Showing posts from August, 2011

A lot about female issues

I didn't get enough sleep this morning, passed on my God Time, and woke up at 3. 

I got a field report from "my" missionary.  Sounds like things are going well "over there". 

Went to work, stocked, and I did a little fall decorating (gourds, changing leaves).  Ron and I went to Walmart.  Well, it took 2 hours total to get to Walmart, from work.  Aagh. 

Ron wanted a new fan, and got it.  He's happy.  I got some soda, I'm happy.  I also got some girl stuff for later. 

Ron asked me if I was curious about the "new" medication that "enables" me to only have 4 cycles a year.  I said, no thanks! 

1.  Birth Control pills, the old ones, were strongly linked to female cancers. 
2.  I don't need to worry about my fertility - Ron is fixed.   He's my only "playmate". 
3.  I don't like "new" drugs; they always seem to develop "serious side effects" and I have enough problems. 
4.  I met a woman, ab…

Absolutely mental

I thought about doing a video blog, but I'm too lazy. 

It was my Day Out, I slept in until 8.  Decided, it was dumb to take a shower, go out in the heat, exert myself, come home, shower again?  Or just take a "birdbath" and a proper bath later.  I've been in the mood for a nice bath, which is absolutely MENTAL considering the heat. 

Anyway, I did that.  I did my God Time; saved the prayer portion of the program for early evening.  I think I'm pretty clear then.  I like what I'm doing with the Bible study. 

So, I got dressed and left the house.  I didn't have any major goals, just a trip to the Dollar store.  Houston, in September, is ripe for hurricanes.  God knows we need the rain.  It seemed prudent to take a little time out of my day to pick up some batteries.  Nothing, to my knowledge, is coming.  But I did think "I wish I had more batteries".  Ron's fan broke, so he is using a battery operated one I gave him years ago.  He loves it, …

Not another Rapture blog!

I'm laughing to myself, because I believe after the Rapture, bots will sweep the net, deleting all posts like this one.  They'll be set for keywords like "rapture" and "left behind". 

Anyway, I have to do this for me.  Scoff if you want.  Hotlink it to some hater atheist message board.  I don't care; I still have to write it. 

I'm going to skip over actual definitions.  Here is a link to the rapture.  A lot of good material on the Rapture Ready site. 

Here's a really good link for people who got "left behind".  Oops, I guess I wasn't Rapture Ready

So, we've addressed the immediate spiritual needs.  What about the practical ones? 

First, buy a gun.  I don't own a gun, but you will need to, in order to survive.  I suggest at least one handgun, and one shotgun.  You can carry the handgun, and the shotgun will work for home defense.  I expect you will see a lot of violent home invasions. 

Second, you need to become a survi…

Grim thoughts and my "art".

I finished my painting.  "Though He slay me, I will trust in Him". 

I like it.  In my limited experience, most paintings depicting people in hard times, the person looks pretty desperate.  My little figure is calmly praying, at peace regardless of the outcome. 

The important thing, to me, was getting the image out of my head and onto a canvas.  I did that.  I'm happy. 

I needed some happiness.  Things are OK with Ron, no major dramas.  Just lousy sales, a lot of expenses, and a rude clerk at the store today re: my backpack.  Really?  I fit the profile of a shoplifter?  AGH. 

I will probably validate everything you thought about the mentally ill when I say I've spent some time recently just crying over the state of the world.  Things are so screwed up. 

I know many readers, maybe even most, don't believe as I do.  I accept that.  It greieves me because I worry about your soul, what will happen when you die.  I really worry about the Rapture.  If you think thi…

Happy Meal

Ugh.  So.  Groggy. 

As soon as I could eat, I ate and took my lithium.  I figure, the antidepressant could wait, because I ALWAYS get a headache after taking it.  However, I would rather have a daily headache, than a crippling depression. 

