Sunday, August 29, 2010

Good comments

I loved the comments - I'm pretty exhausted right now but I wanted to say that.

I slept OK but today is just a major fatigue day. I put my head in Ron's lap and slept on the way home. Still tired enough that I plan to go to bed in about an hour.

I have a 2 AM wakeup. Even at it's worst, the side effects are so much better than being mentally ill. UGH.

Exhausted, I can live with that. Ron was thrilled I literally leaned on him, and gently patted my back as I dropped off. Happily, I didn't snore or drool. [grin]

Oh, and I handed out tons of stuff today. I bought more of the ever-popular Now & Later mini bars (they get 6 individually wrapped pieces, wrapped in plastic), 120 of them to a jar. I got 2 jars. I hand out maybe 10 items a day, often more. People will say "Oooh! Now and LATERS!" and dive right into the bag, that's the kind of candyI want to be distributing. I found some awesome smarties too, they have Bible verses on the wrapper. Today, I also found a really cute purple vest I plan to buy myself for my birthday. It's fleecy, and purple. I have a serious love of "grape" purple. I also love vests - good Houston attire.

Good to see I am finding things fun again. :)

I took a week off of workouts last week, mostly. I plan to resume them tomorrow; hopefully I will wake up on my own around 1:30 AM, go do some weights and cardio, breakfast, etc.

Right now, I don't ahve the juice to do the dishes or get myself another pop. Not whining, but I am so, so, glad I don't ahve kids. I ahve a lot of memories of "Mommy is too tired of love you" or "Mommy is sick, and doesn't want a hug right now".

I am a very affectionate person; it used to hurt me worse than a slap. [shrug] She did her best and I know she loved me 100%. I am well aware MY best is nowhere close to what a kid deserves. I used to get angry that I couldn't have consistency from her; and I know myself I can't provide that at an acceptable childhood level.

Besides, I had a couple of odd, late, periods over the years. 3 I can recall. Maybe I have a few kids up in heaven. God knows they're a lot better off there, than here!

Off to go buy Ron a book on CD (Living Water by Brother Yun), and do my God time before collapsing into bed.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Not letting depression kick my butt

Running a little depressed today. I just got paid, a day off, pretty nice weather considering (we had a breeze today), and no motivation. UGH.

I downloaded some Disciple and Theocracy last night. Good, good, stuff. I love the intense metal jams praising Jesus. I see that look! Don't worry, I won't make you listen. You can Youtube it if you're curious.

So, I fried my brain with Theocracy, Whitecross, and Disciple all day. I dragged my butt off the couch. I checked the mail and saw a terrifying envelope from THEM. I did not open them, if I had it was nothing to worry about!

I said "I'll just do my deposit and see how that goes". I did the deposit, and the "Deposit you can eat!" was a big hit with the tellers (candy + scripture booklet).

I went to my favorite gas station and got a bucket of iced tea, some pringles (!), and 4 bottles of diet pop. Ron gave me some extra bonus money. I waited a while on my bus and mentally kicked myself for leaving my backpack at home (with extra antidepressants). AGH. Then I reminded myself, I'm in spiritual warfare. I am FIGHTING. The bad guy is certainly going to FIGHT BACK.

I love a great quote from Brother Yun "The Devil is like a dog on a leash. God allows him to attack us from time to time to keep us sharp." Absolutely true.

My bus came and the driver acted like the candy would bite him. I put it back in my bag, reminding myself that God uses rejection to keep me focused.

I honestly think I would be ineffective, if everyone fawned all over me, I never had a mood swing, and I was profusely and constantly praised. I reminded myself that the "No"s make the "Yes"s better.

I guess a part of me DOES want everyone to go, "OH, thank you SO MUCH!" [laugh] Well, I'm human, and that is a pretty rugged bus route, one of the worst in Houston. I'm surprised any of the drivers accept the candy, but you can see my photos. I'm clean and sane-looking. I don't fit a troublemaker profile and the first thing I do upon entering the bus is pay my fare.

So, I got off the bus and went to the Christian bookstore. New employees. I got a children's Bible. For some reason God was pretty loud on the subject. [shrug] Yessir. I got a few other items and paid up, then went to Starbucks.

Whenever I was alone, I had my music. It's important. I left my hat at Starbucks. Oh, well.

Then I went home. It took a while on the bus, but I made it.

Ron says on occasion "Another pointless day". I don't agree, it had significance, but kind of odd. Mainly Heather doesn't let depression corner her type of day. Oh, and I did get my new photos from the Blood Center - the ones they'll use in the publicity campaign next year. Look at the end of the slideshow.

I have NO idea what I'm doing for dinner. About the only certain thing is Mom & Dad's weekly phone call. Oh, and a disaster movie on Sci-fi.

So, what do I want to do with my life?

I have an anxious housecat stalking around the house. The neighbor's dog got out and is waiting on the porch for her buddy, Ron. Ron loves dogs and has had some happy sessions with her. She likes to sit in his lap while he pets her, on the porch, licking his face. I let him know, but he groaned and rolled over in bed.

If our neighbor has to have a dog, a medium-sized lump of sugar is a good one. She is very gentle and sweet, it's easy to see why they got her. I used to live in some awful areas that had vicious loose animals. I used to go jogging up and down our block, in the middle of the day, with a 2-foot stun gun baton.

I talk a lot about my life; where I've been, where I am. I thought it might be interesting to talk about where I hope to go.

Some things I hope to do with my life:
1. Continue to grow in my faith walk. Be an example to others.
2. Support and encourage other people with bipolar disorder, and be a good "big sister". Help and encourage others.
3. Support and encourage other caregivers, particularly long-term ones (like wives). We don't get a lot of credit in the long run and it can be very exhausting. I would love to help others.
4. Continue to help Ron run our business; providing excellent snack products and some good healthy choices. Build great relationships with our customers.
5. Help Ron with whatever he needs, as he helps me with my needs. We are very complementary in that regard. He is very good at the managing and organizing stuff - where I'm not.
6. Be a good, supportive family member. I heard a great quote once "Steps are for ladders". And what the heck is a half-sister? I have two sisters and three brothers. Some of them have the same DNA as I; others don't. But in the long run it doesn't matter. Love makes a family and I know they've got my back. I would like for them to feel they can call or email me; and walk away feeling better. I have not been easy to love (!), but they have always been there for me.
- See, this is the kind of stuff I hope they DO read, and one reason I am pretty transparent on the internet. About the only thing I haven't done here is post our business name, the exact hours I work, or my last name. I don't care who knows the rest. I hope they do know this. -
7. Continue to do whatever God sends my way; whether it's handing out candy, Bibles on the corner, or quietly listening while someone talks to me. I hope I remain useful and productive for His work.
8. Somewhere in there, take care of myself the way God wants me to; charging myself up with various fun activities, knitting while watching my monster movie, God Time, gardening, working out, etc. Staying active and busy so my thoughts don't eat me alive, while taking plenty of "down time" to ensure I am fresh and useful. I really need to work on this; but I am happy to announce I paid for some great tunes yesterday. I particularly like the "Theocracy" gospel metal. Little things like that mean a lot; if I remember to care for myself the way I would someone else.
9. Be an enjoyable person. I know I can be off-topic. I can say embarrassing things. I can go off on conversational tangets and baffle people. I talk too much, and interrupt. I want to work on being a positive person, not a negative one. I want to have enjoyable conversation and brighten people's days. Some of that, I can do. The rest we'll put in the FAS file. It's very common for us to mangle social interactions. I am really working on not saying ANYTHING negative. I have a tendency to do that now.

That's about it. I used to have a long list of things I'd like to do, but I don't think that really matters now. I just want to help people, and please God.

Now, I need to figure out what I'm doing "Today". I already slept late. I licked the "slept late" headache. After my shower, God time, and breakfast I have no idea what I'll do.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Don't talk to me about God

AGH. That's what I was told tonight by Ron.

We have a very scary paperwork issue. A couple of them, actually. We tackled one for the second time tonight. Ron decided he wanted to include a personal letter. He gave it to me.

I liked it pretty well, but wanted to tune it up a tad. Ron said "Whatever" - he was in his "I can't take anymore right now" mode that generally results in alcohol consumption. AGH. Since I had permission, I added a few explanatory lines. Ron took the flash drive from me and read it. He loved it.

