 AM Wednesday, October 5.  We have to be at the hospital by 5:30.  Ron complained about it. 

"It's not like we're going to sleep anyway" I told him.  He agreed.  If we have a hard time falling asleep for a soda delivery at 5 AM, we will most certainly have trouble falling asleep, not to mention the nerves. 

Ron, at least, will get a nice propofol nap during his operation, but I will be strung out and vibrating, sneaking Bibles and Bible Promise books onto end tables wherever I can in the waiting room and trying to remember God Is In Control. 

I woke up exhausted today, and barely made it out the door in time.  We went to Walmart.  I wanted to do my shopping today. 

I had a list of things, button down shirt for Ron, underwear for Ron (he wants new underwear for the hospital).  He teased me about buying ladies' underwear for him.   He told me not to worry about the shirt. 

I got my shopping done, I got 3 six-packs of diet Mou…


Today we went to the hospital. 

My aunt picked us up, I stuffed the wheelchair in the trunk, and off we went.  She had some trouble parking but managed to find a spot. 

In the meantime, Ron and I "went to the bathroom".  It was pretty much a single stall + urinal so I went in with Ron, got him in the stall, and left.  I stood outside the door. 

I found my aunt and we checked in and began waiting.  They gave us a restaurant-style pager, the kind with the lights, that vibrates.  Pretty soon it went off. 

Then we checked in, proved who we were, and signed some forms.  We waited some more. 

Then it was off to the blood draw.  That's all they did, drew some blood to match in case he has a complication.  They gave him his wristband (he needs it for the cross match if he requires blood); he can't take it off until after the surgery. 

Then we waited some more.  Ron was getting impatient but knows he needs the surgery.  I think both of us were recalling his misery on Fr…

"If he lets you do it"

This morning I woke up later, a little bit of a headache, took some aspirin half asleep and went back to bed at 6 AM, kind of day.  I woke up a couple hours later with a residual headache and less tired than usual. 

I am always tired, it's just a matter of degree.  Fatigue, I'm sure, is one of the big reasons people don't like to take lithium.  Or whatever drug is causing the fatigue, I suspect all of them.  I try to ration my energy for whatever is important, and that changes. 

So I got up and took my shower, and started on my God Time.  As you know, last night Ron refused to take a bath prior to going to the hospital today.  They will be doing blood work and such. 

I asked Ron if he would like to take a bath.  Instead of telling him "You need to take a bath".  He said OK.  I was shocked, but hid it. 

I helped him get that done.  However, he balked at washing his hair.  It is greasy.  It looks terrible. 

I was feeling like a terrible caregiver and very frus…

"Good thoughts and wishes"

Well, at least work went well. 

I woke up utterly exhausted.  I was so tired I did my God Time later and stayed in bed as long as I possibly could. 

I got dressed and we went to work. 

I didn't have a lot to do for snacks, so I helped Ron as much as possible.  He wanted to load the new soda machine and did some shuffling of drinks from one machine to another.  I helped him with that, he was very appreciative. 

He is generally very appreciative of things I do at work.  At least these days. 

I had to remind him a few times, he would have a hard time finding someone to replace me.  The other vendor is having a hard time replacing one of their "quit" employees, and they've had months to search.  If you can find someone willing to do the physical labor, are they technically inclined?  Are they honest?  Hard to find. 

Anyway, he was OK at work.  We do have a problem with Soda #2, it's not taking coins.  We will have to have the repairman out again (we just had hi…

Ah, Monday

"This is why" Ron told me bitterly "You're so fat.  Do you ever stop eating?" 

I was shocked.  I had simply given him my half-eaten protein breakfast bar, to hold, while I pushed his wheelchair out of the house.  I reminded him that I have to take my medication with food, but he made a disparaging comment. 

It was pretty representative of the last couple days.  You may have wondered why I didn't post yesterday.  1.  I had to work.  2.  I had a migraine. 

Ever had to unload a truck load of 50 cases of merchandise, in the bright sun, heat, and humidity, with a migraine?  It's hell. 

I did it because it had to be done.  I went to the warehouse, loaded everything onto the cart (not fun), I had help loading the truck (praise God), had to unload the truck pretty much on my own, and get everything into the building on my own.  Then I had to stock.  Hundreds of candy bars.  Help Ron with lifting and moving things. 

