Showing posts from August, 2010

Good comments

I loved the comments - I'm pretty exhausted right now but I wanted to say that.

I slept OK but today is just a major fatigue day. I put my head in Ron's lap and slept on the way home. Still tired enough that I plan to go to bed in about an hour.

I have a 2 AM wakeup. Even at it's worst, the side effects are so much better than being mentally ill. UGH.

Exhausted, I can live with that. Ron was thrilled I literally leaned on him, and gently patted my back as I dropped off. Happily, I didn't snore or drool. [grin]

Oh, and I handed out tons of stuff today. I bought more of the ever-popular Now & Later mini bars (they get 6 individually wrapped pieces, wrapped in plastic), 120 of them to a jar. I got 2 jars. I hand out maybe 10 items a day, often more. People will say "Oooh! Now and LATERS!" and dive right into the bag, that's the kind of candyI want to be distributing. I found some awesome smarties too, they have Bible verses on the wrapper. …

Not letting depression kick my butt

Running a little depressed today. I just got paid, a day off, pretty nice weather considering (we had a breeze today), and no motivation. UGH.

I downloaded some Disciple and Theocracy last night. Good, good, stuff. I love the intense metal jams praising Jesus. I see that look! Don't worry, I won't make you listen. You can Youtube it if you're curious.

So, I fried my brain with Theocracy, Whitecross, and Disciple all day. I dragged my butt off the couch. I checked the mail and saw a terrifying envelope from THEM. I did not open them, if I had it was nothing to worry about!

I said "I'll just do my deposit and see how that goes". I did the deposit, and the "Deposit you can eat!" was a big hit with the tellers (candy + scripture booklet).

I went to my favorite gas station and got a bucket of iced tea, some pringles (!), and 4 bottles of diet pop. Ron gave me some extra bonus money. I waited a while on my bus and mentally kicked myself for l…

So, what do I want to do with my life?

I have an anxious housecat stalking around the house. The neighbor's dog got out and is waiting on the porch for her buddy, Ron. Ron loves dogs and has had some happy sessions with her. She likes to sit in his lap while he pets her, on the porch, licking his face. I let him know, but he groaned and rolled over in bed.

If our neighbor has to have a dog, a medium-sized lump of sugar is a good one. She is very gentle and sweet, it's easy to see why they got her. I used to live in some awful areas that had vicious loose animals. I used to go jogging up and down our block, in the middle of the day, with a 2-foot stun gun baton.

I talk a lot about my life; where I've been, where I am. I thought it might be interesting to talk about where I hope to go.

Some things I hope to do with my life:
1. Continue to grow in my faith walk. Be an example to others.
2. Support and encourage other people with bipolar disorder, and be a good "big sister". Help and encourage…

Don't talk to me about God

AGH. That's what I was told tonight by Ron.

We have a very scary paperwork issue. A couple of them, actually. We tackled one for the second time tonight. Ron decided he wanted to include a personal letter. He gave it to me.

I liked it pretty well, but wanted to tune it up a tad. Ron said "Whatever" - he was in his "I can't take anymore right now" mode that generally results in alcohol consumption. AGH. Since I had permission, I added a few explanatory lines. Ron took the flash drive from me and read it. He loved it.

"Oh, it's so expressive"! Well, good. Glad he liked it. I can't stand arrogance, because I AM prone to pride issues. I really watch that like you'd watch a flower garden for a noxious weed. If I see even a hint of pride, I want to get it out by the roots.

I said "Well, I had help." Ron got a sour face. "I asked God for help before I started on it. Just like I did this morning with the pallet…

Some of you may think I had this coming


I wasn't angry about her weight.. but her tripping Ron

I mentioned this in my comments section but bears repeating: the below post, I was mildly annoyed at her until she tripped my husband deliberately. The way she tripped him, he could have fallen 6 feet and landed on his head. I was very angry at her as a result. It took me a while to figure out I don't give a @#$! what she eats, or how much she weighs, but she ACTS in a way that endangers my husband, deliberately, and found it "funny". That, to me, was the ugliest and most objectionable thing about her.

Ron would probably say, she felt very threatened by you. You are young, not-bad-looking, overweight only, intelligent, and obviously happily married. You have a bubbly, vibrant, personality and most people who meet you, like you. You know your purpose in life and that shows. There she is, all alone, living in a senior complex, with a horrible reputation as "The one who breaks things" and "The ugly attitude" (triple confirmed by 3 separate driver…

No way am I giving her a bag of candy

Thursdays is Milk day. We got up early, did all our usual routine, and headed out the door.

At first, I wasn't very impressed with the driver, but she grew on me. We were in the big van - see photo.