However, today at least, I don't want another migraine.  Yesterday's migraine didn't start off too badly, but it progressed.  Towards the end, when I had stuck the phenergan up the unmentionable; my head actually felt OK.  For some reason phenergan works on my migraines.  Last night, not so much on the vomiting. 

 I couldn't stop vomiting.  Once I got down to vomiting straight bile, I seemed to be OK.  What a horrible taste.  [shudder]  I have a whole technique: sit on the edge of the bed, 5 gallon bucket between my legs.  Hunch over bucket.  Rest right arm across the top of bucket to provide head rest.  My poor bucket needs a good cleaning today. 

Today, Ron wanted to run several errands.  We went to Walmart and got his watch fi…

"Chew on"

Boy, do I feel like crap.  Yesterday I woke up with a migraine, and it's yet to depart. 

Ron was annoyed we couldn't go run errands.  I was too busy vomiting in my bucket to argue.  I did find it very amusing when he said "When you feel better go take the bus (3 buses, minimum 3 hours waiting in the hot sun) and go fix my watch at Walmart, OK?"  I told him that would not be happening, and I believe I vomited again.   

I don't know what it is, with him and talking watches.  He buys them.  The batteries die.  He tries to replace them.  He goes to mall jewelers in "Cracktown" - who refuse to change out batteries.  He tries to get me to do it.  Then he buys another one, and breaks it.  It's an endless saga with Ron. 

I suggested he go to Walmart by himself, but he rejected it out of hand.  I don't see why not.  The greeter would call for a helper, who could take Ron and do the shopping.  I'm not exclusive; it's not like I am the only one …

The strange face I don't know

Ugh.  Today was loooong. 

I woke up at 1AM, could NOT go back to sleep.  My feet kept hurting, too.  I need to do some research on that. 

Anyway, time to reduce the antidepressant, as directed, so I can sleep at night.  I can't take 2 tablets for very long. 

Woke up, I was so tired I slept through Ron's bath.  I took my shower and kept wondering why the tub was damp, until Ron told me he'd already done his bath. 

It is easier for Ron to take a bath, than to take a shower.  The shower is painful for him, the bath, less so.  If I could get an awesome bathroom fixup I would put in a few grab bars for Ron. 

We went to the warehouse, and to work.  Sales are grim. 

We left work, and Chuck met us.  He dropped me at DPS to renew my ID card.  I had a good book, about 400 pages long.  I read about 250 while I waited. 

No eating or drinking, which meant no Dr Pepper.  Horrible. 

I'm not sure which was worse, being asked my REAL weight, or being told to remove my glasses f…

Video Blog


It won't be long now

Non included in the video blog:

Last night I had a nightmare.  I was stuck in a concentration camp (life).  I was being tortured.  I was begging God to save me. 

Then, Ron calls me.  Tells me an earthquake hit DC. 

I felt like God was telling me, He knows I'm huring, hang in there, it won't be long now. 

Now's a good time to ask if you have a kit.  If you don't, you should.  Disaster will come regardless, and I am sick of people "joking"ly telling me they're just coming to my house. 

Disaster Kit list

We'll take it.

My foundation (well, the foundation of my home) is settling.  I need to water it on a regular basis.  It's OK, for NOW, but I need to keep it that way. 

On the one hand it makes perfect sense, for a woman who once considered a major in horticulture.  Of course I need to water my house to keep it healthy and strong. 

On the other, I just have to gape and scratch my head, at all the various things homes need.  Ron's feeling pretty destitute; the broken pipe repair took a week out of his monthly budget. 

Now, I'm taking a moment here to thank God that's all it cost.  I have heard HORRIFIC stories. 

I don't feel as targeted, either, as I hear countless stories of broken underground pipes, everywhere, not just my home. 

The repair left a hole, partially filled.  I have a trash can full of soil in the garage, I dug it up for my garden in 2005, put it in the can, and then realized the trash guys would NEVER take a can of "dirt".  So, in typical manic fashio…

Better than that

I should start off by saying I'm in my happier, medicated place right now. 

It's true, you know. 