All.  With.  A.  Migraine. 

Most medicat…

"Give the man a beer!"

Ron used up a lot of his sympathy tonight at dinner. 

He finally woke up around noon, felt pretty good, kept saying how sad it was that he felt so good, to be normal.   I said, I get it.  I get migraines.  I understand.  He disregarded what I said. 

We arranged to take a cab to Walmart to turn in his prescriptions and pick them up.  I had him in the wheelchair.  I put the wheelchair away and took it out. 

We tend to acquire older drivers with back issues. 

We went into the very busy store.  They will not be closing it any time soon. 

We went to the pharmacy and turned in the prescription.  They said it would be half an hour.  Not bad for a Saturday afternoon. 

Even better when it only cost $32 for everything.  We called our driver and got ready to leave. 

We talked some about the blackouts he had while taking Neurotin, several years ago.  I basically showed him my scars.  He was really shocked the memories were so vivid.  He assured me he would be very careful with his drinking…

An Anniversary to remember

I should probably make another drink before I type all this out. 

I spent our anniversary at work, and then the ER, with Ron. 

Ron had been kept up all night by foot pain (radiating from his back) all Thursday night.  Friday morning we went into work very early to get our Dr Pepper delivery, stock, inventory, etc.  We did all that but Ron was still in extreme pain. 

He was "barking" in pain.  It wasn't really a yelp or a yell, more of a bark.  He would shout in pain and his face was contorted in pain.  All radiating from his back. 

I didn't say anything, but he said he wished he had done the surgery on the 14th.  [I did make myself a drink - sugarfree raspberry lemonade]

First, though, he was concerned about recovery time.  We have a mandatory vendor conference in a couple of weeks.  What if he couldn't attend?  Our boss had a similar surgery to Ron and was out of work for months. 

I tried to tell Ron he just has to sit at the conference, he doesn't have…

I try to keep y'all happy

I wanted to go out to breakfast this morning, which meant getting up at 5:30.  On my birthday, but we were supposed to have a lot of rain today. 

Supposed to. 

Instead, I forgot to set the alarm and woke up around 6:30.  I got up and took my shower, I didn't have time for my God Time, which I did later. 

First, we went out to breakfast.  I had pancakes, Ron had an egg sandwich.  He ate about half of it and ate the rest at home. 

I ate most of my pancakes.  Since, I figured, this would be my Big Meal, I took all my medication in the morning (this is Ok for me to do). 

We had an interesting ride home, we picked up a woman with Down's syndrome.  She was very belligerent, kept calling Ron "Cowboy" in a derisive way, and cursed.  After she got out Ron wondered who's behavior she was modeling. 

We got home and I took a good long nap.  I had a nightmare that Ron had a blackout.  Between that and the headache, I was awake!  I took some aspirin, which worked, and tr…

"I'm voting for Biscuit"

My Day started at 4 and didn't wrap up until after 2. 

I got up, took my shower, etc.  I got Ron ready to go to: Walmart.  I wanted to buy some jeans today.  The ones I have are uncomfortably tight and I wanted something I could squat, bend over, or breathe while wearing. 

We got there and I left Ron at the door.  Our driver told us the store had called the transit company and demanded people be loaded only at one door, and in front of the door at that.  Oh-kay.  It's the only store making these demands but it does get a lot of paratransit traffic. 

The store is near a couple of senior-living apartment complexes.  It is not uncommon to see a senior on one of those little motorized scooters trying to cross the very busy street near the store. 

I went to the jewelry department.  It was closed but I wanted to see if they still had titanium rings.  They do not.  Well, that answered one question. 

Next stop, jeans.  I will be sitting in an air conditioned room for days on end,…

What will I do?

What if Ron breaks his neck one night during one of his blackouts? 

What will I do? 

Well, I've given it some thought. 

I have a pretty broad spectrum of job skills, and I can live cheaper than you because I take the bus instead of driving. 

I have worked in food service, retail, home health care, vending, accounting, general office work, etc.  I am certain God would lead me to the right job.  Worst case I would hook up with a home health agency or a temp agency. 

It would be nice to help a nice older lady with a couple of cats, or an older man with a small, friendly, dog.  Something like that. 