It has seating for about a dozen, plus a couple of wheelchairs. It has a hydraulic lift (look for the yellow), on the side. It lowers to the ground, the client rolls their wheelchair onto the lift, and then the lift raises up. When it gets to the top position, the back flap drops down to the client can roll onto the vehicle. We observe this in action daily. Today, we saw something we'd never seen before. A lady was already onboard the van, she uses an electric wheelchair. We dropped her off at work, she was unloaded, and then off we went. We had to drive 5 miles away from work, towards the next client. Ha! I knew all those straight trips would come with a price tag. We pulled up, and a very, morbidly, obese client was waiting in her electric scooter. I have ranted quite a bit about…

Don't claim Jesus and act like a butthead!

UGH. I can't imagine anything worse than the above statement. So much in the Bible about pride, humility, and obedience, just type any one of those words into and get a real eyeful.

Speaking of obedience, I think that is one of the things that makes me usable to God. One of my favorite verses, in fact is, "Obedience is better than sacrifice". (Matthew 9:13, and Mark 12:33). My very favorite christian living book, in fact, has whole chapters on obeying God. (Living Water by Brother Yun)

I am very worried about falling into the pride and ego trap, bragging about how God uses me, and then rendering myself unfit for service. However, God really laid it on me to tell you ALL about today.

Today I slept in and had a good time doing so. I worked out (punching bag + weights), and then told Ron I'd like to donate blood tomorrow. He's qualified to donate and they are hungry for platelet donors, so why not?

Normally, I leave the house pretty early…

It's not my job to make him happy

As I walk down my road of life, it's a journey only I can take. I have come to some important conclusions. Today, for instance. Ron was very impatient, ungrateful, negative, and irritable. I found it pretty sad because at work, he had made a point of saying he values me and my contributions.

When he's ugly and impatient, I have some choices to make. Did I respond in kind? Did I choose to take it personally, and polish up my martyr halo? Did I accept "responsibility" for Ron's mood at all? Did I confront him? Did I play "Why me?"

The answer to all of them is NO. A time, not long ago, when you would have gotten every word and inflection. But I've come to realize, what Ron does is what RON does. All that matters is how I'm acting! Am I being a hater, or loving? Positive, or negative? Kind or unkind?

He does plenty of things I don't like, but that's on him. My job is regulating how I react. That's it. How am I reacting…

Biggest Bible Handout

Wow, I had a very busy weekend.

I had considered possibly doing a big Bible handout; thought it might be a good idea. Sales Tax weekend, everything is essentially 10% off. A lot of stores do more business than Black Friday.

I got a coupon for 20% off at the Christian bookstore. I went and picked up about 35 Bibles. As I paid, they gave me a huge sack of beautiful Bibles. Awesome, and confirmation to do it.

I went on about my business, forget what I did now - OH! I met Ron at a fried chicken place, and he gave me a ride home. I got him some little items I picked up at the Dollar Store.

The next morning was supposed to be weight day, but I had a strong feeling I should wait. Wait on the weights that is. [groan] So I got up, took my shower, added yet MORE Bibles to the stash in my cart, and rolled off down to the corner. The median strip, actually.

It was wild. I handed out over 100 Bibles, Testaments, and Scripture booklets. People were shouting for Bibles. I kept saying "No, ma'am …
Toxic from the lithium today.

Ugh. I was OK with the zombie effects. I was OK with extreme fatigue. I made some iced tea and now it's extreme nausea. UGH.

Still plan to have fun tomorrow, it is the highest shopping holiday in the land: NO SALES TAX WEEKEND. (on clothes, shoes, and school supplies).

Heavy metal

This morning I got up at 5 AM to do my weight workout. Still running a little depressed and brooding about last night.

I got my MP3 player and hit it. I started with the squats, moved into bench presses, then every kind of deadlift in the world. I felt like an animal slapping plates on the barbell. After the deadlifts I had to take them off so I could actually use the barbell for my other things! I had a great, hour long workout.

I was listening to Disciple, doing all these hardcore weight movements... wearing my pink sport bra and baggy warmup shorts. When I finished, I peeled everything off and threw it in the washer (whew!), drank my protein shake in the kitchen, and took a shower. After that, I got dressed in "normal" clothes and did my God Time.

Something funny about heavy metal and powerlifting/pink sport bra/heavy metal/evangelist/caregiver/stocking job/doing my God Time. But that's who I am. God created me for t…

That was unpleasant

Well, that was unpleasant.

I realized my last post was unkind. Yes, I find it offensive when ignorant women objectify themselves and try to manipulate those around them; that doesn't mean I have to be hatey about it. God will deal with them, and they must have obvious self-esteem issues.