"As a mood stabilizer, lithium is probably more effective in preventing mania than depression, and may reduce the risk of suicide in certain bipolar patients"  (source, Wikipedia)

For me, absolutely.  The last time I had a depression this bad, I made some very dark plans.  I feel like all I did today was fight depression; and it was an ugly battle. 

Sure I did some laundry, trying to organize, cleaned all Ron's fingermarks off the walls (he uses the walls to hold himself up as he walks), and had some cuddle time with the cats.  Mainly, though I grapped with a lot of anxiety and despair. 

I am worn out, and it's not all my medication.  [shudder]  I hope tomorrow is better than that!

Acting like a resident

I've come to the conclusion: I don't really "own" my house.  Mentally, I'm always expecting the worst case, planning for disaster.  I've always planned mentally for having to move out, losing the house, something breaking on the house and repairing it, but never really relaxed into it and said "This is my house". 

As a result, I feel more like a renter than an owner.  One facing eviction on a daily basis. 

These days, I just have an incredible sense of pressure.  Financial concerns are major; we can barely afford to live in the house.  Marital pressures: Ron is stressed out due to finances, on top of what I believe are existing depression and alcohol problems.  Finally got it, mostly, through his head: no verbal abuse. 

I agree with those of you who say Ron doesn't want me getting another job because he fears me leaving him.  I think that's a factor.  He also told me the worst time of his life, was watching me go off to work every day whi…

Another glass of wine

Ron woke up.  Wanted to know how I was doing.  "Depressed".  He asked what he could do, I said a hug, maybe.  So, he gave me a hug. 

Then he went into trip-planner mode.  What did we need to do? 

I told him I thought it would be easier if I made my own trip to DPS (I have an expired ID card).  He said, no, he'd work it in... letting me know non verbally it was just a HUGE burden on him.  I said, forget it, I'll do it myself. 

Then he started interrogating me why I HAD to do it in person.  Well, excuse me.  My thing expired, and they used to renew it online for 2 years.  Now they only renew it online for a year.  I didn't even get a chance to finish before he is nagging me and telling me I HAVE to tell him the expiration date on the new card. 

I said, I doubted we'd be here anyway (with current events).  I still HAD to tell him, he demanded. 

I said FORGET IT, I am getting it myself.  He took offense at my "attitude". 

I told him, look, I asked…

Hopeless Despair

During my last mania, I thought to myself "My depressions aren't so bad".  Boy.   Was I wrong. 

A pretty horrible depression, ongoing.  Turns out the kitten kept waking me up.  What is it with creatures waking me up all night? 

I put him outside, Bubba-cat had been objecting to his presence, also.  Bubba got in my lap once, in January, when I was depressed.  The little guy would be happy to live in my lap.  They need to sort all that out before Junior moves in.  In the meantime, I am feeding him and watering him.  He seems very happy.  I snuck out earlier and got a cuddle, but was caught in the act by Bubba, who protested. 

Worst case, we will re-home him.  He is such a charmer I don't see a problem getting him a "Forever Home". 

After our pipe broke last week, I was obsessing about it and why us, would it happen again?  God let me know, many different ways, "Heather, this happens during a severe drought and heatwave".  Just today, I saw a bro…

We're calling him Lucky.

Today got off to an odd start.  Bubba brought us another cat. 

You may recall, 7 years ago, he brought Frosty to come live with us.  Frosty was a great fit, and had a wonderful life until his "graduation" in 2009. 

When I got home from the vet with my empty cat carrier, I promised Bubby I WOULD NOT get another cat.  "If you want another cat, YOU bring it."  I told him.  "Otherwise I'll assume you want to be an only cat." 

Perhaps it was my embraces yesterday, so delighted to see him.  Bubba isn't a cuddler.  Perhaps, the fact that I was away for a while enabled Bubba to find a new friend... but this morning Bubba presented us with a miniature version of himself, a shorthaired, solid black, male, cat with green eyes. 