"Oh, it's so expressive"! Well, good. Glad he liked it. I can't stand arrogance, because I AM prone to pride issues. I really watch that like you'd watch a flower garden for a noxious weed. If I see even a hint of pride, I want to get it out by the roots.

I said "Well, I had help." Ron got a sour face. "I asked God for help before I started on it. Just like I did this morning with the pallet jack." Ron got even more pruney. Kind of like when a little kid is about to make the "Fish face".

"Don't talk to me about God!" he snapped. Oh-kay! I retreated hastily.

"Oh, and thanks for working on the letter. I'm just mad at HIM right now." Then he went for the beer. AGH.

Some people may wonder why I'm so - devout? I hate the term "Religious" but it would probably apply here. Ron used to say that people who believed in God "needed a crutch". Boy, do I ever need a crutch!

I have brain damage that limits my interpersonal relationships to the following: casual business, internet "couldn't pick you out of a lineup" blog responders, Facebook, sales clerks, and family. That's about it! My interactions are definitely impaired. Yeah, a few people would be "bummed" if they heard I died but would I have a lot of sobbers at my funeral? Doubtful.

Agh. I can't spell tonight. I have the brain damage, I can't even drive. To me, it's science fiction. Hard for me to develop any kind of close non-family relationship. Just a statement of fact.

I am nuts. Crazy. Off my rocker. Psychotic if off my meds. Literally, I am psychotic. That's a big load!

Then, we have the side effects from the medications. Galloping attacks of the stupids are a pretty common occurance. Ron does a lot of sighing, and muttering at God under his breath, then says ominious things like "I don't blame YOU..."

I have caregiving issues, for a guy who is very angry at God, impulse control issues, and has trouble with alcohol. I love him and I hurt when he hurts, which is most of the time.

How could I not lean on God? Any one of those by themselves would break me.

Oh, and let's not forget the last, a husband who bitterly resents my faith. AGH. "I don't want you to lose your faith, but I'm so angry at Him!"

Yike. He gets all twitchy if someone is playing Gospel music in a cab. When he's mad at God, I can't even tell him I'm going to do my God Time (prayer and Bible study), 'cause he gets mad. AGH. Which sends me even closer to God.

He's the only perfect thing in my life!

Some of you may think I had this coming

Deleted.

I wasn't angry about her weight.. but her tripping Ron

I mentioned this in my comments section but bears repeating: the below post, I was mildly annoyed at her until she tripped my husband deliberately. The way she tripped him, he could have fallen 6 feet and landed on his head. I was very angry at her as a result. It took me a while to figure out I don't give a @#$! what she eats, or how much she weighs, but she ACTS in a way that endangers my husband, deliberately, and found it "funny". That, to me, was the ugliest and most objectionable thing about her.

Ron would probably say, she felt very threatened by you. You are young, not-bad-looking, overweight only, intelligent, and obviously happily married. You have a bubbly, vibrant, personality and most people who meet you, like you. You know your purpose in life and that shows. There she is, all alone, living in a senior complex, with a horrible reputation as "The one who breaks things" and "The ugly attitude" (triple confirmed by 3 separate drivers today).

I "Went off" about her weight - IN HERE, when I'm really angry at her reckless endangerment of my husband. She really hoped he WOULD hurt himself, that was very clear to me in her little "grin". Thank God I did catch him.

I really wonder how long she will go around, breaking equipment, until Metrolift tells her "You can't ride anymore".

I hope I CAN be real in here. It may not always be pretty, but I AM fiercely protective of my husband. If someone wants to hurt me, hurting a loved one is a lot more effective than a direct attack on me. When he hurts, I hurt.

Later on that day, Ron and I were riding another big van that picked up a very large lady. Normally I would probably just ignore her unless she spoke to me, but I saw she was very uncomfortable. She had lymphedema and horribly swollen legs. I was amazed she could climb the stairs. We had a great chat until we got the house, I honestly liked her. I cried like a baby when Sharon and Zer died, and they were not models. I loved them, and I still do.

Sometimes I don't always recognize why I am angry, and rant about something unrelated until it hits me. In my case, last night, in bed, I realized I hadn't gotten upset at her until she tried to trip Ron.

Up until that point, I was a little shocked and embarrassed for her. Yes, a little tired of her tirades about how Metrolift was out to get her... blah, blah, but that was just annoying.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

No way am I giving her a bag of candy


Thursdays is Milk day. We got up early, did all our usual routine, and headed out the door.


At first, I wasn't very impressed with the driver, but she grew on me. We were in the big van - see photo.


It has seating for about a dozen, plus a couple of wheelchairs. It has a hydraulic lift (look for the yellow), on the side. It lowers to the ground, the client rolls their wheelchair onto the lift, and then the lift raises up. When it gets to the top position, the back flap drops down to the client can roll onto the vehicle.
We observe this in action daily. Today, we saw something we'd never seen before. A lady was already onboard the van, she uses an electric wheelchair. We dropped her off at work, she was unloaded, and then off we went.
We had to drive 5 miles away from work, towards the next client. Ha! I knew all those straight trips would come with a price tag. We pulled up, and a very, morbidly, obese client was waiting in her electric scooter.
I have ranted quite a bit about the scooters. I think the scooters are terrible for people with disabilities. I have seen people who could walk hundreds of feet, so debilitated a few months after getting a scooter that they couldn't even stand upright for 2 minutes. It just seems, in my estimation, to make people worse!
I have also been told, that the store scooters that are so popular are only rated for 250 pounds. One greeter told me they are supposed to lie to the very heavy people and tell them the scooters are "being charged" when in fact, the real story is "You'll break the scooter if you'll ride it".
Not to mention, the scooter only works as long as it can be charged up. After a natural disaster, the power's off. Not a good idea to depend (if at all possible), on something like that. Better to use what you've got to the best of your ability; like my husband does. He walks as much and as far as he can, then uses the manual wheelchair. Even in the chair, he carries things in his lap, does lifting, and moves himself around.
The first lady on the van was paralyzed, she had to use an electric wheelchair. The second lady could walk, but chose not to. More on that.
So, the client rolls onto the lift, which is on the ground. Horrible heaving and grinding noises. HORRIBLE noises, all of a sudden a loud BANG and alarms. She was so heavy, she had broken the lift.
I have been told the lift has a capacity for about 600 pounds. The client weighed easily 550. I have been told the electric scooters weigh a couple hundred pounds, so you can see it wasn't a big surprise.
So, that was awkward. We're sitting there in the apartment complex. The lift hydraulics are leaking fluid like they've been shot. They're obviously; SHOT. I'm horrified. What do you say? I got out my knitting and focused.
The driver gets off and murmurs to the client. The driver gets on and asks me to move to the back of the vehicle. Then the client bounds up out of her scooter and climbs the stairs, sitting down.
My thought at the moment: "No way am I giving her a bag of candy". The driver does everything possible to get the lift working, but it's completely dead. Second thought "Why in God's name would you ride up, when you can walk?" She moved better than Ron.
The driver contacts dispatch. They try to troubleshoot, but it's DEAD. Ron calls and tells them, we need to get to work. Can we get another ride? The lift is down, on the ground, outside the vehicle. The van will not be moving anytime soon.
The other client starts shrieking about needing another ride (She is not going to work). I am terrified, at this point, that they will send the same type of van; the client will attempt to ride the lift as before, and break the replacement. It seems valid. Ron happily informs me we are getting a CAB - no way can the other lady fit into a cab. She gets angrier.
She starts shouting about Metrolift and their "Raggedy @ss vans". I wanted to say, it's not the van's fault. I've seen this happen twice, clients riding in the scooter who broke the lift.
At this point, I am frankly furious at this client. Because she was lazy, she is making us late for work. Because of her choices, I am stuck in a hot van (the lift doors won't shut when the lift is down), listening to an entitled, self-rightous, monster shouting at the driver. "They all have it in for me!" she shouts after hanging up with dispatch. "It's not MY fault" she continues, going on about how Metro needs to buy "better" vans.
Because of my temper, I did a lot of praying. I asked God to help me to have thoughts pleasing to Him. To help me not to say, do, or act in any way that wouldn't honor him. I did a lot of pleading with God to let me be a better person than I want to be.
I am absolutely dying to say "It's your own damn fault! If you had done some table push-aways, and fork put-downs, you would be skinny enough to drive yourself around. Instead, you are literally EATING up my tax dollars. You know, Medicare pays for Lap-band. You really ought to consider it and do ALL OF US a favor!" Thank God I take my medication; I didn't say it. I barely even thought it.
"Heather, get off the van!" The thought came to me and I immediatly acted. I told Ron "I think we'd better stretch out, don't you think? Let's get off and walk for a bit." Oh, great idea. Ron immediately caught on. "Let's get away from this toxic cloud!" our mutual thought. We don't have "the look" but we do have some kind of equivalent.
Up to this point, I almost felt bad for the other client. How awful to have an obesity problem so bad you can't even ride a wheelchair lift.
Her legs were very thick and stuck out into the walkway. I looked back as I got off, watching Ron's feet so he didn't trip, or accidentally step on her feet.. She DELIBERATELY stuck her foot out as Ron walked by, making him trip and almost fall out the open lift door 5 feet to the ground.
I looked at her face. I like to believe the best of people. Maybe it was an accident? She had a waste-eating grin. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I make you trip?"
THEN she smirked at me.
B!tch.
I turned my back on her, helped Ron off, and we went and sat on a curb. Happily our rescue ride came pretty fast. WE got into the van, and I could still hear her raised voice going on about how it wasn't her fault, where was her ride, everyone had it in for her.
Huh. Imagine THAT.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Don't claim Jesus and act like a butthead!