Huh. They probably feel very threatened when they see me READING at the bus stop. I never considered that.

So, I apologized to God, and I am choosing to leave the comments up to show that I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, but when I see that I have, I repent and do my best to make it right.

I was telling Ron, I resent it when women objectify themselves. Anyway, that led to him asking me "What did you say to that guy that made him think he could make a move?" I told him the same thing I told him before; that I felt unappreciated and undervalued.

"That's not true" Ron barked. "Well, were you TELLING ME?"

[baffled shrug] I don't see any way to tell R…

I go pretty far

Ron loves that song; he considers it "mine". He really likes the line: "I don't go too fast, but I go pretty far". It makes him mushy and very, very appealing. He asked me to put up a link; done. The depression was a lot better today, if anything I was almost manic. I had some lower back and quadriceps pain, so I put off weight day until tomorrow. I would rather wait a day, then hurt myself. I did my God Time and prayed over the candy. It sounds odd to say that; "I prayed over the candy", but I do. I ask God to show me what He wants me carrying; Bibles, New Testaments, only Scripture Booklets... how many sugarfree, Spanish, and English. I generally get "an idea". Today, it was a dozen bags of candy with Scripture booklets. Busy! I also ask God to help me pick the most appealing and desirable candies for each recipient [grin]. I rarely get feedback; "Oh, ALL MY FAVORITES!" Good. That's what I'm requesting! R…
Got yelled at by muslim - didnt like the candy. o-k!

He could have gotten wet!

I'm battling a pretty nasty depression. Waking up depressed, skipping workouts, not blogging. It's just very hard to get my mind into a happy place.

Even the cat has noticed. He brought me a lovely grasshopper for breakfast, and just now bolted into the house. Rain's imminent; and he always gets agitated. It's about to rain! He MIGHT have gotten wet! Horrors! Fortunately he was in the garage, now in the house, lying near my feet. He always wants lots of petting and attention when it's about to rain. I suspect it has to do with his first year; spent exclusively outside.

I'm doing what I can to manage: trying to be positive. I told Ron, he has been trying to "cheer me up". I took a double dose of Wellbutrin (approved by doc), and if I didn't have a family history of seizures I probably would have taken a third.

I did manage to get to work and work productively. I had to do some cleanup; absolutely filthy, unglamorous work. I got two de…


Boy, I have really felt crummy and run down the last week or so.

Allergies, headaches... ugh. A little depression too. I figure it is just demonic attacks, cat dander, and bad air quality. Going to be doing some chores today, so I can enjoy tomorrow.

Ron accidentally broke my plastic blender. Glad it is plastic. That would have been a mess.


I've been busy!

Videos! Videos!

Two of me, two of Ron. Ron does tell a PG-13 joke but mine are suitable "For all viewing audiences". LOL

Here is a link to my page on Youtube.

Off vodka

Well, Ron says he's off vodka for a bit. [shrug] I'm just glad I was able to get to work.

My allergies have been RAGING. The air quality must be terrible. I'm in a good mood overall; but really tired and groggy from the benadryl.

New Ron videos up (before all that).

Hatey McHater

Ron got pretty rowdy last night. He has been having ongoing neuropathy issues, and took an extra neurontin.

Later on, he had a beer. [clutching head in hands]

Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to hear Ron shouting and rolling the wheelchair all over the house. You think I kid. I'm not. I will say he parked it properly after his jaunt but he kept me up most of the night.

Come pickup time he wasn't riding! So, I got out my phone. Good old Yellow Cab. Good old Diet Mountain Dew to get me going.

Good old "Heather" credit card on Ron's account (for times like this). Good old Greg who picked me up.

I decided I could be a hater. I could get really angry about how my husband FAILED me. I could tell everyone what happened.

Or, I could just say the truth, Ron didn't feel well. I got up so I could go to work, so I could just WORK without being the Hatey McHater. I could ask God to help me take my thoughts captive, ask Him to give me graciou…

Only Jesus is perfect

Feeling better. Running a little depressed obviously.

I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW that Ron is TRYING. Hey, only Jesus is perfect. Ron did have a whack on the head that kept him in a coma for 3 weeks. He was pretty gloomy before that, too.

Anyway, I took a nap, did a great cardio workout: 20 minutes high intensity on the bike, then 10 minutes out in the garage beating the daylights out of my punching bag. I turned on the radio just as "We're not going to take it" started up. THAT was so appropriate!

Time to eat, pills, God time, and bed.

That's Sad

Sometimes, it would be really easy to make Ron look like a complete creep and me, the long-suffering victim. The last couple days he has been EXTREMELY cranky.