Bubba tolerates him, the little guy is incredibly affectionate, well mannered, all in all a great little cat.  I've always thought it would be cool to have two black cats, and they are identical (except for size).  So, for now…

Yes I went back home

Blogger just told me my blog is popular, would I like to make some money?  I said no thanks.  I figure you, reader, have enough spam in your life without finding it here.  Speaking of canned meat, I do have a "funny" later. 

Sorry to leave you hanging, but I figured it would be stupid and redundant to take a break from Ron, only to post about him. 

So, I went to my aunt's.  I stayed with them (I have an uncle, too) after the last time .  She was happy to have me.

My aunt is a great hostess.  She came and got me after work, and we went to her house.  We had lunch and I took a nap.  When I got up, I felt a lot more human, less of an anxiety-ridden hag.  She has a very welcoming home. 

I told them I had to be back to my life on Thursday morning.  That seemed fine with them, and Ron. 

Ron talked to my uncle, and swore he is not drinking ANY hard stuff. 

I am very annoyed.  Ron had repeatedly sworn he was "only" drinking wine; on many occasions, and now tells m…

Respite Rescue

Another bad night, no mess thank God but a lot of racket.  I was happy to get up, and "Did I let you sleep, no you didn't" segued nicely into "So I am going to stay with my aunt for a couple of days."  He immediately understood, and made a dramatic production of pouring out the vodka. 

Everything, is the fault of the vodka.  O-kay. 

We went to work.  Sales are terrible, and I did all the stocking.  I certainly FEEL fine leaving the machines for a few days. 

After work, Ron went home on Metrolift while I went home with my aunt.  We got a quick meal and I had a fanstastic nap.  I didn't get a good God Time this morning. 

By the way, it was very funny choosing my favorite "children" (devotional and Bible study books) to come along.  I have a whole sack. 

So, I got up, me and the incense went out and had a good time on the patio.  I have a lot of peace. 

If nothing else, I can catch up on some much needed sleep.  Ron will have some quiet time to…

Time to pack

Anxiety is pretty bad today.  Sleep deprivation plus excedrin.  I'm worrying about everything in the world. 

I will not be taking exedrin when I am sleep deprived.  I just pray to God I get some kind of sleep tonight. 

Time to pack my bag.

Not a happy place

Well, it's getting worse.  Ron's drinking.  Still waking me up, every couple of hours, every night.  I was thinking last night, that would be fine if he were a newborn infant, but he's not. 

Still very defensive and angry about the drinking.  As he sat in the midst of yet another "haz-mat" style mess, he belligerently informed me "The vodka is the only thing that helps with the emotional pain".  I will give him credit for "trying" to clean it up. 

To him, harming me is irrelevant.  I just have to endure this so he can feel "better". 

You can imagine my thoughts, lying in bed.  Dark, bitter, angry thoughts.  Resentment.  I am not looking forward to giving up a pretty good life (once you subtract the drinking and verbal abuse), and leaping off into the great unknown.  Job hunting in a DREADFUL economy, trying to find some kind of stable work and a decent, all-bills paid, apartment. 

So, I sent my family a letter, and my aunt a text…

The letter

Well, a rather distressing night and morning.  More blackouts, more excuses from Ron. 

My favorite was asking me to fix him breakfast.  I did.  Later on he yelled at me for "forcing food on me and waking me up".  WHAT?   "You shouldn't wake me up, I need my sleep". 

I was not pleased.  I used the word "Hypocrite".  I was very angry that he wanted something he refused to give me (a night of sleep).  I threatened, and I may do it, to wake him up repeatedly, when HE is trying to sleep, if he has kept me up all night. 

I finally decided to write him a letter.  He was very upset I wouldn't "help" him with the drinking, and I kept telling him "I can't do that, only you can help yourself, by choosing not to drink".  That was not well recieved. 

I did some research on intervention letters and followed the basic formula.   I think. 