UGH. I can't imagine anything worse than the above statement. So much in the Bible about pride, humility, and obedience, just type any one of those words into www.biblegateway.com and get a real eyeful.

Speaking of obedience, I think that is one of the things that makes me usable to God. One of my favorite verses, in fact is, "Obedience is better than sacrifice". (Matthew 9:13, and Mark 12:33). My very favorite christian living book, in fact, has whole chapters on obeying God. (Living Water by Brother Yun)

I am very worried about falling into the pride and ego trap, bragging about how God uses me, and then rendering myself unfit for service. However, God really laid it on me to tell you ALL about today.

Today I slept in and had a good time doing so. I worked out (punching bag + weights), and then told Ron I'd like to donate blood tomorrow. He's qualified to donate and they are hungry for platelet donors, so why not?

Normally, I leave the house pretty early but today I didn't leave until 1 PM. I had a huge sack of Bibles and candy, and since we had a projected heat index of 110 I took my rolling cart. A lot of car people gape at my cart. I don't know why; but when I explain they do seem to get it.

My first bus ride resulted in me giving the driver a whole Bible, and testimony about how God's used bad things in my life for good. I'll retype that all out one day.

Then I tried to give driver candy to the second driver, he didn't want it but a guy sitting behind him started shouting for it. Now me, Heather, would say "Drivers only buddy! Go buy your own" - but the God in me said "Heather, he is shouting for my GOOD NEWS! Give it to him!" As he exclaimed over the candy (I pray over it as I do it and ask God to help me select everyone's favorites), his girlfriend and 2 other women on the bus looked VERY interested. So, more handouts.

I got off and walked to the chicken place. Ron wanted some chicken. 3 more bags handed out there. I went to Starbucks, and they had all gotten candy. Good. They did get a good tip. Can't go around proclaiming Jesus and acting like a butthead! That's just WRONG, wrong, wrong.

After that, I rolled off with my drink to Favorite Dollar! I handed out another bag of candy there, and found some "good" individually wrapped, heat tolerant, candies. Yay!

For some reason, I felt a very insistent prodding to buy a pink umbrella. OK. They are good umbrellas. I think I mentioned how last year I started handing them out to people who needed them. I use one myself.

My stuff and I rolled off to the bus stop. I waited and had time to do some Bible study, so I did. One guy who was kind of giving me the eye decided I was OK after that. He sat down next to me and I gave him a Bible/candy. The Bibles are bagged up with candy, the "candy" always has a 48 page scripture booklet. He was happy to get it, and I even gave him a plastic bag to carry it.

I rode to a transfer point. I am not a big fan of "Corner" grocery. I just don't find their lineup impressive, and always terrible, long , lines. God was very pushy - go in there. I did, and got some diet soda.

I gave the cashier a New Testament and she thanked me, then hid it in her smock. I was certain I'd just given away my last bag of candy, so I bought a snickers bar for my home route bus driver.

I headed off to the bus stop. One of those "I don't wait at the stop" people I can find aggravating, a young woman who was black. She had good reason to hide, it was raining and she was undoubtably worried about her hair. God immediately reminded me of the pink umbrella.

I dug it out, discovering another New Testament bagged up with candy. I gave BOTH to her; I think she'll be a lot more likely to read it in light of the "gifts".

Then the bus driver came, and I gave him the snickers bar. Boy, he was really happy to see it.

That's an "average" day for me, and why I try to be so obedient. One day God will show me how He was able to use me as His hands here on Earth. Maybe a few people will stop by my table and thank me for the ticket to Heaven. :)

I hope so. I also hope He keeps me obedient and useful. With a very strong back, and tote bag, to haul all that stuff! I literally do CARRY the Gospel! [laugh]

Monday, August 23, 2010

It's not my job to make him happy

As I walk down my road of life, it's a journey only I can take. I have come to some important conclusions. Today, for instance. Ron was very impatient, ungrateful, negative, and irritable. I found it pretty sad because at work, he had made a point of saying he values me and my contributions.

When he's ugly and impatient, I have some choices to make. Did I respond in kind? Did I choose to take it personally, and polish up my martyr halo? Did I accept "responsibility" for Ron's mood at all? Did I confront him? Did I play "Why me?"

The answer to all of them is NO. A time, not long ago, when you would have gotten every word and inflection. But I've come to realize, what Ron does is what RON does. All that matters is how I'm acting! Am I being a hater, or loving? Positive, or negative? Kind or unkind?

He does plenty of things I don't like, but that's on him. My job is regulating how I react. That's it. How am I reacting? Am I reacting? I also use his "moods" as an opportunity to remind myself how unpleasant it is to be with a negative person, reminding myself not be that person.

So I try to ask myself questions: Is my behavior pleasing to God? Are my thoughts and speech gracious (Psalm 19)? If cursed, am I blessing in return? A good verse for today: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1 Corinthians+4:11-13&version=NIV Corinthians+4:11-13&version=NIV "11To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. 12We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; 13when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world." Fortunately I don't have it THAT bad!

I Peter 3:8-10
" 8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech."

To mind, this is what makes us Christians DIFFERENT; we act completely contrary to our own human nature. God, in us, can lead us to do amazing things. That's how our faith ought to work.

I haven't done that; it's a lot easier to have a pity party. It's easier to build up resentment. It's not easy to ask God to put His love in my heart when Ron is barking at me and irritable. But the more I ask, the easier it is to ask, and the easier it is to realize that I'm not responsible for Ron's happiness.

The cat brought home a flying roach last night. It woke me up, crawling on my back. I ended up flailing at it and yanking off my nightgown in the middle of the night, half-wondering if it was all just a nasty hallucination. When I did get up, sure enough a huge dying roach on the floor. YUCK. Let's hear it for those Harris Roach Tablets - the last meal!

I took my medication, and today I had hours of fun with "Let's be nauseous and hot-flashy!" - AGH. Horrible sensation, dripping sweat and so queasy.. my only consolation that I have never vomited yet from my medication. Then people kept talking about food around me... made it worse. I didn't say much, but worked on being positive and grateful for the good things in my life.

About an hour ago, I got a roaring attack of the stupids and felt so weak I thought I might fall out of my chair. It's a little better now but I need the nap I'm about to take.

But guess what? I have medication. I can control my moods, instead of them controlling me. People like having me around. Romeo left me alone, and yelled at his wife instead. I have a great cat. Most of the night, I had a great night's sleep. The horrible bug is now dead. I had plenty of time to do my God Time and bag up driver candy. I got all my work finished; and did quite a bit to help Ron. I'm healthy and vibrant, and so are the people I love. We went to Burger King after work. Every ride we had today was straight - uncommonly wonderful. I had great drivers. I have tomorrow off, and $40 in my pocket. So, I called it a good day.

Ron can look at his events, and interpret them how he wants. We do live in America.

It's not my job to make him happy, 24/7. It's my job to love him, which I think I do well.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Biggest Bible Handout

Wow, I had a very busy weekend.

I had considered possibly doing a big Bible handout; thought it might be a good idea. Sales Tax weekend, everything is essentially 10% off. A lot of stores do more business than Black Friday.