Some examples: Telling me he was calling the "chat line" again and then wanting to discuss all the sexual preferences and probable disease status on all the chatters. Then getting angry when I told him, yet AGAIN, that I don't want to hear he is calling the line and I certainly don't want to hear about the "members". I don't want him to call it, and I don't want to know that Ron is calling it. "I get bored" he whines. Read a book! Don't call the sl#tline and then expect me to applaud you and gossip about the members with you. I don't want to hear the ad for the couple that wanted a foursome. GACK. He got really angry when I told him, simply, "I'd rather not know you're calling it, and I never want to hear about the people on it." What, in that sta…

It's a good pain

OOooh. I have a stiff shoulder today - the punching bag workout really got me. It's a good pain, ha ha.

We got up very early and went to Foodtown while it was NICE and quiet. I found it devious that Metrolift put us on a training route, so the nice young man will have us as his benchmark "client". [snort] Candy was a big hit.

Came home, put up the goodies. Took a brief nap, didn't sleep as well as I would have liked last night.

Got up, made up some driver candy, and went with Ron to the Mongolian stir fry place. Oh, it was good. We got there at lunch and I think our meats and vegetables were confused. Ron found squid in his food, and I found bamboo shoots in mine. It was still good.

Today Ron told me that he lost his Metrolift ID card. AGH. It also serves as a bus pass. Ron called and turned it off. Now we have to go get a new one. That'll be fun. I am doing my best not to show my annoyance, as I have lost plenty of things in my day. The importan…

Punked, punching bag, and underwear

I'm so glad I don't drive. One bus ride today is a classic example. Not once, but twice did cars almost run into the side of the bus... one had run a stop sign. Others kept cutting it off. And let's not forget the half-dozen drivers I saw - so into their handheld devices that they missed light changes, and only the ferocious honking of the other drivers alerted them. This was about a 15 minute ride and the light changes happened at a busy intersection while waiting on a transfer - maybe another 10 minutes. They're CRAZY out there, driving. [shudder] Glad I ride with PROFESSIONALS!

Ron punked me today. He got me good. When I have a delivery coming I always hang a bag of candy and a Bible on the door, with a note "UPS please take goodie bag, thank you for your hard work!" We went out today and he came home by himself while I had a little Day Out. When I came home the candy was gone. I looked around, no package. I went in the house, no package. I …

I EXPECT trouble

Today went pretty well. We went into work. "Romeo" is doing is "injured lover/ignoring me" routine. It involves slamming his stockroom door in my face when he hears me in the hall. Ron wanted to go to the peacemaker thing - I said NO. I would much rather be obviously ignored than to have him chasing me around begging to "talk" again, calling me names, and probably making ADDITIONAL passes. I am never at work without Ron, so Ron can go and transact business with him. I'm NOT going near him. [shudder] So, things are OK.

I am also wearing a fanny pack. Said fanny pack has my pepper spray. Enough said. I don't think he's going to commit financial suicide by coming after me.

NOW I can tell you about the demonic attack. If you're a long time reader, you'll recall a few months ago I had a lot of irate vendors; the bank had sent checks with the wrong account number, the checks got returned "No Such Account". Really ugly…

Where can I get the free Bibles?

I get that question a lot. People want my source for the "free Bibles" so they can go hand them out, too.

I try not to laugh. 98% of the Bibles I hand out are the ones I purchased. Occasionally, Ron will feel inspired and buy me a case of Bibles. The perfect gift for me is always a case of Bibles. I have had family members just send me a case or two because they felt like it. Always appreciated. I also use the Pocket Testament League Gospels of John, I sign up and I can get up to 30 a month (assuming I get a sponsor). They are lovely books, probably the prettiest thing I hand out.

But, like I said, I'm BUYING them. [Where is my sausage? There it is... eating breakfast and typing] I don't mind. God is using me, this is what He wants me to do.

How can I say no to someone who asks for a Bible for his daughter? Or a young mother who wants a couple for the kids? How can I NOT stand out on the corner with my FREE BIBLES sign?

They're free to YOU, but I…

Life is to short to walk around in pants that don't fit

Yup. It is. I got up, did my workout this morning on the exercise bike. Good workout. I learned that the bike will alert me if my heart rate gets too high; a nice touch.

Ron and I went to Starbucks and he left me there. I had my bus pass, and went off to the gas station for some soda and then Academy.

Oooh. I am NEVER going to Academy on a weekend, ever. It was crazy. I found another pair of workout shorts - I love those things, and also some cute junior fit capris. Not a bad deal.

I debated getting the capris and realized out of the 3 current pairs of shorts I have (denim style) one is too baggy and the other two are too tight. I deserved something that fit!

So I got them.