Anyway, letter: 
Dear Ron,

I love you very much. I have always been attracted to your intellige…

Has a problem

This is going to sound terrible: I wish Ron would hit bottom already and stop drinking.  Or, at the very least, ACCEPT he HAS A PROBLEM. 

Yesterday was OK.  We got up, went to the warehouse, got supplies for work, stocked them, did the pull, I got paid, went home.  I even got a nap, which came in handy later. 

I also started my cycle.  Whoo.  Killer Kramps.  I told Ron, it is funny, I am so consistent now.  From my recollection, before my diagnosis my cycle wavered a lot.  Now, it is very regular and consistent.  Interesting. 

Ron is worried about some financial things, but insists he does not want me getting another job.  I think it is the old-fashioned "I want to be the provider" thinking. 

I went to bed pretty early, but Ron kept waking me up.  Another blackout.  He likes to eat a lot when he is having a blackout.  He fixed himself 3 cup of noodles, and a TV dinner last night.  The smell of the food woke me up, (and the racket), and I actually got up and took some tyl…

Video Blog

I also wanted to add, if you see anything desirable in my life, it's a direct product of my faith.

Some humor...

Bubba "helps" with the plumbing. 

Ice Cold Water

I'm upset to the point of tears, and for once Ron isn't involved. 

I slept in until about 7.  Decided to have a nice little Day Out.  Did a pretty good job of it, for a while. 

Depression is barking at the door again.  I need to be vigilant. 

So, I went to the grocery store.  Got a cold canned soda, plus another.  Gave one to a lady at the bus stop.  :)  I want to treat everyone like they're Jesus.  Happy I did. 

Went to the Christian bookstore, asked for more prayer, and gave them an update. 

As I was leaving, I had a lot of trouble with the headphones on my MP3 player.  I carry a very basic, $20, model.  Overall it is good, and not anything a thug would want.  It works for my purposes, and I like the pretty red color. 

I carry it in a "hang around the neck" case.  I also carry my cell phone in a holder I made (works, too), my keys, I have a lot of junk around my neck.  I didn't have any volume on my headphones, AND everything was tangled again. 

I found…

Run Away

The laws of common decently state I can't tell you what Ron did to the bathroom last night and this morning; although I did share it on a secret Facebook group.  [twitch]  Three times, he did this. 

Apparently, I have to look before I sit down, or win myself a shower with the antibacterial soap.  This is the kind of awful-life post that will probably get a few hits. 

"I thought I had it bad."  Oh, it's very frustrating. 

I just want to go to bed and sleep, you know?  I don't want to have to listen to all the drama of a drunken cripple falling, getting up, fixing himself snacks, and making those horrible grunting noises that mean "Get ready for a big surprise!"  I just want to go in the bathroom without looking and sit down. 

I want to go to work with a man who is sober, wearing clean clothes, and smelling of soap instead of alcohol.  One who doesn't curse me when I suggest he take a bath and put on some clean pants, and let me put a bandaid on y…

Video Blog, a day out


The Altar

It could have been a very bad start to my day.  My alarm went off at "5" AM.  I got up and saw it was actually 4 AM.  I went back to bed for a little while.  I got up, did my God Time, gave the cat some treats, and took my shower. 

Ron got up eventually and we went to the wholesale warehouse.  I got the chips I needed for work.  Tomorrow, Ron will run me by the grocery store, and I can get the few items I need to finish doing a good stock. 

I was happy I got some beef sticks.  I can often tolerate them even when nauseous, and they are very low carb (@ 1 gram per 1.25 ounce package). 

Speaking of, the old gallbladder colic and nausea are back.  Ugh.  No other symptoms. 

We came home; and got ready to go to the Christian bookstore.  We did, and stocked 5.5 cases of soda.  Oh, it's so hot!  I want a soda!  [grin]

I ran a few errands, and picked up some fast-food takeout.  Ron and I ate in the breakroom, then went out to wait on our ride.  Came home, nap, computer and ho…

Home again

Ron always wants to know if he was quiet.  He was, but I didn't sleep well.  I had nightmares about black scorpions.  According to the internet, I am "facing a difficult or painful situation".  That's, like, every day of my life!  [snort]  Not very useful. 