I got a coupon for 20% off at the Christian bookstore. I went and picked up about 35 Bibles. As I paid, they gave me a huge sack of beautiful Bibles. Awesome, and confirmation to do it.

I went on about my business, forget what I did now - OH! I met Ron at a fried chicken place, and he gave me a ride home. I got him some little items I picked up at the Dollar Store.

The next morning was supposed to be weight day, but I had a strong feeling I should wait. Wait on the weights that is. [groan] So I got up, took my shower, added yet MORE Bibles to the stash in my cart, and rolled off down to the corner. The median strip, actually.

It was wild. I handed out over 100 Bibles, Testaments, and Scripture booklets. People were shouting for Bibles. I kept saying "No, ma'am I don't take donations!" and a lot of "I'll be praying for you!"

My favorites were the obvious gang member, and the parents asking for Bibles for their kids. I handed it all out in about an hour.

As I was running up and down the median (about 150 feet long, and several feet wide), carrying a VERY heavy sack of Bibles on my arm and brandishing my 2x3 foot sign at passing cars, it dawned on me that I had done a good thing skipping that workout! Cardio AND weights! Whew!

It was HOT and muggy! I drank 2 liters of diet pop just during the handout, which took about an hour. Here are some photos:
August 2010

The only "bad" thing about it, and I am certain God used this deliberately: A little boy saw my sign. He was in the backseat of the car. Now, I will wave my sign and point at it. Pause beside a car. Either they ignore me, or look at me. If they look at me, they might wave me off, or do a hand signal that I know translates to "I have a Bible already, but thank you!" Some point at me "Hey, Harry, lookit that!" Some grin at me, "Awww." Some roll down a window!

Some dig into a wallet as I point at the "Free", then put it up and roll down the window. I ask "How many?", or, if God laid it on me to give a few, I will just hand in a small stack. Then I thank them, tell them I'm praying for them, and walk off.

In this case, the little boy (about 8) desperately wanted a Bible, I could see him pointing and yelling. His mother refused to roll the window down and I had to look at the little sad face as she drove away. God made it clear: Children are as hungry, as adults, for God.

So, on Halloween I will be handing out a New Testament, in a bag of candy, to every child of literate age. I think it'll be fun.

After an hour, I was out! I rolled my now-empty cart, with empty tote bag (I held the sign in my left hand, the tote bag full of Bibles on my left arm, another tote bag with Spanish materials on my left shoulder, right hand gives the Bibles) off to the gas station. Handed out a couple more, but these had candy. Got a bucket of iced tea, some pop, and off to the bookstore.

It was pretty busy, so I just gave the bare details of the handout, then thanked them. Got a few pictures taken. Got some really wierd looks from customers gaping at my sign. Bought some more Bibles.

Then I went off to Starbucks. Had a nice little time, then hit a grocery store on my way back.

Ron wanted spicy pork rinds. Pretty awful if I spent all my energy serving others, with none left for him!

TODAY, I did my workout, a modified one because my back was pretty sore. That cart must have weighed at least 60 pounds before I started the handout!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Toxic from the lithium today.

Ugh. I was OK with the zombie effects. I was OK with extreme fatigue. I made some iced tea and now it's extreme nausea. UGH.

Still plan to have fun tomorrow, it is the highest shopping holiday in the land: NO SALES TAX WEEKEND. (on clothes, shoes, and school supplies).

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Heavy metal

This morning I got up at 5 AM to do my weight workout. Still running a little depressed and brooding about last night.

I got my MP3 player and hit it. I started with the squats, moved into bench presses, then every kind of deadlift in the world. I felt like an animal slapping plates on the barbell. After the deadlifts I had to take them off so I could actually use the barbell for my other things! I had a great, hour long workout.

I was listening to Disciple http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcM0MJXYGAQ, doing all these hardcore weight movements... wearing my pink sport bra and baggy warmup shorts. When I finished, I peeled everything off and threw it in the washer (whew!), drank my protein shake in the kitchen, and took a shower. After that, I got dressed in "normal" clothes and did my God Time.

Something funny about heavy metal and powerlifting/pink sport bra/heavy metal/evangelist/caregiver/stocking job/doing my God Time. But that's who I am. God created me for this. God created me to fill a unique role in His Kingdom. I feel very comfortable; this is who I am.

UGH. Hot flash. [sigh] Well, a lot better than depression, but kind of funny. I am having hot flashes like I'm in menopause and my cycles have never been more regular IN MY LIFE. Very funny, actually. Even the cramps are better. [fanning myself] A LOT better than depression! I don't need to pull up the posts from September to March to recall that!

So, I did my God Time. I had plenty of time to pray for everyone (including you). Then I worked and did up some Driver Candy. I read a book recently that stated every Christian has "Their own special harvest somewhere in the world. We need to identify it, sow into it, and prayerfully help gather it into God's Kingdom." Good point. So, it was completely normal for me to hand out half the driver candy to other passengers on the service today.

Ron was pretty groggy and slow, again, today. We just went to Walmart. During his last drunken blackout, he somehow broke the plastic chair on the front porch. I forgot to mention that as I grieved over him crashing, falling, and cursing, God reminded me that "I love Ron even more than you do, Heather." What a comforting thought. I was not crying alone.

So, I got Ron into "his" cart and we compared various chairs. He really thinks it is a big deal for me to pick up and move things. Not a problem at all! I love being active. I lined up all the contenders and he picked the plastic "Adironack" style chair. It's blue, I got to pick the color. It looks great with the white lattice and the orange house.

I told Ron, I'm like a parrot. I love bright colors.

We got all Ron's stuff and he asked me if I wanted anything. I found an interesting weightlifting magazine, so he got me that and some Diet Rite Cherry Cola. Yum.

Then we just came home and took it easy. I TRIED to take a nap but Mr Naughty Kitty decided to drag his toy around all over the house and wake me up! I "punished" him with kisses and a hug.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

That was unpleasant

Well, that was unpleasant.

I realized my last post was unkind. Yes, I find it offensive when ignorant women objectify themselves and try to manipulate those around them; that doesn't mean I have to be hatey about it. God will deal with them, and they must have obvious self-esteem issues.

Huh. They probably feel very threatened when they see me READING at the bus stop. I never considered that.

So, I apologized to God, and I am choosing to leave the comments up to show that I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, but when I see that I have, I repent and do my best to make it right.

I was telling Ron, I resent it when women objectify themselves. Anyway, that led to him asking me "What did you say to that guy that made him think he could make a move?" I told him the same thing I told him before; that I felt unappreciated and undervalued.

"That's not true" Ron barked. "Well, were you TELLING ME?"

[baffled shrug] I don't see any way to tell Ron; in a way he will not view as an attack. I was not saying any of this in an intention to attack Ron, just saying "It hurts me when Ron drinks, and I wish he could stop". I have been saying it for years.

I guess this time, the guy thought it was his golden chance. I thought we were just work friends. He saw it as far more.

I have told Ron that; and he keeps going on about how I "Need to keep it professional". I said, I am being very professional. I am not saying or doing anything unprofessional. I am polite.

No, Ron says. I need to me more than polite, I need to be friendly, like he is. I tell Ron, friendly got me stalked and I'm not doing that again. He says it was my fault because I gave "signals".

What? When I was backing away, or when I was yelling NO? How about when I told him "Leave me alone?" ten thousand times the next time I saw him and he kept pestering me? Which one of those times was I giving him the wrong signal?

I told Ron, the last time he got extremely drunk and couldn't work I just said you were "unwell". Do you want me telling them all of it, like I used to?

No, he doesn't want that.

I don't think the man knows WHAT he wants, but he needs to stop poking at this. Ron told me he told Romeo "Things need to go back like they used to be."

HELL NO. I am not getting stalked or raped just so Ron feels we have a happy family; and if he wants to be angry at people he needs to look at his own behavior. Why were the only kind words Heather got coming from another man?

A man she REJECTED, by the way.

I go pretty far

Ron loves that song; he considers it "mine". He really likes the line: "I don't go too fast, but I go pretty far". It makes him mushy and very, very appealing. He asked me to put up a link; done.

The depression was a lot better today, if anything I was almost manic. I had some lower back and quadriceps pain, so I put off weight day until tomorrow. I would rather wait a day, then hurt myself.