Or help run a restaurant, God knows it is very hard to find efficient and dependable help. 

You get the idea.  The other vendor is short an employee, he might very well take me. 

Don't worry about employment for me.  I'll be OK. 

We have insurance that will supposedly pay off the house if Ron dies, so there's that.  He doesn't have any other insurance.

Now, if I d…

The spanking end of things

I met the cutest, sweetest, little calico kitten today.  More later. 

Yesterday, without asking me, Ron made a trip to go out for breakfast this morning.  I was pretty annoyed when I saw that. 

I didn't say anything because I had mentioned, days ago, I would like to go out for breakfast.  I just didn't expect him to make the trip without asking. 

Considering everything, I didn't want to have yet another "discussion".  I figured, in the Great Scheme Of Things, it wouldn't matter in a day or even a year, so better to let it drop. 

However, it did mean I had to set my alarm for early. 

I slept OK but I woke up with a headache.  I took some aspirin and drank a Diet Mountain Dew.  I took a shower, washing my hair twice.  It was a greasy, tangled, nest.  Yuck. 

I got ready to go and we left.  We went to Carl's Junior.  We basically had to go because Ron woke up late. 

Paratransit had a lot of trouble with no-shows and late cancellations, so if you do eit…

"He couldn't work today"

I spent most of last night with a horrible migraine.  It persisted into today.

I also got to hear Ron having a blackout last night.  He basically got into my stuff and threw it around, tried to put my reusable shopping bags in the litter box, put a bag of trash in the toilet, etc. 

When it came time for work, it was apparent he would not be able to go.  I called our driver to give me a ride (I cannot ride paratransit by myself).  In the meantime, I tried to get Ron ready, to no avail. 

At one point he was screaming at me to take the brakes off, as he sat on the toilet.  He was trying to ride the toilet all over the house, thinking it was his wheelchair.  I put his hand on the wheelchair and told him "This is your wheelchair" and he shouted at me. 

At least, I say, he didn't think the wheelchair was a toilet. 

His alarm went off.  I thought that might wake him up.  No, it didn't.  He kept yelling "Fomo minush" I finally figured out he was saying "F…

Sorry for the short post

Nasty headache today.  I'll try to write a little, though. 

It is telling I have no appetite, that's a bad headache. 

Can you imagine?

I had to get up at 4 AM today. 

It was a long day.  I used my new shampoo, the one that promised soft and lustrous hair.  I never got a chance to see how it worked. 

I don't dry my hair, I've always let it air dry.  I know some consider it "inappropriate" for a woman to walk around with wet hair, but I don't. 

We went to the warehouse, I got 30 cases of drinks and snack items.  Ron was impressed I managed to fit so many snacks in with his merchandise. 

I had help loading the truck, but I had to unload it basically by myself (Ron climbs in the truck bed and shoves items in my direction).  It was hot, miserably humid, and sunny, with a relative temperature of 100 degrees (F).  I was sweating profusely. 

My hair had almost dried, but became soaked with sweat as I worked.  See why I don't worry too much? 

So, I don't know how the shampoo worked.  I will have to wait for tomorrow. 

I got everything in the building (almost as much work as unloading, let …

$138. Or $139

Well, our driver was late, our pickup early, and we had a long line at the pharmacy.  I'm lucky I had time to get my pills. 

For whatever reason, they called the pharmacist to consult with my medication.  I don't know why.  She was still laughing at my "Mood stabilizers, the secret of my happy marriage" comment. 

I did get some shampoo, cat food, and a six pack of Mountain Dew.  Chips (or "crisps"), stuff like that.  Not much, really. 

I had already spent $138 on medication, and that's minus the Depakote.  $139 if you count the anti-gas medication. 

I meant to get some Halloween candy, and try on some rings (cheap ones, just to get an idea of my size, maybe buy one of the $20 titanium rings), but I didn't have time. 

Our ride was early, but a driver I like.  I tease her about Biscuit being her boyfriend because she likes him. 

We got home, I put away my soy milk, and laid down in bed while Ron chatted on the phone.  I let him go about 15 minut…

The Death Chapter

Ron has a couple complaints about me. 

I would be a liar and the world's biggest phony if I didn't tell you that. 