I was pretty groggy and kept running into walls, tripping over my feet, etc.  We had a very long ride to work.  One woman talked constantly, the other wore too much cologne.  This went on for over an hour. 

I was glad I had my headphones, and Ron, his talking book. 

We finally got to work.  I didn't have snacks to put out, but they will be OK.  The food machines were pretty full. 

So, I worked on servicing the coffee machine, and sodas.  I stocked many cases of soda.  Ron went to the bathroom, and when he came back I went.  He saw the cart with all the empty soda flats; and mashed them all up for me (a job I hate).  He thanked me for being diligent. 

When it feels like over 100+ in a bad economy, I'm …

As able

Yay.  I think I'm getting manic. 

I plan to "point" it at yardwork and organizing the garage.  I like to have a list of things to do, then I can whack them as able.

Away from the heat

It is hellishly hot.  I'm hiding in the house. 

This morning I got up, finished doing the laundry, took out the trash, etc.  I actually woke up on my own, and had a decent night's sleep.  I was happy. 

We had a very long ride to see Doc.  It was tuneup time.  Not to mention, I wasn't really happy with the hallucinating business.  I wanted some advice; next time, what do I do? 

So, I asked, and he told me he would like me to [medication adjustment - ask YOUR doctor].   That seemed entirely reasonable to me.  We finished up and I left. 

We met my aunt for lunch, and had a very good time.  I had a tasty hamburger. 

We waited a while, and it looked pretty grim for our ride home.  Ron and I discussed the possibility, next time, of me riding the bus (it is possible).  Our ride finally came, and it was a coveted straight trip. 

I got home, laid down for my nap, and as soon as I fell asleep the phone rang.  Twice.  It was the pharmacy. 

They always seem to get rather agitat…

A good Day Out.

I had a very fun day out.  I had a little trouble getting to sleep last night, the neighbor's dog was upset about something. 

I think I fixed part of the problem; we have a couple of knotholes on the fence that are the perfect height for a doggy eyeball.  I covered them up so the dog can't look into my yard, and I have to say it has been QUIET.  I think the dog was barking at my cat. 

Anyway, up pretty early, and off with Ron to Walmart.  I felt a little sorry for Ron, the paratransit company had us there for an hour and a half.  He definitely looked a little wilty in his wheelchair as I shopped for a new bra and underwear.  I also got fun things like groceries, craft paint, colored pencils and a pencil sharpener (the manual kind), and a package of t-shirts.  I even had time to make my deposit. 

My sister's birthday is coming up; I have to cover her present.  We had a pretty good trip home, and then Ron went off to the liquor store.  He is off vodka, and "only"…

I need to be around normal people

So, not a good day.  Completely sleep deprived; I missed 2 doses of the antidepressant when I was sick... a really all around awful day. 

Culminating in me sobbing into a hand towel, telling Ron "I don't tell you anything about me, because you just get angry!"  AGH. 

I can take up to 2 antidepressants a day.  I don't like to do it because I tend to hallucinate at 2.  Today, I did it.  Sure enough, a little wierdness here and there. 

I'm not as depressed, though.  That's bound to be a good thing.  When I finish this post I'm going to go to a workout and then shower. 

Ron swore he would let me sleep tonight, he was only drinking wine.  He fell off the bed, onto his computer, again.  He crawled around on the floor doing the whole grunting thing. 

Started shouting for me, could I help him.  I went in.  "Help me find my hot dog".  He brought home a package of hot dogs from work, and ate them.  I told Ron he'd eaten them, as he begged me to c…
Pretty pissed. Ron up late talking on chat line. Then he told me, one of them was bipolar so I gave her your email. I have.specifically told him NO ONE gets the email, EVER. I also have told him not to discuss me.