I did my God Time and prayed over the candy. It sounds odd to say that; "I prayed over the candy", but I do. I ask God to show me what He wants me carrying; Bibles, New Testaments, only Scripture Booklets... how many sugarfree, Spanish, and English. I generally get "an idea". Today, it was a dozen bags of candy with Scripture booklets. Busy! I also ask God to help me pick the most appealing and desirable candies for each recipient [grin]. I rarely get feedback; "Oh, ALL MY FAVORITES!" Good. That's what I'm requesting!

Ron dropped me off and saved me 2 bus rides. He had a horrible night, said he felt pins and needles, and jabbing pains all night long. Ugh! It sounds like he was some kind of horrible voodoo doll. It's the neuropathy. Nothing can be done except take his pills.

He went home, I headed off to Christian bookstore #1. They had expressed interest in getting some more "Where to Look in the New Testament" tracts but I only had a couple. Since I was planning to get more copies today, I brought a few spares. I teased them a little about not needing any more New Testaments - yet!

Me and my hand cart rolled off to the gas station. Now, part of it is my fault. I should have been a better listener and more obedient to the Holy Spirit leadings. I had a feeling "Don't hand out anything".

I was GOOD! I was so good! Until the Spanish couple came in behind me, and I had an overwhelming urge to give them some Spanish candy. I probably would have been OK if I had left it there, but I thought "It isn't very nice to give them candy, and not the cashier".

So I gave him a bag - I had already paid and packed my stuff up. He had asked about my hand cart and I explained brain damage, can't drive (but I go pretty far -ha!). He just gave me this baffled, judgemental look.

Anyway, once he saw the Scripture Booklet - "The Amazing Life of Jesus" he went buggo shouting at me that I couldn't hand it out in his store, get it off his counter, I am not allowed to hand out anything in the store, and more shouting... I took the candy back (my next bus driver said "Thank you") and skittered off like a midnight cockroach.

I will NOT be going back. I don't care what religion you are, but you don't need to SHOUT at me. You could have said "NO" and left it at that. You could have thrown the candy away - Jesus will not leap up and infect you through the plastic.

I can see his point; here I am giving him JESUS CANDY during Ramadan, and he can't even eat it for another 12 hours because he has to fast and prove he's a good Muslim. It is actually very rare for me to encounter a Hater Muslim. The worst they do is shake their heads and say "No". I remembered (later) he shouted at me when I tried to give him a Bible about a month ago; he just said "I don't want this".

Well, I tried twice. The nice people who did accept the candy have moved on; I will not be going back. I guess God wants me handing out candy somewhere else.

After that excitement, I called my aunt, yakked at her for a while. I went to Academy and looked at their shoes. Didn't see anything appealing. Time to move on.

I often wait at bus stops with some unusual people; I always ask God if He wants me to give them candy. Heard a lot of "no" today. The first one was so notorious about calling in complaints they greet her by name. The only time I called that number I had a compliment (a fact I didn't share). Here comes the bus (the driver took the rejected Jesus candy). He had a lot of difficult customers. One woman got on carrying both an infant and a toddler, set the infant on a seat (poor baby almost fell off!), but the driver leaped up and helped her move the stroller while she attended to the baby. Why not leave baby in the stroller? Most moms get on with baby in stroller, then take baby and and hold her while the bus is in motion. Dunno.

I was not the only one with a hand cart. I saw a lot of people with rolling hand luggage type items. It was particularly annoying when they would get on with the cart, then stand by the driver and try to "jive" them into a free ride with a lot of fast talk (if female, a lot of flirting).

[Rolleyes] Just say "I don't have any money, can I ride?" most times the driver just pushes a button and tells them to sit down. The driver only gets in trouble if they don't hit the button. If an undercover Metro Police Officer is on board, they can be ticketed.

Please don't stand there and block the door while you try to fast-talk the driver. The driver has heard it all. The driver is not INTERESTED (unless you are young, female, and half your breasts are hanging out, and HE's young and single). Just sit down already!

One gal wandering around Houston today had a huge rolling tote, a designer handbag, designer outfit, and manicured nails. Also had a NICE cell phone and a lot of excuses. [rolleyes] But she was young and cute and a lot of men were falling all over themselves for her.

Me, I was wearing my mauve microfiber t-shirt and baggy gray warmup shorts with sneakers and a fannypack. I didn't exactly scream "Hottie!" [laugh] Not to mention any makeup I might wear would have melted off in the feels like 110. I'm walking pretty good distances and pulling my hand cart, too.

I go pretty far. [grin] So, I went to the other Christian bookstore. I was delighted to find another copy of http://www.backtojerusalem.com/btjPages/bookstore.html Living Water. It is the best non-Bible book I have ever read. It is the only non-Bible Christian book I keep, cherish, and value. I actually read it every night before bed. I have given away dozens of copies (they are sadly on the clearance rack); I don't know who gets this copy but I know God already knows. He will lay it on me at the time.

I am happy to see Brother Yun has it on CD. I want to get Ron a copy.

I also found a book about Every Home for Christ Ministries. I have heard good things about them from World Missionary Press. For $1 - I felt certain it would be worth it.

I even bought myself a new Bible-thumper t-shirt. "The Lord is my strength and my song". And I was off.

Next stop, one of those office stores; the kind where you get copies. I went in and started reading my book at the counter. Pretty soon my regular guy "Luke" came over. I handed him my folder full of masters and he got going on the "Where to Look in the New Testaments'. As I left, I thanked him and said he had a part in every New Testament I handed out, and thanks to him a lot of people would get reached. He liked that; he's a Christian.

It wouldn't be a Day Out without a stop at Favorite Dollar. I got some ziplocks, and recalled Ron bewailing a lack of salty snacks. I tried to call; he didn't answer. Recall he had a bad night. So, I picked out some things that he loved.

I got some more ziplocks (I have a perpetual need of ziplocks), some bagged peanuts for me, and some Chick-O-Stix and another candy item... no, just the Chicks. They are a very popular, local candy, and bring a lot of happy childhood memories. Happily, they are a non-melting candy.

Then off to Starbucks. I didn't even want to go but God was really loud: GO TO STARBUCKS, GET A BIG ICED TEA, AND HAND OUT CANDY. Yessir. I handed out a couple of bags. Ha. I will probably find out dozens were led to Jesus because I was obedient.

I saw Hottie and her big rolling bag. Now, I've gone into my waiting at the bus stop rule before; if I'm not on the bench, or by the pole, I am not at the stop. A lot of people in Houston have the attitude you can wait half a block away, in the shade (like it helps! ha!) and then mosey over.

The stop is the designated area. If someone is at the stop before me I let them on the bus first. If you're not at the stop, the driver has a perfect right to leave you behind. If they have to wait for someone to run out and "catch" the bus (happened to me last Monday), then it can run late and people can miss their transfers (like I did, waiting an hour in feels-like-100). A lot of Houston riders do not grasp the concept. They probably think I am "wierd" for waiting at the actual stop.

One woman was particularly rude to me today. I had been waiting at the proper stop. She came out from under a tree 'way's off and tried to cut in front of me, realized she couldn't get around my handcart and said "Go ahead, princess." in a rude voice. I found it funny, because she was really talking to HERSELF. She had a very low cut top which I found very funny because she knew the driver, and kept talking about "God told me" this and that - all very self-serving things with her breasts hanging out of her blouse with the nipples barely covered. I kept thinking "God told you to cover up!"

It might have been cute/acceptable look if she were 20 but when a woman's 50 or so... looking like that... it just made her look like a cougar. I mean, it was so funny it was pathetic. She was really LOUD too, if I can hear every word you are saying, you are 10 feet away, AND my MP3 player is on "Maximum"....that's pretty loud. [shudder]

I'm telling you this to give you a picture of some of my encounters on an average Day Out. Some interesting people, let me tell you! God laid it on me "NO Candy" for that driver, either.

I got off, alone, and immediately got an impulse to give some Spanish Candy to a guy. I did, moved on, and went to my connecting bus stop. Ron had called so I chattered happily at him as I pulled my hand cart about half a mile in the sun, heat, and humidity.

I drank the last of my "Hater Pops" (20 ounce soda purchased from the Hater today - he is on the prayer list), and headed off. Waiting a bit, caught the next bus to go home. HE got some candy.

I got home pretty fast and took out the trash. Ron and I are just going to Walmart tomorrow. Last week he broke the plastic chair on the porch, so he wants to look at new ones. I could stand to look at the shoes, too.