I'm going to share the "valid" ones. 

First, housekeeping.  Yes, I am very messy, but I have worked to make the house a safe place for us and the cats.  I'm working on that. 

Second, I'm fat.  I could stand to lose a good (reasonably) 50 pounds.  I would still be "thick" but healthier.  I'll get to that when I can.  I am seriously considering buying a treadmill for that. 

Third, I'm bossy, he says.  I am always making suggestions.  He finds it very aggravating at times. 

At the beginning of the whole back-surgery journey, Ron made it pretty clear to me it had to be his decision.  If I talked him into doing something he didn't want, and it didn't work out, he would blame me forever.  Good point. 

So I have quelled my natural desire to prod him into surgery and have tried not to share my opinions unless asked.  …

"I'm fighting every day"

Best part of the day, sleeping with Torbie, all night and during my nap. 

I don't care if you let me pick you up.  I don't care if you get in my lap, or even if you meow at me.  Do you sleep with me?  That's what I want. 

I always sleep better with a cat in the bed.  Interestingly enough, when my cats have gotten to about 8 years old, they start sleeping by my head.  Maybe because I roll over on them, maybe because there's more room, or maybe because they like the way my head smells.  I just know that Torbie is the third senior cat to start sleeping by my head, and I love it. 

Sadly, it also means I probably don't have a lot of time left with her, but I will enjoy her as long as I can.  She is almost 9, but obese, so we're not sure how long we'll have with her. 

So, I got up.  I am having my period and I was a little cranky with Ron this morning.  I also cried and cried over an Amazon commercial (the one with the dog and the baby). 

We went to work.  T…

"This is on my plate"

Well, I told Doc about the blackouts.  Doc asked me if there was "anything else" and I said "He is scaring me with the amount of blackouts he is having".  Ron laughed.  I didn't. 

Doc talked a little about drinking in general terms and asked me if I was "OK".  Yes, I told him, I just wanted him to know, I had a lot going between the (additional) caregiving and the blackouts.  Doc asked if I wanted anything tuned up and I said no, because I don't think it's going to solve the root problem of Ron = drinking.  I didn't say the last. 

So, at least I am on the record. 

Ron had a blackout last night.  I caught him with a pair of scissors in his hand, trying to pry up the edge of the sink.  When I asked him what he was trying to do he scoffed at me and mumbled.  He cut his hand on the scissors, which were covered in blood. 

What is it with Ron bleeding all the time lately? 

I told him I was going to bed and asked if he could "finish&quo…

Painkillers and cat food

Ron's drunk again and bothering me, so if I sound a little distracted that's why. 

I woke up at 7.  I had set my alarm for 6.  I got up and took my shower, went to Walmart with Ron. 

Ron complained because one of the cart-pushers is broken and makes loud beeping noises.  He didn't want to ride in the kiddie cart, but he didn't want to stay where he was.  He had brought his walker so I couldn't move him easily. 

He is still having a hard time admitting he is a "wheelchair" and believes, falsely, he gets "worse" trips if he is in a wheelchair.  They can't contract a private yellow cab to give him a ride, that's all, but the trips are honestly about the same. 

I had to push the cart and drag him from one door to the other, so he could have his "peace".  I bought my stuff, mainly some painkillers and cat food.   For once, I did not have a headache today. 

I finished up and left.  Ron kept telling me to make a deposit at my ban…

My burden

Kind of pissed. 

I woke up with a migraine for the third day in a row.  I had to drink a Diet Mountain Dew and take aspirin to try to beat it back.  Of course the caffeine, while helping, woke me up.  Nothing like lying in bed at 1:30 AM trying to sleep. 

I had visions of "migraine art" I could do.  The beauty supply store used to sell foam heads for women to store wigs.  I could buy some foam heads and do various interpretations.  An axe in the head.  Arrows in the head.  Razor blades all around the eye socket.  Etc. 

I finally gave up and got up for a while, got on the computer for a while, whined a little on Facebook (but everyone was asleep). 

I looked at protein powders for a while.  I am trying to get Ron to consume extra protein because he will need surgery and he is an alcoholic (but I don't tell him the last, God will have to do that).  Anyway, he can't have whey.  It has horrible digestive effects for him. 

I tried soy a while back and it works, if I p…