Anyway, nothing major planned except a shower and some laundry. Dinner, I have no idea. Ron is feeling "fat" so I will work up some low-carb things with him.

Got yelled at by muslim - didnt like the candy. o-k!

Monday, August 16, 2010

He could have gotten wet!

I'm battling a pretty nasty depression. Waking up depressed, skipping workouts, not blogging. It's just very hard to get my mind into a happy place.

Even the cat has noticed. He brought me a lovely grasshopper for breakfast, and just now bolted into the house. Rain's imminent; and he always gets agitated. It's about to rain! He MIGHT have gotten wet! Horrors! Fortunately he was in the garage, now in the house, lying near my feet. He always wants lots of petting and attention when it's about to rain. I suspect it has to do with his first year; spent exclusively outside.

I'm doing what I can to manage: trying to be positive. I told Ron, he has been trying to "cheer me up". I took a double dose of Wellbutrin (approved by doc), and if I didn't have a family history of seizures I probably would have taken a third.

I did manage to get to work and work productively. I had to do some cleanup; absolutely filthy, unglamorous work. I got two deliveries and stocked one; I took out the dumpster. Busy.

After work I we went to Walmart. I got Ron in the kiddie cart and made my bank deposit, then got what he wanted. For some odd reason, Ron gets really upset if I buy generic sodas. He would rather buy me all name brands than discover I bought a 2-liter of store brand. Huh. OK.

I don't want to make him feel like a "bad provider" and made a point of thanking him for being understanding. He does try so hard.

Yeah, it sucks to be me right now. My day off tomorrow sounds like a horrible chore instead of the usual fun. I'm going to make myself go out and do something, not sure what. Maybe I'll get a plate for my weight collection, I could use a 45 pound plate.

I'm also using this as an opportunity to focus on God; He is allowing this attack to sharpen me up and keep me useful. I can't handle this on my own; I have to lean on God. The instant I think I can do ANYTHING on my own power is the minute I become useless to God.

I would rather battle this illness and the brain damage; and remain useful to God. It's not in the Bible but that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Boy, I'll be strong!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Run-down

Boy, I have really felt crummy and run down the last week or so.

Allergies, headaches... ugh. A little depression too. I figure it is just demonic attacks, cat dander, and bad air quality. Going to be doing some chores today, so I can enjoy tomorrow.

Ron accidentally broke my plastic blender. Glad it is plastic. That would have been a mess.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Videos!

I've been busy!

Videos! Videos!

Two of me, two of Ron. Ron does tell a PG-13 joke but mine are suitable "For all viewing audiences". LOL

Here is a link to my page on Youtube. http://www.youtube.com/user/HoustonHeather#p/a

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Off vodka

Well, Ron says he's off vodka for a bit. [shrug] I'm just glad I was able to get to work.

My allergies have been RAGING. The air quality must be terrible. I'm in a good mood overall; but really tired and groggy from the benadryl.

New Ron videos up (before all that).

Monday, August 9, 2010

Hatey McHater

Ron got pretty rowdy last night. He has been having ongoing neuropathy issues, and took an extra neurontin.

Later on, he had a beer. [clutching head in hands]

Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to hear Ron shouting and rolling the wheelchair all over the house. You think I kid. I'm not. I will say he parked it properly after his jaunt but he kept me up most of the night.

Come pickup time he wasn't riding! So, I got out my phone. Good old Yellow Cab. Good old Diet Mountain Dew to get me going.

Good old "Heather" credit card on Ron's account (for times like this). Good old Greg who picked me up.

I decided I could be a hater. I could get really angry about how my husband FAILED me. I could tell everyone what happened.

Or, I could just say the truth, Ron didn't feel well. I got up so I could go to work, so I could just WORK without being the Hatey McHater. I could ask God to help me take my thoughts captive, ask Him to give me gracious thoughts and speech, and ask Him to put His thoughts in my head, words in my mouth, and love in my heart.

I did that. Ron called and was quite belligerent. Eventually he sobered up enough to realize "If Heather went to work by herself, there was a GOOD reason for it!"

When I got dressed (at home of course), I wore my favorite microfiber t-shirt and pants. I wore my favorite perfume. I brought my beloved purple baseball cap. I assumed Ron would not make it into work, so I brought my bus pass so I could ride home.

Well, he did make it into work. I had done most of the work by then. I got him his wheelchair and took care of him. I kept asking God all the requests over and over, though.

I very nicely told him I needed some alone time and would be taking the bus when I finished. He understood completely. He was still vigorously beating himself up. It is my hope that he realize alcohol and medication are not compatible, AT ALL.

I went out and JUST missed the bus. I walked about half an hour to the transfer point (note - I DID NOT see another local bus so I made the right call, I would have been standing in the heat at one of those "Pole in the ground" bus stops for half an hour in a really bad area). I also got my cardio for tomorrow. :)

I got there and just caught the bus I wanted, to the mall. Then, a lovely hour long wait in the sun and humidity on the next bus. I did get all my Bible study and prayer time done. Along with some knitting.

Finally, the next bus came. I had to ride it for an hour to get to my destination. I got off and went to Academy. I got another pair of warmup shorts.

I have never been one for a shopping spree, but if I won one, or a large gift card, I would love Academy. Perfect for my style type. I "want" more women's clothing items there than I do at just about any other store. Most stores I find laughable. Especially the dramatic styles... NOT me.

Academy has cute, sporty, type clothes. Perfectly Heather. You will note, in my album, in virtually every photo I am wearing a t-shirt. They make t-shirts a lot of fun.

Anyway, I walked out of there very happy. They have some cute sport bras so I will be back.

I went to Starbucks. I had "my" drink and did some more knitting. Then I went to a grocery store I seldom visit and got some little items for myself (non-perishable, we had a heat index of 108 today). Ron wanted pork rinds, so I got him a bag.

I got my rides home and got in around 3. I freshened up and had a lovely nap.

I'm pretty proud of myself. It would have been easy to let anger poison my whole day, but I refused.

Tomorrow, we take a huge bag of cat litter to visit Ron's elderly friend. :)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Only Jesus is perfect

Feeling better. Running a little depressed obviously.

I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW that Ron is TRYING. Hey, only Jesus is perfect. Ron did have a whack on the head that kept him in a coma for 3 weeks. He was pretty gloomy before that, too.

Anyway, I took a nap, did a great cardio workout: 20 minutes high intensity on the bike, then 10 minutes out in the garage beating the daylights out of my punching bag. I turned on the radio just as "We're not going to take it" started up. THAT was so appropriate!

Time to eat, pills, God time, and bed.

That's Sad

Sometimes, it would be really easy to make Ron look like a complete creep and me, the long-suffering victim. The last couple days he has been EXTREMELY cranky.

Some examples: Telling me he was calling the "chat line" again and then wanting to discuss all the sexual preferences and probable disease status on all the chatters. Then getting angry when I told him, yet AGAIN, that I don't want to hear he is calling the line and I certainly don't want to hear about the "members". I don't want him to call it, and I don't want to know that Ron is calling it. "I get bored" he whines. Read a book! Don't call the sl#tline and then expect me to applaud you and gossip about the members with you. I don't want to hear the ad for the couple that wanted a foursome. GACK. He got really angry when I told him, simply, "I'd rather not know you're calling it, and I never want to hear about the people on it." What, in that statement, evokes FOUR HOURS of sulking and a half day of defensive rationalization? I don't need you to tell me you didn't know I didn't want to hear about them (apparently the head injury has left a big hole in this area, because I have told him hundreds of times). Then I get accused of judging when that's exactly what he is doing, saying they are all probably diseased. If they are so offensive, why call? If I were to tell him not to call at all, I'd be accused of "trying to control him and no one controls ME" and he'd REALLY go off the chain.

Ranting interminably about his perspective on life and God. He started with the whole "Society is a rotting piece of fruit. We are all overripe and God is just letting us rot on the ground." I told him, you've said this before. "No I haven't!" then I started reciting his views right back at him. That resulted in hours of sulking and brooding. When I tell him he is being extremely negative and ask for a break - as requested when he is NOT ranting: "JUST TELL ME HEATHER, I'LL STOP!" When I tell him he's a little "intense" I he sulks, says I am trying to control him, etc. Justification... how unfair that he can't express his opinions. THAT issue is so bad I have actually considered carrying a stopwatch and timing how long every day he goes off. Recently he was doing this in a cab. The driver was exhibiting very pained body language - not wanting to hear it. Rubbing the back of her next repeatedly and only relaxing when Ron was quiet.

I tried to explain this and Ron got angry at me, and said, basically, she had to hear what he wanted to say - like it or not. I told him hearing did not equal acceptance and he was in danger of turning a lot of people OFF of God if he kept going around telling them they didn't exist, and this world didn't either, because it's all "energy". (A small example) Eventually he relented a bit and said if I "signalled" him, he WOULD stop. It's bad enough he dumps on me, but completely unfair to dump on other people. I WILL come down on him for that.

He complains bitterly about my music... yet listens for hours to his hippie music about people screwing around (not a good subject for me considering our history). He plays it on a little boom box he carries around, so I either have to put on my headphones or suck it up. If I ask HIM to put on headphones it's the attitude again, name-calling, and judging because I don't like his "good" music. I'm Heather the Fun Killer. I understand it is his way of reaching out to people, but I hate country. I hate soul (a lot more songs about people screwing around). I hate hippie music (yet again). Yet I am constantly forced to music I hate because Ron wants to be "the fun guy with all the good music". If I even MENTION my music Ron accuses me of "being angry, only angry people listen to it....if I had your life I would be angry too, it's so angry, it is displeasing to God... only immature people listen to it..." etc. Do I say any of that about HIS music? No. He would say because I couldn't, but the point remains: He is very critical about my music, refusing to even allow me to play it, and forces me to listen to music I hate - and I never complain. I don't make hater comments. I don't judge him. About the only positive thing I can say is that he does not play "Tulsa Time" which I really detest.

Then today we went to Walmart. At first things were fine. I asked if I could borrow $5 until payday so I could (for the record with you) buy a lower-carb whey protien powder AND some driver candy and soda. He got very angry and said no. He refused to buy the candy for me and let me pay him back. He told me I spent too much money on other people and I got the budgeting lecture.

I said, fine. I put the protein back (it was the most expensive at $15), leaving plenty of money for the candy, soda, and rubbing alcohol. Hopefully I can get the protien after I get paid. Later on Ron said he'd buy the candy, very grudgingly and insincere. I said I had put something back and could afford it now.

The Walmart brand 2-liters are only about 80 cents. That's about the price of one half liter bottle of soda in a six pack. I got several of them (probably would have gotten them if I had a lot of money). Ron does not ever drink "my" soda, he is not interested and prefers to drink his diet orange.

The cashier said "Oh, are the generics any good?" I told her yes, I liked them a lot, and you couldn't beat the price. Ron got all mad. "I would have got you the name brand... you should have told me you had to buy generics." This from guy who just told me he WOULDN'T give me money. I told him I get the generics a lot, it wasn't a today thing, and I like to save money. He sulked for a while after that. Why could he possibly care I bought MYSELF generic soda (which tastes the same to me) with MY money, after a big budget lecture? Oh, and him spending $15 on the cat. [snorting] Pretty funny actually.

Do I EVER complain? Did I complain when we got all the way out of the store, put up the cart we used, and then he says "I think I might need to go". No. I did not say "You should have told me when we were right by the bathroom". I did not say "Why didn't you go at home?" I didn't say anything except OK. I turned right around, went back in, and took him to the bathroom.

If you are with someone who does not need to be taken to the bathroom, appreciate it. It is a big pain. Especially when he says he needs to go and then says no, he doesn't. I have to drag him to the bathroom. It gets old. I would like to be married to a man who can get HIMSELF to the bathroom. Then I have to wait for him to finish, outside the bathroom, so I can lead him out again.

One who doesn't rant and rave and dump on ME because the ride is late. Did I complain? No, I got out my knitting and wove in some ends that were hanging loose. Do I ever, EVER, complain that Ron can't drive? Look at me? Admire how fast I knit? No. I don't. I lead him around and I'm happy to be his guide-dog/walker. I lead him around AND I prop him up, and I'm happy to do it because I love him.

I mention one lousy side effect to him and he gets angry and starts yelling at God, and says I don't deserve to have side effects! So much anger! I end up consoling him... and I just wanted a speck of sympathy or some understanding, not a tirade. Worse than the problem! So today I walked around dripping sweat like a menopausal woman because my antidepressant causes hot flashes... not saying a word because telling him would have cost me too much.

That's SAD.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's a good pain

OOooh. I have a stiff shoulder today - the punching bag workout really got me. It's a good pain, ha ha.

We got up very early and went to Foodtown while it was NICE and quiet. I found it devious that Metrolift put us on a training route, so the nice young man will have us as his benchmark "client". [snort] Candy was a big hit.

Came home, put up the goodies. Took a brief nap, didn't sleep as well as I would have liked last night.

Got up, made up some driver candy, and went with Ron to the Mongolian stir fry place. Oh, it was good. We got there at lunch and I think our meats and vegetables were confused. Ron found squid in his food, and I found bamboo shoots in mine. It was still good.

Today Ron told me that he lost his Metrolift ID card. AGH. It also serves as a bus pass. Ron called and turned it off. Now we have to go get a new one. That'll be fun. I am doing my best not to show my annoyance, as I have lost plenty of things in my day. The important thing is it's turned off. No one can use it now.

After lunch, we came home for a bit. Ron is working on the Metrolift drama.. all kinds of drama, let me tell you.

We went to Starbucks so I could run over to Favorite Dollar. I got some candy I'm excited to hand out. A very reasonable cost, too.

The new underwear fit great, I'm glad I got them. Just really tired, which is good. I need to go to bed early.

I also need to fix a lunch for myself tomorrow and remember to bring it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Punked, punching bag, and underwear

I'm so glad I don't drive. One bus ride today is a classic example. Not once, but twice did cars almost run into the side of the bus... one had run a stop sign. Others kept cutting it off. And let's not forget the half-dozen drivers I saw - so into their handheld devices that they missed light changes, and only the ferocious honking of the other drivers alerted them. This was about a 15 minute ride and the light changes happened at a busy intersection while waiting on a transfer - maybe another 10 minutes. They're CRAZY out there, driving. [shudder] Glad I ride with PROFESSIONALS!

Ron punked me today. He got me good. When I have a delivery coming I always hang a bag of candy and a Bible on the door, with a note "UPS please take goodie bag, thank you for your hard work!" We went out today and he came home by himself while I had a little Day Out. When I came home the candy was gone. I looked around, no package. I went in the house, no package. I was furious. SOME JERK STOLE THE BIBLE AND CANDY! Oh, I was ticked. Ron said "Heather, bring me the braille Gospel of John off my bookcase." I was busy ranting and putting more candy out for my driver... and then I looked. Ron had put the package on his bookcase! OH! The DRIVER got the candy, LIKE I WANTED. "I felt the doorknob and it was empty, then I found the package on the porch."

I got up at 5 on my day off - did my weights. Grrrr. Not as strong as I was on the last workout, but it was a good challenging one.

I took a shower, did my God time, and was in the process of doing up Driver Candy when the ride came. I brought my little handcart with the hot pink milk crate and we headed off to Starbucks. Ron left me there.

I went to the gas station and bought a big bucket of cold drink, and 4 bottles of diet pop. Drank them all, too.

I had been thinking about adding a punching bag workout; debating. It would cost about $65 for the basic stuff, but I came up with the idea of hanging a laundry bag full of yarn, with a weight plate at the bottom, off my home gym. Most of my workout is me and my barbell. We have a good time. I have a rack on the front of the gym to store the barbells.

I was telling Ron I might like to get a punching bag and he said "Why not use a laundry bag, weight it with a plate in the bottom, and fill it up with soft stuff?" How interesting that we both independently came up with it!

So, I made up the bag. Looked good, hung OK off the gym... not happening long term though. Off to get some boxing gloves.

Me, my hand cart, and all my soda went to Walmart. Not impressed with their gloves, they didn't fit right and had a limited selection. I did get some new underwear. I was so excited.

See, I have never maintained long enough for my underwear to wear out. I always had to size up before they fell apart. I am starting to get some small holes and all - so I was happy. Besides, I can't REMEMBER the last time I got underwear. I walked out of Walmart with 17 pairs for about $12. Happy. Need to remember to WASH them.

I rolled off and went to Academy sports. They have tons of gloves. I tried on a few - I like that they don't give me THE TREATMENT when I have a bag or hand cart. I had one of their hand carts on top of mine, so it was obvious I was shopping. I found a really cute microfiber wicking tanktop, one I had wanted to buy, for $5 on clearance. IN my size! Into the basket.

I also chuckled as I found myself choosing the PINK boxing gloves. Something very funny about that. So girly, yet so brutal.

I was really eager to get home and play. I had the exciting bus ride I mentioned earlier. Handed out some candy. Accidentally knocked over a guy's bike with my handcart and he was very nice. I am an awful driver.

Got home and went straight into the garage. Hung up the bag and put on the gloves. I started beating it up. It took me a little while, but I developed a pattern and had a lot of fun. I was sweating so hard my flipflops got slippery. My left shoulder is angry; first the powerlifting, then 20 minutes of boxing.

Is it boxing if I am beating up a bag full of yarn, in a laundry bag, with a weight plate in it? [snort] Not sure. I had a BLAST.

Then, my stuff was home, my new fat burning supplement (no creepy stuff, just amino acids and some non-stimulant herbs). I took them before my "boxing" workout. I had some good energy, but no mania or jitters. Glad I got 240 of them for $8. I think they'll work well. I was able to take a nap when desired.

I also got my chocolate peanut butter whey protein powder. At 6 carbs per serving, perhaps a little "spendy" but a great bargain. I whipped it up in the blender with some ice and milk. It was very tasty. I plan to get some additional powders after I get paid.

Tomorrow promises to be a fun day, an early trip to Foodtown (I love having the store to myself), and then later on lunch "out" with Ron. I love spending time with him and he's really excited about the food.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I EXPECT trouble

Today went pretty well. We went into work. "Romeo" is doing is "injured lover/ignoring me" routine. It involves slamming his stockroom door in my face when he hears me in the hall. Ron wanted to go to the peacemaker thing - I said NO. I would much rather be obviously ignored than to have him chasing me around begging to "talk" again, calling me names, and probably making ADDITIONAL passes. I am never at work without Ron, so Ron can go and transact business with him. I'm NOT going near him. [shudder] So, things are OK.

I am also wearing a fanny pack. Said fanny pack has my pepper spray. Enough said. I don't think he's going to commit financial suicide by coming after me.

NOW I can tell you about the demonic attack. If you're a long time reader, you'll recall a few months ago I had a lot of irate vendors; the bank had sent checks with the wrong account number, the checks got returned "No Such Account". Really ugly there with one vendor. A lot of overdraft fees and bad tempered vendors (they had every right to be pissed), too.

Ron had called one company and told them - you need to tear up this check. DON'T CASH THE CHECK, come get another. The check was for an amount over $400 - felony level. Nothing! We kept making orders, paying for them, and I kept wondering...

This weekend we got a letter from a process server. Ron's name, felony, bad check, warrant... AGH! Ron must have made me read it 3 times. We started making phone calls.

Ron was kidding about getting arrested in his wheelchair. I mean, it could ONLY happen to us!

Now, it's all cleared up now. However, I was expecting something along those lines. Whenever I do a Big Bible Handout I always get some kind of attack. Heck, last year I got attacked by a stray cat (that took a while to heal), shot in the leg with a BB gun (fortunately bounced off), and then let's not forget the Horrible Hives of Biblical proportion, covering 45% of my body for 2 months. And coming up allergic to my antidepressant and developing months of ghastly depression as a result! Yeah, I expect trouble!

I was a little freaked out when I came home last Tuesday, because Ron was groaning in bed. Something about a can of dip and ENTIRE bag of pork rinds. Fortunately that's all it was, poor me, I double-checked my hospital bag! "Wake me up if you need to go to the hospital!" AGH.

Anyway, I slept great. Ron is NOT going to jail. Work went well; I found it interesting that the guy who wanted me to cheat with him said he didn't have enough money at hand to buy a small bucket of quarters. I believe him. God can't bless you if you're breaking His rules!

I am not saying it in a mean way, I am seriously praying for his marriage every day. I would love to see it restored. I know I pray for my own marriage and Ron has said, repeatedly, that things have never been better. I'm communicating so much better now, he says. I give credit where it's due, God. I just got smart enough to ask for the help He was completely willing to give!

Ron talked to his friend, the guy we visited on Friday. John has some mobility issues in addition to being legally blind. He utilized a cat toy I made (basically a reinforced loop on a string) to work as a remote door closer. Pretty cool. No wonder God put it in my head to make that shape!

People aren't buying many snack foods, but they are going after the cold drinks. In this heat, understandable. I was amazed we needed to stock 2 bags of HOT CHOCOLATE? Ugh. Even if I could do sugar, just the idea of hot cocoa is so revolting in this heat and humidity.

We also talked to our soda vendor. We will be expanding, they will loan us a soda machine to put in a location outside of "work". I think it will be great for everyone concerned. Ron is the boss - his name on the license and DBA. I'm happy being "Assistant Manager". Ron decided to only charge 50 cents a can. Wow... that's going to be popular.

In about 20 minutes, I'll go outside and go mow the yard. Hot heat.. but then I can enjoy having tomorrow off without some wild tangle of grass haunting me.

I have considered doing a BBH tomorrow, but don't feel God telling me to "go", so I guess it WILL be a day off, except for the typical Driver Candy.

Where can I get the free Bibles?

I get that question a lot. People want my source for the "free Bibles" so they can go hand them out, too.

I try not to laugh. 98% of the Bibles I hand out are the ones I purchased. Occasionally, Ron will feel inspired and buy me a case of Bibles. The perfect gift for me is always a case of Bibles. I have had family members just send me a case or two because they felt like it. Always appreciated. I also use the Pocket Testament League Gospels of John, I sign up and I can get up to 30 a month (assuming I get a sponsor). They are lovely books, probably the prettiest thing I hand out.

But, like I said, I'm BUYING them. [Where is my sausage? There it is... eating breakfast and typing] I don't mind. God is using me, this is what He wants me to do.

How can I say no to someone who asks for a Bible for his daughter? Or a young mother who wants a couple for the kids? How can I NOT stand out on the corner with my FREE BIBLES sign?

They're free to YOU, but I'm paying for them. I'm happy to do so.

I would never say this directly to a person who wanted to hand out Bibles; but I would ask them to spend some serious time in Bible Study and prayer. Are they prepared for demonic attacks? [wait 'till I tell you about what happened this weekend!] Are they prepared to fight in God's army? Are they prepared to stay home if that's what God wants them to do? 99% of this is obedience to God; and the remaining 1% is "I don't care what people think or say".

What I wouldn't say: You can't afford to spend $10 for God? Really? Let's look at your budget; how much is going to snack foods? I know I could spend a lot more money on God if I could kick the Diet Dr Pepper habit. What about the coffee shop? One of those breve extra whip things could buy at least a couple of Bibles. Maybe get black coffee instead? How about adjusting the thermostat and saving some money on the electric? Ron and I don't eat out much, and when we do it's a value meal date. I'm fine with that. I know what we do is important.

Good programs exist. Good programs exist for people who don't know what they'll be eating tomorrow, and want to hand out material. World Missionary Press comes to mind. Also Biblica. I can't afford their Bibles but they do a decent job of handing them out. The Gideons, other programs like that... but they have their OWN distributors.

God needs me working as a freelance Gospel Distributor. I am not dependent on any agency (just the inventory at the bookstores) for my material. I can go where I need to and hand out what's needed, as needed. That's what God wants for me.

But don't kid yourself. Every Bible I hand out I paid for.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Life is to short to walk around in pants that don't fit

Yup. It is. I got up, did my workout this morning on the exercise bike. Good workout. I learned that the bike will alert me if my heart rate gets too high; a nice touch.

Ron and I went to Starbucks and he left me there. I had my bus pass, and went off to the gas station for some soda and then Academy.

Oooh. I am NEVER going to Academy on a weekend, ever. It was crazy. I found another pair of workout shorts - I love those things, and also some cute junior fit capris. Not a bad deal.

I debated getting the capris and realized out of the 3 current pairs of shorts I have (denim style) one is too baggy and the other two are too tight. I deserved something that fit!

So I got them.

Consolation

Ron needs to realize, not everyone is consoled by his "Don't worry, the end of the world is coming soon" speech.  Agh.